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Austin Powers I

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Ladies and gentlemen,|welcome to my underground lair.
I have gathered here|before me...
the world's|deadliest assassins...
and yet each of you has failed|to kill Austin Powers.
That makes me angry,|and when Dr. Evil gets angry...
Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.
And when Mr. Bigglesworth|gets upset...
people die!
Why must I be surrounded|by fricking idiots?
Mustafa, Frau Farbissina...
I spared your lives|because I need you...
to help me rid the world|of Britaings top secret agent...
the only man|who can stop me now.
We must kill Austin Powers!
Come on, babies.|Work with me, people.
Show me love.
Great, baby!
Oh, behave.
It's Austin Powers!
It's Austin Powers!
Hello, Mrs. Kensington.
Why don't you ever model for me?
You know how Mr. Kensington|feels about that.
Oh, behave.
Yeah, baby!
I'm Basil Exposition|with British Intelligence.
We have just received word|that Dr. Evil...
is planning a trap for you|tonight...
at the Electric Psychedelic|Pussycat Swinger's Club...
here in swinging London.
We'll be there.
There you go. Come on, baby.
Austin, it's a swinging shindig.
It's my happening, baby,|and it freaks me out!
Yeah, man!
Can I get you a drink?
Austin,|we've got to look for Dr. Evil.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Austin! Why on earth|did you hit that woman?
Let me show you, baby.
That ain't no woman.
It's a man, man.
One of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Look out! He's got a knife!
Good work, Mrs. Kensington.
Get up!
Where's Dr. Evil?
Where is he?
There's the bastard.
Let's go.
Coming through.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Not this time.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
See you in the future,|Mr. Powers.
My God! He's freezing himself.
And so Dr. Evil escaped...
and had himself|cryogenically frozen...
to return when free love|no longer reigned...
and greed and corruption|ruled again.
Commander Gilmour?
This is Ritter in|Sou-west Com Three.
We have a potential bogey|with erratic vectoring...
and an unorthodox entry angle.
What are you saying, son?
It appears to be|in the shape of a Big Boy.
Good God. He's back.
In many ways,|the Big Boy never left, sir.
He's always offered|the same high-quality meals...
at competitive prices.
Shut up.
Shall I scramble Tac HQ|for an intercept?
What's its current position?
I'm presently tracking it|over Nevada.
Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone.
Listen, son...
I want you to forget|what you saw here today.
Phillips, call the President.
Prepare the jet,|bring my overnight bag...
and feed my fish.
Not too much.
I'm off to London, England.
Powers volunteered|to have himself frozen...
in case Dr. Evil|should ever return.
I hope your boy's up to it.
We don't want to have to bail|you out again like after WWII.
This is our celebrity vault.
Who is this Austin Powers?
The ultimate gentleman spy--|irresistible to women...
deadly to his enemies,|a legend in his own time.
Attention. Stage one:|laser cutting begins.
Laser cutting complete.
Stage two: warm liquid|goo phase beginning.
Warm liquid goo phase complete.
Stage three:|reanimation beginning.
Reanimation complete.
Stage four:|cleansing beginning.
Cleansing complete.
Stage five:|evacuation beginning.
Evacuation comp--
Where am I?
In the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997.
You've been cryogenically frozen|for 30 years.
Who are these people?
The shouting|is a temporary side effect...
of the unfreezing process.
Yes. I'm having|difficulty controlling...
the volume of my voice!
This is Commander Gilmour,|U.S. Strategic Command...
and General Borschevsky,|Russian Intelligence.
Are you mad?
A lot's happened|since you were frozen.
The cold war's over.
Finally, those capitalist pigs|will pay for their crimes.
Eh, comrades?
Austin, we won.
Groovy. Smashing.|Yay, capitalism.
Mr. Powers,|the president's quite concerned.
We've got a madman on the loose|in Nevada.
When do I begin?
You'll be working|with Miss Kensington.
Mrs. Kensington!
Austin, Mrs. Kensington|has long since retired.
Miss Kensington is her daughter.
Here she is.
Vanessa|is one of our top agents.
My God,|Vanessa's got a fabulous body...
and I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because|of the unfreezing process...
I have no inner monologue?
I hope I didn't say that|out loud just now.
Mr. Powers, my job is to|acclimatize you to the nineties.
A lot's changed since 1967.
No doubt, lovely,|but as long as people...
are still having promiscuous sex|with many anonymous partners...
without protection...
while experimenting|with mind-expanding drugs...
in a consequence-free|environment...
