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Deliver Us from Eva

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You know when a funeral|is really awful?
When it's yours.
That's me, Ray Adams-
young, gifted and dead.
These are my remains.
And these three|mournful brothers,
they're the men who killed me.
Aw, they look so sad,|don't they?
But this is how|they really feel.
But they're not|the real reason I'm dead.
These are their women.|Fine, ain't they?
Some families|are blessed with great genes,
and the Dandridge sisters|had it all.
But they're not the reason|I'm dead either. She is.
How did this sweet-faced woman|cause a man to die?
Well, it began six months ago.|Go! Go! Go!
- Now Howard comes up the middle,
- breaks the tackle and gets the first down.
Hey, baby, that's really nice of you,|sweetie, but we already have some food here.
- What are you doing in here?|- Trying to watch the game that's right behind you.
My book club is meeting|in here tonight.
Baby, remember when we|talked last month?
You said it was okay|if we watched the game.
Oh, yeah. Eva changed all that.|She was supposed to tell you.
- Well, she didn't.|- Hey, it's the men. What are you doing here?
Are you joining our book club?|It's gonna be very enlightening.
Sweetness, precious,|listen.
Would it be okay, you know, if you|could take it in the other room?
- Because we're all settled in.|- Yeah, the other room.
- Well, I guess we could.|- You got a great girl!
I love you, baby.|No! No, we cannot!
Oh, yeah- Oh.
Michael, Timothy, Darrell.
Our book club|is reading Beloved,
and we're gonna need the television|to watch the film when we're done.
Oh, yeah, that's right,|honey. We need the room.
You did not tell me you wanted|to use the room in my house, Eva.
Well, I'm telling you|right now, Timothy.
And it is half|my sister's house too.
Community property.
See, 'cause I want Kareenah to make|a good impression on the book club.
Don't you?|No!
- Excuse me?|- Yes.
Look, we were|here first, Eva.
Yes, but certainly the temporal|proximity of our advents...
isn't determinative, is it?
- I'll get back to you on that one.|- Yeah.
Do you know what|she just said right there?
- You don't get to me with your $50 words, Eva.|- That's right.
What would you say if I|demanded you to leave this room?
I would say I find your particular|brand of crack very amusing.
This isn't about a book...
versus a football game, fellas.
Oh, no. This is about men|versus women.
Women who aspire to culture...
and men who aspire|to scratch themselves.
Women who bear the burdens in life|and men who create those burdens.
Women who uplift humanity|and men who uplift lap dances.
If society were left|to the whims of men,
we'd still be in caves carving|pictures with our non-opposable thumbs.
So, today, gentlemen,
is the day|for civilized behavior.
Today we women raise our voices against|tyranny, crudeness and play-off games.
And that is it, gentlemen.
End of story. The fat lady's|singing! Out of the room.
By the way, if any of that was lost upon|you, then I've just proven my point again.
Excuse me.
Kareenah, baby,
I am putting|my foot down.
Damn! Damn!|I can't stand her.
I can't stand her either, but|you really need to calm down.
You're making me stressed. You need|to stand up to your wife, Timothy.
It's like she tookyour balls|and turned them into earrings.
Your wife is bling-blingin'|with your nuts.
This is what we get for being|with Eva's little sisters.
They could never stand up|to us without Eva.
I really did think I was getting|one of the fabulous Dandridge girls.
I didn't know it came with|the sister-in-law from hell.
You gotta admit, they were the|finest women in the neighborhood.
We used to say their daddy's johnson|- Should be bronzed. Right.
Did you notice how they|stuck together in an argument?
One for all and all for Eva.|That's how they're getting down.
Come on, fellas. We need|to be more compassionate.
Their parents died when they|were young and left them alone,
so they have to stick together. Yeah.
I should've used that argument to|get on Eva about that Dandridge fund.
- You know what? I would've done it.|- Look at you cosigning.
Mike, please, you need to|let that go. Every time. Okay.
They've been putting money in that|account ever since they were teenagers.
- What are they doing with it? Nothing.|- Step away from my man.
I bet they don't even know|how much is in there.
- There's no need for this.|- If he's your man, then what's he doing here with me?
Charity work, heifer.|Look- Look- Hey, hey, hey!
This is just|a big misunderstanding, okay?
Fellas, I know that brother.|Yo, Ray!
I didn't even know|he was back in town.
You should be mad at me,|not each other.
I've been dating both of you, and|- True, we don't have a commitment.
But I couldn't decide|between you. Hey, fellas.
I think he might be the man|to rid us of Eva.
That dude? Aw, hell, no. You'd|be better off getting Ike Turner.
They're about to cuss his ass out|and leave him high and dry. Watch.
- Yeah, he's right.|- Let's go, all right?
Oh, me too?|Uh-huh.
- Get out of here!|- Be right back.
- Did you see that? Did you see that?|- Wow!
- Good to see you, man.|- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Fellas, he said he'll meet us|here the day after tomorrow.
So he's a freak.|How does that help us with Eva?
- Eva just needs a man.|- Come on, now.
Remember, we tried that?|Remember Rashaun? Yeah.
All I said was,|you was a little uptight.
But I like that though.
So it was like a compliment|in reverse.
Oh, reverse. Right. I see. Yeah. Yeah.
You feeling me.|Yeah, sure.
Did you know that female spiders eat|the male when she's done with him?
Yeah. They date, they laugh, and then|she turns his ass into a crab cake.
Now, while the prospect of biting|your head off makes me happy,
I am sure that ultimately|you are not a Happy Meal.
So, I'm moving on|to better cuisine.
Good-bye, Rashaun.
Eva, wait. You're just|gonna say good-bye?
Oh, no, it's not good-bye.|It's hello in reverse.
Eva. Come on, girl.
- Eva put that man in the mental ward.|- You're always exaggerating.
Eva drove the brother insane.|I seen him last week.
Dude sound like Ron Hopper.|Now he t-t-talk like th-th-this.
This can work with Ray.|The boy is a specialist.
He is a master player.
Listen, Ray can get Eva|to let go ofher sisters.
Then when it's just us and|them, we can have all their love.
- Right, right.|- We can get him to seduce her.
- Yes! - 'Cause all she really|needs is some you- know-what.
Hold up. What Eva really|needs is a sensitive man-
somebody that can help her|with her personality problems.
What she needs is a dude that can hit that|ass till she starts speaking in tongues.
- Amen.
Right, right, right.|Can Ray do that?
Okay, later,|after we finish doing it,
we're gonna lie together and hold|each other and talk for a while, right?
Okay. We can do it, but|I have to study. Come on.
Eva says if I stick to a study schedule|- Don't say the "E" word.
- Not in this house.|- I have to stick to my study schedule, okay?
All of us agreed. What is|with you Dandridge women?
I love my sisters, okay?|I'm sorry.
I love you too.|It's just in a different way.
Okay. Then I demand that you love|me the same way that you love them.
You and them-|it's like apples and oranges.
What? Lady, I am your husband,|okay? I pledged my life to you...
before God and a bunch of ugly|- ass relatives I don't even like.
I gave up all my wild ways for you,|and, baby, I had a hell of a lot of them.
I never told you about the roses and the|butt-naked midgets or none of that shit.
I had midget pros in different area codes. Uh|- huh.
Therefore, I demands|to be a damn orange.
You can stop playing now.|You know what? Fine.
If a brother can't be an orange,|then you're cut off.
I'm cut off? For real?|Yeah. That's right. Back up.
I'm cut off? You gonna|cut me off? Don't touch me.
Don't do that. Don't do it. Oh, damn.
Don't do this. Don't.
Oh, damn,|the flesh is weak. Oh.
Right there.
- I have a dreadful problem. I need your help.
- Gosh, you're doing it.|- How the hell did you get in here?
Jacqui gave me a key|in case of an emergency.
- Are you okay?|- Don't mind us. We're just having sex.
So I should just come back in,|what, two minutes?
- Is it really important?|- Get your ass out!
