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Klumps The

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Well, look what rolled in.
You know, at first, I thought|you was old-ass Raisinet|riding on a skateboard.
I'd like to come over there|and choke the life out of you|right in front of Jesus.
Sweet Lord, give me strength.|Don't make me have to whup|nobody's head in church.
Ignore him, Lord.|Ignore all his prayers.
He ain't nothing,|never did nothing.|Give him a stroke or something.
Do you, Sherman Klump ?
Yes, I do.
Indeed, I do.
~ Oh, happy day, happy day|Oh, happy day, happy day ~|~ Oh, yeah, happy day ~~
Happy day, happy day.|Happy day, my ass.
Oh, he lookhandsome.|
Oh, my baby's finally getting|married. Never thought I'd live|to see the day. Finally.
Oh, here she comes,|here she comes.
I'm gonna cry. I promised|myself I'm wasn't gonna cry.|Now I'm gonna cry.
Yeah, all right.|Dynamite.
You may be seated.
Oh, thank God.|Oh, thank God.
l always knew he'd find|the right girl. Always knew.
You see the Indian|in her cheekbones ? Ooh !|Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.|Sherman ! Oh, Lord.
Shh, my baby's so stupid.
Dearly beloved,|we have gathered here today...
to join these two people|in holy matrimony.
- Praise the Lord.|- The eminent scientist,|Professor Sherman Klump...
- Mm-hmm.|- and his longtime sweetheart,
Denise Gaines.|[ Sighing ]|Oh, Sherman.
lf anyone has any reason|why these two shouldnot be wed,|let him speaknow...
or forever hold his penis.
- Oh, Sherman.
That's it, son.|Show 'em what the Klumps|are made of !
- Sherman, put that away.|- Sherman, calm down, baby.|Save it for the honeymoon.
- Surprise !|- [ All Screaming ]
- [ Cackling ]|- Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy.|What's wrong with you ?
- This is some scar shit.|- Yeah, like The Outer Limits.
No, don't hurt yourself, baby.|You are coming with Buddy.
- No ! No !|- See you later, chunky butt !|[ Cackling ]
No !
And then I wake up|in a cold sweat.
How often do you have|this dream ?|More and more lately.
You seem to be very fond|of this girl, Denise.
My God, she is so special to me.
But how's she gonna love me when|I got Buddy Love inside me ?|I wanna be perfect for her.
Perfect ?|No one is perfect, Sherman.
You need to understand|that Buddy Love|is a representation...
of the uninhibited,|hedonistic id.
- He is not a real person.|- Buddy Love is real !
Well, he was real,|and he does take control|of me sometimes.
You will never learn|to control him...|Sherman !
until you accept the fact|that he is apart of you.
Yeah, and the best part too !|And I'll tell you|something else, punk !
All these diplomas on this wall|don't make up for the fact...
that you got|a little Vienna sausage|in your drawers.
- Is that why|they call you a shrink ?|- Shut up, fat a--
- Sorry.
Yeah, yes.|Session got a little outta--|outta control.
You see, we all have|a little Buddy Love inside us.
Yeah.|But we can't let him|rule our lives.
You're in charge, Sherman.|Can you say that for me ?
I'm in charge.|Can't hear you.
- I'm in charge.|- Can't hear you !
I'm in charge !|Sorry about that.|[ Glass Shattering ]
Yeah.|Klump in charge !|I'm in charge !
He's right. I am in charge.
Klump in charge. Yes, indeed.
Good afternoon, ladies.|Yeah.
Hey, Professor Klump.|How's it going ?|Fantastic. How about yourself?
Yeah.|Klump in charge.
Afternoon.|Good day.|Hi.
How you doing ?
- Beautiful day,|isn't it, Professor ?|- Bite me, old hag. Oh !
- What ?|- Uh, uh, I said, he likes me.|Look at him wag.
Hey, little fella.|See that little tail wagging ?
Have a good day.|I'm in charge.|My goodness.
Kinda hot today,|huh, Professor ?|You have no idea how hot it is.
- Hot ! Nice and hot !|- Oh, Professor ! I loved your lecture the other day.
Oh, thankyou.|Thankyou so much.|
You're the man.|You're the man.|I'm in control.
Yeah, keep tellin'|yoursel fthat, bubble butt !
It is theoretically possible|to isolate the elements...
of an individual's|genetic makeup and separate them.
Now someday, we may be able to|locate an unhealthy risk factor|in our DNA and remove it.
Excuse me. Beg your pardon.
l'm sorry.|Excuse me.
Whether this is advisable|is another question entirely.
Oh, my eye !|Oh, Professor Klump.
Oh ! Professor Gaines,|how are you ?
I was hoping I might be able|to sit in on your lecture.
I'm sure we can accommodate you|since you were so quiet coming in.
Well, it's very hard|to be quiet...
when you're lecturing|on genomic extractions.
I think it's ver exciting.|Oh, lagree completely.
Something about the way|the nucleotides cohere|with the target sequence.
Yeah. I always say,|ifyou can't be with|the nucleotide that you love,
cohere with|the one you're with.
- Yeah.|- Uh, anyway as I was--
Uh, l want those|lab reports on my desk.
No excuses.|I'll see you next time.
Professor Gaines.
Oh, Professor Klump.|Yeah.
Um, yes, I was, um--|I was wondering if you had a--
- Dean Richmond, we were--|-Just having... a little chat.
Don't be bashful,|ProfessorGaines.
Pound-for-pound, this big lug's the greatest|scientist on the planet.
And let's be honest, pound-for-pound, he is aplanet.|That's said with love.
- Did you get those goo-goo clusters I sent you ?|- Yes, I did, thank you,
but I'm on a diet right now,|so I can't eat 'em.
And it's working beautifully.|No, l'm telling you.
When I came in, with this light and in that outfiit,|you could really think for a second that--
Anyway, you said you had|something to show me.
I am so excited about this, Dean.|You will be too.
You got that ?|Come on. Jason, where's our patient ?
Right here, Professor. Come on, boy.
Now this is Buster.|Buster suffers from acute|arthritis and diminished vision,
which are both signs of advanced aging.
We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's|problems right now, aren't we, Buster ?
Yes, we are.|This little experiment...
makes use of Professor Gaines's brilliant|research on gene targeting.
Now, if I've composed this formula properly,
this should be most impressive.
All right, Buster.
Jiminy freaking Cricket !
Sherman, this is amazing.
You've just discovered--|The fountain of youth. This is huge.
Do you have any idea|what you've done ? This is unbelievable. We're rich.
We're gonna have every |pharmaceutical-company in the world...
lining up|to throw money at us.
Of course, it all has to be|properly tested first.
Exactly, yes.|He makes an interesting point. |Here's another. Shut up !
Besides, look at the little fella.|He can lick his own winky again.
|There's not a guy in the world|who wouldn't wanna do that.
Klump !|Dean Richmond !
The effect is only temporary.|l'm sorry, sir. You're sorry ?
Oh, my goodness.|I'm just tring not to think|where that tongue has been !
You all right ?
Klump, party of six, please.|Yes, and we're hungry.
Mama, you know, you really look good.|Have you been losing weight ?
Oh, thankyou, baby, no, but I'm getting ready|to start a new diet.
Have some of this ambrosia.|I don't even like ambrosia.
Don't tell me you don't like|ambrosia. You had some before, and you liked it.
Have some adventure !|Oh, now I'm a child-- I don't know what I like.
...for the all-girls soccer team.
Let me get that for you.|Oh, my baby's so gallant.
Sherman, come here.|And it's called ''All the pork you can eat'' diet.
You can have all the pork you want. |You can have ham, bacon, sausage.
I got the wrong thing.|Take that. Thank you.
Now I got a full portion.|Whateveryou wanna eat,
just as long as you have|three glasses of grapefruit|juice afterwards...
because the grapefruitjuice|breaks down all the unwanted--
Get away from there !|Stop that ! Baby !
Honey, get the baby. He's a boy, and boys|don't be doing stuff like that.
- Hey ! Get your ass--|- What ?
Please teach that boy manners.|He ain't gonna be acting like no hooligan with me.
That was a spoon or fork ?|That was a spoon. All right.|Boys will be boys.
- Boys will be boys.
Oh, this looks fabulous.|Yeah, it looks really good.
How about getting another bottle|of red over here ?|Get some more wine.
Hey, Ernie, maybe|you wanna pace yourself|and take it easy, huh ?
Pace myself?|Hey, this is a celebration|for Daddy retiring.
We owe it to Daddy|togetshit-faced,|andl'm gonnagetshit-faced.
By the way, congratulations, Mr. Klump.
