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Been gone skiing a little too long, haven't we?
What's the point of coming back at all?
Soon it's gonna snow like hell again anyway...
What are you bringing in, sister?
Just a body.
I can see that much.
The Body
As soon as we get there, we'll...
I hardly recognize you, Piotr. You seem different somehow.
And your suit is all wrinkled. Have you grown bigger?
I always do when I'm next to you...
I'll just park my butt here, OK?
There's some thugs sitting in my car.
What's the world coming to? Travelling's scary these days.
Met a shrink on the train once. Told me I had the Oedipus complex.
Like, I'd been wanting to do it with Ma. So I showed him the picture of my Ma.
He split.
Just like Pop did.
As soon as he took a good look at Ma
and rode it clean into a lamppost on his bike. Just like that. Boom.
That's where I get my looks from. Pop. Well, I am taller.
Pop was...
...well, he wasn't Shaq O'Neill exactly, if you know what I mean.
You're going to Warsaw?
Fucking yoga freak.
Jesus, I killed the guy.
Po/ice/ Somebody ca// the po/ice/
Scarlet fever! Kids with scarlet fever in here!
Do you need help? I'm a pediatrician.
And I'm a brain surgeon! Fuck off!
There are lots of available seats in here... Get in, Bubbles.
Well, that's better now.
Awfully hot in here, don't you think?
He's not breathing.
What do you mean he's not breathing?
Of course, he is.
No reason to wheeze like and asthmatic old dog.
- What's your name? - Ola.
And your Granny's?
Wanda. Wanda the Walloper.
Kids. What imagination.
You friend seems tired?
He is. Dead tired.
He's not breathing again.
What're you reading there, kid?
Let me guess...
"Forensic Medicine"
Do you know what causes body decay? Bacteria.
They decompose complex proteins into simple ones...
And when it's as hot as in here, a body starts rotting really fast...
You're boring the gentleman, Bubbles.
On the contrary. It's most interesting.
May I...?
"Some typical symptoms of decay are ...accumulation of putrid gases..."
..."which cause the swelling of the abdomen...
...the lips turn greenish-black..."
..." tongue, protruding due to inward pressure".
I'm feeling sick.
Chief inspector Haberek, homicide.
Have you noticed anything suspicious?
You, sir?
No, nothing.
I'm talking to your neighbour!
He's been sleeping all along. Hasn't seen a thing.
Got it, Pogruda? He's been sleeping the whole time.
Hasn't seen a thing. What about you, sir?
Murder, that's what.
You don't think, carbonara, we're here for ticket inspection?
We don't know anything, Inspector. None of us has put their nose out.
I have. I've been out. Once.
But not to murder. To pee...
To pee? Of course. What else?
At me! You're supposed to be looking at me, you halfwit.
- They are supposed to look like me! - But you two look exactly the same...
No two people are exactly the same. Everyone is special.
If 10 per cent out of 80 million Germans are homeowners,
how many gardens that anxiously await our dwarves does that make?
Well... 8 million.
My point exactly! 8 million dwarves!
Even Michaelangelo never had an opportunity like this.
You better appreciate it!
Will you stop smoking? I don't want to get lung cancer.
Oh, chill it. We've two separate sets of lungs, thank God.
Here you are! At last. Everything OK?
I'm afraid not exactly, boss.
You, Michaelangelo! Go powder your nose, will you?
- Excuse me? - Get the fuck out of here!
Well, we got inside the church.
Through a window.
The flashlight gave out on us, so we had to make do with a lighter.
I got burn blisters all over my fingers.
To the point, you idiot!
The point is, it was dark.
So I say to Dizel,
"Braille-style stealing won't cut it. But we'll find some loot by the altar".
And sure enough we did. We've found these.
They are used in holy mass, you retards.
Take it easy. You make my blood pressure go up.
So where's the Madonna?
You couldn't even start a decent fire with it!
Termites haven't been feasting on that Madonna for 600 years for nothing!
It's the 600 years that make it so bloody precious!
I was going to stuff the Madonna in a dwarf and ship it to Germany!
What the hell am I gonna do with these damn chalices?
Donate them to a Bavarian tavern in Munich?!
You left the church, and then what?
We got to the car, but the tires were gone.
Say what...?
The tires. Somebody stole our tires.
They stole their tires... right...
