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Six Feet Under

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Damn, this house is cold.
Shit, Hattie, it's like a goddamn icebox.
Well, no wonder. Girl, are you crazy?
We live in the desert. It gets cold at night.
You plan on sleeping all day?
I was planning to get me some breakfast before nightfall.
Come on, bitch. Get your lazy ass up.
Come on, now, this ain't the old folks' home.
Hattie.
Hattie?
I hate this client.
Every time she gets dumped by a guy, she gets a puppy.
So now she's got, like, 1 5 dogs.
They're all male, they're all huge and they sit there and watch. . .
. . .with their tongues hanging out while l work on her.
It's like being in some live sex show for Asian businessmen and frat boys.
Which l actually did for a while, back in the '80s, to make some money.
I got this great thing going with Ping-Pong balls you'd really like.
I'm gonna show it to you sometime.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if l got some hedge clippers and cut off your dick?
-What? -Do me a favor, okay?
-Don't read that shit in front of me. -You gave it to me.
-Yeah, come on, l'm late. -I'm at the part with the doll.
Why is your doll angry?
Because she got raped.
-Really? By who? -By you.
Brenda, do you know what "raped" means?
It means she was forced into sexual intercourse against her will.
It's so cool. You're doing it to scare them into leaving you alone, right?
-What do you want from me? l was 8. -Did it work?
No, it didn't work. I just got a whole new level of scrutiny. . .
. . .by a different set of vultures, only they were women.
I'm leaving. You still want a ride?
-You all right? -Yes, l'm fine.
What are you doing today?
Well, the cabinets. I'm gonna try to organize the cabinets.
Good.
-I'll be downstairs. -All right.
-Hey, Bobby. -Yeah.
Bring the Lincoln Town Car around front.
So you're the other Fisher boy, huh? The one from where, Oregon?
-Seattle. -Right, with the health-food thing.
-Yep. -I remember your dad talking about you.
I'm sorry to hear about him, man. He was a funny guy.
Yeah?
-No, you don't pay. -Don't pay?
Yeah. Your dad buried my brother a few years back. It's in trade.
My father traded a funeral for oil changes?
Yeah, guess so.
Bye, Mom. Have a good day.
So would you like us to take care of finding you a cemetery plot, Mr. Jones?
-Yeah, l don't wanna do that. -Would you like a double plot?
What for?
Well, one for your wife, and one for you. Next to each other.
It this what you do all the time? Sell people their own graves?
-Yes, sir. This is my job. -Don't try to pull that shit with me, boy.
I want a simple box, no frills.
You can't take advantage of me because l'm old. I'll kick your ass!
Just a single plot, then.
No. Double plot. Shit.
Will you want Mrs. Jones prepared for viewing?
Yes, l wanna see her, but l don't want you messing with her none.
I don't want you to cut her or stick her or pickle her like an egg.
If you want a viewing, l recommend--
That's my wife, boy! l don't want you to touch her!
Mr. Jones, l can guarantee that you will not want to see her. . .
. . .nor will anyone else, unless she's been embalmed.
I would beg you to consider what your wife would want.
She's dead, fool. Don't matter what she wants.
Well, yes, sir, but. . . .
After death, the body immediately begins to decompose.
Much quicker than you might think. The skin begins to separate.
There's quite an unpleasant odor.
Should you choose to forgo embalming, my recommendation would be cremation.
As soon as possible.
That's just the way it is, Mr. Jones.
I don't wanna burn her up. I wanna see her.
Fine. You do understand, however, that means she'll need to be embalmed.
-I ain't paying for that. -Sir, the cost is minimal.
I will waive the embalming fee, Mr. Jones. All right?
That was a good sermon, l thought.
-Did you? -You didn't?
-I didn't really listen to it. -Hello!
-Hello. -Hello.
Hello, Mrs. Fisher. I'm Tracy Blair, David's friend.
Tracy.
I keep asking him when we're gonna meet his fiancée.
-Does she go to another church? -Yes.
What fiancée?
Tracy, l told you, Jennifer and l had broken it off years ago.
You did? So there's no fiancée now?
Excuse us.
-It's really a sore subject for us all. -You're hurting my arm.
Ruth.
-Hiram. -How are you?
I'm fine, thank you. Have you been coming to church?
-I haven't seen you. -I wanted to give us some space.
Please don't sacrifice anything on my account.
Little late for that.
-I miss you. Can l see you? -No.
Ruth, haven't you punished yourself enough?
Shall we go?
-Hi, l'm David Fisher. -Hiram Gunderson.
Nice to meet you.
-You're the hairdresser. -It's nice to meet you, son.
-Don't call me that. -David!
What?
-I'll go get the car. -No, l'm coming with you.
It's good to see you. You look well.
Okay, l hear you. Jesus!
Who are you?
-I live here. Who are you? -I wanna see my wife.
Oh, l'm sorry. We're not open yet. Everyone who knows anything is gone.
I wanna see my wife.
Sir, l don't deal with the dead people, so you're just gonna have to come back.
Bitch, l don't need your permission.
Sir, you're just gonna have to come back later.
-My foot. -What?
Help! Help! There's a white girl trying to cripple an old black man.
Honestly.
Look, sir, you can't go in there.
Hello?
Hello, is anyone home?
Yes, in here.
-Who's your friend? -Hell if l know.
His wife died, and he wanted to see her. I guess she isn't ready yet.
He was about to keel over, so l helped him sit down.
Then l had to listen to him bitch about public transportation forever. . .
. . .then he just, like, passed out.
Now l can't get his fucking hand to let go.
-Maybe he died. -Very funny.
No, he's still breathing and farting.
-Can you help me pry his hand loose? -Sure.
Is Nate around?
I just bought this fabulous antique chest, weighs a ton.
-I'm gonna need a hand getting it home. -No, l haven't seen him.
-I can help you move it, though. -No. Thanks.
So l'm no good because the cabinet moving thing's just foreplay for you. . .
. . .to fuck my brother?
No. I'm just not into babysitting high-school girls.
-No offense. -Let go of me!
Damn, what you all doing? Trying to steal my watch?
Ought to call the goddamn cops.
Why? You're the one who's breaking and entering.
Look. We've gotta go move a chest.
Someone should be back soon to let you see your wife.
-Hey, little girl. -What?
You ain't fooling nobody.
Great. Thanks. I'll work on that. I'll be, like, one minute to change, okay?
Are you gonna be okay here alone?
Everybody's alone.
You born alone, you die alone, goddamn it.
I'm sorry about your wife.
You didn't know her.
Jessica Wilcox?
I'm Nate Fisher. Nathaniel's son.
I wondered why l hadn't heard from Nathaniel in quite a while.
I hate this. I hate that l'll never see him again. He was such a kook.
A kook? Dad?
I don't think anybody ever made me laugh like that.
He had such a sense of humor.
-So l hear. -He was really proud of you.
-I'm Nate, not David. -I know who you are.
You're the one who took off. Your father really respected you for that.
Said he wished he'd had the guts to do that when he was a kid.
Ms. Wilcox, did you have some kind of arrangement with my father?
-Arrangement? -In our ledgers, some of the funerals. . .
. . .were marked differently, and your mother's was one.
It seems my father sometimes traded his services for payments other than cash.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but can l see some kind of identification?
-Driver's license would do. -Sure.
Libra, huh? l would've taken you for a Capricorn.
-You drink a lot of coffee up in Seattle? -Yeah.
Better be careful. Give you kidney stones.
Come on. Surely you wouldn't begrudge your father such a minor indulgence.
-My father never smoked pot. -Not in front of you, he didn't.
It's the finest organic. Grown up in San Francisco by my son.
Take it. It's your father's monthly supply.
How is your mother doing with the grieving, David?
She's fine. As far as l can tell. You know her, she likes to suffer in silence.
That seems to be a family trait.
You know, it's God's will for us to live our lives fully.
Breathing in the joy around us, not just shouldering the pain.
God wants you to be happy.
I call them "energy buns. " They're my own recipe.
Well, not really. Adding the peppers, l picked up on my honeymoon.
-Have you ever been to Brazil? -No.
Oh, my God, Brazilians are the most beautiful people alive!
They're like these fabulous mongrels. . .
. . .who've incorporated all the very best attributes from every race.
I mean, all that crossbreeding. Hello!
I had a half-breed mutt who lived to be almost 20.
Then l got this purebred corgi, and its hips disintegrated before it was even 2.
-Here you go. -Fuck you, church freaks.
Well, enjoy.
Do you cook? l hate cooking just for myself.
That's the worst part about being divorced.
That and the whole no-regular-sex thing.
David? Could l talk to you for a moment?
-Alone? -Excuse us.
-What do you want? -Ruth won't talk to me.
I'm worried about her. I was hoping you could--
You were fucking my mother while my father was still alive. . .
-. . .and now you want me to--? -I understand if you're upset--
Understand this. Whatever you have with my mother is between you and her. . .
. . .but l have no interest in helping you.
Table for one?
-Are you the owner? -Yes.
Did you know my father, Nathaniel Fisher?
This used to be our storeroom. . .
. . .but when l finally got a loan from the bank, l put an extension out the kitchen.
Your father buried my wife seven years ago.
I had very little money for the funeral.
He asked if he could have this room as his own. . .
. . .and that would be my settlement.
What did he do here?
I don't know.
-Stay as long as you like. -How often did he come here?
Sometimes, we wouldn't see him for months.
Sometimes, he was here every day.
Mrs. Fisher.
Good afternoon, Nikolai.
I don't believe l've had a chance to thank you yet.
When Kroehner started pressuring everyone to cut us off. . .
. . .most of our suppliers just abandoned Fisher & Sons.
-You stuck with us. -Of course l stick with you.
Here.
Thank you.
These flowers are not going to plant themselves.
Such delicate skin. You have Russian color.
I do?
You don't like the beauty you have?
The front door is open. You can leave the flowers inside.
Okay.
Okay. That is where that is going to have to stay.
-God, that shit was heavy. -You wanted to help.
Oh, my God. Is this yours?
No. That's Nate's, but he keeps leaving it in my car.
-I love this book. -You've read it?
Yeah. My friends and l were all over it three summers ago. . .
. . .before they all turned into pretentious drama nerds and abandoned me.
Thank God.
