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Rushmore (1999)

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When the value of the x coordinate is
equal to or less than the value of...

 

- Yes, Isaac?
- What about that problem?

 

Why?

 

I just put that up there as a joke.
That's probably the hardest
geometry equation in the world

 

How much extra credit is it worth?

 

Well, I've never seen anyone get it right
including my mentor, Dr. Leaky at MIT.

 

I guess if anyone here can solve that problem

I'd see to it that none of you ever have to open
another math book again for the rest of your lives.

 

Max ? You want to try it ?

 

I'm sorry. Did someone say my name?

 

You got it

 

You guys have it real easy.
I never had it like this where I grew up

 

But I send my kids here. Because the fact is
you go to one of the best schools in the country

 

Rushmore

 

Now, for some of you it doesn't matter.
You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich

 

But here's my advice to the rest of you

 

Take dead aim on the rich boys.
Get them in the crosshairs

 

And take them down

 

Just remember. They can buy anything.
But they can't buy backbone.

 

Don't let them forget that. Thank you.

 

Are you free for graduation, Herman?
Maybe you could give us an encore.

 

I don't give a shit.

I paid for the whole damn natatorium.
The least these little pricks can do is
hear me out.

 

Hello, I'm Max Fischer.

 

I just wanted to tell you I strongly agree
with your views concerning Rushmore.

 

Your speech was excellent

 

This is my chapel partner, Dirk Calloway

 

I really think
you're right about Rushmore.

 

- What's his name again?
- Max Fisher

 

He's a sharp little guy

 

He's one of the worst students we've got

 

We're putting you on what we call
sudden death academic probation

 

And what does that entail?

 

It entails that if you fail another class
you are going to be asked to leave Rushmore.

 

- In other words, I'll be expelled.
- That's correct

 

Can I see some documentation?

 

Too Many extra curricular activities, Max

 

I don't want to tell you how to do your job
But the fact is no matter how hard I try,
I still might flunk another class

 

And if that means I have to stay on
for a post-graduate year, then so be it.

We don't offer a post-graduate year.

 

- We don't offer it yet.
- Just bring up the grades

 

Do you remember how I got into this school?

 

Yes, you wrote a play

 

That's right. Second grade.
A little one act about Watergate

 

And my mother read it

and felt I should go to Rushmore.

You read it and
you gave me a scholarship, didn't you ?

 

- Do you regret it?
- No, I don't regret it

 

But I still might have to expel you

 

Couldn't we just let me float by?
For old times' sake?

 

I can't do it, Max.

 

- They want to kick me out
- Oh, no. Not again. What are you going to do?

 

The only thing I can do.
Try and pull some strings with the administration

 

 

- Did you hear they're teaching Japanese next year?
- That's the rumor

 

- And they're canceling Latin.
- What?

 

I tried to get Latin canceled for five years
"It's a dead language", I'd always say

 

Well, I guess they finally heard you.

 

 

 

Excuse me!

 

Could I see a list of all the people
who've checked out this book in the past year?

 

Look at that

 

I have seen wicked men and fools,
a great many of both
and I believe they both get paid in the end

 

But the fools first

 

Chapter fifteen: The Lad with the Silver Button

 

- Meet me on the corner in 10 minutes
- Where are you goin'?

 

 

Excellent! That's was Excellent!

 

 

 

 

I told Mr. Calloway the other day
how fortunate we are
to have someone like you looking out for Dirk.

 

I'm just trying to impart
some of the experiences I've accrued
to help him.

 

This has my number on it

 

- Hello, Dirk?
- Hi, mom!

 

- How'd the math test go?
- What math test?

 

- No. Did you turn in your paper on the Berlin Airlift?
- Yeah, I got an extension.

 

- So how did it go with Mrs. Calloway?
- We shook hands

 

- Big Deal!
- And I gave her my phone number

 

- Buchan said he'd have already banged her by now
- What?

 

 

That's my best friend's mother he's talking about

 

I thought that's why you picked Dirk
as your chapel partner.

 

What are you, a lawyer?

 

It's Max Fisher.
- Oh, hi!

 

...

 

What's the secret, Max?
- The secret?

 

Yeah. You seem to have it pretty figured out

 

I don't know.

 

I think you just gotta find something you love to do,
then do it for the rest of your life

 

For me, it's going to Rushmore

 

Did you invite that kid to your party?
- Max Fisher?

