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The History of the World - Part I

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20 million years ago,
an apelike creature inhabited the earth.
[Also Sprach Zarathustra playing]
And the ape stood and became man.
-Rrr! -Arrgh!
-Ahh... -Ahh...
The greatest calamity that could befall early man
was the loss of fire.
Fire-- the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food,
heated his cave, and kept him alive.
If he could not start a fire,
he and his would surely die.
Even in most primitive man,
the need to create was part of his nature.
This need,this talent
clearly separated early man from animals,
who would never know this gift.
And here, in a cave
somewhere in the North American continent
about 2 million years ago,
the first artist was born.
And, of course, with the birth of the artist,
came the inevitable after birth...
The critic.
In the year 1 million BC,
it is thought the first homo sapien marriage occurred.
It was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage.
One of the first weapons man invented
was the spear.
[Pfftt!]
[Pfftt!]
Aah!
Aah...Ah ah...
Ohh...Ah--
In ancient times, man was ignorant
as to the cause and nature of death,
so death was greeted with a certain degree of awe.
-Aw... -Aw...
Bungwa.
But because man did not have the time
for complicated rituals,
funeral services were often brief.
-Aah! -Aah!
[Thud]
[Ptooey] [Ptooey]
Even in early man,
the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival.
Rrrr!
Aaaghh! Aah!
-Ha ha! -Ha ha!
Aahhhh!
Music began long before it was formalized
into notes and phrases.
For mankind, it began with an accident.
Goonga heard the sound and liked it.
Goonga begged Gowi to repeat the beautiful scream,
but Gowi could not.
So Goonga thought and thought,
and finally he found the answer.
Ahha aha ah--
Aaahhh--
Aah ah ah ah!
Aaahh--
Aaahhh!
Aahahah!
Wooh ahhh...
And so, music was born.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Halle-lu-jah!
Owh owh owh owhh!
Moses went to the mountain,
and God spoke unto him.
Moses,this is the Lord, thy God,
commanding you to obey my law!
Do you hear me?
Yes, I hear you, I hear you.
A deaf man could hear you.
What?
Nothing. Forget it.
Oh, Lord,why have You chosen me?
What would You have me do for you?
I shall give you my laws,
and you shall take them unto the people.
Yes, Lord!
[Thunder]
Wow!
Lord, I shall give these laws
unto Thy people.
Hear me! Oh, hear me!
All pay heed!
The Lord,the Lord Jehovah,
has given unto you these 15--
Oy!
10, 10 Commandments for all to obey!
Rome--vortex of modern civilization.
Rome--fountainhead of culture.
Rome--blazing pronouncement
of mankind's most glorious achievements.
All right, now. Columns, columns!
Columns! Columns! Get your columns here!
Ionic, doric, corinthian!
Put a few columns out in front,
turn any hovel into a show place!
Columns! Sir, don't TOUCH the merchandise!
All right, now. Columns, columns!
Haircut, shave, shampoo...blood letting!
Sooths! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here!
I can tell the future! You, sir!
For a weefee of two drachmas,
I can tell you your future!
Ha! Yes,yes! I see, I see!
I see that you are going on a lo-o-ong journey!
Yes. You, sir, are going to Rome!
But I am in Rome!
Do I lie?
-No! No! -Ha ha!
Ah ha! Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!
Ha ha ha!
Chariots! Used chariots!
Low mileage! They're great!
I'm very excited about it.
It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.
-Ha ha! -Ha ha!
Plumbing!
Plumbing!
Plumbing here! Plumbing!
Yes, citizens, plumbing!
It's the latest invention to hit Rome!
It moves water from one place to another!
It's astounding, it's amazing!
Get on the bandwagon!
Pipe the shit right out of your house!
Plumbing! Plumbing here!
Plumbing! Brand-new invention!
Occupation?
Gladiator.
Did you kill last week?
No.
Did you try to kill last week?
Yeah.
This is your last week of unemployment insurance.
Either kill somebody, or we'll have to change your status.
Sign here.
Next!
Occupation?
Standup philosopher.
What?
Standup philosopher.
I coalesce the vapor of human experience
into a viable and logical comprehension.
Oh! A bullshit artist!
Mmmmmm...
Did you bullshit last week?
No!
Did you try to bullshit last week?
Yes!
Comicus!
Comicus! Comicus!
Back in the line!
He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus.
Good news! I just got you a job!
Now you won't be needing this.
Wait a minute! That's mine!
I'm on my wine break!
[Smash!]
Ooh ooh oo!
Dopus!
I almost had the money in my hand.
I like that.
I bust my anus to get you a job, and you're angry?
You are nuts, N-V-T-S, nuts!
OK. What's the job?
Just the best gig in Rome,
a date that every standup philosopher, including Socrates,
would die for.
Believe it or not,you're going to play Caesars Palace!
The Main Room?
The Main Room!
-Groovus! -Groovus!
Let's not be late! The show starts in an hour!
The Main Room!
10, 10, 10. 20, 20, 20.
30,30,30. 40,40,4O.
Do I hear 50?
50!
Sold for 50 libra!
Oh, no!
Come here,you!
The slave auction is over!
