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Undercover Blues

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Over here!
Hurry up, Billy!
Don't you love New Orleans?
Come on over here and dance with me.
Look what she ordered.
Come here, honey.
Darling, 11 months is a little young for jambalaya.
The doctor said we should start her on solids.
Jambalaya's not solids.
He meant mushed-up carrots and beets.
That's for average kids.
Look, sweetheart. See?
That's delicious.
It's not spicy at all.
Jeff...
Come on. I rest my case.
Isn't she great?
She's great. You're great.
They said their name was Truman?
-Newman. -Ah, Newman.
You better get out of there.
Hey, Newman.
Isn't New Orleans great?
Great. Would you like a beer?
-Sure. -Two, please.
-Do you folks travel much? -A lot. Yeah.
We've cut down ever since the baby.
What line are you in?
Brain surgery. Professional brain surgery.
That's a hell of a field. Challenging.
Actually, I'm thinking about giving it up.
The racket's getting to me.
I was working with patients who'd undergone severe trauma...
to the patella, here in the front of the brain.
You get whacked there, you start going in circles...
lose all sense of direction.
I read about that in ''People'' magazine.
You did? The pressure started getting to me.
My hands started shaking. Dropping scalpels everywhere.
Somebody's pulling our leg.
-Almost had you. -Not me.
-What do you really do? -We're in espionage.
-Were. We're retired. -And that's the truth.
I love crashing parties.
You didn't know those people?
-They didn't know us, either. -You guys are too much.
-You ain't seen nothing yet. -Oh, yeah, Mr. Spy?
You're not planning on smoking that in the room?
I certainly am...
not planning on smoking this in the room.
-I'll Jane for a walk. -Louise.
Get some formula while you're out?
Sure. Night, folks.
Bye-bye. I'm with you.
I'd never let Vern smoke a cigar in the room.
Jane Louise!
Is her name Jane Louise or Louise Jane?
We can't agree.
I think it's strange to name a girl after her mother.
Men do it all the time, name the boys after themselves.
Why not the women?
Sweetheart, why don't we let them decide?
By the time I finish this...
it'll be ready for my child's child.
What are you doing?
Help! Don't hurt me!
Don't forget the watch. Shut up, fat boy.
My name is Muerte! Don't you forget that.
Can we go?
Come on, man!
-l want to go home. -No, no, no.
That's three. Let's call it a night.
-Not yet! -There's going to be cops.
No! I want one more.
Damn.
And here he comes.
Relax, guys, the baby won't hurt you.
Give me the wallet and the watch.
Look, this is a real baby.
I don't want any trouble.
Then hand it over.
Let's go. The watch.
It's a Swatch.
Are we finished? Can I go?
We had a deal.
You commit a felony. I go.
My name is Muerte.
Pleased to meet you, Morty. My name is Jeff.
Ozzie! Cut him!
This is a really bad idea, Morty.
You sleep through anything, don't you, honey?
I'll kill you, asshole.
You sucker.
En garde. Parry. Thrust!
It's a very fortunate thing for you my wife wasn't here.
My good girl, isn't she?
Yeah.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Hi, honey. Did you get the formula?
I completely forgot.
-Daydreaming? -Obviously.
Jeff? What happened to the stroller?
It's a bad world, isn't it, sweetheart?
You and me and Mom are going to make it better.
New Orleans Police Department.
Did you see a gentleman with a baby stroller?
That's Mr. Blue. He's upstairs in his room.
Thank you very much.
What did happen to that stroller?
Put something on. The cops are coming.
-The cops are coming? -Big badges, blue uniforms.
Why?
Officers.
-Jeff Blue? -That's me.
Lieutenant Theodore Sawyer, New Orleans Police Department.
This is Detective Sergeant Halsey.
That's Halsey. S-e-y, not s-y.
May we come in?
Sure thing, Ted. You bet. My pleasure.
I'm a great admirer of the New Orleans Police.
How's Clay Shaw?
That's really hilarious.
-This is my wife Jane. -Evening.
This is Lieutenant Sawyer.
-Lieutenant. -Sergeant Halsey.
-Sergeant. -Ma'am.
Please excuse the robe, gentlemen.
I wasn't expecting the police at this hour.
Please, sit.
Excuse us, ma'am. We're working undercover--
A lieutenant undercover? I would have thought...
they'd have something more important for you.
With oil gone belly-up...
tourism is the biggest stuff there is.
Folks getting knifed in the French Quarter...
annoys the hell out of the Tourist Commission.
There was an attempted mugging this evening.
Really?
-The victim got away. -Oh, good.
-You know nothing about that? -No.
You match the description of the intended victim--
a man with a baby stroller.
A bag lady says she saw the man enter this hotel.
The desk clerk says that man was you.
Certainly narrows it down, doesn't it?
Mr. Blue, were you involved in an attempted mugging?
No, Ted, I don't think so.
Would you mind calling me Lieutenant?
Ms. Blue...
would you care to make any comment?
Not at this precise time.
Mr. Blue, can I see some ID, please?
-You bet. -One with a picture?
Thank you.
That's a good picture.
What do you do for a living?
I'm an Electrolux salesman.
I don't know what brand of vacuum cleaner you use...
but the Electrolux is the biggest sucker of all.
