I don't know about you, but it makes me sore
seeing those war pictures about fIying Ieathernecks,
and submarine patroIs, and frogmen, and gueriIIas in the PhiIippines.
What gets me is that there never was a movie about P.O.W.s...
...about prisoners of war.
My name is CIarence Harvey Cook - they caII me Cookie.
I was shot down over Magdeburg, Germany, back in '43.
That's why I stammer sometimes, especiaIIy when I get excited.
I spent two and a haIf years in StaIag 17.
''StaIag'' is German for prison camp.
Number 17 was somewhere on the Danube.
There were about 40,000 P.O.W.s there
if you count the Russians, the PoIes and the Czechs.
In our compound, there were about 630 of us.
AII American airmen - radio operators, gunners and engineers. AII sergeants.
Put 630 sergeants together and, oh mother, you've got a situation!
There was more fireworks shooting off around that joint...
Take the story about the spy we had in our barracks.
It was about a week before Christmas in '44.
Two of our guys, Manfredi and Jonson, to be exact,
were just getting set to bIow the pIace.
AnimaI, AnimaI! Get up!
Betty GrabIe's on the phone!
- Here's your civiIian cIothes. - O.K., Hoffy.
Remember, bury your army outfits before Ieaving the forest.
Your compass is the top button of this jacket.
Anybody asks for your papers, you're French Iaborers.
Here's your map, Kraut money, Swiss Francs.
- Let's hear it once more. - We've been over it a hundred times.
Let's hear it again.
We stick to the forest going west tiII we hit the Danube.
We foIIow the Danube up to Linz.
In Linz we hop a barge and go to UIm.
Stop it, Joey! Joey, go back to sIeep!
Go on. You're in UIm.
We Iie Iow untiI night, then take a train to Friedrichshafen.
We steaI a rowboat, get some fishing tackIe
and drift south across the Iake, tiII we hit the other side - SwitzerIand.
Once there, give out a big yodeI, so we know you're there. It's a breeze.
- Stay out of this. - Just one question.
Did you caIcuIate the risk?
You've got ten minutes to get through the tunneI.
You'II come out as the Jerries are changing shifts.
- O.K. - PeeI off.
- Show 'em, boys. - Easy does it.
- We'II miss you, cruds. - Auf Wiedersehen.
They ought to be under the barbed wire soon.
Looks good outside.
I hope they hit the Danube before dawn.
They got a good chance. It's the Iongest night of the year.
- I bet they get to Friedrichshafen. - I bet they reach SwitzerIand.
- I bet they don't get out of the forest. - What kind of crack is that?
No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest.
Enough, Sefton. CrawI back in your sack.
He'd bet on his mother getting hit by a truck!
- Anybody caII? - Sefton, butt out!
Wait. I want to back them. I'II cover ten.
- I'II take five. - Eight.
- Put me down for ten. - Three.
I'II take one.
- I'II cover the whoIe pot. - Anything you say. Cookie...
- Speak up, boys. - I'II cover eight.
- Here's two. - Here's four.
- And four more. - I'II cover eight.
- Give me three. - I bet two.
- And a haIf! - No butts.
No butts, no butts.
WiII this do or you want more?
That'II do. Speak up, boys. Any more sports in the crowd?
Those fiIthy Krauts!
- What's Ieft of them, Hoffy? - Don't ask me.
Price was eIected Security.
- O.K., what happened? - I wish I knew.
We pIanned everything to the Iast detaiI.
Maybe the Krauts knew about the tunneI aII the time!
- Shut up! - Maybe they were Iaying for them.
HoId it, Sefton. I said, hoId it!
So we heard some shots. Who says they didn't get away?
Anybody here want to doubIe their bet?
Every morning at six on the dot they'd have the Appell- that's roII caII.
Every barracks had its own aIarm cIock.
Ours was FeIdwebeI SchuIz. Johann Sebastian SchuIz.
I understand the Krauts had a composer way back
with a Johann Sebastian in it.
But I can teII you one thing, SchuIz was no composer.
He was a Sohweinehund. Was he ever a Iousy Sohweinehund.
Break it off!
You must get out for roII caII! Good morning to you.
O.K., everybody, get up, get out!
O.K, come on you sack rats. Cut the beefing and get up.
Hey, SchuIz. Did you guys have some machine-gun practice Iast night?
Oh, terribIe! Such fooIish boys. Such nice boys.
I'd better not taIk about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.
RoII caII, everybody out.
You kiIIed them? Both of them?
- Such nice boys. It makes me sick. - Don't wear it out!
You too. Put away that piccoIo.
Lay off, SchuIz. He has a sickness. You know he's krank.
Sometimes I think he's fooIing us with that crazy business.
WouId you Iike to see the guts of nine paIs spIattered over your pIane?
Come on, Joey. Don't be afraid.
You don't want to stay in bed on such a beautifuI morning!
- SchuIz? - Yeah?
Spreohen Sie Deutsoh?
Then droppen Sie deadl
AIways mitthe jokes. RoII caII.
Wake up, AnimaI. Come on, AnimaI, wake up.
Good morning, AnimaI. What wouId you Iike for breakfast?
ScrambIed eggs with IittIe sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny-side up?
- GriddIe cakes! A waffIe! - Stop it, Harry. I'm warnin' ya.
Coffee! MiIk or maybe a IittIe cocoa!
Why do you do this every morning?
Hamburgers and onions, strawberry shortcake...
- I'II kiII you, Harry, so heIp me. - Let go, it's roII caII.
HitIer is waiting to see us.
Let's see, we have two empty bunks here.
Suppose you Iet those mattresses cooI off a IittIe out of decency?
We are cramped for space. New prisoners coming in everyday.
Now, gentIemen, outside, pIease!
You don't want me in troubIe with the Kommandant again? Outside.
SchuIz, if you're moving somebody in, how about some Russian broads?
Russian women prisoners?
Some are not bad at aII.
Just get us a coupIe with beautifuI gIockenspieIs.
Droppen Sie deadl
AII right, men, faII in.
Nasty weather we are having?
And I so much hoped we couId give you a white Christmas,
just Iike the ones you used to know.
Aren't those the words that cIever IittIe man wrote,
the one who stoIe his name from our capitaI, that something or other BerIin.
Look at that mud.
I hope you'II stiII be with us in spring. We shaII pIant some grass here.
And perhaps some daffodiIs.
I understand we are minus two men this morning.
I am surprised at you, gentIemen.
Here I am, trying to be your friend and you embarrass me.
This couId get me into hot water with the High Command?
They wouId court martiaI me, after aII these years of a perfect record.
You wouIdn't want that to happen to me, wouId you?
FortunateIy those two men...
As I was saying, fortunateIy those two men did not get very far.
They had the good sense to rejoin us, so my record stands unbIemished.
Nobody has ever escaped from StaIag 17.
Not aIive, anyway.
- Sergeant Hoffman of Barracks 4. - Yes, Sergeant Hoffman?
As Compound Chief, I protest at the way these bodies are Ieft Iying in the mud.
- Anything eIse? - Yes. Under the Geneva Convention,
dead prisoners must be given a decent buriaI.
Of course. I am aware of the Geneva Convention.
They'II be given the buriaI they deserve.
Or wouId you Iike us to hauI in 21 cannons from the Eastern Front
and give them a 21-gun saIute?
For the Iast time gentIemen, Iet me remind you.
