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Roxanne

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I am walking, yes indeed, and I am talking about you and me -
- and I am hoping you bop-be-da-deh.
I am forming words with my tongue I am stumbling, but I am okay now.
Now, I am walking down the steps, it is easier than walking up the steps.
Did not slide. That is a tough break for me.
Now, I am having a small heart attack, but I am recovering.
Now I am seeing two coked-out hopheads coming at me -
- could be trouble.
- Get off the sidewalk! - Other side of the street, scum.
It is a cop!
If he is a cop, where is his gun?
He is a fireman.
Cut a wide swath, pussy.
- All right. - Thank you, arse-wipe.
Christ, that is the biggest nose...
Do not say it...
Quite a hood ornament you have there.
Here it comes... Three-D coming at you!
- I really admire your shoes. - What?
- I love your shoes. - What?
I was just thinking -
- as much as I admire them and would love to have a pair just like them -
- I would not want to be in your shoes right now.
- I do not really know karate. - I did not think so.
- Get pissed, Rich. - I am pissed.
Fifteen - Love.
You want trouble? You will get it.
Oh, fault.
If that is how you want to play...
You broke my nose!
- Had enough yet? - Thirty - Love.
Surprise! ...Forty - Love.
Are we having fun yet?
Service.
Game.
Let us play again sometime.
Grover?
Dixie?
Where the hell is she? Here is your racket.
Thank you. What is this stuff on it?
Blood. Where is my tea?
- Will you tell me about it? - You are too young.
Come here, Grover.
Damn it.
There had better be a window open, Grover.
I will have you neutered.
Do not go anywhere. I will go to the front.
Oh, no!
I cannot believe it.
Goddamn it, we are supposed to put them out!
- Guys, guys! - What now?
I have a dream, just a little dream.
My dream, I hope you do not find it crazy -
- is that I would like the people here to feel -
- that if there were a fire, calling the fire department would be a wise idea.
You cannot have people with burning houses saying:
"Whatever you do, do not call the fire department."
That would be bad.
Please, get it cleaned up. Do not make me have to explain it.
Hello...
Hello?
I am locked out of my house.
I can get you in. I will get my tools.
I do not have any clothes on.
Do you want a coat or something?
No, I would like to stand naked in this bush in the freezing cold.
- I will get the tools. - Thank you.
- What is it? - Somebody locked out of their house.
- Do you need any help? - No, it looks boring. I will go.
- Nobody had a coat? - You said you did not want one.
- Why would I not want a coat? - You said so!
- I was being ironic. - Oh, irony. We do not get that here.
People ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony is not a high priority.
We have not had irony here since '83, when I was the only practitioner of it, -
- and I stopped as I was tired of being stared at.
You should turn off the lights when you are locked out -
- you waste electricity.
You can hide your nakedness in that bush.
I notice you do not have any tattoos. Wise choice.
Jackie Onassis would not have gone so far with an anchor on her arm.
Every job has a perfect tool.
This lock does not accept Master Charge. We will try the old reliable.
And when I say -
- "old reliable", I am lying, because I never tried this before.
You may not want to watch this.
Be careful.
God, I hate heights.
- What are you doing? I am freezing! - For God's sake, put something on!
Thank you.
Here you go. I am averting my eyes, finally.
Look what you got me into, Grover.
- Do you want to come in? - I... sort of already did.
You must be starving, so I made us some cheese and vegetables -
- au naturel.
Would you like some wine with your nose... cheese?
Wine would be fine.
- Do you have a straw? - No, I do not. Why?
No particular reason.
Cheers.
Party trick... Well, a nose by any other name.
"Would smell as sweet."
My name is C.D. Bales. I am the fire chief. Call me Charlie.
I am Roxanne. Thank you for your help.
I know the lady who owns this house.
Dixie? She gave me a good deal for the summer.
- Nice and cheap, I bet. - Well, it is worth it.
This house has a great spot for that.
- I thought you would never ask. - I did not.
What is it, the mummy?
It is a telescope, it is beautiful.
- You must know about M31. - Yes.
I like it when they give astronomical objects names.
Like Andromeda, Saturn and... Sea of Tranquility.
This numbering thing is too boring for us civilians.
Do you know how many objects are up there?
I know it is over fifty.
I think they do well. They have many things to name.
How about Moo-on, Gluon, Quark?
Do you know what a quark is?
I used to, I just forgot right now.
We do not know everything, do we?
Sit down and I will show you.
No one has ever seen a quark, but we know they exist.
There are at least six different types:
Up, Down, Strange, Charmed, Bottom and Top.
That is their flavour.
Top and Bottom Quarks are most common.
Only an unusually exotic collision can produce the Strange and the Charmed.
It is beautiful, is it not?
Yes. These are... astronomical objects, then?
No, sub-nuclear particles.
I thought so.
- So, what are you looking for? - I cannot tell you.
- Why is that? - I cannot, it is a secret.
I have a few secrets, some important ones, too.
Actually, I have one pretty impor... I have one lousy one.
Actually, I do not have any secrets at all.
It is just so depressing.
- Did you say your name was Roxanne? - Yes.
It is unusual; it is pretty.
