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Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf CD1

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- It's 2 o'clock in the morning. - Oh, George!
Well, it is.
What a cluck you are!
It's late, you know. It's late.
What a dump!
Hey, what's that from? "What a dump!"
How would I know?
Oh, come on, what's it from? You know!
What's it from, for Christ's sake?
What's what from?
I just told you. I just did it.
"What a dump!"
Huh? What's that from?
I haven't the faintest idea.
Dumbbell!
It's from some Bette Davis picture...
...some goddamn Warner Brothers epic.
Martha, I can't remember all the films that came out of Warner Brothers.
Nobody's asking you to remember every Warner Brothers epic.
Just one single little epic. That's all.
Bette Davis gets peritonitis at the end.
And she wears a fright wig throughout the picture.
She's married to Joseph Cotten or something.
Somebody.
She wants to go to Chicago because she loves that actor with the scar.
She gets sick...
...and sits down at her dressing table...
What actor? What scar?
I can't remember his name! What's the picture?
I want to know the name of the picture.
She gets this peritonitis...
...and decides to go to Chicago anyway.
"Chicago"! It's called "Chicago."
What is?
I mean the picture. It's "Chicago."
Oh, good grief!
Don't you know anything?
"Chicago" was a '30s musical...
...starring little Miss Alice Faye. Don't you know anything?
This picture...
...Bette Davis comes home from a hard day at the grocery store...
She works in a grocery store?
She's a housewife. She buys things.
She comes with the groceries...
...and she walks into the modest living room...
...of the modest cottage modest Joseph Cotten set her up in.
Are they married?
Yes, they're married. To each other, cluck!
And she comes in and she looks around this room...
...and she sets down her groceries.
And she says...
..."What a dump!"
She's discontent.
What's the name of the picture?
I really don't know.
Well, think!
I'm tired, dear.
I don't know why you're tired. You didn't do anything today.
- I'm tired. - You didn't have classes.
If your father didn't always set up these Saturday night orgies...
Well, it's just too bad about you.
Well, that's how it is anyway.
You didn't do anything. You never do. You never mix!
You just sit around and talk.
What do you want me to do? Bray at everyone all night like you do?
I don't bray!
All right, you don't bray.
I did not bray.
I said you didn't bray!
Fix me a drink.
Haven't you had enough?
I said fix me a drink!
Well, I don't suppose a nightcap would kill either of us.
A nightcap? Are you kidding?
We've got guests.
Got what?
Guests. Guests!
Yeah, guests. People. We've got guests coming over.
When?
Now.
Good Lord, Martha, do you know what time it is?
Who's coming over?
- What's-their-name. - Who?
Who's what's-their-name?
I don't know their name, George.
We met tonight. They're new. He's in the math department or something.
I don't remember meeting anybody tonight.
Well, you did.
Of all the asinine... Who are these people?
He's in the Math Department.
Who?
He's in the Math Department. He's young and he's blond...
He's good-looking, well-built?
Yes, good-looking, well-built.
- It figures. - What?
Nothing.
His wife's a mousy little type without any hips or anything.
Remember them now?
I guess so. But why do they have to come over now?
Because Daddy said we should be nice to them, that's why.
- Daddy said we should be nice to them. - Why now...?
Because Daddy said we should be nice to them!
He didn't mean we were supposed to stay up all night with them.
We could have them over some Sunday.
Well, never mind. Besides, it is Sunday.
Very early Sunday.
- It's ridiculous! - Well, it's done.
Where are they? If we've got guests, where are they?
They'll be here soon.
What'd they do, go home and get some sleep first?
They'll be here.
I wish you'd tell me...
...about things. Stop springing things on me all the time.
I don't spring things on you all the time.
You really do! You're always springing things on me.
Always.
Poor Georgie Porgie put-upon-pie.
What are you doing? Are you sulking?
Let me see. Are you sulking?
Is that what you're doing?
Never mind.
Just don't bother yourself.
Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf?
