Whats Up Doc
Flight 4 from New York now boarding at Gate 7.
Flight 741 from Holland now arriving at Gate 8.
Follow that cab!
Howard, Howard Bannister!
Howard, when I ask you to wait for me somewhere...
...I expect you to stay there until I come back.
It is difficult enough for me to see to all these arrangements myself.
- Yes, Eunice. - It is exactly 6:15.
If we reach the hotel in half an hour...
...we'll have enough time to dress for the banquet.
- Put these things in a taxi. - Yes, Eunice.
It's a beautiful city, isn't it, Howard?
I'd like to come here on our honeymoon.
Did you hear me, Howard? I said I'd like to come here on our honeymoon.
I thought you wanted to go to San Francisco on your honeymoon.
- This is San Francisco, Howard. - Of course it is.
Hey, what're you trying to do, get yourself killed?
- You all right back there? - I hope nothing's broken.
- It's just a bump. - No.
I mean my igneous rocks. I hope they're not damaged.
I know how you feel, mister.
I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched.
Miss, may I help you?
I was wondering if my friends are here.
They're visiting from the New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.
- I'm sorry, but that room is vacant. - I don't understand.
They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.
Mrs. Van Hoskins.
It's so nice to have you back with us.
- Thank you, Hans. - Fritz.
What happened to Hans?
There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.
What a shame.
Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight.
Tomorrow, I want you to put it the hotel safe for me.
It will be done, madam.
Room service, please.
Hi, room service, this is Room 1717.
I would like a double thick roast beef sandwich, medium rare...
...on rye bread, mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom...
...and a coffee, hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything.
You got that? Yeah.
And, room service, would you...
...put it outside the door. Don't bring it in or knock...
...'cause I'm just putting my baby to sleep. Right. Thank you.
I am Miss Eunice Burns, and this is my fiancé, Dr. Howard Bannister.
We are here for the Congress of American Musicologists' Convention.
Go to the drugstore and get some aspirin.
I want you to be in shape for this evening.
Don't touch that! These are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.
- Don't touch those rocks. - I'll take care of those.
Howard, you go to the drugstore and be back in my room in five minutes.
- Right. Eunice? - Yes?
- Why am I going to the drugstore? - Aspirin.
Get it with buffering added. It's better for the stomach.
- Right. - Front.
- Flat. - Sir?
Your bell is flat. It's half a tone off.
- What's up, doc? - I beg your pardon?
- We've gotta stop meeting like this. - You're making a mistake.
I came in here for something for a headache.
You'll need an awfully big glass of water to get that down.
No, you see, I'm a musicologist.
I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal quality.
I have this theory about early man's musical relationship...
...to igneous rock formations.
But I guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.
Not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories.
I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them.
I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar.
Keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics...
...as far as I'm concerned.
- I forgot why I came in here. - Headache.
Yes, thank you. And goodbye.
- Was it something I said? - I beg your pardon?
What do you think I am, a piece of fruit...
...to squeeze the juice out of and toss?
- You're making a mistake. - That's all I am to you.
A clerical error. Erase me, forget you even know my name.
- I don't know your name. - Judy Maxwell.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
- Could you let go of my hand? - I don't think so.
Look what happened.
Please don't help me. I am perfectly able to do this myself.
Be more careful.
Did you know that 3 percent of all fatal accidents happen in drugstores?
What's going on back there?
Nothing, we're just looking for a little aspirin.
- Let me help you. - Don't help me!
Just go away.
- My husband'll pay for this. - What's he doing on the floor?
He suffers from a nervous condition. He falls down a lot.
- I don't want people falling down in here. - Well, we're on our honeymoon.
- Is this the kind with buffering? - That's right.
How much do I owe you?
- $68.29. - I beg your pardon?
How much is it without buffering?
Look, mister, the aspirin is $0.84. This is $67.45.
- What's that? - A radio.
- I don't want a radio. - What about your wife?
- I don't want a wife. I haven't got a wife. - Quit kidding. He's always kidding around.
I don't know who you are. I don't know who she is.
Come on, Steve, buy her the radio, it's on sale.
You call this a honeymoon?
What about the aspirin?
Hey, Steve! Steve, wait!
Wait up, Steve.
Am I sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
Let me sew it up for you. We'll go someplace quiet.
We'll get needle and thread in the drugstore.
I don't want to go into the drugstore. I don't like it.
Don't be angry.
My name is not Steve. It is Howard Bannister...
...and now that I've told you I wish you'd forget you've heard it.
- I like Steve better. - You've mistaken me for someone else.
Now go away and leave me alone.
- Why did you follow me into the drugstore? - I didn't, I had headache.
- Still have it? - No.
- Howard. - See?
- Howard. I said five minutes. - I'm sorry, Eunice.
That's a person named Eunice?
- Where've you been? - I had a problem in the drugstore.
- You didn't say you're married. - We're not.
- Congratulations. - But we will be soon.
- Who is this person? - I have no idea.
- She was behind a rock in the drugstore. - Tell her about us.
- Why is she calling you that name? - Don't pay any attention to her.
- Look, Miss Maxwell... - You know her name.
I swear this is a bizarre joke.
It's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken.
Women. You call it joking, Eunice and I, we call it lust.