I'll be sound as a pound.
Danger Powers' personal effects.
Actually,|my name is Austin Powers.
It says here|Name--Danger Powers."
Danger's my middle name.
Austin Danger Powers--
one blue crushed velvet suit...
Hey, all right.
One frilly lace cravat...
There it is.
One silver medallion|with male" symbol...
one pair of Italian boots...
Buon giorno, boys.
One vinyl record album...
Burt Bacharach|plays his hits...
one Swedish-made|penis enlarger pump...
That's not mine.
One credit card receipt for|Swedish-made penis enlarger...
signed by Austin Powers.
I'm telling you, baby,|that's not mine.
One warranty card for Swedish-|made penis enlarger pump...
filled out by Austin Powers.
I don't even know what this is.
This sort of thing|ain't my bag, baby.
One book: Swedish-made|Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me...
(This sort of thing|is my bag, baby)...
by Austin Powers.
Just sign the form.
Don't get heavy, man.
I'll sign it,|just to get things moving.
You're all right, baby.
Listen, Mr. Powers.
I look forward|to working with you...
but do me a favor|and stop calling me baby.
You can address me as...|Agent Kensington.
Oh, come on.
All right, then...Vanessa.
Was that so hard?
Come along.|We have to leave immediately.
We preserved your private jet|just as you left it.
It's waiting|at Heathrow Airport.
My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby!
Come on, lad. Let's go.
Gentlemen,|welcome to my underground lair.
It's been 30 years,|but I'm back.
Everything's gone perfectly|to plan...
except for one small flaw--
due to a technical error|by my henchman Mustafa...
complications arose|in the unfreezing process.
But my design was perfect.
Look what you did|to Mr. Bigglesworth!
But, Dr. Evil, we were unable|to anticipate...
feline complications|to the reanimation process--
Let this be|a reminder to you all...
that this organization|will not tolerate failure.
Let's get down to business.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Somebody help me!
I'm still alive,|only I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know...
some of you I'm meeting|for the first time.
Hello up there! Anyone!
Could someone call an ambulance?|I'm in quite a lot of pain.
You've all been gathered here|to form--
Excuse me.
He's down there.
No, not dead--burned. Badly.
If somebody could open|the retrieval hatch down here...
I could get out.
I designed this device myself--
Good. I'm glad you found me.|Listen...
I'm very badly burned,|so if you could just--
You shot me!
Moving on--
You shot me right in the arm!
Let me go around the table|and introduce everyone.
Frau Farbissina--
founder of the militant wing|of the Salvation Army.
Random Task--Korean ex-wrestler,|evil handyman extraordinaire.
Show them what you do.
Patty O'Brien--|ex-Irish assassin.
His trademark--|a superstitious man...
he leaves a tiny keepsake|from his good luck bracelet...
on every victim he kills.
Scotland Yard|would love to get their hands...
on that piece of evidence.
They're always|after me lucky charms.
Why does everyone always laugh|when I say that?
They are after me lucky charms!
It's a television commercial...
with this cartoon leprechaun...
and all of these children|are trying to chase him--
Hey, leprechaun man!
Won't you give|your Lucky Charms?"
And there's all these|tiny bits of marshmallows...
stuck right in the cereal...
so that when the kids eat them,|they think...
Oh, this is candy.|I'm having fun!"
Finally,|we come to my number-two man.
His name...
Number Two.
For 30 years,|Number Two has run Virtucon...
the legitimate face|of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil,|over the last 30 years...
Virtucon has grown|by leaps and bounds.
About 15 years ago, we changed|from volatile chemicals...
to the communications industry.
We own cable companies|in 38 states.
We own a steel mill|in Cleveland...
shipping in Texas,|oil refineries in Seattle...
and a factory in Chicago...
that makes miniature models|of factories.
I have a plan.
It's called blackmail.
As you know, the royal family|of Britain...
are the wealthiest landowners|in the world.
Either the royal family|pays us...
an exorbitant amount of money...
or we make it seem|that Prince Charles...
has had an affair|outside of marriage...
and therefore,|would have to divorce.
Prince Charles|did have an affair...
he admitted it,|and they are now divorced.
OK, people, you have to tell me|these things.
I've been frozen for 30 years.
Throw me a fricking bone here.
I'm the boss. Need the info.
No problem.
Here's my second plan.
In the sixties, I developed|a weather-changing machine...
a sophisticated heat beam|which we called a laser."