-What's your favorite part? -Oh, they're too numerous to mention.
Where's that part where she, like, stops speaking for a month. . .
. . .and just barks at them?
Brenda. . . .
Brenda, l know you're angry.
Can you talk to me?
You know they put me in therapy because l stole that foot?
Yeah. Nate told me.
God, l would love to go into one of those sessions and just bark.
Just to see the look on his face.
So do you totally identify with this book too?
Of course she does. It's about her.
What?
She's Charlotte.
You're shitting me.
Is he for real?
Completely.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is like meeting Gandhi or Jesus.
Don't tell me. The book spoke to you.
Like it was written specifically for you.
Well, yeah, in a way.
Have you been to the website?
-There's a website? -Oh, yes.
There's a fan club.
Yeah. Those lonely little girls desperate for something to emulate.
Apparently, they're not original enough to come up with anything on their own.
Well, that's what l like to see, drinking before sundown.
Hi, l'm Billy.
-I'm Claire. -How do you know my sister?
Through my brother Nate. They're dating.
Oh, yeah? Dating? Like what, going steady?
He give her his ID bracelet?
She carve his initials in her arms so they'd be there forever?
Yo, Bren.
You should've seen me out on the ocean today.
All those Venice dicks taking themselves so seriously.
-You surf? -Me? Do l look like l surf?
Do l?
You'll freeze your ass off at this time of year, wearing that thing.
So? lt's my ass.
Oh, fine. You wanna get pneumonia again, go right ahead.
Claire, l should take you home. I got stuff to do.
-That's all right, l'll take her. -Great.
Oh, no, l've got time. We just need to go right now.
If you have stuff to do, don't worry about it.
Yeah, do your stuff.
I just have to take a shower.
So l'm walking along one day, and this asshole stops me and asks if l'm all right.
He says l got a look.
He'd seen a man with that same look once and had ignored it.
And that man had jumped out a nine-story window.
Do you know the reconstruction involved in a death like that?
This business gets under your skin. It's like a fucking virus.
You can even see it on your face.
Smell it on you.
What the hell is this place? This music?
Since when do you listen to the Classics IV?
What did you do here? Who the hell are you?
So many questions. Why couldn't you ask them when l was still alive?
It's okay. I couldn't have answered most of them anyway.
Unlike now. Now l'm a fucking prophet.
Right.
You think l'm kidding, buddy boy?
That's one of the perks of being dead. You know what happens after you die. . .
. . .and you know the meaning of life.
-That seems fairly useless. -Yeah, l know.
Life is wasted on the living.
-Could've told me you were proud of me. -You were never around for me to tell.
Which is exactly what l was proud of you for.
Therein lies your Catch-22.
-So, what's the meaning of life? -You really wanna know?
I don't know.
Will it fuck me up if l do?
Oh, David, you make such a handsome deacon.
All those old stiffs. Finally, a dose of Viagra to the place.
Oh, l don't mean that literally. Not like you'd need it.
Thank you, Tracy.
So. . . . No fiancée, huh?
No, no. That's over.
But she broke my heart, and l'm just not ready. . .
. . .or interested in any sort of relationship now.
-Come on, any relationship? -I'm just not ready.
And l doubt that l will be for quite some time.
Well, what if Cindy Crawford were to walk up to you and say:
"Just use me for sex"?
-I would say no. -Liar.
Is it so wrong to want a little human contact?
You're lonely too. I can tell.
For chrissake, Tracy.
What does it take? No.
Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.
Apparently, l do. I come here to feed these people. . .
. . .because l don't want to talk to anybody.
Do us both a favor. Go to a bar. Pick somebody up.
-No. We just met. -I know. I'm sorry.
I'm just so turned on by you.
Shut up.
-I have to go home. -Hey. . . .
-I wanna see you again. -Good.
But l'm not some skank for you to fuck.
If that's what you're into, go and find that somewhere else.
That's not what l'm into, Claire.
I swear.
If you're lying, l swear to God, l will kill you.
I will kick your ass.
You do not want to mess with me.
-That ain't her. -Excuse me?
That ain't my wife. That ain't my Hattie. What did you do with my Hattie?
Mr. Jones, with all due respect--
I don't want your respect. I want my wife.
Sir, that is your wife.
-You married? -Yes, sir.
She all young and pretty, know how to treat you right?
Yes, sir.
You can't believe how lucky you are.
How life can be so good to you, right?
She gonna turn to that.
We all do.
Well, don't that piss you off, boy?
Not yet.
-He used this how long? -Seven years.
It's weird how you keep showing me rooms people used to live in.
I think it's fucking weird. He'd sit in this sad little room, doing God knows what.
Why does it have to be sad?
Look around.
-I think it's fascinating. -Really? Why?
It's such a mystery, you know?
-You'll never know what went on here. -That's exactly what's driving me crazy.
So, what if you did know? Had it all explained to you.
I bet it wouldn't be nearly as interesting or fun.
Your father would be a lot more boring. You enjoy this.
Come on, don't you pick up on something?
I thought things left marks in people, in places, in time.
What, you think l'm a witch?
You really don't get any kind of vibe from this place at all?
You wanna know what l think?
I think your father. . .
. . .wanted someplace that was just his and nobody else's.
Nate, if you didn't know him when he was alive, you never will.
I don't want to be somebody who, when l die, nobody knows who l was.
So don't be.
How are you doing, Mr. Jones?
I'm sitting here, holding my dead wife's hand. How do you think l'm doing?
Well, you let me know if you need anything.
-Oh, hello. -For Jones.
Mr. Jones, see the beautiful flowers for your wife's viewing tomorrow?
I don't know why you so excited. They're just gonna shrivel up and die.
Well, thank you.
I'll see you out.
I don't know what you think you're doing, but l'll have my sons. . .
. . .order flowers from another florist if this behavior continues.
Which behavior?
This is our place of business. There are grieving people here.
I can't have you skulking around with that look in your eye.
What look?
That sex look.
Maybe you like it.
Lady wear red, she mean business.
This is just what was clean.
Lady, l can see it from here. And l'm blind and deaf.
You need to get yourself laid.
Whoa. Time warp.
I told you.
It's pretty cozy. For a morgue.
-It must be weird. -You get used to it.
You ever done it with anyone here?
Yeah, right, and have my mother walk in? No.
Wow, you look great!
-Shut up. -Come on, seduce me.
There you go. Oh, yeah. There you go.
Don't pretend like you haven't done this before.
You are a natural. Look at you. No, no, don't hide.
Wait.
Is this what you do? You, like, shoot models and stuff?
Hardly.
Hurry, it's on a timer.
Just something to remember me by.
Hey, what do you think about Brenda and your brother? Think they have a chance?
I hope so. She's pretty amazing.
He'd be a real idiot to let her go.
Then again, he's capable of being an idiot sometimes.
Yeah, so why is she into him? Just hot sex?
I think he's really in love with her.
-How could he not be? -Shit, l'm thirsty.
You got any beer?
-No, sorry. -It's all right.
-I should be heading out anyway. -Oh, okay.
-I had fun today. -Me too.
-Let's do this again. -Okay.
Okay. Mr. Boelson is all juiced up.
I'll be in around 7 tomorrow to airbrush him. . .
. . .get him ready for the viewing.
Unless, you know, you want me to do him now.
I was kind of hoping to get home before Vanessa put Julio down.
That's fine. Good night.
Need any help?
No, Federico. Go home to your family.
Don't work too hard.
Mr. Jones.
Time to go home.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Nate. I work here.
-That's my wife in that box. -I know.
-I'm very sorry. -Fifty-six years l spent. . .
. . .sleeping in the same bed with that woman.
Fifty-six years of listening to her talk about the same shit.
Day in, day out.
-It's late. Maybe l should drive you home. -Shut the fuck up, boy.
-Let an old man speak. -Okay.
She. . .
. . .chased me across the front yard with a steak knife once. Tried to cut my ass.
We spent close to a year apart.
That time like a hole in me now.
She the only one who really knew me.
Your wife will always be with you in your memories.
You love someone that much, they never--
You sell that shit to somebody who buying it, because l ain't.
You don't know nothing about love.
Some pretty little thing catches your eye, next thing you know, it's been 56 years.
And you done shit all over yourself in a movie theater. . .
. . .and she the only one to help you clean it up.
That's love.
You don't know nothing.
I won't argue that.
Can l get you anything to drink? l have beer, red wine, a little vodka.
No, just water, thanks.
I don't usually go out on a school night, but you know how it is sometimes.
Yeah.
Here you go. My ex.
We were together nearly two years, then he dumped me for a 22-year-old. . .
. . .stand-in he met on location.
I think that's the only picture l had of him l didn't tear up.
It's funny, you think you know somebody, and. . . .
I hear he's in AA now.
So are you in the business?
No. No, l'm a lawyer. I'm from Boston.
God, how refreshing.
You tend to forget sometimes, living in L.A. . .
. . .that there's this world outside the entertainment industry. . .
. . .and that's the real world.
So, what do you do?
-Production accounting. I told you that. -Oh, right. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
So, Jim. . .
. . .what do you like to do?
-Can we sit down? -Sure.
Had a little too much to drink there, Jim?
-You okay? -Yeah.
I want to apologize for what happened yesterday.
It's okay.
I should never have lashed out at you like that. It's--
I don't know what's wrong with me. I--
I was holding a saucepan the other day. . .
. . .and all of a sudden, l remembered making creamed corn in that pan.
Some night when it was raining outside. . .
. . .and both the boys had colds and my husband was on a call. . .
. . .picking up a body.
And then yesterday, l was cleaning out the cabinets. . .
. . .and l found a jar of baby food in the very back.
Strained carrots from when Claire was a baby.
That jar had been sitting there for over 1 5 years.
I am surrounded by these. . . .
These relics of a life that no longer exists.
We're here for the Jones viewing.
Right this way, please.
-Yeah? -Oh, shit, Billy, did l wake you?
-I'm sorry. Fuck. -Who is this?
It's Claire.
-Who? -It's Claire. Nate's sister.
I just wanted to see if maybe you wanted to hang out after school again today.
Not really.
Come on, Claire, you're what, 1 6?
What do you think l am, a pedophile?
Well?
I don't know what you want me to say.
I don't want you to say anything. I just thought you should see it.
