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Angels In America - Chapter 2

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Please wake up.
Oh, God!
Please wake up.
What? What is it?
Something horrible is wrong with me. I can't breathe.
-I'm calling the ambulance. -No, wait.
Wait? Are you fucking crazy? God, you're on fire, your head is on fire.
-lt hurts. -I'll call an ambulance.
No, I don't wanna go to the hospital. I don't. Please let me lie here.
-No. Prior, stand up! -Don't touch my leg.
-We have to.... God, this is so crazy! -I'll be okay if I could just lie here a little.
Really, if I could just sleep a little.
Louis, don't.
Don't call. You'll send me there and I won't come back.
Yes, yes. It's an emergency. I need an ambulance right away.
-Please, Louis! -Will you shut the fuck up?
-210.... -I have to go to the bathroom.
I don't know. I don't know, he can't breathe!
Oh, God!
-Prior.... -I'm sorry.
They'll be here in a minute. It's.... Oh, God!
-What is that? -I had an accident.
-This is blood. -Maybe you shouldn't touch it.
Help! Oh, God. God help me! I can't!
Why are you sitting in the dark? Turn on the light.
No, I heard the sounds in the bedroom again.
I know someone was in there.
No one was.
Maybe actually in the bed, under the covers, with a knife.
Joe, I'm thinking of going away...
by which I mean I think I'm going off again. You know what I mean?
No, please don't. Stay. We can fix it.
I pray for that.
This is my fault, but I can correct it.
You have to try, too.
When you pray, what do you pray for?
I pray for God to crush me...
break me up into little pieces and start all over again.
Please don't pray for that.
I had a book of Bible stories when I was a kid...
and there was this picture I'd look at 20 times every day:.
Jacob wrestles with the angel.
I don't really remember the story or why they're wrestling.
Just the picture.
Jacob is young, and very strong...
and the angel is a beautiful man...
with golden hair and wings, of course.
I still dream about it.
Many nights.
it's me...
in that struggle.
Fierce and unfair.
The angel's not human and holds nothing back.
So how could anyone human win? What kind of a fight is that? It's not just.
Soul thrown down in the dust...
your heart torn out from God's...
but you can't not lose.
In the whole entire world...
you are the only person...
the only person I love or have ever loved.
I love you terribly.
That's what's so awfully, irreducibly real.
I can make up anything, but I can't dream that away.
Are you really gonna have a baby?
It's my time and there's no blood.
I don't really know. I suppose it wouldn't be a great thing.
Maybe I'm just not bleeding 'cause I take too many pills.
Maybe I'll give birth to a pill.
That would give a new meaning to pill-popping.
I think you should go...
to Washington alone.
-Change, like you said. -I'm not gonna leave you, Harper.
Maybe not...
but I'm gonna leave you.
-He'll be all right now. -No, he won't.
No, I guess not.
-I gave him something that makes him sleep. -Deep asleep?
Orbiting the moons of Jupiter.
-It's a good place to be. -Any place better than here.
-You his.... -Yes.
I'm his....
-This must be hell for you. -lt is.
Hell, the afterlife...
which is not at all like a rainy afternoon in March, by the way, Prior.
It's a lot more vivid than I'd expected. Dead leaves...
the kind of dying feeling that breaks your heart.
Yeah, we all get to break our hearts on this one.
He seems like a nice guy.
-He's cute. -Not like this.
Yes, he is. Was, whatever.
It's a weird name, Prior Walter. Like the Walter before this one.
Lots of Walters before this one.
Prior's an old, old family name in an old, old family.
Walters go back to the Mayflower and beyond...
back to the Norman conquest.
He says there's a Prior Walter stitched into the Bayeux Tapestry.
Is that impressive?
It's old, very old, which in some circles equals impressive.
Not in my circle.
-Will he sleep through the night? -At least.
I'm going.
Tell him....
If he wakes up and you're still on, tell him...
Tell him I had to go.
The pills are something she started when she miscarried.
No, she took some before that.
She had a bad time at home when she was a kid.
Her home was really bad. I think a lot of drinking and physical stuff.
She doesn't talk about that.
Instead, she talks about the sky falling down...
people with knives hiding under sofas, and monsters....
Everyone thinks that Mormons don't come from homes like that.
