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Things Are Tough All Over

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A lot of people think Elvis is the king of rock 'n' roll.
But I say it's Chuck Berry.
Chuck Berry will always be the king in my book.
He even went to jail for rock 'n' roll.
I really admire a guy who stands up for what he believes in.
I remember one time, I learned a Chuck Berry intro to Johnny B. Goode.
Took me six months.
I had to slow the record down. I learned it note for note.
Then our singer changed keys on us. What a bummer.
You gotta respect rock 'n' roll, too...
...'cause it'll kill you. It killed Elvis.
A lot of people think it was the drugs, but it wasn't the drugs.
What happens is rock 'n' roll is so much fun...
...you take drugs to enjoy it, you know?
And then you take so much drugs you forget what you're taking...
...and next thing you know, it kills you.
And you know, it's not even the drugs that'll kill you.
What really kills you is looking for drugs.
Keeps you up all night.
When I was heavy into drugs...
...I'd be up three days looking for some toot or something.
I said, "To hell with that." So I put it down.
I haven't done any drugs or smoked a joint or nothing for a whole week.
And I feel so good, I want to get high. You know what I mean?
Shit...
That's my partner.
He usually don't have much to say.
But that'll show you what 20 cups of coffee will do.
And that's me. I'm really handsome, huh?
I've heard all this stuff before 'cause we've been driving for three days straight.
See, we started off in Chicago, you know?
We were there during the coldest day in history.
It was like 80 below, you know?
It was even colder if you lived down by the lake, you know?
And it was even colder if you were Mexican, you know?
Then if you're a Mexican who lived by the lake, it was...
Okay.
What I'm trying to say is, things were tough all over.
But see, we were lucky, 'cause at least we had a job.
Come on, be a customer.
Come on in, brother.
All right, we got a customer.
Welcome to Mekka Car Wash.
Say, I want you to be real clean with my machine, you know?
And I'm aware of all the tapes I got in my car, too.
I got no Freddy Fender.
Get lost.
Yeah, I'm cleaning it up right now.
Turn the heat up.
My toes are like bricks.
Look at this car.
How somebody could take a perfectly good car and mess it up.
Look at this dash.
If it was mine, I'd do it chartreuse green...
...with a nice big blue diamond there.
Some baby booties coming off it. That'd be heavy.
Look, this guy put leopard skin.
I'd put tiger skin. That's much richer.
Get rid of this shit.
Put one of them little chain wheels on.
Then lower the whole sucker.
It's cold.
Give me a hit.
- It's not lit. - I can't get my fingers to work.
Tobacco.
Wonder if he got any tapes.
What'd he lock his glove compartment for? The punk.
He's probably just got mama-jama music anyway.
You smell something burning?
Don't you look at the ashtrays before you empty them?
Look, that's still burning.
You're making it worse.
That whole cigarette pack's on fire.
Stamp it out!
- Fire! - Help!
We're moving!
The handle!
Fuck!
Help!
How do I unlock this?
That's the top.
Window!
Shit!
Get it up!
We're going in it.
I can't breathe.
Stop this car!
Help!
It got in my mouth!
Shit!
I can't see anything!
Stop this thing!
Get us out of here!
My car!
Get out of my car!
Did you want spray wax?
We didn't keep the car wash job for too long. We got fired.
Actually, we didn't get fired. We got another job.
The Arabs that owned the car wash also owned this nightclub.
And they needed a band. So we put a band together. Why not?
What we did is, we went out and got the heaviest players in town...
...that would work for nothing.
And we put this heavy, monster group together.
We were really good, too.
Good evening, everybody.
We want to welcome you all to the Club Mekka.
We're glad everybody could make it tonight.
Glad to see all your smiling, friendly faces out here.
We wanna give you a really good show tonight.
We're gonna knock your socks off.
We wanna take you for a little trip down memory lane.
Just imagine, everybody, you're cruising down Whittier Boulevard.
Everybody remember Whittier Boulevard?
Anybody here from the Phantoms Car Club?
How about, anybody here from Garfield High?
How about Lincoln?
How about Verdugo, any vatos from Verdugo High here?
Get down!
All right. So just pretend you're in the back seat of a '53 Chevy.
And you got a little bottle of Ripple with you, a little Vegas pink.
Listening to your Vibrasonic.
Got your arm around your best girl.
The other arm around a little bit of reefer. All right!
Get down.
All right.
So get ready for a trip down Whittier Boulevard!
"I said, hey"
Okay, 2, 3, 4...
"Hey
"Babe don't come here no more
"My babe don't come here no more"
We were just this totally hot band.
We were getting standing ovations and everything.
They couldn't even wait to hear what we were gonna play next.
We even had groupies.
These high-class French chicks used to come and see us play every night.
They were hung up on us.
The only thing is, they were the bosses' girlfriends.
But you know, all's fair in rock 'n' roll.
Stop!
Okay!
"I said, hey
"Oh
"I said, hey
"Oh
"Hey! Oh!
