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Kiss Me Stupid - Billy Wilder 1964

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[INFORMATION] [TITLE] [AUTHOR] [SOURCE]Subtitles captured by SubRip 1.14 [PRG] [FILEPATH] [DELAY]0 [CD TRACK]0 [COMMENT] [END INFORMATION] [SUBTITLE] [COLF]&HFFFFFF,[STYLE]bd,[SIZE]18,[FONT]Arial 00:00:00.00,00:00:00.10 00:00:35.30,00:00:36.63 'S wonderful 00:00:37.63,00:00:39.76 'S marvelous 00:00:40.97,00:00:43.27 You should care 00:00:43.30,00:00:44.64 For me 00:00:46.47,00:00:48.94 'S awful nice 00:00:48.98,00:00:51.95 'S paradise 00:00:51.98,00:00:54.61 'S what I love 00:00:54.65,00:00:57.21 To see 00:00:57.25,00:00:59.35 You make 00:00:59.39,00:01:03.29 My life so glamorous 00:01:03.32,00:01:07.66 You can't blame me[br]for feeling amorous 00:01:08.66,00:01:11.66 Now, is this[br]a bit of terrific, hmm? 00:01:13.00,00:01:17.46 Last night, she was banging[br]on my door for 45 minutes... 00:01:17.51,00:01:18.53 but I wouldn't let her out. 00:01:27.38,00:01:29.87 'S wonderful 00:01:29.92,00:01:33.15 'S marvelous 00:01:33.19,00:01:40.36 That you should care for me 00:01:45.53,00:01:47.50 Don't worry. I'll get the mail. 00:01:47.54,00:01:48.83 I'll get it. 00:01:48.87,00:01:51.50 Uh-oh. Speaking of my mo... 00:01:51.54,00:01:52.80 I have an amazing mother. 00:01:52.84,00:01:57.01 You know, she's 85 years old,[br]and she don't need glasses. 00:01:57.05,00:01:58.10 She drinks[br]right out of the bottle. 00:02:00.05,00:02:01.74 She don't even[br]open them anymore. 00:02:01.78,00:02:03.11 She goes[br]right through the label. 00:02:05.99,00:02:07.45 Oh, and drinking? 00:02:07.49,00:02:09.46 My doctor said,[br]"Stop drinking"... 00:02:09.49,00:02:11.55 so I'm not gonna drink anymore. 00:02:11.59,00:02:14.96 I'm gonna freeze it now[br]and eat it like a Popsicle. 00:02:19.43,00:02:21.96 'S wonderful 00:02:22.00,00:02:24.97 'S marvelous 00:02:25.01,00:02:27.47 You should care 00:02:27.51,00:02:28.48 For me 00:02:28.51,00:02:29.98 2, 3, 4. 00:02:30.01,00:02:32.98 'S awful nice 00:02:33.01,00:02:35.48 'S paradise 00:02:35.52,00:02:38.32 'S what I love 00:02:38.35,00:02:39.98 To see 00:02:40.02,00:02:41.99 I guess you all know[br]this is my last night here. 00:02:42.02,00:02:43.49 Tomorrow morning[br]I'm going to Hollywood... 00:02:43.53,00:02:44.65 and make a new picture... 00:02:44.69,00:02:47.29 me, Frank Sinatra,[br]Sammy Davis Jr... 00:02:47.33,00:02:48.89 and Joey Bishop... 00:02:48.93,00:02:50.36 called "Little Women." 00:02:52.03,00:02:54.00 But before that,[br]I'm gonna do a TV special... 00:02:54.04,00:02:55.50 with Mr. Bing Crosby. 00:02:55.54,00:02:57.60 Now, why Bing works so hard,[br]I'll never know. 00:02:57.64,00:03:00.01 He's got $21 million... 00:03:00.04,00:03:01.63 on him. 00:03:12.09,00:03:14.05 My dear 00:03:14.09,00:03:17.72 It's four-leaf clover time 00:03:17.76,00:03:21.59 From now on,[br]my heart's working overtime 00:03:23.60,00:03:25.03 I don't care[br]who you are, fat man. 00:03:25.07,00:03:26.90 You get them reindeers[br]off my roof. 00:03:29.07,00:03:31.73 'S wonderful 00:03:31.77,00:03:34.57 'S marvelous 00:03:34.61,00:03:36.74 That you should care 00:03:36.78,00:03:41.61 For me 00:03:42.62,00:03:44.08 Good night! Good night! 00:03:44.12,00:03:45.95 See you next year! 00:03:50.29,00:03:51.92 Great, Dino. Only great. 00:03:51.96,00:03:53.83 They were rolling in the aisles. 00:03:53.86,00:03:56.16 Why didn't somebody[br]take their dice away? 00:03:57.47,00:03:58.49 Dino. 00:03:58.53,00:03:59.50 Hmm? 00:03:59.53,00:04:01.37 Am I going to see you[br]before you leave? 00:04:01.40,00:04:02.93 Just one last nightcap? 00:04:02.97,00:04:04.03 You got it. 00:04:04.07,00:04:06.06 I'll be in my room. 00:04:06.11,00:04:07.57 Keep your hat on. 00:04:09.58,00:04:11.04 What's her name? Mitzi? 00:04:11.08,00:04:12.55 No, no. Sylvia. 00:04:12.58,00:04:13.67 Sylvia. 00:04:13.72,00:04:15.71 This one is Mitzi. 00:04:15.75,00:04:16.72 Dino. 00:04:16.75,00:04:17.72 Hmm? 00:04:17.75,00:04:19.72 Are we going to[br]get together tonight? 00:04:19.75,00:04:21.85 Just one for the road, huh? 00:04:21.89,00:04:22.88 It's a must. 00:04:22.92,00:04:24.98 My room later, OK? 00:04:25.99,00:04:27.96 This is beginning to look[br]like Custer's last stand. 00:04:28.00,00:04:28.96 Like what? 00:04:29.00,00:04:30.97 Because it isn't[br]just Sylvia and Mitzi. 00:04:31.00,00:04:32.33 There are all those[br]other Indians. 00:04:32.37,00:04:33.73 You've got Janet[br]in the dressing room... 00:04:33.77,00:04:35.17 Juicy Lucy up in your suite... 00:04:35.20,00:04:36.17 and those German twins... 00:04:36.20,00:04:37.43 waiting for you[br]in the steam room. 00:04:37.47,00:04:38.60 That's the whole idea. 00:04:38.64,00:04:40.97 Now that I got everybody[br]stashed away, I can beat it. 00:04:41.01,00:04:42.98 So you pack my stuff[br]and put it in the car. 00:04:43.01,00:04:44.27 You're going to leave[br]just like that, 00:04:44.31,00:04:45.61 without saying good-bye? 00:04:45.65,00:04:46.98 Damn right, because[br]if I start saying good-bye... 00:04:47.02,00:04:47.98 to all these dames, 00:04:48.02,00:04:50.54 you'll have to carry me[br]out of here... 00:04:50.59,00:04:54.39 what's left of me...[br]in a cigar box... 00:04:54.42,00:04:55.68 baby. 00:05:37.10,00:05:38.57 What's the matter? 00:05:38.60,00:05:40.43 That Sinatra kid missing again? 00:05:40.47,00:05:42.44 We had a bad pileup[br]down the highway. 00:05:42.47,00:05:44.56 You'll have to take the detour. 00:05:44.61,00:05:45.90 Where does that lead to? 00:05:45.94,00:05:49.38 You come out at Barstow,[br]by way of Warm Springs... 00:05:49.41,00:05:52.24 Paradise Valley, and Climax. 00:05:52.28,00:05:53.77 That's the only way to go. 00:06:39.33,00:06:40.29 Fill 'er up? 00:06:40.33,00:06:42.85 Yeah. No, no. Over here. 00:06:49.34,00:06:51.67 Anything else? 00:06:51.71,00:06:53.14 No, thanks. 00:06:55.88,00:06:58.61 Hey! You forgot[br]your green stamps! 00:07:05.12,00:07:06.21 Hi, Barney! 00:07:51.90,00:07:54.46 Deedle, deedle, deedle 00:07:54.50,00:07:57.23 Deedle, deedle, deedle 00:07:57.27,00:07:59.93 Deedle, deedle, d... 00:07:59.97,00:08:01.41 No, no, Mulligan. 00:08:01.44,00:08:03.74 You've got an extra[br]deedle in there. 00:08:03.78,00:08:05.75 It's six deedles, not seven. 00:08:05.78,00:08:08.75 Let's not monkey around[br]with Beethoven, shall we? 00:08:08.78,00:08:10.72 Once more. 00:08:13.75,00:08:14.72 Orville. 00:08:14.76,00:08:16.22 Yes, dear? 00:08:16.26,00:08:17.55 What's the matter? 00:08:20.76,00:08:23.25 Please, dear, not now. 00:09:17.02,00:09:19.25 Mulligan, not only[br]do you have a tin ear... 00:09:19.29,00:09:20.41 you have lead fingers. 00:09:20.45,00:09:22.32 Whoever told you[br]to take up the piano? 00:09:22.36,00:09:23.76 You did, sir. 00:09:23.79,00:09:26.19 Well, I need the money,[br]but what's your excuse? 00:09:26.23,00:09:28.99 It says here[br]molto espressione... 00:09:29.03,00:09:31.09 which means with much[br]expression... 00:09:31.13,00:09:33.69 with feeling, with heart. 00:09:56.76,00:09:58.88 From the top again. 00:10:28.39,00:10:29.36 A-natural! 00:10:29.39,00:10:31.12 A-natural! 00:10:34.90,00:10:36.19 Just a minute, you. 00:10:36.23,00:10:37.20 Oh, hi there, Mr. Spooner. 00:10:37.23,00:10:38.22 Don't you "hi there" me. 00:10:38.27,00:10:40.96 I know your type,[br]sneaking around to back doors. 00:10:41.00,00:10:42.49 All right, let's have it. 00:10:42.54,00:10:43.66 Have what? 00:10:43.70,00:10:44.67 That note my wife left you. 00:10:44.71,00:10:47.27 You must think I'm blind[br]or stupid or something. 00:10:47.31,00:10:49.44 Oh, yeah, the... sure.[br]The note. 00:10:49.48,00:10:52.14 She wanted, uh, two quarts[br]of milk and a dozen eggs. 00:10:52.18,00:10:55.95 A likely story. 00:10:55.98,00:10:59.65 "Two quarts of milk.[br]One dozen eggs." 00:10:59.69,00:11:00.95 what's it all about? 00:11:00.99,00:11:02.39 I'll tell you[br]what it's all about. 00:11:02.42,00:11:03.65 It's about, um... 00:11:03.69,00:11:04.72 buttermilk! 00:11:04.76,00:11:05.95 And she forgot[br]to order buttermilk. 00:11:05.99,00:11:06.96 She always forgets. 00:11:06.99,00:11:08.99 She doesn't like buttermilk,[br]but I like buttermilk. 00:11:09.03,00:11:10.40 There's nothing[br]like buttermilk... 00:11:10.43,00:11:12.96 especially if you[br]have a lazy colon. 00:11:13.00,00:11:14.37 Excuse me. 00:11:35.29,00:11:36.69 No, no, no, Mulligan. 00:11:36.72,00:11:38.45 Now you're leaving out[br]a deedle. 00:11:38.49,00:11:40.52 There are six deedles, not five. 00:11:40.56,00:11:42.05 Orville! 00:11:48.84,00:11:50.77 Yes, lambchop? 00:11:50.81,00:11:53.00 Zip me up, will you, please? 00:11:53.04,00:11:54.01 Going somewhere? 00:11:54.04,00:11:55.30 Yes, and I'm late. 00:11:55.34,00:11:56.74 I don't want[br]to keep him waiting. 00:11:56.78,00:11:59.44 Of course not. Him? Whom? 00:11:59.48,00:12:00.61 The dentist. 00:12:00.65,00:12:02.14 Oh. You got a toothache? 00:12:02.18,00:12:03.62 No. Time to have[br]my teeth cleaned. 00:12:03.65,00:12:04.81 You just had them cleaned. 00:12:04.85,00:12:06.15 I have to go in[br]every three months. 00:12:06.19,00:12:09.25 Dr. Sheldrake says I have[br]very tender gums. 00:12:09.29,00:12:11.85 Oh, he does, does he? 00:12:11.89,00:12:13.12 Bye, darling. 00:12:13.16,00:12:14.63 Bye. 00:12:14.66,00:12:15.99 Where did you get those flowers? 00:12:16.03,00:12:17.69 They're from Johnnie. 00:12:19.10,00:12:21.16 I picked them myself. 00:12:21.20,00:12:22.53 Isn't he sweet? 00:12:22.57,00:12:23.76 Yes, isn't he? 00:12:23.80,00:12:25.64 Well, I'm off. 00:12:25.67,00:12:27.50 See you, Johnnie. 00:13:08.08,00:13:10.18 How old are you, Mulligan? 00:13:10.22,00:13:12.45 Fourteen... going on fifteen. 00:13:16.59,00:13:18.68 Pretty big for your age,[br]aren't you? 00:13:18.73,00:13:20.56 That's what they tell me. 00:13:26.80,00:13:28.67 You stay away from my wife,[br]do you hear me? 00:13:28.70,00:13:29.67 What? 00:13:29.70,00:13:31.23 Pussyfooting around[br]behind my back! 00:13:31.27,00:13:33.30 Bringing flowers[br]to a married woman! 00:13:33.34,00:13:34.90 Let go of me! 00:13:42.78,00:13:44.72 You ought to be horsewhipped! 00:13:49.26,00:13:52.23 And don't you ever[br]come back here again... 00:13:53.23,00:13:54.29 you teenage wolf! 00:13:56.00,00:13:58.36 You male Lolita! 00:13:59.57,00:14:00.73 Orville! 00:14:01.80,00:14:03.46 Hey, you, Orville! 00:14:13.81,00:14:17.48 Listen to this![br]I think I got it. L... 00:14:17.52,00:14:20.25 Are you ready?[br]I'm a poached egg. 00:14:20.29,00:14:21.25 You're a what? 00:14:21.29,00:14:22.45 I'm a poached egg. 00:14:22.49,00:14:24.15 That's it... the title[br]of the song. 00:14:24.19,00:14:25.16 What song? 00:14:25.19,00:14:26.22 The one you played me yesterday. 00:14:27.93,00:14:28.92 Oh, that one. 00:14:28.96,00:14:29.95 I got the whole lyric[br]worked out. 00:14:30.00,00:14:30.96 You want to hear it? 00:14:31.00,00:14:31.97 Not now, Barney. 00:14:32.00,00:14:32.97 I got other things on my mind. 00:14:33.00,00:14:33.97 Oh, come on. Come on. 00:14:34.00,00:14:34.97 I'm not in the mood. 00:14:35.00,00:14:36.56 It's a dilly, I'll tell you. 00:14:36.60,00:14:38.63 Give me a pickup. 00:14:41.84,00:14:43.87 I'm a poached egg 00:14:43.91,00:14:45.34 Without a piece of toast 00:14:45.38,00:14:47.61 Yorkshire pudding 00:14:47.65,00:14:48.95 Without a beef to roast 00:14:48.98,00:14:50.97 I'm a haunted house 00:14:51.02,00:14:53.01 That hasn't got a ghost 00:14:53.05,00:14:55.21 When I'm without you 00:14:55.26,00:14:56.38 Brilliant? 00:14:57.39,00:14:59.38 I'm a mousetrap 00:14:59.43,00:15:00.89 Without a piece of cheese 00:15:00.93,00:15:02.99 I'm Vienna 00:15:03.03,00:15:04.50 Without the Viennese 00:15:04.53,00:15:06.66 I'm da Vinci 00:15:06.70,00:15:08.60 Without the Mona Lis 00:15:08.64,00:15:09.86 When I'm... 00:15:09.90,00:15:11.57 Mona Lis? 00:15:11.61,00:15:13.51 That's what makes it... 00:15:13.54,00:15:15.03 the irregularity... 00:15:15.08,00:15:18.44 that unexpected little twist. 00:15:18.48,00:15:20.47 Keep playing. 00:15:20.51,00:15:22.38 It's ridiculous. 00:15:22.42,00:15:23.44 What do you mean ridiculous? 00:15:23.48,00:15:25.82 I mean this whole[br]songwriting business. 00:15:25.85,00:15:27.88 What are we knocking[br]ourselves out for? 00:15:27.92,00:15:28.95 We must have written[br]fifty songs by now. 00:15:28.99,00:15:29.96 Sixty-two. 00:15:29.99,00:15:31.82 And what's happened? Nothing. 00:15:31.86,00:15:33.02 We write them. I copy them. 00:15:33.06,00:15:34.69 We send them out to[br]all the publishers... 00:15:34.73,00:15:36.86 and the record companies[br]and the singers... 00:15:36.90,00:15:38.42 Tony Bennett,[br]Barbra Streisand... 00:15:38.47,00:15:40.33 Nat "King" Cole,[br]the Four Freshmen. 00:15:40.37,00:15:42.16 And do we ever hear[br]from any of them? 00:15:42.20,00:15:43.97 No! They just steal[br]the stamps... 00:15:44.00,00:15:46.37 from the return[br]self-addressed envelopes. 00:15:46.41,00:15:48.43 Are we gonna[br]go through that again? 00:15:48.48,00:15:49.77 Irving Berlin wrote[br]a hundred songs... 00:15:49.81,00:15:52.40 before he hit it with[br]"Alexander's Ragtime Band." 00:15:52.45,00:15:55.38 And what about George Gershwin[br]and Richard Rodgers? 00:15:55.42,00:15:56.54 But they were professionals... 00:15:56.58,00:16:00.25 and we're amateurs buried here[br]in Climax, Nevada. 00:16:00.29,00:16:02.35 Where do you think[br]Cole Porter came from? 00:16:02.39,00:16:03.88 Peru, Indiana. 00:16:03.92,00:16:06.05 Hank Mancini?[br]Aliquippa, Pennsylvania. 00:16:06.09,00:16:08.39 Johnny Mercer?[br]Savannah, Georgia. 00:16:08.43,00:16:11.73 And he only won[br]four Academy Awards. 00:16:11.77,00:16:13.96 So play! 00:16:16.94,00:16:18.91 I'm Las Vegas 00:16:18.94,00:16:20.37 Without a slot machine 00:16:20.41,00:16:22.47 I'm a gypsy 00:16:22.51,00:16:23.94 Without a tambourine 00:16:23.98,00:16:25.95 I'm Napoleon 00:16:25.98,00:16:27.74 Without a Josephine 00:16:27.78,00:16:30.08 When I'm without you 00:16:30.12,00:16:33.18 Gets better[br]all the time, huh? 00:16:33.22,00:16:35.25 I'm a doctor 00:16:35.29,00:16:36.72 Without a single pill 00:16:36.76,00:16:38.78 I'm a lawyer 00:16:38.83,00:16:40.32 Who never drew a will 00:16:40.36,00:16:41.99 I'm a dentist 00:16:42.03,00:16:44.19 Without a tooth to fill 00:16:44.23,00:16:45.29 When I'm... 00:16:49.00,00:16:50.94 Tender gums. 00:16:50.97,00:16:54.17 That's a hell of a thing[br]to say to a married woman. 00:16:54.21,00:16:56.80 Oh, what are you talking about? 00:16:56.84,00:16:58.14 It's that new dentist. 00:16:58.18,00:16:59.65 I can't keep her[br]away from the place. 00:16:59.68,00:17:01.58 She's there right now,[br]in the chair. 00:17:01.62,00:17:04.18 He's tilting her[br]all the way back. 00:17:04.22,00:17:05.95 He's giving her laughing gas. 00:17:05.99,00:17:08.15 She's laughing.[br]He's laughing, too! 00:17:08.19,00:17:09.99 They're both laughing...[br]at me! 00:17:10.02,00:17:10.99 Relax, will you, Orville? 00:17:11.03,00:17:12.19 You'll drive yourself crazy. 00:17:12.23,00:17:13.39 Dr. Sheldrake. 00:17:13.43,00:17:14.45 Sheldrake. 00:17:14.50,00:17:15.83 Dr. Sheldrake. Dr. Sheldrake. 00:17:15.86,00:17:16.85 Sheldrake. 00:17:18.10,00:17:20.50 Did you hear the one[br]about the nearsighted turtle... 00:17:20.53,00:17:22.33 who fell in love with a helmet? 00:17:27.78,00:17:30.51 Then there's the one[br]about the nearsighted snake... 00:17:30.54,00:17:32.21 who proposed[br]to a piece of rope! 00:17:36.25,00:17:37.72 Hello? 00:17:37.75,00:17:39.38 This is Dr. Sheldrake. 00:17:39.42,00:17:41.15 I told you. Listen to them. 00:17:44.29,00:17:45.76 I know what[br]you're laughing at... 00:17:45.79,00:17:46.76 you and my wife, 00:17:46.79,00:17:49.35 and I'm going to report you[br]to the Dental Association! 00:17:49.40,00:17:52.13 Who is this? 00:17:52.17,00:17:53.46 This is the husband... 00:17:53.50,00:17:54.59 and you're not[br]kidding me for a second. 00:17:54.64,00:17:56.87 I know what you're doing to her. 00:17:56.90,00:18:00.03 I'm putting an inlay[br]in her lower left bicuspid. 00:18:00.07,00:18:03.10 I thought so.[br]Let me talk to her. 00:18:03.14,00:18:05.41 Mrs. Mulligan,[br]your husband on the phone. 00:18:05.45,00:18:06.41 Mrs. Mulligan? 00:18:06.45,00:18:07.54 I don't want to talk[br]to Mrs. Mulligan. 00:18:07.58,00:18:09.55 I want to talk[br]to Mrs. Spooner! 00:18:09.58,00:18:11.74 Mrs. Spooner? She isn't here. 00:18:11.79,00:18:13.88 Her appointment[br]isn't till next Wednesday. 00:18:13.92,00:18:15.75 Next Wednesday? 00:18:15.79,00:18:18.45 Oh! I'll give her the message[br]when she comes home. 00:18:18.49,00:18:21.69 You were right.[br]I was worrying about nothing. 00:18:21.73,00:18:23.25 She isn't even there. 00:18:23.30,00:18:24.73 You nut! 00:18:27.37,00:18:29.43 I'm a bullfight 00:18:29.47,00:18:30.87 Without a matador 00:18:30.90,00:18:32.93 I'm a heckler 00:18:32.97,00:18:34.44 Who never gets the floor 00:18:34.48,00:18:36.34 Casanova 00:18:36.38,00:18:38.17 The night he didn't score 00:18:38.21,00:18:39.20 Each time... 00:18:40.85,00:18:43.21 Why isn't she there?