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(Feeble voice)|Dying, My Lords? - Am I dying?|- Never! - Never!|- Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours|till your recovery... Urgh-h! ..let us imagine|you were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands? To me, of course! Ye-es. To my beloved king. May your filthy soul|be prepared for Hell, my son. - Hell??|- Yes, Hell... where Satan belches fire and enormous devils|break wind both night and day. And where the mind is never free|from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free|from the pricking of little forks. No! Spare me the little forks! What is this nonsense? Hell...where the softest bits|of your nether regions are everybody's favourite lunch. Oh, Christ! Forgive me, sire.|I will change my will and leave my land to the Church. What? Blessed be thy stainless soul! Ah, you will change|your mind later. I know it! Urgh-h! I think...not! (Edmund)|Now, Baldrick, what news? I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester|has given birth to goblins. No, about the Duke of Winchester. - He's hanging on.|- Must be on his last legs. How many sets of legs|has that man got? I wish he'd make up his mind. This shilly-shallying|is so undignified. My Lord, I come with tragic news. Died at last, has he? - Who, My Lord?|- Oh, I see! You ask me what the message is|before you tell it to me. Quite brilliant, I must say! I was referring|to the Duke of Winchester. Who, My Lord? Let's try to sort this out|in words of one syllable, shall we? - Someone has died, yes?|- Yes, My Lord. Who is it that has died? The Archbishop of Canterbury,|My Lord. - Are you a cretin?|- Yes, My Lord. The Archbishop of Canterbury? Oh, no - the King has done it again. That's the third this year!|How did this one die? - 'Orribly, My Lord.|- Any details? 'Orribly is all I was given. - There you are!|- I come with tragic news. I've heard it. Will you go away? Edmund, the Archbishop|of Canterbury has met with|a most tragic accident. I think I've fathomed out|how it came about. I've a pretty shrewd idea myself. He was coming out|of the Duke of Winchester's room. Who had died,|leaving his lands to the Church? Well, yes. And so the King|was after his blood. I dare say, but then, round the|corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer. The King's hired killer? No, that tall fellow with no ears. That's him. He rushed towards|the Archbishop, head bowed, in order to receive|his blessing... and, er, unfortunately|killed him stone dead. How? Mortimer was wearing|a Turkish helmet. Oh, one of those|with a two-feet spike. Normally used for butting enemies|and killing them stone dead. So presumably he'd "forgotten"|he was wearing it? That's exactly|what the poor fellow had done. Tragic! Ah, yes, almost as tragic|as Archbishop Bertram being struck by|a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head. Quite. And nearly as tragic|as poor Archbishop Wilfred falling backwards|onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do|work in mysterious ways. I don't know how I'm going|to break it to his catamite. What a tragic accident, My Lord. Accident, my codling! (Percy)|Who do you think will take over? One of the bishop fellows,|I imagine. They tend to go for religious types. Rumour has it, My Lord, the King|wants to choose Prince Harry. Really? Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord? Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop! And we all know what happens|to archbishops, don't we? They go to Canterbury. No, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, yes! Are you sure about your source? It was Jane Smart - the one who told me about|the chocolate chastity belt. It was? Blimey! Well, with Harry gone... - the Black Adder will be...|- (Both) King...Next! Yes, today could be one of|the most important days of my life. Percy, I shall require|splendid garments for the ceremony. - Certainly. Hat, My Lord?|- Trojan, I think. - Boots?|- The Italian. - And codpiece, My Lord?|- Well, let's go... for the Black Russian, shall we?|It terrifies the clergy. (Braying laughter) (Organ) Any news, Baldrick? Apparently, Lord Wilders is|keeping his sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no. Fair enough. - Why are you dressed like this?|- Like what, sorry? Well, this enormous nonsense here. (Fanfare) Fingers crossed! Members of the court|and, er...clergy, I have...at last... after careful consultation with|Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ, and his insubstantial friend,|the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next archbishop. May he last longer in his post|than his predecessors. Fat chance! I appoint|to the Holy See of Canterbury my own son... ..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! Eeh-h! Archbishop, we salute thee! - Congratulations!