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Anger management

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Hey, Timmy, get me a hot dog.
Hey, Dave. I like your Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.
Well, thanks, Sara. I like your CHiPs T-shirt.
-Thanks. -Fun party, huh?
Yeah. Except for Arnie Shankman being here.
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
I feel bad for him with his sister losing her mind and all.
You know what we should do? Play Truth or Dare.
-You want to? -Sure.
Okay, I'll go first. Truth or dare?
Have you ever kissed a girl before?
-Well, l-- -Family doesn't count.
-Maybe I'll take dare. -Okay.
I dare you to kiss me.
Right here?
Yeah. I want everyone to see that your first kiss is with me.
Got any mustard for that cocktail frank, butt-lick?
-David Buznik. -I just landed in St. Louis.
-I hope you wrote my speech. -I did, sir. I pulled an all nighter.
I look forward to this, Mr. Head. Never been to St. Louis.
Thank you for allowing me to come on this trip--
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great.
If we finish our work, I'd love to go to a jazz club.
-He hung up on you again, didn't he? -Yes. Yes, he did.
He's a jerk. You came up with the idea for the Husky Cat clothing line.
He didn't say thank you. He should give you a promotion.
There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so....
Bring that up on the trip. You gotta stick up for yourself.
I know. I'll figure something out.
I gotta go. Sorry.
I'm gonna miss you.
That guy's looking at us.
You know I don't like it when people watch me kiss.
I'm sorry.
Take care.
Okay. Bye.
-Have a good flight. -Okay.
I'm sorry.
I think you're in my seat.
Come on, pal. I'm already settled in here. Can't you sit somewhere else?
You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you.
Nobody cares. Just sit in the seat I'm supposed to sit in.
Excuse me. This seat's available.
Okay. Thank you.
You're very welcome.
No air.
That's too bad, huh?
You're on my side of the armrest.
We're not gonna have problems, are we?
I'm wetting my Jockeys here.
You gotta get a load of this, keed.
I mean, you like comedies?
I just haven't been sleeping a lot lately so I was trying to catch some....
Look at this actress here.
What is your position on breast implants?
This guy.
I can just watch the movie with you.
Excuse me.
-Could I get a headset? -Certainly.
Thank you.
Probably make out with my next boyfriend.
Oh, my God, it was disgusting.
I'll be right there, sir.
Where's your headset?
She's busy right now, but it's coming.
For crying out loud. You're missing important plot points.
Could you give me a second, sir?
Excuse me.
Could I maybe get that headset, please?
-Do not raise your voice to me, sir. -I wasn't raising my voice.
Just calm down.
I am calm. I just want my headset.
Our country is going through a difficult time now.
If you won't cooperate--
I don't know where a headset ties into patriotism.
Is there a problem here, sir?
I don't think so.
Can you come to the back with me so we can have a talk?
A talk about what? There's not a problem.
-The stewardess just keeps-- -Flight attendant.
The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when--
Calm down.
I am calm. What is it with you people?
"You people"?
Now wait a minute.
I don't mean you people. I mean you people.
I will not tolerate any racist behavior on the plane.
This is a difficult time for our country.
I'm not a racist. I just want to watch the movie.
I'm only going to say this one more time, sir. Calm down.
I'm calm!
All rise.
-What do you think? -Not guilty. It's a no-brainer.
Mr. Buznik. In case 723, assault and battery against a flight attendant...
...I find you guilty.
I'm ordering you to pay a fine of $3500.
Thank God you're okay.
In addition, to prevent further acts of rage...
...this court orders you to undergo 20 hours of anger management therapy.
Anger management?
Oh, my goodness. Bobby Knight.
-You're in this group? -Oh, yeah. This is my first day.
-It's my first day also. -I hope this class cures me.
Working on the anger problem?
Anger? Isn't this Sexaholics Anonymous?
No. I think that's down the hall.
Well, the hell with this! I'm going home!
Dr. Rydell?
You don't remember me, do you?
-I sat next to you on the plane. -Oh, yeah, the headset guy.
-Good to see you again. -Good to see you too.
That was a crazy flight.
They actually sentenced me to anger management for that.
This is incredible. You could sign this for me...
...and tell them I don't have an anger problem if you want.
I can't just sign your papers.
I didn't do anything wrong. You know that.
All right.
How's this?
Just hang for one session... I can at least say I gave you a proper analysis.
-Then I'll sign your papers. -Okay.
-Shall we? -Oh, yes. Yes.
So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken.
So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken.
And I was like, you know, "Don't go there."
But he kept on about wanting to see a doctor's note or something.
And I said, "Look, I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there."
But he kept talking and talking, being such a nag...
...and then I just blacked out.
I blacked out.
And when I woke up, I was standing over him and I was screaming:
"I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
How do you feel you handled that situation?
Not as well as I could've.
Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.
Now, Fury Fighters, let's say hello to someone...
...who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs:
-Dave. -Hi, Dave.
Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning...
...and he's feeling much better.
More good news, you won't have to listen to those lame jokes...
...because I'm only here for one session.
Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in midair.
-Nice. -I bet you beat her good.
I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Liar. Bullshitter. You're a woman beater.
You can't admit it because you're a piece of garbage.
I don't know about all that, but now I understand why you're here.
I'm here because I was verbally attacked by my neighbor.
And I took a dump on his porch.
I guess you're better than me. That's why you can't cop to your rage.
You're superior. He's superior.
-Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck. -You're not ready. Hear what he said?
Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us.
Girls, why don't you tell Dave what brought you here.
I'm sure he'd love to listen to what you guys have to say.
We always do.
-Come on, Dave. Join us. -Okay.
Okay. Well, we're in the adult film industry.
And we're lovers.
One day, Gina was having sex with this Filipino guy Melo...
-...which was cool, it was in the script. -Sure.
And then I asked Melo back to the house with us...
...which is cool, because, well, we like a little variety.
Variety's good.
So anyway, in the middle of our session...
...I look up and I see Gina kissing Melo on the mouth...
...which is not cool because it violates our threesome code of ethics.
-Stacy bit my toe off. -Then Melo freaks out...
-...and calls me a crazy skank. -Nobody talks to my bitch that way.
-So I stapled his lips shut. -Here we are.
Well, we've all been there.
-I like him. -Yeah, he's funny.
Not as funny as you.
I like that.
-All right, girls. -Let it go. Let it go a little bit longer.
Walk it off.
Nate. Didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ball game?
Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a regular season game. Not important.
He missed the lay-up!
See? Iverson just missed a lay-up at the buzzer, Sixers lose.
Who gives a crap, huh?