Goldi, you're a thief, aren't you? Thieves are the screw-ers,
not the screw-ees! They screw others, and not get screwed! Get it?!
THIS is the gutter of life, not a fucking Oprah Book Club meeting.
I told Dizel to wait for the tire service to open.
And meanwhile I put the loot in the suitcase...
...and brought it here by train. Brilliant!
Needless to say, this specimen over there is my favourite.
We're lucky he hasn't started rotting yet.
Considerate of him. Shows good manners.
Come to visit and then go to rot? Embarrassing.
Perhaps he isn't dead?
And what's this? A manicure set?
Go get some tools.
And now a news breaking story.
A naked body of an unidentified midd/e-aged man
has been found in Cracow...
A pipeline... Weird...
I don't get it.
Marian Tuleja... Central Bureau of Investigation...
- Colonel? - Colonel!
Boss, these new tires are way cool!
Great grip on...
Zyggie, I've had it up to here with you.
I run a legitimate car business, pay my taxes, send checks
to children's charities. I don't want to do time in jail because I happen
to be joined at the hip to a brother who smuggles stolen masterpieces
in garden dwarves and transports CBI agents' bodies via national rail!
I've told you a thousand times - they can't put you in jail,
because you're the good guy. They can't put me away either,
because they would have to put you away as well.
Henry, I'm the only criminal in the world they're never gonna get.
Are you done?
All we have to do now is make Mr. CBI and his funny papers disappear...
Well, here?
Well, did you want to take him to the zoo, or something?
It was to be a deserted spot!
It's cool! It's close to a horse- riding school.
OK, Goldi, say goodbye to your friend.
Freeze! It's the police! Hands up!
Turn around slowly!
Keep your hands up!
What are you doing here?
No way!
There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's all human nature.
You boys be careful in the future.
Don't leave a handicapped friend all alone like that.
The world is full of perverts.
Quiet. There's nobody around. Cool.
I've got a better idea. Trust me.
Waza is gonna do us in if we don't get rid of him.
What is it now?
You're going for a shave.
What the fuck...?
We've a dead guy here and you want me to shave?
Don't do much shaving these days, not anymore. New regulations.
They say you could get AIDS. But who'd get AIDS around here?
It's the disease of the artists. It's simple folk around here.
Rather lichen, boils, eczema. Well, maybe a touch of syphilis
here and there, if someone's been really frisky.
Sit still.
The phone's ringing!
Eugene's Barbershop, may I help you?
I'm the producer of "Tarzan in Poland" motion picture. We seem to be having
a problem with our gorilla. It's a she, to be precise.
She plays Tarzan's mother. Anyway, Tarzan lands
in the hospital after tasting our Polish vodka -
he's a jungle boy, not used to alcohol...
I don't get it... What do you want from me?
I'm getting to it. When Mom Gorilla finds out, she starts losing hair.
Nerves. She practically goes bald. You know how mothers are.
So we'd like to bring her to you for a nice, clean shave.
Hello! We'll make it worth your while!
Beasts, beasts, not humans. They want me to shave a gorilla.
Time to wake up, chief.
Hey, mister, wake up, mister...!
Fall in!
At attention!
Booze OK, but no drugs!
Be back at a quarter past! Break it up! At ease!
Where do you think you're going? You're staying on duty!
I thought we'd end up eating him for lunch.
What are we gonna do about this shit?
A buddy of mine works in a boiler- room.
- I need your help! - Are you blind? I have a customer.
I'm begging you. These are my first international manoeuvres.
Everybody's going to be there. The Americans, the British, the Dutch...
I have to look good. Will you give me a pedicure?
This is a barbershop. For men, you know!
And what do I look like to you? But please, be quick.
I must be back before the Sarge realizes
I haven't been guarding the truck.
Where's that truck?
Right outside.
All right. Take off your clothes and into the shower you go...
Do you want me to shower?
Can't be too careful. Lichen, AIDS, gum disease.
All because of lack of proper hygiene.
That's all right.
You're back at last!
It's all taken care of. Dizel's just burning Mr. CBI's papers.
You'll set out as soon as he's back! An out-of-the-way country church.
You are to take only the casket with the sculpture.
No chalices! Repeat!
Just the casket! No chalices!
What's up with him? Is he stoned?
No way, Sarge, sir! Just booze, like you ordered, sir!