[br]Where is she? 00:18:43.25,00:18:44.22 Why was she lying to me? 00:18:44.25,00:18:46.08 Oh, for heaven's sakes, Orville. 00:18:46.12,00:18:47.71 It's Johnnie Mulligan,[br]of course. 00:18:47.75,00:18:49.38 His mother's at the dentist... 00:18:49.42,00:18:51.39 he's at home alone, and[br]she's with him! 00:18:51.43,00:18:54.79 Johnnie Mulligan? Come off it.[br]He ain't even shaving yet. 00:18:58.73,00:19:02.67 The milkman! He's shaving.[br]It must be some kind of code. 00:19:02.70,00:19:04.93 A dozen eggs... that's twelve. 00:19:04.97,00:19:07.41 They're meeting behind[br]the dairy at 12:00. 00:19:07.44,00:19:09.14 Now you're running amok. 00:19:09.18,00:19:11.14 You can't go around[br]suspecting everybody. 00:19:13.11,00:19:15.17 Sometimes I'm not even[br]so sure about you. 00:19:15.22,00:19:16.31 Me? 00:19:16.35,00:19:18.25 I'm scared, Barney.[br]I'll tell you, I'm scared. 00:19:18.29,00:19:19.88 I'm married to[br]the prettiest girl in town... 00:19:19.92,00:19:21.15 and she's gonna leave me[br]one of these days. 00:19:21.19,00:19:22.16 I just know it. 00:19:22.19,00:19:23.42 - She will?[br]- Yes, she will. 00:19:23.46,00:19:25.43 And you know why?[br]Because you're a nobody. 00:19:25.46,00:19:27.43 Giving piano lessons[br]for a buck and a quarter. 00:19:27.46,00:19:30.12 Maybe once a week you play[br]a wedding or a funeral. 00:19:30.16,00:19:31.50 Big deal. 00:19:31.53,00:19:34.43 Why, a beautiful girl like that,[br]she should be spoiled. 00:19:34.47,00:19:36.53 A touch of mink,[br]fun in Acapulco... 00:19:36.57,00:19:37.70 breakfast at Tiffany's! 00:19:37.74,00:19:38.97 Fat chance. 00:19:39.01,00:19:41.94 Orville, all it takes[br]is one hit, just one hit. 00:19:41.98,00:19:43.41 "How Much is That Doggie[br]in the Window?"... 00:19:43.44,00:19:44.43 three million records. 00:19:44.48,00:19:47.24 "White Christmas"...[br]eight million records. 00:19:47.28,00:19:50.01 You think Irving Berlin's[br]afraid of losing his wife? 00:19:50.05,00:19:51.02 No, I guess not. 00:19:51.05,00:19:52.14 That's why you got to keep 00:19:52.19,00:19:53.98 putting those[br]nickels in the slot. 00:19:54.02,00:19:56.82 Because you never know when[br]you're gonna hit the jackpot. 00:19:56.86,00:19:59.52 Yeah. I guess so. 00:19:59.56,00:20:01.72 Well, then, let's go. 00:20:04.36,00:20:06.09 I'm a poached egg 00:20:06.13,00:20:07.50 Without a piece of toast 00:20:07.53,00:20:09.30 Yorkshire pudding 00:20:09.34,00:20:10.83 Without a beef to roast 00:20:10.87,00:20:12.67 I'm a haunted house 00:20:12.71,00:20:14.20 That hasn't got a ghost 00:20:14.24,00:20:16.73 When I'm without you 00:20:22.62,00:20:23.58 I'm a mousetrap 00:20:23.62,00:20:25.92 Hey! Hey! 00:20:25.95,00:20:27.42 I'm Vienna 00:20:27.45,00:20:28.44 Without the Viennese 00:20:28.49,00:20:29.61 I'm da Vinci 00:20:30.62,00:20:32.09 Without the Mona Lis 00:20:32.13,00:20:33.72 When I'm without you 00:20:33.76,00:20:35.46 You know, I'm beginning[br]to like that Mona Lis. 00:20:35.50,00:20:36.62 What did I tell you? 00:20:39.47,00:20:42.80 Aw, hold it, mister![br]I'm coming. 00:20:42.84,00:20:44.74 Stay with it, will you? 00:20:53.38,00:20:54.51 What'll it be? 00:20:54.55,00:20:58.38 A shave and a haircut.[br]The works, baby. 00:21:15.50,00:21:16.49 Hey. 00:21:17.50,00:21:18.47 What's the matter? 00:21:18.51,00:21:19.53 You know who you are? 00:21:19.57,00:21:21.97 Sure. I'm the greatest.[br]I'm the prettiest. 00:21:22.01,00:21:24.07 Y-y... 00:21:24.11,00:21:25.94 What do you do for[br]cigarettes around here, huh? 00:21:25.98,00:21:28.88 - Cigarettes?[br]- Yeah. 00:21:28.92,00:21:30.28 Hmm. 00:21:34.15,00:21:35.92 Or... 00:21:35.96,00:21:37.25 Orville! 00:21:37.29,00:21:39.59 Hey, Orville! 00:21:44.16,00:21:46.13 Come here quick! 00:21:47.90,00:21:49.53 You know, I've been here[br]for five years... 00:21:49.57,00:21:51.63 but this is the first time[br]that anybody... 00:21:51.67,00:21:52.83 oh, sure, back in '61... 00:21:52.87,00:21:54.93 Liberace pulled in here[br]with a flat tire... 00:21:54.98,00:21:59.24 but we never had anybody[br]that's somebody like you. 00:21:59.28,00:22:00.91 Where's the men's room? 00:22:03.08,00:22:04.05 Oh. 00:22:04.08,00:22:05.28 Wait a minute. 00:22:05.32,00:22:06.91 I want you to meet[br]a friend of mine. 00:22:06.95,00:22:08.44 Orville, look who we got here! 00:22:08.49,00:22:09.96 Who? 00:22:09.99,00:22:12.19 It's Dino! 00:22:12.23,00:22:14.46 Oh! How do you do? 00:22:14.49,00:22:15.46 This is Orville Spooner. 00:22:15.50,00:22:18.09 He plays the piano and the organ[br]at the church. 00:22:18.13,00:22:19.86 Oh, he's a terrific musician. 00:22:19.90,00:22:20.87 Well... 00:22:20.90,00:22:21.87 the face is familiar. 00:22:21.90,00:22:23.06 Oh? 00:22:23.10,00:22:24.63 Not yours, his. 00:22:24.67,00:22:25.83 Oh. 00:22:25.87,00:22:28.20 OK if I go[br]to the john now? 00:22:32.41,00:22:35.38 Orville, this is it.[br]This is our jackpot. 00:22:35.42,00:22:38.04 Remember "That's Amore"? ...[br]top single for 37 weeks. 00:22:38.09,00:22:39.38 Or "Memories are Made[br]of This"? ... 00:22:39.42,00:22:41.65 over two million copies! 00:22:41.69,00:22:44.02 And he's got his own[br]recording company. 00:22:44.06,00:22:45.82 I'll run over and get[br]some of our songs! 00:22:45.86,00:22:47.26 No, no, no. That's[br]not the way to do it. 00:22:47.29,00:22:48.82 You got to be more subtle. 00:22:48.86,00:22:50.39 Subtle? 00:22:50.43,00:22:52.76 Just start singing him[br]one of our tunes, casual-like. 00:22:52.80,00:22:54.49 Or hum a little. Catch his ear. 00:22:54.53,00:22:55.52 I see. 00:22:55.57,00:22:57.90 What are you waiting for? Go! 00:23:08.72,00:23:10.27 I'm a poached egg 00:23:10.32,00:23:11.88 Without a piece of toast 00:23:11.92,00:23:13.25 Yorkshire pudding 00:23:13.29,00:23:14.72 Without a beef to roast 00:23:14.76,00:23:16.52 I'm a haunted house 00:23:16.56,00:23:18.08 That hasn't got a ghost 00:23:18.13,00:23:20.49 When I'm without you 00:23:34.21,00:23:35.90 I'm a western 00:23:35.94,00:23:37.84 Without a hitching post 00:23:37.88,00:23:40.90 There's paper towels[br]in the ladies' room. 00:23:57.30,00:23:59.06 I'm a mousetrap 00:23:59.10,00:24:00.50 Without a piece of cheese 00:24:00.53,00:24:02.13 I'm da Vinci 00:24:02.17,00:24:03.76 Without the Mona Lis 00:24:03.80,00:24:05.90 Mona Lis? 00:24:13.68,00:24:14.98 I'm Las Vegas 00:24:15.02,00:24:16.28 Without a slot machine 00:24:16.32,00:24:17.72 I'm Napoleon 00:24:17.75,00:24:19.41 Without a Josephine 00:24:19.45,00:24:20.51 What's with him? 00:24:20.55,00:24:22.39 Catchy tune, isn't it?[br]We wrote it together. 00:24:22.42,00:24:23.68 - No.[br]- Yeah. 00:24:23.72,00:24:25.19 We're gonna call it[br]"I'm a Poached Egg." 00:24:25.23,00:24:29.56 I'm a poached... cuckoo.[br]How much do I owe you? 00:24:29.60,00:24:31.69 $5.15. Too bad[br]you're in such a hurry... 00:24:31.73,00:24:33.70 because if we had just[br]a little more time... 00:24:33.73,00:24:35.20 Here you are. 00:24:35.24,00:24:38.83 100? Oh, I can't change this.[br]I'll have to run to the bank. 00:24:38.87,00:24:40.53 Why don't you have a cup[br]of coffee with Orville? 00:24:40.57,00:24:41.54 Get acquainted. 00:24:41.58,00:24:42.60 We've got a lot of songs... 00:24:42.64,00:24:45.04 and they really sound[br]better on the piano. 00:24:45.08,00:24:46.27 Uh, just a minute. 00:24:46.31,00:24:48.21 Here, here. Here's $10. 00:24:48.25,00:24:49.91 Keep the change. 00:24:51.75,00:24:52.84 Oh, wait! 00:24:52.89,00:24:55.51 I forgot to check the oil. 00:24:55.56,00:24:58.12 You know, uh, "I Left My Heart[br]in San Francisco?" 00:24:58.16,00:24:59.25 Big hit, right? 00:24:59.29,00:25:00.26 They stole it from us. 00:25:00.29,00:25:01.19 Is that so? 00:25:01.23,00:25:02.70 We wrote it first,[br]only it was called... 00:25:02.73,00:25:04.32 "I Left My Heart[br]in San Diego." 00:25:04.36,00:25:06.80 Exactly the same idea. 00:25:06.83,00:25:08.89 We just missed by a few miles. 00:25:11.94,00:25:13.46 All set. 00:25:13.51,00:25:15.48 We also have an[br]Italian-type song... 00:25:15.51,00:25:17.00 like "Volare," only better. 00:25:17.04,00:25:18.74 It would be just perfect[br]for you. 00:25:18.78,00:25:19.75 Shove it in an envelope... 00:25:19.78,00:25:21.47 and send it to[br]my office in Hollywood. 00:25:22.48,00:25:24.31 Oh, no. All you guys want to[br]do... 00:25:24.35,00:25:27.34 is steal those return stamps! 00:25:27.39,00:25:32.22 Aww, the hell with him.[br]He sings flat anyway. 00:25:32.26,00:25:34.63 Flat, sharp, or round...[br]he sells, doesn't he? 00:25:34.66,00:25:36.46 Yeah. I guess we muffed it. 00:25:36.50,00:25:39.29 Who knows when we'll get[br]a chance like this again? 00:25:39.33,00:25:41.77 Oh, I'd say[br]in about three minutes. 00:25:41.80,00:25:42.77 Three minutes? 00:25:42.80,00:25:44.24 I disconnected his fuel line. 00:25:44.27,00:25:45.26 He's got enough gas[br]in the carburetor... 00:25:45.31,00:25:48.14 to go a couple blocks. 00:25:48.17,00:25:49.14 Cuckoo! 00:25:49.18,00:25:50.14 Yeah. Right now he's stalled... 00:25:50.18,00:25:51.73 on the corner[br]of Citrus and Yucca. 00:25:51.78,00:25:53.34 He's going into Pringle's[br]hardware store. 00:25:53.38,00:25:55.41 He's asking if he[br]could use the phone. 00:25:55.45,00:25:58.88 We should be hearing from him[br]in about ten seconds. 00:25:58.92,00:26:03.29 Five, four, three, two, one. 00:26:04.89,00:26:07.19 You answer it.[br]I'll get the tow truck. 00:26:13.33,00:26:15.43 Barney's Service Station. 00:26:15.47,00:26:20.43 Oh, hello there.[br]Of course I remember you. 00:26:20.47,00:26:22.60 What seems to be the trouble? 00:26:53.91,00:26:56.03 what is this,[br]a gag or something? 00:26:56.08,00:26:57.60 A gag? 00:26:57.64,00:26:59.48 You're sure you didn't[br]mess around with that motor? 00:26:59.51,00:27:01.48 That's a terrible thing to say. 00:27:01.51,00:27:03.71 Well, what's wrong with it? 00:27:03.75,00:27:06.78 Look. If this is your attitude,[br]I'm not even gonna tell you. 00:27:06.82,00:27:08.52 He's a factory-trained mechanic. 00:27:08.56,00:27:10.52 That's like being a doctor.[br]You got to take an oath. 00:27:10.56,00:27:12.49 All right, doc,[br]what's the word? 00:27:14.36,00:27:15.85 You know anything about cars? 00:27:15.90,00:27:19.99 Me? I need a copilot to turn on[br]the windshield wiper. 00:27:20.03,00:27:21.06 The left intake valve[br]is cracked... 00:27:21.10,00:27:23.23 on account of that[br]double camshaft... 00:27:23.27,00:27:25.24 because of[br]the internal combustion. 00:27:25.27,00:27:26.40 That bad? 00:27:26.44,00:27:29.34 It happens once in a while.[br]You know these Italian cars. 00:27:29.38,00:27:30.93 Well, don't stand there[br]talking to each other. 00:27:30.98,00:27:33.31 Fix it! 00:27:33.35,00:27:34.94 "Fix it," he says. 00:27:36.05,00:27:38.04 I have to send to L.A.[br]for a new part... 00:27:38.08,00:27:39.14 and if they don't have it,[br]it has to come... 00:27:39.19,00:27:40.58 from the distributor[br]in New York... 00:27:40.62,00:27:41.68 and if he doesn't have it... 00:27:41.72,00:27:44.49 it has to come from[br]the factory in Milan. 00:27:44.52,00:27:45.49 Milan? 00:27:45.53,00:27:47.25 That's ridiculous.[br]He's a busy man. 00:27:47.29,00:27:48.39 You bet I am. 00:27:48.43,00:27:50.33 I got to get back and do[br]a television special. 00:27:50.36,00:27:52.06 Oh, really? What channel? 00:27:52.10,00:27:53.66 What the hell difference[br]does it make? 00:27:53.70,00:27:54.79 I want to watch it. 00:27:54.83,00:27:55.80 Well, we'll watch it together... 00:27:55.84,00:27:57.27 because I'll probably[br]still be here. 00:27:57.30,00:28:00.74 Quiet, will you? Let me think. 00:28:00.77,00:28:02.24 What I could do[br]is take a valve... 00:28:02.28,00:28:04.90 from that old Chevy[br]and grind it down to fit. 00:28:04.94,00:28:06.41 That should get you[br]to Hollywood. 00:28:06.45,00:28:07.54 He knows his business. 00:28:07.58,00:28:08.74 And how long will that take? 00:28:08.78,00:28:09.98 Well, if I work all night... 00:28:10.02,00:28:12.11 I can have it for you[br]first thing in the morning. 00:28:12.15,00:28:13.78 You mean I got to spend[br]the night in this dump? 00:28:13.82,00:28:15.81 They just opened[br]a brand-new motel here. 00:28:15.86,00:28:17.76 He wouldn't like it.[br]It stinks. 00:28:17.79,00:28:18.76 How can you say that? 00:28:18.79,00:28:20.78 It's got all the modern[br]conveniences. 00:28:20.83,00:28:21.79 Didn't you hear what happened? 00:28:21.83,00:28:22.80 A skunk got into[br]the air conditioning. 00:28:22.83,00:28:23.89 I don't care where I sleep. 00:28:23.93,00:28:25.86 Just find me[br]an empty pool table. 00:28:25.90,00:28:27.37 I'm sure Mr. Spooner[br]would be glad... 00:28:27.40,00:28:28.59 to put you up[br]for the night. 00:28:28.64,00:28:29.83 Wouldn't you, Orville? 00:28:29.87,00:28:32.36 Me? Oh, of course I would. 00:28:32.41,00:28:33.70 He's got a spare room... 00:28:33.74,00:28:35.80 and it's right[br]across the street. 00:28:35.84,00:28:38.78 His wife... oh, his wife's a[br]great cook. 00:28:38.81,00:28:39.97 I get the scene. 00:28:40.01,00:28:41.24 This way. 00:28:41.28,00:28:43.15 No, not you. You stay here... 00:28:43.18,00:28:45.88 and start grinding[br]that little grabber. 00:28:45.92,00:28:47.68 Come on. Let's go. 00:28:54.79,00:28:56.85 Tell me, since we're both[br]in the same racket... 00:28:56.90,00:28:58.16 Tin Pan Alley... 00:28:58.20,00:29:01.33 don't you think that rock'n'roll[br]is on the way out? 00:29:01.37,00:29:03.36 They're just not writing them[br]the way they used to... 00:29:03.40,00:29:05.39 I mean those evergreens[br]like "Star Dust" 00:29:05.44,00:29:06.77 and "Melancholy Baby." 00:29:06.81,00:29:08.71 Look, let's cut out[br]all the small talk. 00:29:08.74,00:29:09.87 I'm bushed. 00:29:11.75,00:29:12.91 It's real quiet here. 00:29:12.95,00:29:14.41 You can take a nice long nap... 00:29:14.45,00:29:16.92 then we'll have some dinner,[br]and afterwards... 00:29:16.95,00:29:19.44 we can sit around the piano[br]and sing some songs. 00:29:19.49,00:29:20.98 Is that the only[br]action in this town? 00:29:21.02,00:29:22.51 Oh, no. There's a bowling alley. 00:29:22.56,00:29:24.65 Or you can stand outside[br]Pringle's hardware store... 00:29:24.69,00:29:26.75 and watch color[br]television in the window. 00:29:26.79,00:29:27.99 Hey, you're not[br]reading me right, pal. 00:29:28.03,00:29:29.82 What's with the broads[br]around here? 00:29:29.86,00:29:32.83 Broads? Oh, you mean[br]action action. 00:29:32.87,00:29:35.39 Yeah. It's a habit[br]with me, like breathing. 00:29:35.44,00:29:37.23 I should have known[br]from the gossip columns. 00:29:37.27,00:29:38.67 Well, it's not that I like to. 00:29:38.71,00:29:40.87 You see, I have to[br]because if I skip one night... 00:29:40.91,00:29:42.93 I wake up the next morning[br]with such a headache. 00:29:42.98,00:29:44.67 Oh. 00:29:44.71,00:29:47.01 No, no.[br]This is our bedroom. 00:29:47.05,00:29:48.67 You're in there. 00:29:55.76,00:29:56.95 This is it... 00:29:56.99,00:29:59.98 a sort of a combination[br]sewing room and guest room. 00:30:03.03,00:30:04.72 you ought to have this tuned. 00:30:04.76,00:30:05.92 Tuned? 00:30:06.77,00:30:08.50 About your problem...[br]you know... 00:30:08.54,00:30:09.97 that headache you[br]were talking about... 00:30:10.00,00:30:12.63 maybe you ought[br]to try the Belly Button. 00:30:12.67,00:30:13.66 The what? 00:30:13.71,00:30:16.20 There's this roadhouse[br]just outside town... 00:30:16.24,00:30:17.30 called the Belly Button. 00:30:17.34,00:30:19.54 They've got these[br]cocktail waitresses. 00:30:19.58,00:30:20.60 They're very friendly. 00:30:20.65,00:30:22.64 At least, that's what I hear.[br]I've never been there myself. 00:30:22.68,00:30:24.21 After all, I'm a married man. 00:30:26.82,00:30:27.81 This your wife? 00:30:27.85,00:30:29.29 Yes, sir. Her name is lambchop. 00:30:29.32,00:30:31.98 It's really Zelda.[br]I call her lambchop. 00:30:32.03,00:30:33.15 How about that? 00:30:33.19,00:30:35.86 She sews and she knits[br]and she puts up preserves. 00:30:35.90,00:30:38.76 And she grows her own parsley. 00:30:38.80,00:30:40.16 Must be a great girl all around. 00:30:40.20,00:30:42.33 Oh, she is. 00:30:42.37,00:30:44.86 You lucky dog! 00:30:50.98,00:30:52.74 Well, I guess[br]you're all set here. 00:30:52.78,00:30:54.01 You know where everything is. 00:30:54.05,00:30:56.64 It takes a few minutes[br]for the hot water to get hot. 00:30:56.68,00:31:00.08 And if there's anything[br]else you want... 00:31:00.12,00:31:01.48 bye now. 00:31:26.65,00:31:27.61 Oh, hello, darling. 00:31:27.65,00:31:28.91 Hello. 00:31:28.95,00:31:30.21 Sorry I'm late. 00:31:30.25,00:31:33.95 Dr. Sheldrake sends[br]you his regards. 00:31:33.99,00:31:35.78 That's nice. 00:31:35.82,00:31:36.79 How'd it go there? 00:31:36.82,00:31:38.59 - Where?[br]- At the dentist. 