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Time Bandits

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[ TV Announcer ]|Yes, folks, Moderna Designs...
present the latest|in kitchen luxury.
The Moderna Wonder Major All-Automatic|Convenience Center-ette...
gives you all the time in the world|to do the things you really want to do.
An infrared|freezer/oven complex...
that can make you a meal|from packet to plate...
in 15 and a half seconds.
The Morrisons have got one that|can do that in eight seconds.
Block of ice to beef bourguignon|in eight seconds.
Lucky things.
Dad, did you know that|the ancient Greek warriors...
had to learn 44 different|ways of unarmed combat ?
Well, at least we've got|a two-speed hedge cutter.
They were trying to kill people 26|different ways with their bare hands.
- [ Watch Beeping ]|- Bedtime for you, Kevin. It's 9:00.
And this King Agamemnon,|he once fought--
Go on, dear.|Your father said.
- Oh, all right.|- The man you all love, Kenny Lange.
Well, that's today's top prize.
Let's meet today's star guest|on Your Money Or Your Life.
Bring them on, girls.|Oh, don't they look gorgeous ?
Oh, they get lovelier|every day.
[ Father ]|Turn that light off !
It is off.
[ Door Rattling ]
[ Horse Neighing ]
[ Neighing Continues ]
[ Door Opens ]
What the hell|is going on up here ?
I told you to put that light out|and get to bed.
- But--|- And no more noise !
It came off just like that.|The whole thermostat.
That's the toaster, the spreader|and the slicer all gone.
- She's in a terrible state.|- Should've bought German.
- Mom ?|- It would've matched her rotissomat.
- Mom, Dad, can I--|- You're going to bed|in good time tonight.
- I was thinking of going to bed now.|- Now ? Certainly not.
-You must wait for your food to go down.|-I haven't eaten any food.
Well, you must eat|your food.
And then wait for it|to go down.
[ Machine Beeping ]
Oh, no !|Not the carvery again.
[ TV Audience Applauding ]
Oh, dear me, Beryl.|Now, all I want to know...
is what famous film star|begins with "C" ?
Do you understand|the question, my darling ?
[ Audience Laughter ]
Come on, Beryl. Come on. Jumbo's|gonna end up in the souffle, Beryl.
You've got to answer it, Beryl.|Come on. Come on, Beryl.
- It's gone down now.|- Come on, Beryl. Come on.
- What ?|- My supper. It's gone down.
I can feel it.|Can I go to bed now ?
Yeah, all right.|Off you go. But no noise.
- What ?|- No noise !
All right. Okay.
[ TV Announcer ]|No, Beryl. Capetown is not a film star.
[ Audience Laughing ]
Oh, dear. Oh, well.|That's Your Money Or Your Life.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Yawning ]
[ Toy Humming ]
[ Father ]|Well, it takes money.
[ Mother ]|With a kitchen like that ?
[ Father ]|Our kitchen's all right, isn't it ?
[ Mother ]|Our kitchen is light-years behind.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Clattering Continues ]
- Where are we ?|- I don't know.
- Well, look at the map.|- It's not on the map.
- Is he coming after us ?|- I think we gave him the slip.
[ All Screaming ]
It's him !|Run for it !
- Which way ?|- This way. Careful.
[ All Shouting ]
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
We can explain everything, sir.
It's not as bad as it looks.
We just borrowed the map.
Sort of got rather happy|about it, and, uh...
ran off in high spirits.
Yeah, we did.
Who are you ?
That's not him.
It didn't sound|like him, did it ?
It doesn't even|look like him.
- It isn't him.|- Let's get him !
[ All Shouting ]
Strutter, get his torch.|Shine it right in the face.
His face, dummy !
[ Strutter ]|It's a kid !
Og, Fidgit,|check the door.
All clear.
Strutter, the light.
Just tell us how we get out of here,|keep quiet and you won't get hurt.
Wh-Why don't you get out|the way you came ?
Don't try and be smart|with me, you little creep.
Yeah.
If you want to play it smart,|I'll introduce you to Vermin.
He eats anything,|you know.
I'm not trying to be smart.|I'm just trying to help.
- You know, don't you ?|- I don't know anything.
You know, and you're|not going to tell us.
- I'm getting angry,|and Vermin's getting hungry.|- I don't know !
- He's found it !|- What ?
- The way out.|- It's never done that before.
Come on, you lot, push !
[ Men Grunting ]
Oh, no !|Not like that !
Wait for me to give|the order, all right ?
Ready ? One--
[ Men Grunting ]
Stop ! Stop !|You never start on one.
Who ever heard of anybody|starting anything on one ?
- What is it then, two or three ?|- Three.
- [ Men Grunting ]|- And push !
- It's him !|- He's found us !
Help us ! Please !|Help us !
- Come on !|- Who is that ?
Return what you|have stolen from me !
Return !|Return the map !
It will bring you|great danger !
Stop ! Now !
[ All Screaming ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
[ Groaning, Shouting ]
- Where are we ?|- I'm stuck !
Quick ! The barn !
Get under here.|Hold him, Strutter.
[ Kevin Whimpering ]
Shut up !
All clear. Wally ?
Yeah.
- Strutter ?|- Yeah.
- Move it. Go.|- Okay.
- Fidgit ?|- Yeah.
Where are we ?|What happened to my bedroom ?
Who was that man ?
That was no man.|That was the Supreme Being.
You mean God ?
We don't know him that well.|We only work for Him.
Shut up !|Now, are we all here ?
- What ?|- Og, are you here ?
- Yeah, he's here.|- Vermin ?
[ Chickens Clucking ]
Vermin, will you stop eating !
It's too dangerous to stay here.|He's probably still after us.
So we better keep moving.|Hey, where are you going ?
- Hey, where are you going ?|- Get him ! He'll give us away.
[ All Shouting ]
Help ! Help !
[ Horses Neighing ]
[ Men Shouting ln French ]
Farmers !
[ Man Shouts ]|Look what you've done, boy.
Sorry.|What town is that ?
Castiglione, or what|Napoleon's left of it.
- Napoleon ?|- Yes. It's his city now.
Come on, boy.|You come with us.
No, thanks.
Come with us|if you know what's good for you.
You're going the wrong way.
Napoleon ?
- Get down !|- You nearly got us caught !
You silly fool.|You could've ruined everything.
- Do you know where we are ?|- Shut up. Of course I do.
1796.|Battle of Castiglione.
See ?
Are you sure we're not|in somebody's bedroom ?
Look, do you want to be|leader of this gang ?
- We agreed no leader.|- Right. So shut up and do as I say.
Now, we've got to get|into the city.
We can't.|The roads are too dangerous.
I've got an idea.|We can use the river.
Come on !
[ Explosion ]
[ Man Shouting ]
Aaaah !
[ Explosion ]
[ Horse Neighing ]
What are we|going to do here ?
- A robbery.|- Shhh.
- A robbery ?|- Of course.
We're international|criminals. We do robberies.
[ Randall ]|Shut up back there.
[ Townspeople Screaming ]
Aim ! Fire !
[ Explosions Continue ]
Take aim ! Fire !
