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25.000 THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK Today are starring: Schweik: Mrs. Muller:|Innkeeper Palivec: Detective Brettschneider:|Army Chaplain: Lieutenant Lukas:|Mrs. Wendler: Minor parts acted by: Assistant Director: Screen - Play and Direction: So they've killed our Ferdinand,|Mr. Schweik! - Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller?|I know two. One of them does jobs for Prusa|the chemist, and one day he drank a bottle of|hair - oil by mistake... - But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke|Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste, you know, the fat, pious one. - Good Lord, that's a fine thing... And where did this happen? - They shot him at Sarajevo,|with a revolver, you know. He was riding there with his Archduchess|in a motor - car. - Fancy that, Mrs. Muller, what a bad end a ride in a motor - car|can have! Did he suffer long?|- The Archduke was done for on the spot!|You know, a revolver is no plaything.|- There's some revolvers, Mrs. Muller, that won't go off if you tried|till you was dotty! But they are sure to have bought something better than that|for the Archduke! And I wouldn't mind betting,|Mrs. Muller, that the fellow that did it put on his Sunday bests for the job. You know, this is net a case|of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper. For a job like this, you have to wear|a top - hat, or else the police would run you in|before you got near him. - I hear there was a whole lot of them,|Mr. Schweik. - Of course, Mrs. Muller! If you for instance wanted to kill|an Archduke... - Oh, Mr. Schweik!|...or the Emperor, naturally you'd talk it over|with somebody. Two heads are better than one. One hives one bit of advice,|the other gives another and so the good work prospers.|As cir National Anthem says. - The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik,|that the Archduke was properly riddled with bullets. The assassin emptied the whole lot|into him. - That was mighty quick work,|Mrs Muller. I'd buy a Browning for a job like that. It looks like a toy, but in a couple of minutes, you could|shoot twenty Archdukes with it, thin or fat! - I got the shock of my life now. I thought somebody had been spying|on us! - But instead of that, cur Balaban, sold six times already,|has returned again. - Aren't you unlucky with that dog,|Mr. Schweik... Why did you take him in to begin with? - I had to take care of him,|you know, because ho is so ugly that all other|dogs avoid him. And he was so sad about it. - All that suffering he's caused us! - Well, now, Mrs. Muller,|I'm going round to the "Flagon". - All right,|Mr. Schweik. - Give my key with the house - porter,|please! - Good bye, Mr. Schweik! - We are having a fine summer,|aren't we? - All damn rotten! - That's a fine thing they have done for|us at Sarajevo, don't you agree? - Do you mean the wine - shop in Nusle?|They have a rumpus there every day. - No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia.|They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there. What do you think of that?|- I never shove my nose into that sort of thing.|I've got my business to see to. - Innkeeper, you used to have a picture|of the Emperor hanging there... - That's right,|it used to hang there, but flies left their trade - marks|all over it, so I put it into the attic. You see, somebody might pass|a remark about it and then there would be trouble.|What do I need such a thing for? - Good day to all of you, Gentlemen!|- Alright, Mr. Schweik. - One Black beer for me today.|- A black one...? - At Vienna,|they're also in mourning today. You won't believe me,|gentlemen, but I know that something will happen|at Sarajevo. - What, you know about it...?|- Of course, as soon as there is an army parade,|something is bound to happen. Allow me, is this yours?|- Please. - I remember once, during an inspection|like that, there were twenty buttons missing|from my tunic and I got two weeks solitary|confinement for it, and had to spend two days of it tied up,|hand and foot. And all that because of discipline. Our company commander, a fellow called|Makovec, always used to say: There's got to be discipline,|you thick-headed louts, or else you'd be crawling about like|monkeys on trees!" And isn't it true, gentlemen?|- Hm. - Just imagine a park, on Charles Square for instance, with an undisciplined soldier|on every tree... That's what I was always mast afraid of. - That business at Sarajevo was done|by the Serbians. - You are wrong there. It was done by the Turks,|because of Bosnia and Herzegovina. They're cross, because our Emperor did not help them in the war|with Serbia. Do you like Turks?|Do you like that heathen pack of dogs? - A customer is a customer!|And he may be a Turk for all that. People like us, who have a business|to look after, can't be bothered with polities. Pay for your drink, and you can sit down|and talk what you like! - All right, Innkeeper,|but you'll have to admit that it's a great loss to Austria. - Yes, there's no denying it.|A fearful loss! You can t replace Ferdinand by any sort|of tomfool. Isn't that true? I say, I wouldn't like to be|the Archdukes widow. What's she going to do now?|The children are orphans, the estate at Konopiste is without|a master, what is she going to do...? Marry another Archduke?|What good would come of that? She'd take another trip to Sarajevo|and be left a widow for the second time! - Come, come, gentlemen, talk about|something else! I don't like this! One world leads to another and then|you might be sorry! - We are not drunk,|to make nasty remarks about the Emperor! - And what sort of natty remarks about the Emperor do people make|when they are... - Well...|- Well, what...? - All sorts.|- Well, what sorts? Do you know any? - Get drunk...|- And then what? ...get them to play the Austrian|National Anthem... - Well, and...? ...and you'll see what you'll start|saying. But the Emperor is not going to put up|with that sort of thin. Little do you know his!|There's got to be war with them Turks! Kill my uncle, would you? Then take this smack in the jaw|for a start. There's going to be a war!|That's all I can tell you. - Follow me out into the passage|and there I'll tell you something! - Let me have another Sliwowitz and I shall have to go,|you know, I've just been arrested. - Come here! Are you married?|- Yes. - And can your wife carry on|the business during your absence? - Yes. - Well, then, hand the business over|to you wife and we shall come for you|in the evening! - But why?|- Don't you worry, I am being run in only for high treason.|- And I was being that careful! - I've got you for saying that the flies|left their trade - marks on the Emperor. Let's go! They'll knock all that stuff|about the Emperor out of your head! - I am innocent!|I don't read the papers at all! - What concern is that of mine...?|- I am not interested in politics! Mister! Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent! - For God's sake, where did you put|my basket? - Call my lawyer|immediately! - What's that?! What's that?!|- Off you go! - Please...|be kind enough to tell the inspector, that I'm a stationer! - Is there a vacant place here? - Well, what does it look like|outside? Shall we be here for long? - It depends on the kind of crime|you have committed. - Mister, I'm the chairman|of the "Smallholder's Union"! We just had a garden party.|Two tens of Wiener - schnitzels and a lottery. And just when the party was going fine,|a gentleman came around and told us to stop,|that Austria was in mourning. So I said: "Just wait a moment, till they've played 'Hej, Slovane'.|And here I am. - Well, you can be sure of a long stay!|They took me in just for trumping a king at cards|and saying: Bang goes the king, just like|in Sarajevo." - This looks like ten years for each of us.|- But why me?! I have a stationer's shop!|- I'm innocent, Mister! I'm innocent! - So was Jesus Christ,|and they crucified him for all that! Well, nobody has ever anywhere|at anytime, cared a damn whether a man s innocent a damn whether a man's innocent or not.|- That's true. - I am not Jesus Christ, I'm really innocent!|- Quiet, now! - Please, Mister,|you have such a kind look on you face, tell them I'm innocent! - Quiet, please!|I'm preparing a lecture! - I am innocent!|- Come on... - And why do you happen to be here? - Leave me alone,|you good - for - nothings, with you,|I could only get into trouble. - This gent is here for attempted murder|only. He tried to murder an old man|from Holice. - Now I'm here, too!|- I felt sure the gentleman would keep his word. It's nice to know|you can rely on people. - I don't give a damn! - Well, I think I'll go med!|We are really in prison! - It used to be much worse, you know.|In old days, the accused had to walk over glowing hot iron...|- You don't say! ...and they made them drink|melted lead! - For God's sake!|- Today, it's a real pleasure! We have bunks, and a table, and the toilet is right under our noses.|- Yes. - Conditions have certainly improved!|To our benefit. - Schweik Joseph!|Come up for examination! - Excuse me. - But I didn't say|anything like that! - How often are you going to spit,|man? - Well, as a matter of fact,|I don't feel like, it, but I'm trying to do as the regulations|tell me to. - Ha. I'm sure...|- That notice over there says... ...some at the "Flagon". - Good evening,|gentlemen, I hope you're all well! - Take that idiotic expression|off your face! - I can't help it! I was discharged from the army|on account of being feeble - minded. I'm feeble - minded officially, please. - The offences you have committed show, that you have got all your wits|about you! Insulting his Royal Highness,|approval of the murder of the Archduke, making fun of the State Mourning,|inciting rebellion... Why are you sticking your nose|into my papers?! - I only wanted to know|whether nothing has been left cut! - What have you get to say for yourself? - There's a lot of it. You know,|you can have too much of a good thing. - So you admit it's true? - I admit everything.|You've got to be strict! - Who do you keep company with?|- My charwoman, Sir. - And you don't know anybody|in political circles here? - Of course I do,|I buy the "National Politics" regularly, because of the ads, you know,|in case someone looks for a lost dog... - Shut your trap! Do you admit everything? - If you wish me to admit me everything, I shall admit it.|Sir, but if you tell me: "Schweik, don't you admit anything!" Then I shall argue the point|till the end of my days. - Sign here! - Just a moment!|I forgot the full stop. Is there anything else for me to sign? - You'll be taken|to the Criminal Court in the morning. - And at what time, Sir?|I would not like to oversleep, whatever happens!|- Get out! - Well, I only wanted|to avoid causing a delay... So what?|How? - I just confessed that I probably killed Archduke|Ferdinand. - Welcome. CRIMINAL COURT|This golden gate, open today, who walks in,|will loose his head, This golden gate, open today, who walks in, will get hit|over the head... - Good day. - Sit down. So you are Mr. Schweik? - I think I must be, because my dad was called Schweik and my mother was Mrs. Schweik. - This is a fine business|you've been up to... You've got plenty on your conscience! - I've always got plenty|on my conscience. I'll bet I've got more on my conscience|than what you have, Sir. - I can see that|from the statement you signed. Well... Did they bring any pressure to bear|on you at Police - Headquarters? - Not a bit of it, Sir! When they told me to sign,|I just did what they told me to. I'm not going to quarrel with them|over my own signature. I shouldn't be doing myself|any good that way! - Do you feel quite well,|Mr. Schweik? - I wouldn't say quite well,|Your Honour. I've got rheumatism|and I'm using embrocation for it. When the weather is about to change,|it hurts something awful! Do you hear how my joints creak? - Do sit down again! What do you say to that, Mr. Schweik? We were to have you examined|by the medical authorities? - There was one doctor,|who examined me already at Police - Headquarters,|to see if I had V.D. Well... you know, Mr. Schweik, I think we shall try the medical board. You'll have a nice rest,|won't you? One more question. You are supposed to have said, that war is going to break out soon. - Yes, Your Honour.|It will break out any moment now. - Don't you think|you could be wrong? - I hope not, after all, it's already written down|in my statement, Your Honour. - So you know it for sure? - Anybody may be wrong, an educated man as well|as an illiterate fool. Even ministers are wrong sometimes. - Don't you ever feel|run down at all? - No, Your Honour, except that I once got nearly run down|by a motor - car, on Charles' Square.|But that's years ago. - That's quite enough.|You may go now. - Thanks very much, Your Honour,|I'm very pleased to have met you! Gentlemen, long live|our Emperor Franz Joseph the First! - The case is quite clear. Any further examinations|are quite unnecessary. - But we shall have to comply|with the law! - Take five steps! I've told you to take five stops only! - A few steps more or less|won't kill me. And I did not complain of anything|having fallen in my eye. - Show us your teeth!|Better, man, better! - This is how a Danish hound|would do it, gentlemen! - Sit down! Cross your feet! Not this way, at leisure! - Tell us quickly, could you|measure the diameter of the globe? - Tell us quickly!|Is radium heavier than lead? - I've never weighed it, Sir. - Listen, you can sing? Could you sing a song for us? - Of course, gentlemen. I have neither voice nor ear, but I shall do it to please you,|if you want to have some fun. Oh, the monk in the armchair yonder, in his hand he bows his head... That's all I know,|but then, I know some folksongs, like:|"God save our Emperor" and "When we went into the war..."|and then some hymns... - I believe|that's quite enough. - One more question, professor.