00:31:38.63,00:31:39.79 Oh, fine. Fine. 00:31:39.83,00:31:40.79 Did he hurt you? 00:31:40.83,00:31:43.69 No. But he thinks he'll have to[br]pull my wisdom tooth. 00:31:45.90,00:31:47.49 You're lying, Zelda. 00:31:47.53,00:31:48.86 Well, maybe he can save it. 00:31:48.90,00:31:50.49 You weren't[br]at the dentist at all. 00:31:50.54,00:31:52.50 Your appointment[br]isn't till next Tuesday. 00:31:52.54,00:31:53.51 It's next Wednesday. 00:31:53.54,00:31:55.01 So where were you today? 00:31:55.04,00:31:57.03 If you must know,[br]I was at my mother's. 00:31:57.08,00:31:58.10 On a Saturday? 00:31:58.14,00:31:59.84 Isn't that when she works[br]at the blood bank? 00:31:59.88,00:32:01.85 Orville, I'm not going to[br]answer any more questions. 00:32:01.88,00:32:03.54 You haven't[br]answered any so far. 00:32:03.58,00:32:05.45 I'm sick and tired[br]of you spying on me... 00:32:05.49,00:32:06.51 and cross-examining me... 00:32:06.55,00:32:08.18 and checking the mileage[br]on my car. 00:32:08.22,00:32:09.88 Don't change the subject. 00:32:09.92,00:32:11.05 I have myself vaccinated... 00:32:11.09,00:32:12.68 and right away you want[br]to know who bit me. 00:32:12.73,00:32:14.52 All right, who bit you? 00:32:14.56,00:32:18.76 I mean, where were you?[br]And what's in that box? 00:32:19.77,00:32:21.17 You really want me[br]to tell you? 00:32:21.20,00:32:23.19 Yes. 00:32:23.24,00:32:25.03 It's a present for my lover. 00:32:25.07,00:32:27.80 Oh! Oh, it is, huh? 00:32:41.19,00:32:42.78 It's today? 00:32:42.82,00:32:44.48 September 30th. 00:32:44.52,00:32:47.29 I thought it was the 31st. 00:32:47.33,00:32:50.06 It was going to be a surprise,[br]and now you've spoiled it. 00:32:50.10,00:32:52.96 I'm sorry, darling.[br]I guess I'm a monster. 00:32:53.00,00:32:54.13 Yes, you are. 00:32:54.17,00:32:55.66 I don't know why[br]you put up with me. 00:32:55.70,00:32:56.67 I don't, either. 00:32:56.70,00:32:58.73 Talk about mental cruelty. 00:32:58.77,00:32:59.74 Jealousy. 00:32:59.77,00:33:03.64 Suspicion, nagging,[br]and cross-examining. 00:33:03.68,00:33:04.70 Do you want to know[br]why I'm late? 00:33:04.74,00:33:06.23 You don't have to explain. 00:33:06.28,00:33:07.94 Because of those[br]idiots at the bakery. 00:33:07.98,00:33:10.92 I ordered pistachio cake,[br]and they made it chocolate. 00:33:10.95,00:33:12.58 I know how you hate chocolate. 00:33:12.62,00:33:15.09 Pistachio, chocolate...[br]who cares? 00:33:15.12,00:33:17.15 I love you. 00:33:17.19,00:33:18.75 Actually, I didn't mind waiting 00:33:18.79,00:33:21.16 because otherwise I never[br]would have seen him. 00:33:21.19,00:33:22.46 Who? 00:33:22.50,00:33:23.93 I looked out the window... 00:33:23.96,00:33:27.56 and there he was,[br]driving by in his car. 00:33:27.60,00:33:29.16 Who? 00:33:29.20,00:33:32.54 He wore sunglasses,[br]and he needed a shave... 00:33:32.57,00:33:35.54 but I recognized him anyway. 00:33:35.58,00:33:37.01 Who? 00:33:40.61,00:33:41.98 Dino? 00:33:42.02,00:33:43.54 I nearly fainted. 00:33:43.58,00:33:45.98 I've been crazy about him[br]since I was 16. 00:33:46.02,00:33:46.99 You never told me. 00:33:47.02,00:33:49.22 I used to be president of[br]his fan club... 00:33:49.26,00:33:50.85 and secretary-treasurer. 00:33:50.89,00:33:51.98 There were just two[br]of us... 00:33:52.03,00:33:53.93 me and Rosalie Schultz,[br]but she chickened out... 00:33:53.96,00:33:55.09 and went over to Mitch Miller. 00:33:55.13,00:33:56.99 I don't blame her. 00:33:57.03,00:34:00.12 Imagine, Dino in person...[br]driving down Citrus Avenue. 00:34:00.17,00:34:02.60 You must be imagining it.[br]It's ridiculous. 00:34:02.64,00:34:05.16 What would a guy like that[br]be doing in Climax? 00:34:05.20,00:34:07.04 Anyway, I read somewhere[br]that he's in Hollywood. 00:34:07.07,00:34:08.44 Television or something.[br]What are you doing? 00:34:08.47,00:34:09.44 I just want to play "Volare." 00:34:09.48,00:34:10.44 Oh, no, you don't. 00:34:10.48,00:34:11.50 Why not? 00:34:11.54,00:34:13.48 You never know[br]who's going to barge in. 00:34:13.51,00:34:14.64 Who? 00:34:14.68,00:34:17.84 I don't know. Rosalie Schultz,[br]Mitch Miller, anybody. 00:34:17.88,00:34:20.82 And besides, I don't want[br]a strange man singing to you. 00:34:20.85,00:34:21.84 There you go again. 00:34:21.89,00:34:26.29 I mean, after all,[br]it is our anniversary. 00:34:30.33,00:34:31.96 I've got another[br]surprise for you. 00:34:32.00,00:34:33.16 Another? 00:34:33.20,00:34:34.46 You'll love it. 00:34:34.50,00:34:36.73 I'd better go in the sewing[br]room and finish it. 00:34:36.77,00:34:38.00 You do that. 00:34:43.78,00:34:45.68 Sewing room! 00:34:45.71,00:34:48.77 Zelda. Wait! 00:34:48.82,00:34:50.08 What are you[br]going in there for? 00:34:50.12,00:34:51.34 I have some sewing to do. 00:34:51.38,00:34:52.75 What sewing? 00:34:52.79,00:34:54.05 It's a secret. 00:34:54.09,00:34:55.75 You know I don't like secrets. 00:34:55.79,00:34:56.81 All right, if you insist. 00:34:56.86,00:34:59.35 I'm making myself[br]a black chiffon negligee. 00:34:59.39,00:35:00.86 I just have to put[br]the lace on the collar. 00:35:00.89,00:35:02.95 I want it to be[br]ready for tonight. 00:35:03.00,00:35:05.79 You don't need lace[br]on the collar. 00:35:05.83,00:35:08.60 You don't even need[br]a negligee. 00:35:08.63,00:35:11.10 And we don't have[br]to wait for tonight. 00:35:15.64,00:35:16.94 I have no more[br]lessons today... 00:35:16.98,00:35:19.21 and we're all alone[br]in the house... 00:35:19.25,00:35:20.21 so why don't we... 00:35:20.25,00:35:22.41 In the middle[br]of the afternoon? 00:35:22.45,00:35:24.18 That's what makes it... 00:35:24.22,00:35:26.01 the irregularity... 00:35:26.05,00:35:28.08 that unexpected little twist. 00:35:28.12,00:35:30.85 Orville, have you been[br]reading "Playboy" again? 00:35:30.89,00:35:32.36 You just relax. 00:35:32.39,00:35:35.36 I'll be with you[br]in a minute, lambchop. 00:36:19.81,00:36:20.86 I was just coming to see you. 00:36:20.91,00:36:21.93 Look what I got... 00:36:21.97,00:36:23.67 all the Italian food[br]they had at the market. 00:36:23.71,00:36:26.23 Macaroni, parmigiana,[br]frozen pizza, chianti. 00:36:26.28,00:36:27.25 Forget it. 00:36:27.28,00:36:28.30 That's what he likes. 00:36:28.35,00:36:29.34 You'll gonna give him[br]an Italian dinner... 00:36:29.38,00:36:30.71 play him our Italian song. 00:36:30.75,00:36:33.05 Oh, no. He's gonna get into[br]his Italian car and beat it! 00:36:33.09,00:36:34.07 What do you mean? 00:36:34.12,00:36:36.18 I don't want him in the house.[br]We got to get rid of him. 00:36:36.22,00:36:37.19 After all the trouble[br]we went to? 00:36:37.22,00:36:39.21 - You heard me.[br]- Why? 00:36:39.26,00:36:40.38 Because he's a sex maniac. 00:36:40.43,00:36:41.62 So what? That's his problem. 00:36:41.66,00:36:43.96 But it's my wife![br]He's already after her. 00:36:44.00,00:36:46.46 And what's worse, she's crazy[br]about him, too. 00:36:46.50,00:36:49.99 Oh. What's wrong with that?[br]He likes her. She likes him. 00:36:50.04,00:36:51.30 So while you're[br]plugging the songs... 00:36:51.34,00:36:53.33 she's sort of[br]putting him in the mood. 00:36:53.37,00:36:55.43 Why, you miserable... 00:36:55.47,00:36:57.44 are you suggesting[br]that I use my wife? 00:36:57.48,00:36:59.74 Watch that chianti. 00:36:59.78,00:37:01.41 I don't care if[br]I never sell a song. 00:37:01.45,00:37:03.97 I'd rather starve first[br]because I love my wife. 00:37:04.02,00:37:05.42 I adore her. I worship her. 00:37:05.45,00:37:06.48 Don't you trust her? 00:37:06.52,00:37:09.39 No. Excuse me. 00:37:40.55,00:37:42.38 Hurry up, playboy. 00:37:49.10,00:37:51.39 It is no use arguing, Barney. 00:37:51.43,00:37:54.30 Just reconnect[br]his fuel line and... pssst. 00:37:54.33,00:37:56.36 Well, not so fast. 00:37:57.57,00:37:59.60 Why do we have to[br]get rid of him? 00:37:59.64,00:38:01.61 Why don't we get rid of her? 00:38:01.64,00:38:02.61 Zelda? 00:38:02.64,00:38:04.27 Sure. Just send her away[br]for the night... 00:38:04.31,00:38:05.37 if you're so worried. 00:38:05.41,00:38:06.90 Send her away.[br]That's already better... 00:38:06.95,00:38:08.14 but it won't work. 00:38:08.18,00:38:09.15 Why not? 00:38:09.18,00:38:10.77 Didn't you hear what I said? 00:38:10.82,00:38:13.15 This guy is only[br]interested in action. 00:38:13.19,00:38:14.35 He's not going to spend[br]the night here... 00:38:14.39,00:38:17.48 just with me, eating macaroni[br]and listening to our songs. 00:38:17.52,00:38:18.92 He's going to be[br]at the Belly Button... 00:38:18.96,00:38:21.29 Iooking for broads. 00:38:21.33,00:38:22.99 Hold it. Hold it, hold it. 00:38:23.03,00:38:24.76 Why does he have to go[br]to the Belly Button? 00:38:24.80,00:38:26.99 Why don't we bring[br]the Belly Button to him? 00:38:27.03,00:38:28.30 Now you're going too fast. 00:38:28.33,00:38:29.43 Once Zelda's out of the way... 00:38:29.47,00:38:31.44 we pick up one of those[br]cocktail waitresses... 00:38:31.47,00:38:32.46 and get her over here. 00:38:32.51,00:38:34.03 Mmm. That'll keep him[br]in the house. 00:38:34.07,00:38:35.37 How am I going to[br]explain it to him? 00:38:35.41,00:38:37.40 That I was afraid he was going[br]to make a pass at my wife... 00:38:37.44,00:38:38.71 so we got him a chippy instead? 00:38:38.74,00:38:40.91 You don't have to[br]explain anything. 00:38:40.95,00:38:43.94 Just introduce her as your wife. 00:38:43.98,00:38:45.68 What? 00:38:45.72,00:38:46.88 Does he know[br]what Zelda looks like? 00:38:46.92,00:38:48.35 - No, but...[br]- Then that's it. 00:38:48.39,00:38:51.25 He's going to get[br]all the action he wants. 00:38:51.29,00:38:53.42 Barney, you're sick! 00:38:53.46,00:38:56.66 Uh-huh. He can[br]tickle her and pinch her... 00:38:56.70,00:38:59.36 grab her, wrestle with her. 00:39:01.00,00:39:02.52 Excuse me. 00:39:40.81,00:39:43.04 Nice little lambchop. 00:39:46.21,00:39:47.84 Coming, Orville. 00:39:49.75,00:39:51.58 All right, all right. 00:39:51.62,00:39:52.64 So it's a great idea. 00:39:52.69,00:39:54.65 But just tell me one thing[br]if you're so clever... 00:39:54.69,00:39:56.25 how do I get rid of my wife? 00:39:56.29,00:39:58.85 That's the easiest part.[br]Hit her. 00:39:58.89,00:39:59.98 Hit her? 00:40:00.03,00:40:02.39 Or start an argument[br]or get her sore at you. 00:40:02.43,00:40:05.80 Shove a grapefruit in her face.[br]There's lots of ways. 00:40:05.83,00:40:07.53 You want me to[br]louse up my marriage? 00:40:07.57,00:40:09.43 It's just for one night. 00:40:09.47,00:40:11.46 So she cries a little.[br]She goes home to her mother. 00:40:11.50,00:40:12.97 And tomorrow morning[br]you can explain... 00:40:13.01,00:40:13.99 the whole thing to her. 00:40:14.04,00:40:15.70 You buy her a nice present. 00:40:15.74,00:40:17.00 By that time,[br]you can afford it... 00:40:17.04,00:40:19.48 because we'll have[br]sold all those songs. 00:40:19.51,00:40:22.64 You mean for no reason[br]at all... a grapefruit? 00:40:22.68,00:40:24.38 Right in the kisser. 00:40:24.42,00:40:25.41 Oh, I couldn't do that. 00:40:25.45,00:40:26.85 You've got to[br]because you love her. 00:40:26.89,00:40:28.98 It's for her own good. 00:40:29.02,00:40:30.25 Orville! 00:40:31.62,00:40:34.15 Good luck. And you better[br]get her out of here fast... 00:40:34.19,00:40:35.46 because I'm on my way[br]to the Belly Button... 00:40:35.49,00:40:37.36 to pick up that dame. 00:40:43.10,00:40:44.47 Orville! 00:40:46.51,00:40:50.41 Oh, Barney brought this...[br]a little anniversary present. 00:40:50.44,00:40:51.50 Why did you get dressed again? 00:40:51.54,00:40:52.64 Again? 00:40:52.68,00:40:54.01 After you took a shower. 00:40:54.05,00:40:56.45 I did? Oh, of course. 00:40:56.48,00:40:59.88 And I got dressed again[br]because I was feeling chilly. 00:40:59.92,00:41:01.94 You certainly didn't act chilly. 00:41:01.99,00:41:02.95 When? 00:41:02.99,00:41:04.58 When I was in the shower. 00:41:04.62,00:41:07.09 I thought you were going to[br]climb right in with me. 00:41:07.13,00:41:10.82 You did? I mean, did I? 00:41:10.86,00:41:14.66 We could save a lot of money[br]on our water bill. Hmm? 00:41:14.70,00:41:15.96 Hmm. 00:41:16.00,00:41:17.47 Look what I dug up. 00:41:17.50,00:41:18.47 What? 00:41:18.50,00:41:19.97 Our wedding pictures. 00:41:20.01,00:41:23.67 Oh? Just let me get[br]rid of this stuff. 00:41:23.71,00:41:25.07 All right. 00:41:36.72,00:41:38.31 Hey, you. 00:41:39.36,00:41:41.35 Beethoven. 00:41:45.53,00:41:48.23 When am I going to meet[br]that wife of yours? 00:41:48.27,00:41:50.90 She's taking a nap because she[br]just took a shower... 00:41:50.94,00:41:52.96 but I guess you know that. 00:41:53.01,00:41:55.41 Did you say she grows[br]her own parsley? 00:41:55.44,00:41:57.74 Yes. You'll have[br]some for dinner. 00:41:57.78,00:41:59.51 That's when you'll[br]meet her... at dinner. 00:41:59.55,00:42:01.91 I think I'll catch a little[br]shut-eye myself... 00:42:01.95,00:42:04.01 so I can be nice and fresh. 00:42:04.05,00:42:05.61 Fresh? 00:42:05.65,00:42:09.49 I have a hunch this may turn[br]out to be a big night. 00:42:53.37,00:42:56.66 Come here, darling.[br]You'll get a kick out of these. 00:42:56.70,00:42:58.36 Out of what? 00:42:58.40,00:43:00.67 Our wedding pictures.[br]Remember that day? 00:43:00.71,00:43:04.54 Do I? It was[br]the worst day of my life. 00:43:04.58,00:43:06.14 I thought it was beautiful. 00:43:06.18,00:43:07.91 Oh, you did? 00:43:07.95,00:43:08.91 It was just that[br]you tried to do... 00:43:08.95,00:43:11.14 too many things[br]at the same time. 00:43:11.18,00:43:12.28 Whoever heard[br]of a bridegroom... 00:43:12.32,00:43:16.45 playing the organ[br]at his own wedding? 00:43:16.49,00:43:18.75 Look at mother...[br]crying her eyes out. 00:43:18.79,00:43:23.02 I'm glad you brought that up. 00:43:23.06,00:43:26.00 You want to know how[br]I feel about your mother? 00:43:26.03,00:43:27.00 No. 00:43:27.03,00:43:30.30 All right, I'll tell you.[br]She makes me throw up. 00:43:30.34,00:43:32.43 The way she treats your father. 00:43:32.47,00:43:34.87 And you know[br]what she looks like? 00:43:34.91,00:43:36.00 Godzilla! 00:43:36.04,00:43:37.44 Now, now, Orville. 00:43:37.48,00:43:39.03 Now, now, what? 00:43:39.08,00:43:40.67 Mother may be a little[br]difficult, but... 00:43:40.71,00:43:42.84 Difficult? She's impossible. 00:43:42.88,00:43:47.25 A mean, vicious, loud-mouthed,[br]interfering old bag! 00:43:47.29,00:43:49.78 Now, what do you think of that? 00:43:49.82,00:43:52.79 Well, basically I have[br]to agree with you. 00:43:52.83,00:43:54.16 You do? 00:43:54.19,00:43:56.99 Why do you think I got married?[br]To get away from her. 00:43:57.03,00:44:00.56 Oh, so that's the reason[br]why you married me. 00:44:00.60,00:44:05.09 Not the only reason.[br]I also love you. 00:44:05.14,00:44:07.26 Oh. 00:44:07.31,00:44:10.74 Here are some pictures[br]from our honeymoon. 00:44:10.78,00:44:12.74 Honeymoon? 00:44:12.78,00:44:16.41 Boy, was that ever a flop. 00:44:16.45,00:44:17.81 I wouldn't say that. 00:44:17.85,00:44:20.55 Oh, you wouldn't? 00:44:20.59,00:44:23.71 I'll admit the first night[br]was a little disappointing... 00:44:23.76,00:44:24.81 when they didn't[br]have a room for us... 00:44:24.86,00:44:26.72 and we had to sleep[br]out in your old rambler. 00:44:27.96,00:44:30.09 It was a Volkswagen. 00:44:30.13,00:44:31.36 Darling, here's a picture. 00:44:31.40,00:44:32.92 It was a rambler,[br]a blue rambler. 00:44:32.97,00:44:35.49 It was pink. 00:44:35.53,00:44:36.50 Don't tell me. 00:44:36.54,00:44:38.03 Of course it was blue... 00:44:38.07,00:44:39.83 exactly the same color[br]as my eyes. 00:44:39.87,00:44:43.60 Your eyes are pink. 00:44:43.64,00:44:45.97 What are you talking about?[br]I have blue eyes. 00:44:46.01,00:44:47.31 I say they're pink. 00:44:47.35,00:44:50.18 You want to make[br]something of it? 00:44:50.22,00:44:53.91 Orville, what is this...[br]some kind of a new game? 00:44:56.22,00:44:57.92 I wonder who that could be. 00:45:02.96,00:45:04.39 Good afternoon, Mrs. Spooner. 00:45:04.43,00:45:05.42 May we come in? 00:45:05.46,00:45:07.16 Of course, Reverend. 00:45:08.23,00:45:09.22 Hello,[br]Mrs. Spooner. 00:45:09.27,00:45:10.24 Mrs. Mulligan. 00:45:10.27,00:45:11.26 - Hi, Zelda.[br]- Hi, Rosalie. 00:45:11.30,00:45:13.40 We hate to intrude[br]on you like this... 00:45:13.44,00:45:14.70 but we're collecting[br]signatures... 00:45:14.74,00:45:16.83 for a petition[br]urging the city council... 00:45:16.88,00:45:19.64 to close down[br]that dreadful place... 00:45:19.68,00:45:21.77 if the ladies[br]will forgive my language... 00:45:21.81,00:45:24.98 the Belly Button. 00:45:25.02,00:45:28.89 Of course. We'll be glad[br]to sign, won't we, Orville? 00:45:28.92,00:45:30.25 We will? 00:45:30.29,00:45:34.32 Well, it's a disgrace,[br]a cesspool... 00:45:34.36,00:45:35.76 a blot on our community. 00:45:35.79,00:45:38.52 I understand they let minors[br]use the cigarette machine. 00:45:38.56,00:45:40.83 Rosalie and I went[br]in there to investigate... 