Well, l've seen it.
So Dad traded a room for a funeral. No wonder we never had any money.
Didn't Dad ever say anything about this place?
Dad and l never talked about anything but work.
That's exactly the relationship you and l have.
Nate, people are allowed to have private lives.
So what if Dad had a secret room?
I don't care if he brought women here to fuck.
I don't care if he brought men back here to fuck.
You think we should tell Mom about it?
Sure, why not? You won't be happy until this whole family is in therapy.
That's kind of a leap.
I know you're pissed off about a lot of shit.
But l didn't make any of that shit happen. Right, l abandoned you.
Well, you know what? l'm not your father. I'm not the one. . .
. . .whose responsibility it was not to abandon you, so get over it, please.
Life is just too fucking short.
Thank you, Nate. I appreciate your honesty.
Wrapped, as it was, in such a bouquet of condescension.
If l were you, l'd pack this place up before they start charging us rent.
Quite a hottie, huh?
This is Mom.
You have no idea how beautiful she was, buddy boy.
I have no idea who you were.
I really wasn't that interesting.
No, l think you probably were.
I think you were this great guy, who was funny and weird and high.
I was just always so afraid of everything you did.
Death.
I made the decision to become a fucking undertaker because l thought it was. . .
. . .something you believed in. Now l find out. . .
. . .you think running away is the best thing l ever did?
-Maybe. -I kept us from selling to Kroehner.
And l'm taking the funeral director's license test next month.
Maybe l was just covering up for how embarrassed l was when you left.
Is that why you left half the business to me?
-To get back at me? -Maybe.
Maybe l wanted to see if you had the balls to go against me.
Or maybe l really wanted you to have it. You'll never know.
Goddamn it! When are you gonna stop fucking with me?
When are you gonna stop caring what l thought?
"l never knew my father. "
Get over it, please.
Life is just too fucking short.
My brother is a very complicated man.
And very high-maintenance.
Don't get me wrong, l love him dearly.
But l pity the woman he ends up with.
See, that's the same thing l'd say about my brother.
Nate is not even in the same league.
Was l crazy?
I mean, Billy was really acting like. . . .
Did you fuck him?
No.
Well, you dodged a bullet there.
Is every man alive a total asshole?
At some point or another. Then again, so are we.
Come on, we gotta go.
I still cannot get over the fact that you are Charlotte, Light and Dark.
You have to, because it's very irritating.
-Mr. Jones is still downstairs. -I know.
This silver has been in your father's family for three generations.
I don't believe l've ever used it.
I'm going to put an ad in the paper and see if l can sell them.
Mom, l found something you probably should have.
-Where did you find these? -In the office, among Dad's things.
Look at what a child l was.
Your father was leaving for Vietnam.
He'd volunteered as a medic.
Your grandfather was furious.
You don't remember your grandfather, do you?
No.
He was a very unhappy man. . .
. . .and he wanted everyone else to be unhappy too.
We were all living in this house.
You were a baby, and there was no privacy, so. . . .
Nathaniel and l got a room at a motel.
Some seedy place in the valley.
And we made love like maniacs.
Like it was the last time.
Your father took these pictures. . .
. . .in that dank little room.
Told me he kept them in his pocket in Vietnam to protect him.
It's frightening how much we change.
Are you staying for dinner, dear?
Yeah.
Mr. Jones. Probably should think about heading home.
You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow with the funeral and. . . .
Mr. Jones?
Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones?
Oh, shit.
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(ENGLISH)
Hi, Mom. And Paul and Patricia.
Well, l'm here.
It's not exactly the Holiday lnn, as you can see.
Mostly. . . . Mostly we're filling sandbags and cleaning vehicle filters.
In this war, it's important to keep the mechanisms clean. . .
. . .because of all the sand, which can be as much of a threat. . .
. . .as any missile that Saddam can send, Capt. Sommers says.
I can't say much, but pretty soon we're gonna get into the real action. . .
. . .and we're well-prepared, l'll tell you.
Guys, can you--? Do you mind? l'm sending this home to my folks.
I'll be done in a minute! Just-- I'm sorry.
What else?
We're protecting your ass, folks!
I love you, America. Thank you!
Bailey, come on, l'm just--
-You want to say hello to Victor's folks? -Hi, Mom!
Come on, you guys, damn it!
Sorry, Mom.
Some of these guys are kind of crazy. They're good soldiers.
I'm getting a lot of responsibility here.
I think it's been very beneficial, in terms of personal leadership skills...
...and getting a job. A lot more than had l stayed at home.
Well, l've got a lot to do before lights out, so until next time...
... this is Pvt. 1st Class Victor Kovitch signing off.
Hey, buddy, brought you the latest South Park.
Fuck, David.
Hey, sleepyhead.
You know, l had the weirdest dream.
-Really? -Yeah.
This guy comes into my house at, like, 4 a.m.
He climbs into my bed, but instead of having his way with me. . .
. . .he just passes out!
And all night long, he keeps jerking.
That is weird.
-And he talked in his sleep. -Yeah, what did he say?
It was completely unintelligible, but angry.
-There was even teeth-grinding. -Well, that explains the headaches.
I was thinking that exposure to formaldehyde gives me a brain tumor.
Would you like some caffeine with that tumor?
Okay.
-David, l can't. -Why not?
Because last night, l drove Mr. Senopolis' body to San Jose, then straight back.
I barely got four hours' sleep, and frankly. . .
. . .I'm tired of getting the shitty jobs you don't want.
-I'm half-owner of the business. -You can't legally do intake without me.
You're not a licensed funeral director.
-I'm getting my license next month. -If you pass the test.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
How am l supposed to study for that test on four hours' sleep?
Coffee and diet pills worked for me.
I can 't pick her up. I've got a deacon 's meeting...
-. . .and Rico's got Vanessa's ultrasound. -Shit.
Last time l picked somebody up at a nursing home. . .
. . .nobody told the roommate she was dead. I had to.
Just be thankful we've got the business.
Just thankful l'm not you.
What?
Oh, it's Mr. Senopolis, sorry.
Fuck, l smell like a dead guy!
No, you smell fine. Your life stinks, you complain all the time. . .
. . .and that's really dull.
-Didn't realize l was boring you. -Nate, you need to take a break.
Some major stress release that's not me. It's too much responsibility.
I thought you liked being an undertaker's girlfriend.
Is that what l am to you? Your girlfriend?
I like to think of you as my mistress.
Well, then, you better start buying me a lot more shit, mister.
God, l love you.
Okay.
I said it. Let's just move on.
Let's go to Two Bunch Palms this weekend.
-What? -Fuck it, yes.
I'm gonna take the weekend off, and David can bite me.
-This weekend? -Yeah, we'll sit in hot mud. . .
. . .we'll get massages, we'll eat like pigs, we'll drink a lot.
If we leave Friday night, we can be naked for two whole days.
-I got three clients this Saturday. -Well, postpone, cancel, lie.
Come on, we've never taken a trip together. We need to do this.
Two whole days?
-What if we drive each other crazy? -Well, we don't.
Hovering.
Claire, l've invited a friend of mine over for dinner tonight.
-Okay. -And l want you to be nice to him.
Is this the guy?
-The guy that. . .? -Yes.
Okay.
Thanks for your patience, everybody. I know we're running late.
By the way, l spoke to Father Clark this morning. He's holding up well.
He says you folks are the most thorough search committee. . .
. . .he has ever encountered.
David, l understand you're the last one to meet with him.
-This afternoon. -Good.
We've been interviewing associate priests for three months.
It'll be nice to have an open mind.
Clark struck me as a player, man of God, wants to listen, but there's ego there.
You didn't want Jack.
Connie, you say that so easily, and you know it's not true.
I've never seen you so desperate.
Listen, you folks have to represent the whole congregation.
And believe me, if Clark's not right. . .
-. . .I'm ready to start from the beginning. -Let's vote right now.
You know him, David. He's been a visiting rector. You've got his résumé.
All the deacons are here. You can vote now. I'll be happy to leave the room.
No, l want to meet with Father Clark myself. . .
. . .so l can make the most informed decision.
This how it works? You bring in the new-generation deacon. . .
. . .the new deacon brings in the radical priest you want?
I can assure you there's no agenda here, Mr. Kriegenthaler.
Except yours.
Don't worry, Dave. I had a parish in Ohio where punches got thrown.
Steelworkers. St. Bart's doesn't even come close.
Actually, David, your father was against Jack here.
And as l said at the time, your father was wrong.
Roll over.
Okay, okay.
There you go, there you go.
Shit! Fuck, Billy!
-Fuck you! -I've seen pictures on the lnternet, but--
The rule is, you call before you come over, okay?
Sorry, l was biking down the boardwalk. I didn't have my cell phone.
Good morning, Nate.
Bill.
I got some great shots of these hookers on Sunset l want to show you.
Real human tragedy shit. I think they're really good.
Well, your mom walked in on us once. . .
. . .so l guess we're even.
This chick has seen the fucking worst life has to offer.
-Jesus, Billy, these are incredible. -And what is that thing on her neck?
She's got, like, this big tumor, and she's still turning tricks.
And you just know there is some freak for whom that is a big turn-on.
I love the Bank of America in the background.
-Well, l have to go to work. -Bring out your dead!
They're great.
Don't forget, cancel those appointments on Saturday.
See you later.
So, what's Saturday?
We're going to California Cactus World out on Rosemead Boulevard.
I want to get something really weird to plant out back.
-Yo, Dave! -In here!
I'm sorry, there was an accident on the 405. Both cars totaled.
I should've handed out cards.
This is Paul Kovitch. His brother, Victor, just passed away.
-I'm sorry. -This is my brother, Nate.
Paul Kovitch, you went to Bonaventure High.
-Yeah. -I was there when you pinned that guy. . .
. . .and won the wrestling championship. You were the man!
Me and my friends were jealous because we knew you were getting laid.
-You wrestle? -No, played baseball, but we always lost.
-So, what are you doing now? -I run Kovitch Trucking up in Camarillo.
Why, so you know how expensive you can be?
-No-- -Paul and l were just going over. . .
. . .the options for his brother's funeral.
Okay, l run a business too. Let's just cut right to it.
-Of course. -I buried both my parents. . .
. . .and, no offense, but l hate you guys. I hate what you do.