- There's gonna be girls there. I'd rather die
- Pull your head out of your ass

 

Do vidjenja. -Bog, Max.
-Vidimo se sutra.

 

May I see the back, please?

 

- That's it
- Thank, you

 

I need a signature on this geometry test

 

I know...

 

37%.

 

I don't know what to do anymore

 

It could have been worse.
You almost got the A

 

Maybe I'm spending too much of my time
starting up clubs and putting on plays

That's possible

 

I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.
That's the only thing anybody really cares about.
But it's not my forte, unfortunately.

 

It'll happen, Max. It's just...

You're like one of those clipper ship captains
You're married to the sea

Yes, that's true

 

But I've been out to sea for a long time

 

Hello?
- Hi

 

- I like your hat
- Oh, thank you

 

You're a teacher here, aren't you?

 

- And this is your first year at Rushmore
- Uh-huh

 

How long have you been a smoker,
if you don't mind me asking?

 

- How old are you?
- 15

- Since I was your age
- You're kidding

 

- You should quit
- You're right

 

And I should mind my own business

 

- Where'd you go to school, by the way?
- Harvard

 

Really? That's a coincidence.
My top schools where I want to apply to are
Oxford and The Sorbonne. But my safety is Harvard

 

- That's very ambitious.
- Thank you

What do you want to study?

 

I haven't decided for sure.
But probably a double major
in Mathematics and Pre-Med

What was your major?

 

I didn't have a major. But my thesis was on
Latin American Economic policy

 

Ah, that's interesting. Did you hear
they're not going to teach Latin here anymore?

 

This was more like Central America

 

Oh, Central America and whatnot

 

But moving on, they're gonna cancel Latin.
They've got to make room for Japanese

 

That's a shame because
all the Romance Languages are based on Latin

 

- Yeah, they are
- Nihilo sanctum estne?

 

What's that?
That's Latin, isn't it?

What does that mean?

 

Is nothing sacred?

 

Sic transit gloria : Glory fades
I'm Max Fischer

 

Sign here, please

 

 

In summation, I have only one question :
Is Latin dead?

 

 

 

- Radje ti prekini radit' sranja.
- Is that Latin?

 

Never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream
I would have sons like this

 

What does your dad do, Max

He's a neurosurgeon at St. Joseph's Hospital.

 

Personally, I could never see myself
cutting open somebody's brain.
But he seems to enjoy it

 

Oh, no! I got this one

 

- You were in Vietnam, if I'm not mistaken?
- Yeah

 

- You were in the shit?
- Yeah, I was in the shit

 

What's on Sunday? Oh, that's right.
The Twin's birthday party

 

Do you wanna come?

 

I'd love to. Except I've already got
previous occupations to attend to.
Thanks for the invitation, though

 

- Come work for me
- What do you mean?

 

I mean, I could use someone like you

 

I may not be rich, Mr. Blume
And my father may only be a doctor
But we manage

 

112th

Excuse me, Mr. Blume
Nice talking to you

 

You're on the team?

 

I'm an alternate

 

Miss Cross?

 

I thought I would just let you know
as per our conversation the other day...

- Latin?
- Right. The Romance Languages.
I gave a little speech

- I heard about this
- You did?

I understand you made a very convincing argument.

 

I thought you'd be pleased to hear
they're going to continue the Latin program.

 

- I'm very impressed
- Thank you very much

 

- You need an assistant?
- Do we get to have assistants around here?

 

I doubt it. I'm on scholarship, though.
Academic scholarship. So I get to do odd jobs.

 

- How did you decide to teach at Rushmore?
- My husband went here.

 

I didn't know you were married.

Well, he's dead now.
So I'm not actually

 

- When did he die?
- Last year

 

- My mother's dead
- I'm sorry to hear that

She died when I was seven.

 

So we both have dead people in our families.

 

Now what's going on in here?

 

These were just born

 

I don't want any alloys.
I want steel.

 

I don't give a rat's ass if he did

 

Steel, Harry

 

- You change your mind? You want the job?
- No. But I've got an idea. And need some money

 

Rushmore deserves an aquarium.
A first class aquarium where scientists can lecture
and students can observe marine life in its natural -

 

- I don't know. What do you think, Ernie
- Aquarium?

 

- What kind of fish?
- Barracudas. Stingrays. Hammerheads. Piranhas...

 

- Piranhas? Really?
- Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.