I mean, it's just a silly game, anyways.
The anger sharks are swimming in my head.
You gotta dunk that shit!
You gotta dunk that shit!
Listen to me. Stay with me, Nate.
Now, repeat after me, Nate:
Goos blah blah.
Not "blah blah," Nate.
That's good. Slower.
How do you feel?
Good job, Nate.
That sound is a derivation of an old Eskimo word...
...that mothers used to calm their children.
-I see. -Eskimos seem nice.
-They do. -I think Eskimos are smug.
Hold that thought, Chuck.
So, Dave...
...tell us about yourself.
Who are you?
Well, I am an executive assistant... a major pet products company.
I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
All right.
I'm a pretty good guy.
I like playing tennis on occasion....
Also, not your hobbies, Dave, just simple:
Tell us who you are.
I just....
Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be.
What did you say?
You want Lou to tell you who you are?
No, I just....
I'm a nice, easygoing man.
I might be a little bit indecisive at times.
Dave, you're describing your personality.
I want to know...
-...who you are. -What the hell do you want me to say?
I mean, I'm sorry. I just.... I want to answer your question.
I'm just not doing it right, I guess.
I think we're getting a picture, Dave.
-Let's move on. -Dr. Rydell, I'd like to know something.
Why is it that Chuck thinks he can smoke?
I do whatever I want when I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.
Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.
What are you laughing at, Dave?
Just laughing. I don't know. I'm not laughing at you.
Were you laughing with me? Because I'm not laughing.
Am I out of line, or is this guy pushing me?
Well, how do you feel, Chuck?
I went from happy to angry, skipped sad. Now I feel like kicking his ass.
Then we'll see who's laughing.
What? Think you're better than me because you've got both your nuts?
All right, man. All right. Come on. Come on, big boy. Pretty boy.
All right. Is it worth going back to the penitentiary, Chuck?
-So he's laughing at you. -I'm not laughing at him.
-Goosfraba. -Okay.
Good job, Chuck. That was really good.
Where's the coffee cake? I was looking forward to it.
Where's the coffee cake? I was looking forward to it.
I haven't been to the Actors Studio in quite some time.
-I'm sure your audition will go well. -Thanks. I hope so.
-Good night. -All right.
-Thanks, Buddy. -Bye-bye.
That was a little bit insane.
If I had to do 20 hours of that, I'd end up killing myself.
Here you go.
Twenty hours in my class would be pointless for you.
I agree.
I think I'm going to recommend to the court that we double your time.
What do you mean?
Let me explain something.
There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive.
Explosive is the kind of individual that you see screaming at the cashier...
...for not taking their coupons.
Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet, day after day...
...and finally shoots everyone in the store.
You're the cashier.
No. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialing 911, I swear.
I'm going to assign you an anger ally... help calm you down when you're losing it.
Not Chuck. Give me Bobby Knight, or the porno girls.
Heard we're partnering up, huh?
-Yes. -Here's my number.
Great. "You're going to die, bitch."
Oops, that's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
-I see. -My bad. Here.
That's the number. Good. Thank you.
Dave and Chuck...
...working together as a team.
-It's a win-win situation. -Yeah, feels it.
Dave's particulars.
I'll see you soon.
The Yanks are great this season.
Dave thinks they could beat Seattle's win record.
Remember at Brown when we saw Ron Guidry win his 20th?
Oh, man. He was on fire that year.
We could've been too.
Andrew, don't start or I can't hang out with you anymore.
Sorry, it's just hard. I'll never meet anyone as good as you.
You will. She'll be a very lucky lady.
Thanks for being my best friend.
-Hey, Dave. -Andrew.
Good to see you guys hugging.
How was the doctor?
Well, did you get any good promotion news from Mr. Head?
I wasn't able to talk to him about that yet, but I will.
Not that crowded here. You'd think it would be packed.
I rented the place. I figured it'd be more fun if it was just Brown alumni.
Where'd you go to college again?
Trenton Community College.
You had a hard day. Let me buy you a milk shake.
Later, Andrew.
--once you cast your line in, so during retrieval...'ll help you to create a realistic and a erratic....
Hey, Dave.
-Hey. Andrew, what's up? -Not much.
You always try to simulate live bait.
Okay, they got fishing while you go to the bathroom. That's nice.
Yep. Bass fishing. Hey, he caught one.
Be aware of your presentation...
...and make sure that, as you work it along....
Oh, yeah.
Now that is a big one, folks.
Always a blast being with your friends.
It was a great night.
Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs.
Yeah, you like those foot-Iong hot dogs, don't you?
So I saw your boy Andrew at the urinal.
Saw his...
-...thing. -You were looking?
Yeah, unfortunately.
So, now, did this guy grow up near a nuclear power plant or something?
What are you talking about?
Never really seen nothing like that before. Didn't it used to scare you?
I never saw it.
You never saw it?
No, I told you, I never slept with him. Why, is it huge?
No. No. No. No.
It's actually quite petite.
I felt bad for him.
It looked like it belonged on a baby and it had a funny color.
I bet he got a lot of snickers in the locker room.
Like, "What the hell's that thing?"
When you're in a locker room, you must feel good about yourself.
I do. If there are 20 naked guys in there, I'm usually in the top 18.
-Which isn't bad. -You're doing really good.
-Who's that? -I don't know. Let me get rid of them.
-Hello? -Dave, it's me, Chuck.
-Who's Chuck? -Your anger ally.
I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood.
A very bad mood.
I was fired from my ice-cream truck job today. No more Fudgeicles.
-What's an anger ally? -Who's that?
She making fun of me?
No. That's my girlfriend.
You tell her to put a sock in it because I need to talk to you right now!
We're a little busy right now.
You're busy? We're all busy, okay?
You come down here before a black wolf swallows my brain!
After I got kicked out of the Army, I went through a real bad time:
Hookers, booze, shooting holes in the ceiling, screaming myself to sleep.
Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Don't get cute, wiseass!
But, yes.
What's with the watch, huh? Am I boring you?
We ordered the drinks 15 minutes ago and I kind of gotta get back.
Miss? Excuse me, miss?
Is this Slow And Stupid Waitress Day?
I'm sorry. I be right with you.
Damn, man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war.
Would give you the old licky-licky, then fry your banana.
I have seen some shit, man. I kid you not, I have seen some shit.
Wake up to the sound of kids screaming.
Explosions everywhere.
Never know when your number's up.
Vietnam, huh?
-Grenada, man. -Grenada?
Wasn't that like 12 hours long?
Did you see that?
-See what? -That guy. He just gave me a look.
He didn't give you a look.
