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Three Men and a Baby (1987)

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Bad boys, bad boys
Bad boys, bad boys
Boys will be boys
Bad boys, bad boys
Boys will be boys
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys -Always gettin'so restless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Get me feeling breathless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
Bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
You naughty bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
Knew you would
The way you hold me tight
You get me so excited
You do me, oh, so right
My heart goes beep-beep beep-beep, beep-beep
Bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
I want ya Bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
Knew you would
- Boys will be boys -Always gettin'so restless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Get me feeling breathless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
And when he drives me home
I feel safe at night
You call me on the phone
It goes ring, ring, ring Ring-a-ring-ring
Bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
I want ya Bad, bad, bad, bad boys
You make me feel so good
Knew you would
Boys will be boys
Bad boys, bad boys
Boys will be boys
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys -Always gettin'so restless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Get me feeling breathless
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys - Nothin'but trouble
Bad boys, bad boys
- Boys will be boys -Always gettin'so restless
Bad boys, bad boys
Boys will be boys
- Good evening. - Is this the penthouse? - Yes, ma'am. - On the roof.
Welcome to another edition of Lifestyles of the Average and Anxious.
We move about the apartment of Peter Mitchell...
young architect about town.
It's his late 30s-- Or is it his early 40s? We'll never know--
- birthday party! - Hi!
Entranced by the euphoria and ease...
these glamourous people exude...
I think I spy the birthday boy himself.
Peter! How are you, old chum?
You're looking so well, so well.
Over here is his semi-main squeeze, Rebecca Davidson.
The public wants to know what an attractive, witty, successful woman sees...
in a bozo like my roommate.
Well, he's, um, he's charming and he's sweet.
He's very thoughtful. He's sort of boyishly handsome.
But he has got the most amazing--
- Thank you, Rebecca. - You're welcome, Michael.
So, Peter, tell me, are you and Rebecca still exclusive? Hmm?
- Me and Rebecca? - Yeah. - No, we both see other people.
- Oh, really? Oh. - Yeah, a lot. - Oh, that's nice to know.
- Bye, Vanessa. - Bye.
- Hey, uh, birthday boy. - Oh, hi, Adam.
- Rebecca's looking sexier than ever. - Yeah.
- You two, uh, still together? - Oh, yeah. Me and Rebecca for five years now.
- Tight. Tight as ever. Excuse me. - Cool.
- Good lovin' - Gimme that good, good lovin'
- Good lovin' -All I need is good lovin'
- Good lovin' -James!
- Yeah, baby. - Remember the Young Rascals? What happened to them?
- Man, they old. - No, don't say that. - Real old.
- I think one of them's a senator now. - No, God, no, no!
- A real old senator! -Jack.Jack. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Paul, I'm serious. I'm not doing commercials any more. Really.
No more talking T-bones or cowboys with heartburn. I'm only doing serious stuff now.
- Hi. How are ya? - Oh,Jack.
Whew! Angela. Whew, boy, you look different. What happened?
- I'm dressed. - That's it. That's it.
Everybody gather 'round now
Move your body to the beat
Gentlemen, I'm in love.
- You? - Yeah. In a generic sense.
- Right. Right. - Oh, my. Oh.
- So many women-- - And so little time.
So little time, yeah.
- So,Jack. - Yeah, what's up?
- You're not really gonna do this movie in Turkey, are ya? - Yes. Yes, I am.
As a matter of fact, I leave in a few short hours. Here.
- What is it, uh, Zalmon the Beautician? - Barbarian. Zalmon the Barbarian. I knew you were gonna say that.
Okay, well, what about the play in Soho? The one you said you wanted to do.
- You said it was a chance to-- - Uh, excuse me, please.
Excuse me. You said it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- Hi. - Oh, come on.
What d-- What do you want, my inevitably brilliant reviews, or, uh, next month's rent?
Forget about next month's rent. I'll cover you, you do the play.
That's sweet of you. You know, you are a very decent man, Peter.
- I'm a goddamned saint. - ''Saint'' is a little bit much, but--
Hey, how's it goin', baby?
Name's Johnny. Gimme five.
Ooh, I mean, gimme three. Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe you draw Johnny Cool. Coolest cat in the world, right?
No one cooler, baby.
I can't believe it. Makes me so happy.
- What's wrong? - It's David.
- The guy you broke up with? - The good-looking one. Incredibly good-looking.
He used to read me Johnny Cool every morning over breakfast.
Hey. Hey, hey. Oh, you poor baby.
You know how to get over a lover, hmm?
Dance with a stranger.
David's an incredible dancer.
He studied for three years with the Joffrey Ballet.
Three years? Joffrey Ballet?
I think you guys are gonna get back together.
You think that I could call him up and invite him to the party?
Uh, yeah, uh--
Come on, shake your body Baby, do that conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the beat It's getting stronger
Don't you fight it till you try to do that conga beat
Twins!
There it is.
Yeah! Arguably one of the best clutch shots of all time.
Forget the guys playing today. Nobody played this game better than Reed, West, Chamberlain, Baylor.
I'll run it for you again in slow motion.
People are asking for you. Come on, let's go mingle.
I hate that word. It sounds like something sea lions do before they mate.
You are the guest of honour, and they love you.
Of course they do, but these guys need me in here. Don't you need me in here, guys?
- Go on, get outta here. - Leave your money. - Yeah, we need that.
- Wait, there it is. - Yeah!
- Undoubtedly, the greatest clutch shot in basketball history. - ...clutch shot in basketball...
- Unarguably. - In slow motion.
The best.
Oh, Paul, Paul. Wait, wait. Listen to me, man.
You are my friend. You're a great director.
But I am not doing commercials ever again. I mean it.
Jack, I don't want you to do a commercial. I need a favour.
Oh. Yeah, all right, shoot. What?
I'm having a package delivered tomorrow, but I won't be home to get it.
I gotta go off to San Francisco all week on a commercial shoot.
- You're gonna shoot in San Francisco? - Yeah.
- Who are you using? - Oh, Len Peters.
Lenny. Lenny. What's wrong? Didn't you like my last dog food commercial?
Oh,Jack, that was a classic.
But now look, I was hoping that I could have this package delivered here instead.
Sure, no problem. No problem.
Listen, let me ask you something here.
- Do you think I'm overexposed? - Overexposed? Oh, no,Jack, not at all.
Now look, it'll be delivered tomorrow and picked up by a couple of guys on Thursday morning.
- That's all there is to it. - All right. Tomorrow, pick up Thursday.
Okay, but this is-- this is a very delicate matter,Jack, so don't mention it to anybody, all right?
- All right, yeah. Delicate. - Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Peter
Happy birthday to you
He's so shy.
- Speech! Speech! - Oh, look, um--
First of all, um, uh...
I wanna thank, uh, Jack and Michael and Rebecca...
for, uh, embarrassing me with this unending flow of sentiment.
- Oh! - I, uh--
- Thanks for coming. - Hey, all right! All right!
- Go on! Blow out the candles! Quick! - Whoa! Whoa!
I think everybody had a great time. Don't you?
I sure did.
Why don't you stick around a while?
I thought sentiment made you uncomfortable.
- I can handle it... - Mm-hmm.
as long as it's disguised as sex.
So stay tonight.
I can't.
- I have to be up at 7:00 for a pretrial meeting. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Happy birthday, Peter. Mmm.
Yeah, right.
It was a great party.
You know, in this light you're kinda ugly. Yeah.
Yeah, that rut in the middle of your forehead? Gettin' out of hand. Out of hand.
- How come that always happens to you? - What?