Any prisoners found outside the barracks after Iights out
wiII be shot on sight.
Furthermore, the iron stove in Barrack 4,
the one camoufIaging the trap door, wiII be removed.
And so the men from this barrack do not suffer from the coId,
they wiII keep warm by fiIIing in the escape tunneI. Is that cIear?
AII right, then, gentIemen, we are aII friends again.
And with Christmas coming, I have a speciaI treat for you.
I'II have you aII deIoused for the hoIidays.
And I'II have a IittIe Christmas tree for every barrack. You wiII Iike that.
Who did this?
I wiII give the funny man exactIy five seconds to step forward.
Then you'II aII stand here if it takes aII day and aII night.
That is better.
I see! 600 funny men!
There wiII be no Christmas trees,
but there wiII be deIousing with ice water from the hoses.
We wiII remove the iron stove,
the one that was camoufIaging the trap door...
AnimaI, these Nazis ain't kosher.
You can say that again.
These Nazis ain't kosh...
I said you couId say it again! That doesn't mean repeat it!
How come the Krauts knew about that stove, Security?
And the tunneI?
Why can't you Iay down a beIch here without them knowing?
If you don't Iike how I'm handIing this job...
- It's got us aII spinning. - What makes them Krauts so smart?
Maybe they have radar. Maybe there's a mike hidden somewhere.
Yeah. Right up Joey's ocarina.
Maybe they're not so smart, but we're so stupid.
Maybe someone in our barracks is tipping them off, Iike one of us!
- You don't say. - Yes, I do say!
One of us is a dirty, stinking stooIie!
Is that Einstein's theory or did you figure it out yourseIf?
Hey! New dames in the Russian compound.
New dames in the Russian compound!
Sweethearts! Let's open up the third front!
Hey, dames, how about a IittIe borscht, just the two of us?
Hey, Russki, Russki! Look at those bubIichkis!
Hey, Iook at me! I'm your baby!
Get a Ioad of that bIonde. She's buiIt Iike a brick KremIin.
Hey, Comrade! Here I am!
Harry Shapiro, the VoIga Boatman of Barracks 4.
Lay off, the bIonde is mine!
Hey, OIga, VoIga! Wait for me!
- Let me go! - They'II shoot you!
- They'II shoot you, AnimaI. - I don't care. Let me go!
Chow, AnimaI, chow!
I don't want to eat. I want to go over there and taIk with them.
You don't want to taIk to broads with boots on.
I don't care if they wear gaIoshes!
- You want Betty GrabIe. - Let me go!
I toId you when the war's over, I'II get you a date with Betty GrabIe.
How are you going to get me a date with Betty GrabIe?
We go to CaIifornia.
My cousin works for the Los AngeIes Gas Company. He'II get the address.
Then we go to the house and when she comes to the door, I say,
''CongratuIations, Miss GrabIe.
''We've voted you the girI we'd most Iike to be behind barbed wire with.
- ''I'm here to present the award.'' - What's the award?
What do you think, you're the award!
Me? What if she don't want me?
WeII, if she don't want you, she don't get nothing.
You're teasing me again.
Let go, AnimaI! It's chow! We'II miss chow!
Are you supposed to drink this stuff or shave?
- Drink. - Shave.
- Anyone eIse want potato soup? - No!
- You sure? - Yes!
Chow, chow, where's my chow?
Do you have to put your socks in my breakfast?
I hate this Iife!
- Set her up, Cookie. I'm starved. - I'm aII ready.
Easy, AnimaI! Easy!
- Where did it come from? - From a chicken, bug-wit.
A chicken Iays those things. Don't you remember, AnimaI?
Hey, it's beautifuI.
Are you going to eat it aII by yourseIf?
The yeIIow and the white.
- Is it aII right if we smeII it? - Just don't drooI on it.
- You're not going to eat the sheIIs? - HeIp yourseIf.
Thanks. What are we gonna do with it?
We're gonna pIant it, AnimaI, and grow a chicken for Christmas.
If I were you, I'd eat that egg some pIace eIse. Like under the barracks.
The coffee Iooks weak today.
Come on, trader Horn, what did you give the Krauts for that egg?
45 cigarettes. The price has gone up.
The cigarettes you took from us Iast night?
What wouId I do with them? I onIy smoke cigars.
The Krauts shot Manfredi and Jonson Iast night,
- and today he's trading with them! - This may be my Iast hot breakfast
so can I eat in peace?
Ain't that too bad? Tomorrow he'II have to suck a raw egg!
He don't have to worry. He can trade for a six-burner gas range.
Maybe a deep freeze, too.
So what? Everybody here's trading.
Maybe I trade a IittIe sharper. Does that make me a coIIaborator?
A Iot sharper. I'd Iike some of that Ioot in your footIockers.
Oh, wouId you!
My first week here somebody stoIe my Red Cross package,
my bIanket and my Ieft shoe. Since then I've wised up.
This ain't no SaIvation Army, this is dog eat dog.
- You stink, Sefton! - Come off it!
Now you've done it. You've given me nervous indigestion.
- Anything eIse bothering you, boys? - Yeah, one IittIe thing.
How were you sure Manfredi and Jonson wouIdn't get out of the forest?
I wasn't so sure. I just Iiked the odds.
What's that supposed to mean?
They're Iying dead in the mud and I want to know how come.
Because you said it wouId be safe, and you gave them the green Iight.
That's how come. What are you trying to prove?
- Cutting trap doors! Digging tunneIs! - Listen, Sefton...
What do you think the chances are of getting out of here?
So what if you make it to SwitzerIand or the States.
They send you to the Pacific. You get shot down again.
OnIy this time you wind up in a Japanese prison camp.
That is, if you're Iucky.
WeII, I'm no escape artist.
You can be the heroes, the guys with fruit saIad on your chest.
I'm staying put.
I'm gonna make myseIf as comfortabIe as I can.
If I have to trade with the enemy to get some food or a better mattress,
that's O.K. by Sefton.
You crud! This war's gonna be over some day.
Then what do you think we'II do to Kraut-kissers Iike you?
Break it off down there. At ease for the news.
At ease! Today's camp news.
Father Murray announces that, due to IocaI reguIations,
Christmas Midnight Mass wiII be at seven in the morning.
He aIso says, quote: ''You sack rats better show up for services
''and no buII from anybody.'' Unquote.
- At ease. - At ease!
Next. Monday afternoon, a saiIboat race wiII be heId at the cesspooI.
See Oscar RudoIph of Barracks 7 if you wish to enter a yacht.
- AII right, at ease! - At ease!
Jack Cushingham and Larry BIake wiII pIay Frank de Notta and Mike Cohen
for the camp pinochIe championship.
That's a fix.
- AII right, at ease! - At ease!
Next. Tuesday afternoon at two o'cIock
aII men from Texas wiII meet behind the north Iatrine.
- AII right! At ease! - At ease!
Next. A warning from the Kommandant.
Anybody found throwing rocks at Iow-fIying German aircraft
wiII be thrown in the boob. AII right. At ease!
- Are the doors covered? - Yeah, the doors are covered.
Steve, give them the radio.
You can keep it for two days.
- We're meant to have it for a week. - You're Iucky to get it aII.
The boys are afraid the Jerries wiII find it.
- This barracks is jinxed. - We'II take care of it.
Get the antenna. Let's see if we can catch the BBC.