"One-eyed snake
"One-eyed snake
"One-eyed snake
"One-eyed snake
"One-eyed snake
"I'm a one-eyed
"Talkin' 'bout a one-eyed
"I don't mean two-eyed
"Or three-eyed or four-eyed or five-eyed
"Six-eyed or seven-eyed or eight-eyed
"Walking down the alley got poked in the eye
"Well, I guess I'm talkin' 'bout he's a dumb mother one-eyed
"'Bout a one-eyed
"Snake
"Snake"
All right!
"One-eyed snake"
Thank you very much.
You guys are a really good audience.
We're gonna take a short pause for the cause now...
...and want everybody to relax and order up your favorite drink.
If you have any requests just send them on up. All right?
See you later. You've been a great audience, I mean it.
What you got?
What's that?
We want to make love right away to you and the guitarist.
We'll get right to it.
All right.
Come on, hurry up. Let's have a drink with the French chicks.
You go ahead.
Come on, they're waiting for us.
No.
The girls, they belong to the Arabs.
They sent us up a request. They want to party with us.
They just wanted to hear a tune.
Come on.
We'll have fun. Come on.
I don't even speak French.
That's okay, I do.
You got more of that cologne?
Oh, God!
Shit!
Put out a warning when you do one of those.
It's that Arab shish kebab.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
Don't that hurt?
You need about 20 stitches to close that wound.
What do you want to name that one, "Gorgo"?
God, it's still there.
I swear to God, it's like a wall.
They don't need no iron curtain with you, they got the gas curtain.
Hi, ladies.
"Bon swallow." How's it goes for you two?
Oh, groovy.
Did you read our note?
Yeah, sure.
Is it O.K. With you?
Oh, yeah. Waitress!
Can we have some drinks, please?
What do you guys want, three beers?
Where is your partner?
Some Louie Don Compan.
Cold duck.
You'll like that, it's really cool.
When do you want to come?
Hello, how are your ears? My ears are fine, too.
Hi.
Pull up a stump, rest your rump.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming and checking out our set.
It really gave us a lot of inspiration, if you know what I mean.
Goddamn!
Wanna see a trick?
I can do an impression of a jack-o'-lantern.
Watch, I can do it again.
Just gotta let it burn a little while.
We'll meet you outside.
Where you going?
Go, quick, quick!
It wasn't me, it was him!
See, they think it was my feet.
You gotta have some class.
You can't come around chicks and play bombs over Tokyo.
Well, it's not healthy to suppress bodily functions.
God!
It still smells. What've you been eating, glue?
It's in my genes.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, stop eating that shish kebab. This is what's doing that stuff.
God, we had them going, too. They were going for it.
Don't eat them shish kebabs today.
Shit.
Here's your jacket.
These pants are still wet.
So's this jacket.
Give me another dime.
I don't have any more dimes.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I just got dollars.
Well, go and get some change.
- Just wear them the way they are. - My huevos will freeze.
Go and get some change. Hurry up.
Hey, little girl.
Mommy, look!
- Yes, dear. - Mommy, look!
Help! Police!
Help! Police!
Lady, I'm just drying my clothes.
I wasn't doing nothing.
Don't call a cop!
Lady, my pants are in the dryer and...
Shit!
Don't worry about it.
To serve and protect.
This used to be a good neighborhood.
And now they're everywhere, every place you go.
They look at you with those sick pervert eyes.
They stare at you, they practically stare your clothes off.
You take a bus ride, maybe a million empty seats, right?
But no, they gotta sit right next to you!
They rub their sickly, sweaty bodies right up against you.
Sick! I tell you, the whole world is sick.
Tell you what...
...why don't you come with me, and we'll fill out a nice police report, okay?
Report? There's a sick weirdo in here and you want to do a report?
What is that supposed to mean?
This time I want answers. You gotta do something.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Is that stuff dry?
I got more dimes if you need them.
Where you been?
You missed all the excitement.
Some pervert tried to rape a little girl.
What a sick neighborhood, huh?
What's wrong with you?
You're stoned, aren't you?
I bet you never even saved me any either.
Where is it?
This is the car wash that we used to work at before we got fired.
And this is one of the owners of the car wash.
He's a real cool dude.
And a real sharp dresser.
He just had some real strange customs.
And that's his brother. He was the businessman of the two guys.
He's the guy that never paid us.
How do you like?
It looks worse than before.
Please, mirror. I have to see mirror.
Thank you very much.
You see, of course, what we do is take the healthy hair from his back...
...and put it in a random fashion up here, to create a natural hair line.
Later on, of course, I'll fill in the top and it'll move on back all over.
Yes, random.
- That looks very natural. - Doesn't it.
Yes. How do you like it? They put in random. Random, see?
It look very, very natural.
Yes.
Habib, how do you like it?
Better than hairpiece.
You are right, much better than hairpiece.
- I should say so. - Yes, before I had hairpiece on my head.
- You had herpes on your head? - Yes, of course.
Where else would you have it, on your dick?
I wish you'd mentioned that to me before.
Well, it was very embarrassing.
I mean, everybody could see.
You walk into a room and they said, "He have hairpiece on his head."
You could not do anything. You could not swim...
...because you have hairpiece.
And girls don't like that.
