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Just visiting

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This is a story of the past and the future.
We will come to the future, but first, the past.
Here we have the Earl of Warwick.
We can see by his petulantly arched brow that he is not en route to a good deed.
Do you wish to live, old witch?
You have committed grave crimes against God and your king.
-Have mercy, my lord. -Silence.
The Frenchman, Count Thibault, shall wed Lady Rosalind, the daughter of our king.
I desire that woman.
-I alone am fit to take her hand. -And her castle, her lands.
The riches that are her dowry.
Thou art not as stupid as thou art hideous, old hag.
Tomorrow night, the king shall feast the arrival of the count.
I want the count dead before the feast is over.
A small fortune in gold awaits the sorceress who doth my bidding.
Not so fast!
How shall I know thy magic is sufficient to the task?
Dost thou find proof enough in this?
That will do!
Take it, witch!
Was that proof enough, my lord?
Come to the king's castle tomorrow, and carry out my plan.
If you fail... will be burned.
Our hero, of course, knew none of this.
He was safely in his entourage, travelling, he thought, to his wedding.
Here he is, the Count of Malfete.
He is also a duke, a baron and a lord.
A nobleman, plagued by only those small things which inconvenience a knight:
The permanent presence of his sisters, his mother and father...
...and, as all knights must endure... idiot servant, Andre, whose smell made people faint.
A considerable achievement among a population who never bathed.
Down, peasant!
The duke, or Thibault, as his subjects weren't allowed to call him, was joyous.
The long-awaited day of his marriage had come at last.
What have we got here? Another lot of bloody royal bastards?
Must be the French duke, come to marry the king's daughter. Mind the forest!
There be dragons'll make dinner from your bones in there!
Andre loved and protected his master.
Master. Master! The forest! It is haunted.
Thibault responded.
Thank you, master.
With every step, he came closer to the castle of his beloved.
He hoped he would be with her soon.
For rare was the journey in which Thibault did not have to stop and rescue someone.
This was no exception.
For like his ancestors, he lived by an ancient family rule.
A woman in distress!
The only one he knew.
Beware, sire.
Courage was more than a duty. Courage was his creed.
Join your master!
I'm talking to you. Go! Stupid peasant.
Sire! Behind you!
Courage is our creed!
...he was invincible.
Except he was not invincible against witchcraft.
For this would be his last victory... this millennium.
I hear a rumour thou art marrying tomorrow, my lord.
I have heard this rumour.
I have also heard that the bride is the most beautiful in all of England.
-But it is not true. -It is not?
Am I not the most beautiful bride in all of England?
No. Wait.
The most beautiful bride in all the world.
Wear this for me, Thibault.
Wear it against thine heart.
Thou shalt always be true.
Lady Rosalind.
Thy shalt not disgrace thyself before the wedding.
I must hie and dress for the banquet.
Sire, your bride looks like a gorgeous sparrow.
Silence, you impudent peasant. Show respect to your future mistress.
Yes, master.
Thank you, my lord!
Quite so, Your Majesty.
When thy lady drinks her wine, her eyes will fill with hellish visions.
The count will appear as a hideous beast.
Then, my magic will compel her to kill him.
My dear friends and noble guests...
...Thibault, Count of Malfete and Papincourt, I hereby declare this castle...
...a wedding present.
Hear ye, Your Majesty.
In every way that I am able...
...I will serve my beautiful lady and do honour to thy kingdom.
Drink of my cup, and you will know my thoughts.
And thou wilt know mine.
My lord.
My lord!
What is it, Thibault?
This is not the kind of behaviour that becomes a duke.
Are you crazy? Drunk?
This is no way to behave in an English court.
Beasts from hell!
That is my mother!
That is my mother.
What have I done? It is not me! It is witchcraft.
Andre, find me a wizard!
-France must pay for this treachery. -Find me a wizard!
Have pity on the poor condemned man.
We're here for the last rites.
My lord, we have to hurry.
What wizard is this?
He's English, my lord. But his magic is very good.
-Your Earl of Warwick did this to me. -Indeed, he did.
And he'd have me, too, if he knew that I was here.
I beg you, let him save you.
Can you bring my lady back from the dead?
I can reanimate her corpse...
...but I don't think that my lord would like how she looks, or smells.
