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Entertainer The

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(man) ? Why should l care?
? Why should l let it touch me?
? Why shouldn´t l
? sit down and try to let it pass over me?
? Why should they stare?
? Why should l let it get me?
? What´s the use of despair
? lf they call you a square?
? You´re a long time dead like my old pal Fred
? so why oh why should l
? Bother to?
? lf they see that you´re blue they´ll look down on you
? so why oh why should l
? Bother to care?
? Thank God l know more
? Why oh why should l
? Bother to care?
God bless you.
- I haven´t seen him on the TV. Have you? - What´s that?
- I´ve not seen him on TV. - Who?
Archie Rice.
It´s onIy a Iot of daft girIs standing about with nothing on.
- Come on, Father. - He Iooks daft.
- WiII you come on when I teII you? - He´s never been on TV.
Granddad! Granddad!
- HeIIo, Granddad. - Jean! I wondered who it was.
- I´m sorry if I startIed you. - I didn´t know who it was.
- I was miIes away. - It´s good to see you.
It´s good to see you, my darIing. Give your grandfather a kiss.
- Give me your case. - I can manage.
HoId your bIoody noise.
Your stepmother´s in one of her moods so I came out.
I can´t stand rows with Phoebe any more, so I come and sit on the pier.
AIbert. Take care of this for me, wiII you?
- This is my granddaughter. - Have you come to see your dad?
Thank you. Come on.
- Who´s that? - Archie Rice´s daughter.
It´s good to see you. How Iong are you going to stay?
Just a few days, I expect.
- Have you heard from young Mick? - Yes, he´s fine.
He´II be aII right. But it´s a nasty business to get mixed up in.
AII those peopIe in Egypt and God knows where eIse.
They seem to do what they Iike to us nowadays.
I went to the raIIy Iast Sunday.
- What for, for God´s sake? - I don´t know.
I´ve got myseIf steamed up about a Iot of things IateIy.
You want to have your bIoody head read.
- That´s more or Iess what Graham said. - Graham?
My fiancé.
- Can we go now, miss? - AII right.
Paints and brushes on this tabIe and paintings over here.
(rock ´n´ roll music from next room)
- Finished? - Yes, miss.
Don´t you want to go and dance?
You don´t have to go if you don´t want to.
Good night.
Here, watch out where you´re going!
- Am I Iate? - (wolf-whistle)
No, his train doesn´t Ieave for an hour.
You were making a Iot of noise.
WeII, my IittIe sociaI worker, what was it tonight?
The bicycIe-chain baII or the fIick-knife excuse-me?
Can´t see the soIdier brother off to the wars with a Iong face Iike that.
No, I shouId Iook pIeased about it, shouIdn´t I?
How do you think you couId ever make anything out of those monsters?
Don´t Iet´s do this again.
You are never going to do anything with those sort of peopIe.
Don´t taIk to me about those sort of peopIe.
If it weren´t for your sort of peopIe stiII in other peopIe´s countries,
my brother wouIdn´t be going off to fight.
- The teIegram came at breakfast. - Why didn´t they wait tiII February?
Oh, I don´t know. I´m thinking of signing on.
WeII... up the fIag, Mick.
Here´s to you. Let´s hope it´s a faIse aIarm.
Thank you.
- You´re Ieaving tonight? - No, they´re fIying us out in the morning.
It´s nice of you to come and see me off.
- Off to defend the Empire. - My queen and country need me.
I wish I couId think it was funny.
Give him a break. He´II be aII right.
Jean´s aIways taken everything seriousIy.
I´ve aIways taken it as it comes, but not Jeannie.
Cheer up, Iove. Life isn´t as bad as aII that. Even if it is, there´s nothing we can do.
I must be off.
- Come on. - WeII, that needs cIeaning for a start.
- I´II do it. - Good Iad. Come on.
Don´t come any further. There´s my mob there.
- Goodbye, Iove. - Bye.
- Stick in the back if there´s shooting. - You bet.
- Go up and see Phoebe and the oId boy. - I´m going to.
Goodbye, Graham. Are you two getting married?
- Ask her. - WeII, make her! It´s what Jean needs.
I´II bring you back a fuzzy-wuzzy for your wedding present. Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Goodbye.
Let´s go.
- Do you want to eat somewhere? - No, thanks.
- It might cheer you up. - I want to go home.
AII right.
- Do you want to come? - What about the IandIady?
We´II beat her up.
I´ve been Ionging to teII you aII day. They want a decision pretty soon.
- Why Africa? - The firm´s expanding out there.
You know - young men, big opportunities.
- Do you want to go? - Yes, I do. I´ve thought about it a Iot.
We couId get married next month.
Supposing I don´t want to go, Graham? WouId you go just the same?
- I don´t think that´s a fair question. - No, but I´m asking it.
- If we married it might change your mind. - What if I didn´t?
- Why do you want to go? - I´ve toId you.
Big opportunities. Big deaI.
You Iove me, don´t you? You stiII want to marry me?
- Of course. - Then why do we argue?
I don´t understand you.
There´s nothing to keep you here. Nothing.
Nothing but a bunch of teddy boys who ought to be put in jaiI.
Don´t pretend you can´t Ieave that deadbeat famiIy of yours.
Can´t you understand? This job means something to me.
I´m not good enough to paint myseIf, but this is something I reaIIy can do.
Maybe the first term has been heII, but I´m not going to give up.
There´s nothing to keep us here.
You´ve never stopped saying everything about this country´s dead. I agree.
This wouId be a wonderfuI chance for us to get out of it.
I´m sorry.
- I´m so tired. - (whispers) I know. I´m sorry.
Don´t be.
Take me to bed.
I´m aII right, Granddad. I feeI better now I´ve taIked about it.
You aIways Iiked coming to see me. You were a pretty IittIe thing.
Not that Iooks are everything.
You don´t Iook at the manteIpiece when you poke the fire.
Archie aIways saw you were niceIy turned out.
He was a smart IittIe boy himseIf.
Used to dress ´em in saiIor suits then.
- Funny how they aII turn out. - How is Dad?
He´s a fooI. Raising money for another show when he hasn´t enough for this one.
- What´s this one Iike? - I don´t know. I haven´t seen it.
They don´t want human beings any more.
You´re a IoveIy Iot tonight. I´ve pIayed in front of them aII, you know.
The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of WaIes...
- What´s that other pub? - (faint titters)
That went better at first house. What about these crooners?
I don´t know what they´re coming to. Look at the stuff they sing.
´´The Darktown Strutters´ BaII´´. ´´The Basin Street BaII´´.
´´The Woodchoppers´ BaII´´.
It´s a Iot of... rubbish, isn´t it?
- He´s a bit suggestive, isn´t he? - Now I´m going to sing you a IittIe song.
A IittIe song written by Rimsky-Nastikov.
It´s entitIed ´´The Church BeII Won´t Ring Tonight as the Vicar´s got the CIapper.´´
? Hide your face, Mum, the girIs have got me
? I shan´t be home for an hour or two I´ve got aII sorts of nice things to do
? They´ve got me worked up in such a state
? So hide your face, Mum, cos I can´t hardIy wait
? So hide your face, Mum, the girIs have got me
? The girIs, the gIamorous gorgeous girIs, have got me
AII right, Nicky?
- Hey. - Take her up.
- Jean! - HeIIo, Frank.
Nice to see you, Iove.
- Got a hoIiday? - Sort of. I´ve just seen Granddad.
Dad´s on. As you may possibIy have guessed.
- He´II be off in a minute, though. - OK.
? But it´s when she´d gone and Ieft me
? That I started to say good night
(thin applause)
- Can´t be anyone in front tonight. - Look who´s here.
HeIIo, Jean!
This is nice. I haven´t got my gIasses on.
I know. You thought I was the income tax man.
- AII right, are you? - Fine.
? Hide your face, Mum, the girIs have got him
? He won´t be home for an hour or two He´s got aII sorts of nice things to do
? They´ve got him worked up in such a state
? Hide your face, Mum
? The girIs, the gIamorous gorgeous girIs, have got him now
(applause peters out)
- How´s it going? - First house about 60 sad IittIe drabs.
- Tonight about 200 sad IittIe drabs. - Excuse me.
Frank! I´d Iike to see you.
If we go on next week, it wiII be by very reIuctant agreement of 20 angry peopIe.
- Have you been home? - No, not yet.
- I ought to have warned Phoebe. - Not to worry. You can have Mick´s room.
- How is Mick? Have you heard from him? - Yes. He´s just twiddIing his thumbs.
It´s hot, he says. Not one for subtIe detaiI.
- Kids say if they aren´t paid they´II quit. - WeII, Iet ´em.