A typical moonshine crash!
Get him the fuck out!
He'll sober up flying!
What's the birdie done to you?
You, ornithologist! Bird-saver!
They're shitting all over the place. Who's gonna clean up the crap?
I've grown fur like a bear. I need to shave.
Say, did you know Wolter had kids? Three daughters in Sopot.
It's a damn shame.
I told him not to touch these bottles. But would he listen?
How come we have them here anyway?
Dynksiarz left them here. He's working at a cemetery now.
What does he need this shit for? He wants to poison the dead?
It's the new service.
People are making more dough now and they have greater demands.
It's not enough to have your mother-in- law just dropped in the hole.
Now people want their dead mummified.
Embalming, that's what.
They've hired this Russian guy who'd supposedly embalmed Lenin.
They've so much work you have to book the procedure 3 months in advance.
Sneeze, and your family puts your name on the list right away.
But this is illegal!
That's why he keeps his embalming potion here.
Or had kept, until Wolter drank it.
So, now what? Is he gonna turn into a fucking mummy?
Who knows.
It's definitely going to take some time before he starts rotting.
I need some air.
Piotr West here.
Marian Tuleja. I'm in Cracow.
Great. I can't wait to meet you.
/ sti// can hard/y be/ieve it.
You haven't told anyone, have you? Your wife?
Not a word. Cross my heart.
We'll surprise her. I'll see you in an hour?
Haven't forgotten the password?
Whatever gave you the idea?
You have no idea...
In a week or so Wolter would have been world-famous.
Why? His real name was Bill Gates, but he was really shy about it?
You really are a mega-moron!
He knew who fathered Roo.
- Fathered who? - Roo.
When Kanga appears in the Forest, she already has Baby Roo with her.
But she never mentions his father. Still, one can infer that
some of the animals may have had something to do with it.
What animals? Are you nuts?
It's "Winnie-the-Pooh", dickhead!
- Wolter came to the conclusion that... - Whoa, whoa! Hold it!
- You're fucking with me, right? - Why?
I find it hard to believe, that for over a year I've been sharing
the apartment with a guy who wants to know who fucked a kangaroo!
Fucked a kangaroo. That's all you are able to relate to, you perv.
Hey! Wait up!
Oh, get fucked!
What hour's this?
I've forgotten my watch.
Last winter apple trees suddenly blossomed...
Due to the ozone layer damage? We'd love to chat, but time does fly.
He hasn't sent you?
Who hasn't sent us?
Never mind.
The world's full of freaks. Let's go!
So who was the father of this - what's his name - Roo?
I don't know. Wolter didn't manage to tell me.
- Excuse me, where will I find jello? - On the other side.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Would you be so kind... I'd like this box of jelly candies...
No, not this one... that one!
- But they are all exactly the same! - If you don't mind... I do need that box.
Thank you.
The shopping's already packed, and I had to forget the brandy...!
An old woman's weakness...
Save the excuses. Half the population drinks.
The jellies are for my granddaughter. We're leaving for the seaside soon.
What a coincidence. We're going to the seaside, too.
You are?
We are?
A friend has to visit his family.
Excuse me...
What family?
Have you seen Wolter's ID? Three kids in Sopot...
- Wolter's lying stiff on the sofa. - Ole˝ka!
He doesn't look like someone who's missing his children!
Watch it, shitpants!
- Look, it's that freak... - It's not him. Different suit.
- That's no proof! - Freaks are freaky.
- I'm sorry. - Stick it up your ass!
If you insist on being vulgar, Granny shall punish you. Severely.
Please don't mind him. He's a loony. Completely loco.
Why drag him there? We could bury him here, courtesy of Dynksiarz.
- Wolter's got family! - Had! He's dead,
if you hadn't noticed! And how are you planning
- to get the body across the country? - I'll think of something.
To the family reunion!
We're broke. I'm tired. I'll just have my two vodka doubles, crash
- next to Wolter and sleep like the dead. - Like the dead with the poisoned.
Shut up!
It's the freak from the market!
- A selfish freak, at that. - Check out his wallet!
- I'm an organist, not a thief! - We need the money for the trip!
Oh, all right.
Wait, I've got a better idea.
His suit. For Wolter's final journey.
I didn't think we were going to make it.
Well, Wolter, they will be really surprised to see you wearing a suit!