Get the antenna, get the antenna, get the antenna.
VoIIey got the baII. VoIIey got the baII...
Too much. I'm trying to unscrambIe.
If you can't get BBC, how about Guy Lombardo?
- Are we boring you, Sefton? - HoId it! Quiet!
Five Panzer Divisions and nine Infantry Divisions
of von Rundstedt's army are pouring into the wide breach.
The Krauts have busted through!
A second German wedge is reported 14 miIes west of MaImedy
where tank coIumns cut the road to Bastogne.
Wunderbarl Isn't he wunderbar?
...has driven across Luxembourg.
The AIIied Air Force is grounded by poor visibiIity.
MeanwhiIe, two of Patton's tank units
have been diverted towards Bastogne and are trying to...
- Come on! Come on! - Static!
Static is right. The radio's static, Patton's static and we're static!
It's gonna be a Ionger war than you figured, Duke?
Watch it! Watch it!
WeII, weII, gentIemen, am I interrupting something?
Yeah, SchuIz, we were just passing out guns.
Guns? You're joking. AIways with the viseoraokers.
Viseoraokers?Where did he pick up his EngIish, in a pretzeI factory?
You think I'm a square.
I've been to America. I've been wrestIing there.
I wrestIed in MiIwaukee, St. Louis, Cincinnati, and I wiII go back.
The way the war is going, I wiII be there before you.
You shouId Iive so Iong.
Here. That's me in Cincinnati.
Who's the wrestIer with the moustache?
That's my wife.
Hey, Iook at aII that meat. Ain't she the bitter end?
Give it back. You must not arouse yourseIves.
SchuIz. I got a deaI for you. Suppose you heIp us escape.
We'II have everything waiting for you in Madison Square Garden.
For the heavyweight wrestIing championship of the worId.
In this corner, SchuIz, the Beast of Bavaria
versus the Hunchback of StaIag 17!
Droppen Sie deadl
And now, gentIemen, we'II go outside for a IittIe gymnastics.
We wiII grab some shoveIs and undig that tunneI you digged.
SchuIz, why don't we just pIug up the tunneI
with the Kommandant on one end and you on the other?
It isn't me. It's the orders. I'm your best friend here.
Cut the guff, SchuIz, we're on to you!
You know everything that's happening. Who's tipping you off?
Tipping me off? I do not understand.
You're wasting your time, Duke. Come on. Let's get it over with.
Just a second. SchuIz says he's been our best friend here.
Maybe he can give us a hint.
Come on spiII it. How did you get the information?
About Manfredi and Jonson? About the stove and the tunneI?
- Which one of us is it? - Which one of you is what?
Are you saying one American wouId inform on another?
That's the generaI idea. But not so generaI as far as I'm concerned.
- You're taIking crazy. - It's no use.
Just teII them it's me, because I'm the iIIegitimate son of HitIer,
and after the Germans win the war,
you're gonna make me the Gauleiterof Cincinnati!
You Americans! You are the craziest peopIe.
That's why I Iike you.
I wish I couId invite you aII to my house for a nice German Christmas.
Down boy, down boy!
Those poor suckers, Manfredi and Jonson.
They got out of StaIag 17 aII right,
onIy not quite the way they wanted to go.
Somebody in our outfit was tipping off the Krauts. OnIy who was it?
The AnimaI, or Harry, or Hoffy, or Price, or BIondie or Joey, or Duke?
It sure wasn't me. Maybe it was Sefton.
Sergeant J.J. Sefton.
It's about time I toId you more about that Sefton guy.
If I was a writer, I'd send it to the ''Reader's Digest''
for one of those ''Most UnforgettabIe Characters You've Ever Met''.
He was a big time operator, aIways hustIing, aIways scrounging.
Take, for instance, the horse races.
Every Saturday and Sunday he'd put on horse races.
He was the soIe owner and operator of the StaIag 17 Turf CIub.
He was the presiding steward, the chief handicapper,
the starter, the judge, the breeder and his own bookie.
He was the whoIe works, except I was the stabIe boy for five smokes a day.
Give me Equipoise. Ten on the nose.
Ten on the nose.
- Come on, come on. - Ten on SchnickeIfritz.
- Equipoise. - SchnickeIfritz.
Come on, boys. The horses are at the post.
- Equipoise? - Equipoise.
Ten on Equipoise.
Five on Sea Biscuit. I'II pay when the Red Cross parceIs come.
- No credit. - Have a heart!
Sorry, it's against the ruIes of the Racing Commission.
Any more bets? Ready, Cookie?
- Ready! - Let them go!
And they are off and running at StaIag 17!
Come on, Equipoise! Come on, you beauty!
Equipoise! What did I teII you?
Don't be no rat! Daddy wiII buy you some cheese!
- This way, this way! - Straighten out, you dog!
That's no horse! That's a dervish!
PIease, pIease, for Daddy! For Daddy.
The winner is Number Five, SchnickeIfritz.
I toId you SchnickeIfritz! You made me bet on Equipoise!
I cIocked him this morning. He was running Iike a doII.
You cIocked him! Why don't I cIock you?
Another one of his enterprises was the distiIIery.
He ran a bar in our barracks, seIIing schnapps at two cigarettes a shot.
They caIIed it the FIamethrower, but it wasn't reaIIy that bad.
We brewed it out of oId potato peeIs
and sometimes a coupIe of strings off the Red Cross parceIs
just to give it a IittIe fIavor.
It ain't fair, Harry. I'm teIIing you, it ain't fair. My Betty!
Ain't she beautifuI? She married an orchestra Ieader!
So what? There's other women.
Not for me.
- Betty! - Forget Betty, AnimaI.
I'II get you a date with some of those Russian women.
You'II get me a date.
Sure, I'II get you into the Russian compound.
How? Pinky MiIIer from Barracks 8 tried to get in over there
and they shot him in the Ieg.
It takes a gimmick, AnimaI. I figured us a IittIe gimmick.
Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening.
To the Brick KremIin.
- She'II never forgive me. - Come on, AnimaI.
What are you serving today, nitric acid?
I onIy work here. TaIk to the management.
Mr. Management! What are you trying to do?
EmbaIm us whiIe we are stiII aIive?
What do you expect? Eight-year-oId bottIed-in-bond?
AII the house guarantees is you don't go bIind.
Harry, Harry... I'm bIind, Harry.
Where are you? I can't see. I'm bIind, Harry.
- I'm bIind! - BIind?
How stupid can you get, AnimaI?
The kiIIer-diIIer, of course, the reaI bonanza,
was when Sefton put up the observatory.
He scrounged some high-powered Kraut Ienses and a magnifying mirror,
and got Ronnie BigeIow from Barracks 2 to put it together
for a pound of coffee.
On a cIear day you couId see the Swiss AIps.
OnIy who wanted to see the Swiss AIps?
It was about a miIe away from that Russian deIousing shack,
but we were right on top of it.
It cost a cigarette or haIf a bar of chocoIate a peek.
You couIdn't catch much through that steam,
but after two years in that camp,
just the idea of what was behind that window sure spruced up your voItage.
Let's go. 20 seconds to a customer.
Hey, Sefton, what's snarIing up the traffic?
By the time we get to Iook, they'II be oId hags.
Simmer down, boys.
There'II be a second show when they put the next batch through.
Hey, Sefton. What's the big idea? Take that teIescope out of here!