00:45:40.87,00:45:42.53 and two strange men[br]approached us... 00:45:42.57,00:45:44.40 and offered to[br]buy us Bloody Marys. 00:45:44.44,00:45:46.20 I got the distinct impression 00:45:46.24,00:45:48.60 that there's love for sale[br]on the premises. 00:45:48.64,00:45:54.74 "Love For Sale," Cole Porter...[br]a million and a half copies. 00:45:54.78,00:45:57.77 Well, what are we waiting for?[br]Who's got a fountain pen? 00:46:06.89,00:46:09.29 Oh, I see you're celebrating[br]your anniversary. 00:46:09.33,00:46:10.32 Our fifth. 00:46:10.36,00:46:12.02 What a lovely cake. 00:46:12.06,00:46:13.05 Pistachio? 00:46:13.10,00:46:14.29 Would you like a piece? 00:46:14.33,00:46:16.32 I wouldn't want you[br]to spoil it. 00:46:16.37,00:46:18.60 Oh, well, maybe just[br]a little piece. 00:46:18.64,00:46:20.63 In that case, I'll have[br]a little piece, too. 00:46:20.67,00:46:21.64 Reverend? 00:46:21.67,00:46:22.64 No, thank you. 00:46:22.67,00:46:23.90 Cholesterol, you know. 00:46:23.94,00:46:26.17 Thank you. 00:46:26.21,00:46:29.51 However, if you happen to[br]have half a grapefruit. 00:46:32.08,00:46:36.25 Well, actually, I was[br]saving it for my wife. 00:47:06.08,00:47:07.81 What do you say, Barney? 00:47:10.26,00:47:11.24 Is Polly working today? 00:47:11.29,00:47:12.78 - Sure.[br]- Where? 00:47:12.83,00:47:16.52 She's gone back to[br]being a blond again. 00:47:24.10,00:47:25.93 Hey, Polly,[br]we were just wondering... 00:47:25.97,00:47:28.70 how do you get that thing[br]to stay in there? 00:47:28.74,00:47:30.00 I glue it in. 00:47:30.04,00:47:31.77 Ha ha ha! 00:47:32.98,00:47:35.61 What would happen[br]if I unglued it? 00:47:35.65,00:47:37.55 You'd get beer in your eye. 00:47:37.58,00:47:38.74 From there? 00:47:38.78,00:47:41.48 From here. 00:47:53.43,00:47:55.59 Look, Bertha, you still want[br]those new seat covers... 00:47:55.63,00:47:57.03 in your station wagon? 00:47:57.07,00:47:58.06 Why? 00:47:58.10,00:48:00.26 I'll give them to you[br]for half price... 00:48:00.31,00:48:01.70 if you'll do me a little favor. 00:48:01.74,00:48:03.37 Like what? 00:48:06.21,00:48:09.24 It's OK with me[br]if it's OK with Polly. 00:48:09.28,00:48:10.61 Muah! 00:48:16.92,00:48:20.38 Listen, Polly, I got[br]a proposition for you. 00:48:20.43,00:48:22.55 Step back.[br]Here comes a big one. 00:48:23.73,00:48:24.70 Gesundheit. 00:48:24.73,00:48:26.43 Like I said,[br]I got a proposition. 00:48:26.47,00:48:27.43 I need you. 00:48:27.47,00:48:28.49 Right now? 00:48:28.53,00:48:29.50 It's an emergency. 00:48:29.53,00:48:31.13 Yeah, it must be. 00:48:31.17,00:48:33.64 Actually, it's not for me.[br]It's for a friend of mine. 00:48:33.67,00:48:35.44 He's giving a little party.[br]It's an all-night job. 00:48:35.47,00:48:37.03 I just got on duty. 00:48:37.08,00:48:39.04 I won't be through[br]till 1:00 in the morning. 00:48:39.08,00:48:41.24 It's OK. I talked to Big Bertha. 00:48:41.28,00:48:42.47 It's all fixed. 00:48:42.51,00:48:44.28 You better get yourself[br]another girl. 00:48:44.32,00:48:47.01 I'm coming down with this cold,[br]and I feel lousy. 00:48:47.05,00:48:49.21 Well, if you want to[br]pass up 25 bucks. 00:48:49.25,00:48:51.72 - How much?[br]- 25 bucks. 00:48:51.76,00:48:53.75 Huh? 00:48:53.79,00:48:55.02 Suddenly I feel better. 00:48:56.06,00:48:57.69 Atta girl. Let's go. 00:48:57.73,00:48:59.06 Don't you want me to[br]change my clothes first? 00:48:59.10,00:49:00.43 Come on.[br]I got my motor running. 00:49:00.47,00:49:01.73 At least let me[br]put on a coat. 00:49:01.77,00:49:02.73 What for? 00:49:02.77,00:49:04.70 Do you want me[br]to catch pneumonia? 00:49:04.74,00:49:06.14 On an outside job like this... 00:49:06.17,00:49:07.80 I'm not covered[br]by any Blue Cross. 00:49:07.84,00:49:08.93 Ok, but step on it. 00:49:08.97,00:49:10.00 I'll pick you up[br]around the back. 00:49:10.04,00:49:11.07 Yeah. 00:49:23.19,00:49:25.99 Bang! Bang! Bang! 00:49:57.02,00:49:58.08 Here's your dinner, Sam. 00:49:59.09,00:50:01.46 I won't be home till late. 00:50:01.49,00:50:02.69 Polly! 00:50:02.73,00:50:05.39 I'm coming! 00:50:05.43,00:50:07.63 Now, don't stay up[br]all night watching TV. 00:50:07.67,00:50:08.79 It's not good for your eyes. 00:50:13.51,00:50:14.94 Are you kidding? 00:50:14.97,00:50:17.00 I'm not going in any truck. 00:50:17.04,00:50:21.31 Listen to her... Princess Grace.[br]Get your keister in here! 00:50:21.35,00:50:24.37 You know what you are?[br]No gentleman. 00:50:24.42,00:50:26.51 Come on! Come on! 00:50:26.55,00:50:27.98 OK. 00:50:45.90,00:50:48.13 Say, what kind of party[br]is this anyway? 00:50:48.17,00:50:50.16 My friend will explain[br]the whole thing to you. 00:50:50.21,00:50:51.90 What are you so worried about? 00:50:51.94,00:50:55.11 Well, the last time I took[br]a job like this was July 4th. 00:50:55.15,00:50:56.71 It was one of those[br]bachelor barbecues... 00:50:56.75,00:51:00.45 with fireworks and everything,[br]and they raffled me off. 00:51:00.49,00:51:02.08 I went for $83. 00:51:03.26,00:51:05.16 Except the next day,[br]the check bounced... 00:51:05.19,00:51:08.52 so all I got out of it[br]was a case of poison ivy. 00:51:13.97,00:51:16.37 Thank you, Mrs. Spooner. 00:51:16.40,00:51:17.37 Bye, Rosalie. 00:51:17.40,00:51:18.53 Happy anniversary, Zelda. 00:51:18.57,00:51:20.30 Come, come, ladies.[br]We have a lot of work to do. 00:51:20.34,00:51:22.67 We need another 400 signatures. 00:51:25.51,00:51:26.74 Reverend. 00:51:29.08,00:51:30.51 Are you sure you[br]don't need some help? 00:51:30.55,00:51:32.48 After all, 400 signatures. 00:51:32.52,00:51:34.01 Why don't you take[br]my wife along? 00:51:34.05,00:51:35.49 She's very good[br]at this sort of thing. 00:51:35.52,00:51:36.58 Oh, I wouldn't think of it. 00:51:36.62,00:51:38.38 Not on your anniversary. 00:51:40.79,00:51:42.42 This way, playboy. 00:51:53.27,00:51:56.60 In case there are[br]any more petitions. 00:51:56.64,00:51:57.73 Yeah. 00:52:01.81,00:52:03.04 Now... 00:52:03.08,00:52:04.71 Where were we? 00:52:06.45,00:52:09.75 You know, this town isn't[br]going to be the same... 00:52:09.79,00:52:13.02 if they close down[br]the Belly Button. 00:52:13.06,00:52:14.05 Why should you care? 00:52:14.09,00:52:15.42 Why should I care? 00:52:15.46,00:52:17.43 I happen to be their[br]biggest customer. 00:52:17.46,00:52:18.43 You? 00:52:18.46,00:52:19.95 All those nights[br]when you thought... 00:52:20.00,00:52:21.99 I was at choir practice[br]or bowling... 00:52:22.03,00:52:24.30 or watching color television[br]outside Pringle's... 00:52:24.34,00:52:26.07 I was really[br]at the Belly Button. 00:52:26.10,00:52:27.40 Doing what? 00:52:27.44,00:52:30.24 Using that cigarette machine,[br]drinking Mary Bloodies... 00:52:30.28,00:52:32.44 and a lot of other things, but[br]I'd rather not talk about it... 00:52:32.48,00:52:35.21 because you'll just get sore[br]and walk out on me. 00:52:35.25,00:52:36.51 What other things? 00:52:36.55,00:52:37.85 You may think I'm[br]sort of a square... 00:52:37.88,00:52:40.72 but ask any of those[br]cocktail waitresses there... 00:52:40.75,00:52:43.78 I am a swinger. 00:52:43.82,00:52:45.08 Sure you are. 00:52:45.12,00:52:47.56 I wouldn't have it[br]any other way. 00:53:01.64,00:53:05.01 Poor Zelda. I guess the wife[br]is always the last to know. 00:53:05.04,00:53:06.03 Know what? 00:53:06.08,00:53:08.81 For your information, I have[br]been playing around for years. 00:53:08.85,00:53:09.87 Oh? 00:53:09.92,00:53:11.08 And not just with those[br]waitresses... 00:53:11.12,00:53:12.52 with some of your best friends. 00:53:12.55,00:53:13.54 Like who? 00:53:13.59,00:53:15.58 Well, I'm too much of[br]a gentleman to mention names... 00:53:15.62,00:53:16.78 but last Thanksgiving... 00:53:16.82,00:53:19.09 there was a little incident[br]in the organ loft. 00:53:19.12,00:53:21.42 Oh, you and Rosalie Schultz. 00:53:21.46,00:53:22.45 How did you know? 00:53:22.49,00:53:24.89 She told me all about it.[br]We had a big laugh. 00:53:24.93,00:53:25.95 You mean, you were discussing... 00:53:26.00,00:53:27.43 my sex life[br]with another woman... 00:53:27.47,00:53:28.69 and laughing about it? 00:53:28.73,00:53:29.89 What sex life? 00:53:29.94,00:53:31.40 So you chased her[br]up the bell tower. 00:53:31.44,00:53:33.63 It just so happens[br]that she chased me. 00:53:33.67,00:53:36.40 What difference does it make?[br]Nobody caught anybody. 00:53:36.44,00:53:38.07 And anyway, I trust you. 00:53:38.11,00:53:40.10 You trust me? 00:53:40.15,00:53:42.48 That's a lousy thing to say[br]about your husband. 00:53:42.51,00:53:44.98 Don't you think I'm attractive[br]to other women? 00:53:45.02,00:53:47.35 You're attractive to me. 00:53:48.39,00:53:50.05 So come to bed. 00:53:52.92,00:53:54.15 Oh, no. 00:53:54.19,00:53:55.66 You're not going[br]to weasel out of it. 00:53:55.69,00:53:58.09 The truth is, you don't[br]give a damn about me... 00:53:58.13,00:54:00.56 because if you did,[br]you'd be jealous. 00:54:00.60,00:54:02.07 You'd fight for me. 00:54:02.10,00:54:03.97 It's the most primitive[br]emotion there is. 00:54:04.00,00:54:05.26 You take the Watusis. 00:54:05.30,00:54:07.53 I read all about it[br]in the "National Geographic"... 00:54:07.57,00:54:09.27 in Dr. Sheldrake's office. 00:54:09.31,00:54:11.07 If a Watusi wife[br]catches another woman... 00:54:11.11,00:54:13.13 with a Watusi husband, you[br]know what she does? 00:54:13.18,00:54:15.77 She buries her in sand up to[br]her neck... 00:54:15.81,00:54:17.91 and smears honey[br]all over her head... 00:54:17.95,00:54:20.01 and lets the red ants[br]loose on her. 00:54:20.05,00:54:22.08 But what do you do[br]when Rosalie Schultz... 00:54:22.12,00:54:23.78 tries to steal your husband? 00:54:23.82,00:54:26.09 You give her a piece[br]of pistachio cake! 00:54:26.12,00:54:28.32 Well, if that's[br]all you care about me... 00:54:28.36,00:54:29.38 I've had it. 00:54:29.43,00:54:31.62 I'm not staying here[br]another minute. 00:54:31.66,00:54:34.00 Where do you think you're going? 00:54:34.03,00:54:36.00 I'm going home to mother. 00:54:38.67,00:54:42.66 Orville! Wait a minute.[br]What are you doing? 00:54:42.71,00:54:44.37 That's right. What am I doing? 00:54:44.41,00:54:45.60 It's the other way around. 00:54:45.64,00:54:47.70 You're going home[br]to your mother. 00:54:47.75,00:54:50.18 Darling, what's[br]the matter with you? 00:54:50.22,00:54:52.08 All day you've been[br]trying to pick a fight. 00:54:52.12,00:54:53.35 It's for your own good. 00:54:53.39,00:54:55.38 There isn't room enough[br]here for the three of us. 00:54:55.42,00:54:56.75 The three of us? 00:54:56.79,00:54:59.95 I mean the four of us.[br]Out you go. 00:54:59.99,00:55:02.52 Orville, you're not[br]making any sense. 00:55:02.56,00:55:05.29 This is me, your wife.[br]Zelda, remember? 00:55:05.33,00:55:06.59 Five years ago today... 00:55:06.63,00:55:09.53 we promised to love, honor,[br]and cherish each other... 00:55:09.57,00:55:10.76 and you were so nervous... 00:55:10.80,00:55:13.24 you put the ring[br]on the minister's finger. 00:55:13.27,00:55:17.54 Oh, cut out that sentimental[br]slush! 00:55:17.58,00:55:18.97 Out! 00:55:19.01,00:55:20.03 Oh... 00:55:22.95,00:55:25.14 Don't cry, lambchop. Please. 00:55:25.18,00:55:26.81 Maybe I'm not[br]making any sense now... 00:55:26.85,00:55:28.15 but I'll make a lot[br]of sense tomorrow... 00:55:28.19,00:55:29.65 when I explain[br]the whole thing. 00:55:29.69,00:55:30.68 Don't bother! 00:55:30.72,00:55:32.59 Tomorrow or any other time! 00:55:40.80,00:55:42.60 Zelda! 00:56:00.92,00:56:04.69 Nice timing, Orville.[br]Now we're cooking. 00:56:04.72,00:56:09.18 I wish I were in hell[br]with my back broken. 00:56:09.23,00:56:11.99 Just wait till you see[br]what I brought for dessert. 00:56:13.37,00:56:15.23 This is Polly. 00:56:18.10,00:56:19.09 My friend Orville. 00:56:19.14,00:56:20.43 Hi. 00:56:20.47,00:56:22.06 Not here. 00:56:22.11,00:56:23.67 You want the whole[br]neighborhood to know? 00:56:23.71,00:56:25.57 Get her in the house. 00:56:25.61,00:56:26.80 That's some welcome. 00:56:26.85,00:56:29.41 Stop beefing.[br]This is cash on the line... 00:56:29.45,00:56:31.07 and no poison ivy. 00:56:31.12,00:56:32.71 Come on. Come on. 00:56:41.49,00:56:44.26 You got a wastepaper basket[br]someplace? 00:56:46.53,00:56:47.96 Well, what do you think of her? 00:56:48.00,00:56:49.90 I guess she's all right,[br]but I wouldn't know. 00:56:49.93,00:56:53.80 You can take my word for it.[br]She's a pistol, a real pistol. 00:56:53.84,00:56:54.90 Say, what is this? 00:56:54.94,00:56:56.67 You brought me all[br]the way here on approval? 00:56:56.71,00:56:59.11 No, no. You got a deal. Right? 00:56:59.14,00:57:00.48 Oh, sure. We've gone this far. 00:57:00.51,00:57:01.95 We may as well[br]go through with it. 00:57:01.98,00:57:03.71 Don't force yourself, mister. 00:57:03.75,00:57:05.22 Oh, I didn't mean it that way. 00:57:05.25,00:57:06.31 I think you're[br]most attractive... 00:57:06.35,00:57:08.08 and you're going to do[br]a very good job. 00:57:08.12,00:57:10.25 What does he want now,[br]references? 00:57:10.29,00:57:12.38 Simmer down. You, too... 00:57:12.42,00:57:14.19 because it's gonna work out[br]just great. 00:57:14.23,00:57:15.62 I hope so. 00:57:15.66,00:57:17.59 Don't bet on it, hon. 00:57:17.63,00:57:18.76 I better leave you alone now. 00:57:18.80,00:57:19.82 Do you have to? 00:57:19.86,00:57:21.35 I'm supposed to be[br]grinding that valve. 00:57:22.97,00:57:24.09 And one more thing... 00:57:24.14,00:57:26.47 you got all night,[br]so take it easy. 00:57:26.50,00:57:28.56 You don't have to start[br]on the piano right away. 00:57:28.61,00:57:32.54 Build up to it slowly. 00:57:32.58,00:57:34.27 Know what I mean? 00:57:34.31,00:57:35.64 Maybe while you have dinner... 00:57:35.68,00:57:37.48 you can sneak it[br]into the conversation. 00:57:37.52,00:57:40.42 And then after dinner,[br]you can really go all out. 00:57:46.99,00:57:48.96 Well, shall we get organized? 00:57:48.99,00:57:52.45 Look, I'm a good sport...[br]I mean, you could ask anybody... 00:57:52.50,00:57:54.86 but none of that[br]crazy stuff, huh? 00:57:54.90,00:57:56.66 You see, I got this bad cold. 00:57:56.70,00:57:59.93 Did you ever hear of anybody[br]with a... with a good cold? 00:57:59.97,00:58:01.20 Huh. 00:58:03.01,00:58:05.00 It's a nice place you got here. 00:58:05.04,00:58:06.48 Oh, you'll like it. 00:58:06.51,00:58:08.98 It's not very big,[br]but it's clean. 00:58:09.01,00:58:10.48 What is? 00:58:10.51,00:58:11.98 What is what? 00:58:12.02,00:58:14.61 I don't know.[br]You brought it up. 00:58:16.09,00:58:18.21 First thing you have to do[br]is get out of those clothes. 00:58:18.26,00:58:20.49 Just like that? 00:58:20.52,00:58:21.49 You're so right. 00:58:21.53,00:58:24.39 First thing, we'd better make[br]sure my wife isn't coming back. 00:58:24.43,00:58:26.23 Yeah. I think we better. 00:58:35.11,00:58:37.23 You realize if it weren't[br]for venetian blinds... 00:58:37.27,00:58:38.76 it would be curtains[br]for all of us? 00:58:38.81,00:58:40.74 I guess you can't[br]be too careful... 00:58:40.78,00:58:42.37 a man in your position. 00:58:42.41,00:58:43.74 My position? 00:58:43.78,00:58:45.21 Oh, I recognized you[br]right away. 00:58:45.25,00:58:47.91 I see you at church[br]every Sunday playing the organ. 00:58:48.99,00:58:50.45 You go to church? 00:58:50.49,00:58:51.65 All of us girls go. 00:58:51.69,00:58:53.95 Big Bertha takes us[br]in the station wagon. 00:58:53.99,00:58:55.65 Well, you know what they say... 00:58:55.69,00:58:57.72 the family that[br]stays together... 00:58:57.76,00:59:01.49 It's just that Bertha thinks[br]it's good for public relations. 00:59:03.53,00:59:05.00 We mustn't wake him up,[br]not yet... 00:59:05.04,00:59:06.47 because if he catches on,[br]we'll be dead. 00:59:06.50,00:59:07.47 Who? 00:59:07.50,00:59:08.47 Barney and me. 00:59:08.51,00:59:10.06 No, I mean, who's gonna[br]catch on? 00:59:10.11,00:59:11.37 Nobody, I hope. 00:59:11.41,00:59:13.31 So, shall we... 00:59:13.34,00:59:14.64 Oh, OK. 00:59:14.68,00:59:15.65 No, no. 00:59:15.68,00:59:19.41 Not in here. In the bedroom. 00:59:19.45,00:59:20.78 You name it. 00:59:25.52,00:59:27.72 Don't mind me[br]if I'm a little nervous... 00:59:27.76,00:59:29.32 but so much depends on this. 00:59:29.36,00:59:30.49 I just hope we can swing it. 00:59:30.53,00:59:31.62 We'll do our best. 00:59:31.66,00:59:32.89 Thank you. 00:59:34.60,00:59:37.69 Now if you'll just put on[br]one of my wife's dresses. 00:59:38.80,00:59:39.93 What for? 00:59:39.97,00:59:41.60 That's the only way it'll work. 00:59:41.64,00:59:43.80 We've got to pretend[br]you're my wife. 00:59:45.98,00:59:48.77 What are you,[br]some kind of a weirdie? 00:59:48.81,00:59:50.07 Didn't Barney tell you? 00:59:50.11,00:59:52.58 He didn't tell me to expect[br]anything like this. 00:59:53.58,00:59:55.25 I'm getting out of here. 00:59:55.29,00:59:56.41 Now just a second. 00:59:56.45,00:59:58.82 You know, you ought to be[br]ashamed of yourself. 