Well, as soon as you get a woman into your room...
you turn into her big brother and start solving her problems.
Well, unlike yourself and our sexually insatiable roommate...
I happen to be a sensitive guy, and I have more on my mind than simply pronging chicks.
Hey, guys. Say, what's a good year for pronging chicks?
The '82 bordeaux on the left works every time.
Thank you very much.
- What happened here? Somebody die? - Rebecca left early.
- Oh. - Michael saved another doomed relationship.
Post-party depression.
Listen, you guys, you know, I'm outta here tomorrow for ten weeks.
What do you say I get rid of Cherise--
No, no, the three of us hunker down here with a bottle of wine and shoot some pool.
I got a better idea. Why don't you two guys hunker down, shoot some pool, and I'll, uh, take--
- No, no, no. - Why don't you just go and have a good time?
- Yeah, enjoy yourself. - Oh, guys.
Tough job, but it's gotta be done. Oh.
- He's unbelievable. - The man is one giant gland.
-Jack. - Seventy-nine.
-Jack! - He left already, Cherise. Eighty.
- Hi, this is Peter, Michael and Jack. - Great. I think he took my mousse.
- We're out playing and can't come to the phone. - That's our boy. Eighty-two.
- We'll call you back as soon as we can. - So leave a message at the sound of the tone. - Thanks, Peter. See you around.
Yeah. Eighty-four.
Hi, it's me, Jack. Uh, I'm at the airport just about to board the plane.
But I forgot to tell you something. There's a package gonna be delivered today.
Uh, some guys'll pick it up Thursday before noon.
Just put it aside, don't worry about it. And, oh, wait a minute.
It's, uh, it's a very delicate matter, so don't, don't say anything to anybody. Okay?
I'll bring you guys something back from Turkey if you're good. Maybe a drumstick or somethin'.
- See you later. Bye-bye. - Ninety.
- Hi, Harry. - Good morning, sir.
Michael! Michael, get out here!
- What is it? -Just get out here.
What?
- What's goin' on? - I don't know. What's goin' on?
Oh, okay. Just look out in the hall.
- Yeah? -Just look out in the hall.
Okay.
- That's a baby. - Oh, I know it's a baby.
- What's it doing there? - It's sleeping.
Oh, okay. Who do you suppose it belongs to?
Oh, Peter, there's a little note.
All right, I'll just go in and...
okay, play along.
''Dear Jack, here is our baby--''
Oh, no.
- You really don't know anything about this? - I knew it.
I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen to him sooner or later.
- ''I can't handle this now. I don't know where else to turn. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right.
- ''Someday I hope you can both forgive me. - Unbelievable.
Her name is Mary. Love, Sylvia.'' Who's Sylvia?
How am I supposed to know? You have to be a social secretary to keep track of all his women.
He left a message about a package. He said it'd be delivered today.
He said to put it aside and not to worry about it.
- He said that about a baby? - I'd say he takes his procreation business a little lightly.
- So what are we supposed to do about this? - We pick it up.
- You pick it up. - I'm not picking it up.
You found it!
- Look, we gotta do something. One of us has to pick it up. - Well, it's not gonna be me!
Now what? I don't know anything about taking care of babies.
Well, neither do I!
- Look, we gotta do something! - Be my guest.
- Hey, it's not my responsibility. - It's not mine either!
- Don't yell at me, Peter. - Well, it can't be that difficult.
All we gotta do is, is feed it. It'll shut up.
- Well, I don't know what babies eat. - Soft stuff.
I mean, we were babies once, for God's sake. What did-- What did we eat?
I don't know. It couldn't have been very good. I can't remember.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where you goin'? - I'm going to the market to get some baby food.
We can't feed it birthday cake and goat cheese.
- So what am I supposed to do? - Entertain it.
''Entertain it.''
Entertain it? How do you entertain a baby?
Hey, junior. Hey, look. L-Look at my hands. Hey.
Hey. Look at this. Look at this.
Oh, it's a-- it's a gla-- it's a prism. Whoa. Look at those colours, huh?
This is nice stuff, huh? This is expensive. You don't like that, huh?
Well, how about, uh-- Oh! Ooh, look! It's almost like, uh--
Look,Japanese origami, almost, with the hands.
It's a bird! It's a bird! No, huh?
Uh-- Uh-- I'm gettin' a headache. You're givin' me a headache.
Uh, how about, uh-- how about this? How about this? Look at this.
Look at the hairy chest. You like that? You like that? You wanna-- You want one of these?
Price check!
Excuse me. Uh, where could I get a jar of baby food?
- Uh, third aisle to the right. - Right.
-Joe, I need a cheque okay on three. - It's the larger size?
- Got it. - This is cheaper. - Oh.
They gotta be kidding.
What's happenin', baby? How you doin' today, huh?
My name is Johnny. That's right. That's right.
But you can call me Mr Cool. You know what I'm sayin'?
Hey, wh-what's your name, huh? Huh? Haven't I seen you around the neighbourhood?
Come on, baby, wh-- Wait, what's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Why can't you talk? Huh? Huh?
Come on, kid, laugh it up. I'm doin' my best.
Mr Foley, I need a cheque okay on two.
Excuse me. Uh, is this a good meal for a baby?
- That's for toddlers. - Toddler? What's a toddler?
- Ayear and half, two years. - No, no, I-I need something for a baby.
- This is your first. - First what?
- Baby. - Uh, yeah. First and the last.
- No matter how much you prepare, you're never quite ready for 'em, are you? - No, you're not.
- Um, listen, could you-- Can you hel-- - Did you know that what an infant eats in its first 1 2 months...
can determine its entire psychological and physical future?
That's fascinating, but all I need is some food.
Just some food, that's all, uh, Edna.
- What's the best-selling brand? - That white can over there.
- Great. This is the best, then? - No, it's the cheapest. That's why it sells the most.
- Uh-huh. How about this one, then? - Oh, that's good.
- Good. - But it's got iron in it.
- Is that bad? - It is if your baby's allergic to it.
- How do you know if she's allergic to it? - They throw up all over you.
Of course, they throw up all over you even if they're not allergic to it too.
Some babies can't hold anything down for more than a minute.
- What about this one? - That's for older babies.
How old's your baby?
- About that old. - You don't know how old your baby is?
Yes, I do. I know-- I know how old my baby is.
- Is she teething? - Teething?
Well, you know, uh, does she cry all night?
Does she chew on her fist and drool a lot?
All right, okay, then I'll take three of these and I'll take some of these, and thanks very much for your time, Edna.
You've been a source of great stress.
Don't forget, if the baby's less than three months old, you gotta sterilize the nipples.
Aw, shit!
Here I come!
Hey, hey, hey, look, I'll, uh-- I'll give you ten bucks if you stop crying. Huh? Ten bucks. Huh? You like that?
Hey, I'm gonna pick you up now, huh? Here you go, junior. Here you go.
Is that better? No, huh?
All right, well, how about, uh, how about a little walk, huh? How about a little walk?
Here, hey, wait a minute. Let me-- Let me-- Here you go. Here we go.
Okay. Hey, how 'bout this, huh?
There-- N-No, no-no, no-no-no. We're not gonna keep cryin'.
No, no, no, no! No, no! Hey, wait a minute. Oh, look! Hey!
Rock-a-bye baby On the treetop
When the bough breaks--
Something and something Something--
Come on. Where the hell is he, milkin' the cows or somethin'?
Hey, look. No, no, no, no, no crying. No, no, no. No-- No crying.
Hey, wait a minute. Whoa, ooh, no! You can-- You can drive a guy to drink. You know that?