We aren't supposed to behave that way, but we do.
It's not lying or being two-faced.
Everyone tries very hard to live up to God's strictures, which are very....
-I shouldn't be bothering you with this. -No, please, come on, heart-to-heart.
You want another? What is it, what you got? Seltzer?
The failure to measure up hits people very hard.
From such a strong desire to be good...
they feel very far from goodness when they fail.
What scares me is that maybe what I really love in her...
is the part of her that's farthest from the light, from God's love.
Maybe I was drawn to that in the first place...
and I'm keeping it alive because I need it.
Why would you need it?
There are things....
I don't know how well we know ourselves. I mean, what if....
I know I married her...
because I loved that she was always wrong, always doing something wrong.
Like one step out of step.
In Salt Lake City, that stands out.
I never stood out, on the outside...
but inside, it was hard for me to pass.
Pass as what?
As someone cheerful and strong.
Those who love God with an open heart...
unclouded by secrets and struggles are cheerful.
God's easy, simple love for them shows in how happy they are, the saints.
But you had secrets?
Secret, secret struggles?
I wanted to be one of the elect, one of the blessed.
You feel you ought to be, that the blemishes are yours by choice...
which, of course, they aren't.
Harper's sorrow, that really deep sorrow...
she didn't choose that, but it's there.
-You didn't put it there? -No.
-You sound like you think you did. -I am responsible for her.
Because she's your wife.
That, and I do love her.
Whatever. She's your wife...
and so, there are obligations to her.
But also to yourself.
-God, she'd fall apart in Washington. -Then let her stay here.
-She'd fall apart if I leave her. -Then bring her to Washington.
I just can't, Roy. She needs me.
Listen, Joe, I'm the best divorce lawyer in the business.
Can't Washington wait?
You do what you need to do, Joe. What you need. You.
Let her life go where it wants to go.
You'll both be better off for that.
Somebody should get what they want.
What do you want?
I want you to fuck me, hurt me and make me bleed.
-I want to. -Yeah?
I want to hurt you.
-Fuck me. -Yeah?
-Hard. -Yeah, you been a bad boy?
-Very bad, very bad. -You need to be punished, boy?
-Yes, I do. -Yes, what?
Yes, what, boy?
Yes, sir.
I want you to take me to your place, boy.
-No, I can't do that. -No what?
No, sir, I can't. I don't live alone, sir.
Your lover know you're out with a man tonight?
-No sir, he.... My lover doesn't know. -Your lover know you like--
Let's change the subject, okay? Can we go to your place?
I live with my parents.
Everyone who makes it in life makes it...
because someone older, more powerful takes an interest.
The most precious asset in life, I think, is the ability to be a good son.
You have that, Joe.
I've had many fathers. I owe my life to them.
Powerful, powerful men. Walter Winchell, Edgar Hoover...
Joe McCarthy most of all.
He valued me because I was a good lawyer...
but he loved me because I was, and am, a good son.
He was a very, very difficult man.
Very guarded and cagey.
I brought out something tender in him.
I don't know.
He'd have died for me.
And me for him.
Does this embarrass you?
I had a hard time with my father.
-Your father's living? -Dead.
He was what, difficult man?
He was in the military. He could be very unfair...
and cold.
-He loved you, though. -I don't know.
No, he loved you, Joe. This I know.
Sometimes a father's love has to be very, very hard.
Unfair, even.
Make your son grow strong in a world like this.
This isn't a good world.
Not a chance.
-l.... -What?
I think it broke, the rubber.
You want me to keep going?
-Pull out? -Keep going, infect me, I don't care.
I'm sorry, but I think I wanna go.
And give my best to Mom and Dad.
It was a joke.
How long....
How long we known each other?
Since U980.
Right. That's a long time.
I feel close to you, Joe.
Do I advise you well?
-You've been an incredible friend, Roy. -I wanna be family.
as my ltalian friends call it.
La famiglia.
Lovely word.
It's important for me...
to help you, like I was helped.
-I owe practically everything to you, Roy. -I'm dying, Joe. Cancer.
-Oh, my God. -Please, let me finish.
Few people know this.
I'm telling you this because....
I'm not afraid of death.
What can death bring that I haven't faced?
I've lived.
Life is the worst.
Listen to me, I'm a philosopher.
