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23.976 Narrator: There was a time,|a time before cable, when the local anchorman|reigned supreme, when people believed|everything they heard on tv. This was an age when only men|were allowed to read the news. And in san diego, one anchorman|was more man than the rest. His name was ron burgundy. He was like a god|walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could|make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine they made sinatra|look like a hobo. In other words,|ron burgundy was the balls. Mmm. I look good. I mean, really good. Hey, everyone!|Come and see how good i look! (vocalizing) Mm, ehh, mm. Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.|That's why i'm doing this. How now brown cow.|How now brown cow. How now brown cow. How are you?|You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear|a bra next time. No, i was talking to you.|No, not her. I don't know her name.|What is it? Lanolin? La-lanolin?|Like sheep's wool? Unique new york. Unique new york. Mm, i love scotch. I love scotch.|Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly.|Mm-mm-mm. The arsonist|has oddly shaped feet. How much time?|30? 30 seconds? - Man: You are on.|- I'm on right now? I don't believe you. - Doo doo doo.|- Ron! Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell.|I got bags under my eyes. What's that?|If you were a man, i'd punch you right|in the mouth. That's bush.|Bush league. The human torch was denied|a bank loan. You hear me?|Audrey, look at me! I'm sorry. All right?|I'm sorry. Ha ha!|Ha ha ha ho! Ha ha ho. Ha oh! (ron yelling) All right, we're on. Ready, phil. We're on in five, four... narrator:|When the clock struck 6:00, it meant one thing|for ron burgundy and his news team:|Go time. Announcer:|Channel 4 news, announcer:|Channel 4 news, with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor ron burgundy. Champ kind, sports. Ooh! Hoo-hoo! Brick tamland, weather. And your reporter in the field,|brian fantana. It's channel 4 news|at 6:00. Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy, and this is what's happening|in your world tonight. A la jolla man clings to life|at a university hospital after being viciously attacked|by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool. Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!|Ron burgundy's on! Authorities are still|uncertain as to why the man - was loitering...|- ron burgundy. Oh, my gosh!|She said her first words! Right now it's 82°|in our fair city, and compare that to 48°|in the upper northwest and 38°|in the middle east. Off the coast|of tampa bay yesterday, one lucky cameraman|happened to catch an unusual|aquatic daredevil. What you're about to see|is a channel 4 news exclusive. His name is|nutty the squirrel, and he's three years old. How 'bout that?|(laughing) That squirrel|can water-ski. - Man, that's hilarious.|- Yeah, that's good. For all of us here|at news center 4, i'm ron burgundy. You stay classy,|san diego. All:|You stay classy, san diego. Listen up.|The ratings just came in for last month. We are number one.|We just grabbed every key demographic. - Super-duper, gang!|- Yeah! Yeah! Super-duper!|That's nice! Way to go!|Neat-o, gang. - Brian: Yes!|- Ron: Boy, ed. That is good news.|I gotta be honest. - Congrats, congrats.|- That is good news! - Brian: All right!|- Stick around. Make sure these guys|don't party too much. - They don't really ever listen to me.|- Just get it done. Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention? Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention? I've just been handed|an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you|to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball! (cheering) Narrator:|Yes, these fellas were a real news team. Burgundy, of course,|was the foundation, the rock. But each member brought their own|special something to the equation. People call me|the bri-man. I'm the stylish one|of the group. I know what|you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes,|i have a nickname for my penis. It's called the octagon. But i also nicknamed|my testes. My left one|is james westfall, and my right one is|dr. Kenneth noisewater. You ladies play your cards right,|you might get to meet the whole gang. Bang, boom, they were|showing lasers every friday night. Champ here.|I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple|of cocktails in me, start a fire|in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to seaworld,|take my pants off. Anyway, i've become|kind of famous for my signature catchphrase,|"whammy!" As in, "gene tenace|at the plate... and whammy!" Whammy! (sniffs) I'm brick tamland. People seem to like me|because i am polite and i'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and i really enjoy|a nice pair of slacks. Years later,|a doctor will tell me that i have an iq of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded." Ron: Hello! - Whoo! Marco!|- Polo! - Brian.|- You having a good time? - I'm having a great time.|- That makes two of us. You've gotta meet this girl. She used to be a charger cheerleader,|but she broke her pelvis. Sherri,|meet ron burgundy. - Hey, ron.|- Hello. - I've got a big story for you.|- Mm-hmm. And it's right here. Well, hello. You pointed to your boobies. Oh, my god, you did! - Ron burgundy?|- Yes? I have had a crush on you|since i was a little girl. Let's go somewhere. I'm telling you, it don't|get no better than this. We've been coming|to the same party for 12 years, and in no way|is that depressing. Ahh. Gonna make|our own lightning yeah, she got the way|to move me, cherry she got the way|to groove me cherry, baby she got the way|to move me she got the way|to groove me... by the beard of zeus! Excuse me. Ron, where you going?|What, are you crazy? Ron! If you're coming down the baseline,|you gotta take home plate from me! So there i go,|head first, boom! I've lost her. Ohh. Hello. Hello. Hope i'm not disturbing|you, but, uh, i saw you from across|the party, and, uh, i don't usually do this, but i felt|compelled to tell you something. You have... an absolutely|breathtaking... heinie. I mean, that thing is good. I want to be friends with it. Well, you certainly know|how to compliment a woman. Now, if you'll excuse me. Do you know who i am? No, i can't say that i do. I don't know how to put this, but i'm kind of a big deal. Really? People know me. I've very happy for you. I'm very important. I have... many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. L... i'm friends|with merlin olsen, too. He comes over on occasion. That's stupid. No, no, that's...|very exciting. Listen, can l... can i start over again? Sure. I wanna say something.|I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it,|you can take it. If you don't,|send it right back. Mm-hmm. I wanna be on you. Wait. Wait, wait,|wait, wait, wait. L... i wanna be on you. (humming) Yoo-hoo!|(clears throat) Baxter! Papa's home. There he is.|There's my little man. - You're okay?|- (barking) Of course i met|a lady tonight. (growls) This one was different.|I have to be honest. Quite different. - (barking)|- What... i'm lonely?|I'm not lonely! I'm beloved by everyone|in san diego. Wow. You know how to cut|to the core of me, baxter. - (growls)|- You're so wise. You're like|a miniature buddha covered in hair. - (barks)|- Come again? (barking) You know i don't speak spanish.|In english, please. - (barks)|- Huh? - (growling)|- You pooped in the refrigerator? - (sneezes)|- And you ate a whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad.|That's amazing. (laughing)|I forgive you. What do you say we get you|in your pj's and hit the hay? Bedtime. Okay, come on.|Let's go. Come on. (snoring) Oh, that was one|crazy party. I am hung over. Tell me about it. I woke up this morning and i shit a squirrel. I mean it.|Literally. Hell of it is,|damn thing's still alive. So i got this|shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it. I'm sorry, champ. I think i ate|your chocolate squirrel. All right, guys.|Let's focus up. Morning, everyone. Here are the stories|we're going to be chasing today. It looks like ling wong, the rare panda|at the san diego zoo, is pregnant. This is a big one. This could be the big|story of the summer. Network is gonna be wanting|plenty of coverage. And speaking of network,|word on the street is they're looking|for a new anchor. - So, ron...|- huh? Network? Are they here? A lot of you have been hearing|the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity|on the news team. What in the hell's diversity? (clears throat)|Well, i could be wrong, but i believe diversity|is an old, old wooden ship that was used|during the civil war era. I would be surprised|if the affiliates were concerned about the lack|of an old wooden ship, but nice try. Diversity means|that times are changing, and with that in mind... - ron, are you paying attention?|- Nope. - This concerns all of us.|- Okay. Keeping that in mind, i'd like|to introduce the latest addition to the kvwn news team, directly from wypn in asheville, north carolina, ms. Veronica corningstone. - Who's that lady?|- Hello. - Who's that lady...|- hello, everyone. - Oh!|- I just want you all to know that i look forward|to contributing to this news station's|already sterling reputation. I mean, come on, ed!|It's bullcrap! Don't get me wrong.|I love the ladies. They rev my engine,|but they don't belong in the newsroom! It is anchorman,|not anchorlady! - And that is a scientific fact!|- Brian: Uh-huh. I don't know|what we're yelling about! Ron, what do you think? She... sh...|it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes,|and her hair smells like cinnamon! Mm-hmm. Loud noises! All right, everyone relax.|She's not gonna take anyone's airtime. I read somewhere that|their periods attract bears. Bears can smell|the menstruation. Well, that's just great.|You hear that, ed? Bears. Now you're putting|the whole station in jeopardy. I will say|one thing for her, ed, she does have a nice,|big old behind. I'd like to put some|barbecue sauce on that butt and just bite, bite, bite, bite,|munch, munch, munch! - Ah-whoo!|- Stop it! Oh, jeez. (barking, howling) Look at the full-moon butt!|(yapping) Champ! Champ!|Champ, champ! Mr. Harken, i was just wondering if you knew when my office|would be ready. Well, that might|take some time. For now, why don't you just|grab a desk in the bullpen? You can use my office! Then afterwards|maybe we can go to lunch! Lower your voice, ron. Mm-hmm! All right.|Thank you, mr. Harken. I'll go get|my desk set up. (neck cracking) Oh, she is a saucy mama!|I mean, i would... (champ continues,|indistinct) (veronica sighs)|Here we go again. Every station|it's the same. Women ask me|how i put up with it. Well, the truth is,|i don't really have a choice. This is definitely|a man's world. But while they're laughing|and grab-assing, i'm chasing down leads and practicing|my nonregional diction. Because the only way to win|is to be the best. The very best. Ron:|Touchy situation. I think the best thing|to do with this corningstone, to keep her in line,|is bed her quick. Oh, that behind|is driving me loco! I'm like a night wolf.|(howling) Guys, take it easy.|Just take it easy! - She's got feelings, too.|- Oh, my god! Listen to burgundy. He's gone soft on us,|like some schoolboy bitch. You sound like a gay. (laughing) Hey! Come on! It's me, papa burgundy,|all right? As far as i'm concerned,|corningstone's fair game. Huh?|Let the games begin! Hi-ohhh! There he is.|There he is. I'm very aroused. (champ laughing)|What's this? Well, well, well. Ron burgundy and the channel 4|news team. Hello, wes mantooth. Hello,|evening news team. Nice clothes, gentlemen. I didn't know the salvation army|was having a sale. (laughs) Am i right?|Look at these guys. Hey, where did you|get those clothes? At the toilet store? What are you doing|on our station's turf, burgundy? You're about to get|a serious beat-down. I will smash your face|into a car windshield and then take your mother,|dorothy mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner|and never call her again! Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|You understand me? - Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|- Ron: Hey. Leave the mothers|out of this, all right? It's unnecessary. Besides, i'm sure wes here is just upset over finishing|second in the ratings again. Ooh! That's completely|uncalled for, burgundy. You know those|rating systems are flawed. They don't take into account|houses that have more than two television sets|and other things of that nature. I guess i have to take you|at your word, number two. (laughing) You have|a great day, fellas. We'll see you around the bend. Son of a bitch! Brian:|Excusez-moi, numero two. Hey, burgundy. You know those sample audiences|aren't big enough! Stop hiding behind those phony numbers,|burgundy! I'm coming after you! I hate you, ron burgundy.|I hate you! You can't say one word? Even the guy who can't|think says something! You guys just stand|there? Come on! Right, but i think my son|is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold|of german pornography. But you and i|are mature adults. We've both seen our share|of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't,|how stupid of me. Neither have i. I was just speaking|in generalities. I'll stop by the school|a little later, sister margaret. Bye. Ed, she insisted|on coming in. Mr. Harken, sir, i will not have my first story|at this news station be about a cat fashion show. Miss corningstone, ma'am, you will do the stories|to which you are assigned. Mr. Harken, i am|a damn good journalist, and this cat show thing|is grade-a baloney. It is not baloney.|Now, go do your job, missy! It is baloney! Hey, ron, i'm gonna take a run|at the new girl. Let the games begin.|(howls) Oh, champ, champ,|we're not really gonna actually do that. - We were just flapping our gums.|- Oh, yeah. You kill me, burgundy. Let me just grab this.|Oh, sorry about that. - Whammy.|- Hmm. - Uh, champ?|- Yeah. You're trying to touch|my breasts, aren't you? What can i say?|I like the way you're put together. What do you say|we go out on a date? Have some chicken,|maybe some sex. You know,|see what happens? Oh, let me get this|over here. - (groans)|- Sorry. Oh, there it is. I'll give this|little cookie an hour before we're doing|the no-pants dance. - (chuckles)|- Time to musk up. Ron: Wow. It never ceases to amaze me. What cologne|you gonna go with? London gentleman, or... wait. No, no, no.|Hold on. Blackbeard's delight. No, she gets|a special cologne. It's called sex panther|by odeon. - (snarling)|- It's illegal in nine countries. Yep, it's made with bits|of real panther. - So you know it's good.|- It's quite pungent. Oh yeah. It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. - In a good way.|- Yep. I'll be honest with you.|That smells like pure gasoline. They've done studies,|you know. 60 % of the time,|it works every time. That doesn't make sense. Well... let's go see if we can|make this little kitty purr. (snarls) Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite|i'd like to extend your way. My god. (sniffs)|What is that smell? - (man coughs)|- Oh! That's the smell|of desire, milady. God, no, it smells like... like a used diaper|filled with indian food. Oh!