[ Man Laughing ]
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ lndistinct Noises ]
That's him.
You're not gonna rob him ?
Yeah. Every single|penny he's got.
- But that's Napoleon.|- And he's rich.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Monsieur Commander...
I think that the mayor of|Castiglione and his council...
would like very much|to surrender now, please.
Look at that !|Look at the little fellow !
[ Napoleon Laughing ]
With the city, we have the whole area|of western Lombardy at our feet.
Oh, go away !
I never should've|married you !
- [ Whimpering ]|- Oh, stop it !
[ Laughing ]|Yes ! Yes !
Mon Commander,|they are very keen to surrender.
They have been here|eight hours.
Don't stand so close|to me, Neguy !
I've told you|about that before.
You on one side|and him on the other--
It's like being on the bottom|of a bloody well !
Just because|you think I'm small.
No, Commander, you are|not small at all.
No, not by any means.|Five-foot-one is not small.
Yeah, five-foot-one|and conqueror of ltaly.
- Not bad, huh ?|- Very, very good.
[ Puppets Chattering,|Gunshot ]
- Oh ! Oh ! Oh !|- What just happened ?
Where'd they-- I just--
[ Puppeteer Groaning ]
[ Puppeteer Gasps ]
Bravo !
[ Napoleon ]|More ! I want more !
- I-- Thank you. Thank you very much.|- Encore !
I wonder if you would like|to see some of our other items.
We have Zuzu and Benny.
## [ Fanfare ]
Fun on a unicycle.
No ?
How about|the Great Rumbozo ?
He sing|and lift heavy things.
No. How about, uh--
Come on.
[ Laughs ]|This I think you'll like.
It's very funny.
The Three ldiots...
uh, from Latvia.
It's a very funny act.|They swallow brushes.
No, no !|They're all freaks !
Not one of them|under five-foot-six.
What kind of theater|are you running, huh ?
I'm sorry, sir, but--
No, no.|More of the funny show,
the little puppets|hitting each other.
That's what I like !|Little things hitting each other !
[ Cannon Blasts ]
[ Whimpers, Groans ]
[ Quiet Chattering ]
Come on.
Psst.
- Huh ?|- Play something like this.
Tsk. Hmm.
# Like the wallpaper|sticks to the wall #
# Like the seashore|sticks to the sea #
# Like you never|get rid of your shadow #
# Boy, you didn't|get rid of me #
# Me #
# And my shadow #
# Strolling down the avenue #
# Avenue, avenue, avenue #
# Me #
# And my shadow #
- # Not a soul to tell our troubles to #|- Please let go !
- # We stick together like glue #|- [ Muttering ]
# And when it's 12:00 #
# We climb the stair #
# We never, never knock #
# 'Cause nobody's there-- #
[ Grunting, Shouting ]
# Me and my shadow #
[ Shouting Continues ]
# Feeling blue ##
[ Quarreling ]
Well, what do you think ?
[ Quarreling Continues ]
Marvelous show.
Young man, you stick with these boys,|you have a great future.
[ Laughing ]
You know, you are|the best thing...
to happen to me|since this whole campaign.
You know, I come|to conquer ltaly...
because I thought they|were all small, you know ?
I heard they was|really tiny guys.
Sir, I really think there|are more important things--
Shut up !
Don't you dare to tell me|my business.
You are dismissed, you hear ?|You, Lucien, the rest of you.
Great streaks of misery.
- But sir--|- No !
I'm going to have|some new generals for a bit.
[ Napoleon ]|Alexander the Great...
five feet exactly.
Isn't that incredible ?
Alexander the Great, whose empire|stretched from lndia to Hungary--
One inch shorter than me.|[ Laughs ]
[ Polite Laughter ]
[ Clock Chimes ]
Oliver Cromwell...
the only man with any guts|in British history--
Not a big man at all.
[ Dog Barking ]
Louis IV, 5' 21/2".
[ Laughing ]|Charlemagne...
a dumpy little five-footer.
- [ Snoring ]|- Squatty little chap.
Attila the Hun, 5' 11/2".
Cyrano de Bergerac,|5' 31/2".
Tamburlaine the Great,|four-foot-nine...
and three quarters.
[ Drops Glass ]
Wasn't he interesting ?
Strutter, wake up.|Wake up.
According to this map, there's a time|hole outside. See if you can find it.
- Right.|- The rest of you, the hole|disappears at 12:00, right ?
So let's get moving.
Vermin, Fidgit,|the tapestry.
Hey, that's 16th century !|It's nice, isn't it ?
Get it !
Okay.
[ Shouting ]
We're rich !|We're rich !
Ten-hut !
[ Snoring ]
[ Laughing ]
- Come on. We've got 30 seconds left.|- You found the time hole ?
- Yes.|- Let's go.
[ Snoring Continues ]
- [ Laughing ]|- Come on, Kevin.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Clock Chiming ]
Ten-hut !
About turn !
[ Clock Chiming ]
- [ Guard ] Stop !|- Go !
Thieves !|After them !
- Follow them !|- [ All Shouting ]
[ Groaning ]
Oh, Sir Vincent,|you came for me !
Oh, Good Mistress Pansy,|I could not have ridden faster.
Four horses have I exhausted|this day from Nottingham.
Oh, the way you leapt to my chamber,|so full of... manliness.
I could scarce restrain|the rushing of my feet.
These 12 long years have been|like chains that bound me.
Oh. And the personal|problem ?
- Much, much better.|- Ohhh.
And now we will ride full tilt to Dover,|and there embark for France.
Oh, you don't have|to wear the special--
No, no, I don't have to wear|the special-- anymore.
Oh, Pansy.|No more worries now, Pansy.
- Oh.|- Oh.
- No. No.|- [ Whistling Noise ]
[ Shouting, Muttering ]
- [ Pansy Screaming ]|- [ Horses Neighing ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
- Hey !|- [ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing Continues ]
- Quick ! Quick !|- [ Randall ] We did it !
- Your problem, Vincent.|- Forget the problem. Get me the money.
- We did it ! We did it !|- [ All Laughing ]
I told you. You stick with me,|and you won't go far wrong.
Sometimes I almost|believe you, Randall.
- Hey, where are we ?|- Where are we ?
Why, it's obvious.|We're, um--
[ Pansy ] Vincent, don't|worry about a thing.
[ Vincent ]|I'm not worrying.
- Exactly--|- In the Middle Ages.
Hmm... in|the Middle Ages.
Five-hundred years before the man|we just robbed was even born.
- Fantastic !|- Try that one in a court of law.
Vermin, that is not|meant to be eaten.
You never know|until you've eaten it.
Is it always like this|when you've done a raid ?
I don't know.|We've never done one before.
But I thought you were|international criminals.
Going to be.|Going to be.
Yeah, going to be.|Aren't we ? Going to be ?
Especially now|that we've got you, Kevin.
Hang on. He's just a kid.|He's not one of us.
He knows an awful lot.
Yeah, and he's bigger|than any of us.
- Do you really want to join us ?|- Can we really go anywhere ?
You name it.|If it's down here.
[ Laughing, Cheering ]
I don't understand.|What's so special about that map ?