Using these lasers,"|we punch a hole...
in the protective layer|around the world...
which we call the ozone" layer.
Slowly, ultraviolet rays|would pour in...
increasing|the risk of skin cancer.
That is, unless the world|pays us a hefty ransom.
That also already has happened.
Hell, let's just do|what we always do--
hijack some nuclear weapons|and hold the world hostage.
Gentlemen,|it's come to my attention...
a breakaway Russian republic,|Kreplachistan...
is about to transfer|a nuclear warhead...
to the United Nations|in a few days.
Here's the plan.
We get the warhead|and hold the world ransom for...
one million dollars!
Don't you think|we should maybe ask...
for more|than a million dollars?
A million dollars isn't exactly|a lot of money these days.
Virtucon alone|makes over $9 billion a year.
That's a lot more.
OK, then.
We hold the world ransom for...
one hundred billion dollars!
Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?
When you see this jet|a-rocking...
don't come a-knocking, baby!
I'm going to need you to sign|these release forms.
Release forms?
You're not officially working|for Ministry of Defense...
and these forms indemnify|the ministry against...
any mishaps that may occur|in the line of duty.
Mishaps?|But isn't that what being...
an international|man of mystery's all about?
Name--Austin...Danger Powers.
Sex--yes, please!
How does a hot chick like you...
end up working|at the Ministry of Defense?
Well, I went to Oxford...
where I excelled|in several subjects...
but I ended up specializing|in foreign languages.
I really wanted to travel.
You know,|sort of see the world?
That's fascinating.
Why don't we go in the back|and shag?
I've been frozen for 30 years.
I've gotta see if my bits|and pieces are still working.
Excuse me?
My wedding tackle.
I'm sorry--
My meat and two veg,|my twig and berries.
Hello, lads, you still awake?
Mr. Powers, please.
I'd appreciate it if you could|concentrate on our mission...
and give your libido a rest.
Can I show you something?
I won't bite...hard.
All right.
Let me ask you a question,|and be honest.
Do I make you horny?
I hope this is part|of the unfreezing process.
Oh, turbulence! Look at that!
I've gone over!
Oh, I fell over again!
I will never|have sex with you, ever!
If you were|the last man on Earth...
and I was|the last woman on Earth...
and the future|of the human race...
depended on our having sex|simply for procreation...
I still would not|have sex with you.
What's your point?
Remember when we froze|your semen?
You said if it didn't look|like you were coming back...
we should try|to make you a son...
so that a part of you|could live forever.
After a couple of years,|we got a little impatient.
Dr. Evil,|I want you to meet your son.
My son?
I'm your father.
I haven't seen you|my whole life...
and now you come back|and just expect a relationship?
I hate you.
Could I have a hug?
-Give me a hug.|-No way.
I'm not coming over there.
-Let's go.|-Forget it.
-Pronto.|-What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip.
Don't look at me|like I'm fricking Frankenstein.
Give your father a hug.
Hey, don't touch me!
Get away from me,|you lazy-eyed psycho!
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.
So, which side of the bed|do you want?
You're sleeping on the sofa.
In fact,|I'd like to remind you...
that the only reason|we're sharing a room...
is to keep up the context...
that we're|a married couple on vacation.
Shall we shag now,|or shall we shag later?
How do you like to do it?
Do you like to wash up first...
you know, top and tails,|whore's bath?
Before I'm on the job, I like|to give my undercarriage...
a bit of a how's-your-father.
I'm just joking.
I'm just trying|to get a rise out of you...
for shits and giggles.
Let's unpack.
nerd alert!
How did this get in here?
Somebody's|playing a prank on me.
Honestly, it's not mine.
Hey, Americans!
Enjoy that wine.
There you are.
Do I know you?
No, but that's where you are.|You're there.
Viva Las Vegas, baby.
There's a company|in Las Vegas called Virtucon...
which we think may be linked|to Dr. Evil.
Plenty of Virtucon executives|are gambling in this casino.
Smashing. Let's go.
There's one over there.
Changing a thousand.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I join you?
Not at all.
The game is blackjack,|gentlemen.
Ten thousand dollars|minimum bet.
King for you, sir,|and a three for you.
Hit me.
You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Four. Twenty-one.
I'll stay.
I suggest you hit, sir.
I also like to live dangerously.
As you wish, sir.
Twenty beats your five.
I'm sorry, sir.
I won't lie to you.
Cards are not my bag, baby.