Take these rejects to the Colosseum!
Sell them for lions' bait!
-No! -No!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
What is this with lions?
I cannot go to the lions
because I happen to know
that the lions only eat Christians!
I am a Jew,Jewish person.
I can prove it. Watch this. Look out.
SINGS: Havah nagilah, havah
Nagilah, havah
Nagilah,vaynism' chayh Everybody!
ALL SING: Havah nagilah, havah
Nagilah, havah
Nagilah, havah--
Now, hold it!
I'm Jewish, I'm telling you!
Call the temple, call the rabbi,
call Sammus Davis Jr! Call Sammus!
He'll vouch for me. We are tight.
Jewish, huh?
He missed. I jumped, and he missed.
It was his first day. He was nervous.
I got an appointment for Thursday.
He'll give me a local, bup, I'm out!
Get him out of here!
You could make a lot of money with me!
Wait a minute. Money? Come here.
How?
I'm very entertaining. I got special talents.
I'll show you. I need sand.
What?
Sand. You're standing on it.
Get the sand. What the hell's the matter with you?
Thank you.
Yes. A little sand on the stage
for the native shim-sham sand dance.
Look out. I'm going to start.
Bop a do ba bow
Born to do it!
-Ha ha ha! -Ha ha!
Hey,what country you from?
Ethiopia.
What part?
125th Street.
-Ha ha! -Ha ha!
I'll sign him.
The big turn.
And that's the Ethiopian... shim-sham!
-Ooh! -Ahh!
He's great!
He's good!
The kid is wonderful!
[Horse neighs]
[Thump!]
Go on, lazy brute, get up!
You're costing me good money!
-Oh! -Oh!
-Oh! -Oh!
Please! Stop it! The poor thing's in pain!
Out of the way, or you'll get the same!
No! You mustn't!
Aah!
Hey! Hey! What, are you crazy?
Aaugh!
Whoa! Ohh!
Oh!
Ohh! Oww! Mmm!
Little shot. Thanks.
Oh,thank you.
He was beating that poor, exhausted horse.
Oh, gee.
Oh, he's not exhausted.
Here's the problem. Ahh!
See?
[Horse neighs]
Come on, boy. You can get up. Come on,fella.
Neigh!
-Yay! -Yay!
Wait a minute. I know this horse.
He used to be thefastest horse at the chariot races.
His name is Miracle.
Neigh!
Miracle? Oh,what a beautiful name!
What's yours?
Miracle--uh, Comicus. I'm a standup philosopher.
Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I work at the palace.
We're going to be there!
Really? Aah!
Whack!
Aaarugh!
Wow!
Put her there, pal.
Man,you saved my life!
I'm Comicus, standup philosopher. Who are you?
I'm Josephus. I'm the main course at the Colosseum.
Say hello to some friends--
my agent, Swiftus Lazarus.
Looked good, man.
This is Miriam, a vestal virgin.
Hi.
Hi.
Seize him!
Oh, seize this, Honkus!
Don't say that to the cops!
Do you know the punishment for a slave
who strikes a Roman citizen?
I do!
OK. You. You had your hand up first.
Death by torture!
No. You?
Crucifixion!
Wrong.
They shove a living snake up your ass.
Ah, no, but that's very creative. Uh,you.
They send you to the lions!
-Right! -No!
What do you mean, no? He was right!
[Royal fanfare]
-Ahh! -Ooh!
It's the Empress!
It's Nympho!
Move that miserable piece of shit!
-Yay! -Yay!
Halt!
Stop.
Could you please...
step on the same foot at the same time?
My tits are falling off!
Empress Nympho! Empress Nympho!
Miriam,what are you doing here?
Vestal virgins aren't allowed outside the palace
without an escort.
Empress,this man just saved our lives,
and now they want to kill him!
We need your help!
Which one? The white guy or the colored guy?
The colored--the slave. Please spare his life!
Perhaps you can use him at the palace. He's truly gifted.
Gifted. Bob?
Yes,Your Highness.
Oh, Bob?
Do I have any openings that this man might fit?
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Well,we could use another wine steward.
I got a great corkscrew.
-Woo! -Woo!
Hey,this is a hip crowd.
All right. We'll schlep him along!
For the time being,we'll use him as a litter bearer.
Oh,thank you,Your Highness!
Oh, good, oh, good!
Good work, good work!
Litter bearers, prepare to move!
Litter bearers, march!
-Yay! -Yay!
See you at the palace.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Hey,we got to go.
We'll see you later.
Bye-bye!
[Royal fanfare]
All hail Caesar, Emperor of Rome,
monarch of the Roman Empire,
ruler of the world!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
Hail--
[Burp!]
Ohh...Ohh...
[Bthht!]
[Fanfare]
[Pfftt!]
All hail the commander of His Majesty's Roman legions,
the brave and noble Marcus Vindictus,
who returns to Rome after winning a great victory
over the Cretins at Sparta.
Make that the Spartans at Crete!
Remember,thou art mortal.
Remember,thou art mortal.
Remember,thou art mortal.
Remember,thou art mortal.
Oh, blow it out your ass.
Ohh!
Oh, Caesar--
[Burp!]
