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Couch Trip The 1988

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Is the sweetheart you married...
the husband you expected him to be?
Has the war created...
new problems for you in your marriage?
To answer these and other personal problems...
John J. Anthony...
founder of the famed Marital Relations lnstitute...
in a brand-new program of daily sessions...
of kindly and helpful advice.
Mr. Anthony, are you ready for your first case?
Quite ready, George.
The first case is that of Miss C.A.
All right. Let's go. Your problem, please? Come in.
Broadcasting's original program of mediation...
"The Court Of Human Relations."
I wonder if we're not losing sight of the fact...
that the basic reality of life...
is not machinery or politics or industry...
or even rockets to the moon, but human relationships.
Tonight, one of the letters I'll discuss...
is this one from a man who writes...
"My second wife is starting to resent me...
"for all the things I did with my first wife.
"How can I convince her that I love her...
"and want us to have many happy years together?"
Please stay tuned.
Possibly you see these as feminine qualities.
Now, we all have feminine qualities.
We're a part of male and female.
Every man has a tiny vagina...
and every woman has a tiny penis--
very, very tiny, but it's there.
We are part of a total whole...
and if we accept this whole within ourselves...
then we can become an entire person...
and accept ourselves and love ourselves...
and become lovable so others can love us as well.
Yes, that's right.
-Burns, someone escaped. -Oh, good.
Goddamn it! How did Lopez get out on that ledge?
He stole Watkins' key and opened the window.
Wait a minute. How did Lopez get that key?
Was Watkins stoned again?
Yes, sir. -All right.
Let's go bring in Lopez, and you call Chuck...
and tell him, "Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
It's driving me nuts!
Hey, where are you going?
I can't concentrate with alarm bells going off.
I got a friend out on that ledge...
gonna be thrown into solitary.
That's it. No more messing around with the inmates.
I'm sticking to the doctors and the guards.
It won't be as much fun.
I want you to come in here this instant.
All right. Let's talk. I'm here for you.
I'm--I'm here to listen.
-Up yours, man. -All right.
What I hear you saying is "Up mine, man."
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
OK. What I hear you saying is a lot of up mines...
and that's really good-- listen--
because you're starting to work out some of your anger.
Go ahead, give it to me. I can take it. I'm your man.
You're full of shit.
-What I hear you saying-- -Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
Now back the fuck off!
I hear you.
Goddamn it, I thought I told you...
to beef up his dose of thorazine.
-I think we did. Yeah.
I'm your doctor! Now get the hell off this ledge!
-Burns? -Burns!
Dr. Baird! What the heck...
are you two guys doing out here tonight?
Get out of here.
I get it. You're having a private therapy session.
-Burns, get back now! -I want to talk to Burns.
I don't give a shit what you want!
That's very sensitive of you.
Lawrence? May I speak with you privately, inside?
I can handle this.
What makes you think you're qualified?
This time, he's jumping.
Next time, he may be pushing others.
-He's a menace to society. -Only if he falls on somebody.
Remember, I'm the doctor. You're just an inmate.
Yes, Doctor. Now would you please close the window?
So, what's the thinking here?
I'm thinking I can fly. And if not, who gives a shit?
And what about our dreams, man? The dream of you and me...
playing for the Cubs in the World Series?
You're pitching. I'm catching. Bases are jammed in the ninth.
I call for the spitter.
You hork up an ungodly goober...
fire it up, the bottom drops out of the pitch.
Mattingly strikes out!
And when the dust clears, man, it's you and me...
sitting around at Hef's in the grotto...
with a bunch of ladies named Miss February.
-No way, man. -And why not?
'Cause even in a dream...
the Cubs can't win a World Series.
-To hell with it. I'm jumping. -Wait! Wait!
Now, here's an aspect of your death...
that you may have overlooked.
You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?
I hate the miserable bastard.
Just think how awful you could make him feel...
if I can talk you off this ledge...
and succeed where he failed.
-Get in here. -Wait a minute.
Now, all those people down there...
have come here expecting someone to jump.
And if nobody does, they are going to leave here...
with an empty, unsatisfied...
what-is-the-point-of-my-job kind of feeling.
-Do you know what I mean? -No, and I don't care.
Well, that's the difference between you and me.
I do care. And now...
diving for the Cicero County Correctional Mental Facility...
John William Burns, Jr.
Geronimo! Heads up!
It's a beautiful day outside. Don't you want to get up today?
But you've been in bed for two weeks.
Well, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think that's odd?
I brought you some lunch.
George, I really think this is one of your worst depressions.
Am I alone in this marriage, Vera?
How many times do I have to tell you?
I'm not depressed. I just need space.
What about your radio show and your patients?
Patients? With their petty penis problems...
and their empty vaginal concerns?
Those vampires are sucking the life out of me!
All right, I'm going to do a little shopping.
Can I get you anything?
I love you.
I can't deal with that, either.
All right, George. Time to say good-bye.
Tell me something. When did you two angels of mercy...
first feel the burning need...
to assist the mentally handicapped?
When we found out we could hit them...
without getting caught.
Hi, Robin. How are you?
-He's all yours. -I've heard that before.
So, kid, you missed my dive.
It was a classic. But you'll be able...
to see it on the eleven o'clock news.
Please, let me take you away from all of this.
I think my boss is planning...
to take you away from all of this.
Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.
I'm sorry, Dr. Baird's no longer...
connected with this institution in any way...
shape, fashion, or form.
He can be reached at the Betty Ford Clinic.
As a patient.
What am I supposed to say when they call back?
Tell them the truth.
He's a hopeless case. He's never getting out.
You embarrassed me.
You embarrassed the hospital, the staff...
and the entire state health care system...
all for a cheap laugh.
It was not cheap.
It won't happen again, 'cause you know what I got here?
Your record.
Great. Put on side two. Let's rock.
Now, that was cheap, sir, by way of illustrating--
Shut up.
Thrown out of Cornell. Dumped by the Army.
Sentenced to four years in Joliet for computer fraud.
I'm a pathetic human being, sir...
a pathological misfit with delusions of grandeur.
I think Jung said it best, or perhaps it was from...
"The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness--"
A little learning is a dangerous thing.
Do I at least get points for self-knowledge?
What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...
is your transfer back to prison.
Doesn't take too much to shut you up, does it?
You're here because you were able to convince...
a bleeding-heart warden that you were crazy.
I know you're not crazy.
You're just another asshole looking for a way out.
Now, this order is undated and unsigned...
and it stays that way if you behave.
If not, your ass is back in prison.
Need I say more?
Actually, I think we can contain this problem.
You're not broadcasting for a couple of days.
I'll just get the P.R. guys to start deflecting the flack.
I did not have a nervous breakdown...
and I did not try to kill myself.
I'm simply a man who, under a lot of stress...
took a few too many valium.
-lt was twenty-seven. -Were you actually counting?
I'm a big fan of yours, Dr. Maitlin.
My name is Klevin...
and I really think your radio show is special.
Thank you.
You saved my life one time. -Really? I did?
I was living in one of those...
depressing apartments in North Hollywood.
It was one of those hot July eighth kind of--
You know what, Klevin?
I really can't cope with this right now.
I'm under a tremendous amount of stress.
Get me out of here.
Dr. Rosenberg...
I've got to get out of L.A.
I'm being constantly recognized. I'm not getting any rest.
You're in no shape to go anywhere.
Actually, George has a point.
People find out he's at a you-know-what...
and tried to commit you-know-what...
it would be very bad for business.
Harvey, book me to London.
Tell everybody that I'm off on a six-month sabbatical...
to do research on my next book.
Do you think you're in any kind of shape to write a book?
There's no book. It's just a business lie.
Was there something wrong with the service?
-Did I offend you in some way? -What do you want?
