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Spell checked by|HxHPRC|The best of the best Enjoy the movie ..|Now! [ Woman Moaning ] Ahh ! Ohh ! - Ohh.|- [ Man Moaning ] Oh, yeah. Ohh,|you're so good. Ohh, yes.|I am the best, baby. - [ Woman On TV ] Oh, yeah !|- Oh. Oh, that was a tit. - That is a tit ! Yes !|- [ Moaning Continues ] [ Woman ] Oh, you're so big ! Oh, yeah. Yeah,|that's right, baby. - [ Man On TV ] Oh, doggie|wants to hide his bone. - [ Woman ] Yes ! Oh, yeah !|I'm bone smuggling, baby. - Man, would you shut up !|- [ Moaning Continues ] Hey, Jimmy.|Just wanted to say sweet dreams. Yeah, yeah.|Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom. - Kiss good night.|- [ Moaning Continues ] - [ Mom ] Something wrong|with the reception ? - Uh, yeah. Yeah. - There's-- There's this nature|show that I'm trying to watch. - [ Man On TV ] Take it off. - And the birds are|all scrambled and I can't even-- - [ Woman On TV ] Do me ! Yes ! - [ Jimmy Groans ]|- Baby ! Ride me like a pony ! - The thing must be broken or I|sat on the remote or something. - [ Moans Continue ] - Getting ready for bed, son ?|- Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set. - Yeah ?|- No ! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels. - Illegal-- Illegal channels ?|- This is just bad reception, honey. -[ Man On TV ] Oh, spank my hairy ass !|-What's that ? - Ooh, baby !|- You know what ? Here. Just give me this, please-- - Oh, my God !|- And let's get this-- Ohh ! Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's|the matter with this thing ? [ Woman On TV ] Yes ! [ Woman On TV ] Yes ! [ Boy ] Illegal channels ?|Shit ! If there's any channel that|should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel. - Lifetime supply|of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah. Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid|on TV the other night ? - No.|- Ariel, man. She's so hot ! - Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.|- She's a mermaid, dude. [ Boy ] Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's|party. We got to go. It'll be great. [ Vicky ] Why ? All that|happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it. Yeah. [ Vicky ] Now, come on, Kevin.|Open it. It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.|You got in. If you think so,|just open it. - Fine.|- ** [ Rock ] Hmm. "Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but|after keeping you on the waiting list... for the past couple of months, we've|decided that you are now rejected." - Shut up !|- [ Both Giggling ] - You got in.|- [ Squeals ] Yes ! I love you ! - -**-** [ Continuing ]|- [ Chuckling ] Okay. Hey, you think I should wear|this shirt to Stifler's party ? [ Scoffs ] You've worn that shirt for,|like, three days in a row, man ! Guys.|She said it. - Said what ? [ Chuckles ]|- She said she loves me. - Holy shit, dude ! The "L" word ?|- Oh, man ! Cornell's not|that far from "U" of "M." Yeah, it's only,|like, seven hours. Oh, and you get|to drive across Canada. - Beautiful country.|- Whatever. It's doable. Wh-What we should|do today, in band. Instead of playing|our instruments regularly, we should play them backwards. - That'll be so funny !|- Yeah. -**-** [ Noodling ] No offense, but you're talking|about a post-high school, long-distance relationship. And you and Kevin|haven't even done it yet. That's not why|we're going out. What do you expect him to drive|to Cornell for ? Milk and cookies ? We're gonna have sex|when he's ready and I'm ready. It's got to be|completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment,|the right place-- Vicky, it's not|a space shuttle launch. It's sex. - Finch.|- Here's the man we are looking for. - Gentlemen.|- What's going on, buddy ? - Gentlemen.|- What's going on, buddy ? - Same ol'--|- [ Sighs ] Finch. You got the Latin homework ? Oh.|[ Speaks Latin, Chuckles ] It means, "My dog ate it."|It's Latin. It's a joke. - It's a Latin joke.|- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee. - No, Jim, it's mochaccino.|- What ? What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.|It's not coffee. [ Boy ] 'Nova ! - [ Both Grunting ]|- What's up, dude ? You coming to the party|tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface ? Uh, depends if my date|wants to stop by. - I'm working on something new.|- I got an idea about something new. How about you guys|actually locate your dicks, remove the shrink-wrap|and fucking use them ! Dude, it's gonna happen.|She's a college chick. [ Scoffs ] Oh, right.|I'll see you guys tonight. I'll look for you in the no-fucking|section. [ Mocking Laugh ] [ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ] [ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ] All right. I'm shooting for a|9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after. Breath check. - Thank you.|- [ Gargling ] [ Hacks ] - I wish you wouldn't do that.|- So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight ? This is a foolproof plan,|my friend. I have a serious question|to ask you guys. Okay. You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian|chick ? She might be there tonight. Now, do you think she would prefer...|[ Clears Throat ] Laid-back Jim... or... [ Clears Throat ]|cool, hip Jim ? I don't think it really matters|with that shirt you're wearing. What ? Correct me if I'm wrong but|you're the one with the girlfriend... and you're still|stranded on third base. Hey, at least I know what|third base feels like, okay ? - You're still just a batboy.|- Batboy. Batboy. - [ Laughs ]|- What are you talking about ? Guys, uh-- What exactly does|third base feel like ? You wanna|take this one ? - Like warm apple pie.|- Yeah ? - Yeah. - Apple pie, huh ?|- Uh-huh. - McDonald's or homemade ?|- [ Scooter Engine Starts ] Gentlemen,|destiny awaits. - [ Engine Stalls ]|- [ Boys Chuckle ] - [ Engine Stalls ]|- [ Boys Chuckle ] - -**-** [ Rock ]|- -** It's been one week since you looked at me -** -** Cocked your head to the side|and said, I'm angry -** That's number five and six|for the Stif-meister ! - -**-** [ Continues ]|- Yeah. - [ Gasps ]|- Oops ! - Holy !|- H-Hey ! Nadia ! Buenos dias.|Glad you could make it. - I'll be back for you later.|- [ Door Bell Chimes ] - -**-** [ Snapping Fingers ]|- -**-** [ Continues ] - Another party sultan !|- How ya doing ? Welcome to Stifler's|Palace of Love, fellas. - The keg's back there ! Enjoy !|- Yeah. Vicky, Jessica ! Great to see you.|Glad you could make it. Haha, bitches ! - Sherman !|- Hey ! What the fuck|are you doing here ? Fellas !|What's going on ? Fellas !|What's going on ? Sherman. Not much. Just, uh,|scoping the babes. - Indeed ! Some fine ladies here, boys.|- Uh-huh. Confidence is high.|Repeat. Confidence is high. Sherman is moving|to DEFCON 2. - Full strategic arsenal|ready for deployment. - Hey ! You have something|going tonight, Sherman ? You see that|Central chick, Bernette ? - Um, no.|- No. She's around.|Seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time|she experienced... the Shermanator. Yeah, okay,|Sherman. Whatever. I'm a sophisticated sex robot|sent back through time... to change the future|for one lucky lady. - Go get 'em, tiger.|- [ Imitates Schwarzenegger ] I'll be back ! - Hopeless.|- Completely. - Hi.|- Hey, Vic. Oh, shit.|Guys-- Guys-- There's Nadia and|she just looked at me. - She just looked at me.|- Well, why don't you go talk to her ? Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Kev.|I should just go talk to her. - [ Laughing ]|- [ Indistinct ] Yeah,|I could do that. Sure. Sure.|[ Clears Throat ] Kev ? Kev ? Ke-- - [ Clattering ]|- [ Groan ] Yeah. Yeah.|[ Indistinct ] -** At last -** -** My love -** -** Has come along -** -** My lonely days -** - -** Are over -**|- [ Laughs ] That's great ! -** And life|is like a song -** -** Oh, yeah, yeah -** -** At last -** See ya later. -** The stars above -**-** - -**-** [ Rock ]|- [ Doorbell Chimes ] - -**-** [ Blaring ]|- We're here for the party. What party ?|There's no party. [ Chuckles ] [ Slurred, Indistinct ] Weird.