The whole thing of "let's gather and look at this plastic. . .
. . .dead version of our loved one. " lt's really twisted.
I want Victor cremated. No coffin.
Put him in one of those cardboard boxes you charge 1 00 bucks for.
I'll take him up to where our mother's buried up in Tehachapi. . .
. . .and let his ashes blow away.
I see Victor's a veteran. If you like, we can research benefits he might be due.
No, Vic hated the Army. Me and him been fighting the Army for seven years.
His unit cleaned up a place called Bunker 73 in the lraqi desert.
Chemicals all over, Saddam's stuff we blew up.
As soon as he came back, he got sick.
Lung cancer at the age of 29, never smoked a day in his life.
Still, no one will say the words "Gulf War Syndrome. "
He just wasted away in and out of that hospital.
So fuck the Army. Let them keep their fucking money.
I gotta fly up to ldaho Falls to tell my stepfather.
He's got Alzheimer's. I don't know if he'll hear me or not.
You're absolutely sure you wouldn't like the opportunity. . .
-. . .to say goodbye to Victor before--? -I already said goodbye.
Just do it.
And as for a receptacle for his cremains. . .?
A paper sack ought to do just fine.
Nine hundred bucks.
Well, he obviously doesn't know about the Poseidon Society. . .
. . .or that's 900 we'd be out of.
That guy was the shit when l was in high school.
You know, l never knew he had a brother.
It's time you introduced yourself. He's at the VA Hospital.
First, l just gotta talk to you about something.
It's out of the question. I cannot spare you. We have three bodies right now.
Mr. Jacobsen's going into the ground tomorrow. . .
. . .and Vic Kovitch will be toast by the weekend.
What if we get another body? Or two? We cannot afford to turn down business.
-No, l'm sorry. -I don't need your permission.
Do you know how long it's been since l've had two days off?
See, here's the difference. You're willing to live like that, l'm not.
I've invited my friend Hiram Gunderson over to dinner tonight.
You're welcome to join us.
Wouldn't a restaurant be better? This is our home.
This is my home.
Oh, the camping guy. Okay. Can l bring Brenda?
Hiram will be cooking.
He spent 1 7 years as a top chef in Chicago.
The critic of the Sun-Times called him the "father of the new rustic cuisine. "
And then, he gave it all up to become a hairdresser.
And he has never been happier!
You're multiplying differing variables, so you have to simplify.
Okay, and then finally, oops, look at that.
Same variable, okay? Four and four gives us what?
Eight! And finally, these two binomials. . .
. . .right here, are exactly the same. . .
. . .so we what?
Combine!
Two X to the third, Y to the fourth.
Okay?
Any questions?
Claire Fisher.
What?
Can you explain this formula to the class?
Not really.
Maybe if you paid attention instead of reading.
Maybe if you talked about something that was gonna be useful to me, l would.
Oh, algebra is useless?
I know a lot of physicists who'd beg to differ.
Well, l don't want to be a physicist.
Algebra forces your mind to solve problems logically.
-It's one of the only perfect sciences-- -You think the world runs on logic?
-Come on, open your eyes. -I'll see you after class, Miss Fisher.
What are you doing?
All right, now let's try another one, and l'm gonna make this a little tougher.
Okay, X to the A power times Y to the B power.
Okay, now we've got two. . . .
Of course we have catalogs for wedding package. . .
. . .but you have to come in and look. I can't show you over the phone.
Website? What website? We don't have website.
Mister, you have to come into my shop and look at my work.
Website.
-The day just gets brighter. -Hush.
So who's dead now, and what do you need?
Nobody's dead. I came to return these vases.
You should recycle them, save a little money.
So thoughtful. I am touched.
Don't be silly. It's wasteful, that's all.
Here.
-You still have that sign in the window. -Yes, you know somebody good?
-I do. Me. -You?
I am interested. Let's talk. Robbie, l going to lunch.
I'm not going to lunch with you, Nikolai. I'm seeing someone.
-So what? This is business. -I hope so.
-Because otherwise, l withdraw my offer. -Tell me, why l should hire you?
I've been working with people for 30 years, and l treat them with respect.
I respect people too.
You're pompous and arrogant and you're full of yourself.
-You act like the customer needs you. -Of course the customer needs me.
-I have what he wants. -You'll never build a business that way.
I'm better with people and l know about flowers.
If you don't think so, you can fire me.
Fire you? How l can fire you? You don't even work yet.
My parish in New Mexico, l think they were afraid of me.
-They recommend you highly. -They always do after l'm gone.
I won't lie to you, David, l'll push for some change at St. Bart's.
This is one of those congregations that thinks sitting through church. . .
. . .absolves them of moral responsibility and they can ignore the plight of others.
Don't get me wrong, they're good people.
They're just lazy.
I don't think that's entirely fair, Clark. We have a homeless outreach. . . .
You know you're the swing vote.
I've been a deacon three weeks. I'm still getting used to how political this is.
Religion is politics, David.
Jesus was a revolutionary.
He threatened those in power, and they had him assassinated.
They'd do the same thing to him today.
I'm not sure how much luck you'll have getting St. Bart's to stage a coup.
The last thing that God wants from us is complacency.
-You should be in the Peace Corps. -Already done it.
Three years in Nicaragua, fresh out of divinity school.
That's where l lost my wife.
I'm sorry.
The hardest part about my work is the fact. . .
. . .that most people don't want a real relationship with God.
Sure, they'll pray to a man nailed to a cross. . .
. . .but they'll ignore the gay kid who gets strung up. . .
. . .or the black man who gets dragged behind a car. . .
. . .or someone's mother living in a box.
Were you this forthcoming with the other deacons?
Hardly.
What did you and Walter Kriegenthaler talk about?
Golf.
So why did you decide to be so honest with me?
Because l can tell that right and wrong actually matter to you.
Fuck.
This is medieval. We gotta get it fixed before somebody loses a finger.
You never cared until it was your finger.
-Rico, a little help? -Why should l?
You know, it's because of you l'm gonna work double shifts this weekend.
That's just David being dramatic.
We'd have to get at least two new bodies for that to be necessary.
They come in bigger numbers than that.
Just forget it. I know the score.
It's never gonna be Fisher & Sons & Diaz. I know that.
-Let's see what we got. -This one's a cremation.
-Nothing for you. -Oh, fuck, what is that?
Shouldn't just burn people like they're garbage.
What the--?
Look, it came with fries.
Look at this.
Doesn't even look like the same guy, does it?
This says he applied to be buried at the National Cemetery.
He signed requests for a flag fold, military escort.
Oh, man.
Then you can't burn him.
I can make him look like that again.
Well, almost.
You could ace algebra, Claire, and we both know it.
"Power rests on the kind of knowledge one holds. "
What's the use of knowing something useless?
-Don't quote Castaneda at me. -Why not? You quote Bob Dylan at me.
-You need algebra for college. -You're assuming l'm going to college.
You're taking the PSAT tomorrow. That means you're thinking about it.
Is that the only option? Go to college, get a job, be a good consumer. . .
. . .until you drop dead of exhaustion. I don't want that!
So, what do you want?
I just want something to matter.
Maybe l should wander around the desert and eat peyote and see God.
Yeah, be a homeless drug addict.
You'd get bored with that pretty fast.
Hey, have you heard of the Sierra Crossroads program?
What's that, like, bungee jumping for Jesus?
No, no, it's not affiliated with any religion. It's actually a great program.
I spent a couple of years there as an instructor.
-I think you might really like it. -Why?
Because it would get you out of yourself, get you out of your head.
Now, l'll warn you, it's hard but exhilarating.
It might give you the challenge you're looking for.
There's an expedition over spring break.
I could pull some strings, see if l could get you in.
-Why do you care what happens to me? -Because l like you.
And l want to see good things happen for you, and l know they can.
We had to dig his service records out of St. Louis.
Then there's the question of whether his cancer was service related.
That means finding a doctor who thinks it was.
It took me four months to get all the approvals. . .
. . .but it means a burial allowance of up to 1 500 from the VA.
Might as well take that stuff too. I packed it up for him.
That's too bad nobody told his brother what he wanted.
I did.
Oh, yeah. I gave Paul the forms. I found them later in the trash.
It's mostly somebody else's writing on the forms.
It doesn't match Victor's signature at all.
I filled them out for him.
He tried to do it himself, but those boxes are pretty small. . .
. . .and he shook a lot.
Gulf War Victory Parade?
Victor said marching in it was the proudest moment of his life.
Why would he keep it and watch it over and over if he hated the Army?
-Did Paul visit him much? -Yeah, three or four times a week.
He was really good about it.
-So how come he--? -He couldn't.
Paul would say, "The fucking Army stole your life, Vic. "
And Vic would keep his mouth shut.
I can tell you this.
Victor wanted to believe that what he did in the Gulf meant something. . .
. . .that his life was not a waste.
I only counsel. I'm not supposed to interfere with what the family wants.
So you taped his medals to him, fished his files out and passed them to me.
Well, you can always blow it off.
I mean, you didn't even know the guy, right?
What are you doing?
There was a form that said he's getting a military funeral.
-Who authorized this? Nate? -Yeah.
How many times have l told you. . .
. . .when Nate gives you instructions, check with me?
Turn him off.
I'll drive him to the crematorium right now.
Do l have to do it myself?
Fucking Nate. Paul Kovitch is who our contract is with. . .
. . .and if he finds out about this, he will either sue us or break our legs.
-Tomatoes right there. -Okay.
-Look who's here. -Hello, Mrs. Fisher.
Hello, dear.
-Hello, l'm Brenda. -Hiram Gunderson.
I understand you like to camp.
Why, yes, l do.
I wish l could tell you where Nate is, but l have no idea.
It's okay. I can exist without him.
-Toasted sesame seeds in the salad? -Yes, that would be lovely.
There's my little girl. Claire, honey, this is Hiram Gunderson.
Pleasure to meet you, Claire.
Hi.
This is delicious, Mrs. Fisher.
Hiram is a chef.
I can't get enough of his cock!
Mom, l need $1 200 so l can go to Sierra Crossroads over spring break.
And l need you to sign this form, like, in case l die or something.
Is this a school trip?
No, you go to the mountains and confront fear. . .
. . .and get in touch with your most basic self.