Are you in New Orleans on business?
-Vacation. -How long will you stay?
Month, month and a half.
Isn't that long for a vacation?
Is it?
Mr. Blue, if...
If you know something...
but you're afraid to talk about it...
we can give you full protection.
Thanks, but I really don't know anything.
Well, thank you, sir.
Here's your ID, and here's my card.
If you change your mind, please give us a call.
-Will do. -Bye, ma'am.
That baby stroller's taken quite a beating.
Baggage handlers.
-Good night. -Good night.
Let me see if I understand this correctly.
You took our child into a knife fight?
It was a fair fight-- two of them, two of us.
Jeff, how could you?
It wasn't my idea.
You should have seen them, complete amateurs.
Biggest risk was I'd fall down laughing and hurt myself.
I won't do it again.
This is Chapter Two in which Jeff and Jane...
have a child and lead a normal life.
You forgot the formula.
That's my boy, Metre.
I'm going to fuck him up. Watch this. Hold my stick.
Boy, this is gonna be good.
-Red. -What can I do you?
-Creme de menthe. -Coming up.
Hey, Muerte, I heard you had some trouble.
Yeah. You should see the other guys--
fifteen guys with chains and dogs.
You should see what they look like.
I mean...
That ain't what I heard.
I heard it was one guy...
with a cute little tiny baby!
Which one of them done it to you, Muerte?
Was it the guy...
or that cute little tiny baby?
My name is Muerte!
My name is Death!
Don't you forget that!
Scumhooks!
So now he's looking for Blue.
Great. Muerte's going to be out for blood.
He's a vindictive little shit, Captain.
Then you find him first.
That's not all.
There's something strange about this guy Blue...
what he did to Muerte and Ozzie.
He was holding a baby, so he did it one-handed.
What are you saying?
It takes special training.
What I'm wondering is, who is this guy? FBI?
I don't think the FBI is running anything...
but you know how much they tell us.
There's a guy I knew in the service...
works with the Bureau in D.C.
Maybe I should check it out.
Stop wondering and check it out.
Right.
FBI? Dan Chesler, please.
-His line is busy. -I'll wait.
Come on!
-Chesler. -Hey, Danny.
Ted Sawyer here. How you doing?
Listen, ran into somebody unusual down here.
Was wondering if he could be one of yours?
Calls himself Jefferson Blue.
Did I say something funny?
-I'm dying. -It wasn't that far.
-20 miles. -That's far.
Hold it.
Stay put, pumpkin.
One man on the couch...reading.
A literate burglar?
How refreshing. Reading what?
Go for the far wall. I'll cover you from here.
One...
Two...
Three.
Jeff! Jeff!
Frank! How are you doing?
Did we ever thank you for the crib blanket?
No, honey. The White House sent the crib blanket.
Frank sent the Fisher-Price barnyard.
You sent that?
Do you know those little cows really moo?
Jeff always plays with it day and night.
I'd like you to consider something.
-The answer is no. -You haven't heard the question.
The answer is still no.
Whatever you want, we're not interested.
We're off the field assignment list.
Maternity leave. You gave us a very nice party.
You said if we were in a critical situation--
Not during the first 18 months.
The books all show the first 18 months are essential--
Jesus.
-Tactical nuke? -C-22.
-We are not interested. -''C'' what?
Experimental plastic explosive...
the most powerful plastic ever developed.
So unstable even the Army won't use it.
That C-22.
I thought they stopped making it.
They did. The remaining stock was stolen.
-Sell it to someone else. -Please.
FBI thinks it's organized crime.
FBI thinks everything's organized crime.
We think it's Novacek.
Novacek? We're incredibly not interested.
She hates me. Remember Budapest?
You said you'd help out a little.
Novacek is not a little. She's a psycho.
Novacek's customers make their points...
by blowing up innocent people, including children.
That's a low blow.
Just find her. We'll do the rest.
You get six months paid leave when you finish.
That ought to help the postnatal bonding.
Uh-uh. Just going to have to find somebody else.
We'll throw in a bonus. 20% of annual pay.
I made a solemn promise to Jane--
-Fifty percent. -Don't push it.
I'm a mother now.
Know what a decent college will cost in 20 years?
Thirty. I'm already way over budget.
Fifty, going once.
You mercenary thing, you.
Going twice.
I want a low-profile operation.
You want low-profile, you got low-profile.
-We'll need the usual toys. -They're on the way.
You got one lead-- this guy Foster.
He works at Dynagon. They developed C-22.
-Can you say plastic explosive? -Pay attention.
I'm paying attention. Go on.
Novacek's base is somewhere in the delta.
She's got her people spotted in local defence industries...
even the military.
More good news.
Near as we can tell, she bribed a full colonel...
into stealing the last batch of C-22 canisters.
He got spooked and used one getting away.
Blew up half of Oklahoma. Be careful, guys.
Novacek's more dangerous than she looks.
Colonel!
How happy I am to see you.
You're limping. Did you have some problems?
-Nothing I couldn't handle. -What happened?
There was a last-minute change in checkpoint security.
-What? -There's one missing.
-Missing? -That's what I'm saying.
They were bringing in tanks and artillery.
You used 1/5 of our shipment...
just to--Oh, God-- to blast yourself out?
