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Roger Dodger

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What's happening right now is important only in the context...
of our continuing evolution as a species.
Roger, all I'm saying is that I wish my sister would learn to read a subway map.
By saying that, you disregard the primary importance...
of utility in human relationships.
Our ability-- Men's ability to read maps...
to navigate, makes us useful.
You should discourage your sister from even looking at a map.
Are you saying that we women have an inferior sense of direction?
Which way is north,Joyce, without looking around?
What?
You heard me. Point north. Quick. North.
Quick. North.
North. North.
- You're right. - Is he right?
- He's right. - Very impressive.
As she has throughout history...
the female responds to the male who displays the most utility.
By honing those skills which make me useful...
I stave off my inevitable obsolescence.
You stay home honing your ability to program a VCR?
My VCR's been flashing 1 2:00 for three years.
What else, Roger?
Oh, driving a standard shift. Lifting heavy things.
- Air guitar. - Yes, yes.
Go ahead and chuckle, okay?
But until women evolve the ability to move objects telepathically--
and they will--
physical strength remains a primary utility.
Here's to brute strength then.
Roger, you're forgetting a very important male utility.
What's that? Barbecuing?
Sex.
Yeah. I want a guy to do more than just program my VCR.
Oh, I'll program your VCR, baby, like you never had it.
It's a top-loader. You think you can handle that?
Interestingly, a group of scientists in England...
just announced their intention to fertilize an egg...
without the use of sperm cells.
I don't understand that.
Every cell in the human body contains a copy of the genome pattern.
The only reason sperm cells have all the fun is that up until now...
they were the only ones with access.
Within Christopher's lifetime, artifiicial insemination...
will render sperm as useless as an assembly line worker in Detroit.
Luckily, my accountant set up a golden parachute for my sperm years ago.
In case they were downsized.
Just so you know, Roger, you know that we women...
make love because we like it.
- Not just to procreate. - Yes.
- But are men absolutely necessary? - I don't know that.
Think of the structure of the female genitalia.
Wait. Wait. Okay, got it.
What is the most sensitive part of the vagina?
-I can't believe we've gotten into this. -I think you know this, Donovan.
It's the clitoris, fiirst discovered by Renaldus Columbus in 1 559.
He thought it was India.
Oh, no! No!
The crown of the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve fiibers.
It's a far great concentration than in any part of the male body...
even our fiingertips.
It is the most effiicient, pleasure-delivery system...
ever devised by nature.
Now, ask yourself...
why didn't the clitoris end up inside the vagina...
so that intercourse would be naturally...
compellingly, constantly pleasurable for a woman?
- I know the answer. - Yes, Ms. Maynard.
Because in primitive time, women died of childbirth.
So for intercourse to be too pleasurable...
wouldn't make sense from a Darwinian standpoint.
- I'm impressed. - Absolutely right.
- What does that tell us? - Evolution is looking out for us girls?
- Exactly. - That for women...
intercourse and sexual fulfiillment were never intended to intersect.
New technology just makes it offiicial.
Future generations of women will evolve clitorises-- ''clitori, clitorati''--
''Clitorissimo.''
that are larger, longer, even more sensitive.
And a woman's ability, as well as her desire to self-stimulate...
will increase exponentially...
as intercourse is robbed of its procreative utility.
- I'm confused and frightened. - You should be.
The species is not static. We're in a constant state of flux.
Two genders has been the default setting for one reason only:
So far it's been the only way to propagate the race.
Is there any species that just has one gender...
that doesn't have male/female?
Starfiish, for one.
Next time I see a starfiish, I'm gonna tell him to go fuck himself.
Come on. You love it.
No, we don't.
So where are we headed?
Equality? Equality, what is that?
Is that a principle of nature?
We all sit around reading subway maps together.
No. Of course not. Natural selection.
Now that is a principle of nature.
Selection. Something has to lose. Something has to be defeated...
in order for something else to be selected.
So, what does this mean?
We have to take orders from Joyce for the rest of lives.
That's right. I like that.
It means that 1 0 or 1 5 generations from now...
men will be reduced to servitude.
Technology and evolution will have combined...
to exclude sperm from procreation...
and our fiinal destiny will be to lift couches...
and wait for that day when telepathy overcomes gravity...
and our gender's last remaining utility is lost forever.
Forever.
Oh, my God, Roger.
- What? I'm done. - Then I rest my case.
Thank you.
Love you people.
Yeah, this is good.
-Jesus! - No, just me.
How did you get in here?
- Where did you get those? - Copied them from yours.
- When? - Last week when you sent me for bagels.
Give them to me.
Aren't you tired of constantly having to buzz me in here?
See how your brain works? How does once a week turn into ''constantly''?
Actually, last week was two times, including, I believe, Friday...
when you woke me out of a dead, pleasant sleep and demanded the use of my body.
- You could have said no. - What? Are you kidding me?
That was a call to action.
I dressed in 30 seconds like a volunteer fiireman.
I was insane--
You should stop talking and listen to me. I got something to say to you.
Oh, yeah?
- Words are my stock-in-trade,Joyce. - I know.
You can't just stop up the floodgate.
- Put that down. - What?
- We need to stop this. - Stop what?
God, I love watching you in the bathroom.
You're like an athlete after the game, scraping off the war paint.
I meant, we need to stop seeing each other.
Oh, really?
This whole thing was a bad idea.
Generally, I have good judgment, but this time, right out the window.
This whole thing is a great idea. Nobody knows about us.
We all go out, I sit there and...
you know, a few hours later...
I know I'm going to be the traveling salesman...
and you're going to be the lonely housewife.
I need you to be an adult about this. No scenes.
Joyce, I am your boy. I'm your thoroughbred.
Adult. Understand?
Forget about the keys, okay? Just keep the keys with--
Tonight is our last night, so let's make it a good one.
Good-bye sex is never good.
Next week, we'll have ''get back together'' sex--
- Can I stay the night? - Roger, no.
Right.
Hi. Can I have a Cosmo and a Maker's Mark on the rocks? Thanks.
- Let's have a talk. - I'm sorry. I'm with some people.
Let me guess.
You're relatively new at the company.
Maybe you moved to New York from somewhere else. Somewhere friendly.
First you took pride in being alone.
Wanna make a name for yourself in the big city.
After a while, you started thinking how it might be nice to meet somebody.
Winter's not far off, and it gets lonely sometimes.
Okay. And?
And so you develop a crush on your supervisor...
even though the other women in the offiice tell you...
''Keep clear. He's bad news.''
- Why is he bad news? - Because he's a player.
He's a guy who collects trophies.
Every woman who takes a job there ends up in bed with him.
And if you give in to temptation...
you'll end up the punch line to a sordid joke by the water cooler.