It looks good on your college application.
Sorry l'm late. There was an accident on the Long Beach Freeway.
You always seem to hit the bad traffic.
-Hi, l'm Nate. -Hiram, l've heard a lot about you.
Well, don't believe a word of it.
Hey, l'm sorry.
Don't be. I'm having fun.
-So, what did l miss? -I want to go to Sierra Crossroads.
We'll talk about it later, Claire.
Mom, you should let her go. Crossroads is great.
-You went? -Yeah.
We went kayaking down the Colorado River the summer l was, what, 1 7?
-I don't think you were even born yet. -I don't remember this.
That's because l lied to you and Dad.
Dad would never let me go, so l told you l was going to Sacramento. . .
. . .to witness state government in action.
Oh, by the way, everyone, l got a job.
-Cool. -I'll be working at Nikolai's flower shop.
I start tomorrow.
It's just part-time.
-You didn't tell me about that. -Didn't l?
Need some help?
Incidentally, l dropped Victor Kovitch off at the Oak Valley Crematory.
I need you to pick him up tomorrow.
Oh, fuck, David, he wanted a military funeral. He filled out the forms.
Is he paying our bill?
You were with his brother. It was clear he did not want the body embalmed.
He could sue us, and we wouldn't have a case.
Okay, you know what?
When you talk to me like this, it makes me want to not listen to you.
You and l could lose everything. Mom could lose her home.
Vic is eligible for a bigger allowance from the VA than we thought.
Really?
-I'm leaving. -I'll walk you down.
-Bye, David. -Bye.
Why don't you come over, spend the night?
I've gotta be in Pasadena tomorrow. It would add an extra hour to my trip.
Okay.
Give me five minutes. I'll follow you.
-Tonight wasn't so bad, was it? -I suppose not.
I don't know why l was so nervous.
I mean, for heaven's sake, l gave birth to those people.
You know what occurred to me tonight that's really strange?
I wish you'd known my husband.
I think the two of you would've liked each other.
Oh, Ruth.
Who would get me a gift basket?
It's probably some Hollywood bigwig that secretly wants to sleep with you.
It's from my brother, and it is addressed to both of us.
"Sorry about this morning. Have fun at Cactus World. "
Who knows.
This is nice. We can take it with us this weekend.
I cannot wait to get out of here. I'm in dire need of some serious relaxation.
-Oh, fabulous. -Smoked oysters.
Really, is there any caviar?
No, but there are condoms.
-And, okay, edible underpants. -That's a little scary.
-I'd say this whole thing's a little scary. -No, it just means he likes you.
Believe me, there are guys Billy didn't like. It's much better this way.
I've been meaning to ask you.
What's up with those matching tattoos you and he have?
We were in Vegas, we were very drunk, and--
Oh, dear.
These things always struck me as kind of ridiculous.
Would you just stop that?
What does he think we're gonna do with this? This is, like, hostile.
Look, Billy's bipolar. He's medicated.
His sense of what's appropriate can be a little off at times.
Look, you have no idea what he's been through.
Don't judge him, please.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
You're never gonna get out of this one.
I was nowhere near the latrine, sir. I promise.
-Give it up, private. Your ass is busted. -Yeah, you're in big trouble.
But my father's on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Well, maybe we can 't court-martial you, but there is something else we can do.
Yeah, come on, private, yeah.
You love that, don 't you?
-Hello? -David, Walter Kriegenthaler.
-Did you meet with Father Clark? -Yes, today.
We'd like to meet at 9:30 tomorrow and vote.
-Can you make it? -Absolutely.
Let me ask you a question, David.
Do you think Clark is gay?
I don't think so. He mentioned something about having a deceased wife.
I mean, l don 't care if he is. Ijust don 't want him to push that agenda.
You know, marriage, that whole thing.
I have a cousin in D.C. whose church split because of that.
Literally half the congregation left.
I don 't want that to happen to St. Bart's. I've been going there for 40 years.
Well, it's late, l'll see you tomorrow morning. Good night.
Okay, l got Victor, but l called the National Cemetery from the car. . .
. . .and you know what? They can bury an urn.
They call it "inurnment. " We can do it today at 3.
Why are you so determined to sabotage our business?
I don't think Paul knew how his brother really felt.
-Nate, why do you even care? -Because it's what Victor wanted.
And he deserves it. He got a raw fucking deal.
Victor Kovitch did not hate the Army. Watch these tapes he made in the Gulf.
Yes, sir, fuck me, sergeant.
-Fuck, yeah. Give it to me. -Come on, private.
Oh, come on! Come on, that was funny!
I have someplace l have to be.
Dave, Dave, it's okay! l watch porn too!
So you guys taking the PSAT this afternoon too?
Yeah.
So, what happens to you guys?
I go to UC lrvine and Northwestern Law. . .
. . .meet a totally great guy, he's a triathlete. . .
. . .we get married and l practice law for eight years. . .
. . .and we get really rich, and then l have two great kids.
-So you're, like, unbelievably happy? -Kind of.
I get a master's in French and then live in Paris for 6 months. . .
. . .and hate it, so l come back, become a TV development executive. . .
. . .and l work out all the time.
I'm fairly miserable and have a slight substance-abuse problem.
-But you look great. -Thanks.
I start an interior-lighting design firm with my college roommate. . .
. . .and it totally takes off. . .
. . .and then l die of ovarian cancer before l'm 30.
-Oh, that sucks. -Tell me about it.
Well, good luck.
What a freak.
-Father Jack? -David. Come in, sit.
And call me "Jack. " We're beyond that.
-Meeting over already? -Yes.
-Damn. -We all admire Clark's energy. . .
. . .but there is some concern that he may end up being divisive.
As you said yourself, if we have to start over from the beginning--
And find some conservative lap dog, who won't challenge anybody?
Yeah, that's what we need here.
Scotch?
No, thank you.
-Clark thought he came on too strong. -I liked him, Jack.
The world would be better if there were more like him.
I just don't think that he's a good fit for St. Bart's.
Do you really think that Father Clark would be happy here?
Why should he be happy? How happy are you?
You're right, l'm not happy.
My life is very complicated and confusing.
I've experienced a lot of loss recently, my father and my--
And the thing that helps me deal with it is having a place. . .
. . .that hasn't changed like everything else in my life.
There's a reason they call it a sanctuary.
I think the majority of our congregation feels the same way. . .
. . .and my responsibility is to them, not you.
Well, l've got a business to run.
Yo.
Speaking.
Yes.
What can l do for you, Mr. Gilardi?
-Here, this is good choice here. -I don't like yellow.
The bridesmaids' dresses are lilac.
If the flowers are yellow, it's gonna look like an Easter egg hunt.
How about white tulips? Very simple.
Just bunched together with a ribbon.
I was kind of thinking l would be the only one with white flowers.
Or you could be the only one holding a gorgeous bouquet of color. . .
-. . .against your white dress. -People do that?
It's your day. You can do whatever you want.
Don't you think that would be pretty?
-I love the tulips thing. -Tulips are one of my favorite flowers.
So graceful and classic, like little ballerinas.
Only reason l even met Victor was l jumped off a humvee and broke my feet.
Here l am in the hospital with this guy who's dying, listening to me complain.
Playing cards, giving me his dessert.
I wish he didn't die. It sucks.
Thank you.
Have you heard from Paul yet?
Not since l told him his brother was ready to be picked up.
Well, without his consent in writing, l cannot allow this funeral to take place.
Fine.
At least we'll know we made an effort.
When we were in the Gulf. . .
. . .Victor used to make these videotapes to send home to his family.
We were always giving him a hard time. . .
. . .messing him up. He was a real good sport.
The perpetual optimist.
-So my brother ready? -Yes, he's right in here.
-What is this? -Victor's friends wanted to say goodbye.
The hospital referred them. It's no problem for us.
And no charge to you.
-Excuse me, are you his brother? -Yes, l'm Paul.
This man here, l don't know if you people know it. . .
. . .was like a lion for Victor.
He made federal waves over Victor's disability case.
I found a couple pictures of us playing baseball.
Vic was a lousy batter but a pretty good infielder.
He's grinning like such a fool in these.
I thought you might like them.
-Is that you? -Yeah.
-You sick? -No.
Never got sick. I don't know why.
A lot of guys l knew over there did.
Thanks.
Thank you for letting Victor have his military burial.
Even though l know you were against it.
I'm sure this means a lot to him.
What the fuck is this military burial shit?
It's an option that can easily be canceled at no charge to you.
Vic didn't want a military funeral. You think l'm lying?
I think he was afraid to tell you what he wanted.
He filled out those forms, he kept the videos.
They filled out those forms. This is all fucking Army PR.
-I threw those forms in the trash. -I'll call the service off.
He kept Saudi Arabian candy for 1 0 years.
-You just want to jack up your price. -No, it's paid for.
I want your brother to have the funeral he wanted for himself. . .
. . .because that's his right.
Victor wanted to believe he died for something. You wanna take that away?
Jesus.
He's the only family l had left.
And he can't even tell me what he wants when he's dead?
He thought l would've talked him out of this.
And he's right, l would've.
Why don't you sit with his friends.
Glad to have you here, man.
-Where is Ruth? -She's in the back.
Crying.
What is wrong?
It's the smell of the flowers.
-You'll get used to it. -I am used to it!
Today, l helped people choose flowers for weddings. . .
. . .for anniversaries, for new babies.
I can't remember being surrounded by so much happiness.
I'm used to the smell of flowers meaning something completely different.
I'm used to people crying and being exhausted.
People being shattered!
Do not worry. We get funerals too.
I'm so happy. I can't wait to come back tomorrow.
You're not going to be like this every day, though, right?
This flag is presented on behalf of a grateful nation as a token. . .
. . .of our appreciation for honorable and faithful services. . .
. . .rendered by your loved one.
Give it to one of his friends.
I love you, David.
I always will.
I could get hit by a bus on the way to the desert tonight.
Just wanted to make sure you knew that.
I love you too.
-You did the right thing today. -I know. Feels kind of good, doesn't it?
-Hello. -She can't go.
Why not?
She has to help me pick prints.
-Does she have to do it tonight? -Yes, she does.
Billy's got a show coming up at a gallery in Westwood.
Sometimes she gives me her eyes because sometimes l go blind.
Forty-six hours l've been looking at these pictures. . .
. . .and sometimes l see amazing things. . .
. . .and sometimes l just see shapes, and that's when l go blind.
Because what if l lost the ability to tell the difference?
For real.
-For good. -You won't.
You say that and give me your eyes.
But what if one day, l can't give them back to you?
Well, that won't happen. We won't let that happen.
God, this is crap!
This is pretentious, derivative crap!
Well, then that's one less you have to consider. Right?
Right.
Billy, l'm gonna talk to Nate on the porch, okay?
All right. Then he's gonna go away.
We'll be right outside.
Pick out five you like. . .
. . .and show me when l come back.
-Only five? -Or 1 0 or 20.
And l'll look at them, and l'll tell you what l see.
Okay.
You can fuck her some other time.
Sorry. He's obviously off his meds.
-Intentionally? -No, it happens occasionally.
It's been a while.
-Brenda, come on. -Sorry, Nate, l can't.
I'm all he has when he's like this.
-You are letting him manipulate you. -You don't know him.
-You don't know what he's doing. -I know he doesn't like me.
I have a feeling he doesn't like any man in your life. Am l right?
-Answer me! -What, you think l fucked my brother?
-Jesus, l never said that! -Nate, he's sick!
He's my brother, and he's sick and he needs me!
This is who l am, this is what you get.
Fuck you.
You have no idea how much l wanted to go with you.
-Can l do anything to help? -Yeah.
You can go to the desert and sit in mud and relax and forget about everything. . .
. . .including us.
Oh, shit.
Just go, okay? Goddamn it.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
(ENGLISH)
-I am such a fucking idiot! -No.
-I should've dumped him years ago. -Oh, yeah.
-I feel 20 pounds lighter. -More like 1 80 pounds.
-What do you think he's doing tonight? -Oh, he's fucking his little grad student.
Thinking he's king of the world.
God, l wish l knew who invented Viagra. So l could shoot him.
-I'll drink to that. -Hear, hear.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit, it fell down my shirt! Hold this, hold this, l have an idea.
Wait. Driver. Hey, driver.
Take us to Miyagi's, okay? Because l feel like dancing.
Look what l found.
Oh, promise me, no dancing on the tables tonight.
You just open this.
Hold it. Hold it.
-Come on. -Come back down, honey.
-Come on. -I'm king of the world!
I'm king of the world. I'm king of the world!
This is how you study for the funeral director's license?
You must really like wearing a suit.
There's always a chance we might get a walk-in.
There's always a chance we might get abducted by aliens.
What's the longest we've ever gone without a body?
I remember Dad saying something like nine days during the '84 Olympics.
"The great drought of '84. "
Dad used to do Walter Brennan: "Come on, little Luke. . .
. . .Iet's stitch this dead guy up because Ma's made a mess of catfish. . .
. . .and l'm powerful hungry. "
Okay, well, thank you for making me feel like an idiot.
No, l just-- You knew a whole side of Dad l never did.
Nine days, huh? We just might beat that.
"When a family places money in a funeral trust for a pre-need. . .
. . .how much money can the funeral home use for other purposes. . .
. . .until the family requires your services?"
Fifty percent.
-Twenty-five percent? -Zero, none.
I knew that.
-Hello? -Hey, it's me.
It's about time. I've been calling you for six days straight.
Yeah, l've been lncredibly busy. Lots of new clients, sorry.
-How's Billy? -Better.
It only happens once a year, you know? Twice at the most.
-So when can l see you? -I don 't know. Tuesday?
-Is he staying with you? -Yeah, just for a few more days.
Listen, l gotta go. I'll call you, okay? l promise.
We think we're weird, being undertakers' kids?
Be thankful our parents weren't shrinks.
"How many days does a family have to cancel a contract for services?"
I get sick of this bizarre behavior l'm supposed to figure out.
-She's pissed when l can't. It's neurotic! -Would you concentrate on this, please?
You need to get your license so you can handle your share of things.
-"How many days--?" -Three days.
It's not exactly the California bar, David. Come on. Make me earn it.
"When a funeral home advertises their services. . .
. . .which two pieces of information are legally required on all advertisements?"
I'd start with some heavy-duty armature material and plaster of Paris.
Mastic compound for her face, tissue builder and wax for her features.
I'd finish her off with a good sealer. She'll leak like a garden hose.
A little airbrushing and a high-quality foundation and she's good to go.
-How much time would you need? -At least a day to do it right.
-The Fishers can spare you for a full day? -I'm not auditioning for you.
This is a one-time freelance job and l use my own materials.
Kroehner's texturizers, they blow.
-How much? -1 500.
Okay.
For someone with your talent, that's a bargain.
Stop blowing smoke up my ass. I'm not quitting the Fishers.
-Mr. F. put me through school. -Have her done by 5.
And she'd better look flawless.
Don't think about how steep it is. You've got eight more miles.
Come on, keep it moving.
Carlos Castaneda wrote:
"A warrior takes his lot, whatever it may be.
And accepts it in ultimate humbleness. "
Yeah, well. . . .
Carlos Castaneda can blow me.
Tell me about it. Where's the "spiritual transcendence" part from the brochure?
This is like fucking boot camp.
Have l--? Have l thanked you for getting me high this morning?
Like 1 2 times.
-Just making sure. -Claire, Topher!
You're straggling. You know the rules. The group stays together.
-Period. -Jawohl, mein Kommandant.
I got a new way to make money. We rent out the slumber room for meetings.
-Twelve-step groups, that sort of thing. -Are you insane?
Drunks and drug addicts inside our home?
-The insurance issues alone-- -Then how about senior dance lessons?
Twice a week at 50 bucks a pop. That's $5200 a year.
-That's six months' property tax. -What if we've got a viewing?
They work around our schedule. Old people have nothing else to do.
They dance here, have fun. Who gets a call when they drop?
-That's not a bad idea. -Good. They're coming here at 2.
No more comments about me not pulling my weight for a while, okay?
Is this a new company policy, casual Fridays?
-Nice of you to drop by, it's noon. -I stayed after 9 last night. . .
. . .restocking and sterilizing. You mean, you didn't check?
If it's all right with you guys, l need the day off.
-Vanessa's got an ultrasound. -She just had one last week.
They just want to do another one.
I think l should be there with her, don't you?
-Of course, you could've called. -I left my jacket in the prep room.
It's got my wallet, my insurance card, all that stuff. Thanks, guys.
Great, once again l'm the asshole and you're the cool guy.
You tell him tomorrow he's cleaning out the body fridge.
I want it scrubbed, hosed and disinfected.
-You tell him. -It's Fisher & Sons.
-Sometimes you have to be the bad cop. -Well, you're so good at it.
Rico!
Nate, please. Don't do that.
I got a lot on my mind with the ultrasound, you know?
-David wants you to clean out the-- -The walk-in, l know.
Your brother's got a bug up his ass about cleanliness.
I know. When we used to play G.I. Joes, he always wanted to give his a shower.
Yeah, well. I'm running late.
Where's your jacket?
Oh, shit! l must've left it at home.
Told you, man, l got a lot on my mind from the ultrasound.
-See you. -See you.
Now begins the vision quest part of our journey.
Oh, great, now we get to starve and sweat ourselves. . .
-. . .into a hallucinogenic state of ecstasy. -Gonna get harder in the next few days.
You all know how tough physically.
Now the mental challenges begin.
Okay, starting now, you guys lead. I just follow.
So l hope, for my sake, you've all perfected your map and compass skills.
-Parker. -Oh, God. Not Parker.
Which way do we go?
-That way. -What are you waiting for? You lead.
Fucking Girl Scout.
-Good call, Parker. -So who do you think plays Parker. . .
. . .in the movie of her life? Sandy Bullock or Julia Roberts?
Oh, please, she'd never rate that high.
She'd get like one of those Buffy or Dawson 's Creek chicks, tops.
-What is that? -This?
Khinkali.
It's like dumpling with spicy meat inside.
I cannot believe you never hear of khinkali.
You know, you need to go out from the house more.
I get out. I took a very enjoyable trip to San Bernardino just a few weeks ago.
You should come to my neighborhood. All Russian. You would love it.
People with passion, full of life. Not like your family.
-What do you mean? -Russians speak from here.
From the heart, with their souls. Not like Fisher, from here, like a little mouse. . . .
Not like that.
If it's so wonderful in Russia, you should take the first flight back.
In Russia, l was engineer.
-Knock-knock. -Hiram.
Tried my hand at Jamaican chicken. Turned out good.
-Thought you might like some for lunch. -That's so thoughtful. Thank you.
-Hiram, this is my boss, Nikolai. -Hi.
-She has a lunch. -Here, try some.
-Please. -You burned it.
-Nikolai! -Ruth is busy.
-I'm on my lunch break. -Lunch is over. Now we work.
Sorry l got you in trouble with your boss.
Don't you worry, l can handle him.
Everybody ready and allemande left.
Right and left grand.
Good, good. Swing your partners.
And promenade home. Very good.
-Hey, Vanessa, is Rico there? -No, should l page him?
It's nothing important. I wanted to run something by him.
-Okay. -Did you have your ultrasound already?
Yeah, last week.
You're not having one today?
Oh, yeah, yeah, but not till this afternoon.
I'm sorry, Nate, the UPS guy's at the door, l gotta go.
And l'll tell Rico you called, okay?
-Shit! -Shit.
Hey! Don't say that, papito. That's a grown-up word.
Very good, very good, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, if l could have your attention for just one second.
I wanna teach you a new figure. You're gonna love it.
Your friends are gonna be very impressed. I promise.
It's called the Hungarian Swing. And l need a volunteer.
So if l could just borrow you for one second.
I promise it won't hurt a bit. It goes like this.
You're gonna stand right hip to right hip.
Your other hand is gonna go on your partner's waist.
Your left hand is gonna go up over the head.
Now you're gonna swing one and a half times.
She will turn one and a half times. . .
. . .into the promenade position. That wasn't so bad, was it?
Let's do it again with the music, okay? Not so fast.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, with the music. Here we go.
Okay. And two, three, four.
Kiss him.
Interesting technique, where'd you train?
Cypress College, interned at Fisher & Sons.
Oh, so you're the guy from Fisher. You got out of there just in time.
