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Mallrats CD2

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I assure you tonight's program will go off without a hitch.
I hope so, for your sake. You picked a dangerous mall to host a game show in.
- I hear the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning. - If there is anything...
remotely resembling the kind of trouble you had at the Governor's Ball...
you're gonna be hosting the Lotto drawing on public access the rest of your career.
Gentlemen, please, trust me.
I have just taken the necessary precautions...
to ensure everything will go smoothly.
- [ Man ] Look out! - [ Crash ]
- Whoa, uh-- [ Stammering ] - [ Microphone Feeding Back ]
Noth-Nothin' to worry about. Nothin' to worry about. Sound test. Sound test.
I'll tell you what. Why don't, uh--
Why don't I meet you back here around show time, huh?
- [ Chuckling ] - [ Clears Throat ]
[ Sighs ]
- Somebody said you wanted to see me? - Quint.
I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter.
The two of you have been dating long enough...
for you to have slimed your way into her panties...
and I am sure you did just that at least once or twice in my own house...
probably while I was at home.
has a bright future.
She is an extremely...
intelligent and capable girl.
And I'm sure that one day she'll be even more successful than me.
[ Chuckles ] Maybe.
But you--
You, on the other hand...
have absolutely no ambition.
And no chance of making it in the real world.
My daughter... is too good for you.
You will never, ever, be with her. Hmm?
- [ Gagging ] - So, if there isn't anything else--
- Hey, fellas! - Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor.
Mr. Svening, how've you--
Damn! Would you feel that iron grip handshake. Like Burt Reynolds and shit.
So, what's goin' on here?
Oh, well, T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points.
Of which he does have many. Hey, look at that ring.
- What is that? - That is um... my Junior College class ring.
- Cum Laude, '69. - I hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69.
- [ Clicks Tongue ] - [ Both Laughing ]
Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.
- And if I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan. - [ Chuckles ]
- Uh, dark, uh, chocolate? - Yeah.
- No, oh, no. - Oh, come on!
- No, no, please, son. - Here you go.
[ Groans, Chuckles ] Thank you.
Mmm. Oh.
That's good. Good, good.
[ Smacking Lips ] Very nice.
[ Chuckles ] And, you know, being a man...
who believes in one good turn deserves another.
Hmm? I have something to offer...
- the both of you. - Really? What's that?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, well.
[ Laughing ]
- What is this? - I think they're called handcuffs.
Once I realized the both of you were in the mall together...
I decided to set up this little ambush...
to remove you and your...
sidekick here from the premises permanently.
Hey, why am I his sidekick? How do you know he's not my sidekick?
[ T.S. ] You're nothin' but a lot of talk in a badge.
Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob! Please!
- Hurry! - Did somebody call your name?
Um... Iook, I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here, okay.
Hey, anything for you, babe. It's your day.
- Thanks. - [ Pats Bottom ]
What you need is a fatty, boombatty blunt.
Then I guarantee you'd see a sailboat, an ocean...
and maybe some of them big-titted mermaids doin' some of that lesbian shit.
Look at me, you sloppy bitch!
- [ Panting ] - Dude, you are a mad chick magnet.
Uh... T.S., Brodie, security guards. [ Panting ]
Under arrest! They need help! Go!
[ Panting ]
Wow, a sailboat.
- Brenda? - Dick!
This is illegal. You can't arrest us for nothing.
Oh, all right. I believe when Mr. LaFours...
turns us over to the police, the bag of contraband he's found on our persons...
will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up for the duration of the show.
Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?
- [ Banging ] - [ Groans ]
Come, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod!
Snootchy bootchies. [ Laughing Hysterically ]
[ Both Groaning ]
- Vulcan nerve pinch? - That was close!
- What about that stink palm? He even licked his hand. - We gotta disappear.
They're gonna be looking for us.
Thank you, man. We owe you one.
- You wanna hide. I know just the place. - Let's just go!
-Don't I even get to wash my hand first? -Brodie!
What the shit are we gonna do?
[ Vibrating ]
Yeah. Come on, we're fucked. They're right behind us. Come on.
Yeah! Badass! Yeah!
Where do you get those wonderful toys?
[ T.S. ] This is where we're hiding out?
[ Brodie ] Hey, man, this is the dirt mall. Cops never come in here.
Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
- I never could figure out what you saw in this place. - Good buys. Great people.
Earthy aromas. Hey, Walt!
- [ Man ] Brodie. - They know me here.
