TLF - The In-Laws
You will see that her fingerprint matches exactly.
That's very nice. Very, very, nice.
when will your buyer have the money?
He should have the money within a week.
You will do it in four days.
Four days. That's Sunday.
I've got something going on on Sunday.
Uh, Sunday will be fine. I'll work out my schedule. I'll juggle it. Not to worry.
One more thing.
If I come to America with Olga, you think you can get me tickets to Celine Dion?
I will not only get you tickets, I will get you backstage. And if we're really lucky, you'll have coffee with her, okay? All right?
Well, there's your guys. See you in four days?
How'd it go?
Well, I had a minor snag.
Eh, I would've liked to have gotten in a double twist before the blow-up.
Heads up, babe.
Anytime. Y-You got any gum?
Uh, put your thumb in there.
Cherkasov wants to do the deal on Sunday.
The wedding's on Sunday.
I knew that!
I wouldn't forget my only son's wedding. We'll just have to juggle.
Don't think of it as a problem.
Think of it as an opportunity for a solution
So have you met the bride's family yet?
No. I'm a little worried about that. About what?
Well, the father. He's a doctor.
You know how they are. They think they're better than all the rest of us.
He's probably a brain surgeon or something.
I need you to listen to me carefully now because it's getting very, very serious.
Uh-huh. All right.
Now the fungus on your toes is coming back.
Are you putting the powder in your shoes? Are you using the cream at night?
If a piano was falling on your head, you move out of the way "sometimes"?
It's a fungus. I wasn't worried.
Start worrying! It doesn't hurt to worry!
Doctor Peyser, your daughter's here.
Oh. I'll be right back.
What'd you want?
The Mortons are bringing their children now.
You know their eight-year-old, Irwin?
He has a shoe fetish.
So I had them at the table with Uncle Bemie and Aunt Thelma, but I think this is a problem.
Thelma was beaten up in a shoe store.
So I don't want to put them together. So I'm gonna move Bemie and Thelma to the twelve-step table.
Fine. Whatever. Whatever you want, Dad. I just don't want you to be too anxious about the seating chart.
No, I'm fine. I just want the best wedding in the world, that's all.
And Marc's only requirement is that his parents are at separate tables facing away from each other and out of earshot.
Yeah, I know.
And don't forget, his dad's coming over at seven tonight.
Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it.
Marc swears he'll be there this time.
Well, I'm making a veal.
Okay, I'll, uh, sign off on this and fax it to the new caterer and we're done.
Uh... The new caterer?
Yeah, you know that.
Daddy, you fired another caterer?
Well, they weren't caterers. That was a man and his wife and-and lettuce.
Okay. That's fine. I didn't even want a caterer I just wanted six people and a beach, but...
this is what you want. This is the wedding you'll remember.
Thank you, Dad.
Get the beach out of your head. It's overrated! You'll be standing there in front of an E. Coli sign!
Ah, shit. We got a fire in number one again.
Got any halon left?
We're losing altitude.
Coming up on Nova Scotia.
Where do we stand with Thibodoux?
You're meeting with his person tonight in Chicago.
I can't meet with him tonight! I've got the in-laws for dinner. I've blown them off three times already.
I can meet with Thibodoux's person and you can do the parent thing.
No, no, no. You're not ready yet.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Who got you into this business? I taught you everything you know. When you're ready, you can take the lead.
I'll figure it out tonight. I'll just, uh, improvise.
Okay, here we go!
Mayday, Mayday! Lear Niner-Whiskey-Mike approaching Cape Breton
And this is when Melissa went bungee jumping.
She's so crazy.
Was that my dad?
Your father seems to be working all the time.
I mean, I had no idea selling X erox machines was so demanding.
Oh, it's a wild ride. Yeah. But he loves it.
I have an announcement to make!
The glaze on the veal is now a laminate!
It's like a plastic jacket.
He doesn't usually cook.
Oh. He can't handle the pressure.
I'd just like to know what day we're gonna eat!
Oh! He's here.
Here we go.
I am sorry! I am so sorry! My apologies!
Engine trouble! Mea culpa! Mea culpa to the tenth power...
Are you Katherine?
Oh, my God! Marc said you were gorgeous but he didn't do you justice.
Come here. Come here. All right.
Oh, well, thank you
Oh... Nice to see you! Thank you!
Hello, beautiful. How are you?
Hey, how are you
Oh, good to see you. Hiya, buddy. Hey, glad you could make it. Sorry, business.
Aw, it's all right
No. She'll be at the rehearsal dinner
Boy, do you have a beautiful house here.
What is that, veal jerky
We passed "jerky" about an hour ago
Oh, this has gotta be the doctor
That's all right.
Oh, come here. Come on.
No, no, no, no, no. No, I don't like this.
Well, thank you, Jer.
I don't need your watch. I've already got my own right here.
What are you talking about?
How did you do that?
I love magic tricks
Oh! That's wonderful
Hah. That's so cool!
Good stuff, huh
Breaks the ice a little bit, huh? Gets that party going
All right. Well, that's very entertaining
Yeah, Dad, does he get the watch back?
Of course he's gonna get the watch back! I just feel terrible about the meal so dinner is on me! He who is tardy pays for the party, okay?
Jer, Kathy, what do you feel like? Ethnic food
This place is gonna knock your socks off.
I'm just gonna meet you inside okay? Dad, can I have a second with you over here?
At least the dog looks fresh.
Just relax, honey.
The whole schmoozy salesman thing?
Yeah, how's that playing?
Let's just take it down a notch.
Yeah, okay, I got ya. Thanks.
Good evening and welcome to Quan Lee. Table for five?
Are you full tonight?
Expecting to be any moment, sir.