And I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Are you Jewish?
I could be. But, no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Let's go give those guys some tsuris.
Well, the guy on the left is blind, Chuck.
I hear you.
He's yours.
No. That's not what I was saying.
-Hey. -What the hell?
Got something against guys with hair?
What's going on?
Don't! Stop it! Stop!
Stop! Goosfraba!
You piece of shit!
Stop it! Stop it!
Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.
I see you've managed to brutalize a cocktail waitress this time.
I guess beating up stewardesses can get old after a while.
Flight attendant, Your Honor.
I didn't hit her on purpose, Your Honor.
I was being attacked by someone...
...and while I was trying to take away his....
Trying to take away my cane, Your Honor.
You cracked a waitress in the face...
...while attempting to steal a blind man's cane?
Your Honor, we're not even sure how blind this man really is.
Okay. My bad. Moving on.
Happy now, ass-wipe?
Mr. Buznik, I don't know why you hate women.
Maybe you don't know either...
...but I'll let you think about it while you spend one year in a state prison.
-Isn't that a bit harsh, Your Honor? -No!
-May I approach, Your Honor? -By all means, Dr. Rydell.
Thank you.
-It's been a while. -Yes, it has.
-You look marvelous, Brenda. -Thank you.
-And how are the boys? -Fantastic.
James made the basketball team, Raheem landed the lead... Fiddler on the Roof.
Raheem will make a breathtaking Tevye, I'm sure.
So do you have a take on this Buznik guy?
Is this good or bad?
Well, it's bad that he's talking to her...
...but it's good that....
No, it's bad. It's all bad.
-You think you can help him? -I think so, Your Honor.
If I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.
Mr. Buznik...
...because of the enormous respect I have for Dr. Rydell...
...I'm placing you in his intensive anger management program...
...for 30 days.
But if you fail to strictly adhere to the rules of his program... will spend the next year in state prison.
-Buddy? -Good evening. Ready to get it on?
Get what on? What are you doing here?
Well, well, well.
The lair of the rage rhino.
I smell the effluvium of pain and frustration.
-Where should we put my stuff? -What stuff?
We've got 30 days to control your anger.
My approach dictates intense observation.
What better vantage point than bunkmates?
Put that there, Dan, thank you very much.
No. No. I'm sorry. Guys, I don't think you should be moving in with me.
Sit down, Dave.
Let's be perfectly clear about this.
You've been deemed a threat to society.
I believe that radical, round-the-clock therapy... the only way to effect a meaningful and positive change... your behavior.
Now we can do it here or Rikers Island.
-Anything else, Dr. B? -No thanks, Dan.
We'll install the wiretaps tomorrow.
-Is this your CD collection? -Yes.
Oh, my.
What are you doing?
I don't want you listening to any angry music.
The Carpenters are angry? I mean....
Don't be naive, Dave.
"Close to You." "We've Only Just Begun."
Songs of madness and obsession.
Who's going to pay for that?
Retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me. Can you do that?
Yeah. It's retarded. I'm retarded.
Now then, we need to go over some ground rules.
My girlfriend got me that.
You're to refrain from violent acts including verbal assault...
...and vulgar hand gestures.
You may not use rage-enhancing substances...
...such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine...
...Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers, Trick Sticks...
...Bing Bangs or Flying Willards.
-How about Fiddle Faddles? -Under my supervision.
Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating...
...please do so without the use of any pornographic images...
...depicting quote-unquote "angry sex."
That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy...
...and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised... how much fun we can have.
Jeez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry masturbating? How is that possible?
Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable.
Dave, I got this for you.
It's a wonderfully therapeutic tool.
Record your thoughts on this whenever you feel angry.
I'm feeling very angry right now...
...because I only have one bed and no couch.
Not a problem.
In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm proud to be an American.
By the way....
I like to sleep in the nude.
You hear that frog?
What do you want?
I'm just recording your demeanor upon awakening.
Good to see you got your underwear back on.
I don't gotta be up till 7.
You've got to make my breakfast.
Dave, cooking is very relaxing and therapeutic.
I want two eggs, over easy and unfertilized...
...wheat toast, dry, and please...
...tell me you've got ketchup.
There's a Denny's down the street.
Not only do they have ketchup...
...but they got the angriest waitresses I've seen.
You could have a blast with the goosfraba thing down there.
Your eggs.
-Holy shit! -I said over easy!!
Now, why did I do that?
Because I refused to spoon with you last night?
The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.
No matter how old I get, always a culinary delight.
No explanation for the egg throwing. He's a psycho.
Don't sulk, Dave. Eat. Sit down.
We'll be off to work in a jiffy.
"We'll be off to work." Now, by "we'Il," I assume you mean just me, right?
Well, I have to join you at work.
Full contact.
That will make me look nuts, Buddy, bringing a shrink to work... whipping eggs at people. I don't know.
You must never be ashamed that you sought help for yourself, Dave.
It's not a weakness.
I mean, I gotta be there by 9:00.
I don't think we'll make it on time. You're not even dressed.
The Talmud says: "Wherever you look...
...there's something to be seen."
Look, Dave.
-What exactly was that all about? -What?
You just ran through a red light. Are you trying to get us both killed?
I'm a little flustered right now. I have to be to work in eight minutes.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!
-Holy shit! What are you doing? -I need you to unfluster.
My boss is going to go nuts on me if we're late, so please?
We will proceed when you are centered.
I'm centered, I'm centered.
There's 10,000 people behind us. Let's go, crazy man.
What is that? Is that good?
We're going to sing a song.
No. I don't want to sing a song. I want to go to.... I've gotta go.
Here we go.
The magic of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's...
...West Side Story.
"I Feel Pretty."
Get this moving. What the hell's your problem?
Shut your pie-hole! We're working here!
Wow. Sorry.
Move your ass, dipshit!
Burn in hell!
You feel stunning.
And entrancing.
You're late.
Yes. There was a little bit of a tie up on the bridge.
I didn't ask for a traffic report. You're always late.
Now is the first time I've been late. But you're right. I'm sorry.
May I interject?
You were about to say something else before you said, "I'm sorry."
We mustn't absorb and repress.
-Who's this? -I'm his anger management therapist.
You're in anger management?
Temporarily, yeah.
Do you remember the flight to St. Louis...
...that I was on when they had to turn the plane around?
Yeah, yeah. Because of that unruly passenger in coach.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
He doesn't like people touching his clubs.
Well, that unruly passenger was me.
I got arrested at Kennedy. That's why I didn't make the next flight.
You said your apartment caught fire.
Dissembling is a common tool of the anger junkie.
