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Narrator: There was a time,|a time before cable,
when the local anchorman|reigned supreme,
when people believed|everything they heard on tv.
This was an age when only men|were allowed to read the news.
And in san diego, one anchorman|was more man than the rest.
His name was ron burgundy.
He was like a god|walking amongst mere mortals.
He had a voice that could|make a wolverine purr,
and suits so fine
they made sinatra|look like a hobo.
In other words,|ron burgundy was the balls.
Mmm. I look good.
I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone!|Come and see how good i look!
Mm, ehh, mm.
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.|That's why i'm doing this.
How now brown cow.|How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How are you?|You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?
Maybe don't wear|a bra next time.
No, i was talking to you.|No, not her.
I don't know her name.|What is it?
La-lanolin?|Like sheep's wool?
Unique new york.
Unique new york.
Mm, i love scotch.
I love scotch.|Scotchy, scotch, scotch.
Here it goes down.
Down into my belly.|Mm-mm-mm.
The arsonist|has oddly shaped feet.
How much time?|30? 30 seconds?
- Man: You are on.|- I'm on right now?
I don't believe you.
- Doo doo doo.|- Ron!
Oh, come on. Audrey.
I look like hell.|I got bags under my eyes.
What's that?|If you were a man,
i'd punch you right|in the mouth.
That's bush.|Bush league.
The human torch was denied|a bank loan.
You hear me?|Audrey, look at me!
I'm sorry.
All right?|I'm sorry.
Ha ha!|Ha ha ha ho!
Ha ha ho.
Ha oh!
(ron yelling)
All right, we're on.
Ready, phil.
We're on in five, four...
narrator:|When the clock struck 6:00,
it meant one thing|for ron burgundy
and his news team:|Go time.
Announcer:|Channel 4 news,
announcer:|Channel 4 news,
with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor
ron burgundy.
Champ kind, sports.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo!
Brick tamland, weather.
And your reporter in the field,|brian fantana.
It's channel 4 news|at 6:00.
Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy,
and this is what's happening|in your world tonight.
A la jolla man clings to life|at a university hospital
after being viciously attacked|by a pack of wild dogs
in an abandoned pool.
Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!|Ron burgundy's on!
Authorities are still|uncertain as to why the man
- was loitering...|- ron burgundy.
Oh, my gosh!|She said her first words!
Right now it's 82°|in our fair city,
and compare that to 48°|in the upper northwest
and 38°|in the middle east.
Off the coast|of tampa bay yesterday,
one lucky cameraman|happened to catch
an unusual|aquatic daredevil.
What you're about to see|is a channel 4 news exclusive.
His name is|nutty the squirrel,
and he's three years old.
How 'bout that?|(laughing)
That squirrel|can water-ski.
- Man, that's hilarious.|- Yeah, that's good.
For all of us here|at news center 4,
i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
All:|You stay classy, san diego.
Listen up.|The ratings just came in for last month.
We are number one.|We just grabbed every key demographic.
- Super-duper, gang!|- Yeah! Yeah!
Super-duper!|That's nice!
Way to go!|Neat-o, gang.
- Brian: Yes!|- Ron: Boy, ed.
That is good news.|I gotta be honest.
- Congrats, congrats.|- That is good news!
- Brian: All right!|- Stick around.
Make sure these guys|don't party too much.
- They don't really ever listen to me.|- Just get it done.
Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention?
Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention?
I've just been handed|an urgent
and horrifying news story.
I need all of you|to stop what you're doing
and listen.
Narrator:|Yes, these fellas were a real news team.
Burgundy, of course,|was the foundation, the rock.
But each member brought their own|special something to the equation.
People call me|the bri-man.
I'm the stylish one|of the group.
I know what|you're asking yourself,
and the answer is yes,|i have a nickname for my penis.
It's called the octagon.
But i also nicknamed|my testes.
My left one|is james westfall,
and my right one is|dr. Kenneth noisewater.
You ladies play your cards right,|you might get to meet the whole gang.
Bang, boom, they were|showing lasers
every friday night.
Champ here.|I'm all about havin' fun.
You know, get a couple|of cocktails in me,
start a fire|in someone's kitchen.
Maybe go to seaworld,|take my pants off.
Anyway, i've become|kind of famous
for my signature catchphrase,|"whammy!"
As in, "gene tenace|at the plate...
and whammy!"
I'm brick tamland.
People seem to like me|because i am polite
and i'm rarely late.
I like to eat ice cream,
and i really enjoy|a nice pair of slacks.
Years later,|a doctor will tell me
that i have an iq of 48
and am what some people call
"mentally retarded."
Ron: Hello!
- Whoo! Marco!|- Polo!
- Brian.|- You having a good time?
- I'm having a great time.|- That makes two of us.
You've gotta meet this girl.
She used to be a charger cheerleader,|but she broke her pelvis.
Sherri,|meet ron burgundy.
- Hey, ron.|- Hello.
- I've got a big story for you.|- Mm-hmm.
And it's right here.
Well, hello.
You pointed to your boobies.
Oh, my god, you did!
- Ron burgundy?|- Yes?
I have had a crush on you|since i was a little girl.
Let's go somewhere.
I'm telling you, it don't|get no better than this.
We've been coming|to the same party for 12 years,
and in no way|is that depressing.
Gonna make|our own lightning
yeah, she got the way|to move me, cherry
she got the way|to groove me
cherry, baby
she got the way|to move me
she got the way|to groove me...
by the beard of zeus!
Excuse me.
Ron, where you going?|What, are you crazy? Ron!
If you're coming down the baseline,|you gotta take home plate from me!
So there i go,|head first, boom!
I've lost her.
Hope i'm not disturbing|you, but, uh,
i saw you from across|the party, and, uh,
i don't usually do this, but i felt|compelled to tell you something.
You have...
an absolutely|breathtaking...
I mean, that thing is good.
I want to be friends with it.
Well, you certainly know|how to compliment a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Do you know who i am?
No, i can't say that i do.
I don't know how to put this,
but i'm kind of a big deal.
People know me.
I've very happy for you.
I'm very important.
I have...
many leather-bound books,
and my apartment
smells of rich mahogany.
L... i'm friends|with merlin olsen, too.
He comes over on occasion.
That's stupid.
No, no, that's...|very exciting.
Listen, can l...
can i start over again?
I wanna say something.|I'm gonna put it out there.
If you like it,|you can take it.
If you don't,|send it right back.
I wanna be on you.
Wait. Wait, wait,|wait, wait, wait.
i wanna be on you.
Yoo-hoo!|(clears throat)
Papa's home.
There he is.|There's my little man.
- You're okay?|- (barking)
Of course i met|a lady tonight.
This one was different.|I have to be honest.
Quite different.
- (barking)|- What...
i'm lonely?|I'm not lonely!
I'm beloved by everyone|in san diego.
You know how to cut|to the core of me, baxter.
- (growls)|- You're so wise.
You're like|a miniature buddha
covered in hair.
- (barks)|- Come again?
You know i don't speak spanish.|In english, please.
- (barks)|- Huh?
- (growling)|- You pooped in the refrigerator?
- (sneezes)|- And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
I'm not even mad.|That's amazing.
(laughing)|I forgive you.
What do you say we get you|in your pj's and hit the hay?
Bedtime. Okay, come on.|Let's go. Come on.
Oh, that was one|crazy party.
I am hung over.
Tell me about it.
I woke up this morning
and i shit a squirrel.
I mean it.|Literally.
Hell of it is,|damn thing's still alive.
So i got this|shit-covered squirrel
down there in the office.
