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Get out, libidinous swine! And take that whore slut|painted strumpet with you! May you both rot|in the filth of your own fornication! - And what did you say to him?|- Say, Madam? I said nothing. I pulled up my tights|and jumped out of the privy window. Edmund, you are so naughty! Well, I try, Madam. And then ten minutes later when|I've got my breath back, I try again. Perhaps we can move on|to more important matters. - Must we?|- I fear so. Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped... .. and begs you to pay the ransom.|- Edmund, what would you say? I have had experience of this dreadful situation. Last year my aunt asked for my help|in the ransom of my Uncle Osric. Then you know something|of the dreadful pain involved. And can suggest no better answer|than the one I gave to her. - Which was?|- "Get stuffed." You would jest over a young man's life? For young man read young idiot. Anyone stupid enough|to let some mustachioed dago say: "Excuse me, Meester"|and hit them over the head... ..deserves everything they get. - You're in good fooling this morning.|- Thank you, Baldrick. I heard quite an amusing story|myself the other day. Oh, good! - Excuse me, Meister.|- Yes, what is it? I said: "What is it?",|not hit me on the head with... I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke. He is obviously very stupid,|but we can't punish people for that. If we did, Nursie would|have been in prison all her life. A very piquant observation, Majesty. So I will sign this ransom,|but it must be the last. Absolutely the last! Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die. - Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?|- All right. I'll cross that out. Here you are. Sorry about the smudge. - Excuse me, Meister.|- Yes? Oh, God! What on earth|was I drinking last night? My head feels like|there's a Frenchman living in it. Where am I? - Who's that?|- It is I, Melchett. You really ought to get your house cleaned up. This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.|We've been kidnapped! How incredibly embarrassing! As private parts to the gods are we!|They play with us for their sport. Oh, God. Who's that? If anyone is going to be spoken to,|it is going to be me. - Tell him, Melchy.|- Certainly. That's better. Now, what's he saying? He would like a word with you. - Anything else?|- He would like to torture you as well. Am I addressing a senior dignitary|of the Spanish Inquisition? Good. Because if I am, I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything. No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador. For God's sake! How can you question me... ..when you don't speak English? All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected|Indo-European language... ..derived from dialects of... How's that! Percy! Who's Queen? Whoops! Butterfingers! - So I win again.|- Yes. Well done, Majesty. There's definitely been no sign of Edmund? - I fear not, Ma'am.|- Why, then he has vanished. Like an old oak table. Vanished, Lord Percy. Not varnished. Forgive me, my Lady,|but my uncle's old oak table vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that same terrible night... ..his house and all his other things|completely vanished too. So did he, in fact.|It was a most perplexing mystery. Lord Percy? It's up to you. Either you can shut up,|or you can have your head cut off. I'll shut up. Bastardo! Barrister. - Bastardo.|- Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing. Rogering! Pregnant. Baby. Bathwater! Sounds like... Bastard. Donkey! Big bastard. Little bastard. Boy, man, father. I'm a bastard's son. Thirsty. Thirsty bastard. Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, dog! Right, dog. Woman. Woman, dog. Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch! In that case, you're a fornicating baboon. - Que?|- Oh dear! - You...|- Tu? Fornicating.. Yes. I can't really do it in this box. - Tus testiculos.|- My... Yes, those... - Sobre un fuego grande.|- Over a large... Fire! I got it. So, let's recap. If I admit that I'm in love... No! Sorry! Head-over-heels in love|with Satan and all his little wizards, ..you will remove my testicles|with a blunt instrument... ..resembling some kind of gardening tool, ..and roast them over a large fire. If I don't admit that I'm in love|with Satan and his little wizard... ..you will hold me upside down|in a vat of warm marmelade. And remove my testicles with a blunt... Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan. Oh, it's a scythe. I don't know. I've looked everywhere. Perhaps... They're not hiding at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped! Nonsense! Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped". Do they?! Stop! Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my appoloaggies. I accept nothing from a man who|imprisons his guests in a commode. I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you. It takes more than a maniac|trying to cut off my goolies. If he had inconweenienced you,|I was going to offer you his tongue. Believe me, sir. If he had inconweenienced me, ..you would not have a tongue|to make such an offer. Let me assure you, Blackadder,|if I no longer had a tongue... ..you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me|that if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue|with which to offer you his tongue. Yes, well. Enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath? - You do not remember me?