|Try the house down the street. [ Oz ] So, what's your major ? [ Girl ] Post-modern feminist thought. Oh, cool.|Great night, isn't it ? Sure. Yeah, it's just something about the|springtime that's just cool, you know ? - Like the smell|of fresh rain or something. - Mmm. Suck me, beautiful. What did you just say ? - Suck me, beautiful.|- [ Laughs ] My friends call me "'Nova,"|as in Casanova. That's pathetic.|[ Laughs ] Jeez, you don't|have to laugh at me. Well, there's just some things|you need to learn, that's all. - Like what ?|- Well, you've got to tone it down. You don't need to come|to a place like Lookout Point... and spout off|cheeseball lines to be romantic. - Okay.|- You have to pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive to her feelings.|Relationships are reciprocal. Come on, Casanova.|I'll take you back to your friends. [ Power Windows Hum ] Vicky, think it's time to take|the next step in our relationship ? - Tonight ?|- Yeah, it's such a perfect evening. I mean, it's how you've|always pictured it, isn't it ? [ Boy ] Damn, my parts fucking stink ! [ Boy #2 ] Dude, you gotta take|a shit ! You smell like a Yeti ! Or not. Just relax. [ Zipper Unzips ] You actually|said that ? - [ Laughs Hysterically ]|- Shut up ! You did a hell of a lot better|than I did with Nadia. Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great.|That's really reassuring. Hey, no problem,|'Nova. Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore.|I'm a-- I'm a fraud. You guys|are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself|a little hottie. "Suck me, beautiful" !|[ Mocking Laugh ] - -**-** [ Continues ]|- [ Heavy Breathing ] - Let me know.|- Okay. Keep going. I should be able|to talk to girls. I'm articulate. You know, I got a 720|on my S.A.T. verbal. Bullshit.|There's no way. I kid you not, man.|Look. Listen. - Copious. Verisimilitude.|- Mmm. [ Moaning ]|Oh, ohh. Now. Ohh. [ Moaning, Grunting ] [ Fizzing ] Suck me,|beautiful ! - Damn it, Stifler.|- Checkout time ! - Please, vacate the room.|- You are such a jerk. God, I can't believe how many|cool people are at this party. Yup.|[ Chuckles, Snaps Fingers ] And you got|a keg too ! - Wow !|- Indeed. Oh, wait.|I left my beer downstairs. No. No.|Here, babe ! [ Giggles ]|Thanks. You're really|beautiful. Oh-- - Really ?|- [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah. [ Both Giggle ] [ Muffled Chuckle ] You know what ? I don't know|if I want to be doing this. - Doing what ?|- You know, like, if we hook up tonight, tomorrow I'll just be some girl|you go telling all your friends about. [ Incredulous Chuckle ]|No way ! Steve, you could at least look at me|when you say that ! [ Sighs ]|Look. Sarah, I-- I wouldn't go telling|stories or anything about you. I promise.|So, just... relax, take it slow... and|let the good times roll. - Okay.|- All right. [ Gulps, Exhales ] What's wrong ? What's wrong ?|What is it ? - Xenophobic.|- [ Scream ] [ Whimpering ]|Oh ! - Regurgitation.|- I know that one. - Kevin likes it.|- He likes getting head. Gee, what a total shocker.|What about you, Vicky ? I mean, h-have you just|never had one with Kevin... or have you never|had one, period ? I've had one. - I think.|- Okay. That's a no. No wonder|you're not psyched about sex. You tell me you never|even had one manually ? - I've never tried it.|- You've never double-clicked your mouse ? - [ Coughing, Vomiting ]|- Ha-ha, nice ! - [ Laughing ]|- Jesus ! Stifler, how much did you drink, man ? Hey, Stifler ?|How's the pale ale ? - Fuck you ! [ Vomits ]|- Ooh, whoo ! - [ Kevin ] That's Stifler's mom ?|- [ Jim ] Yup. Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman|like this produced a guy like Stifler. - Dude, that chick's a "MILF."|- What the hell is that ? - M-I-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck.|- Yeah, dude ! Oh-ho, yeah ! - [ Together ] Yeah ! MILF ! MILF !|- Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys. - Come here.|- Sherman, what's going on ? Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas|could try a little tact ? I got company,|if you know what I mean ? She's hot ! [ Door Slams ] If Sherman has sex before I do,|I'm gonna be really pissed. Sherman ? [ Chuckles ]|The Shermanator ? - [ Both Laugh ]|- Come on, man. [ Together ]|MILF ! MILF ! MILF ! MILF ! Dude, hey, dude.|What are you doing to her, dude ? Oh, my God,|bro, dude. - [ Chuckles ]|- Enough of this blow job bullshit. - I gotta get laid already.|- [ Vicky ] That's nice. Really, really nice. - Can I have a ride ?|- Sure. - [ Kevin ] Vicky, wait.|- Not for you. Yeti !|I am the Yeti ! - [ Finch ] Good morning, gentlemen.|- Finch. Where were you last night, huh ?|What happened to that foolproof plan of yours ? Well, I was going for a fashionably-late|entrance and I was too late. So,|no ladies left. [ Sherman ] It was a very|special night, very special. - [ Girl Giggling ]|- Guys. Guys. - I'll never forget this.|- Oh, I'll never forget it, either. - [ Sherman ] Thank you.|- Uhh. - [ Girl ] Well, bye.|- Bye. Bye. [ Door Closes ] Fellas, say good-bye|to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I... am now a man. I highly recommend|you join the club. We were doing the wild thing...|all night. I'm exhausted. I don't get it. I mean,|how the hell did you do that ? It was just my time.|It was just my time. Best of luck|to you boys. - I cannot believe this.|- Come on, guys. You know, we should|be happy for Sherman. [ Sighs ]|No, we shouldn't be. You know, I put in months|of quality time with Vicky. Sherman meets a chick|for one night and scores. - This is just wrong.|- No shit. How the hell am I supposed|to become Mr. Sensitive Man ? You know, we're all gonna go to college|as virgins. You realize this, right ? I mean, they probably have special dorms|for people like us. All right. I got an idea.|But it's got to stay between us. It's really simple. We just|got to make an agreement. Er, nah. It's--|It's more than an agreement. - What ? A bet ?|- A pact. No money involved.|More important than any bet. Here's the deal.|We all get laid before we graduate. Dude, it's not like I haven't|been trying to get laid. Think about when you work out, Oz.|You gotta have someone there, right ? Someone to spot you.|Someone to keep you motivated. Well, that's exactly what|we can do for each other. I mean, we'll be there|to keep each other on track. Separately, we are flawed|and vulnerable, but together, we are the masters|of our sexual destiny. Their tiger-style|kung fu is strong. But our dragon-style|will defeat it. - Guys !|- The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite ! - Fight, and find out who is number one.|- Guys ! Come on. You're ruining my moment here.|This is our very manhood at stake. We must make|a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises|remain flaccid and unused ! We will fight for every man out there|who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day.|This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and|watch history condemn us into celibacy. - Amen. Yes.|- I like that. -We will make a stand. We will succeed.|-'Bout time ! - We will get laid !|- Yeah ! - Yeah ! [ Cheering, Whooping ] Now, the sex: It's got|to be valid, consensual sex. - No prostitutes.|That's what you're thinking, Finch. - [ Sucking Air ] [ Laughs ]|Busted. So, basically,|prom is our last chance. - Oh, dude. Prom sucks.|- I know, but you gotta think|about it this way. I mean, all the parties afterwards ?|The chicks are going to want to do it. - Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's,|like tradition or something. - The Rose Bowl. - So, that gives us--|- Exactly three weeks to the day. - We're gonna do this.|- All right, to the next step ! - Next step ! [ Together ] Next step !|[ Whooping ] [ Together ] Next step !