I have brought your illustrious name before the earth.
I've subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes
in the name of Rome.
I've penetrated into the farthest--
What's under the sheet?
Sheet?
Sheet!
Sheet! Oh! Oh,the sheet,yes.
To begin with, number one--
a beautiful hand-carved alabaster...
bathing vessel!
Nice.
Nice.
Not thrilling...but nice.
Aha! But to fill the tub,
behind curtain number two,
treasure from the Orient!
[Music playing]
[Applause]
Treasure...
Bathtub...
Treasure bath.
I'm going to have a treasure bath!
Treasure bath!
Treasure bath! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Do it! Do it to me!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything
if you would only grant me your favors.
How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you?
What bait must I use to catch your love?
I am your servant.
Ah, but the servant waits
while the master bathes.
Yes--
Hee hee hee--
Ahh! Ohh!
Here. Wash this.
Uh,yes, sire.
The muse...is upon me!
Thank you, Caesar.
All be quiet!
His Divine Immortality has consented to favor us
with a new poem.
Speak,
oh, glorious Caesar!
Speak.
You faggot!
Oh,yes, sire. Thank you.
Bring me a small lyre.
Small liar!
I didn't do it! I wasn't even there!
The check is in the mail!
Not that kind of liar! Tmkd hnn audht!
What?
Take him out!
Oh!
Miriam,wine!
Josephus,wine.
Say when.
8:30.
It's so lonely at the top of Olympus!
More women! More wine!
More--
Ha ha ha!
Ok,faggot! What's next?
Comicus,the new standup philosopher from Vesuvius.
Good!
I like a mountain comic!
Comicus...
You're on.
[Playing Hooray for Hollywood]
Good evening, ladies and emperors.
I just got back from Venice,
and, boy, are my arms tired.
[Rimshots]
[Pfftt!] Ha ha ha!
Venice is a very old city, very wonderful, ancient city.
You can learn a lot.
Want to make a Venetian blind? Like this!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Have you all heard about this new sect,the Christians?
They are a laugh riot.
First,they are so poor...
How poor are they?
Thank you. They are so poor...
that they have only one god!
-Ha ha! -Ha ha!
[Rimshots]
Ho ho ho!
We Romans are rich. We got a god for everything,
only we don't have a god for premature ejaculation...
But I hear that that's coming quickly.
Ho ho! Ho ho! Ooh!
The little fag gets it. Ha ha!
Terrific. Terrific.
Let's face it. What's the rage today?
Losing weight is all the rage.
Everybody in Rome is either in a steam room
or a vomitarium.
Half of Rome is either cooking or puking!
Cooking or puking! Ha ha ha!
But you can't blame these people
for wanting to be thin.
Who wants to look like a big fat pig?
-Oh! -Oh!
Did he say "Bigfat pig"?
Yes, he did, sire.
Did he mean me?
I believe so.
Get off the fat jokes!
Get off fat! Get off fat!
F--No fat. N--no.
Uh,there's two Jews got off--no.
Uh, Syrian--[pfftt!]
Uh...No, uh...
Politics, politics, politics, politics!
Politics! Yes! The Roman Senate.
The Roman Senate is the best legislature
that money can buy!
Corruption starts in the streets
with the little peddlers.
They bribe an assemblyman, he bribes a councilman,
the councilman bribes a senator, and the senator...
It goes all the way to the Emperor!
Shit!
Kill him!
Taxi!
Wait! No autographs, no autographs!
Seize him!
Seize him!
More wine!
More wine.
[Burp]
Boy,when you die at the palace,
you really die.
Aah! Arrgh! Aah!
Oops?
Aarrrrghhh!
K...
Kill him,too!
Please, Empress, save them!
Wait!
Ah! I've just had a wonderful idea!
What was my idea?
Oh,yes!
Let these two fools fight each other
to the death during dessert!
Ha ha ha!
Mmm!
Ha ha ha!
We who are about to-- boo hoo hoo--die
salute you!
Salute.
All right. All right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Thank you.
I never killed another human being in my life,
But you got to start sometime!
Oooh!
Oooh! Maniac!
Hey! Wait! Watch it!
Wait!
Isn't that Lena Horne over there?
[Laughter]
Ah! Oh!
Oh, Emperor, spare this poor man.
He has fought so bravely for your amusement.
Let him...
-Oh! -Oh!
die.
-Oh! -Oh!
Tough shit.
Oooh! Please!
Oh, please, buddy.
Ooh!
Ah ya ya ya ya!
Aah! Easy!
Oh, I can't do it!
Take the shield. We'll fight our way out.
Guards, destroy them!
You're the first white person I even considered liking.
Oh,the tide is turning.
Hold it right there.
In the name of Caesar--
[Whistles]
The rope!
Aah!
[Emperor] No! Your hands are cold!
Find them! Capture them!
Kill them!
[Clucking]
Wash this!
Whoa!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, it's you.
This way, men!
All right!
Forget that shit.
I almost fell.
Virgins,fall out!
-Oh! -Oh! Oh!
Competence--
Oh, Competence,tell me.
What will happen to those two rogues when they are caught?
If they're captured, they're hung.