00:59:58.86,01:00:00.45 All those people[br]in the congregation... 01:00:00.49,01:00:03.19 do they know what you're doing[br]the other six days of the week? 01:00:03.23,01:00:04.29 You don't understand. 01:00:04.33,01:00:07.23 It's not for me. It's for him. 01:00:07.26,01:00:08.36 Who's him? 01:00:08.40,01:00:10.96 Back there. He's asleep. 01:00:11.00,01:00:14.13 What are we playing,[br]musical chairs? 01:00:14.17,01:00:16.47 Barney says it's not for him,[br]it's for a friend of his. 01:00:16.51,01:00:19.27 Now you say it's not for you,[br]it's for a friend of yours. 01:00:19.31,01:00:20.74 Oh, but he's not[br]exactly a friend. 01:00:20.78,01:00:22.25 It's more like[br]a business promotion... 01:00:22.28,01:00:24.04 and he likes action[br]all the time. 01:00:24.08,01:00:27.05 I got nothing against that,[br]but not with Zelda. 01:00:27.08,01:00:28.71 Oh. Who's Zelda? 01:00:28.75,01:00:29.95 You are. 01:00:29.99,01:00:31.28 Me? 01:00:31.32,01:00:33.65 It's my wife,[br]but tonight you're her... 01:00:33.69,01:00:35.99 so you're Zelda. 01:00:36.03,01:00:38.49 What did I get myself into? 01:00:38.53,01:00:40.69 Oh, you just wait till you[br]find out who he is. 01:00:40.73,01:00:41.70 You'll flip. 01:00:41.73,01:00:42.93 Huh. I will? 01:00:42.97,01:00:44.26 Oh, boy. 01:00:44.30,01:00:46.33 So who can it be...[br]Richard Burton? 01:00:46.37,01:00:50.53 No, but you're getting warm.[br]Here, try this. 01:00:50.57,01:00:53.74 It may be a little tight,[br]but that can't hurt any. 01:01:03.49,01:01:05.28 Oops. 01:01:06.79,01:01:08.26 What's the matter now? 01:01:08.29,01:01:09.73 I lost my navel. 01:01:09.76,01:01:11.46 Where? 01:01:11.50,01:01:13.73 I think it rolled under there. 01:01:42.76,01:01:44.02 Where am I? 01:01:44.06,01:01:45.22 In Climax. 01:01:45.26,01:01:46.39 Where? 01:01:46.43,01:01:47.40 Don't you remember? 01:01:47.43,01:01:49.19 You had that cracked valve? 01:01:49.23,01:01:50.79 Beethoven? 01:01:50.83,01:01:52.06 Oh. 01:01:52.10,01:01:53.36 What time is it? 01:01:53.40,01:01:56.70 Oh, it's only 4:00, so why don't[br]you go back to sleep? 01:02:01.78,01:02:04.01 What are you doing down[br]there, anyway? 01:02:04.05,01:02:06.35 I'm looking for[br]my wife's navel. 01:02:06.38,01:02:07.58 Oh. 01:03:00.07,01:03:01.54 Looks real nice, Polly. 01:03:01.57,01:03:04.04 Thanks, and the name[br]is Zelda. 01:03:04.07,01:03:05.54 Oh, yes, of course. 01:03:05.58,01:03:07.54 Hey, candles. 01:03:07.58,01:03:10.05 I found them in the drawer. 01:03:10.08,01:03:13.35 For intimate dining,[br]candlelight is a romantic must. 01:03:13.38,01:03:14.37 Oh? 01:03:14.42,01:03:15.54 I used to read up[br]on all that stuff... 01:03:15.59,01:03:17.14 in Ladies' Home Journal... 01:03:17.19,01:03:20.45 what every bride should know,[br]how to keep your husband happy. 01:03:20.49,01:03:22.96 Say, maybe we should have[br]some place cards. 01:03:22.99,01:03:23.96 I don't think so. 01:03:23.99,01:03:25.76 There's just the three of us. 01:03:28.10,01:03:29.86 Tell me, how did[br]you and I meet? 01:03:29.90,01:03:31.27 What do you mean?[br]Barney brought you. 01:03:31.30,01:03:32.77 Oh, no. You and Zelda. 01:03:32.80,01:03:33.79 I'm Zelda, remember? 01:03:33.84,01:03:35.53 How did we meet,[br]in case it comes up? 01:03:35.57,01:03:37.37 Oh. Well, you were[br]singing in the choir... 01:03:37.41,01:03:40.60 and I noticed you right away[br]because you were always off-key. 01:03:40.64,01:03:42.58 Hmm. So you kept me after hours. 01:03:42.61,01:03:44.51 I wanted to, but your mother[br]used to watch us like a hawk. 01:03:44.55,01:03:45.52 She never liked me much. 01:03:45.55,01:03:46.52 So? 01:03:46.55,01:03:48.38 So in order to[br]ingratiate myself... 01:03:48.42,01:03:49.91 you see, she works[br]at the blood bank... 01:03:49.95,01:03:53.41 I'd go in three times a week[br]and give a pint of blood. 01:03:53.46,01:03:54.82 Three pints a week? 01:03:54.86,01:03:56.09 Well, the other days,[br]I'd sneak over... 01:03:56.13,01:03:59.25 to the hospital in Silver City[br]and get a transfusion. 01:03:59.30,01:04:03.29 Boy, you must have[br]been nuts about me. 01:04:03.33,01:04:04.77 I certainly was. 01:04:04.80,01:04:09.30 And, uh, how did[br]you propose to me? 01:04:09.34,01:04:12.07 Well, I wrote this love song... 01:04:12.11,01:04:14.54 and one afternoon while[br]I was tuning your piano... 01:04:14.58,01:04:18.01 I played it to you,[br]and that did it. 01:04:20.08,01:04:21.11 Imagine... 01:04:21.15,01:04:23.75 somebody writing[br]a whole song for you. 01:04:25.26,01:04:28.88 You know, when I was[br]in high school... 01:04:28.93,01:04:30.39 there was this boy. 01:04:30.43,01:04:32.52 He used to write me poems. 01:04:32.56,01:04:33.89 What kind of poems? 01:04:33.93,01:04:37.49 In chalk, on sidewalks[br]and fences. 01:04:37.53,01:04:40.09 Why, I had to go[br]all over town erasing them. 01:04:41.10,01:04:43.13 Polly... I mean, Zelda... 01:04:43.17,01:04:45.14 keep an eye[br]on the meat sauce, will you? 01:04:45.18,01:04:46.20 Sure. 01:04:46.24,01:04:48.37 I hate to put you[br]to work like this... 01:04:48.41,01:04:49.44 I mean, like a housewife. 01:04:49.48,01:04:50.57 Oh, I enjoy it. 01:04:50.61,01:04:52.05 As a matter of fact... 01:04:52.08,01:04:53.71 I was almost a wife once myself. 01:04:53.75,01:04:54.88 Almost? 01:04:54.92,01:04:57.58 That's how I happened[br]to wind up in nevada. 01:04:57.62,01:04:59.02 Where are you from? 01:04:59.06,01:05:01.22 Jersey City, New Jersey. 01:05:01.26,01:05:04.02 I was working at the Plaza Hotel[br]as a manicurist... 01:05:04.06,01:05:07.03 and I had this 1,200 bucks[br]my father left me. 01:05:07.06,01:05:09.69 So I was going to open[br]a little beauty shop... my own. 01:05:09.73,01:05:11.89 Then I met this guy. 01:05:13.40,01:05:14.87 This needs more salt. 01:05:14.91,01:05:15.87 What guy? 01:05:15.91,01:05:20.87 He was a salesman,[br]a hula hoop salesman. 01:05:20.91,01:05:22.34 Remember those things? 01:05:27.32,01:05:29.18 He wanted to marry me. 01:05:31.69,01:05:33.05 That figures. 01:05:35.16,01:05:37.06 So I bought this[br]secondhand car and trailer. 01:05:37.09,01:05:39.69 We drove to Nevada,[br]spent the night here. 01:05:39.73,01:05:43.93 The next day, we were supposed[br]to go to Vegas and get hitched. 01:05:43.97,01:05:46.56 Could use some pepper, too. 01:05:46.60,01:05:48.16 What happened? 01:05:48.21,01:05:49.97 When I woke up[br]in the morning... 01:05:50.01,01:05:52.44 the guy was gone,[br]and the car was gone. 01:05:52.48,01:05:54.38 That was it. 01:05:54.41,01:05:57.78 You know anybody who can use[br]six dozen plastic hula hoops? 01:05:57.81,01:05:59.71 They come in assorted colors. 01:05:59.75,01:06:02.38 You mean he just took off? 01:06:02.42,01:06:04.82 Eh, I should have known[br]he was a fink. 01:06:04.86,01:06:06.65 He had small moons. 01:06:06.69,01:06:08.35 He had what? 01:06:08.39,01:06:12.33 You know, small moons[br]on the fingernails. 01:06:14.33,01:06:16.96 Now, you, for instance,[br]you got big moons. 01:06:17.00,01:06:18.19 Is that good? 01:06:18.24,01:06:20.03 It means you're a gentleman. 01:06:20.07,01:06:21.37 When you're a manicurist, 01:06:21.40,01:06:22.37 you can tell a lot[br]about people... 01:06:22.41,01:06:23.90 just from their hands. 01:06:23.94,01:06:25.67 I never had a manicure[br]in my life. 01:06:25.71,01:06:27.37 Nobody in this town has. 01:06:27.41,01:06:29.47 That's why I had to take a job[br]at the Belly Button... 01:06:29.51,01:06:32.21 trying to scrape up[br]enough money to get another car. 01:06:32.25,01:06:34.05 But something always[br]seems to happen. 01:06:34.08,01:06:35.81 I guess I'm stuck here for good. 01:06:35.85,01:06:39.22 A girl like you... I'm sure[br]you'll find some nice guy. 01:06:39.26,01:06:42.05 Not a chance, unless I get[br]out of this place. 01:06:42.09,01:06:46.29 Around here, I'm just somebody[br]the bartender recommends. 01:06:46.33,01:06:47.82 "Try Polly the Pistol." 01:06:47.86,01:06:50.46 'S marvelous 01:06:50.50,01:06:51.97 You should care 01:06:53.57,01:06:55.80 'S paradise 01:07:07.02,01:07:11.25 'S awful nice, woo, pow 01:07:11.29,01:07:12.28 Paradise 01:07:13.62,01:07:14.59 Let's get ready. 01:07:14.62,01:07:15.92 He'll be out in a minute. 01:07:15.96,01:07:17.52 I know that voice[br]from someplace. 01:07:17.56,01:07:19.29 Of course you do. He's a singer. 01:07:19.33,01:07:20.30 Who? 01:07:20.33,01:07:21.82 Now don't flip. 01:07:21.87,01:07:22.89 Well, who is it? 01:07:22.93,01:07:24.53 It's Dino. 01:07:24.57,01:07:25.54 Dino? 01:07:25.57,01:07:26.54 That's right. 01:07:26.57,01:07:27.54 Hmm. 01:07:27.57,01:07:28.66 I like Andy Williams better. 01:07:28.71,01:07:30.83 Shh! For heaven's sake,[br]watch it. 01:07:30.87,01:07:31.84 You're supposed[br]to be nice to him. 01:07:31.88,01:07:33.87 Don't worry. I know my job. 01:07:33.91,01:07:35.97 Now let me look at you. 01:07:36.01,01:07:38.11 Maybe we'd better open[br]a couple of buttons. 01:07:38.15,01:07:40.51 Your wife wouldn't do that. 01:07:40.55,01:07:42.54 I guess not. 01:07:42.59,01:07:44.88 Oh, the ring.[br]You should have a ring. 01:07:44.92,01:07:46.39 Here, put this on. 01:07:47.89,01:07:50.12 You suppose there's[br]a law against this? 01:07:50.16,01:07:51.59 Against what? 01:07:51.63,01:07:53.62 Wearing a ring[br]without a license. 01:07:53.66,01:07:54.72 Don't be silly. 01:07:54.76,01:07:56.60 Come on, let's go[br]into the living room. 01:07:59.00,01:08:01.63 Domestic, domestic. 01:08:01.67,01:08:03.54 We've got to[br]make it look domestic. 01:08:03.57,01:08:06.87 You sit here, and I'll sit here. 01:08:09.08,01:08:10.94 No, that's not domestic enough. 01:08:12.18,01:08:15.12 You knit, and I'll read. 01:08:15.15,01:08:18.55 Uh... uh, I don't[br]know how to knit. 01:08:19.72,01:08:22.49 Well, then you read,[br]and I'll knit. 01:08:24.06,01:08:26.72 No, that's no good. 01:08:26.76,01:08:28.63 Now, let me see... 01:08:31.10,01:08:33.59 'S wonderful 01:08:33.64,01:08:36.54 'S marvelous 01:08:36.57,01:08:40.60 You should care for me 01:08:40.64,01:08:43.77 Mmm, 's awful nice 01:08:43.81,01:08:45.75 Paradise 01:08:47.02,01:08:49.38 Hard to see 01:09:07.60,01:09:09.60 Pardon me. 01:09:09.64,01:09:11.30 Is this the way to Disneyland? 01:09:13.28,01:09:15.51 Oh, we didn't hear you. 01:09:16.55,01:09:18.91 This is my wife Zelda. 01:09:18.95,01:09:20.25 Howdy, ma'am. 01:09:20.28,01:09:22.38 My husband told me[br]you were staying with us. 01:09:22.42,01:09:24.01 What a delightful surprise. 01:09:24.05,01:09:25.04 Zelda has all your records. 01:09:25.09,01:09:26.75 She's a big fan of yours. 01:09:26.79,01:09:27.95 I'm a big fan of hers. 01:09:27.99,01:09:29.55 I picked these on the way here. 01:09:29.59,01:09:31.96 Oh, they're lovely. 01:09:32.00,01:09:33.69 Cocktail time.[br]What would you like? 01:09:33.73,01:09:36.43 Martini? Old fashioned?[br]Vodka on the rocks? 01:09:36.47,01:09:37.43 No, thanks. 01:09:37.47,01:09:38.53 Nothing to drink? 01:09:38.57,01:09:40.54 Just a bowl of bourbon[br]and some crackers. 01:09:40.57,01:09:42.47 Bourbon. Good idea. 01:09:42.51,01:09:43.84 How about you, Zelda? 01:09:43.87,01:09:46.10 Uh, do we have any buttermilk[br]in the house? 01:09:46.14,01:09:47.91 Buttermilk! Coming right up. 01:09:53.18,01:09:54.15 Well, just don't... 01:09:54.18,01:09:57.35 stand there, you two. Talk. 01:09:57.39,01:09:58.98 Mingle. 01:10:00.59,01:10:02.06 Uh, tell me something. 01:10:02.09,01:10:03.99 Anything. 01:10:04.03,01:10:05.82 How'd you happen[br]to get stranded here? 01:10:05.86,01:10:07.42 Oh, just lucky, I guess. 01:10:10.10,01:10:11.73 Oops. 01:10:11.77,01:10:14.00 You know, that dress dummy[br]don't do you justice... 01:10:14.04,01:10:15.66 even with all the padding. 01:10:15.71,01:10:17.80 I suppose I've put on[br]a few pounds. 01:10:17.84,01:10:19.21 Well, don't you worry about it. 01:10:19.24,01:10:20.21 As far as I'm concerned... 01:10:20.24,01:10:22.97 there couldn't[br]be enough of you... 01:10:23.01,01:10:24.48 baby. 01:10:24.51,01:10:25.50 Huh. 01:10:25.55,01:10:28.07 How much do you[br]think she weighs? 01:10:35.49,01:10:36.86 Guess. 01:10:41.16,01:10:42.15 May I? 01:10:43.17,01:10:44.33 Help yourself. 01:10:52.81,01:10:53.90 115. 01:10:53.94,01:10:55.84 Guess again. 01:10:55.88,01:10:58.04 Glad to. 01:11:03.69,01:11:04.65 120? 01:11:04.69,01:11:06.42 You're getting warm. 01:11:06.46,01:11:08.05 Oh, boy. 01:11:10.09,01:11:12.08 Oh, that's close enough. 01:11:16.70,01:11:18.10 How much you think I weigh? 01:11:22.24,01:11:23.47 Go ahead, lambchop. 01:11:23.51,01:11:24.73 Take a crack at it. 01:11:24.77,01:11:26.17 Yeah. 01:11:26.21,01:11:28.27 173 1/2. 01:11:28.31,01:11:30.25 That's not fair. 01:11:30.28,01:11:32.18 Right on the nose. 01:11:32.22,01:11:33.18 Skol. 01:11:33.22,01:11:34.18 What? 01:11:34.22,01:11:35.18 Skol! 01:11:35.22,01:11:36.58 Sure, it's cold.[br]It's got ice in it. 01:11:38.69,01:11:40.25 Funny! Funny! 01:11:44.36,01:11:47.59 Well, drink up[br]and be somebody. 01:11:47.63,01:11:49.10 Why don't we sit down? 01:11:49.13,01:11:50.10 Why don't we? 01:11:50.13,01:11:54.43 Ah, lambchop, Dino,[br]and I'll sit back here. 01:11:54.47,01:11:56.17 Where'd you get[br]this crazy couch? 01:11:56.21,01:11:58.00 Oh, it's been[br]in the family for years. 01:11:58.04,01:11:59.77 It's a love seat. 01:11:59.81,01:12:02.68 Love seat? For three? 01:12:02.71,01:12:04.27 Victorian, you know. 01:12:04.31,01:12:07.11 Two lovers and a chaperone,[br]but that didn't stop anyone. 01:12:07.15,01:12:10.21 It was usually an old lady,[br]half-deaf, half-blind... 01:12:10.25,01:12:12.88 sitting there and... knitting. 01:12:14.09,01:12:15.39 Knitting? 01:12:15.43,01:12:16.59 It's good therapy. 01:12:16.63,01:12:18.06 I took it up[br]when I quit smoking. 01:12:18.09,01:12:19.06 It keeps my hands busy. 01:12:19.10,01:12:20.06 You know what they say... 01:12:20.10,01:12:23.12 the devil finds work[br]for idle hands. 01:12:43.35,01:12:45.51 What are you knitting? 01:12:45.56,01:12:47.02 A sock. 01:12:47.06,01:12:48.65 With a turtleneck? 01:12:54.90,01:12:56.56 He's got small moons. 01:12:56.60,01:12:57.57 Oh? 01:12:57.60,01:12:58.57 I got what? 01:12:58.60,01:13:00.07 Oh, it's this theory[br]my wife has. 01:13:00.10,01:13:01.97 If you've got small moons[br]on your nails... 01:13:02.01,01:13:03.94 you're a gentleman[br]and a scholar. 01:13:03.97,01:13:04.94 Interesting. 01:13:04.97,01:13:06.67 Now, you take me.[br]I've got big moons. 01:13:06.71,01:13:09.91 That means I'm a fink. 01:13:11.55,01:13:13.48 Well, you're only half right[br]about me. 01:13:13.52,01:13:14.74 I'm no scholar. 01:13:14.78,01:13:17.75 Knit one, purl two. 01:13:17.79,01:13:20.95 Hmm. Something around here[br]smells good. 01:13:20.99,01:13:22.32 It's the meat sauce. 01:13:22.36,01:13:23.55 It's making my mouth water. 01:13:23.59,01:13:24.99 We also got you some pizza. 01:13:25.03,01:13:27.43 How about a little antipasto? 01:13:31.87,01:13:34.23 You'll spoil your appetite. 01:13:34.27,01:13:35.43 You want to bet? 01:13:39.24,01:13:40.61 Damn! 01:13:40.64,01:13:41.97 What's the matter? 01:13:42.01,01:13:43.21 I've dropped a stitch. 01:13:43.25,01:13:44.65 Oh. 01:13:46.42,01:13:49.85 You know, you can lose[br]a hand that way. 01:13:52.82,01:13:57.16 Did you hear the story[br]about the girl and the lobster? 01:13:57.19,01:13:58.52 No. How does it go? 01:13:58.56,01:14:00.53 Well, this girl was sitting[br]in a movie house... 01:14:00.56,01:14:02.66 and this guy sat down[br]next to her... 01:14:02.70,01:14:04.19 and they were[br]sitting in the dark... 01:14:04.23,01:14:06.00 and they were watching the[br]picture, see... 01:14:06.04,01:14:08.37 and suddenly[br]she felt something... 01:14:08.40,01:14:10.13 crawling up her leg[br]and pinched her. 01:14:10.17,01:14:11.14 Ah! 01:14:11.17,01:14:12.27 Go on. 01:14:12.31,01:14:13.57 Then she felt something[br]crawling again... 01:14:13.61,01:14:14.77 and pinched her again. 01:14:14.81,01:14:17.51 She said, "What is the idea[br]of you pinching me?" 01:14:17.55,01:14:21.28 and he said,[br]"Well, it wasn't me. 01:14:21.32,01:14:22.38 It was my lobster." 01:14:22.42,01:14:24.51 His lobster? 01:14:24.55,01:14:26.18 He explained it. He said... 01:14:26.22,01:14:28.05 "A friend of mine[br]gave me a live lobster"... 01:14:28.09,01:14:29.25 and I said,[br]"Gee, that's wonderful. 01:14:29.29,01:14:30.49 "I think I'll take it[br]home for dinner." 01:14:30.53,01:14:32.72 He said, "No,[br]it already had dinner. 01:14:32.76,01:14:34.42 "Why don't you take it[br]to a movie?" 01:14:37.20,01:14:40.90 Take it to a movie! 01:14:40.94,01:14:42.46 a movie. 01:14:42.51,01:14:44.97 I told you. He's a funny man. 01:14:45.01,01:14:46.41 Yeah. Funny. 01:14:49.95,01:14:51.11 You got any more[br]stories like that? 01:14:51.15,01:14:52.34 Yeah. I got... 01:14:52.38,01:14:54.61 Oh, yeah. There was the one[br]about this doctor, you see. 01:14:54.65,01:14:57.31 He was examining[br]a girl's knee, and he said... 01:14:57.35,01:15:00.79 "What's a joint like this doing[br]on a pretty girl like you?" 01:15:03.06,01:15:05.72 Oh! Oh, I got to remember[br]that one. 01:15:07.60,01:15:10.57 Excuse me. I've got[br]something on the stove. 