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Team America

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You in the robes.
Put down the weapon of mass destruction
and get on the ground!
You are under arrest.
Put down your weapons now!
Why can't we ever do this the easy way?
World Police. Get down on the ground!
Hey terrorist.
Terrorize this.
All right. Let's make this interesting.
You lose.
He is getting away with the WMD.
I got him.
Damn, I missed him.
Sarah, he has got the bomb.
You got a fix?
I got him Carson.
He is heading for Louvre.
Your plans are over.
All right Sarah.
Nothing to it.
All right. Let's make this interesting.
Bonjour everyone. Don't worry!
Everything is bombed
We stopped the terrorists.
I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.
Oh yeah? Bout what?
I was thinking that I want you to marry me.
Don't joke about that!
Who's joking?
Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.
He finally popped the question?
Lisa you are an amazing woman ...
and a damn fine cop.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Oh Carson, Carson.
Carson!
No!
Carson!
Feel so cold.
You have to hang on Carson.
Sorry babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.
No!
Lisa you have to live on, Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.
You deserve it.
No!!!! No !!!!
No !!!!
# Everyone has AIDS #
# AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# Everyone has AIDS #
# And so this is the end of our story #
# And everyone is dead from AIDS #
# It took from me my best friend my only true pal #
# My only bright star #
# He died of AIDS #
# Well I am going to march on Washington '
# lead the fight and charge the brigades #
# There is a hero inside of all of us #
# I will make them see that everyone has AIDS #
# - My father # # - AIDS! #
# - My sister # # - AIDS! #
# - My uncle and my cousin and her best friend # # - AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# The gays and the straights and the whites and the spades #
# Everyone has AIDS #
# - My grandma and my dog old blue # # - AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# - The pope has got it and so do you # # - AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# - Come on Everybody we got quilting to do # # - AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# We are going to break down these barricades #
# Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
# AIDS, AIDS, AIDS #
Great job Gary.
Thanks, you too Steve.
That was the greatest acting I have ever seen.
I just don't know how do you do it Gary?
How do you make youself so sober and emotional to make everybody cry like that?
It's not that hard really.
I just think about the saddest moment in my life.
Man wow! Gary is such a great guy
Hello young man!
Congratulations on a terrific performance.
Oh, thank you! I don't believe we've met Mr. ...?
The name is Spottswoode
Well nice to meet you.
And you are Gary Justin
All-American actor who graduated Iowa University
Summa cum laude with a double major in...
theater and world languages
You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.
Top gun actor.
Hey hold on a second are you from Hollywood?
I have an incredible offer for you Gary.
If you are interested follow me this way.
Please Gary, step into my car.
Oh I get it!
I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me.
Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
No I just want to show you something
Yeah, I bet you do
Please Gary I'm not from Hollywood
I am not going to fuck your mouth...
and my time is extremely valuable!
Jesus this is a nice limo.
Yes it is! Now suck my cock!
Haha! Just kidding.
All right. Just what the hell is this about?
I hate to break this to you Gary ...
but some people out there want you dead.
Dead?
They are called terrorists, Gary ...
and they hate everything about you.
Why? What did I do to them? I am just a Broadway actor.
It's not who you are Gary. It's what you stand for.
And every single mintue of every single day
The terrorists are planning new ways to kill you.
And everyone else who lives in a free country.
The only thing standing in their way...is us.
You?
Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.
OK a limousine that can fly!
Now I have seen everything!
Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
- No - So then you haven't seen everything and neither have we.
Last week in Paris we got four terrorists with a weapon of mass destruction.
The terrorists are planning something very big.
And just what does this have to do with me?
Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist...
who wants to help them carry out the attack.
An actor convincing enough
to make the terrorists think he is one of them.
This is crazy. I am an actor not a spy.
That's all spying is...Acting!
And they say you are the best!
An actor with a double major in theater and world languages.
Hell you are the perfect weapon Gary.
Look out!
Right this way you maverick renegade.
Welcome to team base.
Gary, this is Joe. All-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.
He is a natural born leader.
I've heard a lot about your acting Mr. Johnston
I hope it's as good as they say it is.
And this is Sarah. The top empath from Berkely school for the clairvoyant in San Franciso.
I sense that you are slightly confused right now.
That's suppose to be Carson's replacement?
A fucking actor?
Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy but he is the best martial art expert Detroit has to offer.
That's right actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.
And finally we have our psychology expert. Where is Lisa?
Right here.
Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought under in childhood.
We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.
But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.
And Intelligence tells us they plan to use them.
Isn't that right Intelligence?
That is affirmative!
Intelligence?
The most sophisticated computer in the world.