The gratuity was a bit scarce.
I see. You want more money?
Leeches! This is what you get for saving somebody's life!
They want more, more--more time, more money, more love!
We'll pay for it.
Is everyone all right except the waiter?
Maybe it would be a good idea to get George out of town.
-Thank you. You're welcome.
I need to find a replacement--
someone from a mediocre medical school.
Someone who can take over my practice...
without really curing anyone.
Someone who can continue my radio show...
without helping anyone and making me look bad.
In other words, a bum.
Right, but make sure it's an out-of-state bum.
Why? Because every therapist in this town...
is insanely jealous of me.
Find me some convention in London...
so I can write it off.
I just want to go to sleep.
-Fastball. -Good.
If you're gonna play in the Major Leagues...
you've got to learn what the signals are.
This is important, OK? Now...
-Spitball. -Good.
Happy hour.
Look, you're interrupting the game, all right?
Now get off the field.
Open your mouth.
You know how I enjoy opening it for you.
Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.
Watkins, I'm so sorry! I accidentally did that.
But now I'm dancing on them. I'm right out of control!
Help me.
Sunlight comes at daytime
And the moonlight comes at night
You call my name
And I get a fever when you hold me tight
You give me fever
It's so wrong. He's my husband.
You're his lawyer and best friend.
From now on, just think of me as his lawyer.
What if George's depression is because he knows about us?
-Did he say anything? -No.
-Good! -What are you doing?
All I can think about is having you on my desk.
-It's so wrong. -I'm so tired of what's right.
-Are you all right? -No, we're not all right.
Thank you. You've been very helpful.
Not at all.
Is that a Chloe or a Montana?
-It's a Gee Kee. -Outrageous.
This ought to cheer you up.
I think I found the perfect guy.
-He's in Chicago. -Good. Who is he?
His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird. He's chief psychiatrist...
for the Cicero County Corrections Mental Facility--
a real dump, which ought to satisfy...
Maitlin's out-of-state requirements.
-That's good. -Secondly...
he wrote his doctoral thesis on Maitlin's theory...
of psychocerebral equilibrium, so he's in alignment...
with Maitlin's theoretical approach.
Perfect. Is he too smart?
He graduated from Florida State University...
with a C-plus average.
The guy's lucky to be working.
The sleeves on this jacket are awfully long.
I always like to show a little linen at the cuff.
You're a smart ass...
and you'll always be a smart ass.
Now your smart ass is going back to prison.
They won't take me.
You convinced them you were crazy.
You were "eating paint chips off the windowsills...
"and licking dust off the tops of radiators."
That part was easy. Then I got really carried away.
You know, paper clips, plastic forks...
-Kleenex, Naugahyde. -An epicure! Good!
I think I can arrange a loaf of bread...
a jug of water, and thou licking the floor...
of maximum solitary.
I'm impressed. You have quite a way with words.
One would think you'd be thought of around here...
as a poet instead of an ignorant, puffed-up...
smidgen of blowfish shit.
A self-destructive need to defy authority.
Now that's convincing.
Come to think of it, Joliet isn't really...
the right environment for you.
You require something more specialized.
They've got this endorphin research...
going on at Stateville Sanitarium.
Research? That's very exciting!
Plenty of long needles and heavy sedation.
Trouble is...
they need maximum-risk psychopathic patients.
They'll be happy to hear I found them one.
Where is he? I'd love to meet him.
A subject for all those experiments...
they want to do on you...
for the rest of your four-year stretch.
And with you out of my way...
I can take my vacation in peace.
Lopez is screaming his head off in solitary.
Don't go away.
I'm not quite finished with you.
May I speak to Dr. Baird, please?
This is Dr. Baird.
I hope you don't mind. I'm using my speaker phone.
Not at all. This is Harvey Michaels.
I'm the attorney for the Greater Los Angeles...
Neuro-Psychiatric Society.
I'm calling on behalf of Dr. George Maitlin.
Never heard of him.
Didn't you do your doctoral thesis...
on Maitlin's theory of psychocerebral equilibrium?
Oh, that Maitlin. How is the old fraud?
Dr. Maitlin had to leave suddenly for Europe...
and he asked me to find a replacement for him...
while he was away.
What kind of money are we talking about here?
Let's just say that Dr. Maitlin...
has about the most successful practice...
in Southern California.
I don't like that word "about"...
especially when we're talking about money.
Could you volunteer a few numbers?
I'd say Dr. Maitlin makes in the vicinity of--
give or take a few dollars-- a million a year.
Are you there, doctor?
I'm here, Harvey, but I'm coming there.
-Great! When can you start? -ls tomorrow too late?
I need to get released from a few things.
He'll be here tomorrow.
Shouldn't we tell him about the radio show?
I don't want to scare him off. He's perfect.
Greedy and dumb-- my favorite combination.
Are you there?
We're all set. We're all set, Doctor.
I'm going to leave a ticket for you...
at Continental-- first class, of course.
Only way to go!
It'll be a great pleasure to meet you.
Just call me Larry.
He wants us to call him Larry.
What was that all about?
My future. Here, get me out of this.
You must be joking. -Just for five minutes.
But Baird could be back any second.
That's why we have to hurry.
Gentlemen, aren't you supposed to be at your station?
-Lunch. -Official break.
That's a new one.
You're stealing my ambulance pager.
I'm not. I'm redesigning it. May I have a hairpin, please?
You're such a crook.
Hurry, please!
You didn't know I was this good with my hands.
Yes, I did.
Dr. Baird's office.
I love you, baby.
Are you planning to escape?
Let's call it unauthorized egress.
That's where your pager comes in.
-And my hairpin. -Get that so he can't see it.
Even if you made it out of the building...
how do you expect to get past the guard gate?
Well, Robin, that's where you come in.
I was hoping that you could park your car...
out front with the keys above the sun visor?
You're crazy. -Not according to Dr. Baird.
-Any calls? -It's been very quiet.
Thanks to you and your little tap dance...
Lopez is now doing his carrot impression.
You'll be out of here tomorrow.
I sure hope so.
It's all set.
You're excused.
Jack, this is Dr. Baird.
Would you and Phil please come to my office?
Yes, sir. Right away.
I've been much too harsh on you...
for these minor infractions.
Come down to my office immediately.
Baird's off his rocker.
-Security. -Chuck, Jack Watkins here.
What the hell's going on down there?
Baird's up with the goddamn catatonics...
and the alarm bells are going off.
I don't get any signal down here.
-They're all turned off. -No, they ain't.
They're ringing. I can hear 'em.
And Baird's having a hot-dipped shit fit.
-Nobody's flashing. -Don't tell me goddamn nothing.
Them alarm bells are ringing. Now get to that main terminal...
and turn off the main switch right now.
He ain't there.
He gets weirder all the time.
Good evening.
I believe you have a prepaid ticket for Baird.
B-a-i-r-d? Right?
-Dr. Baird? Yeah. Doctor. That's me.
I'm that doctor. That's my ticket.
All set, Dr. Baird.
Your flight will be boarding at gate seven.
Just what the doctor ordered-- this doctor.
-Sir? -No handcuffs.
Can I have your name, please?
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
Can I offer you anything, Dr. Baird?
A bag of macadamia nuts, all your available cheeses...
a dozen raspberries with creme fraiche...
and a double shot of Black Bush.
-On top of the raspberries? -I'll take it neat.
-Neat? -No ice.
Then the filet mignon--rare-- and the duck and the fish.
Blanket, pillow, eye shades, a pair of...
So, the guy turns to the lady, and he says...
"Lady, you look like a very nice woman.
"Where are you from?" She says, "I'm from Queens."
He says, "Queens? I'm from natural parents myself."
Speaking of queens, you are two genuine queens.
And so are you--just kidding.