This map used to belong|to the Supreme Being.
- You stole it ?|- No. Well, sort of.
He used to be our employer.|He made all the big stuff,
Iike good and evil,|men and women, night and day.
And when He did trees and shrubs,|we helped make all this.
Whew, that's not bad.
Yeah, and did we get a thimble|full of credit for it ?
No, all we got was the sack,|just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.
- Pink Bunkadoo ?|- Yeah. Beautiful tree that was.
- Og designed it, didn't you ? Yeah.|- [ Muttering ]
Six-hundred feet high,|bright red and smelled terrible.
As a disciplinary measure, we were|sent down to the repairs department.
- [ Chattering Continues ]|- What ?
You see, to be quite frank, the fabric|of the universe is far from perfect.
It was a bit of a botched job.|We only had seven days to make it.
And that's where this comes in.|This is the only map of all the holes.
Well, why repair them ?|Why not use them to get stinkin' rich ?
Yeah, stinkin' rich !
- [ Laughs ]|- Lads, here's to stinkin' rich !
Stinkin' rich.|Stinkin' rich.
- And to Kevin !|- Yeah, Kevin !
- Here's to Kevin !|- Stinkin' Kevin !
Hey, hold it there.
- [ Chattering ]|- Smile.
- Hey, the map.|- Yeah, the map. Don't forget the map.
[ Kevin ]|Hey, come on ! Smile !
[ Pansy ]|Help ! Robbers !
- Hey, that's us !|- Someone's in trouble. Come on !
[ Randall ]|Grab the loot.
[ Pansy Continues Screaming ]
- [ Robbers Shouting ]|- It's a bit tight.
[ Robbers Laughing ]
- Now, those are our sort of people.|- Yeah !
[ Shouting,|Laughing Continue ]
Vincent ! Oh !|Oh, dear !
- [ Pansy ] Help !|- Come on.
Oh, Vincent,|someone's coming.
- [ Whimpering ]|- Help ! Help I say !
Oh, at last.|Oh, I say !
I say, my fiance and I would appreciate|a bit of assistance.
- Oh, no ! The problem, Pansy !|- Oh ! Oh !
- It's started again ! Oh ! Oh !|- Oh, don't worry, darling.
- I say !|- I must have fruit !
[ Wolf Howling ]
- Where are we ?|- We've lost them.
Come on.|Don't be so wet.
[ All Yelling ]
- [ Muttering ]|- [ Kevin ] Hey !
What do we do now,|Randall ?
Just leave this to me, Wally.|We've just got to treat them right.
What do you want,|you tatty-faced old scumbag ?
- What's your business, gob face ?|- We're robbers !
- Villainous robbers ?|- The worst.
- Stop at nothing ?|- Nothing at all.
- Steal a cup outta a beggar's hands ?|- Rather.
- The teeth from blind old ladies ?|- Of course.
- Toys from children ?|- Whenever we can.
[ Both Growling ]
Right.|Let 'em down !
They always crack|in the end.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Wow.
Listen, I've got a few ideas|for, uh, a linkup...
between your gang|and our gang,
but I only want|to talk to the boss.
The boss ?
- The boss ?|- That's right.
They serious ?
Ohhh.
[ Men Shouting, Cheering ]
[ Bones Crunching ]
All right ! Do it !
[ Laughs ]|Anyone else wanna go ?
Come on, you weasels.
What's this ?
Lose yourself, leprechaun.|[ Laughing ]
[ Spitballs Clinking ]
Move yourself, lad.
[ Chattering, Laughter ]
[ Ding ]
- That's disgusting !|- Wait here ! I'll get him !
[ Flies Buzzing ]
Hello. I-I'm Hood.
- It's Robin Hood.|- Yeah.
- [ Shouts ]|- Say good morning, you scum.
Good morning, scum.
- Good morning.|You're all robbers, then ?|- The best, Mr. Hood.
Jolly good.|And you're a robber, are you ?
Jolly good.
And do you enjoy|robbing, then ?
Well, it helps|pay the rent, sir.
[ Laughing ]
Jolly good.
And you're a robber too ?|How long have you been a robber ?
- Four-foot-one.|- Good Lord !
- Jolly good. Four-foot-one ?|- Yes.
Well, th-th-th-that is|a long time, isn't it ?
Well now, I hear you've made|a pretty good haul.
Well, see for yourself, sir.
Gosh ! I say !
Crikey ! I mean,|I've been in robbing for years,
but I've never seen|anything like this.
Crumbs ! And you acquired|all of this by yourselves ?
Well, it was a good day,|Mr. Hood.
- Jolly good day !|- It's nice, isn't it ?
Rather ! Well, I mean,|what can I say ? Thank you.
Thank you all|very, very much indeed.
Oh, don't ment-- What ?
Well, I mean,|it's frightfully kind of you.
The poor are going to be|absolutely thrilled.
- Have you met them ?|- Who ? The poor ?
Oh, you must meet them.|I just know you'll like them.
Of course, they haven't|got two pennies to rub together.
- But that's because they're poor.|- [ All Laughing ]
Uh, Marion, would you be so kind|as to ask the poor to come in, please ?
- No problem.|- Thank you so much.
- Right. Come on, you lot.|- Let's just see what we've got.
This is going to be|so much help in our work.
No, you don't understand.|All this stuff is ours. We stole it.
Oh, yes, I know, and believe you me the|poor are going to be not just thrilled,
but also considerably less poor,|aren't they, Redgrave ?
- [ Gibberish ]|- You see ? What did he say ?
- He said, "Yeah, what with|Christmas coming up and all."|- Ah, jolly good.
Yes, well, there we are.|Congratulations. Well done.
[ Laughter ]
There we are. Well done.|Congratulations.
[ Laughing, Cheering ]
Is that-- Is that|absolutely necessary ?
- [ Gibberish ]|- What did he say ?
- He says, yeah, he's afraid it is.|- Ah, fine. Fine.
There we are, madam.|Congratulations.
- Congratulations. Jolly good.|- Thank you.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Incidentally, would any of you like|to stay on and help us with our work ?
There's still so much wealth|to redistribute.
Oh, I'd like to stay.
Jolly good.|What's your name ?
- Uh, Ke--|- Ke-- What a jolly nice name.
- Let me go.|- Well, never mind.
- Cheerio. Thank you very much.|- [ Kevin Struggling ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very,|very, very much.
Awful people.
- This can't wait !|- I'll never get a chance|to meet Robin Hood again.
- Any chance of a rescue ?|- Stop moaning !
He's obviously a dangerous man.|Unbalanced, if you ask me.
Giving away|what isn't even his !
That's what Robin Hood|always did. Even I know that.
- Oh, of course. You know it all.|- He was one of my heroes.
Heroes ! Heroes !|What do they know about a day's work ?
- Leave him alone, Randall !|- Well, it makes me sick.
Anyone who's always right|makes me sick.
- That's why you get on with yourself !|- Watch it !
- Big mouth !|- Horseflesh wouldn't|have got us into this.
- Horseflesh is dead.|- Then give me the map.|I'm taking over !
