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St Juniper once said,|"By his loins shall ye know him, "and by the length|of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod|is a mystery to all but the Queen and a thousand Turkish whores! But the fruits of my loins|are here for all to see. I have two sons - Harry and another one. Step forward, Harry,|Prince of Wales. Harry, I hereby name thee|Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the Eastern|and Northern Marches, Chief Lunatic of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales,|Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord Po-maker in Ordinary,|and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat! Step forward, the other one! Thy titles have been but few - Duke of Edinburgh|and Warden of the Royal Privy. It is so, My Lord. We thank thee, Egbert,|for thy work in Edinburgh. We relieve thee of thy heavy task, and give the dukedom to our cousin,|Hastings. Many happy returns, Tom. I have discharged|the duties of Juniper! Chiswick, fresh horses!|We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent|to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks, and shout, "Behold,|I honour thee most highly!" (Fanfare and cheering) It could've been worse, My Lord. I thought you might lose the privy! No! It...will...not...do! Er, no, My Lord, you're right. I must clear away|the chaff from my life, then let shine forth|the true wheat of greatness! - Do it at once, My Lord!|- Very well. Percy, you are dismissed|from my services. Me? Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort|for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings|off a village idiot! You ride a horse rather less well|than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain|of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you|that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed,|wouldn't be worth mentioning, even if it could be! If you put on a floppy hat|and a furry codpiece, you might pass as a fool,|but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up|and gave you a haircut, I doubt it! So you are dismissed! - Oh, I see.|- And as for you, Baldrick... - My Lord?|- You're out, too. Fair enough. Will you go back|to shovelling dung in the gutter? - Shouldn't think so.|- No? No, it took me years|to get that job. I'll muck out the lepers|or something. Really? It'll be years before|I get back to shovelling dung. - Get out of my way!|- Going on a journey, My Lord? No, I'm going to|stand here all day. So you'll need a horse-tender? If I did, I wouldn't take you!|Look at you! What is your profession? One, two, three! One, two, three! My God! A retired morris dancer!|That's all I need! If you can keep up,|you can come. Hah! Here he comes now. Oh, my God! (Irish accent)|So, Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at an end. Prepare to be strung by your|codlings and bound on that tree. Never! (Screams) (Groaning) Sir Wilfred Death. Edmund. I'm looking for some men|to take over the kingdom. How many have you got so far? So, we are agreed - he who wins takes the horse. There is our mark.|You shoot first. Yeah. That's good. So good, in fact, I'm going to have to... ..cheat. Three-fingered Pete! Good evening... and surrender.|Your money or your life. Here. Take it.|It's all the money I have. Thank you. Now, let me pass. Damn! I'm always doing this. Did I say,|"Your money or your life"? - You did.|- Sorry. Slip of the tongue. Your money and your life. Sorry. Thanks, Ned. See you Thursday. - Guy!|- Wilfred! Now, what we need|is a real bastard! Sean, the Irish bastard! (Cork pops) Pity the blind, sir. Pity the blind, kind sir. 'Ere! Business is|very quiet this morning! Aye, everyone's gone to lunch. Sean! (Pop!) Friar, I fear greatly|for her chastity. Alas, such is|the way of the world. The sweetest rose too often is... plucked too soon. Yes. I wondered... if you would take her|while I'm gone. Yes. The answer is yes. I shall. Friar Bellows! (Pop!) Doing the Lord's work? I'm administering extreme unction! So, who shall be|our seventh, Wilfred? Need I say? Jack! Not Mad Bully-boy Jack,|grave-robbing assassin of Aldwych? - No.|- Then Crazed Animal Jack, the cattle-rustling cannibal|from Sutton Coldfield? No. Then yer man Saint Jack O'Hooligan, the man-hatin' goat-murderer|of Dingle Bay? - No.