Waking Ned Devine (1998)
..and the universe is much the same as at any other point in the history of the world.
The planets and stars orbit and spin, and do everything that is expected of them.
On earth, as the sun sets,...
..millions prepare for a weekly event which is far less predictable.
In 63 countries around the world,...
..dozens of lottery machines spin hundreds of lottery balls.
It takes seconds for the winning numbers to be selected,...
..seconds for the losers to realise they have lost.
But, for the winners, it is an event which will undoubtedly change their lives for ever.
(TV) Welcome to the NationaI Lottery's weekend draw for Saturday 21st August.
We're coming to you live tonight from the very heart of Dublin.
As we speak - calculating the total amount of the jackpot to be claimed tonight.
We shall be updating you on the total jackpot and all the news...
..in our round-up programme which follows directly after the news.
For now, let's concentrate on the game in hand, and get this week's draw under way.
- Match six numbers... - Annie, where's my ticket?
In your trousers.
(TV) Here's Alan Fergis, our independent observer. Alan is from Stokescroft...
..Financial Services, and we're honoured to have him here with us tonight.
There's all your numbers - 1 to 42, poised and ready.
Annie, bring me me apple tart, will you?
Get it yourself.
..release all 42 numbers. We'll start the selection.
The lotto's starting.
..as we wait for the first number to come from the draw drum.
And that first number is... nineteen.
- Oh, yes! There she goes. - Nineteen.
Annie, come in. Bring me me tart. We got the first one.
It's... number forty.
Japers, Annie! Can you believe it? I got the second!
Our third number... is number four.
Oh, will you look at that, girl!
Here's our fourth number... seven.
Can you believe it, Annie? Number seven! Come in out of that!
We got the first four!
You're having me on.
Shush, shush, shush.
- Twenty-five. - Annie... we've got it.
Oh, God help us.
God help us.
And here's the sixth number,...
- ..twenty-nine. Twenty-nine. - Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Have we won?
No. But it got me apple tart brought in now, didn't it?
* I wish I was a fisherman
* Tumbling on the seas
* Faraway from dry land
* And its bitter memories
* Casting out my sweet life
* With abandonment and love
* No ceiling bearing down on me
* Save the starry sky above
* With light in my head
* With you in my arms
Michael... Michael O'Sullivan, are you a millionaire?
Now, Jackie, would I spend me time sitting on this old beach if I was a millionaire?
I believe you would.
Hold on there now... I've some mighty news.
- Are you going in for a dip? - More important things to do.
Look and see what I've found in the small print of The lrish Times last night.
Look at it - the front page, down at the bottom.
Winking at you! Lotto results. Winner from County More West.
A local winner. Now that's a thing!
It's more than local. County More West is big, but there's only one village in it.
Is it a fact, Jackie?
- A winner in the village? - In Tullymore itself, yes.
And... how many are living there now?
There's fifty-two precisely.
If you've not won, I've not won, and Annie's not won, that leaves a total of forty-nine.
And one is a winner.
- Has the news reached Tullymore? - Nobody's figured it out yet,...
..so nobody knows but the winner.
God, it's mighty, Jackie!
- Does Annie know? - She does.
She's looking for the winner now.
* If a goose comes along
* To sing her song
* Then I light a fire
* With a big pot on
Well, you're blessed with a grand voice, Mrs Kennedy.
How long can a man sit on a fortune without spending a penny, Jackie?
As long as he wants, Michael. The longer it's sat on, the bigger our share.
Jesus, man! Where is it from?
- Does it suit me, Maggie? - It does at that.
- Will you marry me, then? - Oh! Da!
Brendy, can I marry your daughter now?
It must be stolen, that!
- Come for a ride like the old days. - Finn, darling,...
..you know I would, if it wasn't for the smell of the pigs.
What about me young man there? Maurice, will you come for a ride in the racing car?
- Grampy, can I go? - No!
- Brendy, is my puncture mended? - Come back tomorrow.
I could have done it quicker myself.
Find the winner and make sure we are their best friends when they cash the cheque!
- (Jackie) Come on, then! - (Annie) I'm not sure.
- So you think it's a woman? - I'm just saying it might be.
If it's a woman, I'll chat her up and we'll be off before you knew it!
I'm bursting with news! I think I know who's won.
That's mighty, for I've an idea I know myself.
- (Jackie) Annie, what's the noise? - It's Michael. And he knows the winner.
Well, come on, I want to hear it up here, so!
Jesus, Jackie, do you think you're the Pope? Shouting for the whole village to hear!
Well, come on. Out with it.
- It's Mrs Kennedy. - Oh, now, I've got someone else.
- Well, speak up, man. - Pig Finn.
Would you look at that! There's 49 possible winners, and we're down to two already.
We're in the bath!
Jackie, it's Finn. Are you up for a pint?
I need your advice.
- (whispers) He's after advice on his money. - Say you will.
Aye, Finn, I'm up for a pint.
I'm just out of me bath. I'll see you at Fitzgerald's...
...in ten minutes.
