What Women Want CD1
Do you know|the expression ''a man's man'' ?
A man's man|is the leader of the pack.
The kind of man other men|look up to, admire and emulate.
A man's man|is the kind of man who...
just doesn 't get|what women are about.
Nick, my ex-husband,|is the ultimate man's man.
I probably never|should have married him.
I don't think he understood|a thing about me.
So, this is Nick Marshall's office.|Wanna peek ?
Don't worry.|He never gets in before 10:00.
He'll send you on more errands than|anyone in the entire company...
'cause he can't do|anything for himself.
He's the least politically|correct guy in the universe.
He's the king of all|the T & A ads we do.
You want babes in bikinis ?|He's your man.
My dad ? How can I|best describe him ?
He's always been...|like an uncle to me.
Yeah, Uncle Dad.
Although,|Nick was a charmer.
Completely irresistible|at first,
which feeds into|the whole ''man's man'' thing.
You know about|Nick's mother, right ?
Because once you understand|about Nick's mother,
you understand Nick.
Nick was actually|born and raised in Las Vegas.
Nick's mother was a real,|honest-to-God Las Vegas showgirl.
When otherboys were outside|riding their bikes and playing ball,
Nick was backstage|hanging with the girls.
He was their mascot,|their little pet.
They couldn 't get enough|of those baby blues.
- Bang ! Bang !
lf you ask me, I'd say Nick's|mother just about killed it...
for every woman|Nick would ever meet.
She had a lot of sugardaddies|in her life,
but only one true love--
the boy|with the family jewels.
17, 18, 19, 20.|Let me see that, kid.
And since Nick|didn 't have a father,
his mom made sure he was always|surrounded by strong role models.
- Come here, huh ?
- Men her boy could look up to.|- Now you're ready, huh ?
Keep countin', kid.
There was nothing normal about|the way Nick Marshall was raised.
So, what can you expect ?
You don't have to be Freud|to figure out...
this was one cockeyed way|to enter the world.
Don't you ever knock ?
It's almost 10:00. You gotta go|to work, and I gotta vacuum in here.
And don't forget - Another one|who wears vanilla perfume.
Don't you know any women|who don't want to smell like candy ?
- Toss me my lighter, babe ?|- Babe ?
What am I,|a little pig ?
I don't have time|to make you no onion bagel,
so please do not start|to beg, okay ?
And for the record, l don't like|finding these things in your sofa.
What kind of woman|wears underwear like this ?
Hey, my mother wore|underwear like that.
Just put them somewhere,|will you, babe ?
Well, ''babe'' is gonna put it|in the trash where it belongs.
- So, your mother should excuse me.
Did you ever consider dating|a woman who wears real underwear?
The kind that covers the entire|bottom the way it's supposed to ?
- No. But if I do, should I call ?|- Oh !
I'm gonna go clean|the kitchen.
You couldn't toast me|a little bagel, could you ?
Light cream cheese, tomatoes.|Capers if we have any.
Please! Come on.|l can't think on an empty stomach.
Okay. Allright. But only because|you didn 't call me that pig name.
Okay, you got it, babe.
Mr. Marshall,|how are you doing today ?
- I'm fit as a dancing bear.|- I'll get that cab for you.
- That's some set of pipes you got.
- You have an excellent day, sir.|- And you.
- Oh, oh, I'm so sorry !
I absolutely|did not mean to do that.
- Here. Let me get that for you.|- It's okay.
No, I'm mortified.|I can see your hands are full.
- Thank you.|- Sorry. Let me get the door.
- Thank you.|- Thank you.
Halfcup, grande, nonfat,|thick foam, wet cap, no lid.
''Halfcaff,'' grande, nonfat,|thick foam, wet cap, no lid.
- So, when do you find out ?|- Um, today, I think.
Unless I didn't get it, and then|I will just never find out.
I'm sure I didn't get it. They were|looking for an ''earth mother'' type.
I overheard the director|say I was more space cadet.
I'm an actress.|I can be whatever you want.
- Is that true, can you ?|- Oh, better be true.
Otherwise, I'm stuck playing ditsy|coffee girl the rest of my life.
Thank you.|Hon ? Thanks.
Oh ! Hi, Nick. Hi.
Oh, Lola, my love. When are you|gonna let me buy you dinner ?
Nick, I don't know why you don't|believe me. I'm not your type.
Trust me on this one. Cappuccino,|extra foam. Tall or grande ?
Grande. Or at least|I like to think so.
- Next.|- You know, rumor has it...
I'm getting some really|big news at work today.
At least come out with me.|Celebrate. I'll buy you a coffee.
Memo to you:|I work in a coffee shop.
Hi. What can I get you ?
- Hi. I'll take--|- Want me to stop asking you out ?
Sorry. This will|just take a sec.
Because, Lola,|give me the word and I'll stop.
Yes, I'm gonna give you the word|because I'm an actress.
Or at least I'm trying to be one.|I'm trying to concentrate on that.
So, you know, it would be|a good thing, if you wouldn't mind,
to stop asking me out !
Honey, you seem|so stressed.
I am stressed.|I have a lot on my plate.
So, let's not talk|about this now.
Why don't I meet you here,|say, tomorrow ? 10:00 ? 10:30 ?
- Okay, that would be good.|- So, that's a date ?
It's a date.|Thank you.
Sir,|that was inspiring.
Good morning, Sloane-Curtis.
- Good morning, Mr. Marshall.|- Hi, honey.