|- I don't believe I've had the pleasure. On the contrary. We have met many times. You knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black|marketeer and smuggler called Otto... ..with whom you used to|dine and plot and play... ..at the Old Pizzle in Dover? - My God! I was the waitress! I don't believe it! You? Big Sally? "Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?" But I went to bed with you, didn't I? For my country,|I am willing to make any sacrifice. Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic! Indeed you were, Mr Floppy! - Now, would you mind?|- "Such a disappointment for a girl..." "It really doesn't matter!|We'll try again in a few minutes." We are proud of our comic|serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say zur instead of sir. The tedious little turd|who keeps putting on amusing voices. - Be quiet!|- What else in your repertoire? A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt. An hilarious black man:|"Where am dat watty-melon..." I can't wait for your side-splitting poof... ..and that funny croaky one|who isn't anyone in particular. I like the one you do all the time.|The fat-headed German chamberpot. You talk too much, Blackadder. I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea|that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you... ..I have given the Queen a week|to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly. She will pay up. And within a week,|you die. Howwibly, howwibly. You find yourself amusing, Blackadder. I try not to fly in the face of public opinion. A week from now you'll be|less in the mood for being amusing. Well, at least I can be amusing. Choose your next witticism carefully,|it may be your last. Guards! Fetch his friend. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei... Oh no, please! - We meet again.|- Don't think we've had the pleasure. - You do not recognise me, then?|- No... Let me refresh your memory.|In Cornwall, at the monastery. - The old shepherd.|- Good Lord! Dimkins? Yes! I was one of his sheep. - One of his sheep? Not Flossy?|- Yes! - But didn't we?|- Yes, Lord Melchett. - Baa!|- Oh, my God! But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh? The guard has found an interesting|document in your clothing. The Queen will only pay one ransom. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to be|spanked until my bottom goes purple. She has a difficult choice in front of her. Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.|Life is overrated, I reckon. Well, gentlemen, if you'll|excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots don't|just make themselves, you know. Dear Qveen. I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible,|have your two friends, ..and you must shoose between them. The ransom is one million crona. Many, many appoloaggies|for the inconweenience. What a difficult choice! It isn't the first difficult choice|you've ever made, little tadpole. In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk? But then left breasty-dumpling|or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it was always|both breasty-dumplings. Shut up, Nursie! This is very confusing. Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits. Certainly, Ma'am. Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. You're it! Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down. What say you, Blackadder,|I sing a song to keep our spirits up? That depends on whether you want|the slop-bucket over your head. Well, perhaps some pleasant word game. All right. Make a sentence|out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut. We must do something to relieve|our minds of the fate that awaits us! Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.|How's my beard looking? Alas! Shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows... And her playful sheep. - About time.|- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived. Well, thank God! I'm sick|of this place. It's like a prison in here. I shall read it to you. Typical master criminal.|Loves the sound of his own voice. After careful deliberation|the Queen has decided... ..to extend the ransom money on... ..a big party. Just impossible|to decide between my two faves. I've decided to keep the cash,|have a whizzy-jolly time... ..and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee! What?! "Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!" As you can imagine,|this makes me very unhappy. Oh, I am sorry! But if you gentlemen were to tell me|a way to gain access to your Queen, ..I might just be able to commute|your death to a life sentence. - Are you suggesting we betray her?|- Oh yes. All right. Blackadder! What are you saying?|What of loyalty? Honour? - What of them?|- Nothing. - So you will both play ball?|- Yep. Oh, what joy! See how you collapse before me,|great and incorruptible English nobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips? Gloating is a sign of insecurity. Do you want to know how to get the Queen? I thought some kind of disguise.|I do a good Mary Queen of Scots. Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid? - What sort of party should it be?|- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress. - Nursie?|- I think it should be one of those... ..where everybody comes with nothing on at all. Shut up, then! I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain. If we're to forget our woes, then we|should have as much fun as possible. What's more fun than people dressed|as frogs and rabbits and nuns? - And bits of wood.|- You're not going as a bit of wood. - Aren't I?