There is a name for a galaxy.
Sorry, I did not mean to wax rhapsodic.
I should go, it is late and I have work to do.
Okay, but wish me luck.
- On what? - Just wish me luck.
No, I do not believe in luck. Wish for something to happen.
- I know what you mean. Goodbye. - Goodbye.
I am fine.
Roxanne.
It is a party town, maestro. You will love it.
- Gafornasemano. - What?
Were you playmate of the month, June '85?
No.
That is funny, I thought I recognised your inner diameter slope.
What is that?
The part of your leg that curves into your inner thigh.
Works every time, maestro.
I call you maestro because you are great with the chicks, right?
All right, men, let us go.
All right, are you ready?
What?
What is going on here?
Training.
I want it to say action with style. Like a GQ fire fighter.
This is Chris, our new pro. A real fire fighter.
Welcome, I am Mayor Deebs. We did not expect you until Monday.
- I came early to get a good start. - He is a maniac with the chicks, too.
This is Dean, Trent, and my personal tailor, Sam.
I will show you your room.
- Cuffs or no cuffs? - You better get off that hose.
Do you think I can get the telescope up the stairs?
I will ask C.D. to leave his encyclopedias.
- He reads encyclopedias? - He is an encyclopedia.
- He is funny. - Yes, he is great.
He is my god-brother.
These uniforms really work...
I can tell.
- What about your boyfriend? - Richard.
- When is he coming? - He is not coming.
What happened?
We just ran out of gas... I guess I mistook sex for love.
I did that once, it was great.
Sandy is a very deep person.
Oh my God, who is that?
She can certainly make my night.
Who is she?
Sandy...
Who is that?
That is Roxanne. She studies astronomy or astrology...
Is there a difference?
Look, someone is checking you out.
Now, he could cheer you up.
If I was you, I would do something about that.
Maybe... Maybe later, maybe not.
You are playing it beautifully.
- Do you mind if I give it a shot? - Go right ahead.
Thank you, maestro.
I would like to invite you to a Nelson tradition of hot-tubbing.
Pardon me?
It is a tradition. We consume mulled wine -
- and enjoy some outdoor hot-tubbing.
When the settlers came here 100 years ago, they started hot-tubbing?
What? ...Oh, yeah. You are feisty, I like that.
His ego is the size of Brazil.
- I have to stop talking to you. - Okay, no problem.
I will be over there. Think about it and if you change your mind, come on over.
And I think you might.
If I do change my mind, you will know -
- because my breasts will be heaving and moist with perspiration.
- So long, foxy. - So long.
- Look! Only enough for one drink. - This is what it is like being single.
- He has a great arse. - Too bad it is on his shoulders.
He is cute.
I like cute, I just want to meet someone with half a brain.
Good luck.
He went up there before school and will not come down.
All right... I will see what I can do.
The name is Bales. B-a-l-e-s.
He did it before, but never stayed this long.
It is going to be all right, honey.
What is the trouble, Peter? Come on, what is the matter?
They call me "Porky" at school.
Why do they have to do that? Goddamn it...
I should not say that in front of you.
Did you talk to your mother about it?
Once I tried. She said I should clean up my plate first.
See, that is good. You are way better than these guys who make fun of you.
You are smart and you are funny.
- You can make things up. - I did not make it up. It is true.
Bastards! I should not say that in front of you.
- Do I have to get down now? - No.
Let us just stay up here for a while.
That is our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that.
Yes, I can see that.
It is perfect for us... we are the fire department.
That is perfect.
- Hi, I am Andy. - Good to meet you.
I just wanted to welcome you.
There is one thing... Have you met the chief?
No.
He is funny looking. I would not mention it.
Of course not.
I figured you would not. But sometimes, you know -
- things accidentally slip out and then, you know...
Watch it on that stair.
Who designed these steps? The Marquis de Sade?
Why is it so heavy? It is mostly air.
And glass, so be careful.
My aunt knitted one of these. It was much lighter than this.
- This secret of yours relates to this? - Sort of, yes.
What are you doing, Charlie? I cannot hold this by myself!
You do not have to tell me.
Okay, I will tell you.
All right, start talking. Here we go.
I think I have discovered a comet.
It is no big deal, there are a lot of comets.
I was working on this paper -
- on the ork cloud, and I discovered a mathematical irregularity.
I have not climbed so many steps since I went to the Maharishi.
I think it is a series of ten comets... Watch it around this corner.
Or the forerunner of a big comet which is due back this summer.
Will you find it with this?
No, my uncle is looking for it in a big scope in Arizona.
I carried it up here for nothing?
Not really. Put that counter balance on that arm with the key.
- So, what do you get if you are right? - Nothing.
Well, I graduate, that is for sure... And I get to name it.
That is pretty good. Sort of historical.
Comet Kowalski.
Why? You could give it a beautiful name.
- That is my name. - It is? Roxanne Kowalski?
Oh, sorry.
So, when did you find out about this?
July 1 4, 22:08:31... Give or take ten days.
- That would really be something. - Yes.
Do not look now, but the Viking just came in.
Come in, shake hands with the mayor. You will look important.
He should be bronzed.