What's wrong? Didn't think it's funny? I thought it was a scream.
It was all right.
You laughed when you heard it at the party.
I smiled. I didn't laugh.
You laughed your goddamn head off!
It was all right.
It was a scream.
It was very funny, yes.
You make me puke.
You make me puke.
Wasn't a very nice thing to say.
That wasn't what?
A very nice thing to say.
Oh, I like your anger.
I think that's what I like about you most.
Your anger.
You are such a simp!
You haven't got...
...the what?
Guts?
Phrase-maker.
You never put any ice in my drink. Why is that?
I always put ice in your drinks. You eat it, that's all.
It's this habit you've got of chewing on your ice cubes like a cocker spaniel.
You'll crack your big teeth.
Well, they're my big teeth.
Yeah, some of them, some of them.
I've got more teeth than you have.
Two more.
And you're going bald.
So are you.
Hello, honey.
Come on and give your mommy a big sloppy kiss.
I want a big sloppy kiss!
I don't want to kiss you right now.
Where are these people you invited?
Where is this good looking, well-built young man and his slim-hipped wife?
Talking to Daddy. They'll be here.
Why didn't you want to kiss me?
Why didn't you want to kiss me?
If I kissed you I'd get all excited. I'd get beside myself...
...and then I'd have to take you by force on the living room rug.
Then our guests would walk in and what would your father say about that?
Oh, you pig!
Fix me another drink, lover.
God, you can swill it down, can't you?
I'm thirsty!
Oh, Jesus!
I can drink you under any table you want, so don't worry about me.
You got the prize years ago. You've won every abomination award.
I swear if you existed I'd divorce you.
- Stay on your feet for your guests. - I can't even see you!
If you pass out or throw up... And try to keep your clothes on too.
There's no more sickening sight than you drunk and your skirt over your head.
Your heads, I should say.
Party! Party!
I'm really looking forward to this.
- Go answer the door. - You answer it.
Get to that door, you!
Come on in!
Get over and answer that door.
All right. Whatever love wants. Just don't start on the bit, that's all.
The bit?
What language is that? Imitating one of your students?
Don't start in on the bit about the kid, that's all.
- What do you take me for? - Much too much.
I'll start in on the kid if I want to.
I'd advise against it.
Well, good for you. Get over there and open that door.
You've been advised.
Sure. Get over there.
Yes, love. Whatever love wants.
Some people still have manners...
...and just don't break into people's houses.
Even if they hear a subhuman monster yowling at them from inside.
Goddamn you!
You must be our little guests.
Just ignore old sourpuss here. Come on in, kids!
Just hand your coats to old sourpuss here.
Perhaps we shouldn't have come.
Yes, it is late!
Late! Are you kidding? Just throw your stuff down any place.
Furniture, floor. Makes no difference around here.
I told you we shouldn't have come.
I said come on in. Now come on!
Look, muckmouth, you cut that out!
Martha's a devil with language.
Kids, sit down.
Isn't this lovely?
- Yes, indeed. Very handsome. - Thank you.
Who did the painting?
Some Greek with a mustache Martha attacked one night in a...
It's got a...
- Quiet intensity? - Well, no...
Then a certain noisy relaxed quality maybe?
How about a quietly noisy relaxed intensity?
Dear, you're being joshed.
I'm aware of that.
I am sorry.
It's actually a pictorial representation of the order of Martha's mind.
Fix the kids a drink.
What would you like to drink?
What would you like?
A little brandy maybe. Never mix, never worry!
Brandy? Just brandy. Simple, simple.
What about you...
Bourbon, if you don't mind.
Mind? I don't mind. Don't think I mind.
Martha, rubbing alcohol for you?
Sure. Never mix, never worry!
Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Wasn't that funny? That was so funny!
Yes, it was.
I thought I'd bust a gut!
George didn't think it was funny.
Martha thinks that unless you bust a gut you're not amused.
Unless you carry on like a hyena you're not having fun.
I certainly had fun. It was a wonderful party!