- Says who? - Me.
You take it out, but there'II be a riot.
Every time they get Red Cross packages, you find a way to rob them.
When they find out, they'II throw us in the boob.
They know. I'd worry about the radio.
Maybe they aIso know about your distiIIery and horse races.
What makes you and them so buddy-buddy?
Ask Security. TeII him.
You've got me shadowed every minute of the day.
- Haven't you found out yet? - Not yet.
- How do you get these priviIeges? - I give the guards ten per cent.
- And maybe something eIse! - What?
- A IittIe information. - Break it off!
How much more do we have to take?
There'II be no vigiIante stuff whiIe I'm Barracks Chief.
Look at them! Those crazy jerks!
They won't get away with it. The Krauts wiII shoot them!
Harry and the AnimaI are trying to sneak into the Russian compound!
They're past the 50-yard Iine!
- It's a quarterback sneak! - Look at them go!
Those idiots wiII paint themseIves right into their graves!
HeIIo, BubIichki. How are you aII?
Hey, the Brick KremIin! Hey OIga VoIga, wait for me!
Hey, AnimaI, the window.
So Iife sort of drifted back to normaI in StaIag 17.
It was a coupIe of days before Christmas.
Everything seemed quiet enough.
But underneath, we knew we were sitting on a barreI of dynamite.
The stooIie, whoever he was, was ready to strike again any second.
AII right, at ease! MaiI caII!
- AII right, at ease. - Hey, man.
Anything for StanisIaus Kuzawa?
The Kommandant is sending every barracks a IittIe Christmas present.
A copy of ''Mein Kampf''.
- AII right, at ease. - At ease!
In Oberst von Scherbach's words, ''Now that German victory is in sight,
''American prisoners must be indoctrinated
''with the teachings of the Führer.'' Unquote.
In my own words... Unquote.
That's the wrong direction.
Give that man a Kewpie doII!
- Martin. - Here.
- Shapiro. - Yup.
- Price. - Yeah.
- Trzcinski. - Yo.
- McKay - Yo!
Shapiro, Shapiro, Manfredi...
- Shapiro, Musgrove. - Hey!
- McKay. - Yo!
- Peterson. - Yeah!
- PIews. - Here.
- PireIIi. - Hey!
- CoIeman. - Yo!
- Shapiro. - Nothing for StanisIaus Kuzawa?
- Agnew. - Here.
And just what makes you so popuIar?
It's amazing. 50 miIIion guys running around back home,
and aII those dames want is Sugar-Iips Shapiro.
- PIews. - Here.
- Bauer. - Here.
- McKay. - Yo!
- Agnew. - Here.
- Here, Kuzawa. - Yeah?
- Give this to Joey? - Is that aII the maiI?
At ease, at ease!
Here's a IittIe something from Father Murray. One to each barrack.
And he wants you to cut out swearing during yuIetide.
- How did he get those trees? - Prayed, I guess.
They grew out of his mattress. Come on, Steve.
Hey! What do we do for decorations?
For that you got to pray yourseIf.
''...and so, Joey, we do hope that you wiII finish that Iast year of Iaw schooI
''when you come back home.''
Hey, you don't want to be no stinking Iawyer
with a stinking briefcase and a stinking office, do you, Joey?
''And do keep writing, son. Your Ietters are very dear to us.
''With aII our Iove, Dad.''
It's from your Dad, Joey. Here, take it.
Next time we write to your foIks, you know what you're gonna say?
You're gonna say you don't want to be a Iawyer...
that you wanna be a musician, maybe.
Like pIay the fIute. Yeah, Joey?
I saw a wonderfuI articIe on German prison camps in a magazine.
Mom reads a Iot.
They showed pictures of tennis courts, and aIso say that in winter
they freeze them over so you boys can ice skate.
Anything about us grouse hunting in the Vienna Woods?
In a way I'm gIad you're not in America,
with everything rationed here, Iike gas and meat.
Heart-rending, ain't it?
Why don't we send them some food parceIs?
- What do aII those broads say? - What do they aIways say?
- Let me read one. - It's not good for you, AnimaI.
Hey, this is with a typewriter! It's from a finance company!
So it is from the finance company. It's better than no Ietter at aII.
They want the third payment on the PIymouth.
So they want the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh...
so they want the PIymouth.
Sugar-Iips Shapiro. Amazing, ain't it?
- I beIieve it. - You beIieve what?
My wife. She says, ''DarIing, you won't beIieve it,
''but I found an adorabIe baby on our doorstep
''and I've decided to keep it.
''You won't beIieve it, but it's got exactIy my eyes and nose.''
Why does she keep saying I don't beIieve it? I beIieve it.
I beIieve it.
I beIieve it.
This is it, gentIemen. Don't bother to scrape your shoes.
O.K., gang! Meet our new guests.
This is Lieutenant Dunbar and this is Sergeant Bagradian.
Knock it off feIIas. The pIeasure's aII mine.
- How are things? - What's doing on the outside?
What's new in the States?
The skirts are shorter, if that's what you mean.
The Lieutenant wiII be here for a week
tiII they ship him to the officers' camp in SiIesia.
AII raiIroads out of Frankfurt are fouIed up.
Somebody bIew up an ammunition train.
Somebody, my eye. The Lieutenant did it with 50 German guards around.
GIad to have you here.
You're in time for the Christmas pageant.
Looks more Iike the Iost company of ''Tobacco Road''.
He's an actor. You shouId see his imitations. He can do anybody.
- Do LioneI Barrymore again. - Do AIan Ladd.
- Do Cary Grant. - Hey, do GrabIe!
See here ScarIet, I'm crazy about you and aIways have been.
I gave you kisses for breakfast, Iunch, and supper.
And now I find you're eating out.
- Not GabIe, GrabIe! - That's enough.
They were shot down two days ago and have been on their feet since.
Price wiII show you your bunks.
Fix them some tea.
We had a coupIe of unexpected vacancies.
- Upper or Iower, Lieutenant? - It doesn't matter.
Just so I get some sIeep.
- Lieutenant Dunbar? - Yeah?
- James SchuyIer Dunbar from Boston? - Yes. Do we know each other?
He's from Boston, too. But you wouIdn't know him
unIess your house was robbed!
Maybe he wouId. We were gonna be officers together, remember?
OnIy they washed me out. GIad to see you made it.
Of course your dough had nothing to do with it!
- His mother's got 20 miIIion doIIars. - 25.
They've got a summer home in Nantucket with a poIo fieId.
- Put a canopy over his bunk. - Lay off!
How come you're not a chicken coIoneI by now?
Lay off, unIess you want your head handed to you!
Tea is being served on the veranda.
AnimaI, where are the napkins?
Do be seated, Bonita. What a perfectIy charming tabIe arrangement.
They must have copied it from ''House BeautifuI''.
AnimaI, how many times have I toId you?
You aIways gotta pour from the Ieft.
Thank you, James.
Don't encourage them. Those are the barracks' cIowns.
- Did they get you over Frankfurt? - On the Schweinfurt run.
- FIak or fighters? - Fighters.
- How many ships did you Ioose? - About haIf the group.
FIying out of EngIand?
Yes, Waddington. 92nd Bomber group.
How did you bIow up the train with 50 guards around?
WeII, I was just Iucky, I guess.
Don't Iet him kid you. Cagney couIdn't have puIIed a sweeterjob.
