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BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988

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Blackadder, Blackadder...
In the reign of good Queen Vic,
there stood, in Dumpling Lane in Old London Town,
the moustache shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder,
the kindest and loveliest man in all England.
He's kind and generous to the sick
He'd never spread a nasty rumour
He never gets on people's wick
And doesn 't laugh at toilet humour
Blackadder, Blackadder
He's sickeningly good
Blackadder, Blackadder
As nice as Christmas pud
Humbug! Humbug!
- Humbug, Mr Baldrick? - Oh, thank you very much.
I 've got all the presents.
And I 've nearly finished the Christmas cards.
Splendid, let me see.
"A very messy Christmas." Sorry, Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be "merry"?
"A merry messy Christmas"? All right, but it must be "messy".
Messy cake, soggy pudding, big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
Yes... I fear, Mr Baldrick,
the only way you'd get a big wet kiss at Christmas,
or any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet.
Be that as it may... "A merry messy Christmas."
"Christmas" has an "H" in it, Mr Baldrick.
And an "R".
Also an "I" and an "S", also a "T", an "M", an "A" and another "S".
And you've missed out the "C".
Congratulations, Mr Baldrick, a triumph.
You're the first to spell Christmas without getting a single letter right.
I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.
- How did it go? - Not very well
At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died.
Oh, dear, this high infant mortality rate's a real devil
when it comes to staging quality children's theatre.
- What did you do? - Got another Jesus.
Thank goodness. His name?
There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog.
I'm not convinced that Christianity would've established
its firm grip over the hearts of mankind
if all Jesus ever said was "Woof!!"'
It went all right till the shepherds came on.
We weren't able to get real sheep, so we stuck some wool...
..on some other dogs.
Yeah, and the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away.
While the angel's singing "Peace on Earth, goodwill to mankind",
Jesus scampers across and tries to get a sheep to give him a piggyback.
Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick.
- Weren't the children upset? - No, they loved it.
Oh, the playful young scamps, eh?
Still what a lovely thought it is,
at this moment, all over the country,
from highest to lowest,
through those charming plump folk somewhere in the middle,
everyone is enjoying Christmas.
- What are you doing, Albert? - Nothing.
Oh, yes, you are, you naughty German sausage!
- Tell me what you're doing. - Nothing!
When you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what you're doing.
Why should I tell you when I am busy
wrapping this cushion for your surprise Christmas present?
Dem! Now I have only two surprise presents for you.
Oh, dear Alby, don't worry, I don't mind.
I do. I love surprises.
Christmas without surprises is like the nuts without the nutcracker.
Which is why I have brought you this surprise nutcracker...
Dem! Dem!
Darling Bobo, don't worry. Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
- What? - Our traditional Christmas adventure.
Yes, of course, the traditional Christmas adventure! Huzzah!
What traditional Christmas adventure?
You silly soldier!
When we disguise ourselves as common folk and go amongst the people
to reward the virtuous and the good.
Yes, of course, Dummkopf, how could I forget!
Das ist nicht ausgezeichnet!
It is precisely for such an outing
that I have bought you my final surprise present,
this muff, which I'm going to give you tomorrow...
Dem! Dem! Dem!
Excellent! What a splendid spread!
Nuts, turkey and presents.
What more could one desire at Christmas?
Well a tree.
Of course, I quite forgot.
I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium
and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain
on this special Christmas twig.
- It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it? - Yes, but size isn't important.
It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it.
Besides, we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.
- How much is it? - £17 and a penny.
It'd be lots more if you didn't give so much to the poor.
Yes, but in the feeling good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.
I wish we weren't doing so well
in the short-of-pressies-gullible-prat ledger.
Well bless my ten toes, who could that be on this cold night?
Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings on this merry Yuletide Eve.
Oh, Mr Blackadder!
How can I be merry when we're so poor
we'll have nothing to eat on Christmas Day,
except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails?
No goose for Tiny Tom this year!
Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone and built like a brick privy.
If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.
Dear me! There must be something we can do.
Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need.
- How much? - A quid a match.
Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts.
Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so, here, take £10.
So you don't want all the matches, then? There's 17 of 'em.
You have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius.
- Here, £17 pounds, then. - Lovely!
And my best wishes to your massive offspring!
So we had £17 and a penny,
and we give Mrs Scratchit £17, so that leaves...
Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick, £17 and a penny, minus £17 leaves...
£38, eight shillings and fourpence.
Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is, in fact, a splendid shining penny.
Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slackbladder...I mean, Blackadder.
And to you, young urchin.
A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker...I mean, sir.
Erm, well..
Certainly, here.
Going to buy some cake for your silver-haired mother?
Nah, sod that! I'm off to the gin shop.
They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em.
Oh, well another year without profit.
Still it is Christmas.
And let us remember, Mr Baldrick,
that be we as stony as a biblical execution,
it's still the season of good cheer and we have our Christmas treats.
Nuts, turkey and presents.
And my goddaughter, Millicent.
Secure the ornaments and let her in.
So we put all our presents under our little tree.
A scarf for me, a pair of gloves for Mr Baldrick and a hat for Millicent.
Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe this excellent pleasure?
I just thought I'd pop round, you know, on the off chance.
Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents.
It is indeed. And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter.
Oh, thanks. And look! A scarf and a pair of gloves to match!
That's not bad, I suppose.
- Jolly good. - Sorry I can't stop.
I thought I might come back tomorrow at lunch time.
Splendid idea!
It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend,
so cook two extra turkeys.
Thanks for all the pressies.
Why don't you take the flippin' tree??!
Oh, you are sweet!
Bye. My, what a jolly young girl!
Pity she nicked all the presents.
Well I thought we'd be quite spoilt enough
with the turkey and this mountain of nuts we have.
Well peel my tangerines, this is a night!
- Back! - Ah, Beadle.
Charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way.
Get back!
Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir.
Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men!
Indeed, indeed! And what of your little orphan charges?
Well I don't think I charges 'em enough, in fact.
Luckily you're here to cover up the shortfall Mr Blackadder.
They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, bringing you a surprise.
Surely not another totally unexpected rendition of
"God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"?
Can't say, sir. All I can say is it's Christmas as usual,
except sadly we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day.
What luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Help yourselves.
No, sir. I couldn't take them.
- Is this all is it? - Yes.
It'll have to do, then. See you tomorrow.
Well what a jolly fellow!
Looked like a fat git to me.
Well yes, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances.
Strip away the outer layers of a fat git,
and inside you'll probably find a...
..thin git.
Those orphans were a bit fat, too.
There's some truth there.
When I visit them I remove all sharp objects
for fear of bursting one of them
and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies.
But as long as they're happy.
At least we've still got our turkey.
And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles,
so maybe, if we close our eyes really tight
and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us.
- Come on. - Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick.
- See! - Well baste my steaming puddings!
Good evening, sir and madam.
Good evening. We've come to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve.
Good heavens!
We have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity.
Well one tries.
- So please... - Yes?
Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door.
Ah, well we'd love to oblige, but we haven't got anything to give.
You must have something. A goose?
Oh, Albert!
We've only got a turkey, see.
That's ideal.
- Aw... - There's a bit of luck!
Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.
Your accent suggests that you are not from round here.
Ah... Nein.
I am from Glasgow.
Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals.
Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too. A lovely couple, lots of fun.
Bye-bye, birdy.
- Well done indeed. Good evening. - Good evening.
If I see Mr and Mrs Gorbal, I give them your regards.
Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks like we're in for a thin Christmas.
Don't worry, I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney.
If there's one thing that'll stop Santa coming down the chimney,
it's your sock waiting for him.
If I don't hang it out, how will Santa fill it?
If you do hang it out,
Santa will be dead before he gets within 100 yards of it.
- Don't you have any others? - One.
Don't worry, my dear fellow, take one of mine from the linen cupboard.
I'm off to bed. There's nothing else to stay up for.
- Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. - Night.
Ooh, I forgot to mention, when you were out there,
there was this enormous ghostly creature come in saying,
"Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation."
I just thought I'd mention it.
It come through the wall said its piece, then sodded off.
- Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. - Night night.
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo. Whoop!
- Can I help? - No, thanks. No. No, no.
Just came to say hello. Spirit of Christmas, how d'you do?
Just doing my usual rounds, a bit of haunting,
getting misers to change their ways.
But you're such a good chap, there's no need for any of that.
So I'll just say cheery-bye. Cheery-bye.
Can I get you some tea or anything?
You wouldn't have anything a bit more...medicinal?
I see. I've only got some of Nurse Macready's surgical bruise lotion.
Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh?
Huh. Mmm.
It's a change from these skinflints.
You know that old fellow across the road? Bags of money.
He tried to cut his heating bills by using his John Thomas
as a draught excluder.