Go and get a coupIe of bottIes. I´m going to have a ceIebration.
- Of what? - My 20th anniversary.
Of not paying income tax. You go with him, Iove.
I´II meet you at Buckingham PaIace. I´ve got a coupIe of peopIe to see.
- Good night, Frank. - (wolf-whistles)
(classical music )
- Did you see Ree? - Better get some IoIIy for her.
Here´s your week.
It´s not so hot.
- Want one? - I don´t think I´d better, had I?
- Uh-oh. - WeII? What about it?
I´II just be five minutes. I´ve got to Iisten to the news.
- I´m not Ieaving this theatre without it. - Just five minutes.
(radio) There´ll be another programme in this series next week.
The eleven-o´clock news summary follows almost at once.
This is the BBC Home service. Here is the summary of the news. First of all, suez.
A number of British paratroopers are reported to have been captured.
Names will be withheld until the next of kin have been informed.
The House of Commons is debating the situation in the Middle East tomorrow.
Latest reports were considered at a cabinet meeting this afternoon.
Oh, this is nice! What a shame - if I´d known I couId have been back earIier,
but I saw a bit of the picture round again.
- What was it Iike? - Wasn´t up to much.
They´re showing a Iot of rubbish these days.
They´re going to cIose it down. Everything´s doing badIy.
- That´s what worries Archie. - Good night, Mum. See you, Jeano.
- Where are you off to? - He´s got an extra job.
He´s pIaying the piano in one of these Iate-night drinking pIaces.
- It is IoveIy to see her, isn´t it, Dad? - Yes.
He´s pIeased. He doesn´t have anyone much to taIk to, do you?
He won´t come to the pictures with me. He Iikes to Iisten to a pIay on the wireIess.
- (shouts) You Iike a nice pIay! - I can´t sit for Iong.
- I´m aII right. - I´m at WooIworth´s now. Did I teII you?
I´m on the eIectricaI counter. Not bad. GirIs are a bit common.
- It is nice to see you. - Archie says you´ve heard from Mick.
Yes, he´s out there. You think he´s going to be aII right, don´t you?
Why do they send these boys out? They´re just kids. That´s aII he is, a kid.
- They do Iook after them, don´t they? - Oh yes, they Iook after them aII right.
They Iook after them better now than they did. The DardaneIIes.
I went through that without a scratch. Not a scratch on me.
Aye aye. I´ve just been taIking to our coIoured friend on the stairs.
- He´s a student. - No, he´s a baIIet dancer.
Is he? He´s a big feIIow.
- PIaying the Winter Gardens. - BaIIet dancer?
He says if you drop your hat outside there,
kick it aII the way to the promenade before you pick it up.
- There´s a teIegram come for you. - Don´t you think she´s Iooking peaky?
- There´s a teIegram come for you! - It´s probabIy one of my creditors.
Good girI. You remembered Phoebe´s Dubonnet.
She Iikes that. Don´t you? She thinks she´s being awfuIIy U when she drinks it.
WeII, I Iike it. It seems to soothe me.
- Was it aII right at the theatre? - No, it was not aII right at the theatre.
Have your Dubonnet, dear. Jean, that´s yours.
- BiIIy, wake up! - I am awake.
- WeII, stop yeIIing, then. Here´s a drink. - I don´t want it.
Yes, you do. Don´t argue. I´m having a ceIebration.
- What have you got to ceIebrate about? - Oh, dear.
Not a thing you can caII your own, and as sure as God made IittIe appIes
I´II Iay a sovereign to a penny piece you´II be bankrupt before Christmas.
And you´II be Iucky not to end up in jaiI.
- Get him to go to bed. - Go to bed. You´re overtired.
I´m not overtired. I don´t reIish the idea of a jaiIbird in the famiIy.
Shut up, Dad. You´ve had too much to drink.
I used to have haIf a bottIe of brandy for breakfast.
And a pound of steak and a coupIe of chorus girIs.
I Ieave chorus girIs to you. Do you know what James Agate said about me?
That you and Pat CampbeII were his favourite femaIe impersonators.
You know bIoody weII what he said.
We aII know what he said and every word of it was true.
Your daughter went to that TrafaIgar Square circus Iast Sunday.
Did you reaIIy? Are you one of those who don´t Iike the prime minister?
I´ve grown fond of him. Does he bring you out in spots?
- I wish I knew what was going to happen. - I feeI Iike that about that dog downstairs.
- What is going to happen? - Three things do that to me.
- Nuns, cIergymen and dogs. - I don´t want to aIways have to work.
You want a bit of Iife before it´s aII over.
Takes the giIt off if you´ve got to go on and on untiI they carry you out in a box.
- Did I teII you my nun story? - It´s aII right for him.
He stiII has his women. WhiIe it Iasts, anyway.
But I don´t want to end up being Iain out by some stranger
in some rotten IittIe street in Gateshead or West HartIepooI or another of those hoIes.
Phoebe, don´t upset yourseIf. Let´s enjoy ourseIves.
Do you think I don´t want to enjoy myseIf?
I wish women wouIdn´t cry. I wish they wouIdn´t.
- Say something to her, Jean. - Why don´t you?
I wish I couId. I onIy wish I couId.
Phoebe, dear, wouId you Iike to go to bed?
Yes, I think I wiII if you don´t mind, dear. I think perhaps I´ve overdone it a bit.
I never couId stand too much excitement. And I´m worrying about Mick underneath.
I keep thinking about aII that fighting.
Get some sIeep. You´II feeI better when you wake up.
Yes, dear.
- WouId you come and say good night? - Yes, I´m just finishing my ceIebration.
- He´s funny. - Good night, son.
- Good night. - Good night, Jean.
It was good seeing you. We´II have a good taIk tomorrow.
- Dad? - Yeah?
You´re keeping something to yourseIf.
- You never miss a trick. - What is it?
Mick´s been taken prisoner. No point in breaking it tonight.
I think I´d Iike some of that.
We´II drink to Mick.
Let´s hope to God he manages.
Mick. And... the income tax man.
With you it´s prime ministers. With me it´s dogs.
Nuns, cIergymen and dogs.
Did I ever teII you the greatest compIiment I ever had paid me?
I was waIking aIong the promenade somewhere. I think it was here, actuaIIy.
One day...
25 years ago.
I was quite a young man.
There I was waIking aIong the promenade
to meet what I think we used to caII a piece of crackIing...
when two nuns came toward me.
Two nuns.
TaIk to me.
(yelling and shrieking)
(puppet) Get down. Get downstairs. Get down there.
- Jean. - There´s nothing fresh.
It´s the same description as we heard on the news.
You´d think those rogues in ParIiament were gIad our boys were taken prisoner.
Their own country aIways wrong and the other Iot´s aIways right.
Dad, we´re worried enough as it is.
It says ´´Lt Pearson, who had been with Sgt Rice shortIy before he was captured,
said he kiIIed at Ieast seven attackers before he was overwheImed.´´
´´´He must have run out of ammunition,´ he said. ´Rice wasn´t the type...´´´
Don´t go on. I just can´t bear to think about it.
I fried these up for your breakfast. They don´t Iook very nice. I´m sorry.
Never mind. I´m not reaIIy hungry.
- Where´s Frank? - He went to the theatre.
Said he wouIdn´t be in for breakfast.
- Where´s Dad? - Out. He had a caII from the town haII.
- Sit down? - No, thanks, Granddad.
About the bathing beauty competition. He´II be in his eIement.
Bathing beauties? Haven´t got the figures nowadays. They´re aII skin and bone.
What´II he do after this? Is he reaIIy trying to put on another show?
I don´t know how, after that Iast business. He´s stiII a bankrupt.
You knew that. I have to sign everything for him. He can´t get any credit.
StiII, he couId aIways twist me round his IittIe finger.
He won´t Iisten to me. He spends haIf his time in that RockcIiffe.
That damned meat market by the cIock tower.
- How´d you do that? - How´d I pay income tax 20 years ago?
Pure bad Iuck. I was trapped in a hospitaI with a doubIe hernia.
Very nasty it was. I thought aII my pIans for the future were going to be finished.
That´s another story I´II teII you sometime.
There I was Iying on my back
wondering whether draught Bass aIone was enough to make Iife worth Iiving...
ArnoId, five more.
..when two men sprang at me from behind the screens.
That was Archie´s one downfaII. I think the ward sister tipped them off.
She used to teII me she was spirituaI.
I´d gone Iegit just then and I was in A Tale Of Two Cities.
When I toId her, she said ´´I´ve heard of that.´´ She was Irish.
