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Saving Silverman (R Rated Version)

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Neil Diamond. Hot August night, 1972.
That concert rocked and rolled. I know because I was there.
That's me.
My water broke.
Eversince then, I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.
But this story isn't about Neil.
It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.
Best friends since fifth grade.
That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant.
And he's not very bright.
That's Darren Silverman.
He's a romantic.
But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.
That's me, Wayne.
I'm loyal to my friends.
-I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl. -Me too.
After that, I started working out.
We stayed best friends throughout high school.
I was the third-string quarterback.
J.D. became the school mascot.
Hey, what did you say I didn't really motherfucking hearyou
Yeah, yeah you Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you
And Darrenjoined the cheerleading squad.
Oh, that's Sandy.
Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.
When you're up against a Warbird
You're upside down!
Oh, that's Coach Norton.
He was a big influence in ourlives. He taught us many things.
Two things you got to remember, boys.
Number one: Stay away from women.
All they want from you is your man juice.
Now...
...if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this.
-Oh, number two.... -Sportsmanship.
Sportsmanship.
Sportsmanship.
You fairy wimp fruit bag!
You suck!
Le Fessier! Get out there!
I'm just gonna get my helmet.
Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in!
-See, he's going in! -Oh, my God!
Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!
Blue 48! Blue 48!
Go! Set!
Hike!
But now we're all grown-up.
J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.
Recently he was promoted...
...to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
I've been working on them for 8 weeks. I present the future of Subway.
Bellston...
...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
-Big? -Like we practiced. You can do this.
L....
Long!
Okay, we'll come back to you.
This guy's my stinkiest student by far.
Trimball, let's see your sub.
No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside.
Okay, take it away.
Take it away!
Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé.
He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub.
Heston, where's the party sub?
Darren is a social director at a retirement home.
B-17.
Bingo.
Bingo.
Abe...
...pull your pants up or no more Matlock.
I started my own business.
What are we dealing with here?
I don't know, but it sounds big.
Stay back. I'm going in.
Careful, sonny.
So you're causing all this trouble, huh?
Come here.
Hey there. Hello.
Here's the ferocious beast, huh?
Hey, where's your mommy?
Get off! Get it off!
Is it dead?
No.
But she is in one deep coon coma.
Stop it!
But we all have one mystical thing in common: Ourlove forNeil.
That's ourband, Diamonds in the Rough.
Hey, I'm Darren.
Sophie.
Do you, maybe, want to grab a drink with me?
I'm sorry. I'm involved.
With a real entertainer.
I can't believe I got blown off again. I'll never meet the right girl.
You don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
Dude, what does a mime look like when it's having sex anyway?
It's probably like:
"l'm a mime. I'm a mime."
Hey, mimes don't talk.
They do when they're off duty.
It's not her. It's all women.
I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.
The only girl I ever loved...
...walked out of my life years ago.
Sandy Perkus.
-Rememberher? -Smile.
Her family was with the circus.
Her dad was The Strong Man.
Hermom was The Bearded Lady.
Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy.
Before I mustered the courage to ask her out, she moved away.
You know, I truly believe...
...that there is a one and only someone for everyone.
And Sandy...
...Sandy Perkus...
...was my one and only.
Man, that is so romantic.
Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.
What do you think of her?
-Who? -Right there.
In the red?
-Yeah, she's gorgeous. -Go talk to her.
-No. -Okay, I'll do it for you.
What? Hey, wait.
Hi. I'm Wayne.
-No. -No, you don't understand.
I'm not hitting on you.
Back off.
I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.
He's smart, he's sensitive--
-I don't care. -He'd make a great husband.
-I don't want to meet him. -Great.
Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
-Really? -Yeah, she's like:
"Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
-Are you sure? -Totally!
Get down there and make your move.
I don't know.
Come on!
-Carpe poon! -Really?
-Okay, I'll do it. -All right!
I'm Darren.
Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.
He lied.
That's a good one.
No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.
My friend must have been mistaken.
I'm really sorry to bother you.
Let me guess.
That jerk tried to get into your pants with some tacky line.
I'm not like that.
I use magic.
Beat it, baldy.
Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.
I have here two...
...ordinary metal rings.
You and me.
I love you.
Sorry, I forgot my beer.
This is my boyfriend, Darren. So hit the bricks, porky.
Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.
Satan.
I'm sorry about hitting on you before--
-You should be. -I am. I am.
I just, I wasn't thinking in....
You're so beautiful, and I....
I'm sorry.
So make up for it. Buy me a drink.
-Yeah. Okay. -I'll have a Scotch.
Give the lady a Scotch, and I'll have another beer.
-He'll have a gin and tonic. -Make that a gin and tonic.
Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?
They're just having a drink together.
It's not like they're going steady or anything.
It's midnight. You know what that means?
No. What?
It's our six-week anniversary.
-Did you get me anything? -No.
That's okay. That's okay.
No big deal. But...
...I...
...got you a little something.
Thanks. That's really nice.
You know, I've been thinking.
We've been together for a while now...
...and it seems like maybe it's time...
...we get a little more intimate.
Are you saying you want to have sex?
Yeah, I am.