|Excuse me. Desire smells like that|to some people. What is that? Smells like a turd|covered in burnt hair! - (groaning)|- (retching) - (woman shrieks)|- (man yelling) It smells like|bigfoot's dick! - (woman screams)|- Oh. Man:|Oh, hell, that's rank! (fire alarm ringing) Oh, what's that smell? This is worse than the time|the raccoon got in the copier. Yeah. It's very distracting. - When we get to the pet shop...|- cough! Look over here. Excuse me, veronica. Yes, what is it, brick? I would like|to extend to you an invitation|to the pants party. Excuse me? The party.|The pants... with the pants.|Party with pants? Brick, are you saying that there's a party in|your pants and i'm invited? That's it. Hmm. Did brian tell you|to say this, brick? No...|yes, he did. Okay. No, i don't want to go|to a party in your pants. Very well.|Lan? Would you like to go|to a party in my pants? No, brick. All right. Let's go! - All right, now...|- (loud crash) I'm telling you,|she is a real ball-buster. A real ice queen. Mm. I just|burned my tongue. The only way|to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets|to the gun show... and see if she likes|the goods. (ron grunts) 1,001. 1,002.|(grunts) - Uh, mr. Burgundy?|- 1,003. Helen said that you|needed to see me? Oh, miss corningstone. (grunts)|I wasn't expecting company. (grunting) Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back. - You asked me to come by, sir.|- Oh, did i? Yes. (grunting) Oh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep.|(grunts) I can barely lift my right|arm 'cause i did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting.|I did over 1,000. You have your ubulus muscle that connects|to the upper dorsinus. It's boring,|but it's part of my life. I'm just gonna grab this shirt,|if you don't mind. Just watch out for the guns.|They'll get you. You are pathetic. This has to be|the feeblest pickup attempt|that i have ever encountered. I expected it from the rest of them,|mr. Burgundy, but not from you. Wait a minute!|L... pickup attempt? I'm offended. I have little time|to get to the gym, so i have to sculpt|my guns at the office. Oh, stop calling|your arms "guns." Look. My plan was to ask you if i could squire you|about town as one professional|helping another professional, because i know what it's like|to be lonely in a new city. - Really?|- Yes. But now i am too hurt. And shocked and offended and... and hurt. I could do that. Really? Well, yes. As a journalist,|i should get to know the city|that i'm covering. - But this is not a date.|- No, of course not. - Strictly professional.|- Wonderful. - Hmm.|- Great. Shall i pick you up 8:00? Mm, 9:00. (clears throat) Downstairs? Mr. Burgundy, you have|a massive erection. Really?|(laughs) Yes, i do.|Um... i'm sorry, it's the... - it's the pleats.|- Mm. It's actually|an optical illusion. It's the pattern|on the pants. It's not flattering|in the crotchal region. I'm actually|taking them back right now. Taking them back|to the pants store. Oh, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk... i'm gonna walk|this situation off and i will see you later.|Nothing to look at. Go back to work, everyone. Don't act like|you're not impressed. Don't look at me right now. I'm walking around the office. My new walk. I have a situation right now|i'm trying to walk off. Frame up two. - Let's go to brian fantana live...|- gimme a tighter one on two. ...with a channel 4|news exclusive. Brian? Panda watch.|The mood is tense. I have been on some|serious, serious reports, but nothing like this. L... l... ching...|king is inside now. I tried to get an interview,|but they said, "you can't. He's a live bear. He will|literally rip your face off." Hey! You're making me|look stupid! Get out here!|Panda jerk! Great story.|Compelling and rich. (theme music plays) That's gonna do it for all|of us at channel 4 news. You stay classy,|san diego. I'm ron burgundy? Damn it! Who typed a question mark|on the teleprompter? For the last time, anything|you put on that prompter, burgundy will read. Oh, god,|this is a mistake. This is a mistake. He's very cute. Very cute.|No, he's not. He's hairy. There she is!|Veronica! My little china doll. I am full of it tonight. Oh, silly. Hi. You look ravishing. It truly is beauty|and the beast. (chuckles) I might add|a handsome beast at that. Are you ready|for our rendezvous? It's not a date. No, strictly professional. Doesn't mean|we can't have fun. - Shall we?|- Yes. San diego. Mm! Drink it in. It always|goes down smooth. (both chuckle) What a beautiful view,|mr. Burgundy. I know. I love this city.|It's a... it's a fact. It's the greatest city|in the history of mankind. (laughs) Discovered by the germans|in 1904. They named it san diago, which of course in german|means a whale's vagina. N... no, there's|no way that's correct. I'm sorry.|I was trying to impress you. Oh. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest. I don't think anyone|knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that|the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. Doesn't it mean|saint diego? No. No. No, that's...|that's what it means. Really. Well, agree to disagree. May i take your order? Yes, i am going to have|three fingers of glenlivet with a little bit of pepper,|and, uh, some cheese. Very good. A manhattan,|and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair|of steel-toed boots. - Certainly.|- Thank you, scott. Thank you. Wow.|Quite a drink order. Oh, well, when in rome.|(chuckles) Yes? Please, go on. Uh, do as the romans do? It's an old expression. Oh! I've never heard of it. - Oh.|- It's wonderful, though. (chuckling)|Mr. Burgundy. - Tino! How are you?|- So good to see you. You're looking fantastic. Tino, veronica. Veronica.|What a pretty girlfriend. - Drinks are on tino tonight.|- No, no, no. We're work associates.|I work at the station. - I'm a journalist.|- Oh, okay. This is a good guy. Tino's the finest|club owner in the city. - My best friend, right?|- Yes. Yes, we have a saying|in my country about people like him. "The coyote of the desert always likes to eat|the heart of the young, where the blood drips down to children|for breakfast, lunch and dinner, - only the ribs will be broken in two."|- Tino. Okay. Well, mr. Burgundy,|we will be honored if you will play|"yazz" flute for us. - I can't.|- Please. - (sighs)|- You play jazz flute? - I dabble.|- Oh. Would everyone love to hear|ron burgundy play "yazz" flute? - Man: Get it goin', ronnie!|- Tino: Yes! Please. You, on stage now. Okay, i guess i can play|a little ditty. - Honestly, i'm...|- come on. - Give him a hand.|- I'm not prepared. Not at all. - Yeah!|- This is a surprise, i'll tell you. (chuckles) Guys, "east harlem|shakedown," e flat? Keep the cymbals splashy, and, jay, let's take|the bass line for a walk. (sputtering)|Hold on. I'm not hearing it right.|Hold on. (playing) We got it now.|It's all right. Woman:|Fire up, ronnie! Little "ham and eggs" comin' at you.|Hope you got your griddles. (grunts) (grunts) That's baby-makin' music,|that's what that is. - Let's go!