Not necessarily. Ha ha!
My goodness!
Where are you leading me?
To the reviewing stand.
You must choose your escorts
for the midnight orgy.
Send them in.
Quickly, march!
Arms rest!
Very nice selection.
I'm going to start on this end.
Hmmm.
SINGS: Yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no
Yes! No, no, no, no, no, no
Yes, no, no,yes
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no,yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Wait a minute!
SINGS: Yeeeeees!
Ole!
That'll be all.
Quick time harch!
I love quick time harch.
Where are we?
Don't worry.
Who's that?
Quick. Hide behind the drape.
I liked your choices. You made some very big decisions.
Thank you.
Stick together. They couldn't have gotten far.
Halt!
All right,virgins,
put on your "no entry" signs.
[Giggling]
We are about to confront...guys!
How dare you?
No men may search the Empress' quarters.
As you wish.
You're beautiful when you--
Shove it!
Speak up, Mucus!
Eunuch.
[Speaking Italian]
...caca.
What?
That slave over there. He looks rather puny.
When eunuchs are castrated,
don't they become enormous?
It's Josephus, your wine steward.
Please help him.
[Coughs]
You have to give him some time.
He has just been snipped.
-Ooh! -Ooh!
If he is truly a eunuch like the others,
there would be no harm to take the test.
Test?
Test?
[High voice] Test?
Hmpf!
Test.
Eunuchs! Come down here.
Let us have Caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance
in praise of Eros.
And if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs...
Hmm hmm hmm!
..then nothing should arise.
Get it?
[Bang]
[Whimper]
Caladonia!
Caladonia! Let's make their big heads so hard!
He's a eunuch.
Yeah.
He is a eunuch.
He's dead.
He'll never survive!
-Ooh! -Oh!
The jig is up!
And gone!
After him!
Go on, men, get him!
Quick. Back through the corridor.
He's heading for the Senate.
We can meet him near the cloakroom.
In pectorum, quid pro quo.
In pecuniam, sic transit gloria.
I didn't know Gloria was sick.
Where is he?
Don't worry. He has to come this way.
He should have been here.
The Senate is in session.
All fellow members of the Roman Senate, hear me.
Shall we continue to build palace after palace
for the rich,
or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose
and build housing for the poor?
How does the Senate vote?
ALL: Fuck the poor!
Good.
Oh! Josephus.
The man was dead when I got there, I swear!
Where you been? Who was dead?
How do we get out of here?
Put this on.
I'll find Swiftus then meet you at the theater.
The theater just across from the baths.
Good-bye.
Stop with the good-byes!
If we do escape, will you come with us?
Of course.
Of course. Of course!
Good-bye.
Of course! She's coming with us!
She's coming with us.
There's some of the senators.
Right behind these guys. Here we go.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Give to Oedipus!
[Bang]
Give to Oedipus!
[Bang]
Hey,Josephus!
Hey, motherfucker.
SONG: Funky town
Won't you take me to
Funky town?
Won't you take me to
Funky town?
They should have been here over 30 grains ago!
What could be keeping them?
I don't know.
There they are! Come on!
Come on.
Now, hurry. Walk this way.
Hurry. Get into these Trojan costumes.
...punching a hole in the left.
Keep punching a hole in the right.
Keep punching a hole, let's fight!
Relax. Casual. Casual.
No matter what happens, don't panic.
Don't panic.
Keep punching a hole in the left.
Keep punching a hole in the right.
There they are!
Panic!
-Oh! -Aah!
Keep punching a hole in the left.
Keep punching a hole...
Captain Mucus! Let's get after them.
You take the left flank.
[Bang]
Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?
I flunked flank.
Get the funk out of here.
Here. This way.
Chemist, help me. I'm looking for a pack of Trojans.
Gee, I just ran out.
Captain Mucus.
Captain Mucus, have you found anything?
Nothing, Commander, nothing!
Search all the market places, the square.
Half you men search that area over there.
And the others will run with Mucus.
We've got to get out of Rome.
But how?
The streets are crawling with soldiers.
Oh,we'll never get out of Rome.
Only a miracle can save us.
Neigh!
Miracle!
Miracle!
Miracle!
Neigh!
We gotta get to that wagon.
Wait here.
[Whinny]
Come on. Hurry!
Aha!
No,you don't!
-Ha ha! -Ha ha ha!
Oh, my God!
I'm fighting with card board!
Good-bye, head!
Hello, balls!
Oh! Ah! Oh!
Ahh haa haa!
Come on, Comicus!
Waa!
Hurry,take off!
Let's go, Miracle!
What--Commander.
Where are they?
[High voice] Get the horses!
Get the chariots. Get the men.
Onward!
Get me an ice pack. Hurry!
Where you going?
I don't know!
Uh-oh. Here come the bad guys.
Come on, Miracle, hurry. They're gaining on us.
Hurry!
Come on, Miracle. Go, boy!
Come on! We're gaining on them!
They're gaining on us!
Come on, Miracle!
Go, boy, go! Stretch out those long white legs!
We're pulling away! We're losing them!
Ya! Ya!
Quickly! Go to the left! Go to the right!
Stop!
I smell something familiar!