Might I have your first name, Mr. Head? And tell me it isn't Dick.
-It's Frank. -Fran.
Isn't that normally a girl's name?
What went on on that flight?
To be honest with you, it was a mix-up. I....
Jibber jabber. Jibber jabbering. Mumbo jumbo.
Denial. Key, key, key, key, key, key.
Fran, your assistant beat the bejesus out of a flight attendant.
-I didn't. -You broke her nose.
I broke the cocktail waitress's nose.
I mean, I accidentally did that.
Dave, you have a disease.
Would you apologize if you were a diabetic? Of course not.
Why do you feel you have to apologize because you're suffering from T.A.S.?
Toxic Anger Syndrome.
I don't have T.A.S.
He's angry. It's a sickness, not a crime, Fran.
His name is Frank!
No. I'm sorry.
Clothes for cats isn't really a new idea...
...but there was never really a line made for overweight cats...
...who might feel a little self-conscious...
...about how they look in certain outfits.
That's why I got the baggy sweater on him, to cover up his gut.
And the beret to take attention off his plump head.
Oh, little Meatball. You tie this up tight...
...and away goes the chin.
I'm so handsome.
-Hey, Dave. This is your office? -Andrew.
-What are you doing here? -I played golf with Frank.
He's friends with my dad. We're members of the same country club.
Really? I've been wanting to play golf with him a long time.
-Is it awesome there? -It's nice.
So, anyway, Dave, how's anger management going?
Who told you about that?
Linda's my best friend. There's no secrets between us.
For the love of Mike! This guy's your girl's best friend?
No. I mean, I like to consider myself her best friend...
...but Andrew is her best friend friend, if that makes any sense.
You ought to golf yourself. You look a little stressed out.
I gotta go. Bye.
Well, well, well.
This guy's got quite a basket on him.
Really? I didn't notice that.
Do you really want the love of your life hanging around with a guy...
...who looks as though he could satisfy a blue whale?
Well, it's.... I'm doing okay myself, pal.
Maybe it's the way his pants fit him.
What's up?
-This is your young lady? -That's my Linda.
My, oh, my.
I was toying with the notion that you were gay...
...because of the kitty-cat clothes, so forth.
What does she do?
She teaches poetry. Poetry teacher.
I love poetry.
Oh, my, my, my. It's....
Yes, it's a good picture of her.
Well, apparently Dr. Rydell has a history of unorthodox techniques.
He's got a dozen lawsuits pending.
So it's not just me. This guy is nuts, isn't he?
Or a genius.
But if you could prove that he's nuts: audiotape, video, picture, whatever...
...I'll arrange a hearing.
I gotta go. I think he's coming.
Hi, Nancy.
What are you doing in the ladies' room?
Sorry. I just heard you guys got cleaner seats than us.
Not after I get through with them.
I don't care for the way you've ironed my shirts, Dave. Try it again.
-I've been very patient with you. -Beware the fury of the patient man.
-I'm serious! -Too serious.
Get undressed.
What did you say?
Take off your clothes.
I've got a stress-reduction technique to show you.
-It'll be good for you. -Take off my clothes?
Do you want to see me naked, Buddy?
Are you a homophobe, Dave?
No, I'm a pulling-my-penis-out- in-front-of-you-a-phobe.
Let's take a walk on the wild side.
-What's up, baby? -Why are we here?
I'm not a homophobe.
My lawyer's gay. His boyfriend is gay.
And are they all aware that you despise them?
Looking for company, baby?
No. We're not. Thank you.
It's worth 50 bucks...
...if you get in the back seat with my friend here and have a little chat.
My pleasure, Mr. Eyebrows.
Oh, boy, here we go.
-Hello. -Hey. Good to see you.
-What's your name, baby? -Melvin.
His name is David. Don't dissemble.
I'm not dissembling. That's my Hebrew name.
I'm Galaxia. That's my German name.
Where are you from originally, Hebrew Melvin?
What part of Germany do you hail from?
I'm from a little Bavarian village called Lickin Zee Dickin.
Care to visit?
Actually, I like to spend most of my time... Girls Without Wieners-ville.
I'm more comfortable there.
He's just not used to male intimacy.
Well, that's okay, because I'm a lady.
Oops, no, I'm not.
Whoa! There it is.
I feel like dancing. Dancing.
Oh, my God.
What does this have to do with anger management?
-Oh, are you an angry boy? -No.
Do you need some discipline?
No, thank you very--
Oh! Hey! Hey, watch that shit!
Listen, ladies! Gentleman! Lentleman!
I'm not having sex with a she-male! Relax!
Galaxia, you may get out of the car now.
Your services are no longer required.
You know what?
You guys are freaks.
Give me the tape recorder.
Come on.
Patient number 135, David Buznik...
...has learned the difference between unhealthy anger and righteous anger.
Thus he has advanced to the second level of my program.
Great. Can I go throw up now?
I'm a lady. Oops, no, I'm not.
-Whoa, there it is. -I feel like dancing.
Wasn't that sick? She looked like Olivia Newton-John...
...if she was really ugly and had huge balls.
But Buddy didn't order you to have sex.
I'm getting a call. Please hang on.
-Hello? -Is Buddy there?
No, he's in the shower right now.
This is Becky, his assistant.
Just tell him his mom called from Boston.
She said she's having some minor surgery.
It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston County Hospital for the next two days.
Miracles of modern science. I am stimulating my hair follicles...
...and brushing my teeth at the same time.
It looks really good.
What's the matter?
Your mom. They took her to the hospital, Buddy.
What's wrong with my mother?
She's having surgery.
I'm sorry.
-Is it serious? -When is surgery not serious?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
Maybe I better get up to Boston...
...see what's going on up there.
Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you just go up there.
Spend some quality time. I'll stay here.
It'll be good for you guys.
Oh, God.
You're all I got, Mom. Please don't leave me.
No more clam chowder.
Buddy... was a joke.
I'm sorry. You don't have to cry anymore.
-A joke? -Yeah.
Oh, boy.
A joke. A jo-- I....
I can't believe that I fell for that one.
I really thought my mother was having surgery.
I'm going to get you back for that one.
Just so you know, she really is having surgery.
I thought you said you were joking.
No, the serious part was the joke.
She's having surgery, but just minor surgery.
Maybe I better get up to Boston...
...see what's really going on up there.
Why don't you--? You just shoot up there. I'll be here.
-I can't believe he's making me go. -How come you guys aren't flying?
Because Dr. Cocoa Puff said legally I'm not allowed to get on a plane.
Meanwhile, I've got Head up my ass about that catalog.