Very hard to get date with hairpiece.
Yes, this is much better.
Tell you what. I give you souvenir, I give you my hairpiece.
No, that's all right. Thank you, though.
- I insist! - No really, you keep them.
Your souvenir. Here, you take my hairpiece. I don't need anymore.
Hairpiece!
Yes, that's much better.
What is this?
What are you doing? I told you two to take it to Vegas.
What?
Idiot! Get out of here! Go on.
Go on, everybody out! Out! You make me so mad.
Get out of here!
What did they do? They sent it back to us.
That idiot Abdul.
I don't believe this, the stupid idiots.
Abdul. What in the hell are you doing?
When I send you $5 million, you keep $5 million. Understand?
I don't care. I don't care.
Use your imagination. You are in Las Vegas.
You have $5 million. Are you a total idiot?
I'm sending the money... I can't launder any more money through the car wash.
I don't care about your problem. Things are tough every over.
I am sending back the money to you. You understand? You keep it this time.
That stupid idiot.
No, stupid. Stop that!
You stupid thing.
You know, it's funny how things work out.
The Arabs just heard our band one time, and they wanted us to go on the road.
They give us a job driving this limousine to Las Vegas.
You're gonna run the battery down.
I'm not gonna run the battery down.
Look, we're out of gas. See?
Didn't you check it?
Shit. How can we be out of gas?
We're not even out of town yet.
We gotta find a gas station.
Maybe that guy knows.
Hey, dude. Hey, brother.
Come over here.
You know where we can find a gas station?
- Yeah. - Yeah, which one?
Wash your windows? Let me wash your windows.
They're not dirty.
The windows are clean.
Don't put that mud on the windows.
Come on, give me a dollar.
- We need a gas station. - Give me a dollar.
We don't got a dollar. We need a gas station.
Gimme a dollar. Come on.
Shit. Give him a dollar.
I ain't got no money.
What do you mean? The Arabs gave you money.
I spent it.
What do you mean you spent it?
I paid off our bar tab.
Get out of the car.
Come on. Get out of the car.
You see? You don't even check and see if we have gas.
Come on, get out.
Open the door.
Come on, open this door.
I ain't bullshitting, would you get out?
Come on.
Unlock the door.
Unlock the door.
It's cold out there.
- I know it's cold out here, I'm out here! - Come on inside.
Open the inside.
It's locked.
I know it's locked. Open the door. We have to get this guy out of here.
Open the door. Come on.
Go around the other side.
Hi, officer.
Can I help you?
No, we're okay. We've just got this chump in the back seat.
You got the Champ in the back seat, right?
Damn, that is the Champ.
Hi, Champ.
What'd you tell him?
I didn't tell him nothing. He told me.
This guy thinks we got the Champ in the back seat.
Sit still, Champ. We got a ride.
Hey, brother, thanks a lot.
Sure, anytime.
Listen, could I meet the Champ just for a second. I've been a fan of his...
He don't like strange people coming up...
- I just want to talk to him. I'm a big fan. - He's real tired.
All right. Could I get an autograph?
Sure. I'll get an autograph.
Great. Just tell him to write anything he wants.
Like: "To Julio Albert Kowarski, the Black Pirogi.
"My best buddy and favorite sparring partner.
"Love always, the Champ."
Great. All right, there you go.
Okay, thanks a lot. Wait there.
Okay. Hey, Champ.
Champ, you gotta sign an autograph.
Who it for?
For the cop that gave us a ride over here.
Well, what his name?
I don't know his name, He's a Black Russian or something.
Just sign to the Black Sirote.
There. That's good. You got good handwriting, Champ.
Thanks a lot.
There you go.
Great, great.
He's a big fan of yours.
- He's heard of me? - Yeah.
That's great. You think I can spar a little with him?
Yeah. He says come down, and he'll put your lights out.
Great. Thanks a lot. Thanks, Champ. See you later.
Thanks a lot. He's got all your albums.
Protect the city.
You got $24.15 on gas.
My partner's got the money.
Give him $24.15.
- What? - $24.15 for the gas.
I ain't got no money.
What do you mean you got no money?
I told you, I ain't got no money.
What'd you do with it?
I paid our bar tab.
- So we don't got no money? - Nothing.
- Not one cent? - Nothing, not a penny.
- What'd you buy that candy bar with? - What candy bar?
The candy bar you got all in your beard there.
That's a quarter, you know.
Where you going with that?
That ain't ours.
I know it's not yours. It's mine.
When you get your money, it'll be right here.
You all have a nice day now.
Holy shit!
Why're we stopping?
We gotta pick up a hitchhiker.
We can't pick up no hitchhiker. It's not even our car.
I think we could pick up this one.
Thanks for stopping, you guys.
You guys!
Donna!
- What are you doing out here? - What are you doing out here?
We're on our way to Vegas.
What a trip. Come on, hop in.
Can you give my friends a ride?
Yeah, no problem.
Fantastic!
What are you doing out here?
I work for a Mexican travel agency.
- They got jobs there? - Yes.
Hang on, I gotta make an announcement.
Attention! You may be wondering why this country looks like Mexico.