|- D-D-Down! Oh! Use both hands.|Very good, very good! Well done, Harry!|(Knock) Enter! Ah, Your Majesty! Ha! My Lord Archbishop! There were just a couple of points|about my appointment, - before things are firmed up.|- Yes? - Firstly, could I...?|- No, you couldn't. Fine. And secondly... Don't be mistaken|about this appointment. I've always despised you. Well, you are my father,|of course. I mean, you're biased. You, compared to your beloved|brother Harry - ha-ha-ha! - are as excrement compared to cream. Oh, My Lord, you flatter me! And me, also. So when I've at last|found a use for you, - don't try to get out of it.|- No, no. Certainly not. I just wondered whether another man equally weak-willed and feeble|might do just as well. Ha! There's no such man! No, of course not. Silly me! I thought, though, perhaps,|someone who believed in God...? No, if I needed someone|who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry, not an embarrassing weed like you. Oh, well, I think|that's everything cleared up. Goodness! It must be|almost time for Evensong. Must go. Egbert! Come here. A word of advice. If you cross me now...or ever... I shall do unto you|what God did unto the Sodomites. I don't think that's a good idea! You understand? I shall make myself|available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. Flee! We've got the thumbscrews,|the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you r-ram... - Where's the dwarf?|- Here, My Lord. Right, let's go. - Archbishop!|- Aah... - H-Hail.|- Going somewhere? Um... Yes. Where? To C-Canterbury. Oh, good!|Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered|before your investiture. (The King)|Fresh horses! My Lord, if we're to catch the boat|for France, you'll have to hurry. To France? Um, are you off to France, Percy? I thought we all were. No, no. Harry and I are off|to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry? Oh, I see.|You've changed your plan. N-No. No, not really. The only change is if you could|go and put your face in some manure and follow me at a distance,|that would be fine. Harry? And another thing, Your Grace, suppose my right hand|offends me and I cut it off, what if my left hand|offends me too? What do I cut if off with? Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one. Yes. Here, who's that? I dunno, but that tall fellow,|he had a face full of manure. That's what I call style! (Ceremonial organ chords) Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father,|God the Son and God the Holy Ghost? (Bell tolls) Um, yes. I then name thee|Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. A-choo! (Blows nose noisily) (Narrator)|His investiture over, Edmund the Unwilling swiftly|adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his|father's threat hung over him, until one day... Tell me, exactly what did|God do to the Sodomites? I dunno, My Lord. I can't imagine it was worse|than they used to do to each other. Oh, my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get|My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate. - Eh?|- Get Percy! Get Percy! My life is hanging by a thread! And if I don't leave my lands|to the Church, then what? Then, Lord Graveney,|you will assuredly go to Hell. Alas! Hell... where the air is pungent|with the aroma of roasted behinds. No, no!|(Hacking cough) I place my lands|in the hands of the Church. And so bid the world farewell! What? The Archbishop|not yet arrived? Not yet, and even|if he did arrive... - Wait!|- Too late! Out of my way! I'll kill the pair of you!|I'll abolish the Church! My Lord! My Lord! Aa-ii-ee! I said, "Out!" Get out! Oh, My Lord, My Lord!|Wake up, wake up... Wake up! - Am I in Paradise?|- No, no. Not yet. Then this must be Hell.|Alas! Spare my posterior! No, you're all right -|it's England. And you are not Satan? No, I'm the Archbishop|of Canterbury. Oh, Your Grace, I have left|all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved? No, you treacherous swine!|I'll kill you! Wait! Let's just take this through|in stages, shall we? Um, you know, the Church|doesn't really need your lands. No, what it needs|is a damn good thrashing! But if I do not gain its blessing,|I will surely go to Hell! - Hell, where tiny tweezers...|- Get out! Someone like you go to Hell??|Never! Never! - I have committed many sins.|- Haven't we all?? - I murdered my father.|- I know how you feel! - Alas!|- Hurry up, Egbert! - I have committed adultery...|- Who hasn't? ..more than a thousand times... Well, it is 1487. - ..with my mother.|- What? You see, I will go to Hell. Hell, where growths like turnips|sprout out the nose... Kill him! Um, well, let's take Hell. Hell isn't as bad|as it's cracked up to be. - What?|- No, no, no, no. The thing about Heaven|is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things|that go on in Heaven, like singing, talking to God,|watering pot plants. Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like|the other sorts of things - adultery, pillage,|torture...those areas. Really? Mmm. Once you're dead,|you'll have the time of your life. Adultery, pillage -|through all eternity? Yep! Struck with large sticks|against your tender portions... Henry, it's your decision. Very well. I'll leave|my lands to the Crown and my soul|in the hands of the Lord. May he treat me like|the piece of refuse that I am and send me to Hell|where I belong. Amen! Amen. You're a lucky man. I wish I could come with you,|but being Archbishop... - I'm so sorry.|- It's OK. Ah-h! - My son!|- Father! - Father!|- My son! Who's that? Looks like the kind of pair|who would kill the Archbishop. Typical! (The King)|You Turkish dog! - You Turkish pig!|- Father, it's me! Pax! Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry.|You're improving. Yes. Well, thank you, Father.|Good night, Mother. He's gaining on me!|He's gaining on me! And how was Edmund? Oh, very well.|Chiswick! Fresh horse! And how are his dear little sheep? - Whose sheep?|- Edmund's sheep. What sheep? Well, the ones at Canterbury. His flock|that he was talking about. Oh, my God! I can't understand it.|Edmund doesn't even like religion. That's impossible.|He's the Archbishop of Canterbury! Yes, and the Archbishop|is also a naughty boy, whose bottom I smacked for relieving himself in the pond. That was a long time ago. It was last Thursday. Hell, the boy's turned out well. A long and healthy life to him! Ha! I thank God that|never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?" - What is that?|- Something Henry II said when he was having trouble|with Thomas a Becket. He was sitting with|two drunken knights and yelled, "Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?" What? Oh, God save us! I said, "Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?" Meaning who? The Archbishop|of Canterbury, of course! They went off|and killed him, of course! Right, let's get down to business. Business? Baldrick's been looking at ways of making a bit of money|on this job. Basically, there appear to be|four major profit areas. Curses, pardons, relics and selling|the sexual favours of the nuns. Selling?|Some people actually pay for them? Foreign business men,|other nuns, yes. Let's start with pardons. Well, this is a fair selection.|You seem to get what you pay for. They run from a pardon|for talking with your mouth full signed by an apprentice curate. How much is that? Two pebbles.|All the way up to this one, which is a pardon for anything: murder, adultery, dismemberment|of a friend or relative. - Who is that signed by?|- Both Popes. That's a good one. Curses are much the same.|I got this for half an egg. Curse. "Dear Enemy, I curse you and hope that something|unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head." That's the bottom end|of the market. They run to this one|for four ducats. "Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you|and all your kind." "May you be turned orange and may your head fall off|at an awkward moment." - Does this work?|- Yes. - Really?|- Yes! - Really?|- No! Moving on to relics,|we've got shrouds from Turin, wine from the wedding at Cana,|splinters from the Cross... and there's all the stuff|made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop. Pipe racks, coffee tables,|cake stands, book ends... crucifixes... a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls,|waterproof sandals... - I haven't finished this one yet.|- Disgraceful! - They're obviously fake!|- Ha! Yes. But how will people tell|which are the real relics? They won't. That's the point. Well, you won't be able|to fool everyone. Look! I have here a true relic. What is it? It is a bone|from the finger of Our Lord. It cost me 31 pieces of silver. Good Lord! Is it real?? It is, My Lord.|Baldrick, you stand amazed. I am. I thought|they only came in boxes of ten. I could've given you one of mine. Yeah, fingers|are really big now. But for a quick sale,|you can't beat a nose. This is the Sacred Appendage|Compendium Party Pack. Jesus's nose...|St Peter's nose... St Francis's nose... Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's. Bastard verger! I'll show him! I'll show him! Oh! - Hello.|- Good evening. And what can I do for you? Well, we're here to murder|the Archbishop of Canterbury... ..'s various enemies. - We fear he may be in danger.|- Really? How? Let me see.|Perhaps good King Richard, - angry with the Archbishop...|- Don't know why. ..might well send two drunken|knights fresh from the Crusades on a mission|to wreak vengeance on him. Good point. It has happened before. Sorry, I didn't|quite catch your names. - George de Boef.