Don't know what to name it.
I'm sorry, champ.
I think i ate|your chocolate squirrel.
All right, guys.|Let's focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories|we're going to be chasing today.
It looks like ling wong,
the rare panda|at the san diego zoo, is pregnant.
This is a big one.
This could be the big|story of the summer.
Network is gonna be wanting|plenty of coverage.
And speaking of network,|word on the street is
they're looking|for a new anchor.
- So, ron...|- huh? Network?
Are they here?
A lot of you have been hearing|the affiliates complaining
about a lack of diversity|on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
(clears throat)|Well, i could be wrong,
but i believe diversity|is an old, old wooden ship
that was used|during the civil war era.
I would be surprised|if the affiliates were concerned
about the lack|of an old wooden ship,
but nice try.
Diversity means|that times are changing,
and with that in mind...
- ron, are you paying attention?|- Nope.
- This concerns all of us.|- Okay.
Keeping that in mind, i'd like|to introduce the latest addition
to the kvwn news team,
directly from wypn
in asheville, north carolina,
ms. Veronica corningstone.
- Who's that lady?|- Hello.
- Who's that lady...|- hello, everyone.
- Oh!|- I just want you all to know
that i look forward|to contributing
to this news station's|already sterling reputation.
I mean, come on, ed!|It's bullcrap!
Don't get me wrong.|I love the ladies.
They rev my engine,|but they don't belong in the newsroom!
It is anchorman,|not anchorlady!
- And that is a scientific fact!|- Brian: Uh-huh.
I don't know|what we're yelling about!
Ron, what do you think?
She... sh...|it's terrible!
She has beautiful eyes,|and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Loud noises!
All right, everyone relax.|She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.
I read somewhere that|their periods attract bears.
Bears can smell|the menstruation.
Well, that's just great.|You hear that, ed?
Bears. Now you're putting|the whole station in jeopardy.
I will say|one thing for her, ed,
she does have a nice,|big old behind.
I'd like to put some|barbecue sauce on that butt
and just bite, bite, bite, bite,|munch, munch, munch!
- Ah-whoo!|- Stop it! Oh, jeez.
(barking, howling)
Look at the full-moon butt!|(yapping)
Champ! Champ!|Champ, champ!
Mr. Harken, i was just wondering
if you knew when my office|would be ready.
Well, that might|take some time.
For now, why don't you just|grab a desk in the bullpen?
You can use my office! Then afterwards|maybe we can go to lunch!
Lower your voice, ron.
All right.|Thank you, mr. Harken.
I'll go get|my desk set up.
(neck cracking)
Oh, she is a saucy mama!|I mean, i would...
(champ continues,|indistinct)
(veronica sighs)|Here we go again.
Every station|it's the same.
Women ask me|how i put up with it.
Well, the truth is,|i don't really have a choice.
This is definitely|a man's world.
But while they're laughing|and grab-assing,
i'm chasing down leads
and practicing|my nonregional diction.
Because the only way to win|is to be the best.
The very best.
Ron:|Touchy situation.
I think the best thing|to do with this corningstone,
to keep her in line,|is bed her quick.
Oh, that behind|is driving me loco!
I'm like a night wolf.|(howling)
Guys, take it easy.|Just take it easy!
- She's got feelings, too.|- Oh, my god!
Listen to burgundy.
He's gone soft on us,|like some schoolboy bitch.
You sound like a gay.
Hey! Come on!
It's me, papa burgundy,|all right?
As far as i'm concerned,|corningstone's fair game.
Huh?|Let the games begin!
There he is.|There he is.
I'm very aroused.
(champ laughing)|What's this?
Well, well, well.
Ron burgundy and the channel 4|news team.
Hello, wes mantooth.
Hello,|evening news team.
Nice clothes, gentlemen.
I didn't know the salvation army|was having a sale.
Am i right?|Look at these guys.
Hey, where did you|get those clothes?
At the toilet store?
What are you doing|on our station's turf, burgundy?
You're about to get|a serious beat-down.
I will smash your face|into a car windshield
and then take your mother,|dorothy mantooth,
out for a nice seafood dinner|and never call her again!
Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|You understand me?
- Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|- Ron: Hey.
Leave the mothers|out of this, all right?
It's unnecessary.
Besides, i'm sure wes here
is just upset over finishing|second in the ratings again.
That's completely|uncalled for, burgundy.
You know those|rating systems are flawed.
They don't take into account|houses that have
more than two television sets|and other things of that nature.
I guess i have to take you|at your word,
number two.
You have|a great day, fellas.
We'll see you around the bend.
Son of a bitch!
Brian:|Excusez-moi, numero two.
Hey, burgundy.
You know those sample audiences|aren't big enough!
Stop hiding behind those phony numbers,|burgundy! I'm coming after you!
I hate you, ron burgundy.|I hate you!
You can't say one word?
Even the guy who can't|think says something!
You guys just stand|there? Come on!
Right, but i think my son|is just going through a phase.
I have no idea where
he would have gotten ahold|of german pornography.
But you and i|are mature adults.
We've both seen our share|of pornographic materials.
Oh, you never have?
Of course you haven't,|how stupid of me. Neither have i.
I was just speaking|in generalities.
I'll stop by the school|a little later, sister margaret. Bye.
Ed, she insisted|on coming in.
Mr. Harken, sir,
i will not have my first story|at this news station
be about a cat fashion show.
Miss corningstone, ma'am,
you will do the stories|to which you are assigned.
Mr. Harken, i am|a damn good journalist,
and this cat show thing|is grade-a baloney.
It is not baloney.|Now, go do your job, missy!
It is baloney!
Hey, ron,
i'm gonna take a run|at the new girl.
Let the games begin.|(howls)
Oh, champ, champ,|we're not really gonna actually do that.
- We were just flapping our gums.|- Oh, yeah.
You kill me, burgundy.
Let me just grab this.|Oh, sorry about that.
- Whammy.|- Hmm.
- Uh, champ?|- Yeah.
You're trying to touch|my breasts, aren't you?
What can i say?|I like the way you're put together.
What do you say|we go out on a date?
Have some chicken,|maybe some sex.
You know,|see what happens?
Oh, let me get this|over here.
- (groans)|- Sorry.
Oh, there it is.
I'll give this|little cookie an hour
before we're doing|the no-pants dance.
- (chuckles)|- Time to musk up.
Ron: Wow.
It never ceases to amaze me.
What cologne|you gonna go with?
London gentleman, or...
wait. No, no, no.|Hold on.
Blackbeard's delight.
No, she gets|a special cologne.
It's called sex panther|by odeon.
- (snarling)|- It's illegal in nine countries.
Yep, it's made with bits|of real panther.
- So you know it's good.|- It's quite pungent.
Oh yeah.
It's a formidable scent.
It stings the nostrils.
- In a good way.|- Yep.
I'll be honest with you.|That smells like pure gasoline.
They've done studies,|you know.
60 % of the time,|it works every time.
That doesn't make sense.
let's go see if we can|make this little kitty purr.
Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite|i'd like to extend your way.
My god.
(sniffs)|What is that smell?
- (man coughs)|- Oh!
That's the smell|of desire, milady.
God, no, it smells like...
like a used diaper|filled with indian food.
Oh!|Excuse me.
Desire smells like that|to some people.
What is that? Smells like a turd|covered in burnt hair!
- (groaning)|- (retching)
- (woman shrieks)|- (man yelling)
It smells like|bigfoot's dick!
- (woman screams)|- Oh.
Man:|Oh, hell, that's rank!