|[ Whooping ] -** I have visions I was in them|I was looking into the mirror -** -** To see a little bit clearer -** -** The rottenness|and evil in me -** -** Fingertips have memories I can't|forget the curves of your body -** -** And when I feel|a bit naughty -** -** I run it up|the flagpole and see -** -** Who salutes|but no one ever does -** -** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -** -** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -** -** And I'm so hot -** -** 'Cause I'm in hell -** -** Been around the world and found|that only stupid people are breeding -** -** The cretins|cloning and feeding -** - Well, did you get the flowers ?|- -** And I don't even own a TV -** -** Hear the voices in my head|I swear to God -** -** It sounds like|they're snoring -** -** But if you're poor|and you're boring -** -** The agony and the irony -** -** They're killing me -**|Whoa ! -** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -** -** And I'm so hot -** -** 'Cause I'm in hell -**-** Don't worry. You'll|get her back soon enough. - You think so ?|- Sure, she likes you. - Well, I like her too.|- Do you love her ? - Well, I like her too.|- Do you love her ? Um, you know what ?|You can't really ask me that. Well, if you want to get|her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her. - That's how I was duped.|- Look, Jessica, I-I don't want|to dupe her. All right.|What you need to do... is learn how to press|a girl's buttons. You have to give her|what she's never had. - What's that ?|- Let me give you a hint. [ Orgasmic Moans ]|Ohh, Kev ! Uhh. Yeah. - ? Comprende ?|- You mean an orgasm. - You got it, stud !|- Well, you know, I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've...|given her a-- - No, you haven't.|- Well, there was one time-- - No.|- Oh, man. - Look, kid, it's up to you.|The big "L" or the big "O." - Dickhead ! - You gotta see this.|- [ Vocal Group ] -** Do you believe in -** - -** Magic in a young girl's heart -**|- -** Ooh, ooh -** -** How the music can free her|whenever it starts -** -** And it's magic|if the music is groovy -** - -** It makes you feel happy -**|- What did you cocks do to him ? - -** I'll tell you about the magic|It'll free your soul -** - -** Ooh, ooh, ooh -** -** But it's like trying to tell|a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll -**-** Great.|See you next time. - Hey, guys.|Came to watch me in action ? - Yeah. - I-I think you sounded pretty good.|- Yeah, man. I think you need|your balls reattached. - Hey, keep it down, dude.|- What the fuck are you doing here ? This place|is an untapped resource. I mean,|check it out. - These vocal jazz girls are hot.|- Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late ? - Maybe he's preparing for|another senior year at East ? - [ Chuckles ] You guys,|we don't even know him. You dipshit ! You're expecting|to score with some... goody-goody|choirgirl priss ? These chicks don't know me. I can work|the sensitive angle here, fellas ! You know, it's just like|that college chick told me. All that you gotta do|is just ask 'em questions... and listen to what|they have to say and shit. I don't know, man.|That sounds like a lot of work ! - [ Knocking ]|- Uh, just a second ! Come in. Come in. Oh, Jim, you're here. Uh, I was just walking|by your room and uh-- And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy,|it's been a long time since we've had... a little|father-son, uh-uh, chat." Oh ! I almost forgot.|I, uh, I bought some magazines. Do you just want to flip|to the center section ? Well, this is the--|this is the, uh, female form. And they have|focused on the breasts, uh, which are used primarily|to, uh, feed young infants... - and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay.|- Right. [ Clears Throat ] This is, uh--|This is Hustler. And this is a much|more exotic magazine. Now, they have decided to focus|on the, uh, pubic region-- - Right. Uh-huh.|- The whole groin area. Look at the expression on her face.|You see that ? See what's she's doing ? She's kind of looking|right into your eyes saying, "Hey, big boy.|Hey, how ya doing ?" - You see ?|- Right. Shaved is a magazine|I'm not too familiar with, - but, again,|if you flip to the center... - [ Sighs ] [ Clears Throat ]|section-- Well, you see the detail that, uh,|that they go into in this picture here. - Uh-huh. Yeah.|- It almost looks like a tropical plant or something... - underwater... thing.|- Yeah. Yes. - Do you know what a clitoris is ?|- Oh, my God. - Well, don't say, "Oh--"|- Yes, I know what a clitoris is. Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do.|I forgot you've been there and back. - You know everything--|- I've learned about it in Sex Ed-- - I really don't need you|to talk about clitoris. - I'm trying to make this painless-- - You know what ?|I'm sorry. Okay ? I'm sorry. - No-no-no. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.|- I'm sorry. I shouldn't|have got hot there. Well, you know what|I'm going to do, Jim. I'm going to just|leave these books here... for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh--|at your leisure. Wait !|[ Groans ] Well, safer|than a tube sock. [ Sighs ] - Okay, that-- That was good.|- Yeah. - See you at dinner.|- Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner. So, Finch,|this is your plan ? You know, I don't think girls are|into the whole mini-golf thing. Kevin, I'm sure|that they're not. Actually, there is one small matter that|I need to ask for your cooperation in. - In the spirit of this|whole pact, you know ? - Sure, what do you need ? Whatever you hear about me, you agree.|And tell all the boys the same thing. Look, I gotta go.|Sixteen minutes round-trip. You know, Finch,|it's-- it's senior year. I mean, don't you think it's time you|learned how to take a dump at school ? When was the last time you looked|at the facilities in this school ? [ Murmuring ] - [ Grunts ]|- Excuse me. Uh, that's|Paul Finch, right ? - Yeah.|- Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right ? - Uh, yeah.|- So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true ? You know,|that he's... equipped. I have no idea. Finch showers|with his bathing suit on. I mean, uh-- As a matter of fact, it is true.|The guy's huge ! - Does he have a date for the prom yet ?|- No, definitely not. All right. Thanks. Oh, man ! So I was thinking maybe you could|give me some advice, brother to brother. I thought you might know a trick|or something to make her-- - Orgasm ?|- Yeah. - What's good here ? - Try the spicy tuna hand roll.|- What ? - How do you do that ?|- Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention. Is that all that you're interested in,|trying to get your girl into bed ? No, it'd be good to be able|to, you know, return the favor. Be nice to know she enjoys|things as much as I do. See that ? That's good. That's what|I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify. - Qualify for what ?|- My man, you've just inherited the Bible. It originally started|as a sex manual, this book that some guys|brought back from Amsterdam. And each year it got passed on to one|East student who was worthy. Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff|that guys have added over the years. But you have to keep it a secret|and return it at the end of the year. All right.|So now you know. Good luck. - -** If you believe in magic -**|- -** Ooh, magic -** -** Don't you bother to choose if it's|jug band music or rhythm and blues -** -** Just go and listen|It will start with a smile -** -** That won't wipe off your face|no matter how hard you try -** -** Your feet start tapping and you can't|seem to find how you got there -** -** Do you believe in magic -**-** -** Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo-scooby-dooby|dooby-dooby doo bah -** -** Yeah, magic -**-** What was that ? - Uh, sorry.|- No, it was good. Well, it, uh--|It came from the heart. Well, keep it coming.|All right, people, good work ! Now, don't forget. The state|competition's a couple of weeks away, so keep on it, okay ? Not bad, Chris. Really ? Thanks, uh,|Heather, right ? Yeah.|[ Chuckles ] So, you've got this sort of|Frank Sinatra thing going on. [ Chuckles ] Right. I feel like I've|discovered this whole new side of me. I mean, uh,|music is so expressive. [ Chuckles ] Okay.