Captain, thanks for letting me sit in your lap.
I felt like an 8-year-old kid. Really. All right.
Hey! I'm Baird.
I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?
Hey, you! With the sign!
Luscious one! I'm the man...
you've been waiting for your whole life.
Aren't you supposed to pick up Dr. Lawrence Baird?
Yes. -That's me, Dr. Baird.
I just saw my name on your sign.
Should I give you my fingerprint chart?
Do I have to call security?
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
I was contacted by Harvey Michaels.
I'm supposed to be filling in for Dr. George Maitlin.
You're not what I was expecting.
I'm just dressed a little hipper than you thought, huh?
What, this look hasn't hit L.A.?
It's the newest trend-- inner city funk.
I'm Maitlin's associate, Dr. Rollins.
Did the plane crash? Am I in heaven?
I must be dreaming. Pinch me. Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
The car's outside...
so if you'll give me your claim checks...
I'll have your bags picked up.
No bags. Mugged in Chicago.
Right in long-term parking at the airport.
Three guys this big. One had his arm around my neck.
The other went through my pockets.
-And what did the third do? -He encouraged them.
Trees suffer, too...
palm, elm, oleander, eucalyptus.
You ladies care to save the eucalypti?
Listen to the high-frequency sounds...
they make when they're being cut!
I'd like you to meet Oscar Hendricks.
He's the station manager and producer of your radio show.
Radio show?
Welcome to L.A., Doctor. Where's your luggage?
Dr. Baird has no luggage.
We can go straight to the Bel Air.
-Excuse us. -Doctor?
Sir? You hear that noise?
Those are ultrahigh frequency sounds...
made by ivy weeping...
during a cross-pollination experimentation at U.C. Davis.
Who speaks for horticulture?
-Doctor, you certainly-- -Look, ease up on me, pal.
I'm just beginning to enjoy my jet lag.
I know you're busy.
Only God can make a tree, but only you can spare one.
My friend, I think at this juncture...
I should explain something to you.
I was born in a lovely little Midwestern town--
Webster City, lowa. Maybe you know it.
Lived on a quiet street, beautiful little white house.
Outside my bedroom window...
there was a spectacular, huge, giant elm tree.
One night, there was a fierce hailstorm.
That tree was hit by lightning and fell.
Took out half the house and killed my puppy Dwayne.
Ever since then, no plant has been a friend of mine.
Wait a second, Doctor. Wait a second.
Those pants look familiar. That stripe down there--
Of course they look familiar to you...
if you've got a subscription to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."
And incidentally, they grind up twenty-five maples...
for the September issue.
Did you hear that, everybody?
A doctor who won't help his little green friends.
Don't you know that no man is so tall...
as when he stoops to pet a plant?
I'm sorry. You'll have to keep moving.
-I'm sorry. -This is police brutality!
How does it feel to be uprooted?
Put me down!
Let go of me, will you?
How long have you been a policeman? Help!
Help! Police brutality!
Is this really necessary?
All of a sudden, the rich Beverly Hills doctor cares.
Isn't that touching?
Do you want to press charges?
You bet I do. This man's a menace to society.
All right. Come on.
What did you think about his display...
of negative delusionary fixations about plant life?
I believe in the secret life of plants.
In fact, I consulted on that book.
So where are they gonna take him, anyway?
If he's lucky, L.A. County Psychiatric.
He's not crazy.
That's a pretty speedy diagnosis, Doctor.
Antisocial behavior just happens to be...
my professional specialty.
You have lunch with Michaels at the hotel at 12:00.
That's good, because there's nothing in here.
Well, I didn't expect you wanted anything...
at nine o'clock in the morning.
You forgot. It's later back east.
Well, after lunch--
What's the number at the hotel?
-What? -What's the number of the hotel?
472-1 21 1!
Turned out to be just your old gym socks.
Then at 3:30, you'll be at the radio station!
Is it like a panel show-- me with a bunch other doctors?
It's a call-in show...
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
...vending-machine photo of you and Sally...
and a partially used box of Mentor condoms.
My favorite brand.
It made me proud to think that my son...
is one of those people who can have his cake...
and eat it, too. Son, I'm proud of you.
And I'm proud of your choice of condoms.
Love, Dad.
This is Dr. Baird.
I'll be checking in shortly, and I wondered...
if could you send some things to my room?
Well, how about a case of Millers, ice cold...
and a pound of Beluga caviar.
Do you think one pound of caviar will be enough, Doctor?
Maybe you're right. Make that two pounds of caviar...
and throw in some cheese puffs.
What are those big white things?
They're swans. They belong to the hotel.
-Are they dangerous? -Hardly.
That's right, and a pair of shoes, size ten.
-10 1/2 "D" wide. -10 1/2 "D" wide.
-Boots. -Make that boots.
-With corn pads. -With corn pads.
-And arch supports. -And arch supports. Thank you.
You know how I like my shirts?
Shirts should match the suits.
You mean a la page.
Excuse me.
Here you go. Thank you.
Why, thank you, sir.
Would you like some caviar? We've got plenty.
-No, thank you. -All right.
I thought they took your wallet.
They did, but when you live in Chicago...
you always keep a couple of extra bucks...
in your hollowed-out heel.
Well, your clothes will be delivered before lunch.
Thank you, Doctor.
No trouble, Doctor.
Thank you.
-Lawrence. -Harvey.
My assistant Perry Kovin.
-How do you do? -Dr. Baird.
And here's to a successful practice, Lawrence.
-May I call you Larry? -Sure.
By the way, Harvey, how long does this job last?
At least six months.
Six months. That is a fair chunk of my time.
It could be a little less.
Six months will cost you half a mil.
I'd like 200 thou up-front.
That's steep.
I'll tell you what. You go and find...
a psychiatrist with my qualifications...
who's willing to give up his practice and come here...
with no guarantees and no cash up-front.
I'm sure he's out there...
but he probably doesn't speak English.
Your practice, Larry, consists of a couple of wards...
of indigent psychotics and jailbirds.
You don't have a private practice.
You work for the county...
and drive a Volare without a radio.
The best year you ever had, you made, what, 30,000?
We're thinking of offering you in the neighborhood of...
I'm anxious to move out of that neighborhood.
And frankly, if you could have gotten somebody else...
you would have grabbed them. But I'm the one you wanted.
And now you don't want me, so, fine. I'm histoire.
I think we all want to make this work.
I'll just have to call Dr. Maitlin.
After all, it's his money.
You talk to him.
No lunch?
I have a broadcast to do... maybe.
And you have an important phone call to make.
So, ciao, now.
I have something to confess to you.
I've done something wrong.
I can't keep it inside anymore.
Did you eat all of the cucumber sandwiches?
The reason I may or may not have had a nervous breakdown...
and may have subconsciously tried to kill myself--
not that I'm saying I did--
is because of the incredible guilt that I felt...
for the absolutely despicable act that I have committed.
What is it?
I had sex with one of my patients.
Excuse me?
I--I had sex with a patient.
I'm sorry?
I had sex with a patient!
You had sex with one of your patients?
Phone call for you, sir.
-What do you want? -We have to talk.
This isn't a good time. What is it?
What's a Baird?
Lawrence Baird, the guy from Chicago...
who's taking over for you. He's being tough.
He wants 200,000 up-front.
I will not be held up for $200,000 up-front.
George, darling, put on your thinking cap.
You want me to shut down your practice?
You want your radio patients tuning to another station?
Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.
Get a receipt.
These are the sales offices. Hi, Charlie.
I'm back.
Say, what is this guy Maitlin, anyway--
some kind of a road-company Dr. Ruth?
You'll see.
Welcome. Nice to see you again.
-Now, had a nice lunch? Yeah, sure.
Let me fill you in with the details.
The program runs two hours...
and there are twelve commercial breaks.
Now, if you'll sit down over here--
Oscar, just a sec. Excuse me for a second.
Gentlemen, where's my money?
It's being transferred from Switzerland.
It's just gonna take a couple of days.
-Forty-eight hours, then? -Great.
I'm going to need some walking-around money.
We heard about the mugging. OK, so I'll send...
what, a couple hundred to the hotel?
I was thinking more like a couple of thousand.
Just to walk around?
Gentlemen, when I feel a lack of support...
something very, very strange happens to my larynx!
And if that happens, I will not be able to help...
all those troubled people out there in radioland.
So we'd better arrange-- thank--thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And now from the Palm Garden room...
high atop the Knickerbocker Hotel...
it's the sound of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.
The love boat, a good train, a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
Tonight on "MacGyver."
Now, what does all this stuff do?
Now, the most important thing is the dump button.
You're on a seven-second delay.
Anyone gets too vulgar or intimate...
you press the button, and it cuts them off the air.
These are neat.
They're just special-effects buttons.
Now, you've got three commercials to read...
and they're numbered here, and they're laid out for you.
When she goes like this...
that means the commercial break...
and that's when you read the commercials.
And please, put this in your ear.
I know you're gonna be brilliant. I'm so excited!
I wouldn't put it anywhere else.
You're beautiful, Hendricks. Don't ever change, babe.
Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
the program that invites you...
the radio audience, to phone in...
and discuss your problems with qualified psychiatrists.
Today, substituting for Dr. George Maitlin...
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
Hi, everybody.
Hi. This is Dr. Baird, and you're on the air.
We've got our first call today from Palos Verdes--
Scott. Hello, Scott. You're on the air.
I guess Scott's not quite ready...
to deal with his problem yet, so we're gonna give him...
a couple of minutes and he'll collect his thoughts.
Going on to our next call now from West Covina--
Ida. Hello, lda. You're on the air.
Hi there, lda. What's your problem?
Well, it's not really a problem, Dr. Baird.
Then why are you calling?
Recently, I met an old school friend.
Let me ask you something. How old are you?
Fifty-nine. Anyway, I ran into this man--
Just a minute.
Sweetie, I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.
What was that there? Who were you just talking to?
-My daughter. -OK, got it.
-I got the door closed. -Good.
And when we met, he was very happy to see me.
I mean, we hadn't seen each other in forty years.
And he told me he thought I was still beautiful...
and he wants to have lunch with me.
That's great. Sounds like fun.
I said no, naturally, of course not.
But after thinking it over, I mean, it kind of excited me.
You married, lda? -Very happily, and so is he.
It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
Nothing like that. It just makes me feel young...
and I guess a little romantic.
Now, what really goes through your head...
when you think about having lunch with this man?
Just off the top?
A nice time-- maybe flowers on the table...
glasses of wine.
Now, come on. What are you really thinking about?
I guess it's a lot of flattery, too.
Come on.
You're thinking penis and vagina here, right?
Maybe he throws you on the table, spills the wine...
knocks over the flowers, and you do it right there?
-lt would ruin my marriage. -Right, but what do you care?
Some hot sex in the afternoon.
When was the last time you had it? It'd be worth it.
Absolutely not. I love my husband.
I want my marriage. I was just talking about lunch.
Bullshit! You were not talking about lunch.
You're talking about hot...
sweaty bodies in a steaming, humping mass.
Well, l--you see, l--
Look, the point is, it's OK to fantasize.
But you just have to be aware that sometimes...
these hidden feelings can come up out of your psyche...
and kick you in the ass when you least expect it, OK?
Yes, Doctor. Thank you.
We're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
and we're going to take a break for a commercial now.
"A public service message from the National...
"Hang Gliding Club President's Memorial Foundation.
"Hang gliding is a fun sport...
"but sometimes accidents happen.
"lf you have a loved one...
"whose wings may have folded up in mid-soar...
"The National Hang Gliding Club President's...
"Memorial Foundation can help with counseling...
"and discounts on new replacement equipment.
"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F. at 1-800-BlG-FALL."
Everything's going swimmingly.
Good. I'm glad you're happy.
Teensy tadpoles of concern--
you took an awfully long time with your first caller...
and I think your advice is a bit too specific.
The references to penises and vaginas...
should be toned down just a smidge.
So I should use alternative terms like...
dick, wang, purple bulb, midget fireman's helmet...
Iove sausage, and bearded clam?
I mean, this is a conservative afternoon drive-time show...
and we try to keep things on an even-keelish level.
Now do you know what I mean?
I guess so. I'm sorry.
Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
The phone lines are jammed.
Oh Dear. Start writing our apology to the F.C.C.
So I did it, and I hate myself for it.
What is this jerk's name?
I don't want any trouble.
Here's what you do.
Next time that asshole comes on to you...
you grab the son of a bitch by the balls...
and give them a good yank. If that doesn't fix...
his little red pig of a wagon, you call me...
and I'll come down there and deal with that fuck.
Next call, Caroline from Topanga.
-Did Baird just say "fuck"? -I think so.
You can't say "fuck" on the radio.
Apparently Baird can.
He said "balls," "asshole"...
"son of a bitch," and finally "fuck."
We're OK on "balls." We're iffy on "son of a bitch."
And even "asshole" is somewhat...
anatomically potentially forgivable...
But there's no getting around "fuck."
How many negative calls?
None of them. They all want to talk to Baird.
Go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
We have Yuri from Encino. Go ahead, Yuri.
Doctor, I have a problem satisfying my partners.
-What business are you in? -I mean the other ones.
You mean sexual partners.
I mean, just the mention of the word "sex," and l--
It sounds to me, sitting here several miles away...
that you have a case of premature ejaculation--
and a pretty severe one at that. The first thing I'd suggest...
is not to feel too bad about it.
It happens to all men at some point in their lives.
But mine's been going on twenty-five years.
I can't look at a woman. I can't even think about sex.
Doctor, it just happened again.
Just calm down now and relax.
Let's try something here. Think about something...
that could not possibly arouse you.
For instance...
fixing the transmission in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.
That's what always works for me.
I like to mentally put on my overalls...
take my mechanic's palette...
slide along the floor under the drive shaft...
pass the universal joint, grab the joint on the way by...
and wiggle it back and forth, check it for play.
Then get to the bell housing and take out your ratchet...
unscrew all the bolts...
and separate the bell housing from the rest of the apparatus.
And there you can feel for splines...
and spread the planetary gears.
You are getting sexually excited...
as I sit here and talk about transmission repair.
I think you'd better come down to my office.
I couldn't afford it, Doctor.
If you need to talk, just come on down...
and we'll talk. There's no charge.
Really? What's your address?
I just got into town, and I'm working...
out of the offices of Dr. George Maitlin...
in Beverly Hills. Come down and see me. We'll talk.
No charge whatsoever. Thank you.
I've got everybody in my control booth here...
signaling me like crazy for a commercial.
They've got these funny...
desperate looks on their faces...
Iike it'd be the end of the world...
if I don't stop for some silly announcement.
But your problems are more important.
And if you're like Yuri, you cannot afford therapy...
come on down and see me at the offices...
of George Maitlin in Beverly Hills.
Otherwise, keep those calls coming...
until they drag me off, pull the plug...
or everybody in L.A. is cured!
-How was l? You were fine.
-I wasn't any better than fine? You were better than fine.
By the way, here's a message...
from someone who didn't want to talk on the air.
He's a friend of yours from this morning...
and he knows where you got your pants.
See? I told you those pants would be all the rage someday.
Donald Becker. He's your garden-variety misfit...
in and out of here every couple of weeks.
He doesn't fit in anywhere-- not in prison...
not here, not on the streets.
So, in other words, society rotates him.
Dr. Smet, you ever look around this place...
at these patients and think...
there but for the grace of God, go l?
We're supposed to study emotions, not have them.
Spoken like a true healer.
Can I have the Becker release forms, please?
He's gonna be a little groggy. We had to sedate him.
Is this the kind of place where if anything moves...
you whack it with a thousand mikes of chlortianazine.
My, didn't we get out...
on the wrong side of the couch this morning?
Here, sign all five copies.
Dr. Baird has generously given...
his personal guarantee for Donald Becker.
He'll be released with his usual...
seven-day maintenance prescription.
It'll make it much easier to handle that way.
I got you into this. Now I'll get you out.
Here's $50. Have a nice life. You don't have to thank me.
Wait a minute. Where you going?
Mr. Becker, out there is life's highway.
The farthest journey begins with a single step...
and I want you as far away from me as possible.
Fifty bucks isn't gonna buy me off.
What I know is worth a lot more than that.
What do you know?
Those pants you were wearing.
Prison issue in Texas, Arkansas, and lllinois.
I had a friend who was buried in them.
I knew it, even though...
the son of a bitch who sold them to me...
swore they were one of a kind.
I don't know.
There's an air about you-- a certain look.
You don't seem like a doctor to me.
You look like a malcontent misfit...
who skirted around society's edges...
and never done shit. Takes one to know one.
So either you share the wealth with me...
or you share the cell with me.
You know, I could get used to a place like this.
Could really, really mellow out.
Before you get too mellow...
give me the rest of those drugs.
What are you--
That's my--my pills, my maintenance dose.
Hope they got cable.
I won't be able to watch regular TV without drugs.
Yes, that's a one-way ticket to Mexico City.
Let me ask you something.
Is there anything more expensive than first class?
Too bad.
No, leave the departure open.
A flight leaves every night at 10:00?
I'll leave payment at the front desk. Ciao.
What's all this stuff about?
You ever heard of the Klephthes?
-What? -They were my ancestors.
That hardy band of Greek patriots...
who held the hills during the Turkish conquest.
They were known as the Klephthes...
hence, kleptomaniacs.
Their revenge was taking everything in sight.
You know, my ancestors were Toro Fecundians.
They had the ability to smell bullshit a mile away.
Why do I have to come with you? I could be so happy here.
"A," because you're in my custody...
"B," I don't trust you, and "C," the maids refuse...
to clean the room with you in it.
Are you sure that this is your office?
-ls that him? -What's going on here, Officer?
Some shrink named Baird offered free therapy on the radio...
and all these people showed up.
This is a bad dream, and you're late for Mrs. Guber.
And what is he doing here?
I'm here because I'm desperately in love with you.
I have been from the moment we met at the airport.
I could tell I aroused an emotion in you.
I knew it was only disgust, but I can build on that.
-Becker. -Will you marry me?
Cease and desist. Give me five minutes.
Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...
we're going to have to reschedule today.
Reschedule? Doctor, please.
This can't wait. I need your help now!
I'm having a power struggle with my maid...
and she's winning.
-Any ideas, Dr. Rollins? You're the idea man.
Doctor, forget about those freebies.
What about me and Maria?
We want Baird!
History teaches us, among other things...
that most power struggles are based on money and/or religion.
Now, did you have any religious differences...
with your maid?
-We ironed those out years ago. -Anybody have a pen?
Thank you.
Your five minutes are up. What are you going to do?
I know what I'd do if I were in Chicago.
What's that?
I'd take them all to a ball game.
Thank you very much, patients...
for coming to our free therapy session today.
As announced on the radio, all therapy and treatment...
today is absolutely free.
The buses have been categorized...
as to particular condition and ailment.
All sexual malfunctions and dysfunctions...
on bus number one. Penis envy?
Come on, now. Penis envy?
Girls, come on. We're all in this together. Come on.
Penis envy? On board, please. Thank you very much.
Premature ejaculators and non-ejaculators.
Now, come on, now. Premature and non-ejaculators.
Premature ejaculators, non-ejaculators...
and retrograde ejaculators on board, please.
Nymphomaniacs. Don't let me out of your sight.
Nymphomaniacs, please come with me.
Thank you very much. Bus number five...
all other forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior.
And bus number six, schizophrenics.
Actually, schizophrenics...
you get to choose between one and six...
and bus number six, all others, please.
All right, Doctor. We're all set.
We're playing New York at one o'clock.
I got you 280 bleacher section seats...
and the buses are prepaid...
and here's the microphone you asked for.
Great job. Why don't you join us?
No, thank you.
Come on. I got a section reserved here on the special...
just for people who have a compulsive need to brown-nose.
Relax. Take a load off those knees.
All abo-o-o-oard!
Guy goes to a shrink.
Says, "Last night, I dreamt I was a wigwam.
"Night before, I dreamt I was a tepee.
"What's it all mean?" Shrink says...
"It's very simple. It means you're two tents."
Get it? Tense!
You're a beautiful audience-- absolutely fantastic.
He's brilliant, or he's a fool. One or the other.
We'll try to work through your problems here today...
and see what we can do, see if we can help each other.
Who's first?
Here's a lady. All right. Where are you from?
Susan, from Hollywood.
From Hollywood. What's your dream?
I dreamed recently that I was crossing Afghanistan...
wearing nothing but high heels.
And you were embarrassed?
The Russians and tanks went right by me...
and the Afghan rebels ignored me.
But when I got to the Pakistani border...
there was a giant shopping mall...
called the Karachi Galleria.
But the parking lot was empty...
except for millions of lizards wearing dark glasses...
and one of them looked like Barbara Walters.
They were eating tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...
ice cream cones being served...
by a guy I went to high school with.
I went inside the mall to the food fair...
where the smell of caramel popcorn...
and cleaning fluid so overwhelmed me...
that I noticed my nakedness...
Speaking of nuts, I'm Donald Becker.
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
You a shrink? I don't care much for shrinks.
All that honesty and openness and truth-telling gets so icky.
Sometimes the truth is icky.
I'm Dan Peterson, head of promotion.
This is a wonderful thing you're doing here.
Thanks for giving us the seats.
If there's anything else I can get for you...
please, don't hesitate to ask.
There is one thing...
that I've always wanted to do at a ball game...
but--no. Forget it.
Your wish is our command. -I can't.
-Sure you can. -I can?
The bombs bursting in air
Gave us proof through the night
He's been in town less than thirty-six hours...
and he's at a ball game singing the national anthem.
This guy could be a goddamn TV star.
What does a syndicated shrink show mean to you...
executive producer Perry Kovin?
And the home of the brave
Over here, in the left-field bleachers, are my patients.
Please give them a warm L.A. welcome.
Thank you.
-Hot dog? -Thank you, Doctor.
-Hot dog? -I hate hot dogs.
-Getting cured? -Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.
All right. On that note, I think I'll just continue...
with my therapeutic ministry.
Unblock your emotions! Have a red hot!
Anorexics, come on. Don't be afraid!
Have two or three! It's all right!
How are you doing? Very good. Enjoying the game?
What other sports do you like?
Fabulous, wasn't it?
Sigmund was the first to deal with mass hysteria.
I am the first to deal with mass transit.
You are the strangest shrink I've ever met...
and this is the strangest date I've ever been on.
Good afternoon. It's 4:00, tea time in England...
and therapy time here in the Southland.
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
When was the last time you saw ratings...
go up like this in two days?
He's got something, doesn't he?
He cares. That's the secret. It's in his voice.
You know what that's worth to an advertiser?
If anyone wants a doughnut without jelly, they're ready.
...and recording them in a diary...
to analyze what each drill hit feels like.
All right. This is a very, very abnormal problem...
and certainly the first we've had on the show.