Am I hot or cold?
- It's a good story. - It's a cliche.
So what do you do when you're not reducing the world?
What's wrong with reduction, boiling things down to their essence?
What's wrong with... seeing what's really going on?
And what's really going on? What's the big revelation?
Why should I tell you?
Telling you isn't going to change anything.
For instance, I could tell you that what you think of as your personality...
is nothing but a collection of Vanity Fairarticles.
I could tell you your choice of sexual partners this evening...
was decided months ago by some account executive at Young & Rubicam.
I could tell you that given a week to study your father...
and the ways in which he ignores you...
I could come up with a schtick you'd be helpless to resist. Helpless.
I could tell you all that, but what would you do with the information?
Are there women who fall for this stuff?
I'm telling the truth as I see it.
You wanna go fuck your boss? What business is it of mine.
He's not Daddy. He's just a guy in a suit.
You feel compelled to contribute to the pathetic...
heartbreaking predictability of it all, by all means--
- Hi. - Hi.
- You waiting for someone? - Yeah, my fiiance.
- Hey, congratulations. - Thanks.
All right. Congratulations.
Is he a kind man, your fiiance?
Does he treat you with respect?
Not that it's any of your business, but, yes, he does.
- That must make you nervous. - Why would that make me nervous?
Oh, come on.
Look at the time. Let's do the math together.
What are you talking about?
Let me guess, low self-esteem...
and premenopausal... concern led you to pursue a series of--
semiabusive relationships?
But a recent dose of therapy has convinced you...
that inner-beauty is what really matters, and...
you really deserve that perfect partner who treats you with such respect.
Do you want me to call the bartender?
Unless you're an idiot-- which I don't think you are--
unless you're some kind of pathetic, self-help junkie...
you and I know your guy's gonna wake up one morning, and--
he's gonna look around, fiigure out how old you are...
and what you're really like, and that's the day he's gonna go out...
for a pack of smokes and never come back.
By that time-- How you doing?
If she doesn't see what's coming, I fucking weep for her.
- Can I help you, sir? - Hey. No, thanks. I'm good.
I said, ''Can I help you, sir?''
- Where's that other guy? The-- - He's home sleeping.
Okay. Well, it's very important that I see Joyce Maynard right away, so--
Okay. I understand. Why don't I just leave her a note?
It's important that I see her in person.
That's not gonna work, so why don't I...
call you a cab and you go home and sleep it off?
Why don't you go fucking home?
Okay. You know what? We don't understand each other.
I'm her boy. I'm her boy, okay? Who are you? Who are you?
I am the man who's gonna call the police if you don't get out of my lobby!
Roger, it's Susan. It's Thursday, and I want you to call--
- Roger, pick up line two. - Who is it?
-It's regarding the new campaign. -Which new campaign? Get a name, please.
- It's Susan. - Tell her I'm out.
- She says it's important-- - Tell her I'm out.
Yeah. This is, like, surly. That's like, ''What is that?''
- And this is, like-- - You want surly?
-This is like '90s, adorable normal guy. -I am that.
- That's your problem. - That's your nightmare.
Hey, Roget. You going to Joyce's tonight?
What?
- Didn't you get the E-mail? - What E-mail?
About the party?
You going?
Joyce throws a party, I don't ask questions. I just show up.
She's on a conference call.
Ted, there's someone in my offiice.
- Bye, Ted. - It's okay, Donna, you can--
- Bye, Donna. - I'll call you back in fiive minutes.
''Five minutes''? This is a fiive-minute situation?
Sit down.
I don't wish to sit down. I wish to stand.
Did you try to get into my building last night?
Why am I not invited tonight? Everyone will be there except me.
What is that going to look like?
- Let's reestablish some boundaries. - Let's not.
I'm your boss. You work for me.
You write very good copy.
But I have a hundred resumes on my fiiles for guys just like you.
But do those guys do that thing that I do?
The thing that you like?
I have explained to you that I do not wish to see you socially any longer.
Find a way to deal with it.
What's that supposed to do?
Nick?
Uncle Roger. How's it going?
What are you doing here?
What? Oh. I wanted to see where you work.
- Yes. No. What are you doing here? - What?
- You mean here in New York here? - Yes.
I had an interview at Columbia, so Mom said I should look you up.
- Sit down. - Okay.
That's what all the phone calls were about.
- The phone calls? - Yeah. Your mom's been calling me.
- Did you speak to her? - We're playing phone tag.
She said you could show me what you do here.
She did?
Well, there's not a whole lot to show you, Nick.
Really? Like, what do you do all day?
What do I do all day?
I sit here and think of ways to make people feel bad.
- I thought you wrote for commercials. - I do...
but you can't sell a product without fiirst making people feel bad.
Why not?
Because it's a substitution game.
You have to remind them that they're missing something from their lives.
Everyone's missing something, right?
- Well, yeah. I guess. - Trust me.
And when they're feeling suffiiciently incomplete...
you convince them that your product is the only thing that can fiill the void.
So, instead of taking steps to deal with their lives...
instead of working to root out the real reason for their misery...
they run out and buy a stupid-looking pair of cargo pants.
- So... is it fun? - It can be.
Look, I actually was about to call it a day.
That's cool. We can go get something to eat.
- Fine. Let's get out of here. - Great.
You gave me a scare. I thought you were having a narcoleptic episode.
- What? When? - Back at the offiice, you know?
That's standing meditation. It calms me down. Thanks.
Why should you calm down? You're a teenager. Thank you.
My brain gets all sloppy when I'm stressed...
so the meditation helps me focus and block out the bad stuff.
- Bad stuff? - Like fear and pain, you know?
It's a visualization. I picture a blue triangle, and that's me.
I put all the other stuff outside the triangle in a red fiield. It works.
So, how's your folks?
- They got divorced. - What?
Yeah. My dad moved out.
- You're kidding. When did this happen? - A while ago.
I haven't seen you since Grandma's funeral.
-Jesus, Nick. I'm sorry to hear that. - It's no big deal.
I still talk to my dad. He calls from the road.
How's your mom doing?
She's fiine. You know.
- Surprised she didn't come with you. - Maybe she was afraid to see you...
after what happened at the funeral.
That happened because your grandfather's a king-size prick.
All right?
So when's your interview?
- It was today. - How'd it go?
Fine, I guess. I did the interviews 'cause Mom wants me to.
- You're not interested in college? - Why keep going to school...
when anything I need to fiind out about I can look up myself?
Dad didn't go to college. By the time he was my age, he was on the road.
- How is everything here? - First-rate. Thanks.
But... the good thing about college is you get to hang out a lot.
- It's good for the social skills. - Yeah.
So... my mom says you're kind of, you know, like a ladies' man.