I am told you are fast, efficient and brilliant -
- with the ladies.
If anything happens to you, C.D. will be all over my Kazistkey...
- Get a hold of yourself. - It is now or never.
- Do it, Roxanne. - There is only one way to tell.
Okay, when he comes out -
- I will invite him to a Nelson tradition of hot-tubbing, -
- and I will set him up with some mulled wine, and I will bathe him a lot.
- I am shocked. - I am not shocked.
Confidence, confidence... A little water and I am ready to talk to her.
Oh, no!
- Do you remember me? - I am trying to put it behind me.
- Is this your shop? - Yes, all mine.
- It is perfect. - Thank you very much.
- It is really you. - I appreciate that.
Come in and check out the freeze-dried animals, they are incredibly lifelike.
Maybe next time.
C.D., it came to me last night in a flash.
What is that?
The thing, the gimmick: The Nelson promotional cow!
You give her a name: Suzy, Bossy...
You put her picture in our posters, teaching her to drink a beer.
- These things work. - I think it is a fantastic idea.
- You like it? - I love it, I think it is great!
I think it is brilliant, what an idea! And I was there, I saw it happen:
He took the idea, ripe on the tree. He plucked it and he put it in his pocket.
It is, dare I say, genius?
No, no... but maybe it is. Maybe I am in the presence of greatness...
- Have you met C.D. yet? - No, not yet.
- There is something you should know. - He has a big nose, right?
- Whatever you do, do not stare. - Come on, I will not stare.
None of us would, but you get there and you feel yourself not staring.
Then it seems obvious you are not staring, so you will look -
- and you will think, "I am staring."
You think, "this is ridiculous", so you take a good look, and you think:
"I am looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."
- Thank you, guys. - Do not say we did not warn you.
You think people go to Sun Valley to see their fire department?
No, work with me. You have to use promotion.
That way the town grows and the fire department grows.
You cannot run a fire department with the 7 banana brothers -
- you need professionals.
This town could be another Aspen. They make tons of money.
As soon as this Oktoberfest is over, you will get your funds back.
I have a drink, then I start to relax and then I start to have fun.
It is not something I want to start at this point in my life.
I heard you were tough.
I am...
But if you use a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.
Arsehole.
Where are you going, big nose?
Pardon me?
You heard me, big nose.
- Is that it? - Yes.
You really got me on that one, did you not?
Wait a second...
What a waste of an opportunity.
Someone is standing in front of you with this -
- and all you can think up is "big nose"?
Can you think up something better?
Yes, I think I can think up something better. Come here.
With this dart... I will think up whatever number you hit.
Twenty!
Two out of three.
- Twenty. - Darts Champion, Denver, 1 987.
Come on, Charlie, you can do it.
All right, twenty something betters.
I start with the obvious:
Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
Meterological: Everybody take cover, she will blow!
Fashionable: You could de-emphasise your nose if you wore something larger -
- like Wyoming.
Personal: Well, here we are... Just the three of us.
Punctual: Okay, your nose was on time, but you were 15 minutes late.
Envious: Oh, I wish I were you -
- to be able to smell your own ear!
Naughty: Some of the ladies have asked if you would put that thing away.
Philosophical: It is not the size of a nose that is important -
- it is what is in it that matters.
Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you -
- sneeze and it is goodbye, Seattle.
Commercial: Hi, I am Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $39.95!
Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head?
The orchestra keeps changing the tempo.
Melodic: Everybody.
He has got the whole world in his nose.
Sympathetic: What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
Complimentary: You must love the birdies -
- to give them this to perch on.
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Obscure: Whoa, I would hate to see the grindstone.
Well, think about it.
Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers -
- are they afraid?
French: The pigs have refused to find any more truffles -
- until you leave.
Pornographic: Finally a man who can satisfy two women at once.
- How many is that? - Fourteen, Chief.
All right, religious: The Lord giveth -
- and He just kept on giving, did he not?
Fifteen.
Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair?
Sixteen.
Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
Seventeen.
Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee -
- in Brazil. - Eighteen.
Appreciative: Oh, how original.
Most people just have their teeth capped.
Nineteen.
All right...
You can do it, C.D., one more.
Dirty: Your name would not be Dick, would it?
You smartarse son of a bitch!
You flat-faced, flat-nosed flathead.
Has he fallen yet?
Did that copy of "Being and Nothingness" by Jean Paul...
Jean Paul Sartre? Yes, it did. I have it here, it is paid for.
- Great, thank you. - De rien... Il n'y a pas de quoi.
- Okay. - Do not mention it, bro.
"Therefore, my body is a conscious structure of my consciousness."
Thank you, Chris. I was too embarrassed to go and ask for it myself.
A little light reading, Andy?
I got $9,000 for the house this summer.
- Which one of the five? - The one on Rush Street.
- You are soaking Roxanne for $9,000? - I am not.
- You like her, do you not? - What is there not to like?
- Why do you not ask her out? - No, I cannot.
I have a 3 o'clock and a 5 o'clock, the women are lined up...
Mostly because of the old saying -
- about a man's nose relating to the size of...
- The size of what? - Come on, everybody knows this.
Hey, Sophie. Do you know the old saying about a man's nose?