Joe, you must do this.
You must, must.
Love, that's a trap.
Responsibility, that's a trap, too.
Like a father to a son, I tell you this.
Life is full of horror. Nobody escapes.
Nobody. Save yourself.
Whatever pulls on you...
whatever needs from you, threatens you.
Learn at least this:.
What you are capable of...
Iet nothing stand in your way.
Miss thing!
-Stella. -Stella for star.
Let me see.
You look like shit. Why, yes, indeed you do, comme la merde.
Not to despair. Magic goop.
What kind of crap is that?
Beats me. Let's rub it on your poor blistered body and see what it does.
This is not Western medicine.
Voodoo cream from the botanica round the block.
And you, a registered nurse.
Beeswax and cheap perfume cut with Jergens lotion.
Full of good vibes and love from some little black Cubana witch in Miami.
Get that trash away from me. I'm immune-suppressed.
I am a health professional. I know what I'm doing.
It stinks.
Any word from Louis?
He'll be back, I know the type. Likes to keep a girl on edge.
It's been....
How long?
-I don't remember. -How long have you been here?
I don't remember. I don't give a fuck. I want Louis. I want my fucking boyfriend.
Where the fuck is he? I'm dying.
Where's Louis?
This is a very strange drug, this drug.
Emotional lability, for starters.
-Save a tab or two for me. -No, not this drug.
This drug, she is serious, poisonous chemistry.
And not just disorienting.
I hear things.
-Voices. -Voices?
A voice.
Saying what?
-I'm not supposed to tell. -You better tell the doctor, or I will.
Don't, please. I want the voice. It's wonderful.
It's all that's keeping me alive. I don't wanna talk to some intern about it.
Do you know what happens when I hear it?
-What? -I get hard.
Oh, my!
-And you know I am slow to rise. -My jaw aches at the memory.
And would you deny me this little solace?
Betray my concupiscence to Florence Nightingale's storm troopers?
Perish the thought, ma bebe.
They'd change the drug, just to spoil the fun.
You and your boner can depend on me.
All this girl-talk shit is politically incorrect, you know.
We should have dropped it back when we gave up drag.
I'm sick. I get to be politically incorrect if it makes me feel better.
You sound like Lou.
At least I have the satisfaction of knowing he's in anguish somewhere.
I have to go.
If I wanna spend my whole lonely life looking after white people...
I can get underpaid to do it.
You're just a Christian martyr.
Whatever happens, baby, I'll be here for you.
Don't go crazy on me, girlfriend.
I already got enough crazy queens for one lifetime.
For two.
I can't be bothering with dementia.
I promise.
Ouch, indeed.
Why'd they have to pick on you?
And eat more, girlfriend. You really do look like shit.
Are you still here?
I can't stay.
I will return.
Are you one of those follow-me-to-the-other-side voices?
I am no nightbird.
I am a messenger.
You have a beautiful voice.
Stay with me?
Not now. Soon I will return.
I will reveal myself to you.
I am glorious.
You must prepare.
-For what? I don't-- -No death. No.
A marvelous work and a wonder we undertake...
an edifice awry we straighten...
a great lie we abolish.
A great error, correct...
with the rule, sword, and broom of truth!
I am on my way.
When I am manifest, our work begins.
Prepare for the parting of the air.
The breath, the ascent.
Glory to--
It's a revolution in Washington, Joe.
We have a new agenda, and finally, a real leader.
They got back the Senate but we have the courts.
By the '90s...
the Supreme Court will be solid Republican appointees...
and the federal bench, Republican judges like landmines everywhere.
Everywhere they turn. Affirmative action?
Take it to court. Boom! Landmine.
Roy, are you feeling....
No, I'm fine.
We'll get our way in everything.
Abortion, defense, Central America, family values, a live investment climate.
We have the White House locked till 2000...
and beyond.
A permanent fix on the Oval Office? It's possible.
It's really the end of liberalism, Joe. The end of New Deal socialism.
The end of ipso facto secular humanism.
The dawning of a genuinely American political personality...
modeled on Ronald Wilson Reagan.
-lt sounds great, Mr. Heller. -Martin.
And justice is the hub. Especially since Ed Meese took over.
He doesn't specialize in legal fine points. He's a flatfoot. Cop!