- She said that? - But she says it like it's a bad thing.
That sounds like her.
- Is it true? - What about you? You have a girlfriend?
No. I mean, you know, not yet.
Look. I'm getting older, and there's a lot of stuff that I wish I could--
There's a lot of stuff that I haven't-- There's certain things I need to--
Yeah. I thought you said you could look that stuff up.
No. I mean, not this.
You don't understand. I need someone who knows what to say--
I'm kidding you, Nick. That's what college is for.
You fiind some football player who needs tutoring, and he helps you get girls.
- You don't get it. - I get it. I was 1 6 once, all right?
What are you going to do if you don't go to college?
Design software. Maybe work on simulation games.
That's right. You're the computer whiz. There is money in that.
I already make money setting up systems for people.
I'm working on a web page for Granddad for his research.
What, the old man? He's actually spending money?
Yeah, good money too.
It's funny, 'cause he yells at his computer like it's a person.
He's always going, ''That bitch ate my fiile.''
- Or, ''She's playing hard to get.'' - You spend a lot of time there?
Yeah, nowadays.
I go over after school, and he comes over and eats dinner with us.
Wait a minute. He eats dinner with you and Susan?
Sure. Since Grandma died, there's no one taking care of him.
Even after they split up, she went over every day to cook dinner.
I mean, every single day. She was nuts.
Yeah, she was nuts.
So, Nick.
You need some help with the ladies?
All right. Here we go. Get this straight.
Sex is everywhere, okay? It is all around us.
It's not some distant destination. It's not Everest.
It is right here. You have to attune yourself to it.
You have to bring yourself into alignment.
You have to fiind the zone, Nick. Okay?
Do that, and I promise you a whole world will open up.
Look at me. I walk around in a state of total receptivity.
- I'm like a fucking lightning rod. - All right. Fine. What do I do?
For starters, let's get rid of that little meditation. The blue triangle.
We don't block things out, Nicholas. We let them in.
Let what in?
There are millions of women in this city.
Millions. Most of them are blessedly unaware of the countless ways...
in which their bodies are exposed to our eyes.
So, fiirst, learn to read the sun, where it sits.
You'll notice... correlation between backlighting and transparency.
They wear light-colored clothing, underwear shows right through.
Bra straps, panty lines. No need to stretch or squint.
It is there for us, okay? For example--
What?
Are you blowing my cover like some construction worker?
- No. I was just-- - Use your head.
Step back. Let her pass. Okay? Give it a few seconds.
Watch this, and then camouflage the move. Pay attention.
Checking of the watch is good. Or of the pager.
Or looking for a street sign like you're lost.
You saw me do a combination. Whatever it is, don't get caught.
Do you think women have a clue what goes on up here?
What do they think, it's just stock quotes, drill bit sizes?
They don't know shit! Let's keep it that way.
- All right. - Watch. What about your eyes?
- What? My eyes? - Your eyes. How's your vision?
- No, it's good. It's 20-20. - Okay. Peripheral?
- I don't know. It's fiine, I guess. - Fine's not gonna cut it.
You gotta work your muscles like you're training for the fucking Olympics.
- Yeah. - Up, down, left, right, et cetera.
- Here. Follow my fiinger. - Okay.
- Tell me when it's gone. - All right.
- Okay. Stop. - That's it?
You need a hundred, a hundred and ten degrees...
before you're ready for the street.
I see behind me on a good day.
- You play video games? - Sure.
Good. That stuff is training for the eyes.
Registering images in a split second.
It's invaluable. Oh. Right there.
Blue sweater. Blue sweater. Median. Blue sweater. Blue sweater.
That young lady just-- And you missed it.
- I know. - In just a fraction of a second.
That's all. But a trained eye can get in there for a look.
You have to learn to anticipate your opportunities, okay?
Getting out of a cab, wind from a subway grate...
or as you so sadly missed there, bending over to pick something up.
These are situations which require lightning reflexes.
- I tell you, I can do that. - Your a step slow right now, Nick.
Hey, no wonder. I remember what it's like out there.
No interaction. No face time.
Look at me. Every day I have the street, the subway, the ATM line...
the offiice, the gym, the--
What have you got?
Young people sitting in cars in Ohio.
Wistful glances at the stoplight.
No, I go to school. That's interaction.
Okay. Let's work with that.
The high school building is four stories, if memory serves.
- It's fiive stories now. - Whatever.
It's multistory, and that means stairs, which is good.
Free yourself from the tyranny of eye level. Come here.
Use the angles. High for cleavage.
- Low for the skirts. - All right.
Remember, there's no shame in calling on an old standby, right?
Dropping of the pencil. Tying of the shoe.Just don't telegraph it.
What about reflective surfaces? Mirrors, windows?
What, in school? No, there's no mirrors.
What about that ugly glass trophy case that--
- Yeah, that's there. - Well, use it. It's perfect.
Go stand over there for a second. Keep going. Keep going. Stop.
If you can't stare directly, turn your back and use the glass.
Hi, gorgeous.
Remember, angle of incidence equals angle of reflectives.
In other words, if you can see them, they can see you. So be alert.
- This is really complicated. - It's rocket science.
- You were smart to ask for help. - I have a good one.
When they're wearing short sleeves...
and they raise their arms to fiix their hair, you can see in that gap there.
Now, see? That shows me you're using your faculties.
- Don't they know we can see in there? - Of course they do.
Breasts are very sensitive. They know when they're exposed to air.
Are women gonna walk around with their hands clamped to their sides? No.
Their hair has to be dealt with eventually...
and it is our job, it is our vocation to be ready.
All right. So all this looking is fiine, but how do you take the next step?
I need to meet someone.
If you can't see how the two things are related...
there's nothing I can do for you.
- Wait. Relax. Come on. - You think we are kidding around here?
- Do you think this is a joke? - No. Why do you think I'm here?
- You have got to make sex a presence... - I'm sorry.
- in your mind, in your life... - All right.
- in your spirit. - I'm sorry.
- All right. - What? No. I don't smoke.
Better learn.
- Okay. - Come on.
Here. Wait here.
Okay. Stay on this side of me.
Excuse us.
In, in, in. Go, go, go. Hurry.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. We're in.
Good.
So, fiirst, a survey of the terrain.
Technically, it's still happy hour.
Your casual drinkers have yet to pack it in. Lots of groups.
Not exactly ideal for our purposes, but not impossible.
So, we need to make an impression.
Send out a signal that back here is the place to be.
All right. What do you do? What do you say?
Who cares? You're overcomplicating it.
You spend the whole night sitting here thinking of the perfect line...
what good is that?
Just make contact. Separate yourself from the rabble. Watch this.
Hey! Roses. Rosebud.