That's because it once was Mexico.
What are you guys doing? You got your band still?
Yeah.
- We're headlining now. - You're kidding?
I swear to God. Headlining this big club in Chicago. Packing them in.
We got costumes and everything.
We're gonna get costumes. We're going to Vegas to see a famous designer.
That takes time.
We're gonna check out lounges. They all want us.
- They'll stand in line. - And guess what?
- What? - I don't do drugs anymore.
You don't? I don't do drugs either.
I've been off them for a week now.
That's great.
I feel real good.
That's great. Me, too. I feel great.
You got any?
No, I just ran out.
Hell, there goes the picture. Come on, get that picture back.
I'm gonna throw you out and get myself a new set one of these days. Come on.
What in the hell is that?
Here we are.
My Sweetie Face, how are you, love?
Good to see you. You look good.
- How'd it go this time? - Just great. We had a ball, I'm telling you.
Meet my friend, Old Timer.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Any friend of Sweetie Face is a friend of mine.
Take everybody inside and get them some food and drink.
There's milk for the kids.
Great. Listen, thanks for the ride.
- I love you. - Good seeing you.
You take care of yourself. Bye-bye.
What kind of a car... I never seen a car like that before.
That's a special customized job. We did it ourselves.
You did a damn good job on it.
It's organic air conditioning.
How about some customized gas?
- You got it. - Thanks a lot.
Guess what?
What are we gonna give him for gas?
Guess what?
Where do you want it, right over here?
What are you doing?
We're going through the neighborhood seeing what you need.
We saw you need a car seat and brought one over.
I can always use a new car seat.
Maybe you can mate them and get a bus.
If there's anything left over from the gas, give us credit.
Okay. All right.
Nice seat.
Look. The dude laid some peyote on me.
Look at this.
Not as good as my old one.
Holy jumping catfish!
Hey, fellas!
Hey, fellas! There's money in that seat.
You must have dropped some change.
It's okay, you can keep it.
- You sure? - Yeah, don't worry about it.
It's a lot of money.
- We don't need it, we're rich. - We're rich.
Check you later.
All that money!
Come on, baby, come on. Come on, you can make it.
Come on, a little bit more. We made it.
Goddamn. Good thing, too. We didn't have anything to trade for gas.
You want this last peyote button?
Did you eat all of them already?
He only gave me 10.
Goddamn, see you in the ozone.
The last time I took peyote I saw snakes and shit.
Let's get our money and get a decent meal.
I'm tired of eating junk. I need a double cheeseburger with chili.
I gotta go pee.
Okay. Go in the back.
Hello! We're here with the car. We need to get paid.
Hello, Arab dudes.
We're here with the car.
Hello. We got the car here. We need our money.
If you're balling or anything, just slip the money under the door.
I'm hungry.
You got any cheeseburgers in there?
Come on, let's get out of here.
There's nobody home. I left the keys in the car.
Did you see snakes when you did peyote?
Yeah, I saw snakes.
Did you see belly dancers, too?
No, just snakes.
This is really good peyote.
I wanna get something to eat.
They said to deliver the car and we'd get the money.
So we deliver the car. Where's the money?
God, I'm hungry.
You can't trust nobody no more.
Welcome to Club Mekka. $10, please.
Give him the ticket.
Take off your hat.
Welcome to Club Mekka. $10, please. Thank you very much.
Take off your hat.
Welcome to Club Mekka. $10, please. Thank you. Give him a ticket.
- Take off your hat. - I don't take my hat off for nobody.
Sucker!
- You call me sucker? - No!
- I'll kill you! - Put the knife away!
Put that knife away! Go back there. Go on.
Sorry, we make very big... We put hat back on.
It looks very nice there. I'm sorry. Is big mistake.
Most natural looking.
Take back your $10.
Here's a ticket for a drink, free.
Have a drink, have a good time.
Disco! You look nice.
Stupid idiot!
- You are right. - Of course, I'm right.
We are both stupid idiots.
What do you mean?
That call was from Vegas.
Las Vegas? What about the car?
Only part of it showed up.
What do you mean?
Only part of the car showed up.
- What about the money? - That part never showed up.
- They have stolen our money? - And part of the car.
Hello, Las Vegas. This is Prince Habib.
I wish to land on your airport. 10-4?
Watch where you're going!
I know what I'm doing, relax.
Straighten out this plane!
Stupid plane! Touch it a little, it moves.
Land on to the ground there, on the runway.
Hello, Las Vegas. I am going to land on your runway.
This stupid plane. You touch it, it goes all over.
I'm trying to put it down. It doesn't want to stay down.
Let go!
I'm landing now, okay? Hello, Las Vegas, I have landed.
Come, open the door.
Welcome, Mr. Slyman.
Thank you, Allah.
Where in hell did you learn how to drive an airplane?
Why are you yelling at me?
Where did you get a driver's license plate? Inside a Cornflakes box?
This is not my plane, it's the maid's plane.
I had to borrow it. Mine is in the shop getting fixed.
Stupid idiot. Come, let's go.
How was your flight?
That was the most stupid airplane ride I ever took in my life.