I've got to get it done with nut-boy in Boston.
Why can't Head write his own catalog?
Because I've got to earn that promotion.
You've been doing his job for years. You should be his--
I'm sorry. I know this is really stressing you out.
I'm sure that it's going to be over before you know it.
Yeah, if I don't get caught popping any Jelly Stingers.
Well, that's going to be tough!
Oh, God. There he is.
-That's him? -Yes.
What? Oh. Okay, I'll hold that.
The quiet warmth
Smoldering beneath the rituals Of hope for familiarity
A coursing underground river
Pregnant with the chance currents Of knowledge and love
-What? -That's my poem! I wrote that.
I know.
That is your poem. I love that poem.
I found it crumpled up behind the sports pages...
...on the floor of David's bedroom.
-Shades of early Emily Dickinson. -Who was great on Police Woman.
Thank you. And thank you for rescuing it from the floor.
I think I better get going.
I'll miss you, big guy, so take good care.
-How about a kiss? -I'd love a kiss.
I think she's talking to me. I think I can handle it.
So why don't you back up an inch or two.
Got it.
Thank you. And, take care.
Have a great trip, you guys.
Oh, we will.
Some mindless nitwit is parked behind me.
Good. Then we can't go.
No, I can get out.
-Get in. -I don't know how you'll get out.
Try to wiggle out, you're going to get a ding. But you know everything.
What's he doing?
Well, you're batting a thousand... craziness.
Now we're bumping into cars.
I'm just making a little room to back up.
If I had lost my temper...
...would I have had the presence of mind... leave my card and my insurance information?
Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vein-Popping- A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-...
...While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.
I think you've got room to back up.
Why haven't you taken Linda off the market?
Think you can do better?
I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm ready.
Nobody wants to settle down with a 35-year-old secretary.
Procrastination, Dave.
I'm not procrastinating.
I even think about how I'm going to pop the question.
Husky down jacket. Husky Eskimo look.
What's your plan, ask her at a Yankee game?
Actually, yes. How did you know?
I said the corniest thing I could think of.
If you knew Linda, you'd know how uncorny it would be to her.
Putting up a "Marry me, please" on the scoreboard...
...proclaiming my love for her in front of thousands of strangers.
As you seem to have noticed, I'm a little bit jumpy with public affection.
You seemed to be lovey-dovey back there.
Glad you think that's funny. I gotta work.
A five-hour trip to find out Mommy had a jelly bean...
...removed from her nose.
I'm glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
You could have her, you know.
I'm sure she'd love to hang out with a goofy secretary...
...whose only talent is nostril wiggling.
-Girls love that. -Dave...'ve got a lot more going for you than wiggly nostrils.
I want you to go over there and ask that woman out.
No, I got a girlfriend.
I'm not telling you to elope with her. Just go over and flirt a little bit.
Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin, Buddy.
I'm not a cheater.
Is it cheating if you're passed around the cell block like a peace pipe?
Because that is what's on the docket for you if you don't go and ask her out.
Okay, Dave?
Oh, God.
That's my boy.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I could buy you a drink. I see that you have a drink...
...but I could get you another when you're through with that one.
Bite me.
Nice meeting you. Okay.
Can you guess why she rejected you?
She wanted to be like the 2000 other girls who said that to me growing up?
No. Self-hypnotic negative imagery.
Confidence is the key to winning a young lady's attention.
Now, listen to me very carefully.
-Approach Miss Thing again. -No.
With confidence.
And if she says no this time...
...I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist...
...and release you from my program.
You'll release me from your program?
Just go over there and repeat the following...
I'm sorry I was so rude before...
...but it's difficult for me to express myself...
...when I'm on the verge of exploding in my pants.
-Get out of here. -Trust me, Dave.
If you are calm as well as witty, she will respond.
Witty went out the window with the pants explosion thing, thanks.
My offer stands.
So if I repeat that crazy shit... probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard...
...and get rejected...'ll release me from the program?
Here we go.
Go get them, Mr. Johnson.
I'm sorry I was so rude before...
...but it's difficult for me... express myself...
...when I am on the verge...
...of exploding in my pants.
You are too cute.
Get the fuck out of here.
-I'm Kendra. -I'm Dave.
Let me buy you a drink.
Can I get a cosmopolitan?
I couldn't take it anymore... finally I just tell my boss:
"Hey, baldy, if I want crap out of you, I'll squeeze your head."
-I didn't say that, but I should have. -You are so funny.
Too bad you're leaving town. We could have fun together.
Unfortunately, I am leaving in the morning.
In fact, I think I gotta get back to my friend.
What's the matter?
-You gotta be kidding me. -What's wrong?
My friend took off on me.
I can give you a ride.
I don't even know where the guy lives.
We can hang out at my place until you get in touch with him.
I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.
I shouldn't eat this. I'm getting so fat.
What? You're not fat.
My clothes hide it, but I'm getting gooey right here.
I don't see any goo.
You want to see goo, I'll show you my ass.
Well, I see it, and I didn't five years ago.
I went out with this guy, and he wouldn't sleep with me.
And I asked him why, and he said that when he saw me without my clothes...
...that I look like a porker.
He was probably just nervous because you're beautiful and....
Anyways, you're not a porker. You're the un-porker.
You're Sizzlean.
-You're so sweet, Dave. -Well, you're sweet, Kendra.
Thanks for having me here. He said her name was Rose.
Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell.
Rose Rydell! I got it!
...even though I'd love to see you take that bra off...
...because it represents a team I've hated my entire life...
...I think you gotta keep it on.
Because I got a girlfriend.
I'm not a child, Dave.
If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.
No. I don't think you're a porker.
Then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up... you all of a sudden have a "girlfriend"?
Because I do. I do. I have a girlfriend.
Said the liar to the beached whale!
You're not a beached whale.
If anything, you could even gain a few pounds.
So now I'm too skinny for you?
No. I didn't mean that.
-Is this what you want, Dave? -No.
If I put on a few pounds...
...will you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?!
Holy shit.
Are you such a hot stud that you'll break me in two?!
You're angry right now. Wanna sing? Do you know "I Feel Pretty"?
-Get out! Get out! -Stop!
Get out!
Get out!!
How did it go, pal?
-Why'd you ditch me? -What are you talking about?
You gave me the signal.
I didn't give you the signal to leave.
I gave you the signal to say your gross pickup line actually worked.
Well, of course it did.
So did Little Davey need some anger management?
-That chick was killer. -Serial killer.
She tried to chocolate me to death.
Anyways, I don't cheat on Linda.
-Speaking of Linda, she called earlier. -Oh, yeah?