- I wouldn't be too proud of that. - Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice.
Might have something to do with the fact that I've been defeated.
You're giving up? You? You used to be a stand-up guy. What happened to that guy?
The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "Iow class."
- That wasn't me, that was you. - Oh, yeah.
It wasn't her mother. It was her grandmother.
No wonder the bitch went down so fast. Hey!
These should have boards in them. All right. Bloody savage.
And that is one of your more admirably deplorable traits.
You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother...
or an entire senior citizens community for that matter.
Yeah, but only if they were really old.
Maybe I was deluded.
Or maybe you were right when you said if something stupid like that...
could trip up Brandi's feelings for me, that she's not into it.
You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man!
Haven't I made it clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
Half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.
Sometimes, yes, but on occasion you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out.
- I think this morning might have been one of those occasions. - You know what you need?
- Some sage-like advice. - You've given me enough for one day, thanks.
Not from me. From lvannah.
Who's lvannah?
- I can't even find the words. - Is that ingenuity or what?
- What does palm reading have to do with being topless? - Makes the news easier to take.
She could tell me I was gonna die in ten minutes, so long as she told me topless.
Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
What can I say? I love tits.
- What kind of people patronize this service? - People like us.
- You're not suggesting you-- - Come on! Don't be such a damned fundamentalist.
I've already reached my lowest today. This is where I draw the line.
- You used to like tits too. - Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy...
but why would I wanna pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery...
coupled with sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs?
[ Brodie ] Man, this place is something out of Octopussy.
[ Fake Gypsy Accent ] You've come for a glimpse at your future?
Amongst other things.
Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly.
If you have heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea...
or have a family history of stress-induced breakdowns...
Empire Entertainment recommend...
you do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained within.
You guys still in?
We're both healthy and strapping young men.
You give me 58 dollar, 60 cents.
[ Whispers ] What? You expect me to pay for this?
- I'm broke. I'll pay you back. - Oh, my God, I knew it!
- I can't believe you. I didn't even wanna do this. - You'll thank me later.
Thank you.
[ Sighs ] All right, gentlemen, free your mind.
- I'd like to free something. - "Fuckus."
That's what I was thinking.
- She said "focus." - Whatever.
[ Sighing ]
I sense a grave disturbance between you both.
A difficulty in affecting a resolution...
for a problem.
- Something hard. - I'm convinced.
- She's got the gift. - Try to contain yourself.
Look, Miss, I appreciate the effort. I'm sure you're good at whatever it is you do.
But my shallow friend isn't exactly interested in his future, so cut the theatrics.
[ Loses Accent ] What a relief.
I do so much better when I don't have to say things in character.
You don't have to say anything at all.
You paid. I should tell you something. But in order to do that...
I have to work completely...
[ Deep Sigh ]
Ahh. Ohh, yes.
Oh, I can definitely sense the problem here--
girl trouble.
Apparently, you're both on the outs...
with your respective steadies.
- Th-That's amazing. - That's disgusting!
Oh, you both feel the pains--
ow-- of loss.
But only one of you makes it vocal.
The other one... suffers silently.
- My God, you're right. - We gotta go.
Wait. How can this be resolved?
I would say...
yes, combine your efforts.
- That's what I see. - Let me tell you what I see.
- That's great. - Look, I don't buy her power. When's my birthday?
Between the first and last...
of October.
- Did you hear that? - Very haunting. Let's go.
Miss lvannah, why are you stuck here in this dirt mall?
How come you're not in some larger, upscale commercial setting?
You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.
Well, believe it or not, some people still frown on topless fortune telling.
And unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective.
- Really? - Well, it's the third nipple that does it.
Oh, you have a third nipple?
What are you talking about? It's as clear as day! Look at it!
You can stare at it. I don't mind.
- No. - Understanding is reached...
only after confrontation.
Of course! Miss lvannah, thank you.
I can't tell you how informative you've been. Thank you very much.
I can't tell you how informative you've been. Thank you very much.
- Don't ever lose that nipple. - I won't.
- Do you have-- - Any other extra body parts? No.
-Just curious. -You could double-check me, if you like.
- Really? Really. - Come on!
[ Sighs ]
Works every time.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna what? - Get on her father's game show.
Last time Svening had dope planted on us. What do you think he's going to do?
He can't touch us once the thing starts. It's a live feed.
- He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs. - It can't happen.
I'm gonna make it happen. Understanding is reached only after confrontation.
Brandi will respond to confrontation.
Aren't you the guy that broke up with Brandi Svening? [ Groans ]
What the hell is your problem? You're supposed to be the impetuous one!
- Why you fighting me? - I'm being rational.
- You're scared that you might wanna follow my lead and win Rene back. - Rene who?
Just do me a favor. Meet me by the stage once the show starts. I'm gonna need your help.
- Where're you going? - Shopping.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Dude, this looks like your mom.
I've been looking all over for you two.
- We're hiding. - In a bookstore?
- Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch. - I need your help.
- You two up for getting stoned? - Look who you're asking.
You, uh, looking at that couple inside?
Actually, I was just looking at this little pink number over here.
Oh, yeah, that's kinda nice.
- They look happy, don't they? - What, the bras?
No, the couple. They look happy.
I guess, as far as couples go.
You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spiderman I did.
When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping.
Of course, the Green Goblin showed up and pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place.
But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
- Aren't you-- - Oh. Stan Lee. Hi.
- What's up, boys? Youse guys on this show? - That's the rumor.
Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there, and being on TV...
- I'd be scared as hell if I were youse two. - Yeah?
What if you fuck up? Your friends and family watchin'.
I'd be piss-scared I'd get a boner or fuckin' fart or somethin'.
He's got a point, man. This is live. Anything could happen.
Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous.
There's only one thing that could take off that edge.
Make you feel relaxed as hell. Make you forget how many people are staring at you on TV.
And what's that?
Snootchy bootchy noochies.
The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards. Can his whole body stretch?
- Every part, like his-- - [ Chuckles ] I know what you mean.
We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.
I mean, what with the comic book code and all.
I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you. You're responsible for the greats.
- Let's do the list. Spiderman? - Guilty.
- The lncredible Hulk? - 'Fraid so.
- Oh, man, this is so cool. The X-Men? - Now that you mention it.
Shit, man, you are a god!
Hey, look at that couple. Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh?
What's with that? That's the second time you've commented on couples in love.
I like that sort of thing. Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie?
Had one. We just broke up.
The Thing! ls his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body?
[ Chuckles ] It's a superhero's secret. Tell me, Brodie.
- Why did you and your girlfriend break up? - She was a pain in the ass.
She wanted me to be this typical boyfriend guy.
- Said I was too into my own world of comics and all. - Yeah, I can relate.
There was a time when it was all about comics for me.
I had a girl, probably the same as yours.
She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics.
And, eventually, we broke up.
See? What did she know? Here you are now, a legend in the field.
- Probably had a slew of women since her. Am I right? - Oh, lots of women.
Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most.
Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.
- Damn, that's hot! - But I never forgot that girl.
- Did you ever get back together? - One day, I found out she got married.
I had blown it. I had, uh... missed my window.
No way. Well, what'd you do?
I went on with my life.
I created some special new superheroes.
They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets.
- How so? - Doctor Doom wears body armor...
-to conceal his own mangled form, right? -Yeah.
Okay. That was me beneath the armor.
The Hulk-- a normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next.
Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.
So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret.
Yeah. The girl that got away.
Look, do yourself a favor, Brodie.
Don't wait. Because all the money, all the women...
[ Chuckles ] even all the comic books in the world...
they can't substitute for that one person.
- I don't know. All the comics in the world? - Trust me, true believer.
- Well, good talking to you. - Keep up all the good work.
You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em.
- Hey, Stan. - Yeah?
- She really meant that much to you? - Brodie...
I'd give it all up-- all of it--
for just one more day with her.
Take care.
- Stan. - Hi.
- I think he bought it. - What kind of story'd you give him?
Oh, it was the Vulture's soliloquy, you know, from the Spiderman anniversary issue.
- "Love Be A Vulture Tonight." - [ Laughs ]
- I can't thank you enough. - Oh, forget it.
But, you know, I think you ought to get him some help.
He seems to be really hung up on superhero sex organs.
But he'll outgrow it. Okay.
I think I felt it move. Just kidding.
- I need your help. - With what?
- Let me borrow that tape of Shannon Hamilton. - Why?
- The future of my relationship depends on it. - It's at my house.
- Take T.S.'s car. The station wagon. - I don't have a license.
Just go! Still got that stage schematic?
I need you to wire something together for me.
[ Sniffs, Groans ]
- Jesus, what's with him? - I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling too well.
[ Straining ] But everything is fine. We're about to start.
