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Joey 1x01 - Pilot

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By Fadi Salameh
Where am I taken ya?
Uh, I got it here some place.
Itís my sisterís place.
She was supposed to pick me up, but sheís kinda not all there ya know?
The address?
Right! Right, right.
So, you here visiting family?
Well, no Iím an actor.
Iíve been in New York,
but I got offered work in LA
and I think itís time for me to take my shot.
Kinda scary. I mean,
I left my whole life behind but I think itís a smart move. Ya know,
if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to LA, to Hollywood.
So what are you doing here in Dallas?
I did have a layover in DallasÖ
Oh thank god!
Oh my god, Joey!
Hey Gina!
Oh, my brother the star!
Days of Our Lives!
- Not anymore. - Formerly!
- Itís so good to see you. - Oh, I know, I missed you so much.
Wait a second, wait a second.
You look different.
Oh, I forgot. You havenít seen Ďem.
What do you think? Theyíre new!
I went up three cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant.
Come on, touch Ďem.
Uh..letís get my bag. Iíll feel ya up in the car, I promise.
So, tell me about the big new job.
Oh, well uh, it all started when I got this new agent,
this lady is a shark.
And that means sheís a good agent not an actual shark.
I know that.
Yeah, I did too.
Anyway, she got me offers from two new shows!
Wow, what are they?
Well the first oneís about a bunch of male nurses,
and I wasnít really crazy about that one. I mean,
Iíve already been a brain surgeon.
I donít think my fans would buy me as a nurse.
Well they bought you as a brain surgeon. Theyíre pretty understanding.
Okay, well it doesnít matter alright, Ďcause the other show
is about a cop, and Iím the star!
Oh and also, itís for cable.
So thereís a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing.
I am so proud of you.
So, how many bags are we looking for?
Just one. The rest of my stuffís on a moving truck,
and I gave them your number. The companyís called Movers and Shakers.
They cost a little more, but man,
that name cracked me up.
Oh no, wait, that was my bag!
Itís okay. Hold on.
Sir, could you grab that bag?
Thank you.
Well they do get things done.
I think I like LA.
I thought you and Chandler shoulda moved out a long time ago.
Itís a very vibrant gay scene.
Chandler and I are not a gay couple!
Okay, this is it;
your new home.
Oh my god!
Yeah? Yeah, oh, Gina itís awesome!
Thank you for finding this, oh, I love it!
Good, Ďcause if you didnít I was gonna lie and tell you
Tom Cruise used to live here.
Tom Cruise lived here?
Sure he did hunny.
Oh let me show you the best part!
Check this out.
Here, sit over here and lean back.
Look over there.
Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign?
That is the ďollywooĒ sign.
I can see the ollywoo sign!
And into that womenís bathroom,
and now she sees me looking. Hey neighbor!
Whatís the matter?
I just,
I canít believe Iím here, ya know. It doesnít,
it doesnít feel real.
And neither do those.
Gina Tribbiani, Hairdresser to the stars.
It sounds better than ďHairdresser to mostly DominicansĒ
Yeah hunny.
Come on up.
Itís my Michael. Heís parking.
Oh, great! Say, what is Michael now, 20?
Yeah, donít I look incredible for the mother of an adult son?
Thatís a good thing about having a kid so young.
Yeah, you rarely hear the argument for teen pregnancy.
Hahaha. Michael is so excited to see you again.
Oh, and by the way, I told him I had him when I was 22.
I donít want him to think his motherís a tramp.
Uncle Joey!
Hey! Wow. Whoa man,
I still think of you as a little kid. So much for
these wings I picked up on the airplane.
Oh, no, Iíll still take Ďem.
Oh, well, I was just going to show Ďem to yaÖ
Tell your uncle Joey what youíve been up to lately.
Well uh, now that college is done,
Iím just doing some grad work over at Cal Tech Center
for simulation of dynamic response materials.
Can you believe he came out of me?
Actually right now weíre designing a mock-up for an escape module for the
international space station.
Haha, what are you, a rocket scientist?
Oh, oh,
so hey. How do you like living at school?