She's so polite.|Look here, Denise, you have to|stop that ''Mr. Klump'' stuff...
'cause I've been hearing that|for the last year or so, and I'm starting to feel old.
- l ain't an oldman.|- You are an old man.
Ah, shit, Grandma,|what's wrong with you ?
If it isn't the Alzheimer's Express|right on schedule !
- Stop that ! Hi, Mama.|- She drove right on my bunion.
Y'all have to excuse me|for being late.
If you weren't my grandmother, boy--|If you weren't my grandmother !
Me and Isaac started getting|kinda frisky in the car.
- Ooh !|- Had to give him a little appetizer.
- Ooh, Mama.
- I just lost my damn appetite.|- Mama, your dress is undone. Let me zip you up.
Hurry. Zip herup in the back|before she starts looking...
like one of them Zulu hags on the cover|of NationalGeographic.
- Clesius, what's wrong with you ? That's my mother.|- Like that movie, Shaka Zulu.
You know something, Clesius ?|Come on. Come on right now !
I'm gonna tell you something.|I got a razor in this bag.
Oh, yeah, l'll tell you what.|That ain 't even no bag in yourhand. That's your titty.
Clesius !|Oh, Jesus !
She's an old bag with old bag titties.|Clesius, you out of your mind?
He called your grandma's titty|a bag.
- Death !|- Clesius Marcellus Klump.
lf it isn't the world's|oldest living Negro ?
Hey, how are things going|on the Underground Railroad, Isaac ?
Oh, Clesius, please, be nice to Mr. lsaac. |Goodevening, Mr. lsaac.
Come on and have a seat.
Good evening, Mr. Isaac.|How you doing tonight ?
lsaac know l'm playing. |l play with lsaac all the time. |You know l'm messing with you.
Oh, yeah, you say|what you wanna say,
but Isaac's still like a|Brahma bull when it comes|to relations, right, baby ?
You know what they say ?|You're as young as you feel.
- Well, I must be 197.|- Klump, funny you should say that.
Denise and I have been doing some research on aging, |which has proven to be promising.
Ooh, Baby, don't belch in public.
Grandma don't wanna hear|all that nastiness. He bringing the bass, huh ?
You plan to eat, you gonna be belching,|cover your mouth.
Hey, look, your grandpa ate|a whole plate of beans,
you don't see me doing|the ol' butt trumpet, do you ?
Thank the Lord.|We don't have to hear all that nasty imagery.
- Butts and trumpets.|- I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say.
Hey, can we get some toothpick ?|Some toothpick !
If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and run around|this restaurant and blow...
''Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle,''|that's my business !
All I'm hearing is trumpets and asses.|I don't wanna hear that.
Hey ! You watch it now.
You reach over here again,|you gonna pull back a nub.
- Oh, Clesius, she's fiier. I like that.
Tell me, don't touch the chicken.|Don't be hitting on people.
l don't be getting hit on,|Sherman, you know that.
Better eat up, Isaac,|'cause you gonna need your strength.
Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch|Mating Season on the Serengeti.
- Oooh !|- Don't take a lot to get Isaac going.
- Time out ! Let me call a time out on that.|- Lord, my, my.
- I don't wanna hear about you old-ass geriatrics.|- Oh, yeah, Clesius ?
Me and Isaac might be|dried-up geriatrics,
but ain't nothing wrong|with Isaac's love tackle.
- Ooh, Mama.|- Oh, snap now.
Hmm ? What's the matter, Clesius, cat got your tongue ?|Step on a nerve, Clesius ?
I get you.|Got you, got you. Got ya !
These potatoes sure are|scrumptious, aren't they ?
- Ain't that a kick in the head.|- Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they ?
Potato, my ass.|Ain't that a kick in the head ?
- What that piece of spaghetti remind you of?|Oh !
- Oh, Grandma, now, come on. That's enough now.|- Sure enough.
Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps ?
-Oh, Lord have mercy.|- Let me tell you, old woman.
What ldo in my bedroom is my business.|You understand?
Only thing you do in your bedroom is pull|the lint offyour scrotum.
- Now it's getting thick.|- See ? That's the last straw.
- I think I'm gonna propose a toast.|- Let's make a toast.
- To Daddy.|- Hear! Hear!
After 35 years of hard work|in the construction business,|Thirty-five years !
Daddy's gonna fii nally get|a chance to relax.
- Finallygonnaget to relax.|- This is true.|- Damn right.
And I'd like to say|in front ofeverbody here tonight--
When|you gonna stop jiving and tell|everbody you got laid off ?
- Oh, my God.
- He's choking.
Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock" on him ?|Put your arm up !
The "Hemlockmove. " Give me|a knife andstraw. l'm gonna|give him a tracheotomy.
lseen them do it on E.R.
lt's allright, folks.|Everything's undercontrol.
Clesius. No, Clesius.|Where you going ?|Sherman ! Clesius !
- Dad, where you going ?|- Daddy !|- Oh !
Now you see what you did,|Joe College ? You done|messed up the whole party.
Jason, I just know I'm not the one saying|all those awful things.
It was him. You may be right, Professor.|Take a look at this reading.
Right there. Recombining with the gene that governs|testosterone production.
Buddy Love.
I told you.|That's Buddy Love.
Don't panic. Allright.
We should be able to get rid of him.|According to Denise's theories,
we should be able to isolate that gene and extract it.|No, no way.
Professor, what you're talking about|is extremely dangerous.
Those traces of Buddy must've been |in your system this whole time.
You've been able to keep them under control.|Not anymore. He's back now.
He's coming back 'cause he knows |I'm happy and he wanna ruin everthing.
Yeah, but he is not a he.|He is a gene.
He's just part of you.|Oh, no, he's not.
Am I interrupting ?
Oh, uh, not at all.|We were just doing some|last-minute tests on Buster.
Uh, Sherman, can I talk to you|in private for just a second ?
Sherman, I got a call today,
and, well, I've been offered a full professorship|at the University of Maine.
University of Maine ?|But, Denise, that's in Maine. |Yeah.
Well, uh, that's a fine department|over there in Maine.
It is gonna be a...
tremendous loss to Wellman, though.
Well, I haven't decided|to leavejust yet. You haven't ?
Well, no, I mean--
There's something|ver important to me here,
and I'm not so sure|I can just leave it behind.
Well, Denise, you can fii nish|the research we started on your own.
Sherman, I'm not talking|about research. Really ?
Sherman,|you're ver special to me.
Oh, well, uh,|I didn't...
thinkyou and I|would ever-- ever--
because of--
How can I put it ?|Because I'm-- Big.
Yeah. I was gonna say fat,|but, yeah.
Big is better, yep.
Sherman, that doesn't matter to me.|What matters to me is that...
you're kind and decent.
You are...|the most brilliant man I've ever known.
Uh, speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you|from your research,
so, um, I'll talk to you later.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
My goodness.
Professor? You okay ?
Yeah. I just don't wanna|hurt her, Jason.
Then you won't.
Hey, you can control Buddy.
You know, it's funny how you get used to certain|things in life, you know ?
You get used to being overweight.|I know I did.
You even get used to people|making fun of you.
Somewhere along the line, |I got used to being alone.
And I just don't wanna|be alone anymore.
Denise! Denise!
Oh, Sherman,|the flowers are beautiful.
But what are you doing down there ?|Please, come inside.
Just a minute. Let me do something first.|Come here, guys.
Denise,|I just wanna say that...
working alongside you|this past year,
getting to know you|and be close to you--
it's been the most|wonderful time of my life.
~ The most wonderful time|of his life ~
How lovely.
l'djust like to say that--
it doesn't matter ifyou wanna|take that otherjob or if you wanna stay here.
What matters to me most|is that you're happy.
Denise, I have something|that I wanna ask you.
~ He wants to ask you ~
Denise--|Denise Gaines--
Yes, Sherman ?|Denise, will you--
Well, ask her !
Denise, will you--| Hey, Sherman.|You hearme, Sherman ?
Denise, willyou--|willyou...
let me come up there|and put my beef in your taco ?
- ~~~Put the beef in your taco~~~|- What ?
Oh, no, no, no, no !
That's not what|lmeant to say, Denise.|That wasa littlejoke.
A littlejoke.|I wanted to see if you wanted|to go out and get Mexican food.
That's why l said that.|Well, I am kinda hungry, but I'm not--
Yeah, you are, huh ?|l bet you could standfor a big ol' Whopperright now.
~ A big ol' Whopper right now ~
- You're sick !|- I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself.
Yeah, and I'm loaded|with secret sauce.
Yeah ! Come on !
Back that thang up !|Yeah !
