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- Hi. - Hi. Hi. Can I sit here? Where Were you? It's so hot in here. Please be seated. Dearly beloved... Richard, on the other side, tWo roWs back, next to the hat. - Where? - Don't look in an obvious Way, OK? A friend of Karen and Tom Will noW read from the Letter to the Corinthians. That's Mark Forman. He Writes a column in Washington. Is he single? He's famous for it. Very single. "Love is long-suffering and kind. "Love does not envy. Love does not make a vain display of itself "and does not boast. Does not behave itself unseemly. "Bears all things, believes all things, "hopes all things, endures all things. "Love never fails. "And noW abide faith, hope, love. "These three, but the greatest of these... "...is love." TWo White Wines, please. Thank you. I'm Mark Forman. Rachel Samstat. I saW you on Meet the Press. I read your article about ice cream. I have to tell you, I disagree With you about Häagen-Dazs Rum Raisin. What can I say? - You Were so vicious about it. - I'm a vicious person. That's What I hear. Next time you have one of those food contests doWn at the magazine, I'd like to be a judge. I really Would. I'll come up from Washington for it. MeanWhile... ...hoW Would you like to go someplace and have a drink? I have to go tell someone that I'm leaving. - You here With a date? - No. My friend. An editor. Excuse me. Hi. Sorry. Here. I'm gonna go have a drink With him. Fine. My Wife's name Was Kimberley. One of the very first Kimberleys. My husband had hamsters. - Me too. - Not as a groWnup you didn't. He had hamsters named Arnold and Shirley. And he Was alWays Whipping up little salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic and buying them extremely small sWeaters at a pet boutique in Rego Park. Also, there Was a certain amount of talking in squeaky voices. Both of you? Well, he Was Arnold... ...and I Was Shirley. My sister alWays used to try to get me to have one. A nose job. I love your nose. Well, it goes With my face. I alWays say that, but it isn't true. You say you love her. You can remember her love for you. What happened so far? She Was decapitated in a dreadful automobile accident. But fortunately, that Was the exact problem that her boyfriend Was Working on back at the laboratory. So he carried the head back in a toWel that he had in the car. And she Wakes up on a tray and says: "Where am I? "Oh, no, don't tell me. "I've been in an aWful accident and lost my arms and legs." And he says: "Worse than that, I'm afraid." This is great. So you just go in the kitchen at 4 in the morning... - Oh, sure. - And you come back out With this. This is the best spaghetti carbonara I've ever had. You're making fun of me. You probably think it's very bourgeois to cook for somebody on the first date. You probably think I do this for everybody. Rachel, I love this. When We're married, I Want this once a Week. I'm never getting married again. I don't believe in marriage. Neither do I. Does your sister behave like this at all her Weddings? - She's never done this before. - No? Let me go see. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Hi. - Get her already. - I Will, Daddy. Rachel, everybody's Waiting. I don't knoW What to tell them. I don't knoW, Eleanor. I don't knoW. Mom and Dad Were a disaster. Charlie and I Were a disaster. Everybody... Except for you tWo. HoW long have you and Harvey been married? - TWelve years. - And it's a Wonderful marriage, isn't it? It's OK. - The secret is Waxed paper. - Waxed paper? You butter the Waxed paper on both sides. Then add the chicken just as you Would a normal casserole. - Filleted, of course? - Of course. And not a trace of skin. Oh, no, never, never. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Not second marriages. Forty percent of all second marriages end in divorce. You can't even get a decent bagel in Washington, D.C. I'll send them to you Federal Express. Thank you. Julie and Arthur Siegel, We met in Washington, Mark's oldest friends. I hope We're not disturbing you. No, no, come in. Rachel, We don't knoW you very Well, but We knoW Mark. TWenty years. For 20 years he's been terrible to Women. Lying, cheating... Bringing them to our house for lunch then leaving them there, vanishing. - Until you. - You're the only person he's ever treated decently. Your mother Would've loved him. Yeah. But she Was crazy. That's true. Add about four cups of heavy cream. - And begin boiling. - Cream and shallots. - Cream and shallots. - So simple, so far. OK, it is done in approximately 20 minutes. You Want me to marry him, don't you? I don't Want you to do anything. That is such a lie. All you therapists Want is for us to get married and have babies. It's the closest you ever get to a cure. I'm just trying to understand Why you don't Wanna marry somebody you love. Because it doesn't Work. Marriage doesn't Work. You knoW What Works? Divorce. Divorce is only a temporary solution. Let's be sensible. We're happy noW. If We get married, We'll ruin everything. The minute you get married, you start to drive each other crazy. It'll never happen With us. Why not? Because you already drive me crazy. I love you. I have to trust you. Do you knoW Where your shoes are? Do you knoW? I do. I knoW everything about you. And it's just the beginning. Made it, huh? We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Rachel and Mark and their commitment to a life together. Do you, Mark, have this Woman to be your Wife, to love her, honor her, cherish her in joy and in sorroW for as long as you both shall live? I do. Do you, Rachel, have this man to be your husband, to love him, honor him, cherish him in joy and in sorroW for as long as you both shall live? I do. I, Mark Louis Forman, take you, Rachel Louise Samstat, to be my Wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish from this day forward, until death part... Part us. With this ring, I Wed thee. I, Rachel Louise Samstat, take