|- Surely not Canon Jack Smulley, senior Archdeacon, entrail-eating|heretic of Bath and Wells? No. I'm talking|of Unspeakably Violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer|of no fixed abode. Are you sure he's the kind of chap|we're looking for? Yes! And here he comes. What do you think you're doing? - Are you with us, Jack?|- Aye! ..so I kissed her on her left foot! (Drunken laughter and cheering) Tell me, Jack,|what is your second name? Large. Jack Large! Then in our band,|you shall be known as Large Jack! Why? Well...because you are so little. Why not Little Jack, then? Well, because Large Jack|is more amusing. - Is it?|- Very well, then - Little Jack. Do you wish to mock my size? N-N-No! Of course not.|Um, innkeeper! - Some more beer!|- Hurray! Six large beers... and, er...and another large beer! Hurray! - Let us then go onto the plan.|- Ah, the plan! First, a motto for our enterprise. - Blessed are the meek...|- (All) Eh?! ..for they shall be slaughtered! - Hurray!|- Wait, wait! The plan! - The plan!|- I thought it was the plan. Let's get those meek bastards now!|(Cheers) Quiet! Who wants quiet? I want chaos! And slaughter! And flowers... - (All) What?|- ..mercilessly crushed underfoot! - Silence!|- Silence! Silence! Peace! The word of the Lord! For Christ's sake,|let's hear the plan! Very well. The plan is simple. - Not cunning?|- Get on with the plan! Well, it's cunning|in its simplicity. Tonight I ride for home. I say strike now|while the iron is hot! But the iron isn't hot! - Isn't it?|- No, it's just... er, warming up. But when it is hot,|then we will strike. Do we have to wait till summer? - No, when the iron is hot.|- What iron? - Right. I shall send for you all.|- How? - Well, by a message, a sign.|- What sort of sign? Well, um...|something black...probably. - Black pudding?|- Not quite. A messenger|with the black plague, perhaps? - That's better.|- He means to kill us! No, I mean a messenger|with black...hair. Ahh! - A black-headed messenger!|- That's it. And when he comes to you,|drop whatever you are doing, and speed with haste|to Jasper's Tavern. - How is old Jasper?|- Dead. - How?|- I killed him. Then, I shall take you|to the castle where we will capture the King|and the Queen and the Prince. Hurray! I'll say,|"The Kingdom of Albion is ours!" Hurray! "You are doomed|to lives of exile. Get out!" Exile? Yes, exile! For life! But why don't we just kill them? Well...I suppose|we could kill them...Yes! (Enthusiastic growls)|Wait! Wait till I send the sign. By a messenger|with blackheads all over his face! How do we know it isn't a trap? Because...the Black Adder|gives you his word. We want your word,|not this Black Adder fellow's! But...I am the Black Adder. - Ohh.|- Oh, I see. And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England. Hurray! We few! We happy few! We band of ruthless bastards! Hurray! - All for one...|- ..and each man for himself! (Laughter) You're in a merry mood, My Lord! Oh, yes. No-one can stop me now! - No-one?|- No, no-one! Except perhaps... No, not even him. And who might that be, My Lord? Well...there was a man. Philip of Burgundy... known to his enemies as... the Hawk. We were deadly childhood rivals. Although, of course, in those days|he was known as the Thrush! No-one's heard of him for years. Well, come on. Let's go.|We've got work to do. Not so fast, Edinburgh! This Hawk - did he|look something like...this? Mmm... Not really, no. Oh, my God! Philip of Burgundy! Known to my enemies as... ..the Hawk! But...but your horse...|used to be a huge, brown... Yes. Yes, that's the one. Well...it's been|very good to see you, er...Phil! - This time, not fast enough!|- What do you want with me? I'll tell you later! I return at last after 15 years. And what have you been up to? Waiting, nurturing my hatred|and planning my revenge. So you've kept yourself busy? Yes. 15 years in France|teaches a man to hate. 15 years of wearing perfume! 15 years of eating frogs! 15 years of saying "par-don"! - And all because of you!|- But surely...the scenery... I never went outside. The smell! What has this got to do with me? Because, Edmund,|it is going to take you 15 years to die! - 15 years?|- Yes! How? It'd be more amusing|if you found out yourself. But it has something to do with... ..snails. Argh! Where are you going? To kill the royal family and claim the throne|that isn't mine by right! Dear Lord, who made the birds and the bees, and the snails, presumably, please help me, a little animal, too,|in my despair. I have been a sinner, but now I intend to follow|the path of the saints, particularly|the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, Son,|and Holy Ghost, amen. - Amen!