|- Of course, please yourself. - Dear colleague, I believe...|- No, no! I insist on this question! Tell me, how much is 12897 times 13863? - 729. - Let's write down|our findings. The undersigned medical authorities, agree on the complete creationism|of Joseph Schweik, who expresses himself in terms such as "Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph|the First!"...a remark, which completely suffices to demonstrate Schweik s mind to be that of an obvious imbecile. The undersigned medical authorities thus return the examined Joseph Schweik to the responsible authorities. That s the Emperor s proclamation|to say, that war has been declared! - I saw it coming, but in the Asylum they don t know|anything about it yet, although they should be the first|to get it. - What do you mean by this? - Because they ve got|a lot of army officers locked up there. - Aha. Right. - Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph! We'll win this war! - That's enough.|No trouble now! Just disperse quietly! Gentlemen, I can see it|quite clearly. We're absolutely bound to win this war! - I'm extremely sorry|that you've fallen into our hands again. We thought you'd turn over a new leaf,|but we seem to have been mistaken! Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it|that induced you to indulge in such silly tricks?! - I don't know what silly tricks|you mean! - Well, isn't it a silly trick|to cause a crow to collect and incite them by shouting:|"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph, we'll win this war!"? - It fairly riled me to see them|all reading the Royal proclamation and not showing any pleasure about it|at all, nobody shouted Hooray or called|for cheers! So I, being an old soldier,|had to shout these words! And I think, that if you'd been|in my place, you'd have done just the same. If there's a war, it's got to be won.|Nobody is going to talk me cut of that! - I thoroughly appreciate|your enthusiasm, but the fact that you were|under police escort must have made a rather|ironic impression... - When a man is being run in|by a police officer, it is a critical moment in his life. And, if at such a moment, a man does not for - get to do|the proper thing, that is not a bad thing at all. - Go to blazes, Schweik! But if we ever meet here again, you will go straight before|a Court Martial! Is that clear? - God bless you for everything|you have done! And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog|at any time, just call on me, I deal in dogs.|- Get out! I don't believe him anyway.|Go on, tell us, inspector, How can a lout like he be interested|in Austria winning the war? - Well, in any case,|don't let him get out of sight! As you wish...|You know what? We'll try to take him unawares! - Well,|Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Good day.|- Good day. II. Host Good day. - Well, here I am, back again. But where is Mr. Palivec? - They gave him...|...ten years... a week... ago. - Fancy that now... then he has already served|seven days of it. - And he was that cautious... - Caution is the mother of wisdom. Well, let me have a large rum! - And the sausages,|Mrs. Palivec? - I'm getting them right away. - Good day. - Fancy that, a man called Cimpera, Straskov No.6, is selling a farm with 13 ares|of fields, situated close to school and railway... - I am surprised to find that you are|interested in farming, Mr. Schweik. - Oh, it's you, is it? I didn't recognize you! - I came here today on your account.|- Well, let's go then. - Stay where you are! All I want is a dog. - That I can get for you! - Oh God...! Help me, I'm so unhappy! What have I ever done to anybody? - Don't cry, woman!|In three months, we'll have won the war, there will be an amnesty|and your husband will come home! - And will that help me? Here I have hot sausages|and all the customers want away! Why do you keep coming here? You will ruin me. - Well, leave them here,|I'll pay for them! And a bottle of wine,|I want to spend some real money today! - Wouldn't you like a police - dog?|I know a man who's got one. - You know,|all I'm concerned about this size. - The one I'm talking about|is about this size... - Oh, no!|I'd like a ratter. Quite a small one... a cheap one. - A ratter is no calf. The smaller they are,|the more they cost! - Well, in that case...|...a big or one will do. - I'll have to ask you|for an advance of 30 crowns, and I'll get you a dog, that will make|everybody's head turn round. - 30 crowns?|Well... Here they are.|And let's have a drink on the bargain! - One more, please!|- What's wrong? - Well, you have to pay for having fun! - Today you don't have to be afraid|of me, I'm mot on duty and you can say whatever you like|about politics! - I don't discuss things like that|in a pub. Anyway, all politics ale for children.|- You think so? Of course, yes,|or for such fools as Franz Joseph.|Hahahaha... Come here, friend! ...You do like me,|don't you? - Look here, friend,|give me some advise, I want to register with the Anarchists. Why not, what do you say to that?|Yes. And all that... Look, look, look... Come here and take this!|Take this! Call me by my first name,|will you? - "What every good citizen earns, the state takes away from him!" - Don't be silly! Someone will come and you'll have|difficulties... You get all sorts today!|Look, Bohous, what about that ratter,|where do I deliver him? Ratter?|What ratter? Oh, the ratter! Bohous... Pepik...|Don't worry about ratters, You know, I shall come|and get the ratter... personally... - Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik!|- Good afternoon. Good afternoon.|So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller! - For Christ's sake,|Mr. Schweik, so you're alive? Don't be cross with me,|I took a new lodger, he's a porter in a night - club.|They searched your place three times. Everybody said your lost,|as you are such a card! - Look here, boss,|get up, or you'll be late! - Get out! - I'd be very sorry if you'd have|to state to your company commander that it was my fault you overslept|the mobilisation. See for your self,|here it is, there's a war on! - What sort of stupid joke|is this? - War! - And I wanted to sleep|till eight in the evening. Marena, get up! - Hello, hello. They're taking them to the station now. - Luis, I won't let you go! Christ, you are such a big chunk|of a fellow, they'll hit you in no time! - Marena, damn you,|don't be silly! I've been working in a night - club|for ten years... A silly war can have no surprises|for me! Let's go! - The Emperor declared war and asked everybody to join... - Mrs. Muller! Mrs. Muller! - Yes, Mr. Schweik?|Is your rheumatism worse again? - Hand me my army - cap|from the wardrobe! I'm going to join the army! - Gracious me...|And what are you going to do there? - Fight! Austria's in a bad way,|that's why they are calling me up. Even our evening paper admits now,|that our dear fatherland is threatened by dark clouds.