Hey! Hey, Steve!
Oh, Uh, this is Quan Lee. He's the owner of the place here.
Quan Lee and I did some, uh copy-related work in Vietnam together, right?
Katherine, why don't you sit over here?
He had a copier with a paper slot that was choked with paper.
So I destroyed the copier.
Oh, Dad's always got great stories.
Tastes like beer, but it's got an incredible buzz.
Hm, this guy gets around.
He's chased across Prague by Interpol in the moming has dinner with U.S. contacts that night!
So have you ever been to Vietnam?
No, but we hear it's lovely.
Jerry prefers to stay in one place. He... had an anxiety attack watching an airline commercial once.
Honey, I did not have an anxiety attack.
And if I remember correctly, that airline is now out of business so, thank you very much!
Jer, I'm with you. I like to be in control. I like to be right there in the driver's seat.
In which case, pray you're not a passenger.
Marc doesn't like the way I drive.
I mean, am I wrong? I look at traffic signals as sort of a suggestion.
Well, in that case, you would be wrong.
The guy on the left.
Just a sec.
You got him?
I've got no I.D.
He could be deep cover.
Would you like me to bring you some arm extenders with that, Mister Steve?
No, I'm fine, thank you. I'm just, uh, I'm stretching.
Uh, we'll have the, uh, house special, please.
Let-let me check with her, make sure they do it right.
But-but whatever you bring out extra hot, bring out mild too.
Can we hold this off for about two hours?
I have to wire my employer in thirty minutes.
Hey, Jer, wait till you see the special. You are gonna flip out.
We're very excited.
I can't wait.
Hey, Jer, you all right? You haven't even touched your food.
Uh, my food is still eating.
Well, I think it's time for a toast.
...seems like, you know yesterday you were just starting school and...
What was the name of that school?
Horton. Horton, yeah. Sorry.
I should have gotten there a little more often, but, uh...
...look at you now.
Out of law school, working with a brand new firm...
...about to marry this beautiful girl.
Where'd the time go, man?
I gotta go to the john.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, you haven't even tasted it.
I might as well eat Barbara Walters.
Oh, I'm going to the bathroom.
I don't like to be kept waiting.
You know we're hot?
If we're going to do this, we have to do it now. Take it out.
Should I put it in?
I'll do it.
Very well. Good old Olga.
She's in pretty good shape for a twenty-year-old runaway.
Where is she exactly?
I'll tell you when I get the money.
Bring the proof to Monsieur Thibodoux. I'll wire him now, tell him you check out.
I'm not going to France. I just came back from Europe. I'm barely adjusted to the time change. This deal has gotta go down by Sunday.
If you are not serious about brokering a deal for Olga...
I am serious...
You're not a stall-peeper, are you?
Because they got a website for guys like you. You know, I think you oughta take it online.
Actually... I dropped a quarter and... It's not in there?
I don't need it. I'm all right.
Yeah, could I do this alone?
You're not centered.
Would you mind? I... It's too close for me. I have a... shy bladder and... Oh, great. Talk to me on day six.
Hey, Jer. You still here? Oh, you got that-that shy bladder thing, huh? Well, that's, uh, that's pretty common.
Buddy, you mind? My friend here is trying to take a pee...
Well, well. What do we have here, huh?
I'll come back.
No, you stay where you are, Jer.
his man's just about to leave.
What is this? I mean, what? Look, next...
...time I see a woman in the men's room, I'm calling management, all right?
Can you believe this?
That's it! We're going home. The wedding is off.
Dad, what are you talking about?
Jerry, what happened?
He just beat up a guy in the bathroom!
When he wasn't even going to the bathroom in the bathroom to begin with!
Dad, you're going insane!
I'm already there.
I got it.
Ooh, an unconscious person. You must be working.
The first thing I noticed about the guy is he supinates!
Well, why would his shoes show medial heel erosion? Only pronators have that! Never mind, it's technical.
Marc is a wonderful guy, but this is too much for me to handle!
Fine! Don't marry Marc! I will!
Don't "Jerry" me now. Let's go.
Honey, let's go, let's go, let's go.
I tried to push this thing till...
Look, it's bad enough that you screwed up your personal life. I'm not gonna let you screw up mine.
Listen, I'll make this up to you.
No-no-no-no-no! No, no. You listen. Don't apologize to me. Apologize to them.
You fix this. You fix this.
Okay. I hear you.
I'm sorry about my father.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry about my father.
Thanks. I have an idea!
Let's you and me leave town immediately! Let's escape our wedding.
There's no escaping.
Isn't this supposed to be about us?
Oh, sweet, funny, whimsical Melissa. Weddings aren't about the bride and groom.
There he is! He's inside, let's move! Go!
Hey! Get that out!
Now some doctors like to operate but I believe in exhausting all nonsurgical techniques first.
This gentleman, however, will need surgery.
Oh, I'm sorry. That is my fault. I should've told you that privately.
It slipped out. It's not a big deal. At worst, you'd lose a toe.
Oh, my God.
It rarely happens.
All right, gorgeous, you arrange for the plane and I'll be right back.
Are you sure about this? We've got the FBI on us like trailer trash on Velveeta.
Yeah. No, I, uh, promised Marc. Besides, I owe the guy an apology.
Okay, guys, let's try and keep a low profile.
Since we're talking about the sesamoid bones, let's see their role in the deformity anatomically
known as hallux abducto valgus or what? The...
The bunion... What are you doing here?
Listen to you. You're Mister Medical Authority.
I asked you on the telephone not to come here! I don't want to see you again.
I just wanted to apologize and make sure that you don't have any problem with me that would interfere with the wedding.
Oh, there's not going to be a wedding.