Oh no, I still live with Mom.
Oh man!
That is nice!
Shut up, we have fun. Tell him we have fun.
We do have fun. We have a lot more in common
than most moms and sons, Ďcause she had me
when she was just like 22, so-
Right, oh yeah, yeah. 22,
thatís why we had to change churches.
Michael whereís the lasagnas?
Oh, I left it in the car.
Oh Iíll get it. Look at that,
so much going on up here, he canít even remember the lasagna.
Wow, we are different you and me.
So, come on. What else is going on?
Well actually, Iím thinking about moving out.
- Oh yeah, where? - Here with you.
Iím 20 year old, man. I shouldnít be living with my mom.
Everyone at school makes fun of me.
And itís not like these are the cool kids. Theyíre not quarterbacks.
Uh well, why do you want to live with me?
Well, this may not be a big selling point,
but I have no rent. And I mean also,
youíre my cool uncle Joey. Living with you,
that would just, you know..
Yeah, break your motherís heart.
I know. I know,
but I mean, itís gonna happen sometime.
I just have to get out of there. Have you seen the breasts?
See Ďem? She made me touch Ďem!
Whoa! Itís actually not that big of a drop.
Hi. Some first impression, huh?
Oh, actually I got my first impression last night.
I saw you out here practicing your (Unsure) Judo?
Oh, that wasnít Judo. I had a bee on me.
Iím Alex. I live next door.
Really? Iím Joey.
Hi. So you just moved out here?
Yeah. Yeah, from New York.
Uh, Iím an actor.
Aww, thatís so cute. You think itís a big deal to be an actor.
Everybody out hereís an actor.
That guy in that apartment...
Porn Actor.
Yeah, he lives above me.
Itís not the best.
Oh, so I guess if everyone hereís an actor, that means youíre an actor too?
Oh no, actually Iím a corporate lawyer.
Wow. What is that?
I represent greedy businesses. I make the world just a little bit worse.
Were you on Days Of Our Lives?
Ah, took you a minute but you recognized me, huh?
Iím wearing my Days Of Our Lives shirt, arenít I?
Yeah, I did the soap thing, but Iím out her to move beyond that.
Iím actually a very serious actor, yeah.
ďRomeo! Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo?Ē
That was Romeo.
Actually, that was Juliette.
Yeah well Romeo doesnít start a speech saying ďOh Romeo, Romeo.Ē
Iíve done that for like a million auditions!
Blue Wall, Scene C, Take 2.
I canít believe Iím on a set.
I feel like I should be networking. Let me go talk to the director.
So, it must be pretty cool seeing your uncle star in his own show, huh?
Not as cool as it would be to see my roommate in his own show.
Uh yeah. Michael about that, come here.
I donít think itís a good idea.
Why not?
I donít want to get between you and your mom alright?
I canít have her mad at me.
When we were kids, she used to torture me.
She hit me all the time.
She used to hold me down and force me to say ďI am gay for David Cassidy.Ē
Whoís that?
David Cassidy? From The Partridge Family, really good-looking
Ėugh the point is!
I donít want her mad at me. Okay, Iím sorry
Itís okay. I understand.
Alright, good.
You are not gonna believe this!
The director thought I was an actress!
Sure, thatís Ďcause you got big fake boobs and youíre crazy.
I love it out here!
Sunny, and 72 degrees every day.
I wonder what itís like in New York.
Poor bastards.
- Hey.
Oh hey Alex. This is my sister Gina.
Alex lives right next door.
you have very beautiful hair.
Oh, thanks.
If you ever wanna sell it, you give me a call.
Hey! I liked that girl.
Donít be trying to buy her hair!
She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani,
or at the very least, the future
awkward situation.
Ooh, itís my agent, the shark.
Hi Bobbie.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, ok, bye.
My show is dead!
Itís not even gonna air!
Oh my God, did they say why?
People thought it was disgusting.
Geez, you defecate on one corpse!
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I canít believe this.
How could I go from having two shows to
having nothing?
Do you think you shoulda done the other show?
The Nurses thing?
Oh no way.
I mean, my show didnít go,
but believe me. No one is gonna watch a show about nurses.
Iím with Sam Baxter, one of the hunky stars of the new hit show Nurses.
Now, Sam, was it true that you werenít exactly the first choice for the role?
Well thatís right. The producers had originally offered the role to someone else;
an actor by the name of Joey..Tribaney.
Well wherever he is, Iím sure Joey Tribaney
- is kicking himself. - Tribbiani!
Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself!
Hey, what are you doing here?
Mom told me youíd be clearing out your dressing room today, so I figured Iíd
come by and cheer you up.
Aw, what are you cooking?
Uh, spaghetti and meatballs. Itís Grandmaís recipe.
It always makes me fell better.
Mom made it for me this one time,
this one time I got a B.
Oh, I got a B once.
Cheated my ass off.
So, was today hard?
Yeah, I canít believe it.
A week ago I was the star of my own show,
and now Iím the guy who turned down Nurses.
Which is strange, because in real life I would never turn down a nurse.
So what do you do now?
I got a meeting with my agent later to figure out some kind of game plan.
Hey, theyíre making a new Indiana Jones movie,
maybe you could..
turn that down.
Feeling a little bit more comfortable around your Uncle Joe, are ya?
Hey, this is really nice, thanks for doing this.
You know, if you let me be your roommate you could have this like every day.
Michael, look, youíre a great kid, and I would love to have you as my roommate
but your mother would flip out.
I mean...
Youíre in!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey, Joey. Have a seat doll.
Hey, thanks for seeing me Bobbie. Look,
I know we blew it by turning down that Nurses thing,
but I gotta believe there is something bigger for me right around the corner.
Listen, you are living in a dream world.
Excuse me?
That Nurses show is huge.
Everyone involved in it is going to become insanely rich,
and itís going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
But my job is to keep up your morale.
I do feel better.
Iím a straight shooter,
but Iíll tell ya something else about me.
I am the best.
There is nothing that I wouldnít do for you.
I would..
throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion.
I would pull off my own ears and eat them.
I am gonna get you through this. I tell you,
next year I am gonna find you a show that is gonna blow this Nurses thing right out of the ĖOh,
what the hell am I saying?
Nothingís gonna top that!
Uh, wha..hold on. Next year? No no no,
I need to get something now.
Well, I got nothing.
Zilch. Zero. Nada.
Thereís gotta be something.
Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment news show.
Itís not really acting,
but it may work since you have such a tremendous head.
I do?
Oh, we donít have time for this!
Thanks, Bobbie, thank you.
Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders.
Gina, where have you been?
My auditionís in half an hour.
Sorry, Iíll give ya a little trim. Itíll take two minutes.
Hey, uh, any sign of my stuff? Have the movers called?
Stupid Movers and Shakers!
I canít be mad at those guys!
Hey, do me a favor. See if you can make my head look a little smaller.
Ya know, I canít do this. Iím too upset.
Whatís the matter?
Michael said he was moving out.
Uh, did he say who he was moving in with?
- No, why? - Uh, no reason.
But you know, if you think about it Gina, this could be a good thing.
You could have more time for your hairdressing.
Oh please,
Iím not much of a hairdresser anyways.
The only reason I even started cutting hair was
because Channel 5 exposed me as the Southís most dangerous dental technician.
That was some damning footage.
I just donít know what Iím going to do without him.
Heís my baby.
Hey, come on.
No really. I donít have much to be proud of..
but him I did right.
I gotta take this.
Well I got a lead on some blonde hair.
I need some good straight stuff.
Okay, we got a big problem.
I just told mom I was moving out. She went crazy.
I donít know what sheís going to do when she hears Iím living with you.
Well, letís find out!
Why didnít you tell me she was here?
You couldnít tell I was getting a haircut?!
You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape?!
Heís gonna live here?
Are you kidding me?
Mom, look. This was my idea.
Thatís true.
Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you.
ďPlease, get me away from my mother!Ē
I cannot believe you would do this to me.
- Hey, Gina, - Ma...
- Gina, wait up! - Ma...
Oh my God.
I know. I know.
I could eat a really big lobster in this.
Okay Joey, the auditionís very simple.
Uh, three cameras.
Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens, and a red light on top.
Whichever red light is lit, thatís the camera you address.
The producer will watch you from that monitor.
Geez, is that a man or a woman?
And, youíre miked.
Okay. Letís do this.
We on a roll?
Joey Tribbiani audition in five, four, three..
Welcome to Hollywood Minute.
Iím name.
Uh, can I start again?
Sure, whenever youíre ready.
Welcome to Hollywood Minute.
Iím Joey Tribbiani,
and here are todayís tops stories.
Well, even though sheís on vacation-
Uh, Joey, you didnít switch cameras.
Oh, did the light change?
even though youíre reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.
Thatís really the best way to do this?
Okay, letís try this again in five, four, three..
Welcome to Hollywood Minute.
Iím Joey Tribbiani,
and here are todayís top stories.
Even though sheís on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today.
More Ė more on that story later,
but first, letís check out the box office returns for this weekend.
Topping the list for the third week in a row
Man that is one fast red light.
Topping the list
Topping the list
No, I know itís not that one
Where the hell is it?!
Okay Joey, thanks for coming in.
No, no, no. Iím getting the hang of it.
Please mister, or miss, producer. Um,
I need this job. I can do this.
- Youíre looking at the wrong camera. - Damn it!
Romeo, oh, Romeo!
- Hey! - Hey.
Whatís wrong?
Oh, I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.
- Oh, well is that even acting? - NO!
Itís just following a really fast red light.
Iím sorry. If it helps, I had a really rough day at work too.
The company I represent canít drill for oil in Yosemite.
Well, if weíre both bummed, you wanna go be bummed together? Maybe we could get something to eat.
Oh, I wish I could. I have to go to the airport to pick up my husband.
- youíre married? - You didnít know?
- Didnít you see the ring? - Yeah. Yeah I saw the ring, but itís no on your left hand so..
Yeah, it is.
If you say so.
Hey, did you know that girl next door is married?
Oh, I canít talk to that girl. S-s-she makes my stutter come back.
Uh, can I talk to you?
Michael, if weíre gonna be roommates, you should know
there are gonna be times when Iím not gonna want to talk.
Iím just gonna want to eat the spaghetti you made for me.
Um, actually, well, Iím not gonna be your roommate.
What? Why?
I donít know. I talked it over with my mom and-
Oh Michael, donít listen to her!
Sheís a selfish, crazy
Okay we need a signal for when sheís here!
Come on Michael. Weíre leaving.
Look Gina, this is nuts!
Heís a man okay.
Heís graduated college.
He shaves.
He sleeps with women.
Yeah, I-I do shave.
Come on, you have to let him go!
Oh yeah?
Okay, you can hurt me all you want, but heís gonna move out sometime.
Not if I can help it.
Look Gina, I know heís your baby,
but itís time to move on!
Change can be good.
- Oh, itís easy for you to say. - No, itís not!
nobody understands wanting things to stay the same like I do.
I was happy in New York!
Okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changin
but everyone else got married, and had kids, and moved on.
They all changed.
So, Iím giving change a shot,
and it has been hard.
But, okay, just hoping things stay the same,
it doesnít work.
What, are you smarter than you used to be?
Nah, I donít know where that came from.
You know heís a slob, right?
You know how you like everything nice, and clean, and in itís own little place?
Thereís going to be sauce on everything you own.
I donít know how it happens.
Ma..Ma, thatís okay.
Well, if this is what you really want..
Thank you, Mom. Thank you.
Iím just going to miss you, thatís all.
Itís been the two of us for such a long time.
Yeah, well now itís the three of us.
You gave your speech. Enough.
You sure youíre gonna be okay?
Gina heís gonna be fine.
Heís old enough to move out.
You were raising a kid when you were 16.
How did I not figure that out?!
I mean,
I took calculus when I was eight.
Youíre dead.
Okay now, Gina, now back off. I donít wanna hurt you.
Oh yeah?
Iím gay for David Cassidy!
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