- Don't you know the meaning of propriety? - Propriety? Noun.
Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners...
...suitability, rightness, or justness. See "etiquette."
- Good evening, sir. - Good evening.
- We don't want to wake up the little one. - We sure don't.
...Iooking for my key. - Oh, yes.
- Can't seem to find it anywhere. - Maybe the door is open.
No, I'm sure I locked it.
- Don't forget your dinner. - Yeah, right, I'll get it later.
- Eunice. Eunice. - Who's there?
It's me, Howard Bannister, your fiancé.
- You look very nice, Howard. - Thank you, Eunice, you look very nice, too.
I haven't gotten dressed yet, Howard.
Come in, I'll do your tie.
- What tie is that, Eunice? - Your tie. The tie in your hand.
Yes, of course.
My dinner's here.
I don't know who he is, but I hate him.
Howard, you must have said something to encourage that girl.
What do you mean, Eunice?
Now, Howard, you know what I'm talking about.
- After all, you are a man. - That's true.
- She is a woman. - That's true, too.
- In the same way that I am a woman. - I don't think of you as a woman, Eunice.
I think of you as...
- But I am a woman, Howard. - I know that.
Eunice, I know I don't seem to be a very romantic person.
I'm not looking for romance, Howard.
I'm looking for something more important than that. Something stronger.
As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place.
- Do you know what? - Senility.
- Trust. - That's what I meant.
I think we'd better talk about this at some other time.
Now, Howard, I want you to make a good impression on Mr. Larrabee.
Tell me exactly what you're going to say to him.
I'll probably say something like, "Hello there, Mr. Larrabee, I'm Howard."
- You're not. - I'm not Howard.
You are not going to say, "Hi, my name's Howard."
- Anyone can say that, anyone. - Anyone named Howard.
You'll to walk straight up to him...
...and take his hand in a firm masculine handshake and say:
"Mr. Larrabee, I'm Dr. Howard Bannister.
"It is a privilege to meet you, sir."
- Think you can do that? - Yes, I think I can.
- Well, do your best. Be dignified. - I'll be dignified.
- Be solemn, but not stuffy. - I'll be solemn.
- Act friendly, but impersonal. - I'll act friendly.
- Pull the door open. - I'll pull the door open.
- Well, goodbye, Eunice. - Now, don't be nervous, Howard.
Just remember, everything depends on this.
Now, let's see.
Mr. Larrabee, it's an honor to... No, that's not it.
What is it? It's a...
- It's a privilege to meet you, sir. - Likewise.
Mr. Larrabee, it's a privilege to meet you.
I'm Dr. Howard Bannister.
And I'm your head waiter, Rudy. Can I show you to your table, sir?
No, thank you, I think I'll just mingle for a while.
- Here you are, sir. - Thank you, I don't drink.
- You're upside down, sir. - I'm upside down.
Hello? Give me the chief.
He is? Tell him...
...I got the documents.
- I'm Hugh Simon. - How do you do?
- You're upside down. - I know.
And, I suppose, you have not read my series of articles...
...on the Versuch einer Anweisung in the Music Monthly.
I haven't, I'm sorry.
Foolish of you. You must realize that it was that series of articles...
...that helped me to become one of the two finalists...
...in contention for the Larrabee Grant. Amazingly, you are the other one.
I can't imagine that the Larrabee Foundation...
...will throw good money away on a study of prehistoric rock dumpings.
I think you're oversimplifying my thesis...
Oversimplifying? You accuse me of oversimplifying?
I never oversimplify.
There's an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
- Bannister. - Well, whatever it is.
I'm Hugh Simon, Mr. Larrabee, I would like to say, I love your hair.
- Thank you. - On behalf of myself...
...and my colleagues at the conservatory...
Yes, indeed. And I believe that this must be Mr...
- It's a privilege... - Although, I want you to know...
...that I personally have only contempt for monetary gain.
The $20,000 will allow us, me, that is...
...to complete a great body of work, which will most certainly reflect...
...une gloire énorme on the Larrabee Foundation.
Very well put. Nothing like it.
Nothing like a little gloire énorme or otherwise...
...but I must point out you're only one of the finalists.
- lf I'm not mistaken, this must be... - Mr. Larrabee.
- Believe me, I understand it if... - Very understanding of you, Simon.
And, now, if you don't mind...
- I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry. - It's all right, it's all right.
- Dr. Bannister. - Mr. Privilege, it's a...
No, that's not it. Anyway, it's nice to see you, sir.
- Thank you, I don't drink. - Neither do I.
You don't. Shall we sit down, gentlemen? I believe...
After you, sir.
...we're all sharing the same table.
Good evening, Prof. Hosquith, this is Howard Bannister.
- How do you do? - Thank you.
Your fiancée was telling us about your most incredible adventure in the sky.
What's this, what incredible adventure did you have?
What adventure did I have? What adventure did I have?
You mustn't be modest about a simply incredible thing like that.
You'll have to tell us all about it, Bannister. Come along to the table, now.
Good show, Bannister, good show.
- And this must be Miss Burns. - How do you do?
- You! - Eunice, Howard, Eunice.
We've almost got that stammer cured. Sit down, dear.
- How? How? - Howard. Howard.