Uh, would you like us to step outside, sir?
No, I wouldn't.
Do you know what a remarkable teacher you have here?
This man was chosen Chicago's Podiatrist of the Year three years in a row! So let's give him a hand! Huh?
Would you please leave right now?
Five minutes, a cup of coffee. I just want to iron out a couple of things.
If I give you five minutes, will you leave me alone forever?
Of course I will.
I need five minutes. All right? Just relax. I'll be right back
This is where I work. I don't bother you when you're in the bathroom with your hookers.
Wha-what are you talking about?
Oh, please! Olga, the twenty-year-old runaway!
What are you doing? That...
No more magic tricks.
No, Jer... No, Jer, Jer. Y-You don't to... No, Jer!
What-what happened? What is that?
I said freeze!
How'd it go?
Patch things up with the family?
Well, not really.
You took my picture?
Jerome Allen Peyser, two-hundred Rector Place. Subject was apprehended in possession of nine-point-four milliliters of fissile nuclear waste.
Yeah, right! Next you're gonna tell me you've never heard of Olga.
The twenty-year-old runaway.
Hey, I don't know what that means! I overheard it! Listen, I'm a foot doctor!
I want a name. What's your name? I want names!
Hutchins! Now I get to ask a question. Where'd you get that canister from? This man?
That's the guy! That's who I got it from!
The homeless guy?
Great. An arms dealer and a smart-ass!
Arms dealer? What happened to pimp?
Well, fine! You're a pimp, too!
No, I'm nothing! It's him!
And the meter maid is the hostess!
Nobody is who they are here!
It sounds like you're tripping on drugs, pal.
Look, he's talking to me!
God, don't be such a pussy!
Don't call me a pussy! You just made me radioactive with your fissile nuclear waste in my pocket!
Bet you never said that sentence before in your life, Jer.
Of course, 'cause I don't even know what it means!
Some things you shouldn't know. Thanks.
You probably gave me leukemia!
Oh, you're gonna befine. Now hop in.
I'm not, I'm not hopping anywhere with you!
Jer, we are family and don't make me do something I don't wanna do.
We're not family! There's not gonna be a mar... I'm going! I'm going!
Tight! It's a Cushman! It goes five miles an hour. continues under following scene Now, you hold on tight.
Not this one.
Listen, while I got you here, I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry I had to drag you through all of this.
Okay, wait a minute!
Is that a fanny pack?
What's so funny?
This isn't funny! There's a girl!
Stop this! Stop the little thing!
Jer, I'm worried about you. You just don't look good. Let me get you a glass of water.
So what's the plane situation? Am I gonna make it to Thibodoux's in time or not?
It shouldn't be a problem. You have tailwinds over the East Coast. He's expecting you at three. Look, you want me with you there, I can rejig.
Here you go, Jer.
No, I need you here. I want to make sure Cherkasov is okay with the Chicago drop. Jer!
Jer. Don't go there, Jer.
Jer, you're really gonna have to work on your listening skills.
Mister X erox! Well, a great supply of copiers you have here!
I like the one shaped like a rocket launcher. Does it collate?
Is that a fanny pack?
It's cute, isn't it?
I'm riveted. Go on.
Yeah, it's a fanny pack. I'm a doctor, something you know nothing about!
I have a phone in here, and a pager, and some Loma Doones in case I get hungry.
And I also have a personal attack alarm and if you come near me again I'm gonna use it!
She slapped me!
Did you like it?
So just tell me what you are. You're a smuggler? A pimp? You deal in Russian runaways?
Yeah, we're all those things and more. We are deep undercover.
We're the CIA.
Great, now we have to kill him.
Aw, Anj. Enough already, huh?
I'm gonna go salvage what's left of my personal life.
I don't believe anything you're saying.
Well, maybe it's better that way. The one thing you should know is that we are the good guys.
Okay, well, look, I didn't see anything. I'll never tell a soul. So take me home and I'm done.
We'll talk about it on the plane.
I don't fly. There's no plane.
Doctor, do you know what a roofie is?
Yeah, I know what a roofie is. Frat boys give them to girls at parties.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, don't rape me...
We're on a plane!
Yes, we are and you're doing quite well, I might add. I'm making myself an omelet. You hungry?
I feel sick.
Yeah, I wanted to ask you, how'd that stuff work out that I put in your drink?
Gives you a hell of a kick doesn't it?
People say they wake up so refreshed.
You gave me a roofie!
There's nobody flying!
No, Gulfstream Five, top of the line. This baby flies itself.
This one, I think, belongs to Barbra Streisand. What kind of omelet fillings you want?
You stole Barbra Streisand's plane?
I borrowed it, all right? It's not exactly like we're going to the Bahamas or anything. I mean, this is official business.
I'm gonna throw up!
Bathroom's right behind me.
You know, I'm really proud of you, Jer. You know, I think you really conquered this flying thing. You're my hero.
You have dialed an invalid country code.
Okay, Marc is su-such a wonderful guy.
And you are so lucky.
I'm gonna get so drunk!
I'm totally fine! I fall all the time, you guys. I fall every day.
Melissa, it's your father!
H-honey? Dad, I can't hear anything. You're breaking up.
Honey. Honey. I'll take it, take it
Katherine! I am in the bathroom of Barbra Streisand's airplane.
Steve is taking me to France.
Honey, your father's going to France with Barbra Streisand!
I'm not going to France with Barbra Streisand!
So what's she like? Is she nice?
She's not here!
I love Barbra Streisand.
They're taking me against my will!
Jerry, this doesn't make any sense at all.
These things don't have to make sense, Katherine. Call everyone! All the authorities!
Do it now!