- Just give us one minute.|- Oh,just one minute? Damn, it's worse than I thought.
Man, what the|- She probably had a bad day or something.
Look, hold on.|Where you going?
Eva needs me. But we need you too! No-
Wait a minute!|Damn you, Eva!
- So,you two still talking about having a baby?|- Shh.
Not so loud.
IfTim even hears the word|"baby," he jumps on top of me.
Oh, that's just|his male biological clock.
It's when a man begins having|baby fever, like a woman.
I read about it|in Psychology Today.
All I know is that every time we|argue about it, he ends up drinking.
The drinking|isn't serious, is it?
No, but-
Well, you know, his father|had a drinking problem. Mmm.
Mmm. Ah! What do you think I should do?
I don't like getting in|married people's business.
There's nothing wrong with a grown|man having an occasional drink.
Although a study did show that a|drinking problem can be hereditary.
You don't want your baby coming out of the|womb talking about, "Where the liquor at?"
It wouldn't be right.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Baby,|I was still drinking that.
Honey, I know, but you shouldn't|drink so much, you know?
Eva and I werejust talking, and|- This is not what you need.
Do you wanna do the breathing|exercises Bethany talked about?
I don't wanna breathe. I just|want a drink. I want that drink.
Baby, I don't like|to bring up the past,
but you know that little problem|your daddy has.
- I'm not my father.|- Oh, sweetie, I know. I know.
It's just, tonight,|no more drinking for me.
- Thank you. Thank you.|- Baby, can I just-
Aw, come on, honey. Sing|it with me. Please? No.
It's our theme song. Aw, party|- poop. No. No. No. No.
Hey, I'm in here! Get out of|here!
I hate that damn song!|Yeah! Smell that! Ew!
This is Ray Adams,|y'all. What's happening?
I thought you moved to Florida. I did.
I worked at a car dealership down|there, but that was a year ago.
I never keep a job|more than a year.
- I work for Jomo's Meats in L.A. now.|- I know Jomo's.
Why do you quit your job every|year? What's that about, brother?
Well, I have to service|my many talents. Oh.
I was brought up an orphan.|No mama, no daddy.
No ties.|That's how I do it.
If you guys hadn't noticed,|Ray is quite the player.
- As we saw the other night.|- Yeah. Love your work, baby.
You ought to be exempt|from taxes for that shit.
Nothing Mike couldn't do. No,|I turned in my player card.
I'm practically engaged to|a beautiful woman named Bethany.
Congratulations.|Thank you, thank you.
She's gorgeous too, but not|as fine as her sister, Eva.
- Yeah, I can't even front.|- I wish I was good enough for Eva.
- I wish I was her garbage, man. Look.|- Pow!
She's cute. But why is|she scowling like that?
Her face is so tight.|That's her sexy smirk.
She ain't scowling.|Right. Right.
W-W-What's c-c-cracking,|f-fellas?
Hey! Hey!
Back over here, man.|Don't pay the retard-
The drinking|- He got out early. That's all.
Ray, how would you like|to meet Eva?
- Is she giving it up?|- "Is she giving it up?"
- Man, she's double-jointed. - She's|lookin' up at her feet every night.
- Bumping her head on the headboard, all that.|- That's right.
So I only have one question:|What's wrong with her?
Nothing.|Nothing. Nothing.
So three grown men|walk into a bar...
to hook up a man|for a perfectly good woman.
What is it? She got five kids, a violent ex|- con boyfriend?
Is she one of those evil, nasty sisters|who beats a brother down till he's dust?
- What is it?|- It's the ex- con thing, bro.
- Darrell!|- Ray, Ray, look, I gotta be honest with you.
Eva is a piece of work, but we're prepared|to make it worth your while to take her out.
You're gonna pay me|to go out with her?
Are you worried that that|makes you look like a gigolo?
- No. I mean, I kind of like that aspect.|- Okay!
All right.|I'm in a financial bind.
My landlord is selling my house.|I need cash to buy it.
Man, that is perfect. Then we|all can benefit from this deal.
Here's what we need you to do:|Take her out for a couple of months.
Not just distract her,|but make her fall hard for you.
I can definitely do that.|And I love a challenge.
Really, she can't be|all that bad, can she?
Eva's sisters gave her a cross|with Jesus on it for her birthday.
- The next day,Jesus was gone.|- You're kidding, right?
No. When you do it, you have to|make her fall in love with you,
then you tell her you're leaving|town and get her to go with you.
- Then you can dump her. It'll take her years to relocate.|- Yes!
Time out. I'm sorry. This ain't|my kind of thing, you know.
I'm a lover, not a con man. Mike,|let's hang out sometime, okay?
But, Ray-|Get him a drink.
Take another look at her.|That's not a zero.
But think about it, Ray.
You just had to bring up|theJesus thing.
He got muscles. I didn't|think he'd be scared of her.
Hey, I went out with that construction|guy yesterday. The cute one?
Mm-hmm. And you know|we ended up in the bed.
Did he have to take a number,|or was the line moving briskly?
No, no, tell it, please.|Ormandy, go.
Thank you, Eva.|Honey, he dropped his pants,
and he whipped it out|all proud.
And I said, "Oh, no.|Where's the rest of it?"
Ya have to put man in place|sometime, ya hear that?
- Did she just call me a bitch?|- Right.
What's up?
- Hey!
Hey, baby.
Listen, Eva, I need to have a little|talk with you about the Dandridge fund.
Why is that, Michael?|You're not in our family.
- But I'm almost in.|- Almost isn't in, now, is it?
Mike, honey, do you really want|to get into an argument...
with a woman in here, hmm?
Got some Frosted Mini-Wheats|in your scalp. Hey! You're fine.
You're right, baby. You got|that thing for me? Oh, yeah.
Fiber? "Fiber Power."
Are you okay, Mike?|Is everything moving all right?
He's a little irregular. All right.|You don't have to announce it.
- Hey, I got somethin'for that.|- And if she can't fix you, I know I can.
You need to quit, Telly, 'cause I|ain't even close to going your way.
Damn.|Let me call headquarters.
Hello. Yeah, it's me.|Listen, take Mike off the list.
Sixty-nine out.|Ooh-hoo-hoo!
I should've never came to this|place, better known as "Man Hell."
No, this is|a female sanctuary.
- Way the whole world ought to be.|Ain't that right, ladies? - Mm-hmm.
See you.|Bye.
Get some milk for them cornflakes. Hey.
You should start making him take better care|ofhimself if you guys are gonna get married.
He should get a colonic or see a|specialist. And I know a good one.
Hey, got your order.|Where do you want it?
Freezer number one.|Make sure you stack them neatly.
Excuse me.
Hello.|Where's Leonard?
He's sick. I'm Oscar,|the assistant manager.
Okay, Oscar, I'm Inspector|Dandridge from the health department.
Yes, I've heard about you.|Good. Then you know the drill.
Let's get clean.
It does not look good,|Oscar.
I found contamination|in red zones.
Your glass freezer door|has a hairline break in it.
And I found black pellets behind|the food containers in the back.
That is probably just graphite|from the new units we put in.
Your water's only 105 degrees.|Can you just let that slide?
The requirement is 110,|because science tells us...
at that temperature all|dangerous organisms will die.
That means in your water, some will|live. And not just any germs, Oscar.
No. The bad-ass ones, the ones that can|swim in 1 05- degree-temperature water...
and live to party on|some child's french fries.
We don't serve fries.|Are you mocking me?
No, ma'am. That's good,|because I'm not done yet.
This entire kitchen gets a level|four sanitation or you get written up.
What? No, that means|it's in the newspaper.
Thank goodness for you I've|got a soft heart. Heart?
You don't have a heart.
You got a hole with an ice pump in|it. You know, I don't understand you.
Why do you have to be|so goddamn uncompromising?
It's called principle,|Oscar.
Maybe the world is in|short supply, but I am not.