|- They can move, can't they! - It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller,|I'll join the army in a Bath chair! The confectioner round the corner|has just the thing I want. Years ago, he used to wheel his lame,|wicked grandfather in it. - But, Mr. Schweik...! - Get that wheel - chair and push me to the war! To Belgrade!|To Belgrade! - Look, people, how funny.|A lame man going to enlist! - They're going to win, aren't they... - To Belgrade! You are wrong, I have it here,|written cut quite clearly! - To appear before the authorities,|clean, tidy and in a sober state... What is there to laugh about?!|- As you can see, my dear policeman, I'm really going to join up! For the Emperor|and his family! - He's a heroic soldier! - Escort this man|to the local Army Headquarters! - Let me pass!|Let me pass! I know this gent from "Free Mind"! Long live the Serbians, our brothers!|Don't you agree? Hip hip...|Hooray! - People,|that's a secret policeman! - He's trying to provoke us! - Das ganze|tschechische Volk ist eine simulanten Bande! How many people are to appear|before the Board today? - 550. - And how many should be drafted?|- 550. - Well, get them here, quick! Halasek Joseph, baker. - One hundred and sixty.|- Tauglich! - Kocicka Vaclav - waiter. - Tauglich! - Hrdina Borivoj - teacher. - Tauglich! Take that malingerer away! Waiter! - Schweik Joseph!|- Here! - Superarbitrated on account|of being feeble - minded. - And what else is wrong with you? - Beg to report, Sir,|I've got rheumatism, but I'll serve the Emperor|till I'm hacked to pieces. - Sie sind ein Simulant! Arrest that man immediately, and take him to Dr. Grunstein, he cures every single one for them! - Doctor's round!|- Doctor's round! - Out of bed!|Doctor Grunstein. Out! Macuna.|Asthma. - Enema and aspirin. - Kotatko - deaf and dumb. - Have you been like that since birth? Wash his stomach out and quinine! - Pokorny - tuberculosis. - Double enema! - Schweik.|- Here! - No diagnosis as yet. - What's wrong with you then? - I obediently report|that I've got rheumatism. - Oh, what a coincidence, getting|rheumatism when there's a world war and you're supposed to fight...! You must be cursing your luck! - I obediently report, oberarzt,|that I'm cursing my luck! - Hm.|And do your knees hurt? - I obediently report that they hurt. - Well, we'll treat you here|better than in Pistany! And you'll be marching to the front|as fast as your legs can carry you! Write this down!|Complete diet, wash his stomach out once a day|and an emena once a day! A proper one! Until he begs all the saints|for the rheumatism to get up and go! Right, now... ...now I'm going to give you|some pills. Drink that immediately! - God save our souls...! - I am not going to examine you,|you bumps! I know you are all malingerers|who want to shirk the army. Don't think me an utter fool! Those beds have accommodated|whole swarms of men, who had nothing wrong with them except|a lock of military spirit! I cured all of them with my enemas. In twenty years to come,|you'll still scream in your sleep when you dream you're trying to swing the lead|on Doctor Grunstein! - Beg to report, Sir, my ability to speak and my hearing|seem to be returning. - Good, but you'll have your enema|before you go, so you can't complain|we didn't cure you here! - The most sacred emotions|were touchingly demonstrated by a cripple,|who was being wheeled along in a Bath - chair by an old woman. "To Belgrade!", shouted|this worthy son of the Czech nation, who enlisted in the army, in order to prove his fidelity|to the Emperor. This man is prepared to give his life|and possession for his monarch. - Genug, ma chére!|Genug! - As Your Excellency,|the Baroness, commands. It goes no further anyway. - Ach, mein Gemahl, the general von Botzenheim,|he used to say: A Czech soldier,|always a good soldier! Johann! We must go to the hospital immediately,|to find this heroic soldier! It's no good coming here|with rheumatism! This stands as much chance here|as corns! I have only half a stomach|and nobody believes me anyway! The best thing is to have petrol|injected under the skin! That gives you a fine, high temperature,|which makes you want to jump out of the window! - Jesus, I'm hungry! I cant stand it any longer! - I had a dream today, that I was eating some lovely|drippings. - Hot or cold? - Cold.|- That I couldn't, I prefer them hot, and a nice, golden brown colour! - For God's sake, fellows,|stop talking about food! - Everybody to bed!|Did you hear me? Be quick about it! Get a move on! Some Archduchess is supposed|to come here! What are you waiting for?|For goodness' sake, lads! Hurry up! And don't dare to show your dirty feet,|you louts! No complaints either,|do you hear me? Who says a word will be strum up later! - I beg to report that I'd like to|welcome the Archduchess. I know a very nice welcoming address.|- Will you lie down! - I obediently report|that I'm lying down. - Well, here is our dear Schweik. He's being very patient. A chair!|- Schweik, two enemas and a chair! - For the Baroness!|- An enema for the Baroness? - A chair!|- Oh, a chair! - A Czech soldier -|very good soldier! A crippled soldier,|I love a Czech Austrian. I've read everything in the papers! Johann! Come here! I've brought you something nice|to eat... ...bite... ...sip... ...to smoke... and to drink. Read the inscription aloud! - Deutschmeisster,|liqueor for soldiers and civilians. Gott strafe England. - When in need... Pardon me, Madam, I wanted to say: "God bless you for all these gifts, amen!" - Look how the soldier|enjoys it all! I am sure he will be cured soon|and fit for the front! - Certainly, Baroness.|I won't keep him a day longer, than necessary! - I haven't smoked since heaven|knows when! Stop it! Don't be stupid!|Quiet now!... - Here!|- Here! Habt acht!|Habt acht! Habt acht!|Habt acht! - So, you lots,|you don't appreciate my kindness! I pump your stomachs,|I give you enemas, and the moment I turn my back you|try to kill yourselves by overeating! All of them are to have their stomachs|pumped out, immediately! Do you know the Baroness? - She's my stepmother. She abandoned me|at a tender age and now she's found me again. - Give him another enema|and then send him straight to jail! - Don't spare me! The foundations of the Austrian Empire|are based on that enema and victory is sure to be ours! - Smell my fist,|you lout! - I wouldn't like to feel it|on my nose! It smell's of graveyards! - Well, then, remember it,|you twerp! - Just a moment|I'm coming! - Now you'll see a good show!|The chaplain is usually drunk. - Habt acht! Everybody follow me in prayers. Repeat what I'll say. Which Sunday is it, anyway? I know it won't work! I am all for having you shot! I insist on it from this holy place,|you good - for - nothings, because you won't turn over|a new leaf and want to carry on|on the thorny road of a sinner! I ask you not to blow your nose here! We are no horses and neither are we|in a stable! Sergeant,|don't you notice anything? Remember, that you are soldiers and not blasted civilians! And that you must see through a dark cloud into the distant space! And know, that everything here lasts only for a short time. Yes.