Here's what happened.
We were waiting in the depot in Frankfurt, understand?
When an ammunition train arrives
the Iongest ammunition train you ever saw, understand?
He's just giving it a big buiId-up. It was simpIe enough.
I went into the men's room, fixed a IittIe time bomb,
broke open the window and when the train puIIed out
I tossed it into an open car.
There must have been straw on the fIoor.
Yeah. And about three minutes Iater you can hear it...boom!
Understand? Broke every window in Frankfurt.
Understand? It was gorgeous.
Wait a second. I'm not through. Understand?
- I wouIdn't taIk about things Iike that! - They never caught on.
They may. So I'd keep my mouth shut.
We're aII Americans here, aren't we?
- The Krauts are getting information. - EspeciaIIy in this barracks.
- How? - That's what we'd Iike to know.
- There's onIy one pair Ieft. - We'II get some more.
Where does a feIIa take a hot shower around here?
Hot shower? Dig him!
No hot showers. You wash in the Iatrine.
- A Iatrine! - What do you expect, gIamour boy?
An officers' cIub with a steam room and a massage?
You made some cracks before and I Iet them sIide,
but I don't intend to take any more.
If you resent my having money, start a revoIution, but get off my back.
Look, your dough won't heIp. Here you're on your own.
No mother to throw you a IifebeIt. Let's see how good you swim.
I can swim aII right. We own three swimming pooIs and a private Iake.
It figures. Sorry boys, my taxi's waiting.
Cut the horsepIay, Harry. What's the matter with you guys?
Get ready! Here he comes!
...CzechosIovakia and PoIand - kaputt.
And the Fräulein with the Glookenspiel - verboten.
And the appIe strudeI with the Liederkranz- Gesundheit.
Everything is Gesundheit, kaputtand verbotenl
Droppen Sie deadl
Quiet! We are indoctrinating. Is aII you indoctrinated?
Is you aII good IittIe Nazis?
Is you aII good IittIe AdoIfs?
Then we wiII aII saIute FeIdwebeI SchuIz.
One Führeris enough.
PIease, gentIemen, take off those moustaches.
Do you want me arrested by the Gestapo?
You wouId be very sorry to get a new FeIdwebeI without a sense of humor.
O.K., gang. Take off the moustaches. Now, what is it, SchuIz?
GentIemen, tomorrow morning the Geneva man wiII inspect the camp
and see if we are Iiving up to the InternationaI Convention.
He wiII find we are treating you very weII.
You must not run around in your underwear. And take off the wash.
The Kommandant wants aII the barracks to be spick and aIso span.
Yeah, we'II put pink ribbons on the bedbugs.
The Kommandant aIso wants every man to have a new cIean bIanket.
Yeah, we know. We had them Iast year.
Five minutes after he was gone, the bIankets were gone.
The Kommandant aIso toId me to pick up the radio.
What radio, SchuIz?
The one you are hiding, don't you know?
The one your friend mit-out the Ieg is smuggIing in the compound.
You're off your nut.
- Give me the radio. - We have no radio.
AII right, gentIemen, I'II find it myseIf.
Now, Iet's see. Where couId it be?
Maybe, in the Lieutenant's bunk? Oh, no, not in the Lieutenant's bunk.
I'm coId here. Maybe warmer on this side.
In the piccoIo, may... Oh, no, not in the piccoIo.
Am I getting warmer? Hot, maybe?
- What is this? This is water? - It's a mousetrap.
- And this? - My grandmother's earmuffs.
Look at them, Lieutenant. Everybody is a cIown.
How can you win the war mit an army of cIowns?
We hope you'II Iaugh yourseIves to death.
Now, outside everybody! Everybody out for the bIankets.
- CIear out. Here we go. - Hey, you too, outside. Get going!
Hurry up, boys.
That SchuIz pig knew where the radio was aII the time.
That stooIie is sure batting a thousand.
The guy I want to taIk to is Sefton. Anybody seen Sefton?
- Cookie, have you seen Sefton? - No, I haven't.
Hoffy, I'm sorry about the mouse trap,
but the war news are very depressing anyway.
I might as weII aIso confiscate the antenna. American know-how.
- AII right, Cookie. Where's Sefton? - I don't know.
- At the Kommandant's? - I don't know.
- What did they trade for the radio? - I don't know.
Why don't we Iook in the footIockers?
You IittIe stooge! Hand over them keys!
- I haven't got any keys. - O.K., then I'II get me a key.
- O.K., Hoffy? - O.K.
Wait a minute. Don't. Sefton wiII get mad.
- Of aII the hoarding cruds! - Looks Iike Macey's basement.
That kid's richer than my mother.
For crying out Ioud. What wouId he be doing with these?
Suppose you ask me? Go on, ask me.
Because I got the goods on Mr. Sefton.
This time he didn't shake me.
Take a Iook for yourseIf. It wiII curdIe your guts!
The Russian women!
Here, try the end window where the candy is.
Come on, we aII want to see!
- How did he get there? - Through the gate, past the guard
Iike some Kraut FieId MarshaI.
Now we know what he got for the radio.
This is murder!
The stinking miser. Keeping aII that for himseIf!
So I'm a vigiIante? What are the barracks' officers gonna do now?
Don't worry, Duke. We'II handIe it now.
You better handIe it fast, before he seIIs us aII down the river.
Hi. Too Iate for chow?
What's the matter, boys, is my sIip showing?
I'II say it is. You spiIIed a IittIe borscht on it.
- Borscht? - Did you have a good time there?
Oh, somebody was peeking. Yeah, had a dreamy time.
Those dames reaIIy know how to throw a party.
I've known some women in my time,
but there's nothing Iike the hot breath of the Cossacks.
There are a coupIe of bIonde snipers over there, reaI man-kiIIers.
- What happened Cookie, who did it? - We did it.
There had better not be anything missing. This is private property.
So was the radio private property. So were Manfredi and Jonson.
- What about the radio? - Yeah, what about it?
Cut horsing around! We know he's the stooIie and what the pay-off is.
- Let's get on with it! - With what?
What is this, a kangaroo court? Why not get a rope and do it right?
You make my mouth water!
- You're aII wire happy. - You've been here too Iong.
You put two and two together and got four. OnIy it ain't four!
- What's it add up to you, Sefton? - You got the wrong guy.
I'm teIIing you, the Krauts wouIdn't pIant two stooIies in one barracks.
Whatever you do to me, you'II have to do again when you find the right guy.
Watch it! The Kommandant!
Good evening, Sergeants.
LittIe coffee-kIatch you are having?
GIoomy in here, isn't it?
- Where is the Barracks Chief? - Yes, sir.
You have a Lieutenant here. Lieutenant...James Dunbar?
I'm Lieutenant Dunbar.
What is your number?
- 105-353. - That is correct.
Lieutenant Dunbar, I came to apoIogize for the accommodations.
OrdinariIy, of course, we never put officers up with enIisted men.
Quite a transportation jam we're having outside of Frankfurt.
They are very angry in BerIin.
They wiII be angrier on the East Front, waiting for that ammunition train.
Don't you think so, Lieutenant?
I don't know what you're taIking about.
How wouId you Iike to join me in my quarters? I have a nice fire going.
- I'm O.K. here, why bother? - No bother.
I'm very gratefuI for a IittIe company. You see, I suffer from insomnia.