|I mean, I agree, but... aren't you supposed to be out,|like, trying to decapitate someone... -with your lacrosse stick or something ?|-Oh, sure. Sure. You know, I know what|people think. It's like, "Oz, he's just this|kick-ass lacrosse player." You know, I also play football,|by the way, but that's, like, - that's not all that I am, you know ?|- Of course, I didn't-- I mean, it really bothers me when|people try to pigeonhole me like that. You ? You think|I don't get that ? God, it's like just because I don't|get drunk and barf every weekend... that people say, "Oh, look. There's|this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss." Yeah. So, like,|what else do you do ? Well,|the same things you do, Like hang out|with friends and stuff. - Why ? What do you think I do ?|- Oh, I-- I just realized that I don't|know anything about you. - I was interested.|- Oh, well, what do you want to know ? You know,|stuff... about you. All right. Mom, I'm home ! [ Chattering ] [ Moaning ] [ Moaning Continues ]|Oh, yeah. Oh ! [ Gasps ] - Jim !|- It's not what it looks like. Well, we'll just tell your|mother that, uh-- that, uh-- we ate it all. [ Sighs ] - [ Spectators Clamoring ]|- [ Grunts ] - [ Whistle Blows ]|- [ Cheering ] [ P.A. Announcer ]|Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher. - Nice game.|- Nice game. Good game. Hey, what are|you doing here ? Just enjoying my first exhilarating|lacrosse experience. - You kicked butt.|- Oh, thanks. - Um, Chris--|- Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want. - Do I have to ?|- You can call me Ostreicher. - What's your middle name ?|- Nah, forget it. - Come on. I won't tell anyone.|- Well, neither will I. Okay. Um. So, I had this thought and-- It may seem like|it's way out of left field. I don't know if you can,|but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe-- Those guys sucked ass ! Choir chick, what the hell|are you doing here ? Well, uh, I was|asking Chris to prom. So, do you|want to go ? Oh, yeah !|That would be great. Well, just don't|expect Oz to pay for the limo ! Stifler, fuck !|I mean-- Why do you got to be so|insensitive all the time ? What ? Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget.|My cottage after prom. On Lake Michigan.|[ Chuckles ] Hey, wait up, you pussies.|Where you going ? Ah, well, I gotta--|I gotta hit the showers now, but I think this is gonna|be really, really good. - Yeah. Me too.|- All right. - Bye.|- Bye. Bye. - 'Appending Oz !|- Working with the choir chick ? What d'ya say, fellas ? I just dig|those cute little sweaters she wears. - [ Laughing ]|- Nuts you do, you little horn dog. Yeah !|Yeah, baby ! [ Stifler ] Spank me ! Spank me !|Hit that high "C." [ Falsetto ]|-** Ahhhh -** [ Whooping, Laughing ] Come on !|What's going on here ? [ Laughing, Shouting Continue ] I was being selfish|and majorly insensitive. I'm a-- I'm a total idiot.|I mean, a fool, a buffoon. I think shithead|really says it. You know what ? You're right.|I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you. You know what ? You're right.|I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you. Oh, yeah ? How ? Oh, yeah ? How ? - [ Moaning ] Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh !|- -** Don't make me -** - -** Over -**|- Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs. - Kevin, don't stop !|- Just a second. -** I'm rocking steady -** -** In demonology -** -** Hey so that you could make it -** [ Moans ] - -** You're really making it -**-**|- Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper ? - [ Screams ] Holy shit !|- Shh. You know there's no lock on your door ? - -**-** [ Humming ]|- [ Moaning ] -**-** [ Continues ] Ohh ! I'm coming !|I'm coming ! -**-** [ Humming ] - Oh, Jim !|- Dad. Hi, I was just looking|at the old family portrait out here. Well, that was|a fun day wasn't it ? - Oh, yeah.|- Yeah. Jim, I want to talk|about masturbation. Now, I just want you to know that|it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing. And I have|to admit, uh, you know. I did a fair bit of masturbating|when I was a little younger. - I, uh-- I used to call it|"stroking the salami." - [ Groans ] Yeah, you know,|"pounding the ol' pud." I never did it|with baked goods. But you know your Uncle Mort ?|He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day. See, it's like, uh,|practice for the big game. You see ?|It's like-- It's like... banging a tennis ball|against a brick wall. Which can be fun.|It can be fun, but it's not a game. - Right. No.|- It's not a game. What you want is you want|a partner to return the ball. - Do you want a partner ?|- Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner. - You do want a partner ?|- Oh, I want a partner. - Want a partner. Good. Good.|- Of course. Good. So, once Hal becomes king,|he has to take on... the responsibilities of leadership|and turn his back... on his old,|drunken friend, Falstaff. You see, Hal is going through a...|rite of passage, much like you all are. So make most of the time you've got|left together. You'll miss it later. - [ Teacher Continues ]|- So, does your tongue cramp up ? - Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.|- Wow. That's amazing. She's probably|gonna want to do it soon. - [ Bell Rings ]|- All right. Class dismissed. Still questing after the Holy Grail,|huh, guys ? Hey, uh,|where's Finch ? - Oh, he went home to take a shit.|- [ Chuckles ] I don't get it.|I just don't. How does a guy like that|get this sudden reputation ? - What reputation ?|- Observe. Ex-Excuse me.|Do you know who Paul Finch is ? Yeah ! He's the guy|with the tattoo, right ? - You know, the eagle and the|blazing fire and that stuff. - [ Chuckles ] Well, um, if you guys see him later,|will you tell him Courtney says hi ? Bye. - [ Scoffs ]|- Okay. Explain. I can't. I don't|know how he's doing it. I, uh-- I guess that|just leaves Jim trailing. - Aw, Jimbo !|- Better sack up, buddy ! Yeah, I know.|I'm working on it, all right ? James ? You are very good|in the world history class, yes ? - Me ? Y-Yes. No, uh--|- [ Mouthing Words ] - Yes, I am.|- Perhaps you could help me with my studies. Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be--|That would be great sometime. - How about tomorrow ?|- Well, I have ballet practice. Perhaps I could come|by your house afterwards ? I could change|clothes at your place. Oh. Uh... yeah. I suppose that|would be okay. Sure. - [ Engine Off ]|- Nice car ! - I'm glad you think so.|- You don't like it ? No, I like the car.|By the way, though, about prom ? That was a bad idea.|I'm sorry I invited you. - What are you talking about ?|- Please. I asked you because I thought you might|actually be worth going with. But you are just a jock.|No, wait. You're a jerk. Wait !|I don't understand. I saw you making fun of me|with your lacrosse buddies. Heather, I wasn't|making fun of you. Gimme a break.|You're so full of it. Fuck me ! There's gonna be an Eastern|European chick naked in your house. And you're not gonna|do anything about that ? What am I gonna do, huh ?|Broadcast her over the Internet ? - Yeah.|- You can do that ? [ Scoffs ]|No. I cannot do that to her. Jim, get some fucking balls. If you don't have the guts|to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sleep with one ? I don't like the kid,|but he's got a point. See, even shit-brick|knows you should do it. All you gotta do is set up some sort of|private link or whatever on the 'Net... and tell me the address. You can send me|the address too. I'll save|you a seat. -** How sweet it is|to be loved by you, by you -** - -** I needed the shelter|of someone's arms -** - -** Someone's arms -** - -** There you were -**|- -** You were, oh -** -** I needed someone|who understands my ups and downs -** -** There you were -**-** Okay, that was good, but|I want to thicken-up that solo. Michigan State is this Saturday,|and I want that part to smoke. Yeah, I know,|my timing's off. No, it's not that. I think it'll|work better as a duet with a tenor part. I'll do it. - [ Whispers ] Dick.|- I'll do it. Great.|See you tomorrow. Hmph. - Why are you doing this ?