Allow myself to introduce...
My name is Richie Cunningham,|and this is my wife Oprah.
My name is Number Two.
This is my Italian|confidential secretary.
Her name is Alotta...
Alotta Fagina.
Come again?
I'm just not getting it.
It sounded like you said|your name was a lot of...
Never mind.
What exactly do you do,|Mr. Number Two?
That's my business.
If you'll excuse me, I have|to go to the little boys' room.
You keep your eye|on the Italian bird.
We'll rendezvous|back at the hotel suite.
You didn't happen to see...
anything at all?
That is one crazy getup|you got there, fella.
Thank you.
Are you in the show?
No, actually, I'm English.
I'm sorry.
Hey, partner?
Have a good one.
Partner, relax. Don't force it.
Gonna blow out your o-ring,|drop a lung.
Who does Number Two work for?
That's right, buddy.|You show that turd who's boss.
Grab a hold of something,|bite your lip, and give it hell.
We're gonna get through this.
That sounds pretty nasty.
How about|a courtesy flush over there?
Jesus Christ, boy.
What did you eat?
the warhead is ours.
Patch me through...
to the United Nations|security secret meeting room.
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
In a while you'll notice...
the Kreplachistani warhead|has gone missing.
If you want it back, you're|going to have to pay me...
one million dollars!
One hundred billion dollars.
Gentlemen, silence.
Now, Mr. Evil--
Dr. Evil.
I didn't spend six years|in evil medical school...
to be called mister,|thank you very much.
It is the policy|of the United Nations...
not to negotiate|with terrorists.
So long.
Gentlemen, in exactly five days,|we will be $100 billion richer.
How's Austin?
He's asleep.
You didn't.
I made him sleep on the sofa.
Vanessa, I'm proud of you.
Because you've managed to
God knows he tried, mummy.
I actually had to end up|being rather firm with him.
What about his teeth?|It's really bizarre.
You have to understand,|in Britain in the sixties...
you could be a sex symbol|and still have bad teeth.
It didn't matter.
Did you ever?
Me? No, of course not.
I was married to your father.
Did you ever want to?
Austin is very charming...
very debonair.
He's handsome, witty...
has a knowledge of fine wines.
Women want him,|and men want to be him.
He's every bit an international|man of mystery.
You didn't answer my question.
I know.
Let me just say this--
Austin was the most loyal
I will always love him.
Do you want to speak to him?
No. It's been too long.
I'm going to have to go,|but I love you.
Ciao, darling.
A limo's just pulled up.
Let me see.
That's Dr. Evil's cat.
How can you tell?
I never forget a pussy...
Oh, no. He's gone away.
My God, Vanessa,|you are so incredibly beautiful.
That's it.
Come on, darling...
I'm gonna take you out|for a night on the town.
Ladies and gentlemen,|Mr. Burt Bacharach.
What the world...
Needs now...
Is love...
Sweet love.
No, not just for some...
But everyone.
Austin, get on with it.
I'm going to do it.
Right hand green!
You all right?
You know what?
Wait a tick.|I forgot something in the lobby.
Why don't I take the stairs?
Why take the stairs|when I could take the escalator?
Why take the escalator when|I've got a perfectly good canoe?
I know what--|I'll take the elevator.
Come have some champagne|with me.
Oh, I tripped.
I haven't had|this much fun since college.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that bug up your ass|had to die.
Always wanting to have fun,|that's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell.
Help! I'm in a nutshell!
How did I get|into this nutshell?
Look at the size|of this bloody great big--
What sort of shell|has a nut like this?
This is crazy.
Look at you.
You're smashed.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm the sensible one.
I'm always|the designated driver.
Kiss me.
I can't, darling.
You're drunk. It's not right.
I'm not drunk.
I'm just beginning to see...
what my mummy was talking about|all those years ago.
I can't.
Tell me all about my mummy|in the sixties.
I'm dying to know|what she was like.
She was very groovy.
Your dad loved her very much.
If there was one other cat|in this world...
that could have loved her...
and treated her as well|as your dad it was me.
But unfortunately|for yours truly...
that train has sailed.
Come on, roll over.
Sleepy time.
Austin needs his hand back.
This is Basil Exposition|from British Intelligence.
I want you to find out|what part Virtucon plays...
in something called|Project Vulcan.
Go to Alotta Fagina's|penthouse immediately.
Cheeky, huh?
Come on, baby, give it to me.
You seem surprised to see me,|Miss Fagina.