There is another way.
Time is like a mountain...
...riddled with tunnels.
I can open one of these tunnels for thee...
...and return thee to the moment before the murder...
...if thy will is strong enough.
Don't you think this priest has had enough time?
Hurry up, Father.
Unlock this door! Now!
Drink this potion, my lord...
...and thou shalt descend into the mountain of time.
It smells awful. You should not drink that.
What if you become a frog, or goat's feet?
You are right. Drink first, bastard.
If you die, I will avenge your death.
What are you doing in there?
Open this door!
Open this door!
-It tastes like the shit of the pork. -And he should know.
I forgot the grouse eggs. It's a disaster.
I've lost them in the corridors of time.
Open this door! Open this door!
-This is cool. -This is pretty cool. Yeah.
See the peasant sleeping on the floor?
In those days, people didn't think peasants deserved better than that.
And they were considered the property of their masters.
Now, the boss of this peasant is the knight.
See how beautiful the knight's clothing is?
Miss Ferdette, that one is hot, and it just snorted.
That's impossible, because they're just mannequins.
-Mannequins don't snort. -Well, that one just did.
No, because they're not real. They're just like dolls.
-Shit! -What are you doing in my chamber?
Your chamber has been cleaved in half, my lord.
This is not the castle!
Look at this, sire. It is satanic.
This is hell.
And we are condemned souls. Come.
We shall find the prince of this netherworld and beg his mercy.
Wait for me, my lord.
Dr. Brady, come quick. Two guys with swords and armour--
Miller, you're always overreacting.
Relax. There's absolutely no need to....
The police are on their way.
Peasant, please... me the way out of this strange castle.
They stink.
Have a nice day.
-Wait. -Good luck.
Peasant! Wait!
What is this? The gates of Hell.
Look at its eyes of fire.
It's a red dragon.
What the hell are you doing?
Take that, beast.
We have killed it.
Yes, it is no longer breathing.
God is punishing us for practicing the black arts.
Let us pray for forgiveness.
Heavenly Father, forgive us our sins.
We are so, so... sorry.
-Dr. Brady. -Julia.
This is Julia Malfete, who heads the Medieval Art department.
She donated the 12th-century castle exhibit.
Julia designed the exhibit where we found the two men.
That stuff is a result of the body search.
The big guy had the gold coins...
...the sword, the shield and that ring.
The little guy had the salt pork, the sausage...
...and that box, which he probably stole.
But not from us. Most thieves take valuable things, not bring them.
This is a Gothic pyxis.
This design was made in Canterbury at the end of the 12th century.
It has emeralds and rubies.
Why did they sleep here? They could have stayed at the Ritz.
You got these out of their pockets?
That's right. Except the sausage.
This stamp ring is fantastic.
My family's coat of arms.
Sergeant, can I meet these thieves?
Master, I'm hungry. My tummy rumbles like a beast.
How can you think of food after such tragedy?
What I would not give to see once more my precious.
My lord, look! She's alive!
My fair Rosalind. My bride.
-My ravishing flower. -Mistress. My mistress.
-What are you doing? -It is a miracle.
-Do I know you? -Do you not recognise me, my lady?
I am the Count of Malfete and Papincourt, Duke of Anjou.
I am your faithful Thibault.
-You're who? -And I'm Andre le Pate, valet of the count.
Please forgive me for what I did to you, my dear Rosalind.
My name isn't Rosalind. It's Julia.
No! You are my Rosalind.
The lock of hair you gave me on our wedding day.
I carry it over my heart.
Please, my love, see for yourself.
You see?
It is the colour of wheat on a summer's day, the colour of candlelight.
It is your own.
-Stop this. Stop this. -Step away from the lady.
I think you'd be safer outside.
-Do not be afraid! -You don't want to see this.
Courage is our creed!
Courage is our creed!
Stop! I know this man.
''Courage is our creed.''
That's our family motto. This man is my cousin.
It's in here. You see, I thought he was dead.
He disappeared when a storm capsized his yacht, during the Admiral's Cup.
They never recovered his body, so the courts declared him dead.
He was a very distant French cousin of mine...
...but as the last living Malfete, I inherited his estate.
If he's your cousin, what do you want me to do with him?
Sire, why does Lady Rosalind call herself Julia...
...and allow us to be beaten and chained?
Peasant, this is not our time.
The wizard did not send us into the past.
He sent us into the next millennium.
We are 30 generations removed from Malfete.
Julia is not my beloved.
She's my descendant.
Could you get me Hunter, please? It's important.
That rabbit of yours is on the phone again.
Hey, bunny. What's up?
Thibault Malfete just showed up at the museum.
Thibault Malfete?
That's impossible. Isn't he supposed to be--
-I know. -Are you sure it's him?
He looks like his photos.
He quoted the family motto.
Does he know yet that we're selling his entire estate?
Well, it's hard to say what he knows.
He's a little strange.
Hunter, this is terrible. I mean, it's wonderful that he's alive...
...but it's terrible that we're already selling the estate. I feel awful.
The courts declared him dead. We're within our legal rights.
How were we supposed to know he was still alive?
Has he mentioned anything about money?
-Money? -Money.
How can you worry about money?
I'm worrying about you. You don't handle surprises well. Where is your cousin now?
-He and his friend are with security. -Why don't we bring them home with us?
He's family, right? We want to be hospitable.
-You're wonderful. -I'll pick you all up in five minutes, okay?
Love you. 'Bye, bunny.
'Bye, big bear.
My God. Thibault Malfete is still alive.
This is a disaster.
You're pouting.
-I hate it when you call her ''bunny.'' -You are so much hotter than a bunny.
My God, look at yourself. You're a tigress.
Lady Julia, there has been a terrible mistake.
-I'm so sorry. We thought you were dead. -Dead?
No, the wizard was a fool, but not a killer. He only sent us the wrong way.
-Excuse me? -We fell into the mountain of time.
I must return to my time to prevent a great tragedy to our family.
-I ask for your assistance. -I'll do whatever I can.
We must not go out!
What are you doing?
What are you doing? We have to wait outside.
Hunter can't park here. We have to wait for him.
My God.
Bloody coward.
We have to--
Those boys are lost.
I must go and retrieve them.
-This is England? -Meat.
-No-- -Meat!
-This is Chicago. -Meat, meat, meat.
This is the United States.
The last I remember, I was in Sussex, England, in my castle chambers.
-You don't remember anything since then? -No.
Do you think maybe you've suffered some memory loss, from the accident?
After I drank the potion, I remember nothing.
-Onions? -All of them.
All right. You like to eat hot dogs?
I like to eat every kind of dog.
Hey, wait. What are you doing?
No, no. Stop, stop. Please, stop.
I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.
-He's French. I'm sorry. -Very.
Hi, honey.
-Situation's much worse than I thought. -What are you talking about?
Holy shit.
Hunter, this is Thibault Malfete.
-Thibault, this is my fiance, Hunter. -Pleased to meet you.
-Are you noble? -No, sorry.
But I can certainly tell that you are.
And this is Andre, Thibault's assistant.
Hello, big nose.
-Run behind the chariot, peasant. -Yes, master.
-No. He can't run behind the car. -He can't ride with us. He's not noble.
-He has to ride in the car. -He's very fast.
We're taking the freeway. You can run 70 miles an hour, can you?
-I have good boots. -No, you must sit in the car. Please.
-I'm fast. -I'd love to see you run sometime.
-Obey. -Yes, my lord.
Do you want some dog?
Too fast.
-Are you okay, Mr. Pate? -Yes.
-Too fast. -Honey, could you just slow down a little?
-I'm going 22 miles an hour. -Yes, I know. Could you try going 21?
What is the matter with you? You don't know how to drive?
It's going to be fine.
Get in and open the door.
Let's go inside.
Hi, sweetie. Hello, Churchill. Give Mom a high five.
All right, that's my boy.
Let's go.
Like the hat.
-I need you now! -Come here, peasant.
-Chop-chop. -Okay. I'm coming.
Hurry up.
How did you do that?
Day. Night.
-I do not have this in my castle. -You don't have power?
I have the power to judge and condemn to death any villain on my land.
Really? Hunter will be so jealous.
I'm going to get you two something to drink.
And make Hunter one of his ''power dude'' smoothie things.
I'd offer you one, but nobody seems to like them but him.
Night. Day. Night.
-Day. Night. Day. -Andre, could you please stop that?
I'm just starting to feel like I'm in a disco, you know?
My dear lady.
You said you would offer me your assistance.
-Anything. What do you need? -I need to find a wizard.
-Sorry, master. -Idiot! Apologise to the lady!
Sorry, master. I ask for mercy.
-Forgive me, my lady. -No, it's okay.
The floor needed to be cleaned, anyway.
You were saying something about what? Did you say, ''a wizard''?
-I need to go back into the tunnels of time. -Of course.
I need to understand what happened to you, all right?
-Now, your yacht went down in a storm-- -No. You must listen.
I am from the time of Thibault Vl, and I have come to the future.
The tunnels of time, wizards, Thibault VI.
-Are you okay? -Yes, lady.
Lovely flower...
...I see that you do not believe me. It is a pity.
But, please, try.
Yes, of course I'll try.
-She's green. -Never did like the taste of this.
My God.
-What happened? -Nothing.
I'm eating this very good meat with vegetables in a fine sauce.
I will shit easy tomorrow.
It's jet lag.
I'm sure you would like to wash your hands and whatever else. Come with me.
All right. Here you go.
Can I talk to you for a moment, please?
Don't be bashful with the soap.
What is it, master? A throne?
It could be.
-They're crazy! -They've been through a terrible ordeal.
-They have amnesia. -Amnesia?
They're wacked. They're completely retarded. They're....
Clean water.
The long towel has a good fragrance.
Thibault is my cousin, Hunter.
-He's my family. -Yeah? I'm not so sure.
He doesn't strike me as being noble.
Julia, will you come down here? It's kind of an emergency.
Very good fountain.
Your French relatives are bathing in the toilet.
Oh, my God.
I'll just leave them right here.
Be right back.
I'm going to take a shower, then tackle that kitchen.
Hurry. Our reservation's at 8:00.
-Where are we going? -Latour.
Isn't that a little formal for our guests?
You tell me your cousin is nobility.
Then you get mad at me when I suggest that maybe he's not.
Now you're upset because I pick the best restaurant in town?
You make it impossible for me to do the right thing.
You're right. Latour will be great.
Thank you, big bear.
I'll be in the shower.
Very good flavour.
This is not wine, ignorant peasant.
It is oil for the bath.
Very good perfume.
Very creamy.
-Bathe, servant. -No, sire.
I have taken a bath at Christmas.
-Bathe! -No. I'm afraid!
I don't want to catch cold and die!
Be silent, peasant.
Do you have another bottle of this bathing oil for Andre?
You realise the bath you took cost over $2,000?
That's American dollars.
-Is that a lot? -Yes.
Then I will repay you with one of my swines.
That sounds fair.
My family tree.
So many descendants.
-Mr. Cassidy, please. -Yeah, hold on one second.
-Yeah, bunny? -Honey.
-Your office. -I'll take it upstairs.
Oh, who is this?
Andre le Pate, I have big balls...
...and my ass breathes fire.
Wow, that must hurt.
-Hello. -Hello.
-I told you never to call me herel -Well, I forgot.
Is somebody there with you?
Get off the phone, or I'll call the policel
He hung up.
It was Thibault's retarded assistant.
This is dangerous. I'll call you after Julia goes to bed.
Lady Julia.
You are more than a rose.
You are love's own flower.
That's ridiculous.
This old thing, I threw it on, I haven't worn it in a couple of years, but...
...I guess I should learn how to take a compliment.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Much better.
Kissing cousins.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone eat a steak in two bites before.
Thank you, master!
Be blessed.
-Thank you. -Would you like some more truffle sauce?
Excuse me...
...but the gentleman can't eat off the floor.
He's not a gentleman. He's my servant...
...and he's not worthy of our company.
-Thank you. -I'm sorry, sir.
Would you please join us at the table?
-It is not possible. -Please.
Thibault, please. Let him sit at the table.
For me?
I will please you, lovely one.
Obey, foolish pork.
Thank you.
To think, you were worried they wouldn't be comfortable here.
The floor wasn't such a bad place for him.
-Easier to hose down. -Cheese!
Very good cheese!
Andre, what are you doing?
What are you doing? Andre, no.
No. Bad.
Sit down. Eat this.
This is for dessert.
-No, sir. Please. -I'm terribly sorry.
It's all right. Just add it to the check, okay? Thank you.
You eat this after dinner, all right?
I'm terribly sorry.
Just add it to the bill. Thank you.
Do I have something on my face?
You remind me of the daughter of a king.
Thank you.
While we're on the subject of Julia's noble ancestry... see why she was given control of the estate.
Julia is a Malfete. Everything I have is hers.
You have no objection if she retains control.
-No. -Wonderful.
I'm sure you'll be pleased with our plans. They're going to make us....
I mean, you and Julia, very wealthy.
I am already wealthy. I own hundreds of horses...
...10 chests of pepper, 400 bags of wool...
...and 50 barrels of Spanish olives.
-And you own me, sire. -Yes. But you have no value.
That is true.
Excuse you.
Leave nothing for the devil!
-Did you hear what I heard? -Yes, I did.
They're not in very good health. Try to ignore it if you can.
-Sire. -What?
I have to make pee-pee.
-You want to pee! -Yes.
-Outside! -Outside? But, sire...
-...I could be eaten by wolves. -Find a torch!
Find a torch.
Andre has such simple needs. That's great.
You need some help, sir?
It is beautiful. The water comes out by itself.
It is a magic fountain.
Look at this!
It smells just like the forest!
All the forest is in this small wheel.
-Smell it! -No, thank you.
-Don't want to smell it? -Enjoy yourself.
The castle is a wreck... I'm helping her divide the estate into more profitable chunks.
We're selling the art and various high-end pieces through our outlet here.
Essentially, I'm protecting her. That is my role.
-And the land? -I decided we should sell that, too.
It is not for you to decide.
Only Lady Julia can say what will be done.
I speak for both Julia and myself.
You cannot possibly speak for a Malfete.
What are your wishes, my lady?
I guess I'd like to think about it a little bit more, actually.
The lady has spoken!
Greasy chicken.
What on earth are you doing?
I'm afraid I'm going to have to add an order of...
...chicken a la umbrella to your bill.
Smell the forest.
Yes, it's minty.
It's from the blue fountain.
Honey, would you like a mint?
-Sire Hunter. -Thibault?
These are good.
Give me another.
Very minty.
Good evening, fine sir.
I'm seeking Thibault of Malfete, the Duke of Anjou.
The great chevalier?
Andre does not need a bed. He will be happy with some straw.
-Yes. -We're out of straw.
My bed is soft.
It's time for the Family Feud...
...introducing the Fry family.
Poor little people. They're trapped inside!
God have mercy.
-What are we going to do? -Free them.
Let's start the Family Feud.
-You really think they have amnesia? -I don't know.
We are coming!
So you admit they're clinically insane.
-I didn't say that. -Oh, come on.
Where did they go, my lord?
They were inside.
-We could not save them. -It is tragic.
We never really use this room anyway.
It's a pity.
I need to find a wizard now.
Do you mind if I get some coffee first?
Jesus Christ!
I told you not to leave this stuff in the middle of the driveway!
-I about broke my goddamn neck! -I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Do you actually do any gardening here or do you just sing out of tune?
Just clean it up.
Big belly. You dare to touch a lady?
-Who the hell are you? -I'm Andre and I piss on you.
Get out of here, or I'll call the cops!
Apologise to the lady.
You're calling her--
Lady. Right.
-Sorry. -Kiss her feet.
-Do what? -Kiss her feet!
Instead of a wizard, what we need to find you is a good doctor.
Wizards are the best doctors.
What in the world is that?
-Call 911. -What is going on here?
He was very rude to the lady.
Look, fool. A coat of arms.
He's a nobleman.
I did not know.
-Stupid peasant. -Who are these guys?
-Visitors. -Do you own this woman?
She works for me.
I'll hang my valet by his feet on your behalf.
Please, my lord, not by the feet!
I prefer the thumbs.
I got a meeting to catch.
Rise, idiot.
I give him to you for the day. You may beat him if you like.
Thanks but, you know, we just met.
Thank you, my great and merciful master.
Thank you, my lord.
Let us go. We have a wizard to find.
A wizard.
-Are you French? -Yes.
-You like it here? -It is strange.
It smells bad, and the food is little.
But the ladies are wonderful.
I wish my boss thought like that.
Boss. What is boss?
The guy you work for. The big guy.
I can have his bones when he's eating.
That is so disgusting.
That's so gross.
You have to figure out a way to get away from him.
He's my master, I don't want to be hung.
-Hung! -You're not going to be hung!
That's against the law! Okay?
Does he pay you a lot of money?
Once every month, he permits me to hunt pheasants on his lands.
You make no money?
I have a treasure.
What do you call that again?
-The ''L.'' -The ''L.''
Wait. Before we get downstairs into the crowd, I've got this for you.
Here's my phone number.
Wear this just in case you get lost.
I will not get lost.
You can only be lost if you have no purpose.
I have purpose, which is to find a--
A wizard. Right.
I don't know where to start with that one.
I mean, I have never met a wizard.
I don't even think they make wizards anymore.
Oh, my purse! Wait! Thibault!
-No! -Take the purse!
He's a thief. I have to cut his hand.
Please, just take it.
Everything is fine now.
Hang him in the public square.
Silence, old woman!
You're not helping.
Wait! Old witch.
I am sorry. I thought you were an old hag.
I've been called worse.
Why don't you come and tell her--
Oh, no.
Would you happen to know a wizard?
-Can you tell me where to find a wizard? -I'm in a hurry.
Peasants, which one of you can show me to a wizard?
There will be a reward.
Sir Lancelot is looking for a wizard.
Aren't we all?
I am not Lancelot.
I am Thibault, Count of Malfete...
...Duke of Anjou, Baron of Orleans...
...Lord of Libourne.
Well, I'm Sid from Cicero.
Duke of Hazzard, Baron of Billiards...
...and Lord of Lord Knows What.
And I challenge you to a duel.
En garde.
-Do not make me kill you. -En garde, I say.
Watching this, honey?
I should kill you for your insolence...
...but I am too thirsty, so instead I will quench my thirst...
...and yours and yours.
Drink up.
You're not going to believe this.
Guess whose exhibit had another visitor last night.
There was just sparks flying...
...and all sorts of weird noises.
Then there was this....
-A green flash and bang, he was there. -Who?
The wizard-looking dude.
-Wizard, wizard. -Look.
He burnt the bedspread where he came in.
-Absolutely shocking. -Wait a minute.
This wasn't here before.
He says he's Julia's cousin.
I say he's a fake.
I want an answer in 24 hours.
See, Tiger?
Daddy will take care of this business. You going to be nice to me again?
-Hello. -Hunter, you won't believe this.
-I'm here for you. -I lost Thibault.
I lost him because he was looking for a wizard.
And then he just freaked out.
Nobody just loses a guy dressed like a medieval knight in Chicago.
Well, I did. Hold on a second.
Does anybody there know the Count of Whoop-dee-do?
-The Baron of Blah-dee-blah? -Yes, I do.
Wonderful. Thank you.
I found him. Got to go.
-I'm so relieved. -Love you. 'Bye.
So, he's back?
I was hoping he'd tripped on his cape...
...and swan dived into the Chicago River.
Everybody, everybody.
This is my great-great-great-great-great...
Grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grandpa and I must go.
You have to sing first.
Yeah, you got to sing.
Yes, you must sing first.
We, we, we have to go. Now, now, now.
-Why? -Yeah, you have to give us a reason.
-I found a wizard. -Well, bring him along!
-We have to go. -I knew it!
I must leave you now.
So long, Lancelot.
I am not Lancelot. I am Thibault, Count of Malfete.
Of course, it is that bloody English wizard.
He has followed me through time.
Right. I mean, he probably whipped up some eye-of-newt potion thingy...
...and he waved his hands and said some words in Latin...
-...and voila. -Voila.
I'm starting to believe you.
To believe everything, and that is a really big leap for a 21st-century girl.
I want you to appreciate that.
There it is.
All right. What do you want now?
Treacherous old fool.
What is this?
I thought you smote her.
-She's not my Rosalind. -I'm Julia Malfete.
Malfete. She's a descendant.
All is not lost, my lord.
How long until your magic is ready to return me to my rightful time?
Before the sun is set.
Then let us go now and fetch my faithful servant.
Never smelled like this before.
Bloody English wizards. They cannot do anything right.
-I like your chariot. -Thank you.
That's my lipstick.
No, Andre. That's so gross.
Hurry up. Spit it out the window.
One ruby.
That should do it.
-What is all this horrible noise? -We would love to go shopping.
Big swans.
Very small chariots.
Like little Matchbox cars.
Say cheese!
I love these wheel cakes.
We call them doughnuts.
Andre, you can have as many doughnuts as you want now.
-Yes. -You can have all of this, Andre.
You could go out and get a big house...
...and you could have a swimming pool. You could have everything, Andre.
I can only have what my master allows.
That is not true! This is a democracy.
This is America.
You are a free man.
Thank you.
There are a lot of good things about living in this time.
You'll be okay here.
I'll make sure of it.
You are lionhearted, Julia, like the women of your lineage.
You have courage.
No, I don't think so.
Bunny-hearted maybe, but....
Come outside.
You will learn to protect yourself.
What are you doing?
Look at me.
Take it like this.
Power in your arm.
-Very impressive. -Take it.
Power is in my arms.
I can't do it.
-It's too heavy. -Try again.
I am getting so tired of sneaking around and lying all the time.
Hang in there with me, babe. We are so close.
Take me dancing.
Hey, watch it!
I'm sorry.
Look what you've done. Let's go. Come on.
Sorry about that. I'm sorry.
Sorry, ma'am.
Don't help me. My boss will kill me.
You are a free woman. Tonight we dance.
-Angelique. -Where's Julia?
Hunter! Get your groove in!
-Who are you? -Who is she?
-She's my sister. -I'm not!
She's very tired and has to go home.
Sire Hunter!
-Tonight was so great. -Greatest night ever in the world.
You make me feel like a lady.
-But you are a great lady. -And you are a great man.
And if you got a decent haircut...
...and not put everything you see in your mouth...
...I think you'd be a terrific man.
My lady, thank you.
Andre, what do you say that we quit our lousy jobs and go travel around the world?
-Quit? -We could be so happy.
Tonight you should just tell your boss that you quit.
-Okay? -Okay.
-Be free. -Free!
-Because I am a free man! -You got that right, baby.
You are worried.
-What is wrong? -The wizard. He exploded.
Yes. Wasn't a very pretty sight.
The wizard exploded?
I don't know about you guys, but good night.
First, Andre has something to say to Thibault.
What is it, peasant?
Well, speak.
Nothing. I guess I was wrong.
Thibault was standing by the river... was the saddest, most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
Well, that Thibault really is a special guy.
Yes, he is.
That's why I've decided to give the entire estate back to him.
You what?
...did you know that the women in my lineage are all lionhearted?
They still haven't brought the stiff down?
I heard the old geezer's body parts are sticking to the ground.
Best I pull myself together.
Come on, my little ones.
Well, that feels better.
Can I come in?
What do you got?
Fingerprints don't match.
Your friend is not this Thibault Malfete that died in that accident three years ago.
I knew it.
This is how we'll sell it to the cops.
Hello. Well, don't look so astonished. It's magic.
All I did was cast a little....
Good day, my lord.
-I do apologise-- -Damn wizard.
This way.
The trick with pork penis is to chop it very fine.
Be careful.
If you get that on you, you'll grow fur.
Peasant! Peasant!
Get our things ready to go.
Soon we will be back in our beloved homes.
Master, my father is a drunkard. My mother, a hunchback.
My brother is a dwarf and my sister is a whore.
I do not have any beloved home and I don't want to go back with you!
I don't want anymore to run behind your horse.
I want to eat wheel cakes and doughnuts. And I want to have a chariot in iron...
...and exciting men's fashions... from Europe at rock-bottom prices.
And I want to....
And I want....
And I want....
-I want to stay with Lady Angelique. -There you go.
And I want to be free!
And I want to be cool and okay!
You are my property. You will go back with me dead or alive.
-Choose quickly. -Thibault, he only wants what we all want.
He belongs to me.
I decide his fate.
No, master. I mean, no way, Jose.
Please, Thibault.
It's the noble thing to do.
Thank you, Thibault. Long life to your family.
Lady Julia.
If you'll allow me...
...Sire Hunter's sister left this last night in the house of the Troubadour.
His sister?
Hunter doesn't have a sister.
Thank you, Andre.
I am coming!
Hey. Who are you?
Stay here. I will go kill him for you.