|- 'Cause I want to. Yeah ? Well,|you can't fake this. You better practice. [ Beeping ] - [ Knocking ]|- Come in. Jim ? There's a, uh--|a young lady here to see you. - Hey, Nadia.|- Hi, James. Ready to study ? Oh, he's always ready to study.|He's a real bookworm, this kid. - Dad.|- That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but-- - Dad !|- Well, I'll-- I'll let you two hit the books. You want a beer ? - [ Kevin ] Oh, there we go.|- [ Little Boy ] Come on, move ! Steve ! It's my computer !|And I wanna use it ! Shut up ! Oh, you need to--|You need to change, right ? - Uhh, do you mind ?|- No. N-No, not at all. Uh, please, you know.|Just go ahead and get un-- get changed. [ Clears Throat ] I'll, uh-- I'll|go downstairs and start studying up. - [ Chuckles ] Yeah.|- Okay. - [ Finch ] Oh--|- [ Kevin ] All right, there he goes. Now,|we're in business. Now,|we're in business. -** [ Rock ] - Back in a sec.|- Jimmy, honey, wh-- -**-** [ Continues ] -** He pauses shaving and he tells himself|that he is the bomb -** -** She has her curlers set, her credit|cards are paying the funds -** - -** He's not that old I've been told -**-**|- Ah, here she is. - Did I miss anything ?|- No. You are just in time. - [ Boys Groaning ] Oh. Ohh !|- [ Kevin ] This is incredible. Oh, my God !|This is too much. [ Finch ] Oh, did you see ?|Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez. God bless|the Internet. - [ Jim ] Ai-yi-yi.|- Do it. Take it off. - Oh, my God.|- [ Together ] Ohhh ! Oh, thank you, God,|for this wonderful, wonderful day. - She takes her vitamins.|- -** And it is way too unhealthy -** -** Often they've typically -**-** - [ Sighs ]|- Stop hyper ventilating. -**-** [ Continues Indistinct ] This is, like,|the coolest thing I've ever seen. - I know.|- [ Both Snicker ] Can you believe-- This is definitely|one of Stifler's best ideas ever. [ Jim ] What is she--|She's touching my stuff. - Why is she touching my stuff ?|- [ Finch ] Man, let her touch. - She's going through my stuff !|- Nadia can touch anything she wants. - Oh.|- Oh, no. Oh, no. - No, no.|- Oh, nice collection there, Jim. She's gonna leave.|She's definitely gonna-- She's getting comfortable.|She's not gonna leave. [ Finch ] She reads|the articles. [ Boys Moaning ] Is she ? She's going downstairs. [ Moaning ] - Oh, my God !|- Jackpot, baby ! - Can you believe this ?|- Nadia, I would have never known. I have an announcement|that I would like to make. There is a gorgeous woman...|masturbating on my bed ! - [ Finch ] Thank you, Nadia !|- If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it. - [ Scoffs ] What am I|supposed to do, Kev ? - Seduce her. Wha-- What the hell|would I say ? Go over there and ask her|if she needs an extra hand. - That's stupid, Kev. I can't--|- That's not stupid ! You're stupid if you don't go ! Come on !|Get over there ! - Get going, man. She's prime.|- Get out of here ! - She's waiting for you.|- Okay, all right. I'm going. - Go !|- Go ! - I'm going ! - Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !|- Oh, shit. -**-** [ Rock ] -** She's open|waiting for more -** -** And I know he's only|looking to score -** -** And it's way too unhealthy -** - -** Often they've typically -**|- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. -** Been starved|for attention before -**-** [ Exhales Sharply ] Oh, boy. Oh, God.|Oh, crap. Oh, no. - [ Phone Rings ]|- Hello ? - Looks like Jim addressed|the e-mail wrong. - What ? It went out to every mailbox|in the East High directory. God, how juvenile. - -**-** [ Rock ]|- Hey, hey, hey, guys ! - -** Baby -**|- Check this out ! Oh, my God ! Wow ! Oh.|[ Laughs ] Please, God,|let this be it. Please ? - [ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]|- [ Nadia Moaning, Panting ] - S-Somebody's going in there.|- [ Whimpering, Moaning ] Here you go.|That's what you need to do. - That guy's in my trig class.|- Oh, no. -Looks like you could use an extra hand.|-Jim ! - Well-- Oh, God.|- Shame on you. Yeah, shame on me.|I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. - Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go.|- Well, you have seen me. Now, it's|my turn to see you. Strip ! - Strip ?|- Slowly. Uh, you mean,|like, strip strip ? For me. [ Finch ] What is he|talking to her about ? - Uh, no idea.|- Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business. - [ Tuning Radio ]|- -**-** [ Techno ] Perfect ! - Move, James ! Move !|- Yeah, yeah. Move. -**-** [ Continues ] - Go, trig boy ! It's yer birthday !|- [ Chittering ] - No ! No. No.|- Please, God. - [ Disappointed Muttering ]|- What's going on ? - Yes !|- All right. Get in the mix ! - See there.|- Oh, okay. - This is disgusting.|- What the fuck is this ? Cut it out, man ! Yeah. - [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughing ] Freak. Did not just|take out that chair. - Yup, he took out the chair.|- More, more, you bad boy ! Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty,|baby. Hyah ! [ Slapping ] - [ Groans ] Ohh, God !|- [ Chitters, Slaps ] -** Calling your name -** - -** Calling your name -**|- Now, come to me. Oh, yeah. - Here we go.|- He's in, man. - -** Calling -**|- This just got a hell of a lot better. - Be gentle.|- Okay. - -** Calling your name -**|- Uh-- - -** Calling -**|- Oh. -** Your name -**-** - [ Whimpers ]|- Jim ? - Oh ! Oh, no.|- [ Both ] Oh, no. - [ All ] Oh. Ohh !|- Liftoff aborted. - Houston, we have a problem.|- Oh-- Uhh-- - [ Blows Air ]|- What happened ? What did he do He blew it. I guess|I'll be going now. No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia.|I've, uh-- I've got reserves. Nadia, please, please.|I'm begging you. Well, I do like|your dirty magazines. You do ? Okay. Well. Um.|Did-Did-- Did you see this one ? This here is your-- is your more,|uh, exotic, risque magazine. - He's pulling out the porn.|- He's desperate. [ Finch ] Jim, just wait|till she leaves. Very arousing women.|They arouse me-- [ Clears Throat ] They arouse me|very, very much. But, uh--|But not as arousing as you. - Oh, Jim !|- Oh, God ! [ Coos ] - [ Together ] Yes !|- [ All Exclaiming ] He's ruining daisy !|Whoo ! -**-** [ Continues ] So, uh, "shaved"|is the expression ? Holy shit. - Holy shit !|- [ All ] Holy shit ! - H-H-Holy shit !|- Touch me, Jim. - Here.|- [ Gasps ] [ Groans ]|Oh. Oh. - [ Together ] Again ?|- Not again. - Not again, man !|- Is that possible ? What a loser. What a loser. [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Laughing ]|- [ Boy ] Hey ! [ Laughing Continues ] [ Whooping, Taunting ] [ Chattering ] [ Oz ] -** I needed someone|to understand my ups and downs -** -** There you were -** -** With sweet love|and devotion -** -** Deeply touching|my emotion -** -** I just wanna stop|and thank you, baby -**-** - Hey, minute man !|- Shut up. You know-- You know you're|supposed to be supportive. Hey, you think you still|got a chance with Nadia ? No. Her sponsors here|saw the thing on the 'Net. I-I really don't|think they liked it. How do|you know that ? - She's already on a plane back home.|- [ Groans ] Yeah. You know, guys ? Maybe I'm just|not good with girls, period. No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I|was born without that part of the brain. I mean, I can't|talk to girls. And when I do talk|to them, I screw it up. Yeah, well, come prom those excuses|aren't going to do you any good. - [ Sighs ]|- [ Michelle ] And one time at band camp, we weren't supposed|to have pillow fights, but we had a pillow fight,|and it was so much fun. A-And this one time, we all|lost our music and we were supposed to play this song, but we didn't know it, so we just made|it up and we kept playing and playing, and the conductor didn't know|what we were doing, and it was so funny. -So, you're pissed about something, huh.|-[ Scoffs ] You know what|I do when I'm angry ? I just play some Bach on my flute.|It's so relaxing. - I learned to do that at band camp.|- Hold on, uh-- You have no idea|why I'm angry ? Is it because we have a test tomorrow ?|Sometimes I get cranky... - when I know I have|a big test to study for. - [ Laughs ] - Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.