-He reminds me of Teddy Roosevelt. -I can't wait to meet him.
Too bad, Joe. He's been dead for 60 years.
-Martin? -Yes, Roy.
Rub my back.
-Roy. -No, no, I mean it, a sore spot.
I get them all the time now. Please, rub it for me, darling.
Do that for me?
Right there.
Yeah, right there. Yes, a little lower.
How do you think a handful of Bolsheviks...
turned St. Petersburg into Leningrad in one afternoon?
Comrades. Who do for each other.
Marx and Engels, Lenin and Trotsky...
Joseph Stalin and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Comrades, right, Martin?
This man, Joe, is a saint of the right.
-I know, Mr. Heller. -See what I mean?
-He's special. Isn't he? -Don't embarrass him, Roy.
Gravity, decency, smarts.
His strength is as the strength of U0 because his heart is pure.
-And he's a Roy-boy, U00%%%. -We're on the move, Joe, on the move.
-Mr. Heller, I'd really-- -We can't wait any longer for an answer.
Joe's a married man, Martin.
With a wife.
She does not care to go to D.C., and so Joe cannot go.
Keeps us dangling.
We've seen that before, haven't we?
-These men and their wives? -Yes, beware.
-I really can't discuss this-- -Then don't discuss. Say yes, Joe.
-Now. -Say, "Yes, I will."
Now I'm gonna hold my breath till you do.
I'm turning blue waiting. Now, God damn it!
-Roy, calm down. -Here. Fuck it.
Came today, read.
Roy, this....
Roy, this is terrible.
You're telling me.
New York State Bar Association, Martin, they're gonna try and disbar me.
-Oh, my. -Why?
-Why, Martin? -Revenge.
The whole establishment. Their little rules, because I know no rules.
Because I don't see the law as a dead and arbitrary collection...
of antiquated dictums. "Thou shall, thou shall not."
Because I know the law is a pliable, breathing, sweating organ.
Because, because....
Because he borrowed $500,000 from one of his clients.
-There's that. -And he forgot to return it.
Roy, that's....
You borrowed money from a client?
I'm deeply ashamed.
Roy, you know how much I admire you. I know you have your unorthodox ways...
but I'm sure you did what you thought you needed to at the time.
-And I have faith that-- -Not so damp, please. I'll deny it was a loan.
She has no paperwork. Can't prove a fucking thing.
I really appreciate your telling me this, and I'll do whatever I can to help.
I'll tell you what you can do. I'm about to be tried, Joe...
by a jury that is not a jury of my peers.
This disbarment committee...
genteel gentlemen, Brahmin lawyers, country-club men...
I offend them.
To these men I'm what, Martin? What would you say?
-Some sort of filthy little Jewish troll? -No, I wouldn't go so far as that--
I would. They're very fancy lawyers, these disbarment committee lawyers.
Fancy lawyers with fancy corporate clients and complicated cases...
antitrust suits, deregulation, environmental control.
Complex cases like these need Justice Department cooperation...
Iike flowers need the sun.
Wouldn't you say that was an accurate assessment?
I'm not here, Roy. I'm not hearing any of this.
No, of course you're not.
Without the light of the sun, Joseph...
these cases and the very fancy lawyers who represent them...
will wither and die.
A well-placed friend, someone in the Justice Department, say...
can turn off the sun.
Cast a deep shadow on my behalf.
Make them shiver in the cold...
if they overstep.
They would fear that.
Roy, I don't understand.
You do.
You're not asking me to--
Even if I said yes to the job...
it would be illegal to interfere with the hearings.
It's unethical.
No. I can't.
Would you excuse us a moment, please?
-Excuse you? -Yeah, take a walk.
-Roy, are you, are you feeling-- -Unethical?
Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my friend?
It is unethical, l--
Boy, you are really something. What do you think this is, Sunday school?
No, but this is--
This is gastric juices churning, this is enzymes and acids.
This is intestinal, is what this is.
Bowel movement and blood-red meat.
This stinks. This is politics, Joe.
This is the game of being alive, and you think you're what?
You think you're above that?
Above alive is what? Dead. In the clouds.
You're on earth, God damn it! Plant a foot, stay awhile. I'm sick.
They smell I'm weak.
They want blood this time.
I must have eyes in Justice.
