I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.
Iím not wearing any perfume.
The uh, the bottle said ďunisex.Ē
How are you this morning?
I donít know. Iím a little frustrated about my career. I mean...
I came out her a couple of months ago with all these goals and I havenít achieved any of them.
I havenít been on the cover of a magazine.
I havenít been nominated for an award.
I havenít been on even one ďBest DressedĒ list. Whatís up with that?
You were in a magazine. Last month you were in People.
Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.
Well something good better happen to me soon.
I wanna feel like I made the right decision moving out here.
Joey, why donít you so something about it?
Yeah. Call your agent. Light a fire under her.
- Let me do it. I will rip her a... - No, no, no.
Iíll do it, but youíre right. Yeah, I should call her. I need work.
Not being on TVís even starting to affect my love life.
- What? No. - Yeah.
Last night I went out to meet a girl. You know, for sex.
And I realized when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap.
Iím no longer ďJoey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.Ē
Lines like that actually work?
Well, not as good as your man perfume.
You know, now that I donít have that, things are harder.
You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this,
but itís kinda of nice that for once youíre having a problem with women.
- I mean... - Hey, Joey.
- Thanks for a fun night. - Oh, yeah...
...you take care.
I said it was hard. I didnít say it was impossible.
Oh, well heís just walking in right now.
Iíll tell him.
Great news, Joey. I just got you the lead in an Industrial Safety video!
What? No, no, no, no.
I donít wanna do anymore stuff like that. Look, Bobbie...
I came to LA to take the next step in my career, and I feel like Iím taking a step back.
You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials,
that Mystery Dinner thing at Ted Dansonís house?
I need things to change. Now.
Thereís the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.
- Iím not Latin, Iím Italian. - Italian?
Italians are out this year.
It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.
- I wasnít in a boy band. - I canít catch a break!
Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something...
and something good. Otherwise...
Iím gonna go out and find someone else who will.
Okay, look. Just give me one more chance.
I will find you something.
Thereís going to be no more celebrity parties, okay?
No more cheesy commercials.
Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about MCing the dog show.
Alright. Okay. Thatís more like it.
Now, is there anything I can do on my end?
Yeah, itíd be great if you had some connections.
Who have you met in this business whoís powerful?
I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust?
Just you, I guess.
You sweet thing, come here.
Oh God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now.
Hey, Alex. Uh, whatís going on here?
Oh, Iím hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.
No, no. I meant, thereís no mustard for the pigs-in-a-blanket?
Whereís your head at, girl?
Iíll take care of it.
Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I canít place him.
Usually when I have that feeling itís someone I slept with, but I donít think itís that.
Heís a movie producer.
Hey, can you introduce me to him? My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.
Oh, yeah, sure.
This is uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani. Heís an actor.
He just moved here from New York a couple of months ago.
- Hey. Steve Carpenter. Nice to meet you. - Yeah, you too.
Now if youíll excuse me,
thereís a girl in there I hated in college and Iím now more successful than.
So, Joey, you donít look familiar. Are you a Wildcat?
Well uh, I donít like to brag about it, but I do okay.
You can go ahead and brag. Weíre all proud we went to Northwestern.
- Oh, I thought you meant.. - Ya know, you should come in and audition for me some time.
- Really? - Yeah, we like to look our for our own.
Thatís why they call us the Northwestern Mafia.
Well, weíve got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.
Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats!
Say, what year did you graduate?
- Wait, let me guess. Uh... í91? - Wow. Producer, or awesome year-guesser?
Now, who do I know that was í91?
- Lance Beckman. Do you know Lance? - Uh, is he here?
- No. - I was in his wedding!
You know, if youíre new in town, I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia.
Itís too bad. I donít think thereís anyone else here from í91.
Darn. That wouldíve been a fun situation.
This is Joey. Joey, this is Dave. Dave is an executive at Universal.
Markís in television.
- Hey! - Hey.
And Paulís a feature director.
Yeah, Joeyís the class of í91.
Oh yeah, what dorm were you in?
Uh, a different one every night, if you know what I mean.
So whatíd you study?
Uh, not much of anything, Iím afraid.
Uh oh, fight song time. Shall we?
Spread far the fame of our fair name. Go Northwestern, win that game!
And then weíll...
- Hey. - Hey.
Whereíd you get the Northwestern shirt?
Oh, I got it at an organizational meeting for next years homecoming.
Joey, I did it!
I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.
That was fast. What happened?
Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer.
And then the producer called me and offered you the position, and I said, ďokay.Ē
Thatís great! Okay, whatís it for?