You think that's stupid? You should see me fly my other plane.
You cannot fly.
I cannot fly these little planes. They fly all over the place. Come on.
Right this way.
You need your glasses. The next time I fly commercial.
Don't be so scared.
- Why don't you get a plane like that one? - That's our cousin's plane.
- Our cousin? - That's his plane. I can tell.
That one?
That one, with the gold landing gear. That's his plane.
He's such a showoff.
No...
Yes, he is. Come, let's go buy something.
- Where are we going? - To the gate.
The gate's over there. See?
Again, let me apologize. We had no idea.
I hate coming to this airport. You always have these guys apologizing.
If you'll just join me, I'll be happy to show you through. Excuse me!
Take one moment to come outside with me and I'll show you your car.
Get out of the way! Your car will be arriving right here.
Where do you put the money? In here.
Pull!
"Pull"?
- Pull the handle. - I see.
Bar... bar... bar!
- One for you. - Again!
- Pull! - Okay.
Allez! Crash!
Bar!
One more for you.
- Crash! - Allez, crash!
Bar!
Allez! Crash!
Encore!
Allez! Encore!
I'll kill him!
You'll love the ride.
Son of a dog!
Stop! What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
He insult me!
- What did he do? - He want me to drive a Datsun.
Stupid idiot. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, my brother. I will kill him!
- Put that knife down! - Let me kill him!
By Allah!
I am so very sorry. Take this money. My brother is very upset.
- He ate some bad dates. - It's air conditioned.
Thank you.
Take the keys and get in the car.
We will take good care of the car. Thank you.
Maybe if you gave him a Valium...
I'm sorry for my brother, he's not used to being in the desert.
Why did you stop me from killing that little creep?
- He gave us this car! - He did not do anything!
Go forward.
Stupid idiot! Watch where you're going!
You cannot kill a man just because he gave you a Datsun.
Goddamn stupid car.
This is America.
You cannot kill every person just because you get mad at them.
You have to have permission first.
That is democracy.
If you want to kill everybody you'll never get a green card.
You want to kill somebody?
You wait 'til we find these two guys that stole our money.
Then we kill them.
Because nobody steals from Slyman.
And nobody steals from Habib.
I'm going to enjoy killing these guys.
I kill them slow.
I'm gonna cut off their eyelids so they can watch.
You are very kind.
Every man only dies once. He should enjoy it.
It's hot in this car.
Stupid goddamn desert heat. I hate this desert.
I hate this heat.
It's not the desert, idiot. You put on the heat in the car.
- I put on the air condition. - You didn't. Look!
- The air condition is the other way. - No, that's it.
It is not, it's the heat. Look, it says "hot."
- The air condition is the other way. - I put it on. It doesn't work.
This stupid car needs to die! I'll kill it!
The only car we see all day and they try to run us over.
We should've stayed in Chicago. At least it wasn't hot.
We're gonna die of heat frustration out here.
Play something else, will you please?
That's desert music. Come on, mellow out.
- We're gonna die out here. - It's beautiful out here. Enjoy it.
You took that peyote. Anything is beautiful to you.
Let's do that song we were writing in Chicago.
- What song? - You know, Me and My Old Lady.
I don't know how it goes.
- Sure you do, you wrote it. - I don't remember it.
Let's try it.
"Me
"And my old lady"
There you go.
"We like
"We like to get outside
"But sometimes
"People space us out
"So we just make like a bakery truck
"And haul buns out of there
"Sometimes
"We are so much in love
"That we go on a picnic
"And don't even take any beer
"We just like to cruise around
"And try to find the main drag in town
"And then after
"We try to find a 7-Eleven and get some beef jerky
"Me
"And my old lady
"We like
"We like to like get outside
"Sometimes
"People space us out"
Stay on your own note.
"So we just make like a bakery truck
"And haul buns out of there"
That was good.
It was nice.
I like that thing about the beef jerky.
Yeah, that makes it organic.
I dig that. That's nice.
There's never gonna be a car out here.
Stupid car.
Worse than my camel.
I got a better picture out on my old set.
Give me a picture. Come on!
Old man! Gas.
Excuse me, old-timing man.
- How are you this morning? - Fine, and you?
Very good, thank you.
Can you tell us, is this the only road into town?
Is this the road that leads into town?
Yeah. It's the only road to town.
Pardon, old-timing man.
We are with the Secret Service...
You're what?
We are with the Secret Service of this government.
- We are looking for two men. - You're looking for what?
We are looking for two... I show you picture.
These men are very dangerous. They stole money.
These two men stole money from our government.
- They're very dangerous. - These two?
This man, and this man. Have you seen them?
- These two? - This one and this one here.
Were they driving a customized limousine?
- Yes, they were. - Did it have...
...IIlinois license plates on it? - Yes. When did you see them?
Sorry, haven't seen them. They haven't been by here.
This is fantastic. Look at this.
We are famous already in the desert.
- From our night club, the matches. - Where did you get this?
I found it there. Isn't that fantastic? They know us all the way here.
- Stupid idiot, they have been here. - Who have been here?
Those two guys, who else?
They've been here?
Of course, idiot. How else would the matches get here?
- That old man is lying. - He's lying?
- Of course he's lying, stupid idiot. - I'll kill him!
If you kill him, I don't let you kill the other two guys.
- But he is lying to us. - I know.
But he has information that we need.
We have to humus him. I will talk.
Old-timing man...
...these men that you did not see...
...which way did they go?
They went that way, toward Mexico.
Of course! Get in the car, quick!
You gotta go back this way to get to the freeway.
You'll get lost in the desert going down there.
God, I'm hungry.
Give me a corn dog or a chili dog.
Dog food, anything.
I could eat the crotch out of a dead horse.
I remember, one time for my birthday, we had a pizza.
A deep-dish pizza with double cheese and my name spelled out with pepperonis.
A real cold beer...
...like when they keep the mug in the freezer and it's all icy.
Look what I found.
- What'd you find? - Peyote.
Shit, I'm so hungry I'd eat peyote.
That's a horse turd!
I thought so.
Why'd you give me a horse turd?
Just a minute. Look, it's organic.
It's got little green things living in it.
They're alive!
Little baby green things, too.
Look, a mama green thing. Or half a mama green thing.
I bet this is peyote.
That's not so bad.
Are you okay?
This is my brother.
He is a very brilliant man.
The car ran out of gas...
...so he killed the car.
You have killed the car enough.
Stop!
You have killed the car, I think.
That Datsun will go no further.
Very nice. Come, we must go.
We must go where? Where we go?
We follow the road, idiot. Come.
The road, yes.
Open-toed shoes.
We're never gonna get a ride.
They'll find our bones bleached out and buzzards sitting on them.
I don't want to be a buzzard taco.
Maybe they closed the road and nobody told us.
Why don't you do something to help instead of lying there?
I am doing something.
What are you doing, getting a suntan?
I'm praying.
Praying? A lot of good that's gonna do us.
We need a miracle, and he's out there praying.
It's the Fifis!
Come on.
What a trip! We been here for two days. We thought we were gonna die out here.
What a trip. These chicks found us out in the desert. I can't believe it.
Yeah, we're lucky.
- What are we gonna tell the Arabs? - What Arabs?
Their Arabs. If they're here, they're here.
Come on, help me think. We gotta think of something.
Let's tell them it was faulty workmanship and the doors fell off?
How about a flying saucer? We were in the desert and a big flying saucer came.
They were going door-to-door and they took our doors.
That's really lame.
We'll tell them we had to park it overnight in Detroit.
We came out and that's the way it was.
If it's so funny, why don't you think of something?
No, it's coming on. I'm just starting to laugh.
Come on, stop it.
Which one do you want?
I'll take the big one.
OK, then I'll take the little moustache.
French fries.
Shit. Goddamn. What are we gonna tell these dudes?
I'm peaking again.
We won't tell them nothing.
They wanted us to deliver the car, and we did. There you are.
If they don't like it, lump it.
I'm just afraid if that guy sneezes on me, he'd probably tear half my face off.
Shit. I ain't afraid of no Arabs.
Come on. I'm tripping, okay?
I say we are lost.
We are not lost. We are Arab.
"Lost" is when you do not know where you are going.
That's the point. Where are we going?
We are going...
...uphill.
At least, when we get to the top of the hill...
...we will know where we are.
Yes, you are right.
Now I know exactly where we are.
- You do? - Yes.
We are in the middle of fucking nowhere!
Where is the road?
Those two guys!
It was those two guys.
They have stolen the road, too.
Now, I am sure of it.
You are sure of what?
That our mother messed around with a goat herder.
She did?
Thanks for the memories.
Those poor girls, it must be torture to be so hung up on us.
Just a minute.
Let them go. Don't torture them. They're in love with us.
It's better to end it this way.
- They'll want to come back and marry us. - Yeah.
Come again. 'Cause I sure can.
- Yeah, bye-bye ride. - Bye-bye ride.
Now I know exactly where we are also.
- You do? - I do.
- Tell me, where are we? - We are going downhill.
Stupid idiot.
It's okay for you to make jokes, but not me, huh?
You do not make jokes, you are a joke.
Please, God, please...
...get us out of here.
I don't want to die in the desert.
I'm hungry. Please!
Don't do that.
You should see what that looks like.
You ought to see what you're gonna look like.
Thank you, Lord. Come on, we got a ride.
Thank you very much.
Come on, get in here.
Are you going to Vegas?
We're not going to Cleveland. Where would I go?
I'm going to Vegas.
Thanks for the ride.
It's a pleasure. I needed company. You don't look suspicious, anyway.
Will you hold that? That's Linda Lovelace's aspirin.
Hold the wheel. I gotta show you something else.
I open tonight in Las Vegas. I'm a little hoarse right now.
A little hoarse. You get it?
I tried sniffing glue, kept getting the tube stuck in my nose.
I tried smoking hash, but I couldn't light the corned beef.
I'll do another for you. I just made a killing in the market: I shot my butcher.
I got a new vacuum cleaner, it really sucks.
Wait, they get better. My sister was so fat she had stretch marks on her car.