|- I thought so... - because this one time at band camp--|- W-What's your name ? - Michelle.|- O-Okay. Michelle, um-- [ Chuckles ] Do you want to be|my date for the prom ? Really ? You seriously|want to go with me ? Yes. Seriously. Are we going to Steve Stifler's|party afterwards ? Because that would be so cool. - Sure, whatever you want.|- Cool ! We're gonna have such a good time. It'll be like this one time at band camp|when we all had a campfire-- [ Knocking At Door ] [ Siren Wailing, Distant ] Hi. - How'd you know I was here ?|- Stifler told me. - Talked to Stifler ?|- Well, I needed to find you. We're gonna have|to work on that song. Okay.|I'm glad you came by. So you work nights ? - My dad's the manager.|- Really ? Cool. Tell him|the subs are great. -So you're going to Michigan next year ?|-Yeah. My parents want me to go|to Northwestern, but... I don't wanna write all those|extra essays they make you do. I mean, how am I supposed to|know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was ? So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in|December, I just said the hell with it. - Onions ?|- What ? You, uh, want onions ? Oh, no, thank you. So what are you|gonna major in ? State's got a good business|school, and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team. Well, you've probably got it|pretty figured out, then, huh ? I mean, business is okay,|and lacrosse is awesome, but... what am I gonna be,|a professional lacrosse player ? I really have no idea. Thank God.|I thought I was the only one. Well, you're not. So we're gonna be|close next year. You mean East Lansing|and Ann Arbor ? Yeah.|[ Chuckling ] [ Stifler ] What are you|talking about ? I can't go to the prom with you.|I'm holding out for someone else. [ Laughing ]|You gotta be fucking kidding me. I know it's a long shot, but I figure|Paul Finch might ask me. Finch.|Shit-brick. Oh, gosh.|I-I forgot. [ Stammering ]|You look okay. I-I mean, the scars|healed really well. - Hey, Stifler.|- Eat shit. What was that|all about ? - He's still embarrassed|because Finch kicked his ass. - Who told you that ? What do you mean,|"no comment" ? - Did you two hook up or something ?|- What, are you kidding ? No. Then how did all this|get started ? Well, I guess it's all right|for me to tell you now. That reputation of his isn't|going anywhere. Cheese, please. Finch comes up to me|and says, "Jessica, I need your help with this,|blah, blah, etcetera." So I said, "All right.|Pay me 200 bucks, and I'll tell a couple of girls|that you're dynamite in bed." So he did,|and I did. - That actually works ?|- Well, duh ! Of course. Naturally, I embellished|a little bit. Did you hear that Finch had|an affair with an older woman ? [ Chuckling ]|No, I didn't hear that one. That one was my favorite. [ Laughing ]|Do that cheerleader. - -** Thank you, baby -**|- She wants me. She calls me up-- -** How sweet it is|to be loved by you -**-** Oh, my God,|you're gay ! Sing it with me.|You know the words. No, thanks, man. You've been|singing that shit all week. If you try that at M.S.U.|this Saturday, I'll kick your ass. Our last game|is this Saturday. [ Snickers ]|Yeah, well, shit. I've got this lacrosse game. It's|really important. It's our last game. Central almost beat us last time, so|this time I really wanna kick their ass. But it's gonna be cool,|because the game's at State, which means afterwards|I'll be able to stop by. So you can't sing|at the competition. [ Sighing ] Heather, I'm sorry.|I totally blew it. It's okay. You should...|do what makes you happy. All right. Listen,|thanks for understanding. Yeah. So, uh, I guess|I'll see you later ? Mm-hmm. [ Whistling ] Hey, Kevin. - You seen shit-brick lately ?|- Why ? What did you do to him ? Me ? Nothing. See, I'm the one|whose ass he kicked. But, uh, I'll tell you|one thing, though. I don't think he's gonna have a problem|shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something|into his mochaccino. Oh, God ! Oh ! Oh ! [ Panting ] Jesus. Right this way,|sir. Oh, God.|[ Farting ] [ Farting ] [ Farting ] - [ Girls Laughing ]|- Oh, no. It's gonna be fun. [ Girl #2 ] You know it's just gonna be|some crappy band and stupid decorations. [ Girl #1 ] You're just saying|that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date. [ Girl #2 ] No, no, no.|I don't want a date. - Finch is going stag and... so am I.|- [ Groaning ] God, he's like so...|refined. - [ Groans ]|- You think that older woman thing is true ? Yeah, it's true.|It was Stifler's mom. [ Farting ] - [ Continues Farting ]|- Joanie, was that you ? - Oh !|- Can't hold it. Oh !|[ Loud Farting ] [ Groaning ] Eww ! [ Groaning ] [ Whistling ] [ Laughter ] - Yeah !|- [ Laughter Continues ] [ Vicky ] Kev ?|I think we've come... - a really long way since homecoming.|- Yeah, we have. Maybe it's time... we start to express ourselves|in new ways. - Yeah.|- You wanna do it ? - Yeah.|- I love you. It's your turn. That's not|what I was thinking. Sex. It's always|about sex. It's not|always about sex. I just thought it was|about sex this time. Look, Vicky, love is a term|that gets thrown around, and-and people|don't mean it. When I say it, I want it|to be more than words. - You know ? I want it to be--|- Perfect. Exactly. - [ Choir Director ] Okay, Albert.|You ready ? - No problemo. -** I close my eyes|at night -** Come on, Heather.|Work with me here. [ Crowd Applauding, Cheering ] - [ Whistle Blows ]|- [ Announcer ] Goal, Ostreicher ! - All right, Oz !|- Atta boy, Ozzie ! Whoo !|Yeah, baby ! - We're crushing you losers !|- Let's go, fellas ! Come on !|Whoo-hoo ! -** Bumblebee, bumblebee,|bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee -** Focus on the music.|Think melody. - Let the music be my guide.|- That would be a start. Who's the man ?|Stifler ! [ Coach ]|Huddle up, guys ! Huddle up ! Huddle up !|Come on ! Okay. All right, all right ! - Good hustle, guys.|- Good hustle. But you can still lose. You all saw|what happened to Oz out there. I don't want to ever see any of you|thinking you're gonna score. You don't score|until you score. - Until you score.|- That's right, baby ! [ Coach ] It all boils down|to today. For you seniors,|this marks the culmination... - of the past four years.|- Culmination. [ Coach ] I want you to think about|what this means to you. Do you guys wanna look back|on your days at East... and know that you used|the time you had ? - Hell, yeah !|- You do ! - Ah ! Good attitude, Ostreicher.|- Good luck, fellas. Christ, I didn't tell ya|to leave the game. I'm sorry, Coach. You got someplace more important|to be, Ostreicher ? Yeah. Ostreicher ! Oz ?|Fuckface ? [ Coach ] Ostreicher ! - Hey, Oz !|- Ozmeister ! - [ Albert ] Oh, great.|- What about the game ? - I'm not playing.|- You're missing the game for us ? No, I'm missing the game|for you. - D-Does this mean I'm not|gonna get to do the duet ? - Albert, you suck. I don't think|he's coming back. [ Heather ] -** Close my eyes at night -** - -** Close my eyes -**|- -** Wondering where would I be without you in my life -** - -** Oh -**|- -** Everything I did was just a bore -** - -** Just a bore -**|- -** Everywhere I went seems I been there before -** [ Together ] -** But you brighten up|for me all of my days -** - -** With a love so sweet -**|- -** In so many ways -** -** I just wanna stop -** - -** And thank you, baby -**|- [ All ] -** I just wanna stop -** - -** And thank you, baby -**|- -** Thank you, baby -** -** How sweet it is|to be loved by you -**-** [ Audience Applauding ] Yeah, Oz !|You fucking rule ! - Fucking rule !|- Yeah ! [ Vicky ] Maybe the words|aren't that important. It's like, I know he|really cares about me, you know ? Even if he can't|say it, he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but|that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right ? - He's got a dick. He's a guy.|- Right. Wait. Is this|translation right ? "Go home, bird teacher.|I've had enough." I don't know.|I got it from Kevin. - So, does it hurt ?|- What ? You know-- sex.