About Last Night
So? Tell me about last night.
Are you kidding me? Are you pulling my leg?
- So? - So tits out to here.
- Some 20 years old. - You must be fooling. You devil.
You think she hadn't gone the route?
- She knew the route, did she? - Are you kidding? She wrote the route.
- So where am l? - Probably at the Pancake House.
I'm over at the Pancake House, and this chick walks over to the cash register.
19 or 20 years old. She wants to buy a pack of Viceroys.
She gets the smokes and says she forgot her purse up in her room.
- Was she a pro? - At that age?
At this point, we don't know.
So we sit down and get coffee and she says:
"Come up to my room and I'll pay you back for the smokes."
- You're shitting me. Was she a pro? - At this point, we don't know.
She says, "sit down, you want a drink?" I say, "what have you got?" "Bourbon."
Then what shot does she pull?
A) she says: "I think I'll take a shower".
- And B) she says: "Then let's fuck." - She said that?
- Was she a pro? - At this point, we don't know.
So I say: "I'll join you in the shower, if you have no objections".
So in we go, and does she have a body? Are you kidding me? The tits. The legs.
Are you fucking fooling me? The ass on this broad.
- Young ass? - Well, young broad, young ass.
So we get out and towel each other off in his and her full glory.
While we're toweling off, I flick the towel at her, -
- and by accident, I hit her on the ass, and we got this big red mark.
I'm all sorry and so forth, but what does this broad do -
- but let out a squeal of pleasure that would fucking kill a horse.
What the hell, I'm liberal, so I heave a chair at her.
- Draw blood? - Not yet. But what does she say?
"Wait a minute!" She pulls out a suitcase from under the bed -
- with a World War Il flak suit.
Zip, zip, she gets into the flak suit, we get down on the bed.
- What are you doing? - Fucking!
- But she's in a flak suit. - She leaves the zipper open.
But the shot is, every thirty seconds or so, -
- she wants me to go "BOOM" at the top of my lungs.
So we're humping and pumping, and every once in a while, I go "boom".
In the middle of everything, she turns on a little tape recorder.
I don't know what the shot is. All of a sudden I hear:
I'm pumping away, the tape recorder is making airplane noises.
Every once in a while, I go "boom", and the broad starts going crazy.
She's moaning and groaning -
- and screaming, "Red Dog One to Red Dog Squadron".
Suddenly, she screams, "Wait!" and pulls out a five-gallon jerry can.
It's full of gasoline. She splashes it over the walls -
- pulls out a zippo and "whoosh", the room goes up in flames.
So the tape recorder is going ... , the room is full of smoke -
- and the broad screams, "Do it now, for the love of Christ!"
So I look at the broad, and I figure, fuck this nonsense.
I struggle into my shorts, make it to the elevator.
The place is filled with smoke.
The elevator arrives, and the hall is filled with firemen.
- Those firemen make out like bandits. - Nobody does it normally anymore.
These young broads don't know what the fuck they want.
- You think she was a pro? - A pro, Dan?
A pro is how you think of yourself. See my point?
Come on you scumbags, last inning.
- Where, where? - Right there.
Here comes Debbie's boss. He looks good, let's see if he can hit.
The second baseman has a nice ass.
I refuse to go out with a man, whose ass is smaller than mine.
Your dates will be pretty scarce.
Nice catch, Danny.
I'm making a beer run. Anybody?
- Go get him. - It's the guy with the cute ass.
Let me help you.
- Anytime I can give you a hand ... - I'm finished. Give yourself a hand.
Mother's is giving a party tonight. Winners and losers.
- Good game, Mr Carlson. - I don't want to hear about it now.
- Steve, are you going to Mother's? - I doubt it.
I've been meaning to mention that it's stupid to fuck your boss.
It's a damn good way to lose yourjob.
- Guess who was here last night. - Not the redhead.
- She was here? What did she say? - Ask Bernie, he took her home.
- Redheads lack pigmentation. - They're almost albino.
You bang albino? Well, I have and they're nuts.
Welcome to Mother's, ladies. We're honoured, come on.
- Where are the guys from your team? - Sulking.
First round is on Mother.
I'll be back in a minute.
They'll come at me tomorrow like savages.
- Marauding beasts bent on destruction. - Stop it.
Deborah, you work in advertising. It is a civilized business.
- I work with monsters. - You're talking about five-year-olds.
And my job is to break their spirit. That's what kindergarten is about.
The Germans invented it. Think about it. God, Pat's going in for the kill.
That's a nice turn.
- Coy. - With just a hint of giddiness.
Her big move will come at any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.
There's a 3.2 degree difficulty. Let's see if she can pull it off.
Tell me that getting those advertising girls here wasn't perfect.
Pick a pair.
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
- We do pretty well for ourselves. - We? Did you say "we"?
You've got balls. I do the work, you take the credit.
You know what your problem is? Your face.
Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous.
They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete.
They want a guy like ... Iike me. A guy who'll make them look good.
- A basic Neanderthal type. - The swarthy type. A man's man.
- The kind of guy who's ... - Oozing testosterone?