- I wonder what's in the briefcase. - What?
- Perhaps we should take a peep? - Later.
Can you see that woman over there?
See that guy? Just wait and observe.
My bag! Catch the thief!
- And the bag is fucking gone. - The world's a jungle, alas.
Are we supposed to accept that?
What are we gonna do now, you idiot!
- Oh, we'll get him back! - But how?
Let me just park my butt here, OK? There's some thugs sitting in my car.
Travelling's scary these days.
I think I've got it. It's Rabbit. He's the father.
Yeah, and you're the grandpa.
I'm telling you. It was Rabbit that'd made the little bugger.
Look, as soon as Kanga arrives in the Forest, Rabbit
starts his ugly scheming. He talks Piglet and Pooh
into kidnapping Baby Roo. And why? Wait, here it is:
"We'll tell you where Baby Roo is, if you promise to go away
from the Forest and never come back"
What do you mean "so"? Use your cabeza, dude.
He knocked her up, and now she's come back with the kid,
so he's scared shitless that she wants to claim child support.
That's why he kidnaps Baby Roo. The SOB.
Rabbit? Lmpossible. I'd sooner put my money on Pooh.
Pooh? Pooh's too childish.
All he does is guzzle honey and sing stupid songs.
Give it to me!
"And every Tuesday Roo spent the day with his friend Rabbit, and every..."
"...Tuesday Kanga spent the day with her friend Pooh, teaching him to jump".
Get it?
Rabbit babysits the kid all day so Mommy can do some
hopping around with Pooh! Rich, don't you think?
Bed-hopping's more like it. A sexual "little something".
And how do you know they weren't doing it before Roo was born?
But how? She wasn't even living there...
Man, sometimes I think you were born yesterday.
Gentlemen... I need to pee.
Owl? No way.
Maybe Eeyore?
Such an unassuming, quiet little jackass.
I just know the kind. They're the worst scum.
We don't have time for this!
Chill. There's always time for THIS.
We're just returning from an expedition,
Tigers, ticks, snakes, you know. Stuff.
What kind of music do you like, Miss...?
Morrison... just Morrison.
So we're kindred spirits. I could tell right away.
Great music, that. And what about this:
"I'm gonna love you and treat you right".
Marley. My number one.
Are we there yet?
My car is somewhere around here. What rotten luck.
It broke down on us right in the middle of the woods.
Us? What do you mean "us"?
Well, us.
Who are you with? A fiance?
No, a sister.
Sisters. All alone in the woods. Little Red Riding Hoods.
And where's your precious sister? She'll turn up.
And Inspector Gadget here is gonna take care of the car, right?
Well, who else? Me?
Could you give me the keys?
A kiss...?
I mean, car keys.
Ah... they're in the car.
Jesus Christ! What's this?
A coffin.
I can see that. But what's inside?
What do you think? Potatoes?
I used to be an organist, you know. I was kind of partial to drink,
so the vicar put a curse on me. He said that if I kept on drinking,
- I'd go straight to hell. - You didn't believe him, did you?
I did. I haven't touched liquor since.
I add jello to my vodka, wait until it sets, and eat it.
Mind you, eat it. Not drink it.
Do you think your Boss,
is gonna hold it against me?
If my Boss appreciates brains, you have His absolution already.
What's with the skis?
They aren't ours. They're hers.
Every year she participated in the monastic winter games.
Sister Benedicta won the silver medal in ski jumping two days ago.
She was in top form.
And that very night she slipped and fell in the shower...
Unknown to man are the ways of God. Fame today, funeral tomorrow.
Not tomorrow, but today. And we have to make it.
Nuns from all over Poland are coming to pay Her the last respects.
It stopped raining.
Nice girls, huh?
Do you think Wolter is up there... somewhere?
You've taken Viagra, haven't you?
We've been married for 5 years and you've never been this horny.
Is that bad?
I'm gonna take a shower...
How many times have I told you to do something about the damn brooms!
Do think it over, dear. A marita/ crisis is not the reason to ki//.
- What does your conscience say? - Don't you worry about my conscience.
- I've made up my mind. - As you wish.
Leave the picture and the advance money in the je//y candy box.
The one /'ve to/d you about. You'// pay the rest as a widow.
Come on, darling...
We haven't done it for a week... or so?
Well, it's been slightly longer than that.
See? Come on, then.