I'd noticed a terrible stink on him lately.
- Evening, Jackie. Michael. - Boys.
Dennis, have you seen Pig Finn?
His glass is there and himself is in the toilet.
- Two pints, and one for my old friend Finn. - Oh, and his favourite Mexican crisps...
..as well, Dennis.
You must be needing an operation on your nose, Jackie. Have you smelt the pig lately?
I have. It's not half as bad as the smell of your aftershave.
Well, this aftershave is a knockout with the girls.
And tell me, Pat... which particular girls are you knocking out at the moment?
Well, hello, Mrs Kennedy! Don't be afraid, it's only myself. I've been baking.
Jackie had no room for this, so I thought we'd share it.
There's the man!
- How are you, boys? - How are you?
- I'm grand. - The old sparkle in your eye, eh?
Ah, you're a devil, Jackie. Jesus, Jackie, you must have...
..a terrible thirst on you tonight to drink two pints at the same time.
- Here, this is yours, Finn. I bought you a pint. - You're joking me.
You never bought me a pint.
Go away with you! I brought you home many a night.
And I bought you a packet of your favourite Mexican crisps.
And no offence now, Finn... I bought you some expensive fruity soaps.
Take them home and try them out.
Ah, boys, what are you up to?
Nothing. Can I not buy you a pint?
Did you come into some money, Jackie?
But you'd be the first to share it if I had, Finn.
Where have you been, woman? I've been in bed an hour.
Ah, shut up.
- You're drunk. - I am not!
What's the news?
I spent ten pounds on Finn,...
..and all he wanted was advice on his sick pig.
- Huh! - Was the sports car his?
Not at all. He's looking after it for his brother.
Then I spent another forty on the locals in case the winner was hidden among them.
- You're acting like you won the lottery. - Aye. Rockefeller, that's me!
I followed my nose to Mrs Kennedy's.
- And I took a meat pie to soften her up. - Go on.
Found her on her own... drinking champagne.
- It's her, then. - Hold on.
No sooner was my meat pie in her belly than she tells me that her daughter's belly's...
..filled up with a new baby. That's why she was singing. Sure, she's over the moon!
Lord, would you look at that!
We're already fifty pounds and one meat pie lighter!
You're not getting your toaster, Lizzy!
I'm an old, disabled person with no money, Fitzgerald.
And you're taking advantage.
Your toaster is mended, but you've got to pay for it!
You're ripping me off, Fitzgerald!
I'm fed up with you taking without paying, woman!
Get out of my way!
- (hooter) - You little gobshite!
Morning, boys. How's the heads?
- Oh, we were heavy drunk last night! - The whole bar was,...
..thanks to you. There's a rumour you've come into some money.
Oh, janey mack!
I wish I had. No, I was just treating me friends with the little I've got.
I came over to make sure I'd settled up for those last few rounds.
Go on! On you go.
That Mrs Kennedy...
..is a fine one for the champagne.
I thought it would be you boys that would have the heads this morning, not me.
We do have heads and they are sore.
But at the same time filled with the very best of Irish brains.
- Will those dead chickens find the winner? - They will.
Jackie talked Mrs Kennedy into giving us a list of the regular lotto players.
There's eighteen, and each of those will be invited to a chicken supper.
We'll sit them down, feed them up, and then find the winner.
It's not me Christmas card already, is it, Michael?
- Christmas has come early this year, Kitty. - How exciting!
Come in, Michael, come in.
I've been baking!
It's tempting, Kitty, but I've more cards to deliver.
Is it a little love note, Michael?
What are you up to?
- Been writing. - Ah, Maggie,...
- ..will you read me some of your poetry? - Jesus, Finn, that's not poetry.
It's just words for a greeting card. There's a big difference.
Ah, it's poetry to me.
My cards are bought by men on their way home from work.
They never even read what I've written inside.
I read them!
- Go on, Maggs, read us one. - No!
- Ah, will you go on, now? - I can't.
Make my heart sing.
Ah, go on, Maggs, just the one. Just for me. Please...
- Promise you won't laugh? - I certainly will not!
No, "sometimes" is good.
"Sometimes" - it's a lovely start.
..some things are special."
..someone is close."
"Sometimes you feel you'll never quite say...
..the somethings that matter... the most."
That's poetry, Maggie.
You've a real talent there.
It's bollocks, Finn. A bit of extra cash is all it is.
I've been using fruity soaps, Maggie.
Well, come on, then.
Let's get closer.
Oh, yes, please, Maggie.
It's been a long time, hasn't it, Finn?
If it weren't for the pigs, we'd be settled by now.
- We might. - The pigs is all you know.
- Can we forget the pigs for the moment? - I know, but if it weren't for the pigs...
- Can we get closer, Maggie? - We can.
- But I can't wait for ever is what I'm saying. - I know, darling. Come on.
..l have missed you.
- You could work with my dad. - He hates me.
- In Fitzgerald's, then. - He doesn't need anyone.
- There must be something you're good at. - Come here and I'll show you, girl.
Come on, Maggie!