A young woman today wants a little bulk in her diet.
A big guy who sweats.
Best thing that could happen to you is an industrial accident.
- You're not leaving, are you? - No, we're walking in backwards.
- I'm Debbie. - Hi ... Dan.
This is Joan, my roommate. She specializes in unsolicited attacks.
We're going to lrving's. A 4 o'clock dive for us Kamikaze pilots.
I've been bombed there a couple of times myself.
Quit while you're ahead.
I couldn't help noticing you and noticing you noticing me.
There was a clock over your head.
I'll bet these have been put to a lot of use.
Oh, they work. Good, I just got them today.
- You don't have to run off. - Yes, I do.
It's been a slice of heaven, I just have to go home. It's a habit of mine.
- I can turn on a light. - No, that's alright.
- I can drive you home. - No, thanks.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- What are you doing out here? - I have this guy in my room. A big guy.
Real drunk. Real cute.
This guy is huge.
He's lying face down on the bed like a beached whale. You have to see.
He's dead drunk. He's out like a light.
It would take a crane to get him out.
- Should I tell you? - Did you have a nice evening?
- Yes, and then I crawled away in shame. - Aren't we a couple of sluts?
- I slept with him on the first date. - It wasn't even a date.
I could not help myself because he's so gorgeous.
But can he type?
I guess you'll have the bed to yourself.
She's got this fur-lined bed.
- What kind of fur? - I don't know, but it's fur.
The static electricity from it is sending sparks right to my nuts.
I felt like a human jumper cable.
Did you score last night?
Double headphone deal?
That chick, was she hot?
- She was fun. - Fun?
She was fun?
Have you ever done it in a plane?
Yeah. I once nailed two stewardesses in a 747 at 35,000 feet.
It was "fun".
I had a "fun" time.
Haven't ordered silverware in 6 months. Your customers eat with their toes?
I'll throw in the steak markers.
If some kid throws up on them, they're okay.
- Push the French fries. - The French fries are fabulous.
- Hello? - Hello?
- Who's this? - It's Dan. Dan Martin.
From last night.
I want to talk to you about last night.
That's what I'm calling about.
I was pretty drunk last night. Did anything happen?
No, absolutely nothing. Want to do it again?
- I mean, want to meet for a drink? - I'm awfully sorry.
We called at the same time. It's a sign.
It was a fluke, just like last night.
Could you send up two pages of Bodini Bold press?
- Could you bring this to Room E? - Is that your boss?
Meet me at Mother's at 6 o'clock.
Don't take me for granted, I'll only wait for 4 or 5 hours.
No, I won't need any.
The broad from last night?
I pick up the phone and she's on the line.
Pull this and it plays "Jingle Bells".
- I'm sorry about last night. - That's okay.
That happens when you take life too seriously. What did you do last night?
Went home and took some lithium. You?
Are you busy for lunch? A nice long one in my apartment.
- I can't. This is due tonight. - Tomorrow.
They're fine. The first week they're too scared to cause trouble.
Lisa, honey, I'm on the telephone.
Did the baseball player call you? You shouldn't be wandering the halls.
I will go with you if you need a chaperone.
I need to pick up some art supplies. Meet me at Horder's.
I will buy you a Mickey Mouse pencil-holder.
I really have to go. I'll meet you at five.
It's okay, honey.
Everybody wets their pants, and nobody has to know about it.
What size do you wear?
Six-X? I just happen to have an extra pair in my locker.
They have pictures of Wonder Woman all over them.
- Bernie, they're here. - I guess I get the dog.
Come on, sit down. Here you go.
Bernie, this is Debbie. Debbie, this is Bernie.
You're a very attractive woman. Anyone tell you that before?
Bernie, this is ...
- That's a nice name. Want a drink? - No, I don't want anything.
- I have to go. - Wait.
What do you do? For a living?
- I'm a neurosurgeon. You? - I'm a professional boxer.
Know much about fighting? I'm world heavyweight champion .
- Nice to meet you, Champ. - Wait. One drink won't hurt.
I have something better to do.
I'll meet you at the steam bath tomorrow at six.
Nice meeting you.
Interesting broad. Did she develop her personality in a car crash?
She's nice once you get to know her.
- Are you going to sit down? - Shoot, no.
I'm going to let you do what you got to do.
Don't worry about me. I'll go home. Make a little macaroni and cheese.
Seal the windows and turn on the gas.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I just thought you might be fool enough to sit here until midnight.
Don't look at me like the cat who just ate the canary -
- because this is as far as this goes tonight.
- Are you cold? Do you want a T-shirt? - I don't need anything.
Are you okay? I mean, did you ...
Yeah ... couldn't you tell?
I mean, girls sometimes ...
I mean, guys ... you know.
We just keep you in the dark to make you work harder.
- You're full of secrets. - It's a conspiracy.
You want to know something else?
We went out with older guys in high school to make you jealous.
I knew that, too. Come on, what else?
Our girlfriends ... They're really lesbian lovers.
- You must hate us as a race. Don't you? - Yes, we do.