I've intercepted communications that several terrorists groups are being organized for one massive world wide attack.
From what Intelligence has gathered it would be 911 times 100.
911 times 100 Jesus that's ...
... yes, 91100.
Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.
So now you see why we need you.
We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful
you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening.
Of course ... if you are not interested ...
there's the door.
All right. Thanks.
Huh.
Gary, hey. Hold on a second!
Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger.
How is it my responsibility to do something?
Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.
I can't fight terrorists. I don't know nothing about guns or jets.
That doesn't matter. If you wanna help people all that matters is Gary is what you have here.
Just think about it, ok. Here, take this.
Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go.
Just remember your freedom is at stake too.
What do you think Spottswoode sees in him ?
I don't know. But I think I see it too.
Hey Baxter I wanna take a detour.
# What would you do #
# if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom? #
# What would you do if that is to make the ultimate sacrifice? #
# Would you think about all them people? #
# Who gave up everything they had? #
# Would you think about all them war vets #
# and would you start to feel bad? #
# Freedom isn't free #
# It costs folks like you and me #
# And if we don't all chip in we'll never pay that bill #
# Freedom isn't free #
# No there is a hefty fuckin' fee #
# And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five who will? #
# Buck 'o five #
# Freedom costs a buck 'o five #
Our dear leader Kim Jong-Il...
says the weapons of mass destruction you requested
are ready for you to take.
I am still in the process of recuriting...
and training new terrorists for the attack.
We take weapons later.
He asked what part of the deal you did not understand.
He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you.
He says he should fire ... his translator.
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
I can not believe that I actually have a Chenchnen standing here
telling me when he is going to take a delivery.
Hello.
Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
Yes, perhaps you can.
Now take your weapons of mass desctruction and
get the fuck out of here!
I ... had to come back.
I know you did son.
I still say this is a fucking mistake.
Stop it Chris! I sense that you are making him feel intimidated.
Gary I am afraid there is no time.
Intelligence tells us that the attack is imminent.
We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.
There is just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.
Hahaha - leave that to us!
Sarah is a professional at skin graphing and laser valmorphication.
Just try to be still.
Amazing!
The valmorphication completely worked.
Sit up and take a look Gary!
It's uncanny.
You are going to fool everyone Gary.
...or should I say Hakmed?
All right team, we only get one shot at this so listen up!
Intelligence has intercepted communications that terrorists
from different countries are gathering at a tavern! Here! In Cairo.
Cairo ... that's in Egypt.
Exactly right Joe.
Now team your mission.
We'll be to get Gary into that tavern.
And once he is on the inside, cover his back!
Gary, you must use your acting to find out
any information you can from the terrorists.
Gary, if for some reason you cover is blown...
and the terrorists take you prisoner ...
well you will probably want to take your own life.
Here you better have this.
All right team! That's it! We've got a job to do.
Let's go police the World!
# America~America~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Coming again to save the mother fucking day yeah~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Freedom is the only way yeah! #
# Terrorists your game is through~ #
# 'cause now you have to answer to~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# So lick my butt and suck on my balls~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
What if the old man is wrong about him, uh?
What if he is not the actor Spottswoode says he is?
Why don't you trust actors Chris?
I got my reasons.
You're all right Gary?
I was just thinking...
on stage if I mess up a line it could mean a bad review.
If I mess up here...we're all dead.
I believe you can do this Gary
Why?
What reason do you have to believe?
Sometimes ... believing is all we have.
Fear not Muslim friends! We are here to find terrorists...
I am clearing your minds of all anxiety.
All right, good job Sarah.
Now everyone make for the tavern.
Let's get one thing straight actor - I don't trust you.
And if you betray us I'll rip your fucking balls off
and stuff them up your ass, so the next time you shit...
you'll shit all over your balls. Got it?
What's your problem with me?
Yeah, you want a go?
Guys, guys, guys!
Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there man - out there. Now pull it together!
All right team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet!
Clear, Clear, Clear, Clear
All right Gary, you follow me!
The rest of the team takes super secret hiding positions alpha one.
All right that's the tavern with the blue door.
Act your way past those guards! Dee what you can find out!
Temember if you think they are onto you give us the signal.
You remember the signal?
That's right.
All right, good luck.
Go get 'em cowboy!
Oh shit!
Come on Gary act. You have the power.
All right Gary.
Told you he was top gun.
I've never seen acting that good.
He's amazing.
We are Bashi rebels from the country of Somalia.
Who are you?
My...name is Hakmed.
I am a terrorist.
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?
I sense that I am becoming attracted to Gary.
My advise is not to get involved with the team members, Sarah.
It's to painful to see them die.
I am sorry Lisa I didn't mean to bring out...
