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How long you been|driving, lady? About, uh, 45 minutes,|wouldn't you say, Harold? We were hoping|to start sooner, but it's rather hard|to find a truck. Is this your truck? Uh, oh, no.|I just took it. You just took it? Yes. See, I have|to plant my tree. Well,|it's not mine, really, but we would like|to get it into soil as soon as possible. Let me get this|straight, lady. All right, then, we'll be off. Nice chatting with you. He was very nice. Yeah. I think|he's following us. Is he? Oh, the police. Always|wanting to play games. Hey, lady! Is the little tree|all right? Oh, yeah. Fine. Terrific! There. Mmm. I love the feel|of soil, don't you? And the smell. It's the earth. The earth is my body, my head is in the stars. Who said that? I don't know. I suppose I did. Oh, isn't it wonderful? All around us,|living things. All right, out, lady. Come on. Hello.|Haven't we met before? None of that, lady.|Come on out. It must have been|your brother. There is|a family resemblance. Get out of the car. Just stand|over there, lady. Come on. Get out, buster! You're in a lot|of trouble, lady. I got you down here|for several offenses including possession|of a stolen vehicle, resisting arrest, and possession|of a stolen tree. Where's the tree? We planted it. Is this your shovel? No. Possession|of a stolen shovel. Don't get officious. You're not yourself|when you're officious. That is the curse|of a government job. Aw, lady. Are you going to take|a lot of time with this? Lady, please. Because if you are-- Lady, just quiet, please. Grab the shovel,|Harold. Lady! Stop or|I'll have to shoot! I sure am picking up|on vices. Vice, virtue. It's best|not to be too moral. You cheat yourself|out of too much life. Aim above morality. If you apply that|to life, then you're bound|to live it fully. I haven't lived. I've died a few times. What was that? Well... uh... the first time was when|I was at boarding school, in the chemistry lab. I was in there|cleaning it up, so I decided I'd do|a little experimenting, you know. So I get all this stuff out|and begin mixing it up. Very scientific. There was this|massive explosion. It knocked me down, blew out a huge hole|in the floor. There was boards|and bricks and flames|leaping up. I figured, you know,|time to leave. My career in school|was over. So, uh... I went home. My mother|was giving a party, so I went up the back stairs|into my room, turned out the light, and, uh, I got|this funny feeling. The doorbell rang. I went out|into the banister, and these two|policemen came in, found my mother, and, uh...told her that I was killed|in the fire. She put one hand|up to her forehead. With the other one,|she reached out, as if groping|for support, and with|this long sigh, she collapsed|in their arms. I decided right then that I'd enjoy|being dead. I understand. A lot of people|enjoy being dead, but they're not dead,|really. They're just|backing away from life. Reach out.|Take a chance. Get hurt, even. But play|as well as you can. Go, team, go! Gimme an "L,"|Gimme an "I," Gimme a "V,"|Gimme an "E." L-I-V-E. Live! Otherwise you got nothing|to talk about in the locker room. I likeyou, Maude. Hmm. I likeyou, Harold. [The Blue Danube|Waltz Plays] Harold is down|at the garage. He's been tuning up|his new car. He's very mechanical. What kind of car|is it? It's a little jaguar. Oh. Looks like a hearse. Very nice.|You know--compact. Edith, I'd like you|to meet my son Harold. Harold,|this is Edith... - Phern.|- Phern. Very pleased to make|your acquaintance. I think you should|wash up, dear, and join us|in the drawing room. And what do you do,|my dear? I'm a file clerk at Harrison|Feed and Grain. Well, what is it|exactly that you do? I'm in charge of all the invoices|for the southwest. How interesting. And we supply,|for example, most of the egg farmers|in Petaluma, so you can imagine. Yes. Oh, here's Harold now. Don't get up, dear. Edith has been talking|about her job. I'm a file clerk. Henderson|Feed and Grain. Harrison. Harrison|Feed and Grain. It's at Hamilton|and 4th. I'm in charge|of the invoices. I type the schedule|for the trucking fleet. She supplies the whole southwest|with chicken feed. Well, not exactly|the whole southwest, although we do|a large business. Barley was very big|last week-- 1,500... bushels. In view of your|recent actions, I find you have left me|with no recourse but to listen to the solution|proposed by your uncle. Consequently, I have|instructed him forthwith to induct you|into the service, and, for your own good, to take up active duty|with the United States Army. And I hope they have|more luck with you than I. Maude, they're|going to draft me. Well, don't go. They'll put me in jail. Well, historically,|you'd be in very good company. Maude, can you help me? With your skill|and my experience, I think we can|come up with something. Harold, look at me|like your father in this. I know you have no desire|to join the army, but once you're in,|you'll love it. It's a great life. Look at me-- chauffeur, respect,|money in the bank. Oh, it has its drawbacks|like anything else, I suppose. But the army|takes care of you, and you've got|a buddy for life. Good idea,|coming out here, Harold. It's a lovely spot. Thank you, Uncle. Call me sir, Harold. It's the first thing|you learn in the army-- an officer|deserves your respect. Yes, sir. Now let's