|Well... where did I stop? God is merciful, but only towards decent people, and not for a gang of rotters,|who take no notice of God's laws and the army's regulations! You don't even know how to pray, and you think this some sort of a show or circus. Do you hear me,|you down there in your underclothes? - Beg to report, Sir,|we hear you! - Some day you'll remember me and you'll know that I meant well! That man should serve you as an example! What is he doing?|He's crying! Don't cry! I tell you, stop it! Do you want to become a better man? That's not such an easy job,|my lad! You're crying now,|but when you get back to your cell, you'll be just as big a louse a before! I've finished, you loafers, and I want you to behave properly|during mass! And not like last time, when some of you fellows at the back|were swapping government linen for grub! At ease! So here you are! That's the first time|anyone has ever shed a tear in my church. Admit it, you blackguard, that you've cried only for fun! - I beg to report, Sir,|that I was really shamming. I saw that what your sermon needed|was the reformed sinner, so I tried to oblige. - I'm beginning to like you! What are you here for? - Beg to report, Sir,|I really don't know. I always mean well and it turns out badly. Just like the martyr in that picture. - I will ask the provost about you! Dismissed! Schweik isn't here! What the hell is in those shelves? If at least you had a bottle|in every draw... We could drink them up in alphabetic|order. - There's such a mess|in those files, such a chaos. Hallo!|Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking! Captain, I should like to know|whether you haven't got the file relating to a man called Schweik! I am supposed to have it? That's odd.|Excuse me. It's beginning to interest me too,|what's happening to this fellow Schweik! - Who searches, find.|God's mercy is endless. What about cards, do you play? - Well,|I am out of luck lately! But I know a girl,|I tell you, she is a sweet bit! - Hey, I need a batman! - Well, here you are, here's Schweik!|And right on top of the file, too. I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work.|- What did he do? - That I don't know, but look!|He's been executed. - Rubbish!|I've just been talking to him. - And what is here for?|- He doesn't know himself. - That's what they all say! Richtig, richtig,|somebody mixed up the files. But what shall we do now?|- No, co...! Well, sentence someone else|on Schweik s files. - That will be difficult. - That's a pity.|Tomorrow, I'm having a party, there'll be drinks, and ladies too...|You will come, won't you? - Well, since it's you, dear padre,|you can have him! - Who do you keep greeting|all the time? - All these people|are acquaintances of mine. - Oh, you don't say?|Are you from Prague? - From Prague, yes.|- You won't give us the slip? - Of course he'd run away|at the first chance! - Why should he?|He's practically free now! I have it here, in my pocket. - And what do you have in your pocket?|- Well, I don't quite know. - You see! You don't even know|and yet you're talking! - Don't you know why we are taking you|to the Army Chaplain? - For confession. - What, for confession?|- Yes, they'll hang me tomorrow. - Hang?|- That's how it's done. They call it spiritual comfort. - Oh well, come along! Halt! Nur fur Militär! Bis jetzt. - How about taking those bayonets off?|After all, he's one of us! - But how? Halt!|- Are you crazy? - Look here, you know this place.|Do you know of a pub handy? - Why not?|Just round the corner from here. There's even music, a fiddle,|an accordion... You can leave your rifles|in the kitchen. - What is it? - Do you remember the arrangements|we made? Do you know...?|Understand? - Oh, of course! Is it a safe place? - Very, only tarts go there|and similar decent people! - Let's go! On Pankrac hill, right on the top of it, trees are planted. On Pankrac hill, right on the top of it, trees are planted. I had a girl friend, now someone else has got her! I had a girl friend, now someone else has got her! - Schweik, come here!|Where did they dress you up like this? - Schweik, you ought to have|a photo taken! - Christ, it's Schweik! - Good day to you, gentlemen! Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik!|A coffee, please. A coffee for everybody, please. Right.|Thank you. - Cheers! Your health! You know, after all,|we shouldn't drink to you health... - Tell us,|why are they going to string you up? - Perhaps he was born|on an unlucky planet. - But they won't hang somebody|for nothing! There has to be a reason for it! So that the... is reasonable! - It's not like that in war. You're supposed to fall at the front,|or be executed at home... What difference does it make? - Aren't you a little bit political? - Too much!|- Let's knock it on the head! - If you'd be smart boys,|buy us a drink! - Of course, ladies!|Why not? Waiter, come here!|Ferda, vermouth! ...by a little window sits a beautiful blonde. Sits a beautiful blonde. By a little window sits a beautiful blonde. Sits a beautiful blonde. Come closer soldier boy, you're not afraid of a girl?! I touched the handle, and I heard music. And I heard music. I touched the handle, And I heard music. And I heard music. My dear Kamila... - Madam,|that Vermouth is like water! Send us a bottle of something decent.|That gent's going to say for it all! - In a moment! In a moment! - I've a small farm|in Holovousy. There's lovely apples in my garden. When I get my Urlaub,|I'll bring you half a ton. - And what have you got in your pocket?|- That? That's a state secret! - Here you are, ladies and gents!|- The Devil's Liquor! - You're my sweetie-pie,|sweetie-pie. You're my,|You're my sweetie-pie. You're my, you're...|- Come outside with me! For a fiver, I'll give you|a nice injection, petrol, you know, and you're sure to be in hospital|for at least 3 months! - Don't be scared! That man's a medic.|Nobody II be the wiser and you'll be nice and safe|for a long time! - Hahaha. A medice...!|Hahaha. - Ouch! - Hip, hip, hip,|hip! Hip, hip, hip, hip! Hip, hip! - Come to me, those who have wine!|As I'm thirsty! - Come here,|my little muff! - Oh, well! So you're here, Schweik,|are you? - Beg to report, Sir.|A package! - I say, got a match?|- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't. - I say, why not?|Every soldier ought to have matches to light up with.|A soldier without matches is... What is he?|- Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless. - Obviously, very good.|He's without matches and can't give anybody a light. That's it. Do you drink liquor, Schweik? - No liquor for me, Sir,|only rum. - Just take a look at that big lout|over there! Come here! I borrowed him today|from Lieutenant Feldhuber. He's a...|He's a teetotaller! Aren't you ashamed of yourself,|you bloody fool? Do you know what you deserve?|A punch in the jaw...! So you're drunk! You're drunk while on duty and you'll be punished for it!