- It certainly was. - Your father, he is so wonderful!
He's quite a guy, isn't he?
You better believe it.
He's a marvelous man.
I'm not tearing him down. We know he's a god.
You lay off my father.
When you've had as many faculty parties as I have...
I rather appreciated it.
I mean aside from enjoying it, I appreciated it.
Meeting, introducing, how he had us stay at the Inn till our place is ready.
When I taught in Kansas...
You won't believe it...
...but we had to make our way all by ourselves. Isn't that right, dear?
We had to make our own way.
I'd have to go up to the wives in the library or the supermarket...
...and say, "Hello, I am new here."
"You must be Mrs. So-and-so, Doctor So-and-so's wife."
It really wasn't very nice at all.
Daddy knows how to run things.
He's a remarkable man.
You bet your sweet life.
I'll tell you a secret.
There are easier things in this world, if you teach at the university...
...than being married to the daughter of...
...the president of that university. There are easier things.
It's a great opportunity. For some men it would be the chance of a lifetime.
There are, believe me, easier things in this world.
Some men would give their right arm for the chance!
In reality that sacrifice is of a more private portion of the anatomy.
Could you show me where the...
Are you all right?
Of course, dear. I just want to put some powder on my nose.
Show her where we keep the euphemism?
I'm sorry. I want to show you the house anyway.
We'll be back, dear.
Honestly, George, you burn me up!
You really do!
Don't shoot your mouth off about you-know-what.
I'll talk about any goddamn thing I want to!
Okay, vanish!
Any goddamn thing I want!
What'll it be?
I'll stick to bourbon.
You're in the Math Department?
No.
Martha said so. I think that's what she said.
Why'd you decide to be a teacher?
The same things that motivated you, I imagine.
Oh? What were they?
What were the things that motivated me?
Well, I'm sure I don't know.
You said the things that motivated you and me were the same.
I said I imagined they were.
Oh, did you?
You like it here?
Yes, it's fine.
I meant the university.
I know. I meant the university.
Well, I like it fine.
You've been here for quite a long time, haven't you?
Oh, yes. Ever since I married what's-her-name. Martha.
Even before that. Forever.
Dashed hopes and good intentions.
Good, better, best, bested!
How do you like that for a declension?
You didn't answer my question.
Don't condescend. I asked you how you liked that declension.
I don't know what to say.
You don't know what to say?
Shall I say it's funny, so you can say it's sad?
Or shall I say it's sad so you can say it's funny? You can play that game!
- Very good! - I think we'll just...
Now, calm down. Just calm down. All right?
Another drink? Here.
I still have one. And when my wife comes down...
What I mean is, you and your wife seem to be having some sort of a...
Martha and I are having nothing. Martha and I are merely exercising.
We're walking what's left of our wits. Pay no attention.
Now let's sit down and talk, huh?
It's just I don't like to become involved in other people's affairs.
You'll get over that. Small college. Musical beds is the faculty sport.
Sir?
Never mind. I wish you wouldn't go "sir." How old are you?
Twenty-eight.
I'm forty-something.
Aren't you surprised? Don't I look older?
I think you look fine.
I've always been lean. I play handball. How much do you weigh?
155,160, something like that? You play handball?
- Not very well. - We'll play sometime.
Martha is 108... years old. She weighs somewhat more than that.
How old is your wife?
She's twenty-six.
Martha is a remarkable woman. I imagine she weighs around 110.
Your wife weighs...
No, my boy, your wife. My wife is Martha.
Yes, I know.
If you were married to Martha you'd know what it means.
If I were married to your wife, I'd know what that means.
Martha says you are in the Math Department or something.
No, I'm not.
She's seldom mistaken. Maybe you should be in it.
I'm a biologist. I'm in the Biology Department.
You're the one's going to make all that trouble making everyone the same.
Rearranging the chromozones, or whatever it is, right?
Not exactly. Chromosomes.
I'm very mistrustful.
You think we learn nothing from history? I'm in the History Department.