You mean how the size of a man's nose relates to the size of his...?
Oh, my God!
I love doing it to them.
- Your tea, sir... and picks. - Thank you.
So, why do you not ask her out?
Sometimes I take a walk at night and I see couples walking, holding hands -
- and I look at them and I think: "Why not me?"
Then I catch my shadow on the wall...
- Why do you not get that nose job? - I did.
It is the word: Rhinoplasty. It is as unpleasant -
- as haemorrhoids.
Those two words you do not want to get involved in.
What about cosmetics? Shading along the sides, down the slope, a bit on the end?
- It really helps. - No, not for me. I cannot wear make up.
You should have stayed last night.
You were great, we were impressed.
Roxanne went on and on about you.
She did?
I think she is falling in love, but she does not know it yet.
What does she mean, "she thinks she is falling in love"?
It has been known to happen.
C.D., this is Chris McConnell.
It is a pleasure meeting you. I am sorry we have been missing each other.
Are you all right?
I know you have met the guys...
How is your room?
It is hypnotic, is it not?
It is huge!
It is enormous, it is gigantic...
They said it was big, but I did not expect it to be BIG.
Do you want to shoot some pool? Rack them up, we will play a game.
You will not kill me? The guys said...
- Ordinarily I would, but not today. - Why not?
Because yesterday she did not, but today... she does.
You finally have a sense of humour about your nose?
Rack them up.
Okay, turn on the hose. The secret to moving a hose is in the rhythm.
To the left: One and two and three.
To the right: One and two and three.
Now forward.
Now back.
I cannot stand this.
Turn it off! What are you doing?
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Get a good stream. Lean into it, trust it.
Remember: Water is your friend.
What is our signal for charging the hose?
Remember, it is like Big Bird... like on "Sesame Street".
No, not him again.
There he is... Back up a second.
Flirting with Sophie and Lydia again.
Charlie, can I talk to you?
Well...
All right.
Okay, was I right?
- Yes, it is ugly. - It really is.
- What I will say is a little forward... - Good.
There is someone I think I should get to know better.
Someone who I think likes me too.
- You know what I mean? - Yes.
I think he wants to talk to me.
I can see him trying, but he will not. I like him for that.
Maybe this guy needs you to make the first move.
That is why I am talking to you.
So... what do you know about this guy?
I know he is interesting...
- Different. - Yes.
Intelligent. Handsome.
- He is what? - He is handsome.
Is it not amazing? If you have feelings for someone, you see them as handsome?
- Everyone thinks he is. - No, not everyone, believe me.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. It is great that he is all these things.
I have only seen him a few times. We have never even spoken -
- we just exchanged some goofy looks.
- Why are you telling me this? - He works for you. Chris McConnell.
What is he like? No, do not tell me. I will let it unfold.
Since you are working with him, maybe you could encourage him.
He may not say anything all summer and then I will be gone.
- If it comes up. - C.D., thank you.
I know I am forward.
You were really great the other night.
It is the first time I have seen anyone be brave.
I have been a lot braver since then.
This time I want you to do it. Cut it off!
I am tired of having a magnificent, fabulous, interesting nose.
I want a cute, petite, little button nose.
- Give me the American beauty. - C.D., you know I cannot.
Yes you can, get the knife. Cut it, Dave.
I cannot. Allergies to anesthetics are dangerous; you will go into a coma.
We will do it the old-fashioned way.
Do not be stupid.
- I want to look like Diana Ross. - What you want is psychotherapy.
I can hear it now: "Get used to it. $85, please."
Have you ever thought you were born with this nose for a reason?
Oh yes -
- like opening coke bottles.
Can I look at those nose cards one more time?
Yes, sure.
Hello darling, I have not seen you in a while.
She is so beautiful, I saw her in that bar...
- She is interesting, too. - Yes, did you see her legs?
She also has a sense of humour.
She wants to meet me? I cannot believe this; God, my third day here...
She is smart, too. Astrology...
- Astronomy. - Yes, right.
God, we will meet, really?
So what do I do?
How do I meet her?
How about you walk up to her and say hello?
No, then I would have to talk to her.
What are you talking about?
Around you guys I can relax and be myself... I am funny, you know that.
But around women I get a little... It is not that I do not like them.
I just get a little nervous.
Okay, get her telephone number and call her.
Pass. Then I would have to talk to her.
I wanted to talk to her really bad -
- but I did not, because that is how I would have talked to her: bad.
So every time you meet a woman with charm and style and legs, -
- you will turn around and run.
That is a great idea. It is brilliant.
It is a dumb game; why do we play it?
- Tough game? - We are on our way there.
- Do you know what "carpe diem" is? - Some kind of fish, fish bait?
No, it is Latin. It means, "seize the day".
There may be no tomorrow, so do it now.
Seek life now, while you have the chance.
- You think I should go after Roxannne? - No, I would not. I would wait.
Mail her a letter.
Okay, light the thing, see how you do.
C.D., come here. I have got it!
You have got it all right.
How to talk to Roxanne. I will take a chance.
The girl likes me, what am I afraid of? She is no rocket scientist.
Actually, she is a rocket scientist.