- What's the dirt ?|- I was at breakfast this morning--
- Hey, Norm ! You winning ?|- Of course.
I heard Miller's shopping around,|looking for a new agency.
Miller Lite. I know.|I'm all over it.
Also, I heard Darcy McGuire left|B.B.D. & O. Good morning, Angela.
-You're kidding. Left or was fired ?|-I don't know.
Everyone there|is thrilled to get rid of her.
Well, so much for|edgy female vision.
So, that girl we met|last night at the club,
nothing happened after|you put her in the cab, right ?
It did ?|Something happened ?
But she said she had to|be in bed early.
I had her in bed by 11:00.|Or was it quarter to ?
You - You're like a genius,|you know that ?
What can I tell you, buddy ? I'm|blessed. And today is my lucky day.
Not only is my ex-wife remarrying--|right now, as a matter of fact--
but Wanamaker called me himself,|wanted to see me first thing.
- Called twice to confirm.|- Call me when he makes it official.
It's not gonna be as easy to suck up|to ''creative director,'' you know.
Not to worry. I'll make us a lunch|rez at the Drake to celebrate.
Don't count your chickens,|huh ? 1:00 ?
Pick you up.
Can I borrow this ?
- Hey, Dina.|- Hi.
Do you know the difference|between a wife and a job ?
- What is it ?|- After ten years, job still sucks.
- That's a good one, huh ?
I wouldn't do that if I were you.|That's not a good idea, no.
- Oh, Mr. Marshall, hi.|- Hey.
I put the storyboards on your desk.|Picked up your shoes from Barney's.
Got your glasses fixed.|There was no charge.
This morning's staff meeting|was cancelled.
And I got your cigarettes.|They're next to your laptop.
This morning's staff meeting|was cancelled.
- That's what I was told.|- Hmm.
Good morning, girls.
Good afternoon, sire.
Hey, anybody know why|the staff meeting was cancelled ?
Nobody called us.
Oh, but Mr. Wanamaker wants|to see you as soon as you get in,
which I told his office|was 15 minutes ago.
- I know.|- You couldn't show up on time ?
You know you're being promoted.|But you look very sharp, by the way.
- Thank you.|- Like a creative director.
- Very distinguished.
You able to handle yourselves|on the 44th floor ? Be truthful.
Are you kidding ?|We were made for the 44th floor.
Now, get up there already,|so we can break out the bubbly.
- Don't wait up.|- Don't wait up.
- He's so adorable.|- He says the cutest things.
Sorry, buddy. I was in the board|meeting that would never end.
- Have you been here long ?|- A couple minutes. That's all.
Jess, can I get a cup of decaf|and a couple Tylenol?
And see if we got any Echinacea.|And I need some club soda.
I got something on my tie.|Know what ?Just get me another tie.
I saw the mock-ups you did for|Johnny Walker. They're fantastic.
Oh, that's my job, Dan.
So, you know l'm not great|at making speeches,
especially when I haven't|got you to write them for me.
So, I'll do my best. I've been|in this racket over 30 years.
Let me tell you something,|it doesn't get any easier.
As a matter of fact,|it gets harder and harder.
The '80s|were our glory days.
They were all about|alcohol, tobacco and cars.
I felt like|I was on top of my game.
And then in the '90s, men stopped|dominating how dollars were spent,
and we lost our compass.
Women between 16 and 24 are|the fastest-growing consumer group.
Girls who were born in the mid-'80s|control our advertising dollars.
Sorry. No Echinacea.|Hi, Nick.
- Hey.|- Red or lavender?
Red. No, no, lavender.|That'sgood.
Lavender's good. While we've been|shooting beer commercials...
with the Swedish bikini team,|the industry has been transformed.
We were the agency in town|ten years ago.
Now we're struggling|to be third.
lf we don't evolve and think|beyond our naturalability,
we're gonna go down.
''Think beyond our natural -''|I'm not quite clear what you mean.
What do you know|about Darcy McGuire ?
Oh, hey, l heard on the whisper|she just left B.B.D. & O.
I never met the woman, but|I hear she's a real man-eater.
She won that Cleo last year we|should have won for the add about--
Oh, yeah, right.|That was her ? I forgot about that.
Yeah, I wish I had. Oh, boy, I hear|she is a bitch on wheels.
- That's very funny.|- Yeah, why ?
'Cause I just hired her.
To do what ?
You know I love you, Nick,|but it's a woman's world out there.
Getting into a women's psyche|is not exactly your strong suit.
You can get into their pants|better than anybody on Earth,
but their psyche|is a whole other ball game.
You hired Darcy McGuire|to do what ?
She hasn't done it on her own yet,|but somebody was gonna grab her.
And she's smart, Nick.|She's very smart.
You made her creative director,|didn't you ?
Sorry. This isn't easy, but I got|the board breathing down my neck.
She's coming in this afternoon.|You'll meet her.
- Come on. Roll with this.
Work with her because she's got what|I need to keep this place afloat.
She's got what you need,|meaning she's a woman.
You know how we can|compete with that ?
He's coming. He's coming.|He's coming.
Not so fast, girls.|Put it on ice.
We'll break it out soon.
We're not moving|to the 44th floor ?
- Oh.|- Okay, Gigi, one more.
Gigi, your ex is here.
Honey, you look like...|$48 million.
- May I kiss the bride ?|- Sure.
- Nick.|- Nick ! Ted.
Congratulations, Ted.|You're a lucky man.
Well, thanks.|I happen to agree.