What do you want...|Mr. Cunningham, was it?
Your boss, Number Two...
I understand that cat's involved|in big underground drills.
How did you know?
I didn't, baby.
You just told me.
We can talk|about business later.
Let me slip|into something more comfortable.
Oh, behave.
Good God.
Come in...
and I'll show you|everything you need to know.
May I wash you?
Groovy, baby.
That feels yummy.
In Japan, men come first,|and women come second.
Or sometimes not at all.
Care for some sak?
Sak?it to me, baby.
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
I feel extreme relaxation.
How dare you|break wind before me?
I'm sorry.|I didn't know it was your turn.
Pardon me for being rude.
It was my food.
It just popped up|to say hello...
and now it's gone|back down below.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Let's make love...
you silly hairy little man.
I say! Hello, vicar.
That's the spot, all right.
That's the spot right there.|Look at that, now.
Austin Powers|is getting too close.
Any suggestions?
I have created the ultimate|weapon to defeat Austin Powers.
Bring in the fembots!
Go, fembots!
These are the latest word|in android replicant technology.
Lethal, efficient, brutal.
No man can resist their charm.
Send in the guards!
Kill these women.
Quite impressive.
Thank you, herr doctor.
I like to see girls|of that...caliber.
By caliber, of course...
I mean both the size|of their gun barrels...
and the high quality|of their character.
It's two meanings.|Caliber--it's a homonym.
Forget it.
At ease, boys.
I want to show you something.
We're going|to outfit you with this.
It looks like a watch,|but, in fact...
it's a geosynchronous|positioning device.
Very shagadelic.
And then there's this.
Let me guess.
The floss is garrote wire...
the toothpaste|is plastic explosives...
and the toothbrush|is the detonation device.
No, actually.
Since you've been frozen, there|have been fabulous advances...
in the field of dentistry.
What do you mean?
Here's Basil.
Let me bring you up to speed.
Dr. Evil has hijacked|a nuclear warhead...
from Kreplachistan.
Only two things scare me,|and one is nuclear war.
What's the other?
Excuse me?
What's the other thing|that scares you?
Circus folk.
Nomads, you know.
Smell like cabbage.
Small hands.
Perhaps these photographs are|the last piece of the puzzle.
I've uncovered the details|of Project Vulcan.
Oh, good God.|An underground missile?
Where did you find these?
Austin did some reconnaissance|work last night...
at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.
Our next move|is to infiltrate Virtucon.
Any ideas?
Virtucon runs a tour|of its facility every hour.
I thought we could disguise|ourselves as tourists...
and do some|on-site reconnaissance.
Top drawer, Kensington.
Austin,|I'd like you to meet somebody.
This is my mother--|Mrs. Exposition.
How do you do?
My God, man, what have you done?
That's not your mother.|It's a man, baby!
Get off! Come on!
Why won't this wig come off?
Hold on one second.
Let go of my mother!
Are you all right?
Austin, have you gone mad?
You have|a lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry.|I thought she was a man.
Damn it,|you're talking about my mother!
You have to admit,|she is rather mannish.
No offense,|but if that is a woman...
it does look like she was beaten|with an ugly stick.
Really, Austin.
Give in to the beauty of|your feelings and say the words.
Come on.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, son.
Group, we have some newcomers|here today with us.
Say hello to Scott|and his father Mr...Avil?
Evil, actually.
Hello, everybody.
Scott,|why don't we start with you?
What brings you here|with us today?
I just really met my dad|for the first time 5 days ago.
I was partially frozen|his whole life.
That is beautiful|that you can admit to that.
He comes back and wants me to|take over the family business.
But, Scott, who's going to|take over the world when I die?
Listen to the words he used--
Who's going to take over|the world when I die?"
It feels like that to some of us|sometimes, doesn't it?
What do you want to do, Scott?
I don't know.|I was thinking I like animals.
Maybe I'd be a vet.
An evil vet?
No.|Maybe work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
You always do that!
I think he hates me.
I really think|he wants to kill me.
Scott, we don't want|to kill each other in here.
We might say|that we do sometimes...
but we really don't.
Actually,|the boy's quite astute.
I really am trying to kill him,|but, so far, unsuccessfully.
He's quite wily,|like his old man.
This is what I'm talking about.
We've heard from you, Scott.
Now you tell us something|about yourself.
The details of my life|are quite inconsequential.
Please.|Let's hear about your childhood.
-Yeah.|-Come on.