Get off me ! Get--|[ Arguing Continues ]
[ Thunderclap ]
So... these are|the sort of people...
the Supreme Being|allows to steal His map ?
Look at them.|Stunted little proles.
I wouldn't entrust them|to wipe their own noses.
Oh, no, sir. It's much|too difficult for them.
What sort of supreme being|created such riffraff ?
Is it not the workings|of a complete incompetent ?
But He created you,|Evil One.
What did you say ?
Well, He created you,|so He can't be totally--
Never talk to me|like that again !
No one created me !|I am Evil !
Evil existed|long before good.
I made myself.|I cannot be unmade.
I am all-powerful !
Yeah.
But why,|if that's the case,
are you unable to escape|from this fortress ?
That's a good question.
Why have I let the Supreme Being|keep me here...
in the Fortress|of Ultimate Darkness ?
- Because you--|- Oh, shut up.|I'm speaking rhetorically.
- Of course.|- I let Him keep me here...
in order to lull Him|into a false sense of security.
Ah, clever, clever.
When I have the map,|I will be free...
and the world will be different|because I have understanding.
- Uh, understanding of what, master ?|- Of digital watches.
Soon I shall have understanding of video|cassette recorders and car telephones.
And when I have understanding of them,|I shall have understanding of computers.
And when I have understanding of|computers, I shall be the Supreme Being.
God isn't interested|in technology.
He knows nothing of the potential of the|micro-chip or the silicon revolution.
Look how He spends His time.|Forty-three species of parrots !
- Nipples for men !|- Slugs.
Slugs ! He created slugs.
They can't hear. They can't speak.|They can't operate machinery.
Are we not in the hands|of a lunatic ?
Sir... Iook !
If I were creating a world,|I wouldn't mess about|with butterflies and daffodils.
I would have started|with lasers, 8:00 day one.
- [ Assistant Gasps ]|- Sorry.
I just can't wait for a new tech--|techno-- technological dawn.
Sir... Iook !
What is it, Benson ?
The map, sir. The map !|They've brought it with them !
- What ?|- I saw the map, master, just now.
- Are you sure ?|- I'm sure, master.
Down there !|The little one has it.
The little one ?
This is our chance.|This is what we've been waiting for !
- It will set us free.|- Shut up !
If you're wrong, Benson,|my revenge will be slow and unpleasant.
I will turn you inside out|over a very long period of time.
Oh, thank you, master.|Thank you.
Now we must bait the hook,|see if they bite...
and pull them in.
Stand by for mind control.
What about Babylon ?
- Who ?|- It's a city of legendary wealth.
Ahh.
[ Voice Echoing ]|I've got a better idea.
Who said that ?
I've got an idea|forming in my head.
You haven't had an idea|for thousands of years.
There is a place where we could find|the greatest thing man could want,
the goal of everybody's|hopes and dreams.
What the hell|are you talking about ?
The most fabulous|object in the world.
- That sounds like a good idea.|- Yeah.
They're hooked,|the greedy little fish.
- [ Kevin ] Why do you always|have to go after money ?|- Who's this ?
I don't know, master.|I haven't seen him before.
He's stronger than the rest.|Who is he ?
- I don't know.|- I'm losing them.
Something's going on down there.|We've lost them !
Randall, look, over there !
- We'd better move !|- [ Randall ] Don't rush me.
The forest !|It's on fire !
It's raining,|pudding head !
- Oh, no !|- What is it ?
- It's Him !|- It's Him !
Return the map.
- Make for the hole !|- Where is it ?
It's over there.|Quick ! Come on !
- Stop ! Return !|- Hurry up !
Return what you|have stolen from me.
Return the map !
There are two holes, Randall.|Which one ? Which one ?
Go, Kevin !|Just get away !
Go ! Not that one !
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Growling, Groaning ]
[ Groaning Continues ]
[ Horse Neighs ]
[ Growls, Groaning ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Growling Continues ]
[ Growling Continues ]
[ Kevin Screaming ]
[ Kevin Gasps, Coughs ]
[ Shrieking ]
[ Kevin Screams ]
Where did you|come from ? Huh ?
I'm not quite sure.
Who sent you ?|The gods ?
Was it Zeus ?|Apollo ?
Athena ?
[ Panting, Sighing ]
Well, you're certainly a chatty|little fellow, aren't you ?
I don't believe it !
You don't believe what ?
I don't believe|the way you killed him.
Yes. But it|has to be done sometimes.
No. I mean it was|such a good shot.
I bet you've killed|lots of people.
Well, the gods must|have given you a name.
Oh, yeah. Kevin.
Kevin ?
Well, Kevin,|here, it's yours.
- What ?|- You don't want it ?
Oh, yes, please.|You mean I can really have it ?
Well, on condition that you|carry it back to the city for me.
Oh, great. But no,|I can't really.
I must wait. You see,|I'm with friends.
You see, if I lose them,|I may never be able to get back.
- [ Horse Whinnies ]|- Get back ? To where ?
I'm not really sure.
Here, you better take this.|You'll need it. It's water.
There's enough there for your friends,|too, if they ever turn up.
[ Horse Whinnies ]
Oh, and by the way,|thank you.
No. Please.|I'd like to come, really.
No, no, please.|I'd like to come.
[ Men Grunting ]
Better ? No.
## [ Whistling ]
[ Blows Horn ]
[ Blows Horn ]
- [ Blows Horn ]|- [ Horse Neighs ]
[ Children Shouting ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
You saved my life.|Remember ?
The enemy of the people|is dead !
[ Cheering ]
Hail King Agamemnon !
[ Kevin ] There's a man being|cut in half here.
It must have been a brilliant battle.|Choo ! Choo !
All three are to receive|summary executions today.
If the queen wishes to see me,|I'll be in the courts all afternoon.
Remind the queen that|I still rule this city.
I wish I'd been|in the Trojan Wars.
Will you teach me|how to sword fight ?
Come here. I'll teach you|something much more useful.
- Where is it ?|- There.
That one.
Kings aren't supposed|to do things like that.
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
[ Clicking Continues ]
[ Crowd Chattering ]
You know, I never, ever|want to go back.
Don't you want to see|all your friends again ?
No, thanks.
To be in your own home, to be|with your own father and mother ?
No.
Very well, then.
- I can stay ?|- We'll decide that tomorrow.
[ Rooster Crows ]
[ Kevin Gasps ]
[ Horse Whinnying ]
[ Cymbals Clash ]
I have decreed that this boy|shall remain here with us in our city.
Furthermore, he shall|from this day forward be my own son...
and heir to the throne|of Mycenae.
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
Let the banquet begin.
[ Gong Chimes ]
[ Drumroll ]
[ Monkey Chittering ]
[ Laughing, Murmuring ]
[ Randall ]|And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a mastery miracle of modern|magic before your very eyes.
Abracadee, abracadoo !
- [ Laughter ]|- You're doing a great job.
If we can borrow this|for a moment, sir.
[ Randall ] Please give generously|as my assistants pass amongst you.
Thank you very much.|Thank you.
[ Chattering Continues ]
Come on. Come on.
- Now all we need is a volunteer.|Yes, young man, you'll do fine.|- No ! Please !