01:15:14.17,01:15:16.07 I think this belongs to you. 01:15:16.11,01:15:19.23 Me. You. What's the difference? 01:15:19.28,01:15:20.24 Maybe I'd better help you. 01:15:20.28,01:15:21.24 No, no, no, no. 01:15:21.28,01:15:23.25 You stay right[br]where you are, lambchop. 01:15:23.28,01:15:24.25 Make him feel at home. 01:15:24.28,01:15:26.91 Show him a little[br]western hospitality. 01:15:28.05,01:15:31.21 We don't want him to have[br]a headache tomorrow. 01:15:37.23,01:15:40.46 What is this, Candid Camera? 01:15:40.50,01:15:44.56 You must think my husband[br]is sort of, uh, peculiar. 01:15:44.60,01:15:46.13 Oh, no.[br]As a matter of fact... 01:15:46.17,01:15:48.07 I'm getting very fond of him. 01:15:48.10,01:15:49.30 So am I. 01:15:49.34,01:15:51.33 And I'm crazy about his wife. 01:15:51.37,01:15:53.27 Do you know what[br]I'd like right now? 01:15:53.31,01:15:57.41 Sure. Another bowl[br]of bourbon and crackers. 01:15:58.82,01:15:59.87 Tell me something. 01:15:59.92,01:16:02.18 Anything. 01:16:02.22,01:16:05.31 How come he calls you lambchop? 01:16:05.36,01:16:09.38 Maybe it's because[br]I wear paper panties. 01:16:09.43,01:16:11.86 Paper panties? 01:16:11.89,01:16:14.39 I also wear a gold ring. 01:16:20.07,01:16:21.76 Talk about finks. 01:16:21.80,01:16:23.74 This guy's got no moons at all. 01:16:23.77,01:16:24.97 Never mind the moons. 01:16:25.01,01:16:27.20 You should be out there[br]entertaining him. 01:16:27.24,01:16:29.84 What right has he got to treat[br]your wife like that? 01:16:29.88,01:16:31.21 It's a good thing[br]you're not my wife... 01:16:31.25,01:16:33.37 or I'd throw him[br]out of the house. 01:16:34.42,01:16:36.25 Yeah. 01:16:36.29,01:16:39.15 Oh, I'm sorry. 01:16:42.26,01:16:44.78 Paper panties. Ooh. 01:16:50.20,01:16:53.13 Hot stuff. Don't touch. 01:16:53.17,01:16:54.90 I can't help myself. 01:16:54.94,01:16:57.63 How would you like[br]a macaroni shampoo? 01:16:57.67,01:16:58.70 Anything you say, baby. 01:16:58.74,01:17:02.30 Sprinkle me with parmesan.[br]Stab me with a breadstick. 01:17:02.35,01:17:04.61 You're quite[br]an operator, aren't you? 01:17:04.65,01:17:06.64 Well, not really, but all we[br]have is just this one night... 01:17:06.68,01:17:07.84 so I have to work fast. 01:17:07.88,01:17:10.61 It's sort of[br]an emergency operation. 01:17:11.62,01:17:14.75 It's that little[br]old winemaker, me! 01:17:14.79,01:17:16.76 Sit down. Sit down. 01:17:16.79,01:17:18.62 You didn't have to go[br]to all this trouble. 01:17:18.66,01:17:20.42 What trouble? I'm very grateful. 01:17:20.46,01:17:22.83 You see, this is our fifth[br]wedding anniversary... 01:17:22.87,01:17:24.42 and I forgot to buy[br]my wife a present... 01:17:24.47,01:17:26.96 so instead, she's getting you. 01:17:31.84,01:17:32.81 You know what they say... 01:17:32.84,01:17:36.24 white wine with fish,[br]red wine with lambchop. 01:17:43.85,01:17:47.65 Believe me, it's the best thing[br]that could've happened to you. 01:17:47.69,01:17:50.35 If I told you once, I told you[br]a thousand times... 01:17:50.39,01:17:52.92 don't marry him. 01:17:52.96,01:17:54.95 Orville J. Spooner. 01:17:55.00,01:17:56.69 You know what the "j"[br]stands for? Jerk. 01:17:56.73,01:17:58.79 That's what he is, a jerk. 01:17:58.84,01:18:01.24 Never made more than sixty[br]dollars a week in his life. 01:18:01.27,01:18:03.67 No ambition, no future. 01:18:03.71,01:18:05.37 When I think that[br]you could've married... 01:18:05.41,01:18:09.34 Wally Coates...[br]Dr. Wallace Coates... 01:18:09.38,01:18:13.18 the second-most-successful[br]chiropractor in Carson City. 01:18:13.22,01:18:15.95 Henry, stop rocking. 01:18:15.99,01:18:20.18 Or take Tom Pringle.[br]He was dying to marry you. 01:18:20.22,01:18:24.35 Only the president of the Junior[br]Chamber of Commerce... 01:18:24.39,01:18:27.52 but you let Gladys Bukitsch[br]grab him off. 01:18:27.56,01:18:29.22 Gladys Bukitsch. 01:18:29.27,01:18:33.63 Four foot six, bad complexion,[br]pigeon-toed. 01:18:33.67,01:18:35.97 I could cry. 01:18:36.01,01:18:37.73 You know what he did[br]for her folks? 01:18:37.77,01:18:40.44 Bought them a house[br]in Del Webb's Sun City. 01:18:40.48,01:18:42.14 So now they're retired... 01:18:42.18,01:18:46.11 playing shuffleboard[br]with the other senior citizens. 01:18:46.15,01:18:47.84 Oh, Zelda, Zelda... 01:18:47.88,01:18:49.15 what a mess you made[br]of your life. 01:18:49.19,01:18:51.38 That's enough, Mamie.[br]Now leave her alone. 01:18:51.42,01:18:53.79 Did you say something? 01:18:53.82,01:18:55.59 Not recently. 01:18:55.63,01:18:58.36 First thing tomorrow,[br]you go and see a lawyer... 01:18:58.39,01:19:03.42 Charlie Green, whom you also[br]could've married. 01:19:03.47,01:19:06.77 You'll have no problem[br]getting a divorce. 01:19:06.80,01:19:07.77 Just wait till I get up there... 01:19:07.80,01:19:10.30 and tell the judge[br]how he treated me... 01:19:10.34,01:19:12.50 slamming the piano cover[br]on my hand... 01:19:12.54,01:19:16.24 just because I said[br]he was a no-talent slob. 01:19:17.95,01:19:18.91 Where are you going? 01:19:18.95,01:19:20.64 Home. 01:19:20.68,01:19:22.01 Back to Orville? 01:19:22.05,01:19:23.61 Yes, mother. 01:19:23.65,01:19:25.78 He's so right about you. 01:19:25.82,01:19:27.85 You're a mean, loud-mouthed... 01:19:27.89,01:19:30.92 interfering old... 01:19:30.96,01:19:32.48 you want to know[br]what he calls you? 01:19:32.53,01:19:34.39 What? 01:19:34.43,01:19:36.16 I better not tell you. 01:19:38.27,01:19:40.29 Godzilla? 01:19:45.01,01:19:47.84 I'd like to propose[br]a toast to my beloved wife... 01:19:47.88,01:19:49.31 who has stood by me[br]so valiantly... 01:19:49.35,01:19:51.61 for the last five hours...[br]five years... 01:19:51.65,01:19:53.27 and to our distinguished[br]guest... 01:19:53.32,01:19:55.48 star of stage, screen,[br]and television... 01:19:55.52,01:19:56.92 a man who needs[br]no introduction... 01:19:56.95,01:19:58.51 where is he? 01:19:58.55,01:20:00.92 He dropped his napkin again. 01:20:02.83,01:20:05.42 It seems I have[br]a very slippery lap. 01:20:05.46,01:20:07.29 Slippery lap. 01:20:07.33,01:20:08.59 Cheers! 01:20:08.63,01:20:10.93 Oh! In the words[br]of Rossani Brazzi... 01:20:10.97,01:20:14.43 grazie, grazie. 01:20:14.47,01:20:16.56 Uh, shall we move[br]into the living room? 01:20:16.61,01:20:18.10 You go ahead. 01:20:18.14,01:20:19.51 I'll clear the table. 01:20:19.54,01:20:20.84 No, no, Zelda. Not yet. 01:20:20.88,01:20:21.87 Let's not break up the party. 01:20:21.91,01:20:23.38 Oh, I'm with you. 01:20:23.41,01:20:26.97 Oh, you don't mind if l, uh,[br]bring along a friend? 01:20:27.02,01:20:29.61 As long as you don't[br]bring your lobster. 01:20:29.65,01:20:31.59 Funny! Funny! 01:20:31.62,01:20:33.75 All right. Everybody line up[br]for a square dance. 01:20:33.79,01:20:35.72 Square dance? 01:20:35.76,01:20:39.32 We got wine, we got women,[br]and we got songs. 01:20:39.36,01:20:40.52 What would you like to hear? 01:20:40.56,01:20:42.09 Well, do you know[br]Old Man River? 01:20:42.13,01:20:44.43 Darling, why don't you play[br]one of your own songs. 01:20:44.47,01:20:45.43 One of mine? 01:20:45.47,01:20:47.56 Oh, I wouldn't want to[br]impose on our guest. 01:20:47.60,01:20:50.44 Well, how about[br]"Cuddle Up a Little Closer"? 01:20:50.47,01:20:52.77 I'm sorry, but we have[br]a request from a lady... 01:20:52.81,01:20:53.87 in the balcony. 01:20:53.91,01:20:54.88 Let's see now. 01:20:54.91,01:20:56.88 There's this little Italian[br]number we wrote... 01:20:56.91,01:20:58.81 which may be of some[br]interest to you. 01:21:04.69,01:21:08.02 Every day[br]I sit and pray I 01:21:08.06,01:21:10.53 Win you over soon 01:21:10.56,01:21:13.15 Say yes, won't you? 01:21:13.20,01:21:14.66 Do you, don't you 01:21:14.70,01:21:18.16 Want this world in tune? 01:21:18.20,01:21:21.60 What does it take[br]to persuade you? 01:21:21.64,01:21:27.67 And how much more[br]must I serenade you? 01:21:27.71,01:21:30.54 Listen to me, Sophia 01:21:30.58,01:21:34.14 Have you any idea 01:21:34.18,01:21:37.24 How much you mean to me-a? 01:21:37.29,01:21:41.38 How much, you'll never know 01:21:41.42,01:21:44.83 If I'm all agitato 01:21:44.86,01:21:48.63 Every heartstring vibrato 01:21:48.66,01:21:52.66 Every look passionato 01:21:52.70,01:21:56.07 Who but you made me so? 01:21:56.11,01:22:00.13 It's love, it's love, crescendo 01:22:00.18,01:22:05.14 Never, ever diminuendo 01:22:05.18,01:22:08.64 Say the word, Sweet Sophia 01:22:08.68,01:22:12.64 Or from earth I resign 01:22:12.69,01:22:16.22 Oh, Sophia, be mine 01:22:18.19,01:22:21.46 Well? What do you[br]think of it, huh? 01:22:21.50,01:22:24.33 Oh, it's a grabber,[br]a real grabber. 01:22:24.37,01:22:25.33 It is? 01:22:25.37,01:22:26.93 Takes one to know one. 01:22:26.97,01:22:28.27 What a great piece of material. 01:22:28.30,01:22:30.43 Boy, what I could do with it. 01:22:31.54,01:22:33.60 You mean you like the song? 01:22:33.64,01:22:35.17 What song? Oh, yeah. 01:22:35.21,01:22:36.84 It's another[br]"Arrivederci, Roma." 01:22:36.88,01:22:37.85 I'll take it. 01:22:37.88,01:22:38.85 You'll take it? 01:22:38.88,01:22:40.44 He'll take it! 01:22:40.48,01:22:42.58 Did you hear that, darling?[br]He'll take it! 01:22:42.65,01:22:45.59 Oh! Stay right[br]where you are, lambchop. 01:22:45.62,01:22:46.61 Play it again. 01:22:46.66,01:22:48.15 Yes, indeedy! 01:22:57.30,01:23:00.63 Listen to me, Sophia 01:23:00.67,01:23:02.57 Have you any idea 01:23:04.17,01:23:07.63 How much you mean to me-a? 01:23:07.68,01:23:10.48 Every day more and more 01:23:10.51,01:23:14.31 You're sweeter than spumoni 01:23:14.35,01:23:18.91 Sweeter even than zabaglione 01:23:18.95,01:23:21.98 Say the word, sweet Sophia 01:23:22.02,01:23:25.76 Let our hearts intertwine 01:23:25.80,01:23:27.70 Oh, Sophia, be mine 01:23:37.01,01:23:38.97 Ole! 01:23:39.01,01:23:41.14 Sweet Sophia, be mine 01:23:41.18,01:23:43.34 Let that honeymoon shine 01:23:44.41,01:23:47.04 Pluck the grape from the vine 01:23:48.08,01:23:49.05 Let our hearts 01:23:49.09,01:23:51.85 Let our hearts intertwine 01:23:51.89,01:23:54.72 And put your love on the line 01:23:54.76,01:23:57.12 Sweet Sophia, be mine 01:23:57.16,01:23:59.92 Let the honeymoon shine 01:23:59.96,01:24:01.55 Paper panties. 01:24:07.30,01:24:09.20 Or from earth I resign 01:24:11.01,01:24:12.67 Oh, Sophia, be mine 01:24:13.78,01:24:15.44 What's going on in there? 01:24:17.55,01:24:19.81 Zelda, you're not[br]supposed to be here. 01:24:19.85,01:24:21.34 Why not? This is my house... 01:24:21.38,01:24:23.15 and that's my husband,[br]the swinger! 01:24:23.19,01:24:25.31 Now, now, Zelda, take it easy.[br]I know this looks pretty bad. 01:24:25.35,01:24:27.65 That miserable liar,[br]he was telling me the truth. 01:24:27.69,01:24:29.89 No, he wasn't.[br]I mean, the truth is... 01:24:29.93,01:24:31.62 Look, Zelda.[br]There are certain things... 01:24:31.66,01:24:33.69 a man cannot ask his wife to do. 01:24:33.73,01:24:35.99 Like what? You mean, now she's[br]gonna drink out of his shoe? 01:24:36.03,01:24:37.16 Oh, she'll do anything. 01:24:37.20,01:24:39.03 You see, she's getting[br]twenty-five bucks. 01:24:39.07,01:24:40.04 Twenty-five bucks? 01:24:40.07,01:24:41.97 It's an all-night job. 01:24:42.00,01:24:44.60 Well, if that doesn't[br]kill him, I will! 01:24:44.64,01:24:46.57 Now, don't blame Orville. 01:24:46.61,01:24:47.91 Actually, the whole[br]thing was my idea... 01:24:47.94,01:24:49.57 I mean, throwing you[br]out of the house. 01:24:49.61,01:24:50.60 It was? 01:24:50.65,01:24:52.27 And that girl... Orville[br]didn't even know her. 01:24:52.31,01:24:53.94 I brought her around[br]and introduced her to him. 01:24:53.98,01:24:55.01 You did? 01:24:55.05,01:24:56.21 And don't worry about[br]the money it's costing... 01:24:56.25,01:24:58.12 because Orville and l,[br]we're going halfsies on this. 01:24:58.15,01:24:59.35 You are? 01:25:00.82,01:25:02.22 OK, Zelda, hit me[br]if you want to... 01:25:02.26,01:25:03.89 but please don't go in there. 01:25:03.93,01:25:05.19 You'll spoil everything. 01:25:05.23,01:25:06.99 I wouldn't dream of it. 01:25:07.03,01:25:09.12 Atta girl. Now you go[br]back to your mother's... 01:25:09.17,01:25:10.29 until tomorrow morning. 01:25:10.33,01:25:13.32 I'm going, all right,[br]but not to my mother. 01:25:20.11,01:25:21.13 Oh, whew. 01:25:21.18,01:25:23.44 Ole! 01:25:23.48,01:25:26.14 Oh, sweet Sophia, be mine 01:25:26.18,01:25:27.98 Or from earth I resign 01:25:28.02,01:25:29.01 Let's... 01:25:33.16,01:25:35.39 Pardon me. Pardon me. 01:25:35.42,01:25:38.05 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.[br]I just got carried away. 01:25:38.09,01:25:39.06 Here. 01:25:39.09,01:25:40.32 Don't mind me. Go right ahead. 01:25:40.36,01:25:42.63 Western hospitality. 01:25:42.67,01:25:45.40 Listen to me, Sophia 01:25:45.43,01:25:47.73 Do you realize this is the first[br]song we ever sold? 01:25:47.77,01:25:49.17 It's a good thing[br]that valve cracked... 01:25:49.21,01:25:50.30 or I'd have never heard it. 01:25:50.34,01:25:54.04 Yeah, and I never would have[br]met him... I mean you. 01:25:54.08,01:25:56.41 Now, look, here's... Orville,[br]kiddo... 01:25:56.45,01:25:58.57 I'll need one copy[br]for my television producer... 01:25:58.61,01:26:00.81 and my orchestra leader[br]and my arranger... 01:26:00.85,01:26:02.25 and for the guys[br]from the agency. 01:26:02.28,01:26:03.25 Let's see. 01:26:03.29,01:26:05.98 I'll need maybe, like,[br]uh, twelve copies. 01:26:06.02,01:26:06.99 How many? 01:26:07.02,01:26:08.05 I hate to do this to you... 01:26:08.09,01:26:09.15 but since I'm leaving[br]in the morning... 01:26:09.19,01:26:11.99 you'll have to stay up[br]all night making copies. 01:26:12.03,01:26:13.59 Did you say twelve? 01:26:13.63,01:26:15.62 And don't you worry[br]about me or your wife... 01:26:15.66,01:26:17.33 we won't bother you. 01:26:17.37,01:26:21.53 Maybe we'll go in the garden,[br]and she'll show me her parsley. 01:26:23.14,01:26:24.20 Here we are. Sophia. 01:26:24.24,01:26:27.27 Twelve copies. Isn't that lucky? 01:26:28.88,01:26:30.28 Yeah. 01:26:30.31,01:26:31.97 How lucky can you get? 01:26:32.01,01:26:33.17 Oh! 01:26:36.45,01:26:38.18 All right, lambchop.[br]Refill the shoes... 01:26:38.22,01:26:39.98 and let's have[br]a little more music. 01:26:40.02,01:26:41.75 What would you like to hear now? 01:26:41.79,01:26:43.16 "Taps." 01:26:43.19,01:26:45.16 Would you be interested[br]in a nice little waltz? 01:26:45.19,01:26:47.53 "When it's[br]Pussy Willow Time in Picardy." 01:26:47.56,01:26:49.22 I don't think[br]I could do it justice. 01:26:49.27,01:26:51.36 Here's something more lively...[br]what you'd call a novelty. 01:26:51.40,01:26:53.43 "I'm Taking Mom[br]to the Junior Prom... 01:26:53.47,01:26:55.70 "'Cause She's a Better Twister[br]Than my Sister." 01:26:55.74,01:26:57.80 Gets you right here. 01:26:59.28,01:27:01.61 Oh, this is it. It's a ballad. 01:27:01.64,01:27:03.37 I wrote it for Zelda[br]when we were dating. 01:27:03.41,01:27:05.90 It means a lot to us. 01:27:24.87,01:27:25.83 Hello? 01:27:25.87,01:27:28.10 Orville, are you[br]out of your mind? 01:27:28.14,01:27:30.20 What are you trying[br]to do, ruin us? 01:27:30.24,01:27:32.67 What do you mean?[br]I'm doing great. 01:27:32.71,01:27:33.80 I just sold him[br]the Italian number. 01:27:33.84,01:27:35.61 You didn't sell anything. 01:27:35.64,01:27:37.01 The broad sold it. 01:27:37.05,01:27:38.34 So get out[br]of the house, already. 01:27:38.38,01:27:40.75 Leave the two of them alone. 01:27:40.78,01:27:42.05 Oh? 01:27:42.08,01:27:43.05 Oh. 01:27:43.09,01:27:46.65 Make some excuse and beat it,[br]or we'll blow the whole deal. 01:27:46.69,01:27:47.92 Roger. 01:27:50.93,01:27:53.29 Oh, that was Roger[br]from the bowling alley. 01:27:53.33,01:27:54.56 I'm afraid I've got[br]some bad news for you. 01:27:54.60,01:27:55.86 Bad news? 01:27:55.90,01:27:58.09 I forgot this is Saturday...[br]bowling night. 01:27:58.13,01:27:59.83 Why didn't you remind me, Zelda? 01:27:59.87,01:28:01.50 I'm sorry. 01:28:01.54,01:28:03.03 You see, I'm on the Climax team. 01:28:03.07,01:28:05.60 We've got this big grudge match[br]against Silver City. 01:28:05.64,01:28:07.80 So I'm afraid I'll have to[br]leave you alone. 01:28:07.84,01:28:09.44 What are you afraid of? 01:28:09.48,01:28:11.17 Nothing, really. 01:28:11.21,01:28:12.94 I'm sure you'll[br]look after my wife... 01:28:12.98,01:28:15.01 and she'll look after you. 01:28:15.05,01:28:16.31 Excuse me. 01:28:20.59,01:28:24.29 Something tells me[br]we're gonna have a ball. 01:28:25.29,01:28:26.73 Won't we, lambchop? 