- I caught a whiff of something then. - Oh, no, it's peaches. Peach soaps, Maggie.
- It's something else. - Could be strawberries.
- Finn... - Maggie...
Oh, no, I'm sorry, love, it's still there.
- No, Maggie, please, no! - No, no, I'm sorry.
- (Maurice) What can you play? - Nothing, really. I just like messing around.
- Can you play songs by Jesus? - No. I wish I could.
- So, did he come to you, then?
- Who's that? - Jesus.
Well, he did in many ways, yes.
Did you see him?
Well, not exactly, no.
But... you're working for him.
I am. Doing the best I can.
Do you get paid for it?
Well, it's more a payment of the spiritual kind, Maurice.
Think you could be drawn to the Church?
- I don't think so. - Well, you never know.
I don't think I could work for someone I'd never met, and not get paid for it.
- Did you enjoy your supper, Michael? - I did indeed, Kitty.
It was generous of Jackie to splash out.
Oh, he's a generous man, Kitty.
Did you see Pig Finn in his brother's racing car this week, Brendy?
I thought it was stolen!
..they tell me you might be splashing out on a sports car yourself.
If I had the money, I wouldn't waste it on a car when my bike's outside.
- How about yourself? - What?
Will you be splashing out on a sports car?
Are you mad, man?!
Tom, would you be looking for a bigger house now that you've had your baby?
- ..how did you like your breast? - My breast, Annie, was tasty.
So tell us, are you going to take a holiday this year?
- Where would I get the money for a holiday? - Sorry, girls.
- Ah, Dennis, help yourself. - There we go.
- I see you've got a little bit put away, then? - No, but I've started saving.
Am I smelling sweeter, Jackie?
- I tried one of your banana soaps. - Not sweet enough by the looks of it.
Ah! That's my girl!
There's a raspberry soap upstairs. Try that tomorrow, huh?
- Raspberry. - Yes, raspberry. Try that.
Jackie, am I right in thinking you've booked a Caribbean cruise?
If I had the money, I wouldn't spend it floating around the Caribbean...
..when I can float in the cove for free.
For Christ's sake, Jackie,...
..would you mind telling us what you would be spending your money on, if you had any,...
Well, I'd take what I needed, Pat, and treat my friends with the rest!
(everyone toasts Jackie)
* At least when I asked them
* That's what I was told
* So I took a hand in this digging for gold
* But for all I have found there
* I might as well be
* Where the Mountains of Mourne
* Sweep down to the sea
Oh, japers, the... chickens and the whiskey were wasted!
What are you staring at?
I wasn't staring at anything.
Come on, out with it.
I know who it is. I've worked it out.
- No! - Oh, yes.
- It's you. - Me?
I think it's you...
..and I think you're having us all on.
Michael... go home!
I'll leave you in peace to count your winnings.
Here, wait a minute...
What if it's you? You never said it wasn't.
Get home! You're drunk.
Get to your bed. Get yourself a hot chocolate.
(Jackie) Get home, you hoodlum!
I've a chicken leg left over.
Oh, I'm full, Annie. Put it in the fridge for dinner tomorrow.
I counted those joints precisely. If there's a leg left over it means someone was missing.
The winner smelt a rat?
Where's my list?
Ned Devine! Ned Devine was missing.
God, Annie, did you not notice?
Make up a dinner, sweetheart, I'm going over.
I've brought you a chicken dinner!
I've brought you a chicken supper.
Ned? Ned, are you in there?
Are you in there, Ned?
You'll be cursing in heaven tonight,...
It's a winner.
At least a half a million.
He'd have spent it too.
There'd have been a mighty party.
Is there a greater twist of fate, Annie?
To win half a million, and the next minute die from the shock of it.
God rest him, the poor fella.
..the sweetest man in the world.
They say money changes a man, Jackie.
And there's no greater change than moving him from life into death.
It's the cruellest twist.
Half a million pounds!
Should we be phoning the police or the doctor?
It's a call to both, but there's nothing to do tonight.
His bedroom's as cold as any fridge they'd put him in.
Make the calls in the morning.
I think we should make room in this day for some prayers.
(both) God bless mothers and fathers, and grandparents, too,...
..aunties and uncles, friends old and new.
And dear Lord,...
..we pray tonight for a little man from Tullymore,...
As sweet a soul as ever was blessed.
..who loved his life...
..and carried a heart the size of his head within his chest.
- Amen. - Amen.
* Lux eterna
* Luceat eis, Domine
(Ned) It's delicious!
There would've been a mighty party, Jackie.
Yeah. There would indeed.
Would you... would you... would you like some chicken?
No, thanks, Ned.
Are you sure?
Are you angry?
Not at all!
Are you sure you wouldn't like some chicken? It's delicious.
No, thanks, Ned.
- Where are we going, Ned? - Into the light.
It seems far off.
Aye, but don't worry, man.
The tide'll bring us there safely.
It's a premonition, Michael!
- A vision! - It's a chicken dinner, Jackie!
It's obvious, Michael. He wants us to claim the money!
Share the chicken dinner! Share the winnings!
What a great man he was!
- Yeah, and his spirit's in my head! - What'll you do with the ticket?
He wrote his name on the back, but we pretend to be Ned...
- ..and we claim the half million. - I'm not sure, Jackie.
I couldn't be Ned. I'm no good at pretending.
I'll be Ned myself.
..Ned's no family. The money'll go unclaimed. He plays the lotto all his life,...
..and dies from the shock of winning it. Can you imagine the anger of his spirit?
Does Annie know we're going back up tonight?
No, no, she's left cuddling my pillow.
Do we report the death in the morning?
Are you thick? lf we report it and are found to be claiming, we'll be questioned for murder!
Murder is a mighty word to use at this time of night, Jackie.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry if it gives you the willies, Michael.
Watch the step.
Where is he, Jackie?
Through there. Take a look.
Jesus, there's a stink in here!
Ah, nature's taking a hold, Michael. He's been gone a few days now.
That'll be the winning smile!
With a little luck, we'll have one too.
And I always thought it would be the sea that would take him.
He survived all those storms,...
..only to be swept away by a few lottery balls.
Sweet Jesus, the man's beginning to melt!
Oh, dear God, you've slipped on his intestines!
- (Jackie laughs) - Get up!
For God's sake, Jackie! Jackie, for the love of God,...
- ..will you stop it! - Oh, be calm, Michael.
It's only a chicken dinner.
A chicken dinner?
God, I thought it was his intestines!
Well, I've never smelt intestines on my jacket before,...
..but it can't be as bad as Annie's Brussels sprouts.
- Come on, you missed a bit. - Oh, God!
The floor will need to be cleaned proper before we go.
- What time is it? - Ten to five.
- Now that the morning's on its way... - Can you clean up the chicken dinner?
There are two things to do before we go,...
..and the chicken dinner's by far the least gruesome.
Is it necessary, Jackie?
Well, it's sort of unnatural as it is, Michael.
Take hold of his mouth.
- You won't get rid of his smile like that. - Ah, you think you're awful smart.
Leave me in peace.
Finish wiping those intestines from the floor.
What expression were you thinking of?
Be quiet! I'm trying to...
Dear God! Here.
Ah, come on!
For God's sake, Jackie!
Stop, you're... You're panicking me, man!
You're panicking me!
- Now, watch he doesn't bite again. - Oh, shush!
No, it's... it's not natural. It's too grim.
You're right there.
It's in his eyes, Jackie.
You're doing a fine job there, Brendy.
- That was a storm, wasn't it? - Oh, it was.
Is Maggie around?
- She's having a bit of a lie-in after last night. - Oh, right.
Well, look, Brendy, I'll get straight in here.
I spent some time with your daughter last night.
I don't know how you feel about Finn, but I think...
- ..she deserves a lot more than a pig farmer. - Oh, Finn's not so bad.
No, he's not. You're right there. He's a good man.
But look at what I've got to offer, Brendy. I've inherited the farm now.
I'm up there, rattling around on my own. I could look after Maggie and little Maurice.
I'm looking to settle down. Plenty of girls would jump at the chance.
You're very much like your father, aren't you, Pat?
Well, now, Brendy, I'll take that as a compliment.
He was always after my wife, right up till we were married.
And as I remember... he didn't stop there.
Ah, well, that just goes to show that you both had good taste, doesn't it? Look, Brendy,...
..l know I've always had a bit of a...
..reputation with the ladies and that.
But this is different, Brendy. This is serious.
Maggie would want for nothing. There'd be no other women. She'd be well looked after.
She could stay in the village. She'd be here if you needed her.
What do you think?
- (hooter) - Come on, girl, come on!
Here you are, Lizzy. Have your choice.
- Lizzy, stop squeezing the bread! - 'Tis all stale, anyway.
It certainly is not! It came in fresh this morning.
I'll take two loaves, and pay half price due to the staleness.
..Annie is livid.
- Did she give you an earful? - She did. She locked me in me room.
She said we should never have gone back up last night.
She said we're too old for prison.
Maybe we should stop it all now, Jackie.
Come on, man, what do you say?
No, I'm all prepared. Come on.
- What's in the bag? - I pinched these from his house last night.
They're all Ned's documents - birth certificates and stuff.
Hello? National Lotto. Maureen speaking.
Yes, Maureen, hello. I'm wanting to talk to someone about a claim.
I suppose it might be the tube, Dennis, would it?
Have you seen the boys?
Not today, Annie.
Oh, I'll kill them!
Michael, we'll go down to the beach and get the stories straight.
They're sending a man from Dublin.
- Are they convinced? - They are, but there's some preparing to do.
I need to spend the night at Ned's...
..in case the lotto man comes first thing tomorrow.
What are you looking at, Maurice?
It's amazing how it just goes on and on, Father, isn't it?
On and on, into the universe and infinity.
Oh, yes, it's a marvel, isn't it?
- How are you, Father? - Oh, fine, Maurice, you know.
You don't sound so sure there.
Ah, no, it's just that...
It's been a difficult month for me, coming to a community like this.
If I was here permanently people might be...
- ..more welcoming. - How much longer have you got?
Father Mulligan should be back from Lourdes fairly soon, so then I'll be off.
You'll be missed. You've done well.
- No matter what people say. - Thank you, Maurice.
I like to think I've made an impression.
(Jackie) Go on, ask me another one.
Come on, man, use your imagination!
- How old are you, Ned? - I'm 66, sir.
- And do you have any family, Ned? - No, just myself now.
- How's Dublin? - Foggy.
This is your car. You can drop me off.
Is she fit, Brendy?
Oh! So you're not in the convertible today, then?
No, I'm not.
Maurice, be careful. There's petrol here!
(Brendy) You're a bad boy!
I told you not to be playing with matches!
Ah, you're all right.
Jesus, Brendy, keep him away from the petrol!
He needs a father.
- He's too quick for me. - He needs his real father.
- Maggie needs me too, Brendy. - Jeez, man, you're not the dad!
I am so, and Maggie knows it.
- What a mess your donkey's making! - It's a pony.
Christ, man, the stink on your donkey's arse is almost as bad as yourself.
- Ah, piss off with you. - And I will at that.
I've a date with Maurice's mother tonight.
- Haven't I, Brendy? - That's a lie.
Maggie's mine. We're just discussing it here now.
She wanted someone who could get close enough...
..to give her what she wants.
Where is it?
So, what are you going to spend your half on, Jackie?
Ah, we agreed half, did we, Michael?
No, I just sort of assumed it.
Oh, you assumed it, did you?
- Hello there! - Hello.
I think I'm lost. Do you know where Tullymore is?
You're not far off, mister.
Back up the lane, left at the end, and it's a long road that has no turning.
- Are you from the village yourself? - I am. All my life!
Would you know a Ned Devine?
- Ned Devine? - Ned Devine.
Do you know him?
I do. Is it Ned you're wanting?
- It is, yeah. - Well, I can take you to Ned Devine's house.
That'd be very good of you. Why don't you jump in the car?
Oh, sweet Jesus!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, it's hay fever. I get it every time I come down to the country.
Sorry, I'm Jim Kelly.
- Jackie O'Shea. How are you? - Not too bad, Jackie.
So it's at the end of this road and next left?
Er, no, no, no. If you're going to Ned's house,...
..then you'd better turn right and head back to the hills.
Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
Yes, I've... I've been here all my life.
Ah, now, I think there's a right turn coming up here.
Will you drive a little slower, mister, please?
Sorry, I'll try and take it easier now.
(Jim) Haven't we just been up here?
It would seem that way, but that's a different spot.
- Are you having trouble with the directions? - You're going too fast, yes.
Sorry, I thought I was taking it slower.
It's faster than a walk and I've always walked these hills in the mist and fog.
There's a left turn. Left turn here!
- No, it's a right turn, I think. - Left or right?
- No, right, right. - OK.
- What kind of business are you in? - Oh, business.
- Business? - Business.
Ned! Ned, are you in there?
I brought a man to see you! Ned!
I don't think he's in. I'd best take a look down the village.
No, no. I'll take a look round the back. He sleeps a lot in the afternoon.
- All right. - (catmiaows)
Come on, pussy.
- Where are your clothes?! - There wasn't time!
- We were knocking at the front door! - I can hear that, but it's all locked up.
You're all right. He was taking a bath there.
Thanks very much for all your help.
Oh, no problem at all. No problem.
(door lock clicking)
Ned, I'm sorry to get you out of your bath,...
..but there's a man to see you.
Can I come in, Mr Devine? It's rather personal. I'm Jim Kelly.
- You called my office in Dublin this morning. - Oh, I see.
Why don't you invite us in, Ned, so the man can tell you his business?
I-I-In you come.
I think it's best if we're left alone now.
- Thanks again. - Right you are.
- Watch your head. - All right.
All the best, then. All the best!
Would it be better if I was dressed, Mr Kelly?
It would indeed, Ned. You take your time.
Do you have any family living nearby, Ned?
..I'm all on my own now.
Do you have much family yourself, Mr Kelly?
Oh, I do. Too much at times, if you know what I mean.
We've got three kids now, so there's always aunties, uncles and cousins coming over...
..wanting to visit.
- Were you a fisherman by any chance, Ned? - Oh, yes.
I was at sea, man and boy.
This was my father's cottage originally. He used to run a boat...
What do you think?
You can't wear that!
You have to be careful. Winning the lotto can bring as much bad luck as it can good.
It's a shame you have no family.
(Jackie) Oh, you're doing grand. Grand.
Don't be worrying now. You'll have the lotto man...
..twisted round your little finger.
- Oh! Holy Mother of God! - What?
You'll have to be careful of your friends after the win.
The winning ticket is in my little bag. My little bag has been left in the phone box.
Do you understand what I'm saying? You'll have to watch your friends.
Ah, there we are, Ned. Ready for business.
Will you have a whiskey, Mr Kelly?
I won't, thank you, but you help yourself.
Well, Ned, the reason I'm here...
..is that sometimes when people learn just how much they have won, they get a shock.
Oh, yes. Oh, that I can imagine.
..I expect now you'll want to know just how much you have won.
Oh, and you'd be in a position to tell me that, would you, Jim?
I can tell you exactly how much. Do you have your ticket?
Will you excuse me just a minute, Jim?
I have a bit of an upset tummy coming on.
- (door opens) - Are you all right there?
Oh, yes. I'm sorry about that.
- It must be the excitement. - Of course.
Where were we?
Oh, yes, the ticket.
There he is. There's the winner.
What a famous little chap he is.
Big win, is it?
..you've won... six million, eight hundred and ninety-four thousand,...
..six hundred and twenty pounds!
How do you feel?
Take your time now, there's no rush.
It's a great shock to the system. Just give yourself a moment to get used to the idea.
So, what do you think, Ned?
- Ah... - Well, it was a rollover week.
The jackpot wasn't won last week, so they carried it over, and you're the only winner.
Were you aware of that?
OK. Look, naturally enough, with a claim this size,...
..there's a lot of forms to be filled out, and we can do that today if you like.
But I can go and come back another day if you'd prefer.
No, no, no, no,...
..fill them in now, Jim.
Right. Well, let's have a look.
What sort of a game is this?
- Shush, will you? Shush, shush! - Don't you shush me!
Michael's in there with the man from the lotto.
Can I have your full name and date of birth, please, Ned?
Ned Patrick Devine,...
..seventeenth of July, 1931.
Six pounds, two ounces.
OK. Now I'll need to find...
..your social insurance number.
I know it off by heart, Jim.
(laughs) That's wonderful, Ned!
You let Michael go in there on his own? Jackie, he's never told a lie in his life.
Well, he's making up for it now, so.
Right, Ned. It shouldn't be long before I can issue the cheque.
Don't take too long now, Jim. I'll be losing interest on that money!
Right, I'd best get back to Dublin. There's a lot of paperwork to be sorted out.
- Mind your head. - I will, thanks.
You did write your name on the back of the ticket?
- Oh, I did indeed. - Very sensible of you.
- Means no-one else can claim it. - Right!
Only thing is, it means it'll take a bit longer. I have to come back to make some enquiries.
To make sure that you are Ned Devine.
Oh, well, congratulations, Ned.
Take care now.
- Are we rich, man? - Or are you off to prison?
We're not rich, and I'm off to prison soon enough.
But I saw his face when he left. He thinks you're Ned.
He believes it now, but he's coming back in a few days to ask questions in the village.
- But all that laughing! - Jackie,...
..the winnings is almost seven million.
God in heaven! And this is how Ned must have felt coming so close to a fortune.
At least we've not woken up dead in heaven!
You're alive, with prison to go to.
If I'd have known how much was won,...
..I'd never have started in the first place.
Oh, Lord, this is getting awful serious.
Oh, God, you did well today, man.
Me and the whiskey.
But Annie is still livid.
Ah, she'll come round.
What a performance that was!
Your Jessy would have been proud of you.
That she would. God bless her.
I'd swear she was there today.
But Jessy or not, I can't keep it up.
Are we off to prison?
Ned doesn't want us in prison,...
..but I can't believe he wants us to be multimillionaires either.
Was any of this in the dream?
No, this is for you and me to work out, Michael.
- Good night to you. - Good night.
Finn, are you there?
Of course I'm here.
- I'm always here. - I thought I'd come up and see you.
I thought I'd come up and see you.
- Right. - Are you all right?
Are you sure?
Full of the joys, boys.
What have you been doing?
I've been thinking.
What have you been thinking?
Oh, I've had a few thoughts.
I thought about punching Pat Mulligan in the face last night.
I thought about telling Maurice I was the real father. And I thought...
- ..strawberry soap'd make all the difference. - Finn, I love you. You know that, don't you?
If it weren't for the pigs, I'd marry you tomorrow.
It's all been said before.
Anyway, I quite like working with the pigs!
I get very attached to them. Despite the smell.
He's promising to look after me.
Me and... Maurice.
Do you mean look after, or do you mean pay for?
Maurice belongs with his real father!
Or is Pat Mulligan the father? Is that what all this is about?
- No. I'm sorry, Finn. - Well, will you tell me?!
I have to go.
Is he mine, Maggie?
You're a country boy, Jackie.
Do you think you can outsmart the man from the city?
I know what Ned wants, Annie.
- I'm sure of it now. - Jackie, Ned is dead.
The game's moved beyond talk of dreams and spirits.
A crime has been committed. It's a fraud.
I don't want you... worrying about me.
I'm not worried about you, Jackie.
You'll manage. I think I could probably manage.
But if anything happens to Michael, then God help you, Jackie.
For he will suffer.
How much am I worth to you, Jackie?
How much? How much for Michael? For the farm?
For God's sake, what are you going to do with...
..seven million pounds?
- I know... - No.
You're on your own from now on.
I'm not a great man for telling things the way they are.
I've been known to add a little colour to stories for the benefit of those...
..that'll listen. Yet here tonight,...
..l can swear that all I've told you...
The money will be claimed and divided equally between the fifty-two of us.
Now, I was wrong to think I could claim the money myself.
That's not what Ned wants.
He wants us to share the winnings.
A nest egg for us all.
So now if the lotto man comes to the village,...
..you say that Ned Devine is alive and well,...
..and you point your finger...
..to Michael O'Sullivan.
- Jackie? - Yes, darling?
How will we recognise the lotto man when he comes?
- He sneezes? - Sneezes. He gets hay fever...
..when he's in the country.
Enough of the sneezing. How much has been won?
Yes, yes, in a minute.
..everyone in favour of claiming the money...
..should visit me before sunset tomorrow.
If we're not all committed,...
..there'll be no claim.
I'll make my way to Dublin to face the authorities alone.
How much has been won?
..we move on to the claim itself.
The total amount of the jackpot, the total which will be...
..claimed and divided into shares of fifty-two,...
..is six million,...
..eight hundred and ninety-four thousand,...
..six hundred and twenty pounds!
What changed your mind?
You're no good to me in prison.
A hundred and thirty thousand pounds each!
If they come, they'll be coming for the money, not for the spirit of Ned Devine.
If it's claimed and spent at all, he'll rest in peace.
If you go to prison,...
..this'll be our last night together for...
Then let's not waste it in sleeping.
* lf I had money
* Enough to spend
* And leisure time to sit a while
* There is a fair maid in this town
* That surely has my heart beguiled
* Her rosy cheeks and ruby lips
* I own she has me heart enthralled
(Annie) Will you bring us up a cup oftea?
Annie, is there any milk?
You'll have to go to the post office!
- Morning! - How are you doing?
- Hello. - Hello, Kitty.
Now, Kitty, do you remember who I am?
I do, Michael. You're Ned Devine.
Good girl yourself. Give her a drink, Annie.
..I'll sign... on one condition.
Well, we'd not really counted on conditions.
- Oh, it's only a very small one, Jackie. - Go on.
Of course you can. No problem at all.
Oh, thank you, Jackie!
There we are. Number thirty-eight.
- We're nearing the finishing line. - Well done, Kitty.
Thank you, Michael.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Was it a big condition, Jackie?
Not at all. You're having dinner with her next week.
Hey, hey! Hey!
Dennis, you've jumped the queue. What is it?
Jackie, it won't work.
We're claiming a cheque that can't be cashed. Ned doesn't have a bank account.
- What? - I used to work at the bank.
It's not easy cashing such a mighty cheque.
Mrs Kennedy can't cash seven million at the post office!
We open a cheque account, in advance,...
..offshore, maybe Jersey,...
..and deposit £50. It's a joint account in the name of...
- Slow. - ..Ned Devine and Jackie O'Shea.
- I'll pretend to be Ned and you'll be yourself. - Slowly, slowly.
Now, the account's open a week,...
..Jackie puts Ned's cheque in.
He then uses his own signature on the joint account to share out the winnings.
It's as close as you'd want to get, boy.
- Do you understand it? - Not a word.
- Sit just there and keep looking at the water. - Where?
- Just there. - What am I supposed to be looking for?
Just sit there,...
..and keep quiet.
Do you think Father Mulligan will approve of all this lotto business when he gets back?
If you can fill the collection box and mend the church roof, he'll be over the moon.
- Do you think so? - I do.
And what about Tullymore?
What happens if everyone decides to... Well, to move away and...
..set up somewhere more glamorous with their winnings.
Nah. The winnings will be spent at Fitzgerald's.
A hundred thousand in the pub?
It's probably been spent already.
Vodka tonic, gin and tonic, Bailey's. Where's Tom's Babycham?
All right! All right! I'm coming now! Would you give me a chance!
I've only got one pair of hands!
Just a minute. Hold on, hold on. Who's paying for this?
Who's paying for this lot now?
(all) I will!
I never thought I'd see the day!
We should give her the day.
The sun's almost set.
- Are we done? - (clicking)
Michael, is your phone working?
Oh, God, no, they're all down, since the storm.
- We're missing one. - But the village is already celebrating.
It's Lizzy Quinn.
Lizzy Quinn, the witch.
God, if the village finds out, she'll burn.
(Jackie) That's far enough.
We don't want to frighten her.
Right, what have we got?
Well, I've her toaster here. It's all mended and tested.
- Good man. - And I've got some cat food.
Grand. And I've got something for her myself.
- Will I make you a nice cup of tea, Lizzy? - No!
Should Jackie get the fire going?
I'm not cold.
I brought you a little treat, Lizzy, to have with your tea. Some nice coconut creams.
No, thank you. So you came to get my name on your paper?
Yours is the only one missing, Lizzy. The whole village is waiting for the news.
Give me your list.
- And I'm the only one missing, you say? - (Michael) You are.
Lizzy, t'would be good for the village.