But of all the guys she likes me, right? So what am I afraid of? Nothing.
I will do as you said... I will write her a letter.
I have a way with words. I always crack the guys up.
This way I can plan what to say. I can craft it.
In a letter I can be... effer-goddamn-vescent.
- We cannot get it started. - I will be out in a minute.
- Andy, your coat is on fire. - Yeah, right.
So what do you think?
- What?! - He is on fire, get his coat!
No! Not the gasoline!
Can I help you?
Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, if one exits -
- a sort of a shading arrangement. Do you have anything in the shading area?
We have lots of blushers and things... What specifically is it for?
She has this feature that she would like to... de-emphasise.
I see, she has this extra large feature and she wants to make it look smaller?
I think a dark contour would be fine.
Great. How would she go about... applying this thing?
She would... just shade the area of the feature to make it look...
It would appear to be more shadows and less actual... acreage.
- I mean area. - I will take it.
- I will get a fresh one from the back. - Thank you.
I talked to Chris for you.
Great.
Do you think he will call me?
He wants to write you a letter.
A letter? Is that not usually at the end of a relationship?
No, it is really romantic, actually. I will explain it to you outside.
C.D., here is your blush.
- Could you giftwrap that for me? - Okay.
These items I decided against.
- Do you have a girlfriend? - No, it is for my sister.
- You have a sister? - No, it is for my sister's girlfriend.
Hi, Chris. No, I am not doing anything.
Just baking some eggs.
Sure, come on over. Bye.
You should read the letter before I send it.
Great, we will take a look at it.
- It is quite an operation you have. - Thank you.
- Let us take a look at that letter. - I think it is really good.
"Dear Roxanne, how is it going? Do you want to have a drink sometime?
If you do, check this box."
- How long did you work on this? - Today. Since noon.
Chris, that is a very long time. You cannot send her this.
What do you mean?
I like the concept, but it has to be more interesting.
I worked hard on that!
Take a pen, sit down and let me ask you a question: how do you feel about her?
- Me, about her? - How did you feel when you first saw her?
Horny.
Okay, you cannot say you felt horny, you have to change it.
You have to say, " I felt... moved, -
- alive... on fire."
That is beautiful.
How did you feel when you first spoke to her?
Like a dickhead.
No, you cannot write that.
You have to say, "I felt like a child standing in the sun for the first time -
- feeling only your radiance."
"Radiance"; I like that. I will underline that.
What did you do after you saw her?
I puked.
After seeing you... my only nourishment was you.
- C.D., you write the letter. - No, you do it.
You know how to say what I feel. You write it and I will sign it.
No, no, that is... dangerous. That is lying.
Not if you write what I feel.
I sign my name and you write what you imagine I am feeling.
- It will work. - What I imagine you are feeling?
It is half-written already.
You have to change that poetic baloney.
This is beautiful.
No, for Roxanne you need something startling -
- something so strange it would make her incapable of being reasonable.
- Can you do it? - It is an challenge.
Get your favourite pen.
These are good.
And some good quality paper that really takes the ink.
- Oh, the food! - I will take care of it.
You just take your time.
Come on, boys, line up.
- Six and a half minutes, not bad. - Let us get into our gear.
Let us go, boys. It is Operation Snowball.
Snowball!
Take the truck!
Snowball, come on.
Hi, how are you doing, Chief? All is well that ends well.
Boys, the ladder is up. Boys!
Wait, boys. The ladder is up!
Let me show you a double binary, just focus with this.
You will see it, I am on a schedule.
Roxanne, what is a light year?
Same as a regular year, it just has less calories.
What is it?
It is two pairs of stars revolving around each other, -
- but so far away they look like one.
- What keeps them together? - Mutual attraction.
That is fairly romantic.
"Strange attractors in my window of possible movement."
Say again?
"Passionate kisses I hope you will read with your lips."
- Roxanne? - Sorry.
It is something from a letter I got...
An amazing letter.
- You liked it? - No, I did not like it. I loved it.
- Whose letter? - Chris.
- He can write? - I am melting.
Let me show you that dumbbell nebula.
There is something I do not get...
The guy dodges me for days, so I think, "Okay, he is not interested."
C.D. tells me of the letter -
- so I figure it is about why he will not talk to me.
But it is not.
It was strange and... intelligent -
- and sexual.
Why is he writing? He only lives a block and a half away.
Charlie?
Do you want me to ask him out for you?
She wants a date?
C.D., it is all because of you.
Hey, what is the matter?
She wants to see me tonight? I cannot see her tonight.
I am already a wreck.
Relax.
You have to help me. If I talk to her, I will die.
Here is what we do: I give you something to memorise.
- I cannot memorise. - Anyone can memorise.
Say the Pledge of Allegiance. You memorised that, right?
Okay, I said, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of..."
...which country, I do not know.
We will think of something.
- No letter this time, just face to face. - Yes.
- Do you want to sit outside? - Do I want to sit outside? Yes.
- Here? - Here on the porch, yes.
- We can sit right here. - Great.
- It is a lovely evening. - Oh, yes... It is an exquisite evening.
Filled with... mysterious portents. Magic and romance.