-Kroehner's gonna bury them. -I don't think so.
Somebody burned down the funeral home Kroehner was building across the street.
Somebody? You ever heard of "Jewish lightning"?
Oh, sorry, did l offend you? l'm Jewish, l can say that.
Kroehner burned down their own building for the insurance money?
Trust me, it's not over. It's, like, Matt Gilardi's personal vendetta.
Fisher is history.
Take care now, get home safe.
Aren't they a trip? l love them. Old people still know how to boogie.
-Yeah. More than me. -Oh, l can change that.
-I'm Kurt, by the way. -How'd it go?
-Terrific. -Great.
-So l guess you'll be coming back. -I hope so.
-This really was a great idea, Nate. -So it seems, Dave.
So, Dave. You free tomorrow night?
Yes. We're in the middle of a dry spell. He's got nothing but time.
How's about 8?
-8, for dinner? ls-- Is okay. -Great, l'll pick you up.
See you tomorrow.
-You just pimped me out to that kid. -That kid wants to jump your bones.
Oh, come on, David. I watch Will and Grace, l have gaydar.
Okay, don't say "gaydar. "
I sure wish we could light up thatjoint.
Yeah, Dennis is watching us like a hawk.
Now that we've officially established ourselves as the antisocial losers.
We'll just-- We'll just sneak off after we set up camp.
While the rest of the bush youth groom each other for lice.
Hi, Claire.
Hi.
You--? You two are friends?
We go to the same school. We're not exactly friends.
We're not exactly enemies, either. We have classes together.
One. Shouldn't you be leading us?
Now the guy with braces is doing it. You know, everyone gets a turn.
I thought we were gonna do daredevil shit.
-We're just following a fucking map. -I know, this is fucking adolescent.
-Do you guys have some pot? -Maybe.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
What'd you use for the cheekbones?
Elmer's glue, dental floss, and modeling clay.
I should've had your work videotaped. These lesser lights could learn from you.
I have a lot to learn myself.
-Any interest in consulting? -My plate is full.
-How about something more permanent? -What's gonna happen to Fisher & Sons?
What do you care, is your name Fisher?
Within eight months, l can offer you your own home.
There's a position opening up in San Diego early next year.
-I'll think about it. -Sure, take some time.
Talk it over with your wife. Oh, and by the way?
This offer lasts 48 hours.
Brenda.
Bren.
Hello?
Billy?
Fuck!
-Crickey. -Who the fuck are you?
Name's Connor. Connor Thompson. You gotta be Nate.
Oh, yeah, Brenda's given me the John Dory on you.
-Never told me you were this territorial. -What's with the broken glass?
One too many largies last night.
-Do you mind putting something on? -Don't worry. I don't fancy blokes.
Nice pants, though.
-Is Brenda here? -Doesn't look like it.
-Well, do you know where she is? -Nope.
Oh, l'm not rooting her, if that's what you think.
No, she made it quite clear that wasn't an option.
Her heart's got your name on it now.
No, that would be her ass.
You're thinking l'm pretty suss, aren't you?
Hey.
Any you guys seen Topher?
I bet you can't wait to get back to Stepford.
What a freak.
Take it you two have met.
These took forever to dry.
Hey, you.
Apparently you were mad at me because l went to the desert without you.
-No. -What's with Crocodile Dundee, then?
-Why the fuck are you doing his laundry? -Oh, this is really unattractive behavior.
Sorry, l guess l'm just a little weirded out. . .
. . .that l keep running into naked guys at your house.
They're still warm. Thanks, Lollies.
Connor is a very old friend from a totally previous life.
He hasn't been in L.A. for 1 0 years. Don't freak!
I am not freaking.
Just exactly where does nature boy sleep?
Why didn't you tell me about him?
Because l knew that you would react like this.
I am touched that you're jealous. Now get over it.
Because you have no reason to be. I promise.
-If l was fucking him, l'd tell you. -Oh, Jesus, that's comforting, thank you.
Come to dinner tomorrow. Connor's cooking some Australian thing.
-And Billy's coming over. -Oh, Billy's coming over.
I thought he was staying with you. You've been fucking lying to me!
I have spent the last six days worried sick about you.
-And you've been partying your ass off! -Okay! l--
I fucked up.
Okay?
I've been under a little pressure lately. With my brother. . .
. . .having a nervous breakdown and everything, l was. . .
. . .just trying to simplify things.
Don't blow this out of proportion, please, Nate.
Okay.
What time tomorrow night?
Topher?
-You fucking asshole! -Jesus.
Oh, fuck. Shit, l'm sorry. I'm--
-Fuck me! Fuck. -Oh, shit!
Look, look. If she tells anybody, no one will believe her.
Everybody thinks she's, like, crazy.
The sexual habits of the koala are quite mysterious...
...because of their complicated reproductive systems.
The male koala 's penis is forked like a snake's tongue.
The female has two vaginas which share a common opening.
-What you watching? -PBS, very funny.
What's up?
Well, l just thought you should know. I called Vanessa.
And there's no ultrasound today.
And l also think Rico took a couple bottles of stuff from the prep room.
Shit! Fucking Kroehner.
I'll call around, see what l can find out. Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?
I was going to, but l got distracted by you and the square-dance guy.
It's not like Rico has an exclusive contract with us or anything.
-So he's moonlighting. -Moonlighting's when you take a job. . .
. . .when your first job is over. He takes a job for Gilardi. . .
-. . .while with us. It's treason. -Stop being such a drama queen.
Stop acting like you're honorary mayor of West Hollywood all of a sudden.
He lied to our faces.
Yeah, he did.
Hey, Claire.
Hey. Look, l'm sorry about last night.
-I thought you and Topher-- -It's okay.
-Whatever, it's none of my business. -No, it's okay, l just, l don't know.
I hope you won't just write me off now.
I mean, maybe it'll even, like, break the ice.
Yeah.
I just kind of, you know, think you're funny and cool.
And well, sometimes l feel boring and lame around you.
And l think it's because, l don't know, l kind of want to be your friend.
-Why? -Why not?
Okay, but this is totally weird.
How's Vanessa?
She's great. Yeah. The baby's strong as a bouncer.
How's Chloe Yorkin?
Some of your more ardent fans in prep rooms around L.A. . .
. . .are calling this one your Sistine Chapel.
Look. I told Gilardi it was a one-time thing.
I mean, come on, guys, you gotta understand. It wasn't for the money.
I mean, her head was like a. . .
. . .Iike a watermelon somebody hit with a sledgehammer.
I mean, a case like that doesn't come along every day.
What did he offer you to leave?
What are you offering me to stay?
What? You guys thought l would stay out of loyalty?
Unlike you two, l have a wife and kids to think about.
What do you want?
-I want to be a partner. -That would require a significant. . .
. . .financial investment on your part.
That's what partners are.
Rico, let David and me talk.
Don't do anything until we have a chance to counter, okay?
Okay.
We can work out some profit-sharing plan.
He's finally figured out he's worth more than we can pay him. We're fucked.
Okay, today, we're gonna climb about 3000 feet. . .
. . .to a shelter close to the summit. Now we have to move fast.
-When it gets dark, it gets cold. -Why did you sleep with him?
I don't know. Just to see if l could.
So who hasn't been leader yet?
-I haven't. -Me, neither.
Claire.
-What? -Which way do we go?
I don't know, l really don't care.
-Somebody else pick. -Come on.
-Want to consult your map and compass? -No, l think l lost my compass anyway.
Then borrow one from someone else.
Look, just pick someone else, okay? Please.
Okay, that way. I think we should go that way. It's obviously the path.
Okay, maybe someone else would like to--
Hey, Claire paid her 1 200 bucks too. Doesn't she get a turn?
Don't pull me into your shit, okay?
Okay, look.
All right, let's all take out our maps and our compasses--
It's Claire's turn, Dennis.
I think we should follow Claire. And she said we should go this way.
Okay. This way it is.
-Thanks a lot. -What?
Now this trip is finally starting to be fun.
I prefer busy to quiet.
Some people, they like nothing to do. Me, it drives me crazy.
Besides, no customer, no money.
When l walking by this restaurant every day while l going home.
It's Ethiopian restaurant. No customer.
Every night, night after night, no customer.
How they can make a living? l don't know. I don't understand this.
I thought Ethiopian people don't have no food.
Maybe that. . . .
I boring you?
-Heavens, no. -Good. Watch you don't cut your finger.
Did you really put a foot in Gabe Dimas' locker?
-Yeah. -Oh, my God.
That is like the greatest thing ever. If anyone ever deserved it.
-Did you have sex with him? -Oh, yeah.
-Did you suck his toes? -Yes.
I'm gonna have to ask the two of you to turn around.
-What? -I'll accompany you to the last camp.
A jeep will take you back to base parking.
You're kicking us out? You can't do that.
Yes, we can. It's all in the contract that you and your adult guardian signed.
Anyone who witnesses a group leader having sex with a student. . .
-. . .can be thrown out? l doubt it. -You purposely led us off. . .
. . .the predetermined course, endangering everyone's safety.
And l'd be willing to bet there's drugs in your pack.
You can't go through my stuff. You need a search warrant.
Okay? Now, look, we can do this the easy way. . .
. . .or we can get cops involved. What do you want?
-You are such a total loser. -This is not a game, you little bitch!
-You are fucking with people's lives. -Those people. . .
. . .are completely innocent bystanders. Hello!
-David Fisher. -The adult guardian of Claire Fisher?
-Yes, that is correct. -I'm with Sierra Crossroads.
Your daughter was discovered with marijuana. She's leaving the expedition.
Transportation 's on its way to take her to her car. She should be in L.A. tonight...
...instead of Sunday as planned. Any questions?
No. Thank you for calling.
Your dad sounds like a real tight-ass.
Castaneda, huh?
-People still read that? -Look, don't even, okay?
All need for us to interact has been removed.
-Listen, how well do you know Parker? -Hardly at all.
I'd really hate it if she's one of those people who would. . .
. . .create a huge stink and ruin my life just for the entertainment value of it.
-Sorry, l don't really know her. -God, l hate pissing outdoors!
Parker, don't light that.
So who's in charge while you're here babysitting us?
-Topher. -What?
He hates this whole Sierra Crossroads bullshit.