Hi. Come here.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Hi. Could you--
Could I get you to take a-- Yeah.
- Hey. - Nick here thinks you're beautiful.
If he's got such good taste, what's he doing hanging out with you?
Good question. Nick?
- Because he's my uncle? - How awful for you.
And so on. No big deal, right?
Now she's aware of our presence, and we can plot our strategy.
I'm gonna get us some drinks. While I'm there, think of a hook.
- What? A hook? - A hook. A line. An opening salvo.
Any minute now, Rosebud is going to be standing right here...
looking down at you, and you're going to have one chance...
to either hit it out of the park or strike out miserably.
Be ready.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Hello, Nick. Your uncle says you have something to tell me...
that will absolutely blow my mind.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Those were his exact words.
Is he playing a little joke on us?
No, no. He's serious.
I mean, he's... totally serious.
- Tonight. - Sorry.
Thanks. As I was--
- Tonight. - Right, I was saying that...
I was saying that tonight is a--
Tonight is a very important night for me.
I was just telling her that we made a bet.
- A bet? - Uh-huh. We made a bet for $ 1 ,000.
That I can get somebody to...
like, fall in love with me.
Really?
Love. That's a hard thing to verify, don't you think?
No, I think we can do it.
I'm confiident we can.
A thousand dollars?
That's not exactly mind-blowing...
but it's not the worse line I'll hear tonight.
What? Really?
Yeah. Good job, Nick.
- So, do we rate a sit-down? - I'm waiting for a friend.
I'll run it by her when she shows up.
Get her over here. There's cash at stake.
If we do, who sits with who?
Ladies' choice. Natural selection.
I wanna sit with him.
Yes, yes.
What is this?
Rum and coke. I told him to mix it weak. We got a long way to go here.
- Okay. I don't drink. - You kidding me? Take a drink.
- I don't put alcohol into my body. - You drink that drink.
Loss of inhibition is crucial to your success tonight, okay?
Alcohol has been a social lubricant for thousands of years.
You think you're gonna sit here tonight and reinvent the wheel? Please.
All right. Now, you did one very good thing. You lied.
You made something up. Keep that part of your brain working.
We get those girls over here, your fiirst instinct is gonna be to open up.
To tell the truth. Fight it!Just keep it interesting.
Play up your novelty. You're a 1 6-year-old in a bar.
Why? ''My father owns the bar.'' You got a month to live.
You're an actor researching-- I don't know. Improvise.
Next, check the time. What time is it?
It's about 7:02.
- Do you have a MedicAlert bracelet? - No, it's instructions.
I'm having my body cryogenically frozen if I die prematurely.
All right. Leave it. It's spastic enough to be charming.
So, the time. 7:00.
We've got nine hours until closing time. An eternity.
Look at me, Nick, and answer me this question.
All right.
Who is the greatest basketball player in the history of the game?
- Do you mean ever? - Come on. This is easy.
- Michael Jordan? - Michael Jordan.
Why was he the greatest? Because he paced himself.
Because he always had something left at the fiinish.
Magic Johnson called it ''winning time.'' See those guys over there?
Yeah. Those guys think they're kicking ass.
Believe me, it is early.
We are a long way from winning time, so pay attention.
- Okay. - You say you want it.
If you really wanted it...
you'd be in here, suffering the tortures of the damned with those guys.
- What? - There's a big difference between...
being horny and being willing to put in the time night after night--
I want it. Okay? I go to high school. You don't think that's torture?
This is a lot of information.
I'm giving you the keys to the kingdom.
Yeah, I know.
How many boys your age get an opportunity like this?
Yes.
So, stick your fiinger down your throat. Drink ice water, call it gin--
I don't care what you do. Be ready to dive in at the moment of truth.
So... how often do you, like...
you know, like, get somebody to go home with you?
Every night.
Bullshit.
Just because you're not having sex, doesn't mean the rest of us...
are sitting around playing cribbage.
What's cribbage?
- What? What? - Here we go. Here we go.
Here they come. This is so stupid. They're, like, twice my age.
Champions refuse to lose. Be like Mike.
Here we are. As promised. For one drink.
- I'm Andrea, and this is Sophie. - I'm Roger. This is my nephew, Nick.
- Hi. - He really is, like, 1 6.
- I told you. - Sit down.
How'd you get in here, Nick?
It's funny you should... ask me that.
'Cause we were, before, discussing it, and--
Never you mind.
I'm enjoying the air of intrigue Nick brings to our booth.
- Cheers, everyone. - I told Sophie about your little bet.
She thinks you're full of it.
There's nothing little about a thousand dollars.
He's got to get someone to fall in love with him?
- A woman. - A woman?
Does it have to be a woman? What if some guy takes a shine to you?
I guess that would count, 'cause we never discussed what gender--
If Nick is willing to exploit that little loophole, he can have the money.
- What were you guys talking about? - I don't know.
- What were we talking about? - We were talking about women.
Specifiically, the pleasure to be derived from admiring the female form.
Imagine what it feels like to be admired all day long.
- Really. - You'd rather be completely anonymous?
- Not completely anonymous. - Not anonymous.
I myself would welcome the sensation of a hundred pair of eyes...
caressing my... booty as I walk down the street.
Guys always say that.
Yeah. ''We'd love it if women were always staring.''
We would.
You would love it if no woman ever listened to a word you were saying...
and just kept her eyes locked on your chest or your crotch?
If it led to having sex all the time, I would not mind.
You could deal with never being heard, never being taken seriously?
If I had something that needed saying, I would wait until right after sex.
Seriously, for a second, just stop saying the obvious thing.
Think what it would be like if on every bus...
there were huge pictures of your naked body.
- And on every billboard-- - Magazine.
That's right-- it was just about your body.
There was so much time and money and energy spent obsessing and analyzing...
trying to get a glimpse of your body, that soon it felt like...
the world had forgotten about everything else...
and you end up feeling...
disconnected from your own body, like it's not even yours.
If you're really serious about avoiding the male gaze--
- If the goal is anonymity-- - I never said the goal was anonymity.
Here's a little suggestion, okay?
Putting on makeup. Styling your hair.
Wearing a killer outfiit and coming to a place like this on a Friday night.
That's when it gets interesting, because at a certain point...
- you start internalizing the male gaze. - Not the best course of action.
Male gaze. Madison Avenue. Fucking patriarchy.
Whatever it is, it's done its number on you.
Do you think you have any control over who you fiind attractive?
- Of course we do. - I think not, and I'll prove it to you.
Ask any woman, ''What's the single most attractive quality a man can possess?''
- And what do they invariably answer? - Sense of humor.
- Sense of humor. - Sense of humor is huge. Defiinitely.