Well, itís a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort.
Itís called Deep Powder.
Itís Baywatch on skis, and itís the dumbest script I ever read.
Itís gonna be huge!
Yeah, Iím gonna have my assistant fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.
Great, Bobbie. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
What was that about?
I got a huge audition for tomorrow.
Thatís great. For what?
Itís a sexy new nighttime drama set at a ski resort.
- That sounds fantastic! - Yeah!
Oh my god, itís not on against JAG is it?
No, well, I donít know when itís gonna be on. But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah.
And itís all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern. Lyiní is awesome!
Oh, I canít wait to see the script. Bobbieís gonna fax it over right now.
Hello? Stop calling here!
Damn it, every time Iím expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.
- What does he say? - Nothing!
He just makes this annoying sound.
Did you go to Northwestern?
Why, yes, I did.
Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.
Weíre rival schools.
Oh, yeah. Grrr. I hate you.
- Joey Tribbiani. - Katie Harper.
Yeah, listen, I got this audition now, but...
maybe we can get together some time and get to the bottom of this rivalry.
- Maybe we can. - Yeah, well hey...
you should give me a call sometime.
- You have your number on a card? - I do this a lot.
But also, you are very special.
Hi. Iím Joey Tribbiani.
Iím here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder...
the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past.
Now I donít wanna tell you to cancel the rest of your session, but...
I was born to play this role.
Youíre not reading for Langdon.
Youíre reading for Langdonís dad.
But Iím young and sexy, not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb looking sweater.
Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.
- Hey. - Hey, how did the audition go?
I did the stupidest thing Iíve ever done.
Come on, honey. Now we both know that is not true.
Did they find out you didnít go to Northwestern?
No, no, no. Itís not that.
I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role.
You know, and they wouldnít even let me audition. And I would been so great at it.
ďIf thrashingís a crime, yo lock me up, Ďcause I donít wanna live in a world where I canít thrash to the extreme.Ē
- That is great. - I know!
Soíd you end up auditioning for the right part?
No, it was for the father.
Iím not old enough to play the father of a teenager.
I had a teenager when I was your age.
- But thatís different. - How?
Look, I donít have time to pretend your life is okay. I have a problem!
Joey, they called you in.
You should just audition for the dad.
But I donít know if I can pull it off.
I have all these heavy scene with my kids in the show. I donít know how to do that.
Look, I know this isnít the kind of role youíre used to doing,
but you canít just give up Ďcause youíre afraid to fail...
- ...and I donít think youíre gonna fail. - Really?
I hate doing this stuff to your face. Are you gonna make me compliment you?
I need it.
I have seen everything you have done, and you are a great actor.
And on top of that, I know you can play a dad...
because Iíve seen the way you are with Michael, and youíre like a father to him.
Thanks Gina. Come here, give me a hug.
God, youíre such a girl.
Iíve been meaning to make a contribution, but it keeps slipping my mind.
Well, yes, of course. I treasure my Northwestern experience.
And I treasure mine.
- Now, if youíre willing to pledge 1,000 dollars... - Joey. What are yoy doing?
Oh, excuse me one second.
Maíam, can I call you back in a few minutes? Iím not able to speak freely.
If you can hear me wave your hand.
Why are you calling me from my alumni association?
Well, I didnít know it was you. The sheet says ďAlexis Garret.Ē
- Thatís my full name. - Sexy.
Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern?
Because your friend Steve though I went there and he got me an audition.
Now heís asking me to do all this alumni stuff. I canít say no.
- But youíre lying. - Alex...
isnít doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams, what Northwesternís all about?
Then what is it about? I have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner.
- Hey. - Hey, Howie.
What are you doing?
Well I got a big audition today, so Iím just going over my lines.
Can I help? I have acting experience.
I was one of the Honeycomb kids.
Sure. Okay. You have the first line.
- Did you have any lines in those Honeycomb commercials? - No I did not.
Michael... listen. Iím leaving for my audition in a few minutes.
Will you run through the lines with me?
Whatís the scene about?
Well, Iím being overprotective of my daughter,
because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused.
Yeah, thereís a great speech about it later where I curse the elements.
ďDamn you, mountain! Bring her back!Ē
So, Iím the daughter?
Alright, do I have to read it with like a high girly voice?
- No. - May I?
- No. - Okay.
I can do it now. I want another shot.
Thatís ok. Michaelís already doing it.
Can I be his understudy?
- Sure. - Great!
ďHow are you doing? Is something the matter?Ē
ďWhy wonít you let me go to Haleyís sleepover party?Ē
ďBecause, thereís a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.Ē
ďYou donít have to worry about me so much. Look at me. Iím a big girl now.Ē
ďI can see that. I bet your friends think itís pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.Ē
If I had functional tear ducts, Iíd be crying right now.
Really? Was I good?
Actually, I got a very strong Dad vibe from you.
Thanks, Michael. I got a strong little girl vibe from you.
Alright, thanks you guys.
Iím gonna go get this part. I still gotta go pick up your mom.
Sheís coming with me for moral support. Alright, wish me luck.
Hi, my nameís Thomas Wheeler. Iím here for my Northwester alumni interview.
The guy I met at Alexís asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor.
I completely forgot.
How are we gonna get out of this?
Sorry about that. Come on in.
Oh, thank you sir.
I brought a copy of my high school transcript, as well as a letter of recommendation from...
Yeah, Iím kind of in a time crunch here, but you seem like a fine young man.
Iím giving you my full recommendation.
Well, what about all my questions? What about the English department?
Is there a strong pre-law program?
Uh, college isnít all about academics, Thomas.
So, why donít you hang out here and have a good time.
Thatís kind of our motto at Northwestern.
Oh, I thought it was ďQuaecumque Sunt Vera.Ē
No, no. We changed it.
Okay, you go over your lines. I will take care of the competition.
Hi. You reading for the role of dad?
You like Jager?
Hey, Joey. Itís good to see you again.
Yeah, I was thinking about you. Thereís a Northwestern-Purdue game on this Saturday.
You wanna come over?
You read my mind.
- You like football? - No.
Do I. Okay, Iíll talk to you after my audition.
Okay, thanks for you patience everyone. Weíre going to start reading now.
Oh maíam, Iím sorry, but weíre not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute until tomorrow.
Oh, Iím not an actress, but thank you!
Okay, uh Joey weíre ready for you now.
Oh, and Iíd like to introduce you to Katie Harper.
Youíre going to be reading with her.
Oh, uh, I thought the scene was with me and my daughter.
Thatís right. We cast her in the part. Weíre gonna see if you two have chemistry.
I think we might!
You can do this. Sheís your daughterÖ
and youíre going to jail.
Whenever youíre ready.
- Hi, Daddy. - How you doiní?
I mean, how are you doing? Is everything all right?
Why wonít you let me go to Haleyís sleepover party?
Because thereís a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.
You donít have to worry about me so much anymore.
I mean, look at me. Iím a big girl now.
I can see that.
I bet your friends think itís pretty lame that your old man wants toÖ
hold on to you so tight.
I-I like it when you do that.
Youíre my... special... little girl.
- I love you, Daddy. - And I love you too.
Now come give Daddy a kiss.
Okay, thank you!
Please, never have a daughter.
- Hey, howíd it go? - Terrible!
Whyís my daughter have to be so hot?!
I told you I couldnít play a dad. Come on.
No, no, no, no. You go back in there and try it again.
I canít. I am too turned on by that girl.
Joey, you are an actor. Act.
But I canít stop thinking about sex.
You wanna stop thinking about sex?
What the hell are you doing?! Thatís disgusting! Youíre my sister.
And that is your daughter. That is even worse.
Now you go back in there and you ask if you can try again.
Oh, okay. Yeah, youíre right.
- Hey. - Hey. Howíd it go?
- Joey sucked the first time, but then I... - Your mother helped me in a totally normal way.
So, you feel like it went pretty well, right?
Wait a minute. Whatís that look on your face.
You know something?
Whatís the best news I could give you.
They fixed the vending machine.
Oh, we got a ping-pong table.
Kool and The Gang got back together?!
Okay, Iím going to have to try this a different way.
You are Langdon Powderís dad.
You got the part!
I got the par... I got the part?
I did it! I did it!
- Congratulations. - Oh, Joey, Iím so proud of you...
Okay.. but thatís the last one!
Transcribed by: Spudnik - http://www.joeytv.net Timing by: Qk@c
- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Steve.
Howíd that audition go?
Great. Oh, thanks so much for settiní that up. I got the part.
All right. Go Wildcats.
Yeah, but not Purdue. We hate them.
Yeah. Wait a minute, Iím here with your buddy.
Lance, come here. You gotta see who this is.
Hey, itís me Lance Beckman.
Joey. I was in your wedding.
No, you werenít.
Ok, look Steve. I have something to tell youÖ
this man is not Lance Beckman!
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