you, Mark Louis Forman, to be my husband, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, until death shall part us. With this ring, I thee Wed. As Mark and Rachel have decided to marry and have promised to be loving and faithful to each other through all the circumstances life may bring, have exchanged rings as a token of that pledge, I declare that they are husband and Wife. - I love you. - I love you. Gorgeous little tree. - Oh, this White one? - Yes. - No, no. - What? Which one? - The... - Oh, the sold one. Needs a little Work. OK? Oh, Well, We got a good price on it because they had a sort of a fire. Thank you. And this... ...is... ...Why We bought the place. It's the... It's the original fireplace. What do you think? Yeah, you have to use your imagination. It's going to be beautiful. Not necessarily in your lifetime. It's just that there's no door to the kitchen. The back door. The back door. Yes. It's true. You can get into the kitchen... ...through the back door. This, We knoW is a kitchen. But you can't get inside the house from in the kitchen! NoW, hoW the fuck did this happen?! Mark. For God's sake. Laszlo, We thought that you could put a door here. She's a piece of cake. - He's a piece of cake. - It's a piece of cake. - You are Hungarian? - No. You are Hungarian. - Yes. - Yes. Hungarians have no pronouns. Apparently they don't have fucking doors, either. She is very angry at me. He is very angry at you. Yes. - Why aren't you angry at him? - It's only a door, honey. It Will be extra, yes? Why don't We just hire another contractor? Forget about the money and just hire someone else. That's just What I Was thinking. In China they have to eat this shit every day. Nobody's making you eat it. They're serving dinner at this stupid party. What are you so upset about? There's just dust everywhere. Look at it. There's dust in my pores. - It's not funny. - Yes, it is. Well, I told you that you shouldn't hire him. I mean, it's not my fault. Look, obviously he is never going to come back and finish the job. I've tried all Week to find someone neW. It's not that easy. You try it. - Good evening. - Good evening. Oh, yeah, I just can't read every day. I'm aWfully pleased to hear you say that. - He's just so modest. - Oh, I am modest. No, I... I think sometimes people... ...Worry about the rich man. You have to Worry about the little man. ...people from Mississippi and Alabama, they tend to... ...and he does not believe they Will get the bill through committee. Really? - Really? - Yeah, there gonna have a... ...M3. - What's M3? It sounds like a missile, is What it sounds like. We try to determine What policy We should take in the situation - in Which We find ourselves. - I'm not denying that. - It Was such fun, May. - Oh, thank you. - Thank you, it Was Wonderful. - Good night. They talked over me as if I Wasn't even there. Blah-blah-blah, investment tax credits. Blah-blah-blah, the oil-depletion alloWance. If you read something other than the Style Section, you might find it interesting. I'll call Laszlo When We get home. I'm gonna try him one more time. All you'll get is the machine. Yes, Laszlo, it's Rachel. Rachel Samstat. Oh, my God. I don't believe it. Well, I'm fine, thank you. Don't be so fucking nice. Where the fuck have you been? My God. I'm real... I'm sorry. Yes, of course I understand. Oh, God, Well, I... I hope you feel better. Well, don't... You knoW, only if you're up to it. Don't push things. You knoW, Whenever you can. OK. Bye. What the fuck Was that? - He has cancer. - Bullshit. - Mark. - It's bullshit! - People don't lie about things like that. - Contractors lie about everything. - What'd he say, "I have cancer"? - Exactly. Well, he probably meant that "he" has cancer. - Who? - HoW do I knoW? Someone. I don't knoW. His father. His father's dead. We'll go over to his house, have a look at him. If he looks OK, I'll kill him. He has an unlisted address. - What are you talking about? - Oh, Well, it's the latest thing. What kind of person has an unlisted address? I'll tell you What kind of person. The kind that doesn't Want to be dead. The kind people are trying to kill all the time. - Why are you angry at me for? - I'm not angry at you. Then What are you shouting at me for? Because you're the only one that's here. I hate it When you get angry. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you. I love you. I'm not angry at you. We can't have a baby in this. It'll have asthma before it's a month old. Well, We'll just have to Wait till We finish the house to have a baby. If this is your Way of telling me that We've got less than nine months to finish this renovation, it's a really Weird Way of doing it. Well, We... We're having a baby. I think. I think We're having a baby. - We're having a baby. - Yeah. Oh, baby. Thank you. Let's... Let's sing... ...all the songs We knoW about babies. I don't knoW any songs about babies. Yes, sir That's my baby No, sir, I don't mean maybe Yes, sir That's my baby now Oh, baby, you Nobody but you I don't knoW the rest. Is you is, or is you ain't my baby? I really can't stay But, baby, it's cold outside I really have to go But, baby, it's cold outside This evening has been - So happy that you dropped - So nice Look out the window at the storm Bill. My boy Bill I will see that he's named after me I will My boy Bill will be tall And as tough as a tree Will Bill Like a tree he'll grow With his head held high And his feet planted firm On the ground And you won't see nobody Dare to try To toss him or boss him around No baggy-eyed Beer-bellied bully Will boss him around I don't give a damn what he does As long as he does what he likes He can sit on his tail And hammer a nail With a hammer Hammering spikes The other thing The river, do something With the river. With a hammer Hammering spikes Wait a minute What if he is a girl? She's gotta be sheltered And fed and dressed in the best That money can buy I never knew how to make money But I'll try, by God, I'll try I'll go out and make it Or steal it Or take it Or I'll Die Die A baby? She's gonna have a baby. A girl baby. Oh, no kissing. No kissing in group. - What are you gonna call it? - Her, it's a her. I'm sorry. Her, OK? - What goes With Forman? - Oh, no last names in group. - We're thinking of Ann. - Ann? Just Ann? - What's Wrong With Ann? - I like Ann. - Where'd you get the ring? - What? This? Mark gave me this When I got pregnant. - Oh, my God. - I thought you said - you Weren't gonna have a baby. - Yeah, Well, I changed my mind. Vera's happy, even if you're not, Diana. I'm happy. Really, I am. I am. Veronica Lake. - Janet Leigh. - Oh, Arthur, don't you think - Janet Leigh's a little obvious? - Don't pay any attention to them, Julie. - Honey, you didn't start yet, did you? - No, I Waited for you. - All right? All right. This is for the hall. - OK. And this is for the nursery. What do you think? - I love this. - What do you call this color? - Taupe. - Do you think We'll get tired of it? Taupe? Never. Taupe. What can I say? I've alWays been terrible With colors. It comes from having groWn up With the single-roW box of crayons, instead of the big box. If I had had the big box, I Would noW knoW taupe and cerise and ecru. - Instead, all I knoW is burnt sienna. - I think there's a column in this. - Oh, God. - Forman, every time I say something, it ends up in your column. - You can have it if you Want it. - It's mine. I said it. I get to say, "You can have it if you Want it", not you. - Well, do you Want it or not? - Yes. Well, What're you gonna do With it? Write it up in some laW revieW? He doesn't have to do anything With it. - Hi, honey. - Hey. I don't knoW if you need this or... Where'd you find arugula in Washington, Betty? Oh, I only had to drive 15 miles for it. - Hey, hoW are you? - Oh, God. Wonderful. Oh, I'll tell you Who. Rita Hayworth. The peerless Rita, yes. Ava Gardner. - Ann Blyth. - Ann Blyth? What can I tell you? I've alWays had a thing for Ann Blyth. What can I tell you? I've alWays had a thing for Ann Blyth. - All right. - We give up. Senator Toffler and Vicky Huddleston. - No kidding. - Really? HoW do you knoW that? Parked in the Hamburger Hamlet parking lot. In GeorgetoWn? - Bethesda. - No shit. I kneW something Was Wrong, because about a month ago I sat next to him at dinner, and he asked me What I thought - the resale value of his house Was. - Mark. I said, "Mr. Senator, I am a television journalist. - "I'm not a real-estate broker." - Mark, I think something's happening. - Rachel. - Are you OK? - Time to go to the hospital. - She's having the baby. - Are you all right? - Yeah. - Got the bag? - It's a... - Can I give you a ride? - The bag's in the car. - Put the lamb on for 20 minutes. - What? Baste it once, turn it over and cook it for 20 more minutes. Just keep breathing. You can do it. I don't Want to do it, honey. Can't We get somebody else to do it? You're doing fine. Give me a break. The baby's in some distress. It's possible there's a problem With the umbilical cord. I'm keeping an eye on it. In distress? If it looks serious, We can do a cesarean. We can have the baby out in tWo minutes. - Hold on. - Is the baby gonna die? Let's do it. Get Anesthesia and Pediatrics. - We're gonna do a cross-section. - Mark. Yeah, I'm here. Take it easy, nurse. We're almost there. Count backwards from 100, Rachel. I'm here, babe. One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eight. Ninety-seven. No pictures, OK? Is that our baby? Let me see. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, Petunia I sing to you I sing to you And the baby Petunia too I sing to you About your sweetness And your beet-red face And your little no-teethness And your little hands She's cranky. Without no gloves I sing to you of all our love Behave, peanut. Oh, God. I love our life. I love hoW it just goes along, you knoW. Pork chops again, and, "Do We oWe the Richardsons?" and... - Where are my socks? - And, "Where are my socks?", right. - Where are my socks? - They're in your sock draWer. Got four socks in my sock draWer, and none of them match. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. - Hello, hello, baby. - Here's your funny daddy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well... - See? - Well, I mean, that... Yeah. Whoops. I must've took tWo of those. I just... I never expected to love it so much. You knoW? Nobody tells you. Nobody prepares you for What happens. I mean, you get born too. A Whole part of you that you didn't knoW you had. I mean, suddenly you have all this love to give and... It's almost as if you expand. - You should be Writing about this. - Oh, God, Richard. You don't have to Write about everything. You'll Wind up doing yourself a favor. Just keep a tape recorder around - and talk into it every so often. - Oh, sure. Right. This is Rachel Samstat, food Writer, and I'm here mixing Gerber's rice cereal and applesauce. Do it soon because after this one's born you Won't have time to Write a postcard. "Presently, Kep opened the door of the shed "and let out Jemima Puddle-duck. "Unfortunately, the puppies rushed in and gobbled up all the eggs "before he could stop them. "Jemima Puddle-duck Was escorted home in tears "on account of those eggs." - Good morning. - Morning. - Good morning, Juanita. - What a day. "She laid some more in June. "And she Was permitted to keep them herself, but only four of them hatched. "Jemima Puddle-duck said that it Was because of her nerves. "But she had alWays been a bad sitter." What a story. I've... I've got a lunch up on the Hill, and then I'm gonna go shopping. - What for? - Socks. Hello, this is Rachel Samstat. Well, obviously it's me. I mean, Who else could it be? It's my tape recorder. And it's May 16th, and I'm here in the kitchen With Annie. Why don't you say something to the folks back home, Annie. What? A Word? Oh, my God. I got it on tape. Oh, you big... Julie's idea of romance, OK? I'll tell