He still gets stuck on names. It's probably the excitement...
...of meeting you for the first time. I must say I can feel it myself.
- Can you? - Can I? My heart is going a mile a minute.
Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?
Yes, I think I can. Yes, it's absolutely...
It's certainly in there pounding.
It's amazing, you should feel it, gentlemen.
Sit down, gentlemen.
- Can I sit next to you? - I wouldn't have it another way.
Why don't you sit on my right, Bannister? If you could move, Mr. Simon.
- But, sir, this is not... - I know, Bannister.
This isn't the seating plan according to the place cards...
...but we can break a few of the minor social customs.
Sir, I must point out...
I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
- Emerson! - I beg your pardon, my dear?
Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.
- You like Emerson? - I adore him!
I adore anyone who adores him.
I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.
She's a delight, Bannister. You're a lucky dog.
- But this isn't... - Admit it.
- Admit you're a lucky dog. - I'm a lucky dog. But...
- Miss Burns, may I call you Eunice? - No!
Howard means that back where we come from...
...everyone calls me Burnsy. - Burnsy? I like that.
I presume you are familiar with your fiancé's studies, Miss Burns?
You presume correctly, Mr. Simon.
- You have read his thesis? - Read it! I typed it for him myself.
This is not Eunice Burns.
Then you must share his inordinate interest in rocks.
Passionately. You might say a rock brought us together.
You're not Eunice.
You will expect me to accept a notion that Neanderthal man found...
...a method of making music out of minerals?
I believe I can prove that actual melodies, crude, of course...
...but melodies, based on the diatonic scale similar to the Norse Ventengum chants...
I love those Ventengums.
...really existed as far back as 7 million B.C.
- You can prove this? - Given the time, and the money, of course.
- But really, music from rocks? - It so happens, Mr. Simon...
...that Howard had discussions with Leonard Bernstein...
...about the possibility of conducting an avalanche in E flat.
- That's ridiculous. - Where's your sense of humor, Simon?
She's a gem, Bannister.
- She's unbelievable. - Yes, she is.
What do you mean you can't find me? I'm right here.
I'm sorry, I have no badge in that name.
Will you look again, please? It's Burns, Eunice Burns.
I got the jewels.
Get out of there, but don't let anyone see you.
As you undoubtedly realize, Mr. Larrabee...
...I spent almost six years on this study.
- You've got to get out. - And miss all the good stuff that's coming?
- She'll be here any minute. - That's the good stuff that's coming.
...in terms of Swiss composers.
- Swiss composers, Mr. Simon? - That's right, Miss Burns.
I don't imagine that it is a field that the musical archeologists...
...would find particularly rewarding, but it is a rich field...
...in which my groundbreaking scholarship has cultivated a rich harvest.
Must've taken a lot of fertilizer.
We would like to hear the story that Miss Burns was telling about.
- Burnsy. - That Burnsy was telling about...
- He calls her Burnsy. - What was it, Bannister?
Some incredible adventure your had on your flight here?
My Howard is too modest to tell you that story himself.
It all began shortly after we passed the point of no return.
I think we just passed it.
When the amplifiers and directional gyro failed...
...and the flex valve refused to disconnect...
...one of the pilots fainted from fear and went into this power dive.
Howard took his igneous rocks into the cockpit, selected two of them...
...with a particularly high magnetic content...
...and set up an electrically-induced field pattern on the...
I'm having a nightmare.
- What's the problem? - This lady claims to be a Eunice Burns.
I am not a Eunice Burns, I am the Eunice Burns.
I don't have a badge for a Eunice Burns.
Of course not. Miss Burns is wearing her badge.
- She's already inside. - That is impossible.
- Perhaps you're at the wrong convention. - This is outrageous.
And just possibly saving 112 passengers...
...from a tragic, fiery death.
Absolutely incredible. I find that story intensely moving.
I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée.
How would you like to swallow one sandwich de knuckles?
- I've got to talk to you privately. - Meet me under the table.
- What? - My goodness, there goes my napkin.
So far, so good?
- Don't you understand anything? - Like what?
- Like Eunice. - I don't understand Eunice.
- She'll be here soon. - Stop repeating yourself.
I'm not repeating myself, I'm not repeating myself.
Oh, God, I'm repeating myself.
- Steve, you don't want to marry her. - I'm Howard!
- Neither of you wants to marry Eunice. - Why is that?
You don't want to marry one who'll be wrinkled and flabby.
- Everybody gets wrinkled and flabby. - By next week?
Hey, what's going on down here?
You two can't keep away from each other?
We're just talking.
Are you all right, Mr. Larrabee? Can I help?
No, I'm fine, we were just chatting.
- What's going on? - Anything wrong?
Testing a theory Howard has about vocal reverberation under spinal pressure.
What? Vocal reverberation under spinal pressure?
- You know V.R.U.S.P.? - Yes.
I think I read a monograph on that.
Charles, what kind of wine are you serving at Table 1?
I'm telling you, Bannister, this girl of yours is fun.
F-U-N, and if you win that grant, well, you can consider it her victory...
...as well as your own, do you follow me? - I...
I certainly do.
Howard! Howard Bannister!
Howard, tell them who I am. They're trying to...
They're trying to keep me out!
Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
Howard, tell them who I am.