I think that immediately you should seek...
professional help and counseling...
because using an electric drill on the human skull...
is something that, well, we really shouldn't do.
Next call. From Torrance, California...
we have Lucille on the line.
You're on the air with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
What can I do? My husband, he's the worst slob.
Anything I cook, no matter what it is...
the first thing he says is, "Do we eat it...
"or did we eat it?"
-Then what does he do? -Then what what?
-What does he do? -He laughs.
-He laughs? -He learned it in the army.
"Do we eat it, or did we eat it?"
I'm ready to bury an ax in his head, Doctor...
and I'm thinking of buying a gun.
I have rat poison in the house already.
I know how you feel, Lucille.
I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be happy...
until I see them taking him out in a body bag.
I mean, I want the guy dead.
In these circumstances...
I think you have to start by centering yourself.
I'm not going to center myself.
Why do I always have to center myself?
You got to calm down. You got any T.M. experience?
Let him center himself right in the cemetery.
Just start by-- close your eyes--
Hey, lady, zip it up!
Now, look at your problem this way.
If you knock this guy off...
how long is your happiness going to last?
I mean, is this no-good slob worth going to jail for?
So what should I do?
For openers, I'd say stop cooking for him.
Does it ever stop raining in London?
Rain! Rain! Rain! It's so depressing.
-What was her name? -Whose name?
Here you are, Dr. Baird.
The information packet for your convention...
all the events of the 3 days. I'll show you to your room.
How many times do I have to tell you...
she was a patient! If I told you her name...
I'd be breaking the psychiatric code of confidentiality.
Don't throw codes at me. You've committed adultery...
and you had sex with a patient. Now what was her goddamn name?
Is there no end to this madness?
I can't tell you!
I always feel more comfortable...
if I can actually see my luggage.
Don't worry, sir. Everything's taken care of.
I'm sure.
Give me her first name.
Then give me the first initial of her first name.
This is so immature.
Then give me one letter in her first name.
Aren't I entitled to that?
"E." Now drop it.
"E." "E" doesn't tell me anything. I need a consonant.
Have you no sense of privacy?
Christ! You have sex with a patient...
and you talk about privacy?
Am I supposed to tip you, or is that--
That's entirely up to you, sir.
This is worth how much in American?
That's about $1.50, sir.
I'll have to work this out.
-What? -I've had an affair, too.
That is so sad.
I'm a psychiatrist. I'm trained...
to see through these ego defenses.
You're hurt, and you're striking back.
It's all right. I understand.
Look at me.
I've had an affair for the last year and a half.
-Who is he? -I can't tell you.
-Why? -He's a friend of yours.
No friend of mine would ever sleep with you...
because, if he did, I would kill him.
Now tell me you're lying.
I'm lying.
Maitlin? Who's Maitlin? Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.
Already you're wiping him off the ratings charts.
-I like your loyalty. -Maitlin's history.
-Histoire. You're hot, Larry.
So, what do you think of a self-help video series?
-A doctor diet book. -Please, shut your toilet.
Although he's got a point. A shrink's diet book. Why not?
I got the title: "Shrink Along With the Shrink."
Hardcover's very prestigious, but the real profit's in paper.
You might want to-- the rose on that...
I don't think it's edible.
What did I tell you? Has he got a mind?
We don't want to stop there.
That thing you did on the buses was just the beginning.
Buses seat eighty-four people...
even if you rip out the toilets...
but ocean liners-- ocean liners hold thousands!
I figure you get the QE ll...
you paint a happy face on the back...
950 a pop. What could be so terrible?
-I can see millions. -I'll settle for my 200,000.
Cookie money. Cookie money!
So call me Famous Amos.
Campari and soda.
Now, tomorrow night...
Maitlin's getting the G.L.A.N.S. award...
and I want you to accept it for him.
Now, don't worry. Before you step up on the dais...
the money's gonna be in your hand.
And afterwards...
I'm the toughest negotiator in the west.
Ask anybody. Nobody fucks with Harvey Michaels.
Excuse me, I promised the staff...
I'd help with the dishes and take out the garbage.
Then I have to make a phone call.
Do you know my friend had shoulder pad implants?
-ls that the ultimate? You're kidding?
Dr. Glassman did my uppers and lowers.
-lsn't it great? -Wonderful!
I spent the entire weekend...
being pounded on by Madame Wanda.
I highly recommend it.
I had my initials carved into my leg.
Who did it?
I did it myself.
-It's nice. -Fascinating.
Hef, nice to see you...
in somebody else's jacuzzi for a change.
Good. I want to sit down with you...
and carve out some long-range objectives.
I'd never let you work for me. You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.
And he's got integrity.
Why wouldn't l just love this man?
You know I do. I love you. I do. I love you.
I love this man!
-He does. He does love you. -Good.
And I'm not embarrassed to say it. Here.
Keys to the Maserati. It's parked outside.
It's got a cellular phone, everything.
These are the keys to the motor sailor.
Now take them, use them. They're yours.
You've been working too hard.
You know why I'm lending you the car and the yacht?
Because I believe in you. I believe in you.
I believe that you do!
Great! Have a contract drawn up.
-Contract? -Now, don't worry.
It's only for seven years.
And remember, a contract's like a marriage.
You're unhappy, it's not working out...
What do we do?
You know what they say, boys.
It's unlucky to look upon the bride before the wedding...
so I'll catch you guys at the altar.
At the altar.
How about it, girls?
Want a demonstration of Archimedes' principle?
What did he say?
You know, I had fun tonight.
I finally found a place I fit in...
as well as I do the nut house--
Beverly Hills.
What's wrong?
I have this rumbling in my gut...
and these terrible chest pains.
You ate too much.
It's not gas. It's trust.
I'm not used to trusting anyone.
It doesn't feel right.
I had one of the hottest...
Church of the Gethsemane franchises in Texas.
It netted about 1,100 a month in donations...
pamphlets, baptisms...
and then she walked in.
You're sitting on my covers.
Long red hair, short red dress, Nadine.
She said she played the organ, and she sure played mine.
I trusted her, did everything she told me...
including burning down my church...
and running off with her and the insurance money.
Then I woke up alone on a vibrating bed.
Nadine was gone for good.
But she did leave me a couple of quarters...
to keep the bed going.
That's what I got for trusting her...
over my own selfish instincts.
Always a mistake.
You see, that's what I like about you.
You talk straight.
It's hard not to trust you.
You'll learn.
And what do we do when your refrigerator repairman...
suddenly cancels an appointment?
And when your daughter borrows your new clothes?
And when your doctor refuses to validate for parking?
The snarl is good, a little bit more protestation...
and we'll tack a woof on there, so what you'd have would be...
-Work on it. -Thank you, Doctor.
And I'll be looking forward to our next session.
I will, too.
Neo-Pavlovian rackoff technique...
for immediate stress relief.
I'm Dr. George Maitlin from Los Angeles.
Are you registered?
I saw your sign. I thought I'd drop by.
I'll gladly pay whatever fee is...
The Paleo-Jungian luncheon is 10.
The entire conference carries a fee of 500...
which includes the various lectures...
and the concept exchange period.
I'll take lunch.
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
So, we're two Yanks abroad.
I saw you and your wife...
playing a word game in the elevator.
Where's your practice?
Mine's in Chicago.
You're here just for the conference?
I'm here on sabbatical.
I'm...doing research on book.
I'm just here...
to get out of the grind of Chicago for a while.
Are you familiar with Chicago?
I'm telling you, Cicero County Hospital...
has got to be the most depressing hospital...
in the history of medicine.
Did you say "Cicero County Hospital"?
Are you familiar with Dr. Baird?
That's me. Lawrence Baird. Glad to meet you.
-What do you mean, "That's me"? -Dr. Baird. Cicero County.
