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Friends - 3x03 - The One With the Jam

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Ripped with SubRip 1.17 and Verified by CdinT|
I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it! :D
Joe, that's why your parents|told you not to jump on the bed!
The One With the Jam
English Subtitles by|GELULA & CO., INC.
Hey, look at me!|I'm making jam!
- I've been at it since 4 a.m.|- Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.?
Down at the docks.|You know, you can get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
Is it broken?
No, but I gotta wear this|for a couple weeks.
You tell the doctor you did it|jumping on your bed?
No. I had a whole story|worked out, but then...
...Chandler sold me out.
I didn't think the doctor would buy|that it "fell out of the socket".
What is this? Fruit?
Monica's making jam.
Jam? I love jam! How come|we never have jam at our place?
Because the kids need new shoes.
I'm going into business. I'm sick of|being depressed about Richard.
I needed a plan.|A plan to get over my man.
What's the opposite of man? Jam!
Joey, don't! It's way too hot!
This'll just be my batch.
That's it.
Hey, you, J. Crew guy...
Why are you following me?
All week, everywhere I look,|there's you.
You wouldn't return my calls.|You sent back my letters.
One more chance, Ursula. Please.
This is awkward.
Yeah, because you want Ursula,|and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.
That's great.|I'm stalking the wrong woman.
I am such a dingus!
Oh, you're not a dingus.
I just want you to know|I wasn't always like this.
Before I met your sister, I was a|normal guy who sold cellular phones.
Look, it's not your fault.
I mean, this is just|what she does to guys, okay?
Well, thanks.
Wait. I got a little story.
Once, in junior high school,|I thought I was a witch.
And a guidance counselor told me|something that might help you.
He said, "Okay, you're not a witch.|You're just an average student."
- See what I'm saying?|- Not really.
Well, get over it.
You seem like a really nice guy.
Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
You're right. I know you're right.|And thanks for being so nice.
Thanks a lot.
Want to get some coffee?
You don't have to|walk behind me anymore.
"Gone for more jars. Be back later.|Monica Geller."
Wait a minute. Look!
It's an empty apartment.
We're all alone|in an empty apartment.
I have to be at work|in 10 minutes.
All right. It's not like|I'm employee of the year or anything.
There it is!
Oh, that's what you mean.
Do I look fat?
I accept that.
When Janice asked me and I said no,|she thought I was calling her a cow.
Walk us through it, honey.|Walk us through it.
Janice said, "Hi. Do I look fat|today?" And I looked at her...
You looked at her?
You never look.
You just answer. It's like a reflex.|"Do I look fat?" "No."
"Is she prettier than I am?"|"No."
"Does size matter?"
And it works both ways.
So you both just|know this stuff?
After 30 or 40 fights,|you kind of catch on.
Okay. For instance:
Janice is coming back from a trip.|She gives you two options.
Option one: She'll take a cab|home from the airport.
Option two: You can meet her|at baggage claim. What do you do?
Easy. Baggage claim.
Wrong! Now you're single.
It's actually secret|option number three.
You meet her at the gate. That way|she knows you love her.
Okay, this is good.
All right, I have one.|Janice likes to cuddle... night,|which I'm all for.
But when you want to go to sleep,|you want some space.
So how do I tell her that without... know, accidentally|calling her fat or something?
Sorry, honey. We can't help you|there, because we're cuddly sleepers.
I'm late for work.
- Are you guys coming down?|- Yeah. I'm right behind you.
Good luck, Chandler.
The sleeping thing.
Very tricky business,|but solvable.
I thought you were "cuddly sleepers".
No, not cuddly.|Not me. Just her.
I'm like you.|I need the room.
Okay, come here.
Okay. You're in bed.
I'll use the cushion.
Okay. You're in bed.|She's over on your side, cuddling.
Now, you wait for her to drift off...
...and then you hug her...
...and roll her over|to her side of the bed.
And then you...
...roll away.
Hug for her.
Roll for you.
The old "hug and roll".
One question. You're pretending|the pillow's a girl, right?
Remember when you were a kid, your|mom would send you to the movies...
...with a jar of jam|and a little spoon?
You're so pretty.
You know that guy who's been|following me? I talked to him today.
You talked to him?|Are you crazy?
First, I'm not crazy.|And second, say it, don't spray it.
Anyway, his name is Malcolm,|and he wasn't following me.
I mean, he was,|but he thought I was Ursula.
That's why he couldn't just|come up and talk to me.
Because of the restraining order.
Not feeling better about Malcolm.
No, no, he's not a kook.
He's just this very passionate,|incredibly romantic guy...
...that just got|a teensy bit carried away.
We get along really well,|and he's so cute.
Oh, my God! You've got a crush|on your sister's stalker.
I'm going to help him get|"de-Ursula-ized".