- Tell me one. - What? A secret?
I don't have any secrets. What you see is what you get.
You going home?
I was stretching. Do you want me to go home?
No, I ... Do you want to?
Do you want me to stay? I don't know if it's such a good idea.
It doesn't mean anything if you stay.
I'd like you to stay ... if you want to.
All right. I'll stay.
I am getting sick and tired of you making fun of me.
I like this place.
"Place". Come on, this is a joint.
Look at the fixtures in here. You can't get this kind of Formica anymore.
Everything in here is art deco.
Yeah, kind of.
- Yo, Gus. How about a refill? - Yo, Dan. You know where the coffee is.
- I'm trying to impress my date. - You shouldn't have brought her here.
Is this the way you talk to all your customers? All three of them?
I like this joint.
Remember last night in bed? You wanted to know something about me.
I want to own my own restaurant.
- Just a real first class joint. - "Danny's".
Who am I kidding? I'll never have that kind of money.
- It all falls apart right there. - You have to get a liquor license.
- It's an outrage. - It's a goddam scandal.
- Washed up at 24. It's tragic. - You know what? You're alright.
If you answer it, I'll kill you.
- Where have you been? - I got hung up.
- Steve called. - What did he say?
- He said where the hell were you? - What did you tell him?
That you have to wait 24 hours before you file a missing person's report.
I thought you were in somebody's trunk.
- I was with Danny. - I waited for you at the steam bath.
Just sweating my ass of with some fat women from the old country -
- who don't speak any English.
- Was I supposed to talk to myself? - I'm sorry.
It's the same old thing.
I bet in high school, you just dropped your friends whenever some guy called.
- Who didn't? - I didn't.
But I didn't have a whole lot of dates.
- Don't pull that. - It's not fair.
We've stayed friends, because we don't take each other for granted.
I'm sorry. I got hurt.
I must be a little too sensitive.
- What's for breakfast? - Egg McMuffin on Broadway.
- He was supposed to come today. - He came a day earlier.
You must expect that, Danny. This is a business.
You don't do what you did. I'd like to spend a day with my kid.
Miss Lyons would like to spend a day with her family, but we don't do that.
I really don't know, Danny. Let me ask you something.
- Who should get the commission? - I spent 3 months setting up this deal.
Who signed it? Me. Who put it to bed? Me.
It all boils down to the same thing. Business is a game of inches.
- Then don't give it to me. - I want you to have it.
When you started here, I said, "Welcome aboard", and I meant it.
All I'm trying to do is show you a lesson.
I'll be just a few more minutes.
- How was work? - I caught hell.
- God, another smoker. Would you mind? - I'm sorry, you're eating.
- My boss is mad at me, too. - I bet he was.
I just added another seven minutes to your life.
- I don't expect a thank you. - Thank you.
- Worried about Western civilization? - Not particularly. Not tonight.
- It's collapsing, or didn't you notice? - I live in a pretty good neighbourhood.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
We have to go, our movie starts in ten minutes.
- Want to come? - Sure.
Give me a minute to get ready.
Tomorrow ... are we going to the auto show?
- I was going to call Debbie. - Seeing a lot of her, huh?
- Have you called her this week? - Twice.
You called her twice? Never call a broad more than once a week
He forgets to call one day, big deal. Two days, it's an oversight.
- But 3 days? He's sleeping around. - It's a free country.
- That's ... what's-her-name. - Debbie.
We're in the middle of an issue.
If he's going to sleep over 3 nights a week, he can pay half the rent.
But if I ask him to pay half the rent, it's like asking him to move in with me.
What's in it for you?
- Maybe she loves the guy. - Maybe I enjoy it.
Would you put up with a dog that came home three nights a week?
- I'm going to make a phone call. - That was funny.
Oh God, I'm sorry. This is no good.
I don't think I can see you anymore.
Don't be offended, because I like you. I think you're terrific.
It's just that I'm seeing someone else.
- Who? - Nobody. You don't know him.
If that's the way you want it.
See what happens when people don't say, "I love you"?
Sometimes you can be a real son-of-a-bitch.
Come on. I thought we had something special.
No, it was kind of sleazy. And now ... it's kind of over.
Just a minute.
Are you okay? ls something wrong?
Nothing. Everything is great.
- Bye. - Wait a minute.
I wanted to let you know I was fine. And now I have, so good night.
I was going to call and ... I should have called.
Don't try to make me feel better. I don't care if you call.
In fact, don't! Don't try to make me feel better.
- Want to come in? - I may be easy, but I'm not stupid.
Just for a minute. I missed you.
- Just for a minute. - Absolutely not.
You're so good. You're the best.
- You say that to all your guys. - Yep, and they believe it.
God, I love y ...
- I love making love with you. - I love making love with you, too.
You're getting serious. She seemed like a hell of a girl.
What little I saw of her. Not too this, not too that.
I only saw her for a minute. First impressions are often misleading.
Does she give head? To you. Does she give head to you?
Don't look at me like that. Just get out of bed, you bum.
I've been thinking.
For the last two months, you've been carrying your undies in a paper bag.