Very well. Where do I begin?
My father was|a relentlessly self-improving...
boulangerie owner|from Belgium...
with low-grade narcolepsy|and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a 15-year-old|French prostitute named Chloe...
with webbed feet.
My father would womanize, drink.
He would make|outrageous claims...
Like he invented|the question mark.
Sometimes he would accuse|chestnuts of being lazy...
the sort of general malaise...
that only the genius possess|and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical--
summers in Rangoon,|luge lessons.
In the spring,|we'd make meat helmets.
When I was insolent...
I was placed in a burlap bag|and beaten with reeds.
Pretty standard, really.
At the age of 12,|I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14,|a Zoroastrian named Vilma...
ritualistically|shaved my testicles.
There really is nothing|like a shorn scrotum.
It's breathtaking.|I suggest you try it.
You know, we have to stop.
Austin,|can I have a word with you?
Of course you may, luv.
I know I'm being neurotic,|but I can't shake off...
this suspicious feeling|about that Italian secretary.
You know, Miss Fagina.
I don't want|to sound paranoid...
but I've had some|bad relationships in the past...
and I have been known|to be jealous.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, baby.
You're right to be suspicious.
I shagged her.
I shagged her rotten, baby!
I don't believe you.|She was repellent.
Saucer of milk, table two.
But did you use protection?
Of course. I had|my nine-millimeter automatic.
I meant did you use a condom?
Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Not in the nineties.
Well, they should,|those filthy beggars.
They go from port to port.
Don't have a thrombo.
Alotta meant nothing to me.
It means something to me.
If you want us|to have a relationship...
get it into your head|that times have changed.
You can't just go off|shagging anybody anymore.
And if you could, I wouldn't,|because I'm not like that.
You're everything to me.
You just don't get it, do you?
Good night, Austin.
Welcome to the nineties.
You're going to be very lonely.
Check this guy out.
Jimi Hendrix--deceased.
Janis Joplin.
Deceased, alcohol.
Mama Cass.
Deceased, ham sandwich.
That's great.|Is the lighting halfway decent?
Yes, indeed.|They got the flag up now.
You can see|the stars and stripes.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Good morning, Austin.
I sometimes forget...
you've missed out|on the last 30 years.
Fall of the Berlin Wall...
the first female|British Prime Minister...
end of apartheid.
Yeah, and I can't believe|Liberace was gay.
I mean, women loved him.
I didn't see that one coming.
The tour is about to begin...
so if you'll please|take your seats...
Welcome to Virtucon,|company of the future.
Virtucon is a leading|manufacturer of many items...
you can find|right in your very own home.
Do you think|she's prettier than me?
You know who.
Oh, the Italian bird.
No, baby. She's rancid.
I think you're shagadelic, baby.
You're switched on.|You're smashing.
We make steel,|petroleum products...
and volatile chemicals.
But don't worry|about the Italian bird.
She's the village bicycle.
Everyone's had a ride.
On your right,|you'll notice a door...
Leading to a restricted area.
Only authorized|personnel are allowed...
I'll take him.
You take her.
Let's go.
It's Bolton.|We've got a problem.
Intruders in the complex.
Watch out.
-Halt.|-This way.
Judo chop!
They're coming!
Hang on. I'm going to floor it.
Watch out. Move!
Careful, Austin.
Watch out!
Come on, let's go.
Thank goodness we made it.
Stay very cool, baby.
Welcome to my underground lair.
You're just in time.
Enjoy the show.
Gentlemen,|I give you the Vulcan...
the world's most powerful|subterranean drill.
Does that make you horny?
Not now, Austin.
So powerful, it can penetrate|the earth's crust...
delivering|a 50-kiloton nuclear warhead...
deep into the liquid|hot core of the planet.
Upon detonation, every volcano|on earth will erupt.
It seems we have no choice|but to pay your ransom.
You have my instructions.|Bye-bye.
Check it out, butt-head.|This chick has three boobs.
How many butts does she have?
Do you like|your quasi-futuristic clothes?
I designed them myself.
Scott, my boy, how are you?
How was your day?
My friend Sweet Jay took me|to that video arcade in town.
They don't speak English,|so Jay got into a fight...
and he's all, Quit hassling me|'cause I don't speak French."
And then the guy|says something in Paris talk...
and I'm like, Just back off."
And they're all, Get out."
And we're like, Make me."
It was cool.
What are your plans|for this evening?
I thought I'd stay in.