|- (microphone feedback) (gasps) (plays "aqualung" riff) Hey, aqualung! (cheering) Thank you. Thank you! (laughing) You were amazing. Mm. Thank you. Where did you learn|to play like that? Well, jazz flute has always been a small|passion of mine. So what other passions|do you have, mr. Burgundy? Well, i have one|great passion that... that lives deep|within my loins, like a... like a flaming golden hawk: To one day|become a network anchor. Well, believe it or not, we share the same dream. I too want to be|an network anchor. God, you are so beautiful. - (upholstery squeaks)|- (veronica pants) We really|should be going. I swore that i would never|get involved with a coworker. Wait. What if, just for tonight,|we weren't coworkers? We were co-people? - I don't...|- shh. You be a woman. I'll be a man. That's all. Oh. You continue to surprise|me, mr. Burgundy. (moaning) Oh, i'm storming your castle|on my steed, milady. (moaning) (both moaning) Oh, mi corazón|es en fuego! Julio, fuego,|fuego, fuego! Wait, stop.|Stop talking like that. - I can't understand you.|- Sorry. (barks) Take me to pleasure town! - Oh, we're going there!|- Oh! Love is like candy|on a shelf you want to taste|and help yourself... i friggin' love you! I friggin' love you back! Help yourself,|take a few that's what|i want you to do... look! The most glorious|rainbow ever! Oh, do me on it! Just say the word|and they are yours... - (horses whinny)|- Whee! In my heart your smile|has opened up the door the greatest wealth|that exists in the world. Mmm. Well done, sir. (both sigh) Tip of the cap to you as well,|miss corningstone. (snickers) (growls) I'm having very strong feelings|for you, mr. Burgundy. Mm. But it's very important to me|that i be viewed as a professional. - Right.|- Hmm. When in rome. Yeah. That, uh, expression doesn't really apply|to what i'm talking about. - Oh, i'm...|- what i was saying. I still don't quite|understand what it means. Oh, no.|You'll find it. (both chuckle) No, i was saying that, if we continue|seeing each other, that we should keep it|relatively quiet around the station. Absolutely, my wild love tigress. (both growl) Tasteful discretion|is the name of the game. Mm-hmm. Veronica corningstone|and i had sex, and now we are in love! Did i say that loud? Yeah, you pretty much|yelled it. Well, i can't help it. It's fantastic! - What's it like, ron?|- The intimate times? Outta sight, my man! No. The other thing. Love. Yeah.|What is that? Well, it's tough to explain. - I think i was in love once.|- Really, what was her name? I don't remember. That's not a good start,|but keep going. She was brazilian. Or chinese,|or something weird. I met her in the bathroom|of a k-mart, and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways,|never to see each other again. I'm pretty sure|that's not love. Damn it! I love... carpet. I love desk. Are you just looking at things|in the office and saying you love them? I love lamp. Do you really love the lamp,|or are you saying it because you saw it? I love lamp!|I love lamp. You really want to know|what love is? - Yeah.|- Yes, tell us. More than anything|in the world. Well, it's really|quite simple. It's kind of like... gonna find my baby,|gonna hold her tight gonna grab|some afternoon delight my motto's always been|"when it's right, it's right" why wait until the middle|of a cold, dark night when everything's a little|clearer in the light of day and we know the night is always gonna|be there anyway? Thinkin' of you's|working up my appetite lookin' forward|to a little afternoon delight rubbin' sticks and stones together|make the sparks ignite and the thought of lovin' you|is getting so exciting sky rockets in flight - boo!|- Afternoon delight... - whoop!|- You guys have it, i think. Afternoon delight. I don't know, ron.|That sounds kinda crazy. Sounds like you have|mental problems, man. - Yeah, you got mental problems, man.|- Yeah, he really does. Man. Afternoon delight. - Wanna make a phone call.|- Freshen this up. Oh, look out.|Next up, it's whiskerus maximus. He's ready to do battle|in the arena against the tiniest lion|you've ever imagined. (laughing) I'm getting some great stuff,|miss corningstone. Shut up. Oh, i hate cats. Let's just do my sign-off|and get outta here. It was quite a show|down here at the pet shack. Just for today, fashion curiosity|did not kill the cat. I'm veronica corningstone|for channel 4 news. That was our newest reporter,|veronica corningstone. She's really great. I'd also like to share with you|that we are currently dating and that she is quite|a handful in the bedroom. - (theme music plays)|- Uh... that's gonna do it|for all of us here at 6:00. For the channel 4 news team,|i'm ron burgundy. You stay classy,|san diego. Man: All clear. Ron: Uh-oh. I might be in trouble|on that one. I can't believe that you said|that we were dating on the air. Mmm! Mmm.|That is good fondue. Don't you get it, ron?|I wanna be an anchor. That is never gonna happen|if everyone in san diego thinks that i'm|your bimbo gal pal. I don't know what to say. I just...|i got excited. I just wanted to shout it|from on top of a mountain. But i didn't have a mountain.|I had a newsroom and a camera. (sighs)|Look. I report the news.|That's what i do. And today's top story,|in ron burgundy's world, read something like this: I love veronica corningstone. Oh, ron. Ron:|This is nice, gang, sittin' here. - Brian: Oh, yeah.|- Ron: Brown baggin' it. The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow|morning at 9:00 instead of 8:00. Oh! Almost forgot. I won't be able|to make it, fellas. Veronica and i are trying|this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging.|It might be a soft "j." I'm not sure,|but apparently you just run for an extended period|of time. - It's supposed to be wild.|- So ron's not coming? No, ron's coming. It's the pancake breakfast.|We do it every month. I realize that. Sometimes you gotta look yourself|in the mirror and say, "when in rome." The bottom line is, you've been spending|a lot of time with this lady. You're a member of|the channel 4 news team. - That's a given.|- We need you. Hell, i need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you|so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you.|I miss your laugh. (anguished laugh) (chuckles) I miss...|i miss your scent. (sniffing)|I miss your musk. - (clears throat)|- When this all gets sorted out, i think you and me should|get an apartment together. Just take it easy, champ. Why don't you stop talking|for a while? Maybe sit the next|couple of plays out. You know what i mean? Yeah, i'm gonna quit|sayin' things when they crop up|in the ol' skull, huh? See what it's like|when you're not here? You're our leader.|Look what you're doing to the group. Champ's been a mess.|Brick can't sleep at night. - (chuckles)|- Here's the thing, i don't trust this chick. We need you around,|and she is just using you. Everyone, just relax.|All right? Believe me, if there's one thing|ron burgundy knows, it's women. Okay, and veronica corningstone,|she's just... she's just dying|to quit her job so that she can take care|of me and have babies. (door opening, closing) Hey, gang. Papa's home. Oh, honey. I am so glad you're home. My alabaster doll. Gentlemen. You look great. No eye contact! (laughs) Oh, darling. I've spent all day|cleaning your emmys and preparing dinner|in the nude. Oh, let's make whoopie. And then i'm going to go drinking|with the news team for two days. Wonderful.|Wonderful! Ow! Bite it!|Bite it! - Oh, yes!|- Oh, yeah! You are a bad boy. I'm bad. I need to go|to the principal's office. I love my life. I don't know, ron. Guess what.|I do. I know that one day, veronica|and i are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going|to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance|till the sun rises. And then our children|will form a family band. And we will tour|the countryside, and you won't be invited! I'm telling you, this lady has really|crawled into ron's head. (wheezing laugh) Good.