- What did Guggenheim say?
- Nothing. I thought I should go to you first

 

Because at this moment
I feel our best strategy is to keep a low profile.

 

The more preparation I can do,
the stronger our case will be
when we take it to the administration.

 

- How much money do you want?
- $35.000 for the initial plans

 

- I'll give you $2500
- O.K.

 

 

- Thank you
- You're welcome

 

Max?

 

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure

 

Has it ever crossed your mind that
you're way too young for me?

 

It's crossed by mind that
you might consider that a possibility, yes.

Not to mention you're a student...

 

I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, Miss Cross.
I'm surprised you brought it up so bluntly.

 

I just want to make sure...

 

- We've become friends, haven't we?
- Yes

 

And the truth is neither one of us has
the slightest idea where this relationships is going.
We can't predict the future.

 

- We don't have a relationship, Max
- But we're friends

- Yes. And that's all we're going to be
- That's what I meant by relationship.
You want me to grab a dictionary?

 

- I just want to make sure we understand each other
- I understand. You're not attracted to me

 

C'est la vie.

 

- Max. You're fifteen. Attraction doesn't enter into it
- If you say so

 

All I'm getting is...

 

I've never met anyone like you

 

You can take that for whatever it's worth

 

I think I can safely say
I've never met anyone like you, either

 

You haven't, have you?

 

You want to shake hands?

 

- I'm glad we had this conversation
- So am I

 

I can't wear a wire!
They're feeling me up every day!

Oh, Come on. You'll have complete protection

 

I've heard that one before
I got to go put a dime in the meter

 

Joe, put a dime in the meter for officer Serpico

- If you agree to testify in open court...
- No!

 


- No what?
- No, I'm not gonna testify

 

I expect your gun and badge on my desk

 

Promise me one thing, O'Reilly.
You're going to follow this all the way
to the end of the line, where I got to be.

 

So help me, God!

 

 

 

What happened to the cannoli line?
You're supposed to say "Forget about it, Sanchez"

 

I made a mistake, all right?
It doesn't make any difference, anyway

Hey, I'm letting it go. But don't tell me it doesn't matter. Every line matters.

 

- Get off my back!
- Don't fuck with my play!

 

Max!

 

- I thought the acting tonight was excellent
- Thanks. Well, it was better in rehersals

 

I'll catch up with you later, Dad
I've got a dinner to go to

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, cast and crew only

 

- You need some money?
- No, Dad

 

 

- Max, that was great!
- I'm so glad you could come

 

I want you to meet a friend of mine
Peter Flynn. Max Fischer

 

- Who's this guy?
- Peter

 

I really liked your play
It was really cool

 

What happened to your nose?

 

I got punched in the place

 

What's your excuse?

Hey, arthur!

 

- How you doing?
- Nice job

 

- Am I going to get to meet your dad tonight, Max?
- Oh, no. The old man's on call

 

Mr. Blume, I'd like you to meet Miss Cross
and I didn't catch this young gentleman's name

 

- I like your nurse's uniform, guy
- These are OR scrubs

OR they?

 

- Well, they're totally inappropriate for the occasion
- Well, I didn't know we were going to dinner

 

- That's because you weren't invited
- Take it easy, Max

You're the one who ordered him a Scotch and soda

 

What's wrong with that? I can write a hit play

Why can't I have a drink when I want myself?

 

- So tell me, Curly. How do you know Miss Cross?
- We went to Harvard together

 

And I wrote a hit play. And directed it
So I'm not sweating it, either

 

- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm getting the check

No, you're not. Excuse me.

I just wanted to thank you again for accommodating us.

We only expected to be a party of three,
but somebody invited himself along. I apologize.

- Quite all right
- OK

 

- You're being rude, Max.
- No, I'm not

 

I'm just trying to figure out
why you brought this gentleman to my play
And my dinner, which was invitation only

 

- Would you like me to pass you the butter?
- Yes, please

 

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

 

You hurt my feelings
This night was important to me

 

- How did I hurt your feelings?
- Oh, my god!

I wrote a hit play

 

And I'm in love with you

 

- Hi
- Were you hiding over there?

 

Didn't wanna distrupt class

 

- What's that you're painting?
- That's a jelly fish

 

- What can I do for you, Mr. Blume?
- Max wants to talk to you

- What for?
- To apologize, I think

We should talk over here

 

- He sent you here?
- Yeah

 

- Are you his messenger?
- No. I'm his friend

 

You were right
I shouldn't have allow him to drink

 

I don't think I should see Max anymore
- He's not going to like the sound of that

 

I know. But I think I let him get too attached

 

- What do you think?
- Oh, I think you your did the best

 

Tell him I'm sorry

 

What's your first name?

 

- Rosemary. What's yours?
- Herman

 

He wrote you a letter.

 

Dear Miss Cross, I would like to take this opportunity
to formly apologize for the events of night of the 23th

 

I am not accustomed to drinking alcohol.

Please do me the service of
coming to the unveiling of a new venture
I have undertaken
 

I hope you will attend, if possible.

 

I remain your friend, Max Fisher.

 

- Cut the music

 

- What time is it?
- 1:15

 

- Did you see her?
- She's not here

Go check the classroom

 

- Should we go ahead and take care of this tree?
- Let's wait a few minutes

- What's going on here, Maxie?
- Beck, good to see you

 

This is where they're building the new aquarium
I'm in charge of the committee, if you can believe it

 

- This is the baseball diamond
- I believe it's being relocated a few feet over

 

Is it true the aquarium will have piranhas?

 

- Where'd you hear that?
- My source indicated that it was a possibility

 

- Yes, it's true but promises are very tricky
- Max

 

- Bad news
- What's the story?

- She has a substitute teacher today
- Why?

 

- I guess she got sick
- You know she's not sick. Give me the phone

 

Janet! Max Fischer.
Is Blume there?

 

Oh, where is he?
Goddammit, he's supposed to be here

 

I don't give a shit about barracudas
But fuck it. I'm building it anyway

 

Max!

 

- Hello, Dr. Guggenheim!
- What do you think you're doing?

- We're having a fund-raiser for...
- Turn that damn thing off

 

Tell me this isn't happening.

I'd rather not have this conversation
in front of the crew.

 

 

We have a new student with us today.

His name's Max Fischer and he's actually asked
to say a few words to the class.

- Max? You want to take it away?
- Sure. Thanks very much

 

I just wanted to introduce myself

 

I'm Max Fischer.
I'm a former student of Rushmore Academy,
which I recently got expelled from

 

This is my first time in a public school.
And I know you probably think
I was born with a silverspoon in my mouth

 

But I'm no elitist. I think you've got some great facilities
and I'm really looking forward to making the best
of it over here at Grover Cleveland.

 

One footnote: I noticed you don't have a fencing team.
I'm going to start one up.
Let me know if you'd like to join

 

- Max?
- Yes?

 

Hi. I'm Margaret Yang. I'm in Mrs. Whitney's class.
I just wanted to tell you I liked your speech

 

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone
asking to give a speech in class before

 

How unfortunate!

 

The silver spoon remark might rub some people the wrong way
But I think I know how you meant it

 

Do you know it?
I gotta go to class right here

 

Janet, Max Fischer. Is he in?

 

- Hey, Max. How's it going?
- Terrible

Tell me something.
When you talk to Miss Cross the other day...

 

- Excuse me. Do you have a telephone pass?
- One second

I got to tell you. I don't know what you see in her.
I don't think she's right for you.

 

What's that supposed to mean?

 

I mean, she's not that beautiful.
She's not that intriguing

 


She has something you can put your finger on. But...

Look, Mr. Blume. Your comments are valuable.
But let's get to the point

 

- Will she see me again? Yes or no?
- No

 

I'm talking on the telephone

 

Oh, Come on. That's rude.

 

Hey, Fisher!

 

You better beat it, sunnie

 

You know, Fischer. I've been watching you.
Showboat, always talking, picking a kid like Dirk -

- because his mother's a great piece
and then getting nowhere

 

Like everything you do.
Big show. No results.

 

What do you call getting a hand job
from Mrs. Calloway in her Jaguar?

A fucking lie?

 

You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium?
Nah. It was the hand job.

You wanna know something else?
It was worth it

 

I'm sorry I embarrassed you at dinner
And please apologize to what's his name for me

 

- I will. Are you OK?
- I'm fine. But I miss Rushmore.

 

I miss the seasons.
And watching the leaves change

 

By the way, what time does the library close?
I got an overdue book to turn in

 

That's your handwriting, isn't it?

 

My husband gave me this book
when he came to visit to me when I was 13

 

And he went to Rushmore.
So when he died I gave it to the library here

 

- You remind me of him, you know?
- I do? How?

 

- You remember you were in the Rushmore Beekeepers?
- Yeah. I was President of them

 

He founded that club

 

- Do you think we can be friends again, Miss Cross?
In a strictly platonic way?
- Of course, I do

 

Do you think you can make a go of it
and settle down at Grover Cleveland?

 

Yeah. But I need a tutor

 

OK! What else do we got?

 

- Hi, Max
- Hello

 

- What was your name again?
- Margaret Yang

- What are you doing seventh period, Margaret Yang?
- I have guitar lessons

 

- Classical guitar or?
- Rock

That's good. We can get out of it then

 

 

Put Margaret down for 3:30 in the auditorium, Woody.

 

And bring a headshot, please

 

- Hello, Herman.
- How are you, Rosemary?

Fine, thanks. I just got home
and I'm having a little snack

 

Having some carrots?

 

- Nice house!
- Yeah, it isn't mine. I'm just sort of housesitting

 

Were you in the neighborhood?

Didn't Max have something planned for us today?
A trip to the museum or something?

 

I don't think so.
I think he's rehearsing tonight

 

Oh. That's right. His new play

 

- He's really making a go of it over at Grover Cleveland
- Yeah. He's doing very well, isn't he?

 

You want a carrot?

 

Yeah. I'll have one of those

 

I'll probably be seeing you soon

 

Or we could go for a walk, if you like

 

- Sure
- Well, this is nice, isn't it?

 

Kind of brisk.
I'll just get a sweater. I'll be back in a minute

 

- Dirk?
- I know about you and the teacher

 

- Does Max know?
- No. And I don't want him to know.
I just want it to stop. Right now

 

You're a married man, Blume.
And you're supposed to be his friend

 

- Look, Dirk. I am his friend
- Oh, yeah. And with friends like you, who needs friends?

 

Unlock it!

 

Little Calloway!

 

You're standing up for the wrong guy.
Fischer ain't your mate

 

- What are you talking about, Buchan?
- He thinks your mum's good for a bonk
That's why he picked you as his chapel partner

 

- Who sold you that crock?
- He told me himself

- He says she gave him a hand job
in the backseat of her bloody Jaguar
- Max never said that

Yeah. I suppose you're right.
After all, the son of a brain doctor
doesn't need to impress anybody, does he?

 

- The killing has got to stop, esse
It's getting too loco. No more gats
- Nigger, you're the crazy one

 

People will be trying to kill you.
Are you talking about getting rid of your gun?

 

- It's time, homey
- Kiss me, Little One

 

Then he kisses her and we're out. OK
Is that for me?

 

Dear Max, I'm sorry to say that I have secretly found out
that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross.

 

My first suspicions came
when I saw them frenching in front of her house
then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping

in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other hand jobs
while you were taking a nap on the front porch

 

Why am I telling you this now?
Because you're such a good friend
Take care, pal. Fondly, Dirk Calloway

 

 

- How was she, Herman?
- Jesus Christ!

 

Was she good? I bet she was.
Although I wouldn't know 'cause I never screwed her

 

Going skinny-dipping while I took a nap.
"Are you comfortable, Max?"

- "I'll just be out back nude
getting hand jobs from the woman you love"
- We never went skipping dipping

 

Sure, you didn't. And next you're going to tell me
you didn't just walk out of her house
at two o'clock in the morning

 

I'm in love with her

 

Well, I was in love with her first

 

And all that crap about "I don't think she's that great"
"I don't think she's right for you, Max"
That was all bullshit, wasn't it?

 

- Do you think she's in love with you?
- I don't know

 

Well, I guarantee you she's not
And she never will be

 

Max!

 

I saved Latin!

 

What'd you ever do?

 

On the planet I'm from
the sun only comes out once a year

 

- That is why my skin...
- Excuse me!

 

I just came by to thank you for wrecking my life

 

Max, what are you doing?

 

Hello? Mrs. Blume? This is Max Fisher
I have some information regarding your husband

 

Thank you for meeting me

 

You're welcome

 

Would you like a sandwich?

 

All right

 

- I have a tuna, peanut butter and jelly
I'm sorry it's not something more exotic
- I'll take the tuna fish

 

Get to the point

 

- And how long will you be staying with us, Mr. Blume?
- Indefinitely. I'm being sued for a divorce

 

Shortie!

 

- So can you tell me where the pool's located?
I might want to take a dip after I have the dinner
- It's on the roof, sir

 

5'3", a hundred and twleve pounds,
black hair, glasses...