I think you ought to have a drawer here.
A drawer? A whole drawer?
That's a big step. You'd better think about it.
- Take a drawer. - Are you sure?
Maybe a small one in the kitchen next to the utensils or something.
Look at the divorce rate. Men and women fight for their lives.
The sexes relate in a very violent way.
And we're the ones, who end up giving up so much of ourselves.
We lose so much along the way. Come on, disagree with me.
- I mean, it's a dirty job. - I disagree with you.
Are you going to drink that soda?
- Perhaps I could have it. - I'm moving in with Danny.
I give you two months.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Some of those are Joan's.
- You want to separate them? - They won't separate themselves.
I don't suppose they will. Is this your Shostakovich?
It's Sho-sta-ko-vich, and it's mine.
- What are we going to do about the TV? - Why don't you keep it? I have a TV.
Good for you. I insist on paying half of it, so I'll write you a check.
- Fine. I'll get it next week. - Can you come by Tuesday night?
- Can Debbie come by Tuesday night? - That's funny.
Why don't you take this, and shove it up your ass?
Very telling. On your instructions, I am supposed to torture myself anally.
Does Deborah know what you're into? You're moving out, so move out.
- She's moving out. - Move her out and the hell with you.
I hope you'll be very happy.
I got it.
- Do you want a cup of tea? - Tea? No, thanks. I'm a coffee drinker.
Come on, expand your horizons a little.
I got it.
Danny? Hi, it's Alex.
Long time no see.
- Is this a bad time? - No ... I kind of met somebody.
You think my husband and kids are replicants?
Sweetheart, we all have to make sacrifices in our relationships.
She's there. Well, give her a kiss from me.
I'd like to leave you with one final bit of advice.
I'm in the book.
To tell you the truth, we're living together.
Her name is Debbie.
Thank you, I'll tell her.
- Don't tell me. Your cousin. - No, that was my mom.
Mom disappointed that you won't be sleeping with her anymore?
It was an old girlfriend. It's history. You heard me say it, right?
It's okay. I'll just have to get used to it.
What kind of tea is this? It's actually pretty good ...
What's going on? Do you not want me here?
You're right. We gave it our best shot, but it didn't work out.
This is nuts! We talked about it once for 1 0 minutes in bed.
- It's not that complicated. - It's already different.
Things are going to change a bit.
We're not Siamese twins fused at the hip.
And we're not talking about marriage.
- Are we? - No.
You'll have your life and your friends, and I'll have ...
You always have the right thing to say.
You think my responses are programmed?
- You think I'm a ... a replicant? - Shit!
- What are you doing? Give me that! - I'm sorry.
- I made this in Girl Scouts'. - It's nice.
It was for my hope chest.
This is our place.
You're not an overnight guest anymore.
Danny, heads up.
- Who the hell is that? - It's Carmen. She works in shipping.
See that look she just gave you? You know she isn't wearing underpants.
Here she comes. Hi, how are you?
This is Danny.
- How's what's-her-name? - Debbie. She's great.
What do you guys do? Go to the zoo? Go shopping?
She looks very intellectual. That's not always a bad thing.
If a guy wants to get on with a broad on a stable basis, who's to say no.
A lot of broads today, you just don't know.
A woman in today's society who's 22-23 ...
You don't know where the fuck she's been.
It's your business.
You guys go out and have lunch. We'll make you a lot of money.
- Danny. Shit-can the Sparrow. - The Swallow?
No more credit, he's two months behind. Danny, he's a loser. Cut him off.
For $600 I can have him put to sleep.
Don't do this to me. You're cutting my throat.
How many years do we go back? I've always paid.
I'll change the menu. Look at me.
It was my Dad's place. I'm begging you.
In front of God, my family, the neighbourhood ...
Please, don't do this to me.
I'm sorry, honey.
Is everything okay?
Are you sure?
- Sure. Are you okay? - Sure.
Dan, you up?
Are you sleeping? You asleep?
I can't sleep.
Are you sleeping? Did I wake you?
- Nose hair clippers. - I didn't know what ...
- Nose hair. - I'm sorry, I shouldn't be ...
- I was snooping. - It's okay.
No, it's not right. It's wrong.
It's wrong that I don't know you very well.
I'm sneaking through your drawers, looking for I don't know what.
- This is wrong. Everything's wrong. - What's wrong?
I don't want to be your roommate.
I had a roommate.
I want to be closer. I want to be a couple.
- We can do that. I thought you said ... - I don't care what I said.
I just want to know you better.
And when something's bothering you, I want to know about it.
- Because it's my problem, too. - We can do that.
- I just don't want you to be unhappy. - I'm not unhappy. I'm not.
- I hope we didn't wake Mrs Boelter. - I know she can hear us.
- Don't move. - What?
- You look so good in that light. - What light?
- The light coming through the window. - Get out of here.
God, you're so beautiful.
I love you, Danny.
I love you, too.
- Who said it first? - I did.
Was it before you came or after?
- That bathroom is so tiny. - Was he home?