you. You ready? She's got this flannel nightgoWn that she puts on. It's got this stuff across the top. What is it? - Rickrack. - Rickrack, exactly. Right. - And these bedroom slippers... - With bunnies on them. Right. So she puts on the nightgoWn and the slippers, and she gets into bed on Monday night With the magazines - and a boWI of lima beans, right? - Yes, yes. Hi, darling. Bye. And noW, Arthur's idea of romance is Venice, gondolas... - Gondolas. - Oh, oh, yes, of course. I love my flannel nightgoWn. Oh, I'm so happy. Who kneW West Virginia Was so beautiful? I think We should take this place every summer. - Definitely. - Mark goes into toWn, goes to the dentist. He conducts his search for the perfect pair of socks. He comes home and says, "What've you been doing?" And I say, "Oh, not much, you knoW. Today We found a frog." Here's a riddle for you. There's 200 million people in America. A hundred million of them are men. They lose four socks a year, conservatively. I lose ten myself. That's 400 million missing socks. Missing forever. Where are they? Nobody ever sees them again. You'd think you'd run into one of them every once in a While. They're in heaven. You die, go to heaven, and they give you this big box With all your missing socks and mufflers in it. And you get to spend eternity sorting it out. And Why is there only one shoe left in the road? Where is the other shoe? Why is the cold Water in the bathroom alWays colder than the cold Water in the kitchen? - Mark, for God's sake. - What? It's not even lunch, and you rip the leg off the chicken? Are you planning on photographing it? Oh, come on. You don't even like dark meat. Well, I Won't have any lunch, OK? Just subtract it from my share, OK? This isn't your mother's house, Where you do something like that, and everybody thinks it's cute. If it's not my mother's house, then Why are you talking to me like I'm your kid? Come on, guys. Bellinis. - That's... - Whoops. Sorry. - Just like in Venice. - Thank you. Toast? To marriage. To friendship. - OK. Is everybody ready? - Ready. Arthur, you go first. - "JeWish." - You put "JeWish" first? Julie, try to control yourself. It's my list. - "JeWish. Married." - Thank you. "Lawyer. Father." Hungry. Thank God. OK. OK, this is me. "Unemployed." "Mother. Good-natured. - "Shiksa. Sister." - What about "married"? - That's the shiksa part. - Arthur, it's her list. "Yugoslav. Capitalist. Tan. Tall. 188 pounds." Dmitri, it's not supposed to be like a driver's license. It's Who you are. - I am pussy-Whipped. - That is such a lie. It is. All right. "Television intervieWer. Blond. Living With Dmitri." - Right. - Yeah, for noW. "Friend. Texan." - "Pregnant." - No. "Wife and mother. Writer. Happy." - Thelma. - Betty, hello. - Hi. Jonathan. - Oh, please don't get up. We saW each other at the SWedish Embassy? - I think you're right. - Hi. - Rachel. Hello, Mark. - Have a Wonderful dinner. - Good night. - Nice to see you. - Thelma Rice is having an affair. - No. - With Who? - I don't knoW. - Oh, come on. - With someone. This is What I knoW. It shouldn't be difficult to figure out. It has to be someone taller than she is, Which rules out practically everybody. Maybe it's one of the Washington Bullets. HoW do you knoW this? She's talking about buying a condo and staying in Washington if Jonathan is sent to Bangladesh. NoW, obviously, she's having an affair With someone. Maybe Senator Campbell. He's been talking about condos too. - Senators alWays talk about condos. - This is true. Who else could it be? You knoW, I don't knoW hoW anybody gets anything going in this toWn. Nobody even flirts here. Jonathan is not being sent to Bangladesh. Why not? Because We still care about Bangladesh. Mark, your turn. "Columnist. In love. Married. Father. "Shortstop." Choked on that first one, didn't you? - Hi. - Hi. Thank you. You're Welcome. Thelma Rice had her legs Waxed. For the first time. Need I say more? He's in love With someone else. Hold still. He comes over last night, and he drops it on me. He's in love With someone else - but still Wants to be friends. - This just happened? - Last night? - Hold still. I says, "I don't Wanna be friends With you." He says, "Why not?" I says, "Because you're a real shithead. - "That's Why." - Don't do too much... I'll do one side. If you don't like it, We'll take it doWn. You knoW What he says to me? He says: "You mean you're not even gonna cut my hair anymore?" He falls in love With someone else While going With me, and he actually thinks I'm gonna go on cutting his hair. I can't believe I didn't figure it out. He kept dropping one clue after another, right into my lap. He has to go jogging. He has to go and do errands that take four times longer than it'd take a genuinely subnormal person to do them. Last Week, he calls me up at 10:00 in the evening, and he says: "I'm calling to say good night. I'm going to bed early. "I'm gonna turn off the phone. "I Wanted you to knoW in case you called, and there Was no ansWer." And do you knoW What I said to him? "Good night, honey." Anyone can see it, and I'm saying, "Good night, honey, sleep tight. "Don't let the bedbugs bite." You didn't. "Don't let the bedbugs bite"? I did. - Did you knoW about this? - No, of course not, Mary Beth. You and I are the only tWo people in America Who did not knoW about it. His friends kneW. His mother kneW. - The doorman. - Mary Beth, I... - That's not too much, is it? - No. I have to go. I just realized something. I just remembered. - But I think I left something. - When are you gonna be back? I have to see if I'm right. As soon as I knoW if I'm right... - I'll be back. - Well, hoW long's it gonna take you? I don't knoW. Just give Annie her supper. I have to go through some things. - At least until Mark gets home. - He be home soon, I'm sure. He say he go out to buy socks. Oh, my... Hi. I knoW I'm late. I'll be ready in ten minutes. - Well, look Who's here. - Daddy say: For me, huh? For me? I can't Wear this. I have to Wear something else. Having a shoWer, darling? We'll be late. I knoW about you and Thelma Rice. - I knoW everything. It's all here. - Shit. You didn't even hide the evidence. You just threW it in a draWer. - Hotels. Motels. - Oh, shit. You couldn't even pay cash, like a normal philanderer. You charged everything. I mean, look at this. Look at all these floWers that you bought her. And you occasionally brought me home a bunch of Wilted zinnias. HoW can you do this? If I'm such a bitch, then tell me. But don't do this. We have a baby, Mark. We have another baby coming. - Don't you even care about them? - Of course I care. Do you love her? I can't do this. I can't do this right noW. Please, don't let this be happening. Please, just don't let this be happening. Why can't We go back to the Way it Was? I promise I'll be the Way I Was. There's just no point in... Need that too. Come on. I'm not gonna pack this, sWeetheart. Dad? Dad? Dad? Where is he? Mom, Where's Daddy? Where's my father? Do you knoW? I just clean, honey. Della, do you ever...? I mean, Would you...? I have errands to do in the next couple of days, and I Was just Wondering if you Would... I have to... My husband, you knoW, the one I married at the Wedding? I left him. Here. He's been seeing someone very tall. Someone that I knoW, not very Well, but I mean, I've never had lunch With her. But When I asked him about it, he said, "Yes." And he didn't exactly say, "Yes", but that Was the idea. I'll stay With the baby. Thank you. - Wave bye-bye to Mommy. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye. - Bye. Wave bye-bye. I love you. - Mommy. If anybody calls... If my husband calls, just tell him I'm out. - Bye-bye. - Mommy. - Rachel? Rachel. Hi. - Judith. HoW are you? What are you doing in toWn? - Oh, God. - Aren't you about to have the baby? Judith... ...my mother died. Oh, Rachel. Are you all right? - Yes. - I thought she died a feW years ago. Well, almost, but then, you knoW, she didn't. Rachel... ...I Went through this. I have to tell you. You may not realize this noW, but your mother dying... I'm not saying it's a blessing, but on some level, it frees you. It's not the Worst thing that can happen. I knoW, Judith. Are you free? - So I left him. - No. Just like that? A person does something like that, you can't stay With him. No, no. Well, I don't knoW. I mean, people do. It's just... Are you sure you don't Want to give him a little time? Absolutely not. I am here because I am through With him, and I Would like to come back to Work. Period. I'm back. I'm gonna be living here again, and I need my job. Any time. You knoW that. I Would've said something to you When you left, but "If it doesn't Work, you can have your job back" is not What you say to someone Who's getting married, so... - Thanks, Richard. - Sure. You never really liked him, did you? I'm not gonna get into that trap. You'll go back to him and hold it against me. I am never going back With him. Never. Do you Want to have dinner tonight? Oh, I couldn't. Mark might... I'm sure that he Will turn up, and I'll have to see him and finalize the separation. Make him face the fact that it's over. - But if he doesn't turn up... - He'll turn up. He'll turn up. This is very difficult for him. He is really not accepting it at all. I just have to settle it once and for all. I have to see him. I have to go. What time is it noW? Oh, my God, I'm late. I have to go. Hi. Della? It's Rachel. Were there any calls? My husband? Well, if my husband calls, Will you tell him that I'm...? No, don't tell him that. Tell him that I'll be home soon. Yes. Don't be too specific about it. Just say soon. What? Yes. Put her on. Hi, honey. It's Mommy. Yes, I'll be home in 15 minutes. Well, ask Della to shoW you Where that is on the clock. Ticktock. Mommy has to hang up noW, or I Won't be home in 15 minutes. Annie, hang the phone up, sWeetie. Hang the phone up, so Daddy can call. Annie? Annie? I'm sorry. Taxi! Taxi. - Hi. - Hi. Nobody called. Hi. Tell Mommy about the banana. - I'll get it. - What'd you eat? Oh, nice! And for me! - Here. And thank you very much. - Thank you. Beautiful. Gotta see Who this is... I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope. "Dear Rachel, so sorry about your mother. "Just Wanted you to knoW I'm thinking of you. "Love, Judith." Shit! NoW I have to call her. Good evening. In our last episode, Rachel discovered that her husband, Mark, is in love with another woman, the tall, infamous Thelma, and she has left him. Taken their tiny, tiny child and gone to her father's apartment in New York. There, pregnant, penniless and alone, she has been waiting, hoping against hope, as the hours tick by without a phone call. Finally, realizing that if there is no phone call the first day, there probably won't be one, or perhaps there will be one, but a day later. Rachel closes her weary eyes and sobs herself to sleep. Rach. Mark? No. Daddy. - Where have you been? - Atlantic City With a lady. A looker. Gambling. Her money. I lost. What are you doing here? Mark has fallen in love With Thelma Rice. - Thelma Rice. Do I knoW her? - No. No, no, no. Honey, When Joey Lazarus fell in love With Zizi Jevay, he Went to his Wife and said: "Natalie, I'm in love With Zizi Jevay. I care for you, We have six kids, "hope you don't give me any trouble about seeing them, "because I can't beat this thing." And his Wife said to him, "Joey, "I'm happy for you. You're in love With Zizi Jevay. "Hope you'll be very happy With her. I'm leaving. "I Won't give you any trouble about the kids. "I've raised them for 14 years. You and Zizi "can have them." Yeah, Well, What are you saying? That I should give Mark the children? One of them, anyway. In a couple of months... ...give him the other. - Are you crazy? - They're my children. - A suggestion. I knoW. I'm... I just can't do that, Daddy. Maybe if I had six children. Men. I hate them. AIWays hated them. You Wonder Why I hang around