examine|the facts on it. I say this country's|been too harsh in its outright|condemnation ofwar. You can point to the many|material advantages brought about by a crisis|in conflict policy. Why, hell, World War II|gave us the ballpoint pen. During wartime, the national|suicide rate goes down. Is that a fact? Why in hell did we|give up on the Germans? Because the damn politicians|in Washington chalked them up|on our side. The wars ever since have|been a national disgrace. Hell, look at history. The two best wars|this country ever fought were against the jerries. Get the krauts across|the fence where they belong. Let's get back to the kind|of enemy worth killing and the kind ofwar|this country can support. Wow. That's pretty|strong stuff, sir. Well, I've always been a man|that speaks his piece. Always hurt me. I'm not liked in Washington.|I know that. But I do have friends|in high places. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat! They kept falling. Shock! Joe falls back,|a neat hole in his head. Tat-tat-tat-tat! Only one thing kept|going through my mind-- Kill! Kill! For joe and Mac|and the rest of the guys! Kill! And then there was|a blinding flash! And I woke up|on a stretcher. "Did we hold? "|I asked the medic. "Yes, sir!" he said. And I slipped|into unconsciousness. Boy. Wow. That's|a terrific story, sir. Well... you'll have stories like that|to tell of your own someday. Do you think so, sir? Sure, you will. Gee, I never dreamed|it could be that exciting. It's the most exciting thing|in the world, Harold. To pit your own life|against another. Yes. To kill. The taste ofblood|in your mouth. The moment of truth. Another man's life|in your sight! Yes! Will they really|teach me to shoot? Sure, they will,|a variety ofweapons. To use a bayonet? Yes! How about|hand-to-hand combat? Yes. To strangle someone,|choke him, squeeze out his life|in your own bare hands! I think you're|getting carried away. - How about to slit his throat?|- I don't know about that. How about souvenirs? Souvenirs? Of your kill. Eyes, ears, nose,|scalp, privates? Harold! What would be the chance|of getting one of these? Boy, to think|I could make my own! Harold,|that's disgusting! It certainly is! Madam, who are you? I am petitioning|for peace. - Parasite!|- Harold! I came out here|to speak. Commie bastard!|Get out of here! Don't talk to me|like that, you foul-mouthed|degenerate! Traitor! Benedict Arnold!|Remember Nathan Hale! Harold,|calm down. Commie pig! Don't you advance|on me. You'll all end up|like this! Ooh! Just like this! Harold! Give me that!|I'll throw that in the sewer. Madam, please. She took my head. Now calm down,|Harold. She took my head! Harold! I'll kill her!|I'll kill her! Harold! Harold! Aah! Madam,|give back the head! Let's|have no trouble! Harold! I'll kill you! Madam! I'll kill you! Harold! Damn you! Let's have no trouble! Aah! You took my head! You pig! I'll kill you! Help! Harold! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Let go, Uncle!|Let go! Harold! Stop that! Harold! What have you done? Maude. Hmm? Do you pray? Pray? No.|I communicate. With God? With life. This is real nice. Yeah. Makes me want|to do somersaults. Well, why don't you? I'd feel stupid. Harold,|everyone has the right to make an ass|of themselves. You can't let the world|judge you too much. Uh... do you care to join me|in a little cartwheel? No. I feel|more like yelling. Raah! Aooga-- # Well, if you want|to sing out, sing out # # And if you want|to be free, be free # # 'Cause there's|a million things to be # #You know that there are # # And if you want|to be me, be me # # And if you want|to be you, be you # # 'Cause there's|a million things to do # #You know that there are # #You can do what you want # #The opportunity's on # # And if you|find a new way # #You can do it today # #You can make it|all true # # And you can|make it undo, you see # Maude. I had the most|wonderful day today, and... you're|very beautiful. Oh, Harold. You make me feel|like a schoolgirl. Shall I come|and visit you tomorrow? Oh, I can't. I have|a luncheon date with a girl. Oh. I don't even know her.|My mother arranged it. Look. Oh. Dreyfus once wrote|from Devil's Island that he would see|the most glorious birds. Many years later|in Brittany, he realized they had|only been seagulls. # Ah-ah-ah, it's easy # # Ah-ah-ah,|you only need to know # For me, they will always|be glorious birds. # Well, if you want|to sing out, sing out # # And if you want|to be free, be free # # 'Cause there's|a million things to be # # You know that there are # #You know that there are # #You know that there are # #You know that there are # #You know that there are ## Now, Harold, I cannot impress upon you|too strongly the importance|of this meeting. This is the last girl,|so kindly remember that this is your third|and final chance. And please try|to be serious, Harold. If not for your sake,|for hers. There she is. Sunshine, I'd like you|to meet Harold. Harold, this is|Sunshine Dore. How-- How do you do? Oh, I can't|complain. Sunshine is an actress,|Harold. I like to think so. Oh, wonderful. Why don't you go down|to the music room, and I'll follow on later|with some drinks? Oh, perhaps Starlight|would like a cigarette. No. Sunshine. Oh, yes, of course. Sunshine. Would you like|a cigarette? No, thank you.