Is Melissa okay? She said something to me in the office. I'm worried about her. Put-put her back on the phone.
Hey, Jer, you fall in?
Yeah, I did. I fell in.
I'll be out in a minute.
Mom, can you come here for a minute?
Oh, no. This is about the tax retum, isn't it?
You ever been to France, Jer?
I-I-I think we're flying way too low.
Well, we gotta stay under the radar. It makes things a little less complicated.
Yeah, but this is just too low!
So let me tell you about this guy we're gonna see.
His name is Jean-Pierre Thibodoux.
Now he is a smuggler of the worst kind. But not to worry, all right?
We're just going in and out.
Gotta pick up a hundred and seventy million dollars. Hopefully broker a deal where I can, you know, bust both the buyer and the seller. Put 'em in jail.
You're getting a hundred and seventy million dollars?
Yeah. It's chump-change for a guy like that. Once he's got Olga, I mean, he can control the black market in the U.S., Russia and the Middle East.
So everybody wants this Olga.
Oh, my God. Oh, no. What's this shaking?
What is that? That's too much!
Do you know anything about flying a G-Five?
That's not funny!
No, I'm serious, Jer. There's... there's something wrong here!
What are you doing? Why are you banging that?
Oh! Do... do you know how you put the landing gear down in this?
You don't know where the landing gear is? How can you not know that?
I got you so good, didn't I, Jer?
My husband couldn't possibly be buying a...
Could you please repeat that?
A stealth nuclear submarine. Missing since nineteen ninety-eight.
The commander of the fleet, one Alexei Cherkasov, now a kingpin with the Russian mob has been selling off stolen military equipment
This is his big-ticket item.
And we found a sample of her fissile nuclear waste in your husband's possession.
Uh, each submarine emits a kind of radioactive waste which bears a unique imprint to that particular sub. A proof of possession, if you will.
You guys, m-my dad wouldn't buy a Russian sub. I mean, he won't even buy a foreign car!
Place is clean.
Hm. Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Guys, let's go
When I opened the door, I thought they were strippers!
So I'm in France because of submarine piss.
Yeah, it's nutty, isn't it?
Think what you'll be able to tell your grandchildren. Of course, you'll be swom to secrecy so you won't be able to, but...
Who're these guys?
(in French) Bonjour,? A va?
Hi, how are you? Nice hair.
I don't understand something.
Why would a smuggler want a...
Large, armed, virtually undetectable transport vehicle?
So he moves drugs, munitions, everything. World falls apart, this guy makes a fortune.
(in French) Bonjour. Bonjour,? A va?
I see a lot of guns.
Did you ever think it's because you wanna see the guns, Jer? I mean, I look around, I see birds, flowers, beautiful girls. The cup is half full.
You know, you've got to stop, smell the roses. Arms up.
Please be careful. I have very sensitive underarms. I just don't...
Don't do that! Please! Please!
By the way, this fanny pack comes from France.
Look at you! You're just an old guy pretending to be a little kid.
Take a good look, boys. I've been known to shoot tranq-darts from myknees.
The brace is for getting through metal detectors. Distracts them from the knife in my shoe.
Jean-Pierre! Come on.
One little thing I almost forgot. I've been known to travel with some dangerous types, so he might think that you're an arms dealer,
you know, or a deadly assassin.
So you just play along with it. Okay?
What? Just play along at being a deadly as...
Silent, but deadly.
But, we must hold our introduction.
Please, gentlemen, walk with me.
This man was caught stealing from me.
Uh, were this one year ago, I would torture him to death. But, I have made some personal growth. You notice it, right?
Well, I noticed right off the bat, Jean-Pierre.
Yeah, well, I'm calmer now. I am more centered. I spent some time with Deepak Chopra.
He wrote "Molecules of Emotion" and "Natural Healing for Anxiety and Depression."
I have leamed how to forgive.
Run for your life!
Well, I, I know I need to do more work on myself.
You're doing great, J.P.
I did not get your name.
You don't know who this guy is?
The Fat Cobra
Well, I am honored.
And I hope we shall get to know each other better.
Exactly who am I?
A legendary crime leader known only as the Fat Cobra.
So... what does that refer to? A snake? Slithery? Venomous? What?
Uh, no, not exactly. It refers to...
Your contact will meet the seller in Chicago on Sunday.
Then he'll give him Olga's location.
It was Nova Scotia on Wednesday.
It's Chicago on Sunday. What do you want from me? Uh, I'm the middleman here.
One hundred and seventy in cash and bearer bonds.
But I don't usually hand over cash before first seeing the merchandise.
Oh, J.P., who gave you the rocket launchers last month on credit?
How long have we known each other? Years!
All right, I trust you.
Besides, if you try to screw me, I will kill you and everyone you've ever met.
That's great, huh? That's great... Ow, shit, that knee! So you wanna wait here while I count the money or you two wanna take a walk?
We'll wait here. Oh.
No! I would love nothing more than to share a drink with the legendary Fat Cobra.
I have bad knees. Grab a chair for me.
Those mosquitoes are bad this time of year
So you're buying a submarine.
Well, that'll be nice.
Wonderful. Now I can take anything anywhere. Cocaine, nuclear devices. Whatever you want, I will move it.
That's terrific. We just got another Towne Car.
Please make yourself comfortable.
Okay. We're gonna lay here together? Uh.
Oh, thank you.
To Fat Cobra... in the flesh.
So tell me, how many kills do you have?
People think we are insane.
But they don't know the joy of holding a man's beating heart in the palm of your hand.
that's a good feeling.
Let's take a walk.
Uh, no, I... I walked too much today.
Besides, I have a little pain here behind my ankle.
Let me take a look at it.
What do you mean?
I'm a foot person.
Just like me.
All right, tell me something here. Is it tender right... there?
You have plantar fasciitis in the heel.
You should go soak that.
Did you say "soak?"
I-I didn't mean soak the whole body.
I'll grab a bathing suit. Which would you like, American or French?
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna kill you! Kill you!
Shh. That's great! Great, Jerry
You're getting into character. Now I gotta download his client list and find out what he's smuggling and where it's traveling to, so keep him looking the other way!
Did you hear what he's calling me? Did you hear that! Fat Cobra!
...l- I have to talk to you.
No, wait! Bu-bu-bu...! Um, I can't go in there with you, but I'm happy to watch.
It's, I have, like, a childhood problem...
...disease. Sort of rare.
I-I...I'm not waterproof. My skin will let in water. So I can't be in a situation where I-I sub-submerse myself.
So as a child, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even play with a hose.
You know the Slip 'n Slides?
I-I cou- Couldn't have that.
And, uh, even snow cones.
But anyway, if I got in there and it happened, then I could really get sick.
In other words, what would happen is the water goes all the way through the skin, 'cause I got a... I got what (on) they, what they call "wet bone."
I'm curious to know more about "wet bone."
Well, the money's all there, huh! You okay? You're looking a little dizzy.
I'm married. You're married?
Yeah, I'm married.
Well, actually, we're separated.
Okay, I killed her.
Well, my wife is still very much alive.
It's very nice to have a wife.
But as a man, there are certain things I can only do with other men.
No, I am not gay!
It's just, occasionally I need... the company... of a man.
Just 'cause I'm big, it doesn't mean I'm easy.
Excuse me. Excuse me. I don't want to interrupt. Just wanted to tell you the money's good, and I talked to the supplier and he'll be there on Sunday.
Would you guys like me to go?
We're done! That was a good soak and I thank you very much.
Intemational operator. Hurry, hurry, hurry
Could you hold, please? Excuse me!
Peyser is on line one. He's crazed. Something about Steve Tobias and the Fat Cobra.
It's Doctor Peyser!
You are in a great deal of trouble. Where you calling from?
How could I be in trouble? I didn't do anything! Steve Tobias gave me that-that fissile waste!
Did you say Steve Tobias?
He's one of you guys, right?
Mister Peyser, this is the FBI. Tobias was with the CIA, but he was let go. He's a rogue agent.
What does that mean?
He went bad.
He's mentally unstable and extremely dangerous! And what's this about the Fat Cobra?!
Please, I'm innocent. Why don't you come tonight? We're gonna be in Chicago at eight o'clock at the Marriott Marquis.
We're in the Eleanor Roosevelt Function Room.
There's no Eleanor Roosevelt Function Room at that hotel.
One of the Roosevelts!
Who you talking to?
Just an operator. Nobody.
Are you lying to me, Jer? Because that'll upset me. You don't want to upset me.
No, no. No, I don't.
Good. So let's get going, huh?
Last one to the plane's gonna take a hundred and seventy mil through Customs.
Look, I'm used to dealing with Doctor Peyser, okay? What do you have to do with this affair?
Nothing. I'm the bride.
Ah, congratulations. Now what do you want me to do with the spray of freesia?
Hey, buddy, I'll show you where you can put the spray of freesia. Okay?
Gloria, what'd you do with the, um, table card seat assignment thingies?
Oh, what thingies? I'm a little muzzy. I think the devil's playing drums in my head.
That better be my dad.
That would be me.
Where are you? Melissa's, uh, just really freaking out and her dad's not even here and he's the one who planned the whole thing.
No, he's right here. He's... fine, uh. Listen, buddy, I want to give you the heads-up on something. Um...
...we've changed the location of the rehearsal dinner. We're gonna meet you at the Signature Room at the Hancock Tower instead of the Marriott.
You moved the rehearsal dinner?
Well, the Hancock Tower owed us a favor and they'll set us up really nice.
So if you get there before I do and there's any kind of problem, you ask for Artie.
Reference the Alabaster incident. He'll know exactly what you're talking about.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry about this, buddy, but it's important.
And this isn't?
Now, you gotta trust me on this, all right? Have I ever let you down?
Well, as a matter of fact...
Don't answer that.
I'll make it up to you
Oh, what was the name of that song you guys sung at that Karaoke club on your first date?
What? I... Uh, "Get Down Tonight" by, uh, K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Why?
I was just curious.
I'll talk to you later.
So you went and called the FBI.
I know all about you now. You're a liar. You lie about everything.
I did not lie to you, Jer. I do not lie to family. Don't call me family! We're not family!
He did what? It's fine. You know, he switches things around sometimes for his work.
How could he just go and do that? Because he's Steve Tobias. And Steve Tobias is an emotional fascist.
But I-I'd like tosay something. Just because I hate Mark's father, it's not going to be uncomfortable here at the wedding.
Oh, hi, honey. Mm. Oh, I'm so happy to be here. And I'm so proud of you.
And finally, the daughter I never had. Oh. You complete me. You know, Mark was supposed to be a girl.
Oh, and this is Po Po. Po Po? Hi.
He's doing the ceremony with the rabbi! He is?
The Signature Room? Hm. What happened to the Marriott. It's closer to the ground. Come on.
The Signature Room. I've always wanted to come here, but Jerry gets vertigo.
Thank you so much for the surprise.
This would be Steve's doing. He doesn't have a soul, so he has to compensate by making extravagant gestures.
Well, marriage is difficult
But we had fantastic sex. Fantastic, angry, crazy, crazy, crazy sex.
Your dad must sell a lot of toner.
Roosevelt! This is it!
Got Carlucci! He found them. They're over at the Hancock Tower.