You're not Dr. Baird.
Dr. Baird's in my office in L.A.
Excuse me. I think I ought to know who I am...
better than you do. I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
What are you doing here?
Just what you're doing. Eating lunch.
Well, what about my $200,000?
Here's your parking pass for the big dinner tonight...
and your tux has been delivered to the hotel.
Watch the phones for me?
Can I interest you in some lunch?
I can't have lunch. But you can take me to dinner.
I'd love to, but I've got this thing tonight.
Me, too. Why don't you pick me up at 6:00?
Sure. I can pick you up, but then, like, after...
I don't think I'm going straight home...
after the evening's over, so...
Well, maybe I can talk you into it.
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue. 6:00?
I'll see you there.
-ls this a joke? -Just wait.
They're ringing my office in Beverly Hills.
If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers, you've got a problem.
I'm so glad you're here.
Listen, I'm tired of this charade.
Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office?
I have to tell you who it is.
Is Dr. Baird in?
I'm going to kill Michaels!
When did you find out?
-Just now! -Who told you?
Who cares? Some doctor from Chicago.
He's telling everybody!
I thought I was the only one who knew!
You knew? How?
-I mean, I was there. -Where?
Do I have to give you all the sordid details?
You can tell Dr. Lawrence Baird...
that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!
I deserve it.
Mostly in hotel rooms, twice at his house...
and once--I can't believe I'm telling you this--
on his desk.
What, for Christ's sakes, are you talking about?
Michaels. He's the one I've been having the affair with.
You've been having an affair with Harvey Michaels?
Isn't that what you were talking about?
They say I'm doing my radio show.
Thanks for watching the phones. Any calls?
This what you looking for, Doc?
Your one-way ticket to Mexico City?
That was just--
What happened to partners in crime?
Honor among thieves?
You don't want to skip south of the border with me?
Maybe I don't want to team up...
with an asshole with one bad hand.
-Do you want me to pay? -Pay him! Pay him!
-We can settle it. -Give him the money!
Come on, come on, we're gonna miss the plane!
You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late.
They'll wait for you, Doctor.
I guess so. I'm the prime attraction.
Have you seen Becker? He disappeared on me.
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
What is it now with this "Doctor"?
You are a real doctor, aren't you?
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
Who told you?
The real Dr. Baird. He called.
Don't worry.
I didn't give you away. I covered your ass.
Because I once thought it was cute.
The customs people treated you with such respect...
and they went through my bag...
Iike I was some kind of a drug dealer, you know?
First stop, Beverly Hills. 465 North Bedford Drive...
then the Riviera Country Club.
Nice rental. Where's Harvey...
and my box of green dead presidents?
They're waiting to be exhumed in the game room.
Is he here?
I thought he was at some kind of banquet.
Would you stop following me? I told you to stay in the cab.
Driving me crazy. Would you calm down...
and act like the doctor you claim to be?
At least the police could identify him--
I've been telling you for fourteen hours...
shut the fuck up about the cops!
I'm the one who's been violated!
What about my reputation?
Your reputation isn't worth ten cents.
My reputation's a million-dollar industry!
It'll go right down the toilet if the public finds out...
some fraud's been doing my radio show.
We got to keep things quiet...
and I've got to get my $200,000 back.
I'm calling the cops! 911--it's the same everywhere.
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't traveled five thousand miles...
to have you fuck up my revenge.
Grab your balls for the last time.
I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!
Here's your money and here's your contract.
Just think of it as your blood test.
I never get married on an empty stomach.
Let me bark down some steamed puffed chicken rolls...
some boiled peas, I'll speed-read this...
and get back to you with some addendums.
Fair enough. By the way, I want you to know...
I didn't even take out the money I advanced you.
-Now, you know why? -Because it's not your money.
This is a serious breach of professional ethics!
Are you there? Are you there, you rat?
Help! Anybody, help!
Please help me!
It's about time.
Who are you, and what are you doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
-I'm Dr. Baird. -Sure, you are.
That's how come you're locked in his closet.
-I'm calling the cops. -Good.
...true paranoid is the one in possession of all the facts.
But the real reason we're here tonight...
is to honor our Dr. George Maitlin...
and to accept the award...
a man who's only been with us for four days...
How long do these people take?
How long it takes is how long it takes.
Oh. How long it takes is how long it takes.
That's not fast enough!
Freeze, scumbag.
Get in the closet. Come on, get in there!
OK, but you're gonna have to answer to Dr. Baird about this.
-I am Dr. Baird! -Sure, you are.
I wasn't born yesterday.
I'm a trained professional, fella!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Harvey. Thank you. Thanks very much.
Not here. Go around back. try to fill the shoes of a man...
who has made therapy a household name.
Some may say, "Why does therapy have to take such a long time?"
To them I say, there's nothing...
that can be done in a short time...
that can't be done just as well in a long time.
Thank you and--wait a minute.
Oh, boy. You're not gonna believe this.
I left that wallet...
in the other taxi, the one we took from the air--
If Dr. George Maitlin could have been here tonight...
he would be most, most honored with this award...
and he would thank you for this honor, but...
You're supposed to be in London.
We were gonna tour the countryside...
but Vera decided she wanted to come back...
to fuck you again.
You know, you're not feeling well, and--
Let's not talk about that right now.
-Let's talk about money. -Money?
You gave my money to the wrong man!
He's the perfect choice. The ratings have soared.
You shithead! That's not Baird!
If you go out there in this condition...
everyone will know the kind of man you really are.
You're right. We don't want that.
Now, some of you may say that this is a materialistic...
Good evening, I'm here to--
I'm sorry. This is by invitation only.
I'm Dr. Baird.
Excuse me?
Madame, I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.
I don't think so.
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.
I'm a legitimate psychiatrist...
and this is a legitimate psychiatrist's dinner!
Let's just calm down.
I'm perfectly calm, I assure you.
Be a psychiatrist.
You won't have to wash your hands as much!
No trouble. No trouble whatsoever.
I'm perfectly calm. Don't touch me.
Get your hands off me!
My goodness, what do we have here?
-Where's my money? -Don't worry about the money.
As soon as the dinner's over...
we'll get Baird, or whatever his name is...
we'll take him outside, we'll grab the briefcase...
-with the cash. -Cash?!
You paid him cash?
You told me never to pay anybody in cash!
It's the only way he would take the job...
and so far, he's worth every penny.
I'll kill him! And when I get finished...
if there are any bullets left...
On your desk.
Thank you. You have been a beautiful audience.
Quick! He's getting away!
-Hurry! -Crowd, clear, please!
Crowd, clear, please!
Watch your stuffed chicken rolls, folks. Parking! arresting the fake! I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
I am Dr. Baird! I am--
Be on back to my office on Monday. See you later!
When do we board?
-Fifteen minutes. -Thanks.
...that has developed here.
Because of the difficulty of the access...
to the Hollywood sign, it's going to take...
a coordination of Herculean effort...
on the part of all three of these departments...
to deal with the problem. As you can see...
an unidentified man has climbed to the top of the "Y".
Continental announces...
the boarding of flight 45 to Mexico City.
You just don't have your thinking cap on.
We don't want to go public with this.
The pens from my office! My jellybeans!
Your eye's not on the sparrow.
-I want my $200,000! -It's deductible.
It's a legitimate business expense.
We're talking, what, 72.5% of that.
Then I want my $145,000! My antique lighter!
And you say he's not a crook!
You made a commitment.
And remember, in this town, your word's your bond.
Let's not forget Balzac when he said...
"A man's reputation is like a famous painting.
"Once its authenticity's questioned, it's never--"
-Shut up! -Right.
We'll have to get back to you on that...
if you promise to come back to us...
as soon as we get the picture and the sound.