And yet, if two lean, mean, play-by-their-own-rules...
motorcycle-riding men strolled up to this booth...
and beat the shit out of us two humorous guys, right...
and asked you out for a ride, you would be weak at the knees.
- No way. - Weak at the knees.
Well, actually, guys who ride cycles are pretty sexy.
- Thank you. You see? - Sorry.
The fact is that touchy-feely, weepy, in-touch-with-their-feelings guys...
make you sick-- you're repulsed by them.
Give me the Ice Age, okay? Survival of the fiittest.
No mixed signals. No bullshit.
Just the meanest, hairiest bastard wins all the time.
Let's change the subject right now.
You know, it's interesting. All this looking is so masculine.
I mean, you guys are just about the visuals.
Really. Why is it that when I'm going down on a guy--
- Sophie! - No, really.
Why is it that when I'm doing my thing...
why is it that men always insist on watching?
Why can't you just close your eyes and concentrate on the feeling?
It's not the most flattering activity for a woman.
I'm not sure that that's a-- Maybe we can help.
Nick, jump in here. A woman is doing her thing.
Why do we have to watch?
Well, maybe to make sure that it's actually happening?
I'll buy that. Make sure we're not hallucinating.
And maybe to fiile it away, in case it's a long time before the next one.
Two excellent answers. Perhaps you'd elaborate on the fiiling it away part?
File it away for what?
- Oh. I don't know. - Come on, Nick.
We're fiinally treading on some familiar territory here.
Mom's in the kitchen making Jell-O with fruit.
- You lock yourself in the bathroom-- - Don't sweat it, Nick.
I grew up with three brothers.
The closets were pornography museums. More visuals.
You're right about the visual thing.
It always drives me nuts when I hear a guy...
going on about something a girl does that's supposed to be so sexy.
- Like what kind of thing? - Like how she flips her hair.
How she stands with one foot to the side. It could be anything.
- What's wrong with that? - Because that's nothing.
That's just something she does.
And she probably only does it because she saw it in a movie.
It's not their real stuff.
All that stuff-- the hair flips, the mannerisms, the catch phrases.
They add up to the personality. So they are what's real.
Yeah, but it's all the outside stuff. That's fiine in the beginning.
You need the outside stuff.
You need, like, the reasons to be in love.
But you can get past that to the part...
where the little tricks don't mean anything.
I say you are attracted to what is in front of you. End of story.
How romantic.
It takes years and years together.
- Yeah? - I can't describe it exactly...
but it's like there's nothing she can do.
All her usual ways of hooking you in have no effect...
and yet you're still in love.
It's like the act is over...
and you get to the part she's been hiding.
And she's been hiding it because she thinks that's the part...
that's gonna blow it or make you leave or get bored...
but you get to that part, and you're still there.
And you're even more in love.
Wow.
Have you met my nephew? His name is Jesus.
How old are you, Nick?
I'm 1 6.
Stay strong, Sophie. There's a thousand of my dollars at stake here.
Are we still on a one-drink limit?
- I think we can have one more. - Yeah, I'm in.
Great. Scootch out of there, Sophie.
- Who wants what? - Sophie knows what I like.
-Just some ice water, please. - Okay, that's charming.
Nick?
A player might consider taking advantage of this time alone with Andrea.
Andrea. Yeah. You can take your time.
- Hi. - Hey.
- What's the deal with your uncle? - I don't know.
This is really the fiirst time I've hung out with him socially.
- Do you live in the city? - I live in Ohio with my mom.
She and Roger don't really speak anymore.
Ohio?
Do you have a girlfriend back home?
No. Not right now.
Nick, can you do me a favor?
Okay.
Pick that up.
- Protein for stamina. - Let's switch, Andrea.
- Okay. I suppose it's your turn. - Yeah, good idea.
Keep things fresh and help us fiight that second-round lag.
- What's that? - That's a conversational lag...
that often occurs after the ordering of the second round.
Actually, Nick was telling me about you and your relationship with his mother.
- No secret there. She's my sister. - Your relationship with her.
Not your relationship to her. Nick says they don't speak.
That's terrible. I mean, you need your family.
- Yeah. - What do you think happened, Nick?
My mom's a lot older than Roger. Like nine years.
You must have been quite the little surprise, Roger.
A nine-year gap doesn't necessarily mean an unplanned pregnancy.
But, apparently, I did come as a bit of a surprise.
Really? I didn't know that.
That doesn't explain why you and your sister don't get along.
Let's just say we don't have much in common.
My mom says that when Roger was little, he could talk himself out of anything.
He never got in trouble, even when he got caught.
- She called him ''Roger Dodger.'' - That's perfect for you.
There's nothing wrong with a high verbal ability. Nick's got it too.
I wanna be like Granddad. He almost never talks.
But when he does, everyone kind of leans forward.
You know, my dad's like that.
The difference being that what my father has to say is usually...
some variation on, ''Get me another scotch.''
- Like father, like son? - No, like daughter.
- I get my-- - Whose daughter?
- What do you mean, ''like daughter?'' - No joke.
Mom keeps a bottle in the laundry basket. She has for years.
- Oh, God, Nick. - That's awful.
She's not a wreck or anything. She's just-- What do you call it?
- High-functioning. - Yeah. That's Susan all right.
She's always functioned at a high level.
- She's just really high, you know? - How can you joke about that?
You can joke about anything that has to do with yourself.
It's a basic human right. Isn't that right, Nick?
I think that's constitutional or something.
Freedom of speech. Freedom to joke.
You know what? I need the ladies' room.
Let's let the boys discuss these new revelations.
- Good idea. - I don't-- All right.
All right.
Be careful. We'll be waiting.
Are you sure you want to get laid tonight?
I thought you would like to know that.
I am not the one who is here to learn.
For most of us, this is a forgetting place.
- All right? - We were talking about Granddad.
- I fiigured-- - You felt qualifiied to jump in...
and expound on that particular topic?
That's right. I'm sorry.
You're an expert on that subject now. You guys are joined at the fucking hip.
I wanted to keep the conversation going.
There are four of us in this booth.
Think of it as a game of bridge.
In bridge, you have two sets of partners, okay?
If you hope to become the kind of man...
that other men choose to go into battle with...
you have to learn to read your partner.
It should have been obvious I don't want to talk about the family tonight.
A little while ago...
we were listening to Sophie describe herself giving a blow job.
Don't you think that's slightly more fertile ground...
than what's at the bottom of your mother's laundry basket?
Pull your weight and steer the conversation back...
to something in the same universe as sex.
Remember, the thing that was supposed to be the primary focus this evening?
Don't make me resort to the fail-safe.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me.
No. Bad idea.
Ah,Jesus.
Everything okay over there?
No. I can't go with you standing there.