I don't believe in premarital sex. I'd rather not cheapen what we have.
Of course. Of course not. Me neither.
-So it's best to wait. -You're right.
I think-- I mean, you're-- It's best.
But...
...that doesn't mean that we can't...
...pleasure each other in other ways.
I got you.
Oh, I got you.
That was really great.
Thanks.
That got me pretty excited.
That's nice.
I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me.
Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you.
I would love to, but I can't.
I have very, very sensitive gums.
You have gums-- It's a medical condition.
I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No.
You're so sweet.
You know, there are other ways to give me pleasure without using your mouth.
Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry.
No, that's fine. That's fine.
Have fun.
-Watch your head. -This place is a dump.
I really don't want to do this.
It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual and I want you to be part of it.
I want you to get to know these guys. You'll love them, honey.
-Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude? -What's up, J.D.?
Judy, awesome to meet you.
Judith.
Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?
-No. -Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.
Check it out. Chewie.
You want a drink?
-Scotch on the rocks. -You want ice?
I'll help you with that.
Hey, Judith. Can I give you the grand tour?
Let's start right here in the "Hall o' Neil."
This is Neil, '74. Check this out.
This is a set list from the Millennium Concert. Look:
Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.
Looks like a Xerox.
No. This cost a lot of money. Check this out.
-I think you got taken. -Ready?
This shirt...
...was worn by Neil...
...in concert.
Check it out. We snuck backstage...
...and totally stole it from him while he was taking a whiz.
In my profession, we call your obsession with Neil...
...a delusional projection fantasy.
Yeah, sure. But he's America's greatest songwriter and he's our hero.
And he's playing the Forum in two weeks.
Of course, we can't go because of the whole restraining order thing.
Neil, I love you!
You again!
Neil! Where are you going?
I want to party with you. I want to party with you!
Game's on.
Game's on.
-Give me the remote. -I want to go.
-Give me a beer. -We just got here.
These guys are pigs.
Come on. No, they're not that--
Hey! What are you doing?
Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
Okay, look. Why don't we just stay for a little bit, okay?
Oh, take mine. Take mine.
Give her the old sweep-a-roo.
Old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together.
Enjoy.
I'll help you. She has multiple reclining positions.
-I can sit forward. -It's stuck.
-It's fine. -Takes a little muscle.
Come on, you fucking piece of shit.
-I don't need-- -It's no trouble.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.
You know what? I think I-- Yep.
It's the lug nut. Fixed it. Please have a seat.
I'll stand.
I'm a--
-Sorry. -Get me something.
So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
-That's right. -Interesting.
I'm in a related field.
Really? What's that?
Pest and rodent removal.
How is that related?
We both help people.
While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs...
...I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish....
He launched it.
Touchdown!
I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!
But they're my best friends.
You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band.
I know you're upset. I do. But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...
...and I'm not quitting the band.
Okay, fine. No more sex.
What?
You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.
No, Judith, please--
Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.
You go, boys. You sing this song. You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!
-Sing it! -This blows, man.
Judith's out of control. We gotta do something.
Besides ruining the band, what else has she done?
Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life.
She didn't like his ass. Made him get butt-cheek implants.
I thought his ass looked tighter.
Check this out. Last night...
...torched his Neil Diamond albums.
She torched Neil?
You're right. She's a monster.
Two, three, four.
-Hey! -Yes!
-Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's all right.
I only have a minute. I have to wax Judith's legs.
-We miss you. -We never see you anymore.
I know, I'm sorry...
...but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.
Plus, my relationship counseling sessions--
Counseling?
Yeah. I go two hours, three times a week.
Oh. Who's your counselor?
Judith.
We don't think she's right for you.
Break up with her.
She's ruining our lives and yours.
This graph should illustrate our point.
Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high: 93.
It is now an eight.
Band numbers have plunged dramatically.
Girls, never very high, at nine. But look now. Two!
This has led to increased wanking off.
I'm chafing.
Shit, I gotta go home and heat the wax.
Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern, really.
I miss you too. But it was great seeing you, all right?
That guy's in serious trouble.
We need to save him.
Sorry to bother you.
What are you doing here?
We want to apologize for the beer shower.
And the salsa bath. That was bad.
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Spartacus Fixed 1960
Spartan 2004 CD1
Spartan 2004 CD2
Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
Species 3 CD2
Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
Spider-Man CD1
Spider-Man CD2
Spider (2002)
Spider Man 2 CD1
Spider Man 2 CD2
Spies Like Us 1985
Spirit of the Beehive
Spirited Away CD1
Spirited Away CD2
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD2
Splash
Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
Spy Game
Spy Hard
Spy Who Came In from the Cold The
Spy Who Loved Me The
Spy Who Shagged Me The - New Line Platinum Series
Spygirl CD1
Spygirl CD2
Square Peg
Squirm
St Johns Wort - (Otogiriso) 25fps 2001
Stage Beauty 2004
Stage Fright 1950
Stagecoach
Stalag 17
Stalker 1979 CD1
Stalker 1979 CD2
Star Trek Generations CD1
Star Trek Generations CD2
Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones
Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope
Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2
Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)