No. No, not you. You're a cute little thing. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait a minute. How about-- Hush, little baby, don't you cry
When Peter gets home I'm gonna punch him in the eye-- Hush.
All right-- All right, here we are. Here we are in my room. Yeah.
Look-- Look around here. This is nice, huh?
Uh, uh, maybe you can, uh-- Here, we'll sit down here and, uh--
Oh, look! Look! We're gonna watch a little TV.
Yeah. Yeah. We'll watch a little TV. Just you and me, huh?
Here you go. There you go. Amuse yourself.
Women are wondering.: Are they having an orgasm?
- Men are worried maybe their penis isn't-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no, no, no, you don't want to hear that. No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, we're gonna have a nice conversation with Uncle Peter...
and let him have some fun now, yeah?
Yeah, that's a good idea. Where the hell have you been?
- Oh, hi, Mrs Hathaway. - Mr Kellam, this package just arri--
- Oh, what a darling little baby. - Yeah.
- Is it yours? - No, no, no, no. It's not mine.
- Mr Mitchell's? - No, no, no, no, no. Someone sort of loaned it to us.
- W-We're watching her for a while. - Well, what is its name?
Her name is, uh, it's, uh, Sylvia.
No, Mary. Mary. Mary. Yeah.
Well, we've had a tough morning, and we're all tuckered out.
We've been drooling, so, uh, we're gonna just say goodbye, okay?
- Bye-bye, Mrs Hathaway. Bye-bye. Yeah. - Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Oh, by the way, um, this package just arrived for you downstairs.
Uh, all right, great. Great. Th-Thanks, Mrs Hathaway.
- Could I hold her for just a minute? - Oh, I don't think so. She doesn't really--
I just love babies. Oh, yes.
I just love babies.
Unfortunately, Mr Hathaway and I were never able to have any of our own.
- Mr Hathaway has a low sperm count. - Well, some guys have all the luck.
Oh, oh, you are--
You are a cute little bundle, aren't you?
You do realize she did a doodle. Yes, you did.
Would you like me to give you a hand in changing her?
No. No, no, no, I can do it. I-I-I'm used to it. I'm used to it.
Well, thanks a lot, Mrs Hathaway. We gotta go now. All right?
So, uh, so we're gonna say bye-bye now.
- All right? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Mary.
- Bye-bye. Bye. Bye-bye. Okay, bye. - Little child.
Of course, if you ever need anyone to babysit--
All right. Yeah? All right. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
- Mr Mitchell, she's a lovely baby. - Yeah, adorable.
Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying since you left, and she did a doodle.
''Doodle''? What the hell's that? No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Oh, you're gonna know, pal, 'cause she did it. What's with all the bags?
I had to go to three different places to buy four different kinds of formula...
two different kinds of diapers, bottles, towels, nipples.
You have no idea how much crap these kids need.
- How old is she, anyway? - How should I know? You want me to check her driver's licence?
- Feel her teeth. - What? -Just feel her teeth.
The druggist said that you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.
Well, I'm not feeling her teeth! You feel her teeth! I'm tired of holding her, anyway! Here!
No! Uh, no, I can't hold her and, and make her bottle at the same time.
All right, I'll hold her, you check for the teeth, okay?
- Come on! - All right.
- I can't feel anything. - What do you think that means?
- It means she doesn't have any damn teeth! - Well, neither did Gabby Hayes, and he was 90! So what?
All right, then we'll give her the stuff for newborns, hope she's not allergic to it.
You have no idea how much stuff these kids can be allergic to. What's that stench?
Michael, hold her. Just hold her. That's it.
- Wait a minute. Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this? - Michael, just hold her, will ya, so I can get the diaper off.
- Ohh! - Ohh!
How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?
Oh, God. Beats the shit out of me. All right, hand me the other diaper. There, take--
- Wait a minute. Shouldn't we wash her first? - Uh, we'll wash her later.
Just-- Well, give me the cotton. Give me the-- Oh!
How about this?
Come on. Uh, Michael, I-- Just give me a little cotton.
- I don't need a package. I just need some cotton. - All right, here.
Oh, no, wait, g-- The wipies. Get me the g-- the, you know, the cotton wipies.
Right.
Here it is.
- All right. - Ooh, this is disgusting.
It's all over, and it's, it's-- it's sticky and--
We're gonna need some kind of cleaning fluid to get it off.
- How about after-shave? - Aw, come on, Michael! Just get me one of the diapers!
All right.
All right, good. Now, these tape things go in the front or the back?
- Uh, how am I supposed to know? - Okay. There.
Whoa! These diapers are way too big.
- What size did you get, adult? - They're ultra-absorbent.
The more absorbent the better, if you ask me.
Will you hold her for a minute? The kid's going crazy. I--
- I don't want to. - Come on, Michael!
- Hey, don't pull that so hard. It's gonna rip. - I'm not gonna rip it.
Yes, you are.
All right, well, okay, uh, get me another diaper. I'll use the tape.
I'll use the tape from the diaper, I'll tape it up. I'm an architect, for Christ's sakes.
I build 50-storey skyscrapers. I assemble cities of the future.
I can certainly put together a goddam diaper.
Take it easy, kid, all right?
There. There. See? It's working.
Piece of cake. There. Yeah.
Nice job, Pete.
The little insect was just waiting for that diaper to fall off.
I think we're in trouble.
I'm gonna kill Jack.
I'm gonna kill him.
- This is the deal. Yeah, that's it. - Michael.
- What? - You're gonna have to wash where the poop was.
- Now, come on. - All righty.
- Come on. - I've got that handled. - No, no, just--
- Perfect. - You're not getting anything off that way.
There. There you go.
- That's clean. Isn't that clean? - Yeah, right.
- And her-- her privates. - I'll rinse her.
- All right. Rinse her out a little bit. - There we go.
Okay. This says-- This says ''For moisturizing and--''
- Don't use the baby lotion now. It's lotion. - Well, it says---
- It says ''Prevents chapping and chaffing.'' -Just wash the baby.
Well, I should put some in there anyway just to sort of make sure she's not--
Okay.
We gotta get some help.
Jack said this is a delicate situation, that we shouldn't tell anybody.
Can you believe him, putting us through hell to save his precious reputation?
I'm not doing it any more.
Odds.
Willie, they need you over here a minute.
Make a little room.
- Well, at least it ain't rainin'. - You're gonna have a headache. - Try sleepin' nights, Peter.
Mary, let me have the pen.
Come on. Come on. I'm later than usual this week for the deadline.
Come here. Okay-- Oh!
Actually, Sam, I-- I don't seem to have them here after all.
I must have left them at the office, but, uh, I'll get them first thing in the morning. Right.
Your daddy's a dead man.
- Rebecca, you're-- - Yeah, I came as soon as I got your messages. What's the emer--
- Who are-- Who are you? - Um-- -Jan.
- This is Jan Clopatz. This is Peter Mitchell. - Pleasure to meet you. - How do you do? Come on.
Jan is a cellist from Hungary.
He's playing with the Brauslau Baroque Ensemble at Carnegie Hall.
- What a thrill. - Peter, what's the emergency?
Just come with me.
This is the big emergency.
- It's a baby. - Why is that the first thing everybody says-- ''It's a baby''? Of course it's a baby.
- It's your baby? - No, it's not my baby.
- It's Jack's baby. -Jack has a baby?
I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.
Well, it doesn't look like Jack. Jack's got more hair.
I'm glad you can joke at a time like this. See? She needs to be held.
- Babies like to be held. - Hmm.
- Where is he? -Jack? Oh.