Oh, you are in for something really special tonight, gentlemen.
I have lined up-- [ Gagging ]
- Excuse me! [ Vomiting ] - Oh, Jesus.
[ Groans ] Sorry.
I've lined up some really bright kids here.
And this promises to be a lot of fun.
- I'm sure you're gonna love it. - Shouldn't you be in bed or something?
No, no, I wouldn't miss this... for the world.
Go and make sure everybody is ready, and let's start, huh?
[ Sighs, Groans ] Uh, no, no, no, no.
# I smoke two joints in the morning #
How much did you smoke?
All it took was a fat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
- How much do I owe you? - My treat.
As long as you promise, next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay."
- Snootchy bootchies. - Let's hope there is a next time.
All right, I'm ready.
You're never gonna believe who I just met.
- What the hell happened to these two? - Power of the dark side.
Wait a minute, there's only two. There's supposed to be three. What happened to the third guy?
- I never saw a third guy. - [ Brodie ] Who's this asshole?
- What the hell happened to those guys? - They got lightheaded.
- You got that right. - Oh, so what? They gonna cancel the show?
- What do you care? - I'm supposed to be on it: Gill Hicks, suitor number 3.
We're gonna take their place. I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.
- Didn't Svening have you arrested? - Don't give him any shit!
Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svening?
Mr. Svening has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria. What happened to those two?
[ Jay ] Homeboys got a case of the mad munchies.
- Rowdy Roddy, isn't this the guy Svening had arrested? - Yes, it is.
All right, Quint. I don't know how you got back here, but I'm alerting Mr. Svening.
We'll postpone the start until we figure this out.
You called down the thunder. Well, now you got it. Security!
- Hey, Roddy. - What?
- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out. - Now hit him!
Somebody call security? What happened to those two?
They got stoned and knocked this guy out. He needs medical attention.
- That's not what-- Ow! - Have this guy removed. This show's about to start.
Look, dude, no more shit. Just go out there and woo, and nobody gets hurt!
When Tricia shows up here with the videotape, get it to Silent Bob.
I'm on it. Wait a sec. Where is that tubby bitch?
## [ Theme ]
Good evening, and welcome to Truth or Date.
One match made here ignites the fires of romance.
Hi. I'm Bob Summers, your host.
And tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors...
woos our beautiful, eligible suitor-ette.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for romance in the making...
as we introduce the suitors.
[ Vomiting ]
Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics.
- Say hi to Doug Paging. - [ Audience Applauding ]
Do it, Doug!
Our second suitor hails from Canisius College in Buffalo...
where he majors in Communications.
Say hi to Rob Feature.
Our final suitor goes to Rutgers...
where he majors in the fine arts and Greek mythology.
A nice welcome for Gill Hicks.
Pay attention, dick.
May the best man win. And now, ladies and gentlemen...
I would like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette...
from Monmouth State, where she majors in Astronomy and Earth Sciences...
a big welcome for the lovely Brandi Svening.
[ Audience Applauding ]
All right, everybody knows how the game is played.
Our lovely suitor-ette will ask a series of questions of our suitors...
and make her decision based on their answers.
Anything goes. Brandi, are you ready?
Uh, absolutely, Bob.
Then you may fire when ready.
Um-- [ Clears Throat ] Suitor number one.
If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?
[ Clears Throat ] Um, the kind you never dump your boyfriend in.
Okay. Suitor number two.
Can't you call me the "second suitor."
Suitor number two sounds like a bathroom code, you know?
Okay. Second suitor.
- If we were making whoopie-- - What's whoopie?
Oh, well, uh, if we were-- if we were being intimate--
- What, like fucking? - [ Audience Gasps ]
[ Laughs ] Yeah.
Yeah. If we were, uh-- What kind of noises would you make?
[ Grunting, Barking ]
I think that's personal. I don't think I should answer that.
- [ Audience Laughs ] - Okay.
Uh, suitor number three. What would our first date be like?
Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you'd wanna shop in...
and then we'd do lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.
And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fleidermaus.
And then I'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach...
where I'd pop on the radio...
and then we could slow dance 'til the sun came up.
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!
Look at you. You're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.
I should know. We can smell our own.
[ Audience Laughing ]
Suitor number one.
If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?
- When Jaws popped out of the water. - Excuse me?
I'd propose to you right now. I propose that you stop letting your father run your life...
be true to yourself and not give up on somebody you know has value.
And take off your socks when you make whoopie.
