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( theme music playing ) - I HEARD A NOISE. - THERE'S NO ONE THERE. - ARE YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S LOCKED? - EVERYTHING'S LOCKED, - BOLTED, BARRED. - HAVE YOU CHECKED THE WINDOWS? I CHECKED THE WINDOWS. WHAT ABOUT THE GARAGE? YES, IT'S STILL THERE. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'VE NEVER BEEN BURGLED. IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE SOME VERY VALUABLE OBJETS D'ART. OBJETS D'ART? - MY ROYAL DOULTON... - OH, THAT. AND THE FIGURINES THAT WERE GRANDMAMA'S. OH, YES, THOSE. THE WILKINSONS WERE BURGLED. ON HIS INCOME, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY COULD AFFORD TO BE BURGLED. QUITE HONESTLY, IN THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES, I THINK IT'S A MITE PRETENTIOUS OF THEM TO BE BURGLED. ONE DAY THEY'LL BE SHERIDAN'S. THE WILKINSONS? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR, - MY OBJETS D'ART. - OH. - HYACINTH? - HMM? I THINK SOMETIME WE OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT SHERIDAN. OH, YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE TO TALK ABOUT SHERIDAN. YES, I DO KNOW. BUT NOT THAT KIND OF TALK, - SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE SERIOUS. - WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN? WELL, WE PUT HIM TO HIGHER EDUCATION - BECAUSE YOU WANTED HIM TO BE A QUANTITY SURVEYOR. - MMM-HMMM. SO WHY HAS HE DROPPED MATHS, IN FAVOR OF NEEDLEWORK? BECAUSE HE'S STARTED TO MAKE ALL HIS OWN CLOTHES, THAT'S WHY. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HIM? I WORRY ABOUT ALL MY FAMILY, RICHARD. I WORRY ABOUT DADDY. AM I NEGLECTING HIM? WE OUGHT TO TAKE HIM OUT MORE. DO YOU THINK HE'D NOTICE? IT'S MY DUTY. GOOD NIGHT, RICHARD. GOOD NIGHT, HYACINTH. SOMEWHERE OUTDOORS-- WE'LL TAKE DADDY SOMEWHERE OUTDOORS FOR A PICNIC. IT'S 1:00 IN THE MORNING! I DON'T MEAN NOW, DEAR, I MEAN TOMORROW, WHEN YOU HAVE THE DAY OFF. WE'LL TAKE DADDY SOMEWHERE NICE IN THE COUNTRY FOR A PICNIC. ( groans ) I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE. IT'S IDEAL FOR DADDY, A PICNIC. HE CAN DROP AS MANY CRUMBS AS HE LIKES. I'LL RING DAISY IN THE MORNING AND TELL HER TO GET HIM READY. CAN WE GO TO SLEEP NOW? YES, OF COURSE, DEAR. IT'S BEEN PREYING ON MY MIND. I MUSTN'T NEGLECT DADDY BECAUSE HE'S SOMETIMES DIFFICULT. I KNOW MY DUTY. I TRUST I SHALL ALWAYS BE A CARING DAUGHTER. GOOD NIGHT, RICHARD. WHY DON'T WE MAKE A LIST? - WHAT? - OF DADDY'S FAVORITE SNACKS. COME ON, DEAR. AND WHAT CAN I WEAR THAT WON'T SPOIL IF IT'S SPLASHED OR DRIBBLED ON? ( phone rings ) YOU SWINE, I TOLD YOU I NEVER WANTED TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. OH, IT'S YOU, HYACINTH. NO, I WAS EXPECTING A CALL FROM A MR. BUTTERFIELD. DADDY? YES, YES WE CAN GET HIM READY. A PICNIC? OH, I THINK THAT'S A LOVELY IDEA. NOW GET OFF THE PHONE! WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S ROSE. SHE WAS VERY RUDE. DO YOU THINK SHE'S EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED AGAIN? ROSE IS ALWAYS EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED. SHE WAS VERY EXCITABLE. OH, SHE'LL GET OVER IT. SHE ALWAYS DOES. SHE MENTIONED A GENTLEMAN'S NAME-- BUTTERFIELD. NOW THE ONLY BUTTERFIELDS I KNOW ARE THE QUALITY CAR PEOPLE. THAT RATHER PRESTIGIOUS SHOWROOM WITH THE LEATHER FURNITURE. IT'S PROBABLY NOT THOSE BUTTERFIELDS AT ALL. OH, I BELIEVE IT IS. AND I THINK IT'S THE REAL THING THIS TIME-- YOU CAN TELL IN HER VOICE. I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE HER IN HAND. THE BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE COULD CONSIDERABLY AID HER SOCIAL ADVANCEMENT. - WHERE'S YOUR TIE, RICHARD? - HMM? YOUR TIE, DEAR? WELL, I THOUGHT SINCE WE WERE GOING ON A PICNIC-- RICHARD. MY SISTER ROSE, MRS. BUTTERFIELD. MY SISTER ROSE BUTTERFIELD. YOU'VE MET MY SISTER ROSE, MRS. BUTTERFIELD? YOU KNOW, THE EXECUTIVE CAR PEOPLE. HAS SHE ASKED HIM IF HE WANTS TO GO ON A PICNIC? I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE CAN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE. HE'S BEEN QUIET FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS. I NOTICED THAT. I THOUGHT HE MUST BE DEAD. HAS ANYBODY CHECKED? THAT'S NOT FUNNY, ONSLOW. I KNOW-- TERRIBLE THING IS A PICNIC. WHERE ARE THEY GOING ON THIS PICNIC? OH, I DON'T KNOW, AND I CAN'T STAND HERE GABBING ABOUT IT. I'M EXPECTING A CALL FROM MR. BUTTERFIELD. IT'S ALL RIGHT SAYING, "GET HIM READY." GETTING HIM READY FOR OUR HYACINTH, THAT'S REALLY GETTING HIM READY. DOES SHE MEAN I'VE GOT TO DO SANDWICHES? YOUR HYACINTH WILL NEVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH ONE OF YOUR SANDWICHES. NOW ME, FOR INSTANCE, THAT'S A DIFFERENT MATTER. I COULD JUST MURDER A BACON BUTTIE. WELL, YOU'VE HAD IT! I'VE GOT TO GET FATHER READY. OH, NICE. IS THIS TIE ALL RIGHT? YES, THAT'S FINE, DEAR. I DON'T KNOW WHICH GLASSES TO TAKE. I'LL HAVE TO TAKE SOMETHING PRESENTABLE IN CASE WE'RE OVERLOOKED. WE SHAN'T BE OVERLOOKED IF WE FIND SOMEWHERE QUIET. I'LL TAKE THESE. THESE WON'T LET US DOWN. - CAN YOUR FATHER HANDLE A GLASS? - HMM? OH, DADDY CAN HAVE A BEAKER. BUT I'LL TAKE A GLASS AS WELL, IN CASE THERE ARE PASSERS-BY. I'M NOT HAVING RUMORS CIRCULATING THAT DADDY DRINKS OUT OF A BEAKER. - I'LL ANSWER THAT, DEAR, YOU FINISH PACKING THE GLASSES SAFELY. NOW DO YOU LIKE THE TIE? THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING. OH, IT MUST BE SHERIDAN. YES, OF COURSE WE'LL ACCEPT THE CHARGE. SHERIDAN, HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO RING MOMMY, DEAR. IT'S SHERIDAN! WHAT DOES HE WANT? I DON'T KNOW THAT HE WANTS ANYTHING, DEAR. IT'S A PERSONAL, THOUGHTFUL LITTLE CALL TO HIS MOMMY. YOU NEED WHAT, SHERIDAN? SOME PAJAMAS? WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. NOW YOU SURELY CAN'T BEGRUDGE THE BOY A PAIR OF PAJAMAS. DADDY SAYS OF COURSE YOU MAY HAVE SOME NEW PAJAMAS. I'LL GET SOME AND SEND THEM ON TO YOU. OH, YOU'VE SEEN SOME THAT YOU LIKE? WELL, YES, IT'S NO PROBLEM. WE COULD SEND THE MONEY INSTEAD. HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH? WOULD YOU REPEAT THAT, SHERIDAN? I THINK I MISHEARD, DEAR. NO, I DIDN'T MISHEAR. BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE PURE SILK? YOUR FRIEND TARQUIN ONLY WEARS PURE SILK PAJAMAS. I SEE. NO, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LEFT OUT. GOODBYE, DEAR. - HYACINTH-- - I THINK IT'S SPLENDID THAT SHERIDAN IS MIXING WITH SUCH A NICE CLASS OF PERSON. NOW, I'VE GOT TO GET THESE... YOU CAN'T COME IN! I'M EXPECTING A PERSONAL TELEPHONE CALL! GOOD. IF THERE'S NOTHING ON THE TELLY, I CAN LISTEN TO YOU. DON'T BE A SWINE, ONSLOW. I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD START CHANGING THE HABITS OF A LIFETIME. ( television turns on ) WHERE'S DADDY'S BROWN SHOES? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS BROWN SHOES? NO GOOD ASKING ME, I'VE GOT OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND. ( muttering ) OOOH. OH! I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CRUSHING MY GIRDLE? OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, I'D SAY I HAVEN'T. NOT FOR A WHILE. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE BEING SO SNIFFY ABOUT A PAIR OF PAJAMAS. AT THAT PRICE? IF HE'S MIXING IN THE BETTER CIRCLES, I WILL NOT HAVE MY SHERIDAN LOOKING LIKE A POOR RELATION. ARE YOU THERE, ELIZABETH? THERE'S NO ONE THERE. YOU GIVE UP TOO EASILY. IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT ME, IT'S THAT I GIVE UP TOO EASILY. DID YOU WANT ME, HYACINTH? IN VIEW OF THE WILKINSONS' BURGLARY, I THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE POPPING OUT FOR AN HOUR OR TWO. I'M TAKING DADDY ON A PICNIC. OH, THAT'S NICE. A LITTLE FRESH AIR WILL DO HIM GOOD. YES, I'M SURE IT WILL. I'VE JUST BEEN SPEAKING TO SHERIDAN. HE THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA, TOO. HE'S SUCH A THOUGHTFUL BOY. - IS SHERIDAN WELL? - WELL ENOUGH TO BE BUYING SILK PAJAMAS. ANYTHING COARSER IRRITATES. HE WAS ALWAYS VERY SOFT SKINNED. HE TAKES AFTER ME, I'M AFRAID. MIND THE OLD LADY ON THE PAVEMENT. I'M NOT GOING ON THE PAVEMENT. SUPPOSING SHE SUDDENLY LEAPS OFF? HOW MANY OLD LADIES DO MAKE SUDDEN LEAPS? AND THERE'S A CYCLIST. I CAN SEE HIM. TURN RIGHT HERE, DEAR. RIGHT? YOUR SISTER'S IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. WE'LL CALL FOR PETROL. WE CAN CALL SOMEWHERE ON THE WAY TO DAISY'S. NO, WE'LL CALL SOMEWHERE THIS WAY. WHY? OH, I SEE WHY. WE'LL FILL UP HERE. IF ROSE IS GOING TO BE CONNECTED WITH THE FAMILY, WE MIGHT AS WELL START USING HERE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S THE SAME BUTTERFIELD. HOW MANY BUTTERFIELDS DO YOU THINK THERE ARE IN A SMALL TOWN? ARE YOU PLANNING TO FILL IT YOURSELF? IT'S SELF SERVICE. WELL, NOT FOR THOSE CONNECTED WITH THE FAMILY, SURELY. LOOK, LET'S NOT MAKE A FUSS. OH, VERY WELL. ( phone ringing ) HELLO? IT'S FOR YOU. IT'S YOUR COUSIN RALPHIE. HIYA, KID. AND DON'T HOG THE PHONE, I'M EXPECTING A CALL FROM MR. BUTTERFIELD. WELL, I'M FAIRLY BUSY, RALPHIE, PLUS, IT'S NOT EASY GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THIS DOG. HAS IT GOT TO BE GONE TODAY? I HAVEN'T GOT A ROOF RACK. WELL, HOW HEAVY IS IT? WELL, HE'S READY. I MEAN, FOR ME HE'S READY, WHETHER HE'S READY FOR OUR HYACINTH, WE'LL FIND OUT. WILL YOU GET ONSLOW OFF THE PHONE WITH THEIR RALPHIE? WHAT'S RALPHIE WANT? STUFFING. BRING A BUTTERFIELD HERE. WE SHOULD ARRANGE A LITTLE MEETING AT HOME. I COULD SURROUND HIM WITH COFFEE AND PETITS FOURS AND YOU COULD TALK TO HIM INTELLIGENTLY. - PERHAPS YOU OUT TO START BRUSHING UP YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON THE PROBLEMS OF THE LUXURY CARRIAGE TRADE. THAT SOUNDS FUN. IT'S THE DUSTBIN MEN I FEEL SORRY FOR. I MEAN, HOW CAN THEY DISTINGUISH BETWEEN WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE AND WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO STAY? LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT. ( barking ) - IS DADDY READY? - HE'S READY. DADDY, IT'S HYACINTH, DEAR. NO DON'T GET UNDER THE BED. AT LEAST I HOPE HE'S READY. HASN'T HE GOT A TIE? FOR A PICNIC? JUST BECAUSE IT'S AL FRESCO, IT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S ANY THE LESS A SOCIAL OCCASION. I'LL GET A TIE. THE CAR'S OUTSIDE, DADDY, BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT. I JUST HAVE TO HAVE A WORD WITH ROSE. NO, NO, I TOLD YOU THAT I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR BALL. RICHARD, DO STOP PLAYING WITH THAT ANIMAL. NO, YOU'RE A LOUSE. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LOUSE. AND WHAT'S MORE YOU'VE GOT HAIRY TOES. YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN WITH HAIRY TOES, TED BUTTERFIELD, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A BAD SIGN-- ROSE, YOU CANNOT SPEAK LIKE THAT TO A BUTTERFIELD! GOOD GRACIOUS, GIRL, THINK OF THE BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD. BRIGHT FUTURE? DO YOU KNOW THE BUTTERFIELDS? OF COURSE WE KNOW THE BUTTERFIELDS, WE'VE JUST BEEN THERE. MY SISTER WON'T KEEP YOU A MOMENT, MR. BUTTERFIELD. - WE CALL REGULARLY AT THEIR PLACE OF BUSINESS. - WHAT PLACE OF BUSINESS? MY SISTER'S STANDING HERE IN THE GRIP OF A VERY POWERFUL EMOTION. YOU MUSTN'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF HER HARSH WORDS. IT'S JUST A CRUST THAT SHE'S HAD TO DEVELOP TO COVER HER PURITY AND SIMPLICITY. WE'RE LIKE THAT AS A FAMILY, HIGHER STANDARDS PREVAIL. MY SON WEARS PURE SILK PAJAMAS. ROSE, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO BEHAVE IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE OF THE TOWN'S LEADING COMMERCIAL FAMILIES. WHAT COMMERCIAL FAMILY? THE EXECUTIVE MOTOR SHOWROOM, THE GARAGE, THEIR FORECOURT SERVICE IS UNPARALLELED. HE'S NOT THAT BUTTERFIELD. THIS ONE'S A TOTAL DREK WITHOUT A PENNY TO HIS NAME. HMM? AND FURTHERMORE, WILL YOU KINDLY STOP BOTHERING MY SISTER?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THAT FOR? - I LOVE HIM! - HOW CAN YOU LOVE HIM? THE MAN HAS HAIRY TOES. NOW, THAT'S A MUCH SMARTER DADDY WITH THE TIE. WAIT THERE UNTIL WE FETCH YOU. AND DON'T DISARRANGE YOURSELF. - HAS HE GOT A HANDKERCHIEF? - ONE OF ONSLOW'S. IS IT CLEAN? IT'S CLEAN! WHERE IS ONSLOW? I SUPPOSE HE'S STILL IN BED. HE'S NOT STILL IN BED. HE'S GONE TO BORROW A ROOF RACK. - WHAT FOR? - HE'S GOT TO HELP THEIR RALPHIE MOVE SOMETHING. WHATEVER NEXT? IF SOMEONE C-- WOULD--? IF ANYBODY'S LISTENING, I'M UNDER HERE. RICHARD, I TOLD YOU TO STOP PLAYING WITH THAT DOG. I DON'T WANT HAIRS ALL OVER OUR OLD SOFA. DAISY, AS WELL AS A HANDKERCHIEF I THINK DADDY OUGHT TO HAVE A SMALL TOWEL-- CLEANTOWEL. OH, LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES. YOU'RE COVERED IN HAIRS. THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT. FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR I'VE BEEN COVERED IN DOG. WHERE IS EVERYBODY WHEN YOU NEED THEM? ONSLOW'S GONE BORROWING A ROOF RACK, AND THEN HE'S OFF ON SOME APPALLING UNSTYLISH ERRAND FOR THEIR "RAFE." ( horn honks ) ( horn honks ) OH NICE. OH, NO. - THERE GOES DADDY WITH MY TUNA MAYONNAISE. - AND MY CAR. WELL, WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HIM? I WAS IN THE KITCHEN. I WAS UNDER THE DOG. IMPULSIVE DADDY. I HOPE HE'S NOT GOING TO DRIVE AT SPEEDS INCOMPATIBLE WITH MY CUT-GLASS CONDIMENT SET. IN MY CAR! HOW ARE WE GOING TO CATCH UP WITH HIM? WE'LL HAVE TO GO IN MINE. WHAT TIME IS JILL EXPECTING US? ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO, LIZ. WATCH THE-- OH NO! WASN'T THAT RICHARD'S CAR? I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT WAS RICHARD'S CAR. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE DAMN FOOL BEHIND THE WHEEL WAS, ALL I COULD SEE WAS A CAP. A CAR BEING DRIVEN BY A CAP. WHOA! THERE GOES MY ROOF-RACK! HE'S GETTING AWAY! HE'S GOT A NEWER CAR, HASN'T HE? LET'S HOPE HE KEEPS IT THAT WAY. HE'LL SLOW DOWN IN A BIT. WHY SHOULD HE SLOW DOWN? BECAUSE HE GETS TIRED. YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE-- HE HAS BURSTS OF ENERGY AND THEN HE GOES TO SLEEP. BEHIND THE WHEEL? THAT SHOULD BE INTERESTING. - OH, MY POOR DADDY. - OH, MY POOR CAR! HE DOES. HE COULD BE TALKING TO A PERSON AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SENTENCE, "WHALLOP," HE'S ASLEEP. HE'S SLOWING DOWN. I TOLD YOU. HE'S FEELING TIRED. CAN'T YOU OVERTAKE HIM? ON WHICH SIDE? OH, POOR DADDY, ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL OF A STRANGE CAR. IT'S NOT THE CAR THAT'S STRANGE, IT'S YOUR FATHER. I SHOULD BE WITH HIM IN HIS HOUR OF DANGER. HE MIGHT HAVE AN ACCIDENT. I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF HIM LYING INJURED, HIS DEAR BALD HEAD COVERED IN MY TUNA MAYONNAISE. OH, NO! I THINK MY GASKET'S GONE. I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN YOU WERE CHAPLAIN OF A PRISON. WELL, I DIDN'T. I WAS BEGINNING TO SPEAK OUT OF THE SIDE OF MY MOUTH. IT'S A FRIENDLY PARISH HERE. SOME OF THE WOMEN ARE TOO FRIENDLY. NOW, THAT WAS AN EVIL THOUGHT. Daisy: THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE. OH, DAMN, IT'S THE BUCKET WOMAN! - SHOULD YOU BE SAYING "DAMN" LIKE THAT? - NOT NORMALLY, NO. I'M TURNING ROUND. YOU CAN'T TURN ROUND, YOU HAVE TO HELP THOSE PEOPLE. OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. DAMN, IT'S THE VAMPIRE SISTER! YOU WERE RIGHT, TURN ROUND! TURN ROUND! I CAN'T TURN ROUND NOW, THEY'VE SEEN US. MAY I BE OF ANY HELP? THAT'S VERY, VERY KIND OF YOU, VICAR. PERHAPS YOU COULD GIVE US A LIFT? IT'S NOT OUR CAR, OF COURSE, WE'RE JUST HERE ON CHARITABLE PURPOSES. - ROOM FOR A COUPLE. - THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, VICAR. - THANK YOU, VICAR. - THANK YOU, VICAR. TA, VICAR. ( barking ) - Richard: OH, NO. - DOWN, GIRL. I DO THINK HE'S GOT LOVELY HAIR FOR A VICAR. I CAN'T THINK HOW LONG IT IS SINCE I LAST SAT ON YOUR LAP, ONSLOW. IT MAKES YOUR EYES WATER, I KNOW THAT. HOW FARES THE CHURCH WORLDWIDE THEN, VICAR? FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT IS THE MISSIONARY POSITION IN CHINA THESE DAYS? I THINK THAT DOG'S HAD A COUPLE OF YOUR PLUMS. THIS'LL DO FINE, VICAR. - WHY ARE WE STOPPING HERE? - I PROMISED OUR RALPHIE. - OH. - OH. WE MUST DO THIS MORE OFTEN. IT'S EASIER HELPING OUR RALPHIE MOVE SOMETHING. THEIR RALPHIE'S ALWAYS WANTING HIM TO MOVE SOMETHING. LIKE AN ARM, POSSIBLY. WHAT ABOUT MY CAR? WHAT ABOUT MY PICNIC? WHAT ABOUT MY DADDY? CAN YOU GIVE US A LIFT WITH THIS STUFF, SOMEBODY? I'LL GO. HERE, REV, JUST GET ON THIS END, WILL YOU? - BYE, JILL. - BYE. HEY, LIZ, THAT LOOKS A BIT DODGEY. ( dog barking ) I THOUGHT HYACINTH SAID SHE WAS GOING FOR A PICNIC. LOOKS AS IF THEY'RE PREPARED FOR EVERY CONTINGENCY. ( horn honks ) ( dog barking ) ( theme music playing ) |
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