Jack's in Turkey, which is where I'd be if my baby was in New York.
Now look, Rebecca, we're dying here.
Michael doesn't know anything about babies. I don't know anything about babies.
On top of that, I got deadlines hanging all over me.
I've been reading these-- these books about babies.
I can't figure it out. For instance, it says here-- Look.
''Feed every two hours.'' Well, it takes me two hours to get her to eat anything.
So does it mean feed her every two hours from when I start?
- Yeah. - Or every two hours from when I finish?
Because I've been feeding her every two hours from when I start, and I'm feeding her all the time!
- Mmm. - So which is it?
- Why are you asking me? - Because you're a woman.
Yeah. That doesn't mean I automatically know what to do with babies.
Rebecca, now, pl--
please, uh, stay with me and, and help me take care of her.
- You want me to take care of her. - Yes.
- Now? - No, when she graduates from college. Yes, now.
I can't do that, Peter.
Baby take very, very much work, huh? Yeah.
Thank you for telling me that,Jan. I didn't know that. What is he, an idiot savant?
Rebecca, we--we'll be late and--
Uh-- W--Uh-- Rebecca, no, now--
Rebecca, please! Stay with me!
- I have got a date. - Oh?
Oh, excuse me for cramping your romantic style.
Rebecca, we'll be late, huh?
- Uh, just-- - You can't be serious about this guy.
Oh, come on, Peter. You go out with other people and so do I. We agreed to that.
You can go out with the whole damn string section for all I care. That's not the issue.
- Right now I need you here. - Well, I can't be here now.
- Oh! She doodled. - Doodled!
Yes, doodled! What's the matter? Don't babies doodle in Hungary?
- We're leaving. - Uh, Rebecca, no, wait.
Come on, Rebecca, please. Don't go.
Peter, you're a very big boy, you're very capable...
and you're gonna get through this just fine.
I hate the cello.
Don't.
I keep waiting for Candid Camera to walk through the door.
- What did you cancel for tonight? - Box seats at Shea. You?
Dinner with Cheryl.
Two more days.
Where'd you put the baby powder?
I'll get it.
What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here. You should have brought it in with her bath stuff.
- It's just down the hall. - Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?
Well, maybe we should start, goddam it!
You're going to clean that up.
- What time are those guys supposed to get here? -Jack's message said before noon.
Good. I gotta see my editor about 1 :00.
Michael, did you move my blueprints? I need 'em for my meeting this afternoon.
Sorry.
I think she did a doodle. Your turn to change her.
I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.
Check this out.
What do you know?
Coming! Coming!
- Does, uh,Jack Holden live here? - Yeah.
- Someone asked us to pick up a package. - A package?
I love the way everybody keeps calling it a package.
You can tell Sylvia for us that she's got a lot of nerve dumping her problems in our laps.
- Who's Sylvia? - When it first got here, we considered calling the cops.
- Hey, w-- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. No, no, w-- - But we didn't. We stuck it out, even though it totally disrupted our lives.
No, you wait. Hey, we haven't been able to work or to sleep.
- And there's been shit all over this place for days. - ''Shit''?
- What? - You mean the package? It busted?
Busted? Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.
- Well, did you put the shit back? - Put it back? No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did?
Michael.
Her next bottle's in 45 minutes. I made it up already. It's in the basket.
- It's a baby. - You're sharp, aren't ya? He's all right, huh?
Twenty minutes after she eats, she gets tired. Put her to bed.
- And I'm getting you a can of powdered milk. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. - Right. Powdered milk. Right. - Yeah, powdered milk.
So, all right, so we'll take the ''powdered milk'' and, uh, we'll get out of here.
What, you want us to take the baby?
That was the arrangement.
- Are you sure that's the plan? - You're damn straight.
Well, if you say so. Let's go.
- You won't forget what we said? - No.
And she likes to be rocked to sleep. Gently.
Gently. Absolutely. Gently. I-I can handle it.
Maybe you should leave a phone number, in case you need some advice.
Oh, uh, I'll call you.
Do you hear that, Peter? Just listen. Isn't it wonderful?
- Isn't what wonderful? - Quiet.
Peace and quiet.
There's something screwy going on, Michael. I got a funny feeling.
What are you talking about? You've been tense the last five days.
It's just your nerves unwinding.
Maybe you're right.
Michael.
- Michael, what is this? - A package.
- When did it get here? - Sunday.
- Mrs Hathaway br-- - Go to the window. See if you can stop them.
I gotta try and catch up with them!
Hi. Hello.
Yeah, you're beautiful. Come on. Wanna go for a ride?
Hey! Hey, up here!
- Where am I gonna put this little baby? - Right on your lap.
Huh? No, we need a little baby car seat, I think.
- Put her in the trunk. - Yeah? You wanna go for a ride in the car, in the trunk?
Huh? Wanna go in the trunk?
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Hey, hey. You wanna try this? It's an adventure.
Why am I listening to you? Why-- Why do I listen to you? I mean, this is absurd. I can't put a little baby in the trunk.
- Hey! - It's okay. Yeah.
- Oh, Mr Wonderful. - Hey!
-Yeah? -Look, uh, I gave you the wrong package.
- W-W-What wrong package? What are you talking-- - I made a-- I made a terrible mistake.
I gave you the wrong package. Look, I've got-- Give me the baby first.
- No. Hey, no-- Take it easy. Be gentle. - Give me the-- Give me the baby first.
- Give me the baby. Give me the baby. - Be gentle. You're disturbing the baby.
- Hey, hey, hey, what are you, crazy? - Give me the baby first.
- Look, hey, Satch. Hey, listen, this guy's an animal. - Give me the baby! Please!
I keep him chained to the wall. I feed him raw meat.
- Hey! What's goin' on here? - Oh, God, it's Roy and Trigger.
- I said, what's goin' on here? - Nothing, Officer.
- You gonna ride with that kid in the trunk? - No! Of course not. That's absurd.
I mean, it's unhealthy for the child, and it's illegal also, I understand.
- No, he's not, Officer. Give me the baby. - Yeah--
- All right, let me see your licence and registration. - Why?
- Why? - Yeah, why? - 'Cause you're double-parked, wise guy!
- Oh. Why-- All right. Wait a minute. What's-- - Give me the baby.
Just be gentle. Be gentle. Be gentle.
- Hey. Stay there. - One second, Officer. I'll be right with you.
Book! Book! Book! Book!
Hey, come back here! You, freeze!
I have no intention of moving, Officer. I'm not a criminal, I'm an architect.
- W-With a baby. See? - Ah, let me see some I.D.
Oh, yeah, sure.
- I don't have any with me. - Up against the car. Spread 'em.
Uh, Officer, look, uh, uh, my wallet's up in my apartment.
It's right up there. You can come up with me. You're welcome to.
Uh, uh, I-I'll some you some I.D, but I'm not gonna spread 'em because I have a baby, as you can plainly see.
All right, architect, let's go.
Here we are. Come on in. Can I get you a cup of coffee or something?
No, thanks. I'll just wait here by the door.
Michael! I'll just be a second.
Come with me, Michael. Here we go. I'm coming.
Uh, just listen. The package those guys came for is full of drugs.
- What? - Drugs. All right, here.
- Coming. Do something with it. - Like what?
Hide it. I gotta show him some I.D. I'm coming.
- Sorry to keep you waiting. There you are. - Would you mind removing that from the cover, please?
- Well, sure. - Thank you.
Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Shh. Sure. Shh. Shh. Shh.
Thanks for coming up, Officer. I hope it hasn't been an inconvenience.
And if there's anything else I can do for you, just let me know.