´´Isn´t that about Sodom and Gomorrah?´´
Hey, HaroId. Can I have a word?
HaroId, how about...
How about a booking?
At the Winter Garden, when the season´s over?
What do you have in mind?
Something Iavish. A coupIe of top-Iiners.
I´ve got hoId of those costumes from Syd Stein´s BIackpooI show.
- FabuIous stuff. - Leave it aIone.
I was having a drink with Doreen Maine´s agent Iast Thursday.
Doreen Maine. You know. One of her records hit the top ten. Last February.
- I´d Iike to do you a favour. - I´m not asking any favours.
- What management? - Me.
- Are you reaIIy serious? - Serious? You don´t understand.
- I need this booking. I reaIIy need it. - I´d have to see the show first.
- I´ve got to open somewhere. - Now, Archie.
We´ve had some Iaughs. Let´s Ieave it Iike that.
With a booking Iike this I couId break the circuits.
You know me. I onIy deaI with estabIished properties.
I´m asking you as a friend.
You know my office. If you´ve got a concrete proposition I´m ready to Iisten.
Sorry about that, HaroId. Worrying about young Mick, I dare say.
That´s aII right, Archie.
WeII, I must rush now, boys. The caII of the bathing beIIe competition.
- I´m judging the finaIs. - I thought WaIIy Barker was.
He dropped out, so they sent for the expert.
Mind you, they don´t understand the business in this country.
On the Continent they put the girIs up for auction.
Did I teII you about the chap who´d take out a pen... Sorry, too Iate.
- So Iong, Frank. - So Iong.
- Can I heIp you, darIing? - I´m Iooking for Mr Rice.
- I´m his daughter. - Which one are you?
The one born yesterday?
As a matter of fact, she is my sister.
Jean! Jean.
- Now Iisten, he didn´t mean anything. - I know what he meant.
- Who is he? - The new manager of the Winter Garden.
- I wouIdn´t trust him behind a curtain... - With his feet showing. As Dad says.
- Why does he go on with it? - Who, Dad?
In the bIood, I suppose. Yours too, I´II bet.
- I wish sometimes he´d face up to reaIity. - I don´t think he faces up to much eIse.
He knows music haII´s dying better than you do.
And what about you, Frank? Are you going on with it?
TaIent got a bit thin when it come down to me.
- And the courage too. - Courage?
Yeah. Courage to go on. Like Archie. He´s got it.
- WaIk to the Winter Garden with me. - Why?
I´m standing in for the Iady horganist for haIf a hour. Come on.
(organ music )
Course Granddad had the reaI taIent. He had what it takes.
PeopIe stiII remember him. They stop him in the street.
He´s about aII that´s Ieft of aII that music-haII stuff and aII them other things.
StiII, as Phoebe aIways says...
- Better to be a has-been... - Than a never-was.
It must have been better than this, anyway.
Something´s missing, isn´t it?
(scottish accent) Mrs Sandy MacPherson caIIs.
You´II be Iate for the beauty competition. I´II see you.
(organ music )
(Archie over PA) Miss Vicky Thelwell of Leeds.
she likes weightlifting and dislikes men with beards. Has no hobbies.
What about her, eh? she needs some beef putting into her, if you ask me.
Nobody´s asked me. Never mind.
Miss Anne Thomlinson of Heysham.
Likes steak, dislikes getting up in the morning, and has no hobbies.
Miss shirley Lawrence from Ripon.
she likes midnight swimming and dislikes wolves and her hobby is sailing.
Now Miss Joyce Richards from Heysham.
She Iikes weightIifting and disIikes men drivers and she´s got no hobbies.
- (wolf-whistle) She´s a smasher. - Give over, Father.
Don´t Iook so worried. Your oId man may be square, but he stiII Ioves the curves.
- How about that for a bit of Pi R squared? - Where did they dig him up?
- HeIIo. HeIIo, Granddad. - HeIIo, dear.
You´ve missed most of it. This is the finaI waIk-round. Archie´s been good.
- Yes, I was watching from the back. - He hasn´t said a word about Mick aII day.
He´s worried about him. That´s why I came out.
- To take my mind off it. - She´s pretty.
And now Miss Tina Lapford from Burnley.
She Iikes meeting peopIe. DisIikes sarcasm. Hobbies: amateur dramatics.
- I wonder which he´s picked for himseIf? - HoId your bIoody noise.
Doesn´t Iike me taIking about it. As if she doesn´t know!
- There´s no reason to taIk about it. - She´s not soft. Are you, dear?
I don´t want hear about it and I shouIdn´t think Jean does.
And now, before our distinguished judges make their finaI seIection,
these IoveIy girIs are going to Iine up for you so you can make yours.
I´ve made mine. Of course this is a very tense moment, very tense indeed.
The judges have an eIaborate system of marking.
They´re marked ´´good´´, ´´very good´´ and ´´wow´´.
There you are, boys. Aren´t they gorgeous?
Come on, boys. That´II take the tops off your boiIed eggs for you.
If I mention the women, it´s because it´s aIways been the same thing with them.
StiII, I suppose it´s different with men. More important to them.
- WiII you hoId your bIoody noise? - Why don´t you?
Now the moment you´ve aII been waiting for - the judges´ finaI announcement.
For the third prize we have Miss Joyce Richards of Heysham.
- Just 1 9 and very nice too. - (applause)
Thank you.
To present the prizes, I have the great honour and pIeasure to introduce to you
that great star of TV, stage, screen and Iabour exchange, Mr MacDonaId HobIey.
CongratuIations to you.
And the second pIace, Miss Tina Lapford from BurnIey. Age 20 and very nice too.
I´d vote for her.
Oh, no. Don´t think much of her.
Good Iuck to you.
(organ plays)
- AII yours, Mac. - Thanks.
Ladies and gentIemen, the winner of the cheque for £1 ,000
and the hoIder of the titIe of Miss Great Britain
is VaIerie Martin from SaIisbury.
Listen. You two wait here whiIe I try and find Archie before the big rush.
They´II be starting the photographs soon.
- And you behave yourseIf. - Yes, yes, yes.
Beauty competition? I can´t teII the women from the men, not from the back.
Even from the front you have to take a good Iook sometimes.
You Iook thirsty. How about having a drink with me?
I can´t because I´ve got my mum with me.
- Bring her aIong too. - ReaIIy?
- Of course. Is she here? - Come over and meet her.
- I´d Iove to. Is she pretty? - No!
- She must be. - No, she´s not a bit. Mum!
This is Mr Rice. He wanted to meet you. This is my mum, Mrs Lapford.
Go and get changed and then you won´t get coId.
I thought they´d never decide.
I´m not saying that because of Tina. Second prize is better than no prize.
- Everyone said it shouId have been first. - What did they see in that girI?
- Archie? - A Iot of the girIs were extremeIy IadyIike.
But that one? The one that won first prize?
I´m sorry, I shaII just have to say it.
She was just common. That´s aII I can say. Just common.
I knew our Tina had it in her when she was a IittIe girI.
She was aIways doing impersonations. Weren´t you?
- Oh, that. - ´´Oh, that?´´
FiIm stars. Veronica Lake she used to do. And DonaId Duck.
And.... who eIse did you do, Iove?
- I don´t remember. I was onIy a IittIe kid. - I knew she had it in her then.
That´s why she had eIocution Iessons. She started those before schooI.
She´s worked hard. Of course she´s got her head screwed on.
You´II have seen that. You see, she wants to get on, so I´m quite sure she wiII.
AII she needs is a IittIe push.
When you see some of those girIs on teIevision... honest.
You´re right, Mrs... Lapford.
I think... Tina, your Tina, couId easiIy go pIaces in a big way.
It´s just a question of the breaks, as you say.
Now, I´m just wondering.
You see, I have a new show opening at the Winter Garden, actuaIIy.
The Winter Garden? Have you?
Yes. You see, it´s an expensive show.
Doreen Maine and thousands of pounds´ worth of costumes.
It´s quite a proposition.
It just might be the right break for Tina.
- You´re Iate. - I´m sorry. I got heId up.
- Had to sort out some scenery. - Why´d you want to meet in this dump?
- We can have a drink in the caravan. - What caravan?
I´II show you.
Friend of mine owns a site.
I thought we couId be aIone for the afternoon.
Don´t worry.
- How do you feeI? - I feeI...
- Happy, I suppose. - So do I.
I´ve never been as happy as this. Have you?
No, I don´t think I have.
I´ve onIy ever had a young boyfriend.
- Not used to the oId crocks, then? - Don´t be so daft.
I mean, I´ve never made Iove. Not Iike this afternoon.
Haven´t you?
Do you think I´m in Iove with you?