(fire alarm ringing)
Oh, what's that smell?
This is worse than the time|the raccoon got in the copier.
It's very distracting.
- When we get to the pet shop...|- cough!
Look over here.
Excuse me, veronica.
Yes, what is it, brick?
I would like|to extend to you
an invitation|to the pants party.
Excuse me?
The party.|The pants...
with the pants.|Party with pants?
Brick, are you saying
that there's a party in|your pants and i'm invited?
That's it.
Hmm. Did brian tell you|to say this, brick?
No...|yes, he did.
Okay. No, i don't want to go|to a party in your pants.
Very well.|Lan?
Would you like to go|to a party in my pants?
No, brick.
All right. Let's go!
- All right, now...|- (loud crash)
I'm telling you,|she is a real ball-buster.
A real ice queen.
Mm. I just|burned my tongue.
The only way|to bag a classy lady
is to give her two tickets|to the gun show...
and see if she likes|the goods.
(ron grunts)
- Uh, mr. Burgundy?|- 1,003.
Helen said that you|needed to see me?
Oh, miss corningstone.
(grunts)|I wasn't expecting company.
Just doing my workout.
Tuesday's arms and back.
- You asked me to come by, sir.|- Oh, did i?
Oh, it's the deep burn!
Oh, it's so deep.|(grunts)
I can barely lift my right|arm 'cause i did so many.
I don't know if you heard me counting.|I did over 1,000.
You have your ubulus muscle
that connects|to the upper dorsinus.
It's boring,|but it's part of my life.
I'm just gonna grab this shirt,|if you don't mind.
Just watch out for the guns.|They'll get you.
You are pathetic.
This has to be|the feeblest
pickup attempt|that i have ever encountered.
I expected it from the rest of them,|mr. Burgundy, but not from you.
Wait a minute!|L... pickup attempt?
I'm offended.
I have little time|to get to the gym,
so i have to sculpt|my guns at the office.
Oh, stop calling|your arms "guns."
My plan was to ask you
if i could squire you|about town
as one professional|helping another professional,
because i know what it's like|to be lonely in a new city.
- Really?|- Yes.
But now i am too hurt.
And shocked and offended
and... and hurt.
I could do that.
Well, yes.
As a journalist,|i should get to know
the city|that i'm covering.
- But this is not a date.|- No, of course not.
- Strictly professional.|- Wonderful.
- Hmm.|- Great.
Shall i pick you up
Mm, 9:00.
(clears throat)
Mr. Burgundy, you have|a massive erection.
Yes, i do.|Um...
i'm sorry, it's the...
- it's the pleats.|- Mm.
It's actually|an optical illusion.
It's the pattern|on the pants.
It's not flattering|in the crotchal region.
I'm actually|taking them back right now.
Taking them back|to the pants store.
Oh, this is awkward.
I'm gonna walk...
i'm gonna walk|this situation off
and i will see you later.|Nothing to look at.
Go back to work, everyone.
Don't act like|you're not impressed.
Don't look at me right now.
I'm walking around the office.
My new walk.
I have a situation right now|i'm trying to walk off.
Frame up two.
- Let's go to brian fantana live...|- gimme a tighter one on two.
...with a channel 4|news exclusive.
Panda watch.|The mood is tense.
I have been on some|serious, serious reports,
but nothing like this.
L... l... ching...|king is inside now.
I tried to get an interview,|but they said, "you can't.
He's a live bear. He will|literally rip your face off."
Hey! You're making me|look stupid!
Get out here!|Panda jerk!
Great story.|Compelling and rich.
(theme music plays)
That's gonna do it for all|of us at channel 4 news.
You stay classy,|san diego.
I'm ron burgundy?
Damn it! Who typed a question mark|on the teleprompter?
For the last time, anything|you put on that prompter,
burgundy will read.
Oh, god,|this is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
He's very cute. Very cute.|No, he's not. He's hairy.
There she is!|Veronica!
My little china doll.
I am full of it tonight.
Oh, silly. Hi.
You look ravishing.
It truly is beauty|and the beast.
I might add|a handsome beast at that.
Are you ready|for our rendezvous?
It's not a date.
No, strictly professional.
Doesn't mean|we can't have fun.
- Shall we?|- Yes.
San diego.
Mm! Drink it in.
It always|goes down smooth.
(both chuckle)
What a beautiful view,|mr. Burgundy.
I know. I love this city.|It's a...
it's a fact.
It's the greatest city|in the history of mankind.
Discovered by the germans|in 1904.
They named it san diago,
which of course in german|means a whale's vagina.
N... no, there's|no way that's correct.
I'm sorry.|I was trying to impress you.
I don't know what it means.
I'll be honest. I don't think anyone|knows what it means anymore.
Scholars maintain that|the translation was lost
hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean|saint diego?
No. No.
No, that's...|that's what it means.
Well, agree to disagree.
May i take your order?
Yes, i am going to have|three fingers of glenlivet
with a little bit of pepper,|and, uh, some cheese.
Very good.
A manhattan,|and kick the vermouth
in the side with a pair|of steel-toed boots.
- Certainly.|- Thank you, scott.
Thank you.
Wow.|Quite a drink order.
Oh, well, when in rome.|(chuckles)
Please, go on.
Uh, do as the romans do?
It's an old expression.
Oh! I've never heard of it.
- Oh.|- It's wonderful, though.
(chuckling)|Mr. Burgundy.
- Tino! How are you?|- So good to see you.
You're looking fantastic.
Tino, veronica.
Veronica.|What a pretty girlfriend.
- Drinks are on tino tonight.|- No, no, no.
We're work associates.|I work at the station.
- I'm a journalist.|- Oh, okay. This is a good guy.
Tino's the finest|club owner in the city.
- My best friend, right?|- Yes.
Yes, we have a saying|in my country about people like him.
"The coyote of the desert
always likes to eat|the heart of the young,
where the blood drips down to children|for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
- only the ribs will be broken in two."|- Tino.
Okay. Well, mr. Burgundy,|we will be honored
if you will play|"yazz" flute for us.
- I can't.|- Please.
- (sighs)|- You play jazz flute?
- I dabble.|- Oh.
Would everyone love to hear|ron burgundy play "yazz" flute?
- Man: Get it goin', ronnie!|- Tino: Yes! Please.
You, on stage now.
Okay, i guess i can play|a little ditty.
- Honestly, i'm...|- come on.
- Give him a hand.|- I'm not prepared. Not at all.
- Yeah!|- This is a surprise, i'll tell you.
Guys, "east harlem|shakedown," e flat?
Keep the cymbals splashy,
and, jay, let's take|the bass line for a walk.
(sputtering)|Hold on.
I'm not hearing it right.|Hold on.
We got it now.|It's all right.
Woman:|Fire up, ronnie!
Little "ham and eggs" comin' at you.|Hope you got your griddles.
That's baby-makin' music,|that's what that is.
- Let's go!|- (microphone feedback)
(plays "aqualung" riff)
Hey, aqualung!
Thank you.
Thank you!
You were amazing.
Mm. Thank you.
Where did you learn|to play like that?
Well, jazz flute
has always been a small|passion of mine.
So what other passions|do you have, mr. Burgundy?
Well, i have one|great passion that...
that lives deep|within my loins, like a...
like a flaming golden hawk:
To one day|become a network anchor.
Well, believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I too want to be|an network anchor.
God, you are so beautiful.
- (upholstery squeaks)|- (veronica pants)
We really|should be going.
I swore that i would never|get involved with a coworker.
What if, just for tonight,|we weren't coworkers?