It's ok Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.
I treasure yours Lisa.
Hey have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?
Ah, what would a girl like Sarah want with a...
simple Nebraska Boy like me?
I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.
Still I'd love to show her a full moon night on the corn fields.
What do you know?
I heard there may be a large terrorist attack.
If you tell me what it is maybe I can help out.
Get out of here!
We have put a jihad on the infidels
because they destroy our lives.
What do you know about pain and sadness?
Gary, Gary, Gary!
I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village
in their black hawk hellicopters.
The infidels fired at the oil fields and
they lid up like the eyes of Allah.
Burning oil rain down from the sky
cooked everything it touched.
I could only hide myself and cry...
as my goats were consumed by fiery black liquid death.
In the midst of the chaos...
I could swear that I heard my goats ... screaming for help.
As quickly as they'd come the infidels were gone.
It was on that day I put a jihad on them.
And if you don't believe it
then you better kill me now.
Because I'ill put a jihad on you too.
I like you. You have balls. I like balls
All right, listen carefully!
The WMDs are located in a secret bunker
20 yards east of this building.
You can help us by grabbing it...
Come! They're onto us.
Hurry friend! We must make our escape.
Shit! I've got 5 terrorists going southeast on Bacalacadaca street.
Don't let them get away!
I sense that Gary is trapped inside the tavern.
Copy Sarah. You get Gary and we'll go after the terrorists.
# America~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Coming again to save the mother fucking day yeah~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Freedom is the only way yeah! #
# It's the dream that we all share #
# -It's the hope for tomorrow~ # # - Fuck Yeah! #
Die infidels!
They're not stopping.
They had their chance.
Missed wide right.
One of the terrorist is trying to tell us something.
It's me, it's me.
Looks like he is saying "kiss me, kiss me".
Smartass motherfucker
Gary?
An infidel.
Get up!
Gary?
Sarah to Team America 4
What you got Sarah?
Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he maybe...with....terror....
Say again Sarah. You're breaking up.
Joe do you copy?
I'll get him.
Lisa?
I lost her.
It's all right. We'll kill these guys
and we'll find out what she wants.
All right.
Hey, hey guys I think we should pull over.
Pull over?
Yes of course!
Pull over let them pass us ...
and when they turn around we charge them.
I love your balls.
Shit they got by me.
What are we doing?
This jeep is filled with explosives.
We're going take their lives and our own.
We...we gonna what?
Hang on Joe!
Die infidels!
Suprise cockheads!
Ahh!
All right we fucking did it.
Spottswoode, this is Lisa.
Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.
Great job team. Head back to base for deep briefing and cocktails.
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.
Team America has once again pissed off
the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo.
And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.
Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.
The Film Actors Guild believes that
what the world needs is compassion not violence.
All that Team America does is create new enemies.
Let me explain to you how this works.
You see the corporations finance Team America ...
and then Team America goes out...
and the Corporations sit there in their...
in their corporation buildings
and ... and see that they are all corporationy
and they make money.
Last year I went to Iraq.
Before Team America showed up it was a happy place.
They had flowery metals and rainbow skies...
and rivers made of chcolates where the children
danced and laughed and played with gun drop smiles.
The actors are calling for an emergency meeting.
All ready excepted to attend are:
Helen Hunt
George Clooney
Liv Tyler
Martin Sheen
Susan Sarandon
Janeane Garofalo
and Matt Damon
Matt Damon
In the mean time
the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals...
their own way.
Hans Blix. Oh no!
Oh hello. Great to see you again Hans.
Mr. ll, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today
and you guards won't let me into certain areas.
Hans, Hans, Hans!
We being through this a dozen times!
I don't have any weapons mass destruction, ok Hans?
Then let me look around
so I can ease U.N.'s collective mind.
Hans, you are breaking my balls here, Hans...
you are breaking my balls!
I am sorry but the U.N. must be firm with you!
Let me see your whole palace or else ...
Or else what?
Or else we will be very, very angry with you.
And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.
Ok! I will show you Hans, you ready? Stand a little to your left.
Little more...
Good!
There you go Hans Blix!
How you like that you fucking cock sucker?
You have any idea how fucking busy I am Hans Blix?
Well, fuck you!
You are inspecting? Well inspect that!
You buttfucking piece of shit.
What? You think I am just a petty arms dealer?
I am planning the attack!
Congratulations Team America!
You have stopped nothing!
Congratulations Gary. You've done an amazing thing.
It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again!
We are going to be unstoppable with you on the team Gary.
Terrorist your game is through.
You're the best, Gary.
When this terrorist shoots at us from the back of his jeep and...
You might have all the others fooled but not me.
Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.
The next time you put a stun like that...
I'll drill two holes for your dick.
So that when you pee
it will shoot out in all directions.
You got it?!
Hey Sarah do you mind if I dance with you?
No of course not Joe.
Joe do you think it's ok for team members to date?
Sarah really?
Yeah do you think it's all right?
I think it's better than all right.
- It's great. - Oh good. I'm so glad you think so.
Gary, you're ok?
I was just wondering if I can let go of an old painful memory.
Is it anything you want to talk about?
When I was a kid I always looked up to my older brother Tommy.
He was the jock and I was the little performer.
We were all at the zoo one day.
I was doing some acting...
walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
I fell in.
Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me
forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket.
The gorillas just went wild.
They jumped all over his body...
and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries.
One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla
who would toss him to another.
Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help - but...
it was too late...
The gorillas beat him to death
before the zoo keepers could gas them all.
My acting got my brother killed.
I had to live with that every single day.
Gary you can't blame yourself for what the gorillas did.
I think I can finally let it go,
because...my acting saved the entire world.
And something even better happened.
What?
I met somebody who ... took my breath away.
Gary, no!
I am sorry.
It's just ... things are really complicated Gary.
I know about Carson.
I know how it feels.
God I am so confused.
It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
But I have to control them
because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful!
So...so what? You're just gonna shut down?
I really like you - there's no chance we can ever be togther?
Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
You know I can't promise you that.
If you did that I would make love to you right now.
I promise. I will never die.
# I need this, I need love, I need you~ #
# I don't need one heartbeat, I need two~ #
# There is an emptiness I need to fill~ #
# And only one emptiness will do~ #
# Only a woman~ #
# Can brighten up my day~ #
# Only a woman~ #
# Can touch me the right way~ #
# Only a woman~ #
# Is allowed to touch me there~ #
# All I ask is that you're a woman~ #
Lisa you are the most amazing person I've ever met.
It's only being a short time...
but I think that I am completely in love...
shhh
Let's not talk.
I can't help it. It just feels so right.
I don't want anything to mess it up.
shhh
There is not a thing in the world that can mess this up.
Team I'm afraid I have bad news.
At 7:15 this morning the terrorists carried out their attack.
What?
But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
It appears now that Intelligence was wrong about
the Chechenens being in charge.
That was bad intelligence. Very bad intelligence!
I am sorry.
We have to find out who did this and take them down ... Fast.
Sir I'm intercepting communications about the terrorist identities.
On screen!
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.
An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead.
Taking credit were terrorists from Derkaderkastain.
Of course Derkaderkastain.
The terrorists claim that the attack was
retaliation for Team America's action in Cairo.
Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild.
Alec Baldwin!
Gary?
He is ... he is my hero! The single greatest actor of all time.
Who is to blame for these attack at Panama?
The terrorists? The person who supplied them with the WMDs?
No! Blame Team America!
their reckless disregard in Cairo...
brought on this violence today!
Team America ...
the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands.
Moved by Alec Baldwin's impassionate speech
hundreds of people turned out at Mountain Rushmore today to protest.
Hey that's here.
Tom! It looks like filmmaker Michael Moore
is also jumping on the fuck Team America bandwagon!
Protesting is not enough!
We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country!
Bring it down, bring it all down!
Team, if the Dekaderkastanies have weapons of mass destruction
I am afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
Jesus you mean ...
Yes! 911,000.
Then forget all this assholes. We got work to do.
Yes let's get Gary valmorphinized so we can use his acting.
My acting? My acting! My acting just got a thousand people killed!
Jesus I've done it again.
Pull yourself together Gary. We need you now more than ever.
I'm through with this.
Gary you can't go.
Without you the team is doomed!
Remember there is no "I" in Team America.
Yes there is.
I know it's hard Gary...
but you are still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.
Why me? Why am I the only one?
Because you are the one with the power to do so.
But I don't want the fucking power.
I don't want the guilt!
I don't want the shame and...
I don't want the responsibility!
Then what about all the things you promised last night?
You said you'd never leave!
I said I'd never die, but now I'm dead inside.
You slept with Gary?
Sarah ...
But you knew I liked Gary. I told you.
You like Gary? Oh, I see...
I didn't plan on it happening Sarah.
Save it Lisa.
You see all I do is hurt people.
Gary you didn't kill your brother!
Those gorillas did!
I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.
I'm just bad news.
I'ill never act again.
Fuck him! We don't need an actor.
We can take out the Derkaderkastainies the old fashion way.
No! It will be a suicide mission.
That's all right...
I feel a little bit like dying.
God damn it Gary.
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Coming again to save the mother fucking day yeah~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# Freedom is the only way yeah! #
# Terrorists your game is through~ #
# 'cause now you have to answer to~ #
# -America # # -Fuck Yeah! #
# -America # # -Fuck... #
Gary! Help me! Get this thing off me! Gary!
All right team we are near Derkaderkastain!
Let's get ready!
Look out! We got terrorist aircraft.
There is only 5 of them, team. This should be easy.
Korean aircraft at 1:00 o'clock.
What are they doing here?
Shoot them down - like dogs.
Kim Jong-Il ... why is he helping terrorists?
I've got one on my tail.
I got you Sarah!
Bring in the submarines!
What the hell?
Somebody is shooting at us from the water!
It must be a Korean sub.
Chris you get to take him out.
I am already on it.
These guys really snuck up on us.
Yeah there is a lot of that going around lately.
Sarah you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
No you just didn't care if you did.
Now come on Sarah that isn't fair!
Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her.
Just like nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary.
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh come on Sarah!
You mean you never realized that Joe has feelings for you?
Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
That's all I ever am ... like a brother.
It isn't fair.
Hang on team. Someone has broken into the hangar.
Baxter?
Hey Team America.
I got something for you!
What the hell?
Prepare to die!
Jesus titty fucking Christ!
Spottswoode!
Oh my god!
No ...
he can't be dead.
We've lost Intelligence.
I repeat ... we have no Intelligence.
Their computers are down.
Attack!
Sarah!
That's it I am going down.
Sarah God! Chris you gotta help her!
I am on it.
Just hang on Sarah!
Oh fuck, I've been hit.
Chris, come in!
Oh Jesus I am hit.
Lisa!
It's going down!
God damn it. I am gonna to have to breach.
I am going to hit the water.
Missile lock - I got missile lock!
I gotta bail out!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Salvage that ships!
- If you find anyone alive...you know what to do with them. - Yeah!
Terrorist on screen.
Ok, who blew up Panama Canal?
We were angry about Cairo.
God damn it how many times do I have to tell you.
you don't use the WMDs until you see the signal.
I've woked 10 years on this plan.
And it's a very precise and a complicated plan.
I am sick of you terrorist fucking it up.
Now take the weapons where I told you...
and wait for the God damn signal this time!
Good bye!
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Why aren't there more people intelligent like me?
I am ... so ...
# lonely~ #
# so lonely~ #
# so lonely and sadly alone~ #
# get no one, just me only~ #
# sitting on my little throne~ #
# I work very hard and make out great plans~ #
# but nobody listens no one understands~ #
# seems like no one takes me seriously~ #
# and so...I'm lonely~ #
# eheh, a little lonely ... #
# poor little me~ #
# there's no body, I can relate to~ #
# feel like a bird in the cage~ #
# it's kind of silly, but not reary~ #
# because it's filling my body with rage~ #
# I'm the smartest, most clever and most physically fit!~ #
# but no body else seems to realize it~ #
# when I changed the world maybe they'll notice me~ #
# and until then #
# I'll just be lonely~ #
# yeah...a little lonely #
# poor little me~ #
# I'm...so ... lonely~ #
# what would you do~ #
# if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom~ #
# what would you do,If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice~ #
Hey weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?
Hey yeah it is you do that scene where everyone gets AIDS.
I don't act anymore. I gave that up.
Oh come on man. Just a scene.
I said get away from me. I am completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.
Easy, easy ho. You gotta calm down there Chuck.
I hurt people. I am a dick.
Oh, being a dick isn't so bad.
There are three kinds of people. Dicks, pussies, and assholes.
Pussies think everyone can get alone.
And dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through.
But then you get your assholes Chuck!
And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything.
So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
And if they didn't fuck the assholes you know what you get?
You get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.
All right that does it. Get out of here you drunk low life!
Get out of here I said!
Lisa! Lisa? Lisa are you here?
Get out of the street you fuking bum!
You gave up on life didn't you?
My fellow actors!
We live in a dark time.
The world is becoming more and more violent
and the idoits in charge are making it worse.
What the world needs is an international advisory committee
who truly understands global politics.
- Namely ... us. - erg!erg!erg!
The time has come for us to start using our acting talents in a different way.
Yes we can use our powers to change the world.
erg!erg!erg!
We'll persuvade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
If we focus our acting on global politics
we can change everything and stuff!
erg!erg!erg!
As actors it's our responsibility to read the newspapers
and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon
We'll all done action films.
If anyone tries to get in our way
we'll show them how tough we actors really are.
erg!erg!erg!
I am glad you all agree
because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader
who has bringing all the world leaders together
for a massive international peace conference
and he wants us to be the keynote speakers.
erg!erg!erg!