- Why are you wearing that hat? - Why? ...Because...
Do not panic, stay calm.
Because tonight... I am a hunter.
Because tonight... I am a hunter. Hunting for words.
That is good, it is okay.
Am I your prey?
Yes, but not a defenceless one.
Yes... but not a defenceless one.
Not a rabbit. You are a lioness.
Alert and sensitive...
Alert and sensitive to every mis-step.
Move a little closer to her.
Therefore I must move silently, moving in towards you.
Reach out your hand.
I hand out... reaching to... Car three, proceed to the 279.
What?
Confirm, car three, confirm.
Confirm what?
Confirm my feelings.
- Confirm my feelings. - Yes.
Because there is a heart here... that wants yours to know -
- there is a possible 502 on Main.
Proceed to Main, confirm.
Are you not a hunter anymore?
Not a hunter? No, I mean...
It is really nice out, is it not?
It is really, really... what is the word I am looking for?
Nice, yes, that is it.
So, now you are the weatherman?
I loved your letter. It was beautiful.
Where did you learn to write like that?
- The usual places. - It seemed very extemporaneous.
Thank you.
Say something. Something wonderful like in your letter.
- Let us see. - You can tell me about the night.
The night... is very extemporaneous.
- What? - It is wild.
Yes... the night is wild. Like love can be wild.
Love is wild, wild and extemporaneous.
Say something romantic.
"Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?"
- Is that not from a song? - They made it into a song.
You wrote the song?
No... but I like that song.
Use your own words.
You have -
- a great body.
Your knockers, I mean your breasts, are like melons...
Not melons, like pillows.
Can I fluff your pillows?
I have to go in now.
Wait! ...Were you not playmate of the month in June '85?
- "Can I fluff your pillows?" - I got flustered, I panicked.
You have to help me, it was working.
I do not think I could after that.
She wants somebody who looks like me and talks like you.
No, come here.
Do not make me do it.
Stand under the window, I will be out of sight.
- I whisper to you what to say. - Wait, what if she hears you?
Just call her.
Roxanne?
Go easy for once!
Goddamn it, what are you doing?
I am sorry, hold on.
- Listen to me, I have a lot to say. - Go away!
- I just want to tell you that... - That I am really built?
- No, nothing like that. - Tell her you were an idiot.
I was an idiot, Roxanne.
Wait, come here!
I... C.D. help me -
- want to say that I was an idiot.
I was... happy? dizzy?
Thirsty?
This is stupid. Stupid!
I was stupid and I was also...
Tripping? ...bumbling.
I was a stupid, bumbling... pointer.
Pointer?
No, no... stupid ass.
So why did you say those things?
Tell her you were afraid.
- Because I was afraid. - Of me? Afraid of what?
Tell her you were afraid of words.
- What? - Words.
Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne!
Worms!?
What are you saying to me?
When I said "worms" I meant "words", Roxanne.
Give me your coat.
Words are all used up, they are hard to say, they have all been wasted -
- on the shampoo commercials and the ads and the flavourings.
Hollow, beautiful words. How can you love a floor wax?
How can you love a diaper?
How can I use the same word about you that is used about a stuffing?
I am exploding with love, but cannot use the word.
I cannot hear you.
It is because my words have to rise up, they have trouble finding you.
- You can hear me. - That is because your voice floats down.
One hard word from you at that height kills me.
Give me your hat.
Your voice sounds different.
Of course, I do not have to be careful anymore. I am protected by the night.
I can be myself, Roxanne. Oh God, your name is like a knife.
Stand where I can see you.
- No! - Why?
Only my voice, you do not need to see me, just listen to me.
I only have a minute to talk to you. Did what I wrote touch you?
It did.
It was eloquent.
No, not eloquent, just honest.
I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you -
- like the blue man in the Chagall, -
- hanging over you in a delirious kiss.
Yesterday, on the street... I swore I heard your name.
I turned and there was nobody there. Just five birds rising off the ground -
- and when their wings hit the air, I heard your name again.
Just for that second I was one of them, pounding out your name: Roxanne.
Roxanne. A word of two syllables locked inside my head.
You see... I am... and I will always be -
- the one who loved you without limits.
What are you talking about? It is too much.
- Go on. - It is working, go on.
This is my whole life right now. Standing here talking to you like this.
Saying things I wanted to say, but could not.
Why could you not talk to me?
I was afraid you would laugh at me.
- That is silly. - No, not if you knew.
When you are reaching for a star, there is a long way to fall.
I almost never let this moment happen.
Now I feel sorry for people for whom it never comes.
I love you. I have breathed you in and I am suffocating.
I am crazy, I cannot go on. This is all too much.
- I am starting to feel a little dizzy. - I am starting to feel a little drunk.
Because I have made you tremble up there, have I not?
Like a leaf on a tree.
- I want to make love to you. - Shut up, Chris.
What?
I was telling myself to shut up because this time I have gone too far.
I will be the judge of that.
She wants us.
C.D., it is okay. Sooner or later.
You can do it.
Do not think I do not know you and have not felt you beneath me.
I know you have imagined it, have you not?
Lying back into your bed with me.
I have.
There will never be another tonight.