With Women. Because it's men Who do things like this. Oh, Daddy. Oh, noW, noW, noW, noW, noW. You're a Wonderful person. He's a shit. And I love you. I'll do anything I can for you, you knoW? - I knoW. - NoW, I have some neWs. Gene Kelly called about my neW project. Oh, that's Wonderful, Daddy. Says he hasn't directed in years, but he might come back for this. Oh, it's real exciting. Exciting? The life of Balanchine. Are you kidding? Kelly'd be crazy to turn doWn something like this. It's a great part for me. - And maybe you can Write it. - Oh, Dad. I miss Mom. I miss her too. Although let's face it, she Wasn't much good at a time like this. - Yeah, I knoW. - Although let's face it, neither am I. Oh, Daddy, What am I gonna do? There's nothing you can do. You Want monogamy, - marry a sWan. - Oh, no. You get some sleep. And I'm going to that little lady Whose money I lost in Atlantic City. You sure she still Wants to see you? I'm in a buyer's market. Daddy! Oh, beautiful. Della? Della! I'm going doWntoWn to a sort of a doctor's appointment. I hope you're gonna see a shrink, honey. And I Will be back betWeen 3 and 3:30. - All right? - OK. Bye, honey. Bye! Sorry. Hold the... Excuse me, Would you like to sit doWn? Thank you. Hey, I have something I need to talk about today. I can't decide Whether to go to Club Med. - Diana, I need to talk too. - When I'm done. Rachel has something very serious to talk about. This is serious. Nobody ever thinks my problems are serious. Go ahead. Mark is... Mark is in love With someone else. No, but... Why does everything happen to Rachel? - Nothing ever happens to me. - Stick it up your ass, Diana. - Who brought the chopped liver? - I did. - Did you make it? - I bought it. Is that all right? I Was gonna say it Was delicious. NoW I don't feel like telling you. Nothing is ever enough for you, is it? Every Week, you complain about the food. When's the last time you brought food? OK. Everybody on the table. Money, jeWelry, anything you got that I Want. You hold anything back, and I'll kill the lady, just like this! - I alWays hated that picture. - Sidney, this is not the time to speak. Come on, everything, in this bag. Move. Your turn, lady. Come on, the ring. Get that ring off. - Come on! - Are you having trouble? My finger's sWollen because I'm pregnant. I'll get it. Don't panic. - Pull it. - I'm pulling it. - Let me lick it. - Wait. Here. This does it every time. Come on. Come on. Hand me the bag. Give me the bag. All right, everybody. On the floor. FacedoWn. On your stomachs. Please don't shoot me, but I can't lie on my stomach. Do the best you can. And nobody move for five minutes. - I'm really sorry about your ring, lady. - It's all right. Don't Worry about it. Thank you, Mr. BroWnell. Ms. Samstat? - This robbery Was not your fault. - This robbery Was my fault. I knoW. - I'm Detective O'Brien. - Hello. I Want you to come back. Is that a neW blazer? You belong at home. I love you. I'm not coming home if you're gonna see her anymore. I'm not gonna see her anymore. Ever. Not even accidentally. I said I'm not gonna see her anymore, and I'm not gonna see her anymore. I knoW this is difficult for you. But it's difficult for me too. All right. I'll come home. Good. NoW you can put the ring back on. Rachel, for God's sake, put the ring back on. - I gave it aWay. - You What? I gave it aWay. You gave the ring aWay? Not of my oWn free Will. - Someone took it aWay from you. - Yes. Do you Want me to guess Who it Was? My group Was robbed. By an outsider or someone in the group? By an outsider. And it isn't funny. He held a gun to my head. Maybe I can get a column out of it. It happened to me. It's mine. On top of Which, it Was really aWful. He tWisted my arm. ShoW Daddy Where, huh? Oh, shut up. Well, if We get going, We could still catch the 7:00. I did not take it as a personal... No, I do think adultery... Are you saying adultery shouldn't be a cause for divorce? I'm saying that, in most states, it is not a cause anymore for divorce. Are the good times really over For good? How to tell if your husband's cheating. What's the first clue? It may be a slip of paper you found in his wallet. I used to really hate myself for being suspicious of you and having no proof, but thank you. Thank you very much for giving me proof. Alone, in the still unfinished house in Washington, Rachel has turned on the television set. And as she switches channels, everything she sees seems to be an echo of her own dilemma. Are you behaving yourself? Yeah. Juanita, can you please...? I'm on the phone here. Yes, I baked bread, and I hung curtains and... - What do they look like? - Fine. They look fine. If you're drunk and one leg is six inches shorter than the other, they look even. What else? I made chicken stuffed With lemon, and Mark said, "This is delicious." I made linguini With clam sauce, and Mark said, "It's the best I've ever eaten." Oh, and I made pork chops With mustard and cream, and Mark said, "I never Want my pork chops cooked any other Way." I'm being very good. I'm proud of you. Thank you. - I hate this. - I know, sweetie. - And I Wish he Were dead. - I know. When Arthur was having his little affair, every time he got on a plane, I Would imagine the plane crash, the funeral, What I Would Wear at the funeral, flirting at the funeral, hoW soon I could start dating after the funeral. I knoW. We go into the Warehouse, this huge Warehouse, as big as a football field, and hundreds of neat broWn packing cases and gigantic crates all nailed perfectly together. And in the middle of all this is this huge mess of exploded excelsior and broken crockery. The only unbroken plate that arrived. - We had a fight over Who bought it. - And We Won. You promised you'd let us borroW it every once in a While, - and have you? - Take it home With you tonight. I insist. That Was really fun, Wasn't it? - Thank you. - Thank you to you. - Good night. - Good night. - We see you Monday. - Have a nice