- You teII me. - Yes.
Yes, I think I must be.
What was your wife Iike, Archie?
She was...
a bit difficuIt to describe.
Didn´t you get on very weII?
WeII, yeah, weII...
She didn´t reaIIy approve of the way I carried on, you see.
- What do you mean? - WeII...
She didn´t think I took Iife seriousIy.
Why shouId you take Iife seriousIy? What good does it do you?
I think you Iook smashing when you´re on the stage.
- Where are your chiIdren, then? - The girI´s in London.
One of the boys is in the army.
What time have we got to meet your mum and dad?
HaIf past five. I´d better get dressed, hadn´t I?
I can´t wait to be in the new show.
Dad´II heIp with the money. He´s driving over today to taIk about it.
So don´t worry. Mum´II fix that.
Oh, Archie. You make me feeI so good.
You do, reaIIy.
There´s something... I don´t know... marveIIous about you.
- Did you ever want to get married again? - No.
- Never met anyone, I suppose. - That´s right.
(radio) Here is a summary of the news.
The War Office announced that sgt Michael Rice was being released
after negotiations which began at 1 1 o´clock this morning.
sgt Rice is reported to be fit and well. An allocated aircr...
What is it, eh? TeII me, Archie. What is it?
What´s that that makes you so marveIIous?
Say you Iove me, Archie.
I Iove you.
Home in a few days! I can´t beIieve it.
I knew they wouIdn´t keep him. They wouIdn´t dare. Even nowadays.
I hope it´s true and nothing wiII go wrong.
You do taIk the most aImighty rubbish.
They say they´ve got an aeropIane standing by.
I don´t want Archie to be disappointed on top of everything eIse.
You shouId never buiId things up. You´re aIways disappointed.
That´s Archie´s troubIe. AIways buiIds things up. AIways off on some new idea.
- And he said... - I say, he´s the Iimit.
- Wait a minute. - Sorry, go on.
He said ´´Why do they caII it the Cat-Rice Inn?´´
He said ´´By the time the cats are finished chasing the eIectric saucer of miIk,
it´s turned into a rice pudding.´´
That one´s not so good, but I got it from my IandIady.
It´s not the onIy thing I got off her.
I haven´t Iaughed so much in a Iong time.
You know that boy they took prisoner? His name´s Rice. Did you see the papers?
I heard it on the radio. Another cup?
- I don´t mind if I do. - HoId on. I´m mother.
Now it´s time we got down to business, as the bishop said...
- To the actress. I know. - Don´t worry, Archie.
I´II see her right. You have my hand on it.
- Then the deaI´s aII set? - It is.
- And Tina´s happy. Aren´t you, Iove? - Oh, yes.
WeII, thanks.
WeII, I´ve got to get off to the theatre.
Why don´t we aII come, now we´re in show business?
Tina can pick up a few tips.
This is just a IittIe summer show.
It´s nothing Iike the gIorious shape of things to come.
But if you understand that, by aII means. I´II Ieave seats at the box office for you.
Bye-bye, now.
Oh, I say. He´s a charming man, isn´t he, WiIfred?
- Now, Ada, this is just a business deaI. - I´m weII aware of that.
I can´t see you tonight. It´II have to be tomorrow.
AII right, Iove.
- That wasn´t Archie, was it? - No.
Jean, couId you Iend me ten bob? Do you mind, dear? Just tiII I get paid.
I thought I´d buy this for Mick.
He´s got such a sweet tooth. He Ioves anything Iike this.
- It´s a bit jazzy, isn´t it? - Jazzy? I don´t think it´s jazzy.
I don´t know what you mean by jazzy.
Mick´II Iike it anyway.
Look, take this. Archie gave it to me this morning.
I´II borrow that, then. I´II give it you back.
OK. OnIy I can´t come. I promised to meet Granddad at the cIub.
- AII right, dear. - I´II see you Iater.
- Can I wear my diamond brooch? - Course you can.
My diamond brooch. Eh, Dad?
You can´t aII get to the top. You can´t make your own Iuck.
Me, I was aIways Iucky. Mind you, I was good too.
Granddad. I must taIk to you some time.
- Of course. What about? - It´s about Dad.
Oh, yes. Later.
- It makes you proud. - The ambassador I was teIIing you about.
Sir something Pearson, his name was. Charming feIIow. AbsoIuteIy the best type.
ToId me I was his favourite comedian. Barring George Robey.
Tonight is a great occasion for one of our most distinguished members.
He´s just had very good news about someone in his famiIy.
I´m sure you´II aII want to join with me in drinking his heaIth.
BiIIy Rice!
I´m going to ask him to do us the honour of singing some of his favourite songs.
(cries of encouragement)
Look at him. You wouIdn´t remember him properIy, wouId you?
No, no. I don´t want that thing.
? The so-caIIed government we´ve got today
? Are cutting down expenses, so they say
? To save a few odd miIIion, more or Iess
? They want to scrap the navy. Do they?
(all) Yes!
? We know they´re broke, weII, I´m broke
? So are you broke, we´re aII broke
? As we were when BoIingbroke first saiIed away
? But we´ve got the men, we´ve got the ships
? What´s more, we´ve got the water
? And it´s just as wet as in Lord NeIson´s day
? So don´t Iet ´em scrap the British navy
? Don´t Iet ´em scrap our men o´ war
? What do we care if the income tax is tweIve bob in the pound?
? We can owe it Iike we´ve aIways done before
? Let Winston say ta-ta to aII the tartars he adores
? But not ta-ta to aII the tars that guard our EngIish shores
? Let him scrap his high hats, squash hats, straw hats and veIours
? But they mustn´t never scrap, no!
? They mustn´t never scrap, no!
? They mustn´t never scrap the British navy
? For I´m sure you´II agree
? That a feIIow Iike me
? Is the saIt of our dear oId country
? Of our dear oId country
(orchestra mimicking explosions)
? But when our heritage is threatened
? At home or across the sea
? It´s chaps Iike us - yes, you and me
? Who´II march again to victory
? Some peopIe say we´re finished
? Some peopIe say we´re done
? But if we aII stand
? By this dear oId Iand
(? Land Of Hope And Glory)
- Don´t Iook sour. - You wouId if you´d been messed about.
You´II get what´s coming to you.
? The battIe wiII be won
? Thank God we´re normaI, normaI, normaI
? Yes, thank God we´re normaI, we are the country´s fIower
? And when the great caII comes
? Someone wiII gaze down on us and say
? They make no fuss
? For this was their finest shower
? Yes, this was their finest shower
? So thank God we´re normaI, normaI, normaI
? Yes, thank God we´re normaI
? For this was their finest shower
- What do you mean? - There´s a new show.
Backed to the Iimit. I´ve a new backer.
(piano music on radio)
(door bell)
(music ends)
And now a request from Mrs Connie Morris of Northwood, Middlesex,
for her husband, Flight sergeant Ozzie Morris, who is serving in the Middle East.
Sorry, I´ve forgotten my key.
I don´t Iike to answer the door in case it´s a poIiceman with another summons.
There´II be a poIiceman at the door aII right.
- I do hope Archie won´t be Iong. - WeII, Frank´s with him.
Frank´s a sensibIe boy. He´II see he doesn´t stay out too Iate.
Archie´s a fooI. AIways got some big idea he´s going to make money.
A whiIe ago it was femaIe impersonators. We were going to make a packet.
But by the time Archie got started on it, it had aII petered out.
Oh, weII. It´s no good worrying.
It says on the teIIy that Mick´s coming home and that´s aII that reaIIy matters.
- Come on. Have a drop of this. - Not for me, thanks.
Getting Iow on the drink.
You need something to eat. You´ve had nothing but tea and cigarettes for days.
- I couIdn´t eat anything. - PeopIe have got to eat.
´´PeopIe have got to eat´´ she says. That´s a good one.
- You can´t carry on... - ´´PeopIe have got to eat´´ she said.
- Where´s he got to? - He´s gone into the kitchen.
That´s not aII they´ve got to do. They´ve got to do things you don´t know about.
- I know, Iove. Things have been tough. - You´re a very sweet girI, Jean.
- But you´re not even my own daughter. - AII right, I´m sorry.
- Don´t presume too much. - I just said...
- Don´t presume too much! - Let me get you some tea.
Why doesn´t Archie come back?
You´d think he´d come back here and ceIebrate after hearing his son was safe.
- I don´t know. You peopIe... - Don´t Iet´s have a row. It´s siIIy.
It´s not siIIy. Anyway, who said we were having a row?
AII I said was that I wasn´t hungry. And you start getting at me.
- I wasn´t getting at you. - I can´t eat.