- When you called, was he home? - No, but it's sandwich night anyway.
Two nights a week I cook. Two nights a week he cooks.
Two nights we go out. And then there's sandwich night.
I bet your sex life is a real thrill.
Two nights a week you're on top. Two nights a week he's on top.
So what is it you do on sandwich night?
So is this guy going to marry you?
Are you insane? We don't talk about marriage.
We don't talk about next week.
We just don't talk about things -
- that are just stuff like that. You know?
So how about those Cubs, huh?
- Is something wrong? - No, it's fine.
- Don't worry. You're not a daddy. - I'm not? Was l?
No, I was late and I was worried, so I just checked it out.
- I thought we were being careful. - We were.
I was ... I am. I was late and I was worried that I was pregnant.
But you're not.
No, I'm not.
- I'm sorry, honey. - It's no big deal.
- You look sad. - I'm fine.
- Are you disappointed? - No.
Honest to God, I didn't want to be pregnant.
I just, you know ...
I was ... I thought ...
Well, maybe I am a little.
Martin, you're 14-carat fuck-up!
- Something wrong? - Goddam smartmouth.
You think people like that mouth? Mr big shot.
- Why didn't you cut out that dump? - The Swallow?
I say dump, you connect it with the Swallow. You know what a swallow is?
- It's a bird. - Yeah, a loser bird. A dodo.
- He gave us a lot of business. - I told you to freeze him out.
- The guy's got a family. - The whole country's full of families!
- Business is business. Cut him off. - Fuck you.
- Fuck me? Fuck you. - Fuck you!
Fuck you, Martin.
Good morning, officer. Top ofthe morning to you.
Honey, I'll be home around six. Shall I pick you up some beer?
Are you going to be okay?
I hate that son-of-a-bitch.
If you don't want to go back to work, don't go.
Honey, it's what I do.
I have spent my life stuffing more unneeded restaurant supplies -
- on the shelves of more unneeded restaurants than any other salesman.
I didn't finish college. I don't have a million bucks. What am I going to do?
You've said you wanted to open up your own restaurant.
- How? With what? - You can go to a bank.
- Honey, it's complicated. - It's not that complicated.
I'm making plenty of money to tide us over.
I'm sorry. Just trying to help.
- Favio wants you back. - Did he apologize?
- You want a fucking dozen roses? - I should have decked him.
You're a lunatic.
In six more years, you get profit sharing and Favio's job.
And I'm plugging Mrs Lyons and chewing the ass of guys like you and me.
You didn't say that 3 months ago. Come on, what is it?
- Does she want you out? - What?
Is she pushing you to get out? The permanent piece at home.
- Don't start on her. - What the fuck is your problem?
You don't go here, you don't go there. You have no job.
You're as much fun as a stick.
I'd cut him off, but it's your decision. I just wish you'd come back.
I miss you, man.
I know you did what you could.
Are you going to play basketball?
- Could I show you this first ... - Could you clean up some of this shit?
- Did you get a turkey for tomorrow? - No, I got a ham.
You can't have ham for Thanksgiving, you have to have a turkey.
You'll have turkey sandwiches until Easter.
- I told Bernie we'd have turkey. - You asked Bernie?
- He's my friend. - Then I'll ask Joan.
- They'll be at each other's throats. - Then don't invite her.
- I will, she's my friend. - Suit yourself.
- Did I do something wrong? - No.
I went back to work today with my goddam tail between my legs.
I'll leave you alone.
I don't care what you did or who you were with.
I would have appreciated a call and maybe a little help today.
- I'm hung over, so shoot me. - Don't tempt me.
Besides, they can't eat all this. Don't work so hard for Bernie.
It's for Joan, too. Please put the cranberry sauce in that dish.
All of these airs and graces are for Joan.
It's for both. At least Joan sits down while she eats.
She's a real lady, that one.
You want me to make Bernie feel at home? I'll serve him some bread and Velveeta.
He's a better person than that bitch on wheels. She's trying to sabotage us.
And he's full of comfort and support. He hates me and I'm slaving for him.
- I did all the hard stuff. - You did not!
- Danny, please, you did not! - I did, too.
I mashed the potatoes, made the stuffing and a salad. You cooked the turkey.
You son-of-a-bitch! I did all the shopping, all the preparations.
Look at this goddam spread.
God, she looks great. And she baked us a pie. That's terrific.
Your vulgarian friend is downstairs denting innocent people's fenders.
You got a terrific little homemaker.
- Guess who's been asking about you. - Carmen? What did she say?
- You're practically a married man. - Come on, what did she say?
Basically, she's got this desire to GRAB YOUR JOINT!
Shut up! Touchdown!
It's official. I've become my mother.
- Did he help at all? - Hardly. I hate this spoon.
Let me tell you about Gary.
He's tall. He's nice to me. He's intelligent.
And he doesn't make me sleep in the wet spot.
It's a trick. I bet he's a shit.
I think he is truly concerned with my happiness.
Then he'll be a big help next year, when we all come to your house.
He's asked me out for New Year's. And did I mention that he is a lawyer?