Tell them who I am!
I insist you tell them who I am right this minute!
I never saw her before in my life.
Look, here she comes now. Did you get the jewels out of the hotel?
No, I put it in 1714. I didn't have time...
What kind of a house detective are you? Can't you commit a burglary?
- I'm ashamed. - Never mind.
I'll return the case to her room while you detain her.
- How do I do that? - Use your charm.
Charm. Use your charm.
- What do you want? - Madam, it is I, Fritz.
I suppose you've come to apologize for the unbelievable criminal injustices...
...which have been visited upon me here.
The fact is that one of our guests has lost something.
I fail to see how it could be in here unless it crawled in under its own power.
Exactly, Miss Burns.
What are you trying to say?
It's very embarrassing, but one of our regular guests...
...a wealthy eccentric, has lost his pet snake.
No! Yes, here. Calm yourself.
May I suggest that you shut yourself in the bathroom for a few moments...
...while I search your room. - What if it's in there?
It won't be in there.
Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
Oh, yes. And thank you.
It's all right, Miss Burns, you can come out now.
What more can they do to me?
- What's the matter, Steve? - My name is not Steve...
...and the matter is, how am I going to explain all this to Eunice?
- That is the easiest thing. - Easiest thing.
First you go right down to her room. You knock on the door.
Okay. She answers the door. She will have been crying...
...so her eyes will be all puffy and bloodshot, you know...
...and her nose is all red and running. But, you overlook that.
You put your hand on her shoulder...
...you stare purposefully into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes...
...and you say:
"Eunice, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
"I behaved like, a cad, a bounder. But now I see everything clearly.
"And I have decided that Judy and I are going to put you into a home."
That is not amusing.
Steve, what are you so upset about? Tonight was fantastic!
- We've got that Larrabee grant sewn up. - We?
You have to admit I helped, he calls me Burnsy.
That's not the point, you are not Burnsy.
Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy.
Nobody is Burnsy.
- So what is the point? - The point is...
Oh, God, I've forgotten the point.
The point is, you think when Mr. Larrabee finds out I'm not Eunice...
...he'll think you tried to trick him...
...and it's bye-bye $20,000. - Right! That's the point!
That money would enable me to establish certain proof for theories of mine.
Certain theories that...
Must you stand quite so close?
I'm very nearsighted.
- Where was I? - Certain theories.
That money would enable me to travel to southern France...
...to examine evidence of prehistoric art forms 100,000 years old.
- Aurignacian or Upper Perigordian? - Both, if I'm given...
- Where do you come up with those names? - Just a wild guess.
I want you to go away now.
Steve, I'm sorry, I only wanted to help.
I know you don't mean any harm, you're just...
- You're just different. - Thank you.
I know I'm different, but from now on...
...I'm gonna try to be the same.
Same as what?
Same as people who aren't different.
- Good, thank you, and goodbye. - Come on, give me a chance.
When you get to know me better you'll like me.
I won't like you. Goodbye.
Let's not say goodbye, let's just say au revoir.
No, let's say goodbye.
Enter Mrs. Van Hoskins' room through the adjoining room...
...take the jewel case and go to the basement.
- What if she wakes up and sees me? - You'll tell her you are smitten with her.
That you had followed her all night, and you will make passionate love to her.
Couldn't I just kill her?
- Hello, out there. - Hello.
- No, it must be brain damage. - What?
I believe you dropped something.
- What do you think you're doing? - I think I'm taking a bath.
If you're not out of here in two minutes, I'm calling the police.
Who'll they arrest...
...the girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down?
I am not joking now, I do not like to act rashly...
...but you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back.
You are the plague.
You bring havoc and chaos to everyone, but why to me? Why me?
Because you look cute in your pajamas, Steve.
- Right now? - Yes!
No, wait a minute!
Are you all right?
- I think I've broken several major bones. - Let me see.
- Don't help me! - Tell me where it hurts.
The ilium? The sacrum? I hope it's not your coccyx.
I can't breathe. Is it possible to break a lung?
I think your necktie's too tight.
- There. See? Now the phone is ringing. - I'll get it.
I can do it.
Eunice who? Oh, Eunice!
Howard, what's going on in there?
Nothing much, I fell down.
Are you hurt?
I'm feeling much better. Thanks for calling.
- Howard! - Yes, Eunice?
- I'm coming in there. - I wish you wouldn't do that.
I want to see if you're all right.
I am still very angry with you, but I am concerned.
- Do you hear me? - Yes.
I think I'll get dressed.
Who was that?
Who was what?
I heard a voice say something...
...about getting dressed.
It's the television set, Eunice.
There's a war movie on. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
It was a woman's voice.
They're lady soldiers. It's called The Fighting WACs.
Do you have a bathrobe I could put on?
I'm coming in!
Well, that's it.
- Only one thing left to do. - What's that, what?
Eunice is coming, you're here, like that. And I'm going to jump.
- Steve. - Goodbye.
- Steve, wait! - I don't believe it. You did it again.
- Excuse me. Are you with the hotel? - Why?
I would like the key to 1716, my fiancé's in there...
...and I believe he's hurt himself.
Sorry, lady, I'm looking for something in 1717.
Well, ordinarily I wouldn't even ask for it...