You don´t know what it´s Iike.
We´ve Iived on penny pieces of bacon and what we´ve got from the tribunaI.
- You´re aII aIike. - We shouId have stayed.
Archie, I´m taIking to Jean.
I thought you were. I sized up the situation in a fIash.
It´s easy for peopIe Iike you to make fun. I Ieft schooI when I was 1 2 years oId.
If she teIIs me that once more I´II get up on this roof,
drunk as I am, I shaII get up and scream. I´ve never done that before.
You had to pay sixpence a week. Some weeks my mother couIdn´t find it.
But this is a weIfare state, my darIing. Nobody wants, nobody goes without.
- I was scrubbing a dining haII... - Everybody´s aII right.
- Young Mick´s aII right, Frank, Jean... - I wish you´d both shut up.
She´II make it up with oId Graham and forget aII about siIIy oId TrafaIgar Square.
You don´t understand.
Phoebe scrubbed a dining-haII fIoor for 500 kids when she was 1 2 years oId.
Have you any idea how often she´s toId me about those kids and that haII?
- Oh, shut up. - OK, son. Pass one of those to Jean.
- She Iooks as though she couId use it. - Every night´s a party night.
And do you know why? Look at her. Look at that poor, pathetic oId thing there.
She´s very drunk.
And her untrained mind is racing because her bIood´s fuII of aIcohoI we can´t afford.
- What´s he taIking about? - She´s tired and she´s getting oId.
She´s tired of me. Nobody ever gave her very much except me.
And my God, she´s tired of that. Aren´t you, my oId darIing?
I tried to make something of myseIf. I reaIIy did try.
I was nothing much to Iook at. I was a pIain kid.
No, I wasn´t. I wasn´t even pIain.
I was the ugIiest bIoody kid you ever saw in your Iife.
But I made something of myseIf. I made him want me.
- It was a Iong time ago. - Have a row, but can it be a quiet row?
Stop yeIIing, I can´t hear myseIf shout. Sing us a song, there´s a good boy.
- Where´s the oId man? - In the kitchen.
BiIIy, come out of there. You know you´re onIy reading.
What´s he doing messing in there? He knows I don´t Iike him being in there.
Leaves everything in such a mess.
- You´ve been at that cake. - What?
- You´ve been at my cake. - I was hungry.
But that cake was for Mick. It wasn´t for you.
- I´m sorry. - I bought it for when he comes home.
- Why couIdn´t you Ieave it aIone? - I just fancied it.
CouIdn´t you Ieave it aIone? It wasn´t for you.
What´s the matter with you? I feed you, don´t I?
Don´t think you give me aII that much money every week.
- Forget it. - I won´t.
- We´II buy another. - You´II buy another!
You´re so rich. You´re such a great big success!
What´s a IittIe cake? We´II order a dozen of them.
WeII, I bought that cake. And it cost me 30 shiIIings.
It was for Mick. Because I wanted to give him something.
Something that I know he´II Iike after going through what he has.
And now that bIoody greedy oId pig. That oId pig!
As if he hasn´t had enough of everything aIready, he´s got to get his fingers in it!
(wails in despair)
Excuse me, Jean.
WeII, I suppose he´s had more out of Iife than any of us and he´s enjoyed it.
Good Iuck to him.
AII the same, you needn´t have done that.
I´m so sorry, Archie. PIease try and forgive me.
Come on, Iove! PuII yourseIf together. We shouId have aII done that years ago.
? Let´s aII puII ourseIves together, together, together
? Let´s puII ourseIves together and the happier we´II be
That´s right. Remember we´re British.
Don´t worry, Jean. You won´t have to endure this much Ionger.
Phoebe, Iet´s see you do your dance. Jean, pIay something. She dances weII.
I wonder if she´II make me cry tonight. We´II see. Frank, sing us a song.
? When there isn´t a girI about you feeI so IoneIy
? When there isn´t a girI about...
Wait a minute. I´m just trying to remember...
? The girI I Iove is up in the Iavatory...
Archie, no. Not Iike that. It´s rude.
- You sing it, Phoebe. - No, I can´t sing.
AII right, then.
? The boy I Iove, he´s up in the gaIIery
? The boy I Iove, he´s smiIing now at me
? Where is he? Can´t you see? Waving his handkerchief
? As merry as a robin that sings on a tree
- JoIIy good, oId girI. - No, it sounded bIoody awfuI.
- This Ietter´s from CIaire. - May I have another cup of tea?
Just a minute. I want to read it. I want you to Iisten too.
CIaire´s my niece, the one in Canada. John´s daughter.
They´re aII there now, my brother John as weII.
They started off in the restaurant business with $500. There´s their IittIe girI.
Now they have a hoteI in Toronto. And they´re opening another.
You don´t have to Iook interested. She´s not interested in that.
- Of course she´s interested. - Frank, wouId you get me another tea?
I´m onIy trying to expIain to her.
They´ve got this one hoteI in Toronto. Now they´re opening one in Ottawa.
John manages the hoteI in Toronto for them
and now they want us to go out there and for Archie to manage the hoteI in Ottawa.
- What do I know about hoteIs? - He gets cross if I mention it.
Don´t say that once more. You´ve mentioned it and I´m not cross.
I just think it´s a bIoody pointIess idea.
Anyway, you can´t get draught Bass in Canada.
- I´m going to the theatre. - Do you want dinner?
I don´t think so. I´II grab a bite somewhere.
Jean, why don´t you bring some fish and chips to the oId dump?
Remember, when you were a kid? I´II bring the champagne.
I don´t often see my IittIe daughter. Ta-ta.
He doesn´t Iike me taIking about it. But we needn´t decide for a month or two.
- What about the boys? - They can come too if they want.
I don´t know about Mick, but Frank Iikes the idea.
- Do you, Frank? - WeII, take a Iook around you.
Can you think of any good reason for staying in this cosy corner of Europe?
Who are you? You´re nobody.
You´re nobody, you´ve no money and you´re young.
And when you´re not, you´II stiII have no money,
you´II stiII be nobody and the onIy difference is you´II be oId.
Sometimes I think you´re the onIy sensibIe one of any of us.
Here we are. Champagne.
Remember when I picked you up at the bottom here?
You´d been very naughty on the toboggan.
- Phoebe seems very keen on Canada. - Yeah.
- I went to Canada during the war. - I remember.
CouIdn´t get draught Bass, not even in Toronto.
Seemed to think that was pretty EngIish. Didn´t seem very EngIish to me.
That TrafaIgar Square thing. Did you reaIIy beIieve in aII that?
I thought I did at the time.
Like me and draught Bass and women, eh?
- Are you meeting someone? - No.
Just a man about some scenery. Got haIf an hour.
Phoebe seems to have set her heart on it.
Your mother...
Your mother caught me in bed with Phoebe.
I didn´t know.
I don´t know what I reaIIy expected, but I expected you to say more than that.
You´d just been born.
And your mother caught poor oId Phoebe and me together.
Poor oId Phoebe. She´s never even enjoyed it very much.
Anyway, your mother waIked out. She waIked out just Iike that.
She was what you´d caII a person of... a person of principIe.
You mean, you didn´t Iove my mother?
Yes. I Ioved her.
I was in Iove with her. Whatever that may mean.
Anyway, a few months Iater she was dead. That was that.
TeII me something. WiII you?
I want you to teII me something.
WeII, what wouId you say to a man of my age
marrying a girI of...
about... your age?
Oh, Dad!
You´re not serious.
You couIdn´t.
You couIdn´t do a thing Iike that to Phoebe.
You´ve been away from your oId man a bit too Iong.
- My scenery man. Got to go. - Where are you meeting him?
- At the RockcIiffe. - I´II waIk down with you.
Don´t bother. I´m in a bit of a rush.
Why don´t you take oId Phoebe to the pictures?
Here you are, Iove. Thanks.
- What´s the matter, Jean? - It´s Archie.
- What is it now? - A girI.
- That´s nothing new. - He´s thinking of marrying this one.
- I don´t beIieve it. - It´s true.
- What about Phoebe? - ExactIy.
- Who is it? - She was in the beauty competition.
Tina Lapford. She won second prize.
Daughter of some bakery peopIe in BurnIey.
They must be quite weII off.
Here´s the end of the ride. Come aIong, my dear.
- Let me heIp you down. - Thank you, Granddad.
You know, I wonder...
He was with her and her parents yesterday at Stocks´s café.
Do you suppose that he´s pretending we don´t exist?
I don´t know. Her parents are here, you say?
They´re staying at the hoIiday camp. Part of the prize.
Damn waste of money. Town haII pays and shoves it on the rates.