Why should we sip from a tea cup, when we can drink from the river?
There is a tiny word; it is not a noun, it is not a verb -
- it is not an adjective, I do not know what it is.
But if you said it to me tonight, all this blackness would go away.
You and I would be connected by a tunnel of light.
- What is the word, Chris? - Yes.
Yes.
Yes, Chris.
Great, we did it.
C.D., we were great.
I think I am in love.
Oh God, I did it!
Ooh, C.D., are you all right? Did you hurt yourself?
- Where am I? - You are in Nelson.
Nelson? I am home. They brought me home.
- What day is it? - Friday. "Dallas" is on.
Friday? Then it took no time. It did not exist in time.
Suddenly a spacecraft landed right in front of me.
I have read about it. Did it have lights?
Lights? You never saw so many lights. It was like Broadway.
A creature with big suckers on his palms came out, he walked like this.
He put his palms right in my face, -
- took me over to Roxanne's to observe me.
At Roxanne's house?
This is bullshit; we will miss "Dallas". Let us go.
- You think I am nuts. - No.
They asked me about older women.
They wanted to have sex with them here in Nelson.
They will start a colony of supermen who will have sex with older women because:
"They really know what they are doing."
It has been so long.
Do you believe in these creatures -
- wanting to have sex with older women?
Let us go and check it out.
God, I was nervous last night. Uncomfortable.
I did not say anything, I am too dumb -
- I mean, too smart for that.
What do you mean nervous? How nervous?
- Just real nervous. - Really nervous?
You mean so nervous you could not...
God, come on, it is embarrassing.
Look, I could not do it -
- the third time.
The moment we have all been waiting for.
Let Oktoberfest... begin!
You cannot get anything going here!
Is C.D. in?
I am catching a plane in 20 minutes.
- Why? - I got a call from the university.
- I was right about the comet. - Fantastic!
I wanted to tell you first.
Congratulations, that is great. You are famous.
- Is Chris around? - No, I have not seen him.
Maybe you can tell him where I am?
I will be gone for about a week. Here is my address.
Ask him to write me.
Tell him to knock me over.
I was walking on air, now I am walking on feathers, on pillows on air.
A beer?
- Draft? - Yes, but I can just put on my sweater.
That is so funny. There are so many guys in here with no sense of humour.
I think a sense of humour is important.
I think it is really important, too.
- A hand of low-ball for your drink. - What is low-ball?
You try to get the worst hand.
Okay, a low-ball for a high-ball.
You are a riot.
You could be a dealer in Vegas.
I went to Tahoe with my girlfriend. We will move there in 3 days.
They like young cocktail waitresses there; you can make big money.
I heard one girl got a $1 0,000 tip from a lucky gambler.
10 grand?
That would be nice.
When I get older I will move to Reno; they like older cocktail waitresses.
It is only 60 miles away... What have you got?
I have a nine, seven, five, three and a deuce.
That is the worst hand I ever saw.
You win.
- Where are you from? - Albuquerque.
A-l-b-u-q-u-e-r-q-u-e... It is an old bar bet.
Do you know where I want to go?
San Fransisco.
I have been there.
It is great; I am really a 49ers fan not so much the Giants...
The Redwoods, you should see them. I would like to go there and just be.
I always take a meat sandwich with me.
It is great you have travelled. You are interesting.
I try to be.
When you find somebody interesting, -
- you become interesting to that person.
- Are you seeing Roxanne? - Kind of, but not...
I should quit talking to you, she is a friend.
No, we can talk. It is no problem.
Next you will tell me about New York.
- I have been to New York. - I was just kidding, you really have!
- My name is Chris. - I know.
I am Sandy.
It is good to meet you.
You loved the little birds so much you gave them this to perch on.
Thank you for the help, ladies...
- What is up? - Nothing.
Do you want a drink?
Yes, but if I ask for one more... Give it to me.
Ralston, could you bring us a bottle of wine, please?
What can you sit on, sleep on and brush your teeth with?
I do not know.
A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.
- Your wine is right here. - Thank you.
What is the point?
Sometimes the answer is so obvious you do not see it.
It is as plain as the nose on your face.
- You should tell her. - Tell who what?
Tell Roxanne that you love her.
- Actually, I already told her. - You did?
- Last week I made love to her. - Great!
It was not actually me, it was sort of me, but...
It was me who said all the right things, made her feel the right way.
It just was not the actual me who did... the honours.
Never have I seen such a dead place.
Dixie, did you serve tripe quiche again?
Why are you not wearing fur tonight?
Chris asked me to stand in for him. Roxanne called; she is coming to town.
I have to tell him about the letters.
Coming.
Just a second, I will be right back.
What are you doing here?
There was no one there.
- What? - There was no one there.
What is going on?
I will get it.
Probably just kids... Damn kids nowadays.
- Guess why I came back early? - The door again.
There was no doorbell.
There it was again, I heard it.
Probably some kids. I will get it now.
- There was no doorbell. - I will take care of it.
There it was again.
She might mention some letters.
You wrote her a few letters.
- How many? - Three a day.
Six days, six times three is eighteen!
Well, twenty.
Twenty or so...
Nobody there.