It was the only way out. I know they're valuable.
Colonel...
Big, strong, colonel man.
I know you're the only one I can trust.
Don't ma'am me. Just call me Paulina.
Paulina, ma'am.
You just call me--Oops.
-I'll get that. -Unforgettable.
The colonel will no longer be working with us.
The FBI fired Blue twice?
Fired him in '81. Rehired him in '84.
-Fired him again in '85. -Why?
There's all kinds of rumours.
Tell him what he did in-between.
I'm going to hate this, ain't I?
-CIA. -Perfect.
Till they got on the bandwagon and fired him, too.
-Who's he with now? -Very good question.
-Go find out! -Yes, sir.
Mr. Foster?
You. What do you want?
Frau Novacek shall require your services again.
No, no. I can't be involved with that anymore.
I mean...you know.
You got no choice, little man.
Please deliver the merchandise at the usual place.
Oh, God! When?
''Gilbert Foster, 2616 Magazine Street.
''Occupation--research scientist at Dynagon Industries.
"Dishonorable discharge. Marital status--divorced.''
Yoo-hoo, Ms. Blue!
Heads up.
Laurel and Hardy.
Well, the Blues.
I got a right to sing the blues
Charming.
Cute baby. Boy or girl?
Gosh, I hope so.
She's a girl, Lieutenant.
I got two girls.
-Really? Two whole girls. -We tried for a boy.
-Coffee? -I'd love some cafe au lait.
Great.
Mr. Blue, could we talk frankly?
Sure, Ted.
What you did to those two guys--
What did you say you did for a living?
I'm an airline pilot.
You said you're a vacuum cleaner salesman.
If you knew, why'd you ask?
What you did to those guys was on a professional level.
Growing up in the mean streets--
Mean streets? You're from Nebraska.
How did you know where Jeff was from?
Had a little chat with somebody from the FBI.
The man has unexpected depths.
What else did you find out?
Nothing about our sex life, I hope.
I'm going to blush.
You weren't blushing last night.
I was blushing all over.
-Oh, yeah. -Everywhere.
My source at the FBI says they didn't think you were...
and I quote, ''Bureau material.''
That's true. I'm more of an end table.
I always think of you as a dining room chair.
Really? I see you as a rosewood armoire...
with really nice drawers.
-Blue! -What?
Who are you working for? Are you a spy?
It don't have to go beyond me.
I can help you. Trust me.
-Know what's funny? -What?
That gray van over there.
Funny ha-ha or funny interesting?
Have you been listening to me?
It's been there seven minutes with the motor running.
-So what? -It's in front of a bank.
I repeat--so what?
Order me another coffee.
He's so rude sometimes.
I'm sorry. I just have to apologize.
Excuse me.
Honey, you got to see this.
Come see what Daddy's doing.
Let's go! Go, man!
Go, God damn it! Go!
Oh, wow!
Next time, buy American.
Mrs. Blue, can we stop with the fun and games?
First try.
Give me five.
Who is your husband working for now?
If you'd like to know who my husband is working for...
I suggest you ask him.
I am outraged that he single-handedly...
foils a bank robbery and you arrest him.
You got a lot of goddamn gall.
We got your husband behind bars...
and he'll stay there until somebody tells me...
exactly what he's doing in my city!
You are overreacting. Isn't he, honey?
Men are like that.
They get threatened, then they get defensive...
and then they get aggressive--
Ma'am, if you don't watch it...
you'll find yourself in a cell, baby or no baby.
Excuse me, sir. Phone call for you.
-I'm busy. -OK.
I'm going to ask you one more time very nicely--
It's about Blue, sir.
Who is it, the president?
No.
It's the governor.
About that stunt you pulled with the car just now...
is that part of Chapter Two...
in which Jeff and Jane lead a sane life?
I don't think it's fair or nice of you...
to complain about me having a little fun.
There was a zero risk factor.
Three guys running out of a bank...
packing heat, probably stoned.
People in a hurry never look at the driver.
I've never heard that rule before.
I made it up, but it's still true.
And it's all part of my brilliant plan.
Which brilliant plan?
Take a look at this.
This guy at Dynagon, Foster...
he's worth spooking, so tomorrow, what we do...
Would you get that? My hands are all gooey.
Yeah.
-Hello. Speaking. -This Blue?
Do you remember me?
You have a really sexy voice...
but, hey, I'm a happily married man.
You'll be a dead man soon.
Who is this again?
This is Muerte.
Morty!
No! No Morty! Muerte! Death!
Yeah, right. Death.
That's right. I'm coming for you, man...
and I'm going to kill you.
Morty, it's late. What's the bottom line?
The bottom line is you're gonna die, man...ugly.
Morty, do me a favour. Don't call here anymore...
unless you want to have a serious conversation.
Excuse me! No! Hello?
-Who was that? -That was Morty.
Muerte. How nice.
-He'll be very useful. -Boy, are you optimistic.
Dynagon Industries.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, Mr. Foster. My name is Hildy Johnson.
I'm with the ''Chicago Herald.''
I'm working on a story about the theft of defence secrets.
I have absolutely no comment to make on this matter.
Really? How about a big front-page photo?
Oh, God!
I think you should leave, sir, right now.
Run back the tape from reception.
Stop it right there.
Print.
Mr. Ferderber, please.
Yes, I'll wait.
Yeah, right. Yes.
Oh, God.
-Jefferson Blue. -You know him?
Yes. He ruined the operation in Budapest.
This means everything will have to be accelerated.
You must make copies of this and distribute them.
We must get Blue.
Yes, Frau Novacek.
Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Here you go, honey.
I told you B.B. King recorded children's records.
There you go. Let's go find Mommy.
Maybe she'll give us something to eat.
Hi, Morty. How's it going?
Muerte! For Death!
You die today!
Right. That looks really great on TV...
but you get better results if you hold it like--
Shut up!
Do you always have this much problem...
with a little constructive criticism?
Now what?
Hi, hon. I told you about Morty.
-Morty, this is Jane. -Hi, Morty.
I'm sorry, but we've got so much shopping to do--
Shut up! You die, too!
Oh, for God's sakes.
Oh, no.
Honey.
Come here, Morty.
I can't leave you alone for a minute.
This wasn't my fault.
Nothing's ever your fault.
You going to kill him?
Aren't we bloodthirsty?
I told you not to drink all that coffee.
Where are we going to eat?
I heard about this great place from the Newmans.
They say the oysters are terrific.
Here we go.
You want to sit here or in the garden?
-Garden? -Sure.
That way, please.
Do you think we'll find Novacek?
Absolutely. We spooked Foster.
Word gets to Novacek. Novacek gets worried.
She doesn't know what move to make.
She's fretful. She's nervous.
You're describing a baby with colic.
All right. What can I get for you folks?
A new acquaintance told me this was the place for oysters.
Yes, ma'am, it is.
We'll have six dozen oysters and two beers.
All right, sir. Right away.
You like them, too?
This place is great.
Darling, do the oysters come with guns?
Don't make any sudden moves.
-Is there a bee on me? -l don't see one.
What's a sudden move? I never understood that.
I don't either. They watch too many cop shows.
Get up from the table very, very slowly.
Very, very? Not just very?
Start moving.
You remember Marseilles three, four years ago?
Uh-huh.
Don't try anything stupid.
-Sure you remember? -l think so.
All right. On the count of three--
-One...two...three. -Don't!
All right.
The comedy's over.
After them, you fools!
Why didn't you shoot him under the table?
You said Marseilles. That was East Berlin.
Oops.
They just closed for lunch.
Anything you care to tell me?
The oysters look terrific.
I mean about what just happened here.
I'd say it was a domestic disturbance.
-Domestic disturbance? -Like ''The Honeymooners.''
Remember how Ralph fought with Alice?
I don't recollect Ralph using semiautomatic weapons.
Norton sometimes did.
And Mrs. Manicotti on the second floor.
Wow, what a temper she had.
You got a gun? Give it to me.
I don't carry a gun.
Jeff's a lousy shot.
He bribed the examiner at the FBI.
That's a lie. I bribed the guy at the CIA.
I blackmailed the guy at the FBI.
You think you're smarter than we are.
Not much. I just have more training.
I thought you were a vacuum cleaner salesman.
What's he doing, joining the band?
-That's your husband. -l know.
-Does he play the trumpet? -Apparently.
I hate him.
I really hate him.
-Is she asleep? -Like an angel.
I will be having hideous nightmares about shoot-outs.
Don't blame me. You picked the restaurant.
Here's what I think. Tomorrow morning...
you and the pumpkin get on a plane...
and I'll call you when it's over.
Please.
Isn't that what you want?
We are a team. End of story.
God knows what would happen to you if I wasn't around.
I might get hurt.
Or worse than that.
Don't start. I have to make a phone call.
Who do you want to be, good cop or bad cop?
Bad cop. Who are you calling?
I never get to be the bad cop.
You can never keep a straight face.
Who are you calling?
-Yes? -Mr. Foster?
Who is this?
Our organization has been penetrated...
by a brilliant American agent and his beautiful wife.
Meet me--
At the cemetery where we always meet.
But of course.
2:00 tomorrow afternoon. Do not be late.
So, tomorrow we gang up on Mr. Foster.
Do you think he'll come?
Absolutely. If he doesn't, we still get some sightseeing.
So you were saying if you weren't around...
You might get hurt.
Badly hurt.
Maimed, maybe.
Maybe...
Maybe worse.
Decapitated...lose my head.
I know what decapitated means.
Kill the light.
I meant turn it off.
-Honey. -Look who's here.
Ding, ding, ding, went the trolley
-Clang, sir. -What?
Clang went the trolley, ding went the bell.
So, you've been assigned to follow us.
Who says we're following you?
I get it. You have a day off...
and you're spending it together.
No. Here's what you're doing--
pissing away the taxpayers' money.
That's what we're paid for.
And following around CIA agents in New Orleans.
Will you get off that already?
I say you're CIA.
Good. Say it.
Tell me, what are you doing here?
This is a cemetery.
Are you here on company business?
Lieutenant, will you get off this CIA kick?
I'm a regular guy, almost a regular guy.
I got a wife, a baby.
Enjoy yourself and watch the funeral.
I've seen plenty of funerals.
I'm here to keep an eye on you.
Lord have mercy.
Jesus Christ!
I guess he got here early.
Hi. How are you?
How was my Jonathan? Was he any trouble?
Oh, no. He's a good baby.
Did you enjoy the jazz cruise?
We missed the boat.
Too bad. When we did that--
When was it, Vern? Two years ago.
-Three years ago. -No, honey, it was not.
It was right after my haemorrhoid surgery.
You told me about that.
He doesn't want to hear about your haemorrhoids.
Come to Daddy!
Thank you so much.
If you ever want us to watch Louise Jane...
just let us know.
Jane Louise, honey.
No, Louise Jane. We'd be more than happy.
Thank you. We'll take you up on that.
Good night. Sleep tight.
-You tired? -Very.
Oh, really?
That's just too bad, honey.
Because you know why?
Because I had some real fun in mind.
Like what, for instance?
Breaking and entering into the house of a dead man...
is not my idea of a lot of fun.
It would be if you didn't take all night to open the door.
Madam needs to be changed.
Change her yourself. This is a five-pin Chubb.
See Mommy picking the big lock?
When you're a big girl, she'll teach you to pick locks.
Of course, she still may be picking this one.
One minute even. Pretty slick.
Thank you.
OK...
We can assume the cops tossed the place pretty thoroughly.
At least all the obvious places.
So we'll start with the refrigerator.
That's funny.
-What? -A shoe.
-And? -It's got a foot in it.
Evening.
All right.
You going to tell us the whole story?
We can tell you part of the story.
-Tell me all of it. -Part or nothing.
How about we bust your ass for B-and-E?
How about we talk to your nice governor?
All right. Tell me part of the story.
It's hard to know where to begin.
My parents were really simple folks.
My father was a steam fitter.
The relevant part.
What do you know about recent Czechoslovakian politics?
No more Commie threat and a bloodless revolution.
-Very good. -l saw it on PBS.
File.
Who is this?
Paulina Novacek, head of the Czech secret police.
She left Prague two jumps ahead of the firing squad.
-She's in New Orleans? -We think so.
She's got men planted in labs and factories...
all over the south. Industrial theft.
Steals weapons, chemicals, sells them.
So you got to find her and send her back?
-There's no extradition. -Has to go voluntarily.
And you think Foster worked for Novacek.
He was the middleman that funnelled stuff to her...
and through him we'll find the big guys.
So we have to find the middleman.
There you go, Janie. Don't squirt Daddy.
Honey?
Come here.
I think I got it.
-Come here, baby. -Gentlemen.
Will you give me a hand, Lieutenant?
Pick it up. Easy, easy.
-Holy mackerel! -Look at that.
-Look at that. -Careful.
Allow me.
Damn. Nothing but money.
What's wrong with money?
We were hoping for a name.
Allow me.
Come on, baby. We'll put you to bed.
Thank you.
-That's interesting. -What?
There's a Rampart Savings and Loan with an ATM.
Why would Foster go across town to use another branch?
That is interesting.
Come on.
Weight on the left leg.
Swing the right leg from the hip.
Come on. That's good.
There we go. Good. Oh, well.
-When I was her age-- -She is right on schedule.
I was walking at eight months.
You walked at a year and a half.
Your mother was ready to call in specialists.
Take this.
You think Sawyer can handle this thing at the bank?
Sure. He's OK. He really is.
Ready?
This is an incredible alligator.
Ready?
Let's try it.
I figure the range is about 15 miles, plus or minus one.
Think that'll do it?
-Should be fine. -It better be.
That's a beautiful alligator.
Look at that alligator go.
I really appreciate this help, Lieutenant.
It's easy. March right up to him...
and start talking as loud as possible.
-Loud? -Loud and obnoxious.
Just act natural.
You got to laugh at yourself more, sir.
-Let me help you out. -Stop it!
Cut it out.
Loud.
Loud and proud, sir. Just you wait.
I'd like some assistance, please!
We're police officers!
Is there anyone in here that can help me?
Now!
Hear what I just said? I need some information!
Who's in charge of the automatic teller machine?
I want to talk to them now!
Excuse me. Is there a problem?
Can I help you in some way?
Mr. Ferderber? New Orleans Police Department.
How many times do I have to say this?
How many times?
Who's in charge of the automatic teller machine?
Must be hard of hearing.
That's all right. I understand.
I can help you. Would you come with me?
Just have a seat in my office here.
I'll make sure someone assists you immediately.
-Thanks. -All right?
Better be quick, too.
Hi, hon. What's happening?
I just got Louise down for her nap.
Scare up a white lab coat.
Does it have to be white? I feel very pale today.
Just make it fast. Got to go.
FBI! You're under arrest!
You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up that right...
you may talk, sing, dance, or impersonate Elvis.
You also have the right to an attorney.
If you're broke and can't afford an attorney, tough shit!
Get in the car, you suspected felon!
What am I being charged with?
That's for me to know and you to find out.
Who's she?
Allow me to introduce Dr. Natasha Lottelenya...
of the Rosa Klebb Institute, Leningrad.
Hello. This lunatic has kidnapped me.
I'm afraid Dr. Lottelenya doesn't speak any English...
but I'll be happy to translate.
What is that?
What is that thing? What is she doing?
Dr. Lottelenya is one of the world's leading experts...
on the prevention and control of extreme pain.
Interestingly enough, she's also an authority...
on the causation of extreme pain.
What are you saying?
Is she going to do something?
That depends on you...
on how much you're willing to tell us.
Oh, God. I can't tell you anything.
Honest, honest. I don't know anything.
I understand...
and believe me, I respect that.
What needles?
This is state of the art.
In the old days, we used Zippo lighters and rats...
but this...
this is called Jane's Probe.
Now, when introduced past the left eyeball...
you can insert it right into the pain centre of the brain.
Then a little electric current--
God, what is that? Don't!
It's not necessary!
Who's that?
That's Professor Lancaster.
He was really a tough one when he came in here.
Now listen to him.
If I say anything, how do I know you'll let me go?
You just have to trust us.
Tell me who you report to.
A woman.
A very tall woman. I only saw her once.
Where do I find her?
Honest to God, I don't know.
Dr. Lottelenya.
Wait. I don't know where she is...
but I do know her telephone number.
There's a piece of paper in my shirt pocket.
Mr. Ferderber, I would advise you to disappear.
Vanish. Change your name, your job...
and if possible, your face.
-Who's that? -Open up in there!
-Come on. -Open up!
-Come this way. -My name...
Where is my goddamn car?
Hey, Ted.
We were getting ready to take the kid to the zoo.
Look at him.
"It is believed that as recently as 1979...
''eight subspecies of tigers were living.
''Today only five remain.''
-Oh, no. -How about that?
Right. Isn't he gorgeous?
There he is. Don't worry, baby.
Mommy and Daddy will save him.
Yes, we will. We'll see to it.
There'll be lots of tigers when you grow up.
Let's check out the elephants.
Here we go.
This is like a parade.
You have to talk to our little friend.
Which one?
The big ''M.'' I'll take care of him.
Do it fast. I'm hungry.
If you're in a hurry, why don't we create a diversion?
Like what, for instance?
Remember what worked in Toronto?
No. Please. Not that.
Help! My wife is having a fit!
Jeff, don't do this to me!
-Help! -l really hate you.
Come on. Help!
Oh, God! Don't let her swallow her tongue!
Police! Police!
Stand back. We trained for this.
Somebody hold my popcorn.
And they say, ain't you glad you're single?
Hey, honey, there's the alligators.
Look at that. Wow!
Look at those alligators.
See them?
They look mean, don't they?
Morty! How's it going, champ?
Blue! No! It's an alligator pit!
Get me out of here!
Relax. They've been fed already.
Stay! Stay back!
It says here that these are American alligators.
Know how you can tell? This is fascinating.
They have a broader snout and you can't see the fourth tooth.
Don't leave! Get me out of here!
Give me your wallet.
What?
You owe me $57.50 for a new stroller.
Give me your wallet.
OK. Sure. Just one second.
-Come on. -I'm coming! All right?
-OK. OK. -Come on.
Hey. Whoa.
I paid you back. There. Even Steven.
Just a second.
Hurry up! Please!
Listen, I don't have any change.
Can I owe you $2.50?
OK! Just get me the fuck out of here!
Watch your language.
I need something I can use for a rope.
A rope?
Give me your jacket.
Good idea.
You're OK, Blue. Really.
You're an OK guy.
Please, Morty. God.
Come on, Blue. Let's go. Hurry up! Chop chop!
OK.
No, no, no. It's not long enough.
Tell you what...
give me your pants.
My pants?
No way. No.
OK. OK. OK.
OK!
They sense fear.
I know they do, Blue. I can see that.
I know what fear is. You're driving me crazy.
See the big monkey, honey?
See the big monkey?
I'm so sorry about everything.
So sorry. It just became like--
Oh, my God. It's eating my shoe.
Stay back. Give her some room.
Put your hand in her mouth...
or she'll swallow her tongue like my cousin Albert!
OK, Blue, here we go.
Make the rope!
OK.
Here we go. Make the rope.
Oh, no. It's not going to work.
It's just not long enough. I'll go for help.
Blue, please, no. Don't leave me.
Please don't leave me!
Can I get you anything? Coffee?
I'm fine. No coffee.
Just hurry up, please! Bye! Thank you!
-Ta-ta. -Ta-ta!
Come on, honey.
Mary, look at the cypress.
Hi, girls. Afternoon, Sister.
-Good afternoon. -Don't miss the gators.
Thank you. We're going to see the gators, girls.
Stand back, everybody. I've got her medication.
Here it is, darling. It was in the car.
Under the tongue. Are you all right?
Thank God.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
I want to thank everybody. You've been great.
-Thank you. -Sweetheart, can you walk?
I thought your performance was excellent.
Let's not do that anymore.
Why not? It always works.
I have to wash my hair again.
Honey, it's that windblown look. It so becomes you.
Thank you so much.
Come here, sweetheart.
Want to have some real fun tonight?
Like last night?
Only better. A real fantasy.
What'd you have in mind?
I know you.
Everybody know me. I am Muerte.
You're the guy got stomped by that feller with the baby.
Don't provoke me, OK?
You want to get back at him?
What?
I know somebody who'd pay big.
You don't know nada.
OK. I don't know nada.
But this guy said Muerte's the guy for the job.
Who said that?
About Muerte.
You got to buy me a drink first.
What would you like?
I don't believe men.
Three guys tried to pick me up tonight.
I can understand that.
-You can? -Yeah.
My mother was right about you.
-Did she wake up? -Just once around midnight.
Just wanted to be held.
How did it go? Did Morty go for it?
Of course he went for it.
God, I am so tired.
Keep the makeup on.
-Why? -It's kind of a turn-on.
Yecch! You disgust me.
Hello?
Your name is what?
What? Death?
Yeah, I see.
It's about Blue.
It's the opening gambit.
No, no, no. You can't find us.
We'll send a man to pick you up at Bayou St. John.
Come along. We are wasting time.
Oh, my God. It was horrible.
It was a nightmare.
Why'd you have to make it so bumpy?
Would you prefer to walk?
I'm all nauseous. I'm white as a sheet.
It was a nightmare. I'm a land creature.
After you, sir. Frau Novacek is waiting.
I'm driving back, OK?
It's very good of you to pay us a visit.
I am Paulina Novacek.
Your name?
My name is Muerte.
As in Death?
Yes. You speak Spanish?
I trust you.
Good. Perhaps I'll trust you.
Come.
Excuse me. Paulina?
Thank you so much.
Hi, guys.
You can go to a strip joint.
We're spending a quiet evening at home.
Thanks. We appreciate that.
Anything we can do to make your lives easier.
Isn't the baby a little young for dolls?
It's for me. It's a post-feminist doll.
Goes to work with little sneakers on, but resents it.
-Night. -Bye.
They're really very interesting people.
Come on.
I no working with him!
I no working with him, you bitch!
No, no! Please! Paulina!
You expect me to believe some bum approached you...
with information that Mr. Blue is coming here tonight?
He's coming here tonight!
What if he's telling the truth?
Thank you very much. What is your name?
So, Mr. Muerte--
Excuse me, please. No mister. It's Muerte.
You come here pretending to sell information.
You are so obviously a confederate of Mr. Blue.
My family.
Do me a favor.
Be careful tonight, all right?
-Jeff. -Yeah?
I really mean that. I got a funny feeling.
Maybe it's your allergies.
It is not my allergies.
Promise me you'll be extra careful tonight.
I will.
I love you very much.
You really do?
More and more and more every day.
You know what's funny?
What?
That's exactly how I feel.
I'm starving.
-Hold down the fort. -Yes, sir.
He don't listen to me. I try telling him.
See what I'm saying?
Pay no attention to what I'm saying.
Taxi!
Shit! Damn!
Damn!
Police! Follow that cab!
I haven't heard anybody say that in a long time.
-Come on! Just drive! -Hold your horses.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Frank, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
It's just like the old plastique bomb...
only a zillion times more powerful.
We will do our best, Frank.
Oh, my God. She walked!
Louise just walked. I got to go.
Do you see what you just did?
You wonderful thing, you.
Wait a minute. Now don't move.
Hold it. Oops!
Come here.
Do it again for Daddy.
Great!
You are amazing!
Come on.
Come on, honey.
Come over to Mom--
Come to Mommy.
Honey, you can make it.
Oh, baby!
I can't believe you. You are amazing.
Come on now. Isn't Daddy--Oh, honey.
Can you come to Mommy?
Daddy's going to be so surprised.
I am so proud of you. You are just terrific.
-Hi there. -Hi.
-Stop here. -l can't stop on no bridge.
-l don't want no ticket. -I'm a cop.
You'll give me a ticket. Entrapment.
Goddamn it! Stop here! Not going to entrap you.
I need you to wait here.
I can't wait outside the city limits.
-That's the law. -Just wait here!
I don't think so.
Damn it!
You going to cast off for me?
-Sure will. -All right.
How long do you think it'll take me?
You'll be there by dawn.
-Got it? -Got it.
Thanks.
You lost your parade.
Have a seat. Come on.
Play something else.
Honey. It's OK.
This her? This pretty little thing?
She's more dangerous than she looks...
but you can handle her.
She don't look dangerous at all to me.
Come on, sugar. Come to Papa.
Careful, Sikes. I don't want her hurt.
Sure thing. She'll be lots more fun later on...
if she ain't all banged up.
Ain't you the clever one?
You bet I'm clever.
Wait till you see what I got for you.
So far, I'm not very impressed.
I'm going to get you.
Gotcha!
Damn!
Sikes...
Put it away.
It's a taser.
You're not going to give me any more trouble, are you?
Having fun?
What in the hell are you doing here?
I'm not here. I'm at home, like you.
Ted, you're in way over your head.
Just wait on the boat.
Not a chance. And call me Lieutenant.
Lieutenant, believe me--
-No. -Why not?
My orders are not to let you out of my sight.
OK. Just stay close.
Whatever happens, do exactly what I say...
no matter how nuts it may sound.
Absolutely.
Where's your gun?
I don't carry a gun. Pay attention.
Careful. Things could get very sticky.
Good morning, Mr. Blue.
This is amazing.
I was just saying things could get very sticky.
It's good to see you again.
You haven't changed. Have l?
Only your men.
Thank you. It's these American accessories.
They're very good.
Come. We must have some tea.
You are still having such a wonderful body, Mr. Blue.
Well, thank you.
What do you think of the lieutenant?
Will you shut up?
You're so... How you say the word? Foxy.