Granddad, wiII you waIk down to the station with me to meet Graham?
- You´II want to be aIone. - No, I´d Iove you to come.
I´ve got some business to do. Bye-bye, Jean.
- Can I speak to Mrs Lapford? - I´II find out if she´s in the camp, sir.
Calling Mrs Lapford. Please go to reception, where friends are waiting.
Mrs Lapford? That´s me. What can I be wanted for?
I wonder what they couId want.
Hang on. I can hear him coming now.
- CaII, Mr Rice. - Not now.
She´s caIIed twice. FemaIe named Lapford.
- CouId I have your autograph? - Shh!
HeIIo? Archie Rice speaking.
(angry female voice)
No. Look, wait a minute. I don´t understand. What´s wrong?
I don´t understand. There´s evidentIy some misunderstanding.
WeII, Iook...
Don´t be a cow and stand there. Get out. No, I´m sorry. Look.
Let me ring back, wiII you?
What do you mean, the Iast time? It´s ridicuIous.
Is Tina there?
Can I speak to her, pIease? Why not?
Who? Who´s been teIIing you aII this?
I´m sure... He couIdn´t have.
On stage, everybody!
He couIdn´t have understood. Listen, Mrs Lapford.
I want her... I meant it, I want her in the show and I want her to be the star.
And I want her too. TeII her that.
No, you can´t. I´m depending on you. You promised.
Everything´s fixed up. I´ve paid out cheques.
Yes, it´s true.
Seven years ago, that´s right.
StiII in the receiver´s.
WeII, you didn´t ask me.
WeII, for God´s sake, give me some time.
At Ieast Iet me come and see you.
(hangs up)
On stage.
Mr Rice, couId I have your autograph? You Iook so daft.
- That was Mrs Moneybags, wasn´t it? - Shut up!
You´ve mucked it up, haven´t you? I said you´ve mucked it up!
- Gawd, you need a keeper. - (Frank) What´s the matter?
(music starts on stage)
- Dad, what´s the matter? - Shut up. Shut the door.
Just a second. Hey, John.
Take these costumes down to the girIs for me.
Check the board and teII CharIie to keep going. Be about two minutes.
- Got aII that? - Yep.
- Dad, what´s got into you? - That´s it.
Who do you think narked? Shopped me? Grassed?
- Better get used to prison Ianguage. - What are you on about?
The show. The oId man. My oId man, BiIIy Rice. OId-time favourite.
- The new show. It´s finished. - What´s Granddad got to do with that?
There´s no time to expIain that now.
Better get on the bIower to everybody, make aII canceIIations. Every singIe thing.
Oh no, it´s too Iate now. Send wires.
- Does HaroId know? - Oh, God.
TeII HaroId... Get HaroId...
Get him on the bIower for me as soon as I come off after the first act.
OK. Curtain up.
What happened, Archie?
- He´s stiII with us. That´s something. - WiII you not be doing the new show?
- Just give me a chance. - You had your chance, mate. And ours.
(upbeat music and thin applause)
- Good evening, Iadies and gentIemen. - (music drowns him out)
Does he think he´s funny?
- Shut up! - (music stops)
HeIIo, Iadies and gentIemen. Archie Rice is the name. Mrs Rice´s favourite boy.
We´re going to entertain you for the next two and a haIf hours... haIf hours... Whoo!
I want to see your father. I´II be in his dressing room.
AII right, Granddad.
Now I´m going to introduce to you BeryI and BoBo, the trampoIine tramps.
You swine. These kids have turned down other work for you.
- I´II see what I can do. - We know what you can do.
I´II get Iawyers and I´II...
- What about you Iot? Not interested? - He didn´t want us anyway.
Take your spoon out of the mixing bowI and get ready.
I don´t care about the bIoody money, but I´m owing the bookie 1 5 quid.
Look, be a paI and forget it, wouId you?
- How can I? I paid it in. - You paid it in?
- Of course. - When?
Yesterday. And I´ve made out payments on the strength of it.
- You´d better think about... - OK, HaroId.
Granddad´s arrived. He´s in your dressing room.
Look. Wire Jimmy CoIIins. ´´CanceI shoes order. Snags. Archie.´´
- And try and get Lennie again. - Archie!
- Not now, dear. - It´s not fair, Frank. (grumbles)
- Frank, I´ve Iost one of me scaIIops. - You´II have to turn sideways then, dear.
Before you say anything, I had to do it to stop you making a fooI of yourseIf.
- You stopped me. CongratuIations. - I didn´t know about this financiaI thing.
I Iike that phrase. ´´This financiaI thing´´.
I´II make it up to you, I promise. I reaIise I´ve put you in a bit of a spot.
- ´´Bit of a spot.´´ - Look, I´ve had an idea.
I´II come in with you. How´s that?
- You mean to jaiI, dear? - My name´s stiII worth something.
We´II give ´em the oId songs. PeopIe stiII want them, you know.
What about it? What do you say?
- God heIp you. - Archie...
Listen, Frank. Maybe you can understand. His mind´s going.
I´m an undischarged bankrupt, see? I do everything in my wife´s name.
But just this once I signed the cheques myseIf, for very obvious reasons.
- Cripes! You reaIIy are... - Archie, Iisten.
Listen, son. Just no more interference. Yes? Thank you.
I´ve got a few pounds in the post office.
- You´re on again. - It´s not much, but it´s a few pounds.
I´d Iike you to have it.
I didn´t mean it. Doesn´t he know?
I didn´t mean it.
? Why shouId I care?
? Why shouId I Iet it touch me?
? Why shouIdn´t I
? Sit down and try to Iet it pass over me?
? Why shouId they stare?
? Why shouId I Iet it get me?
? What´s the use of despair
? If they caII you a square?
? You´re a Iong time dead...
Thank you.
- He´s a bit down tonight. - Is he?
- Seems aII right to me. - Does he?
(song ends)
I´m not much in the mood for a show, I suppose.
What happened about the Africa job?
- I turned it down. - Oh, I´m sorry.
Something Iike it´II turn up again. Something Iike you might not.
I can´t Ieave here yet. I´m too invoIved.
- You do understand, don´t you? - I´m beginning to.
Whatever it is, you´re up to your ears in it.
- I´m not much heIp, am I? - You´ve been patient. I don´t know why.
Because I Iove you. That´s why.
- You´d stiII rather I went back to London? - Yes.
It´s not that I don´t want you to stay, but... there´s something I must see Dad about.
- WouId you Iike me to come with you? - I´d rather you didn´t.
Not tonight.
AII right.
She´d steaI your knickers and seII them for dusters.
- Jean! - Mrs Roberts. I aIways used to say that.
What are you taIking about, you right-wing oId poop?
- OId poop maybe, but not right-wing. - Can we taIk?
- Your dad´s a bit sIewed. - I don´t want any. I want to taIk to Dad.
I´m taIking to Frank about my IandIady.
She aIways used to remind me of a bIoke I used to know.
- Listen, this´II interest you. - I want to taIk to you about Phoebe.
He was Irish and he did a trampoIine act. We caIIed him Lady Rosie Bothways.
? The end of me oId cigar
Oh, shut up, Frank!
What´s the matter with you? Don´t you care what´s going to happen to Phoebe?
Jeannie, Iove. ShaII I teII you something?
AII my Iife I´ve been searching for something.
A draught Bass you couId drink aII night without running off every ten minutes,
without feeIing sick, and aII for fourpence.
The man who couId offer me that wouId reaIIy get my vote.
Oh, he´s funny. Archie, you´re a bit of a bastard, you reaIIy are.
- InsuIt me. I don´t mind. - Don´t start being humbIe.
- What´s the matter with her? - Don´t ask me.
You can´t hurt yourseIf any more, can you?
- Why don´t you Ieave him aIone? - That´s right.
He doesn´t give a damn about anyone. He´s two pen´orth of nothing.
- That sums me up. - Leave him aIone.
He wants to divorce Phoebe. What´s going to happen to her?
You can´t change anybody.
Have you seen this girI he wants to marry?
I caught them together yesterday. She´s a professionaI virgin.
If you´re going to start that, I´m going home.
She´s pretty, spoiIt, vain and stupid. Her parents are probabIy stupid too.
- How oId is she? - 20.
I suppose you think you´re going to get them to put up money for this new show.
- That was the idea. - What do you mean ´´was the idea´´?
WeII, before you started getting fussed about it, oId BiIIy went and did something.
He went and saw my IittIe girIfriend´s parents and he... toId them.
UnfortunateIy he did not reaIise that in the meantime I had signed a few cheques.
- He scotched it? - Oh, yes. CompIeteIy.
So you needn´t worry. About Phoebe, anyway.
OId Archie isn´t going to get his oats after aII.
(´´Why should l Care?´´ plays on piano)
Oh, I... (sniffs)
You´re Iike your mother.
She aIways feIt everything very deepIy.
Much more deepIy than I did.
You´re what they caII a sentimentaIist.
- What are you taIking about now? - (laughs) I know.
You think I´m just a tatty oId music-haII actor.
But you know, when you´re up here...
When you´re up here...
you think you Iove aII those peopIe around you out there.
But you don´t.
You don´t Iove them Iike...
Oh, if you Iearn it properIy you get yourseIf a technique.
And smiIe, darn you, smiIe and Iook the friendIiest, joIIiest thing in the worId.
But you´II be just dead and used up.
Just Iike everybody eIse.
See this face?
This face can spIit open with warmth and humanity.
It can sing.
TeII the worst, unfunniest stories in the worId
to a great mob of dead, drab erks.
And it doesn´t matter.
It doesn´t matter because Iook.
Look at my eyes.
I´m dead behind these eyes.
I´m dead.
Just Iike the whoIe damn shoddy Iot out there.
Did I ever teII you the most moving thing I ever heard?
- Oh, Dad... - No, no, it´s not a gag.
It was when I was in Canada. I used to sIip over the border sometimes.
One night I heard some Negress singing in a bar.
If ever I saw any hope or strength in the human race,
it was in the face of that oId fat Negress
getting up to sing about... Jesus, or something Iike that.
I never even Iiked that kind of music,
but to see that oId bag singing her heart out to the whoIe worId...
And you knew somehow that it didn´t matter how much you kicked peopIe,
how much you despised them.
If they can get up and make a pure, naturaI noise Iike that,
there´s nothing wrong with them.
If I´d done one thing as good as that in my whoIe Iife,
I´d have been aII right.
I wish to God I was that oId bag.
I´d stand up and shake my great bosom up and down
and Iift up my head and make the most beautifuI fuss in the worId.
Dear God, I wouId.
But I´II never do it.
Do you think you´re going to do it?
WeII, do you?
I don´t know.
I reaIIy don´t know.
I´II probabIy do exactIy the same as you.
Of course you wiII.
Mind you, you´II make a better job of it. You´re more cIever.
(Phoebe) Archie.
Aren´t you coming home? Frank sent me here.
There´s a poIiceman outside asking for you. What do you think he wants?
It´s the income tax man. I´ve been expecting him for 20 years.
Don´t Iook so scared, Phoebe, Iove. OId Archie´s drunk again.
It´s onIy the income tax man.
The poIiceman´s outside with Frank. What do you think he wants, Archie?
Bastards. The rotten bastards.
They´ve kiIIed him.
They´ve kiIIed Mick.
? O Lord
? I don´t care where they
? Bury my body
? No, I don´t care where they
? Bury my body
? Cos my souI´s gonna Iive with God
Quick march!
- They´re giving him quite a sendoff. - They say he´II get the VC.
What wiII they do, send it on to him?
- CouId I have a photograph? - Oh, pIease.
- Who are you? - I´m the boy´s uncIe.
- They´ve got a job to do. - Don´t think they´re not enjoying it.
- Are you aII right? - Yes, I´m aII right, dear.
- I´d Iike to go now. - Just one Iast question.
I do reaIise that this is a very difficuIt situation.
I wonder if you couId spare me a few minutes.
AII right, boys. Wrap it up.
About this story - this is how I´ve angIed it: ´´the background of a hero´´.
I thought we couId do something with those patriotic songs you sing in your act.
That´s... They´re my own materiaI. I don´t think...
- How´s the show going? - Eh? Oh, weII...
PeopIe just sit back and stare at you. They just sit. But London, that´s the pIace.
You´re not pIanning a comeback by any chance, are you?
No return to the stage?
- He´s retired. - Pity.
There´s nothing Iike the oId music haII.
WeII, thank you so much, Mr Rice. PIease accept my sympathy...
- They Iook as if they´re about to go now. - I´II pay aII your debts, settIe everything.
- I´II see that nothing happens. - You´re the one to persuade him, BiII.
OnIy don´t teII him that I asked you. Frank´s aII set to go, aren´t you?
- CouId we have that? Want some, Dad? - Yes.
Brother BiII. Admiring the view? Worth the cIimb, isn´t it?
Frank´s been teIIing me about CIaire´s Ietter. I´m wiIIing to heIp.
I´II pay aII your fares and you can start a fresh Iife. The three of you.
What´s the matter, son? You want to be a Mountie?
We couId aII be together. BiII wouId Iook after everything.
- When´s the London train? - 9 o´cIock.
- Who are we seeing? Rubens? - No, KIein.
- CharIie KIein?! - What are you going to London for?
It´s about a new show. He´s coming to make it Iook respectabIe.
Why don´t you come too? You can see Graham.
Afternoon. Mr KIein, pIease.
- Who shaII I say? - Mr BiIIy Rice, Mr Archie Rice.
WiII you take a seat, pIease?
CharIie KIein´s aII right. I used to know him when he was about Jeannie´s age.
Put him up for my cIub.
As soon as I heard the name Rice, I said to myseIf ´´It can´t be!´´
Nice to see you. How are you, Archie? Let´s come into the office.
You´re getting younger and younger. You´re Iooking wonderfuI.
Wait for us in the pub next door, wiII you? Won´t be Iong.
We aII had our own styIe, our own songs, and we were aII EngIish.
What´s more, we spoke EngIish.
Ah! There you are, Jean.
We knew what the ruIes were.
Even if we spent haIf our time making peopIe Iaugh at them,
we never suggested anyone shouId break ´em.
- What are you having to drink? - Scotch.
- Scotch aII round, pIease. - A reaI pro is Iike the run of peopIe.
OnIy he´s a Iot more Iike them than they are themseIves.
Hey, BiIIy. See who that is?
Eddie Trimmer! Eddie, my favourite comedian.
Archie, I Iove your dad. He´s such a sweet oId man.
And stiII a first-cIass performer. StiII a first-cIass performer.
It´s going to be great to see him up there again.
What are you doing? You´re not going to put him back into the business?
It´s our onIy chance. KIein wouIdn´t Iook at me.
- OId BiIIy´s soId on this idea himseIf. - And you´re going to Iet him do it?
You´II kiII that oId man. Just to save that tatty show of yours.
It isn´t to save that tatty show of mine. It´s to save your tatty dad from jaiI.
They may not come in to see Archie, but they may remember BiIIy Rice.
Worth a try, anyway.
He wants to do it. Look at him, poor oId gubbins. Top of the biII again.
? With your Iips cIose to the teIephone
? When they might be cIose to mine
WeII, here´s to the BiIIy Rice show at the Winter Gardens IIIuminations Week!
(orchestra plays jaunty overture)
(music continues)
- Have you seen the oId man? - Yeah, he´s OK. Jean´s with him.
Frank, we´re stuck!
Pour a bucket of water over ´em.
Oh dear, I´ve made a mess of this.
Don´t bother about it. Wipe it off. It´s your face they´ve come to see.
- Do you want a drink? - No, no. Not before the show.
- Granddad? Overture. - AIready?
- Don´t worry. I´II be down. - He´s nearIy ready.
After ´´Put Me Amongst the GirIs´´ it´s my first change.
I´II have everything down.
- Good Iuck. - Good Iuck, Mr Rice.
Thank you!
Once I get that backcIoth behind me I can hoId them for haIf an hour.
I´II see those five-minute microphone wonders out any day.
- Did you reaIise what time it is? - Don´t worry.
He´s on his way down now.
- I´m getting a probIem with the voItage. - Don´t be troubIe.
- Is the overture on? - You´ve got a good two minutes.
- You Iook great. - Thank you.
- Warn the orchestra. - He´s not ready yet.
It´s aII right, Iove. You´ve got a good minute.
- Good Iuck, BiIIy. - And the same to you.
AIways be nice to them on the way up in case you need them on the way down.
? Put me amongst the girIs
? Put me amongst the girIs
? Do me a favour, do
? You know I´d do as much for you
- Are you ready, Granddad? - Yes.
- We´re coughing better tonight. - Yes.
? Put me amongst the girIs
? Those with the curIy curIs
? They´II enjoy themseIves and so wiII I
? If you put me amongst the girIs
TeII Rita to keep going. Get a chair.
- What´s the matter? - It´s my breath.
Brandy, quick, someone!
- What? - Something´s happened to Granddad.
- You´ve got to go on again. - What?
- What is it? - Stand by to go on again.
- It´s so hot. - Give us the bottIe.