Weekend. You too. Can I get you anything? No. "Yeah, that really Was fun, Rachel. "It Was like old times. It reminded me of hoW much fun We used to have. "HoW much fun We could still have. Honey, I love you so much. "I don't knoW What got into me. "I knoW hoW hard this must be for you. "I knoW hoW aWful and cold and distant and preoccupied "and self-involved I must seem, but please forgive me. "Can you ever forgive me?" For instance! For fucking instance! Listen to me. Listen to me. You have to give this time. You have to have patience. You can't take its temperature every five minutes to see if the fever's gone doWn. It's the only Way We can do it. It's the only Way We Will ever get through it. Hey. Petunia, hey, come on. Come on. - Hi. - Hello. HoW are you? Good. Can I have a pound of your ground beef? Rachel? Rachel, I Was just gonna call you. And can you put in some veal and some pork With it? I found out Who Thelma Rice is having the affair With. And can I have a pound of your sausage too, please? - Who? - You're not going to like it. - Who is it? - Arthur. Arthur Siegel? They Were seen having drinks at the Washington Hilton. Nobody has drinks at the Washington Hilton unless something secret's going on. Arthur is not having an affair With Thelma Rice. - HoW do you knoW this? - I just knoW. - Tell me. - OK. Promise you Won't tell anyone. I promise. I saW Thelma at the gynecologist's. She has a horrible infection. You don't Want to knoW about it. What? Oh, God! She made me promise not to tell anybody. She almost didn't have to, because it Was so disgusting, I almost couldn't. I'm telling you because I Want you to knoW it's not true about her and Arthur. Well, then Why Was she having a drink With him? She probably Wanted some legal advice. You knoW, because she got the infection in a restaurant. - A Vietnamese restaurant. - Not the one on K Street? SomeWhere in Virginia, and she Wants to sue them. Did she get it from the toilet seat or from something she ate? From the toilet seat, I guess. Although I'm not sure. - Maybe from the spring rolls. - Oh, God. Poor Thelma. - I feel so sorry for her. - Don't feel too sorry for her. It's curable. Eventually. Yeah, I think I should have a party for her. - What? - For Thelma. And the three of us should have lunch Wednesday to plan it. Wednesday I have to be in NeW York at the magazine. OK. Thelma and I Will have lunch Wednesday. We'll plan the party. It'll take Thelma's mind off her infection. You could start thinking about the menu. Take your mind off your pregnancy. - My mind isn't on my pregnancy. - Start thinking about the menu. - I Want my lollipop! - I'll get it. Thanks very much. Have a nice day. Oh, you knoW I Will. That's it, then. - We can have this When? - Monday. I don't see hoW you can feel that Way about raisins. - Rice pudding is a very personal thing. - Well, let's go With the illustrations. HoW Will you be able to handle this from Washington? I don't have to be here every day to run a rice pudding competition. - I'm fine. Really. - You look terrible. Well, I alWays look terrible When I'm this pregnant. No, you don't. Can I touch it? Yes. Feels like a basketball, doesn't it? - Did you feel that? - God. Jesus. What does that...? What's that feel like? It's sort of like I'm a drum, and I'm being played from the inside. It doesn't hurt or anything. Fare, please. Thank you. Dear Ms. Samstat, I am sending this to Washington, as I understand from your therapist that you are living there again. We caught the perpetrator, and he confessed. So it will not be necessary for you to appear in court. Sincerely yours, Andrew O'Brien. The diamond's loose. Thelma came over here yesterday. She's very angry at you, and so am I. She had lunch With Betty, and Betty told her that you said she had herpes. I never said herpes. Come here, you little mousy-pie. Yes. You must've said something to her. I said she had an infection. Mommy brought you a lolly. An orange lollipop. I'm sorry. Really, I am. Well, Thelma's furious at you. Thelma's furious at me? That's really rich. Listen, you bastard. You tell Thelma she comes here one more time, I'll tell Betty she has the clap! - Bullshit. - I'll get it into a gossip column too. "What hopelessly tall Washington hostess has a social disease?" "And We don't mean her usual climbing!" Mrs. Forman, Annie's lunch is ready. - Oh, Juanita. - I Want bottle noW. - Milk bottle noW? - Yeah. - Wanna play spider? - Yeah. The itsy-bitsy spider Went up the waterspout Down the rain And washed the spider out Up came the sun - And dried up all the rain - What's that? Mommy's glasses. Thank you, sWeet pea. Let's go eat lunch. The itsy-bitsy spider Want some corn? My corn. Here you go. Come here. Let me get you in. Hot? Hot? It's not hot. Oh, Mrs. Forman, I feel so bad for you. She come here yesterday. - I knoW that lady. She's no good. - I knoW. I knoW. I Worked for her ten years ago. What's Wrong With her? She's very messy. Juanita, Would you please ask Mark to come doWn for a second? - It's important. - Yes, Mrs. Forman. Love it? Yes? - Kitty-cat? - Yeah. Kitty-cat. What the hell is it noW? My Water broke. Dr. Appel is Waiting for us on the second floor. Hold still noW. Can you feel this, Rachel? No. I'm cutting noW. Tell me about When Annie Was born. Start When the doctor says, "There's something Wrong." The doctor took me aside in the labor room and said there Was something Wrong. They Were losing the heartbeat. Maybe the umbilical cord Was around her neck. And then We Went over to you, and he told you that the baby Was in distress. And you said: "Is our baby going to die?" And he said, "We're gonna do an emergency cesarean." And We took you into the delivery room. You Were very brave. I Was terrified. Then I Went out in the Waiting room. And there Was a man sitting across from me, eating a sausage pizza. In a feW minutes, the doctor came and took me in the delivery room. There Was Annie. Making funny noises. Like a little tiny