Matt Damon!
erg!erg!erg!
Say hello to our new partner!
Hello?
erg!erg!erg!
Stop it! Stop it! You are killing him.
I am gonna fucking kill you.
You are not in the position to kill anyone,
my red, white and blue friend.
So you are the bastard planning 911 times a thousand.
No, you think so small.
You see, I am about to have an elaborate peace ceremony!
And while all the world's most important peoples are distracted here
I will detonate the WMDs
which I have given to terrorists all around the globe.
It will be 911 times 2356.
My god! That's...I don't even know what that is.
Nobody does.
You heartless bastard!
Why would you do such a thing.
Because then I will be balance!
Every country will be a Third World country!
Just imagine it. All around the world there will be massive explosions.
With nobody to guide them the people will break out into panic and
rioting all over the earth the true nature of humanity is unleashed.
Dog eats dog as everyone attacks everyone and feds only for themselves.
Global stability unravels.
By the time my show is over it will be far too late.
Your plan will fail!
You will never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
Oh no?
I've got Alec Baldwin.
Damn god!
You are the rest of a dying breed ...
the flag waving Americans.
Well your little dream will soon be over.
I must get back planning the ceremony now.
The film actors are on their way.
Perhaps they'll stop in and say hello!
Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.
You shall have a front row seat.
Bring her upstairs!
Leave her alone you son of a bitch!
Lisa, I treasure your friendship.
Ah! Somebody has to stop this.
# I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark #
# When he made Pearl Harbor #
# I miss you more than that movie missed the point #
# And that's an awful lot girl, and now~ #
# now you've gone away~ #
# All I'm trying to say~ #
# is Pearl Harbor sucked #
# and I missed you~ #
# I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school~ #
# He was terrible in that film! #
# I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part~ #
# He's way better than Ben Affleck and now~ #
# all I can think about is your smiles~ #
# and that shitty movie too~ #
# Pearl Harbour sucked~ #
# and I miss you~ #
# Pearl Harbour sucked~ #
# just a little bit more than I miss you~ #
Oh my god! What the hell happened?
Hello anybody?
Greetings Mr. Johnston.
Intelligence what the hell happened?
Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.
But where is the team?
They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong-Il in North Korea.
I have intercepted communications that...
he is planning the massive attack during a peace ceremony.
Don't move protestor or I will blow your commy brains out.
Spottswoode?
Johnston?
What the hell are you doing here?
Get away from Intelligence!
I am using it to blow up North Korea.
No! The team is in North Korea.
I know and so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globle
My only opinion now is to blow up Kim Jong-Il...
and everything around him before he can set them off.
Intelligence, initiate detonation sequences on the ships.
You'll kill them all!
It's what they would want me to do Gary!
They would happily give their lives...
for the good of the world - something you don't understand.
There has to be another way.
There is nobody left to stop Kim Jong-Il.
Let me go!
You? You are a butt fucking quitter!
You walked out Gary.
The team went on a mission without you and...
without an actor they were like pigs to the slaughter.
I am suppose to leave the fate of the world in your hands?
I know I walked out but I'd do anything to take it back!
Please just let me help!
You've done enough
Please! Spottswoode you have to believe in me!
I want to believe in you Gary.
I really do.
But you've let me down before.
Please! How can I make you trust me?
I remembered the first time we met.
You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo
because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me.
Do you remember that?
Yeah
But now the tables are turned
and I don't know if I can trust you.
Just give me a chance.
Alright! I will trust you...
but only if you will perform oral sex on me.
What?
Right here, right now.
You can't be serious.
Oh I am serious.
Look, this is my serious face.
What will that prove?
It will prove that you are truly ready to lay everything on the line
To throw away all you innervations and get 100 percent
We must go back to the first night we met
that first issue of trust. Don't you see?
No, I thought you weren't gay.
This isn't about sex Gary ... it's about trust!
It is the eye of the needle Gary!
And we must both pass through it.
Ok, let's do it.
Ah, make sure nobody is watching.
Yeah, looks clear.
Ok, go!
There must be another way
Huh, I guess you won't do everything ...
to take it all back, will you Gary?
No, no, no ... wait ... hold on!
You are saying if I do that you'll let me help the team?
I will give you all the time I can!
Ok, let's do it!
Here we go.
And go!
You are dedicated. Now let's go get cleaned up!
If you are going to storm Kim Jong-Il's palace single-handed...
we have to make you a complete solider in very little time.
How we gonna do that?
I think I know just what we need.