In Justice, you will protect me.
Why can't Mr. Heller--
Grow up. The administration can't get involved.
I'd be part of the administration, too.
No, not the same. Martin's Ed's man, Ed's Reagan's man.
So Martin's Reagan's man. You're mine.
This will never be. You understand me?
I'm gonna be a lawyer, Joe.
I'm gonna be a goddamn, motherfucking, legally licensed...
member-of-the-bar lawyer, just like my daddy was...
till my last bitter day on earth, Joseph.
Till the day I die.
Martin's back.
So, are we agreed?
I will think about it.
I will.
It's the fear of what comes after the doing that makes the doing hard to do.
But you can almost always live with the consequences.
Come on.
-Can l.... -Sure.
-Crazy cold sun. -Yeah.
Have to make the best of it.
So how's your friend?
He's worse. My friend is worse.
-I'm sorry. -Yeah, thanks for asking.
It's nice.
You're nice.
I can't believe you voted for Reagan.
-I hope he gets better. -Reagan?
-Your friend. -He won't.
Neither will Reagan.
-Let's not talk politics, okay? -Gosh, you're eating three of those?
-I'm hungry. -They're really terrible for you.
Full of rat poo...
and beetle legs and wood shavings and shit.
-You're eating one. -Yeah, the shape. I can't help myself.
Plus, I'm trying to commit suicide. What's your excuse?
I don't have an excuse, I just have Pepto-Bismol.
Yeah, but then I wash it down with Coke.
-Are you always like this? -I've been worrying a lot about his kids.
-Whose? -Reagan's.
The ones he had with Jane and the ones with Nancy.
Little orphan Patti...
and Miss Ron Reagan, Jr., the you-should- pardon-the-expression heterosexual.
Ron Reagan Jr. is....
You shouldn't make these assumptions.
How do you know about him, what he is? You don't know.
Darling, he never sucked my cock, but....
-lf you're going to get vulgar-- -No, l.... Really.
I mean, what's it like to be the child of the Zeitgeist?
To have the American animus as your dad?
It's not really a family, the Reagans.
I read People. There aren't any connections there, no love.
They don't ever even speak to each other except through their agents.
So what's it like to be Reagan's kid?
"Enquiring minds want to know."
You just....
Whatever you feel like saying or doing, you don't care.
-You just do it. -Do what?
Whatever. Whatever it is you wanna do.
-Are you trying to tell me something? -No, I'm just observing that you--
-Yes. I mean, it must be scary. -Land of the free, home of the brave.
Call me irresponsible.
It's kind of terrifying.
Yeah, freedom is.
Heartless, too.
-You're not heartless. -You don't know.
Finish your weenie.
Yesterday was Sunday...
but I've been a little unfocused and I thought it was Monday.
So I came here like I was going to work, and the whole place was empty.
And at first I couldn't figure out why...
and I had this moment of incredible fear...
and also...
it just flashed through my mind.
The whole hall of justice, it's empty, it's deserted...
it's gone out of business forever.
And I just wondered what a thing it would be...
if, overnight, everything you owe anything to:.
or love...
had really gone away.
It would be...
heartless terror.
Yes, terrible, and very great.
To shed your skin, every old skin...
one by one.
-I can't go back in there today. I-- -Then don't.
I can't go back in, I need....
I can't be...
this anymore.
-I should just.... -Do you want some company?
For whatever.
Sometimes even if it scares you to death, you have to be...
willing to break the law.
Know what I mean?
-Yes. -I moved out.
I moved out on....
I haven't been sleeping well.
Me, neither.
Antacid mustache.
-Joe? -Hi.
You're calling from the street. It must be 4:.00 in the morning.
-What's happened? -Nothing.
Nothing, l....
It's Harper. Has Harper....
Yeah, hi.
No, Harper's fine.
No, she's not fine.
-How are you, Mom? -What's happened?
I just wanted to talk to you.
I wanted to try something out on you.
Joe, you haven't....
Have you been drinking, Joe?
Yes, ma'am, I'm drunk.
That isn't like you.
But I mean, who's to say?
Why are you out on the street at 4:.00 in the morning...
in that crazy city? It's dangerous.
Actually I'm not on the street, Mom.
I'm near the lake in the park.
What park?
Central Park.