Like I did for Joey|after he went out with her.
I didn't stalk her.
I asked for the news,|not the weather.
Joey, this is for you.|It's blackberry currant.
Joe, I got to ask.
The girl from the xero x place,|buck naked...
...or a big tub of jam?
Put your hands together.
Take your time with that.|It's my last batch.
No more jam?
What happened to|your jam plan?
I figured out I'd need to charge|$ 17 a jar just to break even.
So I've got a new plan now.|Babies.
Well, you'll need|much bigger jars.
- What are you talking about?|- About me having a baby.
- Are you serious?|- Yeah.
The jam plan helped me|take control of my life.
So I thought, "What is|the most important thing to me?"
And that's when I came up|with the baby plan.
Aren't you forgetting something?
What is that guy's name?|Dad!
It took me 28 years to find a man|I wanted to spend my life with.
If I have to wait another 28 years,|I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.
And that's just stupid.
That's what's stupid?
I don't need an actual man.|Just a few of his best swimmers.
And there are places|you can go to get that... stuff.
Down to the docks again?
Night-night, Bing-a-ling.
{y:i}Look at all the room on her side!
{y:i}A giant penguin|{y:i}could fit over there.
{y:i}That'd be weird, though.
{y:i}Hug and roll time.
{y:i}I'm hugging. I'm hugging.
{y:i}You're rolling, and...
{y:i}Yes! Freedom!
{y:i}Except for this arm!
{y:i}I'm stuck. Stuck arm.
{y:i}Time for the old tablecloth trick.|{y:i}One fluid motion.
{y:i}Quick like a cat.
{y:i}And one, two...
{y:i}... three!
Here's my binoculars.
Oh, great.|You're doing great.
Going strong. Keep going.
These are my night-vision goggles.
This is the book I pretend to read|when I'm watching her in the park.
And these are "Madlibs".|They're just for fun.
This is the log I kept,|recording her every movement.
Want to hear some of it?
Not even a little bit.
It's about you.
Okay then.
"I met Phoebe today."
"She was really nice to me|even though I'm such a loser."
"And when I was walking home,|I thought about her a lot."
"It was weird, but kind of cool."
So what were you thinking?
I was thinking what it'd be|like to kiss you.
- Really?|- No.
That's just something I said now|so that maybe I could kiss you.
Oh, okay.
No, it's all right.|I just had a jar of mustard.
Okay. Sperm donor number 03815,|come on down!
Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds.
He describes himself|as a male Gina Davis.
You mean there's|more than one of us?
You can't do this, Mon.|If you do this, I'll...
- You'll what?|- I'll tell Mom.
I'm sorry, but he's right.|I love you, but you're crazy.
Why? Why is this crazy?
- So this isn't the ideal way...|- Oh, it's not...
Lips moving. Still talking.
It may not be ideal, but...
...I'm so ready.
I see the way|Ben looks at you.
It makes me ache, you know?
Check it out! Jam crackers!
Okay. All right, how's this?
Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy.
He's an actor.
Born in Queens.
Wow! Big family.|Seven sisters...
...and he's the only... boy.
Oh, my God! Under personal comments:|"New York Knicks rule."
Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Joey, this is you!
Let me see.
Oh, right!
You went to a sperm bank?
Right after I did that|sex study at NYU.
Remember that sweater I gave you?
That's how you bought it?
No. That's what I was wearing|when I donated.
I'm surprised there's any|of my boys left.
It is pretty competitive. There's|an actual rocket scientist here.
Maybe I should have them put my|"Days of our Lives" gig on here.
Juice this up a little.
How's the maniac?
He's yummy.|We did a little kissing.
Phoebe, what are you doing?
No, no. He's not into that anymore.|He quit for me.
This guy has been obsessed with|your sister for God knows how long.
You don't just give that up.
He gave me his night-vision|goggles and everything.
You're taking the word of a guy|who has night-vision goggles?
He's not still following her.|You think he's still following her?
Wake up and smell|the restraining order.
What should I do?
If you really like this guy,|you should just trust him.
Thank you, Monica.
Or you could follow him.
That's what I'd do.|Forget mine.
What happened?
Crazy Chandler spun me... the bed.
Wow! Spinning!|Sounds like fun.
I wish.
He was just trying|Ross' "hug and roll" thing.
Ross' what?
Where he hugs you|and then he rolls you away, and...
Oh... my... God!
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just here looking|for my... my...
Part of an old sandwich.|Here it is!
Were you following me?
Yes. I'm sorry.
I was afraid you were still|hung up on my sister.
So you spied on me.
I can't believe|you don't trust me.
Well, what do you know?|There goes my identical twin sister!
Just walking along, looking like me.
Is this a freakish coincidence, or|did you know she takes this train?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I tried to stop,|but I couldn't.
I'm so pathetic.