You'd better get yourself to bed, vicar.
Computers are mighty bad for the eyes.
When so many tormented souls need consolation...
But it's night-time already.
It is here,
but not in America.
Don't they have priests in America?
The whole village is talking, vicar.
That vicar only does confession through this box here, and has
forsaken the sheep in his own parish.
Thanks to the net the whole world is my parish now. I cannot concern
myself solely with one village, when the global village is in need.
It's nothing. Probably the wind.
Get out and check it out!
Right now?!
Well, get up and see!
Out, out you go!
We were smuggling the dwarves to Amsterdam once.
A Sunday caught us there.
I was bored out of my mind, man. My mug was stiff from smoking all that pot.
So I think, why not pop into a museum...
I've been to a museum once. It was on a school trip.
A military museum or something. We had to wear these felt slippers.
I skidded into a cannon. Head-on. Got 5 stitches. Fuck the museums, man.
But it wasn't a regular museum. It was a sex museum!
A sex museum?
I know a broad by that name. Lives in my building.
Why do you always have to interrupt me?
Stop staring like an idiot! Move your ass! We're in deep shit!
Shit! He's wearing a uniform! Is he dead?
No, he's just taking a nap. Of course he's dead!
I shot at him twice.
What are we gonna do with him? We'll adopt him? It's all your fault!
You couldn't just stay in bed, could you?
We must get rid of him.
How? We'll roast him for dinner? He's a soldier.
An army of investigators will be all over us before we know it!
Wait a minute!
What's this?
Your jogging tracksuit.
Do you want me to go jogging now? Are you nuts?
The lake. About 15 km from here? We'll drop him in there.
Nobody's gonna make the connection between a jogger and a missing marine.
We have to get him down.
Saint Anthony ready to go?
He's in the box. I'm gonna miss him.
So many years together.
He's just going for renovation. He'll be back as good as new.
Still, it makes me sad to see him go. We've grown used to each other.
I think I'll go in again to say good-bye.
- Don't forget to lock the door! - As if...
Don't you "as if" me. I know you too well.
He had no bullet marks, which means you didn't get him.
- Like it matters now! - How did he die then? Out of fear?
He's dead, and that's the end of it.
What's this piece of junk?
Why doesn't it start?
Time for a swim!
Fuck! We'll never get anywhere on this piece of crap!
- The church! - What now?
Push, go on, push it!
Shit, his legs got all cramped from sitting in that bike. I can't unbend them.
Rest him against the confessional. It will look more natural.
Who's here?
I'd like to confess my sins, father.
But I can't... l'm...
...You're my last hope.
But I...
Hear me out, or I'll be doomed forever.
I'm a terrible sinner.
I like animals.
So did St. Francis. Nothing wrong with that.
But I... like them... too much.
Don't stop them, grandma. They're going the other way.
Goldi, don't get upset. So what did you see at the museum?
A guy with the biggest little pecker in the world!
Was he working there?
No, he was in this picture.
Black-and-white or colour?
What the fuck does it matter?
I'm telling you the guy's wiener was the size of Empire State Building,
and you are testing my knowledge of photographic techniques?
Wanna know whether the finish was glossy or matte?
Come on! If it was the size of the Empire State Building,
it couldn't have been a "little pecker". It's an expression: "to have a little...
But if...
- Fine! He had a gargantuan George! - Are you happy now?
And when did you become a linguist?
See, you've made me miss the exit!
...then there was the squirrel.
But I didn't love him.
It was pure lust.
The Bible says you sin if you cast but one lustful look at a woman.
Squirrels... Pray to the merciful Lord, son; you may be forgiven...
No, you should burn in hell!
Get out! OUT!
Didn't you hear me?
Out! Now!
Oh sweet Mother of Jesus!
See, I knew I was right to wait!
Well. Where's the corpse?
He was in the casket just a minute ago.
He must have risen from the dead.
In twenty minutes' time?
Even Christ Himself took 3 days to do it.
And where's the casket? Up and risen from the dead too?
I smell something fishy here!
Whatever is vicar implying? I am in AA now...
Open your mouth...
Don't move, or I'll shoot you!
Now, who the hell are you?
I am your husband! What are you doing, darling?
I am killing you, darling. I've wanted to do it for a long time.
Don't! I'm not your husband!
No kidding! Of course you aren't! Do you think I'm an utter idiot!