What, are you kidding? He's been doing it since he was 1 4 years old.
-You're full of shit. -It's one of the things. . .
. . .that helped him get accepted to Stanford.
-Topher is going to Stanford? -Prelaw.
This whole experience just gets more and more irritating.
Here's your ride.
Ten minutes.
Damn, she looks good. You took Polaroids, right?
Polaroids? l borrowed Jacob's digital camera.
You blended the filler material just perfect.
Honey, she really is your Sistine Chapel.
-You think? -Baby, you know.
-Too bad you gotta bury her. -Yeah.
-She looks beautiful, doesn't she? -Never better.
You should've seen her yesterday.
-You're gonna take the offer. -I haven't decided.
No, l said, you're gonna take the offer.
-Where would l be without the Fishers? -In a house, not some lousy apartment.
They treat you like a migrant worker.
-They'll never make me a partner. -Not ever.
$1 500 a restoration.
Tuition at SC's highway robbery, so calling helps pay for books and beer.
It's either that or become a beeper boy. I'm not quite ready to go there.
So, what's with the lnternational Male shirt?
This? Oh, l--
-I borrowed it from my sister. -It looks good.
I bet it looks even better off.
So you were talking about square dance calling.
It's my grandparents' group.
They practically raised me after my parents kicked me out.
Kicked you out?
-When they found out about you? -When my father walked in on me. . .
. . .and my high-school boyfriend fucking on the desk in his study.
It was awful. My mother had a complete breakdown.
My parents eventually split. It was a total movie for Lifetime.
What about you? What'd your parents do?
When l came out?
My dad was okay with it. My mom's still a little uncomfortable.
It baffles me that anyone even gives a shit, you know?
Here you go. Here you go. Enjoy.
-You have a boyfriend? -No.
-Why not? -I'm not sure.
You ever have one?
-Yeah, you? -Yeah, several.
You've got the longest eyelashes l've ever seen.
I've always liked older guys.
-I'm the older guy. -Guys my age are idiots.
They're fun to fuck, but it usually ends there.
And l hate the way they treat older men. Tired old queen, fossil, troll.
As if we're not gonna end up there ourselves one day.
I'm getting my master's in social work. . .
. . .with a concentration on services for seniors, so it's a pet peeve of mine.
-Are you a top or a bottom? -What?
Oh, l'm versatile.
Bottom, good, this will work out well. You want to get out of here?
Yeah.
So the bastard carked it. I lost my investment, my bike. . .
-. . .fucking everything. -Connor, this always happens to you.
Oh, well. I guess l can always go back on the banana roll?
Do you remember, what was that, that thing in Texas?
-You lost your bike in Texas! -Oh, not that fucking woman.
Yes, it was like '95 or something. What was that?
Well, l thought l was gonna get a root.
Hey, Nate.
Listen. I'm sorry about last week.
I go off the meds now and then just to feel alive.
I'm sure you must have thought l was a total psycho.
It crossed my mind.
Well, l'm not.
I don't want to come between you and my sister.
She's happy with you.
Happier than l've seen her in a long time and l mean that.
That is so tragic.
So, what's the story? Just another spunk to add to your collection?
So, what's there left for me to do? Become an air hostess?
I think you should get a TV show where you wrestle things, right?
-But not animals. Things. -What kind of things?
Like household objects. Like refrigerators.
And here's the title of it, right, A Sandwich Short of a Picnic.
That's the fucking way l like it too.
Yeah, hey, caller, what's your John Dory?
What fucking language are you speaking?
Nate, buddy. Chill.
This car is, like, total Graceland on wheels.
Total love nest. Have you ever fucked in here?
Once.
I know this record exec, a friend of my dad's.
He's got like this total make-out van from the '70s.
He thinks it's so cool and it's just not.
How do you think Dennis knew l had pot?
So your dad died, huh? What was that like?
I don't know. It doesn't seem real.
-I never knew anybody that died. -I grew up in a funeral home, so. . .
-. . .I was always around it. -Okay, was that, like, completely weird?
Yes.
My dad's a big shot at Disney.
Really, why don't you go to private school?
He divorced my mom a long time ago. He likes his new family better.
He won't give my mom alimony, because he caught her having sex. . .
-. . .with, like, this retarded guy. -Fuck.
I'm kidding. My mom gets killer alimony.
I just keep getting kicked out of private schools.
I thought you were, like, this total overachiever. Like, little Miss Perfect.
Good. That's what l want people to think.
When in reality you're, like, this compulsive liar, danger slut.
I thought you were, like, this Goth arty freak girl. . .
-. . .who was, like, tragic and suicidal. -Oh, my God, that is so not who l am.
Nobody is ever who they seem to be.
Nobody interesting.
You told me two lesbians took a bath in my bathtub.
I don't get this show.
-It's a game show. -I know that.
I just don't understand why people like it.
My friend Amelia says it's her favorite show.
It's a great show. My son likes Once Upon a Hamster.
When l was his age, l was crazy for Mad Magazine.
Ernie Kovacs, the Marx brothers.
Anybody that took potshots at sacred cows. I mean, anybody.
Yeah, l loved all that stuff.
Irreverence was my drug of choice.
Still is, l guess.
Nate, mate.
I'm really glad you and Lollies hooked up.
I mean, personally l couldn't handle her playing Freud all the fucking time.
I don't give a fuck why l am the way l am.
Well, she is a complicated woman.
No, she's not.
I found this in a shoebox and made you a copy.
Oh, that's killer, Billy. Oh, it's a great shot, mate.
Oh, look at you in your sluggos.
Poor yabbie wouldn't know if his ass was on fire.
Useless as the bottom half of a mermaid.
Put some sunnies on your stale bottle of piss.
Let's have a bobbley, you daggy deadshit.
Crock a bingle, you googlie.
Drongo.
-When was that taken? -Two summers ago. In Perth.
I thought you said you hadn't seen him in a decade.
No, l said Connor hasn't been to L.A. in a decade.
Where do you sleep, mate?
Because that sleeping bag hasn't moved an inch in days!
-They sleep in the same bed, where else? -Don't crack a fit, Nate, mate.
-I mean, she's totally wrapped up in you. -Oh, you just shut the fuck up, cowboy!
Okay, l didn't tell you, because l knew you would react just like this.
Well, how else am l supposed to react?
I'm supposed to make an old friend sleep on the floor to protect your macho pride?
-You have a shiatsu mat! -Come on, man.
Haven't you ever slept with a woman and not had sex with her?
-No! -Outside, get some air.
"Go outside, get some air. " Fuck you!
I'm leaving!
Have fun with your Aussie fuck mate, fucker!
Damn, you are versatile.
You think l'm being a possessive asshole for wanting Brenda for myself?
Wanting to feel connected with someone doesn't mean you're possessive. . .
. . .or an asshole. But until there's a commitment. . .
. . .you have no claim on her.
A woman doesn't have to wait to be chosen anymore.
-She can do the choosing. -If she waits too long. . .
. . .the right guy might just move on.
You're right, dear. You're so right.
A chartered bus out of Vegas overturned on the 1 0 last night.
Forty-four passengers. Most of them dead.
-You sleep well last night? -Yes, thank you.
You sleep at all last night?
-How'd the funeral director's test go? -Oh, man, l choked.
-What a cluster fuck. -Language.
-You just said "asshole. " -Nate, l need you to pass that test.
Yeah, well, Dave, l need you to lighten up on me, starting now.
Hey.
First of all, l just want to thank you guys for everything that you've done for me.
But l think it's time for me to move on. I have to think about my future.
-My family's future. -You're leaving us? Oh, dear.
You haven't given us a chance to counter Kroehner--
Am l a partner?
You guys didn't even talk about it.
Thank you, Federico.
I'm sorry that we can't offer you more.
You will always have a job waiting for you here.
Kroehner will never appreciate how good you are.
You'll just be a part of their assembly line.
Yeah. We'll see.
A word of advice, guys. Don't turn your back on Gilardi.
Well, so much for loyalty.
Nate, he's given us five years. He doesn't owe us anything.
Nobody owes us.
My only defense is l think l was hallucinating.
That and the thought of you with another man makes me crazy.
Sorry.
I'm just a guy that way.
-So where's Connor? -Oh, God, l threw him out.
There's only so much of him l can take.
-So you forgive me? -Sure, why not?
Good. Now it's your turn.
-You want me to apologize? -Yes.
For trying to use Billy's meltdown and Connor's visit to push me away.
For being impatient with my very valid emotional response to each one.
And for always asking me to adjust my behavior and feelings. . .
. . .but never being willing to do that yourself.
Okay, that's fair.
I apologize.
-Part of you wants me to bail. -Yeah, you're probably right.
Why?
Because we've already gone further than l have with anybody since--
Since a long time ago.
Because every time l've ever believed in a happy ending. . .
. . .I've gotten severely fucked.
Sorry.
Well, do me a favor.
Promise me from here on out l am the only naked man in your bed. . .
. . .and in your life.
I'm serious, Bren. Promise me.
I promise.
I love you and l want to be with you for the long haul.
But there's a limit to the amount of shit l will put up with.
Did you just make me a lifetime commitment. . .
. . .right before the thinly veiled threat of abandonment?
Well, l don't remember using the word "lifetime. "
Oh, well, l won't hold you to it.
Sorry l'm so weird about intimacy.
I guess spending your childhood being picked apart. . .
. . .by behavioral psychologists will do that.
Yeah, well, not being able to sleep at night. . .
. . .because you know your basement's full of dead people takes its toll too.
Sorry.
Nate Fisher.
Remember that chartered bus that overturned last night?
They were all locals. We're getting three.
-The first family will be here in an hour. -I'm on my way.
-And try to curb your enthusiasm. -This will be tough without Rico.
See you later.
-Good Lord, what did they do to you? -Don't ask.
So did Mom freak when you told her l got busted?
I didn't tell her.
-Okay, why? -I don't know, other stuff came up.
It seemed like a low priority.
-Are you going to? -Probably not.
I'm sorry the Crossroads thing didn't work out like you had hoped.
Actually, it was kind of amazing.
I think l really learned something valuable.
Everything l think l know is wrong.
Hey, what happened to that guy Keith?
It just didn't work out.
-That's too bad. -Life goes on.
That it does.
Well, there's work to be done.
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Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)