|- No! How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil? You always talk like this|and always end up as the same thing. - Do I?|- Yes, you know you do. Lassie, what does Nursie come|to fancy dress parties dressed as? - I thought everybody knew.|- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her. She always comes as a cow. Yes, that's right!|A lovely cow with great lovely udders. I swiggle around going "moo". "Come to Nursie Cow,|you lovely little heifers!" What fun! - I want to be a cow again, please?|- Shut up! - Isn't Nursie stupid?|- She certainly is, Ma'am. You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten|about those chaps in prison. What chaps? Ein, zwei, ein, zwei... My friends, I come to bid you farewell. The guards will die of old age, but|their sons will attend to your needs. Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape. With your information, I intend to|bring down your Queen and country. The Master of Disguise will become|the Master of the World. - One thing, Ludwig, before you go...|- What? - Were you ever bullied at school?|- What do you mean? This ranting and raving about power,|there must be some reason for it. At my school having dirty hair|and spots was a sign of maturity! I bet your mother made you|wear shorts right up to your final year. Shut up! When I am King of England, no-one|will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot! Touched a nerve there, I think. What good is it going to do us|if we're doomed to die here? Don't worry, I have a plan. With Ludwig gone, we won't have|trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency,|I've been watching their routine. I've selected the moment|when they're most vulnerable. - That is when we will attack them.|- How? That is the most cunning bit... Ein, zwei, ein, zwei... This is it. Don't forget,|when they're at their most vulnerable. Halt! Jingle the keys! Open the door! Greeting to the prisoners! Guten Abend, Englander-scum.|March to the table! Ein, zwei, ein, zwei... Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei! Spit on the food: ein, zwei! Insulting further gestures|to the prisoners: ein, zwei! Now! Trust me to get the hard one! Off with their heads! Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again! Bally well hope not,|or else I won't be Queen anymore! Yours is pretty good, too. What is it? It's nothing, Ma'am.|Just a mere trifle I threw together. Doesn't look like a trifle.|Looks more like a fruit salad. I see Nursie's really excelled herself. Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though. - What are you meant to be?|- A pencil case. Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison. Then a trip with a couple|of little friends to the executions. If I wanted my little friends executed, that is. How I do wish Edmund could be here. He always loved parties, ..and always, always wore very, very tight tights. Edmund who? Edmund Blackadder! - Oh, Edmund. But...|- Have I ever missed a party? - But what about Lord Melchett?|- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too. Joy beyond measure! Bliss|which cannot be counted on fingers. Baa! - Sorry, Edmund?|- Nothing. Yes, unfortunately, apart from|my nose getting a little prettier, ..nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't house-trained,|Percy's still unemployed, ..and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle. - Moo!|- Thank you for reminding me. Nursie! You've killed Nursie! That's horrid. Guards! Take him away and execute him! Can anyone help me with my udders? - Nursie?|- Yes. May I introduce you to our captor,|Prince Ludwig the Indestructible! Queen Elizabeth, we meet again. No, I don't think so, actually. Remember when you were young... ..your father used to take you riding|on a magnificent grey pony... ..that you used to|kiss and fondle in the stable yard. I was the tall and attractive|German stable-lad who held him. - No!|- Yes! Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot? You will regret the day|that you mocked my complexion! I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! No, you will die and be buried. Hurray! Strange man. But how did you know it was him? This was the information|with which we bought our lives. We said: If the Queen's having a party,|Nursie always goes as a cow. All we had to do was escape,|return and kill the cow. How could you be sure it was not Nursie? Because Ludwig was a master of disguise. Nursie is a sad, insane old woman|with an udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one|that looked like the cow. That was Ludwig's mistake.|His disguise was too good! Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home. - I must say it's good to be back.|- Welcome, Edmund. - Did you miss me?|- I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself:|"I wish Percy was here..." "..being tortured instead of me." - We have missed your wit!|- Did you miss me, my lord? Baldrick, is it? No, not really. And me. Did you miss me, Edmund? Madam, life without you was like... ..a broken pencil. - Explain?|- Pointless. # Beware all ye who lust for fame|The path of life is most uncertain # Prince Ludwig thought he'd won|But now the Kraut's gone for a burton # Blackadder! Blackadder!|He beats the Hun by luck # Blackadder! Blackadder!|He's smarter than a duck # Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!|Intelligent and deep # Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!|A shame about the sheep Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy! If I can just get the voice right. |
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