Who are you? The truth!
- I'm his brother! - You're lying!
Piotr never had a brother!
He did. He just didn't know about me.
Our mother abandoned us. He was adopted...
and I grew up in the orphanage.
So you killed him out of envy? For his luck and success?
No! That's not it!
Then why? Why?
This deal is beginning to stink big time. I want out.
Too late. You can't pull out now. It's not the Paris- Dakar race.
This pipeline is a risky business. Journalists are sniffing around.
Even the CBI has started an investigation.
Someone is bound to put two and two together. I'll be fucked.
What are you, a rookie? Don't you know what to do?
Co-op with them, destroy evidence, mess up their leads and clues.
Senator, I'm just a simple CBI agent. I've no ambition to become 007.
It's getting too hot for my comfort. Adieu.
Watch it, or I'll bid "adieu" to you.
For good.
They say you've disappeared from Warsaw.
Are you avoiding me?
Did you have to kill a journalist of biggest paper in the country?
You refused to help me, so I had to help myself.
The deal is off. I want out, and I don't mean maybe.
Oh, you don't? So what are you going to do?
Squeal on me to the police? Or take thee to a nunnery?
I'll get you wherever you go. You'd have dissolve into thin air.
- Perhaps I will. - That's enough.
I'll kill you if you don't cooperate.
/s that c/ear? You're with me or your dead.
Piotr West here.
Marian Tuleja.
I am in Cracow.
How did you guess I wasn't him?
We were identical.
Not quite.
Piotr was impotent.
Oh, shit. That would have never occured to me.
Was that the only reason why you wanted to kill him?
Isn't that enough?
I even hired a hitman.
The skydiver? Some hitman.
He wasn't that bad.
That greedy old man on the train saved your life.
The one at the buffet? The sucker who ate my hot-dogs?
God, life is beautiful, after all.
I so wanted to get rid of Piotr and now, thanks to you, he's gone.
The senator will never find you. You're Piotr West now.
I'll confirm it anytime.
Wait here.
I'll take a shower, and we'll renegotiate our deal.
Many times over... darling.
The man, whose naked body was found in Cracow /ast night...
has been identified as Piotr West, a we//-known businessman.
The po/ice are /ooking for his wife...
Mrs. Sandra West, who has mysterious/y disappeared...
Shit, Zyggie!
All set. We still have some putty left.
What am I to do with them, Henry?
Fire them...
And hire that one over there. He is nicely tranquil.
I know of some deep caves. We could drop him in there.
Oh, we'll fix it. We still have some putty.
I think we should back out of this assignment.
One - the subject of elimination missing from the cabin.
Two - our employer found dead in the shower on the premises.
So? Don't rub so hard, or you'll leave scratch marks.
And we're not going to get the rest of the money!
Do you know why people appreciate Swiss watches the most?
For their consistent quality. It's the reputation. The brand name.
That's why I'd prefer to lose half of my pay than a client's trust.
Even if he's dead.
We'll find the hubby of the late, Mrs. West and we'll finish the job.
But we're not going to use poisoned hot-dogs again, are we?
No, we aren't, Bubbles. We'll do it the classic way.
Breathe in, breathe out. In - Out. That body double trick was smart.
Who was that guy anyway?
My brother.
You killed your own brother? You're CBI scum through and through.
It's a shame your brilliant plan fell through.
The police didn't identify him as Tuleja;
There was no CBI ID, no badge. No papers.
You should try it.
No, thanks.
It's not a recommendation. It's an order.
My own documents were not to be found on him, either...
and they shouldn't be roaming the country.
I'll get them for you, senator. Just give me one more chance.
I've heard that some punk wanted to sell my papers to the press.
Find him before they do.
Yes sir!
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Miss, we're looking for a friend.
Freeze! Police!
What's going on?
A bit too early for the bubbly. Now you must get rid of her.
Dizel and Goldi will be here any minute.
Your faith in them is truly inspiring.
They just had to bring a coffin. They can do that much, I hope.
It must be them now.
Freeze. The police!
That's it. Insalata mista!
How did they find out about the nun?
They're not here about her.
About what then?
The dwarves?
Jesus, you were supposed to burn it!
Well, I thought I was gonna make some dough on the side.
I'm dead meat already.
Take it and get inside!
Are you crazy? I'm not dead yet!