Come on ! Come on !|Yeah !
Yeah !
Come on !|Make it funky !
You're gonna ruin my lawn,|you pervert !
Put on the good ass !
Sherman, l don't know what's gotten into you,|but ldon't like it at all!
Hah, way togo, Sherman !|Oh, my goodness !
You haven't seen the last ofme, Sherman !|Oh, my goodness, what'd I do ?
Denise !|Denise !
l'm gonnapee on myself.|l'm gonnapee in your pants !
Okay, Buddy,|it's time foryou to go.
|That's sexy.
~ You-ou-ou've got|the magic touch ~
~ Ooh, hoo ~|Hey, what you playing that for ?
I thought it'd be soothing.|It'd be soothing if you turned|that shit off so I can sleep.
Oh, Clesius,|you haven't even looked at me.
I know what you look like.|We married for 44 years. |I look at you ever day, all day long.
- I knowjust|what you look like.|- Clesius, please, look at me !
Damn.|Now here we go.
You got a show tonight ?|What you got that on for ?
Well, if you don't know|after 44 years of marriage,|I don't know what to say to you.
You should say good night and|take that damn rag off that lamp|before we burn something down.
- Hell.
There !
What about Viagra ?
Viagra don't work for me.|I've been taking 'em like M&M's.
Look, Clesius,|maybe it's psychosomatic.
I seen on Oprah once that this happen to men|after they get fii red.
Um, lmean, retired. You know, sometimes|you lose yourself-esteem.
Lose self-esteem ?|I ain't lost no self-esteem.
You're alwaysyapping about it.|You won't neverlet up !|Forget it !
You're like a broken record.|Ever time I turn around,|''Clesius, how you feeling now ?''
''You got the groove now ?''|Ever time I walk in the room,
I don't even wanna hear it. you shake your ass,|tring to get me stimulated.
Go to sleep, please.|Let it happen naturally.
Never mind, Clesius !|Never mind !
I mean, I'm sorry to yell and scream, but you got|too much pressure on me !
You want tenderness ?|Ease up on the pressure.
Too muchpressure forme.|[BedCreaking]
[Grandma]|Slowit down, lsaac.|No, no, baby, l'm overhere.
Now, there they go.
Now, you're fine now.|lsaac, you're a champion.
That's your old-ass mother.|Hey !|My mama has a healthy libido.
Gotta slowit down !|lain 't taking nobody|to the emergency room tonight!
Somebody break their leg,|gonna stay broke this time.
[Grandma]|lsaac! Bingo. Pokeno.
Professor? Professor?|Hey.
Professor?|Hey, Professor!
Wake up.|Oh. Oh, Jason.
My God, what happened ?|[ Grunting ]
Buddy.|I had to get rid of Buddy.
What ?|He had to go.
You could've killed yourself.|I mean, who knows ?
This could affect your coordination,|your neurological system.
It could even affect your intelligence. We don't|even know if this is gonna work.
Only one way to fii nd out.
Okay, Sherman,|what is this about ?|Denise.
l'm so glad you came.|You know, I almost didn't come.
Well, l'm awful glad you did.
Listen to me, Denise.|Listen.
You know, fireflies,|when they're searchingfor a mate,
the way they findone another|is they emit apheromone,
and I've synthesized it|into a spray form.
Wait a minute.|You brought me out here for an experiment ?
Denise, wait, please !|Just hear me out !|Please, don't leave.
Sherman, why did you act|that way the other night ?
Well, Denise,
when I found out that you might|be leaving, it just got me all messed up inside.
I said some things|I really didn't mean at all.
lt was-- lt was like|there was another person inside me...
who didn't appreciate|how wonderful you are to me|and how special you are to me.
And-And--|But thatside of me is gone now.
l got rid of that person forever. |You'l l never see that ugly face again.
l just want you to know that for sure. |That's why l wanted you to come out here tonight.
Just- Just bear with me,|please.
Hope my little friends|might be able to...
say it better than me.
Yes, Sherman Klump,|I will.
Will you really ?|Really ?|Really.
Yes. I will.|I really will.|You will ?
Yeah !|Yeah !
Yeah, yeah, yeah !
Come on, Buster.|Time to go home.
That's right. That's right.|Time to go home.
Now wait. Sit.|Good boy.
Wait for Uncle ''J.''|Stud.
Hey, Buster,|where'd you go, boy ?|Here's a good boy.
Ohhhh, Sherman,|Sherman, Sherman !
My baby's finally getting|married, married, married !
Oh, Sherman !|I'm so happy for you,|Sherman.
You're finally|gonna get some.
~ Tell me something good ~
Whoo !
~ Tell me that you|love me, yeah ~
Come on now,|dance with me, girl.|You look fantastic.
lf you two can stop|getting all jiggy with it,
perhaps I can give you something|to really celebrate. Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, Dean, what's that ?|Oh, nothing much.
A letter from Phleer Pharmaceuticals, largest|drug company in the world.
I told them about your little discover, and they|made a preemptive offer.
Not too shabby, eh ?
A hundred and fiifty|million dollars !
[ Laughing ]|Oh, my God, Sherman !
A hundred and fiifty million dollars ! |Oh, my goodness.
lsn 't that wonderful?|Now, remember, that money belongs to Wellman.
All you have to do is prove to Phleer the formula |works at the press conference I set up.
Yeah ! Of-Of course.|$150 million-- my mind's all scribble-scrabble.
Oh, Mama, lcan't wait|to see what she looks like|in my old wedding dress.
I can't wait to see, Mama.|She gonna--
Oh !|[Clapping Hands]
Oh, seeing you in that dress|take me right back to the time l got married.
- It's beautiful.|- Oh, you look wonderful.|Show Mama what you look like.
Mama, look at this.|Oh, you look so lovely.
Oh, be careful now.|She looks fabulous in it, don't she, Mama ? Look at her.
Denise, you still remember what I told you|about marital relations ?
Oh, Mama. Denise, look.|Try this pie.|I made it with Snickers.
Now, don't be shy.|Come on over here.
Oh, that's pretty.|Okay, if you get bored with your man,
it's perfectly okay topicture|someone else's headon his body.
Right. Ooh, you got|a little waist, girl.
That's right. That gentleman,|Stone Phillips, on NBC.
You know, Granny, I really don't think|I need to do that.
Isaac, you don't need to hear this.|It's private. It's private !
We gonna talk|girl talk now, baby.
From time to time, l have fantasies about|Stone Phillipsfrom NBC.
- Mama. Mama, quiet.|- It's true. It's the same dream all the time.
I'm in a tobacco barn.|Stone Phillips is my coworker,
andhe don't never have on|no shirt in the dream, and l|don't never have on no pants.
It's the nougat|that makes it chewy.|And I stand on this ladder,
Stone Phillipsget a little peek of heaven|l got up myskirt.
I invite him up the ladder,|he come up the ladder and throw me on the tobacco.
And we start going at it|like two mice.
Stone, Stone, Stone.|Mm !
Oh, I think that's|a wonderful fiit.
I do too.
Oh, you're so sweet.|Sherman and Denise !|Sherman and Denise !
Marriage, marriage,|marriage, marriage, marriage.|They gonna get married, Mama.
Ooh, l'm so happy.
Welcome back.|Marriage, marriage,|marriage, marriage.
~~~Nutty, nutty, nutty|my love for you~~~
~~~lcan't believe|my dreams come true~~~
~~~l've finally foundsomebody|whose heart is true~~~
~~~And best of all is you're|nutty, nutty, nutty forme~~~
~~~ Whoa, whoa|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa~~~~~~
Well, well, well, we've seen quite a bit|ofeach othertoday.
Now strip down to your shorts. Right.
l suppose you thought l was gonna object to|a strip search, didn't you, Chief?
[Buddy]|Keep your clothes on, please.|Don't nobody wanna see that!
Here's my wallet. Why don't you|check foryourself?|[Buddy Continues Cackling]
Yeah, hold that stomach in,|Robert !
What's his problem ?
I don't know,|but enough is enough.|Excuse me, sir.
Young man, will you please|keep it down just a little bit|'cause we're trying to watch--
Just when you thought|it was safe to go back|to the theaters.
Hello, fat ass !|[ Cackling ]
Maybe we should get going.|I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go.
Come on, let's go somewhere else.|Sherman, who was that ?
- I don't know. I didn't really get a good look at him.|- Sherman ! Sherman Klump !
You still been|hitting them Happy Meals.|You haven't changed an inch.
You remember me-- Buddy Love.|We used to both chase that girl,|Carla, at the same time.
- You ever hit that ?|- Miss Purty and I were just friends.