|Good one! Oh, okay.|I understand. You have a nice day,|sir. Bye. Um, i could come back|later, mr. Harken. No, no, no. It's just parent stuff. It seems that our youngest,|chris, was on something called acid and was firing|a bow and arrow into a crowd. - Mm.|- You know how kids are. Oh. Right. Anyhoo, what can|i do you for? Well, mr. Harken, i feel like i have proven|myself as a journalist and that i deserve|the opportunity to take on more|challenging stories. Well, ask|and you shall receive. Ah, yes, this just|came across my desk. Here is a story|of a 103-year-old woman who claims to have a recipe|for the world's greatest meat loaf. Ooh, now that's|a hot lead. Narrator:|It was very hard for veronica. But she was a pro|and hung tough. But soon, with a simple act|of littering, everyone's life|would change forever. Ron:|La la la la la. (humming) (humming) Oh, baxter, you are|my little gentleman i'll take you|to foggy london town because you are what? My little gentleman. This burrito is delicious,|but it is filling. - (tires screeching)|- Ron: Whoa! Antony and cleopatra! (groaning) (groaning continues) Goddamn son of... what the hell, bro'? Hello, neighbor. Did you just throw a burrito|out your window? I believe i did. Are you high or something?|Did you see what happened? I did. That was a terrific spill.|That's quite a raspberry. That's my chopper|you just thrashed, broseph. Easy, compadre. I'm your|friend out here, all right? I want you to fix my chopper|before i stomp your goofy ass! If you want|to throw down, fine. I've got jack johnson|and tom o'leary waiting for you. You destroyed|the only thing i love. All right? There it is.|What do you love? I love poetry. And a glass of scotch. And, of course,|my friend baxter here. Well, guess what.|Now this is happenin'. Excuse me. Excuse me.|What are you doing? - (splashes)|- That's how i roll. Baxter!|(gasps) No...! - Where the hell is he?|- He'll be here. - I thought he was mr. Dependable.|- It's not like ron. I'd put brick on, but unless he's|tracking a storm front, he's useless. - Excuse me, gentlemen.|- Oh. Hello. Just want you to know if ron does not|show up, i am ready to go on. You and i have had this discussion|a million times. There's never been|a woman anchor. Mr. Harken, - this city needs its news.|- Oh. You're gonna deprive them|of that because i have breasts? Exquisite breasts? I am gonna go on,|and if you want to stop me, bring it on. Because i am good|at three things: Fighting, screwing|and reading the news. I've already done one of those today,|so what's the other one gonna be? Uh... screwing? (grunts) I will be in makeup. Jesus, she's terrifying! - Fantana.|- (wailing) Ron, are you okay? The man punted baxter! - (wailing)|- Calm down. Breathe, ron,|breathe. The man that loved|the motorcycle! What did the bad man do? The motorcycle on the bridge!|I hit him with a burrito! - Ron!|- He took him! He took him with his foot|and he kicked him! That's what he did! Someone punted him? No, wait. Wait.|Let me say something. Let me say something.|(wailing) - What?|- (wailing) L... i don't... i didn't|understand one word you said. Ron, are you okay?|Ron? (wailing) Ron.|Where are you? I'm in a glass case|of emotion! He's gonna put|corningstone on. He's gonna|put corningstone on! I've got to do the news! (ed snickers) (clears throat) You're not ron. We're on in 10.|Good luck, lady. Ready the announce. (clears throat) - Power.|- Roll in. Power.|Power. One slip, and you're gone.|Whammy. Announcer:|And your reporter in the field, brian fantana. It's channel 4 news|at 6:00. (clears throat) Good evening.|Ron burgundy is off tonight. I'm veronica corningstone. Tonight's top story: - Okay, we're off and running.|- Three armed men wearing ski masks made off with over|$20,000 from an area bank in a daring|early morning robbery. Hey! And the winner of the frog-leaping|contest was hoppy, with a jump|of seven feet, 10 inches. Hmm. I used to date a guy named hoppy down|in alabama. He was quite a jumper, too. (laughing) That will do it|for us at 6:00. From all of us here|at channel 4 news, i'm veronica corningstone, and thanks|for stopping by, san diego. - (applause)|- All clear! Yes! Yes! Lady! Lady! Not bad, miss corningstone.|Not bad at all. Thank you, mr. Harken.|That felt good. - That felt really good.|- I liked your sign-off line, too. You did? It just came through me.|It was so organic. Veronica:|Thank you. (grunting) Oh, ron! Ron!|Ron, darling! I'm so glad you're|all right. Oh, god. I have something|magnificent to tell you. I'm here.|We can do the news now. It's all right, everyone!|We can do the news. Hold on. Why are we all standing around?|Let's go! Ron, we did it.|Veronica filled in for you. What? Sweetheart, we were|so worried about you, and we waited as long|as we could, but... darling, i did the news,|and i nailed it. I nailed it. Wait, wait! Veronica, please,|tell me this is some kind of sick, tasteless joke. You weren't here.|Why are you being this way? Why can't you|be proud of me as a peer and as|my gentleman lover? Oh, jeez. I can't believe|you did this to me! You read my news! I told you that i wanted|to be an anchor. I told you that. I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down|in my diary! "Veronica had|a very funny joke today." I laughed at it|later that night! I can't believe|that i cared for you. Get out! Just go! We are through!|Through! Because of your actions,|you scorpion woman! You have broken my heart,|mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart. Narrator:|From there on out, things just got worse|for ron burgundy. Corningstone was a star, and everything started|to move awfully fast - after her big break.|- Where's lan? Lan! Ed:|All right, i got a call from network. It looks like|our broadcast last night received a two-point|ratings boost, and the decision|has been passed down to make veronica|our co-anchor. - What?|- No. No! No! - No!|- No! - No!|- This is wonderful. Ed, come here,|you big silly man. You big silly man. - We did it.|- What is this, amateur hour? - That's great.|- Thank you. - Sunshine, go away today...|- damn it! I don't feel much like dancing some man's gone,|he's trying to run my life don't know what he's asking when he tells me|i better get in line i can't hear|what he's sayin' when i grow up|i'm gonna make it mine these ain't dues... what brian didn't tell you was that those|were not real pirates. - They looked convincing, though.|- Oh, yes. Well, for all of us here|at channel 4 news, i'm ron burgundy. You stay classy,|san diego. And thanks|for stopping by. But mainly stay classy. - Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy, i'm ron burgundy. - Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy. - Ron burgundy.|- (clears throat) You are a real hooker,|and i'm gonna slap you in public. (chuckles) You have way|too much pubic hair. Actually, that's a point of pride. I'm very proud of my mane|of pubic hair, so thank you. You have man boobs.|(chuckling) You've got a dirty,|whorish mouth. I'm gonna punch you|in the ovary. - A straight shot.|- Ooh, ow. Right to the baby-maker. Ah, jazz flute|is for little fairy boys. Okay, you know what?|That's uncalled for. I can't work with this woman.|It's terrible. - (phone ringing)|- It's ringing. Veronica corningstone. Hello, veronica,|this is mike rithjin from the network.|You've just been promoted. You're gonna need to move|to moscow. Start cleaning up your desk. See you in the morning.|We'll pick you up in a van. What did you say|your name was? Mike ritnitjun.|It's not important. Start cleaning your desk, and we'll pick you up|in the morning. Tell her she might|want to get a coat. Hold on. Veronica?|What was it? Champ:|Tell her to get a coat. Also, i don't know if you know moscow.|It's pretty cold. You might want|to buy a coat. Are you and champ|having a good time, ron? Are we what? I can see you, ron. What? I can see you. Okay. Bye-bye. - What happened?|- She knew it was me. Announcer:|You're watching channel 4 news with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor ron burgundy|and tits mcgee. Good evening, san diego.|I'm veronica corningstone. Tits mcgee is on vacation. And i'm tits...|i'm ron burgundy. (clears throat) (phone rings) - Veronica corningstone.|- This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy|report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.|You should probably get out of news. - Who is this?|- This is dr. Chim. - Dr. Chim richalds.|- Ron, is this you? - (laughing)|- I'm a professional doctor. You saw me.|You don't remember. - We... you should move.|- (champ laughing) - Get out of the business.|- This is pathetic. You're pathetic. What'd she say? She... i don't...|i think she bought it. Champ:|She's looking this way. - Oh, uh-oh. Whoa!|- Here she comes. Ron: I'll tell you what,|it's just not working. She's making us look like|a bunch of fools. - Ellen, where's the party?|- (sighs) Children, grow up. Son of a bee sting. She's turning|the entire office against us. - This is grim. Real grim.|- What are we gonna do? There's only one thing|a man can do when he's suffering from a spiritual|and existential funk. Go to the zoo,|flip off the monkeys? No. Buy new suits. All: Yea! That girl i'm gonna make her mine|if it takes all night can you dig it?|Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes. Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes. Brick, i thought you said|this was a shortcut. Fantastic. - Is it a shortcut or not?|- Okay. Jeez. (bell jingles) Hey. Uh-oh.|Here comes trouble. (hooting, laughing) Burgundy and the ladies|went out for a stroll, huh? (wolf whistle, catcalls) You boys walkin' around|and talkin' things through? Keep a tight perimeter. Yes, sirree. Well, well, well. Ron burgundy and the channel 4|news team. Where's your mommy? You back off,|evening news team. You know,|i understand that, uh, they had to bring|a female in. Change your diapers. Wipe the dribble away|from your bubblin' lips. Rub vaseline|all over your heinie and tell you that it's special|and different from everyone else's. (laughing) He said "heinie"! Brick, get back over here! Heinie! Does she tuck you in, ronnie? Give you a little kiss|on your forehead? Tell you everything's|gonna be okay? I've had enough|of you, mantooth. This is gonna end|right here, right now. Let's dance, dickweed. You wanna dance, ronnie? I wanna polka. Come get a taste. Brick, where'd you get|a hand grenade? I don't know. All right.|Let's do this! Hey! If you're gonna have a fight, then don't forget|channel 2 news with me, lead anchor frank vitchard. You dirtbags have been|in third place for five years. Yeah? Well, you're about|to be in dead place. Not so fast, you ingrates! Public news team is taking|a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials!|No mercy! (yelling) (rattling) Cómo están, pinches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: The sewers run red|with burgundy's blood. Hyah! Hyah! (whooping) Well looks like we got|ourselves a bilingual bloodfest. Now, before we do this,|let's go over the ground rules. (snarling) Rule number one: No touching|of the hair or face. Of course. And that's it! Now let's do this! - Begin!|- (shouting) (screaming) - (screams)|- (chuckles) I'm gonna straight-up|murder your ass! - Blade!|- Here you go, mate! Ahh! God! Oh! I did not|see that coming! Oh! Aaah! - Now i'll be number one.|- No, you won't! - (sirens wailing)|- Policía! Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really|got out of hand fast. - It jumped up a notch.|- It did, didn't it? Yeah, i stabbed|a man in the heart. I saw that.|Brick killed a guy. - Did you throw a trident?|- Yeah. There were horses and a man on fire|and i killed a guy with a trident. I've been meaning|to talk to you about that. Find yourself a safe house|or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're|probably wanted for murder. I'm proud of you fellas. You kept your head|on a swivel. That's what you gotta do when|you're in a vicious cockfight. Can you believe mantooth and|the channel 9 evening news team? "Where's your mommy?|Someone's gotta change your diapers." This corningstone business|is really hurting our rep. I know exactly|what you mean, brian. Every newsman in this city's|laughing at us. - And i don't like it.|- I don't like the put-downs. We're gonna do|something about it. It is time to put|an end to this! Last time i looked, my name's ron|burgundy. What's your name? - Brian fantana.|- Champ kind. - Brian fantana.|- No, you're brick. - Brian.|- I'm brian. Veronica. Ron on tv:|And i've shown you, old man! Garth, i need to look at these tapes|for a potential lead. Ron's using the machine to play his local emmy|acceptance speech from last year. I tried to ask her|out on a date. Turn the music off!|I'm still talking! - This is ridiculous!|- I don't remember doing it. - Excuse me.|- What are you doing? I need this machine so i can|watch a tape for a story. I'm using the tape. I'm showing jeffrey|my emmy tape. We are watching history. Mr. Burgundy,|i'm a professional, and i would like|to be able to do my job. Big deal!|I am very professional! Mr. Burgundy,|you are acting like a baby. I'm not a baby, i am a man.|I am an anchorman! You are not a man.|You are a big fat joke! I'm a man|who discovered the wheel and built the eiffel tower|out of metal and brawn. That's what|kind of man i am. You're just a woman|with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us.|It's science. I will have you know|that i have more talent and more intelligence|in my little finger than you do|in your entire body, sir! You are a smelly|pirate hooker! You look like a blueberry. Why don't you go back|to your home on whore island? Well, you have bad hair. (onlookers gasp) What did you say? I said your hair looks stupid. (screaming) - Let 'em work it out!|- It's between the two of them! (screaming) They're just talking.|Just talking. - I hate you!|- I hate you more! (screaming) (veronica yells) Ow! - (screaming)|- Shut up! Shut up! All right, stop! Stop what you're doing|right now! I will not have|my newsroom be divided. Ah! Knights of columbus,|that hurts! Veronica:|I was like, "who is that guy?" (laughing) I just can't believe|what ron did to you. It is so awful. Yes. Have you ever thought|about fighting fire with fire? What do you mean? I have some information|that you can choose to use or not use. Up to you. Ron burgundy will read anything|that is put on that teleprompter. And when i say anything, i mean an-y-thing. Arnold, cue one. After the fotomat|was destroyed, the bear scampered|back into the woods. Apparently he wasn't too happy|with his color prints. - Oh.|- (chuckles) From the entire|channel 4 news team, i'm veronica corningstone. And i'm ron burgundy. Go fuck yourself,|san diego. (shrieks) - (cup clatters)|- (gasps) What in the name... no! Nobody talks about|my city that way! Ron burgundy's ass|is grass! (humming) Nice work, everyone.|Sharp broadcast. Really good.|Everyone on the floor as well. Really a lot of hustle.