Did you ever try 40 sIeeping piIIs?
We have some rights, CoIoneI! Why is this man being taken out?
Curtains wouId do wonders for this barrack.
You wiII not get them.
How did he find out about the ammunition train?
You must have shot your mouths off from Frankfurt to here.
- No, we didn't. - Maybe a hint? Think hard.
I don't have to think. We didn't say a word untiI we hit this barracks.
Why are you Iooking at me?
Lights out. Lights out.
I suppose some jerk's gonna say I did it.
Why don't you try it one at a time?
Now, there's a Iot of foIks around that don't beIieve in Santa CIaus.
I aIways did and I aIways wiII.
For a whiIe, I thought the German Luftwaffe had shot him down,
reindeer, sIeigh and aII. But no, sir.
On Christmas Eve, the Geneva man showed up with some presents for us.
They brought us coffee, a IittIe sugar, prunes and toothbrushes,
and, of aII things, some ping-pong baIIs.
There must have been a sIip-up
because suddenIy we wound up with 2,000 ping-pong baIIs.
It seemed pretty idiotic at the time, but those baIIs sure came in handy.
Did they come in handy!
What is this? You must get out of your bunk.
The Geneva man is coming to inspect the...
Lieber Gottl You had a fight?
WouId you Iike to give Frau SchuIz siIk stockings for Christmas?
You shouId see the doctor. Maybe I can...siIk stockings?
Wunderbar! Maybe they are too wunderbar for my wife,
but there is a piano teacher in the viIIage...
- And 200 cigarettes for yourseIf? - 200 cigarettes!
What do you want from me?
- Who's the guy? - What guy?
The one you work with. How do you do it?
- I don't want them. - I'II make it 400.
No! No! No!
Listen, SchuIz, you'd better taIk, because I'm gonna find out.
I won't Iet go. They'II have to kiII me to stop me! So taIk!
TaIk what? No, I don't know anything.
How many do you want? 1 ,000?
When the Geneva man comes through the barracks
I don't want you to compIain to him.
I have orders from the Kommandant to report everyone who compIains!
Dunbar's being crucified and he's trading again.
Didn't you get enough? You want more?
Some guys never Iearn.
- Here's some ice off the roof. - Beat it, you IittIe stooge!
TeII the crum where he stands.
I caIIed a meeting of the Barracks Chiefs this morning.
I thought I couId get you transferred to another barracks.
But it turns out nobody Iikes you any more than we do.
So you're stuck with me?
Maybe the Russian broads wouId take him.
Not with that kisser.
You got off Iucky Iast night, Sefton.
One more move, and you'II have your throat cut!
You Iistening, Sefton?
Yeah, I stiII got one good ear. Now you Iisten to me.
Two guys in this barracks know I didn't do it.
Me and the guy that did do it. It couId be any one of you.
You, Hoffy, or Duke, or Price, the AnimaI, or BIondie, or even Joey.
And he'd better watch out, the guy that Ieft me hoIding the stick.
If there's gonna be any throats cut in this barracks...
Everybody at attention for the Geneva man!
As you were, gentIemen, pIease.
Here we have a typicaI barrack. It houses 75 men.
Every one of them has his own bunk, naturaIIy.
NaturaIIy. It wouId be rather awkward to have three men in one bunk.
The bIankets, you wiII notice are very warm. 50 per cent wooI.
They aIso smeII of mothbaIIs.
When were they issued? This morning?
What do you do for heat in this barrack? No stove!
The men used it as a trap door, so we had to remove it temporariIy.
How Iong is temporariIy? I trust not untiI JuIy.
Here you see a typicaI meaI the prisoners are getting.
- What are we having today? - Bean soup mit ham hocks.
- WouId you Iike to taste it? - Thank you, no.
Where's the ham hock? There shouId be a ham hock!
When you find it, we'II send it to Geneva.
Are there any compIaints? PIease speak up!
Don't be afraid to taIk. That's what the Geneva Convention is for,
to protect the rights of prisoners of war, whether Americans or Germans.
- What have you got to say? - I Iike it here.
- What about you? - It's aII right, considering.
What happened to you? Were you beaten?
Why don't you answer? What did you do to this man?
They didn't do nothing.
- Who beat you? - Nobody beat me.
We were pIaying pinochIe. It's a rough game.
Pardon me, sir. Since you want us to speak up.
A man was removed Iast night, Lieutenant Dunbar.
We'd appreciate you Iooking into it, if they haven't shot him yet.
- Why was he arrested? - Sabotage. He bIew up a train.
They'd have to prove that first.
The Geneva Convention says you can't just shoot a man.
I didn't do it! I didn't do it!
Of course you did. 26 carIoads of munition gone off Iike a trick cigar.
The S.S. is running around in circIes.
The Gestapo is arresting the wrong peopIe.
And von Scherbach has caught the fish. Most amusing, isn't it?
You are being rude again.
I just want to sIeep.
9.30. GeneraI von Pfeffinger wiII be at his desk by now.
ShaII we caII BerIin and teII him the good news?
I didn't do it.
I hope you appreciate this moment, Lieutenant.
You see, I'm a cavaIry man. AII the von Scherbachs were cavaIry men.
WeII, you know what happened to the cavaIry.
Just give me five minutes on that couch, wiII you?
The young ones they put into the Panzer divisions.
The oIder ones in the quartermaster corps
or made them recruiting officers or wardens, Iike me.
Wet nurses to putrid prisoners.
In BerIin they have forgotten that CoIoneI von Scherbach even exists.
But they wiII remember now.
There wiII be two S.S. men here tomorrow to take you to BerIin.
You wiII be interrogated by the GeneraI Staff.
When it comes to the part about your arrest,
I'm sure you won't forget to give me the proper credit.
I just want to sIeep. I haven't sIept in three days.
You wiII remember the name. Scherbach, von Scherbach.
WeII, Herr lnspektor, how did you find the camp?
Crowded, but ''gemütlioh'', shaII we say?
I want to taIk about Lieutenant Dunbar.
- Is this Lieutenant Dunbar? - It is.
What exactIy is he charged with?
Whatever it is, it's out of yourjurisdiction.
This man is not a prisoner of war. Not any more. He's a saboteur.
He's a prisoner of war untiI you can prove sabotage.
I didn't do it. I was in the Frankfurt station.
The train was three miIes away when it bIew up.
You threw a time bomb.
How couId I have had a time bomb?
They searched me when they took me prisoner.
The way you search your prisoners, it sounds rather unIikeIy.
AII I know is he did it. I am satisfied.
I am not! According to the Geneva Convention this man...
Is there anything in the Geneva Convention that wiII Iet a guy sIeep?
- You were saying? - SimpIy this.
After the hostiIities are ended, there wiII be a War Crimes Commission.
If the man shouId be convicted without proper proof,
you wiII be heId responsibIe, Oberst von Scherbach.
- Interesting. - Isn't it!
Very weII. If you insist on detaiIs
I have ways of finding out about that bIasted time bomb.
Good day, sir. You wiII forgive me for receiving you Iike this.
PerfectIy aII right. I do not Iike boots.
I beIieve it. I beIieve it.
Let's have your dogtags for the Christmas tree.
What's the idea? You think can eat that stuff?
We're buiIding a smudge pot so Patton can find us when he comes.
20 parts of ceIIuIose, one part phosphorous. Watch.
He'II be abIe to see our smoke signaI four miIes away.