Yes, I know.
Martha tells me I'm in the History Department...
...as opposed to being the History Department, in the sense of running it.
I do not run the History Department.
I don't run the Biology Department.
You're twenty-one. Twenty-eight.
Perhaps when you're forty-something you'll run the History Department.
Biology Department.
I'm really very mistrustful!
I read somewhere that science fiction is not really fiction at all.
That you rearrange my genes so that everyone will be like everyone else.
I suspect we shall not have much music or painting.
But we'll have a civilization of sublime young men much like yourself.
Cultures and races will vanish. The ants will take over the world.
Don't know much about science, do you?
I know history. I know when I'm being threatened.
Your wife doesn't have any hips, does she?
I'm not hip-happy. I was implying that your wife is slim-hipped.
Yes, she is.
You got any kids?
No. Not yet. You?
For me to know and you to find out.
No kids, huh?
What's wrong?
Nothing. We wanted to wait till we're settled.
Think you'll be happy here at New Carthage?
Well, we hope to stay here. I don't mean forever.
Don't bandy that about. The Old Man wouldn't like it.
Martha's father expects his staff to come here and grow old...
...and fall in the line of service.
One man, a professor of Latin...
...actually fell in the cafeteria line one lunch.
But the Old Man isn't falling anywhere. He isn't going to die.
There are rumors...
...which you can't breathe to Martha for she foams at the mouth...
...that the Old Man, her father...
...is over two hundred years old.
There's an irony there, but I'm not drunk enough to figure it out.
Damnit!
I wonder what women talk about when men talk. I must find out.
What do you want?
Isn't that a wonderful sound?
How many kids you having?
I don't know. My wife is...
Slim-hipped. Well, there's one of you at least.
You must see this house, dear. This is such a wonderful old house.
For Christ's sake, hang on a minute!
She'll be right down, she's changing.
She's changing? What, her clothes?
- Her dress. - Why?
I imagine that she wants to be comfortable.
Oh, she does, does she?
You don't know!
- You all right, dear? - Yes, dear, perfectly fine.
She wants to be comfortable?
Well, we'll see about that!
I didn't know that you had a son.
- A son. I hadn't known. - You to know and me to find out, huh?
Tomorrow is his birthday. He will be sixteen.
She told you?
- She told you about him? - Yes.
You said she's changing?
- And she mentioned... - Your son's birthday.
You look pale. Would you like...
Yes, dear a little more brandy maybe. Just a drop.
The bar?
Yes, by all means, drink away. You'll need it as years go on.
Damn destructive...
What time is it, dear?
- 2:30. - So late!
We should get home.
Keeping the baby sitter up?
I said we didn't have children.
Sorry, I wasn't even listening.
Or thinking. Whichever applies.
We'll go in a while.
No, you mustn't!
Martha is changing, and not for me. Martha hasn't changed for me in years.
It means we're going to be here days. You're being accorded an honor.
Don't forget Martha is the daughter of our beloved boss... his right arm.
I'd use another word, but leave that sort of talk to Martha.
What sort of talk?
Well, now!
Why, Martha, your Sunday chapel dress!
Oh, that's most attractive!
You like it? Good.
What do you mean screaming up the stairs at me?
We got lonely for the soft purr of your little voice.
Well, you just trot over to the bar-ie-poo...
...and make your little mommy a gweat big dwink.
That's right!
You're quite a guy, getting your masters when you were what, 12?
- Hear that, George? - 12 and a half, actually.
19, really.
- You needn't have mentioned it. - I'm proud of you!
- I'm very impressed. - You're damn right!
I'm wracked with jealousy. What do you want me to do, throw up?
That's very impressive. You should be proud.
He's a pretty nice fellow.
You might take over the History Department.
Biology Department.
Yes. I'm preoccupied with history.
What a remark. "I am preoccupied with history."
George is not. George is preoccupied with the History Department.
He's preoccupied with it...
...because he is not the History Department, he is only in it.