We were co-people?
- I don't...|- shh.
You be a woman.
I'll be a man.
That's all.
You continue to surprise|me, mr. Burgundy.
Oh, i'm storming your castle|on my steed, milady.
(both moaning)
Oh, mi corazón|es en fuego!
Julio, fuego,|fuego, fuego!
Wait, stop.|Stop talking like that.
- I can't understand you.|- Sorry.
Take me to pleasure town!
- Oh, we're going there!|- Oh!
Love is like candy|on a shelf
you want to taste|and help yourself...
i friggin' love you!
I friggin' love you back!
Help yourself,|take a few
that's what|i want you to do...
look! The most glorious|rainbow ever!
Oh, do me on it!
Just say the word|and they are yours...
- (horses whinny)|- Whee!
In my heart your smile|has opened up the door
the greatest wealth|that exists in the world.
Well done, sir.
(both sigh)
Tip of the cap to you as well,|miss corningstone.
I'm having very strong feelings|for you, mr. Burgundy.
But it's very important to me|that i be viewed as a professional.
- Right.|- Hmm.
When in rome.
That, uh, expression
doesn't really apply|to what i'm talking about.
- Oh, i'm...|- what i was saying.
I still don't quite|understand what it means.
Oh, no.|You'll find it.
(both chuckle)
No, i was saying that,
if we continue|seeing each other,
that we should keep it|relatively quiet around the station.
my wild love tigress.
(both growl)
Tasteful discretion|is the name of the game.
Veronica corningstone|and i had sex,
and now we are in love!
Did i say that loud?
Yeah, you pretty much|yelled it.
Well, i can't help it.
It's fantastic!
- What's it like, ron?|- The intimate times?
Outta sight, my man!
No. The other thing.
Yeah.|What is that?
Well, it's tough to explain.
- I think i was in love once.|- Really, what was her name?
I don't remember.
That's not a good start,|but keep going.
She was brazilian.
Or chinese,|or something weird.
I met her in the bathroom|of a k-mart,
and we made out for hours.
Then we parted ways,|never to see each other again.
I'm pretty sure|that's not love.
Damn it!
I love...
I love desk.
Are you just looking at things|in the office and saying you love them?
I love lamp.
Do you really love the lamp,|or are you saying it because you saw it?
I love lamp!|I love lamp.
You really want to know|what love is?
- Yeah.|- Yes, tell us.
More than anything|in the world.
Well, it's really|quite simple.
It's kind of like...
gonna find my baby,|gonna hold her tight
gonna grab|some afternoon delight
my motto's always been|"when it's right, it's right"
why wait until the middle|of a cold, dark night
when everything's a little|clearer in the light of day
and we know the night
is always gonna|be there anyway?
Thinkin' of you's|working up my appetite
lookin' forward|to a little afternoon delight
rubbin' sticks and stones together|make the sparks ignite
and the thought of lovin' you|is getting so exciting
sky rockets in flight
- boo!|- Afternoon delight...
- whoop!|- You guys have it, i think.
Afternoon delight.
I don't know, ron.|That sounds kinda crazy.
Sounds like you have|mental problems, man.
- Yeah, you got mental problems, man.|- Yeah, he really does.
Afternoon delight.
- Wanna make a phone call.|- Freshen this up.
Oh, look out.|Next up, it's whiskerus maximus.
He's ready to do battle|in the arena
against the tiniest lion|you've ever imagined.
I'm getting some great stuff,|miss corningstone.
Shut up.
Oh, i hate cats.
Let's just do my sign-off|and get outta here.
It was quite a show|down here at the pet shack.
Just for today, fashion curiosity|did not kill the cat.
I'm veronica corningstone|for channel 4 news.
That was our newest reporter,|veronica corningstone.
She's really great.
I'd also like to share with you|that we are currently dating
and that she is quite|a handful in the bedroom.
- (theme music plays)|- Uh...
that's gonna do it|for all of us here at 6:00.
For the channel 4 news team,|i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
Man: All clear.
Ron: Uh-oh.
I might be in trouble|on that one.
I can't believe that you said|that we were dating on the air.
Mmm! Mmm.|That is good fondue.
Don't you get it, ron?|I wanna be an anchor.
That is never gonna happen|if everyone in san diego
thinks that i'm|your bimbo gal pal.
I don't know what to say.
I just...|i got excited.
I just wanted to shout it|from on top of a mountain.
But i didn't have a mountain.|I had a newsroom and a camera.
I report the news.|That's what i do.
And today's top story,|in ron burgundy's world,
read something like this:
I love veronica corningstone.
Oh, ron.
Ron:|This is nice, gang, sittin' here.
- Brian: Oh, yeah.|- Ron: Brown baggin' it.
The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow|morning at 9:00 instead of 8:00.
Oh! Almost forgot.
I won't be able|to make it, fellas.
Veronica and i are trying|this new fad called,
uh, jogging.
I believe it's jogging or yogging.|It might be a soft "j."
I'm not sure,|but apparently you just run
for an extended period|of time.
- It's supposed to be wild.|- So ron's not coming?
No, ron's coming.
It's the pancake breakfast.|We do it every month.
I realize that.
Sometimes you gotta look yourself|in the mirror and say, "when in rome."
The bottom line is,
you've been spending|a lot of time with this lady.
You're a member of|the channel 4 news team.
- That's a given.|- We need you.
Hell, i need you.
I'm a mess without ya.
I miss you|so damn much.
I miss being with you.
I miss being near you.|I miss your laugh.
(anguished laugh)
I miss...|i miss your scent.
(sniffing)|I miss your musk.
- (clears throat)|- When this all gets sorted out,
i think you and me should|get an apartment together.
Just take it easy, champ.
Why don't you stop talking|for a while?
Maybe sit the next|couple of plays out.
You know what i mean?
Yeah, i'm gonna quit|sayin' things
when they crop up|in the ol' skull, huh?
See what it's like|when you're not here?
You're our leader.|Look what you're doing to the group.
Champ's been a mess.|Brick can't sleep at night.
- (chuckles)|- Here's the thing,
i don't trust this chick.
We need you around,|and she is just using you.
Everyone, just relax.|All right?
Believe me, if there's one thing|ron burgundy knows, it's women.
Okay, and veronica corningstone,|she's just...
she's just dying|to quit her job
so that she can take care|of me and have babies.
(door opening, closing)
Hey, gang.
Papa's home.
Oh, honey.
I am so glad you're home.
My alabaster doll.
You look great.
No eye contact!
Oh, darling.
I've spent all day|cleaning your emmys
and preparing dinner|in the nude.
Oh, let's make whoopie.
And then i'm going to go drinking|with the news team for two days.
Bite it!|Bite it!
- Oh, yes!|- Oh, yeah!
You are a bad boy.
I'm bad. I need to go|to the principal's office.
I love my life.
I don't know, ron.
Guess what.|I do.
I know that one day, veronica|and i are gonna get married
on top of a mountain.
And there's going|to be flutes playing
and trombones and flowers
and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance|till the sun rises.
And then our children|will form a family band.
And we will tour|the countryside,
and you won't be invited!
I'm telling you, this lady has really|crawled into ron's head.
(wheezing laugh)
Good.|Good one!
Oh, okay.|I understand.
You have a nice day,|sir. Bye.
Um, i could come back|later, mr. Harken.
No, no, no.
It's just parent stuff.
It seems that our youngest,|chris, was
on something called acid
and was firing|a bow and arrow into a crowd.
- Mm.|- You know how kids are.
Oh. Right.
Anyhoo, what can|i do you for?