Shall we?
Also you're a very valuable commodity.
Think what the Libyans would pay...
for your knowledge of American intelligence.
Or the Chinese. Or the Colombians.
I think quite a lot of money, Mr. Blue.
See? Most people do like me.
Surprise.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
This is between you and me.
To involve Jane or my child--
I know. It was in the worst possible taste.
You see, in just half an hour...
a helicopter and Comrade Zubic will arrive...
to transfer the C-22 to a cargo vessel.
You and I will travel with it.
What's C-22?
I was meaning to tell you about that.
Bring him in.
So...you see, Mr. Blue?
I have captured all your confederates.
Paulina, Paulina, Paulina...
my hat's off to you.
Why not your pants?
I could figure you getting me.
I could figure you grabbing Jane.
But to get your hands on the boss man himself...
the big ''M''.
You're saying this man is your superior?
I said to him, ''Sir, the risk is too great.
''You stay here in the Hollow Mountain...
''where it's safe, and I shall go forth--''
Take his gag off.
No! No! No! My name is Morty.
Muerte.
I kill you.
Shut up!
Someone find out who this man is and then kill him.
I've got no time for this.
Mrs. Blue, passing your child over.
No! Don't do it!
How heroic.
Mrs. Blue, you are of absolutely no value to me...
except as an example to your husband.
Jane, you know what to do.
Would you please hold still?
Those are police cuffs.
You can't get them off with a bobby pin.
-Absolutely right. -Thanks, hon.
-Want me to work on yours? -Yeah, please.
Guess who walked today.
You're kidding? And I missed it?
I'm really mad at you, too.
Whose idea was it to take this job anyway?
We got to get out of here. Follow me!
''Follow me''?
Give him his moment in the sun.
What sun?
Son of a bitch! Damn it!
How badly are you hit?
I'm not hit. I just smashed my knee.
This is why I hate working with amateurs.
Where the hell are you from?
North Adams, Massachusetts. Why?
Just asking.
Damn!
Where is it?
-You wait here! -No way.
Jane's an expert in martial arts I can't pronounce.
She can kill you three ways without using her hands.
Do what she says.
Maybe I'll wait here.
Czech-mate.
Daylight.
Zubic! Zubic!
Bring it over, you idiot.
I am surrounded by fools.
Climb up, Paulina! Climb up!
I can't! This case is too heavy!
Improvise!
Down! We must go down!
Easy. Don't...let me fall.
Zubic, get this thing up!
This is good!
Remember! Make it look real!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Remember Helsinki!
Gotcha, lady!
Good wrist lock, hon.
Thank you.
Come here!
Come on!
Be careful where you shoot.
Mr. Blue.
Have you come to watch your wife die?
No! Don't do that! You'll kill us all!
If Jane goes, we all go.
Just a minute. Think about it.
Don't be such a jerk, Jeff.
This is your chance. Let her go and you can have...
You can have everything.
I'm getting seriously pissed.
No!
So am l!
We're naming the kid Jane Louise. Period.
OK.
Dropping your weapons...
or you'll be shooted from the air!
Zubic! Zubic!
Face down in the mud, everybody.
Hurry, Paulina! You're not safe!
-I'm coming! -We've got to get you out!
Hurry, Paulina! We've got to get you out!
You are not safe! Get in!
Thank you. Thank you.
We did it!
I had begun to think you had forgotten me.
Oh, Paulina. We have never forgotten.
Oh, Zubic.
What?
And thank you for flying Air Czechoslovakia.
Like I said, no one ever looks at the driver.
You going to tell me the rest of the story?
-Sure. Where was l? -Czech police.
The Czechs had permission to come in...
but they couldn't just snatch Novacek.
We had to create a situation where she'd leave willingly.
You saw her get in the chopper.
She went of her own free will.
No kidnapping, no coercion.
You going to wake him up?
What for?
-Janie! -There's our baby!
Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetie.
Thank you so much.
What have you two lovebirds been up to all night?
There's a new mud wrestling place on Bourbon Street.
Food's not bad, either.
You guys have so much fun.
We have a lot of fun, too.
-l could tell. -Thank you again.
-I'm so jealous. -See you later.
Yeah. You can go home and clean up, Lieutenant.
-What? -It's over. Finished.
No plans to invade Cuba while you're in the neighbourhood?
No. We're shipping out today.
I have your word on that?
Please, please, please.
Sleeping like a baby.
Hi, Morty.
Morty?
OK. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Blue, help me! I can't swim!
What do you think?
I'm going down! I can't swim! Please!
Mr. and Mrs. Blue! S.O.S.! Help!
Yeah.
My God! Oh, Jesus! The ocean is so deep!
Catch!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Thank you, Mrs. Blue!
You are a great woman! The woman of the Nineties!
Mrs. Blue, throw me a piece of rope, please!
I tell you what. Wait here. We'll go for help.
No, no, no! Don't leave me!
Anything you want? Coffee, tea?
Coffee, tea? No, I'm fine. Thank you very much.
Just get me the hell out of here, please!
-Morty. -What?
Ta-ta.
Ta-ta.
Now...
which way is Cuba?
No! That's the wrong way! Please! Come back!
No! The land is back there behind you!
Where you going? Blue, no!
U-571
U-turn
US Marshals
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