|I liked it. - (phone ringing)|- Dump out! Dump out! (humming)|Hello, edward. - Ron, i've got to fire you.|- I've got to fire you. Bing, bong, bong.|You're fired, ed. Do you even know|what you just said? (gasps)|Great odin's raven! Are you happy, ron? Veronica.|She put that in the teleprompter. You're probably right,|but this is bad, ron. Real bad. My hands are tied. L... i gotta fire you. Ed, let's hold on.|Let's count to 10. That's a rash decision.|Is this about something else? Ed, there's 300|very angry san diego-ites. San diego-ins.|San diego-uns. - San dieg-ons.|- San diegans. San diegans out|in front of the station. They want ron's blood. They want to hurt you. Why did you say that? Why? (sobbing)|Why, ron? Why? You're my hero, ron. Garth, l... and you come out|with stink like that poop! You poop mouth!|Get all the poop out of your mouth! If i were to give you money out|of my wallet, would that ease the pain? I hate you, ron burgundy!|I hate you! Ron? Ron! I never|wanted it to be like this. I can't believe you did this to me!|Are you happy? No, ron, i'm not!|It was supposed to be a joke. I mean, it's still kind of funny. But it's not. I have nothing left!|Nothing! I've been reduced to rubble! Don't you know i would|never say the word fuck? I would never fucking|ever fucking say that! Ever! Let's go. These people|are about to pull you apart. I'm sorry. Get your hands|off him, you bastards! Don't you know i would|never say fuck? - Fuck!|- Move. No! No! Mr. Burgundy, you should|be ashamed of yourself. - Please, l...|- you're an awful man! You are truly a disappointment|to us all, mr. Burgundy! Narrator:|Bob dylan once wrote, "the times,|they are a-changin'." Ron burgundy|had never heard that song. So when he fell, he fell hard. Announcer:|It's channel 4 news at 6:00! Good evening, san diego. I'm lead anchor|veronica corningstone. Tonight's top story:|An ultrasound of ling wong, the most famous panda|in the world, shows that her baby|is doing quite well. - No!|- (ringing) Ron burgundy, stay classy.|(clears throat) Hello, this is ron. Hello. Who's there?|I'm talking. Hello. Who is this? Baxter, is that you? Baxter! Bark twice|if you're in milwaukee. Is this wilt chamberlain? Have the courage|to say something. Hello! Hello! (yells) Oh, tino, thank you|for letting me come in here. I'm glad i can still|get a good meal. Yeah sure. Here you are,|the chef made this special for you. You eat that for the way|you talk about my city. I will not eat that. You're going to eat|that cat poo. I will not eat cat poop. - You will eat cat poo.|- Ron burgundy says no! You make a fool of me|and everyone here. You put that cat poo|in your mouth. - No!|- Yes! - No!|- Sí! - I will not eat cat poop.|- You will do it immediately! - No!|- You will! - Fine, i'll try to eat one...|- get in there. If i take one bite will|you get me a steak? If i take one bite of shit|will you bring me a steak? I'll think about it. Yeah, get in there. - Yeah, start with the end.|- I am so hungry. - There.|- Oh god! A steak. A big steak|for him, please. No!|I had one bite. - That's not enough.|- Son of a bitch. - You like this?|- (ron crying) Oh, don't cry.|Don't cry. He's not crying.|He's not crying. - Don't cry in my...|- i'll eat the shit. I don't care. I'll eat the entire|hunk of shit. Okay, just finish it up. Don't you feel|better now? Hey, you watch|yourself, mister. Hey, lady in|the red hat. Yeah. You smell. (groaning) Guys.|Guys, it's me, ron. Fellas! Harken said he'd fire us|if we talked to you. - What?|- I'm sorry. L... brian! - It's ronnie!|- Ron! - Champ!|- Ron! Champ, come on.|Come on! Go, brick. My sweet brick. Brick, come hug me.|I know you want to. Ron: I am completely|miserable, san diego! It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice! Yes, yes.|Chris, listen to me. Put down the gun|and let the marching band go. - We'll play it off as a prank.|- (phone ringing) We'll straighten it out later.|I'm getting another call. Ed harken. What?|Oh, my god! Listen, everybody, ling wong|the panda is giving birth! Get corningstone|over there right away! The network|is picking up the feed. I want a shot|of that panda being born! This is ted nightingale,|channel 6 news los angeles, reporting from|the san diego zoo. And this is the moment the entire world|has been waiting for. I can only speculate|as to the sex of the panda, but if i had to guess,|i'd say female. - Excuse me. Press.|- Hey, lady, watch it. Excuse me, i'm press.|Thank you. What do you got? Nothing. All i can see|is a blue curtain. Veronica:|Oh, damn it. Go over there and see|if you can get a shot. I'll go this way. Hey, lady, why don't you|go fetch me a sandwich? - (laughing)|- Okay, i'll go get your sandwich. Then i'll show you the ratings where|you're number two to a woman. Ouch. Don't lose|any more hair over it. - Whatever.|- We're live, mr. Mantooth. Good afternoon,|san diego. We're here today to celebrate|the birth of a panda. Sky rockets in flight afternoon delight af...|(raspberry) I make fart noises|with my mouth (raspberry) - And i like to cut...|- hey, nut job! Quit the singin'! Creeping out|all the regulars. I'm expressing my inner anguish|through the majesty of song! Look, drunkie, you been|coming in here every day, stinking up the joint|with your craziness. Now, what the hell|is wrong with you? I got no heart! Because a she-devil stole it! You know what the worst|part about it is? She's better than me! She's better than me. You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now. You're gonna have to learn|how to deal with that. What?|Were you saying something? Look, i don't|speak spanish. Ah. Scotty. Scotty, i have the shot. Scotty. Scotty! (clear throat)|Hey, uh, that is some fantastic|shot you got there. The kind of shot that gets you|to the top of network news. - Oh, well, we hope.|- We at public television, we're really down|with the woman's lib thing. That is so refreshing to me. Because the struggle i've...|(screams) - Howie, we have the shot.|- (veronica grunts) Up a little.|Up, up. Oh.|You son of a bitch! Shh! Don't want to wake up|your friends. (veronica groaning) (grunts, shrieks) (snoring) (hushed)|Help! - Simply vanished.|- How do you lose your lead anchor? - I can't find corningstone.|- Where the hell is she? - No one's seen her.|- I can't believe this. Every news outlet in the world|is looking for coverage on this. I've got no damn lead anchor! Damn it! Get me a phone. I can't believe|i'm about to do this. (phone rings) Rocky's,|bar, grill, fine dining. - Is there an anchorman there?|- Hold on. This is killing me.|I'd rather slit my throat. - Hello?|- Hello? - Is this ron?|- Who is this? - It's me. Ed.|- Who? - Ed harken.|- I don't know a ned. - Ed harken!|- Ed! - Ed, hello.|- Listen, ron. Corningstone disappeared in the midst|of the biggest story of the year. We need you down here|right away. Wait, ed. Does this mean you're asking me|to report the news again? - Yes.|- Ed! That's wonderful!|Thank you! Ed, hold on.|I want to say a few words. - You have always been a good friend!|- Right. - Always!|- Right. (blubbering) Get down here|as quickly as you can. Ed, i'll be down there. And i'm going to look good. Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy. Damn!|That dude cleans up good! If i'm gonna do this, i'll need|my news team at my side. (breathing deep) (resounding) Ron:|News team! Assemble! (horn echoing) News team, assemble! (echoing) Hey, ron. What's up? Oh. Hi.|Didn't see you there. We've been here literally|the entire time you have. I'm a little embarrassed. (sighs)|Look. I just got the call from harken.