 

Thanks for bailing me out, Dad
Can you drop me off at Rushmore?
I got to go settle a score

 

You think that's wise, Max?

 

- What are you doing? What are you doing?
- Private property! You're trespassing!

 

Wait a minute! Stop!

 

Let's have a truce for a second
Truce! Truce!

 

What's this all about?

 

Did you say my mother gave you a hand job?
Did you say it?

 

Who told you that goddamn lie?
Never mind. I know who said that

 

- And I'm going to stick a knife in his heart
And I'm going to send him back to Ireland in a bodybag
- He's from Scotland

 

Well, tell that stupid mick
he just made my list of things to do today
I'm going to pop a cap in his ass

 

So you received the package?

 

Good. I just wanted to inform you
about what's going on

 

- I never took you for an informer, Max
- What's that suppose to mean?

 

She resigned this morning
Before I even got your little snapshots
So your latest attempt at sabotage has backfired

 

- But she's one of the best teachers you've got
How could you let her go?
- Why are you trying to get her fired?

 

You stupid old fool!
I'm trying to win her back!

 

Miss Cross?

Hi, Max

 

- You need any help?
- No. I have it. Damn it!

 

- Here. Let me see
- No. Please, I don't think you should come in here

 

Look. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings

 

I'm sorry I love your friend instead of you
But... Please, Max

 

- You honestly believe you love Blume instead of me?
- Yes

 

You'll forgive me if I won't take your word for that

 

If you don't stop, I'm going to lose it
I mean it!

 

It's too late

 

Wait, please

 

- I got kicked out because of you!
- You got kicked out because...

 

- Rushmore was my life. Now you are!
- No, I'm not

 

What do you really think is going to happen between us?
You think we're going to have sex?

 

That's kind of a cheap way to put it, don't you think?
- Not if you've never fucked before, it isn't

 

Oh, my God

How would you describe it to your friends?
Would you say that you fingered me?

Or maybe I could give you a hand job
Would that put an end to all of this?

 

Please. Get out of my classroom

 

- Fischer, ya spotty fucker!
- Hey, Magnus

 

Got any hand jobs lately?

 

Hey, Dirk! Look who's here. Your stepfather!
Waitin' for your mum so he can get a piece

 

Your mind is as warped as your ear, Buchan

 

Don't get nasty, brother

 

We got him, Dirk. We got him

 

Max?

 

Hi, Mr. Blume

 

You wanted to meet?

 

- When?
- Right now. You said you wanted to put an end to this

 

Oh. Yeah. I was going to try and
have that tree over there fall on you

 

That big one? That would have flat me like pancake

 

- What stopped you?
- What's the point? She loves you

 

- She's my Rushmore, Max
- Yeah, I know. She was mine, too

 

 

 

 

- Good night, Stan. Merry Christmas!
- See you next time

 

It's been nice having your company
here at the shop, Max

 

Have you put anymore thought into
giving school another shot?

 

Max, I like being a barber. I'm good at it
But I always thought you'd try another line of work

 

- You talked about being a senator or a diplomat
- Pipe dreams, dad

 

I'm a barber's son

 

See you at dinner

 

- Hello, Dirk
-Hi, Max

 

- What can I do for you?
- I thought I might get a haircut
- We are closed

 

Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry
I threw rocks at you the other day
But I guess I should go now

 

Merry Christmas

 

What in the hell is that?

 

- So did you heard the news?
- I doubt it. I don't really follow the news anymore

 

- Dr. Guggenheim had a stroke
- I'll send him a box of candy

 

Maybe you ought to go visit him

 

- Mrs. Guggenheim?
- Hello, Max. Come in

 

It's so good to see you

 

These are glorious
Let me put them in some water. Have a sit

 

- Should I say hello to Dr. Guggenheim?
Or can he not hear me?
-No, he can hear you

 

Hello, old timer. It's Max Fischer

 

- You probably can hear me because
I don't know if your brain is damaged so...
- What do you want?

 

Nelson?

 

- It's the first thing he said in 10 days

 

- Do you think he recognized me?
- No, I don't think so

 

Hey, amigo

 

So who gave you the shiner?

 

Either Ronny or Donny.
But I can't tell the difference anymore

 

Whichever one it was, it clocked you

 

- Kids don't like their parents to get divorced
- I don't blame 'em
- Neither do I

 

- How is she?
- I really don't know

- Why not?
- I don't see her in 6 weeks

 

What happened?