He hates it when you leave 'em on.
- What? - Hypothetically speaking.
Suitor number one, you-- you sound familiar.
- Like your conscience, maybe. - Look, lady, you don't know him, all right?
Now make with the questions.
[ Brandi ] Suitor number three.
Is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
- What's the funny guy doing with his hands? - I don't wanna know.
What the fuck is goin' on up there?
Definitely a jackhammer.
I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done, you're not the same as before.
- You're changed. - Where do you come up with this shit?
That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard.
I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
[ Chuckles ] Suitor number two, you have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Richard Dawson, just go back to your podium until it's time to play the Feud.
[ Audience Laughing ]
- Who'd you see me kiss? - Some dude backstage. He seemed unimpressed.
I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe; you heard how repulsed he sounded.
Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate monger?
- I don't hate gay people. - So you love them?
- Yes. I mean, no. - Textbook closet case. Self loather.
- Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality. - [ Laughs ]
- Brodie told me to give this to you. - Are you watching this shit?
- It's fucked up! - I don't wanna be here when that tape does what I think it's going to do.
Miss Suitor-ette, how 'bout you answer a question for me?
- Um, I don't think that-- - How strong are your convictions?
- What are you talking about? - How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us.
- Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh. - I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Because he's fat? You got something against fat people too?
[ Audience Laughs ]
Snootchy bootchies. Are you ready?
Uh, if I have a conviction, I stick to it.
- Were you ever in love? - Yes, as a matter of fact.
Oh, really? And what happened to your boyfriend?
Well, he, uh-- We broke up.
- Why? - [ Chuckles ] It just didn't work out.
- Were you unhappy? - Sometimes.
- Why? - T.S.?
Hey, what about the rest of us? Why don't you ask me a question?
- Suitor number two. - What about me?
- Aw, Gill, just shut the fuck up. - [ Audience Laughing ]
Second suitor. Would you ever make whoopie in public?
I already did once today. [ Clicks Tongue ]
But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story.
He was on a plane to New Mexico, when all of a sudden the hydraulics went.
The plane started spinning around, going out of control.
So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there.
So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start beating like mad.
So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom...
when all the sudden...
the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself.
It lands safely. And everyone puts their pieces or whatever away and deboard.
And nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
- Well, did he come or what? - Jesus Christ!
- There's just some things you don't talk about in public. - [ Audience Laughs ]
Second suitor. If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?
Wow, that's a great question. Tough one, though. What does one gage his response on?
Physical prowess? Keen detection skills?
The ability to banter well with super villains?
- How's your comic book collection, Brodie? - It's goin' good, but--
Oh, comics? What are you talking about?
I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids.
I knew it. Suitor number one, you just don't know when to quit, do you?
No. No. But you sure do. I thought you were in love.
I was in love. But I thought that I had a partner.
Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces when things didn't go his way.
- How so? - My father needed a contestant for his show, T.S.
- What was I supposed to do? - Maybe show a little backbone.
Show a little "backbone"? What did you do?
When I walked away, did you make any effort to repair that breach?
No, you ran off and cried on the shoulder of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.
"Boy Wonder"? I'm all man, lady!
So, you're here now and you're ruining my father's new show.
You're airing all our personal business on stage.
You've gone this far. Why don't you tell them the whole story?
There we were, mere hours away from spending an entire week together away from our family...
and she throws in the towel because her daddy says so.
The girl who was meant to be sitting in this chair died in a pool.
- [ Gasping ] - When I tried to explain this to him...
he was such an asshole about it, that even though it killed me to do it...
I broke up with him.
I've been crying all day. But what did he do?
He just goes on with his life. I mean, here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.
You put yourself on an auction block in front of a live studio audience!
- Do I get a chance to field any more questions? - [ T.S., Brandi ] No!
I think I should say something. I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor-ette, suitor number one has done nothing but pine over you all day...
trying to figure out a way to win you back.
And when this public opportunity to literally do that arose...
he pulled his shit together...
and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot!
I'm tired of this whole thing! You're both retarded for each other.
Why don't you forget about the shit that happened and do what you're supposed to?
I think the audience would agree with me there.
Well, ask her, you silly bastard.
Miss Suitor-ette, suitor number one loves you.
Has always loved you and will always love you.
He's only got one question that he'd like to ask.
Will you marry me?
Yes. [ Chuckles ]
[ Jay ] Snootchy bootchies, Brodie-nootchies!
- