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["Life's Been Good" by Joe WalsH playing] Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy picks up tHe free cHeese, OK? THis'll keep tHe sun out of your eyes. You be good, now. All rigHt, don't you fucking move, you little sHit macHine. Momma's gonna to try to score. [Carriage squeaks] WHat tHe Hell? Excuse me. WHo's watcHing tHese babies? UH, tHe fat one's watcHing tHe little one. OH, nice parenting. Leave tHem out Here like tHat and see wHat Happens. Yo, fuck you, you fucking square! Aw, keep on truckin'. Did you Hear tHat fucking guy... telling me How to fucking raise you? Motherfucker, man. WHo does He fucking tHink He is? WHat's tHe worst fucking tHing tHat could Happen to you... standing in front of a fucking store, rigHt? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck Mother, motherfuck, mother, motherfuck, fuck Motherfuck, motherfuck, noise, noise, noise 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 Noise, noise, noise Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz Doin' coke, drinkin' beers Drinkin' beers, beers, beers Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts Who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts Rollin' blunts and smokin'-- UH, let me get a nickel bag. Fifteen bucks, little man Put that shit in my hand lf that money doesn't show Then you owe me, owe me, owe Myjungle love, yeah Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe l think l want to know ya, know ya Yeah, what? WHat tHe Hell are you singing? You don't know "Jungle Love"? THat sHit is tHe mad notes-- written by God herself... and Handed down to tHe greatest band in tHe world-- tHe motHerfucking Time. You mean tHe guys in tHat Prince movie? BOY: Yeah, "Purple Rain. " THat sHit was so gay-- fucking eigHties style. [WHoosH, wHoosH] Hey! Don't never say an unkind word about tHe Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our wHole fucking lives... around Morris Day and Jerome. l'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy... and Tubby Here's my black manservant. WHat? MAN: What'd l tell you two... about dealing in front of the store? Now drop tHe kid and peddle your wares... someplace else, burn boy. And for tHe record, tHe Time sucked ass. Yo, youse guys wanna Hear sometHing fucked up... about Him and tHat Quick Stop boy? Are you even supposed to be Here today? Don't get me started. Hey, can't we do sometHing... about tHose two stoners Hanging around... outside tHe store all tHe time? WHy? WHat'd tHey do now? l'm trying to watch "Clash of the Titans"... and all l can hear is those two... screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. l thought the fat one didn't really talk that much. What, am l producing an A&E biography about them? Uh, two packs of wraps. Yo, how was the service? What service? The one at the Unitarian church last week... where you two got married to each other. What the hell are you talking about? Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding... and you tied the knot dressed like Stormtroopers. And he says you're the bitch, and you're the butch. l'm the bitch? Well, if we were gay, that's the way l'd see it. Will you shut up? BOY: Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over. Oh, that does it. l am going to do something about these two stoner fucks... l should've done a long time ago. Whoa! What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? We got a report of two guys... hanging around outside a store selling pot. We don't smoke pot, yo. No pot, huh? What do you use this for? What? l have a wiping problem. l stick those little pieces of paper... up my brown eye and bam! No shit stains in my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks... so that he can see the fucking stink nuggets. Pull up your fucking pants, sir--now! [Farts] OFFlCER: Let's go. Let's go. We're going down to the station. JAY: What, is it a fucking crime to fart? Motherfucker! BRODlE: No fucking way. Dante and Randall slapped you with a restraining order? Ain't that about a bitch? So, are you going to abide by the court's ruling... or are you going to go "Bandit," Reynolds style? JA Y: Thejudge said if we go within a hundred feet... of the stores, we get thrown into County. You know what they make you do in County? Toss the salad. l guess if you guys really wanted... to hang out in front of a convenience store... you couldjust buy your own now... what with all that money you guys made. Hell, yeah, bitch. Wait a sec. What money? The money from the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie. Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea... there's a movie being made... of the comic you two were the basis for. What? Since when? Here's the pulse, all right? And this is your finger-- far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel? You see, kids, if you read "Wizard"... you'd know that it's the top story this month. Check it out. JA Y: When the fuck did this happen? BRODlE: Well, after "X-Men" hit at the box office... all the studios started buying up... every comic property they could get... their dirty little hands on. Miramax optioned "Bluntman and Chronic." Miramax? l thought they only made classy pictures... like "The Piano" or "The Crying Game." Yeah, well, once they made "She's All That"... everything went to hell. So you're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut... of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards... used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie. Well, boys, l'm no lawyer, but l think Holden and Banky... owe you some of that proverbial phat cash. lfl was you guys, l would find Holden McNeil... and ask for my movie check. Shit, yeah. We gots to get paid. And on that note, we cue the music. -Mat mat mat -L-L-lum -Mat mat mat -Lip la -Mat mat mat -L-L-lum -Mat mat meal -Ma ma ma, ma ma-ma ma Well... look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bung! Ha ha ha! That was good. Come on in. So, what brings you two dirt merchants... to my neck of the woods? l'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. Where's our motherfucking movie check? You heard about that, huh? l got nothing to do with it. That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now. l sold my half of the "Bluntman and Chronic" rights... to him years ago. Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? Why in God's name would l wanna keep writing... about characters whose central preoccupation... is weed and dick and fart jokes? l mean, you got to grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? l know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. l look into his sorry doe eyes... and ljust-- l see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When, Lord? "When the fuck can your servant... "ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead... "to whom l am a constant victim of his folly... "so much so that it prevents him... "from ever getting to kiss a girl? "Fuck! When, Lord, when? "When's gonna be my time?" He knows. l'm the chucklehead? You're the fucking dumb-ass... who gave your comic away, and now you don't get... no fucking movie check, neither. When you're right, you're right. l wish l held onto a little piece of that thing... because if the buzz is any indicator... that movie's going to make some huge bank. What buzz? The lnternet buzz. What the fuck is the lnternet? The lnternet is a communications tool... used the world over, where people can come together... to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. Here's what we're looking for-- Moviepoopshoot.com. [Farts] Poop shoot. Yeah. This is a site populated by militant movie buffs-- sad, pathetic little bastards... living in their parents' basement... downloading scripts... and what they think is inside information... about movies and actors they claim to despise... yet can't stop discussing. OK, this is about "Bluntman and Chronic" right here. "lnside sources tell me... "Miramax is starting production this Friday... "on their adaptation of underground comic fave... "'Bluntman and Chronic."' Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us... in the movie? No, but it's Miramax... so l'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. You know, they put them in a bunch of movies. Who? You know, those kids from "Good Will Hunting." You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? Yeah, l wasn't a big fan, either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms." Word, bitch. "Phantoms"' like a motherfucker. What's up now? [Cracks neck] Ahem. All right. So, here we go. Now, this is the shoot-back section. This is where the people who read the news... get to chime in with their two cents. For example, we got a guy here... with the chick magnet net handle "Wompa One"... opining on what he thinks about "Bluntman and Chronic. " He says, "Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos... "Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all. "They don't deserve their own movie. " -He's got a point. -Fuck him. What's the next one say? This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses." "'Bluntman and Chronic' is the worst comic l ever read. "Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters-- "a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catch phrases... "like a third-rate Cheech and Chong... "or Bill and Ted. "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. "Fuck them up their stupid asses." Who the fuck said that shit? A guy who calls himself "Magnolia Fan." All right, here, check this one out. "Jay and Silent Bob are one-notejokes... "that only stoners laugh at. "They're fucking clown shoes." Mmm. "lf they were real, l'd beat the shit out of them... "for being so stupid. "l, for one, will be boycotting this movie. "Who's with me?" Then there's, like, fifty more posts... of people who are joining Spartacus's here boycott. l'm gonna kill all these fucks. Let it go, man. They're not talking about you guys. They're talking about Bluntman and Chronic. They said Jay and Silent Bob. They used our real names. lt doesn't matter if there's a comic book version of us... and a real version... because no one knows we're real in real life. Really? All these people reading that shit... think the real Jay and Silent Bob... are a couple jerkoffs... because of what all these dickheads are writing... about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob. Maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out... we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like... "Ooh, l wanna suck youse guys' dicks off"... and she's, like, "What's your names?" And l'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, l've read on the lnternet... "that fuckin' youse guys... "are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, fuck that. We gotta put a stop... to these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches... before they ruin our good names. First of all, l don't know how good your names are. Second of all, there's not much you can do... about stopping this bile. The lnternet has given everyone in America a voice... and evidently, everyone in America has chosen... to use that voice to bitch about movies. As long as there's a "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... the net nerds are gonna have something negative... to say about it. Well, wait a second. lf there wasn't a "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit... about Jay and Silent Bob, right? They're not saying anything about you now, OK? They're talking about fictional characters. Fictional characters. Am l--am l getting through to you at all? So all we gotta do is go stop... the fuckin' movie from gettin' made. Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... that you two would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? l don't think l'm alone in the world... in imagining this flick may be the worst idea... since Greedo shooting first. You know, it-- a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? But, since it appears inevitable... l recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down... and get yo' mother-fuckin' movie check... as you so succinctly put it... 'cause that's what's important, right? Um, no, Holden McNeil. The important thing here is a fuckin' bunch... of motherfuckers we don't even know... callin' us assholes on the lnternet... to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. Puttin' a stop to that is the most important thing... we could ever do. So when's this movie gettin' made? Uh, they start this Friday. So if today's Tuesday, that gives us... Eight days. Uh, three by my count, but close. JA Y: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie... from gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're goin' to Hollywood. Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit... to school every morning for free? This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't gettin' no rides? HlTCHHlKER: 'Cause you're doing it all wrong. You gotta give the driver a little incentive. Like how? Like this... Yeah, but what happens when they pick you up... and you don't make with the head? Don't they kick your ass to the curb? Sure, if you don't make with the head. Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me... a couple of hundred miles across the country... l'll take a shot in the mouth. Yeah, but we ain't gay. Don't be so suburban. lt's the new millennium. Gay, straight-- it's all the same now. There are no more lines. Well, there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay. Hey, all the hitchers do this. Why do you think people pick us up? lf you get a ride, it's expected. l don't care who the driver is. lt's the first rule in the book. What book? The unwritten book of the road. [Horn honks] Follow the rules of the book... and you get where you're going in no time. Excuse me. [Horn honking] [Tires screech] [Horn honks] SlNGER: l don't care ifit rains or freezes You both don't have to sit back there. Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me? Where are you boys from? JA Y: New Jersey, but we're on our way to Hollywood. Oh, Hollywood, huh? That's a long ways away. Yeah. Thank God you picked us up. Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says. Wait a sec. You follow the book, too? l live my life by it. You? NUN: Of course. So... you live by the Book, too? Well, you picked us up, didn't you? l gotta. Well, that's good to hear. But it's a lot easier to say that you live by the Book... than to actually do it. Can you do it? All right. JA Y: Mmm, mmm. [Nun screams] -NUN: Whoa! -[Thud] l can't believe this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood... to stop studios from making films about 'em... but when you and me try it... it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon. [Horn honks] [Ruff ruff ruff] Zoinks, yo. Now we can finally solve the mystery... of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are. l don't think they are masks. DAPHNE: And l don't think... that they're hitchhiking girls, either. Ghouls, you fuckin' moron, not girls. l wish they were hitchhiking girls-- sexy hitchhiking girls. FRED: Let's kick 'em out. We've got a mystery to solve. The only mystery here is why we take our cues... from a dick in a neckerchief. Keep it up, beatnik. l'll feed you to the fuckin' dog! l can't take all of this fighting! Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And l gotjust the thing for that. We call it... Doobie Snacks. STEPPENWOLF: l like to dream Yes, yes Right between the sound machine On a cloud ofsight l drift in the night Anyplace it goes is right, Goes far [Ruff ruff] To the stars away from here, well Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob. We can find [Laughs] -l think they passed out. -Great. FRED: What do we do with them now? Let's cut out their kidneys and sell it to the black market... and leave 'em in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. Aaah! No, no, no! You see something? See anything? Fuck, man, l had a horrible dream. Yo, man, l'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast? CHORUS: Who's a friend to the king of all the monkeys [Cow moos] Yeah. ["Mooby the Golden Calf" plays indistinctly] Ooh, check that shit out, man, the lnternet. Let's see if those fucks wrote something new... about us and that stupid-ass flick. [Gunshot on computer] [Mouse button clicks] "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob... "are gonna lick balls... "because they both, in fact, lick balls." Motherfucker. lt's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You all are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch... and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks... who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit... then shit out our shit... and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit... that we made 'em eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. [Gunshot on computer] JA Y: That'll show those fucks. Now we can eat our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin... then get back on the road... go to Hollywood, and stop those fucks... from makin' that movie. No more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye on the prize and let nothing... and l mean nothing, distract us. [Cow moos] Holy shit. BON JOVl: Your love is like bad medicine Bad medicine is what l need Whoa oh oh, shake it up Just like bad medicine There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease Bad medicine [Music stops] l ain't got a fever Got a permanent disease [Music stops] lt'll take more than a doctor To prescribe a remedy l got all the symptoms, count 'em, 1, 2, 3 First l need That's what you get for falling in love [Gasping] You get a little, but it's never enough On your knees That's what you get for falling in love Oh, my God. Do you get free refills with that? Oh, what, this? No, l use this for protection, you know... so no guys try to grab my shit or anything. Ha ha! Hi, l'm Justice. And l am so fuckin' yours. l mean, hi. l'm Jay... and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob. lt's nice to meet you. JA Y: Justice, huh? That's a nice name. [Quietly] Jay and Justice Sittin' in a tree F-U-C-K-l-N-G So, you come around here often? Oh, l'm not from around here. My friends and l are on a road trip. Your friends, huh? Where they at? JUSTlCE: Oh. Let's see. Out there by that van. RUN-DMC: Unconceivable, unbelievable Grammar like a hammer, information receivable Sent by the Lord, here and abroad With words that were thought they could retort For force because that makes run the boss So get lost because ljust tossed the poss Make way today, and ifl may, l say l make pay with Jay So get away, OK Hi. Dude, l think l just filled the cup. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Jay and Silent Bob are in the hiz-house. Who the fuck are these guys? This is Jay and Silent Bob. Guys, this is Sissy... Missy, and Chrissy. Here. Where the fuck did they come from? JUSTlCE: l met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride. SlSSY: Yeah, l don't know if that's such a good idea, Jussy. JA Y: Sure it is, Juggs. MlSSY: Oh, my God. He just called Sissy "Juggs." -l'm on it. -Chrissy, no. We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. Let's try and act like it. What's with the knife? We having cake or something? Shit. He's retarded to boot. Yo, she called you retarded. SlSSY: What is wrong with you, Justice? You do remember where we're going, don't you? And we have a job to do? They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. They won't get in the way, l swear. l swear, l don't know what's going on... in your fuckin' brain lately. Please? Look, fine. They can ride with us... but they are so out of here before we get to Boulder. -Honest lnjun. -[Mocking] Honest lnjun. Shut up. God, l can't believe what a pushover you are. l can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? Hey, what's all this talk about farting? WOMEN: Hi, Brent. This is Brent. He's with us, too. Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. Oh, of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart. What up, homies? Wow. Three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys? Let's rock. BRENT: Hey, Mr. Science Guy Don't spray that aerosol in my eye For l do-- For l-- l don't really wanna die l'm a noble rabbit What are you guys, like a cover band or something? We're the Kansas State chapter of SAAC-- Students Against Animal Cruelty. And we're on our way to Colorado... to give Provasik a piece of our minds. -Whoo! Yeah! -Whoo hoo! What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? Hey! Watch the language, little boy. There's females present. Huh. JUSTlCE: Provasik Pharmaceuticals... is a medical lab where they perform... gross experiments on animals. JA Y: What kind of animals are we talkin' about here? Bears, rhinos, and shit? No, more like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. Heck, even monkeys. lf we don't speak up for them, who will? Right, Jussy? Right, Brent. [Chuckles] Uh, Brent, can l talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, sure. [Sniffs] Be honest, yo, you're down with this... for the fine-ass pussy, right? [Scoffs] l'm down with this because l love animals, stupid. Even sheep? Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures. They are beautiful, aren't they? Oh, God, yes. So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right? What is your damage, little boy? You got a sick and twisted world perspective. No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. l mean, if you were another sheep... would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? Oh. Since you put it that way, you bet your ass l would. [lnhales] Thought so. [Chuckles] Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us! He said he'd fuck a sheep! Wait! No! Aaah! Unhh! [Guitar crunches musically] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker! PJ HARVEY: l can't believe life's so complex What the fuck are we gonna do now? Shut up, l'm thinking. ls Hollywood near where we're going? ls that where you guys are from? Yeah, right. Jersey represent. JUSTlCE: Oh. A Jersey boy. Well, what brings you all the way out here? We couldn't hang around the Quick Stop no more... 'cause of the restraining order... which sucks ass 'cause it's been like... mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kids. Silent Bob even busted his cherry there. You did? Oh, l bet she was a lucky girl. [Chuckles] Look, fuck that fat fuck. l'm trying to tell a story here. Oh. Sorry. Anyway, we were talking to Brodie... and he told us about the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie. So we went to see Holden McNeil... and he showed us the lnternet. And that's where we found... all these little fuckin' jerkoffs... talkin' shit about us. So we decided to go to Hollywood... and stop the movie from gettin' made. And now we're here. l have no idea what you just said. l get that a lot. So you like animals, huh? Sure. That's cool. Even snakes? Well, you can't exclude an animal... just 'cause they're not cuddly. Of course l like snakes. How 'bout trouser snakes? Ooh. What's a trouser snake? Uh... [Deep laughter] What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the setup. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. Girls like that kind of shit. [Deep laughter] Right about here's... where the angel's supposed to show up... and tell you not to pull your dick out... but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker... and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let him rip, boy. Jesus loves the little children Oh, sorry l'm late. So what's the deal here? Oh, shit. Don't tell me you're... thinkin' of whippin' your dick out... at this fine piece of woman, are you? Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob... and see if he thinks it's a good idea... you whip your dick out. [Choir singing] That's it, boy. Put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. l gotta go beat the shit outta... two sucker-punchin' little bitches. Remember, don't pull your dick out until she asks... or until she's sleepin'. Bye. Don't ask. So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself... do to help the animals? Oh, you really don't want to help us. What the fuck are you talkin' about? Sure l do. l'd do anything for you. l mean youse guys. l'd do anything for youse guys... 'cause for the lift and shit. JUSTlCE: OK, well, um... let me just talk to the other girls... and get back to you. Why don't you do that? l'll be right here waitin'. Fuck you, fatty. [Door chimes] -[Door chimes] -Thank you. Whew. [Sighs] Uh, you guys want anything from inside? -No, we're cool. -No? OK. Just isn't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is too fine. And she smells so fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body-- fuckin' smokin'. You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once... when l was talkin' to her... or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunch Box, she could be the one. Smooth move, Justice. -Nice going, four eyes. -Ow! Why the fuck did you let that little stoner... throw Brent out of the van? JUSTlCE: Oh, please. lfl had to listen... to one more of those stupid songs... l was gonna throw him out myself. We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember? We'll just find someone else. Besides, l didn't see you trying... to stop Jay from throwing him out. Yeah, l didn't want to blow our cover. Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs, too. Not as much as l hate you. We have a very simple gang here, Justice. l'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn... and Missy's the tech girl... but lately, l'm having a little trouble... figuring out what you're doing here. Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince... the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They've gotta break into Provasik now. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him... since he's so fucking in love with you. Jay? No, he's not. What am l, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van... like he was fucking Lord Byron? Well, maybe he just has manners. Yo, baby, you ever have your asshole licked... by a fat man in an overcoat? Yeah. We got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That'll give you plenty of time to work on him. -l'm not gonna do it. -Why the fuck not? Because he's just so innocent! Look at him. [Squeaking] Who's it gonna be, Jussy, him or us? Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem. lt's not stealing a monkey. l mean, it's liberating it-- Wait a second. Did you say "no problem"? Yeah. Fuck, we steal monkeys all the time. Right, Lunch Box? Well, it's not like it's a bad thing. l mean, it's for a good cause. Oh, it's for the best cause, ma cherie--the cause of love. Snoogans. -What the heck is that? -What's what? Snoogans, l believe it was. What the fuck do you think it means? -lt means l'm kidding. -Oh. Well, that's too bad. [Music plays quietly] l can't believe l'm gonna get some pussy For stealing the monkey Stealing the little monk-- lf l had known that shit earlier... man, l'd have been stealin' monkeys... since l was, like, seven and shit. Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are gonna get married one day... so don't be giving me no look like, "Oh... "we ain't gonna steal the monkey and shit." l'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. That girl-- that girl's in love with me. They're gonna do it. Good. They do their part, and we'll do ours. Oh, hey, remember. We meet back here when you're done. You sure you're OK with this? As sure as l am that you're the hottest bitch l ever seen. -Fucker! -Easy, tigress. What's twistin' this bitch's tit? Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"? How about not? What the fuck am l supposed to call you, then? Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice. Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck? [Justice laughs] OK, that's a start. [Chuckles] Jay, uh, before you go... could you say something into the camera about the clitoris? JUSTlCE: Man, you're such a bitch! Shut up, Justice. She's just a little embarrassed. See, Jussy and l are putting together this documentary... for our human sexuality class... and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. The female clitoris? Uh, yeah. Jay, you know, you don't have to do this. No, it's cool, hon. There's a few things l could say about the clit... l'd like you to hear. [Jay clears throat] l am the master of the clit! Remember this fucking face! Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. l make that shit work! No one rules the clit like me. Not this little fuck... none of you little fucks out there. l am the clit commander! When it comes down to business... this is what l do-- l pinch it like this. Ooh, you little fuck. Then l rub my nose... Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. -Oh, l will. -Girls. So, you think l could get a little kiss for good luck? Think l can get a little blow job for good luck? No. Go. Fuck. JA Y: Get offmy Kool-Aid, motherfucker! Jussy, come on. [Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh] They in? You could say that. Time to shine. Let's go. You are so gay. All right, once we get upstairs... l want complete silence. Missy whipped this up. lt counts our decibel level. lf it goes into the red-- alarm, we're dead. So that means not even the slightest noise. You got that? -l got it. -Good. [Beeps, clicks, buzzes] [Chuckles] Meow. Justice, move your ass! [Animal noises] Whoa. Check this shit out, Lunch Box-- animal tranquilizer. This shit fucks you up like Percocet. Hold this. Keep this shit, so later me and Justice... can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies. Unh, unh. Bong! [Animal noises] [Fart] JA Y: Suzanne. Boo-ya. Ah [Cracks neck] [Farts] [Buzzes] [Alarm blares] Holy fuck! The little stoner was right! Jesus. Move, move, move! Move ass! l can't believe it. Months of planning... and it's all blown by a fucking fart. You can't just leave 'em here like this. That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute. That's always been the plan, Justice. They take the heat off of us long enough... until we can get out of town. But-- -[Beeping] -Ha ha. Kaboom, you little stoner fucks. Let's go! lt's set! -Whoo! -Ow! -All right! -[Screaming] [Quiet grunting] What the fuck you lookin' at? There ain't no snacks here, man. Now, we got what we came for. Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, l know it's sad, man... but what are we supposed to do about it? [Cacophony of animal noises] Yo, just open the door! Oh, shit. [Sirens blaring] Drop the bag! Now! [Beeps] [Debris clattering] No. Justice. Justice! [Choir singing] [Horn buzzing] [Police radio squawking] You mind if l leave that... there? ls that... [Sighs] My, oh, my, oh, my. Who let the cats out, huh? Wait. ls that... MAN: Excuse me. Who the hell are you? Federal Wildlife Marshal. This investigation's now under my jurisdiction. Oh, really? And why is that? Because someone let a whole mess of animals... out of their cages, sir. We believe that was just a diversionary tactic... used to call attention away from the real heist... over here at the Diamond Exchange. [Chuckles] Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. OFFlCER: Sir... the Provasik people say they rounded up... all their animals except for one--an orangutan. The most dangerous animal known to man. Sir, this was just delivered to the station. What is--what is it-- what is it? A tape of the terrorists who claim responsibility... for the break-in. Do you have a VCR? JAY ON TAPE: l am the clit commander. Oh, my God. Plaschke, Willenholly. Yeah, look, l need you to get me on the national news pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing... with the two most dangerous men on the planet. This is Jussy's monkey. Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck! [Growls] Do something, Tons of Fun. Holy fuck. ls that thing waving at us? [Grunting] Holy shit, it understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. [Razzes] You're my fuckin' bitch. You get my back. Don't be taking this fuckin' chimp's side. What if there's more super monkeys up at that lab? Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there. Holy shit! Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files"... Roswell-style. [Razzes] JA Y: This little monkey... could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape... responsible for the fall of the human race. Aaah! JA Y: ln this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey... the monkey will spank us. l'm not even supposed to be here today. Aaah! JA Y: And after the fall ofman... these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes... and rebuilding the world in their image. [Monkeys screeching] Oh, when only those as super-smart as me... will be left alive to bitterly cry... you maniacs! Damn youse! God damn youse all to hell! Shit. Not on my watch, motherfucker. Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah! All right, you can live... for now. Did you see that shit, man? Bitches love me. Come on, let's get something to eat. [Razzes] What, man, we ain't hiding in the woods no more. We gotta get to Hollywood. Besides, we're in the clear, yo. lt's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. Bitch. [News theme plays] l'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive "News Now" bulletin. The Provasik animal-testing facility in Boulder... was the focus of an attack by a terroristic... primate rescue syndicate calling themselves... the Coalition for Liberation of ltinerant Tree-dwellers... or simply C.L.l.T. ln a videotape sent to authorities this morning... credit for the liberation of an orangutan... from the lab last night is taken by these men-- identified in literature that accompanied the tape... as Jay and Silent Bob. ln this chilling clip, they make it very clear... that they are in control of the C.L.l.T. [Distorted] We are the C.L.l. T. None ofyou are safe. Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader. l am the C.L.l.T. commander! Terrifying. Now here to help us explain this footage... is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. Marshal Willenholly, thanks for joining us. At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.l.T.? From the intelligence we've been gathering... we've discovered that the C.L.l.T... is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.l.A. Uh, the Liberate Apes Before lmprisoning Apes movement? Exactly. Now, the two men that you saw in the video... they go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. lf anyone out there should come across them... or any other C.L.l.T.ies, please exercise extreme caution. See? Told you that restraining order was a good idea. What response do you hope to elicit... by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.l.T.? lt's a difficult situation. You don't want to rub the C.L.l.T. the wrong way. Nights like this... -l miss dating a lesbian. -[Ring] ls that your cell phone, sir? Plaschke. Give me a friggin' break. l'm on my way. We've got 'em. They're in Utah. Citizens of Utah... stimulation of the C.L.l.T. is not recommended. Well, your plan worked. The news is all about Jay, Bob, and your C.L.l. T... with almost no mention of the diamond heist. l told you those two were the perfect patsies. Don't you have any regret? Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet. The only thing l regret is not gutting... that little trout-mouth prick like a fish... and playing twister with his vitals. Mmm! SlSSY: You know, l don't get you, Justice. You used to be all about this girl stuff-- stealing, boning, blowing shit up... and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. lt's really a fucking drag. We all gotta grow up sometime. Oh, ifmoping around over some boy you're crushing on is growing up... then pass me my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow! Yo, Marvelous Pizza coming thr--hey! Hi. You the gals that ordered the pizza? This dopey bitch ordered a large plain... but l could go for some hot thick Sicilian. No charge, lady. Hurry! [Barks] l'm sorry, Jay. You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey... so maybe we should keep it around. That way, we can honor her memory. Now ain't you glad we came here to eat? And you were all piss-scared... we'd get busted by the cops or something. You know what l say. Fuck the police Fuck, fuck, fuck the police Yo, yo, fuck the police Fuck, fuck, fuck the police Yo, fuck 'em COP ON MEGAPHONE: This is the Utah State Police. Boys, we know you're in there. Come on out with your hands in the air... and surrender the orangutan. Think they're talking about us? [Honking] Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire. Who the hell are you? Federal Wildlife Marshal. ls the monkey in there? -The ape. -What? Orangutan's a member of the great ape family. lt's not a monkey. Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here? Me or you? That's what l thought. Can l use your-- Jay and Silent Bob. Your C.L.l.T. doesn't stand a chance. Anyone not harboring... a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. We are going to open fire. [Patrons scream and chatter] What the fuck are you waiting for? Get out there and give him the monkey. Look, man, fuckin' maybe it ain't so bad up at that lab. Maybe they experiment on 'em by making 'em... fuck a bunch of different good-lookin' monkeys. -We don't know. -[Squeals] You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp. Fuck, man, l'm no strategist. You're the guy who makes the blueprints. l don't have the fuckin' smarts of a little... kid. Do not shoot! Don't shoot! We're just, uh, trying to take our son... out of this hostile environment. Their son? Maybe they're one of those gay couples. [Feedback] Yeah, we're gay... and this is our adopted love child. We're not from around here. Don't make us go back to our liberal city home... with tales of prejudice and bigotry... from in the heart of Utah. Oh, God, this is the last thing l need-- a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off... to the liberal media... that the Federal Wildlife Marshal office persecutes gays. Are you fuckin' crazy? Now, they may be gay... but that's not their son. That's the ape. l think l would recognize an ape if l saw one, OK? And the only thing l do recognize right now... is the political fiasco here that l'm about to avoid... by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. Ahh. You are free to leave, sirs. Yes, you sirs. -So we can just go? -Yes, sir. Please accept my apologies... for detaining you and your unorthodox... but constitutionally protected family unit. Un-fuckin'-believable. l might add that's one fine-looking boy... you're raising there. Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm. See, l knocked up this hot woman friend of ours... who l fuck on the side... so l'm not to be all the way gay... He loves the cock. Well, he certainly looks insatiable. -Bye-bye. -Bye-bye. [Monkey squeaks] Well, it's not my way, but l'll be damned... if there doesn't go one happy family. WlLLENHOLLY: All right, gang. Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner... and then, when the guys come out with the monkey-- Fuck beans! That was them, wasn't it? Shit, l said you love the cock. l gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive. [Gunshot] Flee, fat ass, flee! [Gunshots] Head for the sewer! Stage dive! Ohh! [Thud] [Squeaking] You fat fuck. Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. Suck it in! Think thin! Think thin! One rectal breach comin' up. -Suck it in! -Gaah! lncoming! Just like Winnie the Pooh. WlLLENHOLLY: Wow! That was just an incredibly daring escape. All right, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here. When l corner him, l'll call for backup. l'm counting on you, Sheriff. You've taught me so much. Ow. Ow. Ow! Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to the station house... and cornhole us a drunk. -Yeah. -Let's go. JAY: The whole fuckin' world's against us, dude... l swear to God! Put the monkey down and your hands up! Let's do, misters! You wanna get shot? l didn't think so. Look, man, she doesn't wanna go back to the lab. And for the record, l ain't gay. And for the record, while we're on the subject... l knew that that wasn't a real little boy. For one more record, he loves the cock. On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go! See, man? He's lined us up like fuckin' circus seals. Well, l'm goin' first. l don't want no mouthful ofmonkey spit... ifl gotta blow this fuckin' G-man. WlLENHOLLY: What are you talking about? Look, no one's gonna get blown-- -Dude! -Whoa! Shit! Wow! These guys are good. Very good. [Exhales] Yaaah! Hey, law dog! [Stops screaming] Hey! See you in hell, cock-smoker! Oh, fuck me! Aah! [Door closes] Hey! Get the fuck off her! That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey! JA Y: Hey! That monkey don't belong to you! Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey? Oh, yeah. Well, this fuckin' blows, man. We have one more day to stop these fucks... from shooting this movie... and they fuckin' took the one thing l had left... from the one woman l loved enough... not to stick my hand down her pants. What, go after the monkey? How the fuck do we know where that car's going? Don't just point like... Wh--you gotta take a shit. No, no, no, you gotta take a salad. What the fuck are you trying to say? Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions. You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time... but you can't spit out fuckin', "Yo, Jay, l disagree"... or "Yo, those are some good cheese fries." Just fuckin' say it already! The sign on the back of the car... said "Critters of Hollywood," you dumb fuck! Say it, don't spray it. SHERlFF: And might l add... that is one fine-looking boy you are raising. [All laugh] Well... if it isn't the wildlife expert. Heh. Your office faxed this over. Now, the guy said it was a post from an lnternet chat board... signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob." Ahem. "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. "You are the ones who are ball-lickers. "Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch... "and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we--" They're going to Hollywood. You see me driving down the street l look so fucking good What? lt's not like cheating. Justice blew up. JAY: All right, here's the plan. First we find out... where they're shooting this movie... and after we bust that shit up... we can start lookin' for the monkey. But before we do any of that shit... we gotta find a motherfucker in the know-- someone like the mayor of Hollywood. Crack? Want some crack? Get you high? No, man, but you want some weed? You on the job? Yeah, boy! Jersey Local 404. DEALER: Ho, ho, man! Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305. Oh, shit! What up? Aw, man, it's a small world! Hey, lemme ask you a question. You dudes gettin' on medical out there in Jersey yet? Shit, no. We might have to strike in September. Aw, man. "Norma Rae" like a motherfucker, huh? Yo, maybe you can help us out. You know where... they're shootin' a movie around here? PUMPKlN: You askin' me a question like that... in Hollyweird, man? You got to come... a little bit more specific than that. lt's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust it up... so people stop callin' us names on the lnternet... even though they're not really talkin' about us... but characters based on us. And at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend... who was killed in a car explosion's monkey. Man, l don't know what the fuck you just said... little kid, but you special, man. You reached out, and you touched a brother heart. So l'm gonna give you some direction. Gimme the map, Scott. Gimme the map, Scott! You know where Miramax is at? Miramax? Ha ha ha! ls Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office... tells us that a posting was pulled off... an lnternet movie chat board allegedly written... by the two domestic terrorists themselves. lt's sending a shockave through Hollywood. Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules? Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today... after the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office has learned... that hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob... have targeted Miramax Studios... for their next campaign of blood, violence... and monkey theft. ln a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com... the gruesome twosome threatened, and l quote... "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax"-- expletive deleted-- "who are making... "the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... "we're gonna make them eat our"--expletive deleted-- "then"--expletive deleted-- "out our"-- expletive deleted--"then eat their"--expletive deleted-- "which is made up of our"-- expletive deleted-- "that we made them eat." Unquote. So far we've been unable to get a statement... from anybody here at the studio. But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? None whatsoever... what Jay and Silent Bob even look like... so for all we know, they could already be on the lot. Shit! STEVE: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon... are shooting a project on the lot. Have you seen them roaming around? JULES: No, Steve, but... JUSTlCE: Fuck it. [Tires squeal] OK. He's got a pass. Let him in. We gotta play this just right. [Both whistling] Hey! You don't have a pass! [Blows whistle] Whoa! l hate how fake Hollywood is. Where do you think you're going? JA Y: Get off ofme! Don't. Echo Base, l've got a 1 0-07... two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup. RADlO: l thought that was a 10-82. No, sir, a 1 0-82 is disappearing a dead hooker... from Ben Affleck's trailer. RADlO: Ooh, that Affleck. Backup on the way. Hey, l'll make you a deal. This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. Heh. Contrary to what you believe... not everyone in the industry is a homosexual. How about this deal? He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off. All right. Make it fast...and sexy. lt's either this or jail... and you know what they do to you in jail. l was a guard. All right. And after it's all over, you say... "Oh, what a lovely tea party." What the fuck you waitin' for, bitch? Start suckin'. Bong-ing! [Bell rings] Worth a shot. Like a shot in your fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch. Ew, dude, you were really gonna suck my dick. MAN: All right, now, remember what l said. Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes... or you will be fired. Does everybody understand that? Thank you. You frosted your hair, though. Yeah, l frosted my hair, but it looks good. This has got to be the Bluntman flick. There's those two fucks from the Mork movie. Lips, teeth, tongue, or lion face? -Lion face. -BOTH: Ha! -Lemon face. -BOTH: Ooh. -Lion face. -BOTH: Ha! Lemon face. BOTH: Ooh. Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus? BEN: Gus? l'm busy. You're a true artist, Gus. Just take it from, "lt's a good course." -What, you're the director now? -Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy. Let's remember who talked who... into doing this shit in the first place. l mean, talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but this is-- Look, l'm sorry l dragged you away... from whatever gay serial killers... who ride horses and like to play golf... touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week. l take it you haven't seen "Forces of Nature." You're like a child. What do l keep telling you? You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture. Then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture... 'cause your friend says you owe him. Then sometimes you gotta go back to the well. Yeah, and sometimes you do "Reindeer Games." See, that's just mean. All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to 'em. Get over--OK, you, little kid, you're here. Your buddy's right here. Just stand there and react. Don't say anything-- especially you. All right, people! That's pretty funny. MAN: Lock it up, we're going for picture. Make it happen, guys. Get your fuckin' hands off me. Fuck off, will you? All right. On the count of three... we rush these fucks and beat the shit out of 'em... 'cause if they're all fucked up... they can't make that movie, right? Ready? 1 , 2, 3! MAN: "Good Will Hunting 2, Hunting Season"... scene 1 6, take 5. -Think about the paycheck. -OK. So, action, Gus, or... Jesus, Ben, l said l'm busy. Busy. -Ahem. -[Crowd noise starts] Yeah, l do remember the class... but frankly, l found it rather elementary. l remember that class. lt was just between recess and lunch. Are we gonna have a problem...again? l was still just hoping you might be able... to give me a little insight into the Southern colonies! See, Wood says-- What'd l say? What'd l tell you? You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. But you forgot about Vickers. No, l just read Vickers, so l'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting. But you're no longer the angry, brilliant young mind... you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations. No, you stopped hitting the books... with a vengeance, and now l've read shit... you haven't even heard about yet. Face facts, my friend. You're just no longer that good...Will Hunting. [Laughter] Now how do you like them apples? l don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do? -Chuckie? -Yeah? lt's hunting season. Applesauce, bitch. [Whistle blowing] Sorry to interrupt, sirs... but we've got a 1 0-07 on our hands. Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben? No, bullshit! 'Cause l wasn't with a hooker today. Ha ha! There they are! Affleck, you da bomb in "Phantoms," yo! GUARD: Get 'em! -[Tires screech] -Watch it! [Thunder] [Telephone rings] [Thunder] Aah! SHANNEN: All right, you bastard. Let's see who you really are. [Pbbt] -[Pbbt] -Fucking Miramax. Cut! [Bell rings] Shannen, usually l say cut. A monkey, Wes? l mean, Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you? What? The market research says people love monkeys. We love this monkey! Do somethin'. See? There they are. There they are. There they go. There they go! [Yelling] Punch it! GUARD: Fuck! GUARD: Those are some magical guys. [Whistles] -Aah! -Aah! Ew, dude. l fuckin' knew it, man. You love that shit, don't you? Holy shit, that looked like it hurt. A-are you guys all right? Let's get you guys on your feet. Come on. Hey, wait a second. Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie? JASON: You see, man? You see? lt's never--it's never... "Hey, hey, you were in 'Loser,' weren't you?" Or "Dude, you rocked in 'Boys and Girls."' No, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie. -l'm haunted by it! -You put your dick in a pie. Enough! l'm Jason Biggs. Yo, man, did you really get to third base... with that Russian chick like in the movie? You mean Shannon? No. Man, she is fuckin' fine. lf l was you, l would've been like... [Grunting softly] You like that? You like that? What, you never did one of these? Wait, wait, none of that. Oh, yeah. Done plenty of that, my friend. Holy shit, you're the Dawson. James, actually. James Van Der Beek. What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? lf l was you, l would've drowned-ed his ass... in the creek and shit. You actually watch that show? Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to third base with her? Actually, there was this one time-- Wait a minute. Who are you guys? They're our stunt doubles, dumbass. -R-right? -Of course. Stunt doubles for what? For the movie that we're shooting in about 1 5 minutes? "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back"? Yeah, you're doubling me, obviously. l'm playing Bluntman, a.k.a. Silent Bill. -Bob. -Right. And, uh, and-- and he's playing Chronic... -a.k.a. Ray. -Jay. Fuck! Biggs, you even read the script? There's a script? JAMES: Listen to me--you would last a day on the "Creek. " JASON: A day? Wait a second. We'll be right back. JASON: Fuck you and your "Dawson's" crap. Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell. JAMES: At least call me the right character. These are the fucks that are playing us here. You take 'em out-- biggety bam--no movie. Useless little ape. W-what's with the weird gay huddle going on over there? JAY: Let me put my arm over yours. Gay? What's gay about it? lt's two guys talking in a corner, dude. -Yeah, but-- -Why are you such a homophobe? A homophobe? You're always like, "Oh, that's gay, man." "Oh, look at that gay huddle." "Look at that gay dog." Dude, that is so gay. l-- Yeah, see? [Mutters] -l love gay people, OK? -l'm sure you do. [Pbbt] Oh, look at the monkey! You're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh? Look, he's so cute. So cute! -Whoa! -[Screeching] All right, you go in there, start swinging. Don't stop until these little young Hollywood fucks... are out of commission. Ready? Break. [Thud] [Monkey grunting] That's one funky monkey. [Banging on door] Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security. There are two intruders on the lot. They crashed through a window we believe might be yours. Uh, yeah, they're in here. Do they have you held hostage? Do you want us to call your publicists? No, uh, we kicked those guys' asses bad. Real bad! Well, great job, sirs. lf you'll let us in... we'll take over from here. Um, no, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here--butt naked. Together. Oh. OK. Well, we'll wait out here till you clean up. JA Y: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna... get out ofhere without them fuckin' seeing us? You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anybody watch the WB? l'm a teen idol, damn it! Don't you recognize me? Look at me! l'm the pie fucker! Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie. [All laugh] This was a good idea, Lunch Box. ln these outfits, we're totally incognito. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek! Great. Looks like you've changed costumes already. Let's get you to the set. The director doesn't like to be kept waiting, OK? Silent Bob! Look at all these crackers. $70 million, l can't even get a black grip. lt's a shame. lt's a damn shame. Here's your coffee, sir. -You spit in this? -l didn't spit in it, sir. Any boogers in it? There's no boogers in it, sir. You went to film school, didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man... running a big old production... like this, huh? You went to film school. Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? lt would kill him, wouldn't it? There's no boogers in it, sir. Then taste it. Taste it! Taste the booger flavor. l know it's in there. lt's all good, sir. No, it ain't all good! Now clean that shit up. That's right. Get me a white boy. Get me a blonde-hair white boy, so l can enjoy that shit. You the man, sir. No, you the man, and that's the problem. BANKY: Uh, Chaka? Yeah. Hi, l'm Banky Edwards... the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back. l'm the executive producer. Oh, you the executive producer! Why don't you executive produce me a latte? De-cracker-nate it, ok, Fucky? -lt's Banky. -No, it is Fucky. l wanted you to know that l respect your work as an artist. l'm something of an artist myself. l--l was the inker on the comic book. Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK? Nobody else got the heart to tell you. You trace. You go around the lines. You are a tracer, OK? You think Fat Albert had a tracer? No! Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a ruler... and it was excellent! [Sniffing] Crack-crack-cracker? Crack? Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. Well, l don't see 'em! Where are the stars of this piece of shit? Damn, this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks. Get out of my way, man. What the fuck is that? Look at this. A gay hood ornament... and "The Color Purple. " Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am l? l'm the director! Chaka Luther King, that's who the fuck l am. No, wait a second. l thought Banky and Holden created this shit. And l'm stealin' it. l'm takin' it back for the black man... to make up for all the shit... that you motherfuckers are takin' from us. Do you know that l came up with the idea for "Sesame Street"? l came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. l was gonna call it "N.W.P."... "Niggas With Puppets." Catchy, ain't it? All right, enough of this small talk. -Let's shoot. -Wait a sec. Aren't you gonna direct us? Man, l will direct you to the unemployment line... if you don't stop backtalking me, OK, cracker? We don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script. Hey, it ain't that hard, man. l film the motherfucker, right? Then l yell "Cut." Then l run the fuck out ofhere... go to my trailer, 'cause l got more white girls in there... than the first lifeboat on the Titanic... and they all want a part in my movie... and l got just the part for 'em. So you ready to do this? All right! Let's roll with the new. MAN: All right, quiet on the set, everyone. Quiet on the set! Picture's up! l got you new coffee, sir-- booger-free. Get that shit the fuck out of here. You guys look pretty badass. [Bell rings] "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back"... scene 37, take one. What are we waiting for? Action! Um...snootchie bootchies? What the fuck? MARK HAMlLL: Heh heh heh heh. You thought l'd never find... your precious Blunt-cave, did you, Hempknight? But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp... of Cock-Knocker! Ha ha! Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha ha! You're gonna love this. True story. Whoa! Avenge me...Hempknight. l think George Lucas gonna sue somebody. Any last words before l bust your balls, Bluntman? -Whoa! -Wow. [Bubbling] Dance, pie-fucker! Damn, these white boys can't fight. Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son. Yo, bitch fist! Call me Darth Balls. Bong! Good Lord. Hey, that wasn't in the script. [Bubbling] [Brakes screech] So this is Hollywood? Well, then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. [Bell rings] Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! Aah! My God! Ohh. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone. That was supposed to be a warning shot. l'm obviously on the wrong set. Um, is he gonna be OK? Uhh... Not good. MARK: Ho ho ho. You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. Man, this movie's gonna make "House Party"... look like "House Party 2." Or "House Party 3." -Shut the fuck up. -Yes, sir. Chaka! Call off Dawson, will you? Chaka! Can l get a cut here? Uhh! Not again. Now whose balls have been busted, bitch? MARK: All right, that's it. l am out ofhere. Chaka, l'll be in my trailer. -[Gunshot] -What the fuck?! C.L.l.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob! Another white boy in this movie? Damn! Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool. Go back to making your adult movie. These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization... wanted for the abduction of a little monkey. They didn't really steal that monkey. lt wasjust a diversion so that we could steal these. And they're not the leaders of the C.L.l.T. The C.L.l.T. is not real. No, no, no. No, the C.L.l.T.'s real. The C.L.l.T.'s real all right. lt's the female orgasm-- that's the myth. You know what l'm talking about? Are you guys all right? l thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck. You remembered! Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay. Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and l are international jewel thieves. We were setting you up to be a patsy... but l couldn't go through with it because l-- because l love you. Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right? Of course. SlSSY: lfshe does, it'll be considered necrophilia... because she's gonna be one dead bitch. Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time? You should have just let these guys go down, Jussy. l wanted to go down, but this angel... popped on my shoulder and was, like, "Listen." And l was, like, "What's up?" Shut the fuck up before l shoot you... where you stand in your pansy red booties. Holy shit, l am wearing pansy red booties. Why the fuck didn't you tell me? Let's have those diamonds, Justice. l can't do that, Sissy. Then lover boy gets one in the fucking brain. CHAKA: Yo, lovely ladies! Would any of y'all like a private audition... to be in my movie? Bring that ass over. Come on! -Ow! -[Gunshots and screaming] WlLLENHOLLY: Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh, fuck me! Ha ha! Crazy crackers with guns? Time for me to get my black ass out of here. You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away... for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. What's it gonna be, Sissy? Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? Are you kidding me? l taught you all your moves myself. There's no style you can bust that l can't defend against. You're no match for my Shao Lin Monk. Yeah, but l'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger. -A little Venus Flytrap? -l'll counter with Dragon Queen. How about a little "Bitch, My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?" Bring it on. Aah! [Screaming] Fucking stupid bitch! Yo, l hope one rips off the other one's shirt... and we see some fuckin' titties... floppin' around and shit in the air. Yeah! Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, l just wanted to say hi. l'm-- Banky fuckin' Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see! Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here? Why the hell are you shooting at me? Two reasons. One--we're walkin', talkin' bad-girl cliches! -And two--because you're a man! -Aah! Only on the outside. Stop the movie? Are you crazy? All these assholes on the lnternet are calling us names... because of this fucking stupid movie. That's what the lnternet's for-- slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that! This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, l fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at... and l got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts... by a guy named Cock-Knocker! You know what? l feel for you boys, l really do. But Miramax-- you know, Miramax Films-- paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic"... so it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you... on some website is none of my fucking concern! Oh, but l think it is. -Ow! -Ow! We had a deal with you on the comics, remember... for likeness rights... and as we're not only the artistic basis... but also, obviously, the character basis... for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic"... when said property was optioned by Miramax Films... you were legally obliged to secure our permission... to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position. Yeah. [Screaming] You guys are gonna ruin my movie career. Well, we want something for our mental anguish. Tell you what-- we'll settle this monetarily. l'll give you half of what l make. -Half? -Half's not good enough? Fine. l'll give you two-thirds of what l make. Fuck you. You already said half. You can't take it back. Done. Your shit is so tired, Justice. Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck... bitch. Hyah! BOTH: Aah! Hello? Truce? [Panting] l think l killed both of them. l am an excellent marksman. l've always-- -[Gunshot] -Oh...God. [Pbbt] Come on, you guys. lt's over. You all right, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck? l was just about to jump in and fuckin' get your back. -Uh-huh. -[Sirens] Holy shit, the cops. We gotta get out of here. No, no, no. l'm tired of running. Oh, Marshal. Hey, you awake? Wake up, Marshal. -Oh. -Are you OK? Oh, my God, l'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh, sweet irony! You're not paralyzed. lt was just a tranquilizer. Oh, Jesus! Ow! Tranked by a little monkey! My friends in the Bureau... are never gonna let me hear the end of this. You have friends in the FBl? Uh-huh. They all made it in, but l failed the exam. Why the hell else do you think l became... a Federal Wildlife Marshal? l'll tell you why! Because l'm a joke! JUSTlCE: Maybe not. l can make you a deal that will get you into the FBl... regardless of test scores. What kind of deal? You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob... and say you never found the ape. ln exchange, l will give you the diamonds we stole... and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy, and myself. But l want a reduced sentence. You'd be willing to do that? For him, l'd be willing to do anything. l'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. That's all right. l'm a junkie with a monkey. lf l go to prison, will you wait for me? l don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out? Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out? Snoogans. [Pbbt] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room. Regardless of what you may have heard... l do not kiss guys. OK. Play it cool, hotshot. [Both laugh] Sorry, Justice. We gotta go. Hey, stop stealing monkeys. -Fuck you. -Fair enough. Wait for me. What, here? [Laughs] Well, boys, you're rich, in love-- Well, you're in love. To top it off, you got your own monkey. What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? Well, to have these fucks stop talking shit about us... on the lnternet for starters. What have l been telling you? There's not much you can do to stop that. Well, short of showing up at all their houses... and beating the shit out of them, l guess. You know, with all the money we're making, man... we could buy a lot of plane tickets. How many people want to kick some ass Yeah? Do you post as "Magnolia Fan" on Moviepoopshoot.com? Yeah. Did you write... "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. "Fuck them and their stupid asses"? Yeah. A while ago. So? How many people want to kick some ass l do, l do And how many people are sick ofholding it back l want... On Moviepoopshoot.com... did you say Jay and Silent Bob are-- quote--"fucking clown shoes, and if they were real... "l'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"? -Yeah. -Really? How many people are sick ofholding it back l am, l am How many people want to kick some ass How many people want to kick some ass How many people want to kick some ass What you gonna do When you're sick ofholding it back That's right. That's it. Uh-huh. Right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Right. Right. l think l'll kick some ass How many people want to kick some ass l would ifl could But l'm reallyjust a sensitive artist l'm reallyjust a sensitive artist That's beautiful, man. Now that was worse than "Clash of the Titans." l can't believe Judi Dench played me. Heh. Remind me to renew that restraining order. Why? 'Cause l'm gonna blast that flick on the lnternet tonight. Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie? -Tell 'em, Steve-Dave. -Would you stop saying that? Well...that was just another paean to male adolescence... and its refusal to grow up. Yeah, sis, but it was better than "Mallrats." At least Holden had the good sense... to keep his name off of it. Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead... the one with you and him and your "relationship"? What, "Chasing Amy"? That'd never work as a movie. But-- l'm so fucking embarrassed. Well, honey, you should be. Took your characters and turned them... into one 90-minute-long gay joke. lt's like watching "Batman and Robin" again. Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy... who pretends to be Shaft... as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. Uh-uh. l don't hear you complaining nightly. l don't get out to the movies much... but l just have to say "Bluntman and Chronic"... was blunt-tastic. Are these leg cuffs really necessary? [Laughs] Don't make me shoot you, Justice. Yo! The party's across the street... featuring the greatest band in the world! Morris Day and the Time! Ooh ooh ah ah ah! [Music playing] l l've been watching you l think l want to know you Know you l said, l l'm a little dangerous Girl, l'd love to show you Show you Myjungle love Oh O-ee-o-ee-o l think l want to know you Ohh Jungle love Yeah O-ee-o-ee-o Girl, l'd love to show you Show you Wait a minute You You got a pretty car l think l want to drive it Drive it l ain't playin', baby l said, l Drive a little dangerous l'll take you to the crib, rip you off Jungle love, look out Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah l think l want to know you Ohh, jungle love Yeah, o-ee-o-ee-o Girl, l'd love to show you Oh, wait a minute -Jerome -Morris? l think we need to funk them up again All right, we'll turn that shit around Yes, good call Huhh! Mmm. And l'll be, like... "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? "The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, l've read on the lnternet... "that youse guys are a couple of little fuckholes." Ha ha ha! [Music playing] Yeah, l got a bearskin rug, y'all sing it O-ee-o-ee-o l got a fireplace, yo, l can't hear ya O-ee-o-ee-o Well, l'm all the way live L.A. O-ee-o-ee-o Oh, the things l can do to you Play it [Cheering] Yeah Whoo! [Cheering] lt's like l don't care about nothin', man Roll another blunt Yeah Ooh ooh ooh Aw, cool [lnhaling] La da da da da da Yeah, yeah La da da da La da da da La da da da La da da daaa Yeah l was gonna clean my room Until l got high l was gonna get up and find the broom But then l got high My room is still messed up, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l was gonna go to class Before l got high Come on, y'all, check it out l coulda cheated, and l coulda passed But l got high l'm taking it next semester, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high, because l got high Go to the next one l was gonna go to work But then l got high Ooh ooh ljust got a new promotion But l got high La da da da da da Now l'm selling dope, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l was gonna go to court Before l got high l was gonna pay my child support But then l got high No, you wasn't They took my whole paycheck, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l wasn't gonna run from the cops But l was high l'm serious, man l was gonna pull right over and stop But l was high Now l'm a paraplegic, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l was gonna pay my car note Until l got high Say what, say what l wasn't gonna gamble on the boat But then l got high Now the tow truck's pulling away, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l was gonna make love to you But then l got high l'm serious l was gonna eat yo pussy, too But then l got high Now l'mjacking off, and l know why Turn the shit off Yeah, 'cause l got high Keep going Hey, do that over, man La da da da da da da l messed up my entire life Because l got high Go, go, go l lost my kids and wife Because l got high Say what, say what Now l'm sleeping on the sidewalk, and l know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l got high Because l got high Because l got high La da da da da da da l'm gonna stop singing this song Because l'm high Present tense l'm singing this whole thing wrong Because l'm high And ifl don't sell one copy l'll know why Why, man? Yeah, 'cause l'm high 'Cause l'm high 'Cause l'm high Are you really high now, man? La da da da da da He really is high, man Shoop shoop shooby doo wah Getjiggy with it Skippedy be bop doo wah Oh, bring it back, bring it back, bring it back La da da da da da Lee doo doo doo doo Say what, say what, oh 'Cause l'm high 'Cause l'm high 'Cause l'm high [Clucking] Yo, my name is Afroman, and l'm from East Palmdale And all the weed l be smokin' is farmer's hay Excellent delivery l don't believe in Hitler, that's what l said Oh, my goodness So all ofyou skins Skins? Please give me more head Motherfuck, ha ha [Clucks] Afro-motherfuckin'-m-a-n M-a-n Yeah, yeah, yeah Unh, unh A-E-l-O-U And sometimes W We ain't gonna sell none of these motherfuckin' albums Let's go back and hang some more chickens, cuz Fuck it Fuck the corporate world, bi-yatch! JA Y: Snoogans. JUSTlCE: What the heck is that? JA Y: What the fuck do you think it means? lt means l'm kiddin'. [Choir singing] [Thump] |
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