I've been so sick I asked the captain to heave to.
I asked the captain to heave to.
Hold the wheel. I went up to a girl and said, "Honey, are you game?"
She said, "Yes," so I shot her.
Today is Toulouse-Lautrec's birthday.
I bought him a belt and said...
..."Is that belt too tight, Toulouse? Is that belt too tight, Toulouse?"
Will you make him stop.
If you'd stop laughing for a minute, maybe he would.
I'm not laughing. I'm crying.
I met a guy with two wooden legs. He caught fire and burned to the ground.
You got anything to eat? We're starving.
How about this? Here's a TV dinner.
We haven't eaten anything in two days. We're starving.
- Really? - Yeah.
I thought you were kidding. I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you were kidding.
I've got just the place. It's very near here, but...
...you're not dressed. I'll take care of that, too.
I'm sorry. I swear to you I thought you were kidding all that time.
You'll love it. It's inexpensive. You'll be my guest. Worry about nothing.
I'll get you the clothes. You just think thin...
...and think pork tartare 'til we get there. I'll take care of everything.
Pork tartare, deep sleep, pork tartare.
Gerkin! Gerkin!
So nice to see you again, Monsieur Gleason.
- Is he here? - Who?
Well, no, I'm Rip.
Excusez-moi, Monsieur Torn.
No, it's Taylor. Taylor.
Monsieur Taylor, yes.
- Your agent called for you. He has work. - What?
- He has work. - That's a first.
You may telephone him. The telephone is right around there.
These are my good friends. They're new in town.
Give them what they want. Caviar, champagne. Money's no object.
- Separate checks. - Mais oui.
They may, but you gotta feed them first.
Have a good time and enjoy.
Right this way, your table is waiting. Monsieur? Ma'am? Miss? This way.
It's really coming on.
It's really coming on.
You'll be okay as soon as we get some food. Let's sit down.
No, I'm starting to freak out.
Voilà!
As soon as you get some food, you'll feel all right.
- Menu. - Great. Thank you.
- Menu. - Thanks a lot.
May I present to you the spécialités de la maison.
We have selection of crudités.
We have an escargots avec champignons sautéed in...
...des crudités. We have an escargots avec champignons.
We also have a crêpe soufflée with spinach and squid sautéed in its own essence.
Can we have some bread?
...crêpe soufflée...
...spinach...
...soufflée...
Can we have some bread?
...served with a wonderful salad...
Can we have some bread, please?
Bread. Oui. I will have the bread boy bring it.
Thank you. We're really hungry.
I'm starting to freak out.
- You'll be okay when we get some food. - I'll be all right.
Waiter, food guy, bread guy! Anybody...
Could we have some bread, please?
Straight up or on the rocks?
Whatever.
Two beers.
I don't feel good.
What's the matter?
I feel like we're wearing dresses.
We are wearing dresses.
Sorry, but we are out of the specialty of the day that I told you about.
We have more. We have poulet. Chicken.
- They got more food. - I want a Big Mac.
I want a Big Mac.
A cheeseburger. Can't you see he's having a Big Mac attack. Get him a cheeseburger.
What does he want on the cheeseburger?
All the shit.
Cheeseburger, a big cheeseburger!
It's okay. We're gonna get a cheeseburger. Then you'll feel a lot better.
- I'm sorry. - Just relax. Have a good time.
My head's growing.
- What? - It's growing.
No, you've just got a wig on. You'll be all right. Just relax.
- What's the matter? - My balls are gone. I lost my balls.
You'll be okay. Take it easy.
Where'd I leave them? I lost my balls!
You just got pantyhose on.
Yeah. I got pantyhose on.
You'll be okay when the food gets here.
- I can't breathe. - What?
I can't breathe.
It's all tight...
Well, here, loosen this thing.
It's alive! It's alive!
It's dead.
It's just sleeping. Sleeping. Having a rest.
- You'll be okay. Take it easy. - I'm freaking out.
I know. You'll be all right.
I feel so sensitive.
- It's okay. - Thanks for being here.
You're probably just getting your period or something.
You'll be all right, when you get some food.
Okay, I'll be all right.
Everybody's looking at me. I don't like this restaurant.
No, they're not looking at you.
Make this restaurant go away.
Go away, restaurant! See, they're stopping.
I have never walked so far in the desert in my life.
It is terrible in the desert like that.
No wonder the peasants in our country are always pissed off.
Terrible. My butt hurts.
- I'm so hungry I could eat a camel. - Two camels.
Bonsoir, messieurs. You have a reservation?
We don't need reservation, Goat Breath, just give us a table.
I am sorry, we have no table unless you have a reservation.
You'll be all right. Soon as you get food everything'll be cool. Where's our food?
- We don't need reservation. - Shit.
I take care of this, stupid idiot. I'll take care of this.
Of course we have a reservation.
- Your table is right over here. - Thank you.
We've been expecting you. Voilà.
Et voilà!
Get down!
Et voilà. Menu for you.
Et vous, Monsieur.
I have just seen the most ugliest woman in the world.
- She's even uglier than my first wife. - That is impossible.
Or my camel.
- Your first wife was your camel, you idiot. - That's right.
There's bugs under here!
There's gum here, too.
Never mind about those women.
We have to find those two guys.
They've disappeared. I don't know where they are.
- They can't vanish from the world. - But they did.
I am so mad when I find them, I'm going to kill them myself.
No, you cannot kill them. You said I could kill them.
I changed my mind. I want to kill them.
But you cannot change your mind. You said I could kill them.
I am getting very frustration because you do not let me kill anybody.
We're getting out of here.
How did I get here?
I have to kill those guys.
Okay, you can kill them.
We're in a restaurant.
- Stupid restaurant! - All that gum.
We made quite a killing in the stock market.
Who killed the stock market?
The pretty ladies.
You are sick.
You know, there's something fishy about those two.
There is something fishy about all of them.
Come, ladies. Come.
Welcome. Have a seat, please. Sit down.
Bonsoir. Ça va?
Ça va, bonsoir and ça va.
Where we going?
To the bathroom.
A bathroom. Thank God.
- You okay? - I just gotta go pee.
I thought you had to throw up.
Shit, what are we gonna do?
It's Arabian joke. Maybe you don't get it.
Here's a toast to your blue eyes.
Yes, of course.
It's incredible. Every five minutes they got to go pee-pee.
That's the problem with open plumbing.
If you don't stop soon we're gonna have to build an ark.
I can't stop.
Tie it in a knot or something!
Those Guys, what a drag!
For sure.
The others were real men.
Absolutely.
Real macho.
Let's get out of here.
Excuse me. Are you all right?
We're okay. We're looking for a contact lens.
- What is the problem here? - Lost a lens.
Happens to me all the time.
Did you look in your beard, madam? Have you looked in your beard?
What are those people doing over there?
Crazy Americans! Must be a new disco dance.
Of course. When the ladies come back, we join them.
I have your separate checks, as Mr. Taylor requested.
Let's get out of here.
Where are we?
Why are we on our hands and knees?
You guys!
I want to thank you fellas for all that money you gave me.
Look what it got me.
Those girls are those guys!
Where are you going?
Oh, piss.
What are we running for?
Never mind, just come on. Run!
A woman with a baby coming through. Watch out!
My feet really hurt.
I wanna to go back to the desert.
- You stupid idiot! - Look, there they are!
- I'll call the police! - Don't call the police!
Take this money. Thanks.
Stupid idiot! Put that knife away.
It's dark, I cannot see.
You're going to kill me.
Where are those guys?
I don't know. I can't see anything.
It smells terrible in here.
It smells like wet camels.
Where are they?
Sit down, you!
Who dares tell me to sit down? Who said that?
- You know who you're talking to? - Sit down!
There's something on the seat. Come, let's move.
It smell like your bed sheets.
Where are those guys?
I don't know, where are they?
Look, there they are. Those guys.
I don't understand. We chase them in here and now they're up there.
I don't understand. How can it be?
Shut up and listen, you idiot.
How could they do that to us?
They are not doing it to us.
They're doing it to them.
Look, they don't even like them. They whip them. That's good.
They don't whip them very hard.
No. I would hit them a lot harder.
But look where she puts the whip.
He doesn't like that either.
That is good. That's what I would do.
I know it hurts very much.
- What is that? - What is that?
That's some kind of sea monster.
It's scary.
Look like Uncle Tonoose when he take out his eye.
Focus! Focus you idiot!
Look, it has teeth!
Teeth, teeth, teeth.
Put that thing away, you stupid idiot!
You want to go blind?
Stop that!
I got rocks in my pantyhose.
You got rocks in your head for getting us involved in this shit.
You got rocks in your head for getting us involved in this shit.
I don't know how these broads wear all this shit.
We should've stayed in Chicago. At least it was cold there.
I wouldn't wear this crap...
We got a ride.
Hold up.
Wow, what a trip.
Thanks for giving us a ride.
It's the Fifis.
Fifis, how you doing? Are we glad to see you guys.
What a trip.
Baby, how's it going?
They're still tripping, too. Saw you in the movies.
Wait a minute.
- What? - Lf they're here...
Good morning, gentlemen.
Make yourselves very comfortable...
...because we have a very special surprise planned for you.
This is perfect. Perfect.
It is so perfect.
We kill them here and bury them there. What do you think?
- No, we don't kill them. - No, we kill them, we bury them...
We don't kill them. We are going to make movies.
Fantastic. I love it.
We make a movie of me killing them.
It be in color so we can see the blood. I love it.
A long movie. Four hours. Maybe 3-Ds. I love it. Fantastic.
No, we don't make those movies, we make porno movies.
These boys are stars.
We don't kill them?
No. Why didn't I think of this before. It is perfect way to launder all the money.
We make movies, we will write off everything.
And then we go way over budget.
We will never have to worry about money again.
It is genius. Fantastic.
Slyman, you are a genius.
And so is Habib.
I bet you thought we'd had it?
So did we.
As things turned out, all we had to do...
...is go back and make love to these girls 24 hours a day.
But at least we had a job 'cause...
...things are tough all over.
TLF - The In-Laws
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