I have to meet him in half an hour so let's smoke this now.
I haven't been stoned in ages. He doesn't like to smoke.
Do I seem different to you?
All I'm saying is that maid service is not included in the package -
- and if you want to do this little domestic show in the future -
- just be ready to handle the weight.
I should have, but I didn't. I won't always follow your grand plan.
- I don't have any grand plan. - Who invented sandwich night?
That has nothing to do with this. All I'm asking for is help.
Because you tried to turn this dinner into a damn Norman Rockwell painting.
Please don't put this on the counter. See this black stuff?
It gets in the porcelain, and then on my fingers.
I'll make an effort.
And make an effort to put these wrappers in the trash. Or flush them.
You want me to waste 8 gallons of water -
- so you don't have to see paper with "Tampax" written on it?
You didn't even say "Tampax". Does it offend you that much?
- Just hit the trash can or the toilet. - I'll work on my dunk shot.
You don't need all that shit. You look pretty the way you are.
You look great the way you are.
Why do you wear all that stuff? To impress your boss?
- Bernie says you go out with him. - I used to. It's no big secret.
- Then why didn't I know about it? - You never asked.
- Did you sleep with him? - No, we were bowling partners.
So you fucked him, and you see him every goddam day. That's just great.
I'm not sleeping around. If that's what you want, then have the balls to say so.
- Where are you going? - I'm not staying here.
- I'll leave. - Don't be ridiculous. You live here.
We live here!
He is not worth it.
- I hate that number they play. - Establishing dominance?
I feel like a fire hydrant that's been pissed on.
Maybe it's job-related. He does sell toilet paper.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I feel like we're a couple of kids playing house.
- What's it supposed to be like? - Holidays are hard on some guys.
That's not it. I used the big "L" word.
You tell someone you love them and all you get is a headache.
- What's going on? - There's someone I want you to meet.
- Nice to meet you. Excuse the attire. - She had a blowout with her boyfriend.
Guys can be real assholes sometimes.
Get some sleep and it'll all get fixed in the morning. He'll come around.
And if he doesn't, you can always move back in here.
"And then an angel of the Lord descended upon the Virgin Mary"
- What's "descended"? - Came down from out of the sky.
"And then an angel of the Lord descended upon the Virgin Mary ... "
What's a virgin?
- That is someone who's never had sex. - What's sex?
- Sex is how men and women make babies. - Are you a virgin?
- No. - So you have a baby?
No ... Men and women who don't want babies, also have sex.
- What for? - For about 10 or 1 5 minutes.
And Santa came down the chimney ... Dan, hold on a second.
There's a broad who's dying to meet you. Come here.
This is Carmen. This is Danny.
Bernie says you want to go dancing later on. Like, what time?
I have to take a rain check tonight.
Come dancing. We'll go to my place, have a party.
- Play "Spin the Pickle". - I can't. There's been tension at home.
I'm sorry about that, Dan. But Carmen is a sure thing. She's hot.
She'll grab yourjoint on the dance floor.
Merry Christmas, Bernie.
Yeah, merry Christmas, Danny.
My friend, Alan. How are you?
Hold this for me, please.
- Don't you think about me anymore? - Sure.
- What we had was pretty good. - It was fine.
Remember last year's party? What we did in here?
- Steve, don't. Just turn on the lights. - I couldn't keep you from laughing.
- There's somebody else now. - I don't see a ring.
I don't need a ring, asshole. Look at me. Don't I look different?
I'm in love, can't you tell? This has never happened to me before.
I want to have ten kids with this guy. Jesus, doesn't it show?
Does he love you?
I don't know.
This is my boss, Steve. This is Dan.
Take it easy, it's alright.
Take it easy.
This is great, honey.
- You look very elegant in that suit. - My girlfriend picked it out.
To you ... to me ... to us. And to a happy New Year.
I used pecans in the dressing.
This is Bernie. You with your girl? Get your ass down to Mother's now.
- Bernie? - What's left of him. He's at Mother's.
Everybody's at Mother's.
- Let's go. - Are you sure?
Happy New Year. I've been waiting for you.
This is Crystal. I want to show you this bit.
I won't let you go until you do it.
- It gets old if you do it too much. - This is Debbie. Show her your tattoo.
Let's get a drink. I'll be the Refrigerator, you be Payton.
Danny, dance with me.
- You look great. - So do you.
I bet you're terrific. I know I am.
Maybe someday we'll find out.
Wait, wait ... now!
Good to see you again. I've been waiting all night to see you.
- How about now? - Right here?
I couldn't tell you before.
- Just one little kiss. - One New Year's kiss.
- Joan, please. Calm down! - Get away from me!
Let me get by. Get away from me. You are a son-of-a-bitch.
You stay away from me.
- Joan, what's wrong? - What the hell do you care?
I care ... I'm sorry. I haven't been a good friend lately.
- Nothing! Just leave me alone! - Just give us a minute.
- I am such a fool. - Tell me. I'm your best friend.
- He's going back with his wife. - I didn't even know he was married.
Neither did l.
- Chug it, Bernie. - I can't drink any more champagne.
- I'm taking Joan home. - It's almost midnight.
She's really a mess.
She always falls apart so you have to take care of her.
Gary just dumped her.
Proving to herself once again that all men are selfish bastards.
That broad doesn't know a thing about keeping a guy happy.
I'm surprised he didn't leave skid marks.
- Just put her in a cab. - It's New Year's Eve.
Give the cabbie $50 and maybe she'll get a New Year's pop.
- Sometimes you're just slime. - Don't you see a pattern here?
She puts her hooks in him and he tries for daylight and he's the asshole.
No, you're the asshole!
- What the hell was that all about? - She needs me.
- I need you. - To help you have a good time?
When was the last time we had a good time?
Go back to your friends in the bar. The hooks are out, so run for daylight.
That's great. Happy New Year.
I'm sorry. It's not working out, is it?
Here we go.
Just say it.
Just say what you're going to say.
I think one of us should move out.
I do, too.
- I said I'm sorry. - What are you sorry for?
I'm sorry that it didn't work out. I need some time.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
You started strong and you're finishing like a wimp. Quit while you're ahead.
- That's what I'm trying to do. - Let's see your face on that one.
Do you mind?
Good. I think we've been in the dark long enough.
I know why I'm leaving. What killed it for you?
The radical change in your lifestyle? Decided you wanted to travel light?
Or did you fear someone better would come along while you were stuck with me?
Why can't you see it for what it is? Nothing more, nothing less.
Two people committed to screwing until they get sick of each other?
I don't want marriage. I don't want children.
I don't want to be tied down.
I'm not happy.
I don't ... Iove you anymore.
Fine. I'm gone. It's done.
You can go back to doing whatever you want to do -
- with whoever you want to do it with in whatever orifice you want to.
You leave here knowing one thing. I never fooled around.
Let's give the boy a medal. I didn't know it was such a sacrifice.
Are you okay?
Could you not be here tomorrow so I can pick up the rest of my stuff?
Honey, I hope you find him someday.
- I knew you'd be back on your feet. - You know what? I like women.
I like all kinds of women.
I especially like women I don't know very well.
He's back. He's happening.
This is the place.
Tonight we ride.
A bottle of your best cognac and fresh horses for the men.
I have a little confession to make.
When lra told me he was fixing me up with Joan's best friend -
- I was a tad apprehensive. You know how awful this can be, right?
I was not the least bit prepared for her to be so charming and delightful.
You're very sweet.
And that accent. Couldn't you just listen to him all night?
Colin's too bashful to mention it, but he's a whiz at card tricks.
Don't put me on the spot like that.
Those are exquisite earrings.
Where did this come from? Did you know it was up there?
I'm going home.
Good morning to you.
I had such a wonderful time last night. You were so good.
I have breakfast in the oven. I hope you like soufflé.
And I talked to my mother ...
Are we doing it here because it's exotic -
- or are you having your place bombed for roaches?
Do you live around here?
- I'm sorry. - Are you going in?
I really like you a lot.
I can't do this.
I have my eyes closed and I'm thinking you're somebody else.
I'm really sorry. What am I going to do?
You didn't close? ls that what you're telling me?
- You leave a chick like that hanging? - I don't know.
Tits and ass, tits and ass ...
Bloody blue, bloody blue ...
- I don't know. - So don't know.
You want to sell your birthright for a bit of pussy?
You back off! She was the best thing that ...
She was the best fuck you ever had. You're thinking with your dick.
No, I loved her. Don't you understand? I still love her.
I do. You know this babe last night?
You got her number or what?
You've got problems.
Don't ever lose your sense of humour.
Hey, stranger. How's it going?
We have a bad connection. I can't hear you. Let's talk over lunch.
- You're serious? - Yeah, I am. Hang on a second.
I don't know what I was trying to figure out. These last few weeks ...
They've been miserable.
I can't stand going out or being at home, because it reminds me of you.
I can't work.
Everything is falling apart -
- because I miss you. I need to see you again.
I'll send you a picture.
Just give me one more chance.
I don't want you ever to bother me again.
- Are you sure you want to be here? - It's St. Patrick's Day.
- Guess who I met at the supermarket? - St. Patrick?
I see we took our happy pill today. Danny.
He said hello to me.
I ignored him, so guess what he does.
He starts screaming at the top of his lungs. "Hello! Hello!"
Like a lunatic. I got the hell out of there.
That guy is a maniac.
Do you think he was hitting on me? To get back at you.
Speak of the devil.
Stop following me. I don't want to start drinking in the suburbs.
- I love you. - Let's not get corny.
- I love you. - I'm going home.
- Just get away from me. - I love you.
When we were together you couldn't say it.
- I did say it. - Once. You didn't even mean it.
- I did. I love you. - It will pass.
- I miss you. I miss what we had. - We had nothing.
- It's not true. It was the best. - We had nothing. We had good sex.
Don't say that. I love you.
Bullshit. You don't know what love is.
You've got everything you've always wanted -
- but now there's something you want that you can't have.