|Does it hurt ? Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it,|you know, it hurts. But then you, you do it again|and again and again-- It just starts to feel good.|Really good. Okay, so say|I don't do it. And then I go off to college. I might|end up doing it with some random guy... - who totally turns out to be a jerk.|- This is true. And I'll wish I would've|done it with Kevin. So go do it with Kevin. - You think ?|- Yeah. You're-- You're ready. - You're woman. Look at you.|You're ready for sex. - You're right. - I know.|- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex. - Now.|- And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect. - Perfect sex.|- Thanks, Jessica. Please. [ Whispering ]|Kevin. Kevin. - [ Whispering ] I wanna have sex.|- [ Loud ] Now ? Prom. -** As you walk up those steps|and garner your award -** -** Try not to forget about me -** -** 'Cause I was there when you|had no one else to hold -** -** You used to look|just like a saint -** -** And stumble into walls -** -** You're a guy's|very own quarantine -** -** You used to never|think you'd ever grow old -**-** [ Jim's Dad ] You must be excited|about the big night tonight. Thrilled. Who's the lucky girl ? Who's the lucky girl ? Michelle. - Michelle.|- Yeah. - She must be very special.|- Oh, she's special, all right. I'm sure she is special if you|picked her out of the whole bunch. [ Clears Throat ] Jim, I'm just gonna|say one thing... before you leave|tonight. I want you to be very,|very careful... when you're|putting on... the corsage. Okay, Dad. - Promise me.|- I promise. -** Midnight at the oasis -** -** Send your camel to bed -** -** Shadows painting our faces -** -** Traces -** -** Of romance in our heads -** -** Heaven's holding a half-moon -** -** Shining just for us -** -** Let's slip off|to a sand dune -** -** Real soon -** -** And kick up a little dust -** -** Come on|Cactus is our friend -** -** He'll point out the way -** You know, at band camp|we have dances like this, only they're way funner. -** Till the evening ends -**-** -** Hey, hey, hey|Oooh -** [ Kevin ] All right, status check.|Where do you guys stand ? Finch, we know where you are,|but can't really use that as an excuse. Jim ? Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork.|Does that answer your question ? Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit|gonna pay off or what ? Kevin, what's with|the attitude ? Attitude ? Me ? I think you guys should be|a little more enthusiastic. This is the night|we've been waiting for. We're in this together.|You guys can't back out. Kev, you don't need us to get laid.|Are you afraid or something ? No. Come on.|We made a pact. You can't break that.|You guys are gonna have to-- Have to what, Kev, huh ?|I don't have to do shit. Forget it already. I am so sick|and tired of all this bullshit pressure. I've never even had sex, and already,|I can't stand it. I hate sex ! And I'm not gonna stand around here|busting my balls over something that, quite frankly,|isn't that damn important. I'm gonna go hang out|with that geek over there... 'cause at least she has something else|to talk about besides sex. Goddamn. Yeah. You know, at least I learned|how to shit in school, buddy. Hey, Finch. - Wanna dance ?|- Yeah. -** Oooh -** - How come you have no date ?|- I like to keep my options open. I got something for you. Consider it|a consolation prize. Jessica, this is great !|Wow ! - Felt sorta guilty No, I spent 50 on the flask,|150 on the earrings. - These are, uh--|- Let me just clarify... - that you have no chance|of scoring with me, Finch. - Of course not ! So I take it you and Sherman|are pretty close, huh ? You met at that party|a while back, right ? Yeah, we were|up all night together. We had one of those|amazingly deep conversations... where you feel like|you really get to know someone. [ Chuckling ]|Deep conversation, huh ? Is that|what you call it ? What else|would I call it ? Thank you, Great Falls. We're gonna take a little break.|You are beautiful. [ Boy ] You suck ! [ Microphone Feedback ] Excuse me, everyone. Sorry to interrupt. I just thought|you all should know this. Chuck Sherman is a liar. I never had sex with him. He's never had sex with anyone.|I know this because he told me. Once he tried to screw|a grapefruit, but that's all. Oh. He also told me that when he gets|nervous, he sometimes wets his pants. - Thank you for your time.|- [ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ] [ Jim Clears Throat ] - [ Jim ] Guess what ?|- Not interested. Kevin. Come on, man. The bus|to Stifler's is gonna be here soon. - I'm not going.|- [ Jim ] What ? Why not ? Look, things didn't really|turn out how I wanted them to. I mean, I don't even|know what I'm doing. I-I'm acting like I've got|everything together tonight. I know that Vicky's gonna|ask me if I love her, and... I don't know|what I'm gonna say. I mean,|I'm on the brink. I'm just about to do it.|I should be psyched. I don't know. Maybe you're right.|Maybe I am just scared. [ Scoffs ] Come on, Kev.|Tonight is the night. We-We are finally going|to a post-prom party on the lake. We have been waiting for this|for four years. Why else have we been friends|with Stifler all this time, right ? We were friends|with Stifler ? Hey, look. Sherman didn't even|get laid. - He didn't ?|- No, he pissed himself. - [ Laughing ]|- What ? We'll tell you|on the bus. I'm gonna go inside|and grab my bag. My date too, perhaps ? [ Jim ] Stifler's mom|got it in the divorce. [ Michelle ] That reminds me|of this one time-- Hey, can I ask you|a question ? How come you don't have any stories ?|I've got lots of them, and you don't have any. Oh, I've got stories.|Believe me. They're just, uh-- They're just a little|more risque than tales of band camp. Are they gross or something ?|Like guy stuff ? Tell me ! Okay.|You want a story ? Here's a story.|Stifler finds this beer-- - [ Kevin ] This is|the nicest room in the house. - Kev, it's perfect. - [ Vicky Screams ]|- You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya ? Fuckers !|Fuckers, fuckers ! Fuckers,|fuckers, fuckers ! - Out.|- Aw, come on ! - Get out.|- Aw, man ! - [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughing ] There's something|I've been meaning to tell you, Heather. What's that ? It's gonna sound|really bad, but, uh, I want you to know. You see, uh, I'm a virgin,|and, uh-- Well, me, Kevin, Jim|and Finch were-- We all made this pact... that we would|lose our virginity... before high school|was over, and tonight is supposed|to be the night that we all do it. This isn't the best way|to proposition me. No, that's--|That's not what I mean. W-What I mean is, uh-- Look, do you know|what made me leave that game ? See, Coach, he was giving us|this speech about... not slacking off when you see|the opportunity to score-- This isn't any better,|Chris. No, you see--|You see, Heather, what I realized is that... with you, it's...|not like I'm running towards a goal... Looking for|the best way to score. This may sound|a little corny, but... I feel like|I've already won. And, uh,|I care about you a lot. Oz, I know. - You called me Oz.|- Well, yeah. It's what your friends|call you. I mean, I feel like I'm|one of your friends now. And... your girlfriend ? -** Ain't never thought that|I could love like this -** -** This feeling inside me|is growing -** -** I never thought that|you would care -**-** Are ya lost ? You're Stifler's mom.|Uh-- No, no, not lost.|Just, um, you know,|taking the tour. Hey, uh, thank you for letting|us have this wonderful party. As if there was|an alternative in the matter. So, you enjoying yourself ? I'm... three sheets|to the wind, ma'am. I'm so happy for you. But it takes the edge off,|doesn't it ? - Where's your little date tonight ?|- No date. It was-- It was a bathroom incident. - Pardon me ?|- Never mind. You have|anything to drink ? I believe the kegs|are upstairs. That is what|the cretins drink. I'm talking about|alcohol, liquor. - The good stuff.|- All right. I got some scotch. - Single malt ?