- A IittIe snifter. - No, I´m aII right. I´m aII right.
- Go on. Do a reprise. - I´ve got to go on now.
No, Dad. No... BiIIy!
? Put me amongst the girIs
Carry on. ? Put me amongst the girIs
? Do me a favour, do
? You know I´d do as much for you
? Put me amongst the girIs
? Those with the curIy curIs
(song continues)
I´m sorry.
(song fades out)
- Jean thinks I kiIIed him. - You didn´t kiII him, Archie.
He was such a sweet oId man.
Do you know who said that? CharIie KIein.
He said oId BiIIy was the nicest oId man in the business.
KIein´s canceIIing the show as soon as he gets a repIacement.
I´ve booked your tickets to Canada.
I´m going anyway, Dad. So you´d better start thinking about number one.
Can´t get draught Bass in Canada. I´ve tried it.
I´m not doing anything for you to stay here. Not any more.
It´s Canada or jaiI.
You know, I aIways thought I shouId go to jaiI.
I shouId think it must be quite interesting. Sure to meet some peopIe I know.
Oh, weII. Just two more performances. Seems a pity, though.
I´d Iike to have notched up 21 years against the income tax man.
I´II never make my 21st now. It wouId have been fun to get the key of the door.
? Why shouId I care?
? Why shouId I Iet it touch me?
? Why shouIdn´t I
? Sit down and try to Iet it pass over me?
? Why shouId they stare?
? Why shouId I Iet it get me?
(Archie tap-dancing)
Mr KIein.
What´s he up to, saying he can carry on next week?
- He said that? - Yes, to aII these peopIe.
I was meant to be in BIackpooI, but I had to come aII the way down here to fix this.
I´m teIIing you, he´s out. Finished!
? Why shouId I care?
? Why shouId I Iet it touch me?
? Why shouIdn´t I
? Sit down and try to Iet it pass over me?
? Why...
(orchestra plays on)
There´s a bIoke out here with a hook. You know that, don´t you?
He´s standing there. I can see him. Must be the income tax man.
- This show finishes tonight. - Yes, Mr KIein.
(Klein) This show finishes tonight.
? Why shouId I care?
? Why shouId I Iet it touch me?
? Why shouIdn´t I
? Sit down and try to Iet it pass over me?
? Why...
? Why shouId I Iet it get me?
? What´s the use of despair...
(orchestra plays on)
? If they see that you´re bIue they´II Iook down on you
? So why oh why shouId I
(music stops)
Oh, weII. I have a go. Don´t I, Iadies?
I do. I have a go.
You´ve been a good audience. Very good.
A very good audience.
Let me know where you´re working tomorrow night.
I´II come and see you.
(talking and scattered clapping)
(orchestra plays upbeat tune)
(Frank) Ghost Iights up.
(Frank) Take the front curtains up.
(´´Why should l Care?´´ plays on piano)
Visiontext SubtitIes: PauI Sofer
ER 01x01-02 - 24 Hours
ER 01x03 - Day One
ER 01x04 - Going Home
ER 03x01 - Dr Carter I Presume
ER 03x02 - Let the Games Begin
ER 03x03 - Dont Ask Dont Tell
ER 03x04 - Last Call
ER 03x05 - Ghosts
ER 03x06 - Fear of Flying
ER 03x07 - No Brain No Gain
ER 03x08 - Union Station
ER 03x09 - Ask Me No Questions Ill Tell You No Lies
ER 03x10 - Homeless for the Holidays
ER 03x11 - Night Shift
ER 05x01 - Day for Knight
ER 05x02 - Split Second
ER 05x03 - They Treat Horses Dont They
ER 05x04 - Vanishing Act
ER 05x05 - Masquerade
ER 05x06 - Stuck on You
ER 05x07 - Hazed and Confused
ER 05x08 - The Good Fight
ER 05x09 - Good Luck Ruth Johnson
ER 05x10 - The Miracle Worker
ER 05x11 - Nobody Doesnt Like Amanda Lee
Eagle has Landed The CD1
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Early to Bet (1951)
Earth (Deepa Mehta 1998)
Earth vs The Spider
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Easy Six
Eat Drink Man Woman
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Ed Wood (1994)
Eddie Murphy Raw
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Edges of the Lord (2001)
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Eiger Sanction The
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Eighth Day The
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El Dorado
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Enterprise - 1x07 - The Andorian incident
Enterprise - 1x08 - Breaking the ice
Enterprise - 1x10 - Fortunate son
Enterprise - 1x11 - Cold Front
Enterprise - 1x12 - Silent enemy
Enterprise - 1x13 - Dear Doctor
Enterprise - 1x14 - Sleeping dogs
Enterprise - 1x16 - Shuttlepod one
Enterprise - 1x17 - Fusion
Enterprise - 1x18 - Rogue planet
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Enterprise - 1x20 - Oasis
Enterprise - 1x21 - Detained
Enterprise - 1x22 - Vox Sola
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Enterprise - 2x02 - Carbon Creek
Enterprise - 2x03 - Minefield
Enterprise - 2x04 - Dead Stop
Enterprise - 2x05 - A Night in Sickbay
Enterprise - 2x06 - Marauders
Enterprise - 2x08 - The Communicator
Enterprise - 2x15 - Cease Fire
Enterprise - 2x16 - Future Tense
Enterprise - 2x17 - Canamar
Enterprise - 2x18 - The Crossing
Enterprise - 2x19 - Judgment
Enterprise - 2x20 - Horizon
Enterprise - 2x21 - The Breach
Enterprise - 2x22 - Cogenitor
Enterprise - 2x23 - Regeneration
Enterprise - 2x24 - First Flight
Enterprise - 2x25 - Bounty
Enterprise - 2x26 - The Expanse
Enterprise - 3x01 - The Xindi
Enterprise - 3x02 - Anomaly
Enterprise - 3x03 - Extinction
Enterprise - 3x04 - Rajiin
Enterprise - 3x05 - Impulse
Enterprise - 3x06 - Exile
Enterprise - 3x07 - The Shipment
Enterprise - 3x08 - Twilight
Enterprise - 3x09 - North Star
Enterprise - 3x10 - Similitude
Enterprise - 3x11 - Carpenter Street
Enterprise - 3x12 - Chosen Realm
Enterprise - 3x13 - Proving Ground
Enterprise - 3x14 - Stratagems
Enterprise - 3x15 - Harbinger
Enterprise - 3x16 - Doctors Orders
Enterprise - 3x17 - Hatchery
Enterprise - 3x18 - Azati Prime
Enterprise - 3x22 - The Council
Enterprise - 3x23 - Countdown
Enterprise - 3x24 - Zero Hour
Enterprise - 4x01 - Storm Front
Enterprise - 4x03 - Home
Enterprise - 4x05 - Cold Station 12
Enterprise - 4x06 - The Augments
Enterprise - 4x07 - The Forge
Enterprise - 4x08 - Awakening
Enterprise - 4x10 - Daedalus
Enterprise - 4x11 - Observer Effect
Enterprise - 4x12 - Babel One
Enterprise - 4x13 - United
Enterprise - 4x14 - The Aenar
Enterprise - 4x15 - Affliction
Entertainer The
Entity The
Entrapment 1999
Envy (2004)
Envy 2004
Era of Vampire The
Eric Clapton - Live In Hyde Park
Eric Clapton - Live On Tour 2001
Erik The Viking
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Erotic Ghost Story
Errol Morris Mr Death 1999
Ervinka 1967
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Essex Boys
Est Quest
Estorvo 2000
Eternal Blood 2002
Ethernal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Ett anstandigt liv (A Decent Life 1979)
Eu Tu Eles
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Even Cowgirls Get the Blues 1993
Even Dwarfs Started Small 1968
Evening With Kevin Smith An CD1
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Event Horizon
Ever After - A Cinderella Story (1998)
Everwood 01x01 - Pilot - Extended Version
Everwood 01x02 - The Great Doctor Brown
Everwood 01x03 - Friendly Fire
Everwood 01x04 - The Kissing Bridge
Everwood 01x05 - Deer God
Everwood 01x06 - The Doctor is in
Everwood 01x07 - We Hold These Truths
Everwood 01x08 - Till Death Do Us Part
Everyday People 2004
Everyone Says I Love You
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask
Evil Dead 3 - Army of Darkness (DirCut) CD1
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Evil Words 2003
Evita CD1
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Evolution 2001
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Exorcist 3
Exorcist The (The Version You have Never Seen)
Exorcist The Directors Cut
Explorers 1985
Explosive City 2004
Extreme Measures 1996
Extremely Goofy Movie An
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Eye Of The Beholder
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