I was just doin' my job.
Hi. I'm Detective Sergeant Melkowitz, Narcotics.
Officer, you can go down and saddle up now.
- Yes, sir. - I'll handle this.
Aren't you gonna ask me in?
Can I, uh, get you a cup of coffee, some water, a beer?
No, no. No, thanks, I'm fine.
Ah.
- You don't mind me asking a few questions, do you? - No, not at all.
- Is that your baby I saw you with downstairs? - No.
Uh, well, um, it's my roommate Jack's.
Well, who were those two men I saw you talking to?
Friends. Of the mother's. They were gonna take her for a ride.
The baby! Baby. Not the mother.
But they couldn't, see, because they brought the wrong car. There's no baby seat.
Well, do you mind if I have a look at that baby? I just love little babies.
She's sleeping.
Sounds like she's awake to me. Do you mind if I see her?
I don't know. You know, she doesn't really like strangers.
- She may not be decent. - Oh, I don't think she'll mind.
Well, there she is. And she's got a friend.
Oh, yeah, this is my, uh, other roommate.
Uh, Detective Melkowitz, this is Michael Kellam.
- Hello. - Oh, what a cutie.
Do you mind if I hold her? I just love kids.
Well, I'd rather not, actually. She's, um--
- Go ahead, Michael. It won't hurt her. - Uh, well, you know how she is around people, Peter. She's so--
Michael, will you let him hold her. He's not gonna hurt her. He's a police officer.
- All right. - Oh. - Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
You're a heavy little girl, aren't you?
Yes. Yes, she really is heavy, isn't she?
- She's a good eater. - Yeah. That's a good sign.
It means she won't grow up to be a nervous adult.
You've got nothing to be nervous about, have you, sweetie?
- Feels as though she's ready for a change. - Oh. - Yeah.
- Oh. You know babies. - Yep. - All they do is eat, sleep and poop.
- Here, Michael. - Yeah, I'll take her. - Good idea.
Oh, what a cute little baby.
Uh, do you happen to know where her father is at the moment?
- No. Uh, yeah, he's on location, uh, doing a TV movie. - Huh?
- But I-I don't have any idea where. - Uh, do you know this guy?
Oh, not very well. He's a friend of Jack's. Uh, I don't remember his name.
His name is Paul Milner. He directs TV commercials.
And on the side, he just happens to dabble in a little heroin smuggling.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't know him. I don't--
I'd appreciate that glass of water now, Mr Mitchell.
- Of course. No problem. - Thank you.
I got it.
- Hi, this is Peter... - Michael... - and Jack.
- We're out playing and we can't come to the phone-- - But we'll call you back.
- Shit! - So please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
- Hold on. Whoever it is, I'm here. - Uh, Peter! Jack.
Yeah, how are you? L-Listen, uh, I got a message saying you're trying to get through to me. What's up?
Jack, Michael and I really have to talk to you, but, uh, uh, you called us at a bad time. We'll call back later.
Wh-whoa, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don't hang up. I'm calling from Turkey.
It took me an hour to put this call through. It's not an easy place to phone from, you know.
Hey, Peter, this place is amazing.
You will not believe some of the stuff I bought for you guys.
-Jack! - I mean, the shit is so cheap here.
I probably bought too much of it, but what the hell, I can always smuggle it in.
-Just kidding. -Jack, thanks for calling.
Uh, and we'll see you when you get back.
I gotta get him a glass of water so his mouth doesn't go dry when he reads me my rights.
- Here you are, Sergeant. - Oh, thanks.
Goodbye.
Nice talking to you. It was very illuminating.
- He heard the phone call. - We're dead.
- You think Jack's involved in this? - I don't know.
We gotta talk to Paul Milner.
- Why him? - Because he is involved.
Couldn't you think of somewhere better to hide the drugs?
Hey, it was perfect until you insisted that he hold the baby.
All right, you're right, Michael. I'm sorry. Where'd you put 'em now?
In the garbage pail under the other dirty diapers. Nobody's gonna look for it there.
You realize we're in trouble with this cop.
You realize, of course, that no one's coming back to get this kid.
- ...is not in service. -Jesus, you're right.
We're stuck with her until Jack gets back.
It's disconnected.
- Oh, I'm late. - Wait a minute, wait a minute, so am I.
Oh, damn it.
Mr Kellam?
Mr Mitchell?
- Hello, Mrs Hathaway. - Oh, Mr Mitchell.
It seems that a horse has befouled the front walk. Do you know anything about it?
- Mrs Hathaway, how nice to see you. - Really nice to see you.
Oh.
- She can sit till 5:00. - Well, I'll try and hurry.
Me too. I'm worried.
- I got the one with the mustache. - I'll call Sergeant Melkowitz and tell him we're moving.
Right.
There.
Here you go, pal. What can I do for ya?
I'd like, uh, Sports Illustrated, Popular Science, some of this gum...
and that giraffe up there.
- Which one's the giraffe? - The rubber one.
That's not a giraffe. That's a dinosaur.
- Whatever. - You mean the one with the little polka dots up there?
- Yes, uh, thank you. - That's a dinosaur. A giraffe has big ears.
- I don't care whether it has ears or not.Just give me the damn thing. - It's got little ears. It's a dinosaur.
- Hey, what about your change? - Never mind. - What about your change, pal?
He left at 4:00. He'll be back on Thursday.
Mrs Hathaway. Mrs Hathaway, I'm home.
Mrs Hathaway. Mrs Hathaway, where's Mary?
- I don't know. I don't know. - Where's Mary?
Mary?
Oh, my God.
Mary! Mary!
Mary.
Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
Thank God.
Thank God.
No, everything's fine, darling. Everything's fine.
Don't you worry.
Nobody's gonna hurt you. No. It's okay.
Peter? Peter!
She's okay. She's not hurt.
- How are you? - I'm fine.Just--
See what those bastards did to my videotapes?
We got a message.
What'd it say?
''Next time we'll take the baby.''
- It's okay. It's okay. - Mr Kellam.
Mr Mitchell!
''The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...
''that sent the challenger crashing into the ropes.
''Smith, his left eye swollen and the cut above his right eye now much more bloody...
countered with a barrage of vicious body blows.''
- What are you reading her? - It doesn't matter what I read.
It's the tone you use.
She doesn't understand the words anyway. Now, where were we?
''The champ began the fifth round...
''like a man possessed...
''going straight for his opponent's body...
with ferocious energy.''
Here you go, darlin'.
Stupid-- I can't believe--
My face! Watch out for my face! Peter, it's me,Jack!
-Jack! -Jesus,Jack!
- Get up! - No, wait-- - W-What are you-- Get him off! - You irresponsible-- Come here!
- What is it with you guys? - We should be asking you that question!
- Why? What'd I do? - What the hell are you doing back so soon anyway?
- My part got cut. Okay? - Good!
What is with him? Wh--Je--
Look at this place. Will somebody please tell me what the hell is goin' on around here?
- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!
What was that? No, I'm not goin' anywhere until you tell me what's goin' on.
- We'll be glad to. - That really hurt, Peter.
- Ow, ow, ow. - Sunday morning I come back from jogging...
to find this basket with this baby in it waiting in the vestibule.
- Well, why-- - Inside is a little note from a Sylvia...
saying that the baby was yours and she was leaving it here for you to deal with it.
- M-Mine? - Then along comes another little package with your name on it...
only this time the package has heroin in it...
and the narcotics squad permanently camped downstairs knows all about it.
The cops? I don't believe this. I don't know anything about any drugs or any police.
I mean, I thought I was just doing a favour for Paul. I didn't know what was in that package.