As you can see from our helicopter up in the sky...
we're getting a very clear picture now.
The man seems to be dressed all in black...
in some sort of ministerial suit of clothing.
Late word has come in.
The man's name is Donald Becker. One Donald Becker.
If there is a relative out there...
who knows Donald Becker...
could you please make your way to the Hollywood sign?
Perhaps you could, uh...
I'm doing this for you, Baird!
Please don't do this.
Please don't do this to me.
Where are you now?
In first class.
I've never seen such a mass of chaos in my life.
We'll cut to the copter in the air...
to see if they can pick it up.
He seems to be saying "Baird."
Where is he? Where is he?
Where's who?
It's only money. It's only money.
You can cash in on his momentum.
You don't want to blow that.
That looks like Dr. Lawrence Baird.
You crook!
...recently on the radio. Dr. Baird...
there's a rumor that this man is your patient.
Is this true, and if so, how does it reflect...
on your treatment of him?
Badly, but maybe he won't live to spread the word.
Thank you. That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...
noted radio psychiatrist. My goodness.
Looks like Dr. Baird has taken Captain Goldblatt's horse!
With my money!
-lsn't anybody-- -I'll stop him!
Good shot.
-Where are we going? -Guess!
Are you Dr. Baird? It's an honor to meet you.
Listen, I have got to get up to the "Y."
My wife heard you on the air.
When she finds out I met you in person--
Listen, Doc, actually, I got a little problem with her.
For the last few months--
We should really talk about this later.
She likes to come home Friday, put on my uniform--
Is that the only way out? Is there any other way out?
It's not like she's kinky, either.
I think she just wants to be me.
Look, I am responsible for this guy, and--
She runs around writing parking tickets.
She tries to pee standing up.
Well, I'll see what I can do.
I'll put my mind to a solution to your problem...
and see if we can't come up with something...
but I have to go.
Yeah, but, Doc, I really need your advice on this--
Got a session down here now. See you after.
Just in case you don't make it...
Later. We'll talk later.
I really will think about it, though.
It's you.
Decided to come back, have you?
Besides, I thought you were on your way to Mexico.
What happened--my fatal attraction lured you back?
This is a fitting setting for our reunion.
Where's your unicycle and your umbrella?
I've seen trained bears do better wire acts.
I can't see my money.
Maybe he gave it to someone to hold.
Cool it about the money. There's TV here.
You want the whole world to know?
He could fall, and we'd never find it.
You're a doctor. Act concerned.
You don't think I'm concerned?
You give away my $200,000 and sleep with my wife?
I'm concerned.
Quiet. A man's life is at stake.
Guess whose.
As I've said, I've been at numerous crisis situations...
but never one where the parking was just so terrible.
Hold on. Hang on.
That's it.
Why did you come back?
I'm still trying to figure that out.
-Scared, Doctor? You've got the wrong man.
You just needed a little help.
How did you get up here anyway?
Same way you did, Doc.
Thanks for thinking of this.
What do you want?
What do I want? What do you want?
You're the one who was screaming...
all over local TV for me.
I just wanted you to watch me jump.
Bullshit. You wanted me here.
Now I'm here, so let's do it.
Great. Let's do it.
-Me first. -We jump together.
But before we go, there's something I gotta tell you.
Hurry up. I haven't got all night.
I was history. I had in my possession...
$200,000 in crisp, cold cash. I was rich.
You take this key...
go to the airport, get my 200,000...
and start a new life.
Why did you come back?
You were wrong when you said I deserted you...
but you were right about the pants.
Size thirty-eight crazy.
-What? -Prison issue.
The County Correctional Mental Facility For Men...
at Cicero, lllinois.
John William Burns, Jr., inmate number 7474505-B...
current status-- escaped and at large.
They'll get us.
We'll live to jump again.
-Cuff him. -Arrest him, too.
Dr. Baird? He's the hero.
That's the nut case we're taking in.
He's not Dr. Baird!
What's in a name? This man's a hero.
-Don't be ungracious. -He stole my money!
Come, come, we'll talk.
Here. You better take back your key.
Absolutely not. My offer still stands. You keep it.
-They're gonna lock me up. -Don't count on it.
Sorry about this. I'm gonna have to take you in.
That's quite all right. Don't worry about it. It's fine.
A nice guy like you? It's a shame.
-I quite agree. -Cuff him, too.
Listen, Captain, you don't want him.
He's not a criminal. He hasn't done anything wrong.
I sent him up there.
It's not his fault. It's my fault. Let him go.
You'll still be on the 11 :00 news.
Release the other guy.
I want my money! He took my money!
You! You! You took my money!
-Are you Maitlin? You're damn right!
Author of the theory of psychocerebral equilibrium?
You better believe it!
-Garbage! -Garbage?!
I'll show you garbage!
This is no time for violence.
-Wrong, Harvey! -Holy shit!
You let my money get away.
-But you didn't. -I'm your friend!
You banged my wife for a year and a half...
on your lousy desk!
The desk is a signed Julian Schnabel!
Sign this!
Jesus! He's got a gun! Grab him! Get him!
We have another late-breaking development.
Gunshots have erupted beneath the famed Hollywood sign...
which recently saw the thrilling rescue...
of a deranged patient by radio psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.
The alleged assailant is allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...
another Los Angeles psychiatrist.
Perhaps we could get an interview with him.
Dr. Maitlin, is there anything you'd like to say?
-Fuck you! -That's another first.
Let's check on two-thirty.
I'm Dr. Baird.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
I hear you.
I hear you saying you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.
I am Dr. Baird, though. I really am.
I'm Dr. Baird.
I hear you. I really do.
I hear you saying, "l am Dr. Baird."
You're not really listening to me.
You think you're hearing what I'm saying...
but you're not really listening.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
I'm a qualified, accredited psychiatrist...
and somebody else has supplanted me.
Up his thorazine to 500 milligrams.
Another evaluation for you, Dr. Smet.
-Amazing. -What, sir?
How many psychiatrists we're getting these days.
-What? -I'm Dr. Smet.
I'm not sick.
I just need space.
And the moon lights up the night
My eyes light up when you call my name
I get a fever--
Hey, Houdini, let's go. You're going to Lompoc.
You give me fever
See you later, fellow timesters.
Good luck.
You'll be glad to know that the horror stories...
about Lompoc prison aren't really true.
I mean, they got rid of most of the rats.
The number of knife attacks is way down...
as are the cases of ptomaine poisoning and gang rape.
I'm glad to hear it.
I mean, they haven't had a really nasty death...
there in at least a week.
-Nice. -Hey.
Frank, a little trouble ahead.
33 David, we got a 902T at Pacific Coast Highway...
and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
There's a woman trapped in there!
Hey, what's going on?
Frank, stop that van! Stop, or I'll shoot!
You're under arrest! Stop!
You didn't say they were gonna be shooting at us!
Welcome to life on the lam!
Hold still while I get these off.
You really are everything a guy could want.
-Shit! -What? What's wrong?
The Freon's not working!
Who planned this disaster, anyway?
-She did. -He did!
The gods of transportation have been kind to us.
-Put this on. -How?
Over your shoulders. Good.
Just call me the wild one.
-Good luck, boys. You're not coming with us?
This is it for me.
But I don't want you.
I want the girl. This isn't fair.
Life isn't fair. Hop on.
But I don't want to escape with you. I hate you.
I can accept that.
This hog can kick ass!
Can outrun any cop car built since '71!
Where did you get this bike, anyway?
I dipped into petty cash-- your briefcase!
I take back everything...
I ever said about you! You really are crazy!
How far do you think we're gonna get on this thing?
-To Monte Carlo. -On a motorcycle?
No! On Harvey's yacht!
There are worse things than being crazy!
Caccia alla volpe - After The Fox
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