|- Aged 18 years. The way I like it. Why don't you go|grab a glass from the bar ? I think I should. Allow me. You know it's|a bitching party. The Stif-man|always comes through in the clutch. [ Jim Laughs ] And then he just|puked his brains out. - That is a nasty story.|- Yep, I told you. Do you want to hear|a nasty story of mine ? It's sort of sexual. Yeah !|Yeah, let's hear it. Okay, well, this one time at band camp,|we were playing this game. I don't know if you know it,|but it's called "Spin the Bottle." And I had to kiss this guy|named Mark Wander on the lips. And-And he plays|trombone-- [ Kevin ] So how do you|want to be ? Like... how do you|want to do it ? I don't know.|How do you ? Like... normal style.|The missionary position. Okay. Kev ? - Yeah ?|- I wanna hear you say it. Okay. Victoria, I love you. I love you. -** Don't stray -** -** Don't ever go away -** -** I should be|much too smart for this -** -** You know it gets|the better of me -** -** Sometimes|when you and I collide -** - -** I fall into an ocean of you -**|- Oh. My hair. -** Pull me out in time -** - [ Gasps ]|- -** Don't let me drown -** -** Let me down -** You okay ? Yeah. Go slow. -** Say you'll stay -** -** Don't come and go -** -** Like you do -** -** Sway my way -** -** Yeah, I need to know -** -** All about you -** -** Say you'll stay -**-** So the end of the story|is you... had to kiss the guy|for 20 seconds. Yes ! And he was such a dork.|Everyone laughed at me... - but I didn't care|because it was so funny. - I get it. And this one time at band camp,|I stuck a flute in my pussy. Hmm.|[ Sputters ] [ Coughs ]|Excuse me ? What ? You don't think I know|how to get myself off ? Hell, that's what|half of band camp is-- Sex Ed. So are we gonna screw soon,|'cause I'm getting kinda antsy. This'll do. Whoo-hoo ! - [ Toy Squeaks ]|- [ Grunts ] Ow ! Now, I have two rubbers.|Wear them both. It'll desensitize you. Now, I have two rubbers.|Wear them both. It'll desensitize you. I don't want you coming|so damn early this time. What makes you think|that I would come early ? Come on. I saw you on the 'Net.|Why do you think I accepted this date ? - You're a sure thing.|- [ Scoffs ] Yes, I am. So I said, "This is very obviously|a Piero della Francesca." [ Laughing ]|Hmm. So, uh, would you object if I said|that you were quite striking ? Mr. Finch, are you|trying to seduce me ? - Yes, ma'am, I am.|- -** And here's to you -** -** Mrs. Robinson -** -** Jesus loves you more|than you will know -** -** Whoa, whoa, whoa -** -** Stand up tall, Mrs. Robinson -** - Mmm, you're dead.|- -** God in heaven smiles on those who pray -** -** Hey, hey, hey -** - -** Hey, hey, hey -**-**|- [ Pool Balls Clacking ] - -** Hey, hey, hey -**-**|- [ Pool Balls Clacking ] -** Sway my way -** -** Yeah, I need to know -** -** All about you -** -** And there's no cure -** -** And no way to be sure -** -** Why everything's|turned inside out -** -** Instilling so much doubt -** -** It makes me so tired -** -** I feel so uninspired -** -** My head is battling|with my heart -** -** My logic has been torn apart|And now -**-** - [ Stifler's Mom ] I had|no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I. [ Moaning ]|Oh, Finchy. Finch. - Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa !|- Finchy ! [ Toy Squeaks ] - [ Toy Squeaking ]|- Okay, let's go. What's my name ?|Say my name, bitch ! Michelle, Michelle. [ Jim ] Oh, God. That was|a great night, huh ? Yeah. I mean, I just can't believe|we had our senior prom. I know.|It went by so fast. Yeah, it did. Kevin ? Next year with you|going to Ann Arbor... and me going to Ithaca, it's not gonna work,|is it ? No.|Don't say that. I mean,|we could make it work. - It'll be perfect.|- No, Kevin. -But--|-See, that's what I've been realizing... is that...|nothing's perfect. And you can't|plan everything. Well, I guess... you will|be pretty far away. And we'll be on our own,|meeting new people. Last night, though. I wasn't lying. I know. She's gone.|Wha-- Oh, my God.|She used me. I was used. I was used.|Cool ! What's this door locked-- Mom, where's-- - Mom ? Shit-brick ?|- [ Finch ] Hey, Stifler. -** Do do do do do do do -** [ Finch ] I just gotta say that women, Like a fine wine,|only get better with age. Of course, I have|no basis for comparison, but, uh, it was good. So you almost made it,|huh, Oz ? - I'll just say that|we had a great night together. - Hang in there, buddy. - You'll get there.|- You know, guys, I think we're falling in love. Wha-- [ Chuckles ]|Wow. That's great, man.|That's awesome. Y-You know what|the coolest thing is, guys ? This.|You know, right now. It's true. I mean, after this,|everything's gonna be different. After... getting laid ? - After high school.|- Here's to the next step. - To the next step.|- To the next step. - To the next step. -** Do do do do do do do -** -** Do do do do do do do -** -** Do do do do do do do -** -** Do do do do do do do -**-** -** Chickety China, the Chinese|chicken, have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking -** -** Watching X Files|with no lights on -** -** We're dans la maison|I hope the Smoking Man's in this one -** -** Like Harrison Ford|I'm getting frantic -** -** Like Sting I'm tantric|Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -** -** Like Sting I'm tantric|Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -** -** Like Kurosawa|I make mad films -** -** Okay, I don't make films|but if I did they'd have a samurai -** -** Gonna get a set of better clubs,|gonna find the kind with tiny nubs -** -** So my irons aren't always|flying off the backswing -** -** Gonna get in tune|with Sailor Moon 'cause that cartoon -** -** Has got the boom anima babes|that make me think the wrong thing -** -** How can I help it if I think|you're funny when you're mad -** -** Trying hard not to smile|though I feel bad -** -** I'm the kinda guy|who laughs at a funeral -** - Sweetheart ?|- -** Can't understand what I mean You soon will -** -** It's been one week|since you looked at me -** -** Dropped your eyes to the side|and said, I'm sorry -**-** -** Dropped your eyes to the side|and said, I'm sorry -**-** -** Hello to your mother|your brother significant other -** -** I am the summertime -** -** And I'm here|to free your mind -** -** Kick off your shoes the blues|and use anything but your mind -** -** 'Cause this is|the summertime -** -** And it's here|to free your mind -** -** How many other people|can you save today -** -** Don't you think it's high time|that you sail away -** -** Leave today|Don't fall behind -** -** Try something new, turn into you|if only for a short time -** -** I am the summertime -** -** And I'm here|to free your mind -**-** -** Love is tragic|Love is bold -** -** You will always|do what you are told -** -** Love is hard|Love is strong -** -** You will never say|that you were wrong -** -** I don't know|when I got bitter -** -** Love is surely better|when it's gone -** -** 'Cause you wanted more -** -** More than I could give -** -** More than I could handle -** -** And a life that I can't live -** -** You wanted more -** -** More than I could bear -** -** More than I could offer -** -** And a love that isn't there -** -** Love is color|Love is love -** -** Love is never saying|you're too proud -** -** Love is trusting|Love is honest -** -** Love is not a hand|that holds you down -** -** I don't know|when I got bitter -** -** Love is surely better|when it's gone -** -** 'Cause you wanted more -** -** More than I could give -** -** More than I could handle -** -** And a life that I can't live -** -** You wanted more -** -** More than I could bear -** -** More than I could offer -** -** And a love that isn't there -** -** I gotta pick me up|when I am down -** -** I gotta get my feet|back on the ground -** -** I gotta pick me up|when I am down -** -** I don't know|when I got bitter -** -** But love is surely better|when it's gone -** -** 'Cause you wanted more -** -** More than I could give -** -** More than I could handle -** -** And a life that I can't live -** -** You wanted more -**-** |
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