- Why not? - I just can't. Get out of here.
Can't go through life with a shy bladder, Nick.
You're gonna be spending a lot of time in bars.
Most of them will have restrooms just like this one.
Fine. Then you go. You go fiirst.
I don't have to. Just came in to rinse my hands.
Forget it.
- Let's go, kid. - No, look. I'm with somebody.
Uncle Roger, could you please tell him? He doesn't--
- How you doing? - No, I don't know him.
- Bedtime, kid. Let's go. - Uncle Roger.
- Come on, kid. Out. - Could you please--
He's my-- Uncle Roger! Really, go back in there.
Look, I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
- Good luck with that. - Okay.
- You okay? - Oh, hey.
I guess I should've waited to use the bathroom.
Okay. Unless the novelty of hanging out with prom king here has worn off...
I suggest we get a bottle and fiind someplace with a view.
- All right. Let's fiind a view. - Let's fiind a view. Ladies.
- That was close. - That's good. Thank you.
- This is the fiinest. - That's good.Just a little bit.
Thank you.
Just a little. That's good. That's good.
- How do you like the wine? - I like it.
It makes my chest feel warm.
- Roger, you're a bad influence. - Yes, I am.
- Alcohol, women of loose morals. - And gambling.
That's right. Gambling.
I don't see Nick complaining.
Although I have to say, for women of loose morals...
conversation has been pretty tame so far tonight.
With the notable exception of Sophie's oral presentation.
Shut up.
It'd be helpful for Nick to hear more of the female perspective of the sex act.
- Do you agree? - God.
Where to begin?
Nick will get us started. Nick?
Go ahead.
Ask away. Any question you like.
Keep it interesting.
All right.
I guess I'd like to know what your fiirst time was like.
- That's what you come up with? - That is a great question.
Thank you.
I'll go fiirst.
- It was my junior year. - High school or college?
High school.
His name was Bobby Rushton, and we weren't even dating.
I just picked him out one day and decided he was gonna be the one.
- Why did you pick him? - Sense of humor?
Ha-ha. He was funny, as I remember, but...
it was something more than that.
It was like this vibe.
I knew he would be nice.
He wasn't very popular, and I didn't think he'd brag about me to his friends.
- That's half the fun. - Well, he didn't.
He was just as nervous as I was.
Which is part of the reason that I picked him...
because I think I wanted to have some control.
- You know? - You were his fiirst as well then?
Yeah. In fact, I went with him to go get the condoms.
We biked all the way across town...
because we were so afraid someone might see us.
- We planned the thing for a month. - I love this story.
- Yes. - So, where did you, you know?
It was in my house, in my room.
My parents were away for the weekend.
- Did you bleed? - The usual. Not too bad.
Wait. So it hurts the fiirst time?
Well, it really hurts...
that fiirst second.
And then after that, it's just new.
You know? It's like this new feeling for your body.
So how was he?
- Matter of seconds? - No way! He kept going like a champ.
I had to ask him to hurry up, actually.
- Ow! - Yeah.
He did admit to masturbating like crazy beforehand so he wouldn't just--
- Like he wasn't doing that already. - No, he sounds like a nice guy.
- He sounds like a dream come true. - He was a nice guy.
He's a cop now. He's got four kids.
Early sex is an absolute humiliation.
Oh. Speak for yourself. My fiirst time was wonderful.
Oh, yeah?
Let me take a wild guess.
- An older gentleman. - Right you are.
- Married? - Right again.
How old were you?
I was 1 9. Freshman in college.
Guess you didn't spend a lot of time getting to know your roommates.
No. No, I don't even remember what they look like.
So what happened?
Well, believe it or not, he ended up staying with his wife.
What are the odds?
What did you do when you realized he wasn't going to leave her?
Well, Nick, I got over it eventually...
and vowed not to repeat the mistake.
- And how's that going? - Some months are better than others.
- Uh-huh. - Sophie--
- I didn't say anything. - What can I do? They're all married.
I promised I would not be a nag. It's okay.
You, hotshot. Tell us about your fiirst time.
Actually, I think Nick's story is much more interesting. Nick?
- This I want to hear. - Yeah.
Nicholas?
Well, this is hard to admit, but...
I've never had sex.
You're a virgin?
Yes.
That is so sexy. Am I right?
- It's hot. - Really?
- Yeah. - Do you have a girlfriend?
- No. Never. - Have you ever kissed a girl?
Yeah, a couple of times in junior high playing truth or dare...
but they weren't like real kisses.
No tongue?
I guess, but more than that. They were just stiff.
Not like I imagined that they should be.
Nick, come here for a second.
Oh, my God.
Now, don't fall in love with me or anything, okay?
That was just to get you through junior year.
All right.
I couldn't resist being your fiirst kiss.
That's right.
Forever and ever, you will be his fiirst kiss.
- Get away from me. - Come on. For symmetry.
No, not a chance. Nick.
- How do you feel? - My heart is beating really fast.
- He knows just what to say. - Is he a good kisser?
Oh, he's gonna break some hearts.
How 'bout down below, Nick?
Any, you know, vertical displacement?
Leave him alone. How you doing, Casanova?
- I'm okay. - Sure?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Look, I confess. I'm married. I keep my ring in my wallet.
Even if you were married.
Yeah, yeah.
So, Nick.
Take a moment to fiile this away for later. You understand what I mean?
Just think, Sophie.
In the next six months, every time Nick jerks off, he'll be picturing you.
- Don't be an asshole. - I don't do that, okay?
It's true. Okay, so I'm not married.
What's important is the emotional unavailability, right?
- That's what you look for. - I'm leaving.
And, Sophie, you've even provided young Nicholas here...
with a particular image to help structure his fantasy.
Fuck you, Roger. Do you have a place to stay tonight?
- He's staying with me. - You can come with us.
He's with me. Unless you're fiinally ready to do something constructive.
Like help Nick have an orgasm, huh, Sophie?
- It's time to cut your uncle loose. - You're disgusting. We're outta here.
- You take care. - Andrea?
- Oh, disgusting. - Fuck you.
Ladies? I--
Was it something he said?
Asshole!
But no. Don't I-- Okay, here's your chance.
What are you talking about? Why did you say that?
Good cop, bad cop.
I planted the seed. Now go and close the deal, all right?
- I can't go-- - You think you'll get a better chance?
Go, for Christ's sake, and remember the primary objective.
Go, go, go!
Run, Nick, run.
Sophie!
Hey, Sophie. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it. It's not your fault he's a jerk.
I know. I wish it didn't have to just end like this.
We're going now.
I suggest you call off your bet and go home.
The bet thing was just bullshit, okay?
I know.
You take it easy, okay?
Look, I want us to--
Don't spoil the wonderful time we had tonight.