There's a good titty movie|on Skinimax.
And that's how you'd like|to live your life?
Pretty much.
Scott, I want you to meet|Daddy's nemesis Austin Powers.
Are you feeding him?|Why don't you just kill him?
I have an even better idea.
I'm going to place him in|an easily escapable situation...
involving an overly|elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you|just shoot him now?
I'll go get a gun.|We'll shoot him together.
It'll be fun. Bang!|Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you|and you are grounded, mister...
and I am not joking.
All right. Let's begin.
You really expect them to pay?
I expect them to die.
Even after they pay me|the money...
I'm still going to melt|every city on the planet...
with liquid hot magma.
Release the sharks!
You'll notice|that all the sharks...
have laser beams|attached to their heads.
I figure every creature|deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks.
When you were frozen...
they were put|on the endangered species list.
We tried to get some...
but it would've taken months|to clear up the red tape.
I have one simple request...
and that is to have sharks...
with fricking laser beams|attached to their heads!
Evidently, my cycloptic|colleague informs me...
that that can't be done.
Can you remind me|what I pay you people for?
Honestly, throw me a bone here.
What do we have?
Sea bass.
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
That's a start.
All right, guard...
begin the unnecessarily|slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Close the tank!
Aren't you even|going to watch them?
They could get away.
I'm going to leave them alone...
and not actually witness|them dying.
I'm just going to assume|it all went to plan.
I have a gun in my room.
You give me five seconds,|I'll get it.
I'll come back, boom!|I'll blow their brains out.
You just don't get it, do you?
You don't.
It's no hassle.
-Knock knock.|-Who's there?
Let me tell you a little story|about a man named shh!"
Even before you start,|that was a preemptive shh!"
Just know I have a whole bag|of shh" with your name on it.
What's your plan?
First, I plan to soil myself...
then I'm going to regroup|and come up with a new plan.
Any thoughts?
Wait a minute.
I always have this with me,|just in case.
I get it. I have bad teeth.
No, Austin. The floss is to|swing ourselves onto the ledge.
All right. Hold on.
Got it. OK. Toothpaste.
Judo chop!
Hang on!
Judo trip.
Not a good time|to lose one's head.
That's not the way|to get ahead in life.
It's a shame|he wasn't more headstrong.
He'll never be|the head of a major corporation.
That'll do.
What are we going to do?
There's an emergency exit.|Go get help.
I'm going to stay here|and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.
I'll hurry back.
Whatever happens,|I want you to know...
that I feel really bad|about that Italian bird.
What I'm trying to say is...
that if you want me|to be a one-woman man...
that's just groovy, baby.
Come, everyone.
Let us repair|to the main chamber.
Project Vulcan|is about to begin.
Scott, don't you want to see|what Daddy does for a living?
Blow me.
Excuse me?
Show me.
Position the Vulcan.
Bring in the warhead.
Care to have a little fun?
No, actually...|I have to save the world.
Is it cold in here?
Arm the probe.
I've got to get Dr. Evil.
Baseball, cold showers.
Give it up, Mr. Powers.
Margaret Thatcher|naked on a cold day.
Let's lock and load.
Right, lads.
-Don't go.|-Stay with us.
Please don't go.
You can't resist us.
Au contraire, baby.
I think you can't resist me.
It's not what it seems.
At ease, boys.
Vanessa, I can explain.
What happened was I broke in|trying to get to Dr. Evil.
Then all of a sudden,|the fembots came by...
and smoke started to come|out of their jumblies.
So I thought I'd work my mojo|to counter their mojo.
We got cross-mojonations, and|their heads started exploding.
You know, that thing, and I|ended up in my knickers here...
I believe you.
Now get dressed.
Smashing, baby.
Onward, boys.
Launching|the subterranean probe.
Begin initial|surface penetration.
Subterranean nuclear detonation|in three minutes and counting.
Watch out!
Right front!
Subterranean nuclear detonation|in three minutes and counting.
Oh, I tripped!
Open the fricking door!
Probe destruction|beginning in...
Now to Dr. Evil.
I want chicken, I want liver.
Meow Mix, Meow Mix,|please deliver.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Well done, Mr. Powers.
We're not so different,|you and I.
However, isn't it ironic,|the very things you stand for...
free love, swinging parties,|are all now in the nineties...
considered to be...evil?
What we swingers|were rebelling against...
is uptight squares like you...
whose bag|was money and world domination.
We were innocent, man.