''Just friends''--|I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh ?
Who's your new friend ?|She sure is fii ne. Yes, fii ne.|What's your name ?
Sherman, suddenly|I don't feel so well.|Can we leave, please ?
Yes, let's go, please.|Can I talk to Sherman for one|second ? Then you can have him.
One second, please. l gotta talk to you.|We gonna have a little boy talk.
Excuse us. Sherman, how you doing, baby ?|What do you want here ?
A little respect. |You left me all by myself in that test tube...
without a card or a letter,|and now I want a divorce.
And this is a community property state,|so I want my share.
Want your share of what ?|The youth formula we invented !
You mean, the youth formula that I invented.|Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
- Who you grounding, fat boy ?|You grounding me ?|- l haven't grounded--
- I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.|- Come on, Sherman.
You're gonna make me do something |nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
Sherman !|See you soon, Sherman !
Sherman !
Sherman !
What the hell|are you looking at ?
Oh, thank you, Sherman.
What else did I get from Sherman ?|What does this say ?
''Phleer Pharmaceuticals.''|$150 mill-- $150 million.
I think Buddy's going shopping.
Professor, I got here as fast as I could.
I've got to hide this formula|before Buddy gets to it. Good idea.
I found something|I think you should look at.
When I left here last night, everthing was fii ne.|I mean, this was not here.
Good Lord. Buddy must've recombined from the genomic|sequence I extracted.
This doesn't make any sense.|He's just a fragment|of genetic information.
He's nothing without a strand of DNA|to graft himself onto.
Where-Where did he get it ?
Just a second here.
Buster !
Thank you so much.|Leanne Guilford.
President of Acquisitions.|Buddy Love, president of Love Industries.
Allergies ?
No. Do you have a dog ?|Yes, I do-- a Yorkie.
Oh.|She's driving me crazy|right now.
- Bitch.|- Excuse me.
It's a female dog that you have,|and she's in heat, right ? Yes. How did you know that ?
Let's just say I have|a sixth sense about those things. Is this her ?
Yeah, little Courtney.|[ Clears Throat ]|Ooh, nasty.
Mr. Love, maybe we'd better|do this another time.|No, this is the perfect time.
Let's do this right now. This is the perfect time|to talk about my youth formula.
We are already committed to purchasing|Professor Klump's formula.
Oh, Professor Klump's formula ?|That's if it works.
Let's just that although he's a brilliant scientist,|at times, he can be unstable.
Interesting. Yes, now, my formula works...
and can be yours for the price|of $149 million, if you act now, pretty lady.
Forgive me for being blunt,|but you don't expect me tojust|take your word for it, do you ?
Oh, no, not at all.|Just say when, and I'll|make it available to you.
All right.
If Klump can't deliver and you|can prove your formula's better, Yes ?
Phleer would have to seriously consider it.|Is that right ?
I've got to go to a meeting.|Can we reschedule for later ? We certainly can.
Good. How about Wednesday, 7:00 ?|Perfect. Wednesday at 7:00.
- Bring the formula.|- Yes.
Excuse me.|Where's your restroom ?|Down the hall, to the left.
Thank you.|You finished with this ?|Sure.
Whoo, whoo !
What the hell you looking at ?|Huh ? Oh !
Good God!|What ''good God'' ?|I went on the paper !
Genetic anomalies can occur...
in any living organism|through-- through--
Come on now, people.|Spontaneous mutation.
Now what is it that ourgenetic codes|can determine about us ?
Miss Tate ?|Uh, they can determine...
whether you have blue eyes|or pouty lips or a cute butt.
Stuff like that.|[Students Laughing]
Right, right, precisely.|Very good.
But what about random nucleotide|polymorphisms, Professor ?|Excellent question.
Random nucleotide|polymorphisms--
Random nucleotide|polymorphisms--
Random nucleotide--|[Clears Throat]
I ain't got a clue.
Who knows ? This could affect your coordination,|your neurologicalsystem.
- l mean, it could even affect your intelligence.|- What was I talking about ?
- Genetic anomalies.|- Yes, genetic anomalies. As I was saying--
Think you're|pretty smart, huh, Molly ?
Not gonna beat me again.|[Groans]
That makes five times|in a row now. Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a second ?|-Jason, yes, please, come in.
Look, l know you think you're feeling fine, |but l ran some more tests anyway.
- Really ?|- Yeah. |When you extracted Buddy,
somehow it altered the gene that regulates neurotransmitter|activity to the cerebral cortex.
Uh,Jason, all these big words are really perplexing to me.|Can you talk in plain English ?
You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I know.|I can feel it.
I can't even beat Molly,|and she's the dumbest hamster we got.
Jason, my presentation's|in two days.
Now what am I gonna do ?
Oh, mygoodness.|Buddy.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, how's it going there, Sherman ?|Yeah, Daddy, you startled me.
- What's that you got there, son ?|- The youth juice.
Um, um, my formula. I was wondering if I could|keep it here for safe keeping.
Oh, yeah, leave it in the refrigerator.|Ain't nobody gonna bother it.
You allright ?|You looka little strained.|What's going on ?
[ Stammering ]|Well, Daddy, you know,|I kinda got a lot on my mind.
Really, I do. I guess|I've been a little worried|about my presentation and all.
Worried about your presentation ? |You ain't got nothing to be worried about.
We gonna be watching you on TV, supporting you, |and you should be proud. We proud.
I know I'm proud. I tell you that. You ain't got|nothing to worried--
You're gonna be doing just great.|Ah !
I didn't hit you that hard.|Don't act like a little bitch.|By the way, Sherman,
how many people can say|that they raised a genius ?
l can.
Worried about his presentation ?|That's a good one there.
- Ooh, is this supposed to be that hard ?|- Yeah, let it set a while.
Don't worry if it burns a little bit.|That's natural.
All right, you the expert, Chantal.|Workyour magic, girl,
'cause Denise's motheris coming|to this bachelorette party,
and if she's as stunning as Denise,|l got to besparkling.
Honey, you gonna blind|their asses.
When you walk in that door,|they gonna think you're Tyra Banks.
[ Both Laughing ]|Oh, did l tell you the news ?
Leon got|one of them penis pumps.
Penis pumps ?|What'd he do with it ? Mm-hmm.
- Supposed to pump it up or something.|- Does it work ?
Just on the tip.|Now that thing look|like a portabello mushroom.
- [ Laughing ]|- Isaac all natural.
Soon as I walk in the room,|ten-hut.
You know,|l'm thinking about having|a little work done myself.
The other day,|I got out the shower,
and I bent down|to reach for a towel,
and I felt a sharp pain|in my chest.
Shot through my chest|and up around my back, down my spine.
I thought, ''Oh, Lord.''|I thought I was dying.|I bent over and looked,
and I was standing|on my own titty.
You ain't have to get|no breast reduction.|Just be more careful.
- Both feet too.|Both feet on it.|- [ Continues Laughing ]
All right, what the hell|you old hens cackling about ?|You ready to go ?
No, not quite.|I'll be ready in a minute.
She still got to set up a few more minutes.|Have some more wine, girl.
Ooh, girl,|I don't know if I should.|I already had two glasses.
Oh, go on, live a little.|Make your hair look better.
- Have mercy.|- Yeah,just like lfigured.
You sit up here all day,|getting sloshed and talking|about us men.
- Clesius, have you ever heard|the expression, ''mercy hump'' ?|- Say what ?
'Cause that's what you been|getting all these years--|mercy humps.
- Stop it.|- You out your goddamn mind. |Let me tell you something.
He ain't got nothing|but a limp doodle.|[ Laughing ]
- Gotta get ya.
Clesius !|Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
- Ah--|- You girls are crazy. I'm leaving.
Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait !|Clesius ! Oh, Clesius !|I don't believe it.
Clesius, I only told her 'cause|she got so much experience in sexual matters.
I ain't nothing but a big|damn joke to you, ain't I ?|Tell the whole world !
Her husband ain't nothing|but a big ol' pile|of worth less crap !
Clesius !|Clesius !
I'm just glad they're|back in town so you can|fii nally meet them.
I'm extremely nervous|because I really want to|make a good impression.
Sherman, there's no reason|foryou to be nervous.
My parents are very down-to-earth people,|and they're gonna love you.
I guess it's not like they're rocket scientists.|Well, actually, they are.
- Daddy!|- Sweetheart !
Great to see you.|You must be Sherman, the genius|who's marring my daughter.
I guess that's me.
They think I'm old.|They think I'm worn-out, huh ?|I'm gonna show all of'em.
Screw the golden years.|And here's to youth !
That's some nasty mess.