And I certainly don't know anything about that baby.
I mean, for God's sake, somebody drops a baby off on, on your doorstep, and you automatically assume he's mine?
Look, the child doesn't look anything like me.
I'm bigger and, and I have more hair.
''Dear Jack, Here is our baby. I can't handle this now. I don't know where else to turn. S--''
Sylvia? Oh, my--
Oh, my God. Stratford. Ayear and a ha--
Ayear and a half ago.
I was doing Taming of the Shrew. She was the shrew.
I mean, I did some of my best work in that.
- I got great reviews. -Jack, you're such a jerk.
- You're always thinkin' about yourself. I wanna kill you. - Michael, you won't have to.
Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter Mary.
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, you guys. You can't be sure that this is my kid. Uh-- Um--
- What the hell am I supposed to do with it? - We've put our lives on hold,Jack, taking care of this kid...
and now it's your turn.
Okay. All right. All right, fine.
All right, until I straighten this mess out, I'll, uh, I'll take care of her.
I mean, sure, why not?
I'm an actor. I can, uh, I can do a father.
Yeah. Yeah. See, huh? What could be so difficult, huh? Yeah.
- Goodnight,Jack. - Goodnight,Jack. - Goodnight. Goodnight.
Oh. Down we go.
W-W-Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What-What's the matter with her?
- Goodnight,Jack. - Goodnight,Jack.
Hold still, kid. Gee-- Hey, how do you put on these goddam things anyway?
Figure it out for yourself, dickhead.
- Nice shot. - Look at that stuff. Oh, my God!
What are you guys feeding her, huh? Oh, no, no, please!
Not on the silk sheets. Not on the silk sheets. Please, please!
Maybe I should show him how to put on the diaper.
Oh, no. I don't believe this. Why me? Oh, come on, baby.
Nope. Let's give him another half hour.
Let him suffer.
Yes, yes, I'm trying to reach Paul Milner.
No, he was supposed to be in San Francisco, but I can't find him.
Wo-Would you please tell him to call Jack Holden as soon as he gets in?
- Is this urgent? - Yeah, urgent's an understatement.
Lady.
I don't know why I bother giving you this. It just goes right through you.
- Did you get a hold of your friend? - No.
- Don't forget to bolt the door. - I won't.
And remember, there's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in that diaper pail.
- And the new baby wipes are in the cabinet. - Right.
Heroin's in the diaper pail. Baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Where else would they be? I can't believe this.
You're kidding me. Thirty-two Benningtons i-in the London area?
Yes, sir.
Uh, uh, uh, I'll get back to you. I-I--
Oh, boy.
Oh, baby. Look, I-I know. I know. I know. Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, God. Y-Yeah.
Well, we tried your mommy. Maybe I should, uh--
Maybe I should try mine, huh?
Yeah.
Mom?
- Well, where is she? - Oh, Mom, wait till you see her.
Oh, you won't believe this. She is so beautiful.
She looks just like you.
- You know, you boys live like pigs. - Oh, Mom.
Look, look. There. Isn't she beautiful?
There she is. Look at that little baby!
- Yeah. - You're such a pretty little girl.
Will you come to me? I'm gonna pick you right up.
- Yes, I'm gonna pick you right up. - Oh, I am in awe. I mean, look at you.
You-You pick her up like a pro.
I pick her up like a grandmother.
It's called experience. Darling.
Let's see you. Oh, she's so lovely. What's her name?
- Mary. - Mary.
Well, Mary!
Look at the way she's looking at me.
-For a moment there, I had her laughing. -Yeah, just like me, huh?
Don't ruin this for me,Jack.
- Oh! - Oh, she adores you!
- You-- Well, well, well. - She knows that you're her grandmother.
It's like a-- It's like a biological thing, an instant connection.
Cut the crap,Jack. What do you want?
Mom, I can't take care of her.
I don't know what to do.
I was kinda hoping that-- that maybe you could take her, just for a little while.
Not forever. You know, until she's ready to vote.
Oh, I would love to. Do you know,Jack?
Some people live all their lives...
without having anything as wonderful as this to show for it?
- I know, Mom. - So I'm gonna do the most wonderful thing in the world for you.
Absolutely nothing.
Why?
Jack, you've always run away from responsibility.
Now you have to turn and face it.
Mom, I'm a screw-up.
You were a screw-up. Now you're a father.
And you'll be a fine one.
- You think so? - I know it.
Your father, God rest his soul...
he was a screw-up and he turned out just fine.
- Really? - Don't you remember?
- Well, yeah, I guess. - Now, give me a kiss.
Mary, give me a kiss.
And now, you and your friends clean this place up.
If not for yourselves, do it for my granddaughter.
- We-We will. We will. - Bye.
Bye. Thanks anyway, Mom.
Well, looks like it's just you and me now, kid.
What? Mama.
Oh,Jack? There's four bottles prepared already.
So you should be fine till tomorrow morning.
And if her bottom gets red, you just give her a bottle of water.
Works miracles. In about three hours, white as marble.
We'll be in seats D-1 1 , 1 2, 1 3 and 1 4.
Yeah, if there's a problem, just call. The usher will come and get us. Oh!
Here's the number.
- Wait a minute. Are you leaving right now? - Yeah, now.
- When are you coming back? - About midnight.
All right. Don't worry about us. Wait a minute. Is this a four?
Yeah, it's a four.
It's good to have.
So, uh, what do you want to do?
You know, this show's been running longer than Mary's been alive?
Peter, we agreed not to mention her name tonight, right?
- Right. My mistake. - Who did you guys con into sitting for you?
-Jack. -Jack? Daddy?
Patty.
Are you hungry? Huh? Well, we're in luck here.
Uh, oh-ho-ho!
Tonight, uh, the chef has, uh...
cooked up something very special for you.
He has taken the juice of one cow...
and, uh, sauteed it, uh, with a fine sauce.
It is, uh, presented surrounded by a bottle...
and topped off, uh, with a delicious rubber nipple, huh?
Oh-ho. Yes. Oh, excellent choice. Yes, yes.
Here we go. Oh, yes.
Wh-What?
Here you go. Come on.
Please?
You don't want it, huh?
Yeah, I just changed you. Huh?
And you're not hungry. What else is there in life?
I always wanted to be a musical comedy star.
- Did you ever try? - No.
Ladies and gentlemen, act two will begin in three minutes.
Three minutes.
Michael, have you ever done any acting?
No. No, I leave that to Jack. The idiot.
I got sunshine on a cloudy day
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May
I guess you say
What can make me feel this way My girl
But maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he fell and hit his head.
He's probably unconscious.
- Will you come on? It's started. - It's terrible, terrible.
- I had a great time. - I'll see you at P.J.'s later.
Oh, you can sing us a song from the second act, okay?
Are they always this strange?
Yes, since they got involved with another woman.
Wasn't that fun, huh? Yeah. Oh, cover that.
-Jack? -Jack, where are you?
-Jack! - I'm right here. What? What?
- What are you doing? - Well, what's it look like I'm doing, Peter?
- Is everything all right? - Everything's fine, yeah.
Why you guys back so soon anyway, huh?
Uh, we thought that we might have left the stove on.
No, no. The stove's not on.
I think that Uncle Peter and Uncle Michael are having a nervous breakdown, yes.
I called,Jack. I let the phone ring for five minutes.
- Why didn't you answer the phone? - Well, because Mary and I were taking a shower.
Weren't we? Yeah, we didn't hear anything.
Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that the truth, mademoiselle?
Yes.
Oh, you are cute, yes.
I never put a phone in a shower before.