Yes! Yes! I got an idea!
Pull over!
Pull over!
I knew I smelled something.
Are you crazy? They're right behind us!
The nose knows.
What the heck is he--
Why is he picking flowers?
Roman red.
Roman red?
A whole field of wacky weed.
He's picking weeds!
Papyrus. Rolling papyrus.
Paper! Paper!
What kind of paper? Like this?
That's good.
E-Z Widers. These people don't know the value.
Josephus, hurry!
Hold this.
Yes, indeed!
They'll be here any minute!
Not to worry. We are now armed with mighty joint.
Mighty joint?
Let's go, Miracle!
Hurry! You've got to catch them!
Quickly! After them!
We've got to-- We've got to--
get...moving.
It's working!
It's working!
We got to stay loose,you know.
Let it cool--
Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.
Woo! Woo!
Woo!
Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo!
Yahoo! Yeeha!
You men go northward!
You go southward!
I'm going to walk here round in a circle.
What will we do? We're trapped.
Who's that?
Look what he's done.
Oh, my God!
Oh,what a wonderful man!
Wow.
Let's go, Miracle!
And keep 'em up.
You son of a bitch! You bastard!
An old man, they don't let you live.
They don't let you breathe.
[Muttering in Hebrew]
That son of a bitch!
Go this way.
Why?
It's a short cut to the port.
There's a ship leaving for Judea.
-Judea? -Judea!
I'm going to stay right here.
No, I'm going to move here.
Do you care if it falls?
What?
The Roman Empire.
Fuck it.
Is that our men? Why have they stopped?
Oh, Marcus...
Why have you stopped?
Why aren't you still chasing them?
Have you lost your senses?
Do you want to be stripped of your rank?
Do you want to be thrown into the dungeon?
Do you want to dance?
Lindus!
[Big band music playing]
Look,there's the ship
that will take us to Judea!
SING: We're off on the road to Judea
We certainly do get around
Boom chicky boom chicky boom chicky boom...
See. I told you there was work to befound here.
You're right.
"Help wanted. Cashier,waiter, and dishwasher."
I'm going to be...waiter.
I'll be cashier.
I'll be the hat check girl.
All right, I'll be the dishwasher.
I'll scout the area for a possible club date.
I'll try Galilee.
King Herod is bringing in gambling!
[As John Wayne] Let's go, Miracle.
Take care, Swiftus.
Bye! Bye, Miracle.
Comicus!
[Claps hands]
Sir.
Now,tonight we have a private party.
Take their orders.
Be correct.
Be polite.
And push the mulled wine. We're stuck with it.
Don't write it now. Go.
Yes, sir.
You can't get any good help today.
Pfft!
Before this night is over,
one of you shall betray me three times.
-No. -No. No.
How can you feel that anyone here would betray you,
you who we would follow even unto our death?
Does everybody want soup?
Please,we must talk.
This may be our last supper.
It's my first order.
Are you all together, or is it separate checks?
Please go away!
All right, OK.
Yea,yea, so you say,
but one who sits amongst us
has already betrayed me.
-Who? -Who?
Who can it be?
Judas! Do you want a beverage?
Try the mulled wine.
No!
Go! Go! Go!
All right. All right. Jesus.
Yes?
What?
What?
What?
Yes.
Jesus!
What?
W--you said "what."
What?
Nothing.
Ah, Leonardo.
Buon giorno.
Just a second.
It's all right. We ordered a group portrait.
Ahh.
Oh!
This is no good.
All I got is the backs.
OK. Everybody want to be in the picture,
go to the other side of the table.
Hold it.
[Gregorian chant]
Aah!
[Whip cracks]
Aah!
[Crack!]
Aah!
The year was 1489.
The black plague ravaged the continent.
It was the hour of the infamous auto-da-fe,
where,for public amusement, heretics and non believers
were tortured and burned in a carnival-like atmosphere.
And it was guided by the most fearful specter
to ever sit in judgment over good and evil--
The Grand Inquisitor...
Torquemada.
All pay heed! Now enters his holiness,Torquemada,
the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.
[Gong]
Torquemada--do not implore himfor compassion.
Torquemada--do not beg him for forgiveness.
Torquemada--do not ask him for mercy.
Let's face it. You can't talk him outta anything.
[Gong]
Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways
and to accept and embrace the true church
convert now or forever burn in hell,
for now begins the Inquisition!
SONG: The Inquisition
Let's begin
The Inquisition
Look out, sin
We have a mission
To convert the Jews
Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jews
We're gonna teach them
Wrong from right
We're gonna help them
See the light
And make an offer
That they can't refuse
That the Jews just can't refuse
Confess
Confess, confess
Don't be boring
Say yes
Say yes, say yes
Don't be dull
A fact
You're ignoring
It's better to lose your skull capthan your skull
Oy gevalt!
The Inquisition
What a show
The Inquisition
Here we go
We know you're wishin'
That we'd go away
But the Inquisition's here
And it's here to stay
The Inquisition, oh, boy
The Inquisition,what joy
The Inquisition, Oy! Oy!