We went through that while you were upstairs.
That's right, baby, keep it clean.
George is bogged down in the History Department.
He's an old bog in the History Department.
That's what George is...
...A bog, a fen, a G.D. Swamp!
Hey, swamp! Hey, swampy!
Can I get you something?
Well, sure.
You can light my cigarette if you're of a mind to.
No. There are limits.
A man puts up with only so much...
...before he descends on the evolutionary ladder which is your line.
I'll hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the bogeyman.
And I'll tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one sees.
But I will not light your cigarette. And that, as they say, is that.
Hey, you played football, huh?
Yes, I was a quarterback.
But I was much more adept at boxing.
Boxing? You hear that, George?
Must've been good. Doesn't look like you got hit in the face.
He was intercollegiate state middleweight champion.
Still looks like you have a pretty good body, is that right?
Decency forbids...
Shut up!
Is that right? Have you kept your body up?
It's still pretty good. I work out.
Yes, he has a very firm body.
Have you? I think that's very nice.
You know, once you have it, you never know...
...when it'll come in handy!
I say, why give it up until you have to?
I couldn't agree with you more!
Your obscenity is beyond human...
George here doesn't cotton too much to body talk.
Paunchy isn't happy when the talk moves to muscles. How much you weigh?
155,150...
Still at the old middleweight limit? That's pretty good!
Tell them about the boxing match we had.
Christ!
Tell them about it.
You tell them, you're good at it.
- Is he all right? - Him? Oh, sure.
We had this boxing match...
...a couple years after we married.
A boxing match? The two of you?
Yeah, the two of us. Really.
I can't imagine it!
Well, it wasn't in a ring or anything like that.
Daddy was on this physical fitness kick.
He had a couple of us over one Sunday and we all went out back...
...and Daddy put the gloves on himself and asked George to box with him.
And George didn't want to.
So Daddy said, "Come on, young man! What sort of a son-in-law are you?"
And while this was going on, I don't know why I did it...
...I got into a pair of gloves myself...
...and I snuck up behind George, just kidding and yelled, "Hey, George!"
And let go with a sort of roundhouse right. Just kidding, you know.
And George wheeled around real quick and caught it right in the jaw!
He caught it right in the jaw!
He was off-balance. He must have been. And then he landed...
...flat in a huckleberry bush!
Pow, you're dead.
Where'd you get that, you bastard?
I've had it awhile. Liked that, did you?
Bastard!
Oh, that was pretty good. Hey, give me a kiss.
- Later, sweetie. - Give me a kiss.
So that's what you're after? We having blue games for the guests?
Everything in its place. Everything in it's own good time.
Drinks now. Drinks for all.
You've nibbled away at your glass.
I need something. I was never so frightened in my life.
Weren't you frightened?
- I don't remember. - I bet you were.
Did you think I was going to kill you?
You? Kill me? That's a laugh!
I might some day.
Fat chance!
Where's the john?
Down the hall and right.
Don't come back with any guns or anything.
You don't need any props, do you, baby?
I'll bet not.
- No fake gun for you! - May I leave my drink here?
Why not? We've got half-filled glasses wherever Martha left them.
In the closet, the bathtub. I found one in the freezer.
- Oh, you did not! - Yes, I did.
- Brandy gives you no hangover? - I never mix.
- I don't drink very much either. - Oh, good.
Your husband was telling us about chromosomes.
- Chromosomes. He's a biologist. - He's in the Math Department.
- Biologist. - He's in the Math Department!
Biology.
Are you sure?
Well, I ought to be sure.
So he's a biologist. Good for him!
Biology's even better.
It's at the meat of things. You're at the meat of things.
- She thought you were Math Department. - Maybe I ought to be.
You stay right where you are. Stay right at the meat of things.
You're obsessed by that phrase. It's ugly.
You stay right there.
You can take over the History Department as easy from there as any place else.
Somebody's got to take over the History Department some day.
And it ain't gonna be Georgie-boy over there, that's for sure.