|- How do you do? Justin de Boinod. Two drunken knights|fresh from the Crusades and here on a mission|for King Richard, bless him! And your mission? We're here to kill... ..a bit of time...|before our next Crusade. Oh, right, yes. Well, I'll just go and get him. Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights|to see the Archbishop. Oh, my God! Monks! My Lord,|I've something to tell you. If it's about the nuns at Uppingham|and the candelabra, I've heard it. No, there's two men outside|who've come to kill you. What? I-I'm terribly sorry about this.|I'll just see what the delay is. Feel free. Look, what's going on? Those two men have come to kill us! Oh, just because they've a bit of|class, you assume they're killers! Oh, my God, there's no way out! Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us! They've dropped off! - Ya-ah-h!|- Ya-a-ah! Damn! They must have gone down|the secret passage to the nunnery. Ya-a-ah-h! Sisters, three men came in.|Which way did they go? (Falsetto)|Oh, I think they went that way. God bless you! Wait! They'll be watching out|for us dressed like this. Quick! In here! (They titter nervously) Pray, Sister, have you seen|two burly knights pass this way? (Cracked falsetto)|Er, no, Sister. More's the pity! Why don't you try that way? - (Normal voices) Thanks.|- You're welcome. And yet, Mother Superior, does not St. Paul say|in The Ephesians, "A woman is like a bat - "often heard but never seen."? No, I don't think so, Sara. Shall we check the dormitory? Oh, yes, Mother Superior.|Good idea! Girls! Girls! Girls! I've told you a thousand times, fighting in the dormitories|is forbidden! Who is the ringleader? You! Yes, you, the plain girl! Oh, my God!|It's the Archbishop of Canterbury! And a man! Ooh-h! Er, I think I can explain.|(Giggles weakly) And that, sweet lady,|is the whole story. Let's go over the facts again. Once appointed Archbishop, you found all your interests lay|in beautiful vestments. Ah, the fine embroidery! Unable to resist|the slide into depravity, you began to|dress up like a nun. The irresistible texture|of the hessian underthings! I can understand that. Then you forced|the Bishop of Ramsgate and Brother Baldrick to do so also. Oh, may I be cursed for it! Finally,|you got two knights drunk and invited them to wrestle|with you inside the nunnery - in a heathen orgy.|- That's it, yes. It bears the ring of truth|and I must therefore tell you that I have written to all Popes|recommending your excommunication. Never more may you be|Archbishop of Canterbury! Oh, dear! Enough, Sister Sara.|I think he's learnt his lesson. Sorry? Oh. Ow! Ow! Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom! (Ominous organ chords) Quick! The nunnery's on fire! # The sound of hoofbeats|cross the glade # Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter # Beware the deadly flashing blade # Unless you want to end up shorter # Black Adder, Black Adder # He rides a pitch-black steed # Black Adder, Black Adder # He's very bad indeed # Black his gloves of finest mole # Black his codpiece made of metal # His horse is blacker than a vole # His pot is blacker|than his kettle # Black Adder, Black Adder # With many a cunning plan # Black Adder, Black Adder, # You horrid little man! # Alas! The corruption of the world! Yes, alas! I'm tired and weary.|You may leave. - Very well.|- Alas. Presumably you won't be|needing the unicorn tonight? No. No, not tonight, Sara. |
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Baseball Bugs (1946) Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951) Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942) Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944) Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954) Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953) Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949) Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946) Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948) Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949) Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948) Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952) Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943) Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941) Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952) Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950) Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951) Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952) Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950) Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949) Bugs Life A Bullet Ballet Bullet in the Head Bulletproof Monk 2003 Bullets Over Broadway Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition) Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994) Burnt Money Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition Butchers Wife The |