I was sitting in a temple, minding my own business
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass
Then these Papist persons plunge in
And they throw me in a dungeon
And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass
Is that considerate? ls that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight
I'm sittin' flickin' chickens
And I'm lookin' through the pickin's
And suddenly these goys break down my walls
I didn't even know them
And they grabbed me by the scrotum
And they started playing ping-pong with my balls
Oy,the agony!
Ooh,the shame!
To make my privates publicfor a game
The Inquisition
What a show
The Inquisition
Here we go
We know you're wishin'
That we'd go away
But the Inquisition's here
And it's here to--
Hey,Torquemada, what do you say?
I just got back from the auto-da-fe
Auto-da-fe? What's an auto-da-fe?
It's what you oughtn't to do, but you do anyway
Skit skatvoodle de vat and toodle de day
Will you convert?
No, no, no, no
Will you confess?
No, no, no, no
Will you revert?
No, no, no, no
Will you say yes?
No, no, no, no
Now I ask in a nice way, I said "pretty please"
I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees
Aaah!
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Hey,Torquemada, walk this way
We got a little game that you might want to play
So pull that handle, try your luck
Who knows,Torque? you might win a buck
[Bell rings]
Put it in the car.
-In the car. -In the car.
How we doing? Any converts today?
-Not a one. -Nay, nay, nay.
We'll flatten their fingers, we've branded their buns.
Nothing is working.
Send in the nuns!
[Bell tolls]
Whoa!
Aaah!
Oy!
The Inquisition
What a show
The Inquisition
Here we go
We know you're wishin'
That we'd go away
So come on,you Moslems and you Jews
We've got big news for all of yous
You better change your point of views
Today
'Cause the Inquisition's here
And it's here
To
Stay
[Playing La Marseillaise]
Paris. A cityfilled with poverty,
misery, and despair.
The time was ripe for revolution.
Apple cores!
Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich!
Apple cores!
Apple cores!
Rats! Rats!
Nice dead rats for sale!
Perfect for rat stew,
rat soup, rat pie,
and the ever popular
ratatouille.
Nothing!
Nothing!
I got absolutely nothing for sale!
Rats! Rats!
Sir, help me. I'm starving.
Help me.
Get away,you swine.
Please! Money,food, anything. Help me.
Get your filthy hands off me. Begone!
-Please! -Please!
I'm starving to death!
Look what we have come to--
beggars begging from beggars.
Bonjour, Madame de Farge.
Bonjour, scum.
All right, keep quiet. The meeting begins.
Fellow wretches...
I don't have to tell you
that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.
-Yes. -Yes.
Families don't even have enough money for bread.
-No. -No.
We are down to almost nothing.
Last week, I myself ran out of wool.
[Ding]
We have no rights.
We have no say.
-No! -No!
We have no dignity!
-No! -No!
We are so poor,
we do not even have a language.
Just a stupid accent.
-She's right! -She's right!
We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.
Auh hauh hauh!
-Auh hauh hauh! -Auh hauh hauh!
What we need...
is a new language--
A song that speaks of struggle,
that speaks of triumph.
[Pop]
[Ssss]
It is timefor action!
-Yes! Yes! -Yes!
Everybody, stand!
Repeat after me--
[Cough cough cough spit]
[Cough cough cough spit]
No, no, no, dumb scum.
I mean, death to King Louis!
Death to King Louis!
Good! Good!
And now, let's end this meeting
on a high note.
[All sing a high note]
With this long trip and this exhausting conversation,
I'm famished. Bearnaise...
Yes?
Do we have any of those...
delicious raisins left?
You ate yours.
These are mine.
Au contraire.
They are mine. I paid for them.
Hand them over.
"Au contraire. I paid for them.
"They are mine."
Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.
-Food! -Food!
Count de Money!
Count de Money!
Count de Money!
Count de Money!
Count de Money!
De Monet! De Monet!
-Count de Money! -Count de Money!
Aah!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
We should get rid of your tailor.
I don't like your cuffs.
I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.
A man's cuffs should be even
with the tip of his pee-pee.
Yours are all the way down to your balls.
At least I have them.
You bitch!
Lackey!
Count de Money.
De Monet.
Monet. Say it.
Mo-nay.
Mo-nay.
Perfect. Don't forget it.
Say it again.
Monet.
Where's His Majesty?
Playing chess.
Chess?
I hate chess.
Th-th-th!
It's your move,Your Majesty.
I'm quite aware of that, you petite putz.
I see.
Knight to rook4!
Your move, Popinjay.
Yes, sire.
Oh...
Pawn threatens bishop!
What the hell did you say?
Pawn threatens bishop!
All right! I understood.
Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Popinjay,
I'm invoking the King's privilege.
Three moves to one.
Knight jumps Queen!
Whoops!
Bishop jumps Queen!
Ah!
Pawns jump Queen!
-Oh! -Ah!
Gang bang!
Come on, let's all jumpthe Queen.
Whip out those little dicks! Here we go!
What a spectacle.
-Oh! -Oh!
-Oh! -Oh!
Isn't the Queen a good sport?
And he's such a fool.
Nevertheless,we must do everything we can
to save the thing that divine right and history
have placed on his head.
His wig?
No,you twit, his crown--
the symbol of "might makes right,"
the thing our fortunes and titles are attached to,
the monarchy.
-Ah! -Oh!
Will you speak to His Majesty?
Perhaps later. We've had such a bouncy journey.
Where is the garcon de piss?
There he is.
Merci, monsieur.
Piss boy!
Ah, oui, monsieur!
Oui, oui.
Yes, a lot of it.
S'il vous plait.
Keep searching. You'll find it.
Leave me alone. I can handle this.
[Tinkling]
Ah!
You look familiar. Who do you look like?
Je ne sais pas.
Who is that girl?
She's gorgeous.
Pardon, pardon, pardon.
Yes?
You are pissing on my shoe.
Sorry. Mind your pail!
Sorry.
[Tinkling stops]
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Wait for the shake.
[Tinkle]
There,there.
That's for you.
Piss off.
Thank you. I'll get it later.
Oh,that's better.
Let the Queen up!
She's been so good to all of us!
Ooh!
Ooh!
There's a naughty bit of crumpet!
Mmm!
Oh!
Your Majesty.
How's it going, Marie?
It's good to be the King.
Ah!
Hmmm.
[Sniff]
[Sniff]
Everything's so green.
Majesty, may I have a word with you?
Ooh! Care for a toot?
Non. Merci.
Don't indulge? Well, that leaves more for us.
Who are you?
Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.
Mmm. Nice names.
Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you?
My father, Monsieur Rimbaud,
for 10 years has languished in the Bastille.
If I don't get him out soon, he will surely die.
I throw myself on your mercy. Please release him.
Why was he put into the Bastille?
He said something at a royal dinner party.
What did he say?
He said, "the poor ain't so bad."
"The poor ain't so bad"!
You're lucky he's still alive.
Please,Your Majesty, don't let him die.
I'll do anything to gain his pardon. Anything.
Anything?
Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent.
I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
You don't put out, he don't get out.
But Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
Come on. You do it. You know you do it.
We love to do it. You do it.
No, I don't.
You want to do it.
I do it. I love to do it.
I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again.
Don't tell me you don't do it.
You do it, or your father dies. Hump or death.
Humperdinck?
Not Humperdinck. Hump or death.
You got 10 seconds
to make up your mind.
Hump, death. Hump, death.
Hump, death.
Your time is running out!
All right, all right! Hump! Oh!
Very good. I'm glad you thought it over.
Be at my chambers at midnight.
A tout a I'heure.
Wait.
Don't wear anything...
complicated.
Ah.
Ohh.
It's good to be the King.
Your Majesty, I must speak to you. Aah!
Ah,the Count de Money.
De--
Don't correct me. What is it?
Of course,Your Majesty.
I've come on urgent business.
It is said that the people are revolting.
Yeah. They stink on ice.
This is a serious problem.
The peasants feel you have no regard for them.
What? I have no regard for the peasants?
They are my people. I am their sovereign.
I love them. Pull!
[Gunshot]
Aaaah!
Drifting to the left.
Your Majesty, the situation is worsening.
The peasants may grow violent.
Violent?
Yes.
I hate violence.
It's the one thing I detest. Violence.
I abhor it. Pull!
[Gunshot]
Aaah!
Fell like a stone.
ButYour Majesty,
just in case of the remote possibility
of a temporary revolution,
wouldn't it be wise to have you safely spirited out of Paris?
Perhaps you're right.
But who would sit on my throne?
We'll find a double.
Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it.
Ha ha ha!
But where would you find a handsome dog to replace me?
Oh,yes. Of course, of course. That's it!
Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy.
And you look like a bucket of shit!
You don't understand, Your Majesty.
It is God's will, sire.
Except for the beauty mark and the mustache.
There's our double.
You're right. I do look like the piss boy.
At the first sign of trouble,
he shall be King. Go.
Immediately, sire.
Garcon, I must have a word with you.
I'm not finished.
You're finished. Come with me.
You'refinished.
Ooh!
Lackey.
Your Majesty.
Ohh!
It's good to be the King.
Good. Now the beauty mark.
It's coming.
Na na na!
Wonderful. No one would ever suspect
that His Royal Highness is really the lowly piss boy.
Ha ha ha!
This is never going to work.
Please, Count de Money--
De Monet.
De Monet, Dubonnet, see Bonet.
It won't work. I can't behave like a King!
Please. See? See? I can't even walk like a King.
I can't walk in heels. He's good in heels.
Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you dressing me up like the King?
It's very simple, really.
Is my hair all right?
Dreadful.
Well,fix it.
Recently,there has been a rumor
about a revolution,
and if this revolution should succeed,
the people will cut off the King's head.
But if there is a double on the throne,
the King can remain safe
while they cut off the double's head.
I get it. Whoa! I get it!
[Knock knock knock]
They're here to kill me!
Hide. I'll see who it is.
All right,take me!
Ravage me,Your Majesty!
A bargain is a bargain!
All right.
Wait! You're not the King.
True. I am the Count de Money. De Monet.
The King is temporarily indisposed.
You've come to the right place.
Please.
You seem troubled, my dear.
Let me helpyou.
Whah.
I don't see how you can.
Why not?