|- What? - Amen, I said!|- Argh! Did I get it wrong? I haven't|heard that word for 20 years. Who are you?|I didn't realise I had company! "Company"? I haven't heard|that word for 20 years either! Or "realise"! I'd forgotten! - Realise!|- You're not mad, are you? Yes, I'm very mad, thank you. Mad! That's the words I know.|I say them every day. I say, "How are you, Mad Gerald?" I say,|"I'm completely mad, thank you." "Not much change, then, Gerald?" "No, you'd be mad to expect any." - Right...|- I am mad! - I'm Mad Gerald!|- Quiet! Ssh! Look, this may seem|a stupid question... Question, yes. ..but do you know if|there's a way out of here? A way out? (Manic laughter) (Manic laughter continues) A way out, you say? I haven't heard those words|- a way out - for...ooh... - 20 years?|- Yes! Yes, 20 years. Not like Mr Rat. - I'm always saying, "Mr Rat".|- Who? Mr Rat! I tend to say,|"Good morning, Mr Rat. "How are you today?"|And he says, um... "Meep, meep, meep, meep!" (Water drips) (Laughs again) No, you mustn't be rude|about Mr Rat. He's my best friend. Eek! - Yes.|- Eek-eek! Well... There's him and there's Mr Key. - What?|- Mr Key! I made him...out of my own teeth. Good morning, Mr Key. (Gerald)|Close the bloody door! Stop! Stop!|Where are you going? I'll tell you where. Wherever I can sell|these six black homing pigeons. Black homing pigeons? Well, mostly. - How much are they?|- Six shillings. Oh, damn! If you beat me|and tied me to that tree, you could have 'em for less! Right. At the striking of ten bells, I shall claim the throne.|(Pop!) (Bong!) (Bong!) (Bong!) Ssh! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ssh! (Hiccups) Gentlemen, to what|do I owe this pleasure? (Someone is running up the stairs) To me, Burgundy! Edmund! I had not expected|to see you again. No. Dead men don't tend|to make social calls! - Prepare to die!|- Wait! Let me say just one last thing. If these men are indeed|as they seem, the six most evil men|in the land... They are!|Your last sentence, please? They've made an odd choice|for their leader, Lord Warden of the Privy! What? You think|they should've chosen you, Thrush? (All laugh) A man twisted|by unbridled ambition. (All)|Huh? A man tortured|by insatiable greed! (All)|Oh? - The most evil man in the world!|- Oh! They should've chosen you? - (All) Yes!|- But he's a mindless killer! - Hurray!|- He'll destroy the kingdom! - Hurray!|- He murdered his own family. - Who didn't? I killed mine.|- I killed mine! - And I killed yours.|- Did you? - Yes.|- Good on you, Father! - Are you with me, then?|- Yes! Prepare to die! Wait! I have|a more...amusing method. Amusing for whom, I wonder? Gentlemen! (All gasp in wonder) - Bravo!|- Well done! In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers.|(Cheering) The shears will cut off your ears! - Both of them?|- Yes. These axes|will chop off your hands. I do not think|we need go into the attributes of the codling grinder! These feathers here will tickle you|under what's left of your arms. And that is the amusing part! (Cheering) Gentlemen, let us slaughter|the rest of the royal family. - God save the King!|- (All) 'Cos nobody else will! Stop! Let us relieve these wenches|of their delightful burden, and drink a toast|to our enterprise. May good thrive! (All)|Over our dead bodies! (All)|Aaagh! Mmm, it's got a bit|of a sting in its tail! (Edmund)|Urrgh! Eeegh! Ha-ha-ha... - Oh, Edmund!|- Edmund! Edmund! He lives!|(Cheering) Father... You called me Edmund! Sorry. Edgar! How are you? Not so well. Harry... ..what do you think my chances are? - Oh, good. Good.|- He will live? Hmm? Oh, no. I thought you meant|your chances of going to heaven. Oh, damn... Never fear, my son. Your body may be mutilated|beyond recognition, but your spirit will live forever! My Lords... - What did you say?|- I give you Edgar! I told you to poison|the Black Seal's goblets, not the whole vat! What is it? The Black Dagger! - (All) The Black Dagger!|- (Faintly) Adder! May his name|last as long as our dynasty! Good Lord! I wonder if it was the wine... No. Seems perfectly all right to me. And now, at last, I shall be King of E... # So now the wage of sin is paid # The blade has stuck|The black steed grazes # The only sound across the glade # Is Edmund pushing up the daisies # Black Adder # Black Adder # A shame about the Plan # Black Adder # Black Adder # Farewell, you horrid man # Don't drink the wine! |
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