Are you swampy, are you?
In my mind you are bedded in cement up to the neck.
No, up to the nose, it's quieter.
When is your son...
What?
Something about your son.
When is your son coming home?
When's our son coming home?
Never mind.
I want to know. You brought it up. When's he coming home?
I said never mind. I'm sorry I brought it up.
Him up! Not it! You brought him up, more or less.
When's the little bugger appearing? Isn't tomorrow his birthday?
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it!
She doesn't want to talk about it, him.
Martha is sorry she brought it up. Him.
When's the little bugger coming home?
Since you had the bad taste to bring it up, when is the bugger coming?
George talks disparagingly about the little bugger...
...because he has problems.
What problems has the little bugger got?
Not the little bugger. Stop calling him that!
- You! You've got problems! - Never heard anything more ridiculous.
Neither have I!
George's biggest problem about the... about our son...
...about our great big son is that deep down in the private pit of his gut...
...he is not completely sure that it's his own kid.
My God, you're a wicked woman!
And I've told you a million times, I wouldn't conceive with anyone else.
A deeply wicked person.
I'm not sure this is a subject for...
Martha's lying. I want you to know that Martha is lying.
There are few things I am certain of, but the one thing...
...in this sinking world that I am sure of...
...is my partnership, my chromosomoligical partnership...
...in the creation of our blond-eyed, blue-haired son.
I'm so glad.
- A very pretty speech, George. - Thank you, Martha.
You rose to the occasion good. Real good.
Well. Real well!
Martha knows better.
Yes, I've been to college like everybody else.
George, our son does not have blue hair.
Or blue eyes for that matter. He has green eyes like me.
Beautiful, beautiful green eyes.
He has blue eyes.
Green.
Blue, Martha.
Green, you bastard!
Tut-tut yourself, you old floozy.
He's not a floozie.
He can't be a floozie. You're a floozie.
Now you just watch yourself!
All right!
I'd like another little nipper of brandy please.
- I think you've had enough. - Nonsense!
- We're all ready, I think. - Nonsense!
George has watery blue eyes, kind of milky blue.
Make up your mind.
I gave you the benefit of a doubt. Daddy has green eyes too.
No, he has tiny red eyes, like a white mouse. In fact, he is a white mouse.
You wouldn't say that if he was here. You're a coward!
You know that shock of white hair and these beady red eyes?
A great big white mouse.
George hates Daddy. Not for anything Daddy's done to him, but for his own...
Inadequacies?
That's right. You hit it right on the snout!
You know why the S.O.B. Hates my father?
When George came to the History Department, about 500 years ago...
...Daddy approved of him.
And you want to know what I did, dumb cluck that I am?
I fell for him!
I like that!
She did, you should have seen it.
She'd sit outside my room at night and howl and claw at the turf.
I couldn't work so I married her.
I actually fell for him.
It! That! There!
Martha's a romantic at heart.
That I am.
I actually fell for him. And the match seemed practical too.
For a while Daddy thought George had the stuff...
...to take over when he was ready to retire.
- Stop it! - What do you want?!
- I wouldn't go on if I were you. - You wouldn't? Well, you're not!
You've already sprung a leak about you-know-what.
What?
About the little bugger. Our son.
If you start in on this, I warn you...
- I stand warned. - Do we have to go through this?
Anyway, I married the S.O.B. I had it all planned out.
First he'd take over the History Department, then the whole college.
That's how it was supposed to be!
Getting angry?
That was how it was supposed to be. All very simple.
Daddy thought it was a good idea too. For a while!
Until he started watching for a couple of years.
Getting angry?
Till he watched for a couple years...
...and started thinking it wasn't such a good idea.
That maybe Georgie-boy didn't have the stuff!
That he didn't have it in him!
- Stop it, Martha! - Like hell, I will!
George didn't have much push. He wasn't aggressive.
In fact, he was sort of a flop!
A great big, fat flop!
I said stop it!
I hope that was an empty bottle. You can't afford to waste good liquor.
Not on your salary! Not on an associate professor's salary!
So here I am, stuck with this flop...
...this bog in the History Department.
Who's married to the president's daughter...
...who's expected to be somebody. Not just a nobody!
A bookworm who's so goddamn complacent...
...he can't make anything out of himself.
That doesn't have the guts to make anybody proud of him!
All right, George, stop it!
I'm going to be sick!
She'll be all right. I'll make some coffee.
- You sure? - She'll be okay.
I'm really very sorry.
She really shouldn't drink. She's frail.
Slim-hipped, as you say.
Where's my little yum-yum? Where's Martha?
I think she's going to make some coffee.
She gets sick quite easily.
Martha? No, she hasn't been sick a day in her life.
Unless you count time she spends in the rest home.
No, no. My wife.
My wife gets sick quite easily. Your wife is Martha.
I know.
She doesn't really spend any time in a rest home?
Your wife?
No, yours.
Mine?
She doesn't. I would.
If I were her... she... I would.
But then I'm not and so I don't.
I'd like to, though.
It gets pretty bouncy around here sometimes.
Yes, I'm sure.
- Your wife throws up a lot? - I didn't say that.
I said she gets sick quite easily.
By sick I thought that you meant she...
It's true, actually. She does throw up a lot.
The word is often.
Once she starts there's practically no stopping.
She'll go right on for hours.
Not all the time.
Regularly.
- You can tell time by her? - Just about.
I married her because she was pregnant.
But you said you didn't have any children.
She wasn't really. It was a...
...hysterical pregnancy.
She blew up and then she went down.
And when she was up you married her?
Then she went down.
When I was 16...
...and going to prep school, during the Punic Wars...
...a bunch of us would go to town the first day of vacation...
...before we fanned out to our homes.
And in the evening we would go to a gin mill...
...owned by the gangster-father of one of us...
...and we would drink with the grown-ups and listen to the jazz.
And one time, in the bunch of us...
...there was this...
...boy who was 15...
...and he had killed his mother with a shotgun some years before.
Completely accidentally...
...without even an unconscious motivation, I have no doubt at all.
And this one time this boy went with us and...
...we ordered our drinks...
...and when it came his turn he said...
"I'll have bergin.
"Give me some bergin please. Bergin and water."
We all laughed.
He was blond and he had the face of a cherub, and we all laughed.
And his cheeks went red and the color rose in his neck.
The waiter told people at the next table what the boy said and they laughed...
...and then more people were told and the laughter grew and grew.
No one was laughing more than us...
...and none of us more than the boy who had shot his mother.
And soon everyone in the gin mill knew what the laughter was about...
...and everyone started ordering bergin and laughing when they ordered it.
And soon, of course, the laughter became less general...
...but it did not subside entirely for a very long time.
For always at this table or that...
...someone would order bergin...
...and a whole new area of laughter would rise.
We drank free that night.
We were bought champagne by the management...
...by the gangster-father of one of us.
And, of course, we suffered the next day...
...each of us alone, on his train away from the city...
...and each of us with a grown-up's hangover.
But it was the grandest day...
...of my...
...youth.
What happened to the boy?
The boy who had shot his mother.
I won't tell you.
The next summer on a country road, with his learner's permit...
...and his father sitting to his right, he swerved to avoid a porcupine...
...and drove straight into a large tree.
He was not killed, of course.
In the hospital when he was conscious and out of danger...
...when they told him his father was dead...
...he began to laugh, I have been told.
And his laughter grew and would not stop.
And it was not until after they'd jammed a needle in his arm...
...not until his consciousness had slipped away from him...
...that his laughter subsided. Stopped.
When he recovered from his injuries enough...
...so he could be moved without damage should he struggle...
...he was put in an asylum.
That was thirty years ago.
Is he still there?
Oh, yes.
I'm told that for these thirty years...
...he has not uttered...
...one sound.
That's Big Martha.
She's making coffee.
For your hysterical wife, who goes up and down.
Went.
Up and down.
Went? And no more?
No more. Nothing.
Martha doesn't have hysterical pregnancies.
My wife had one.
Martha doesn't have pregnancies at all.
Do you have any other kids, any daughters or anything?
Do we have any what?
I mean, do you only have the one...
...kid, your son?
No, just one.
One boy.
Our son.
That's nice.
He's a comfort.
He's a beanbag.
A what?
A beanbag. You wouldn't understand.
A beanbag!
I heard! I didn't say I was deaf, I said I didn't understand!
- You didn't say that at all. - I was implying I didn't understand.
- You're getting testy. - I'm sorry!
I just said our son, the apple of our 3 eyes, Martha being a Cyclops...
...our son is a beanbag, and you get testy.
It's late, I'm tired. I've been drinking since 9 o'clock.
My wife is vomiting. There's been a lot of screaming here.
You get testy, naturally. Don't worry about it.
Anybody coming here gets testy. Don't be upset.
- I'm not upset. - You're testy.
I'd like to set you straight about something while we're out here.
About something Martha said.
Hark! Forest sounds.
Animal noises.
Oh, well, here's nursie!
We're sitting up, we're having coffee.
Is there anything I should do?
No, you just stay there and listen to Georgie's side of things.
Bore yourself to death!
You clean up the mess you made in here?
No, Martha, I did not clean up the mess I made.
I've been trying for years to clean up the mess I made.
Have you been trying for years?
Accommodation, adjustment...
...those do seem to be in the order of things.
Don't put me in the same class with you.
No, of course not. I mean things are simpler for you.
You marry a woman because she's all blown up.
- Where I, in my old-fashioned way... - There was more to it than that.
Sure. I bet she has money too.
Yes.
You mean I was right? I hit it?
My God, what archery! First try, too. How about that?
- There were other things. - Yes.
To compensate.
There always are.
Allow me.
Tell me about your wife's money.
No.
Okay, don't.
My father-in-law was a man of the Lord.
And he was very rich.
What faith?
My father-in-law...
...was called by God when he was six or something.
He started preaching, baptized people, and he saved them and then...
...he traveled around a lot and became pretty famous. Not like...
...some of them but...
...pretty famous.
When he died he had a lot of money.
- God's money? - No, his own.
- What about God's money? - He spent it and he saved his own.
I think that's very nice.
Martha has money because...
...Martha's father's second wife...
...not Martha's mother, but after her mother died...
...was a very old lady...
...who had warts, who was very rich.
She was a witch!
She was a good witch, and she married the white mouse...
...with the red eyes, and he must have...
...nibbled her warts or something...
...because she went up in a puff of smoke almost immediately.
And all that was left, apart from some wart medicine...
...was a big, fat will.
Maybe my father-in-law...
...and the witch with the warts should have gotten together.
Because he was a mouse too.
- He was? - Sure!
He was a church mouse!
Your wife never mentioned a stepmother.
Maybe it isn't true.
You realize I've been drawing you out on this stuff...
...because you're a threat to me and I want to get the goods on you.
Sure.
I've warned you. You stand warned.
I stand warned.
You sneaky types worry me the most, you know.
You ineffectual sons of bitches, you're the worst.
I'm glad you don't believe me. You've got history on your side.
You've got history on your side. I've got biology on mine.
History, biology.
- I know the difference. - You don't act it.
We decided you'd take over the History Department first, then the whole works.
A step at a time.
What I thought I'd do is sort of insinuate myself generally. You know!
Find all the weak spots.
Like me.
Become sort of a fact and then turn into a...
A what?
- An inevitability? - Exactly!
An inevitability.
Take over a few courses from the older men.
Plow a few pertinent wives.
Now that's it!
You can shove aside all the older men...
...but until you're plowing pertinent wives you're not working.
That's the way to power. Plow 'em all!
The way to a man's heart...
...the wide, inviting avenue to his job is through his wife...
...and don't you forget it.
WAR
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