Well, mr. Harken,
i feel like i have proven|myself as a journalist
and that i deserve|the opportunity
to take on more|challenging stories.
Well, ask|and you shall receive.
Ah, yes, this just|came across my desk.
Here is a story|of a 103-year-old woman
who claims to have a recipe|for the world's greatest meat loaf.
Ooh, now that's|a hot lead.
Narrator:|It was very hard for veronica.
But she was a pro|and hung tough.
But soon, with a simple act|of littering,
everyone's life|would change forever.
Ron:|La la la la la.
Oh, baxter, you are|my little gentleman
i'll take you|to foggy london town
because you are what?
My little gentleman.
This burrito is delicious,|but it is filling.
- (tires screeching)|- Ron: Whoa!
Antony and cleopatra!
(groaning continues)
Goddamn son of...
what the hell, bro'?
Hello, neighbor.
Did you just throw a burrito|out your window?
I believe i did.
Are you high or something?|Did you see what happened?
I did. That was a terrific spill.|That's quite a raspberry.
That's my chopper|you just thrashed, broseph.
Easy, compadre. I'm your|friend out here, all right?
I want you to fix my chopper|before i stomp your goofy ass!
If you want|to throw down, fine.
I've got jack johnson|and tom o'leary waiting for you.
You destroyed|the only thing i love.
All right? There it is.|What do you love?
I love poetry.
And a glass of scotch.
And, of course,|my friend baxter here.
Well, guess what.|Now this is happenin'.
Excuse me. Excuse me.|What are you doing?
- (splashes)|- That's how i roll.
- Where the hell is he?|- He'll be here.
- I thought he was mr. Dependable.|- It's not like ron.
I'd put brick on, but unless he's|tracking a storm front, he's useless.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.|- Oh. Hello.
Just want you to know if ron does not|show up, i am ready to go on.
You and i have had this discussion|a million times.
There's never been|a woman anchor.
Mr. Harken,
- this city needs its news.|- Oh.
You're gonna deprive them|of that because i have breasts?
Exquisite breasts?
I am gonna go on,|and if you want to stop me, bring it on.
Because i am good|at three things:
Fighting, screwing|and reading the news.
I've already done one of those today,|so what's the other one gonna be?
I will be in makeup.
Jesus, she's terrifying!
- Fantana.|- (wailing)
Ron, are you okay?
The man punted baxter!
- (wailing)|- Calm down.
Breathe, ron,|breathe.
The man that loved|the motorcycle!
What did the bad man do?
The motorcycle on the bridge!|I hit him with a burrito!
- Ron!|- He took him!
He took him with his foot|and he kicked him!
That's what he did!
Someone punted him?
No, wait. Wait.|Let me say something.
Let me say something.|(wailing)
- What?|- (wailing)
L... i don't... i didn't|understand one word you said.
Ron, are you okay?|Ron?
Ron.|Where are you?
I'm in a glass case|of emotion!
He's gonna put|corningstone on.
He's gonna|put corningstone on!
I've got to do the news!
(ed snickers)
(clears throat)
You're not ron.
We're on in 10.|Good luck, lady.
Ready the announce.
(clears throat)
- Power.|- Roll in.
One slip,
and you're gone.|Whammy.
Announcer:|And your reporter in the field,
brian fantana.
It's channel 4 news|at 6:00.
(clears throat)
Good evening.|Ron burgundy is off tonight.
I'm veronica corningstone.
Tonight's top story:
- Okay, we're off and running.|- Three armed men
wearing ski masks made off with over|$20,000 from an area bank
in a daring|early morning robbery.
And the winner of the frog-leaping|contest was hoppy,
with a jump|of seven feet, 10 inches.
I used to date a guy named hoppy down|in alabama. He was quite a jumper, too.
That will do it|for us at 6:00.
From all of us here|at channel 4 news,
i'm veronica corningstone,
and thanks|for stopping by, san diego.
- (applause)|- All clear!
Yes! Yes!
Lady! Lady!
Not bad, miss corningstone.|Not bad at all.
Thank you, mr. Harken.|That felt good.
- That felt really good.|- I liked your sign-off line, too.
You did? It just came through me.|It was so organic.
Veronica:|Thank you.
Oh, ron! Ron!|Ron, darling!
I'm so glad you're|all right. Oh, god.
I have something|magnificent to tell you.
I'm here.|We can do the news now.
It's all right, everyone!|We can do the news.
Hold on. Why are we all standing around?|Let's go!
Ron, we did it.|Veronica filled in for you.
Sweetheart, we were|so worried about you,
and we waited as long|as we could, but...
darling, i did the news,|and i nailed it. I nailed it.
Wait, wait! Veronica, please,|tell me this is some kind
of sick, tasteless joke.
You weren't here.|Why are you being this way?
Why can't you|be proud of me
as a peer and as|my gentleman lover?
Oh, jeez.
I can't believe|you did this to me!
You read my news!
I told you that i wanted|to be an anchor.
I told you that.
I thought you were kidding!
I thought it was a joke!
I even wrote it down|in my diary!
"Veronica had|a very funny joke today."
I laughed at it|later that night!
I can't believe|that i cared for you.
Get out! Just go!
We are through!|Through!
Because of your actions,|you scorpion woman!
You have broken my heart,|mr. Burgundy.
You have broken my heart.
Narrator:|From there on out,
things just got worse|for ron burgundy.
Corningstone was a star,
and everything started|to move awfully fast
- after her big break.|- Where's lan? Lan!
Ed:|All right, i got a call from network.
It looks like|our broadcast last night
received a two-point|ratings boost,
and the decision|has been passed down
to make veronica|our co-anchor.
- What?|- No. No!
- No!|- No!
- No!|- This is wonderful.
Ed, come here,|you big silly man. You big silly man.
- We did it.|- What is this, amateur hour?
- That's great.|- Thank you.
- Sunshine, go away today...|- damn it!
I don't feel much like dancing
some man's gone,|he's trying to run my life
don't know what he's asking
when he tells me|i better get in line
i can't hear|what he's sayin'
when i grow up|i'm gonna make it mine
these ain't dues...
what brian didn't tell you
was that those|were not real pirates.
- They looked convincing, though.|- Oh, yes.
Well, for all of us here|at channel 4 news,
i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
And thanks|for stopping by.
But mainly stay classy.
- Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy, i'm ron burgundy.
- Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy.
- Ron burgundy.|- (clears throat)
You are a real hooker,|and i'm gonna slap you in public.
You have way|too much pubic hair.
Actually, that's a point of pride.
I'm very proud of my mane|of pubic hair, so thank you.
You have man boobs.|(chuckling)
You've got a dirty,|whorish mouth.
I'm gonna punch you|in the ovary.
- A straight shot.|- Ooh, ow.
Right to the baby-maker.
Ah, jazz flute|is for little fairy boys.
Okay, you know what?|That's uncalled for.
I can't work with this woman.|It's terrible.
- (phone ringing)|- It's ringing.
Veronica corningstone.
Hello, veronica,|this is mike rithjin
from the network.|You've just been promoted.
You're gonna need to move|to moscow.
Start cleaning up your desk.
See you in the morning.|We'll pick you up in a van.
What did you say|your name was?
Mike ritnitjun.|It's not important.
Start cleaning your desk,
and we'll pick you up|in the morning.
Tell her she might|want to get a coat.
Hold on. Veronica?|What was it?
Champ:|Tell her to get a coat.
Also, i don't know if you know moscow.|It's pretty cold.
You might want|to buy a coat.
Are you and champ|having a good time, ron?
Are we what?
I can see you, ron.
I can see you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- What happened?|- She knew it was me.
Announcer:|You're watching channel 4 news
with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor
ron burgundy|and tits mcgee.
Good evening, san diego.|I'm veronica corningstone.
Tits mcgee is on vacation.
And i'm tits...|i'm ron burgundy.
(clears throat)
(phone rings)
- Veronica corningstone.|- This is your doctor.
I have your pregnancy|report here, and guess what.
You got knocked up.|You should probably get out of news.
- Who is this?|- This is dr. Chim.
- Dr. Chim richalds.|- Ron, is this you?
- (laughing)|- I'm a professional doctor.
You saw me.|You don't remember.
- We... you should move.|- (champ laughing)
- Get out of the business.|- This is pathetic.
You're pathetic.
What'd she say?
She... i don't...|i think she bought it.
Champ:|She's looking this way.
- Oh, uh-oh. Whoa!|- Here she comes.
Ron: I'll tell you what,|it's just not working.
She's making us look like|a bunch of fools.
- Ellen, where's the party?|- (sighs)
Children, grow up.
Son of a bee sting.
She's turning|the entire office against us.
- This is grim. Real grim.|- What are we gonna do?
There's only one thing|a man can do
when he's suffering from a spiritual|and existential funk.
Go to the zoo,|flip off the monkeys?
No. Buy new suits.
All: Yea!
That girl
i'm gonna make her mine|if it takes all night
can you dig it?|Can you dig it?
Can you dig it? Can you dig it?
Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes.
Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes.
Brick, i thought you said|this was a shortcut.
- Is it a shortcut or not?|- Okay.
(bell jingles)
Uh-oh.|Here comes trouble.
(hooting, laughing)
Burgundy and the ladies|went out for a stroll, huh?
(wolf whistle, catcalls)
You boys walkin' around|and talkin' things through?
Keep a tight perimeter.
Yes, sirree.
Well, well, well.
Ron burgundy
and the channel 4|news team.
Where's your mommy?
You back off,|evening news team.
You know,|i understand that, uh,
they had to bring|a female in.
Change your diapers.
Wipe the dribble away|from your bubblin' lips.
Rub vaseline|all over your heinie
and tell you that it's special|and different from everyone else's.
He said "heinie"!
Brick, get back over here!
Does she tuck you in, ronnie?
Give you a little kiss|on your forehead?
Tell you everything's|gonna be okay?
I've had enough|of you, mantooth.
This is gonna end|right here, right now.
Let's dance, dickweed.
You wanna dance, ronnie?
I wanna polka.
Come get a taste.
Brick, where'd you get|a hand grenade?
I don't know.
All right.|Let's do this!
If you're gonna have a fight,
then don't forget|channel 2 news with me,
lead anchor frank vitchard.
You dirtbags have been|in third place for five years.
Yeah? Well, you're about|to be in dead place.
Not so fast, you ingrates!
Public news team is taking|a break from its pledge drive
to kick some ass.
No commercials!|No mercy!
Cómo están, pinches!
Spanish language news is here.
Tonight's top story:
The sewers run red|with burgundy's blood.
Hyah! Hyah!
Well looks like we got|ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.
Now, before we do this,|let's go over the ground rules.
Rule number one:
No touching|of the hair or face.
Of course.
And that's it!
Now let's do this!
- Begin!|- (shouting)
- (screams)|- (chuckles)
I'm gonna straight-up|murder your ass!
- Blade!|- Here you go, mate!
Ahh! God!
Oh! I did not|see that coming!
Oh! Aaah!
- Now i'll be number one.|- No, you won't!
- (sirens wailing)|- Policía!
Boy, that escalated quickly.
I mean, that really|got out of hand fast.
- It jumped up a notch.|- It did, didn't it?
Yeah, i stabbed|a man in the heart.
I saw that.|Brick killed a guy.
- Did you throw a trident?|- Yeah.
There were horses and a man on fire|and i killed a guy with a trident.
I've been meaning|to talk to you about that.
Find yourself a safe house|or a relative close by.
Lay low for a while, because you're|probably wanted for murder.
I'm proud of you fellas.
You kept your head|on a swivel.
That's what you gotta do when|you're in a vicious cockfight.
Can you believe mantooth and|the channel 9 evening news team?
"Where's your mommy?|Someone's gotta change your diapers."
This corningstone business|is really hurting our rep.
I know exactly|what you mean, brian.
Every newsman in this city's|laughing at us.
- And i don't like it.|- I don't like the put-downs.
We're gonna do|something about it.
It is time to put|an end to this!
Last time i looked, my name's ron|burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian fantana.|- Champ kind.
- Brian fantana.|- No, you're brick.
- Brian.|- I'm brian.
Ron on tv:|And i've shown you, old man!
Garth, i need to look at these tapes|for a potential lead.
Ron's using the machine
to play his local emmy|acceptance speech from last year.
I tried to ask her|out on a date.
Turn the music off!|I'm still talking!
- This is ridiculous!|- I don't remember doing it.
- Excuse me.|- What are you doing?
I need this machine so i can|watch a tape for a story.
I'm using the tape.
I'm showing jeffrey|my emmy tape.
We are watching history.
Mr. Burgundy,|i'm a professional,
and i would like|to be able to do my job.
Big deal!|I am very professional!
Mr. Burgundy,|you are acting like a baby.
I'm not a baby, i am a man.|I am an anchorman!
You are not a man.|You are a big fat joke!
I'm a man|who discovered the wheel
and built the eiffel tower|out of metal and brawn.
That's what|kind of man i am.
You're just a woman|with a small brain.
With a brain a third the size of us.|It's science.
I will have you know|that i have more talent
and more intelligence|in my little finger
than you do|in your entire body, sir!
You are a smelly|pirate hooker!
You look like a blueberry.
Why don't you go back|to your home on whore island?
Well, you have bad hair.
(onlookers gasp)
What did you say?
I said
your hair
looks stupid.
- Let 'em work it out!|- It's between the two of them!
They're just talking.|Just talking.
- I hate you!|- I hate you more!
(veronica yells)
- (screaming)|- Shut up! Shut up!
All right, stop!
Stop what you're doing|right now!
I will not have|my newsroom be divided.
Ah! Knights of columbus,|that hurts!
Veronica:|I was like, "who is that guy?"
I just can't believe|what ron did to you.
It is so awful.
Have you ever thought|about fighting fire
with fire?
What do you mean?
I have some information|that you can choose to use or not use.
Up to you.
Ron burgundy
will read anything|that is put on that teleprompter.
And when i say anything,
i mean an-y-thing.
Arnold, cue one.
After the fotomat|was destroyed,
the bear scampered|back into the woods.
Apparently he wasn't too happy|with his color prints.
- Oh.|- (chuckles)
From the entire|channel 4 news team,
i'm veronica corningstone.
And i'm ron burgundy.
Go fuck yourself,|san diego.
- (cup clatters)|- (gasps)
What in the name...
Nobody talks about|my city that way!
Ron burgundy's ass|is grass!
Nice work, everyone.|Sharp broadcast.
Really good.|Everyone on the floor as well.
Really a lot of hustle.|I liked it.
- (phone ringing)|- Dump out! Dump out!
(humming)|Hello, edward.
- Ron, i've got to fire you.|- I've got to fire you.
Bing, bong, bong.|You're fired, ed.
Do you even know|what you just said?
(gasps)|Great odin's raven!
Are you happy, ron?
Veronica.|She put that in the teleprompter.
You're probably right,|but this is bad, ron. Real bad.