But you had it. I gave you love. But you asked me to leave.
Let's talk about it.
It took me a long time to get over it, and it was so hard.
Dan, get on with your life. It's over.
Mr Martin. So nice of you to show up. The Prince of Plates is here.
Vic, come on, where are you going. We're going to get you home.
Get him a cab.
- Give me a gin and tonic. - Last call was half an hour ago.
- Give me one or I'll kill you. - Just one.
I've always wanted to do this. I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.
And I didn't think you had a decent bone in your entire body.
- Leave my bone out of this. - You're a filthy scumbag.
And you dress for shit.
A toast to Danny and Debbie.
- They're better off anyway. - Fuckin' A.
- She's happy, right? So is he. - Ecstatic.
- I bet she starts banging her boss. - I bet he catches a disease.
You know what?
If you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head.
You're a psychopathic, schizophrenic, maladjusted social misfit -
- clearly in the middle of a deep homosexual panic.
So you want to dance or what?
- I love it. - To you, this is culture.
To me, it's soda pop.
Everyone said you were dead. They said -
- "Dan is dead", but I said "No, no".
"He was my best friend. He would've called me for the funeral."
- Hello, Litko. - Shut up and cut the small talk.
I have a deal for you. I have some tall fountain glasses.
Where did you find those?
I have matching banana boats. And take a fucking look at this.
A shitload of Fiestaware. All yours at the low Litko discount.
- How much? - 100% off.
- Bernie, I can't do that. - Come on, I can't do better than that.
- I can't. - I stole it.
You did not.
I tell you I'm a thief, and you call me a liar.
Nice guy. What's this?
A menu? A pink menu?
$4.95 for a burger? I can get one down the street for $1 .50.
No parking. You won't catch me around here.
Awnings. Nice touch, Danny. The place ought to do okay.
You'll meet a nice girl, settle down, get married.
She'll divorce you and take your money.
"You learn from your mistakes."
"Man is the one animal that has that capacity."
"And in the end, what do you have? You have your friends."
It's not really therapy. It's like a workshop.
Don't you think it's about time you tried helping yourself?
It's not me helping myself. It's you helping myself.
This workshop was made for you. A weekend dealing with rage and anger.
With men and women. Sharing. Working out their hate.
I'm sick of hating. Don't you understand?
- I don't think I have any hate left. - Yes, you do. You just don't know it.
Just wait a second. I'll tell you something about yourself.
You and this psycho-babble are full of shit.
You did everything in your power to break us up.
Don't you dare tell me about friendship.
I'm such a bitch.
How do you put up with me?
If I didn't love you so much, I'd throw you out the window.
Will you look at those nipples? T-shirt, blue shorts.
Are you fucking kidding me? Are you pulling my leg?
- That is a sensitive lady. - I think I can see her beaver.
- I'm telling you. - Get out of here.
- See? - I can't make it out.
- When she bends over. Top of her legs. - I know where it is!
You have to look really close.
That fucking pisses me off. How does she get off with that?
Coming to the ballpark. Flaunting her body.
What's a fellow to think? A fellow comes here to play ball, right?
We're talking about space. Recreational fucking space!
- Are you alright? - Do I look alright?
- You look fine. - Then let's assume I'm alright.
Look at those ... Shit. It's what's-her-name.
Pretend you don't see her. Don't look at her.
- Now she sees you. - For Christ's sake.
The way I see it, either you can stay here and keep blaming me -
- or go talk to him and only have yourself to blame.
- Could you excuse us? - Sure, go ahead.
- Come on, man. - Don't be a jerk your whole life.
She said don't be an asshole.
You're trying ... you want to talk. Go ahead.
Want a hot dog? Deb, you want a hot ltalian sausage?
- How have you been? - Great. You look great.
Thanks. So do you.
- I'm sorry things got so screwed up. - I'm sorry, too.
That's really all I wanted to say.
- We really ripped it to shreds. - It wasn't that bad.
As bad as it got, I really think it was the best thing around.
I thought it was to be the way it was with my parents.
I just wish I hadn't pushed. Maybe if we'd gone slower ...
No, it was me.
- I thought it would be different ... - Than what it was really like.
Me, too. Maybe we were just too naive.
- Maybe we knew too much. - That, too.
But how can you be against freedom? Freedom's good.
You have to believe in something.
I want you to know that when we were together ... I was really happy.
I've got to go.
- Could we have dinner sometime? - Yeah, we could.
My roommate is going out of town for the weekend -
- and I don't have any special plans for tonight even.
If you were in the neighbourhood, we could do Chinese or something.
- I know a great new restaurant. - Let's just go to some old joint.
It's not new. It's an old joint that's been re ...
Let's sit with this a while.
I'll ride off into the sunset.
- Mind if I watch? - I was hoping you would.
I can't believe we're doing this. Why are we doing this?
Boy, she had a bug up her ass.
I'm going to stick around all day with that face, with that attitude?
You're no good to the team. Get lost ... Come on, go home.
Isn't this a coincidence.
I was thinking ...
A I - Artificial Intelligence
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About Last Night
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