- You get many calls in here? - A steady stream.
- What if you slipped down there? - Well, I did try.
- We did pretty well for the first time out. - Yeah.
- Here. - What?
''Commercial director hospitalized after mugging.''
- What? - Yeah, take a look at this. This is your friend, Paul Milner.
''Don't let this happen to you.
''Be at the phone booth at the corner of 81 st and Columbus...
at exactly 8:00 p.m. tonight.''
They're trying to intimidate us. I hate that.
- I've had enough of this doo-doo. - I want to finish this, okay?
Hello?
Yeah, we got your message.
Uh-uh. No good.
We do it our way.
Because we got the stuff, and if you don't do it our way--
- Come on. - Say it, say it.
We flush it down the toilet!
Okay, now listen, and listen good.
There's a-- a construction site.
Car 20 following suspects, southbound Central Park West.
Come on, Peter!
- Damn it,Joe! We lost 'em! - I got it. Three blocks, turn around.
That was great. That was great. Everybody remember what they're supposed to do?
Oh, come on, Peter. It's not that complicated a plan.
Yeah, next he's gonna want us to synchronize our watches, right?
Should we do that?
Yes, thank you.
Hello, Sergeant Melkowitz. Uh, my name is Jack Holden.
I think you know my two roommates.
I must have been crazy to agree to this. Goddam.
- Orange elevator. Here it is. - Right.
Close door.
- Okay, 1 5, please. - Fifteen?
Yeah. I'm all filthy and everything.
What's wrong, my sweetheart? Come here. What is it, huh?
Sweetie.
Oh. Well, you should have told me before we left.
Oh, boy, this is not a-- this is not a good time to do this.
Hold still.
Oh, you make such a-- There you go.
Michael.
They're here.
- Hey, look. Hey, you know, this is really aggravating. - I'm here.
- I'm here by the pipes. - You know, I don't have a lot of time, but, uh--
- Hold it. - What, what, what? - Hold it! All right, just hold it.
Look, where is the stuff? Will you give it to me?
- It's in the elevator. - Oh, bullshit.
Uh, i-it's in the control panel. Uh, check for yourself.
What am I supposed to do, bring my handy little tool kit here?
You realize that, uh...
we had absolutely nothing to do with this.
We had no idea what was in the package.
Yeah, no kidding. I mean, I could have figured that out in about four seconds.
I mean, you know, you guys don't behave like a couple of pros.
- You know what I mean? - Right. - Yeah.
- We're not pros. - I just said that, didn't I?
I'm sensitive to that.
I mean, why do you make it so complicated?
- We've never done this. - I got it. - Great.
You're forgiven this time.
Very wise of you to cooperate, finally.
- Glad it's over. - No-No happier than I am, believe me.
I mean, dealing with, uh, amateurs is a real pain in the ass.
- So is dealing with professionals. - No doubt.
Hey, what is that?
- What, are you abusing my trust here or what? - Whoa!
- There's someone in there! - Come on.
Come on, Michael.
- Oh, no. - Oh, look-- look out.
- I lost my balance. - You all right? - Yeah.
- Did you get it? - Yeah. Yeah, I got it! - We got 'em!
Who's doing this? Huh? I want that camera, punk!
- There's six switches! - Aw, these guys wrecked my day.
-Jack! - What the hell happened?
- He hit the wrong button. - He what?
- Can it go any faster or what? - This is it.
- Huh? Come on. You punks! -Jack!
-Jack! - Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
I want that home movie. I'll wait for you. I want that movie.
- Oh, no. -Jack!
- Hit the button on the left! - The button on the left,Jack!
- What? What? - Hit the button on the left!
There is no left. The le--
- Come on, get it going faster, will ya? Is that it? - I can't.
Please.
- Hey, why are we stopped? What's the matter? Huh? - I don't understand.
- Why is this elevator stopped? - What do you want? It's dead. The whole thing's no good.
I got 'em!
- It ain't running. It just ain't running. - What's going on?
- Did you hit the button? Jesus. - Yeah, it's dead. - Oh, boy.
Uncle Peter and Uncle Michael are gonna be plenty ticked off with Daddy.
- Aren't you glad he's on our side? - What happened? What happened? Can you get--
You wait for me. I know where you live, man!
- Oh, no, no, Vince. - Oh, why? Why is this happening?
- Oh, no! - Why is this happening? Why?
Okay. It's okay, guys. It's okay.
Hi. Um, are you Sergeant Melkowitz?
- Yeah. - Oh, good.
- Are you-- Are you the father? - Yes. Yes, yes, I am.
Hey! Oh, thanks for the phone call.
Oh, actually it was, uh, Peter's idea. Hi, guys.
- She's okay, she's okay. - Hello, Sergeant.
-The guys you want are in that elevator. -The drugs are up there too.
- Everything you need to know is right here. - It's very illuminating.
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.
If I have any questions, I know where to reach you guys.
- Yeah. - Okay, fellas. - Let's get 'em,Jimmy.
- Hey, can I hold the baby, huh? - No.
- No. - Oh, I guess not.
When the sun goes down and it's getting late
You say it's time for bed
Shejust takes her time acting like she never
Heard a word you said
Little baby want to hold you tight
She don't ever wanna say goodnight
She's in love She want to be Daddy's girl
When the morning comes and it's time to go
Start another day
She won't let you leave and she does her best
Try to make you stay
Pretty baby gonna start to cry
She don't ever wanna say goodbye
She's in love She want to be Daddy's girl
She don't ever wanna be without you
Never have to worry She won't doubt you
Then she puts her head upon your shoulder
- Says she'll marry you when she gets older - Go again, please.
- I will see you burn in hell. - You'll see me where?
- In hell. You heard me. - Yes, and where will you be...
while I'm burning in hell?
I'll tell you where I'll be, you silly bitch.
I will be in Niagara Falls, that's where.
Can you say ''Michael''? Michael.
Huh? Yeah. Can you say ''Michael''?
Michael. Michael.
She won't understand why you're feeling sad
'Cause she's leaving you alone
Little woman gonna make you cry
You don't ever wanna say goodbye
She's a lady She'll always be Daddy's girl
Little woman gonna break your heart
- She's a lady - One bottle, please. One bottle.
- She'll always be Daddy's girl - Bottle.
- Bottle, please. Bottle. Here it comes. -Always be Daddy's girl
She'll always be Daddy's girl
Shh. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know. Yes, yes, yes.
- What's the matter? - I don't know. She just-- She doesn't seem to want to stop crying.
That's not like her.
- Well? - Let's give it a try.
Really? All right. I'll, uh--
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you but I really must say
Goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
Well, it's 3.:00
In the morning
Baby, I just can't treat you right
Well, I hate to leave you, baby
I don't mean maybe
Because I love you so
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you but I really must say
Goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
I didn't know you sang so well.
Well, you know, it, uh, kind of helps her sleep.
This is having quite an effect on you. You gonna have any more kids?
I don't want to talk about it, Rebecca. Goodnight.
Peter, I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping.
Could you sing to me, please?
All right, so, uh--
Thank you. Thank you.
Great.
- Good morning. - Hello.
There you go.
Yes?
I'm Sylvia.
Mary's mother. I've come to get her.
-Just a minute. - How is she doing?
She's fine. She's teething. That can be rough.
- Can I see her? - Yeah, sure. Come on in.
I don't believe how wonderful she looks!
Oh! Hello, Mary.
Hello, my darling.
It's your mommy. Yes, it's your mommy.
You're very beautiful. Your hair is growing.
You've changed so much, and I've missed it.
Mommy has missed you.
Oh, I never thought I'd miss her this much.
Hello!
Hello!
Where's my baby? Is Jack here?
- I'll get him. - Mary, look how big you've gotten!
Michael. Michael.
Sylvia's here.
Mary's leaving.
She looks very happy,Jack.
You've obviously taken good care of her.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have left her the way I did.
I hope it didn't cause too much trouble.
Uh, no, no. No trouble at all.
Sylvia.
There's something I need to know.
Is she really mine?
Yes. She is.
So, uh, what are you gonna do now? Do you-- Do you have any idea?
I, um--
I'm going home.
I can't work and take care of Mary on my own...
so, um...
we're going to move in with my family.
They said they'd help.
You're going to London?
Yeah.
When?
Tonight.
- Is that what you really want to do? - Sorry?
Never mind.
- You pack all the bottles? - Yeah.
And cans of formula?
- You packed 'em. - Yeah.
What about the blender? Maybe we should give her that, to mash up bananas and stuff.
Sure.
And diapers? You pack extra Pampers?
Yeah.
How can he let her go? If I were Jack, I would not let her go.
Neither would I, Michael. Neither would I.
But he's the father.
I don't think he wants her to go...
but he just can't admit it.
You know, if you want anything, anything at all, you call us, okay?
She'll probably be hungry in an hour. She's a real good eater, so, uh--
- Like her daddy. - Some of this stuff's fragile in here.
- Okay, I got it. - You know, if she-- if she wakes up in the middle of the night...
she likes to be sung to.
'50s and '60s music works best.
- Thanks. I'll remember that. - You're all set. Everything's packed.
If there's anything else you need, just, uh, call us.
- Anything. Okay? - Thank you.
Well, maybe, uh--
Here, let me, uh-- Go ahead.
- Gloucester Hotel, please. - The Gloucester, okay.
I'll write and let you know how we're doing.
Come on, darling.
Wave goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye, Mary. - Bye, Mary.
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you but I really must say
Oh, goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you I really must say
Oh, goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
Well, it's 3.:00
In the morning
Baby, I just can't do right
Well, I hate to leave you, baby
I don't mean maybe
Because I love you so
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you I really must say
Oh, goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
I hate to leave you I really must say
Oh, goodnight, sweetheart Goodnight
Guys like us shouldn't be raising kids anyway.
Right?
Well, should we?
I suppose not.
She's better off with her mother.
And we are definitely better off now that everything's back to normal.
- Right? - Whatever you say,Jack.
Right.
So how come I feel so bad?
What'd you say?
How come I feel so bad? I have this ache right here.
I don't know. What do you think, Mike?
- It could be the wine. - It's not the wine.
Well, what is it then?
I don't know. I wish it would go away.
Maybe it's something you ate.
- Maybe you're not getting enough sleep. - It's not that.
Then what the hell is it?
I miss Mary.
Okay?
I miss Mary.
I just wish there was something I could do.
Well, maybe there is.
- What? - When's her flight leaving?
- Yo, taxi! - Taxi!
- Taxi! - Taxi!
- Kennedy Airport. - Yeah, Kennedy.
Kennedy Airport.
- Who you guys chasing? - My baby girl.
- Her mother's taking her to London. - Oh, yeah? How old?
- Se-Seven months. - Seven months. - Seven months? That's hard work.
But pretty soon, they start to walk.
And let me tell you, the first time you hear the word ''Daddy''...
I don't care who you are, your heart just melts.
- Can you drive a little faster, please? - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Good luck to you.
Thanks. Good luck, guys.
Four. Gate four.
Excuse me, sir. Hold it, fellas. One at a time.
Please, one at a time. Any metal.
Put it in here, please.
Thank you, sir. One at a time. Thank you.
One, two, three, four. Four!
- 1 76. Flight 1 76? - That's it.
Thank you. Goodnight.
Sylvia, are you all right? What happened?
- We thought you'd gone. - I couldn't go,Jack. I couldn't do it.
I mean, I don't want to make another mistake.
And I knew if I took her away, I'd just be making another mistake.
I mean, I-I have to work.
I mean, I can't do that and take care of Mary alone.
I mean, do you know what it's like?
A one-room flat, on your feet all day...
working or auditioning.
And I'm on the job sometimes until 3:00 in the morning.
- And since Mary gets up at 5:30-- - Oh, I know, I know. It's awful.
- I mean, you can imagine how much sleep I get. - Yeah.
A-And after the 5:30 bottle, it starts all over again at 9:00.
And by the time I change her and play with her a little, it's already 8:00.
Well, forget about sleeping after that. It's impossible.
And then the babysitters until 3:00 in the morning.
All my money is sucked down the tubes.
And me so tired. I can't take Mary to the park.
Oh, tell me about it. Gettin' time to take her to the park? That's a bitch.
- Sit down. - I mean, I love my job, but...
I sometimes feel like I'm just working to pay the sitters...
and I run around all day...
and I-I don't get enough sleep.
And what's worse, I don't think I'm taking very good care of Mary.
- No, of course you are. - I am? I mean, I couldn't cope.
- Sylvia, we know how hard it is. - Yeah, there's three of us. We could hardly manage.
And I don't want to go to London. I want to work in New York.
But I can't do that alone.
I hope I don't have to.
I need help. I need someone to help me.
We'll help. We will help.
- Yes, yes, absolutely. I mean, you can leave her anytime you want. - Yes. Yes.
- We'd love to have her. - Oh, gosh, yeah.
When you go for an audition or-- or you go shopping, or-- or whatever.
- You want to be by yourself. - I was hoping you would say that.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Really? Oh--
- Thank you so much. Mary. - Yeah, of course.
Hold it, guys. I don't think I like this arrangement.
I just don't want to be Mary's babysitter.
I want-- We want to be able to see her all the time. May I?
I-I agree. So what are you saying? What do you-- What do you mean?
I'm saying...
that I think Mary should move in with us permanently...
that we should be her family.
Well, I-I think it's lovely of you to offer, Peter...
but I-I couldn't let Mary--
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh, no, you don't understand.
You're right, Sylvia. She's-- She's your daughter. She needs a full-time mother.
- That's why we think that-- that-- that you should move in too. - We-- We--
- Oh, it's a great idea. Oh, Sylvia. - Yeah! - I--
- What do you think? Come on. - Of course, it's better than-- Four is better than three.
Uh-- Do you-- Do you have room?
I'll build you a room. I'll build Mary a room.
- That's what he does in life. - Yeah, that's what he does. He builds rooms.
- Oh, please, say yes. - Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Something happened, baby in my life
The minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
Hey, nothing mattered, baby in my life
Till the minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
I'm happy when I'm near to you
Yeah, it's true Can't get any better
If someone else would ever turn from me
You would see that I wouldn't let her
Trust me, baby You're the only one
Trust me Don't let me be the lonely one
Something happened, baby in my life
The minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
Hold me, hold me
All I want to do is kiss your baby face
Hold me, hold me
I wanna rock you in my arms till I know you're safe
Till I know you're safe
Been waitin'all my life for you
Yeah, it's true You better believe it
There ain't nothin' I would hide from you
Trust my heart You're all that I needed
Trust me Baby, you're the only one
Trust me Don't let me be the lonely one
Something happened, baby in my life
The minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
Hey
Something happened, baby in my life
The minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
Yeah, something happened, baby in my life
The minute I saw you
The minute I saw you
All the others faded from my life
The minute I saw you
I saw you
Hey, hey, hey Hey, yeah, yeah
I saw you
Hey, hey
Just don't want to leave her alone
TLF - The In-Laws
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