Peyser set us up! Son of a bitch! I want the whole unit regrouped downstairs in two minutes! Let's go!
You're doing great, Jer! First an airplane, now one of the tallest buildings in the world! I'm proud of you.
Has the elevator stopped?
It's too high!
Well, what's this?
My collapsible cup.
You're a piece of work, Jer.
If it's tap water let it run at least twenty seconds!
Daddy, where the hell have you been? First you plan this whole thing without me and then you disappear when it's coming together!
I don't know anyone here! Honey, I'm sorry. I went to France. It wasn't (off) my fault.
I just want everything to be wonderful, that's all.
Hi! Oh, my God. Hi! I'm trying to. No.
Why didn't you wear that other dress? No? We have to do shots! Shots! Shots! No.
Jerry! Hi! Oh. Are you okay?
No! Th-The FBI came to the house!
It's Steve! I talked to them. He's a rogue agent. He's unstable!
He-he's a rogue X erox agent? No! No! CIA!
Oh. I'm lucky to be here. I had a roofie! I was on a plane!
That's right, you flew! I, oh, I did. I did fly! Isn't that something?
The thing is, you gotta go private. Yeah.
Oh, God. Oh, there you are
Judy, Judy, Judy! How are you? You look... great.
It's the work at the ashram. Ah. And the therapy. Really? And several powerful prescription drugs.
I'm kidding about the drugs.
Oh. Or am I?
At any rate, let's give ourselves permission to be honest with each other so that we can have some closure this weekend.
Question: Why do you enjoy moving rehearsal dinners and having everyone hate you?
Another question: On your birthday, why do you always end up in the bathtub in the fetal position clutching a firearm?
Oh, and one more: Why did you always weep like a little girl during orgasm?
Answer to all of the above: Fear of intimacy!
Judy... You're heading for a crash, Steve Tobias. Into a mountain called self-awareness.
You have been running away from yourself your whole life. No, I have not. I've been running away from you!
Because I'm the only one that's got your number!
Let's go! Hurry.
Well, you're here... and you seem fine.
I seem fine? Have you heard nothing?
hat, am I not talking English? This is fine to you?
Hey, hey! Katherine, hi!
How are you?
Get away from me. I brought you your water.
Come on, let's go.
Get help! Get some help!
Let's do it!
Oh, what the hell is this? I said, "Signature Room!"
I did! I swear!
Look, there are only three buttons.
Is this not a beautiful evening?
Well, I stand before you this evening as a very, very happy man.
Not only has the Almighty seen fit to provide me with a beautiful new daughter...
...but I am blessed with this man here on my left. A man who has given so much to so many.
A man who has a taste for adventure...
This is your... father, right?
Dad? My dad
Is that somebody else
...who is willing totry new things...
Damn it! Let's take the stairs! Now!
...but most importantly, a man who I know will always be close in my heart.
A manwho I...
He is mentally ill!
No, I mean it, he's dangerous!
Listen, he gave me a roofie!
He took me on a plane to France!
Yeah! I took him to France! Ouit! Oui! Oui! Oui!
Stop it! He's a rogue agent! He works for the other side!
Well, enough of the hearts and flowers, huh?
We're here to have a good time, right?
Here we go!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome K.C. and the Sunshine Band!
Oh, my God.
Honey, this is the song we sang on our first date!
Baby... I know. I know.
You are one slick bastard!
Look, leave me alone! Find somebody else to torture!
Agent Hutchins, thank God!
Freeze! You're under arrest.
What are you doing?
Stay where you are, Doctor Peyser.
Or should we call you Fat Cobra?
I'm not the Fat Cobra!
If necessary, shoot to kill.
You got the wrong guy! I'm-I'm-I'm...
There's like a hundred guns pointing at my head!
They think you're the Fat Cobra.
'Cause you told them!
No, I didn't! You told them.
No, I didn't! Oh! Oh! Okay.
Okay. It may not be the best time to tell you this, but a couple of years ago, I slept with Mark. And I think I'm still in love with him.
Yesterday I was a respected man in my community.
Today they want to kill me!
My life is ruined!
Jerry, I am sorry I ruined your life, but you know what? This case is my life.
I'm on a roof. I don't... I don't do roofs.
Peyser, down on the ground!
On... the ground... now!
Well, buddy, I guess this is it, huh? We tried.
Give me a hug.
What, are you crazy?
Fine, I'll hug you.
No! What are you...
Wait! Wait! What are you doing? What are you doing? Holy Mother of God! Oh, God!
Now you're gonna feel a slight... jerk.
You're so much more than a slight jerk!
That's not very nice.
Whoa. Here we go!
Jerry, Jerry, listen to me. I need you to keep your weight centered!
My weight's fine!
We're fine! Have a good night!
Get control! Get control, you shlump!
You're not exactly helping things, Jer.
Unwrap your legs.
What? Unwrap your legs.
Unwrap your legs!
I guess I forgot to take parachute etiquette when I went to medical school! This isn't fun.
You gotta stop and smell those roses, budski.
Oh, don't ever use that expression again! Ever!
Whoo-hoo-ho! Oh! We're about to get impaled by... that!
What the hell is that?
I don't know. I've always hated it.
Oh, God. Hold on to me! I'll hold on to you! Oh
It's okay. We're down. Easy, Jer.
Get it off me! I'm choking!
All right, all right, all right! We're safe and sound.
Oh, we're neither!
Oh, we are.
Okay pal, let's get the hell out of here.
No! No! I am done!
I'm finished with you! I mean it!
What do you, what do you mean?
A minute ago when I thought I was gonna die, you want to know what image is in my head?
I'm thinking of that look my daughter gave me up there.