People pay their tax dollars|for my principle...
so they can go into a restaurant|and not eat chicken fried rat...
or bite into a bacon,|lettuce and ptomaine sandwich.
If I slack up on you, then I|have to cut everyone a break,
and pretty soon, the almonds|on your salad have legs.
If that makes me uncompromising,|well, I wear it as a badge of honor,
because I'm in|damn good company.
Martin Luther King was uncompromising,|Nelson Mandela was uncompromising,
and I'm sure your mother|was uncompromising,
although the evidence of that|is not apparent today.
So, why don't you think of me|as your mom right now?
And Mama says,|"Clean it up!"
See you in 48 hours.
All right.|I'll go on the date with Eva.
Mmm! Yes! Yes! What made|you change your mind, Ray?
I saw her|at a restaurant.
If I can get that woman, I'll go|down in the Player Hall of Fame.
You sure will.|Okay, okay.
So what's your price? I need|five grand to get the house.
Five thousand dollars? I|don't know, man. Hey, hey, hey-
Forty-five, what did you say|about five thousand dollars?
Um, I said,
"Five pounds|of collard greens, man.
No ham."|Ordering soul food.
Five thousand dollars?|Yes, man.
I saw her in action.|You're getting off cheap.
I don't know. I gotta talk|to the guys about this, Ray.
All right. Well, let me know. I'm ready.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I want to talk to you for a second, Eva.|- What about, sir?
I was offered a position as|deputy health inspector in Chicago.
- That's great.|- I'm not taking the job,
but I think|you should consider it.
Me, Theo?
The representative from Chicago's been here|all week checking out my best inspectors.
- He liked you. Send in Mr. Tillman.|- Yes, sir.
- Oh, goodness.|- Hello, Eva.
- You were checking me out the other day.|- Yes, I was.
And you were amazing.
You passed|with flying colors.
I should have worn my diaper.|Chicago's a tough town.
- We need our inspectors to have your intensity.|- Okay!
- I'm at a loss for words.|- And that doesn't happen often.
You don't have to|say anything now.
I've still got a few more candidates|in other cities to look at.
But I'll let you know in a few|weeks when I make my decision.
Meeting you was...|an experience.
Uh, Theo.|Right. Bye.
That's great. I wanted your|job, but this is way better.
- Oh, my God!|- This will be very exciting for you.
Better job,|more money in a new city.
Yeah, my sisters are-
- What?|- Nothing.
I'm sure they're gonna be|really happy for me.
Thank you|for recommending me.
I will see you in two weeks. Thank you.
How come I can never get|my toes done on girls'night?
'Cause it's only|for the Dandridge sisters.
- And nobody wants to|touch your funky-ass feet. -
Oh! Ladies, ladies,|guess who I saw.
Lucius Johnson.
- Lucious Lucius.|- Hmm.
I wouldn't mind|seeing him again.
Me neither.|I wonder if he's married.
Eva, are you okay?
Yeah, sure.|Why wouldn't I be?
- Are you still stuck on Lucius?|- No! G-God!
Come on. Ancient history. Eva,
once you give a man some of|your energy, he always has it.
- Well, yeah.|- Especially if he popped that cherry.
- Pop, pop, pop!|- No, no, no!
- There was no pop, pop, popping of any cherries, Ormandy.
Lucius was my first,|and I was his. That's all.
Listen, the best way|to get over an old man-
Is to get under a new one.
Yeah! I am not thinking about Lucius.
Okay?|It's girls'night, right?
I'm sure that a group of intelligent...|women can come together...
and talk about something|besides men.
- Sad.
Well, Tim did introduce me to|somebody new in his department.
- Do you wanna meet him?|- I do need a date...
to the mayor's formal|fund-raiser in a couple weeks.
All right. I'll bite.|What are his vitals?
Thirty-six, divorced, two kids.|I hear he's in group therapy.
- Pass -|Mmm. - Uh-uh.
Girl, messed-up men|are the best ones.
- A messed-up man is redundant.|- I don't need to be set up, okay?
I'm good.|I prayed on this.
God- God is gonna|take care of it.
God ain't shipping out|no men.
Like hell he ain't.|Look here, when you talk to God,
tell him a sister needs|a tall, fine one.
- And not gay.|- You know you want the soul pole.
No, he didn't. No, he didn't! Bam!
A star for a star.
You shouldn't let Eva stop us|from moving in together, Beth.
See, I just don't sense|that we're spiritually...
in tune with each other...|completely.
And besides,|we're not married. Hmm?
I'm not gonna propose|just to spend the night.
Okay. Have I ever|pressured you about that?
Of course not.
And Eva says cohabitation does not increase|the chances of a lasting relationship.
Oh, my God. Will you stop|it with the "Evaisms"?
That woman with her statistics|and her philosophy- Mike, honey-
She's very intelligent.|Don't hate on her for it.
If she's so smart, why doesn't|she dissolve the fund...
and let you live your own lives|with your own money?
You know what? This is stress.|You wanna do some meditation, hmm?
No. No meditation.
Stress is why your colon|is all clogged up.
Thanks to Eva's doctor,|my colon is a freeway.
Look, all I wanna do|is spend the night with you...
and not have to get up in the middle|of the night like some criminal.
I enjoy spending time|with you.
I love the way you blink.
I love that smile.
I love you.
I love you too.
But why should a man buy the software|when he can download for free?
That is Eva talking. That is|not you talking. No, actually-
Jacqui said it,|but it doesn't matter.
You know, Eva took charge of the|family after our parents died.
If we wanna have a child, it|should be our decision, not Eva's.
All she said was that most marriages|fail within the first five years.
Fifty-two percent. We've|only been married for three.
If we had a baby|and something were to go wrong,
then there's an innocent life|hanging in the balance of our failure.
Nothing... is going...
to go... wrong.
Mmm. Hmm?
Besides,you know I didn't have a|good relationship with my father.
Honey, I know, but-|And all I want...
is my chance...|to be a good daddy,
to have|a little brown bundle...
of love... and life.
And I want it|because I love you.
Now, tell me,|is that so wrong?
Fifty-two percent.
Honey,|Eva gives great advice.
She put me through med school,|you know?
God, do I know that!
You know what?|You're not married to me.
You're married to Eva. I'm|just a handyman with a penis.
Tim, like you ever fix|anything around here!
What- What did I say?
I cannot believe we are paying|five grand to this man.
Just think of it as an investment.
Once Eva's gone, we'll all be happy.
It was a great idea-you having|him meet Eva at church.
- She is going to love that.|- Well-
Fellas, I don't think we should|be talking about this here.
God might hear us. God|made Eva, so we're even.
Speaking of which, where is this guy?
Church is almost over.
Tim, this is a black church.|It's never over.
Excuse me.
Yo, what took you|so long?
I'm not the churchgoing type.|You people get up early.
Nice job with the choir,|Eva, girl. They were bangin'.
You know, Reverend, your sermon|today was great. I mean, bang-up job.
Although you did miss a word of|that verse from the Book of Acts.
I think I was the only one who|caught it, and, well, God, of course.
So I took the liberty of|jotting down a few suggestions...
on how you can do better|in the future. Say what?
My child, please.|I appreciate that.
But you know what?|I got this.
- Praise the Lord.
Praise him. Eva, we're|all waiting for you.
Can't you see I'm busy, Michael?|I am speaking with the reverend.
Oh, no, no, honey.|Please, go.
Go back to your friends.|Please- No. Go.
Actually, Reverend, I needed to|talk to you and get your advice...
for a friend of mine who has a|dilemma about a job she's considering.
Mmm. I've got people who have|much bigger problems, Eva.
People whose souls need to be saved|from eternal damnation. Stuff like that.
A soul lasts forever,|Reverend, and this job may not.
Please, I need to tell her|what to do. Tell your friend I-
Follow her heart.
Now, please, excuse me.
Eva, this is Ray Adams,|a friend of mine.
Hello.|Hello, Raymond.
Call me Ray. No one calls me|Raymond. Well, I do, Raymond.
What's so funny?
I love a woman|who speaks her mind.
My girlfriend's the same way.
Oh. Well, good for her.
Ray, I didn't know|you were seeing anyone.
Oh, yeah,|about six months now.
I see a friend of mine over there.|It's nice to meet you. All of you.
What the hell|was that, man?
Why did you tell her you had a|woman? We gave you half the money.
If you're thinking about screwing us|- Mmm! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
No woman wants a man who another|woman doesn't already want.
The next time I meet her,|I'll make my move.
I'm sure me and my girlfriend|will be having trouble by then.
You're good. I should've known. Yeah.
Look, Tim is having some people|over next week for a barbecue.
Why don't you come by?|I will.
Just let the master|handle his business.
By the way, I'm gonna need|a little expense money.
Expenses for what? I need|funding to take Eva on a date.
What about the five|grand? That was my fee.
"Fee." "Expenses."|See how the words are different?
Three hundred should|do it. Three hundred?
Three hundred dollars?
All right. Fine. Fine.
But you're on it.|Like wet paint.
- Ray was pretty fine. - Yeah, and he|has a girlfriend. - Leave him alone.
- All the good prospects are all taken.|- Or gay.
You should always use an opportunity|like this to swoop on a man.
When Mr. Mason left his wife|last year, I jumped right on it.
- Ormandy, Mr. Mason is 70.|- Are you crazy? See, an old man is a perfect man.
You give him a little Viagra|so he can handle his business,
and right before he gets on your nerves,|honey, he dies and leaves you his cash.
That's like having a dick with|a lottery number on it! Yeah!
- Mm-mmm, that's nasty. -|Eva isn't a home wrecker.
So don't worry about them.|You can do much better.
- Jacqui, you are always blocking on Eva.|- I do not.
You do too. You're spoiled.
- You always wanna keep Eva to yourself.|- No, that's ridiculous.
- Isn't that, Eva?|- Of course it is, honey.
Jacqui, you are a big-ass baby.
- The queen ofbig-ass babies. - So why|are you guys always ganging up on me?
- Because you're an evil, twisted little heifer.|- Twisted!
- Ladies, is this how we behave?|- It has been this way since we were little!
When you cut off my baby doll's|head when I was 10!
You broke my Boo-Boo Kitty,|so the bitch had to die!
- I'm moving to Chicago.
- Eva, what did you just say?|- I'm moving to Chicago.
I might be getting a betterjob|and moving...
to Chicago.
My boss told me|the other day.
Come on. I mean, it's deputy|health inspector of Chicago!
It's a great opportunity.
Look, I've been looking|for a way to tell you guys.
So there it is...|in a nutshell.
Th-That-|That's great for you.
Yeah, it- it is.
Girl, there's some fine brothers|up in Chicago.
So you're just gonna up|and leave, just like that?
No, I have to get|the job first.
I'll find out in a few|weeks. Oh, I'm sorry.
First you get the job, then you pack|up and leave like a thief in the night?
You're just gonna leave us|like that? Do not attack Eva.
She has sacrificed for us. I'm not!
Okay, okay, stop!
Please, stop it! Stop it!
If you don't want me to go,|Jacqui, I won't.
- It's not my decision.|- It is if you're gonna hate me for it.
I don't wanna lose your|friendship, any of you.
Jacqui doesn't mean it,|do you?
I do want you|to be happy, Eva.
So if going...|makes you happy,
I'm happy.
You sure?
- You promise?
I love you, sister.|I love you too, sister.
Mm-hmm. We so pretty,|perfect and shit.
Hey, make sure you|cook that meat thoroughly.
I'd hate to tell you what kind|of things live in raw meat.
Please don't.|Thank you very much.
Babe. Is he eating those beans again?
What's wrong? I see Darrell|found my spicy baked beans.
- Give him the Heimlich.|- Separates the men from the boys.
- He knows better.|- No. See, give him some bread, you guys. Bread.
Baby, here, eat this. Eat|this. Here, here, here.
If you wanna help, stop making|these damn beans every function, Eva!
- What did you put in that stuff?|- Special recipe.
- It's only for a real man.|- I just wanna hear him talk.
Give him some more beans. Can he talk?
Oh, hey. I didn't know|Mike's friend was coming.
Oh, baby, listen. Why|don't you take care of this?
I'm gonna go over and say hello. Okay.
Excuse me, Eva.|Thankyou.
Ray, what's up? Yo!
He's really fine, Eva.
I'm not impressed|by that... much.
You say hi to Ray, man?
Give him a chance.|You gotta bend a little, girl.
Are you saying|I'm not accessible?
Yes, that is what|I'm saying, Eva.
You know, you're too good|of a person to be alone.
What's going on?|Everything's cool? Yeah.
I'm your sister, I love you,|and I'm asking you to bend.
Okay, but it's the fine ones|who leave you broke,
with bad credit|and a hair weave you don't need.
Hello again, Eva.|Hi, Raymond.
Look here, I hope you don't|mind, but I invited Ray.
No, he's most welcome.
Look, I have to|go tell Darrell something.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, you know what? These|- We don't need to cook these.
Excuse us.
Good to see you.
So, Raymond, what is it|that you do again?
I deliver meat...|forJomo's.
Meat delivery.|Interesting.
Jomo's deals in only premium|meats, high-end clientele.
What about you?|I'm a health inspector.
- That sounds interesting too.|- I need a gurney for my ass.
See the man with flames|coming out of his ass?
We're gonna need backup.|Thank you. Squeeze and pull.
- How about we go get a plate of food?|- Sure. A nice hot one.
Two minutes and she|has not insulted him.
This could be very promising.|Mm-hmm. They feel good together to me.
So, you wanna go out|with me sometime?
Is your girlfriend coming too?|'Cause we could all play canasta...
or Parcheesi|or Taboo or something.
Well, she's, uh-
Actually, it's not working out.|We're not together anymore.
As one car breaks down,|you just hop into another one?
I'd like to think that going|out with you is riding in a limo.
- I'm sorry. Did I insult you?|- No. No, it was very funny.
I just don't laugh a lot.
Lord, help me.|That's a good-looking man.
I can't keep|my legs together.
The sun comes up and you|can't keep your legs together.
Telly.|He's got sneaky eyes.
Jacqui,|don't you start.
I didn't make the man's eyes|all beady and shifty. Shh!
- What?|- You never answered my question.
What question was that?|Will you go out with me?
Look, Raymond, I know we just met,|and you seem like a really nice guy,
but I think I should tell you a|little something about myself. Okay.
I know the one thing|that scares men to death.
- What's that?|- I know the truth about them.
And the truth is, most men|don't really know what they want.
I've been through|all the basic types.
The playa-playas, who|think women are disposable toys.
The confused man, who doesn't know if|he wants to date you or your brother.
The lazy ones, who live with their mother|and expect you to pick up the check.
So if you really|wanna go out with me,
realize that it means|being a gentleman,
understand that it means|respecting my mind, body and spirit.
Eva, I'm not afraid|of you.
And I wanna go on record as|saying I totally respect...
your mind and your spirit.
- What about my body?|- It's beautiful.
- But will you respect it?|- I'll do anything to it you want me to.
Look at that. The corners of|your mouth actually turn up.
A smart-ass.|I like that.
So, will you|go out with me?
He's eating the beans.|He's eating the beans.
Oh, no, brother.|Don't do it, brother.
Whoo! That's good.|That's really good.
- Kareenah sure can cook, huh?|- Actually, I made those beans.
You put your foot in them, girl.|Damn, I love spicy food.
- How about we go out this weekend?|- Sounds good.
You're late.|I know.
I left early, but there was a|real bad accident on the street.
- Who told you I like lilies?|- Sometimes a man gets lucky.
Looks like somebody likes-
I was noticing all the pictures|of the horses.
You look good.
I love horses.|And thank you.
Here, uh,|let me take these from you.
You ever see the accident rates|on these things?
They're very dangerous.|No.
That's why I drive this.|Okay.
You're joking, right?
This is what you drive|when you take out a woman?
Yeah. It's clean|and it's free.
I'm saving to buy a house. Oh.
I can understand that. Home|ownership is very important.
Does your mother live with you? No.
Even better.
My boss has been hinting|he might want to slow down.
Let somebody run|the day-to-day for him.
I think he might want me to do it.|That's great. When do you start?
I'm thinking about it. There is|nothing wrong with a little ambition.
I was a secretary in my department.|Now I'm the lead inspector.
I gave myself five years to|get there. I did it in four.
There you go, doing that thing|you do with your face again.
Just drive|your meat wagon, man.
Did you hear about the|black caveman they found?
They knew he was black by the curve|of his jaw, length of his spine,
Cadillac he was buried in.
You tell me a joke now. I'm not|a jokey-joke type person, so-
Okay.|How about a little music?
All right, all right.
I love this record.
This must be a pretty good restaurant,|you being a health inspector and all.
Oh, yeah. Most places|I can't even go to.
They try to poison me. But this place|- Oh, God, it's different.
The manager has O.C.D.|Obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He cleans all day long.|You could eat off the floors.
Sounds appetizing.|Oh, you think that's funny?
Did you know that if food|isn't prepared just right...
your throat can close up and|you can drown in your own vomit?
Oh, I'm hungry now.
Mmm!Just like|Mama used to make.
Okay. That's really funny, Raymond,|but I know when somebody's choking.
You can stop now.
Oh, my God. Call 911!
That's not the hug I was hoping|for, but it'll do for now.
I'm just playing.
Is everything all right?|Yes.
Yes. My friend here|was just telling a littlejoke.
- What are you doing here?|- Well, well, Inspector Dandridge.
Now, you-you manage the Red|Leaf restaurant across town.
Oh, no, not after|your last inspection.
I was fired for a broken light|bulb in a freezer. Remember?
No. No, no, no,|I don't want you.
I want the man with O.C.D.
Eva, relax.|It's all right.
The old manager's not here.|How's that salad working?
You know, we used our special|house dressing just for you.
- Creamy, isn't it?|- I'm not eating here. Let's go.
I'm sure it's okay.|Did you hear what I just said?
I am not eating here.|Let's go! Okay. Okay.
Don't forget to validate.
Don't be mad at me.|I just wanted to stay.
And have her|put things in my food?
I don't think so, pal. I just|think you overreacted a little bit.
You're a civil servant,|not the F.B.I.
Well, excuse the hell|out of me.
Why don't you tell me about the|demanding world of meat delivery?
So, you just basically pick it up|and deliver it to a guy named Bob?
Or is there some sort of math|involved? You don't need to be so nasty.
Oh, there is definitely a need|for me to get nasty.
My job is serious.|It is not a hobby.
Guess what, meat boy? I'm sure|my job pays more than yours does.
So in my eyes, the eyes|of society and the I.R.S.,
that makes me bigger|and better than you.
So why don't you think about|that the next time you're out...
doing the complex work|of toting around a pig's ass.
'Cause that's like|a family thing.
You know, with the thing|- Excuse me.
Hello. Kareenah, it's|Eva. I need to talk.
It's Eva. And Kareenah.|We got an emergency.
Jacqui, it's Eva.
And Kareenah. And|Bethany. Code seven, girl.
- What's up?|- The date was catastrophic.
Wait till I tell you what happened.|This fool had the nerve to-
- What the hell went wrong?|- Kareenah was falling in love with having a baby.
And me and my wife|were cuddling. I mean,
I was hitting it real manly,|and I didn't get to finish.
They had a four-way phone|conference about your date all night.
I thought you was the master|player. The master player.
I can't get to her. Most women have|a few barriers around their hearts.
Eva has an electrified fence|with rabid pit bulls. Okay?
And that mouth!|My ears are still bleeding.
We got to do something about this, 'cause|we can't have Eva messing up our plan.
Ray, listen, all you have to do is find a|way to get back on her good side. That's all.
- He's gotta sleep with her. That's what you gotta do.|- Yeah, that's it.
Look, I would love to have|another shot with her, all right?
My pride was hurt. But I'm|sure it's out of the question.
What, you don't like women?|Watch yourself now.
- You have to have sex with her.|- I don't think that's the answer.
Oh, man, he don't like women!|I told you this dude was-
Hey, hey! I do like women,|all right? How are you?
Look, fellas, I'm sorry,
but there's no way she's|gonna go out with me again.
Hmph. No way. I'll|give you your money back.
You're damn right|you will.
'Cause I'm in|damn good company.
Martin Luther King|was uncompromising.
Nelson Mandela:|uncompromising.
Confucius: uncompromising.
And so am I. Here is your citation. Eva.
What, Raymond? I am working.|So am I.
And you're right.|There's no math involved.
Why did I stop her|from leaving?
It wasn'tjust curiosity|that made me go after her.
Now that I'm dead, I know it was|something special about Eva.
I know you're upset with me, but|I want you to go out with me again.
And why is that?|'Cause you're pretty.
That's the most shallow thing|I've ever heard.
It's not like I got to really know you.|So basically, I'm working on beauty here.
Well, you know what? I am so much|more than what's on the outside, okay?
More than what appeals|to some... meat man.
And thank you|for the compliment.
I feel like I owe you.|We can do anything you want.
Anything?|Anything. Sky's the limit.
Wait. Okay. Okay.|Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa! Oh, God. Oh, God.|Hang on! Hang on!
My ass feels like it got|caught in a blender.
You did good. You only|fell what, four times?
I have a confession to make.|I used you.
I can't afford to|come here all the time.
I come but once a month|when I save my pennies.
When you asked to go out again,|I didn't really want to, but...
I thought, you know-
I guess that makes me|a bad person, right?
No. I just wanted to make up|for the other night.
Did you know I wanted to be a horse|trainer when I was a little girl?
No. But I could have guessed.
What happened?
I had to take care of my sisters, and a|beginning horse trainer doesn't pay big bucks,
so I took a job with the city|and another as a waitress.
And there you go.|Steady pay checks.
So why didn't you go back to it|after your sisters were okay?
You know what? Let's do|something you want to do.
Yeah, sure.
I have to say, this is exactly|how I thought you'd be living.
What, you got something|against pool?
No, but a sofa wouldn't|kill you, would it?
Your turn.
So how does|a meat delivery man...
afford a nice place like this?
He struggles and makes do.
Did I tell you my boss and I are|going to the mayor's mansion...
so we can show him cuts for|a private dinner he's having?
You're doing a meat show|for the mayor?
Meat presentation. There's a|subtle difference of humiliation.
So you never did|answer my question:
why you didn't go back into horse training|after your sisters got on their feet?
I don't want to talk|about it, okay?
It's hard to get to know someone|when they won't talk to you.
You know, we're having a really|good time right now, Raymond.
Let's just drop it, okay?
Did you know...
that I was an orphan|just like you and your sisters?
My mom gave me up after I was born. I|don't think she even knew who my father was.
Yeah, so that explains it,
why the idea of staying|in one place scares you so much.
Scares me? I said I was a multi|- talented guy that liked to travel.
- I didn't say I was scared.|- I read about it.
When a child is abandoned,
he becomes afraid that his|entire life will fall apart again.
I don't think|you should feel bad about it.
It's a completely|natural reaction.
Okay then. I won't|feel bad about it.
What about you?
Our parents died|in a car accident when I was 18.
Insurance paid for the house,
and we started a bank account|that we called the Dandridge fund.
I guess as they grew older,
I settled into this cushy|little life I have now.
And I didn't wanna go back and chase|dreams of becoming a horse trainer.
So I guess if it doesn't kill|you, it makes you stronger, huh?
I think what people mean|when they say that...
is that you deal with whatever pain that|you have by building a bridge over it...
with all the things that life|hasn't taken away from you.