[ Kevin ]|No ! Leave me !
Come on !|Come on !
- No way !|- May I ? The crown ?
Don't ! Help me !
Kevin, let's get|out of here !
No ! Please, no !
Thank you.
- No ! Please !|- Watch this !
We make a great team,|don't we ?
Now !
[ Music Stops ]
[ Cheering, Applause ]
[ Steam Whistle Blows ]
- Alone, at last.|- Isn't it glorious ?
Yes. I love the ocean.
God, how I, how I love her.
- She's so, so damn--|- Wet ?
Wet. Yes. Yes.
So damn... damn... wet.
Pansy.|Pansy, look at me.
- Yes, Vincent ?|- Do you love me ?
- Of course, I love you.|- You don't mind the, the thing|on the end of my nose ?
- Oh, you mean your-- No, darling.|- Yes, my--
[ Chuckling ]|Don't be silly.
Could you share a house with|a chap who has a thing like this|on the end of his nose ?
Of course, my love.|Everyone has something odd about them.
- Why, I've got an enormous--|- Pansy !
Pansy, I'm so glad|you feel the way you do.
Because now I can ask you|what I've always wanted to ask you.
Oh, ask me.
Ask me !
Pansy, will you--
Will you--
- [ Yelling ]|- [ Gulls Wailing ]
- Where the hell are we ?|- [ Yelling, Chattering ]
Someone hit me ! Oh !
- Pansy ! Pansy !|- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming Continues ]|- Give me that !
You've ruined everything !|Pansy ! Pansy, I can explain !
It's only the thing on my nose and the|hairpiece ! Everything else is fine !
- [ Chattering ]|- ## [ Classical ]
Fidgit, you're not supposed|to eat that.
- You're supposed to drink it.|- I like that. It's very nice.
Oh.
Six more plates|of caviar, please.
Anyone else want any ?
No, none for me, thank you.|I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs.
The caviar makes me throw up,|you know.
- [ Man ] Waiter.|- Sorry, Randall. Sorry.
Cheer up, Kevin. Kings aren't|the only ones with money, you know.
The money wasn't important|to him.
He didn't have anything|to spend it on, did he ?
Stuck out in Greece-- Iowest|standard of living in Europe.
- You make me sick !|- [ All Hooting, Laughing ]
[ Chattering ]
What ?|Things are looking better all the time.
- I've got something to say to you.|- Go away !
- [ Chattering Continues ]|- It's about the map.
The map ?|I don't understand you, Randall.
You've got something|really brilliant like that,
- and you're just wasting it.|- [ Scoffs ]
I wouldn't call this exactly...|wasting it.
Why couldn't you leave me|where I was happy ?
Because when you hear|what I've got planned,
- you're gonna be a lot happier.|- [ Glass Clinks, Water Splashes ]
I was havin' a close look at the map|last night. Do you know what I found ?
Og was right.|The most fabulous object in the world.
It does exist.
Look.
- The time of legends--|- The time of legends !|There's no such thing.
But there is.|You just gotta believe in it.
Otherwise, Horseflesh|wouldn't have put it on the map.
"In the middle of the time of legends|is a fortress of ultimate darkness,
and inside the fortress|of ultimate darkness,
the most fabulous object|in the world."
Give it up, Randall.
- [ Chattering Continues ]|- Look.
- You and me-- we got a lot in common.|- [ Coughs ]
- Not like that Og.|- [ Laughing ]
We like a risk.
- We like adventure.|- [ Coughing Continues ]
Well, this is it.
This is the big one.
No namby-pamby|time holes here.
We risk all.|We win everything.
Waiter, more champagne.
Yes, sir.
And plenty of ice.
[ Crashing ]
[ Yelling, Screaming ]
[ Yelling, Screaming Continue ]
[ Wally ]|Hello !
I want to go home !|I can't stand it !
You'll get us all killed,|Randall !
Stop whimpering, Fidgit !
How could I know we were gonna|run slap-bang into an iceberg ?
It didn't say "Get off before|the iceberg" on the ticket.
Now-- Now is the time...
to star-- to start our quest for the--|for the most fabulous object, Randall.
- Og's right ! I've got the map.|- No !
- Let's go !|- What ?
Randall, we are in the middle|of the Atlantic Ocean !
It doesn't matter where we are.|You just gotta believe in it !
You're crazy !
- We must try !|- No, don't !
- Abandon plank !|- No !
I can't swim !|I can't swim !
[ Fidgit ]|Help ! Help !
- Don't worry, Fidgit ! I'm coming !|- Help !
- [ Laughing ]|- Help !
- Now we have them !|- Oh, well done. Well done, master.
[ Yelling, Whimpering ]
Suddenly, I feel...|very, very good.
- I'm sorry, master.|- It'll pass. It'll pass.
- Shall I bring them in, master ?|- Yes, Benson.
- Bring them into the time of legends.|- [ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
Hey !|Hey, I can swim !
Look.
Look !
[ Snoring ]
[ Grunting ]
Morning, dear.
[ Growling ]
- [ Back Cracking ]|- Ooh !
- [ Dwarves, Kevin Screaming ] Help !|- Who's that ?
- What, dear ?|- Thought I heard a noise.
No. It's your nerves, dear.
Here we are, darling.
[ Groaning ]
Come on.
- [ Grunting ]|- And the ointment for the leg.
I grew too fast|when I was young.
- That was the problem.|- You've been overdoing it a bit, dear.
You try being beastly and terrifying|when you-- [ Gasping ]
you can only get one hour's sleep|a night because your back hurts,
and you daren't cough|in case you pull a muscle.
But you are horrible, dear.
You're just sayin' that.
[ Giggling ]|And gargle.
- [ Groaning ]|- Come on, now. There's a good fellow.
[ Growls ]
[ Roaring, Gargling ]
- What's that ?|- I don't know.
- [ Gasping, Panting ]|- Wait for me !
Look at these bloody spots.
That's diet, that is.
- You'll outgrow them, dear.|- Look at all this bloody fish !
[ Grunting ] There used to be|a time when you could be sure...
of catchin'|old boots, cans,
hatracks, boxes.
Now it's prawns|all the bloody time !
Anti-pollution ! Wife !
What d'you want, dear?|Do you want the foot powder ?
No ! Come out here|and help me !
- Quick !|- Dear.
- What's in there ?|- I don't know, but it's not prawns.
- [ Grunting, Groaning ]|- Here.
Here, dear.|Leave that to me, please.
- Yeah.|- [ Yells ]
Aren't they lovely ?|We can have them for breakfast.
Ah, you mean|eat their boots ?
No, dear.|I mean, eat all of them.
Every little bit.
That means the big pot|and the large skewers.
- [ Whimpering, Grunting ]|- What shall I do, dear ?
Terrify them.
Oh, but what about me back ?
Well, you don't have|to jump around.
Just shout horribly...
and leer at them.
You know,|the way you used to.
- [ Giggling ]|- Right.
Right.|[ Laughing ]
Oh, I'm so happy|'cause I'm bus-bus-bus-busy.
Right.|[ Clears Throat ]
- [ Roaring ]|- [ Dwarves Screaming ]
- Go away !|- [ Whimpering ]
[ Laughing, Roaring ]
[ Roaring, Screaming Continue ]
Let's see.|What have we here ?
Some tasty|little morsels, eh ?
- [ Laughing, Roaring ]|- Help ! Get off !
- Hey ! Put me down ! Put me down !|- [ Back Cracking ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Grunting ]|Put me down !
- [ Splashing ]|- [ Roaring Continues ]
# Yes, it's wonderful|to be making a fondue again #
- [ Growling ]|- [ Screaming ]
- Be quiet !|- [ Back Cracking ]
[ Growling, Groaning Continue ]
D-D-Does your back hurt ?
- Huh ?|- I know a cure for bad backs.
Bad back ?|Me ? An ogre ?
- [ Laughs, Roars ]|- [ Cracking Continues ]
- W-What you need i-is stretching.|- Stretching ?
# To be melting the cheese|in the southerly breeze #
# To be sharpening|the skewer again #
- Heave !|- [ Screaming ]
That's better !
That's better !|That's wonderful !
[ Laughing ]|Heave again !
- [ Ogre Yelling ]|- Are they in the pot, dear ?
Yeah. Just about.
And one more for luck.|Heave !
- Two, three, left, right, left, right !|- Hey, what's going on ?
- Left, right !|- [ Yelling ]
[ All Yelling ]
- [ Laughing, Cheering ]|- Are you all right, dear ?
- Oh ! Quick ! Into the pot !|- Yeah !
Winston ?
Winston !
[ Knife Clattering ]
[ Door Creaking ]
Is this part of the cure ?
[ Laughing ]
- Winston.|- [ Winston Splashing, Laughing ]
What are you doing|in the water, dear ?
- [ Screaming ]|- [ Laughing Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my back is wonderful !|[ Laughing ]
- You've got to stop them, Winston !|- [ Grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
I can cough !
At last,|I can really cough !
[ lnhales, Roars ]
[ Roaring Continues ]
- Look out !|- We're going ! We're saved !
- Yes ! To that side ! Quick !|- We're saved !
Catch all ! Come on !
[ Chattering Continues ]
- Hold on !|- Hold on tight, Wally !
How're we doing now, Randall ?
Just fine.
We're on the right course.
As long as this wind keeps up,|nothing can go wrong.
- [ Masts Creaking ]|- [ Splashing ]
- Keep the rudder straight, Strutter.|- It is straight !
All hands on the tiller !
- Quick ! Drop the sail !|- All right ! Leave it to me !
[ Creaking Continues ]
One !
[ Dwarf ]|How about it ? Eh ?
- I got it.|- [ Sighs ]
- That's it.|- That's better. We're out of that.
[ Sighing ]
[ Creaking ]
Randall ! Randall ?
I think there's something|that you should know.
Everybody below decks !
[ Whimpers ]
- Come on ! Get in here !|- Quick ! Get in !
[ Baby Crying ]
[ Man And Woman Arguing|ln Gibberish ]
[ Grumbling ]
- What's going on ?|- You tell me.
[ Waves Splashing ]
[ Grumbling, Crying Continue ]
[ Arguing Continues ]
[ Arguing Continues ]
[ Yells ]
Pull these boards out !
- You might sink the ship !|- Oh, shut up !
- Here's a hammer !|- That's it !
That's it ! Now !
- Do it again !|- Harder ! Really hard !
[ Kevin ]|Oh, stop him !
[ Chattering, Grunting ]
Drugs ! Hey !|I've got an idea !
Sleeping potion !
Strutter, take this !
Take the plug out !
Here !
Hey. Yeah !
- Hey.|- Yeah.
- Do it !|- And, heave !
- [ Grunts ]|- Squeeze ! Squeeze !
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
[ Yawning ]
[ Groaning ]
Hey ! Oh !
[ Groaning Continues ]
Come on ! Come !
[ Snoring ]
[ Creaking ]
Hey, what's out there ?
[ Snoring Continues ]
[ Snoring Loudly ]
Shh ! Shh ! Shh !
- Come on. Let's go. Run ! Run !|- Quick !
The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness|is somewhere over there, I promise you !
Oh, you're joking, Randall.|There's nothing over there !
- Look ! We're so close !|- [ Laughing ]
Y-You've been saying that|for the last 40 miles !
Let's go back !|We'll all die out here !
- Yeah !|- You can't give up now.
- When can we give up ?|- Come on. It's just a big further--
What is it ?
I don't know,|but it hurts.
It's some kind|of invisible barrier.
Oh ! So that's what|an invisible barrier looks like.
It's what this line|must be.
And just on the other side,
the Fortress|of Ultimate Darkness.
We've made it, lads !|We're here !
You're mad, Randall !
Your brain's gone.|Do you know that ?
I promise you,|this is it !
We are here !
- We're nowhere, Randall !|- Yeah !
- Look around ! There's nothing !|- Yeah.
There's only one way|to go now.
- That's right. Back ! Come on.|- Right !
- Come on. We're going back.|- No ! Listen !
- No ! Stop ! Stop !|- No, you don't ! Get out of the way !
- Listen to me !|- Get out of the way !
You'll never get back|without me.
Do you wanna bet ?
- Wally, give that back.|- Get out of the way, Randall.
You give that back,|or I'll take your head off.
Randall ! Don't do it !
We have found it !
Thank you.
Brilliant, Evil One.
- Is everything ready ?|- Yes, master.
Fantastic.
Amazing.
Magnificent.
[ Chattering, Gasping ]
[ Wally ]|Look.
- [ Chains Clinking ]|- [ Crashing ]
[ Whimpering ]
- Move !|- Get out of the road !
[ Thunderclap ]
Yes, folks. Moderno Designs present|the latest in kitchen luxury:
The Moderna Wonder Major|All-Automatic Convenience Center-ette.
And here they are-- the winners of|the most fabulous object in the world.
The answer to all their|problems and yours...
is here for them tonight !
- Chattering ]|- Hey !
- Don't go ! Where are you going ?|- We found it !
Wait ! You're mad !
- [ Laughing ]|- Come back !
[ Chattering Continues ]
- Let's go get it !|- Come on !
Here they come !|So let's give 'em|a big welcome !
Trevor, Diane--|Oh, don't they look lovely !
- [ Applause ]|- Mom !
Dad !
Come on. Lead us in a big hand|for the lucky winners !
- [ Applause Continues ]|- [ Chattering Continues ]
[ Kevin ]|Come back !
- It's a trap !|- Fabulous.
Fabulous.
Here they are.|Congratulations.
But before they collect their|prize, let's just have a look|at what made it possible...
for them to be here|with us tonight.
The map, please.
[ Gasping ]
- [ Thunderbolt ]|- [ Laughing ]
[ All Screaming ]
[ Shouting ]
- Let us out !|- [ Laughing Continues ]
[ Wally ]|Let us out ! Come back !
I have the map !|I have the map !
And the day after tomorrow,
- the world !|- [ Thunderbolt ]
Oh, no !
- [ Screams ]|- [ Shrieking ]
[ Squeaking ]
- [ Squeaking Continues ]|- [ Crunches ]
Rat, anybody ?|Might be the last meal you get.