...but I think it's...
I got my orders from the desk clerk downstairs.
I gotta go to 1717, so please, don't bother me now.
Howard. Open this door, Howard.
Howard, I know you're in there.
Do you hear me?
Howard, open this door immediately!
- What's wrong with the closet? - She'll look in there.
What kind of a person is she?
Howard Bannister, I am talking to you.
I know you're in there.
I can't. I'm terrified of heights, I'm acrophobic.
- There's a ledge. - I'm ledge-a-phobic.
- Until I can get rid of her. - I can't!
Howard, do you hear me?
- She has a violent temper. - I can't!
- She studies karate. - Maybe I can.
I am going to count to five.
Don't count, Eunice. I hate it when you count.
Hello, Eunice, come on in.
Howard, if you have betrayed my trust in you...
That's a bath. I was going to take a bath.
Since when have you taken bubble baths?
It came out of the faucet that way, Eunice.
- Why are your rocks in the bathroom? - I don't know, I wish I did, but I don't.
- What are you looking for, dear? - Howard, you are not being open with me.
I am being open with you, Eunice, I'm always open.
Good evening. Where do you want it, ma'am?
Where do I want what?
- Roast beef on rye. Mustard on top... - I don't want food!
Room 1716, right? Well, I'll just set it up over here.
- What's that? - What's what?
- I hear knocking. - It's your nerves.
- Why are you fiddling with the window? - Too much fresh air, dear, very harmful.
Howard, will you turn off that...
Howard, if you don't turn that set off I am going to scream!
You are screaming, Eunice.
Hey, have a heart, we're trying to get some sleep down here.
- Pull the plug out. - It's cable.
Pull the cable out.
Hey, come on.
I'm gonna call the police.
Take the hose down the hallway.
...the fire department go to 1716.
Miss Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Bannister's room?
Don't you know the meaning propriety?
Come in, it's broken. I mean, it's open.
No, I don't think so.
I'm Mr. Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
I'm awfully sorry about this mess. Usually this doesn't happen.
Mr. Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
- What is it? - Goodbye.
That's the entire message?
- We'd appreciate it if you'd check out. - When?
- Yesterday. - That soon?
I don't suppose you have another room you could let me use just for...
These are my igneous Tambulu rocks.
Yes, of course they are.
Where were you thinking of going now?
My fiancée, Miss Sleep, is still burning and...
...Miss Burns is still sleeping.
I thought maybe I would just sit in the lobby and wait.
I'm awfully sorry about the room.
That's all right, we have lots of others.
That's a nice view. I must be crazy.
I must be crazy. I'm looking at the view. Eunice is going home.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine."
"Play it, Sam."
C minor 7th.
That's very good.
What's the matter with it?
Judging from the recent past...
Edmund Burke said, "You can never plan the future by the past."
I beg your pardon?
You're wondering what a girl like me is doing quoting Edmund Burke?
I was a political science major.
Did you learn about rocks there?
- You have a case like mine. - Yes.
- No? - No.
Advanced geology, Wellesley.
- What about the music? - Bennington, musical appreciation.
Comp lit, Northwestern University. Archaeology, Tuskegee Institute.
General semantics, University of Chicago.
Veterinary Medicine, Texas A&M. Say when.
- Trying to become? - A graduate.
- Why is that important? - It was to my father.
He was upset when I was asked to leave college.
"Asked" to leave?
- Bounced. You want to know why? - No.
He sent me someplace else after that, but it didn't work out. None of them did.
Some of it was very nice, I read a lot of good books.
I went to a lot of movies, but something always seemed to go wrong.
- I can believe that. - This last time was not my fault!
It was just a little classroom. It sort of burned down.
- Burned down? - Blew up, actually.
- Political activism? - Chemistry major.
- Now I'm really scared to go home. - So am I.
How do you mean?
Eunice and I came from Iowa. The conservatory got together this fund...
...so that I could come here and win this grant.
- I forgot to give you this letter! - What letter?
It was under your door when I came to your room.
- Did you open this? - How else could I have read it?
- The grant! Mr. Larrabee! - Yes!
- Yes, I saw. - Oh, boy, the $20,000!
- I've got to tell Eunice. - Of course you do.
After all, she is...
- She is my fiancée. - Of course she is.
She deserves to be the first.
Or, at least, the second.
Where was I?
Who is Eunice?
Eunice, open the door, I have some wonderful news.
I do not want your apologies, Howard.
I think it is too late for that.
All right, Eunice, no apologies.
Have you no heart?
I'd think after what you have done to me you'd come crawling for forgiveness.
Eunice, please let me read you this letter.
"Dear Howard," do you hear that? "Howard."
That is your name.
"The committee agreed that barring unforeseen circumstances...
"...you'll be the next recipient of the Larrabee Grant.
"Please join me for a luncheon at my house, around noon...
"...and bring your charming fiancée. Sincerely, Frederick."
Look, Eunice, "Frederick."
How he could refer to me as your...
..."charming fiancée" when he's never met me?
We can straighten all that out.
All right, Howard. It will take me some time to get dressed.
You go without me, and I'll follow as soon as possible.
- The address, please? - 888 Russian Hill.
888 Russian Hill.
Take it to 459 Dirello Street.