She seemed a little bit bent out of shape.
-About what? -Your being out with another woman.
-How would she know that? -I told her.
-What else could I do? -What else could you do?
You could've told her something else. I was at the bank. I was at the store.
I ate bad guacamole and I couldn't stop shitting!
Any of those would have been fine!
Well, I'm sorry, Dave, but I don't lie for my patients.
You want to leave your friend and run off and chase some hot babe... can't expect me to cover for you.
I did what you told me to do, you sick, demented man.
What are you laughing at?
What's so funny?
Kendra is an ex-patient of mine, an actress. Pretty good one too.
I arranged for her to be in the bar and for you to pick her up.
You were messing with me?
Yeah. You know, just a joke between friends... the one you pulled on me about my dying mother.
I told you I'd get you back for that.
All right.
So you really didn't talk to Linda.
Of course I did. That's what made it so funny.
Where's your phone?
She's not home, Dave. She went out with her pal Andrea.
She doesn't know any Andreas. You mean Andrew?
Yeah, that's it. Andrew, the testicle with legs.
"The testicle with legs." Great!!
Now wait a minute. Calm down a bit. Try some deep breathing.
Maybe just hum a little "I Feel Pretty."
No!! How about you hum the "I'm a Crazy Asshole" song?
And take me home, you psychotic piece of wacko.
I never thought you'd take it like this.
So, what, we're not going to talk at all?
Would you forgive me if I told you I called Linda last night...
...after our little fracas and explained that it was my fault?
What did she say?
Well, she's not mad at you anymore, but she let me have it pretty good.
You deserved it. I did nothing wrong.
I know. I know.
-Take a little nap. -I am tired.
Well, you had a rough night.
Stop with the cupcake!
Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.
What's going on? Where are we?
Well, at a great deal of expense and effort...
...we have managed to locate your grade school bête noire...
...Arnie Shankman.
We do desire a confrontation with him, do we not?
What? Do you mean the kid who bullied me in fifth grade?
Dave, I think it's pivotal for you to confront your childhood nemesis.
Remember, for 22 more days, you are mine.
This is where Arnie Shankman lives?
You're kidding me. You're going to make me confront a monk.
Are you ashamed that you never stood up to him?
No. He was just a kid lashing out...
...because his sister got sent to an insane asylum.
I'm surprised your research didn't tell you that.
This doesn't look like him.
Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?
Sorry about waking you up.
My name is Pana Kamanana...
...but, yes, I was once known as Arnie Shankman.
Pana Kamanana...
...Dave Buznik from elementary school.
David Buznik.
This is the last place I thought I'd find you, a monastery.
You could say I've gone through a rather dramatic transformation.
Could you excuse him for a second, Peanuts?
His name's not Peanuts. It's Pana Manapia.
You want me to fight a monk? He's not even allowed to hurt a plant.
For Pete's sake, this is the monk that twisted your tits!
Confront him or you're going to prison!
All right. All right. All right.
Anyways, what I wanted to say to you was...
...when we were kids, you kind of bullied me around a little bit...
...and I never really did anything to deserve that kind of treatment.
Of course not. I was a real cretin then.
I did a lot of horrible things as a kid.
I pushed you around. I called you nasty names.
You pulled my gym shorts down in front of Sara Plowman.
That actually was pretty funny.
Jeez, I don't think that it was.
Now, come, David. Humor is the spice of life.
The look on your face was priceless.
"Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"
So Pena likes the spicy humor.
Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me about the great Buddha.
What did you say about Buddha?
Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over 600 pounds...
...have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Let's not make fun of my God, here.
You know what else Dave finds particularly piquant?
Recalling your nut-job sister struggling with her underpants... a straitjacket.
You think that's funny?
Dave used to con her into getting naked... saying that her clothes had ghosts in them.
That never happened.
Then he'd pull out his winkie and tell her... was a strawberry ice-cream cone.
Is that what you've come here to tell me?
Did you expose yourself... my sister?
-And don't shove me again. -It's shower-room humiliation again.
He's giving you a wet willie and making you chew on his jockstrap...
...and fart blossom and all this.
Answer me, Buznik! Did you get it on with my sister?
Over and over again.
And she moaned like a wildebeest.
Whoo! Now, that felt good!
I wasn't expecting that from a Buddhist.
-I'm a little pissed off right now. -You all right? You're all right.
David! David! No, David!
Easy, boy!
Help me, brother.
-Help me. -Okay. Come on. Come on.
Okay, we're even. We're even now.
-I went crazy. I'm so sorry. -I started it.
-I started it. -It's all right.
And I'm gonna finish it!
Now we're even, butt-lick!
No! Don't! Don't! Don't!
"What's that, Auntie Em? It's a twister!"
My nipples!
Pena! Look! Your sister's back.
I got Casper in my clothes!
-Pretty good. -Thanks, baby.
I'll kill you!
You want that rake?
You can't get that rake from me!
Look, everybody!
Pana Banana's got a heinie.
-He's got a heinie! -I give!
-I give! -All right. I'm sorry.
-Friends? -You suck!
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
-I've seen enough. -Hold it right there.
This party's by invitation only.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hold it back there! Come on, come on.
Start the car!
Go! Go! Go! Come on, let's go!
Now! Now! Now! Now!
Oh, boy!
We were like Butch and Sundance!
Oh, my God! I thought you were going to shoot somebody!
You really threw me some curves back there, kid.
I never expected it to go that way.
But you kicked some serious monk ass there, baby.
You're damn right, baby!
-How did it feel? -I feel good! I feel incredible!
I feel bad about molesting his sister all those times, but it's all right!
-You really molested a crazy girl? -No. Got you.
Congratulations, keed, you've reached level three.
I would never have done anything with that girl.
Don't worry. Dr. Rydell explained everything to me, and I get it.
Dr. Rydell brought up an interesting fact about me being a procrastinator...
...and I was going to wait for a Yankee game to do this...
I don't know. I.... It's something I wanted to say to you...
...and I'm having a hard time saying it for some reason. But....
It's just that monks, they talk shit...
...but they can't back it up.
That's what was so hard to say to me?
You know, when I was on the phone with Buddy, he gave me some advice.
That's great. His advice is a little cuckoo...
...but somehow it works.
Well, then I guess I'll just do what he suggested.
I don't think that we should see each other for a while.
Buddy thinks that a trial separation will ultimately...
...strengthen our relationship.
Now, Fury Fighters...
...what keys do we need to possess before we can--?
Dave. You're late.
-Can I talk to you alone, please? -Sure you can--
You told Linda we should have a trial separation?