So, you're going on a cruise.|Two weeks, huh ?
Well, actually, the cruise|is just the last week.
Alexandra has an itinerary,|and I faxed one...
to your office yesterday,|to your apartment last week.
Ted's office has one,|as does the school.
-In case I've fallen off the planet?|-You never know.
Hey, here she is. Pretty in pink.|So, two whole weeks together?
- Yeah, how you gonna handle it ?|- l'm gonna love it.
You can take care of your old man.|Cook for me. Get my slippers.
- Yeah, that'll be happening.|- Alexandra has a boyfriend now.
- Mom !|- So he won't be surprised.
You have a boyfriend ?|You're only 13 years old.
Am I ?|I thought I was 15.
We're gonna be fiine.
Look, I wanna meet Cameron.
- Okay if I meet Dad at his place ?|- Is it all right ?
- Yeah, well, I -|- What time ?
8:00. 9:00, maybe ?
- 7:30.|- Okay.
- Bye, Mom.|- Oh, honey. I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you too.|Ted, have a good time.
- Bye, pumpkin.|- Bye.
- Nick.|- Honey.
Yeah, 7:30's fine.|Thanks for asking.
And the name's Dad.
- Here you go.|- Thanks.
-Hey, I heard. I can't believe this.|-My next headache.
Don't worry.|We'll get through it.
Everyone, everyone,|meet Darcy McGuire.
- Oh, jeez.
- My goodness. Everybody showed up.|- Darcy, how are you ?
- Nice to see you. Hi !|- Pleasant surprise.
- God, what a small world.|- Welcome aboard.
I'm so glad to meet you.
Hello. I'm Darcy.
Hi. I'm Nick Marshall.
Oh, I've heard|a lot about you, Nick.
-I've heard a lot about you too.|-Don't worry, can't all be true.
Let's hope not.
Hey, standing room only.|It's a first.
I'm very, very excited for you all|to meet Darcy McGuire.
-Darcy's extraordinary reputation...
as a leader in the field|precedes her.
At B.B.D. & O., Darcy led|a creative team...
that snagged $500 million|in new business wins.
And that was|just last year alone.
At Sloane-Curtis, we've prided|ourselves on our strategic thinking.
Now it's time for us to step up|and prove ourselves creatively...
in the marketplace.
And l'm thrilled that Darcy|has consented to move across town,
join our team and lead us|into the 21st century.
Thank you, Dan.
And thank you all|for that warm welcome.
Let me start off by saying|the feeling is mutual.
I am absolutely|thrilled to be here.
When I first started|in this business, it was my dream...
to work at Sloane-Curtis.
I even believe I applied|for a job here twice.
- Somebody call personnel.
But it was B.B.D. & O.|that offered me a home.
And what I learned there|was that any success I had...
was a direct result of the team|of people that I work with.
I know that two heads|are better than one.
I know that five heads|are better than two.
And I know that if we put our heads|and our hearts into this company,
we will deliver,|I know that.
Now, I love challenges.|I love hard work.
I look forward to sitting at this|very table tossing ideas around...
until what I fear will be|the wee hours of the morning.
I want the work we do|to say something about who we are.
- How we think, what we feel.|- I'm sorry.
So, as our friends in Hollywood say,|''Let's cut to the chase.''
How are we gonna turn|this company around ?
When Sears decided to go|after women in their advertising...
and said, ''Come see|the softer side of Sears,''
their revenues|went up 30%.
Thirty percent.|That's huge.
Female-driven advertising|totalled $40 billion last year.
And Sloane-Curtis' share|of that was ?
If you want to sell|an anti-wrinkle cream...
or a Ford Mustang|to a woman - forgive me-
but this is the last place|you bring your business.
And we can't afford to not have|a piece of a $40 billion pie.
So, I have put together|a little kit for everybody.
Nobody panic.|This is supposed to be fun.
Every product in this box|is looking for new representation...
right now, and they're|all made for women.
l'm pretty sure all the women here|are familiar with these products,
so for the men let's just|briefly run through them.
- Here you go, Nick.
Each kit contains|anti-wrinkle cream,
bath beads,|quick-dry nailpolish,
an at-home waxing kit,|a more wonderful Wonderbra,
- a pregnancy test, hair volumizer,|- Oh, sorry.
pore cleansing strips,|Advil,
control-top pantyhose|and a Visa card.
Now I want everybody|to come up with something--
for one product, for two,|the whole box-- whatever moves you.
We'll get together tomorrow,|have a little show-and-tell.
How's 8:30 for everybody ?
Great. See you at 8.:30|tomorrow morning.
Read my lips -
- Miss, miss, miss !
That's another 500 bucks.
- We play our dangerous game.
A game of chess...|against our old adversary.
''Adversary'' ?|Surely you mean adversary, old boy ?
Vinaigrette|for arugula salad.
- ...women's political caucus.|- Tuck the pelvis under. Lifting.
Buns of steel.
I'd steal her buns|if I could.
Here it comes.|Yes, he nailed the dismount !
Now let's check in|on the women's finals.
There's way too much estrogen|on television these days.
And as we all know,|the perfect antidote for estrogen...
Oh, I need some Frank.
Help me, buddy.|Help me now.
- Don't panic.
This is supposed to be fun.
- Okay. Okay, I can do this.
I'm a professional.
Lipstick. All right.
Lipstick on a guy's collar ?|No, no, women will hate that.
Lipstick on a guy's collar|that won't rub off.
No, that's even worse.