|I'll have you arrested! Right now, I'm going to phone|for the MPs. Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing|at that switch - board? Let me have the K. And K.|Korpskommando immediately! What? What do you say?|I don't understand a single word! - Don't be a fool now! It was us escorting you, wasn't it? - Well, my dears,|as Napoleon used to say: "In war, the situation changes|from one moment to another..." - I could do with a drink! - I can't get through|to the barracks. So, go home, the two of you! Run away!|And remember, mustn't booze while on duty!|Out with you! - Sir! - Madam,|I'm sure it can't be Christmas already? I want some more Eau de Cologne! - Sir!|Here's some black coffee. - Listen... you...|- Schweik! - Schweik.|- Schweik, tell me, didn't I misbehave yesterday? - Beg to report, Sir,|everything went smoothly. Only when I was letting the ladies|out of the house, a gent, looking like a Turk|with a Fez on his head, came out of the door opposite ours|and tried to cause a disturbance. - And what was the result?|- I gave him a punch on the jaw and he calmed down.|- You shouldn't have done it! That was the Landlord...|- Well, now he knows that owning a house is no fun! It couldn't happen to us!|We don't own a house. - There you're right. All we own is... Schweik, all we own is... ...36 pennies. I wish I was employed|at the Quartermaster's Store, there I could at least pinch a barrel|of rum or some lard. But what shall we do? What about selling the sofa? - We wouldn't get much for that one.|- You think so? Let's keep it then!|It belongs to the Landlord anyway. I know what we'll do, Schweik.|I'll give you three addresses to go to and borrow money.|You'll go to Bruska street... ...to Captain Schnabel s and ask him to lend me a hundred crowns. He was lucky at cards two days ago|so what. And in case you're not successful there,|you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks and ask for Lieutenant Mahler. - The chaplain isn't at home!|- So he isn't in...? - I told you already,|that he isn't in! - So he went to the coffee - house...?|- You'd have to wait somewhere!|- So I'd have to wait? Well, all right, I'll wait. Till tomorrow morning,|if necessary. Fine thing, he's got money|for the coffee house, but no money to pay his debts with! A fine Chaplain, pfui! - Sir, I ask you not to spit here! - And I'll spit once more,|if I feel like it! Like this. Do you see? - If you're an educated man,|behave yourself and don't act like a vagabond! - So I don't behave decently? And what do I behave like, tell me!|Just you tell me, you... - A hooligan, that's what you are!|Spitting on the floor just like in a train.|I was wondering all the time, why there are notices everywhere,|about not spitting on the floor! Now I know, it's because of you, you must be a very well known person! - You dirty creature!|You... Let go of me!|I am an honourable citizen! Let go of me!|Let go of me! - Are you crazy? - Beg to report, Sir, that I took care|of everything, just like you told me to. Supper is served in the drawing room. I shall now go and fry some eggs. - On bacon, too! Who was it that lent us money?|- Beg to report, Sir, all of them. I only had to crawl on my knees|in front of Captain Schnabel. That one is a right bastard. But when I told him about your|paternity case... - Paternity case? - Of course, alimony, you know,|paying a girl so much every week. You told me to spin|any yarn I pleased, so... - And what did Captain Schnabel say? - There were about five gentlemen|present, and they all asked me what sort|of a girl it was, so I told them she was a very smart|little bit, not quite fifteen yet. Then they all wanted to have|her address. - You've made a nice mess of it,|I must say! - Don't you worry, Chaplain,|I gave them the address of a deaf lady down our street. I told you already that he isn't in! - Don't lie to me,|he's just returned! - He's returned all right,|but he isn't at home to anybody! - That's no concern of mine!|- He's preparing tomorrow's sermon! - Leave me alone, man!|Leave me alone! Chaplain, I have to protest! I'm not used to that sort of treatment!|- My batman is certainly not right! A guest in the house means God|in the house! - Beg to report, Sir, that bloke|is very difficult to dispose of, just like a certain Bouska from Liben. They once kicked him out of Exeter's|eighteen times and he always returned|saying that he'd left his pipe behind. - You're joking!|- He was that persevering, he could have become|a cabinet - minister. - I hope that I'm not here|to be made fun of! - Take a chair, please!|- Thank you. - We are having Hungarian salami,|sardines, salmon, and some fried eggs. Isn't it nice to have a rest|on borrowed money! - I insist that you listen|to what I have to say! - I hope I'm right in assuming|that you came to get money for the check I gave you? - Yes, Chaplain, and I hope,|that I won't have to leave without it! - What are you doing?|- Beg to report, Sir, that I already had some difficulties|with this gentleman. - Leave us, Schweik!|We have a private matter to discuss! - Beg to report, Sir,|I am leaving you! - Listen, Chaplain, if there was no wow.|I wouldn't press you. But I had a number of very sad|experiences! Take the case of Lieutenant Janota, who owed me 700 crowns|and got himself killed at Dryne. Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns,|taken prisoner by the Russians. Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek,|both imprisoned by the Serbians, each of them owing me 1500 crowns! You must understand my anxiety... - But, Mister I am not... - I know what you're going to say,|Chaplain! That a priest is in no direct danger... But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis|died a week ago at Brno! He failed to pay me 1800 crowns and went to supply extreme unction|to a chap, who had the plague|and who was no concern of his anyway! - That's his duty.|I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow. - And he's also going|into the plague hospital! - Tell me, Chaplain,|is this war only on to finish off all my debtors? - Schweik, I'm beginning|to get bored. Tell him in a gentle way: "The Chaplain in not going|to give you any money! - I'm not going to budge|till I get it! - If that's the case, Schweik, dispose of him in any way|that pleases you! - I'm not going, it's a shame,|you've tricked me! - Make no noise, you hoodlum! The Chaplain has to study!|- I know he's trying to figure out how to cheat honest people out|of their money! You cheeky lout!|You've ruined me! Wiener Blot... tralala... Wiener Blot... tralala...|...tralalala... - God, I'm grateful we've found|the place. I'd been driving him around|for two hours before I managed to squeeze an address|out of him. He's been sick all over my cab and now I can't get any money|out of him! - Chaplain...!|- Stop! I have to drive on! I'm changing at Nymburk!|- Help me! - Gentlemen, I'm not going to have|a steam - bath! - Of course not - come here! Give it to me!