I've given her all these things she doesn't want and the one time she needs me, where am I? I'm with you!
Something you should work on, Jer.
What did you say?
I have to work on that? The worst father in the universe is telling me I gotta work on something?
Do you know in the last three months I have spent almost every day with your kid? Do you know that? Have you seen him even once?
You want to do something about it, fanny boy?
I do. I really do.
Come on! Bring it on! You wanna fight me? Three rounds. Let's do it the right way. He'll referee, we'll
It was before I even met you.
It doesn't bother me that you went out with someone before you met me! I went out with other guys!
Yeah, but that's not even You went out with other guys? What guys?
I've told you about them and that's the thing! You weren't as honest with me as I was with you!
And by the way, can you just tell me what your dad really does?
Because he's got a few too many Prada and Gucci outfits to be a Xerox salesman!
I can't say.
I mean, I, really, I'm not allowed to say He made me vow and I gave him my word.
How good is your word?
Okay. I just think you're feeling a little nervous about the wedding.
Don't tell me what I'm feeling! My father does that!
So what are you doing?
Just confirming. Cherkasov's got her in position five miles offshore.
Thibodoux's guy is en route and they're both set for a noon ex change time.
I guess I can squeeze it in between the I do"s and the appetizers.
Unless you think I'm ready to take the lead.
Ex cuse me.
That's what I thought.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride Don't worry, I'm used to it.
Push everything back.
The whole ex change. Cherkasov, Thibodoux, the money, everything Put it off until tomorrow night when the kids are on their honeymoon.
I thought you were gonna juggle both. You always do.
Anj, I am tired of juggling.
Cherkasov and Thibodoux are not gonna like this.
Well, they can kiss my ass.
Did you get the tux edos from the drycleaners?
I sure did.
What about the pictures?
Jacket pocket. Anything else?
You look very nice this evening.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm just waiting for you Mister Bright-Eyes.
You dressed me? Yes, I did.
So Jer, we gotta talk. I know we've had our differences but our son and
daughter are going to be married and, you know, whether we like it or not
we're stuck with each other. Yeah.
So you knocked some sense into me father-wise and,
uh, I'm going to be changing my lifestyle. No more shenanigans.
And I'm not working today.
Does the FBI know about this?
Uh, it's not gonna be a problem. This wedding is gonna be as normal as butter on mashed potatoes.
Come on, let's go.
Like butter on mashed potatoes, huh That lasted about ten minutes.
Jer, just relax.
Hutchins, do you have kids?
I have a Jack Russell Terrier.
You're kidding me!
Well, then you'll understand. You gotta give me two hours.
This is my son's wedding. You can do anything you want to me afterwards.
You can take me out back, shoot me, be a hero.
But let me see my boy get married.
Hey, hey, hey!
Well, maybe you ought to just see this.
Where'd you get? This was in college, man! I was pledging!
Hutch, thanks so much.
That's a big pair of heels. Yeah, thank you.
We'll send out some cake later.
Yeah, we'll be right here!
That was fun! Yeah. Blackmail. //lt's terrific.
Uncle Ben! Mazeltov! Thanks.
Where's Mark and Melissa?
Where are they?
No, I don't know. Where are they?
Yeah, I don't know. Where are they?
Ben, I'm asking you. I'm asking you. I'm asking you.
All right, stop! Stop it! We're turning into Abbott and Costello.
Doctor Peyser. Hi, Rabbi.
I noticed we're already behind schedule and I do have
two otherceremonies this afternoon and that Buddhist monk that I'm supposed to do the ceremony with
That was not my idea. Uh, what's wrong with him? He's an idiot.
Okay. Well, uh, let me talk to him.
I don't know one person here! Not one person!
That's right, because it's not an arms convention Talk to these guys.
Who are you?
Mark's frat brothers. Who are you?
I'm Mark's dad!
Yeah! Hm. Mark never mentioned he had a dad.
Like, not ever.
Well, I'm traveling a lot.
Oh, I just assumed that you were dead or in jail.
Uh-huh. Me, too.
Well, fuck you very much and have another beer. Thanks a lot.
Mister... Monk, uh, if you two can't work this out the planet is doomed! What can I do? Just talk to her.
Ex cuse me, Doctor Peyser!
Gloria... from before.
Yeah, Gloria. Yeah, I know you. Hi, Gloria.
Um, have you seen Melissa?
No, where is she?
I'm a little worried. I got really wasted last night and I did this kind of My Best Friend's Wedding" thing and
told her I dated Mark one time.
I think she may have bolted!
So... I thought you'd like to know the wedding is off.
Why? What happened?
Mark and Melissa have vanished. They're not even here!
Jerry, calm down. It's all gonna be all right.
hey! Hi! I'll be right ba Melissa! Melissa I know you're a little stressed out.
Well, so am I. You know, it's a big day and you know, you're confused.
I was confused on the day I got married. Obviously.
Anyway, I've never seen Mark happier in his life and I know it's because of you and
I get down on my knees and I thank that Big Man Up There for you coming into his life.
And to tell you that the second I saw you I knew. You're the best girl in the world.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing in that dress?
I won't be the bridesmaid anymore Do you understand?
No! No, not really! No! "I taught you everything you know
When you're ready, you can take the lead Well, I'm ready and I'm taking the lead.
I don't want to end up like you, Steve No personal life. A family that hates you!
I choose happiness! It's really a breakthrough for me! Now where's the money?
It's in a case in the warehouse.
The case in the warehouse is empty We want the money.
Jesus Christ. Oh, God.
What a lovely setting I see your touch in the decor, no?
I... worked with a designer a little.
Why, it's wonderful.
I was on my way here, ex cited about my submarine and then I realized something.