Okay, okay, okay,|I gotta think like a broad.
All right, I'm a broad.
I see lipstick...
on a dark-haired|Tahitian beauty,
standing under a waterfall,|wearing nothing but a thong.
Water cascading|down her back.
I'm a lesbian.
I gotta change the music.
I wonder. I wonder.
Oh, Alex, thank you.
Ah, jackpot !
Oh, she's hot.
- You go, girl.
- Looks like big dandruff.
Smooth, yeah, smooth.|Oh, cool.
Wow, mascara.|Here we go.
Nice, thick lashes.
Ow ! Ow ! Shit, that stings !|What the fu--
Okay, fine. Well, I need|some anesthetic here.
for the piece de resistance,|we have--
We have the right leg.|Yes, excellent.
And the hot, hot wax.|Very hot wax.
Here we go.
Jeez ! Ooh, that's hot.
Okay, test of manhood.|Here we go.
Okay, we passed.
And next... we immediately apply|disposable cloth...
over the waxed... area.
Yeah... it feels|kinda nice, yeah.
I don't know why women complain|about waxing their legs.
''In one smooth motion,|yank the strip quickly...
in the opposite direction|of the hair growth.''
No, no,|that would be north.
One, two, three.
Women are insane.|Who would do that more than once ?
I don't know. Why would|anybody even do the other leg ?
Ah, yes,|that's right, girls.
Wax it off|and cover it up.
Yeah. Ally-oop !|Ooh, wait.
Oh, shit !|I guess this takes a little finesse.
One down, two to go.
Honey, you just lost|yourself five pounds.
All right, where's my Wonderbra ?
- Let's see which end is up here.
- Hi !|- What are you doing ?
- Yo.|- You must be, um--
Cameron, my boyfriend.|This is Nick.
- Her father.|- That's nice nail polish you got.
Yeah, I'm just doing a new|research thing at work, you know.
- Get into the female psyche--|- Whatever.
I should probably|take off.
- No, you don't have to.|- It's cool. I'll see you later.
- Bye.|- Bye.
- I'll call you.|- Okay.
Nice meeting you, eh ?
- Excuse me. Did you kiss that guy ?|- Where did you get this ?
- Your zipper thing. You're kissing?|- You went through my stuff !
I needed some music.|It was just sitting there.
What are you, allergic to listening?|You never listen when I talk.
If I'm stuck staying here, then|my stuff's gonna be around, okay ?
I don't want you to just|go through everything.
- I don't listen to you ?|- You think you listen to me.
- Yeah.|- You do ?
What's my boyfriend's name ?
- Good night.|- No, no, wait, come back.
Dustin is his name.|Dustin, that's his name.
Right ? No.|Don't slam the--
Carmen. Carmine !|Carmine !
- Carmichael !
I can't remember a guy's name, they|figure you're not listening to them.
What do women want ?
I know it has three syllables.
Cameron.|His name is Cameron !
Oh, Jesus.|That's so dangerous.
Ninety percent|of all accidents happen--
Oh, what the hell|has he done now ?
I hope he's not dead.
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine, I think.
Are you sure ?
Cleaner pores.|Thicker hair.
Very weird headache.|Really weird.
Now I gotta clean up bras|and home pregnancy tests ?
The man doesn't pay me enough|for the things I have to do.
Oh, Jesus,|he's wearing panty hose ?
Now he's a cross-dresser ?
I was just experimenting with a few|products from work, all right ?
- Did I say anything ?|- Oh, God, it's 8:00 already.
To sleep till 8:00. He'd fire|my ass if I wasn't here to wake him.
Whew, are we|in a mood today.
Same as every other day.
Honey, make me a little bagel|with cream cheese.
You know I can't think|on an empty stomach.
For your information,|I'm not even hungry.
Who said you were ?
- Mr. Marshall.|- Good morning, Flo.
Let me get you|a cab, sir.
- Thank you, Flo.
You're welcome, my little sweet ass.
What did you say ?
Me ? Nothing.
- You sure ?|- Yes, sir.
You know what ?|I think I'll walk today.
- I could use a little fresh air.|- Have a great day, sir...
with your fine ass|looking like Shaft !
Whew ! I could just|ride that puppy !
Watch where you're going.
- You okay, sir ?|- Fine. I'm fine.
Did I turn the coffee maker off?l|walked over, but did I turn it off?
l can't remember. I saw the light,|but did I turn the switch off?
-What ? What ?|-One kiss doesn't make me a lesbian.
- Does it ?|- What ?
- Hmm ?|- Oh, sorry.
Two slices of toast, 150 calories,|plusa tab and a half of butter,
Estrogen is good for the heart|but bad for the breasts.
- What ?|- My kid doesn't need Ritalin.
- Get him to listen to what I say.|- Monsieur, I need to poop.
Oh, boy !
- Aah !
Oh, God,|he nearly killed me.
Too bad he missed.
- Good morning.|- Good mor--
Don't look up. He'll make me|hear another disgusting joke.
He's such a schmuck.
She thinks I'm a schmuck ?
Whoa, lighten up|on that aftershave, buddy.
Oh, what ? Oh, yeah,|like you've got the perfect body ?
- Hi, Mr. Marshall.|- No, no, don't say it.
What ? I was going to tell you|the Gillette budget's on your desk.
And I went out last night and|got you that Merlot that you wanted.
Here's|your credit card back.
- You okay ?|- Me ? Yeah.
Do you realize that I have|an lvy League education...
and that running your stupid|errands has put me into therapy ?