I don't feel no--|[ Gagging ]
Damn, that was|some nasty stuff !
Oh, I feel as strange as hell.|Oh ! Hey, get your ass--
Who the hell are you ?|Who you put--
It worked.|It worked !
Oh, what a beautiful bird.
Oh, Crackers has been|in our family|more than 50 years.
Hmm ? Fifty years.|He's older than I am.|[ Squawks ]
- Sherman, your fly. Your fly.|- Yeah, he can fly all over.
- No, no, no, zip your pants.|- [ Chuckling Nervously ]
Oh, my goodness.|Excuse me. I felt--|I felt a little breeze.
So, uh, genomic extractions.
But the whole concept|ofremoving faultygenes must|haveyou in an ethicalquandary..
[Flatulence]|[ Groaning ]|E-Excuse me. Ethical ?
Oh, yes, l don't know much|about "Ethicals", to be perfectly honest with you.
But the ''Quandar''--|I don't like the Japanese cars.
l don't like|the Ethical Quandary.
I'm a Volvo man myself.|Well, yeah.
- Oh !|- [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughs ]
Sherman is known as the leading expert|in genomic extractions.
Give us a little preview of the speech you're going to make|at the press conference.
- Say what now ?|- l know we would never be able to keep up,
but is there some way that you could explain it|in layman terms ?
Oh, you'd like me|to explain to you ?
Yes.|Well, I would love to.|I would be honored.
It's really quite simple.|This corn, for instance--
This piece ofcorn here|can represent a strand of DNA.
[Chuckling]|And these little--
the individual--|the bumpy things that go--
The Green Giant|calls them ''niblets.''|Uh, niblets.
These niblets represent each gene, |and they determine everything about you.
For instance, Mrs. Gaines,|let's say if a person was to have big titties, like you.
- [Denise]|Sherman !|- l'm sorry. Big titties.
No, breasts. Scratch it.|Get off you. On me.
- Now, I have a big ass. Never mind that.|- [ Fork Clatters ]
What we're attempting|to do here is to extract|the, uh, the bad, badgenes.
Extract that titty out.|Andass comes out.
And just leave|the good genes,
which is very simple|if you think about it.
Just ignore that.
Please ignore those.|Those are the badgenes.
What I'm really tring to do|is go deep, deep down|into the gene structure,
which oftentimes|is much more difficult.
Crackers !
Oh, goodness !
I'm-- I'm so--|so sorry about that.
My pants got caught in the thing|and they pulled it on out.
His wings istwitching a little bit,|so he's allright.
[CellPhone Rings]|Buddy Love.
Mr. Love. Leanne Guilford.|Yes, Miss Guilford. How are you ?
You forgotten we have|an appointment right now ?|I had a hard time getting a cab.
- I'm on my way.|- I'll wait for a few more minutes and then I'm leaving.
Very good.|I'll see you soon.|All right.
Yes !
Whoo !|This isgreat!
Sir, uh,|please don't do that.|It's kind ofdangerous.
You work here ! Work here !|[ Barking ]
Dynamite !
Yeah ! Whoo !
Hey, let me have a seven and seven.|Coming up.
You about the fii nest-looking|thing I seen in a long time.
Well, thank you very much.|You pretty damn foxy yourself, baby.
A lot of young men|are intimidated by an older woman.
Is that right ?|Well, let me tell you something.
You look pretty damn young|to me. In fact, let me|tell you something, baby.
You just about the--|You--
Yeah, you look good.|Pretty fine.|Foxy fine and young.
Excuse me one second.|Yes, yes, yes.
- Get away from my woman.|- Mind your own business, Willie.
- What ?|- It's over between us. He just won't accept it.
Willie, she said it's over between y'all. Besides,|you getting the wrong idea.
Outside. Outside.|I'm tired of this shit.|Say what ? Who you pushing?
Not again, Willie.|Willie, what's wrong with you ?
All right, enough is enough !|This is going too damn far !
You gonna make me have to put my foot in your ass.|I'm gonna tell you straight up.
I don't wanna have|to hurt you, Pops !|Pops ? I'll ''pop'' your ass.
Would you please put|your clothes back on ?
You'll hurt yourself.|You look like a roast chicken.
That was a lucky shot.
- Okay, that's it.|- Come on, fool.|Get your ass up. Come on.
You're crazy.|[ Martial Arts Cr ]
What the hell is this ?|Am I supposed to believe that you know ''bujitsu'' ?
Sayonara, sucker.
All right.
Meter reads 3.90.|Here's 4.00. Keep the dime.|Jerk.
Ah, the lovely Miss Guilford.|Where you on your way to ?
- Home.|- Home ? What do you mean ?|We got business to talk.
All you seem to be is talk. I'm starting to think|you don't even have a formula.
Oh--|We're gonna stick with Klump.
Stick with Klump ? I just got off the phone |with my research people in Langley, Virginia.
They're working out all the minorkinks. We gonna|have a formula any moment now.
Hey ! Klump's formula sucks !
All right, little man.
I've been|real patient.
- I told you I'd mess you up.|- [ Rumbling ]
Oh, you scared now, huh ?|Bring your little butt back here.
I'm tired ofyour--
He done loosen|my tooth too.
So that's where|Sherman's been hiding it.
Big-ass City.
Clesius. Clesius.|Lord have mercy.|What have you been all evening ?
I've been so worried.|Wait. Don't turn on the light.
- Leave the light out.|- Oh, Clesius, I'm so sorry|about what happened tonight.
Yeah, well-- Anna,
you remember|when we first met ?
Ofcourse I remember.|Back at the state fair. Why ?
Yeah, the state fair.|You was working the cotton candy.
Standing looking like an angel.|Had that pink sugar|swirling all around you.
I turned to my brother,|and I said three words,
''Mighty fine.''
You must've ate 16 cotton candies|that night, Clesius.
Yeah, well,|I was interested.
I was interested.|I was damn interested.
Closeyoureyes, Anna.|l got a little surprise for you.
Oh, Clesius.|[ Chuckling ]
Oh !
Here lam. l'm ready,|andl'm waiting.
- Oh, that some nasty stuff.|- Okay, what you got for me ?
It wouldn't be|a surprise if I told you.
Oh, you always been|such a sexy devil.
Oh, Clesius,|l'm on fire.
Oh, Clesius !|Hurr, Clesius.
Hurr, Clesius !
Hurry, Clesius.|Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.
Yeah, yeah.|l've been waiting so long.
Clesius, l'm on fire.|I know you've been waiting, baby.
- Oh, Clesius, this is so romantic.|- Yeah, Clesius here now.
I'm on fire.|Anna Pearl,|Anna Pearl.
Yeah,|I'm gonna put your fire out.
- [ Screaming ]|- It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Anna, it's me.|It's me. It's Clesius.|I'm just young again.
Oh, Lord, Clesius,|what have you done|to yourself?
I took some of Sherman's youth juice,|and it's incredible.
I got enough|for both of us too.
Damn. Don't worry about it.|I got some more in the garage.|I'm not taking that mess.
I don't want|no magic formula.
- What's wrong with you, woman ?|Don't you wanna be young ?|- No, I don't wanna be young.
Clesius, we're supposed|to be who we are, andl'm|just fine with who lam.
But, obviously,|what you're tring to say|is that you'rejust tired...
of the fat, old woman that you got married to.|Oh, no, Anna.
That's not what I'm saying.|That ain't what I'm saying at all.
Downstairs. I think you|better sleep downstairs.|Anna, please, no, baby.
- But I was just--|- Downstairs, Clesius.|I don't wanna hear it.
Oh, Clesius, I'm so|disappointed in you.
I just feel so|god-awful terrible about|what happened to Crackers.
Imagine what your parents|must think about me.
Sherman, you were acting|really strange tonight.
Yeah, I know, 'cause,|um, I drank that wine,
and I had cold medicine|early on.
And mixing cold medicine|and wine-- that don't mix.
Well, cold medicine|or not,
I'm really worried|about you.
And I really think you|should get a checkup.
All right. I will.|Yeah, I will.
Okay. Go home|and get some rest,
and first thing in the morning,|I'll make an appointment to get a checkup.
Good.|See you tomorrow.|See you tomorrow.
- Sorry about Crackers. I'm sorry. Okay ?|- Okay. Okay.
Pervert.|''Beef in your taco.''
- I'm a pony ! I'm a pony !|- Mommy, I'm scared.
Nowback|to the midnight movie.
A huge asteroid, approximately|1,000 square miles in size,
is still on|a collision course with Earth.
Wellman College Professor|Sherman Klump...
is attempting to plant|a nuclear explosive device|deep within the asteroid core,
which, if effective,|will destroy it.