You will be if you don't get in. Go on!
So you know nothing about my briefcase.
Think hard. I'll make you an honest offer.
How honest?
I'll honestly kill you. Painlessly.
You're kidding?
- It wasn't me! It was Goldi! - Are you crazy? Who?
Goldi! He works here. He's the one with the briefcase!
- Where is it now? - What? Goldi?
Goldi put it in the coffin, which the nuns drove away with. I swear!
The briefcase! Don't play stupid with me!
I'm not! It went to Szamocin. That's where the nunnery is.
They are going to bury it tonight. There's this funeral.
- Shit! What's that place called again? - Szamocin. Please, don't hurt me!
Death - does it hurt at all?
I've located the briefcase. I'm going there right now.
There's this Goldi guy... What do we do about him?
Yes, of course. The documents. They are the most important.
Men are like pasta.
You turn up the heat, they go soft.
And so will you.
You poisoned the guy with hot-dogs, si?
He poisoned himself.
- With this balm. - Are you bullshitting me?
No way. Honest. It was the body balm.
Embalming balm, to be precise. For the dead.
Perhaps there is a method in your madness...
because your situation doesn't look good.
Let's see. What have we here?
Primo: The dead guy on the train.
Poisoned with hot-dogs. What's next...?
Secundo: Two guys asking about the dead guy in question;
Tertio: The two guys carry tickets for the transfer in question.
25 years of doing time - it's gonna drag on like imitation mozarella.
Inspector, the papers you wanted weren't at the body shop.
But we've found another body. Of a woman... sort of...
Leave philosophy to the superiors. You just tell it like it is.
It's a nun, sir!
Most interesting.
A case in the spiritual spheres, at last, carbonaras.
What about the perpetrators?
Got them, sir! Two of them, sir!
Or one. It depends on how you look at it.
Don't give me a farfalle here! So how many are there?
Well, two. They are Siamese twins.
Joined at the hip.
Must be all those damn chemicals. Are they talking yet?
They're doing this loony act. They're saying they got the nun by mistake.
By mistake. Yeah, right.
They say they've exchanged her for the body sb's found on the train.
Who wouldn't like to find a body on the train?
But in order to accomplish this you'd have to be me.
Where's the nun?
In the van, outside.
- And the Siamese? - They're being questioned.
You two stay here, gorgonzola! I'm not done with you yet.
You're the dude with the dead nun?
- So what if I am? - You're fucked, that's what.
You were to report an hour ago. Haberek's gone totally bananas.
"Pappardelle!", he was yelling, I'll wring off his pappardelle!"
Get out of here! We'll keep an eye on the nun.
Oh, how beautiful!
I can sense dear Benedicta's spirit watching from above and rejoicing!
And where is Sister Morrison? You two'd better not be late again.
She's in her cell praying.
The naked man who vanda/ized the barbershop /ast night has been
identified as a marine, whose division took part in internationa/ NATO
maneouvres recent/y conc/uded in Po/and. According to the NATO
spokesman, the incident didn't affect the success of the operation...
Are you crazy!
- Men are not allowed in here! - That's why we're hanging outside!
- Cezar! I can't hold on any longer! - What are you doing here?
You are not going to believe it. Even a nun's faith has some limits.
- I've got a cramp! - Shut up! You have to let us inside!
Absolutely not! The wake starts in an hour!
Do you have any idea what's going to be happening here?
We do, actually. Just wait till they open the coffin!
I knew I should have shaved!
Oh, stop it. You better think of what to say to Mother Superior!
Oh, shi... she's from the Curia! These sisters are from the Curia!
The Curia!
What is ailing you, sister?
We make a splendid cordial here, works wonders for toothaches.
I used to be a missionary in Baghdad.
It's just... habit, you see.
A man has penetrated inside our house!
It has never happened before!
I'm not a man.
I'm a CBI officer.
You are in serious danger, and so is our country.
What's the matter?
This is strictly confidential information.
But where is this danger located?
- Where did you get this? - Charity.
Do you think it will be big enough for him?
God willing...
Did you miss me? Because I did...
Quick! There's no time to lose!
Or you will be burying me in a moment!
- Wolter... Please forgive me. - Hey, why is he wearing a tracksuit?
He's been jogging?
With a briefcase?
I hear footsteps!
Hurry up!