Chris... do you know why I came back early?
Every day, every hour you sent me something new.
I could not stand it. I had to see you.
It was just letters... Twenty or so.
- Think of what you wrote. - I am trying.
- Wait... I want to know the real you. - No!
The one I spoke to at the window.
This is the real me, good old Chris.
I like hanging out, lifting weights; I am into my body.
You do not have to do that with me.
I know you and love you from your letters.
Is it not enough I am cute?
Do you not see, it would not matter if you were ugly.
No!
- Teach me what you know. - I can play the guitar a little.
- We could travel. - No, I hate pasta.
- I want to go to concerts with you. - We could... boogie, or what?
- We can just talk, Chris. - Talk?
Roxanne, I -
- am feeling a little...
I am not feeling well, I have to go.
So? Are you coming or not?
Yes.
- Will you tell her? - I cannot.
Chris, you have to tell her, it is not nice.
Do you have any paper? I could write her.
I have experience at that.
I have some in my glove compartment. I will get it.
Roxanne called. She sounded really weird, she wants you to come over right away.
- Jerry, it is a re-match. - He owes me 50 bucks.
Come in.
- What is it? - Read this.
"Dear Roxanne. I have met someone else, and she is real cute, too.
I hope I have not hurt you, but I probably did.
It was really nice knowing you, and now I am going to be a dealer in Tahoe.
Yours truly -
- t-r-u-l-e-y, Chris."
Then I found this along with it under the door.
Read it... read it out loud.
"All day long I think,
'Where is she, what is she doing now?"
Occasionally, I see you on the street and I feel the nerves in my stomach -
- a wave crashing over me."
- It is so him. - Go on.
"I remember everything about you; -
- every move no matter how insignificant it may seem.
July 1 1, 2:30 in the afternoon.
You changed your hair... not that much, but I noticed.
It was as though I had looked at the sun too long.
I could close my eyes and see it again and again.
The way your hair moved, your walk, your dress, everywhere I looked."
It is nice, is it not?
It has a... I feel...
- Finish it. - I did, it just runs out.
You have to turn it over.
"C.D. wrote this. Call me. Dixie."
I went through all of the other letters. They are all in the same hand.
It was your voice under the balcony. Chris did not write the letters, you did.
Yes.
All this time right there in front of me, and I could not even see you.
You bastard! How could you trick me like that?
I tried to make you feel good.
- You played with me. - You should have guessed it.
- So, it is my fault? - The signatures do not match the letters.
You do not check that in a love letter.
Because you wanted to believe it.
All the romance wrapped up in a cute nose and a cute arse.
You even got me in bed!
- Yes, on your first date! - Only because you seduced me.
You went to bed with him too fast. One frilly word and you are horizontal.
I do not think I went to bed with him.
Somebody was up there, it sure was not me.
Then who? Chris could not have seduced me.
- That is just what I told Dixie. - You told Dixie?
I just mentioned it, I did not mean to...
You son of a bitch! You bastard!
How could you lie?
I tried to tell you how I felt about you.
It was a lousy way of telling me!
Just get out!
Wait a second, I am out. Get in!
- No, get out! - Get in!
- Get off this porch. - Fine.
Do not try throwing my hat at me.
Guess what the rest of the letter said? It said, "P.S. I was only kidding."
- Ten more seconds and I am leaving. - What did you say?
Ten more seconds and I am leaving.
- What did you think I said? - Earn more sessions by sleeving.
- What the hell does that mean? - I do not know, that is why I came out.
Ten...
Nine...
Eight...
Seven...
Chris came and took all his stuff.
There is a fire somewhere.
Get into gear.
That is where I put Bossy.
We have got a burner, boys.
Two 2 1 /2 inch lines from the pump to the fire.
Three 1 1/2 inch lines from the hydrant to the pump.
If it gets to the station, the whole town goes.
I want a water curtain with a full fog pattern on both exposures.
One, two, three...
We are doing it, C.D.!
Take it easy, here we go.
Come on, Bossy. Let us go, boy.
You are all real goddamn fire fighters now.
To all us real goddamn fire fighters.
Thanks to us, no one got fried.
We beat this fire by a nose.
Well said.
I want to see you.
A toast.
I would like to say that I would rather be with the people of this town -
- than with the finest people in the world.
What are friends for?
When I close my eyes I see you again and again.
Your eyes, your face... the way you walk.
Your style, your wit...
And your nose, Charlie.
It does not quite work, does it?
I went inside and thought about why I was attracted to Chris.
It was not the way he looked... Well, -
- at first it was the way he looked.
It was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, -
- intelligent, feminine.
But it was not him who was doing that to me. It was you.
All these other men have flat, featureless faces.
No character... No fire... No nose...
Charlie, you have a big nose.
You have a beautiful, great, big, flesh and bone nose.
I love your nose.
I love your nose, Charlie.
I love you, Charlie.
- Well? - Are you kidding?
Oh, it is locked. It is locked!
Thank God, I have a key.
- By the way, I named the comet. - Oh yeah, good old Comet Kowalski.
- No, Comet Charlie. - That is nice.
Yes, it is my dad's name.
He'll be so happy.
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