Houston, come in.|This is Professor Klump on the asteroid's surface.
We read you, Professor.|What's your status ?
We've done dug the hole|and planted the nukes.
Good. Then get back|in your shuttle and get|the hell out of there...
so you can blow|that rock to bits.
Sherman, you've got 30 seconds|before that asteroid hits. Better hurry.
The world's counting on it.
Fifteen seconds.|Sherman, start the detonation sequence now.
Hello, Houston.|We got a big-assproblem.
Sherman, you've|got to blow up the asteroid.|Press that button !
I... can't... reach it.|[Man's Voice]|Sherman.
Sherman, I am your father.|Search your feelings, Sherman.
There's a force deep down inside you. Use it.|Use your force, Sherman.
Of course.
Ah, yes. [ Coughing ]|The force is strong with you, my son.
- [ Continues Coughing ]|Goddamn.|- What the hell was that noise ?
Whew ! I think something|crawled up your force|and died, Sherman.
Ten seconds to impact.|My God !
He didn 't plant those charges|on the asteroid. Then where did he plant them ?
Good-bye, Mr. Asteroid.
[Chuckling]|This is gonna be good. Yeah.
Wait a minute.|Did l land on the wrong--|Oh, shit.
Oh, no. I done blowed up|the wrong one.
Good-bye, Sherman.
Denise, please don't--|It was an accident. Denise--
l'm sure it'l l just make|a little splash in the ocean.|That's all.
See,just a little, tiny--
Oh, that ain 't tiny|at all, is it ?
I am an idiot.
Oh, thank you, Granny, so much.|You are too sweet.
Yeah, that's a little special present|for your wedding night.
Oh, fabulous.|Romantic and fabulous.
Oh, Mama !
Ooh !
Thank you, Granny.|Maybe something l wouldn't have|chosen for myself. Thank you.
Well, I didn't choose it for you, baby.|I got it for Sherman.
He's gonna be the one that's gonna appreciate|the hell out of it, trust me.
Girls, l got tago check on|the rest of my surprise.|Y'all excuse me fora moment.
Girls, lsawthe most|fabulousgame the otherday.|lt's calledBachelorette Bingo.
Let'splay.|Oh, this is so fabulous !
This is Miss Ida Mae Jensen.|I'm calling to confirm a male stripper fantasy,
the Muy Caliente|Vida Loca special.
Yeah, that's right.|Well, where they at ?|We all ready here. Now--
Oh, never mind.
lsee him|overhere now. Okay.
Yes, we will enjoy.|Thankyou.
Now, that's what l call|the Muy Caliente...
El Negro special.
Mmm-mmm !
- Hey.
Well, hello there,|stripper man.
Now, you know, lordered|the special, and you supposed|to be dressed as a fireman.
Stripperman ?|Oh, stripper--|Oh, yes, stripperman.
Well, I, um--|I decided not to do|my fii reman dance tonight,
because last time I did it,|things got so heated up,|kind of scorched my suit.
So I decided to do|my cat burglar dance. And|I slip through the back door...
and I'm kind of poking around,|'cause I'm a method stripper...
and I want to get the right frame of mind so I can|give y'all some good stripping.
- You know, work it for you.|- You know, you look just|like Ken Norton in Mandingo.
Oh, really ?|Oh, Ken Norton-- Oh, Mandingo.|Ken Norton. Really ?
I guess this is the closest|I'm gonna ever get|to Ken Norton.
Well, thank you so much.|Thank you. Thank you.
Well, thank you so much.|Thank you. Thank you.
I wonder if you could|give me a little private dance.
Oh, okay.|You want a private--|You wanna slow down ?
Stop, stop, stop !|I'm gonna need|some space here.
You want a private dance.|Okay, I can do that.
But first, um, I'm so thirsty.|I got a craving for some--|for some red fruit punch.
Red fruit punch ?|I ain't seen none|in the house, boy.
But today I seen some|out in the Frigidaire,|out in the garage.
Oh, there may be|some in the garage ?|Well, after I quench my thirst,
I'm gonna come|give you a dance.|Ow !
I'll be moving like this.|You like that, don't you ?|Yeah, that's like Soul Train.
That's la vida loca.|Make this face here|like I'm tearing it up.
Oh, good Lord.|Oh, my precious Lord.|You like that ?
Don't move now.|I ain't going nowhere. I'll be|right here for the Soul Train.
- I'll be right back.|- For the Soul Train !
I'll be right back.|[DoorbellRinging]
Oh, my goodness,|is there a fii re ?
Yes, ma'am,|I'm afraid there is.|I don't|smell no smoke. [ Sniffii ng ]
and it's getting|muy caliente!
Oh, Lord, have mercy !|A strip-- Oh, my !
My mother must've|arranged this.
Where are you ? Oop--
Oh, bingo ! Bingo.
Chunky Butt, thank you so much|for making this easy.
I thought this was|gonna be diffiicult.
Chunky Butt made this|a nice, easy task forme.
Yes, yes, yes.
Perfect. Now I gotta find|something to cut this with.
Maybe a little|fertilizer or something.
Oh, this is gonna|be perfect, Chunky Butt.
I think this will help spruce up your presentation|quite a bit.
[Anna]|Oh, Lord!
I didn't know there was|gonna be a stripper.
I didn't know there was|gonna be a stripper.
Mama ! Mama !|[Women Screaming]
Oh, we gonna have|the whole room|smelling like ass.
Shake it, shake.|And it's like|I was never here.
Oh ! Oh !
Hey ! You scared me just now.|I thought you was a monster.
Mmm-mmm !|What areyou--
- Hey, what--|- Stripper man, stripper man.
- You're not supposed to be out here.|- This must be your lucky night.
- You're supposed to be in the house.|- I'm fiittin' to teach you...
- ever trick I know.|- [ Gulps ]
- l seen the way you logging me inside.|- No, no, no, no.
[ With Deep Voice ]|I'm logging you too.
- Oh !|- Oh ! Oh ! Oh !
- Oh, stripper man.|- [ Yelling ]
- Oh, I feel so vulnerable.|- [ Retches ]
Come on.|Let's get it on right now,|right here, right now.
Oh, stripper.|Wait. Just calm--|Relax a second.
Now, listen.|We gonna get it on.|But not out here.
You don't wanna get it on|out here, do you, in this|nasty, stink garage ?
Let's go in the house|in a warm bed where I can|give you the shimmy.
I'll meet you in your room.|I ain't falling|for that trick.
I'm gonna get that knot|out your back.
You gonna have togive me|a little sugar right now, or l'll scream.
No, no, don't scream.|Don't scream.
No, no, no. Shh, shh.|Wait, wait, wait. l'll give you a little kiss.
A little peck on the cheek.|Meet you up in the room.|Ain't gonna hurt nobody.
You're so cute.|Come here.|l want a little sugar.
Oh, God !
Oh, Ken Norton !
Folks, we want toget everybody|into the presentation,
so please have|your press credentials ready.
Well, if it isn't ol' Chunky Butt.|Buddy, what are you doing here ?
I just came down for your|big presentation. You're|not nervous, are you ?
No, I ain't nervous.|''No, I ain't.''|''No, I ain't.''
That's interesting.|Starting to sound|kind of ignorant.
But don't worry.|If this professor thing don't work out,
there's always room for another brother|down at the car wash.
They could put a big|beach towel on your ass,
and you can stand|in the doorway as the cars come out...
and dry 'em|a side at a time.
That's your future.|Buddy, I notice since the split-up...
that, uh, I ain't really--|I haven't really felt|like myself.
I was wondering if you've been|experiencing any changes.
Not at all. I feel great. Never|felt better in my life.
Business is really starting|to look up for me, Sherm.|[CatShrieks]
Hey, you betterrun !|Come here !
Come here, pussy !|You're a pussy !|That's what you are.
l'll killyou!|l'll killyou!|Come here, you pussy!
Sherman coming on in a minute.
Well, what channel's|Sherman gonna come on ? Anybody know ?
Have some of these brownies.|They're still warm. |Don't drop 'em on my floor now.
All right, everbody. Sherman|getting ready to come on TV now.|Everbody gather around.
You know,|fame is gonna pass.
And the only thing|that's permanent|is family.
Ain't that right, Daddy ?|Oh, shit ! Get your ass out that chair !
How many times, Ernest,|I gotta tell you to stay out my damn chair ?|Aw, man.
You work on them cars all day|gonna put the grease all in my|chair, smear the grease there.
Gotta sit on this grease.|My gray pants still got grease|all over 'em 'cause ofyou.
You happy ? You got your chair. Enjoy.|Stay out my damn chair.