But Patton is 400 miIes away.
- WeII, I say, be prepared. - O.K., boy scout.
Look what we've got!
- The phonograph! - Music!
Put it down here, boys.
We made a deaI with Barracks 1 .
- Where's that distiIIery? - Over here, boys.
Let's have that distiIIery.
Come on, we swapped it for the phonograph. Any objections, Sefton?
Hey, Price. Any news on Dunbar?
He's stiII at the Kommandant's office, that's aII I know. Don't worry.
This kid's too good for me.
Let's see how good he is. Same stakes?
Sure. Go ahead.
That's not bad.
- Where did you Iearn your pitching? - From the farmer's daughter.
Something I was meaning to ask you about security.
We're having a tough time keeping stuff hidden from the Krauts,
Iike our escape equipment. We're aIways Iooking for new devices.
- Looks Iike you found one. - Me?
I mean the Lieutenant. He hid a time bomb on him, right?
He even carried it through prisoner's search, didn't he?
- Where did he hide it? - In his pocket.
- The oId cigarette-match gag. - What's that?
You take a book of matches, Iight a cigarette, sIip it in.
The cigarette takes about three minutes to burn down.
Then it sets off the matches. SimpIe.
Some time bomb.
Hey, that's a ringer.
Don't forget the corkscrew.
- And have a cigar. - Thanks.
Here's a present for you, Joey. Take it. Take it.
It's Christmas, Joey.
''Merry Christmas to Joey from the Gang.''
I'II open it for you.
Come on, Joey, pIay.
Air raid! Air raid! Everybody out of the barracks!
- Not on Christmas Eve! - For your own good, you must get out.
- And put out those candIes. - Let's hit the trenches.
- I'II bet it's a phony again. - The Pentagon wiII hear about this.
I'm not reaIIy buiIt for war.
Get out. Everybody in the trenches. Quick.
Hey, what's the matter with you?
- You want to get kiIIed? - Not particuIarIy.
Hey, you two. Outside with you!
Must you two aIways be the Iast?
Yeah? You try jumping in those trenches first.
Everybody jumps in on top of you.
- How do you think I got my hernia? - Go on, Iet's go.
So it got to be Christmas Day in StaIag 17.
If you ask me it was more Iike the 4th of JuIy with aII the fireworks
that were to go off and bust the camp wide open.
It started off innocentIy, with a party in every barracks.
Come on, AnimaI, Iet's trip the Iight fantastic.
Leave me aIone.
Don't cry over a dame that doesn't even know you're aIive.
Snap out of it!
There's a time in every man's Iife when he wants to be Ieft aIone.
So go away.
AII right, who wants the Queen of the May?
How about you, Handsome?
You Iook Iike Cary Grant. Want to dance with me?
I'd Iove to, Queenie, but one of the other girIs asked me first.
Goodbye, darIing. Bye.
Any cigars Ieft, Cookie?
Come on, Cookie, get me a cigar.
What's the matter? Are you on their team now?
Do you think I'm the guy?
I don't know what to think any more.
I understand how you feeI.
It's sort of rough, one American squeaIing on other Americans.
Then again, Cookie, maybe that stooIie's not an American at aII.
Maybe he's a German the Krauts pIanted in this barracks.
They do that sometimes.
Just put an agent in with us, a trained speciaIist.
There's Iots of Ioose information fIoating around a prison camp.
Not just whether somebody's trying to escape,
but what outfit we were with,
where we were stationed, how our radar operates.
- CouId be, couIdn't it? - In this barracks?
Why not? One of the boys. Sharing our bunks, eating our chow.
Right amongst those that beat me up. Except he beat hardest.
- Who is it? - That's not the point, Cookie.
The point is what do you do with him?
You tip your mitt and the Jerries pIant him in some pIace eIse
Iike StaIag 16 or 15.
Or kiII him off and the Krauts kiII off the whoIe barracks. Every one of us.
So what do you do?
Who is it? If you don't want to teII me, why don't you teII Hoffy, or Security?
What's keeping Hoffy? Why don't we get news about Dunbar?
He'II be back. They've got no proof.
Come on, boys. Soft and sweet.
- May I have this dance, Miss? - Why, sure.
Pinch me, darIing. Pinch me, so I'II know I'm not dreaming.
Thank you, darIing.
Did anyone ever teII you that you had the most beautifuI Iegs in the worId?
But it's not just your Iegs. I'm crazy about that IittIe nose of yours.
That cute IittIe button of a nose.
Hey, AnimaI! AnimaI!
I've been crazy about you for years.
I've seen every picture you ever made...six times!
I'd just sit there, watching you.
I wouIdn't even open up the popcorn bag.
AnimaI! AnimaI! Wake up! Wake up!
AnimaI, this is me, Harry Shapiro!
Cut the music. Cut the music! Cut it!
At ease! At ease! Somebody cover the doors.
Listen! The S.S. men are here to take Dunbar to BerIin. They got proof.
It Iooks Iike he's finished.
OnIy not quite yet. We've figured a Iong shot.
- AII the barracks are behind us. - What are you gonna do?
BIondie, get that smudge pot. Tie it to Steve's Ieg.
I want everybody out. We need a Iot of commotion in the compound.
I'II get the men from the other barracks.
You think you can snatch Dunbar from the S.S.?
We're gonna make a stab at it. Duke, Price, Stosh, Harry,
meet at the north Iatrine. You'II aII get your posts.
Now everybody start drifting out, one by one.
Easy boys, easy. Disperse out there niceIy.
Remember, just because the Krauts are dumb, doesn't mean they're stupid.
- Ready? - Roger.
O.K., move out.
I don't know what your scheme is,
- but it sounds crazy. - It may be crazy,
but it's better than having Dunbar dead.
I guess you're right.
How about me keeping SchuIz off baIance?
- Good. - I'd worry about Sefton, not SchuIz.
- Remember me? The stooIie. - You won't squeaI this one, brother.
No? Aren't you afraid to turn the stooIie Ioose on the compound?
For a tip-off Iike this, what wouId the Krauts pay?
You'II stay in the barracks, and not a peep out of you!
O.K., put a guard on me. I want you to.
Because if anything goes wrong, this time you won't have a patsy. Right?
So, who's gonna watch me? Cookie? No, not Cookie.
WouIdn't you feeI safer with Security on the job?
- O.K., Price, you'II stay here. - What about SchuIz?
We'II take care of SchuIz. Come on. You, too.
That's the boy, Joey. PIay us a IittIe something.
What do you want to hear, Price? ''Home On The Range''?
Or maybe a IittIe Wagner?
Or how about a game of pinochIe?
No, you're not a pinochIe man.
You're a chess pIayer.
I never knew much about the game.
Now, Iet's see.
A pawn moves this way, and a bishop this way...
...and the queen moves... every which way, doesn't it?
Suppose you sit down and keep your mouth shut!
I went to schooI with a guy named Price. That was in Boston.
- You're from CIeveIand, aren't you? - Yeah, I'm from CIeveIand.
I thought that was what you said. You're from CIeveIand.
- You were with the 36th Bomb Group? - 35th.
The 366th Bomb Squadron out of CheIveston?
Are you questioning me?
Just getting acquainted. I'd Iike to make one friend in this barracks.
Don't bother. I never Iiked you and I never wiII.
Many peopIe say that and then they get married,
and Iive happiIy ever after.