They're almost here! It's too late!
Just push him under the catafalque!
The briefcase!
From this moment on everything you see is strictly confidential.
You know, like confession, of sorts.
We don't do confession, colonel. Please take what's yours and get out.
Raise the cover, sister.
What do you think you're doing?!
- Get your paws away from her! - It must be here somewhere!
Is this your confidential material, you pervert?
- I can explain! - No, let me explain something to YOU!
Don't just stand there! Do something!
Fucking Taliban!
Oh, no!
Thank you!
I've got the papers! This Goldi guy?
No, not yet. As you wish.
He's dead meat anyway.
The guy pawing sister Benedicta is the same freak who asked us
the weird question about apple-trees in blossom.
You were right, he's nuts.
- What's wrong? - I'm just tired.
It was crowded, and the nuns kept singing all night long.
Wait - this must be it.
Let go of me!
I'm so very...
very sorry...
I'm sorry times three.
A salesman? We don't need anything!
Madam, forgive me, but I must be blunt.
Your husband is dead.
What's up? The chicken soup's getting cold.
I've no idea.
Oh, I see.
Life abhors vacuum, doesn't it?
A poet or something? Give him some money and get back to the table.
He's no poet. He's a nut. He says you're dead.
Let me take care of that.
So I'm dead, eh?
"Can you hear the song tonight, my sweet Pame/a?
Can you hear the distant cry of the guitars?
Oh, the boys from our pueb/o, they are singing
their /ast song before they /eave this mean o/d town
Hunger's driving us away from empty pampa
Where opuntias'prick/y spikes pierce scorching skies.
We are /eaving for the city, sweet Pame/a
to /ook for the dai/y bread and Lady Luck..."
Now what?
Poland's run out on us!
It's a fake.
I should have noticed it earlier.
Do you remember when Wolter was working at "Exotica" night club?
This guy here is a truck driver.
He'd lost his ID in "Exotica".
I'd like an ice-cream, please.
Beat it, fatso! Go jogging instead!
Man, we have to do something about Wolter.
Seems kind of retarded - storing a pal in a mobile ice-cream box.
We have to bury him.
I know. But where? On the beach?
Any other ideas?
I have one!
Dearly beloved. Misery loves company.
Two days ago we said goodbye to Adas Dizel.
Today we bid our last farewell to our friend Emil Karpatka,
AKA Goldi.
The ruthless hand of Death reaped this young life far too soon.
What are you doing here, colonel?
Working up an appetite before dinner?
Don't get smart with me.
If it were up to me, you would never have got out as long as you lived.
Well, like you said. It isn't up to you. Do you know my brother?
A very honest man.
He's depressed. Did you know Goldi?
A wonderful boy. I was like a father to him.
And I like an uncle. A most terrible thing.
Poisoned with some Russian concoction.
Let me introduce, my new employee - Wolter.
He's replaced Goldi, may he RIP.
Where to, boss?
To the clinic, you moron.
He pulled out a gun, and...
Watch it, shitpants!
I warned you. Granny is going to punish you.
No, no! I'm telling you! It's Tigger!
We were such retards not to have seen it right away!
Tigger? He's so immature! All he ever does is bounce!
Exactly! So he could have bounced Kanga.
He's her roommate after all.
Only because she gives him cod liver oil.
- Maybe it's Christopher Robin. - Somehow I never liked the SOB.
Would you give me a shave?
I would appreciate it if you left these premises immediately.
Excuse me?
Get the fuck out of here!
Fuck shaving. I'm growing a beard.
Whatever. You're ugly anyway. It's Rabbit!
Rabbit! You're ugly yourself! It's Tigger!
It's not Tigger! It's Rabbit!
Wolter... Please forgive me...
Hey, why is he wearing a tracksuit?
He's been jogging?
Hurry up!
Lose the finger! Do it with the eyes!
I have. I've been out.
But not to murder. To pee.
To pee? Of course. What else? Fettuccine...
Good morning.
Miss, we're looking for a friend. We seem to have lost him.
Actually, we've lost his body.
He's got these bulging eyes...
We'd like to inquire... perhaps you know where he might be?
Yes, no problem. Please wait here.
Thank you.
Police? Yes, that's right. Two suspects.
Yes. Oh, two bozos.
Caccia alla volpe - After The Fox
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Countess Dracula (1970)
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