No. Leave off !
- That's it, then.|- It's all over.
We could've stayed at home|making trees.
- Oh, shut up.|- How could we have been so stupid ?
I don't know.
[ Gasps ]
Hey ! Look, look !|Quick ! Come on ! Look !
Look at this.|Quickly !
- Look !|- Good one of Wally.
No ! Look !
It's the map !
I can see it's the map.|What use is that to us now ?
Look, closer.|The time of legends, see ?
See the Fortress|of Ultimate Darkness ?
- That's a hole ?|- Exactly !
- It could lead almost anywhere.|- Everywhere !
- What ?|- We just found the biggest|hole in the universe,
and it's practically below|our feet !
Kevin, you're a genius !
- Come on, you lot ! Shift !|- We'll never get out of here !
Wanna bet ?
No !
That's right, Og. Show 'em we can do|something right for a change.
That's it.
Let's have that.
Give us some more.
That's enough, Wally !
Okay, Strutter.
- Have you got the rope ?|- Hold on !
[ Grunting ]|Right.
Hold tight !|Keep straight !
- Watch your feet. Watch your feet.|- Easy.
[ Grunting ]|Hold it.
Steady. Watch it.|Watch it.
Hold your fingers.
[ Muttering ]
He's going !
- It's coming.|- Go now.
Ready ? And--
[ Wally ]|Again ! Again !
[ Cheering ]
- Ready, Wally !|- Okay, Strutter.
Here we go !|Geronimo !
Yeah !
Okay ! Go, Strutter !
[ Cheering ]
- [ Randall ] Strutter !|- Hey ! We've made it !
Okay, Wally.
[ Grunting ]
Take up the slack.
- Quick, Wally.|- [ All Chattering ]
- Go !|- [ Whimpering ]
[ Whimpering Continues ]|Come on !
Go, Vermin !
- Go, Fidgit !|- I don't wanna go ! I don't wanna go !
- I'm going !|- Go !
- [ Chattering ]|- Come on !
- Wally !|- Come on, Wally !
Right, lads !|Watch this !
[ Grunts ]
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Rope Creaking ]
[ Yelling ]
- Wally !|- [ Crashing ]
Pull the rope.
There he is !|[ Laughs ]
- Wally !|- Wally !
Pull him up !|That's it !
[ Cheering, Chattering ]
- Well, we've done it.|- Yeah, we've done it.
- Now all we need is the map.|- What ? [ Laughing ]
We don't need the map.|We know where the time hole is.|Let's get out of here.
- But Evil's got the map, Randall !|- Oh, damn right, yes.
Last thing we want to do|is see him again. Come on.
But you can't leave it with him,|or he'll destroy the world !
Oh, Robert, Benson,
I feel the power of evil|coursing through my veins,
filling every corner of my being|with the desire to do wrong.
- I feel so bad, Benson.|- Good ! Good !
Yes, it is good, for this is the worst|kind of badness that I'm feeling.
- Kill me, master ! Kill me !|- Not now, Benson. We have work to do.
No less a work than the overthrowing|of creation itself.
We will remake man|in our image, not His.
We will turn mountains|into sea,
and the skies into rivers,|and fjords into deserts.
- Come on ! Come on !|- And deserts into quagmires.
The boy's insane.|We can't go in there.
Shh !
Oh !
- Let me see !|- And icebergs into fire !
And the fire into a mighty|rushing wind which will cover|the face of the earth...
and wipe clean the scourge of woolly|thinking once and for all.
We can make beans|into peas !
Oh, Benson.
Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free|of the ravages of intelligence.
- You say... such nice things, master.|- Yes, I know. I'm sorry.
Now, Benson, I shall have to turn you|into a dog for a while.
Thank you, master.
[ Grunting ]
Stay, Benson.|Guard the map.
Robert, we must plan|a new world together.
This time|we'll start it properly.
Tell me about computers.
Uh, a computer|is an automatic electronic apparatus...
for making calculations.
[ Robert ]|Or controlling operations...
- [ Creaking ]|- that are expressible...
in numerical|or logical terms.
[ Evil ]|And fast breeder reactors ?
[ Robert ]|Ah, fast breeder reactors...
use a fast fission process...
for the generation|of fissile isotopes.
[ Growling ]
[ Growling Continues ]
- Be quiet, Benson !|- [ Growling, Whimpering ]
Show me more, Robert.
Show me--
Show me...|subscriber trunk dialing.
I must know everything.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Whimpering, Barking ]
Come on ! Throw !
Throw it !
[ Scuffling ]
Stop !
Come on ! Oh, no!
- [ Squealing ]|- Let's get out of here !
- [ Grunting ]|- Come on !
Stop them by every means|in my power !
- [ Thunderclaps ]|- [ Shrieking ]
[ Shrieking Continues ]
It's coming this way !|Run for it !
I'm coming !|I'm coming !
We're trapped.
- We've got to separate.|- What ?
Go down the time hole.|Go wherever you can and get help.
- I'll divert them.|- But you can't do it on your own.
No. I'll take one other.
- Well done, Og.|- [ Snorts ]
Yes. Og and me'll stay.|Ready ?
- Hey ! Hey ! This way !|- [ Shrieking Continues ]
- [ Snorting ]|- [ Gasps ]
[ Shrieking ]
You are a very troublesome|little fellow.
I think I should teach you|one of my special lessons.
What do you think, Robert ?
[ Evil ]|Benson, what would look nice ?
Half donkey ?
Half warthog ?|Half oyster ?
Half carrot ?
- Or the diseased left tonsil--|- [ Shrieking Continues ]
Call off those, those creatures,|or I'll destroy the map forever.
- Don't, don't be so stupid.|- Call them off !
Very well.|I have no need of them.
- Robert.|- Yes, master ?
Your time has come.
[ Gasps ]|Oh, wonderful, master ! Wonderful !
- Wonderful !|- Don't mention it.
Benson.
[ Yelling ]
I'm a reasonable man.
Give me the map,
and you might at least walk out|of here on human feet.
- [ Snorts ]|- Og !
No !
[ Squealing ]
- No !|- [ Laughing ]
No !
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Snorting ]
[ Horses Whinnying ]
This way, men.|Over there.
- Wally !|- [ Gunshots ]
[ Whinnying ]
[ Cheering, Hooting ]
- Where's the trouble, sonny ?|- Down there !
[ Cowboy ]|Aha !
So... this is the best...
the Supreme Being can do.|[ Scoffs ]
I guess we'll have|a lynchin', eh ? Yippee !
[ Gunshots, Cheering ]
- Wait !|- [ Gunshots, Hooting Continue ]
Got him !
- [ Whinnying ]|See, sonny ? No problem.
[ Yelling ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
Wait a minute !|Wait !
Wait a minute !|Oh ! Oh ! Hey !
Hold on ! Hey ! Hey !
- Let me go !|- I don't feel so good !
## [ Carnival ]
[ Screaming ]
Fire !
[ Laughing ]
[ Hissing ]
- [ Grunting ]|- Look out !
[ Screaming ]
Charge !