 

She left?

 

- She's in love with the dead guy, anyway
- Edward Appleby

 

She's fucked up

 

- Adios, amigo
- Hey, you ok?

 

I'm a little bit lonely these days

 

Max?

 

What are you doing here?

 

- I don't know. Jesus!
They came at me out of no where. It was so sudden
- What?

 

I'm sorry. Can I use your phone?
I just got hit by a car

 

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

 

- What did you say?
- Come inside

 

 

- So this is where it all happens?
- Oh, what happens?
- I wouldn't know

 

- So why'd you dump Blume?
- That's none of your business

 

I know it's not. But I was just hit by a car
I'm a little confused right now

 

- I mean. I thought you dumped me for Blume
- I never dumped you because we were never going out

 

Because it would help me
if you would talk to me for a minute.
And tell me what happened

 

Well. A: He's a married man
B: He hates himself

 

- And C: He smashed your bicycle, didn't he?
- My previous bicycle. Yes

 

- Well, what sort of person does something like that?
- I don't know

 

War does funny things to men

 

He thinks you dumped him because of Edward Appleby

 

What does that mean?

 

Well, I mean. You live in this room

 

With all his stuff. It's kind of...

 

- I was married to him
- I know you

 

I will say Edward has more spark and character
and imagination in one fingernail than
Herman Blume has in his entire body

 

One dead fingernail

 

Right. One dead fingernail

 

How'd he die by the way?

 

He drowned

 

- How'd your mother die?
- She got cancer

 

Hold still for a minute, ok?

 

- You're very pretty
- Thank you

 

Is this fake blood?

 

Yes, it is

 

You know, you and Herman deserve each other
You both are little children

 

Let me show you to the door

 

 

- Goodbye, Miss Cross
- Goodbye, Max

 

Hey, I have a, I'm sorry about what I said
about your mom giving me a handjob

 

I know, Max. Sorry I didn't take your hand
when Buchan kicked your ass

 

Hey, it's ok

 

What's that?

 

I don't know

 

Nice landing

 

What's that you got there?
A flight plan or something?

 

- Do you know Dirk Calloway?
- I don't think so
- Dirk, this is Margaret Yang

 

I heard about your science fair project on Action 13
They said the Navy was going to buy it from you

- No, not anymore
- Why not?

- Because it was fake
- What do you mean?

 

- I faked all the results
- Why?
- Because it didn't work. I thought it would but it didn't

 

You were a real jerk to me. You know that?

 

Sorry, Margaret

 

Well. Anyway. Nice to see you

 

Can I take over for a while?

 

 

 

 

- Thanks for meeting me, Mr. Blume
- What can I do for you?

 

What's this?

 

That's the Perfect Attendance awards
and the Punctuality Award. I got those at Rushmore

 

I thought you could choose which one you like more
and you could wear that one and I could wear the other

 

I'll take punctuality

 

Come here

 

- Thank you
- Come on inside

 

Well, Well. Well...
Look what the cat dragged in

 

- Sorry, I'm late
- That's OK

 

I want you to meet somebody
Mr. Blume, this is my father, Bert Fischer

 

Nice to meet you, Mr. Fischer
Mr. Fischer was my father's name. Call me Bert

 

So Max tells me you need a haircut
I want to you sit down

 

- I don't know, Bert
- Don't worry, Mr. Blume. It's a painless procedure
Maybe we throw in a shave as well

 

Are you fine with that mustache?
Do you wanna keep it for a while?

 

- How much are you worth, by the way?
- I don't know

- Over ten million?
- Yeah, I guess so

 

- Good, good
- Why?
- Cause we're going to need all of it

 

 

 

She's not coming, is she?

 

It doesn't look good

 

Ah, shit! What am I doing here?

 

How the hell did you ever get so rich?
You're a quitter, man!

 

I paid eight million dollars

 

And that's all you're prepared to spend?

 

I'm sorry you couldn't make it
to the little ground-breaking the other day

It's kind of a shame, since he's building it for you

 

I never asked anybody to build me an aquarium

 

- I'm not sure how that rumor got started
- Me, neither

 

- You think Edward Appleby would've built you one?
- Yeah. He probably would've if he had the money

 

That's what I thought. Blume's got a little more
spark and vitality than you expected, doesn't he?