You know?
This is to remember me by.
Take care, Nick.
We need more men like you.
Hey.
What happened?
What? Nothing happened.
So you're oh for one.
She wasn't gonna go for it. I couldn't ask her.
- You gonna sleep with Sophie tonight? - It was obvious. She was not--
Are you going to have sex with Sophie tonight?
- No. - Then I repeat: you're oh for one.
You need to learn how to fiinish. Anyone can get halfway home.
We're switching to plan B. Hey!
I think a change of venue will improve your luck.
Wait! Hold up! Stop!
Do me a favor. Stay here till we're inside.
- So where we goin'? - Finish up.
- We're going to a party. Come on. - Whose party is it?
Fuck! Over here. Over here.
Look at this. Beautiful glasswork.
Whoa, whoa.
Why we running?
That doorman has a hateful personality.
Listen up. It's gonna be a whole new dynamic up there.
Stay focused.
Don't talk to any guys. That's a defiinite rally-killer.
Keep moving at all times. No hiding in the bathroom.
Here we are. Hey.
- Look who it is. - Hey, Chris. How are you?
This is my nephew Nick. Chris.
- How are you? - How ya doin'?
Wait. Do you have a bathroom I could use?
- A what? - A bathroom I could use?
A what?
I've been trying to shake this woman all night.
This is Donovan.
I'm the only one here that's my age.
Where did you think we were going, the junior prom?
I think I'm drunk.
Come here.
Nick. Do you know where we are?
- I think you said Greenwich Street. - We're in winning time.
- Okay. Winning time. - Right. Okay?
It's a little harder to recognize than when you're in a bar...
but the concept is the same.
There's an incredible moment that happens when a party...
passes its apex, its peak.
As if by magic, suddenly every person in the room...
is acutely aware of the time.
It is at that moment that the fear hits.
- What fear? - The fear of the empty apartment.
Oh. Yeah.
That is more than most people can stand.
Desperation creeps into the room like a fog.
Eyes begin to search the crowd anxiously.
Standards are drastically lowered. I mean, it's palpable.
- You know what I'm saying? - Not really.
What I'm saying is, you have a real shot here, Nick.
This is the moment that separates a true champion.
You remember the reason you fiirst asked for my help?
The primary goal?
- Yes. - Then let me help you...
to achieve it.
All right. So.
We need to scope out who the drinkers are.
Every party needs a pace car, a rabbit.
Always look for the girls who are two drinks ahead of everybody else.
How do you do that?
Listen for inappropriately loud bursts of laughter...
or scan the crowd for somebody spilling a drink.
Check the dance floor for somebody working out of their zone.
How about them? They seem pretty drunk.
Good afternoon.
God, this is so embarrassing. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, Donna.
- Hi. - How ya doin'?
- Well-- - Good. Listen.
This is my nephew I want to introduce. Nick.
- Hi. - I saw you earlier at the offiice.
Hi, Nick. Donna.
- Nice to see you. - You too.
- Roger's showing you the town? - Yeah, some of it.
Yeah, Nick's visiting.
Why don't you tell Donna about the bet we got going.
- See you in a second. - Huh? Wait.
What bet? What's he got you involved in?
- Oh, it's nothing. Really. - What is this?
Oh, that. I don't even know.
- It's cute. - Thanks.
I don't even use it.
Eighty. Hot. Eighty degrees.
That is hot. Yeah.
We made a bet whether I can get someone to fall in love with me tonight.
Wow.
- For how much? - A thousand bucks.
Get outta here.
Well, so, how's it going so far?
Excuse me. Thank you.
Thank you. Cheers.
Yeah.
To love.
Oh, hello.
You're not the infamous Roger Swanson I've heard so much about, are you?
That's me. Yes.
Joyce says of all of her copy people, you are the funniest.
- I'm a laugh riot. - No, she says that.
- Why would I lie? - What's your name?
I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself.
I'm Patricia.Joyce and I went to college together.
Nice to meet you. Patty, would you do me a favor?
Sure. I can certainly try.
See that kid right over there in the corner?
- Yeah. - That's my nephew Nick.
- Oh, really. He's so cute. - He is.
- He's still a virgin. - No!
- Swear to God. - Poor boy. How old is he?
He's 1 6. Now, listen.
My time with Joyce taught me that older women fuck like jackrabbits...
and Nick is at his absolute peak sexually.
So, I fiigure, the two of you go at it...
it would be like Frazier and Ali.
- Right? - Something is wrong with you.
No, I'm serious. What do you say?
- As a kind of a... - I'm gonna--
Red Cross moment or--
Okay. Nice to see you.
- How's it goin' over here? - Hey, Roger.
- Now, who let you in? - Who let me in? You let me in.
What?
You know, Nick here is a real ladies' man.
You're lucky he's spending all this time with you.
Yeah, that's me. The lucky lady.
Actually... I think I had too much to drink.
- Uh-oh. - Would you like to lie down?
Nick, Nick. Excellent idea.
Good one. Come on, darling. Let's fiind you a place to lie down.
Oh, no.Just when things were getting good.
Things are still good.
- Come on. - Where are we going?
- We're going. - We are?
We're going right around this little corner.
- Here we go. - I forgot to eat.
Nick, stay with us. Keep close.
- Okay. - Good.
- All right. So I'll just-- - Oh, excellent.
- Are you all right? - I'll just leave you two together.
- Okay. - No, don't go.
- You're in capable hands, believe me. - What are you doing?
Hang on a second.
What are we gonna do?
We are not gonna do anything... at all.
I'll be on guard duty, okay?
You need to work fast. If I were you, I'd switch to the two-minute offense.
What are you talking about? Wait, Uncle Roger--
Love you.
Don't go.
Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Donovan Lehman, Christopher Weland...
our two collaborators.
I think they're gonna be perfect for you.
You told me you wanted something a little bit magic, a bit surreal.
Hey, hey, Donovan. How are you, man?
- Roger. Hey, man. - How are you?
Hey, Chris.
Look at you two.
You seem like the happy couple. What's your secret?
Sorry. You know what they say about dipping the pen in the company ink.
- I guess so. - I know what they say. Yes, they do.
All right.
Look at you.
Go to sleep.
I think we got sidetracked there.
Seriously, Donovan, with all the pressure facing men today...
it's got to be tough to maintain a relationship.
I don't know. Let's ask a man. Chris?
Traditional male roles are being tossed aside...
before we have any chance to make an internal shift, don't you think?
Our culture seems designed to emasculate and infantilize.
- That's a strong statement. - Why don't you go and...
help yourself to some food?
It's particularly true in a situation when the woman is...
two decades older than the man.
- Roger! - Approximately.