No, it's not your fault.|It's partly my fault.
I made you quit cold turkey.
Well, I can't date you anymore|because you're, you know...
But I will definitely help you|get over my sister. Okay?
Stalk me for a while, huh?
I'll be like an Ursula patch.
I don't know.
Just...|Look, I'm going!
Come on.
I'm on the pillar.|Which way will I go?
- Where you going?|- To the bank.
Sperm or regular?
You're really doing it?
Oh, yeah. I picked a guy.|37135.
Sounds nice.
He does. He's got|brown hair and green eyes.
No kidding?
I figured you'd have picked|a blond.
Really? Why?
I always pictured you with a tall,|smart, blond guy with a name like...
It's a name. Yeah.
I saw you in this great house|with a big pool.
Is he a swimmer?
He's got the body for it.
I like that.
You have a sign that says:
"We don't swim in your toilet.|Don't pee in our pool."
We don't have that sign.
You do!|It was a gift from me.
And you have three great kids.
Two girls and a boy?
And they wear little water wings,|and they run around on the deck.
And Hoyt wraps a towel|around all three of them.
But, you know,|this way sounds good too.
Wow! This guy's an astronaut?
That would have been cool...
...for a day.
I called the sperm bank.
They haven't sold a single unit|of Tribbiani.
Nobody wants my product.
I don't get it.
Maybe if they met me in person.
You got a thing on your...
Get it?
Chan, can I talk to you|for a second?
Sure. What's up?
Just one additional|relationship thought.
Something you're probably aware of.
Women talk.
Face 2004
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Family Guy 01x01 - Death Has a Shadow
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Friends - 3x11 - The One Where Chandler Cant Remember
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Friends - 4x11 - The One With Phoebes Uterus
Friends - 4x12 - The One With the Embryos
Friends - 4x13 - The One With Rachels Crush
Friends - 4x14 - The One With Joeys Dirty Day
Friends - 4x15 - The One With All the Rugby
Friends - 4x16 - The One With the Fake Party
Friends - 4x17 - The One With the Free Porn
Friends - 4x18 - The One With Rachels New Dress
Friends - 4x19 - The One With All the Haste
Friends - 4x20 - The One With All the Wedding Dresses
Friends - 4x21 - The One With the Invitation
Friends - 4x22 - The One With the Worst Best Man Ever
Friends - 4x23 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 1
Friends - 4x24 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 2
Friends - 5x01 - The One After Ross Says Rachel
Friends - 5x02 - The One With All the Kissing
Friends - 5x03 - The One Hundreth
Friends - 5x04 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
Friends - 5x05 - The One With the Kips
Friends - 5x06 - The One With the Yeti
Friends - 5x07 - The One Where Ross Moves In
Friends - 5x08 - The One With All the Thanksgivins
Friends - 5x09 - The One With Rosss Sandwich
Friends - 5x10 - The One With the Inappropiate Sister
Friends - 5x11 - The One With All the Resolutions
Friends - 5x12 - The One With Chandlers Work Laugh
Friends - 5x13 - The One With Joeys Bag
Friends - 5x14 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out
Friends - 5x15 - The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey
Friends - 5x16 - The One With the Cop
Friends - 5x17 - The One With Rachels
Friends - 5x18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes
Friends - 5x19 - The One Where Ross Cant Flirt
Friends - 5x20 - The One With the Ride-Along
Friends - 5x21 - The One With the Ball
Friends - 5x22 - The One With Joeys Big Break
Friends - 5x23 - The One in Vegas
Friends - 6x01 - The One After Vegas
Friends - 6x02 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
Friends - 6x03 - The One With Rosss Denial
Friends - 6x04 - The One Where Joey Loses His
Friends - 6x05 - The One With Joeys Porsche
Friends - 6x06 - The One On the Last Night
Friends - 6x07 - The One Where Phoebe Runs
Friends - 6x08 - The One With Rosss Teeth
Friends - 6x15
Friends 7x01 - The One with Monicas Thunder
Friends 7x02 - The One With Rachels Book
Friends 7x03 - The One With Phoebes Cookies
Friends 7x04 - The One With Rachels Assistant
Friends 7x05 - The One With The Engagement Picture
Friends 7x06 - The One With The Nap Partners
Friends 7x07 - The One with Rosss Library Book
Friends 7x08 - The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like Dogs
Friends 7x09 - The One With All the Candy
Friends 7x10 - The One With The Holiday Armadillo