# The hours approaching, just give it your best. You got to reach your prime. #
# That's when you need to put yourself to the test #
# and show us a passage of time~ #
# We're going to need a montage~ # # -montage~ #
# - wu~ it takes a montage~ # # - montage~ #
# Sure a lot of things happening at once #
# - With mind, everyone what's going on~ # # - what's going on? #
# And whith every shot you show a little improvement~ #
# Just Show it or it will take to long~ #
# - that's called a montage~ # # - montage~ #
# - Here we want montage~ # # - montage~ #
# And anything that we want to know~ #
# from just a beginner to a pro~ #
# - You need a montage~ # # - montage~ #
# - even rocky had a montage~ # # - montage~ #
# - Always fade out in a montage~ # # - montage~ #
# - If you fade out, it seem like more time has passed in a montage~ # # - montage~ #
Ladies and gentlemen ...
the Film Actor Guild and Kim Jong-Il are pleased...
to welcome you to the international world peace ceremony.
The most important people form every country
are gathered here in solidarity to celebrate peace.
There will be music, dancing, and of course...
the biggest stars in Hollywood!
In the box to your left is the mastermind to this spectacular show.
The multi-talented Kim Jong-Il
Hello, hello.
And now we present you the very best in Northern Korean Music.
10 years of planning and finally the night is here.
The terrorists know to be in position...
by the time Alec Baldwin takes the stage.
That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go up at the same time.
When you see Alec Baldwin...
You will see the true ugliness of human nature.
Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.
You stupid naive team Americans ...
You believe in true ravin happy endings...
even while the world around you spirals downward!
Sometimes believing is all we have.
And as the leaders of your countries ...
you have the power to bring the world together...
under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
You're gonna to knock 'em dead Alec.
10 minutes Mr. Baldwin
Who the hell are you?
I am with the Film Actors Guild
here to help the broadcast
Then you show credentials?
Hey! You don't need to see my credentials.
I left them at home and I am running late.
I believe him.
Yeah, me too!
Ok let him go.
My god, his acting is better than ever.
Don't worry fellas, I've got my pass right here!
Please Mr. Sheen and Mr. Robbins ...
you don't understand what Kim Jong-Il is doing!
Shut up we have explicit instructions to watch you.
Yeah! we are supposed to be guards.
We are guards.
Guards, we are guards.
We are guards.
Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins! Someone has broken into the main hall.
What?
Come on Martin!
Gary?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Guys, you're all right?
Where is Lisa?
What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.
Look, I wanna make things right.
Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base.
Spottswoode is dead Gary.
Not as dead as you think.
Spottswoode
Yes I am here, Joe.
All right you are alive.
Great to hear your voices again.
Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong-Il.
I am not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.
Yeah! What makes you think we'll take your backing? Douchebag?
We are doing this without you.
Now hold on team!
Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team.
He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
All right...come on team we got to find that stage!
Look how much they love my show!
The entire audience is so captivated!
Now you see the new world is inevitable.
It's what?
Inev...inevitable...
One more time?
Inevitable!
Things are inevitably going to change!
God damn it! Open your fucking ears!
5 minutes Mr. Baldwin.
Thank you!
Alec! We have a problem!
Team America escaped.
What?
You fools they'll ruin everything
We better warn everyone they will be headed here.
No! We can't look weak and powerless!
If violence is all those bastards understand then violence they'll get.
Every actor grab a gun and keep Team America...
from reaching this ceremony at all costs!
I swear they won't reach the stage.
Jesus!
What have we got?
Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
Look out, Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.
Drop your weapon!
Fucking die!
Got to split up!
Sarah you and Gary go that way!
Chris and I will go right.
No I think I'd rather team up with you Joe.
I guess you are with me cock fag.
Danny Glover
Come on Penn we must protect the show!
Right!
The stage must be that way-
No Joe, Sarah it's a trap!
Very impressive war mongers.
Now let's see how Kim Jong-Il's panthers treat you.
I went to Iraq you know?
Susan Sarandon
Oh thank god. We have to stop the ceremony!
Kim Jong-Il is mad!
Here let me loose. I will show you where the theater is!
All right!
No! Chris stay away from her!
Fuck you!
She wants to help us.
No Chris.
She is acting.
I am not.
The others tied me up because I won't go along with their plans!
Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
You shall die a peasant's death!
Jesus titty fucking Christ!
I could have sworn she was telling the truth!
That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
I was 19 year old when the musical Cats came to our town.
I couldn't wait to see it.
After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet...
some of the performers backstage.
Man I was thrilled.
But when I get back there ...
they were drunk and out of control.
Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.
I tried to leave but Rumpleteaser held me down and...
I was raped by Mr.Mistoffeles.
That's why you don't trust actors.
I am sorry I've been so hard on you.
If there is still a world left after this is all over
I'd like to buy you are a beer.
Come on let's go! We are running out of time.
Sarah, before we die I want to finally tell you that I love you.
No no I am not going to let it end like this!
We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us.
Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.
Your captors are behind you Shibas.
Show your anger to them.
Oh no.
No, no.
Sarah you did it.
Wait! Hold on!
Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater.
Have Sarah and Joe lock on...Oh!
Gary
Huh, I guess you won't do everything ...
Actors, halt!
Helen Hunt
Samuel L. Jackson
Matt Damon
Motherfucker!
Gary, Chris, come in!
And now Ladies and Gentlemen ... Mr. Alec Baldwin.
We are here to usher in a new era without violence.
By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild
the world can become a better place
that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning
That is the FAG way.
One day you will look at the world that us actors created and say:
"Wa, good going FAG! You really made the world a better place.
Didn't you FAG?
Yeah, Alec Baldwin.
Too bad there won't be a world left.
Oh god, no!
You see, no prince charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day.
This is the real world.
I am afraid your world is over ...
In 5 minutes!
Yes the ticking clock.
Sorry Team America but you see ... we must live in a time of peace.
Put down the gas can now!
Kill them!
Jackson
Team, you've got to hurry.
Let's go bitch! I've done action films.
Come on!
Matt Damon
Come on! Stop trying to hit me and hit me!
Don't fucking move!
Now isn't that a shame? You came so close to stopping peace ...
but you see peace always finds a way.
Goodbye Team America.
I've just got one piece of bad news for you Robbins.
What's that?
I am a smoker.
Now that the world is going to be run peacefully ...
we should all drive hybird cars.
Right now families are gathering in parks,
children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theaters.
all completely unaware that the world is about to change forever.
All because of me!
Stop that man!
Gary
Team America?
God damn it!
Sorry to interrupt the show everyone
but Kim Jong-Il is an international criminal!
We are here to arrest him!
Oh no you are not!
This is a peace conference and if you even try to touch Kim Jong-Il,
this audience and I will rise up against you.
Team there is no time!
You have to convince that audience to let you do your job!
Gary you've got to take the stage.
No, I can't upstage Alec Baldwin...
He is the best actor in the world!
You have to try.
I am not that good.
Actually! You are the finest actor I've never met.
Come on Gary! Hurry, you've got to act fast.
I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now but ...
Kim Jong-Il is a lot worse.
You can't outact me boy. Don't even try!
For the truth is that Team America fights...
for the billion dollar corporations!
They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.
No we aren't!
We are dicks!
We are reckless arrogent stupid dicks.
And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.
And Kim Jong-Il is an asshole.
Pussies don't like dicks
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes.
Assholes who just want to shit on everything.
Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.
But the only thing that can fuck an asshole...
is a dick...with some balls.
The problem with dicks...
is sometimes they fuck too much!
Or fuck what isn't appropiate...
Yes Gary, yes!
And it takes a pussy to show him that.
But sometimes pussies get so full of shit...
that they become assholes themselves!
Because pussies are only an inch and half away form assholes.
I don't know much in this crazy crazy world...
but I do know ...
that if you don't let us fuck this asshole,
we are going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.
Stop what you are doing Kim Jong-Il!
Do something Alec Baldwin!
The global warming and corporate America ...
Fire you! You are worthless Alec Baldwin!
Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treated to a fabulous show!
- But now party is over for I am the great Kim Jong-Il. - Lisa!
And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have lived.
Terrorize this!
Lisa, are you ok?
No Gary. The coundown - you have to stop it.
What do I do?
Hit the big cancel button!
Gary, how did you manage this?
Spottswoode helped me.
Spottswoode?
He is alive?
Lisa ... I am crazy about you!
- Will you please forgive me If I can just ... - Shhh!
You had me a dicks fuck assholes.
Attention! Attention Everyone!
All of you in the audience should go to your homes now.
Your countries need you!
But the world will be safe!
Thanks to a briliant actor...
named Gary Johnston.
Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.
He is a man who knows...
that when you put another man's cock in your mouth...
you make a pact!
A bond that cannot be broken!
He is the man so dedicated...
that he will get down on his knees...
and put that cock right into his mouth!
Wait a minute! Look!
You have not had the last of Kim Jong-Il.
I will return.
You shall see, I will be back.
So long earthlings!
We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il.
All right you guys. I hate to break up this little party
but there is still a lot of bad guys out there.
Well then let's go show the bad guys that the police are back in force.
Fuck yeah!
-=TLF-DivX subTeam=- Listening (English subtitle): rasputin Listenin/Translation/Adjusting: KeKe
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