Oh, dear, old people today!
How do you make them change their ways?
It's visions these days.
We used to use line drawings, but the visions are more effective.
- What sort of thing? - It depends.
Perhaps a glimpse of their school behaviour
behind the penny-farthing sheds.
Some others, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were.
With your ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision,
with a break and ice creams.
- That bad, were they? - Did nobody tell you?
Stinkers to a man. Perhaps you'd like to see.
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull You know you want to.
- It'll be ever so exciting. - Oh, God!
Yes, terrifying.
Look. There's a surprise present for you inside.
It's a novelty death warrant and you give it to a friend.
- Oh, just what I've always wanted. - Got anything for me?
- It's nothing really. - Oh, sir.
No, it's really nothing. I haven't got you anything.
I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen.
She better bloody like it. She dropped enough hints.
That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy!
- Don't you just love it? - No, I hate it.
- In fact, I've just abolished it. - Sorry?
I'm going to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers
and kill anyone carrying a present.
- What's that, Edmund? - This?
- It's a window. - A window.
Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to disturb you.
Well so much for that.
Ah, Melchett.
Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix
of good food and violent stomach cramp.
And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder.
May the Yuletide log burn your house down.
I'm glad I saw you. I feel it only fair to warn you
that the Queen has banned Christmas.
So don't get her a present.
I'm indebted to you for that advice and I shall follow it to the letter.
The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.
- Ha! Got him with my subtle plan. - I can't see any subtle plan.
You wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on a harpsichord
singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again."
It's a double bluff.
Melchett will do the opposite of what I tell him,
give the Queen an enormous present, and then... Qchk!
What? He'll turn into a duck?
Pity about this, Tinky Wink. You used to love this time of year.
I know.
Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas
and then scoffing it
because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked.
And wondering if your father's wife would last till Boxing Day
without having her head cut off.
We knew if he gave her a hat she'd probably be all right.
- Happy days! - Yes. Maybe I was a little rash.
Ah, boys, welcome back!
But, Melchett, what have you got under your coat?
Is it a present?
A present, Majesty? But of course!
You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.
Am I?
That's fab! I love presents.
For a moment, I took against Christmas,
but now I'm dippy about it again.
In fact, I'd like to marry you.
If you weren't as unattractive as a giant slug.
Oh, pish, Majesty!
Anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents.
Fancy a castle?
- Windsor, Majesty? - Title?
- Duke of Kent? - Anything else?
A devilish saucy wife would be fun.
- Lady Jane Pottle. - Oh, yummy!
I think she's Blackadder's girl,
but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?
No, of course not, ma'am.
And would Lord Melchett like to whip me naked through Aberdeen?
- We needn't go that far. - Oh, too kind.
No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.
Super. Well done, Melchy.
Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?
- Erm... - I want a pressie!
Give me something nice and shiny.
If you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: an axe!
- Erm, well.. - Right, that's it!
Any last requests before I chop your block off for the Chrimble tree?
Erm, well there is one, actually, ma'am.
You know how I've always been a great admirer of you both.
I was wondering if I could have your autographs
to keep me company during the final tragic, lonely hours.
- Oh, all right. - Thank you, ma'am.
And Lord Melchett. Just there. Thank you.
- Oh, dear me! - What is it?
Why, this piece of paper that Your Majesty has just signed
turns out to be some sort of death warrant.
And I can't retract it without destroying the whole basis of the British Constitution.
I fear not.
- Is there a name on it? - Yes, actually, it says "Lord..."
Oh, I can't read this terrible childish writing.
"Lord Melchett." Lord Melchett, that's it.
Ma'am, it's a trick! You've been tricked.
Oh, good!
Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and larks of all kinds.
Tell you what, that's so brilliant I'll execute Melchett instead.
You're very kind, ma'am.
I suppose that means that everything of Lord Melchett's becomes yours.
I suppose it does.
Merry Christmas, ma'am.
Good Lord!
Horrible, eh? What a pig!
Yes, but clearly quite a clever, charming pig.
But no, as you say, his behaviour, disgraceful.
You're a great improvement on them all You're a good boy.
Them? Are there more?
Oh, yes. Have a shufty at this.
Right, Balders.
I'm sick of the Prince Regent getting all the presents.
So here's the plan: we play our traditional game of charades,
and when he gets bored and asks for a story,
you stick the dress and the hat on and knock on the door.
- Got it? - Got it.