-Yes. -Yes?!
Separating from Linda is a crucial part of our strategy.
My strategy is to keep my girlfriend.
All right. Strictly as a friend.
Linda's been thinking about leaving you for some time.
She loves you, but she recognizes you're a neurotic mess.
You're jealous...
...self-Ioathing, resentful, insecure and a premature ejaculator.
She told you I was a premature ejaculator?
That part I was assuming.
I haven't done that in, like, eight months.
Anyway, a trial separation will make you both gain a deeper appreciation...
...for David Buznik.
After she dates a couple of losers, she'll be begging you to take her back.
So I've been thinking about it, Linda...
...and a trial separation is exactly what we need.
And if you want to start seeing...
...other penises-- People...
...I want you to feel free.
You sound upset. Are you all right?
I'm fine. Just date anybody you'd like.
And don't hold back, okay?
Because there's a lot of nice guys out there and I'm cool with it.
I'll be strong.
So the guy asked me for change. I laughed. He cursed.
I whizzed on him.
-What else could I do, huh? -You should've tossed a rock at him.
That's your solution for everything. The guy's homeless, right?
Let him be. Set your anger free.
Look at you, Lou. You've really calmed down since working with Dr. B.
-We all have. -Hey, fellas.
Could you bring it down a little bit?
We're trying to have dinner. The walls are really thin.
-This is a free country! -What's going on with you?!
-Are you crazy?! -Go in! Just go in.
Goosfraba! Goosfraba!
Very good. What are you guys doing here?
I need to see Dr. B. I'm in crisis.
He's not here. Why don't you go look for him?
Davey, your girlfriend stopped by and she dropped these off for you.
Those are her keys to my apartment.
I think your girlfriend's cheating on you.
-Why? -I heard her on her cell phone...
...talking to a guy...
-...making a date. -I'm so sorry, Dave.
I'll kill that guy.
She ain't cheating on me by the way. We agreed to take a break.
She's not taking a break from the old sausage, huh?
She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's on 86th Street now...
...if you want to go watch.
No. No, I can't do that.
We're here.
-Both of you showed up? -You like Stacy better or something?
It's just that I want to go on a fake date to get my girlfriend jealous... I really only needed one of you guys.
Well, now she'll be twice as jealous.
-So do you know the guy she's with? -I think I might.
Let me ask you something.
Because of your profession you probably have seen a lot of them.
Does size count at all, or is that just some weird thing guys think about?
This is where Gina and I always get into a heated debate.
I like them when they're really big.
And I think it's better when they're enormous.
Good evening.
Table for three?
-May we take your coats? -No. We're okay.
The girls are gonna take their coats off.
Would you like a boobs--? Booth?
Actually, could you give us a table overlooking that table right there?
-Sure. Right this way. -Thank you.
Oh, my God. It's Stacy and Gina.
I'm so hungry I could eat you, Dave.
Yummy. Yummy.
-Let's get wasted tonight. -Definitely.
Have fun. Lucky son of a bitch.
I can't believe this.
Excuse me.
Linda. I'm a little embarrassed. I didn't know you were going to be here.
I guess not. Are those your friends?
I'm supposed to date other people so I figured I'd give it a try.
Gina, can you stop sucking on Stacy's finger for one second?
I want to introduce you to somebody.
-Stacy, Gina, this is Linda. -Nice to meet you.
And I'd like you to meet my date.
Ladies, this is Buddy Rydell.
-Look, Dave, it's Buddy. -I see.
-You know Stacy and Gina? -Yes, yes, I do.
We're in Dave's anger group. Fury Fighters!
Well, gee whiz. Here's your Rémy, Linda.
This is a bit awkward.
I mean, group members...
...are not supposed to get romantically involved.
-Yeah! I agree with that. -You know that.
I'd like to talk to you alone for a second.
There's a rage control technique I'd like to go over with you right now.
Of course. Excuse me--
-Two of the usual, Duke. -Coming right up, Dr. B.
You're the biggest backstabbing piece of crap I ever met.
What are you saying?
I'm trying to give you a hand. It's my job.
Bullshit! Your job is to steal my girlfriend?!
My job is trying to prevent Mr. Andrew...
...from unleashing the Whopper with Cheese.
That's right. Since you've been out of the picture...
...Andrew's been burning up the wires night and day...
...trying to rekindle those hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U.
-How would you know? -You think I only tapped your phone?
What was she saying?
The good news is, I already launched a preemptive strike.
Now the situation is contained.
You and I control the game.
I will be uncharacteristically aggressively boring.
I keep talking about myself, acting arrogant and obnoxious.
When Linda sees what the dating world is really like...
...then guess who comes out smelling like a white mushroom?
-You swear to me this will work? -The ball's already up in the air.
Incidentally, nice move bringing the girls.
Very strong. Come on.
I'll see you at home in a half-hour, keed.
That's 25 dollars, pal.
We don't....
Where were you? It's 1:00.
When you hear what happened, you'll bow down and worship me like a god.
-Better be good. Give it to me. -Okay.
After dinner, she insisted we go home. So we hop on the bus--
The bus? You took the bus? What happened to your car?
I was way too smashed to drive.
I told her I didn't want to waste money on a cab. That did not go down well.
Okay. I like that.
So we get to her house...
...we have some kind of a weird argument...
...about the number of syllables in a haiku.
Poetry garbage.
She said it was getting late, we kissed and I headed on home.
Now, you say you kissed?
It was nothing. Little five-second kiss. That's all.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
You're having this horrible evening.
-How do you end up kissing, again? -I wish I knew, keed.
We were both pretty geezed up.
One second we're fighting, and the next second we're laughing...
...and then just a quick 10-second kiss.
I thought that you said five seconds.
First it was a five-second one...
...and then a little break because my beard gave her a tickle.
She's cute. And then a 10-second Frencher.
You had your crazy, corroded tongue in my girlfriend's mouth?
Just a second. Just one second, Dave.
Dr. B, let it bip.
Well, hello.
I shouldn't really talk right now.
Well, I suppose you're right.
It's got to be done.
Who was that? Linda?
I've got some good news for you and some potentially upsetting news.
First, the good news.
I'm going to sign your papers. You're a free man.
Let me hear the potentially upsetting news.
Linda and I have fallen for one another.
Pretty hard too.
David, I hope you believe me when I say this:
I didn't intend for this to happen.
It was no one's fault, I guess. It was just--
Wait a minute.
I figured this out.
You're messing with me.
I wish I were, Dave.
However, I did insist that we not go forward without your blessing...
...because we're best friends. So, what do you say, Dave?
Is it all right if I date your ex?
Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.
I am appalled by your assault on Dr. Rydell.
Obviously, anger management has been a complete failure for you.
I'm setting a trial date for 3 weeks from today for attempted murder.
As for Dr. Rydell's safety, I'm issuing a restraining order.
Which means that at no time can you come within 500 feet of him...
...or his lovely new girlfriend, Linda.
Court is adjourned.
Coming, Peaches.
Are you kidding me?
Numb-nuts, where's the catalog for my Fat Cat clothing line?
I said I'd have it by 3.
-Okay. -Get in gear.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I hope you have it. My presentation's in two hours.
What's this? Your fat-shit cat's been sitting there all day.
Don't worry about him.
Here you go. I think you're gonna like it.
It's good stuff.
That's a good picture, I think.
What the hell is this?!
You keep telling everybody you created the Husky Cat line.
I thought you'd want your picture in there. No?
Question: Can I get two couches in my office?
If friends come over, I want them to feel comfortable.
What office?
Frank was nice enough to give me some creative executive position.
-You gave him the job that I wanted? -He earned it.
Why can't you be happy for me? Linda's gonna be.
Know something? I'm sick of you hanging out with Linda.
She dumped you 15 years ago. Get over it.
I wouldn't worry about me.
It's your pal Buddy who's taking her to the Yankee game tonight.
Yankee game.
Did he steal my proposal idea?
Buznik, your behavior is unacceptable.
I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now.
When a good position actually opens up... give it to the biggest dick in the world?
I don't know about the world, but it's definitely the biggest one in the room.
Now, when I started here...
...I was promised advancement opportunities.
And breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable.
You see? I golf also. You should bring me sometime.
So when I get out of jail, sometime in the next two to five years...
...I expect you to give me the position that Andrew just resigned from.
-Okay. -Great.
Have fun looking like Colonel Klink.
By the way, his name is not Fat-shit Cat, it's Meatball...
...and he's eating your crab cakes right now.
-You starting to get excited? -Are you kidding? I'm out of my mind.
This is going to be some night.
Come on. Come on.
-Dr. B, how's it going? -Very well, thank you.
Always a thrill. Right this way.
Where the hell's a spot? Where's a spot?
Whoa! Watch it, man!
Your attention, please.
Your attention, please.
Before tonight's National Anthem...
...Metropolitan Opera star Robert Merrill...
...will present a special moment for two special people.
I love when they do this.
-Good. -Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill.
Linda?! Linda!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Wait, don't I know you?
-Come on. -Where's your German accent?
You have me confused with somebody--
I wanna get on the field. I'm a fan of Mr. Merrill's.
-There's no fans allowed on that field. -Galaxia.
It's Gary.
Whatever. Someone else will marry my woman if you don't let me go.
-Hebrew Melvin's in love. -Very much.
I can't stop love.
-Go. -Thank you.
Don't think I don't owe you a couple smacks by the way.
Good evening. Tonight, romance comes to Yankee Stadium.
Oh, my God, it's Dave.
What the heck are you doing here?
-I wanna borrow this for a second. -That's my mike!
Linda? Where are you?
Don't move.
Linda? Are you out there, honey?
Linda, I'm not mad at you.
Oh, shit.
I know that crazy man brought you here.
Davey's going crazy!
I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick.
Once I ran naked through a subway station.
How was that supposed to work?
I guess I never really thought it through.
I gotta tell you something personal!
This kid lost his marbles.
I'm over here!
Linda, think about what you're doing to us.
Sweet tackle. Wow!
Dave just got leveled!
-Nobody messes with my microphone. -I'm sorry.
-Everything all right, Buddy? -Oh, yeah.
I've never seen you so excited.
It's not every day a man gets to propose marriage... the woman he loves.
Now, here's what I want you to write on the scoreboard.
Linda! Linda, I've loved you since the day I met you!
I won't let you do this to us!
Don't marry him!
Don't marry him!
Let this man finish what he came here to say.
Let the man back in.
-Who was that guy? -I think it's Regis Philbin.
Thank you, Mayor Giuliani. You're the man, by the way.
This clown better hurry up. My arm's starting to ice over.
Chill, Rocket. Goosfraba.
I can understand why you wanted to see other people. I really can.
Buddy Rydell is a psycho!
But he was right about one thing.
I was an angry guy.
Mainly angry at myself...
...for letting people treat me like crap all the time.
But I don't want to be that angry guy anymore.
I wanna change.
If you give me a chance...
...I can show you that I got the guts to stand up for what I believe in.
And I believe in us, Linda.
I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me back.
I should be your husband...
...not that weirdo.
I want to have a family with you. I want to have kids with you.
Kids who have your eyes...
...and your lips...
...and my...
...last name. That's all I wish on them.
Please marry me, Linda.
Before I make my decision, you have to do something for me.
You have to kiss me in front of all these people!
You can do it, David!
Give her a five-second Frencher!
Kiss her, David.
Kiss her, David.
Kiss her, David!
Kiss her, David.
Go Yankees!
Dave's a dirty boy.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
I can't believe you actually started to fall for that crazy man.
Buddy's not such a bad guy.
Congratulations! You just graduated from anger management!
I'm glad your car died. The train's romantic.
Don't change the subject.
You're telling me the past two weeks of my life was just therapy?
I met with Buddy after reading his book...
...and I told him about some of the things going on in your life...
...and how upset it was making you and how nuts it was making me.
He said that he thought he could help, but it would be tough.
So how much of this thing was a setup?
Well, the guy in your seat on the plane, the flight attendant, the judge...
...they're all friends of Buddy's.
What about the air marshal who tasered me? Was he in on it?
No, he was just having a bad day.
Son of a bitch.
Skipper, how you doing?
Buddy Rydell, you're a great man.
I was just doing my job. I never doubted you for a minute.
Except when Galaxia had ahold of you.
Did you just call that guy Buddy Rydell?
A guy named Buddy Rydell left this card...
...on what's left of my Lexus!
Oh, yeah. For insurance purposes.
Your insurance was canceled!
Don't point that gun at Buddy. I'm the one who smashed your car up.
-Dave?! -No!
I'm sick of guys like this.
You wanna mess with my friends, shoot me first.
-Don't! -Are you crazy?
Settle down.
Butt out! Tough guy's going to learn a lesson.
I'm not afraid. Dr. Rydell taught me not to be afraid of anybody.
Can I ask you a question, though?
Got you!
Dr. B, Davey just pulled a joke on us!
And how does that make you feel, Lou?
We were just doing a joke. That's my friend.
Are you okay?
He feels stunning.
A-1 Headline
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