If we'd known the consequences|of our sexual liberation...
we would have done things|differently...
but the spirit|would've remained the same.
It's freedom, baby.
Face it.
Freedom failed.
No, man, freedom didn't fail.
Right now, we've got freedom|and responsibility.
It's a very groovy time.
There's nothing more pathetic|than an aging hipster.
All right, baldy.|Shut your cakehole.
Come on. Let's go.|On your bike.
Not so fast.
It seems the tables have turned,|Mr. Powers.
Go ahead, Austin.|Don't worry about me.
I can take my Sega, right, Dad?
It seems the tables|have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Not really.|Kill the little bastard.
See what I care.
But, Dad, we just had|a breakthrough in group.
I had the group liquidated,|you little shit.
They were insolent.
I hate you!
I wish I was never|artificially created in a lab.
Scott, that hurts Daddy|when you say that, honestly.
Your timing is impeccable.
Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.
Dr. Evil, I've spent|30 years of my life...
turning this two-bit|evil empire...
into a world-class|multinational.
I was going to have|a cover story in Forbes.
But, you, like an idiot,|wanted to take over the world...
and you don't realize|there is no world anymore.
It's only corporations.
Silence, Number Two!
I've had enough of you|pushing me around.
I have a business proposition|you might find very interesting.
All right. I've had enough.
Judo chop!
The complex will self-destruct.
Let's split! Let's go!
This place is going to blow!
The complex will self-destruct.
This way, Austin.
Come on, baby! It's gonna blow!
Let's go. Move it!
I love you, Mr. Powers.
And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
That'll be Basil Exposition.
Ignore it, Austin.|Come back to bed.
Duty calls, baby.
I hope I'm not interrupting|your honeymoon.
No, not at all, Basil.
Did you get that fruit basket|I sent you?
Yes, we did, Basil,|but you sent too much.
I'm gonna have|to send some to my mother.
Don't forget these.
There you go.
Did you get my other gift?
We did.
Yes, Basil, nice rack.
But who in the world|gave us this drawing?
It's bizarre.
As you know, Dr. Evil|has escaped in his rocket...
which has disappeared|from our tracking system.
Hold on. Coffee?
And, Vanessa, by the way,|you have been made a full agent.
That's fantastic! Thanks.
And, Austin, Her Majesty|the Queen informs me...
that you are to be knighted.
Very shagadelic!
The best of luck|to both of you!
Thanks, Basil.
You know, Vanessa...
I'll never forget|the first time I saw you.
You were so|incredibly beautiful...
so incredibly sexy...
I knew I had to have you...
right then and there.
Did you feel the same way?
Actually, I couldn't stop|staring at your teeth.
I ordered some champagne.|Come in!
Lovely, Austin.
Right over there's fine.|Thank you.
Let's go out on the terrace.|It's a beautiful night.
We can look at the stars.
Smashing idea, baby.
Look at you.
Look out!
That really hurt!
I'm going to have a lump there,|you idiot.
Who throws a shoe? Honestly.
You fight like a woman.
Honestly, it's not mine.
No, use it.
Look how beautiful|the night sky is.
Isn't that the Big Dipper?
Yeah, and that looks|just like Uranus.
I've never seen|that big star before.
What is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you,|Austin Powers.
It's fricking freezing|in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Darling, you look fabulous.
All right. There we go.
Look at that face.|Show me. Come on.
There. Bit of hair.
It's coming around now.
It's not working!
Go change. There you go.
Can you change her?|Is that all right?
Very good.
And right here.|Looking right there.
I'm not even looking.
You're wicked!
You got your mojo|working overtime, darling.
I'm not even shooting it.|It's insane.
Can I get a smile?
Come on, you boys.|Get together.
Good. Loving it.
Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.
The winged horn.
Come on, Austin.|Give it to me.
Oh, behave.
You're an animal!
That's it.
Just the top of the hair.
Born and shoot.
Try it one more time.
And born and shoot.
That's it.
Let's go. Come on.
Ignore this.
Ignore me doing this.
Fabulous, darling.
Show me the eye.
Never get up. I'm spent!
We'll take you,|and we'll go out on the town...
and swing, baby.
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
BBC Three.
BBC Four.
BBC Five.
BBC Six.
BBC Seven.
BBC heaven.
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
BBC Three.
BBC Four.
BBC Five.
BBC Six.
BBC Seven.
BBC heaven.
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
What is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you,|Austin Powers.
It's fricking freezing|in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Darling, you look fabulous.
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