My hands are tied. L...
i gotta fire you.
Ed, let's hold on.|Let's count to 10.
That's a rash decision.|Is this about something else?
Ed, there's 300|very angry san diego-ites.
San diego-ins.|San diego-uns.
- San dieg-ons.|- San diegans.
San diegans out|in front of the station.
They want ron's blood.
They want to hurt you.
Why did you say that? Why?
(sobbing)|Why, ron? Why?
You're my hero, ron.
Garth, l...
and you come out|with stink like that poop!
You poop mouth!|Get all the poop out of your mouth!
If i were to give you money out|of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
I hate you, ron burgundy!|I hate you!
Ron? Ron! I never|wanted it to be like this.
I can't believe you did this to me!|Are you happy?
No, ron, i'm not!|It was supposed to be a joke.
I mean, it's still kind of funny.
But it's not.
I have nothing left!|Nothing!
I've been reduced to rubble!
Don't you know i would|never say the word fuck?
I would never fucking|ever fucking say that!
Let's go. These people|are about to pull you apart.
I'm sorry. Get your hands|off him, you bastards!
Don't you know i would|never say fuck?
- Fuck!|- Move.
No! No!
Mr. Burgundy, you should|be ashamed of yourself.
- Please, l...|- you're an awful man!
You are truly a disappointment|to us all, mr. Burgundy!
Narrator:|Bob dylan once wrote,
"the times,|they are a-changin'."
Ron burgundy|had never heard that song.
So when he fell, he fell hard.
Announcer:|It's channel 4 news at 6:00!
Good evening, san diego.
I'm lead anchor|veronica corningstone.
Tonight's top story:|An ultrasound of ling wong,
the most famous panda|in the world,
shows that her baby|is doing quite well.
- No!|- (ringing)
Ron burgundy, stay classy.|(clears throat)
Hello, this is ron.
Who's there?|I'm talking. Hello.
Who is this?
Baxter, is that you?
Bark twice|if you're in milwaukee.
Is this wilt chamberlain?
Have the courage|to say something. Hello!
Oh, tino, thank you|for letting me come in here.
I'm glad i can still|get a good meal.
Yeah sure. Here you are,|the chef made this special for you.
You eat that for the way|you talk about my city.
I will not eat that.
You're going to eat|that cat poo.
I will not eat cat poop.
- You will eat cat poo.|- Ron burgundy says no!
You make a fool of me|and everyone here.
You put that cat poo|in your mouth.
- No!|- Yes!
- No!|- Sí!
- I will not eat cat poop.|- You will do it immediately!
- No!|- You will!
- Fine, i'll try to eat one...|- get in there.
If i take one bite will|you get me a steak?
If i take one bite of shit|will you bring me a steak?
I'll think about it.
Yeah, get in there.
- Yeah, start with the end.|- I am so hungry.
- There.|- Oh god!
A steak. A big steak|for him, please.
No!|I had one bite.
- That's not enough.|- Son of a bitch.
- You like this?|- (ron crying)
Oh, don't cry.|Don't cry.
He's not crying.|He's not crying.
- Don't cry in my...|- i'll eat the shit. I don't care.
I'll eat the entire|hunk of shit.
Okay, just finish it up.
Don't you feel|better now?
Hey, you watch|yourself, mister.
Hey, lady in|the red hat. Yeah.
You smell.
Guys.|Guys, it's me, ron.
Harken said he'd fire us|if we talked to you.
- What?|- I'm sorry.
L... brian!
- It's ronnie!|- Ron!
- Champ!|- Ron!
Champ, come on.|Come on!
Go, brick.
My sweet brick.
Brick, come hug me.|I know you want to.
Ron: I am completely|miserable, san diego!
It's so damn hot!
Milk was a bad choice!
Yes, yes.|Chris, listen to me.
Put down the gun|and let the marching band go.
- We'll play it off as a prank.|- (phone ringing)
We'll straighten it out later.|I'm getting another call.
Ed harken.
What?|Oh, my god!
Listen, everybody, ling wong|the panda is giving birth!
Get corningstone|over there right away!
The network|is picking up the feed.
I want a shot|of that panda being born!
This is ted nightingale,|channel 6 news los angeles,
reporting from|the san diego zoo.
And this is the moment
the entire world|has been waiting for.
I can only speculate|as to the sex of the panda,
but if i had to guess,|i'd say female.
- Excuse me. Press.|- Hey, lady, watch it.
Excuse me, i'm press.|Thank you. What do you got?
Nothing. All i can see|is a blue curtain.
Veronica:|Oh, damn it.
Go over there and see|if you can get a shot. I'll go this way.
Hey, lady, why don't you|go fetch me a sandwich?
- (laughing)|- Okay, i'll go get your sandwich.
Then i'll show you the ratings where|you're number two to a woman.
Ouch. Don't lose|any more hair over it.
- Whatever.|- We're live, mr. Mantooth.
Good afternoon,|san diego.
We're here today to celebrate|the birth of a panda.
Sky rockets in flight
afternoon delight
I make fart noises|with my mouth
- And i like to cut...|- hey, nut job!
Quit the singin'!
Creeping out|all the regulars.
I'm expressing my inner anguish|through the majesty of song!
Look, drunkie, you been|coming in here every day,
stinking up the joint|with your craziness.
Now, what the hell|is wrong with you?
I got no heart!
Because a she-devil stole it!
You know what the worst|part about it is?
She's better than me!
She's better than me.
You know, times are changing.
Ladies can do stuff now.
You're gonna have to learn|how to deal with that.
What?|Were you saying something?
Look, i don't|speak spanish.
Scotty, i have the shot.
Scotty. Scotty!
(clear throat)|Hey, uh,
that is some fantastic|shot you got there.
The kind of shot that gets you|to the top of network news.
- Oh, well, we hope.|- We at public television,
we're really down|with the woman's lib thing.
That is so refreshing to me.
Because the struggle i've...|(screams)
- Howie, we have the shot.|- (veronica grunts)
Up a little.|Up, up.
Oh.|You son of a bitch!
Don't want to wake up|your friends.
(veronica groaning)
(grunts, shrieks)
- Simply vanished.|- How do you lose your lead anchor?
- I can't find corningstone.|- Where the hell is she?
- No one's seen her.|- I can't believe this.
Every news outlet in the world|is looking for coverage on this.
I've got no damn lead anchor!
Damn it! Get me a phone.
I can't believe|i'm about to do this.
(phone rings)
Rocky's,|bar, grill, fine dining.
- Is there an anchorman there?|- Hold on.
This is killing me.|I'd rather slit my throat.
- Hello?|- Hello?
- Is this ron?|- Who is this?
- It's me. Ed.|- Who?
- Ed harken.|- I don't know a ned.
- Ed harken!|- Ed!
- Ed, hello.|- Listen, ron.
Corningstone disappeared in the midst|of the biggest story of the year.
We need you down here|right away.
Wait, ed.
Does this mean you're asking me|to report the news again?
- Yes.|- Ed!
That's wonderful!|Thank you!
Ed, hold on.|I want to say a few words.
- You have always been a good friend!|- Right.
- Always!|- Right.
Get down here|as quickly as you can.
Ed, i'll be down there.
And i'm going to look good.
Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy.
Damn!|That dude cleans up good!
If i'm gonna do this, i'll need|my news team at my side.
(breathing deep)
Ron:|News team!
(horn echoing)
News team, assemble!
Hey, ron.
What's up?
Hi.|Didn't see you there.
We've been here literally|the entire time you have.
I'm a little embarrassed.
I just got the call from harken.|He wants me back.
But i can't do this|without my news team.
I don't know, ron.
That was half a lifetime ago.|We're different people now.
When you left,|the hurt was so deep.
I don't know if i can|go through that again.
Think about|what you're asking.
there was a time
when you called me|your lead anchor.
Will you follow me again?
I'm gettin' too old|for this shit.
To the news van!
- To the news van!|- Okay!
Well, i'll be.|Ron burgundy.
He's back!
Gentlemen, let's try|to get in a good position for the story.
- How does the hair look?|- Magnificent.
Champ:|You have hair like an angel.
Oh, whoa, whoa.|Network talent scout.
- Champ: This is a hot one.|- Ron: I'm actually nervous.
- Let's go get 'em.|- (veronica whimpering)
Wait! Did you|just hear something?
- (growling)|- Help.
- Ron, help!|- Veronica!
- Are you okay?|- Shh!
How did you|get down there?
Just go get someone.|Please.
Hold on.|Hold on!
We've got to do something.
Whoa, ron, i don't want|to sound cruel, but...
there's a network|talent scout over there.
This is a tough decision.
So much to think about.
Basically the biggest story|of my career,
launching me to a level|i've never known before,
or saving the woman
i used to have|familiar relations with.
This is hard!
I am in a pickle!
Ron, i know|it sounds harsh,
but god does not|want her to live.
No. Hold on.
It's clear now.
We go into the bear pit.
Ron, don't.
I immediately|regret this decision.
What are you doing?|Why didn't you get help?
Ron:|These bears are massive!
They looked|a lot smaller from up there.
Fan out.|Let's go find harken.
Stay calm.
It's all right. I think it's all right,|my sweet chinchilla.
- Oh, ron.|- Yes, yes.
In case we die here today,
there's something|that you should know.
That dirty trick|with the teleprompter, it wasn't...
sweet eli whitney's nose!|It wasn't you, was it?
It was wes mantooth.
- Oh, i should have known.|- No, no.
- No, i did it.|- You bitch!
- Shh!|- (bellowing)
You woke the bears.|Why did you do that?
There's somebody|in the bear pit!
It took|my impending death
for me to realize|how much i need you.
Oh, ron.
Those bears|are gonna hurt them!
News team, let's hunt.
News team!
All:|Bear fight!
Come on.|Come on!
Hit 'em in the uvula!
Hey, ron!
I'm riding a furry tractor!
The bears have descended|on the news team
and it's not going well.
Clearly, after today,|i will no longer...
come on!|Oh, god!
It's getting to be|ri-goddamn-diculous!
Oh, no.
We woke up the mama.
Oh, god!
I don't wanna die.
- Ron: Baxter!|- (barking)
(onlookers gasping)
Veronica:|Look! They're following their mother!
Ron:|It's instinct.
Oh, baxter!
Oh! Oh, baxter,|you're still alive!
Oh, i'm so happy!
I'm so happy!|You are alive!
I'm so happy!
I will lick you!
I will lick you in front|of everyone to show my joy.
Oh. Ohhh!
Boy, he really|likes that dog.
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Hi, ron.
It's always a long fall|from the top, isn't it?
Easy, wes.
I've been waiting|to say this to you for a long time.
- All right.|- Deep down in my stomach,
with every inch of me,
i pure, straight
hate you!
(onlookers gasp)
But, god damn it,|do i respect you!
(onlookers sigh)
Thank you,
Today we spell redemption
Woman:|Ron, you're my hero!
Ron, i think you've got|a story to report.
Are you sure, ed?
Do it.
It's the story|you were born to tell.
San diego's waiting.|Go get 'em.
Make way!
Ron burgundy's about|to report on pandas!
Count me down.|Three.
Scotty:|You're live, mr. Burgundy.
This is ron burgundy,
proudly reporting once again|for channel 4 news.
Today's story is one|of the more remarkable things
ever to happen|to san diago
or even the world.
But in order|to properly retell it,
i'm going to need|some help
from my co-anchor,
miss veronica corningstone.
(onlookers cheering)
- High-pressure system...|- no, no, no, no, brick.
- High-pressure system...|- go stand over there.
(cheering, applause)
Oh, ron.
Ron, there are literally|thousands of men
that i should|be with instead,
but i am 72 % sure|that i love you.
Narrator: Yes, redemption|was sweet for ron burgundy.
- As for the news team:|- Stop it! Ron!
Champ kind went on to become|a commentator for the nfl,
but was later fired|after being accused
of sexual harassment|by terry bradshaw.
Excuse me.
Is that sex panther|you're wearing?
Brian fantana went on|to have great success
as the host of the hit|reality tv show
"intercourse island"|on the fox network.
Anyone seen brick?
- Brick?|- Don't! That tickles!
No, that tickles me!|Come on!
Brick tamland|is married with 11 children
and is one of the top|political advisors
to the bush white house.
I'm gonna get you!|I'm gonna get you!
(cheering continues)
And ron and veronica|didn't stay in san diego long.
I chose them|as my replacement,
and they became the first|mixed-gender network news team,
and they're still|doing it today.
From all of us here|at the world news center,
i'm veronica corningstone.
And i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy, planet earth.
Carry on, my wayward son
there'll be peace|when you are done
lay your weary head|to rest
don't you cry no more...
oh!|Great odin's raven!
Oh!|By the hammer of thor!
Oh!|Saint damien's beard!
Sweet grandmother's spatula!
Oh! Hot pot of coffee!
Uncle jonathan's|corncob pipe!
I'm gonna shoot you with a bb gun|when you're not looking.
In the back of the head.
- I'm sorry.|- (crew laughing)
You're not very bright.|You know that, right?
You're actually|quite a dullard.
Everyone here knows it.
If i'm a dullard,|you're the, uh, the dull...
oh! Can't think of|anything to say, can you?
Yes, i can. I can think|of a lot of things to say.
Like, you're a dirty bitch.
Well, ron, i'm gonna|put poison...
(laughs)|Oh, my god!
(crew laughing)
I drank a lava lamp.|It wasn't lava.
I ate a whole bunch|of fiberglass insulation.
It wasn't cotton candy|like that guy said.
My stomach's itchy.
I pooped a hammer.
I pooped|a tape recorder.
I pooped|a cornish game hen.
You do not take|a tone with me,
'cause i will give you a rap right|on the jack johnson!
- Okay.|- Yes.
Now this|is happenin'.
What are|you doing?
- Hah!|- What are you doing?
What are you...
We'll go back to doing|what i do best...
i guess we'll go back to doing|what i do best, show off.
When do we|get started?
When do we get started?
- That's my line.|- When do we get started?
You say,|"whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.|- (laughs)
Keep it rollin'.|This is good stuff. area bank|in a daring...
probably not the same one.|Probably not the same guy.
Ron:|Brick, before i let you go,
are you still having your celebrity|golf tournament this summer?
No, too many people|died last year.
So we're not gonna do...|(laughs)
Sorry. Sorry.
They named it|san diego.
Which in german means,|"a whale's vagina."
This is the most|ridiculous thing ever.
Carry on, my wayward son
there'll be peace|when you are done
lay your weary head|to rest
don't you cry
don't you cry no more
(all laughing)
Way to handle him.|That was nice.
It sure is good|to be number one.
It sure beats the hell|out of number two.
We are laughing!
And we are|very good friends.
Good buddies sharing|a special moment.
Don't say anything, ron.|Just let it happen.
We're laughing,|enjoying our friendship.
And someday we'll look back|on this with much fondness.
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