|No more booze! - Take those skates off! - Chaplain...! It's me, Schweik! We have to pay for the cab. - Do you believe in immortality? Tell me one thing!|Can a horse get into heaven? - Be quick about paying for the fare!|I've other parties to take care of! - Chaplain, he wants money! - Here, take the lot!|Ich kann bezahlen! A penny more or less doesn t matter|to me! - Hergott! - Wait!|We've got to search him. - Of course! All those, who are dead, report to the Korpskommando|within three days, to got a Christian burial! Lady don't tickle me! - That's not enough!|I took him round the town three times! - We've got no more.|- A fine business...! Pfui! - The fire won't burn! Somebody must be blowing on it! I want something, but I don't know what. I don't know what!|Don't you know what I want? But I couldn't care less,|and neither could you, Schweik! - Sit down! - Oh, I'm so alone,|in the world! People, Schweik,|I've got to tell you something. I've got a confession to make. I, a repentant sinner, confess|and admit. - Don't lie on the floor!|- I have to confess to you! - Chaplain...|will you lie down! - I have to... Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you! There was once a drummer living|in Budejovice, he got married and died within a year! Isn't in lovely? Madam,|what a sweet boy you've got! Look, what uncle has brought you!|Right. Look! Boodlicky!|Boodlicky, boodlicky, boodlicky, boodlicky... I want a Cognac!|Where is it? Come here! Come here!|Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! - Come on, lie down quietly, Come on!|Or I'll have to hit you one! - You're such a good boy.|I'll have to marry you off to my sister. - Hello!|Chaplain, do you hear me? - Is that you, Schweik?|What am I doing here? - It seems you're suffering|from a slight attack of the DTs. - Yesterday, I've lost all my money. Even you, Schweik. I've lost you at cards. I've thrown you into the clutches|of Lieutenant Lukas! - Well, that's not the end of the world! In a few days time,|we'll get money somehow... - Oh no, it's impossible!|Quite impossible, Schweik! You know, debts at cards... ...debts at cards are debts of honour. And I am an officer! Habacht!|Abtreten! Jesus Christ!|- When I was serving you for the first year. - Tralala|lalala... - Beg to report, Sir,|that I'm here. - Hm. Turn round! - Some more, Sir?|- Halt! Well, finally you lock almost|like a soldier! Did they even supply you with a coat?|- Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat. - I give you a fair warning,|I'm very strict! Tell me, do you know|what a batman is supposed to do? - A batman is an officer's servant,|boot - polish and pipe - cleaner. - If I say:|"Jump into the fire!", why, into the fire you've got to jump,|whether you like it or not. What are you staring at? - Beg to report, Sir,|that's a Harz canary. - Are you fond of animals? - It's dogs I fancy most, Sir. If you'd like me to...|- I am fond of dogs too - as companions. I used to have a stable dog once. - Stable dogs are the best, Sir. A stable dog is not to everybody's|liking, he's got such hard whiskers and looks like a released prisoner, but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful. - Hm.|Well, when you get the chance, bring me a dog. Hand me my sword now! And remember:|I love everything clean and tidy!|And I can't stand lies. I love honesty and I hate lies. Lies I punish without mercy,|is that understood? - Beg to report, Sir,|quite. There's nothing worse than a liar. - Oh, well. - And as far as honesty|is concerned, Sir, there's nothing nicer,|because with honesty you get places. Take for instance a walking contest. As soon as you start doing tricks|and running, you're disqualified. That happened to a cousin of mine. A honest man is respected everywhere, he's satisfied with himself|and he feels like a new - born babe, when he goes to bed and can say: "Well, I've been honest again today." - The Chaplain|recommended you to me as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined|to think that he wasn't far wrong. - Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged|from doing my regular service, for being feeble - minded.|There were two of us discharged for the same reason at the time - me and a captain von Kaunitz. - Hm.|Er... what did I want? Now, Schweik, comes the main thing! Sometimes, ladies come to see me.|One or the other may stay all night. In a case like that, you'll bring coffee|for two into the bedroom, but be sure not to enter till I ring! Do you hear me?|- Beg to report, Sir, I know what it means|to come at the wrong time. Once, I took a young woman home with me, and just as we were getting on fine|together, my charwomen brought me the coffee. She didn't half have a fright,|poured all the hot coffee down my back and said "Good morning" on top of it. - I'm on duty today.|I shan t be home till late. Tidy the place up a bit. The last orderly was not good at all and he's leaving today with a draft|for the front! And don't let anyone|into the apartment! - Oak leaf, don't fall into the river! Oak leaf, don't fall into the river! The water would carry you away and that would make me sad. Oak leaf. - Are you the Lieutenant's Batman? - That I am!|- Well, why don't you open up? Why do you leave me to kick my feet|outside? - I didn't...|...Hear the bell! I know. Don't lie to me!|You know very well that I rang the bell! Take those suitcases inside! - I can't do that without|the Lieutenant's permission! - Do as I told you|take those suitcases into the room! - Lady, the only order|I got was to get a stable dog. I know nothing whatever|about your suitcases! - So you won't|take my cases in? - As I've told you. Till I get an army order,|I don't know my own brother! Now, I'm going to lock up and of course|I can't leave a stranger in the apartment. So please...|- Ha ha! You must be crazy! I've come to visit... ...the Lieutenant.|- That's an old one! In our street, someone came to visit Belicsky, the confectioner, once in his absence, opened all the wardrobes and ran away|with the contents. - For the last time - take those cases in!|- Excuse me, Madam! I've been entrusted with the whole|apartment. I'm responsible for every single bit|of it. I'm really sorry|I've got to talk to you like this, but there's got to be some order|in the army. - Take this|to the Lieutenant! Here's a five crowns tip for you,|and I'll wait here! - No play, Madam.|Keep your five crowns. If you insist, you can come|to the barracks with me. I'll hand your letter over|to the Lieutenant and you can wait for the answer. Now, I'm going to lock up! - What's the matter? - Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter|for you. - The lady says that you are a beast!|What have you done to her? - Beg to report, Sir, nothing.|She wanted to move into your apartment, suitcases and all. - What? What's that?|- I prevented her from doing it. I know of a draper in Vojtesska,|who once took a lady to live with him, and then couldn't get rid of her, so he had to poison himself|with coal - gas, and her as well. - Where is she now?|- Waiting, outside the gate! My orders, Madam,|are to treat you politely and to do everything you might wish. And I've got a hundred crowns|to do it with. - Get a cab! It's a good fairy that sent me to you,|tralala, tralala... What do you say to that, Schweik? - As the Staff H. O. Would put it|in their reports: After a carefully prepared retreat,|we entrenched ourselves in positions prepared beforehand. - Schweik!|Where are you?! - Beg to report that I'm here. - Come in! - Inside, you mean?|- Of course. I want you to scrub my back! - Wouldn't you like to wait till the Lieutenant comes home? - No.|I want it done right now! And by you! - Everything all right, Schweik?|- Beg to report, Sir, that I've fulfilled all the lady's|wishes, as you instructed me. - Thank you very much, Schweik.|And did she want many things done? - About... six, Sir. And now she's sound asleep.|I did everything I saw she wanted, although she didn't actually|ask for it... - Thanks, I'm glad|I can rely on you in everything. - Beg to report, Sir,|that I'm waiting here. - I've asked you|to come, Schweik, because we have to talk in confidence. What's going on at home?|What is she doing? - She just broke that large bottle|of Eau de Cologne. The whole place smells...|Like a barber - shop! - What are we going to do? - Don't say I haven't warned you. I know of a follow who once...|- We must get rid of that woman! - It's high time, too, or we'll be as weak as puppies. - But how?|- The best thing, Sir, would be to dispatch her home,|and "Express registered"! I know of a similar case|that happened too at Vsenory last year. Let's send a wire to her husband. As a sort of "unknown friend". We'll put it like this:|"You wife's address is..." After all, it isn't your fault!|You didn't invite her to come... - Of course! - And, as you say, her husband, the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort|of fellow, so even if you get a punch|on the jaw... - Let's go|to the post office! - Where is she?|Here she is...! Katy!|- My husband. Lieutenant Lukas. - An "Unknown friend"|sent me the address by wire. - That's a mean thing|to do! - Don't you like cigarettes?|- Thanks. Pardon me.|- Take a seat, won't you? You must be tired.|- Yes, please, thank you. - Help yourself. You don't know how pleased|I am to be here to welcome you. You know, I live at the barracks,|and that's why I was able to offer Madam the hospitality|of my apartment. As an old acquaintance. - My Katy is a funny woman! She suddenly decided|to take a cute for her nerves. I was away travelling,|and upon my return I find the house empty and Katy gone. And what about you, Lieutenant? You'll be off to the front soon,|I suppose? - As soon as I've finished my job|of training volunteer officers. We need a lot of new officers, you know,|and it's very sad that most people prefer to remain plain privates|in the infantry. It looks like people lack interest|in the war. - You are wrong there.|It interestes me very much what s going on at the front! The hop business has been badly hit|by the war! But I only hope that it won't last long! - Our position is very good. The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians|are excellent pivotal centres for us. One strong blow on this line and we shan t stop till we get|to Moscow! THE CITY OF MOSCO W INN Pardon me, Miss,|can you tell me the way to Zizkov? - To Zizkov? You'll have to|turn back this way... - Back?|- Yes, and then cross the bridge. Go as far as the Powder Tower,|and there ask again. - Yes. Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague|either? - No, I'm from Vodnany. - From Vodnany?|So we're almost neighbours! I'm from Protivin.|- If you're from Protivin, you must know Pejchar|the butcher on the square? - Of course I know him,|he's a cousin of mine. - You don't say! Aren't you called Jaros?|- I am, Miss. - And which Jaros family do come from?|Those from Razice? - From Razice.|- Is your father still delivering beer? - He is.|- Well, he must be well over sixty now. - He was sixty-eight last spring. - Lux! Lux! Lux! - Three breweries,|where I used to deliver thousands of tons of hops every year,|were burned down in Belgium. Another brewery, at Lwow,|was also burned to cinders. If it goes on like this,|I shall be ruined! Katy, are your ready? All this is causing me|so much excitement! Those losses in business and then|domestic worries on top of it...! It wasn't the first time. Last year, she ran away with|an assistant professor, and as far as Zagreb, too.|Well, at that time I managed to sell 60 tons|of hops to the brewery at Zagreb. - What's going to happen|to my suitcases? - Of course, darling,|of course. Everything is ready.|I have a car waiting downstairs. - Lieutenant...|- Madam... - Why didn't you protect me? You permit him to drag me away|like a lifeless doll! - Right...|We have to say good - bye now! - As you wish. - My compliments,|Lieutenant. If you should get injured fighting,|come to our place for a rest - cure. - Come here! Beg to report, Sir,|I'm bringing you a thoroughbred... Come on!|...stable dog. He's got to get used to his new|surroundings. What's his name?|- Max. I'll get his pedigree tomorrow. - Put him into the kitchen|for the time being. - Come on! Come on, I tell you... come on! Don't look so cross, you silly ass! If you think it over, every soldier has been stolen|from his home, too... - Stop! Lieutenant, subordinates always salute|their superiors! This regulation has not been abolished!|And now, to the second point: Since when do Lieutenants take|stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me! - That dog, Colonel... ...Belongs to me!|That's my Lux! Did you read in the paper|that colonel Kraus von Zillergut lost|lost a thoroughbred pinscher? - I didn't.|- What? So you didn't read the add|your superior officer put in the paper? Nice goings on!|And at a time, when we are loosing hundreds of brave soldiers|at the front every day - you don't read the advertisements!|And that's supposed to be discipline? I could advertise 100...|...200... no, 300 years! - I can assure you,|Sir... - That it won't happen!|I'll take care of that! I'm sending you to Budejovice,|so form march battalions! Right.|For now you can walk about! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! ...there was heavy fighting... ...at Mezilaborka. Yes, that's how it goes...|Yes. It's here. - Schweik!|You stole the dog! - I didn't steal it. - But you knew it was stolen! - I knew. - Do you know|I feel like sending you before a military court. But they'd let you go all the same, because they've never seen anything|so stupid in their entire lives. Why did you bring me the beast? - To make you happy. - Jesus Christ! Do you know what a march battalion is? - March bat. March co is march company. We shorten it like that. - Get ready then! We'll soon be off|in our march battalions to the front. Are you happy? - Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent! When we fall together for the Emperor and his family. End of part one |
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