So if it doesn't kill you,|it makes you build a bridge.
Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I|like that. I'm gonna use that.
You should be proud of yourself.
No. I'm proud|of my sisters.
What about you, Eva? I know|all that devotion cost you.
It did.
There was this guy,|Lucius Johnson. Lucius.
Anyway, he was|our local Mr. Everything.
You know. We were young,|but it was serious.
We were gonna get married, and Ready for|the World was gonna sing at our wedding.
But... he asked me to choose|between him and my sisters.
And when I didn't choose him, he|dumped me. Why didn't you choose him?
Because my sisters needed me more than|he did, and what I needed didn't matter.
So, what about you, Raymond? What has|the tragedy in your life given you?
You know!
Just cough up the damn money|so I can get goin'.
Uh, okay. I didn't mean|to interrupt.
- Yeah, you never do, Mike.|- Pay you on the bet later, Mike.
No problem, Ray.
It's all good, baby.
Mike's a lucky pool player.|That I am.
Look, I'm gonna let you two|get back to your date.
See you later.
You know, Mike and his little|buddies are not fooling me.
I didn't think so. No.|They set us up, you and me.
They want us to date so|I'll stay out of their hair.
You might not believe this. They|don't really like me very much.
I didn't get that.|Really?
So, uh, do you mind that|they set you up with me?
Just show me how to|hit the ball straight.
You want me to show you how|to hit the ball straight? Yeah.
First, hold|the stick straight.
That's it. Now slide the|stick between your fingers.
Eva never misses our night.
Something must|have happened.
- Maybe she had an accident.|- Oh, please. Eva would call from the ambulance.
- Eva's with Ray.|- What?
But... she hates him.|We all agreed.
- How do you know that?|- She called me on her cell phone to say that...
she and Ray were going|horseback riding.
- I guess it went well. -|Horses? Three words: e- rot-ic.
Horses make me feel|all tingly.
Shut up. Shut up.
Oh, my God.
Eva has a man.
- Hey, guys.|- Eva.
Chi-town is calling you.
Congratulations, Eva.
I don't know what to say.|Um, wow.
Can I have some time|to think about it?
- Sure, but why? This is a great opportunity.|- I know, I know.
A lot's changed in my life|since all this happened.
I know how|relocation can be.
Take some time.|Thanks.
Ray, you are the messiah.
I haven't seen Eva|in a week, bro.
And Kareenah and I are having baby|talk, my blood pressure's down,
and fellas, I do believe|I am growing another penis.
Eva's cool because Ray got|her into bed. Right, player?
That's right. No, no.|We're just hanging out.
- He's modest.|- Now you have to tell her you're moving to another state...
so she can get out|of our lives forever.
Yeah. Tell her you're going|to somewhere like Delaware.
Can't nobody find that shit|on the map. I know I can't.
- Do you have to be so gleeful about it?|- What did he say?
Hey, Ray, Ray, Ray,|Ray, Ray.
- You gotta be tough. You gotta stay strong for all of us.|- Yeah.
Men who get away with shit are the|backbones of this here country, Ray.
Yeah, life, liberty and|getting away with shit, Ray.
Did you know that Eva does charity|work, teaches Bible studies?
She loves animals. She|rides this horse named Romeo.
He reacts to her|like he understands.
We didn't say she was a bad person.|We said she was an irritating person.
Yeah, and that horse|is probably retarded, man.
- I'm just saying-|- Just saying what, Ray?
We had a deal, Ray.
- Remember your motto?|Player first- - Women second.
- Now, are you the man or what, Ray?|- Come on, Ray.
You're not hearing me.|Are you the man or what, Ray?
- You know I'm your man.|- Yeah! All right!
That's a player.|I wasn't worried.
That's my money working|right there.
Eva, you flying solo|tonight?
Yeah, my boyfriend Ray had some|kind of inventory thing tonight, so-
So you given any thought|to the offer?
I'm still thinking|about it, sir.
Don't let me rush you, Eva.|We do have a small window here.
I'll keep that in mind.|Thanks.
Excuse me.
Um, let me get a white wine|spritzer, please.
You got it.
Eva. Eva Dandridge?
- Lucius?|- I thought that was you. How you been?
I'm fine, Lucius.|It's nice to see you again.
I want you to meet somebody.
My wife, Renee.|Baby, this is Eva.
- The one I told you about.|- Oh, the love of his life.
I've heard so much about you.|I hate you.
Yeah, Eva and I were engaged after|high school, but it didn't work out.
- You dumped me, Lucius.|- Right. Didn't you have to go work for your baby sisters?
Eva,you broke|Lucius's heart.
Thank God you did though. Or|else I never would have got him.
These are our kids.
They're cute.|Real cute.
I'm assistant to the mayor now.|Hired me right out of General Motors.
At a very generous salary.
- So, Eva, what is it that you do?|- I'm a health inspector.
Great. So you go look at dirty|kitchens and public restrooms...
and stufflike that?
- Sounds fascinating, girl.|- It pays the bills, yeah.
So where's your date?
He's running late.
Sorry, baby. I had that thing.
You okay?|Yeah.
Hi. Ray Adams.
How you doing, man? Lucius|Johnson. My wife, Renee. Hello.
Lucius. Heard a lot about you.
- So how long you two been going out?|- Not long.
I was in Africa on business. The city|is trading with the brothers over there.
I came all the way back|to escort Eva.
I had no idea the city of Los|Angeles was a trade partner in Africa.
You wouldn't. It's on the|highest levels of city government.
Really? Well, let's hear all|about this so-called trade program.
Ray, shush. It's fun|time now. Mr. Mayor!
Ray, how is my main man?|Good, sir. Good, good.
Good to see you.|This is my date, Eva.
So this is Eva?
Ray, you didn't|do her justice.
Thank you, sir.
- And this is, uh, Lumpy and Reeses.|- Lucius and Renee, sir.
I'm one of your new assistants and I thought that|- Ray.
I want you to bring this beautiful|young lady up to the house sometime.
Will do, sir.|Great to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.|Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Ray, my man.|I'm sorry about that-
You can have a rain check|on kissing my ass, Leo.
I have to dance|with the prettiest girl here.
Right.|Good seeing you again, Eva.
If you don't stop|staring at her,
I'm gonna slap the taste|out of your mouth.
Was that okay? The question|is, how did you do it?
Well, first I got home|from work early,
then I watched you from across the|room looking like you wanted to die.
Okay. And what|about the mayor?
I did a hell of a meat presentation|for him. Remember? That's right.
He's a really nice guy.|I only had to beg him once.
You know you look good|in that tux, right?
Your hair looks fine.
Thank you. Bethany did it.|Really?
I should go by there one day. No.|Promise me you will not go in there.
Okay. Okay.
You know, you're a good dancer.
You know. Body movement's|my specialty.
You know, they once banned|dipping in some countries...
because it was considered|a form of foreplay.
I didn't know that.
You learn something new|every day, huh? Yeah.
How long do you|wanna stay here?
After watching Lucius grovel,
not long.
What you wanna do?
Something fun.
Nice sofa.
I bought it just for you.
Just a second.|Let me get this off.
No, Eva. Don't take|your clothes off.
You wanna do it with them on? I'm|into that. Let me hike this up.
No. No, no, no, no.|I can't do this.
The bulge in your pants|didn't get that memo, so-
No, no, no, no. I- I need|to tell you something.
Yes. Whatever it is, yes. Yes. No, look.
I don't wanna move too fast.
Fast? No. The average American couple|has sex on their third date, and...
we have been dating way,|way, way longer than that.
I just-
Look, you've been through|so much stuff with men.
And I don't wanna mess things|up. I want it to be perfect.
I just think|we should wait a while.
I have to respect that,|don't I?
Yeah, I guess you do.
I have to go.
Please, don't be mad at me.|No, I'm not. It's just-
I just never had a guy who cared so|much about my feelings. It's kind of-
Oooh. It's making me|want you even more.