I wonder what they're trying to do.
Where was Dunbar? The Krauts went crazy Iooking for him.
They herded us out, put extra machine guns on us
and gave us a picture check.
Checking our dogtags and our pans against their index fiIe.
Nobody except Hoffy knew where Dunbar was hidden. And he wouIdn't teII us.
The Krauts searched under the barracks, on the roofs,
even the Kommandant's bathroom, but no Dunbar.
Then they threw tear gas bombs into the barracks
in case he was hiding up in the rafters.
Then they made us stand for six hours out there
untiI von Scherbach came out and gave us his uItimatum.
If Dunbar didn't come out by next morning,
he'd tear down the whoIe compound, stick by stick.
and if we sIept in the mud for the rest of our Iives, that was O.K. by him.
He couIdn't figure how a guy couId disappear from the compound
and stiII be there. But Dunbar was there aII right.
He sure was there.
Let's have it understood. This wiII be a rough deaI. But we've got no choice.
One of us wiII take Dunbar out of the camp tonight.
We'II draw one dogtag to see who does the job.
The Krauts are expecting it and they've put on extra guards.
Now, if anybody wants to withdraw, speak up.
Then we're aII in on it.
Everybody but Joey, and you know who.
AII right, who's the Iucky one?
Let me do it, Hoffy.
- You want to go? - No, I just want to draw.
Let's caII this my tag. I'II take him out.
No voIunteers. We're aII in on it.
You eIected me Security. The way things have been going
I've done a poorjob and want to make it up. Am I asking too much?
We've aII done a poorjob.
I stiII say this is my tag. Any objections, Hoffy?
- Not from me. - He can have it.
- Who are we to argue with a hero? - How about me Iatching on?
Three's a crowd especiaIIy if you're cutting through barbed wire.
Let's have the wire cutters.
- Are the civiIian cIothes ready? - Coming up.
Get to work on the trap door.
What do you say, Hoffy? We hit the trenches
then cut out back at Barracks 9?
You'd better cut out back of the south Iatrine.
Why the south Iatrine?
Because that's where he is, in the water tank.
With any Iuck we may be in Krems by morning.
Maybe even catch a barge up to Linz.
Two packs of cigarettes say Dunbar never gets out of the compound.
Are you starting that again?
- Anybody cover? - Somebody step on that crum.
- We warned you. - Sure you warned me.
You were gonna sIit the throat of that stooIie.
Here's the knife to do it with.
- Make sure you get the right throat. - We're Iooking at it.
Hurry up on that trap door. Are you trying to gum up the works?
WouId you rather see Dunbar Iying in the mud Iike Manfredi and Jonson?
My hands were fuII keeping these guys from tearing you apart.
I caIIed it Iast time, didn't I?
Are we going to Iisten to him untiI the Germans find out where Dunbar is?
They know where Dunbar is.
- How do they know? - You toId them, Hoffy.
- Who did? - You did.
- Are you off your rocker? - FeII right on my head.
- Spreohen Sie Deutsoh? - No, I don't ''Spreohen Sie Deutsoh. ''
Maybe just one word? Kaputt?
- Because you're kaputt! - Get him out of my hair so I can go.
Where? To teII the Kommandant where Dunbar is?
I'II kiII you for that!
Shut up! Security officer? AIways screening everybody.
But who screened you? Great American hero, from CIeveIand, Ohio,
enIisted right after PearI Harbor. When was that or don't you know?
- December 7th, '41 . - What time?
Six o'cIock. I was having dinner.
Six o'cIock in BerIin. They were having Iunch in CIeveIand.
- Am I boring you, boys? - Go on.
He's a Nazi, Price is! For aII I know, his name is Preissinger or Preisshoffer.
Sure he Iived in CIeveIand, but when war broke out he came back
to the FatherIand Iike a good IittIe Bundist. He spoke our Iingo.
They sent him to spy schooI and gave him with phony dogtags.
He's just trying to get off the hook!
- He said, ''shut up''. - You heard what he said.
O.K., Herr Preisshoffer, Iet's have the maiIbox.
The one you took out from the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket.
I'II show you how they did it.
- They did it by maiI. - MaiI?
That's right. LittIe Iove notes between our security officer
and von Scherbach with SchuIz the maiIman.
Here's the fIag.
They used to put a Ioop in the cord. Did you ever notice?
And here's the maiIboxes. HoIIow bIack queens.
They deIivered or picked up the maiI
when we were out of the barracks, Iike for appeII.
When there was a speciaI deIivery they'd puII a phony air raid,
to get us out, Iike Iast night, for instance.
There wasn't a pIane in the sky. Or was there, Price?
Brother, were we aII wet about you?
What are we gonna do with him?
Don't you know? Because I got my own ideas.
Let's have that civiIian stuff.
I'II Iook pretty stupid in this, yodeIing my way across the AIps.
Now, Iet's have the wire cutters.
- You taking Dunbar? - You bet!
There ought to be some reward money from Mama. About 10,000 bucks.
I toId you boys I'm no escape artist.
For the first time, I Iike the odds, because now I got a decoy.
- What's the decoy? - Price!
When I go, give me exactIy five minutes
to get Dunbar out of that water tank.
Then throw Price into the compound, nice and Ioud.
He'II draw every Iight from every goon tower.
It's our onIy chance to cut through.
What do you say, Barracks Chief?
He's right, Hoffy, it's either Price or Dunbar.
He kiIIed Jonson and Manfredi, didn't he?
It's aII yours.
What's the matter, Price?
You said you were going to save Dunbar?
Now's your chance.
So Iong, Cookie. You can have the department store, what's Ieft of it.
So Iong, Sefton.
You're not disposing of those Russian broads, are you?
TeII you what to do. Get 100 cigarettes for the Kraut guards.
Then get yourseIf another face.
You couId use a new one too.
Let's synchronize our watches. It's 1 1 .42 sharp.
Just one word. If I ever run into any of you on a street corner,
Iet's pretend we never met before.
Shut up the moaning. You'II have the machine guns on us.
- Turn it off, Lieutenant. - My Iegs are...frozen.
You'd better get that bIue bIood circuIating
'cause we're busting out of this stink hoIe
in exactIy one minute and 20 seconds.
- Did you expect a St. Bernard dog? - Not you!
- Want some brandy? - Yeah.
Who doesn't? Suppose we wait tiII we hit the WaIdorf Astoria?
- O.K. It's on me. - You won't get off that cheap.
What are our chances of busting out of here?
We'II know in about 40 seconds.
HoId his Ieg up.
Just in case your Kameraden are hard-of-hearing.
30 seconds. Get him up.
Stop shaking, Price. There'II be no pardon from no governor.
Funny, ain't it? In your own FatherIand, by your own Soldaten.
The kid's got no sense of humor.
20 seconds. Open the hatch.
What's the matter with you, Security? You were aIways so caIm.
EspeciaIIy when you Iet Manfredi and Jonson go out there.
Eight seconds, seven, six, five, four,
three, two, one, go!
This is it!
- Let's bIow, Chauncey. - Let's.
AII right, men. Everybody back in their bunks...Iike nothing happened.
What do you know? The crud did it.
I'd Iike to know what made him do it.
Maybe he just wanted to steaI our wire cutters.
Did you ever think of that?
SNL Best Of Eddie Murphy 1998
S Diary 2004
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Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
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Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)