Take me seriously and give me|some real work to do.
Oh, yeah, I remember why.|Because I have a vagina !
- Aah !|- Anything else I can get for you ?
Oh, good, you're on time.
- Morning.|- You look a little different.
You know, I think|maybe it's his hair.
- It looks thicker, doesn't it ?|- Gimme your coat.
- Oh, oh, okay.|- Mmm, you smell good today.
- New cologne ?|- No.
Th-That's it ?|No other thoughts ?
- What do you mean ?|- You feeling all right, doll ?
''Linens, linings,|loans, locks.''
- Hello, Nick ?
Uh, Nick ?|We gotta go.
What are you doing ?|It's 8:30.
Can't go. Gotta find a doctor.|Need a cure. Can't go.
- Definitely can't go.|- You sound like the guy from Shine.
- What's wrong with you ?|- I don't need a doctor.
Maybe I need,|like, an exorcist.
Under ''E'' for exorcist.
There are no exorcists|in the greater Chicago area.
Let's pull it together and sell|some sensitive feminine shit, okay ?
Sorry to interrupt.|Here you go.
By the way, your hair looks|really good today, Mr. Marshall.
And it's okay|you pay me minimum wage...
because I use the company phone|to call my boyfriend in Israel...
for an hour.
Tell me you heard that.
Your hair looks really good.|So what ?
The - The other thing !|What she was thinking thing.
I don't think she thinks too much.|She's not exactly a genius.
I'll have you know she went|to an Ivy League school.
- Doubt that.|- The thing about the boyfriend,
calling him in Israel,|you heard that, yes, no ?
I didn't hear it|'cause she didn't say it.
Pull it together. We're gonna|be late for our sorority meeting.
Morgan, in case I, like,|maybe die today--
Can we walk ? 'Cause in case|you live, I don't wanna be late.
Here's what happened,|just in case the coroner asks.
I got drunk, and I tried on|all the products from the pink box.
- You did not.|- I put on all the products--
nail polish, panty hose,|everything.
- You tried on the panty hose ?|- Yes, okay.
Anyway, I was drying my hair,|and I fell over and tripped,
fell into the bathtub|and electrocuted myself.
I blacked out,|and when I woke up...
I could hear what every woman|around me was... thinking.
- Uh-huh.|- Talking personal, private stuff.
The stuff that nobody is|supposed to hear, I hear that stuff.
You know what I'm saying ?|I can hear what women think.
Can you ? Good, 'cause that's not|a talent guys have these days.
You don't believe me.|You want me to prove it ?
-See this attorney coming toward us?|-Yeah.
Oh, she thinks|you're overpaid and gay.
- What ?|- I hear what they're all thinking.
It's driving me crazy. Even|French poodles, I can hear them.
So we're on the same page,|I need you to know you sound insane.
You freaked out over losing|the job, which I understand.
But if you tell anybody you can hear|the thoughts of a French poodle--
What if I jumped out the window?|Jumped through the plate glass.
Would they notice ? Probably not|if I didn't get glass on anybody.
That girl with the fruit is funny.|Suicidal, but she is funny.
Nick, what girl|with the fruit ?
- The--|- Huh ?
Last one to arrive.|Wants me to know I'm not his boss.
Okay, you're a star.|I get the message.
She thinks I'm late because I want|her to know she's not my boss.
- What is she talking about ?|- Put a lid on it. I'm begging you.
Ooh, I can't believe|I have butterflies in my stomach.
Feels like|the first day of school.
Okay, so let's see|how we did.
Nobody wants to go first.
Everyone's avoiding me,|except Nick Marshall.
Unbelievable. The only one|with good eye contact.
At least he's looking at my eyes|and not down my blouse.
- Nick, what did you come up with ?|- Me ?
What did I come up with ?
He's so wired.
I thought about|the moisturizing lipstick,
never having worn|lipstick myself.
I tried to imagine what I'd want|from a lipstick, if I were a woman.
- Oh, spare me.|- Okay, he's trying to be honest.
You know,|to be perfectly honest,
I thought of a Tahitian beauty,|bathing under a waterfall.
Oy, I'm gonna die here|with these kinds of ideas.
But, uh, you know, I'm|working on it, and it's evolving.
Anybody interested in an idea|involving the Swedish bikini team ?
I do know them all|personally.
- Oh, what an idiot.|-Jerk, grow up already.
- What a pig.|- You are so foul.
I should have asked|for more money. Gina ?
I spent the night trying to figure|out how to sell Advil just to women.
You know what ?|You should sell it to women like me.
I take it every time|I need to fake a headache.
Works like a charm.
I-I got a great one.|It just came to me.
- Do you mind if I interrupt, Dina ?|- Sure, go ahead.
I hate that|you've seen me naked.
So, we're in a bedroom,|the lights are out.
There's a woman in bed,|and she's taking an Advil.
Her husband suggestively|rubs her back, and we say, ''Advil.
''So mild and gentle,|you can take it...
even when you're|faking a headache.''
Woman turns to her husband and says,|''Not tonight, I need an Advil. ''
- He's back.
What ? Come on. That doesn't|reach women on a personal level ?
- No.|- Women do that, don't they ?
- I don't.|- No ?
Sue Cranston, you've done that,|haven't you ? Faked a headache to--
No, Nick, I haven't.|Thanks for asking.
No, wait, wait, wait.|Be honest now.
I mean, you've been married|what, ten, twelve years ?
You've never faked a headache ?|lt doesn't work like a charm ?
No, Nick, I haven't.
I mean, no, it doesn't,|okay ? Jeez.
- What an asshole !|- I guess I'm off base here.
What's good is you're looking at|Advil from a woman's point of view.
Um, I don't think Advil|will go for it,
and I'm pretty sure every woman|in America will hate it.
Other than that,|I thought it was great.
You're on the right track.|Hang in there. Go ahead.
Great antenna there, babe.|The poodle give you that one ?
- What are you doing home early ?|- I have my first migraine.
This is hideous. My boyfriend|feeling me up in front of my father.
Don't think anything. The outlook|wasn't good for the Mudville Nine.
- The score was four to two.|- Oh, shit. Where's my bra ?
- Where is it ?|- Oh, God.
Oh, God !
Okay, look. Everybody|just needs to chill out here.
There'll be no chilling.|Just get your stuff... and move on.
Come on, man. Relax.
- How old are you ?|- I just turned 1 8.
Well, she's 1 5.|She was 10 five years ago.
You know what I'm saying,|stud ? Now get out.
Dad ! We're going|to the prom. Don't ruin it.
- You're not going with this punk.|- How did you know about prom ?
Look, I don't know.|Mom told me, all right ?
It's not gonna happen|because he's too old for you.
I know what boys want, and he's not|getting it from my daughter. Door.
Your daughter ?|Suddenly, I'm your daughter.
- How am I related to this asshole ?|- Another one.
- I want Mom.|- Look, l'm just gonna take off.
- l'm real sorry about this.|- Save it.
Where-- Where are you--
Okay, l'm not losing|my mind.
- I'm already losing my mind.
- This will work. It's gotta work.
-This has gotta work. Shit. Perfect.
Come on !|Do your thing !
Turn me into me again !
Oh, good, I'm not dead.
Oh, please !
Please, please, please.|Tell me I got rid of it.
- Please be a woman. Please.
- For what city, please ?|- You couldn't do me a favor...
and think of your favorite color|or TV program, could you ?
For what city, please ?
Flo ? Hey, Flo !
- Flo ?
I can't believe this.
I need a woman.
-Try this one.|-Oh, I love this. This is fantastic.
Oh, it's my mother's birthday|next week, so I need two gift sets.
You've been a great help.|I appreciate it.
Do you have a Kleenex back there|so I can wipe that off ?
I'm sure she'll like it.|It's one ofourbestsellers.
- Do I get a free gift with this ?|- Yes, you get a travelbag.
Stop it. You've got the dress.|Treat yourself to lipstick.
- No, I have enough at home.|- You might as well get one, right ?
I have too many lipsticks. I have|piles of them. I don't need it.
- I'll buy it for you.|- lf he doesn 't answer in two rings,
- I swear to God !|- Hi, blue eyes.
- Dr., you may not remember me.|- Yes ?
I'm Nick Marshall. I came here about|ten years ago with my ex-wife, Gigi.
- Oh, Christ, not him.|- Oh, good, you remember me.
I'm sorry to barge in like this,|but I don't know who to turn to.
I'm afraid to go to work.|I'm afraid of my door woman.
I'm-- I'm afraid|to get a cup of coffee.
Mr. Marshall,|please slow down. Slow down.
Let me make sure I completely|understand what it is you're saying.
All right. All right.
I hear what women think.
Yeah. You know,|Mr. Marshall,
this kind of imaginary|displacement scenario...
- I'm not imag--|- really isn't my thing.
I do, however, have a very good|friend over at University Hospital,
who specializes in male menopause|and testosterone depletion.
She's fabulous. I think what I'll do|is just give her a ring...
and send you overthere.
Why did I answer my door ? I was so|into buying that lamp on eBay.
- How much was it going for ?|- How much was what going for ?
The lamp on eBay.
Oh, I see. That's good.|Very clever.
- Dr. Skolnick, please.|- You don't believe me. Try another.
Go on. Pick a number.|Give it a whirl. Any number.
Okay. A number|between one and--
- A million. Why not ?|- One and a million.
644,998-- 99-- 90.
Wanna make a decision here ?
- Oy vay!|- Oh, you can say that again.
- I didn't say anything.|- Doesn't mean I didn't hear it.
Okay. Okay. Let's say--|Let's say I do believe you.
- Yeah.|- You can hear what women think.
Even though I'm a grown|woman of... 51 .
- 47.|- Oh, my lips are sealed.
Holy crap !|Oh, forgive me.
- That's all right.|- But this is phenomenal.
- You can hear inside my head.|- Yes.
Why would you want to get rid|of such a brilliant gift ?
Well, for starters,
almost every woman I know|thinks I'm an asshole.
- What I thought when I met you.|- Doc, give me a break here.
Mr. Marshall, you might|find this a little unorthodox,
but would you mind|awfully if I smoked ?
- No, no, I understand.|- Thank you. Thank you so much.
Let's try to look at|the up side of this, shall we ?
You know, Freud died at age 83|still asking one question,
''What do women want ?''
Wouldn't it be strange and wonderful|if you were the one man on Earth...
finally able to answer|that question ?
Listen to me, Nick.|Something extraordinary...
and I think miraculous|has happened to you.
My advice is|you must learn from this.
You know, there isn't|a single woman that I treat...
that doesn't wish her man|understood her better.
If men are from Mars and women are|from Venus and you speak Venusian,
the world can be yours.
I don't know how this|happened to you or why,
but you may just be|the luckiest man on Earth.
lmagine the possibilities.
lf you know|what women want,
you can rule.
Hubba-hubba, here he|comes, looking awfully good today.
And I haven't had sex|in four months. Okay, six.
Why did I tell him to stop|asking me out ? I'm an idiot!
- Idiot ! Idiot !
Hey, Nick, how's it going ?
Lola, my love.|I can't take no for an answer.
- About what ?|- About what ?
Just don't hurt me, Nick.|I've been hurt too many times.
I know how hard it is|to go out with someone new.
I mean, there's always|that fear of,
well, getting hurt.
- At least that's how I feel inside.|- You do, really ?
- All the time.|- Me, too, all the time.
Let's just take it slow|and see how it goes.
Slow is good.
Slow is really good.
- Yeah.|- Are you free tonight ?
So, you don't think I'm gay ?|You're saying you never said that ?
- I never said that.|- Doesn't mean you didn't think it.
Is it the hair ? The highlights|happen to be natural.
- Morgan, I have a meeting.|- You don't think I'm overpaid?
- You never said that.|- I don't think I ever said that.
Who has he been talking to ?
- Morning.|- Morning.
Well, then check your E-mail.|I sent it over--
Hi, Annie.|How's the boyfriend in Israel ?
I want to thank you|for picking up that wine.
That's above and beyond.|I appreciate it so much. Thank you.
Uh, can I get you|a cup of coffee or, um,
some water|or any kind of beverage ?
No, but thank you. If I'm thirsty,|I know where the coffee room is.
That's right, guys, don't help.|Just walk right past me.
Why don't you step on|my hands, you big--
- Here you go. How you doing ?|- Oh.
Oh, fine.|Thank you, Mr. Marshall.
- You're welcome, um--|- Erin.
Erin. You be careful,|all right, Erin ?
What do you know ?|There is life on this planet.
Breakfast Tuesday sounds great.|Absolutely.
Thanks for the info.|And thanks for the champagne.
You too.|Okay, bye-bye.
Set meeting, Nike,|women's division.
- Hi.|- Hi.
Well, you've been here five minutes.|Looks like you've been here a year.
Oh, yeah. I'm compulsive.|It's a problem.
Why do I always|feel like he's checking me out ?
I wonder what he's got|up his sleeve.
- Great photographs.|- No clue they're all Bourke-White.
They're not all Margaret|Bourke-White, are they ?
Yeah, they are.
Wow. It's|a beautiful collection.
- Thanks. So how's it going ?|- Mmm.
You know, I was gonna|ask you the same thing.
It's starting slow.
- I'm evaluating staff, that's hard.|- Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I don't|wanna beat around the bush.
- What I'd like to propose--|- He's proposing so soon ?
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.|- Oh !
- Uh, yes--|- Excuse me.
- You got another one. Wow !|- Thanks.
As I was saying,
I know nothing about the products|you're going for personally,
but I do believe|I can sell anything...
once I know|what the buyer's needs are.
And what I'd really like,|with your kind indulgence of course,
is to go after|that really big fish.
I mean, the one|you really wanna land.
I'll learn what I need to know,|and I'll reel them in for us.
No, actually, I think|l'll reel them in for us.
That is, unless you're going after|something in particular yourself.
No. It's just that there're several|big fish out there at the moment.
Oh, yeah ?|Well, what's your biggest fish ?
To your mind,|who's your whale ?
Um, Nike--|women's division ?
You heard|they were shopping ?
I got wind of it.
- Amazing. I heard no one knew.|- You knew.
- I heard no one else knew.|- It's okay if I know what you know.
- We're on the same team. Besides,|- Yeah.
I heard someone say once|two heads are better than one--
- Oh, you were listening.|- More than you know.
Okay,|here's what I heard.
Nike is shopping,|quietly.
But if they make a change,|it's gonna happen fast.
Now, you know this is|a tough one for us to get.
It would be a tough one for anybody|to get, but if we got it--
- That's all we'd need.|- I hear you.
So, what do they want|exactly ?
They wanna empower women.
- What ?|- I'm sorry.
- That won't work.|- No, okay. I'm sorry.
- I understand. Go on.|- They wanna get in women's heads...
and reach them|on a very real level.
Don't take this wrong, but you got|jumpy talking about lipstick.
- I know.|- Nike is hard-core woman power.
You sure you wanna|go after this one ?
You get 'em here in two weeks,|I'll be ready.
This guy is kind of exciting.
Hey !|Glad I caught you both.
- You got a minute ?|- Sure.
I want you to look at these boards|for U.S. Air before they come by.
- Right.|- lt feels like something's missing.
Hmm. I don't like|the graphics.
Feels a bit parochial.
Maybe it should be|in black and white.
- What do you think, Nick ?|- I don't know who you've had,
but, I don't know,|it seems kind of--
What's the word ?|Parochial to me.
Um, what do you think,|Darcy ?
I totally agree,|especially about the graphics.
They're parochial.|It's so funny you just said that.
Why don't you get them to|try it in black and white ?
Might punch it up|a little.
What ?|Did you say something ?
No. I just swear I was|thinking the exact same thing.
Were you ?
Black and white could really help.|Good idea, Nick.
Good idea, Nick ?|Speak up. Quick.
- Say something before he leaves.|- Uh, Dan ?
Want me to look at the boards ? Once|they have a stab, give me a buzz.
- I will. Thanks, buddy.|- Dan ?
ln case they find Nick's idea|too retro, which they might--
-Oh, yeah.|-they may think it's old-fashioned--
I'd be ready with some--|maybe a dot com kind of thing ?
Maybe there's something about|getting on-line at the airport.
No, I think we're fine, really.|Really, we're good.
- I like Nick's fix on this.|- Great.
Hey, you wanna come by later ? I got|a box of new Cubans, just came in.
- Great.|- Cool.
You smoke cigars ?
You know, your office|is looking really snazzy.
- I love the red.|- Thanks.
Mr. Marshall,|your daughter's on line one.
- Oh. I'm sorry. Would you mind--|- Oh. Here you go.
He has a daughter ?|Didn't picture that. How old ?
She's 15. She's staying with me|while her mom's away.
- He's married ?|- Away on her honeymoon.
- Oh.|- Alex, hi.
Uh-huh. Oh, sure, honey.|No, that's great.
''Honey'' ?|Who are you trying to impress ?
Okay, look, I'm gonna go out|with my friends after school.
Then can I bring them back to your|place, or will you freak out again ?
No, no, no, no.|No problem. Whatever you want.
- What time are you gonna be home ?|- Wait for me !
- I don't know. I gotta go.|- 8:00's fine.
l love you too.|Bye, sweetie.
Total shocker.|He's like a nice guy.
- Sorry, duty calls.|- Oh, of course.
- She's 15 ?|- Yeah. Got a boyfriend that's 1 8.
- And you hate that, right ?|- Hate it.
Yeah. But she digs him,|and he's invited her to the prom.
- That's a big deal, I guess.|- The prom is about the dress.
- You know that, right ? Oh, yeah.|- Is it ?
Once you got the dress handled,|it's all downhill from there.
This feels like a date. Why did I|go into all that ? He needs to go.
Well, I'm out of here.
Do some research downtown,|get inside women's heads.
- Well, if you need any help--|- I'll be picking your brain.
- You got it.|- I'll take it.
She won't last a month.
Oh, I like that one, but it says|you can't wear it if you have hips.
-That one's cute.|-It's low-cut. I can't wear low-cut.
- Alex ?|- It's open.
What? Say something.
Uh, hi.|I'm Alex's dad, Nick.
- Hi.|- Hi.
- Deadbeat.|- Mr. No-Food-in-the-House.
Forgot her birthday.
Why is he just standing there ?
Oh, I-I just wanted|to let you know that I was home...
and that I got sort of a date|later on tonight, so I'm going out.
But I'll be home early. Hey,|why don't you guys order a pizza ?
There's not a scrap of food|in the joint.
I also wanted to know if maybe you|and I could go out on a date soon ?
I'd like to take you shopping|for a prom dress.
Oh, that is so sweet.
I wish my dad would do|something like that.
- I love him.|- I don't get it.
First, you throw Cameron out.
Now you wanna take me shopping|so I can go to the prom with him ?
I overreacted, and I just wanna make|up for it by taking you shopping.
I mean, it's a pretty|important thing, you know ?
They say it's all downhill|after the dress.
He must be stoned.|Fine.
I'll get the most expensive dress,|shoes, makeup. He can afford it.
And what the hell.|Let's go crazy.
While we're at it, we'll get you|new makeup, shoes, the works.
- What do you say ?|- Fine, whatever.
Whatever meaning ''yes.''|Yes ?
Great. Nice to have met you two.|I hope to see you again soon.
- Definitely.|- Bye, Mr. Marshall.
- Love the apartment.|- Great view.
Thank you.|Oh, okay.
I gotta tell ya, I'm not|usually like this on a first date.
It's just... you've been|so amazing all night.
- You've been so sensitive...|- Oh, well--
and so understanding and--
- You wanna come up ?|- Oh, yeah.
I can't believe I asked him up.|Am I ready for him to come up ?
If I sleep with him, he'll think|I'm a slut and never call me again.
Or he'll call me all the time 'cause|he'll think he can get it whenever.
Oh, what's the difference ?|He's so incredible !
He reminds me of my sister.
- So, what do you think ?|- Well, I--
I'll only come up|if you really want me to.
I don't want you to do anything|you're not ready for.
- I can wait.
- Oh, he's got a great body.
But-- Whoa !
What's with the tongue ? I'm|gonna need the Heimlich maneuver.
- Ouch ! Right, they're attached.|- I'm sorry.
Oh !|Now we're talkin'.
Okay.|Lied about the grande.
Would you mind if we had|the lights on, maybe ?
- No, you want the light on ?|- Yeah, it might help.
Okay, if it'll help.
God, I hope he's better|with the light on.
He's so all over the place.|Just do it so I can start faking it.
Is Britney Spears|on Leno tonight ?
- You okay ?|- Well--
Yeah, I'm just fine.
What--|What happened ?
Okay. All right.
Now, let's pull this|together, buddy.
I mean,|this is what we do.
- You okay ?|- Yeah.
- Lola ?
- I can do this better.|- Wanna bet ?
Oh ! It was like...
you were more inside of me|than anybody ever !
- Well, thanks, doll.
- I tried.|- No, no.
- I mean, more inside my head.|- Oh.
Like, you knew what I wanted|and how I wanted it.
We connected in a way|that was beyond--
Oh, my heart !
My heart is beating|so hard.
Who would've thought ? Slow starter,
then turns out to be|a genius in bed.
Ladies and gentlemen,|Nick Marshall is a sex god !
Wag The Dog
Waga seishun ni kuinashi 1946
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