We were having this discussion the other day--
Is it your mission in life to humiliate yourself?
It's more of a hobby really.
I want you to leave right now.
You want me to leave and go where?
Think very hard about what you're doing.
Go where,Joyce? Where do you want me to go?
You're through.
You lied to me. You are a liar.
- I want you to leave. - Who's he?
Who the fuck is he?
Who the fuck is he?
Who is he? What--
Don't get comfortable.
Don't ever settle in like you own the place. Trust me.
There's always something gaining on you.
And here they come now. Hey, guys. Good luck.
Sorry. Take care now.
Let me get a coat here. Take care.
Nice to see you. Thanks,Joyce! Bye-bye!
What just happened?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
That didn't go exactly as I had hoped.
What happened in there? What were you shouting about?
Doesn't matter. What about you?
- Did you get it on with Donna? - No.
- Why not? - Are you kidding? She was passed out!
Nick, you have had one golden opportunity after another this evening.
You haven't exactly shown yourself to be a clutch player.
- Hey! - What happened in there?
- Are you drunk? - I'm going home.
- Where do you need to be dropped? - What?
That's it?
We've had a full evening. I think you're ready to fly solo.
- You said there was a fail-safe. - What fail-safe?
Back at the bar. You said there was a fail-safe.
Did I?
- I don't think you want the fail-safe. - No, I want it!Just stop.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
I'm not going home like this, all right?
I'm sure. Okay?
You know what? You're right.
Why give into a slump? Let's go down swinging.
- Yes. Like Michael Jordan. - Right.
That's the wrong sport, but I like your enthusiasm. Let's go.
All right. Thanks.
Come on. Come on.
Hey. Two of us.
That's 200.
One... two.
- Is he a minor? - I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
It's a hundred to fuck me.
Tip.
Come on.
Wait.Just slow down.
Please slow down.
- We're goin' home. - Hey! Hey!
- What are you doing? - Easy, easy.
Get outta here. Motherfucker, get off me!
Motherfucker, get off me!
- Get off me! - Get outta here!
Nick!
Nick.
Nick, don't worry about it.
It's okay. It's all right!
Nick!
Chill!
It's all right, man.
Jesus.
Fucking booze.
Come on.
Come here.
-Jesus. - Don't tell--
Go to sleep.
Okay.
Roger, pick up the goddamn phone.
Nick is gone. No one's seen him in two days.
I am frantic, and I need you to call me, please.
Oh, my God.
There's coffee.
I don't drink caffeine.
Yes.
I keep losing my balance.
- That'll pass. - Yeah.
So, Nick...
tell me more about Columbia.
What did you think of the campus?
I don't know. It was fiine.
Did you... look around the neighborhood?
Maybe you could tell me about the different things you saw on your tour.
I'm sorry I got so mad.
You're what?
Last night.
You were trying to teach me the way that things are done, and I--
I guess I kept fucking it up. So--
So I shouldn't have gotten so mad.
I'm... sorry I disappointed you.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Anyone can have an off night. It's happened to me.
You said you score every night.
I say a lot of things. Look, Nick.
Call your mom, will you?
I'm sure she would like to hear from you.
Forget it. I'll see her when I get home.
Call her anyway. Come on.
I'll leave you to it.
I guess I'll see you at the next funeral.
Why? Who's sick?
What? No, I'm kidding.
Me too.
All right. Good-bye, Uncle Roger.
See you, Nick.
Don't tip. I got it.
How long does it usually take to get to the airport?
- About a half hour, sir. - Right.
You see Angela today?
- How come? - No bra.
I swear to God.
That's unhealthy. They're gonna sag when she gets older.
Fuck 'em up.
So go tell her, Nick.
What?
Go tell her.
Yeah, maybe she doesn't know.
- You know, you'd be doing her a favor. - Yeah.
A true favor.
Yeah.
Look who dropped by for a visit.
Girls.
Young women.
Female human beings.
Female hearts beating beneath...
those tight sweaters.
Feminine blood coursing through their veins.
Living, breathing girls.
What are you young men in the prime of your lives doing about this?
I'm doing plenty.
- Yeah? You're getting plenty of action? - Oh, yeah.
He has to beat 'em off with a stick.
Unfortunately, I'm not talking about ''whack-off.com,'' okay?
I'm talking about the girls in this room.
I'm talking about communicating.
I'm talking about engaging.
I'm talking about standing up from this...
guys-only, Star Trek-convention, frankly, homoerotic little group...
and introducing yourself to one of these girls.
Yeah, but I always get so nervous.
Why? There's nothing at stake.
If there was a chance of you actually getting laid...
then you'd have a reason to be nervous.
Try working someone in a bar for three hours...
and then you gotta close the deal right before last call.
That's pressure. Okay?
You guys can treat this like it's a warm-up.
You're trying to fiind your style. So you get nervous?
Maybe you're the nervous guy. Maybe that's your hook.
So go ahead and blush. Stutter all you want.
Show her how she makes you feel.
Think of it. You're combining honesty and flattery.
- That's lethal. - Yeah, but...
you can't let a girl know how nervous you are.
You gotta let her know you're in control, right?
''In control''? Who is this guy?
You're in high school. You don't control any-- Look at your face.
Look at what you're eating, for Christ's sake.
Look at that shirt.
In control.
All right.
Who's the one you guys are all desperate to talk to?
Angela.
Defiinitely.
- Angela. - Okay. Here's what you could say.
Hi, Angela. My name is-- What is it?
- Darren. - My name is Darren.
Every time I see you in the hall, I have the urge to talk to you.
So I try to think of something clever to say...
but I get so nervous...
that nothing comes out.
We don't know each other right now, but I'd like to maybe...
invite you out for a soda sometime so that we could talk.
I'd like to see what we have in common.
But most of all, I'm curious to fiind out...
what kind of person you really are...
because I am tired of looking at you from a dist--
And so on and so forth.
Take that out for a spin. See how it works.
Yeah. See her turn around and walk back to the jock table.
- Yeah. - If that happens...
you go to sleep knowing you gave it your best shot.
Remember, she has to show you something as well.
I'd love it if Angela showed me something.
- Yeah. Two things. - Yeah!
I'd lick 'em.
Well, I tried. Hang in there, Nick.
Wait. You're going?
Yeah, I gotta get home, look for work.
As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding...
of just how fat and unattractive they are.
Nice meeting you, men.
Keep your sense of humor.
In ten years, you won't even remember what this place looks like. Trust me.
Dude, your uncle is strange.
Yeah, I know. I guess he is.
Yeah, but he's cool. You gonna visit him again?
I don't know.
What?
What?
Hey, Nick.
Some guy, I guess he's your uncle...
he said you had something to tell me.
He said it would ''blow my mind.''
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