You certainly will get it if you mess this up.
Hurrah! Welcome, lads! This is the stuff, eh?
Christmas sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows.
What can I do with a girl I can't do with you, eh?
I cannot conceive, sir.
There's that, of course. Now, who's first?
I'd ask Horatio, but he's out of it.
So it's the little monkey fellow first, is it?
- It is indeed. - Excellent. I love charades.
OK. Off you go, Baldrick.
- A book. - Well done.
Didn't think you'd get it that quickly.
Yes, I must say that was damn clever.
Another great Christmas tradition.
Explaining the rules eight times to the Thicky Twins.
The round hasn't started yet. It must be a specific book.
For the Bible, I'd do that to indicate it has two syllables...
- Two what? - Two syllables.
"Two silly bulls"? I don't think so, not in the Bible.
I remember a fatted calf, but that was a sensible animal.
Ah-ha, yah, is it Noah's Ark?
With the two pigs, two ants and two silly bulls...
- Two syll-a-bles? - What?
We're getting confused. Let's start again.
No, let's not. I think the whole game's getting a bit syll-a.
How about a Christmas story?
What a good idea. I'll get rid of the servant, shall I?
There's a limit to how long roasting chestnuts
can blot out the aroma of Baldrick's trousers.
Don't forget the dress and the hat, Baldrick.
- Shall I begin the Christmas story? - Absolutely.
Provided it's not that depressing one about the chap born on Christmas Day
who shoots his mouth off
then comes a cropper with some rum coves on a hill in Johnny Arab land.
- You mean, Jesus? - Yes, that's the bloke.
He always spoils the Xmas atmos.
Instead, I shall tell you a story...
Ah! Oh, my God, I've gone blind! Blind!
That's better.
As I was saying, this is a story about a handsome young prince.
This is more like it. What?
Good-looking, lovely hair perched on his head like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread?
- Exactly. - I can imagine him. Excellent fellow.
It's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny
who's dying of cold on a cruel Christmas night.
- Not a comedy, then? - No, sir.
When she thought that she'd die on Christmas night
and be swept up on Boxing Day morning,
mistaken for a huge dirty handkerchief...
..then she knocked on the door of a handsome young prince named George,
who gave her all his massive collection of Christmas presents,
and she lived happily ever after.
Oh, by Satan's sausage, Bladder, what a fine tale!
I'm quite moved to tears.
Oh, good.
I wonder who that could be.
On a cold, dark, cruel Christmas night, tricky one.
Could be a robin.
Why, rather coincidentally, it is a sad, lonely old granny dying of cold.
Shall I fling her out saying there's no room in our Christmas
for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired old elderly angel like her?
No, Blackadder, you swine, bring her in!
- The trolley's a nice touch. - Take all you want.
You've found Georgy-Porgy, a handsome prince.
Thank you, sir.
Shall I make sure she doesn't steal the silver?
- No, no. Tell her to take it. - You're very generous, sir.
Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph.
Baldrick? Baldrick!
Sorry, Mr B. I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door.
- Are we ready yet, sir? - What?
I answered the door and it was this sweet granny collecting for charity.
- So I let her in. - Ahh.
Something wrong, Mr B?
No. I shouldn't have trusted a man
with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.
- Sorry, Mr B. - It's all right.
It's not your fault.
Still I fear for a frail, elderly woman
Iaden with valuables, travelling the inadequately-lit London streets.
- Yes, she's not safe, sir. - Well not from me, certainly.
- Very amusing! - In what way?
The wigs. Very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful.
But... But he actually got the presents.
Y... Y... Yes.
So there is something to be made out of being bad.
Technically, yes. But that's not the point, is it?
It's the soul, the soul.
As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if I was bad?
Erm... Is that the time? I must be off.
I'd love to see Christmas Future.
No, no, no, it's terribly melodramatic.
Look, just show it, please.
All right. Whoo-oo.
Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.
To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod,
this much greeting.
I, too, Bold Navigator,
cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnood.
That won't be necessary, thank you.
Approach, your slave, Baldrick.
For God's sake, if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap,
at least keep your legs together.
Wilco, skipper.
Majesties, I give you this much greeting.
- What news of the foul Marmidons? - Scattered to the Nine Vectors.
And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five?
Have they been suckcreamed as a quanbeast's nubole?
They're dead, if that's what you mean.
Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?
No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies,
because you just made them up.
Damn it!
Excellent, Commander.