Do you want to know what it was that I realized?
I was more ex cited to see you.
I cannot get you out of my mind.
I am attracted to you physically which for me is strange because I find homosexuality disgusting!
Okay, bu-but This is a big subject.
And... you know, the wedding, so I-I actually have to find my family. I'll talk to you later.
I have them.
What are you doing in that?
So, Steven, I see you have met my partner.
Yeah, you make a... lovely couple.
So where's Cherkasov?
What about Olga?
Steven Tobias, you son of a bitch!
If we don't die I'm gonna kill you, Dad! You suck!
Jerry, what's going on here?
Daddy, what the hell is going on? Where have you been? She's wearing my dress!
If I give you the money, will you leave everybody here unharmed?
Uh, hi. Uh, since we can't find the bride and the groom we're just gonna open up the bar. So everybody have a cocktail! Woo-hoo!
Oh, that would've made a great gift.
Now, get out.
Are you coming, sweet Cobra?
Daddy, this is weird.
Where you going, Jerry?
I'm sorry, Katherine.
Can I talk to you alone for one second? Lt's about us.
We don't have time to dilly-dally.
Pull around the boat.
What is it, darling?
What am I to you, exactly? A plaything? Or a toy?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So let's do this the right way.
Jean-Pierre, I love you.
And I want you to be my wife!
How's your plantar faciitis now?!
Jean-Pierre, come on, we have to go! Jean-Pierre!
I keep making myself vulnerable.
Focus on revenge.
Well, Steve, you have ruined this darling girl's wedding.
Oh, no, no, I'm-I'm okay.
No, you're not! You will carry the scar of this day until you die!
All right, I guess I am kind of sad.
Judy, how is this helpful?
Would both of you, please just stop it!
Why don't you give me a break, huh?
Ooh, I'll break your neck!
That's good, Mark. Express your anger!
You want a piece of me?
Oh, you bet I do!
Here it goes!
Oh, my God!
What was that?
The one time my dad showed up at Cub Scouts I earned a merit badge in Covert Evasion Techniques.
We broke up.
What is that?
That, my friend, is Olga.
In Lake Michigan? So much for homeland security.
I'm ex cited to go on a submarine!
What was your name again?
What are you doing?
Taking preventative measures.
To prevent what? Maybe a torpedo heading towards the wedding What? Well, I'm-I'm gonna come with you.
Sorry, buddy. It's a one-man job.
You drag me halfway around the world when I don't want to go! The one time I want to you say, "No"?
It's my family too! I'm going! You can't stop me!
Wow, Jer. Get on.
On this? Oh, jeez.
What is the plan?
The Juliet Class torpedo has an acoustic guidance system.
It tracks whatever's making the most noise. So if he pulls the trigger, we've got to divert the torpedo.
Let me rephrase the question. What does the torpedo wind up hitting?
You said you wanted to help!
Oh, my God, that's before I knew the plan! That's a terrible plan!
Stop jacking off and prepare the torpedo!
Immediately, quick, quick, you fools!
Give me that!
How're you doing? You doing okay?
Um... yeah. You know, I... got a few questions, like...
what the hell is happening?
My father is in the CIA. He works deep undercover and I've spent my entire life hiding that fact, but that's the truth.
I dated a few skanky girls before I met you.
I, uh, don't really like being a lawyer.
I played with, uh, Legos until I was seventeen and, uh I go to a colorist because I'm prematurely gray. It's a rinse.
You see, I don't want to hide anything from you anymore because I don't care! All I care about is you!
I love you.
What are we doing now? Why are we turning?
Quiet! No noise!
Wait! Wait! I've got something in my fanny pack!
I'll never make a crack again!
Yes, 'cause we'll be dead!
Hold on! Hold on!
I'm gonna throw up!
It's coming at us!
Boop-ba-bada, beep-ba-bada, ba-ba, uh-uh-uh-
Could you stop that please?
All in all, I'm glad I met you!
Me too, buddy! I mean it!
You're the real thing!
I'm sorry I called you the worst father in the world! I really didn't mean it!
Thank you, Jer.
I'm sure there's at least two or three guys that are worse!
Whoo! That's so awesome!
Mark? Mark? Honey? Honey! Honey! Are you okay? Baby, are you okay?
Yeah... but there's cake in my shorts.
We're gonna go freshen up.
Are you guys all right?
Steve, we just wanted to let you know this was the worst wedding we have ever been to.
You should thank Jerry. He put it all together.
Thanks for coming.
We gotta do something about this. Come on.
I know you all got a lot of questions, but listen up.
I am deep cover CIA, case number three-nine-two-four.
Peter Markell's my sole contact at the Agency.
All right, well, we're gonna check that out.
You know, you almost blew my cover a few times.
But I don't want an apology, because I think I got a way that you can make it up.
And do you, Melissa, take Mark to be your wedded husband...
to have and to hold from this day forward for better or worse, for richer or poorer
in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
By the power vested in me, by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You know how I run around and try to save the world?
Dad, it's okay.
No, no. What I want you to know is you are my world Mark. I'm so proud of you.
I know we fought a lot, Judy, but we must have done something right. He's a great kid.
And you're a very good mother.
And I still hate you.
But I do have a room back at the club.
I am so sorry about the wedding.
What are you talking about? Daddy, don't you realize?
This is exactly what I wanted.
Six people on a beach.
I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
Six people on a beach. I coulda saved a fortune!
Jer, you're gonna be fine.
As a matter of fact, the whole family they're gonna be just fine.
Oh! Cobra! Fat Cobra! It's all right, darling! I, I forgive you!
You know something? He might actually like prison.
Like it? He's gonna love it!
Guys! A little help would be nice!
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