dove. And they put her in my arms. And you Woke up and said: "Is that our baby?" That Was a great day. Baby's fine. Hi. - Oh, more floWers. - Yeah. Wait'll you see the cards. I made you my rice pudding With an enormous number of raisins. - Oh, I love rice pudding. - I knoW. Oh, hello. Juanita. Thanks for coming. I brought some paella. Look. - More rice. - Oh, Mrs. Forman. The baby's so beautiful. Isn't she? I knoW. She's... Did you...? Did you see the baby? Oh, yes. She's beautiful. - She looks just like Rachel. - Do you think so? I don't see it. What's that? Rice pudding. She loves rice pudding. I knoW. - So are you still being good? - Yes. Really. I do not ask, "HoW are you? HoW are We?" - "Do you still love her?" - "Do you still love me?" - "Is it over?" - "Is it ever going to be over?" "What did you give her for her birthday?" Oh, Was it Thelma's birthday? Yeah. Happy birthday. - You going to Betty's? - Yeah. What are you bringing? - ColeslaW. HoW about you? - Making key lime pie. OK. ThroW them in the back. Go ahead. I just have to tighten the setting a little. - It'll just take me a couple of minutes. - That's great. Here's your candy, kid. - You alWays loved this ring. - I knoW. So hoW did you like the necklace? The necklace? - I'm thinking of another customer. - No, you're not. I thought Mark had bought a birthday present When I Was in the hospital. He shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said anything. Oh, no, it's OK, Leo. At least I noW knoW What to be prepared for. Nothing Worse than opening a box With a necklace, When you're not in the mood for one. When have you ever not been in the mood for a necklace? I can think of circumstances Where I might not be. Really. All done. - HoW much? - No charge. HoW much Would you give me for the ring? You don't really Want to sell it? I really Want to sell it. Do you really Want to buy it? I alWays told you I'd buy this ring from you. Well, I love the ring, Leo, but it just... It doesn't go With my life noW. It Wouldn't have been stolen in the first place if I didn't Wear it on the subWay. If you have a ring you can't Wear on the subWay, you pretty much have to take cabs all the time. And then, before you knoW it, We're broker than We already are. Mark. He's such a romantic. He must have spent every penny of his savings on that necklace. For the doWn payment. For the doWn payment. - It's a beautiful necklace. - HoW much for the ring? I asked for a list of her friends, and she gave me 50 names. I Wasn't planning on something big, but What could I do? - You're having a party for Thelma? - And Jonathan. Next Saturday. - You're all invited. - We're on the list? Of course. Thelma knoWs you're my best friends. You knoW What's going on With her. Medical problems, legal problems, rumors their marriage is falling apart. You stand by people at a time like this. I don't Want them to be pariahs. The minute anyone hears your marriage is in trouble, - you may as Well have leprosy. - Who doesn't Want their green stuff? - Oh, here. - Slide it doWn. NoW, David and Harriet Kaiser. - I don't even knoW them. - You don't have to knoW them. Split. No, I just saW them together. Why do people alWays say that? You tell them someone split, and they say, "We saW them together." You tell them someone just died, and they say, "We just saW him alive." - I hate Harriet Kaiser. - She Wasn't so bad. - Never said anything. - Have I met her? - I did... I did think she Was a dyke. - Oh, Dmitri! HoW could...? Why didn't you tell me? I told you. And you said, "Don't be ridiculous." So... - Goddamn it. - Why are you mad at Dmitri? - Yeah. - Because she is a dyke. You see? - She left him for his secretary. - Holy shit. He lost a Wife and a secretary at the same time. Well, I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. HoW could you be together that long...? HoW long Was it? At least as long as Rachel and Mark, right? HoW could you be With someone that long, live With them, love them, enough to Want to marry them, and not knoW? - Oh, he must've knoWn. I kneW. - Well, he says he didn't knoW. - Come on. - HoW could he not? HoW could you be together that long and not knoW that? - Maybe it Wasn't true When they met. - Of course it Was true. Oh, you don't just start sleeping With Women, bang, like that. Oh, sure you do. It's like getting allergic to straWberries, right? You eat straWberries all your life, and then one day, bang, and you get hives. No, I do not believe people change that much. And don't tell me they do. Don't give me that NeW York psychological bullshit about hoW people are capable of change. They are not. Which brings me back to my question. HoW is it possible to live With someone and not knoW something so fundamental? It's possible. It is possible to... It is possible... ...Well, to love someone so much, or to think that you Want to love them so much that you just don't even see anything. You decide to love him. And you decide to trust him, and you're in the marriage. And you're in the... You're in the day-to-dayness of the marriage and... You sort of notice that things are not the Way they Were, but it's... It's a... A distant bell. And then When things do turn out to have been Wrong, it's not that you kneW all along. It's just that you Were... ...someWhere else. - You'd have to be living in a dream. - Yes. Yes. So... And then the dream dies. And the dream breaks into a million tiny little pieces Which gives you a choice. You can stick With it, Which is unbearable, or you can just go off and dream another dream. Can I have the car keys, please? By the Way, I Won't be able to come to the party for Thelma. Oh, shit. Go bye-bye. Bye-bye. Itsy-bitsy spider Went up the waterspout Down the rain And washed the spider out And up came the sun And dried up all the rain And the itsy-bitsy spider Went up the spout again - Again? - Yeah. Itsy-bitsy spider Went up the waterspout Come the rain |
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