Deliver it to the boys on the second floor.
459 Dirello Street.
It's settled, Eunice will meet us there. I really think it's going to work.
- What could go wrong? - Please, don't you say that.
Tell Mr. Larrabee that Eunice is really Eunice...
...and the Eunice he thinks is Eunice isn't Eunice.
- What will you say? - About what?
- Yourself. - I'll say I'm a girl you picked up.
- No. You don't say anything. - Right, I just sit there and nod.
Yes. Then this whole terrible episode will be over.
What about us?
We'll say goodbye. It's that simple. I think.
Okay. You go get a taxi, I'll be out in a minute.
Miss Eunice Burns, please.
Miss Burns, this is Sylvia, Mr. Larrabee's personal secretary.
There's been a mix-up in the invitation.
The luncheon has been switched from Mr. Larrabee's home...
...to one of the Larrabee offices.
Mr. Bannister has already gone...
I caught Mr. Bannister on his way out and told him.
- The address is, do you have a pencil? - Yes.
- 459 Dirello Street. - Dirello?
- Thank you, Miss... - Louise.
I thought you said, "Sylvia."
Yes, Sylvia-Louise, you know with a hyphen?
Robbed! All of my jewels!
Help! All of my jewels.
Are you sure this is the right address?
459 Dirello Street, lady. You don't want me to wait, do you?
Yes, I do.
I didn't think so.
This can't be the Larrabee...
Those are Howard's.
What on earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
Thank you very much.
There they are, our two stars. Congratulations, Howard.
- Thank you, Mr. Larrabee. - Frederick.
I have something very important to tell you.
Come with me and meet my friends.
May I take that, sir?
No, thank you, I'll hold on to it.
I see you're all dressed up for a celebration.
- What happened, Bollister? - Bannister.
All of your other clothes burn up?
- You remember our Mr. Simon. - Miss Burns, isn't it?
- No, it's Burnsy. - Of course.
Ladies and gentlemen, and Mr. Larrabee.
Mr. Frederick. What I want to say...
What Howard's trying to says is how much he appreciates your hospitality.
We'll both think of you when we're back in Iowa.
What compelling sentiments.
Did anyone ever tell you that you were very sexy?
Well, actually, no.
They never will.
I have a little announcement to make that may be of some interest.
My natural curiosity was aroused, and so I did a little research...
...on Mr. Bannister and Miss Burns and I think...
I think it can wait until Howard has given us a little recital...
...on those famous rocks of his.
How about it, Howard?
For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Bannister's theory...
...of percussional and prehistoric and rhythmical communications...
...let me try to point out...
What's the matter?
- Is something the matter? - Wrong case!
Identical traveling cases.
Sweet, isn't it?
Excuse me, Mr. Larrabee, I wanted to ask you something.
What were you saying about...
I think a slight mistake has been made.
A slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs...
...is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues.
I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
What are you babbling about, Simon?
Get over there.
I want that case.
- What? - Which one?
Either one! Just slide it over here.
Get away from that case.
This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
Stand back, all of you.
All I want is that one, or that one, or maybe that one.
Throw that up here.
Howard! They've got your rocks!
- Don't nobody do nothing! - This is unheard of.
Throw down the case and the gun.
Don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.
Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
Don't you dare strike that brave, unbalanced woman!
Grab his legs!
Give me that.
- Having fun? - I can't find my rocks!
- Grab the cases. - Which ones?
All of them!
How many cases are there?
- I believe there're four of them. - I've got three.
Wait a minute.
Stick them in here.
- How are your legs? - My legs?
Never mind, push!
- What? - Get on!
Come on, Steve, you can do it!
My name is Howard.
We are going to lose them if you don't hurry.
Follow that cab, I'm with the government!
Here they come.
Come on, Harry, keep going.
You're in my way, I can't see!
- What is it? - Don't ask.
- Put on the brakes. - I am!
- Where are we? I can't see. - There's not much to see...
...we're inside a Chinese dragon.
- Wait, I know where the alley comes out. - All right, let's go.
I've got an idea. Follow me.
- What's the idea? - Stick with me.
No! Thank you very much.
- This is a terrible thing we're doing. - It's fantastic, you'll love it.
I'm sorry, we'll be right back.
What are you doing? This is a one-way street!
We're only going one way!
- Look out! - I am looking out.
- What are you doing? - Driving!
- I know that! - It's my first time.
It's a cinch.
- What does this thing do over here? - Let me do it, for Pete's sake!
Look out for that thing!
Will you turn off those things?
That's the radio!
How are we doing?
Here they come! Turn here!
Okay. I'm turning!
- Look at that! Go there! - What? No!
- Back up. - I knew you'd say that.
Where are they?
- Mr. Larrabee, will you help me? - Frederick!
- Frederick, will you help me? - Yes, I will. Who are you?
I am Eunice Burns.
Who cares who she is, we're going to be killed!
We'll all be killed!
I think we lost them.
Would you turn the radio off, please?
- I better turn down there to be sure. - Okay.
They're gaining on us.
There's a good road right down there.
I can't see where we're going!
Let me clean your glasses.
Now I really can't see!
Judy, I can't see.
Oh, God, I can see.
They're headed for the ferry!
- Follow them! - Okay!
- We can make it! - No.
We can make it!
I don't think we can make it.
Where are they going?
No, I mean, I'll help you.
Look at them.
A foul and depraved-Iooking lot, Bailiff.
Those are just the spectators, Your Honor.
Get on with it.
Hear ye, all those present. Let it be known court...
...is now in session as of this day, the 30th of July, 1972.
His Honor Marvin B. Maxwell presiding.
I don't want any noise tonight.
I don't want any disturbances or demonstrations of any kind.
I want peace and calm and order.
If there is any nonsense, of any sort...
...I will be merciless. Merciless!
Is that clearly understood?
Do you think they understood that, Bailiff?
Yes, sir, I'm sure they did.
Let's get tonight's horror show on the road.
Is Your Honor feeling all right?
No, My Honor is not feeling all right.
My head is pounding, my metabolism has practically ceased to function...
...and my nerves are shot.
That's too bad, sir.
Do you have any idea what it's like to sit here night after night...
...and watch this endless parade of human debris floating by?
Yes, sir, of course I have.
No, you don't.
You don't have to make up your mind...
...whether to put them away in some ghastly hellhole.
Or turn them all loose to commit some other hideous offense.
I'd like to send every one of them to an island somewhere...
...wrapped in heavy chains.
Do you know why I don't, Bailiff?
I just have too much compassion.
And that's why I'm a wreck.
You see this yellow pill?
You know what it's for?
To remind me to take this blue pill.
What's the blue one for, Judge?
I don't know.
They're afraid to tell me.
Your Honor, I think it'll be pretty quiet tonight.
It was deliberate. You have no right pushing!
Silence, silence, silence!
If there are any further outbursts of this nature, I'll give somebody orders...
...to shoot to kill.
You've made me smash my Life Savers.
Now we're going to get this story calmly and clearly.
First of all...
...just what the devil are these?
- My rocks. - My jewelry.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Whom do these cases belong to?
I want my bike back.
I'll give your bike back.
I'll give you a broken back if you don't be quiet.
What are these people being charged with?
That's kind's hard to say, Judge.
Give it a shot.
Well, sir, we picked some of them out of San Francisco Bay.
Entering the country illegally?
No, sir, they drove in.
- Into the country? - Into the bay.
Unauthorized use of public waters.
Mostly in stolen cars.
That's grand larceny.
Then, there was a shooting.
That's assault with a deadly weapon.
They broke into my home.
That's breaking and entering.
And they brought her with them, forcibly.
They tried to molest me.
Your Honor, I can clear all this up in 10 seconds.
- You do, and you'll get a prize. - May I approach the bench?
Yes. Watch him like a hawk.
As you can see, I represent our government.
God bless it!
Shut up! Go on.
Your Honor, I have been following this person's movements...
...for quite some time and I can prove...
...that he is in unauthorized possession of secret government...
- Get the court psychiatrist. - Watch out, those might be my rocks.
- Tell him to bring straight jackets. - We have a right to know!
In assorted sizes.
- Order in the court! - Order in the court!
- Everyone be quiet! - Everyone be quiet!
- Silence! - Silence!
- You, too. - Me, too.
Now, this is a court of law...
...my court of law!
It may not look like much to you, but it's all I've got!
Ordinarily I would threaten you with contempt.
But in this case, and I think the Supreme Court will back me up...
...I am seriously considering setting up a torture chamber!
I want this whole ridiculous story...
...told by one person.
Does anybody here think they can handle it?
And while he's telling it...
...the rest of you keep whips...
...red-hot irons in the back of your minds.
Sir, my name is Howard Bannister and I'm from Ames, Iowa.
No, sir, it all started when I bumped my head in the taxi...
...on the way in from the airport.
Are you pleading insanity or amnesia?
Neither. I went to the drugstore to get something for a headache...
...the druggist tried to charge me for a radio.
She said her husband would pay for it. But I didn't, of course.
She ripped my jacket and when Eunice came along...
- Who's Eunice? - Eunice is my fiancée.
You have a wife and a fiancée?
No, sir. But, she kept calling me "Steve."
Your own fiancée calls you Steve?
No, sir, my wife. Or rather the one who isn't my wife.
What does the one who isn't your fiancée call you? Howard?
No, sir, the one who isn't my fiancée doesn't call me Howard.
The one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard.
The one who isn't my fiancée also isn't my wife.
The other one who isn't my wife, who is my fiancée...
...she doesn't call me Steve. She calls me Howard. Do you see?
Let's just skip over this part, and move on.
That night at the banquet she was there again.
Who was there, your wife or your fiancée?
There's a third?
No, sir, the one who isn't either. Everyone was calling her "Burnsy."
- Why? - That's short for Burns, Eunice's last name.
Eunice was there.
No, sir, Burnsy was there, or rather, the one who isn't Burnsy.
I think I want to skip over this part, too.
That night, I went back to my room and she was in the bath.
Who was there? No, don't tell me, just go on.
When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire.
Everything burned. They asked me to leave.
I really don't blame them.
- Is there more? - Sure.
- There's more. - Well, the next day, today...
...Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and to bring Eunice.
Or rather, Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice.
- Is that clear? - No, but it's consistent.
- Shall I go back over it? - No, please, I beg you, don't.
Just go on.
It gets kind of complicated now.
First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
- You and me? - No, not you, Hugh.
I am Hugh.
- You are me? - No, I am Hugh.
Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
- Don't touch me, I'm a doctor. - Of what?
- Music. - Can you fix a hi-fi?
- No, sir. - Then shut up!
He came in and tried to get my case, and then he came in and tried to get his...
...then they came in and tried to get all the cases...
...then shooting started.
They forced me to come. I was out in the car the whole time!
You little fink!
Order! Now this is my last warning!
I intend to get to the bottom of this web of deceit and confusion...
...if it takes me the rest of my life!
Which may end at any minute.
You in the blanket.
You seem to have caused all this.
Exactly what have you got to say for yourself?
- Judy! - Hello, Daddy.
Got your rocks back?
Got your things back.
- Going somewhere? - Back to school.
- Another one. - Sure.
According to the 1970 enrollment studies...
...there are one 1,145 institutions of higher education.
I've got quite a few to go.
Look at that!
Could you give me information about flights to Rio de Janeiro?
It wasn't all so bad, was it?
Of course, it was terrible, that they took the grant away from you.
They had to do that, the Larrabee Foundation isn't used...
...to having to bail its founder out of jail.
There are a lot of other grants.
- I was reading... - I wish you wouldn't tell me about it.
You see, you have this way of making everything sound reasonable...
...and then rooms begin to burn, people start to chase people...
Look at that!
- I guess I owe you $20,000. - Don't be silly.
If I paid you off at $10 a week, we'd be even...
...in 38 years and 5 and a half months. - You did that fast.
- New math, Mount Holyoke. - Miss Maxwell.
- Hello, young man. - Mrs. Van Hoskins.
Miss Maxwell, as you may know, there was a $20,000 reward...
...for the return of my jewels. - $20,000!
I paid for the damage done to your room, that was $2,800.
And then that little car you were in, that was $2,400.
Of course, the two other cars, let me see...
...there was $3,400 for the taxi...
I guess I'd better have my little list.
Yes, of course. $2,600 for the other.
Now the pane of glass you broke was $1,600.
Damages to a costume store, a restaurant, a delivery cart...
...and, goodness me, a Chinese dragon.
One canopy, $2,300 and $1,000 in court costs...
...making a grand total of...
Leaving $50 to be split between you two...
...and the cab driver and that dear little old man...
...and, of course, the gentlemen from the government.
And there you are, my dear. And God bless you. Michael.
That leaves only 38 years, 5 months and 1 week to go.
See, sometimes it's kind of fun.
- I know, but... - Don't tell me, you need peace and quiet.
- You'll miss me. - I know that, too.
- Howard, Howard Bannister! - We have come to see Mr. Simon off.
- What are you doing here, Eunice? - No hard feelings, Bannister?
- C'est la vie. - C'est la guerre.
C'est la dreck.
I will be catching my plane now, so it will be arrivederci to all.
- Don't forget this, Simon. - What?
Would you care to have just a look at it, Bannister?
- That's very nice. - You deserved it, Howard, you really did.
I suppose there are some who think there's some merit...
...in the study of prehistoric mineral tampings...
...but I think the Hugh Simon theory of Swiss scale patterns...
...will stand the test of time. - What is that theory, Mr. Simon?
- I doubt you're qualified to understand. - Try me.
The Simon theory advances the notion that 16th-17th century Swiss composers...
Developed a uni-tonic scale pattern...
...based upon the uniform intervals utilized in the mountaineer yodel.
- You developed this theory? - I invented it.
That should come as some shock to Professor Findelmeyer.
- What are you talking about? - The Findelmeyer Proposition.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Sure you do!
That has never been translated.
Just once! 1925, Harvard Press Musicological Review.
- It's probably out of print... - Of course!
Professor Hydrich Findelmeyer, the University of Zurich, 1911.
The controversial Findelmeyer Proposition. No wonder it sounded so familiar.
- I'm sorry, Simon. - This is unspeakable!
Simon, you're a plagiarist. What's worse, you're a bad loser.
I don't like you and I want you to go away!
The Foundation will make out a new check...
...and send it on to you at the conservatory.
- Thank you, Mr. Larrabee. - Frederick.
Howard, I've asked Eunice to stay on with me for a few days.
In separate quarters, of course.
We've shared a great deal in the past day or so, and I think perhaps...
You know what I mean.
Goodbye, Howard. You'd better hurry or you'll miss your plane.
Come, Frederick, now it is 12:05 and the lecture starts promptly at 1:00.
Well, Judy, I guess...
United Airlines Flight 634, boarding through Gate 62.
What? No, I'm a transfer student.
No, not the University, the Conservatory of Music.
It's in Ames. You never heard of it?
It's a small conservatory, but people love it.
There's a professor there whom I hope to study with...
...a brilliant man, Dr. Howard Bannister.
No, Bannister as in "sliding down the."
You have heard of him?
Yeah, that's right, the nut with the rocks.
What's up, doc?
Did you happen to know that I love you?
- Yeah. - You did? Do?
Listen, kiddo, you can't fight a tidal wave!
About those things I said, I mean, the way I acted back there...
Let me tell you something.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
"We really mean it
That's all, folks.
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