|He wants me back. But i can't do this|without my news team. I don't know, ron. That was half a lifetime ago.|We're different people now. When you left,|the hurt was so deep. I don't know if i can|go through that again. Think about|what you're asking. (babbles)|Man. Gentlemen, there was a time when you called me|your lead anchor. Will you follow me again? I'm gettin' too old|for this shit. To the news van! - To the news van!|- Okay! Ahh! Well, i'll be.|Ron burgundy. He's back! Gentlemen, let's try|to get in a good position for the story. - How does the hair look?|- Magnificent. Champ:|You have hair like an angel. Oh, whoa, whoa.|Network talent scout. - Champ: This is a hot one.|- Ron: I'm actually nervous. - Let's go get 'em.|- (veronica whimpering) Wait! Did you|just hear something? - (growling)|- Help. - Ron, help!|- Veronica! - Are you okay?|- Shh! How did you|get down there? Just go get someone.|Please. Hold on.|Hold on! (growling) We've got to do something. Whoa, ron, i don't want|to sound cruel, but... there's a network|talent scout over there. This is a tough decision. So much to think about. Basically the biggest story|of my career, launching me to a level|i've never known before, or saving the woman i used to have|familiar relations with. This is hard! I am in a pickle! Ron, i know|it sounds harsh, but god does not|want her to live. No. Hold on. It's clear now. We go into the bear pit. Ron, don't. (yelling) (grunts)|Oh! (growling) I immediately|regret this decision. What are you doing?|Why didn't you get help? Ron:|These bears are massive! They looked|a lot smaller from up there. Fan out.|Let's go find harken. Stay calm. It's all right. I think it's all right,|my sweet chinchilla. - Oh, ron.|- Yes, yes. In case we die here today, there's something|that you should know. That dirty trick|with the teleprompter, it wasn't... sweet eli whitney's nose!|It wasn't you, was it? It was wes mantooth. - Oh, i should have known.|- No, no. - No, i did it.|- You bitch! - Shh!|- (bellowing) You woke the bears.|Why did you do that? (screaming) There's somebody|in the bear pit! (roaring) It took|my impending death for me to realize|how much i need you. Oh, ron. Those bears|are gonna hurt them! News team, let's hunt. News team! All:|Bear fight! Come on.|Come on! (screaming) Damn! Hit 'em in the uvula! Hey, ron! I'm riding a furry tractor! The bears have descended|on the news team and it's not going well. Clearly, after today,|i will no longer... come on!|Oh, god! It's getting to be|ri-goddamn-diculous! (growling) Oh, no. We woke up the mama. (roaring) Oh, god! I don't wanna die. (barking) - Ron: Baxter!|- (barking) (onlookers gasping) (cheering) Veronica:|Look! They're following their mother! Ron:|It's instinct. Oh, baxter! Oh! Oh, baxter,|you're still alive! Oh, i'm so happy! I'm so happy!|You are alive! I'm so happy! (crying) I will lick you! I will lick you in front|of everyone to show my joy. Oh. Ohhh! Boy, he really|likes that dog. Burgundy!|Burgundy! Burgundy! Burgundy! Burgundy!|Burgundy! Hi, ron. It's always a long fall|from the top, isn't it? Easy, wes. I've been waiting|to say this to you for a long time. - All right.|- Deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, i pure, straight hate you! (onlookers gasp) But, god damn it,|do i respect you! (onlookers sigh) (cheering) Thank you, brother. Burgundy!|Burgundy! Today we spell redemption r-o-n. Burgundy!|Burgundy! Woman:|Ron, you're my hero! Ron, i think you've got|a story to report. Are you sure, ed? Do it. It's the story|you were born to tell. San diego's waiting.|Go get 'em. Make way! Ron burgundy's about|to report on pandas! Count me down.|Three. Scotty:|You're live, mr. Burgundy. This is ron burgundy, proudly reporting once again|for channel 4 news. Today's story is one|of the more remarkable things ever to happen|to san diago or even the world. But in order|to properly retell it, i'm going to need|some help from my co-anchor, miss veronica corningstone. (onlookers cheering) - High-pressure system...|- no, no, no, no, brick. - High-pressure system...|- go stand over there. (cheering, applause) Oh, ron. Ron, there are literally|thousands of men that i should|be with instead, but i am 72 % sure|that i love you. (cheering) Narrator: Yes, redemption|was sweet for ron burgundy. Yes!|Ron! - As for the news team:|- Stop it! Ron! Champ kind went on to become|a commentator for the nfl, but was later fired|after being accused of sexual harassment|by terry bradshaw. Excuse me. Is that sex panther|you're wearing? (howls) Brian fantana went on|to have great success as the host of the hit|reality tv show "intercourse island"|on the fox network. Anyone seen brick? - Brick?|- Don't! That tickles! No, that tickles me!|Come on! Brick tamland|is married with 11 children and is one of the top|political advisors to the bush white house. I'm gonna get you!|I'm gonna get you! (cheering continues) And ron and veronica|didn't stay in san diego long. I chose them|as my replacement, and they became the first|mixed-gender network news team, and they're still|doing it today. From all of us here|at the world news center, i'm veronica corningstone. And i'm ron burgundy. You stay classy, planet earth. Carry on, my wayward son there'll be peace|when you are done lay your weary head|to rest don't you cry no more... oh!|Great odin's raven! Oh!|By the hammer of thor! Oh!|Saint damien's beard! Sweet grandmother's spatula! Oh! Hot pot of coffee! Uncle jonathan's|corncob pipe! I'm gonna shoot you with a bb gun|when you're not looking. In the back of the head. - I'm sorry.|- (crew laughing) You're not very bright.|You know that, right? You're actually|quite a dullard. Everyone here knows it. If i'm a dullard,|you're the, uh, the dull... oh! Can't think of|anything to say, can you? Yes, i can. I can think|of a lot of things to say. Like, you're a dirty bitch. Well, ron, i'm gonna|put poison... (laughs)|Oh, my god! (crew laughing) I drank a lava lamp.|It wasn't lava. I ate a whole bunch|of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy|like that guy said. My stomach's itchy. I pooped a hammer. I pooped|a tape recorder. I pooped|a cornish game hen. Uh... (laughs)|Nope. You do not take|a tone with me, 'cause i will give you a rap right|on the jack johnson! - Okay.|- Yes. Now this|is happenin'. What are|you doing? - Hah!|- What are you doing? What are you... action. We'll go back to doing|what i do best... i guess we'll go back to doing|what i do best, show off. When do we|get started? When do we get started? - That's my line.|- When do we get started? You say,|"whenever you like." - Whenever you like.|- (laughs) Keep it rollin'.|This is good stuff. ...an area bank|in a daring... probably not the same one.|Probably not the same guy. Ron:|Brick, before i let you go, are you still having your celebrity|golf tournament this summer? No, too many people|died last year. So we're not gonna do...|(laughs) Sorry. Sorry. They named it|san diego. Which in german means,|"a whale's vagina." (laughing) This is the most|ridiculous thing ever. Carry on, my wayward son there'll be peace|when you are done lay your weary head|to rest don't you cry don't you cry no more (all laughing) Way to handle him.|That was nice. It sure is good|to be number one. It sure beats the hell|out of number two. We are laughing! And we are|very good friends. Good buddies sharing|a special moment. Don't say anything, ron.|Just let it happen. We're laughing,|enjoying our friendship. And someday we'll look back|on this with much fondness. Yeah.|(sighs) (laughs) Yeah. |
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