Did you know that if you report a fraud to the lotto, you'll get ten per cent of the winnings?
Have you spoken to the lotto?
I'm not stupid enough to be bought by your coconut creams.
And I'm not stupid enough to call the lotto. But ten per cent is £670,000.
How could you bear to live in the village if you did a thing like that?
The whole lot of us'll be in prison.
Well, there's your answer. There'd be no-one here to be bothered by.
You see, I'm after more than a nest egg, Jackie.
As I'm the only one that hasn't signed, I figure there's some bargaining to be done.
You're a right witch, aren't you, Lizzy?
This is my offer.
(Jackie) And in death be there some peace.
An angel will cry with choir and sing...
..to lift out the spirit that purity brings.
- Amen. - Amen.
So she'll sign for a million?
A million! She'll sign for the same as us or get nothing at all.
- What if she calls the lotto? - Will we call it off?
Oh, don't mind her, boys. She's trying it on. Don't mind her.
(mournful pipe music)
Please be seated.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Ned Devine.
..meant something to you all.
..in his passing,...
..he has made sure that he has left a little something...
..for you all.
When we think of Ned's life,...
..when we think of the manner in which he was taken from us,...
..we may find ourselves thinking that he was taken unfairly.
* Lux eterna
* Luceat eis, Domine
* Et lux perpetua
* Luceat eis
- As we look back on the life of... - (door creaks)
As we look back on the life of...
Who is he?
..was my great friend.
But I don't ever remember telling him that.
The words that are spoken at a funeral...
..are spoken too late for the man that is dead.
What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral.
To sit at the front...
..and hear what was said.
Maybe to say a few things yourself.
Michael and l...
..grew old together.
But at times,...
..when we laughed, we grew younger.
If he was here now,...
..if he could hear what I say,...
..I'd congratulate him on being...
..a great man.
And thank him for being a friend.
Oh, for God's sake!
He must have been a great man, this Michael fellow.
He had his faults.
Hello there, Ned. Are you well?
Not bad, Jim. Not bad.
Jackie. I'm sorry about interrupting like that earlier.
Jackie knows about our little bit of business.
Good. I'm glad you have a friend you can confide in.
And will you be making your enquiries today?
Oh, no. The village says that you're Ned, so that's good enough for me.
I can issue you with the cheque today. Although, are you sure this is a good time?
It is, Jim. As good as any.
- You wouldn't like a drink, Jim? - No.
- No. - I'd best leave you alone now, Ned.
Tighten up your strings, boys.
Oh, that's great, Jim.
- Mind your head there now. - Will do now.
The best of luck, Ned. Call me if you need any advice.
- Right. - Watch out for your friends.
- Don't spend all your money in one go. - No, I wouldn't do that.
- Jackie, good luck to you. - Ah, good luck, man.
- Look after himself now. - I will, I will.
- Best of luck! - Thanks, Jim.
Finn... you're stinking!
- Oh, sorry, Maggs. - Stinking rich!
No more pigs.
No more pigs, Maggie!
Ah, come for a ball, girl!
You've beautiful calves.
- Any news from the witch? - No, Brendy.
- I heard the last from her. - What if she calls the lotto?
She won't call.
Anyway, the phones are down. What's she gonna do? Walk to Dublin?
I'm watching you, fella.
Go on, boys!
Come on, boys!
Get your hands off those!
- Hello. - How are you?
All right, darling. I was just looking at your man.
Jackie, would you say Maurice needed a father more than seven million pounds?
I'd say he needed a father more than fifty million.
That's what I thought.
But what are you saying? How would he be entitled to the money?
Ned does have a family, Jackie.
You'll not tell a soul now.
- Maurice is the millionaire? - Yeah!
He treated me better than any man before.
You must take it all, Maggie.
Take it all. Put it away for yourself...
- ..and the boy. - No, no. Maurice can do without it.
Besides, Finn would know he wasn't the father. I can do without the millions,...
..but I can't afford to lose Finn.
Sure, £130,000 each is plenty.
- Slàinte! - Slàinte!
(Jackie) Come on, we're almost at the top!
Sleep it off later like the rest of them.
- Do we all have a drink? - Here, Maurice.
Take a drink...
..and remember the man.
Then raise your spirits to the sky!
Raise them to Ned Devine!
God bless you, Ned!
And may we be forever in your debt.
To Ned Devine!
* Fill to me the parting glass
* And drink a health whate'er befalls
* Then gently rise and softly call
* Good night and joy be to you all
* Of all the comrades that e'er I had
* They're sorry for my going away
* And all the sweethearts that e'er I had
* They'd wish me one more day to stay
* Since it fell into my lot
* That I should rise and you should not
* I gently rise and softly call
* Good night and joy be to you all!
* But since it fell into my lot
* That I should rise and you should not
* I gently rise and softly call
* Good night and joy be to you all
* So fill to me the parting glass
* And drink a health whate'er befalls
* Then gently rise and softly call
* Good night and joy be to you all!
Visiontext Subtitles by Helen Stewart
Wag The Dog
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