And if I don't leave|right now,
I'm gonna start saying all kinds|of hot, nasty, dirty things.
How hot and nasty?|Real freaky.
Go. Go.|Oh, God. Okay.
Stay.|Yeah? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did I hurt you?|Yes.
But I liked it.|Yeah?
Maybe next time we'll|actually make it to the bed.
Oh, my God.|Oh, my God.
That was good.
I wanted to say, the stuff I said|before, I just wanted to apologize.
I mean, how I acted.
That was|a beautiful apology.
The best part was when|you called me Ray.
That's 'cause there's not a lot of|need to be formal right about now.
'Cause I'm a big ho.
If you really wanna make|it up to me, tell me a joke.
No. I'm not a good joke teller. I'm|terrible. That's what makes it so special.
Okay. Oh, God.|Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
This guy goes|to a zoo, right?
You're gonna like it.|Okay, he goes to a zoo.
And he sees this gorilla.|Okay.
Okay. And he says to the gorilla, "Yo, brother. Can you give."
No. He says,|"Yo, brother. Can you loan-"
Yeah. "Yo, brother.|Can you loan me a dollar?"
And the gorilla says,|"That's why I don't wear pants."
Right.|Oh, my God.
Don't you get it?|The pants and the gorilla.
Yeah. Best joke|I ever heard.
Best joke I ever heard.|I forgot about that joke.
Oh, my God.|Oh, my goodness.
Thinking about what you told me|about your parents.
God, I mean, my folks died, but I|had my sisters to live for, you know?
I just think it might be-
it might be easier for you to get|over your fear of building a life...
if you had someone there|to help you do it.
I see.
You wanna be my bridge.
It's not like I wanna get|married to you or anything.
I can- I can be a really|good friend, that's all.
You give me your body, and then|you offer me your friendship?
My priorities are straight.|Thank you very much.
I'm offering you|the best of me right now.
I'm not the person|you think I am.
I know most women think their|man is the one that's different.
None of us are different.
I'm just like other men.
Maybe not as good as most.
I want you to think about what it|would take to build a bridge with me.
I can handle it, Ray. Okay?|I can handle it.
As long as you keep giving|me what I need, I am good.
You got all you want?|Yeah.
That. That.|A whole lot of that.
A lot of that?|A lot of that.
And all the other stuff too.
You hear me?
How can I turn down|a deal like that?
You can't.
Can you?
What's up?
Hey, girl. Nice shoes.
Ormandy. You look good.
Telly, baby,|give me some love.
Eva, what has gotten|into you?
- Not "what," "who."|- What are you wearing?
- Eva, you're glowing.|- What did you do?
Shit, I ain't sharing|my "bidness" with you.
- Oh, my God. She said "shit. "|- And "bidness."
- She gone mad to her ass.|- Y'all need to stop trippin'. I'm just in a good mood.
It's a beautiful day out. I'm with my|girls. Stop sweatin' me. My joints is hot.
And my cakes is moist.
Can a sister get some water, or|a fan or iceberg or something?
- Okay, Eva, for real. You're scaring me.|- Did you and Ray do it or not?
he did show up|at the mayor's fund- raiser.
Just when I was trapped|by Lucius Johnson...
and his wife.
- You saw Lucius? What did you do?|- Nothing. Ray did it.
He put that little sucker|in his place.
Excuse me, is there|like some, um, boning...
or salad tossing or something|in this story? Stop it.
Come on.|Okay. After he rescued me,
we danced all night long.
Slow, close,
just pelvis to pelvis.
And then we went back|to my place...
and had a nice|respectable evening.
And then we burned|a hole in the floor!
Wow. There's my baby.|Let's get freaky- deaky.
Come on, to the bedroom.|Follow me.
You know what Eva told me?|Here we go.
She told me that Ray drives his|old van from his job to save money.
So what? I mean, what's that|got to do with freaky-deaky?
I don't feel like|I sacrifice like Ray does.
You know, when I need to get|back into being focused on school.
Look. First off, Ray and|Eva, they ain't you and me.
I know that.|They're not married.
They ain't phone-boning. They're|not having sex. None of that.
Actually, they do have sex.
He hit that?|Mm-hmm.
And from what I hear,
you could take a little lesson|from him in that department.
What the-
What's that supposed to mean?|He got some tricks and shit?
I seen the dude|lickin' his lips and stuff.
Come on, sexy. Let's play doctor.|Tim, listen to me, all right?
I have been thinking a lot|about Ray and Eva.
And how they have this wonderful|new relationship, right?
And it's made me think about myself|and the plan that I had for my life...
and how I let it go.
What? But, baby,|I threw all my condoms out.
I'll get you some more.|They're on sale at Target.
Come on, Kareenah!|Sweetie, listen.
I am ready. Baby, I am so damn fertile|that if you kiss me you'll get pregnant.
This isn't like buying a coat.|If you have a baby,
you can't give it back|if you don't want it.
Who said that, Ray or|Eva? I don't remember.
Honey, why is my potpourri|on the bed?
See-|Get the DustBuster.
It was- I was gonna-|It's hot in here.
Baby, I thought we've|been through this already.
Ray and Eva have a good relationship|and they don't cohabitate.
Oh, my God. That's all I've been|hearing lately. Ray and Eva. Ray and Eva.
It's not like they're Will|and Jada or George and Weezy.
They each have their own place.|They have respect for each other.
Ray doesn't even|care about Eva. I paid-
I paid close attention to him.|He does not like her.
Sure. That's why Ray|calls her every day.
That's why they have lunch|together three times a week.
That's why Eva's thinking about|passing on a new job to stay. What job?
Eva was offered|a new job in Chicago.
But she's gonna say no|because she found Ray.
- Ain't that a- - But here's|something that'll make you happy.
- We're dissolving the Dandridge fund.|- Really? That's great.
- Eva's gonna keep it all.|- What?
You know. She has a new life, a new man.|She's gonna need that money. Okay, baby.
Here's all your stuff. Let|yourself out, okay? Love you.
Is there something wrong?
I took your advice and convinced|my boss to let me run his company.
He told me I could|start next week.
He did? That's great.|Congratulations.
That's good news, right?
You made me realize|I can't run from myself.
It's like someone gave me|a pair of glasses...
that filter out all the foolishness|and stupidity in my life.
What have I given you|for that gift, Eva?
You taught me how to trust again,|Ray. I wouldn't call that nothing.
And you've helped me come|to a decision of my own.
Baby, if you're|gonna be here,
then this is exactly|where I wanna be.
Crossed the line with|Eva, didn't you, Ray? No.
Don't lie, you lyin'|bald- headed son of a bitch.
All I did was what|you paid me for.
And now that Eva's in a relationship,|our women are even worse.
Everything that you do|comes back on us.
And Eva's keeping|all the money, Ray.
That's not my fault. Like|hell it ain't your fault, Ray!
Something's wrong with you, Ray. You've|been having too much damn fun with Eva.
You haven't asked for any|expenses lately. Why's that?
You pay for the woman.|You must like the woman.
That's ridiculous. I'm a player. I'm on|the job. What's in the garment bag, Ray?
Nothing. A suit.|I got a promotion at work.
A promotion? That is Eva|all the way. No, that's me.
Then what the hell is this?|Tupperware.
That's Eva's middle name.
I just needed|to organize a few things.
Organization is Eva's|second middle name.
Look, Eva got a job offer|in Chicago.
You're gonna dump her. That way, she|has no reason to stay here, get it?
Yes. Say "yes," Ray.|She's staying because of me?
Uh-uh. She's staying because|you boned her. You boned her!
We know all about it, partner. And|that is like stealing from your job.
You have embezzled the booty. Now, look.
You're gonna call her tomorrow,|and you're gonna tell her it's over.
No. He did not just say "no," did he?
- No, I said "no."|- Listen, now! Hold up for a second!
You're supposed to be a master|player. You forgot the rules.
Players don't feel. That's like a|pimp with a health plan, brother.
Mike, where did you find|this big-ass bamba, man?
You done went from DMX to Babyface|on us, man. What's up with that?
Wait. They done gave you|a copy of their theme song.
They done made you an|orange. Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry. I do like her,|all right?
I had to open my heart to get to her,|and when I did, she got to me first.
- I think I might love her.|- Love?
Love is an excuse, an alibi,|a justification for sex.
But it is not something that should|stop a man from keeping his promise, Ray.
Look. I'm sorry, fellas.
I'm going to|see Eva tonight,
and the least I can do is|tell her in person what I did.
So... that's it.
Come on. Let's go.
Mike. Mike!
So, is she real good, man? Does|she have some methods that she did?
'Cause I'm trying|to getJacqui-
This is bull-
Thank you, Thomas.|No problem.
I need to get up out of here so y'all|can get back to dissin' us brothers.
I know how y'all is.|Excuse us?
Aw, man. Y'all females|be trippin', man.
Look. First y'all|drive men away,
then y'all wanna bitch and moan|when y'all ain't got one.
Hold up. Hold up.|Code 12.
You know why I complain,|Thomas?
- 'Cause I need a real man.|- Here we go.
I need a real man,|not a child or a boy.
Give me a hard rock, not|a soft little toy. Wow.
You think women are hard?|You think we're evil and mean?
- Well, I think maybe you don't need us.|- Maybe you on the wrong team.
So I need a real man,|and my standards are high.
Don't like what you just heard?|Then you need not apply.
Wait a second. Fresh meat.
Come on.|Leave 'em alone, ladies.
Mike. Honey, is something|wrong? I got some bad news.
It's, uh- It's about Ray.
Ray!|My Ray?
What- Is he okay?
Some story, huh?|Well, it's not quite complete.
We got three hours before the funeral,|fellas. Is all the food and water okay?
Everything is okay. Darrell,|where did you find this place?
This is an old postal storage|warehouse, but we don't use it anymore,
not till now.
Look here, Ray. You got everything|you need. You even have two bathrooms.
Bucket number one,|and bucket number two.
You'll be a little gamey in a|few days, but you'll be alive.
This won't work. Oh, yes|it will, baby muscles.
See, you've died in a car accident|according to this police report.
Show him. Right here.|Yeah, yeah.
Eva needed to know that your|body was immediately cremated.
What about my family? Did you|think about that, smart guys?
You ain't got no relatives, Ray, and very|little friends, thanks to your job-hopping.
And Eva took that job in Chi-town|after she found out you were dead.
It's not fair for you to|make her leave under a lie.
It wasn't fair for you|to screw us on that deal.
No, Ray. Let him go.|Let him go!
Come on. Fellas,|fellas, fellas, listen.
Listen. Maybe we need to just think|about this for one minute, all right?
No, you think about this.|It's our word against his.
By the time he tells Eva the|truth, she'll be long gone.
And then we can say we didn't know anything|about this sick joke that he played on her.
What the hell are you doing|falling in love with Eva?
I think it's 'cause she got some good booty,|man. See all that aggression he got in him?
That's 'cause he ain't|gettin' none. Let's go.
Come on, Tim.
Tim, come on!
First of all, I'd like to thank|all of you for coming today.
You know, Ray and I didn't|really know each other very long,
but... in that short amount|of time,
we became really close.
You know, when someone|enters your life,you-
you don't really know|how it changes you...
until they're gone.
I thought you said this was|gonna be a simple funeral.
Who are all these people?
Eva. She invited|all her friends from work.
Where the hell does|Eva work at, Soul Train?
Look at all these black|people in here. It's packed.
Look.Just hang in there.|It's gonna be okay. I promise.
I've, uh,
invited my friend Valerie|from my church choir...
to sing a song.
Lord, it's a miracle.
Oh, my God. Baby.
What happened? Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a lie.|It's all a lie.
No, I wasn't in on this, okay?|Y'all did this on your own.
Tim, Mike and Darrell...|faked my death...
so that you'd leave town.|That's a lie!
Eva, he wanted to dump you, but he didn't|have the guts to tell you face-to-face.
That's what happened. Mm-hmm. Ray?
Is that true?
No, it isn't.|Don't, Tim!
- Please!|- It's over.
Eva, we did take Ray.
And we lied about him|being dead.
This is the best funeral I've ever|been to in my life. You got that right.
I'm sorry.
It's not their fault.|Like hell it isn't.
You three...
have yet to feel my rage.
Eva,you don't understand.
It's because of me.
The only reason|I went out with you...
is because they paid me to.
I was supposed to...|make you like me,
then trick you|into moving away.
But I didn't know you then.
I didn't realize|how wonderful you are.
How much you changed me,|make me wanna change.
I know I was wrong,|but...
what we have is bigger|than all the mistakes I've made.
I'm certain of that.
How much did they pay you?
Eva, that's not-|How much?
Five thousand dollars.
But, Eva, I'm giving them|that money back, and I promise-
You are exactly|who I thought you were.
So, I guess|you're single now, huh?
Excuse me.
Eva, please. Let me|have a minute. Stalker!
Sixty seconds, Eva. Okay,|okay, one minute. Go, Raymond.
Raymond? How did I get all|the way back to Raymond? Right.
I don't want you|to stop being mad.
I understand how you feel.
I'm upset, too,|at myself.
But we need to remember what we're|losing here. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
I know you still have|feelings for me.
I have feelings for you.
Life is hard, Eva. We both|passed up on a lot of good things.
We are too wise|for that now.
I am never, ever gonna find|another woman like you.
I love you.
You know what I learned|about love, Raymond?
It isn't a virus that|infects you. It's a choice.
We choose to be in love, and|we choose what love makes us do.
I earned your choice,|and you stole mine.
I was ready to give up|my entire life for you,
and all you were|ready to do was let me.
So are you sure?
Are you sure you love me?
Or are you just upset that...
I found out what you were...
and... made a different choice?
That's what I thought.|Excuse me, I have travel plans.
What's up, fellas?
Eva, you don't|have to rub it in.
We've been trying to apologize to your|sisters for weeks. They still hate us.
My sisters love you.
They love you so much.
I was just a distraction|and a huge pain in the ass.
And I am so sorry.
We dissolved the Dandridge fund|and split it up yesterday.
Let's go home.|Let's get out of here.
And I can read you a book.
Yeah. As long as|it's not a scary book.
I don't like scary books.
Maybe we could have|some, uh- some make-up sex.
Don't worry.|I have plenty of protection.
We don't need it.
I wanna do this right now|before I lose my nerve.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!|Oh, my God.
Will you?|Yes.
You know what? We should all go to dinner. Eva, let's|- Yeah.
Holy mother of God.
Hey, Eva!
Whoa. Whoa.
I quit my job, sold my|house and bought him.
You shouldn't have.|I can't be bought.
I got him a home in a stable just|outside of town. It's paid up for a year.
Are you even|listening to me?
Yes. Now you listen to me.
You said love is a|choice. Well, I love you.
And I'm not leaving. I'm gonna|show up at your job every day.
I'm gonna send you gifts,|and tell you I'm sorry...
until you understand that|I will not live without you.
Or until you call|the cops on me, but...
even that won't stop me.
Excuse me, ma'am.|Is this your animal?
Yes, Officer.|This is my horse.
My horse.
You're gonna have|to move him off the street.
Will you buy|a horse for me?
Hello, is Linda there?
Hey, babe.
Listen, I'll pick you up|over on Fairfax.
I'm at work.
No, you know you can't come by.
I'm pretending to be gay.
Because in L.A., a straight hairdresser|is an unemployed hairdresser.
Well, at least|until I get my own place.
Absolutely.|Okay, I love you too.
Telly, honey. Would it kill you|to come in there and do some work?
Oh, I'm sorry. I just had to check|on my honey. You know how they are.
DC Sniper 23 Days of Fear
D A R Y L 1985
Daddy Day Care
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Defiant Ones The
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