01:28:40.24,01:28:43.04 Oh! The way these[br]matches drag on... 01:28:43.08,01:28:46.34 I may be gone for hours,[br]so don't even wait up for me. 01:28:46.38,01:28:47.41 We'll be rooting for you. 01:28:50.92,01:28:53.11 No, darling. E flat. 01:28:55.22,01:28:57.52 Would you play it for me[br]before you go? 01:28:57.56,01:29:00.93 I haven't heard it[br]for a long time. 01:29:02.20,01:29:03.19 Sure. 01:29:05.03,01:29:07.06 You don't want to miss[br]the first inning... 01:29:07.10,01:29:09.47 or the first chukker[br]or whatever you call it. 01:29:09.51,01:29:10.67 Just one chorus. 01:29:18.38,01:29:21.01 All the livelong day 01:29:21.05,01:29:24.51 And the long, long night 01:29:24.55,01:29:28.15 What do I do-oo-oo? 01:29:28.19,01:29:32.35 Dream about you-oo-oo 01:29:32.39,01:29:38.42 Felt this way the first time[br]you came in sight 01:29:38.47,01:29:45.60 Suddenly my gloomy old sky[br]turned magically bright 01:29:46.81,01:29:50.64 You'll find[br]we're perfect casting 01:29:50.68,01:29:54.14 You and I 01:29:54.18,01:29:57.64 With love that's everlasting 01:29:57.69,01:30:00.15 Will I leave you ever? 01:30:00.19,01:30:03.49 Never, never, never 01:30:03.53,01:30:11.16 All I live for now[br]is to hold you tight 01:30:11.20,01:30:14.17 All the livelong day 01:30:14.20,01:30:19.11 And the long, long night 01:30:29.72,01:30:31.69 Waiteress! 01:30:31.72,01:30:34.05 Hey, waiteress! 01:30:39.73,01:30:41.72 Another Bloody Mary... 01:30:43.67,01:30:48.07 and drinks for everybody[br]in the orchestra. 01:30:50.94,01:30:52.70 Fellas! 01:30:52.74,01:30:55.34 Hey, fellas. 01:30:55.38,01:30:57.87 Play "Melancholy Baby." 01:31:07.66,01:31:09.18 Fellas... 01:31:09.22,01:31:11.09 didn't you hear me? 01:31:11.13,01:31:14.65 I said, play "Melancholy Baby." 01:31:14.70,01:31:16.66 Come on now, everybody. 01:31:16.70,01:31:18.53 Shape up! 01:31:23.71,01:31:25.20 Eighty-six. 01:31:27.71,01:31:31.17 Look, honey, don't you think[br]you had enough? 01:31:31.21,01:31:32.70 No. 01:31:35.72,01:31:37.18 It's my anniversary. 01:31:37.22,01:31:39.69 I've been married[br]five years today. 01:31:39.72,01:31:42.69 Now, why don't you go home[br]and celebrate with your husband? 01:31:42.72,01:31:45.12 Oh, no. He's busy. 01:31:45.16,01:31:47.63 You know,[br]I could have married... 01:31:47.66,01:31:50.63 the second-most-successful[br]chiropractor in Carson City. 01:31:50.67,01:31:55.66 Instead, I married Orville J... .[br]"j" for jerk... Spooner. 01:31:59.68,01:32:01.51 I think[br]I'm going to be sick. 01:32:01.54,01:32:03.94 Uh-huh. All right,[br]but not in here, honey. 01:32:03.98,01:32:06.04 Come on. 01:32:06.08,01:32:08.14 That's it. Grab her. 01:32:08.18,01:32:09.88 That's a girl. 01:32:13.19,01:32:15.16 Sick, sick, sick. 01:32:15.19,01:32:16.92 Shall I call a cab? 01:32:16.96,01:32:18.93 We can't send her home[br]in this condition. 01:32:18.96,01:32:20.26 Don't you know who she is? 01:32:20.30,01:32:21.52 I've seen her in church. 01:32:21.56,01:32:22.53 She's the organist's wife... 01:32:22.56,01:32:24.43 and we're in enough trouble[br]already. 01:32:24.47,01:32:25.46 This way. 01:32:33.71,01:32:34.77 Bang. 01:32:42.65,01:32:44.08 Where's this plane going to? 01:32:44.12,01:32:45.14 This isn't a plane. 01:32:45.19,01:32:46.78 You're in Polly's trailer. 01:32:46.82,01:32:48.15 Hello, Polly. 01:32:48.19,01:32:49.16 She's gone for the night. 01:32:49.19,01:32:51.63 You can sleep it off here. 01:32:51.66,01:32:53.13 Hang on, everybody. 01:32:53.16,01:32:55.15 Fasten your seat belts. 01:33:09.75,01:33:13.81 No chance you're taking chances 01:33:13.85,01:33:17.65 Taking me on 01:33:17.69,01:33:21.65 Believe me when this man says 01:33:21.69,01:33:25.65 Summer, spring, and fall-time 01:33:25.69,01:33:29.65 You're my one and all-time 01:33:29.70,01:33:36.37 All I live for now[br]is to hold you tight 01:33:39.04,01:33:42.17 All the livelong day 01:33:42.21,01:33:48.15 And the long, long night 01:33:49.65,01:33:51.18 I bet it would sound[br]even prettier... 01:33:51.22,01:33:54.62 with like... like twenty violins. 01:33:54.66,01:33:57.42 And a whole chorus of voices. 01:34:03.17,01:34:05.13 Well, time to go. 01:34:05.17,01:34:06.13 Go where? 01:34:06.17,01:34:07.14 Bowling. 01:34:07.17,01:34:09.14 Oh. Have a good time. 01:34:09.17,01:34:11.64 No, not me. You, remember? 01:34:11.67,01:34:13.64 You got a match. 01:34:13.68,01:34:15.14 Oh, sure. 01:34:15.18,01:34:18.15 No. A bowling match[br]against Silver City. 01:34:18.18,01:34:20.15 And don't worry about the songs. 01:34:20.18,01:34:21.41 I'll buy this one, too. 01:34:21.45,01:34:23.48 Oh, I'm sorry.[br]It's not for sale. 01:34:25.65,01:34:27.49 You can have "Sophia"[br]or any of the others. 01:34:27.52,01:34:29.15 What "Sophia"? 01:34:29.19,01:34:31.66 That Italian number[br]you were so crazy about. 01:34:31.69,01:34:32.82 Oh, that. 01:34:32.86,01:34:34.66 I don't think we should[br]talk business now. 01:34:34.70,01:34:36.93 I can see you two have different[br]things on your minds. 01:34:36.97,01:34:38.33 So we'll discuss it[br]some other time. 01:34:38.37,01:34:39.60 Like when? 01:34:39.63,01:34:41.66 Oh, the next time[br]I come through town... 01:34:41.70,01:34:43.60 on my way from Vegas... 01:34:43.64,01:34:46.47 if there's a detour[br]and if my car breaks down. 01:34:46.51,01:34:47.50 Fair enough. 01:34:47.54,01:34:49.24 I don't think[br]that's fair at all. 01:34:49.28,01:34:51.11 Bye. 01:34:51.15,01:34:52.98 Hold it. 01:34:56.15,01:34:59.02 Orville, you better run along... 01:34:59.05,01:35:02.62 'cause it's not fair[br]to yourself or to your team. 01:35:02.66,01:35:04.12 My team? 01:35:04.16,01:35:06.46 Why, Barney and everybody. 01:35:07.46,01:35:10.12 You don't want[br]to let them down, do you? 01:35:10.17,01:35:12.16 I guess I shouldn't. 01:35:13.17,01:35:17.66 Oh, uh, you better put this on.[br]It gets chilly later. 01:35:19.67,01:35:21.64 She worries about me. 01:35:21.68,01:35:24.51 That's what a wife is for. 01:35:26.18,01:35:28.17 Will you be[br]all right, darling? 01:35:28.22,01:35:29.18 Well, of course she will. 01:35:29.22,01:35:31.45 I'll help her with the dishes[br]and everything. 01:35:31.49,01:35:34.72 After all, we don't want her[br]to have ants in the morning. 01:35:38.19,01:35:40.92 Are you sure you want[br]to be alone with this guy? 01:35:40.96,01:35:44.36 Look, mister, I got a job[br]to do, and you're in the way. 01:35:46.44,01:35:47.93 Good-bye, darling. 01:35:56.45,01:35:57.91 Come on. 01:35:57.95,01:35:59.94 Come on! 01:36:04.45,01:36:05.42 What took you so long? 01:36:05.45,01:36:08.12 I thought I'd have to[br]come in and drag you out. 01:36:10.46,01:36:12.43 I've been doing some thinking. 01:36:12.46,01:36:13.52 Now, before he[br]records that song... 01:36:13.56,01:36:15.79 his lawyers are gonna[br]send us a contract... 01:36:15.83,01:36:17.92 standard royalties,[br]a set a copy... 01:36:17.97,01:36:19.43 but we hold out... 01:36:19.47,01:36:20.59 because if we can get[br]another of our songs... 01:36:20.64,01:36:23.73 on the other side of the record,[br]that doubles our royalties. 01:36:23.77,01:36:26.43 Why let somebody else[br]cash in on our hit? 01:36:26.48,01:36:29.57 And if it's a big hit,[br]maybe he'll do the whole album. 01:36:29.61,01:36:33.38 "Dino Sings Millsap[br]and Spooner." 01:36:33.42,01:36:35.44 All right. So it's[br]Spooner and Millsap. 01:36:35.48,01:36:38.42 Who cares so long as it sells[br]a million copies? 01:36:38.45,01:36:39.94 Then we get a gold record. 01:36:39.99,01:36:41.82 Maybe we win a Grammy award. 01:36:41.86,01:36:43.79 Then come the personal[br]appearances... 01:36:43.83,01:36:45.22 Ed Sullivan! 01:36:45.26,01:36:47.49 Policemen are holding[br]the crowds back. 01:36:47.53,01:36:48.86 Ooh! Ooh! 01:36:48.90,01:36:50.06 They're throwing[br]jellybeans at us. 01:36:50.10,01:36:52.23 He's got a hell of a nerve. 01:36:52.27,01:36:53.23 Huh? 01:36:53.27,01:36:56.10 Does he really think[br]he can buy my wife for a song? 01:36:56.14,01:36:57.50 What wife? What are you[br]talking about? 01:36:57.54,01:36:58.51 She's not your wife. 01:36:58.54,01:37:01.74 Him and his rat pack,[br]they think they own the earth... 01:37:01.78,01:37:04.57 riding around in their white[br]chariots raping and looting... 01:37:04.61,01:37:06.44 and wearing cuffs[br]on their sleeves. 01:37:06.48,01:37:07.71 Orville, pull yourself together. 01:37:07.75,01:37:09.74 To them, we're just[br]a bunch of squares... 01:37:09.78,01:37:11.05 straight men, civilians! 01:37:11.09,01:37:12.58 Any time they want[br]to move in... 01:37:12.62,01:37:14.42 we're supposed to[br]run up the white flag... 01:37:14.46,01:37:17.95 hand over our homes[br]and our wives and our liquor! 01:37:19.13,01:37:21.43 Oh, no, you don't! 01:37:21.46,01:37:23.45 Orville! 01:37:48.29,01:37:49.85 Forget something? 01:37:49.89,01:37:52.52 So you're helping[br]my wife with the dishes? 01:37:52.56,01:37:56.05 Ha! Who's washing, and who's[br]drying? 01:37:56.10,01:37:59.56 One thing I can't stand[br]is a sneaky husband. 01:37:59.60,01:38:01.57 Big Hollywood hotshot. 01:38:01.60,01:38:04.16 You think you can walk[br]in here and snap your fingers... 01:38:04.21,01:38:06.64 and I'll serve my wife[br]to you on a silver platter... 01:38:06.68,01:38:08.84 with an apple in her mouth. 01:38:08.88,01:38:10.17 Get out of here. 01:38:10.21,01:38:12.65 Orville, please! 01:38:12.68,01:38:14.41 He doesn't mean it. 01:38:14.45,01:38:16.21 You heard me. 01:38:16.25,01:38:18.72 O-u-t. 01:38:18.75,01:38:19.72 Out! 01:38:19.75,01:38:20.98 Take it easy. E-a-z-y. 01:38:21.02,01:38:23.49 Get out of here,[br]or I'll throw you out. 01:38:23.53,01:38:25.49 I'm going to count to five. 01:38:25.53,01:38:27.55 One, two... 01:38:27.60,01:38:29.46 What happened[br]to western hospitality? 01:38:29.50,01:38:30.56 four... 01:38:30.60,01:38:32.09 five. 01:38:36.10,01:38:37.77 Orville! 01:38:39.77,01:38:42.27 Stop it, both of you! 01:38:53.49,01:38:56.18 Are you all right? Don't[br]mind him. 01:38:56.22,01:38:58.12 He gets these fits[br]once in a while. 01:38:58.16,01:39:00.32 He just goes crazy and starts[br]attacking people... 01:39:00.36,01:39:02.19 milkmen and dentists[br]and pupils and... 01:39:02.23,01:39:03.20 Oh. 01:39:03.23,01:39:05.70 Are you hurt?[br]Is anything broken? 01:39:05.73,01:39:07.20 No. I'm OK... 01:39:07.24,01:39:10.73 but I'm gonna have[br]such a headache tomorrow. 01:39:14.68,01:39:18.17 If you want action, buddy,[br]go to the Belly Button... 01:39:18.21,01:39:21.44 but don't try to muscle in on a[br]happy home. 01:39:27.76,01:39:29.22 Is my car ready? 01:39:29.26,01:39:30.38 Just about. 01:39:30.43,01:39:32.09 Look. This isn't[br]going to make... 01:39:32.13,01:39:33.75 any difference about the[br]song, is it? 01:39:33.80,01:39:35.82 I mean, you still like it? 01:39:35.86,01:39:36.83 Where is that place? 01:39:36.87,01:39:37.83 What place? 01:39:37.87,01:39:40.33 The Belly Button. 01:39:44.21,01:39:45.67 The swine. 01:39:45.71,01:39:47.70 I fixed him good. 01:39:49.71,01:39:51.18 Big idiot. 01:39:51.21,01:39:53.18 I'll say he is. 01:39:53.21,01:39:55.48 I mean you. 01:39:55.52,01:39:58.21 You fixed yourself good. 01:39:58.25,01:39:59.69 You had everything[br]going for you... 01:39:59.72,01:40:01.05 and you went and loused it up. 01:40:01.09,01:40:02.18 Why? 01:40:02.22,01:40:04.92 I didn't want him to think[br]you were a pushover. 01:40:04.96,01:40:06.89 What difference does it make? 01:40:06.93,01:40:09.69 One man more or less[br]in my life. 01:40:11.93,01:40:14.46 I'm Polly the Pistol, remember? 01:40:14.50,01:40:17.60 I come highly recommended[br]by the bartender. 01:40:17.64,01:40:20.70 Well, I'm not the bartender,[br]and you're not Polly... 01:40:20.74,01:40:21.97 not tonight. 01:40:22.01,01:40:25.95 Tonight, we're Mr. And Mrs.[br]Orville J. Spooner. 01:40:33.72,01:40:35.25 Look at this mess. 01:40:39.66,01:40:41.09 What does the "j"[br]stand for? 01:40:41.13,01:40:42.12 James? 01:40:43.10,01:40:44.69 No. 01:40:46.20,01:40:47.67 Joseph? 01:40:47.70,01:40:49.19 Uh-uh. 01:40:50.71,01:40:52.20 Jasper? 01:40:54.04,01:40:55.53 Jeremiah. 01:40:56.71,01:40:59.41 I'm sorry I asked. 01:41:11.09,01:41:12.89 Don't throw that away. 01:41:12.93,01:41:15.19 There may be a deposit on it. 01:41:15.23,01:41:16.72 All right, dear. 01:41:43.19,01:41:45.79 Cold getting worse? 01:41:45.83,01:41:47.92 It's not my cold. 01:41:52.20,01:41:55.17 It's been a long day,[br]hasn't it? 01:41:55.20,01:41:56.69 Yes, dear. 01:42:11.22,01:42:13.31 Coming, Mrs. Spooner? 01:43:09.21,01:43:12.15 Hey, pal. Those gorgeous[br]cocktail waitresses... 01:43:12.18,01:43:13.31 I heard so much about... 01:43:13.35,01:43:14.32 Yes, sir? 01:43:14.35,01:43:15.32 Where are they? 01:43:15.35,01:43:16.68 This is it. 01:43:16.72,01:43:17.69 You must be kidding. 01:43:17.72,01:43:19.58 I've seen better navels on[br]oranges. 01:43:19.62,01:43:21.21 Take that redhead over there. 01:43:21.26,01:43:23.19 She was runner-up[br]to Miss Nevada. 01:43:23.22,01:43:25.49 What year? Come on, pal. 01:43:25.53,01:43:27.19 Where do you keep[br]the real stuff? 01:43:27.23,01:43:30.06 The most popular one[br]around here is Polly the Pistol. 01:43:30.10,01:43:31.36 Polly the Pistol? 01:43:31.40,01:43:33.37 You can't go wrong with her. 01:43:33.40,01:43:35.37 Fastest draw in the west. 01:43:35.40,01:43:37.87 Now you're talking.[br]Where is she? 01:43:37.91,01:43:39.77 Must be her night off. 01:43:39.81,01:43:40.97 Oh, that's too bad... 01:43:41.01,01:43:43.44 because I'd sure like[br]to shoot it out with her. 01:43:43.48,01:43:45.04 Why don't you[br]try the trailer? 01:43:45.08,01:43:47.31 That's where she lives,[br]right behind the place. 01:43:47.35,01:43:48.32 Which way? 01:43:48.35,01:43:49.65 That-a-way. 01:43:49.68,01:43:50.65 That way? 01:43:50.69,01:43:53.15 Well, if I'm not back by[br]morning... 01:43:53.19,01:43:54.55 you send a posse[br]out after me. 01:44:17.71,01:44:18.70 Bang! 01:44:27.56,01:44:29.05 Open up! 01:44:31.03,01:44:32.22 I know you're in there. 01:44:34.20,01:44:38.10 We got the place surrounded,[br]and I'm coming in to get you. 01:44:39.10,01:44:41.97 Who is it? 01:44:42.00,01:44:44.60 The Lone Ranger. 01:44:46.67,01:44:48.14 What do you want? 01:44:48.18,01:44:49.91 I told you. I'm lone. 01:44:49.94,01:44:52.14 I'm so lone like you[br]wouldn't believe. 01:44:52.18,01:44:54.27 Go away! 01:44:54.32,01:44:57.65 That's no way[br]to treat a customer. 01:44:57.69,01:44:59.74 Where do you keep your glasses? 01:45:04.73,01:45:10.19 Are you going to get out,[br]or do I have to call for help? 01:45:10.23,01:45:14.10 From what I hear, you don't[br]need any help, Polly baby. 01:45:16.20,01:45:17.76 You're... 01:45:17.81,01:45:18.77 you're Dino. 01:45:18.81,01:45:20.90 No names, please. 01:45:20.94,01:45:23.34 I thought I saw you[br]driving through town. 01:45:23.38,01:45:25.35 I didn't make it.[br]My car broke down. 01:45:25.38,01:45:27.85 They put me up[br]with some piano teacher. 01:45:27.88,01:45:30.32 Piano... Orville Spooner? 01:45:30.35,01:45:32.25 That's the joker. 01:45:34.72,01:45:36.71 What an evening. 01:45:36.76,01:45:37.82 What happened? 01:45:37.86,01:45:40.19 Ah, these amateurs, what they[br]won't do to sell a song. 01:45:40.23,01:45:41.79 He kept throwing his wife at me. 01:45:41.83,01:45:42.82 His wife? 01:45:42.86,01:45:44.63 Yeah. Get the scene? 01:45:44.67,01:45:45.79 I'm beginning to. 01:45:45.83,01:45:47.89 Not a bad-looking dame,[br]if you like home cooking... 01:45:47.94,01:45:49.60 but me, I like to eat out... 01:45:49.64,01:45:51.47 you know, Chinese one night... 01:45:51.51,01:45:53.24 a little French cuisine[br]another... 01:45:53.27,01:45:56.21 and a little delicatessen[br]in between. 01:45:56.24,01:45:57.87 Drink up, baby. 01:45:59.11,01:46:01.10 What song did he play you? 01:46:01.15,01:46:03.28 "Sophia"? 01:46:03.32,01:46:04.75 How did you know? 01:46:04.79,01:46:06.62 Did you like it? 01:46:06.65,01:46:08.21 I need another Italian song... 01:46:08.26,01:46:10.49 like a giraffe needs[br]a strep throat. 01:46:12.36,01:46:14.76 Well, I think Orville has a[br]lot of talent. 01:46:14.80,01:46:16.56 You know him? 01:46:17.57,01:46:19.43 See him almost every night. 01:46:19.47,01:46:20.90 He's one of my regulars. 01:46:22.77,01:46:25.80 That mousy little guy[br]with the Beethoven on his chest? 01:46:25.84,01:46:28.21 No. He's a real swinger. 01:46:29.21,01:46:31.54 What do you think[br]you're doing? 01:46:32.55,01:46:33.57 Guess. 01:46:36.85,01:46:39.38 No coaching from the audience. 01:46:40.39,01:46:44.59 Look. You don't understand.[br]This is my night off. 01:46:45.99,01:46:47.89 Well, it's my night on,[br]Polly, baby... 01:46:47.93,01:46:51.59 and if you're worried[br]about money, I tip large. 01:46:59.24,01:47:03.80 Anyway, in my opinion,[br]you're all wrong for it. 01:47:03.85,01:47:06.84 I'm all wrong for what? 01:47:06.88,01:47:08.01 That song. 01:47:08.05,01:47:09.11 I told Orville[br]he should send it... 01:47:09.15,01:47:10.78 to Bobby Darin or Elvis. 01:47:10.82,01:47:12.05 Elvis who? 01:47:12.09,01:47:14.05 I suppose you never[br]heard of the Beatles, either. 