 

- But the aquarium was your idea
- Well, I gave it to my friend

 

- Fifteen sticks?
- Yes, please

Could you make the order out to Ready Demolition?

 

Thank you very much

 

Make sure these don't get wet

 

- I'll see you at 3:15
- Where you going?
- Rushmore

I got one last piece of
unfinished business to attend to

 

- Fisher, ya fuck!
- Hello, Magnus

I'd have shot you in the other ear,
but it got blown off a long time ago

 

- Besides now we're even
- Not for long, kemosabe

 

- I got a proposition for you
- Will you stick it up your mother's arse, ya little prick?

 

I've got to hand it to you, Magnus.
You've got a way with words. You want to be in a play?

 

What's all this shite?
- Nothiong

 

I think you're right for the part

 

 

- I always wanted to be in one of your frickin' plays
- I know you did, mate

 

 

It's gonna be exciting. My son, Max wrote it

 

I gotta go to hospital

 

- My kid's gonna burn this place down
- You'd better believe it

 

Klinci ce razvaliti
dvoranu. -l hoce.

 

 

Turn it, turm it. That's it

 

Hi, Herman

 

Looks like Max pulled a fast one on us

 

 

I don't usually do this,
but this play means a lot to me

 

And I wanted to make a dedication
So I'll just say that this play is dedicated
to the memory of my mother, Eloise Fischer

 

And to Edward Appleby. A friend of a friend

 

Also you'll find a pair of safety glasses
and some earplugs underneath your seats.
Please feel free to use them. Thank you very much

 

 

 

 

 

Let's rock, Esposito! Let's rock!

 

 

I'm OK! Go, go, go, go!

 

- Take it easy, Dirk
- How much time we got, Wood?

 

- Bring me some more ketchup very quickly, please
- This is gonna look stupid
- No, it's not. It's gonna look real

 

- Thank you
- You're welcome. Hold this one, too. OK?

 

So what do you think of Max's latest opus?

 

It's good

 

It's got a happy ending

 

- Adios, Esposito
- Adios, Sarge. Say a prayer for Surf Boy

 

Semper fi(Good luck), soldier
Semper fi

 

Sic transit gloria
Maybe we'll meet someday when the fighting stops

 

Tag 'em and bag 'em, cherries! We're moving out!

 

Hello, Esposito

 

- Will you marry me, Le-Chahn?
- You bet I will

 

 

- Did Max send you an invitation?
- Yeah. And he told me to wear a tie

 

- Congratulations, Max.
- Thanks you very much, Mrs. Yang

 

I wrote a different version of the play two years ago

- But I couldn't get it done over at Rushmore
- Oh, really? why?

 

- No. A kid got his finger blown off during rehearsals
- A very good evening to you, Fishers

 

Miss Cross, I'd like you to meet
my father, Bert Fischer. He's a barber

 

- This is my friend Rosemary Cross
- Hello, Rosemary

 

And, of course, you know Mr. Blume
I'd also like everyone to meet Mr. and Mrs. Yang
And this is Margaret

 

I'm surprised they let him build a real campfire onstage
It's clearly a safety hazard

 

- Last year he tried to raise piranhas
- Yeah, I know he did that
What'd you think, Mr. Littlejeans?

 

Best play ever, man

 

- I thought I was very realistic performancer
- Yeah? Fischer stepped on half of my bleedin' line

 

- I didn't notice
- How are Ronny and Donny doing in military school?

 

- They love it
- Lucky Bastards

 

- I understand you're a neurosurgeon
- No. I'm a barber. But a lot of people make that mistake

 

- You were incredible tonight, Margaret
You were that poor girl
- Thank you

 

- I loved it when you grabbed onto
the bottom of the chopper as it was taking off
- That was totally improvised

 

- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course
- Can you do an Australian accent?

 

I'm working on something that's set in the outback

 

I really feel like celebrating, you know

- Would you care to dance?
- Oh, yes. I'd love to

 

- You're looking good, Bert
- Hello, Mr. Blume
- Hello, Margaret

 

May I cut in? I haven't had a change to
cut a rug with your new girlfriend yet

 

Yes, I am. Find your own partner, Mr. Blume
I'm spoken for

 

No, it's OK. He's my friend

 

- Well, you pulled it off
- It went OK. At least nobody got hurt

 

Except for you

 

No. I didn't get hurt that bad

 

Come on, you two. Shake a leg

 

You you like to dance?

Yeah, but let's see if we DJ can play
something with a little more...

 

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