My lord, what on earth are you doing in Central Park...
at this time of night?
Are you....
Joe, I think...
you ought to go home, right now...
and call me from there.
I come here to watch...
Mom, sometimes.
-Just to watch. -Watch what?
What's there to watch? At 4:00 in the....
did Dad love me?
Did he?
You have to go home now and call me from there.
-No, answer. -Really, this is maudlin.
I don't like this conversation.
Yeah, it gets worse from here on.
I'm a homosexual, Momma.
Boy, did that come out awkward.
I'm a homosexual.
Please, Momma, say something.
You're old enough to understand your father didn't love you...
without being ridiculous about it.
-What? -You're being ridiculous.
I'm what?
You ought to go home to your wife, right now.
I need to go to sleep.
This phone call. We will just forget this phone call.
-Mom. -No more talk tonight.
And drinking is a sin!
A sin!
I raised you better than that.
The moment of truth has arrived.
I'm gonna move out.
The fuck you are.
Harper, please listen.
I still love you very much.
You're still my best buddy. I won't leave you.
I don't like the sound of this. I'm leaving.
I'm leaving, I already have.
Please, listen.
-This is really hard, we have to talk. -We are talking, aren't we?
Now, please shut up.
Bastard, sneaking off while I'm flat out here. That is low.
If I could get up now, I'd beat the shit out of you.
-Did you take pills? How many? -No pills, bad for....
You aren't pregnant. I called your gynecologist.
I'm seeing a new gynecologist!
You have no right to do this!
-That's ridiculous. -No right. It's criminal.
All right, forget about that. You want the truth?
This is the truth. I knew this when I married you.
I've known this for as long as I've known anything.
But I thought that with enough will and effort...
I could change myself. But I can't!
-There ought to be a law. -There is a law, you'll see.
I'm losing ground here. I go walking, you wanna know where I walk?
I go to the park, or up and down 53rd Street...
or places where....
And I keep swearing I won't go again, but I just can't.
I need some privacy.
-That's new. -Everything's new, Prior.
I try to tighten my heart into a knot, a snarl.
I try to learn to live dead, just numb.
But then I see someone I want and it's like a nail...
Iike a hot spike right through my chest, and I know I'm losing.
The court will come to order.
Let's talk practicalities, schedules. I'll come over when you want--
-Has the jury reached a verdict? -I'm doing the best I can!
Pathetic, who cares?
My whole life has conspired to bring me to this place...
and I can't despise my whole life.
I think I believed, when I met you, I could save you.
You, at least, if not myself, but....
I don't have any sexual feelings for you, and I don't think I ever did.
-I think you should go. -Where?
-Washington, it doesn't matter. -What are you saying?
Without me.
Without me, isn't that what you wanna hear?
You can love someone and fail them.
You can love someone and not be--
You can, theoretically, yes. A person can.
Maybe an editorial "you" can love, Louis, but not you. Specifically you, I don't know.
I think you are excluded from that general category.
You were gonna save me, but the whole time you were spinning a lie.
I just don't understand that.
A person could theoretically love, and maybe many do.
But we both know now you can't.
-I do. -You can't even say it.
-I love you, Prior. -I repeat, who cares?
This is so scary. I want this to stop, to go back.
We have reached a verdict, your honor, this man's heart is deficient!
He loves, but his love is worth nothing.
Mr. Lies! I wanna get away from here.
Far away right now!
Before he starts talking again, please!
As long as I've known you, you've been afraid of men under the bed.
Men hiding under the sofa, men with knives.
I'm dying, you stupid fuck!
Do you know what love is? Do you know what that means?
We lived together four-and-a-half years. You animal! You idiot!
I have to find some way to save myself.
Who are these men?
-I never understood it, but now I know. -What?
It's me.
It is?
Get out of my room!
I'm the man with the knives.
You are.
If I could get up now, I would kill you, I would.
Go away.
Go away or I'll scream.
-God. -I'm sorry.
You, I recognize you now.
Please don't scream.
-Go. -Please.
God, I'm bleeding.
Mr. Lies, get me away from here!
Mr. Lies!
Right here.
I wanna go away. I can't see him anymore.
-Where? -Anywhere far away.
When I open my eyes, you'll be gone.
It worked.
I hurt all over.
I wish I was dead.
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