I've decided to trade my virginity
for my father's freedom
and submit to the King's lustful wants.
Uh suh luh--
[Clink]
Ohh.
Chipped.
This is the saddest night of my life.
And the happiest night of mine.
[Sobbing]
Excuse me.
Whooaa!
Whoa!
[Branches breaking]
Count?
Count de Money! Count de Money!
[Weakly] De Monet. De Monet.
Excuse me. Did you see the Count?
He was here a moment ago.
Oh! All right!
Your Majesty, please ravage me!
Gee, I just ate.
Oh,take me, Your Majesty! Take me!
Where?
Defile me! Humiliate me!
Only do it! Hump, hump, hump!
[Whistles]
It's good to be the King.
Look,why don't we go out to dinner, have some wine,
see a few nude paintings--
Get in the mood,you know?
I don't understand.
You said if I let you have your way with me,
you'd let my father out of the dungeon.
Ah! That's what I said!
For all intents and purposes,
I'm the King, right?
There must be a pardon in my desk.
We'll get your daddy out of jail.
Let's look through the desk.
Must be thousands of pardons in the King's desk.
Here we go. OK.
Execution, execution, execution, execution.
Execution, ex--
Tough guy.
Must be a pardon somewhere.
Let's see.
Ah, one. One left.
We're lucky. Yes.
Let's see. Your father's name?
Rimbaud.
Rrrimbaud. How do you spell Rrr? Never mind.
Rimbaud. Is that French?
Oui.
All right. Here we go.
July 14, 1789. Signed by Louis-- let's see.
Quatorze, quinze-- sixteen, sixteen.
How do you say sixteen in French?
Seize.
Seize you. Good.
OK. Roll this up.
Now,you give this to the head officer at the jail,
and he will set your father free.
Oh, Majesty.
[Tweet tweet]
Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet.
Hello?
No song for me today, Pierre? Eh?
What's the matter with you?
Cat got your tongue?
Rowr!
I was right.
It got his tongue, eyes, and beak-- the lot.
Oh, dearie me.
Not so lucky, Pierre.
Oh,you naughty pussy.
Naughty, naughty pussy.
And now to invent the catapult.
Rowr!
Yreow!
He's in there.
Father!
Aah!
Oh, my darling father, I have good news!
You're free!
Rowr! Free!
Did you hear that, my little winged friends?
Free,free!
And so they shall be free,too!
Too!
Fly, my pretty one! Fly!
Whee!
The sky's your playground!
Happy landings!
Mother. Mrs. Schultz.
Hurry, Father,
before the King changes his mind.
[Explosion]
What a racket! I can't sleep.
Guns,fireworks!
Quick,your Majesty! It's a revolution!
You've got to escape!
They're storming the palace!
So that's the noise! The revolution!
I'm free! I'm free!
My father,the man you pardoned.
I thought I'd never live to see the day
when I was once again--
Yes,yes.
[Snoring]
Dad!
Aaah!
Whatfool put a carpet on the wall?
Hurry up!
You're not as tall as you used to be.
Quick! Hurry!
What the-- Who designed this place?
[Crowd yelling]
That way! That way!
There he is!
Wait! Wait! You're making a big mistake!
In the name of the people of France--
Frawnce.
Frawnce. We place you, King Louis,
under arrest.
But--dot dot dot-- you don't understand.
Take him away.
Take them all away!
No! Wait! I'm with you!
Whee!
Whee!
[Yelling]
Courage, my dear.
Watch me and take heart by my example.
I may not have been born a King
or lived like a King,
but I can die like a King.
Your Majesty,you're next.
Do you require a blindfold?
None.
Have you any last words?
None.
Test the guillotine.
[Crowd roars]
Holy shit! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Last request. Last request.
What is your last request?
Novocain.
There is no such thing known to medical science.
I'll wait.
Seize him!
Off with his head!
Please, listen to me. I'm not the King!
-Bullshit! -Bullshit!
It's a very hard crowd.
Seize him!
Wait! Give me a break!
I don't want to die! Don't hurt me!
Only a miracle can save him!
Neigh!
It's Miracle!
I don't believe it! Josephus!
Whoa!
Hey, baby! Get down. Get down.
Jump. Get down.
Come on.
How'd you get all the way here from the Roman Empire?
Don't be square, mon cher.
Movies is magic!
Uh-oh. We had better kiss soon!
Why?
We're coming to the end.
See?
Oh, my darling.
[Smack]
Oh, my love.
This is a big ending.
Wait! Where are you going?
[Waltz playing]
SING: Ohh ohh ohh
Ohh ohh ohh
Ohh ohh ohh
Ohh
We're Jews out in space
We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race
We're Jews out in space
If trouble appears
We'll put it right back in its place
When Goyim attack us
We'll give 'em a smack
We'll slap 'em right back in the face
We're Jews out in space
We're zooming along
Protecting the Hebrew race
TLF - The In-Laws
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Turn Left Turn Right
Tuxedo The
Tvilling 25fps
Twentieth Century 1934
Twins
Twins Effect 2 2004
Twins Effect The
Twisted
Twister
Two Brothers
Two Can Play That Game
Two Champions Of Shaolin