Ernest, will you please tell|your father to be quiet ?|Sherman's coming on.
- What channel Sherman come on ?|- Tell me what she just said,
- I'll come over there and whup your ass.|- [Applause On TV]
That's the channel.|Watch the damn TV.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen|for coming out. My name is Professor Sherman Klump.
I'm a professor here|at Wellman College.
- Ooh !|[ Clapping ]|- Look at him.
-Joe College.|- Look how dashing he look.|He lookjust like Billy Dee.
- Boy look handsome.|- Billy Dee ! Billy Dee !|Billy Dee ! Billy Dee !
- Billy Dee Klump.|- As you all know,
Ponce de Leon searched his entire life|for the Fountain ofYouth.
And today we will|complete his journey.
So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,|l'dlike to present to you all,
uh, the Wellman College|youth formula.
- Maybe I need|to take some ofthat.|- It don't cure ugly.
- Does Clesius|know I'm strapped ?
- Well, come on. Shoot.|Come on. Shoot.|- I'm strapped, nigga.
- Tell him. I'm strapped.|- And ifyou miss, I'm gonna finish you off.
If you don't have|anything nice to say,|don't say nothing at all.
- Well, she messin' with me.|- Stop the violence.|Stop the violence.
And don't say nothing.|I'm tring to watch Sherman.
Okay, cool, cool.
Boy, would I like to throw|some hot grease on you.
This is Molly.|Molly is a one-year-old,|and Petey is four.
Petey is our candidate for|genetic ''transmografiication.''
Petey here--|Petey is ourcandidate|forgenetic "transmofilectesy. "
Genetic ''transgromanation.''
The "youthification--"|That ain't a word.
Howcome Uncle Sherman's|talking funny ?
- He's starting to sound like you, Dad.|- He don't sound right, do he ?
What do you mean, ''sound like me'' ? What's that ?|Sherman up in a ivor tower...
just 'cause|he went to college.
I could've gone to college|if I took that damn...
elastic ''appitude'' test.
Hey, shut up.|What the hell's wrong with Sherman ?
You be breaking me down|in front of my seed on the regular.
The reason we, uh-- he--|We gonna make him young.
So I say, um,|let's get it on !
I'm gonna just give|a drop ofthis to Petey.
We watch and see|what happens.
- Isaac, you watching that ?|- Hey, that ain't right.
- Hamsters will be hamsters, huh ?|- Oh !
- What in blazes--|- Oh !|- Look at that !
- That's cool.|That's real cool.|- Look at that !
Petey !|Down, boy !
- Petey !|- Shoot him ! Shoot him !
No, no. No. Please,|l'm not that kindof--
Oh, my God. l have to turn|the channel. l don't want my babyseeing that.
- That man ain't never gonna be right again.|- Oh !
- Somebody need to take Isaac's pressure.|- Oh, what's wrong with this ?
- Something like that will ruin a man.|- Coverthe baby's eyes.
That's too much excitement for my baby.|Turn the channel.
- I can't even turn.|- That's nasty.|- That's what that is.
[Anna] Turn the baby's eyes.|And he don't need to know what it is, Mama.
Now, was that|supposed to happen ?
[Buddy]|lt's the lovely Miss Guilford.|Mr. Love.
What a wonderful day|we're having, huh ?
Why am I not surprised|to see you here ?
Well, I figured since it|turns out that Professor Klump|ain't your man after all,
you might wanna talk|a deal.
All right.|Have your formula ready|for presentation on Friday.
Friday it is.
See you Friday.|Lovely dress.|Mm-hmm.
I'll wear|something sharp.
Oh, Dean. I'm just tring to figure out|what went wrong here.
I just don't understand.|It must've been some sort|of contaminant or something.
The deal with Phleer is off.|I just spoke to|Leanne Guilford.
But that|doesn 't botherme.
After all,|what's $150 million ?
Oh ! Dean Richmond,|I am so sorry.
I'm really tring to get to the bottom of this, because|this was not supposed to happen.
No, that's not|what bothers me.
Deals will come|and deals will go.
Wellman...|will always be Wellman.
But I'll tell you|what does bother me.
On the way over here,|a cute little boy|pointed at me and said,
''Oh, look, Mommy, there|goes the hamster's bitch !''
Uh--|[ Clears Throat ]|Dean, whatever it's worth,
Petey is back to normal|and feelingjust fine.|Oh, yeah ?
- Do you think he'll call ?|- [ Clears Throat ]
Dean, I just want to tell you,|I'm-- I'm sorry.|Stop... speaking !
I just want to go on record as saying that--|[ Muttering ]
Shh, shh, shh.|Shh, shh, shh.
I've been looking forward|to saying something to you|for 12 years.
And here it is.
You're fat !|[ Chuckles ]
- And dumb.|- [DoorOpens]
And fired.
It's not your fault.
I ain't never--
I'm never gonna be the same again, am I ?
I'm afraid not.
Since you've separated|brain cells have been damaged.
your speech and memory--
l know.|l'll be a total idiot.
Don't you think it's|time you told Denise ?
Oh, no, Jason.|I can't do that.
How can I tell her|I'm losing the very thing...
that made her fall in love|with me in the first place ?
Hi.|Sherman, what are you doing here ?
How you doing ?|Your mama told me I might be able to find you here.
I've been looking all over|the place for you. I've been|leaving messages everwhere.
I went by your place.|Yeah, well, I had|a lot on my mind.
You know, I walk around,|going around, getting time to think.
I wonder if I can talk|to you about something.
Look, I know you're upset|about what happened.
But we can get right back|to work with the youth formula,
and I think the problem--|No, not science.
Denise, I'm not--|This isn't about science.|We can start completely over.
We can find another university.|After the wedding, we can even--
That's what I'm talking|about-- the wedding.
Denise, I don't think|there's going to be a wedding.
Well, not--|not right away anyway.
I mean, my head's just kind|of messed up right now,
and I don't think it'd be fair to you.
What ?
I made a mistake.
And I have to work that mistake out.|I have to live with that.
Me, not you. See, you're so pretty,|and you're so smart.
You just got your whole life|ahead of you.
I just don't want to mess things up|foryou. I'm--
I'm sorry, Denise.
I think|I'd better get going.
[Clesius]|You allright ?
Oh, l just don't|understand, Clesius.
And he won't tell me why.
Anna, listen.|Sometimes a man do some|crazy things, you know ?
Oh !
Not that he's tring to hurt|nobody. He's not tring to|tell you he don't love you.
It's just--
Sometimes you get kind of confused,|you know ?
You hear|what I'm saying ?
Yes, Clesius,|I hear what you're saying.|[ Sniffles ]
[ Sobbing ]|I'll talk to the boy.
Everthing|was so fabulous.
You cut out|that cring now.|It's all right.
Stop all that crying.|Go clean your nose up.
Go wash your hands.|Snot all over the place|looking nasty as hell.
What's this on me ? Goddamn,|look what you put on me, Anna.|What's this on me for ?
Yeah, you know|something, Sherman ?
The very first building|I ever worked on was|on this site right here.
Yep.|Isn't that something ?|It was a baker.
Yeah.|Tore it down two years ago.
Thirty-fiive years later,|I wind up working on the thing,
building it up all over again;|ain't that something ?
I expected the building|I worked on was permanent.
But I was wrong,|'cause it ain't.
That's not permanent.|You know what's permanent, Sherman ?
You know what's permanent ?|I'm gonna tell you.
What me and your mama got.|That's permanent.
That ain't going no place.|You know what I mean ?
If you get you a woman that really,|really loves you,
you've got to hold on|to that, Sherman.
Yeah, that's true, Daddy.|Yeah, I knows I sure do love Denise.
Well, then y'all gotta|get back together then.
Get back together ?|Daddy, that's it. Yeah.
Get back together.|If we get back together,|that'll make everthing okay.
Dynamite. Go call the girl.|Say what ?|Not Denise. Buddy.
Me and Buddy get back together,|that'll make everthing fine between me and Denise.
Hey, you just took|the wrong off-ramp.
I can use the youth formula.|I'll feed it to Buddy.|It'll make him so young.
I'll turn him back into Goop.|And I ingest-- I eat it !|I eat it !|Huh ?
That's it.|Daddy, that'll work.
I wouldn't have even|thought about that.
This is fantastic !|What are you gonna eat ?
Sherman ! Damn !
Hello, Sherman.|l heard you were here.
Give me a minute, Dean,|and I'll be on my way.|Trespass all you like.
- It goes so well in court with grand theft.|- I beg your pardon.
You're tring to sell the youth formula|under a different identity.
Who do you think you are ?|Dean, you just don't|understand, really.
That's always possible.|Then help me out if|you don't mind. Explain it.
Why is Buddy Love|meeting with Phleer ?
Oh, my goodness.|I gotta hurry up.|Not so fast, pal.
I'm not letting you|out of my sight until both|our names are on that contract.
I'm going to be stuck on you|like a giant hamster on my a--
Where you go, I go. I have no time to stand|here and argue with you.
Ifyou wanna come along, |I'll explain it to you on the way.
Ladies and gentlemen|and distinguished guests,|it is showtime.
Now I'd like to present|to you exhibit ''A.''
His name is Zeke,|and it is ver clear...
that Zeke has been getting|his ass whipped by Father Time|for many, many years.
Oh, my God, Sherman.
Sherman ! Sherman !|Sherman !
- Hey, hey, hey, Denise.|- Thank God.
What the hell's going on ?|Papa Klump, have you seen Sherman ?
He's in trouble.|Oh, tell me about it.
First the boy acting crazy and|called off the wedding. Then he|talking about eating some guy.
I don't know if it's something I need|to talk to the boy about.
Wait. Eating somebody ?|Yeah, he said he's gonna eat some man.
Of course. Buddy.
Yeah, that's the guy.|What's going on between the three of y'all ?
- What's this, a kind of menage a trois ?|- I know where Sherman is.
Ladies and gentlemen, if Zeke dropped dead right now,|who would care ?
- I would.|- My point exactly.
Exactly. That no person,|no matter who they are,
no matter how hopelessly|disgusting their case may be,
should be left|without a second chance.
Andthat is why l wouldlike|to introduce... New You,
a fully copyrighted product|being offered to you...
by the good people|of Love Enterprises.
Now, if you'd be so kind,|Zeke, would you drink this up, please ?
It's kind|of like Mogen David, but fruitier.
Wait !|l'm sorry to interrupt,|ladies and gentlemen !
But I cannot go on living unless |I have this man inside me right now.
- Steady, sailor.|- What the hell is going on here ?
Well, if it isn't Professor|Sherman Klump, the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster.
- Please !|- Buddy, I am sick and I am tired...
of your s-h--|[Richmond] |"l. "
Thank you. T-E.
My shite ? Oh, really ?|Well, what you gonna do about it, Shamu ?
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.|- I don't have no time to play no games with your ass.
- You got time to play a little catch, don't you ?|- Oh, you bastard.
- Aw !
Buddy, Buddy. Buddy.
Get it, Buddy. Buddy !
Na, na, na, na.|Hey, Buddy. Fetch.
Aach !
What the hell is that ?
Who's dumb now ?
Oh, Sherman.|Oh, you sneaky|son ofa bitch.
Oh, Sherman !
Oh, no !
Oh, shit !|Uh-- ah-- ah--|Everbody calm down.
This is a part of the demonstration.|Just calm-- Relax.
Everything's undercontrol.|What the hell are you looking at ?
This is an impressive package for a toddler.|All right, Mr. Toddler.
Nothing to see here, folks.|This mutant is about to dissolve into liquid,
and then the fat man is going|to suck him through a straw.
Sorry, Buddy.|l just want my life back.
You don't owe him any explan-- What ?|Come here.
Oh, you rotten|son of a-- Oh !
- I'm hit ! I'm hit !|- Forget it, fat ass.
I ain't going back|inside of you. Mmm. Got milk ?
Thank you, baby.
He's getting away.
Dean, I want that formula. Bring me the man who made it.|I'm ready to make a deal.
Hmm ? Right.
I'm naked ! I'm naked !|I'm naked ! I'm naked !|I'm naked !
- There he is.|- What the hell is happening ?
What the hell|was that ?|Buddy.
All right, that's it.|Slow the car down !|Slow down !
We can't help Sherman|wrapped around no light pole.
We've got to get to him.|He and Buddy have to be|combined immediately.
Where's the little snot now ?
- What the hell|are you looking at ?|- [Richmond] Come on.
What ? What ?
Don't feel right.|Starting to feel|a little light-headed.
If you quit now, you're|gonna be empty-headed.|Come on, Klump. Let's get him.
Get a hold of this, chubby.|[ Screams ]
Whoo !|You got a big ass !
- What ?|- Follow that ass.
Aw, hell.|Now, what's all of this ?
- Move out the way, damn it !|- Wait a minute.|I think I see him.
Oh, no. Don't even think about it.|Don't you do it.
Oh, you're doing it.
- Ow !|- Stop !
All right, tubby.
Let's see how long|you last without me.
What ? What ?|That's it ?
He's gone ?|Ah, I-I-- da-da--
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.|Oh, that's marvelous.
The deal is dead,|you know that ?
I've been calling you a moron for years.|Now you're finally--
I'll just get a cab.
- Ohhh, Sherman !|- I raised a genius.
- No one isperfect.|- l want to beperfect forher.|- Perfect ?
- About time you told Denise ?|- l checked the file.|- There's no future.
You will never learn to control him |till you accept the fact he is apart of you.
You okay ?
Gone-- he's all gone.|Buddy ?|He evaporated ?
Gone. And me no smart.|Never. No more.
Sherman, that's okay.|I mean, we'll figure something out.
There has to be something|that we can do.
I want to say|I'm-- I'm sorry.
I never--|I didn't want to hurt you.|You understand ?
I thought that if you knew|that Buddy was a part of me,
I thought that you|wouldn't have me then.
Sherman.|Now, hear me.
Hear me out now.
I should've had|more faith in you.
Should've had|more faith in myself.
But I--|Sherman.
Sherman, what's wrong ?|Sherman ?
- Can't you hear, son ?|- Sherman, look at me.
Who am I ?
Pretty lady.|Oh, honey.
Oh, that's nice.
- It's gonna be okay.|- Nice.
I'll take care of you.
Oh ! Come on.|Let's get the boy home.
Nice lady.
Come on.|Let'sget him home.|Come on.
Go home now.
Thank you.
Oh, look at the--|the pretty water.
Oh, my God.|lt's Buddy.
- His DNA burst into water molecules. Sherman, quick.|- What the hell ?
Drink this.|No. Dirty water.
No. Come on, honey.|You have to drink this.|Please.
Drink dirty water.|Look at me.|What's my name ?
Denise. You're Denise.|Oh, yes. Drink some more.
Denise. Come on.|Drink some more.
What's two times two ?|Two times two is four.
Four times four ?|Four times four|is fiif-- sixteen.
Sherman, yes.|Drink some more|before Buddy disperses.
Come on, boy.
What's your mama|middle name ?|[ Mumbling ]
Oh, hell, no.|That ain't it.
Get a lot now.|Get a lot.
That's enough.
Pearl.|He said Pearl !|He said Pearl !
Anna Pearl.|Sherman, what's the square|root of 2,000,602 ?
- That's a hard one.|- Four thousand,
41 4.426...
3855.|Oh, yes !
Oh, Sherman, yes !
Oh, fabulous ! Oh !
- Dynamite ! Dynamite !|- That's so lovely.
This go out to the new|Mr. and Ms. Sherman Klump.
- Hear ! Hear !|- Come on, ya'll.|Take it down.
Whoo !|Ernie, this mine.|This mine, Ernie.
Yes, indeed.|You surely are one in a million.
And I am finally|in charge, all right ? All the way in charge.
Sherman Klump in charge.
You know I saved Sherman's life.|Clesius Klump, stop all that bragging.
Come on. Dance with me. Excuse us.|I'll get right back at ya.
Okay, you guys,|you ready ?
You know what this means,|don't you ?
- [ Squeaking ]|- [Ernie] Piece of happiness|to call my own.
Anna Pearl, you are|looking foxy fii ne tonight.|Oh !
Yeah, you got me feeling like I'm|20 years old again.
Oh, Cle-- Ooh !
Ooh, Clesius,|is that your--
Mm-hmm.|You damn right.
Hercules, Hercules,|Hercules, Hercules !
I love you,Joe College !
Klump ?|[Clatters]
Aw, shit. The prop's|falling apart.
You get the heart pumping|with the red wine.
The better|the circulation.
Pumping heart, red wine.|One and one is two.|Powerful erection.
Powerful erection !
Oh !
Clesius !
You bitches|done ruined everthing.
I just told you, bitch !|I'm gonna kick your ass now !
I'm logging you too.
What have l done ?|What have l done ?|What have l done, O Lord ?
Hurry, Clesius.|Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.
Oh, Clesius.|Lord, hurry.
Clesius, my ''ariolas''|is gonna pop.
See you tomorrow.|See you tomorrow.
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