|They stain my fingers. Is Sunshine|your real name? Well, actually, it was the name|of my drama teacher. Louis Sunshine. Perhaps|you've heard of him. He was|such an influence on the development|of my instrument. That means my body|in theater talk. Dore is my real name. Well, Dorr, actually. Oh, my! What a lovely place|you have here. Oh, do you play? No. I am learning the ba--|the harmonica. Oh! Is this your father? No. My Uncle Victor. He's in the army. I do so like|the military, don't you? Oh, what a wonderful|collection of knives! May I see-- No, no. Don't touch.|They're very old. Do you enjoy knives? Oh, yes. You might find this one|particularly interesting. It's a hara-kiri blade. What's hara-kiri? Aah! Sukiyaki. Oh... Harold. Oh, that was marvelous. Oh, it had|the ring of truth. I played juliet|in the Sunshine Playhouse. Louie thought it was|my best performance. What's here? A cup, closed|in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been|his timeless end. O happy dagger! O happy dagger! This is thy sheath. There rest--ooh! And let me die-- Oh! Ooh! Harold! That was|your last date. - Aah!|- Aah! - Aah!|- Aah! Gee. It wasn't very scary. No. It had nothing|on this afternoon. Oh, come on.|You loved it. It was|a new experience. Ha ha ha ha. Oh! Perfect! Come on,|give us another one! - Yay!|- Yay! You sure have|a way with people. Well, they're|my species. Look at these stars. Mmm. Maude... Yeah? Here. A gift. Ahh... "Harold|loves Maude." And Maude|loves Harold. This is|the nicest present that I've received|in years. So I'll always know|where it is. # I think|I see the light # # Comin' to me # # Comin' through me # # Givin' me|a second sight # # So shine,|shine, shine # # Shine, shine, shine # # Shine, shine, shine # # Shine, shine, shine # # Shine, shine, shine # # Shine, shine, shine ## Oh, could I speak|with Fay, please? Fay? Darling, I know|Rene will be furious, but...ifhe knew what|I had to put up with in the last few days. - Mother.|- Not now, dear. So could you|take me Monday? I'd like|to talk to you. I'm on the phone, dear. I'm getting married. What did you say? I'm getting married. Hold the line, Fay. To whom? I suppose you think|this is very funny, Harold. A sunflower. You can't be serious. Your mother spoke to me|about your marriage plan, and although normally I have nothing|against marriage, I don't think|this is quite, uh... normal. Avery common neurosis, particularly|in this society, whereby the male child subconsciously wishes|to sleep with his mother. Of course,|what puzzles me, Harold, is that you want to sleep|with your grandmother. I would be remiss|in my duty if I did not tell you that the idea of... intercourse... the fact|of your firm young... body... commingling... with the... withered flesh... sagging...breasts... and...flabby... bu... buttocks... makes me want... to vomit. Mmm. Oh, Harold... it's...dazzling. [Humming|The Blue Danube Waltz] You've thought|of everything. And champagne. It's all right.|It's organic. - Oh, Harold.|- Wait. For you. And, uh... after dinner... one more little|surprise... that, I hope,|will make you very happy. Oh, Harold... I am happy. I couldn't imagine|a lovelier farewell. Farewell? Yes, it's|my 90th birthday. Well, you're not|going anywhere.... are you? Yes, dear. I took the tablets|an hour ago. I'll be gone|by midnight. What? What a fuss this is--|So unnecessary. Don't die, Maude,|for Christ's sake. Oh, Harold. Oh, don't upset|yourself so. I love you. I love you. Oh, Harold... that's wonderful. Go and love some more. No. Never. Never. # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|set me free # # I have seen your face # # And it's too much,|too much for me # # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|can't you see # # You're eatin'|my heart away # # And there's nothin' much|left of me # # I've drunk your wine # # You have made|your work mine # # So won't you be fair # # So won't you be fair # # I don't want|no more of you # # So won't you be|kind to me # # just let me go where # # I have to go there # # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|move away # # I have seen your face # # And it's too much|for me today # # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|can't you see # # You have made me|a wreck # # Now won't you|leave me in my misery # # I've seen your eyes # # And I can see|death's disguise # # Hangin' on me # # Hangin' on me # # Hangin' on me # # I am beat, I'm torn # # Shattered and tossed|and worn # # Too shocking to see # # Too shocking to see # # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|move from me # # I have paid my debt # # Now, won't you|leave me in my misery # # Trouble # # Oh, trouble,|please be kind # # I don't want no fight # # And I haven't got|a lot of time... ## # Well, if you want|to sing out, sing out # # And if you want|to be free, be free # # 'Cause there's|a million things to be # #You know|that there are # # And if you want|to live high, live high # # And if you want|to live low, live low # # 'Cause there's|a million ways to go # #You know|that there are # #You can do|what you want # #The opportunity's on # # And if you find|a new way # #You can do it today # #You can make it|all true # # And you can|make it undo # #You see # # Ahh ahh ahh # # It's easy # # Aah ahh ahh # #You only need|to know # # Well, if you want|to say yes, say yes ## rip by Andante (andante1983@yahoo.com) |
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