You have most pleasantly wibbled my frussetpouch.
Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end,
I bring you this.
Oh, lovely, an ashtray.
Come, Majesty, he wastes our time.
I yearn to attend "20,000 years of the Two Ronnoids" on the box podule.
- Send him to the sprouting chamber! - No, wait!
- What is it, Commander? - I'll show you, shall I?
Now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist
that you hand over to me the Supreme Command of the Universe,
sew a button on my spare uniform, and marry me this afternoon.
I thought you'd never ask.
Ha, ha. So let's get this straight.
If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe.
Maybe, maybe. But would you be happy?
Being Ruler of the Universe isn't so great.
The long hours, having to wave at people,
you're no longer your own boss.
So what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold?
I must put my foot down here. I've got four hauntings
and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do.
- Whoo-oo. - No, no.
Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob.
- Hail. - And your slave.
- What's his name? - I can't remember, Your Majesty.
No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells,
what news of the foul Marmidons?
- Good news... - Excellent!
..for the Marmidons.
They wiped out our entire army.
Sorry, I got confused and dropped a bomb on our lot.
Silence, squidling.
Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Oh, damn! I forgot the bloody present.
So one way, it's glory everlasting,
the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.
Simplistic, but it points to a clear lesson.
- Namely? - Namely...
..the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.
Doesn't it point to the clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?
Absolutely not. The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive.
Picture it.
Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone.
A Bible. Your own turnip!
Oh, well that makes all the difference!
- So you're going to be a good boy? - Absolutely.
Would I lie to you?
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
Mr Blackadder.
Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.
Dear me, but don't be too unhappy, because if you look very carefully,
there's something in this stocking from me.
It's something I made for you.
That's the kind of pressie that shows the most love.
What is it, Mr B?
I've made you...a fist.
Yes, it's for hitting.
What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again...
..and again...
..and again.
- Well what do you say? - Thank you, Mr B.
Think nothing of it. I, after all think nothing of you.
Oi! Git face! Penny for the season?
Hark, do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window.
No, I must have imagined it.
Shall I get that?
No, leave them in the snow until I get dressed.
I'll only be about 40 minutes.
Compliments of the season, sir.
We've come to sing merrily and give you a small pudding. Three, four...
God bless Mr B at Christmas time And baby Jesus, too
If we were little pigs we'd sing Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo Piggy Wiggy Woo
Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
- Utter crap. - Thank you very much, sir.
- Do we get a Christmas treat? - Indeed you do.
- What? - A door in the face.
Here you are.
Mr B, you can't send them out into the world with only a small pudding.
How right you are, Baldrick. Door.
Thank you.
- You know what I'm hoping? - What?
I'm hoping that this is all a merry Christmas jape,
and you're going to go "Yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.
Close your eyes, Baldrick. Open your mouth.
Yo, ho, ho.
- Cooee. - Ah.
My dear Millicent, come for her dinner.
And she seems to have brought the fish course with her.
Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
I think it's me.
- This is Ralph, he's my fiancé. - We're in love.
Oh, dear.
Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker.
One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off.
Shut up.
Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened?
You've changed from the nicest man in England
into the horridest man in the world.
I was thinking the same thing myself.
When spoken to.
I would explain, but I fear you wouldn't understand,
being blessed with a head emptier than a hermit's address book.
As for you, can you keep my goddaughter in the manner to which she is accustomed?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Oh, splendid!
Congratulations. Good day.
Baldrick, I want you to take this and buy a turkey so large
you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.
I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me.
- Cooee! - No peace for the wicked.
Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me.
Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas.
I have always found you foul, Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little.
As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
- But he's a cripple. - He's not.
Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.
It did, actually.
However, if you want something for lunch, take this.
It's a pound a lump and, as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps.
- Thank you. - What about my Tiny Tom?
If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day.
Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness?
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
Whoever that is, slam the door in their faces,
otherwise I'll slam your face in the door.
Hello, small dwarf fellow.
Is this the house of the great philanthropist
and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder?
- Well Mr Blackadder lives here. - Ah, das ist gut.
Because we have a wunderbar secret.
What secret?
If I told you we're going to give him an enormous fortune for being so generous,
then it would no longer be a secret.
Dem, I'm so stupid! Dem!
- What would no longer be a secret? - We are Queen Victoria.
What? All three of you?
My dear little hobgoblin, here is our Royal Seal.
We have come to present your master with £50,000
and the title of Baron Blackadder for being the kindest man in England.
Lumme, Your Majesty.
Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do if you didn't slam the door on these scrounging loafers?
But, Mr Blackadder... Ow!
I'm not at home to guests.
I flatter myself we are rather special guests, sir.
Of course, I must apologise.
One rarely receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.
Ah, so you recognise us at last.
Yes, unless I'm mistaken, you're the winner
of the Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition.
And to be accompanied by the winner of this year's
Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.
- I cannot believe... - Cork it, fatso.
This is the Victorian age, where,
apart from Queen Piglet Features herself,
women and children are to be seen and not heard.
Queen Piglet Features!
Yes! Empress Oink, as lads call her.
The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her
is that stupid frankfurter of a husband.
The Pig and the Prig we call them.
How they ever managed to produce their 112 children is beyond me.
The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace
must be copiously supplied with blindfolds.
Sir, we've never been so insulted in our lives!
Well all I can say is, you've been damned lucky.
Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent.
All the riff-raff and the spongers dealt with
and gargantuan quantities of tuck to be gobbled.
Here, have a wishbone. What do you wish?
I wish there was some meat on this.
Those last two were particularly satisfying.
It felt like having a go at the real Queen and Prince Albert.
It was the real Queen and Prince Albert.
Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick. What would the Queen be doing here?
She come to visit you to reward you for being the nicest man in England
by giving you £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder.
It couldn't have been the Queen because when she visits people,
she leaves her Royal Seal.
- What? Like this one? - Yes, just like that...
Blackadder, Blackadder
Dee dum, dee dum, dee dum
Blackadder, Blackadder
Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum
Blackadder, Blackadder
Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum
BBC - The Blue Planet (1 of 8) - Ocean World
BBC - The Blue Planet (2 of 8) - The Deep
BBC - The Blue Planet (3 of 8) - Open Ocean
BBC - The Blue Planet (4 of 8) - Frozen Seas
BBC - The Blue Planet (5 of 8) - Seasonal Seas
BBC - The Blue Planet (6 of 8) - Coral Seas
BBC - The Blue Planet (7 of 8) - Tidal Seas
BBC - The Blue Planet (8 of 8) - Coasts
Babi Leto - Autumn Spring (2002)
Baby Doll
Baby Geniuses 2 2004
Babylon 5 - 2x01 - Points of Departure
Babylon 5 - 2x02 - Revelations
Babylon 5 - 2x03 - The Geometry of Shadows
Babylon 5 - 2x04 - A Distant Star
Babylon 5 - 2x04 - The Long Dark
Babylon 5 - 2x06 - Spider in the Web
Babylon 5 - 2x07 - Soul Mates
Babylon 5 - 2x08 - A Race Through Dark Places
Babylon 5 - 2x09 - The Coming of Shadows
Babylon 5 - 2x10 - Gropos
Babylon 5 - 2x11 - All Alone in the Night
Babylon 5 - 2x12 Acts of Sacrifice
Babylon 5 - 2x13 - Hunter Prey
Babylon 5 - 2x14 - There All the Honor Lies
Babylon 5 - 2x15 - And Now For A Word
Babylon 5 - 2x17 - Knives
Babylon 5 - 2x18 - Confessions and Lamentations
Babylon 5 - 2x19 - Divided Loyalties
Babylon 5 - 2x20 - The Long Twilight Struggle
Babylon 5 - 2x21 - Comes the Inquisitor
Babylon 5 - 2x22 - The Fall Of Night
Babylon 5 - 3x03 - A Day in the Strife
Babylon 5 - 3x05 - Voices of Authority
Babylon 5 - 3x06 - Dust to Dust
Babylon 5 - 3x07 - Exogenesis
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Babylon 5 - 3x10 - Severed Dreams
Babylon 5 - 3x11 - Ceremonies of Light and Dark
Babylon 5 - 3x12 - Sic Transit Vir
Babylon 5 - 3x13 - A Late Delivery From Avalon
Babylon 5 - 3x14 - Ship of Tears
Babylon 5 - 3x16 - War Without End (Part I)
Babylon 5 - 3x17 - War Without End (Part II)
Babylon 5 - 3x18 - Walkabout
Babylon 5 - 3x19 - Grey 17 is Missing
Babylon 5 - 3x20 - And the Rock Cried Out No Hiding Place
Babylon 5 - 3x21 - Shadow Dancing
Babylon 5 1x01 Midnight on the Firing Line
Babylon 5 1x02 Soul Hunter
Babylon 5 1x03 Born to the Purple
Babylon 5 1x04 Infection
Babylon 5 1x05 The Parliament of Dreams
Babylon 5 1x06 Mind War
Babylon 5 1x07 The War Prayer
Babylon 5 1x08 And The Sky Full Of Stars
Babylon 5 1x09 Deathwalker
Babylon 5 1x10 Believers
Babylon 5 1x11 Survivors
Babylon 5 1x12 By Any Means Necessary
Babylon 5 1x13 Signs and Portents
Babylon 5 1x14 TKO
Babylon 5 1x15 Grail
Babylon 5 1x16 Eyes
Babylon 5 1x17 Legacies
Babylon 5 1x18 A voice in the wilderness - Part 1
Babylon 5 1x19 A voice in the wilderness - Part 2
Babylon 5 1x20 Babylon squared
Babylon 5 1x21 The Quality Of Mercy
Babylon 5 1x22 Crysalis
Babylon 5 3x01 Matters of Honor
Babylon 5 4x01 - The Hour of the Wolf
Babylon 5 4x02 - What Ever Happened to Mr Garibaldi
Babylon 5 4x03 - The Summoning
Babylon 5 4x04 - Falling Towards Apotheosis
Babylon 5 4x05 - The Long Night
Babylon 5 4x06 - Into the Fire
Babylon 5 4x07 - Epiphanies
Babylon 5 4x08 - The Illusion of Truth
Babylon 5 4x09 - Atonement
Babylon 5 4x10 - Racing Mars
Babylon 5 4x11 - Lines of Communication
Babylon 5 4x12 - Conflicts of Interest
Babylon 5 4x13 - Rumors Bargains and Lies
Babylon 5 4x14 - Moments of Transition
Babylon 5 4x15 - No Surrender No Retreat
Babylon 5 4x16 - The Exercise of Vital Powers
Babylon 5 4x17 - The Face of the Enemy
Babylon 5 4x18 - Intersections in Real Time
Babylon 5 4x19 - Between the Darkness and the Light
Babylon 5 4x20 - Endgame
Babylon 5 4x21 - Rising Star
Babylon 5 4x22 - The Deconstruction of Falling Stars
Babys Day Out
Bachelor Party
Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer The
Back To Bataan
Back To The Future 1
Back To The Future 1 (dc)
Back To The Future 1 (hi)
Back To The Future 2
Back To The Future 2 (hi)
Back To The Future 3
Back To The Future 3 (hi)
Back to School (Alan Metter 1986)
Back to the Future II
Back to the Future III
Backfield in Motion
BadBoys TrueStory 2003 CD1
BadBoys TrueStory 2003 CD2
Bad Company
Bad Guy 2001
Bad Santa
Bad Santa (unrated)
Bad Seed The 1956
Bad Timing (Nicolas Roeg 1980)
Bad and the Beautiful The
Badboys II
Baise Moi
Balanta 1992 (The Oak)
Ballad Of A Soldier 1959
Balseros 2002
Bamba La (1987)
Band of Brothers 01 - Currahee
Band of Brothers 02 - Day of Days
Band of Brothers 03 - Carentan
Band of Brothers 04 - Replacements
Band of Brothers 05 - Crossroads
Band of Brothers 06 - Bastogne
Band of Brothers 07 - The Breaking Point
Band of Brothers 08 - The Last Patrol
Band of Brothers 09 - Why We Fight
Band of Brothers 10 - Points
Band of Outsiders
Bande des quatre La 1988 CD1
Bande des quatre La 1988 CD2
Bao biao (1969) - Have sword Chang Cheh
Bao lian deng (1999)
Bar El Chino 2003
Baramui Fighter CD1
Baramui Fighter CD2
Barberella - A Queen Of The Galaxy
Bare Bea 2004
Barefoot Gen 1983
Barrio 1947 25fps
Basara The Princess 1992 CD1
Basara The Princess 1992 CD2
Basic Instinct
Batman - Mystery of the Batwoman
Batman - The Movie
Batman 1989 CD1
Batman 1989 CD2
Batman and Robin
Batoru Rowaioru II - Requiem (2003) CD1
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Batteries Included
Battle Cry CD1
Battle Cry CD2
Battle Hymn 1957
Battle Royale (2000) Directors Cut CD1
Battle Royale (2000) Directors Cut CD2
Battle Royale 2 (2003)
Battle for the Planet of the Apes
Battle of Algiers The (Gillo Pontecorvo 1965) CD1
Battle of Algiers The (Gillo Pontecorvo 1965) CD2
Battle of Britain CD1
Battle of Britain CD2
Battle of the Bulge CD1
Battle of the Bulge CD2
Battlefield Baseball
Battlefield Earth
Battlestar Galactica 01x01 - 33
Battlestar Galactica 01x01 - Litmus
Battlestar Galactica 01x01 - Water
Battlestar Galactica 01x03 - Bastille Day
Battlestar Galactica 01x04 - Act of Contrition
Battlestar Galactica 01x05 - You Cant Go Home Again
Battlestar Galactica 01x07 - Six Degrees of Seperation
Battlestar Galactica 01x08 - Flesh and Bone
Battlestar Galactica 01x09 - Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down
Battlestar Galactica 01x10 - The Hand of God
Battlestar Galactica 01x11 - Colonial Day
Battlestar Galactica 01x12 - Kobols Last Gleaming Part 1
Battlestar Galactica 01x13 - Kobols Last Gleaming Part 2
Baxter 1989
Beach The
Bean - The Ultimate Disaster Movie
Beast Cops
Beast From 20,000 Fathoms The 1953
Beast Within The
Beast of War The
Beating Of The Butterflys Wings The 2000
Beatles Anthology The Episode1
Beatles Anthology The Episode2
Beatles Anthology The Episode3
Beatles Anthology The Episode4
Beatles Anthology The Episode5
Beatles Anthology The Episode6
Beatles Anthology The Episode7
Beatles Anthology The Episode8
Beatles Anthology The Special Features
Beatles The - A Hard Dayss Night
Beatles The First US Visit The
Beau Pere - Stepfather - Bertrand Blier 1981
Beautiful Creatures
Beautiful Girls
Beautiful Thing
Beautiful Troublemaker The (1991) CD1
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Beautiful Troublemaker The (1991) CD3
Beautifull Mind A CD1
Beautifull Mind A CD2
Beauty And The Beast
Beauty and the Beast (Disney Special Platinum Edition)
Beavis and Butt-head Do America (1996)
Bedford Incident The
Bedroom Key The CD1
Bedroom Key The CD2
Before Night Falls 2000 CD1
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Before Sunrise
Before Sunset 2004
Beguiled The
Behind Enemy Lines 2001
Behind The Sun (Walter Salles 2001)
Being John Malkovich
Being There (1979) CD1
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Belle Epoque CD1
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Belle and La Bete La (1946)
Bellinin And The Spynx CD1
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Bells Of St Marys The (1945)
Belly Of The Beast
Belly of an Architect The
Ben-Hur CD1
Ben-Hur CD2
Bend It Like Beckham
Bend of the River 1952
Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Benny and Joon
Best years of our lives 1946
Bet on My Disco
Better Off Dead 1985
Better Than Chocolate
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD1
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD2
Better Tomorrow 3 A
Better Way To Die A
Between Heaven and Hell
Beverly Hillbillies The 1993
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Beyond Borders CD1
Beyond Borders CD2
Beyond The
Beyond The Clouds
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD1
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD2
Biches Les (Claude Chabrol 1968)
Bicho de sete cabezas
Bichunmoo CD1
Bichunmoo CD2
Big Blue The CD1
Big Blue The CD2
Big Bounce The
Big Chill The
Big Daddy
Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958)
Big Fat Liar
Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Nihgt
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Biker boyz
Billy Elliot
Billy Madison 1995
Biloxi blues
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bio Dome
Bio Hunter
Bio Zombie
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
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Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
Black Angel
Black Sabbath
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
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BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
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BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
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BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Christmas
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask
Black Mask 2
Black Orpheus
Black Rain CD1
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Black Sheep
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
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Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
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Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Saddles
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
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Bless The Child
Blind Beast
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
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Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blind date
Blob The 1988
Blood Crime
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood Work
Blood and Black Lace
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Blown Away 1994 CD1
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Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Car
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
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Blue Moon
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Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
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Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue Velvet
Blue juice 1995
Blue thunder
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
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Blues Harp
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Body Double
Body Heat
Body The
Boiler Room
Bola El
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Born Romantic
Boucher Le
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boxcar Bertha
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Breaking Away
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Bright Future
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Brothers The
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Buffalo Soldiers
Bug 1975
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
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Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet Ballet
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Burnt Money
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The