01:47:14.09,01:47:17.02 Oh, sure, and I can sing better[br]than all three of them. 01:47:17.06,01:47:18.12 There are four of them. 01:47:18.16,01:47:19.22 Oh, haven't you heard? 01:47:19.26,01:47:20.73 One of them got his hair[br]caught in his guitar... 01:47:20.76,01:47:22.19 and was electrocuted. 01:47:22.23,01:47:23.89 You can make jokes about[br]them... 01:47:23.93,01:47:25.83 but they're young[br]and they're popular... 01:47:25.87,01:47:27.39 while you... 01:47:27.44,01:47:29.30 What about me? 01:47:29.34,01:47:31.60 Let's face it.[br]You're over the hill. 01:47:31.64,01:47:33.73 Sure do know how[br]to hurt a fella. 01:47:33.77,01:47:35.33 I'm sorry,[br]but can you imagine... 01:47:35.38,01:47:37.37 what Jack Jones[br]could do with that song? 01:47:37.41,01:47:38.54 What? 01:47:38.58,01:47:41.38 Listen to me, Sophia 01:47:41.42,01:47:42.85 Have you any idea 01:47:42.88,01:47:43.85 Now look, lady. 01:47:43.89,01:47:44.91 You may have heard[br]a lot of singers... 01:47:44.95,01:47:48.01 but you ain't heard nothing sung[br]till you heard me sung it. 01:47:48.06,01:47:51.18 Oh, listen to me, Sophia 01:47:51.23,01:47:54.19 Have you any idea 01:47:54.23,01:47:58.19 How much you mean to me-a? 01:47:58.23,01:48:02.90 How much, you'll never know 01:48:02.94,01:48:04.67 Then, of course,[br]there's Robert Goulet. 01:48:04.71,01:48:07.64 If I'm all agitato 01:48:07.68,01:48:10.47 Every heartstring vibrato 01:48:10.51,01:48:14.41 Every kiss passionato 01:48:14.45,01:48:15.78 And Eddie Fisher. 01:48:15.82,01:48:19.15 Oh, Sophia, be mine 01:48:19.19,01:48:22.88 Sweet Sophia, be mine 01:49:07.27,01:49:10.14 Oh, Sophia, be mine 01:49:11.14,01:49:13.66 Sweet Sophia, be mine 01:49:34.06,01:49:35.53 Dino! 01:49:35.56,01:49:39.00 Hey, Dino! Dino! 01:49:39.03,01:49:40.52 Dino! 01:50:10.50,01:50:14.49 Well, good-bye, Mr. Spooner. 01:50:16.50,01:50:18.47 What's the matter? 01:50:18.51,01:50:20.47 I'm contemplating. 01:50:20.51,01:50:21.98 Contemplating what? 01:50:22.01,01:50:23.48 Suicide. 01:50:23.51,01:50:25.48 What are you talking about? 01:50:25.51,01:50:26.98 Look at me... 01:50:27.01,01:50:30.47 yesterday, a solid citizen,[br]a blood donor... 01:50:30.52,01:50:36.48 a signer of petitions,[br]and today, the way of all flesh. 01:50:36.52,01:50:42.55 Nonsense. You spent the night[br]with Mrs. Spooner, remember? 01:50:42.60,01:50:43.96 Yeah. 01:50:44.97,01:50:46.46 That's right. 01:50:48.47,01:50:49.90 Here you are. 01:50:49.94,01:50:51.43 What's that? 01:50:51.47,01:50:52.60 It's your pay. 01:50:52.64,01:50:55.54 You know, the deal[br]we made? Twenty-five dollars? 01:50:55.58,01:50:58.94 You wouldn't pay[br]your wife, would you? 01:50:58.98,01:51:01.17 But you need the money if[br]you're saving up for that car. 01:51:01.22,01:51:02.18 What car? 01:51:02.22,01:51:03.84 I gave up on that[br]a long time ago. 01:51:03.88,01:51:05.75 I'll never get out of this town. 01:51:05.79,01:51:07.08 Don't say that. 01:51:07.12,01:51:08.61 Oh, you don't have to worry. 01:51:08.66,01:51:10.99 If we ever[br]run into each other... 01:51:11.03,01:51:13.96 I'll pretend[br]I never even met you. 01:51:13.99,01:51:15.48 Thanks. 01:51:17.00,01:51:18.99 Nice to have met you. 01:51:20.50,01:51:23.96 I wish there were something[br]I could do for you. 01:51:24.00,01:51:25.97 You've done a lot. 01:51:26.01,01:51:30.27 For instance,[br]you cured me of my cold. 01:51:30.31,01:51:31.68 Bye. 01:51:53.97,01:51:57.30 You're just in time.[br]I'm making coffee. 01:51:58.41,01:52:00.03 Would you like some? 01:52:01.24,01:52:02.94 Don't look so surprised. 01:52:02.98,01:52:05.71 You took my place last night,[br]so I took yours. 01:52:05.75,01:52:07.51 It's that simple. 01:52:09.82,01:52:11.28 Oh, then you must be Mrs... . 01:52:11.32,01:52:12.62 That's right. 01:52:12.65,01:52:14.31 Where do you keep the cups? 01:52:19.76,01:52:23.79 Look. Whatever your husband did,[br]he did it for you. 01:52:23.83,01:52:26.82 Whatever I did,[br]I did it for him. 01:52:29.34,01:52:31.50 I've never stayed[br]in a trailer before. 01:52:31.54,01:52:33.60 It's really quite cozy. 01:52:33.64,01:52:37.20 I liked your house,[br]especially that big kitchen. 01:52:37.24,01:52:38.80 I made waffles this morning. 01:52:38.85,01:52:40.78 I'll bet there was no syrup. 01:52:40.82,01:52:43.31 I opened up a jar[br]of your preserves. 01:52:43.35,01:52:47.75 You know, it was sort of fun[br]being a wife for a night. 01:52:47.79,01:52:49.26 And for one night... 01:52:49.29,01:52:52.26 it was fun being[br]Polly the Pistol. 01:52:52.29,01:52:54.39 Oh. 01:52:54.43,01:52:56.29 This belongs to you. 01:52:56.33,01:52:57.32 Me? 01:52:59.30,01:53:00.93 Five hundred dollars? 01:53:00.97,01:53:03.27 Large spender from out of town. 01:53:03.30,01:53:05.80 Why don't I ever meet[br]anybody like that? 01:53:05.84,01:53:06.93 I think you did... 01:53:06.97,01:53:08.37 but you were married at the[br]time. 01:53:08.41,01:53:12.31 You really want[br]to give this to me? 01:53:12.35,01:53:15.32 I'll swap you[br]for that ring. 01:53:15.35,01:53:20.31 Oh, sorry. I forgot. 01:53:20.35,01:53:22.29 And if you should[br]find a loose navel... 01:53:22.32,01:53:25.09 floating around the house,[br]it's mine. 01:53:25.13,01:53:27.49 I'm not going back home. 01:53:27.53,01:53:28.72 You're not? 01:53:28.76,01:53:30.32 I'm moving in with my folks. 01:53:31.93,01:53:33.46 Maybe I shouldn't butt in... 01:53:33.50,01:53:36.03 but I think you're[br]making a mistake. 01:53:36.07,01:53:41.01 If I were you... and I was...[br]I wouldn't leave Orville. 01:53:41.04,01:53:45.24 A woman without a man is like[br]a trailer without a car. 01:53:45.28,01:53:46.75 You ain't going nowhere. 01:53:46.78,01:53:51.01 So when you find a good guy,[br]you should stick to him. 01:53:51.05,01:53:54.92 I deal with married men[br]all the time, the heels. 01:53:54.96,01:53:58.41 Believe me, you got[br]a wonderful husband. 01:53:58.46,01:54:01.76 I know that, but he'll be[br]an even better husband... 01:54:01.80,01:54:02.96 when I get through with him. 01:54:07.30,01:54:10.17 What was that[br]about a loose navel? 01:54:51.91,01:54:53.64 - Hi there, Mr. Spooner.[br]- Hi. 01:54:53.68,01:54:54.71 Mrs. Spooner around? 01:54:54.75,01:54:56.24 - Why?[br]- I was just wondering. 01:54:56.28,01:54:58.08 For the last three days,[br]she hasn't ordered anything... 01:54:58.12,01:54:59.92 no milk, no butter, no eggs. 01:54:59.95,01:55:02.55 Well, we've been eating out. 01:55:02.59,01:55:04.11 l... I mean,[br]she's been eating out. 01:55:04.16,01:55:05.15 As a matter of fact... 01:55:05.19,01:55:06.22 she's been living out[br]with her parents... 01:55:06.26,01:55:08.09 but it's only temporary. 01:55:08.13,01:55:09.99 Just a little[br]misunderstanding. 01:55:10.03,01:55:12.12 You know how it is[br]with married... 01:55:13.17,01:55:15.03 none of your damn business! 01:56:20.84,01:56:22.46 Oh, it's you. 01:56:22.50,01:56:24.63 Didn't I tell you[br]to stay away from here? 01:56:24.67,01:56:26.57 Wait a minute, Orville.[br]I've got a message for you. 01:56:26.61,01:56:28.34 Big genius. 01:56:28.38,01:56:29.87 "We're going to be rich,"[br]you said. 01:56:29.91,01:56:31.90 "Just get rid of your wife[br]for one night." 01:56:31.95,01:56:34.18 Well, I got rid of her,[br]all right. Permanently! 01:56:34.22,01:56:35.18 She doesn't want to see me. 01:56:35.22,01:56:36.34 She doesn't want to talk to me. 01:56:36.38,01:56:37.61 That's what I'm trying[br]to tell you. 01:56:37.65,01:56:39.21 I've got a message from Zelda. 01:56:39.25,01:56:42.28 You fat, miserable,[br]no-good slob! 01:56:42.32,01:56:43.55 Get lost! 01:56:48.16,01:56:49.39 What message? 01:56:49.43,01:56:51.06 So I'm a fat slob, huh? 01:56:51.10,01:56:52.40 Well, come on. Come on. 01:56:52.43,01:56:53.99 I just talked to Zelda. 01:56:54.04,01:56:55.13 She wants to see you. 01:56:55.17,01:56:56.60 - She does?[br]- Uh-huh. 01:56:56.64,01:56:58.33 Oh, you beautiful man! 01:56:58.37,01:56:59.64 Where? When? 01:56:59.67,01:57:02.23 8:00 tonight at her lawyer's. 01:57:02.28,01:57:03.24 Her lawyer? 01:57:03.28,01:57:04.68 Charlie Green.[br]You know, upstairs... 01:57:04.71,01:57:06.44 over Pringle's hardware store. 01:57:06.48,01:57:07.45 Why? 01:57:07.48,01:57:09.51 Why do you think? Divorce. 01:57:09.55,01:57:10.78 Divorce? 01:57:10.82,01:57:12.75 Oh, Barney, this is crazy.[br]I love her. 01:57:12.79,01:57:13.95 I know... 01:57:13.99,01:57:17.19 but that's the way she wants it. 01:57:17.23,01:57:20.19 Why don't you just bring me[br]a five-gallon can of gasoline... 01:57:20.23,01:57:21.20 and a match? 01:57:21.23,01:57:22.56 That's no way to talk... 01:57:22.60,01:57:24.09 because I'm gonna[br]be there, too... 01:57:24.13,01:57:25.57 as a witness. 01:57:25.60,01:57:27.80 Oh, good. 01:57:27.84,01:57:29.70 Then you can swear[br]how it was all your idea... 01:57:29.74,01:57:30.97 that you put me up to it. 01:57:31.01,01:57:32.63 You don't understand, Orville. 01:57:32.67,01:57:35.61 I'm going to be[br]a witness for her. 01:57:35.64,01:57:36.77 For her? 01:57:36.81,01:57:40.18 The way you treated[br]that poor girl. 01:57:40.21,01:57:43.21 You shouldn't[br]have done it, Orville. 01:57:43.25,01:57:45.01 I shouldn't? 01:57:45.05,01:57:48.55 Why, you fat, miserable slob. 01:57:48.59,01:57:51.75 See you at the lawyer's[br]at 8:00 sharp. 01:58:22.76,01:58:25.39 Zelda, before we go up there,[br]I've got to talk to you. 01:58:25.43,01:58:27.09 I warn you, you're not[br]to make any statements... 01:58:27.13,01:58:28.86 except in the presence[br]of your lawyer. 01:58:28.90,01:58:30.30 You shut up! 01:58:30.33,01:58:32.36 The way I treated you[br]was unforgivable... 01:58:32.40,01:58:33.46 but if you'll forgive me... 01:58:33.50,01:58:35.20 everything will be[br]different from now on. 01:58:35.24,01:58:36.43 There will be[br]no more jealousy... 01:58:36.47,01:58:39.10 no more suspicion,[br]no more cross-examining. 01:58:39.14,01:58:40.61 And your eyes are not pink. 01:58:40.64,01:58:42.47 Too little and too late. 01:58:42.51,01:58:44.74 We've drawn up a temporary[br]property settlement. 01:58:44.78,01:58:46.01 you get the piano... 01:58:46.05,01:58:48.48 the pictures of Beethoven,[br]and the classical records. 01:58:48.52,01:58:52.04 She gets the popular records,[br]the bed, and the love seat. 01:58:52.09,01:58:53.55 Let's go. 01:58:53.59,01:58:56.02 Zelda, remember[br]five years ago... 01:58:56.06,01:58:58.05 when we exchanged[br]wedding rings... 01:58:58.09,01:59:02.09 we promised for richer,[br]poorer, better, worse? 01:59:02.13,01:59:03.53 Where is your ring? 01:59:03.56,01:59:06.09 My ring? Oh, yeah. 01:59:06.13,01:59:08.40 You want to know where it is? 01:59:08.44,01:59:09.40 It's in the shower. 01:59:09.44,01:59:10.90 Slipped off,[br]went down the drain. 01:59:10.94,01:59:13.10 You see, I've lost a lot[br]of weight since you left. 01:59:14.91,01:59:16.07 What's that song[br]they're playing? 01:59:16.11,01:59:17.34 Stick to the subject... 01:59:17.38,01:59:18.71 the case of the missing ring. 01:59:18.75,01:59:20.30 Don't worry, Zelda.[br]I'll get it back. 01:59:20.35,01:59:22.84 Maybe with a string[br]and a piece of chewing gum... 01:59:22.88,01:59:25.68 or better yet,[br]we'll... we'll call a plumber. 01:59:29.62,01:59:32.75 Either that's "Sophia,"[br]or somebody stole it from us. 01:59:32.79,01:59:34.85 And now, the star of our show... 01:59:34.90,01:59:37.39 direct from a successful[br]appearance at the bar... 01:59:37.43,01:59:38.63 Dino. 01:59:38.67,01:59:40.13 Dino? 01:59:42.97,01:59:46.30 Listen to me, Sophia 01:59:47.51,01:59:50.24 Have you any idea 01:59:51.58,01:59:55.64 How much you mean to me-a? 01:59:55.68,01:59:58.91 How much, you'll never know 02:00:00.32,02:00:03.42 If I'm all agitato 02:00:04.53,02:00:08.09 Every heartstring vibrato 02:00:08.13,02:00:09.32 I don't understand it. 02:00:09.36,02:00:11.02 Why would he sing our song[br]after what I did to him? 02:00:11.07,02:00:12.59 I guess the bigger they are... 02:00:12.63,02:00:14.10 the nicer they are. 02:00:14.14,02:00:16.47 Who but you made me so? 02:00:16.50,02:00:18.67 Look at it.[br]It's on all twelve sets! 02:00:18.71,02:00:20.50 Twelve sets, my eye. 02:00:20.54,02:00:22.70 Thirty million people[br]are watching this show. 02:00:22.74,02:00:25.64 A Nielsen rating of 21.7. 02:00:25.68,02:00:27.41 Did you hear that, darling? Do[br]you know what this means? 02:00:27.45,02:00:28.51 Sure. 02:00:28.55,02:00:30.21 I'll have Charlie Green[br]ask for more alimony. 02:00:30.25,02:00:32.15 - Zelda![br]- Shh. 02:00:32.19,02:00:34.05 I can't hear my words. 02:00:34.09,02:00:38.49 Or from earth I resign 02:00:38.53,02:00:43.09 Oh, Sophia, be mine 02:00:49.40,02:00:51.67 Thank you. Thank you,[br]ladies and gentlemen. 02:00:51.71,02:00:54.04 Now, isn't it a gas, that song? 02:00:54.08,02:00:55.24 Found it myself... 02:00:55.28,02:00:57.40 and there's an interesting[br]story behind it. 02:00:57.45,02:00:59.54 I was on my way[br]back from Vegas... 02:00:59.58,02:01:02.74 and I stopped in a place[br]called Climax, Nevada. 02:01:02.78,02:01:04.08 Lovely little town... 02:01:04.12,02:01:06.61 and I heard one[br]of the natives humming a tune... 02:01:06.65,02:01:10.25 and as I drove away,[br]that melody kept haunting me... 02:01:10.29,02:01:11.28 you know... 02:01:11.33,02:01:14.06 so I turned around[br]and went back... 02:01:14.10,02:01:16.43 and there were these[br]two amateur songwriters... 02:01:16.46,02:01:19.43 Miller and Spoonsap,[br]uh, Moonsap and Spiller. 02:01:19.47,02:01:21.56 Millsap and Spooner. 02:01:21.60,02:01:23.47 Spooner and Millsap. 02:01:23.50,02:01:24.63 Well, anyway... 02:01:24.67,02:01:27.14 I stayed up all night[br]listening to their songs... 02:01:27.17,02:01:28.64 and tonight,[br]you're hearing one of them... 02:01:28.68,02:01:29.64 for the first time... 02:01:29.68,02:01:30.70 which just goes to prove... 02:01:30.75,02:01:32.58 that if you've got[br]what it takes... 02:01:32.61,02:01:35.88 sooner or later, somebody[br]will take what you've got... 02:01:35.92,02:01:37.28 baby. 02:01:37.32,02:01:40.88 Listen to me, Sophia 02:01:41.92,02:01:44.22 Have you any idea 02:01:45.33,02:01:46.85 Can we have your autographs? 02:01:46.89,02:01:48.45 This way, please. 02:01:50.36,02:01:52.09 How much, you'll never know 02:01:52.13,02:01:55.90 Imagine, just this morning,[br]he was checking my mother's oil. 02:01:55.94,02:01:57.96 I bet you're going to make,[br]like, a million dollars. 02:01:58.01,02:02:01.13 Who cares? In our bracket,[br]the government gets most of it. 02:02:01.18,02:02:02.80 Will you sign this for me? 02:02:04.31,02:02:06.08 Can't we try again, lambchop? 02:02:06.11,02:02:07.24 How would it look[br]when Barney and I... 02:02:07.28,02:02:08.34 are on "The Ed Sullivan Show"... 02:02:08.38,02:02:09.85 and he wants you[br]to stand up and take a bow... 02:02:09.88,02:02:11.58 and you're not in the audience? 02:02:11.62,02:02:13.38 You can always get someone to[br]take my place. 02:02:13.42,02:02:14.51 Who'll know the difference? 02:02:14.56,02:02:16.49 Yeah. 02:02:16.52,02:02:17.65 What do you mean? 02:02:17.69,02:02:19.06 Will you sign this for me? 02:02:19.09,02:02:20.19 - Me, too.[br]- Here. 02:02:20.23,02:02:21.25 - Me, too.[br]- Me, too. 02:02:28.97,02:02:31.34 Listen to me, Sophia 02:02:31.37,02:02:32.90 He's no Valentino 02:02:32.94,02:02:35.24 Have you any idea 02:02:35.28,02:02:36.64 But there's no one we know 02:02:36.68,02:02:39.44 How much you mean to me-a? 02:02:39.48,02:02:40.64 Who can love like Dino 02:02:40.68,02:02:43.28 Oh, Sophia, be mine 02:02:44.82,02:02:47.29 All the others were so-so 02:02:47.32,02:02:48.81 Skinny like a pony 02:02:48.86,02:02:51.35 Not a one amoroso 02:02:51.39,02:02:52.86 Thin as macaroni 02:02:52.89,02:02:55.89 But with you, I'm aglow 02:02:55.93,02:02:57.40 Bang, bang. 02:02:57.43,02:03:00.20 Only you I adore 02:03:01.20,02:03:05.61 She's sweeter than spumoni 02:03:05.64,02:03:07.44 She's a manicurist I met. 02:03:07.48,02:03:09.44 I had my nails done[br]while you were gone. 02:03:09.48,02:03:11.41 - I'm not asking any questions.[br]- That's right. 02:03:11.45,02:03:13.00 There's going to be[br]no more questions. 02:03:13.05,02:03:14.91 Here. You'd better put this on. 02:03:14.95,02:03:16.44 My ring. 02:03:16.48,02:03:17.97 When our hearts intertwine 02:03:18.02,02:03:18.99 Where did you get it? 02:03:19.02,02:03:20.39 No questions, remember? 02:03:20.42,02:03:22.18 Oh, Sophia, be mine 02:03:22.22,02:03:23.71 I must be going out of my mind. 02:03:23.76,02:03:25.78 I can't figure out any of this. 02:03:25.83,02:03:27.35 Any of what? 02:03:27.40,02:03:30.92 I mean, the ring and the song[br]and the car and Dino. 02:03:30.97,02:03:32.87 How would you? 02:03:32.90,02:03:33.89 When did she? 02:03:33.93,02:03:35.33 Why would he? 02:03:36.74,02:03:38.64 Kiss me, stupid. 02:03:40.61,02:03:49.78 Oh, Sophia, be mine
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