-I'll handle this myself. -What are you doing here?
-What's this? -A 12th-century English wizard.
Can we talk in the other room?
Don't touch anything.
What's this?
You offended the lady's honour. Prepare to die.
Did you hear that?
He threatened me. And you're a witness.
You see? He's a violent criminal.
-Thank God I called the police. -The police?
This man's a fraud.
-All he wants is the money. -No. All you want is the money.
It's over.
You couldn't make it through one day without me.
You're my little bunny.
-Do I look like a bunny to you? -No.
-Do I look like a bunny to you? -Nay.
You know what, Hunter? I don't look like a bunny.
I don't act like a bunny. I don't think like a bunny.
If you'd loved me, you wouldn't have made me feel like a bunny!
I am strong and smart, and I don't need you to take care of me!
-Courage is my creed. -Are you insane?
Put that thing away.
You're right. I should.
And stay out!
My Lord, remind you of anyone?
All units, be on the lookout for an armed, dangerous male...
...with kidnap victim, female. Use extreme caution.
Go, gentlemen.
Don't be afraid to use your guns!
Check the kitchen.
Taxi! Museum of Fine Arts, please.
And quickly, or off with your head.
They're getting away!
I'm going after them!
-Where are you all from? -The lady is from here.
The wizard and I are from the 12th century.
12th century, huh?
Don't lose them. We're right behind you.
You stay here!
If we get caught, I will verify to the police that you are our hostage.
All right, now we're talking. Hold on.
Can we go back in time from here?
We must go through the same chamber from whence we came.
Good going, O'Malley.
Roadblocks established, State and Michigan.
He's getting away!
I've never ridden the ''L'' like this before.
The guy in the metal hat with the blonde?
Man, they're already out of here.
Aerial Unit 2. Suspects headed south on Michigan.
Suspects entering museum.
The knight is in his home.
Welcome, Knight. Say hello to the knight.
-Hello, Knight. -Please, wait one second.
I'm sorry, folks, but...
...this exhibit is closed for today. You'll have to move on.
Thank you. Thank you.
What am I going to do without you?
You're my knight in shining armour.
Soon you will find a wonderful man to marry.
You will make a long life together.
I have the vision of this.
You are so charming.
I am so proud of you.
...when your children are big enough to understand...
...I want you to tell them about an old ancestor.
Because I am a part of you, and... day...
...I will be a part of your children.
A present from...
...your great-great-great-great-great...
Will you give this to her for me?
I will.
I promise she'll be the only girl with anything like this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Your Grace.
-What are they doing? -They're drinking vitamins, obviously.
Where is he? The guy with the armour.
He's gone.
One moment!
My dear Earl of Warwick.
In celebration of this happy occasion...
...I want to dismiss forever our disagreements.
Please, drink of our wine.
You shall accept this peace offering, Warwick.
I command you.
What in heaven is wrong with Warwick?
He didn't like the wine.
If he preferred white, he should have said so.
It has been so long since I saw you.
-When have we been apart? -When I was with Lady Julia.
Lady Julia?
She bade me to deliver you this wedding gift.
-It is an odd piece, isn't it? -It is before its time.
She threw me out of the house and then took off with the idiots.
They poisoned my shake.
Wait. They left a note.
It's on old French parchment.
-What does it say? -I don't know.
I don't speak French.
My God. Hunter. Are you okay?
Talk to me!
Stay away from me!
Stay away from me!
Who are you people? Don't touch me!
I am a close friend of the chief of police.
I am the chief of police. You'll make a great servant for the count.
I must tell you that all of us at the firm...
...are delighted with your decision to keep the estate intact.
I can't wait to get really acquainted with this place.
We'll go over everything.
I can even show you the dungeon, unless you're afraid.
She's not afraid.
Courage is her creed.
-How do you know my family's creed? -I know a lot about your family.
Miss Malfete, this is Francois Lecombier.
He's the attorney handling the French interest in the estate.
He knows the history of the castle even better than I do.
Perhaps you'd like to be Miss Malfete's guide today?
It will be my great pleasure.
-Mademoiselle. -Merci.
I have one small worry.
-What's that? -Who will protect me from the devil?
You got me, don't you?
Yes, I got you, babe.
You got me, babe.
Yes, I got you, babe!
Here we go!
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