[ Tires Screeching, Crashing ]
[ Whinnying ]
Strutter ! Quick !
Strutter !
Next !
Get him !
Randall, go !
Go !
- I can't control it !|- Of course you can't, you silly man.
I control them !
[ Randall ]|Hurry ! Help me !
[ Yelling Continues ]
[ Wally ]|Get me down !
Stay where you are !|Something's happening !
[ Whimpering ]
Get out of the way, Fidgit !
Get out of the way !
[ Screaming ]
- Fidgit !|- Hey ! Hey, Fidgit !
Fidgit !
Quick ! Push it off him !|Push it off. Quick.
- He's dead.|- What ?
Fidgit's dead.
[ Whimpering ]|Oh, no. I'm sorry.
- It wasn't your fault, Wally.|- It was, it was his fault.
- Get down, Wally !|- Get down !
- Wally ! Get down, Wally !|- Evil !
- [ All Shouting At Once ]|- Come on back !
Evil !|He killed my friend !
I'll kill him !|Get off me !
Get down !
- [ Shouting Continues ]|- I'll kill him !
[ Laughing ]
[ Whimpering ]
Huh ?
- Oh, no !|- He's found us !
Quick ! Ron for it !
Oh ! I hate|having to appear like that.
Really,|it's the most tiresome way.
Noisy manifestation.
Still, rather expected|of one, I suppose.
Get down ! Get down !
O Great One !|O Supreme Being !
O Creator of all the universe,
without whom we would be naught|but scarab beetles on the--
What a dreadful mess !|Is the pig with you ?
[ Snorts ]
Right.|Well, we'll sort him out first.
- [ Squealing ]|- Og !
- Og, here ! Quick ! Out of the way !|- I was enjoying that.
One thing I can't stand,|it's mess.
I want all this stuff|picked up.
[ All ] Yes, sir.|Anything you say.
- Anything you say, sir.|- Wally, tidy up !
But, but he's dead, Randall.
Fidgit, Fidgit's dead.
Dead ?|No excuse for laying off work.
- Fidgit.|- [ Whispering ] Fidgit.
- Fidgit ?|- [ Cheering ]
- What happened ?|- I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit.
He's okay !|He's okay !
Oh, do hurry up.
- Oh, yes, sir.|- Yes, sir.
I'd like to explain everything.
We didn't mean to steal the map.|We didn't mean to run away--
What do you mean, you didn't|mean to steal the map ?
- It, it just sort of--|- Of course you didn't mean to steal it.
I gave it to you.|You silly man. And that.
- Do you really think I didn't know ?|- Sir ?
I had to have some way|of testing my handiwork.
I think it turned out|rather well.
- Don't you ?|- Hmm ?
Evil turned out rather well.|Mm-hmm.
Whose are these ?
Mine, sir.
They're mine, sir.
You really are an untidy boy.
Sign... here.
Do you mean you knew|what was happening to us all the time ?
Well, of course.|I am the Supreme Being.
- I'm not entirely dim.|- Oh, no, sir.
We're not suggesting that, sir.|It's just--
That I let you borrow|my map.
Now I want every bit of Evil...
placed in here.
- Right away.|- Of course, sir.
Come on.
You mean you let all those people die,|just to test your creation ?
Yes.|You really are a clever boy.
Why did they have to die ?
You might as well say,|"Why do we have to have evil ?"
Oh, we wouldn't dream of asking|a question like that, sir.
Yes. Why do we have|to have evil ?
Ah.
- I think it's something|to do with freewill.|- [ Dwarves Grunting ]
Do be careful.
You weren't watching.
Don't lose any of that stuff.|That's concentrated evil.
One drop of that could turn|you all into hermit crabs.
I'm sorry, sir.
I, I was just wondering|if there's, um,
any chance we might|have our old jobs back, sir.
- Oh, you certainly were|appallingly bad robbers.|- Yes, sir.
I really should do something|very extrovert and vengeful with you.
Honestly, I'm too tired.
But I think I'll just transfer you|to the undergrowth department--
yes, bracken, small shrubs--|that sort of thing--
with a 19%%% cut in salary|backdated to the beginning of time.
- Thank you, sir.|- Oh, thank you, sir.
Well, I am the nice one.
Is it all ready ? Right !
Come on, then.|Back to creation.
- I mustn't waste any more time.|- Bye, Kevin.
They'll think I've lost control|again and put it all down to evolution.
- Come on.|- Sir ?
- Yes ?|- What about my friend, sir ?|Can he come with us ?
No, of course not.|This isn't a school outing.
But, sir,|he deserves something.
- I mean, without him--|- Oh, don't go on about it.
- He's got to stay here|to carry on the fight.|- Fidgit !
[ Randall ]|Come on. Fidgit !
Hey ! You can't go !
- Hey, you can't leave me !|- Fidgit !
- Fidgit, come on !|- Wait, please !
- Come on, Fidgit !|- Hey ! Stop !
Hey !|Hey ! Don't leave me !
Hey ! Help ! Stop !
[ Coughing ]|Don't go ! Help ! Don't leave me !
Hey ! Don't go ! Stop !
- Don't leave me ! Please ! Wait !|- [ Siren Wailing ]
[ Coughing ]|Don't leave me ! Please !
[ Siren Stops ]
[ Loud Crashing ]
Come on ! Come on !
[ Fireman ]|Let's go !
- [ Coughing ]|- [ Sirens Wailing ]
- Let go ! I've got to save it !|- Don't be a fool, Diane !
- I'm going in for the toaster !|- No ! No !
- Oh, Trevor !|- Me super deluxe steamer !
[ Diane ]|Oh !
- You all right ?|- Yeah.
I think so.|[ Coughing ]
You're a very lucky boy.
Honestly, Trevor.|If you'd been half a man,
you'd have gone in there|after the blender.
[ Siren Fading ]
- This is what started it.|- Eh ?
Left the Sunday joint|cookin' all night, didn't we ?
Sunday joint ?|It's Thursday.
I never touched it !
[ Diane ]|Well, someone put it on.
Well, there was no meat|in there last night.
Oh ! Well, what do you|call this then ?
Mom ! Dad !
It's Evil !
Don't touch it !
[ Siren Wailing ]
Mom ?
Dad ?
## [ Singing ]
# Midnight sunshine #
# Silence under sky|is black as day #
# Only a dream away #
## [ Singing ]
# Waking while you're still|deep sleeping #
# Finding you're not here #
# Watchin' a dream appear #
# Tumbling through #
# A thousand centuries #
# You don't know|where you'll land #
# lt's so dark in mythology #
# Treasures of history #
# To be found #
# Within the legends of time #
# All the handiworks we made #
# Were only a dream away #
## [ Singing ]
# Greedy feeling #
# Wheeling, dealing #
# Losin' what you won #
# See the dream come undone #
# Stumble you may|with your mentoring #
# Lucky you got so far #
# All you owe is apologies #
# Measure the mystery #
# And the sound #
# lt's like taking up time #
# lt shows the handiworks|we've made #
# Only a dream away #
## [ Singing ]
[ Laughter, Chattering ]
[ Laughter, Chattering|Continue ]
TLF - The In-Laws
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