Friends 7x11 - The One With All The Cheesecakes
Friends 7x12 - The One Where They are Up All Night
Friends 7x13 - The One Where Rosita Dies
Friends 7x14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty
Friends 7x15 - The One With Joeys New Brain
Friends 7x16 - The One With the Truth About London
Friends 7x17 - The One With the Cheap Wedding Dress
Friends 7x18 - The One With Joeys Award
Friends 7x19 - The One With Ross and Monicas Cousin
Friends 7x20 - The One With Rachels Kisses
Friends 7x21 - The One With the Vows
Friends 7x22 - The One With Chandlers Dad
Friends 7x23 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 1
Friends 7x24 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 2
Friends 9x01 - The One Where No One Proposes
Friends 9x02 - The One Where Emma Cries
Friends 9x03 - The One With The Pediatrician
Friends 9x04 - The One With The Sharks
Friends 9x05 - The One With Phoebes Birthday Dinner
Friends 9x06 - The One With The Male Nanny
Friends 9x07 - The One With Rosss Inappropriate Song
Friends 9x08 - The One With Rachels Other Sister
Friends 9x09 - The One With Rachels Phone Number
Friends 9x10 - The One With Christmas In Tulsa
Friends 9x11 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
Friends 9x12 - The One With Phoebes Rats
Friends 9x13 - The One Where Monica Sings
Friends 9x14 - The One With The Blind Dates
Friends 9x15 - The One With The Mugging
Friends 9x16 - The One With The Boob Job
Friends 9x17 - The One With The Memorial Service
Friends 9x18 - The One With The Lottery
Friends 9x19 - The One With Rachels Dream
Friends 9x20 - The One With The Soap Opera Party
Friends 9x21 - The One With The Fertility Test
Friends 9x22 - The One With The Donor
Friends 9x23-24 - The One In Barbados 1 2)
Frisson des vampires Le
From Beijing with love
From Dusk Till Dawn
From Dusk Till Dawn 3 The Hangmans Daughter
From Hell
From Justin To Kelly (Special Edition)
Frontera La
Frusta e il corpo La
Fucking Amal
Fudoh The New Generation 1996
Fugitive The - The Chase Continues
Fugitives (2000)
Fukssvansen (Chop Chop)
Full Frontal 2002
Full Metal Jacket
Full Time Killer
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD1
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD2
Fun in Acapulco (Richard Thorpe 1963)
Funeral Parade of Roses
Funeral in Berlin
Funny Girl
Fuochi dArtifizio
Furia (2002)
Fury The (1978)
Futurama 1x01 - Space Pilot 3000
Futurama 1x02 - The Series Has Landed
Futurama 1x03 - I Roommate
Futurama 1x04 - Loves Labors Lost in Space
Futurama 1x05 - Fear of a Bot Planet
Futurama 1x06 - A Fishful of Dollars
Futurama 1x07 - My Three Suns
Futurama 1x08 - A Big Piece of Garbage
Futurama 1x09 - Hell is Other Robots
Futurama 2x01 - A Flight to Remember
Futurama 2x02 - Mars University
Futurama 2x03 - When Aliens Attack
Futurama 2x04 - Fry and the Slurm Factory
Futurama 3x01 - Amazon Women in the Mood
Futurama 3x02 - Parasites Lost
Futurama 3x03 - A Tale of Two Santas
Futurama 3x04 - The Luck of the Fryrish
Futurama 3x05 - The Birdbot of Ice-catraz
Futurama 3x06 - Bendless Love
Futurama 3x07 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Futurama 3x08 - Thats Lobstertainment
Futurama 3x09 - The Cyber House Rules
Futurama 3x10 - Insane in the Mainframe
Futurama 3x10 - Where The Buggalo Roam
Futurama 3x12 - The Route of All Evil
Futurama 3x13 - Bendin in the Wind
Futurama 3x14 - Time Keeps on Slippin
Futurama 3x15 - I Dated a Robot
Futurama 3x16 - A Leela of Her Own
Futurama 3x17 - A Pharaoh To Remember
Futurama 3x18 - Anthology of Interest Part 2
Futurama 3x19 - Roswell That Ends Well
Futurama 3x20 - Godfellas
Futurama 3x21 - Future Stock
Futurama 3x22 - The 30 Iron Chef
Futurama 4x01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Futurama 4x02 - Leelas Homeworld
Futurama 4x03 - Love and Rocket
Futurama 4x04 - Less Than Hero
Futurama 4x05 - A Taste of Freedom
Futurama 4x06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
Futurama 4x07 - Jurassic Bark
Futurama 4x08 - Crimes of the Hot
Futurama 4x09 - Teenage Mutant Leelas Hurdles
Futurama 4x10 - The Why of Fry
Futurama 4x11 - Where no Fan Has Gone Before
Futurama 4x12 - The Sting
Futurama 4x13 - Bend Her
Futurama 4x14 - Obsoletely Fabulous
Futurama 4x15 - The Farnsworth Parabox
Futurama 4x16 - Three Hundred Big Boys
Futurama 4x17 - Spanish Fry
Futurama 4x18 - The Devils Hands are Idle Playthings
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD1
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD2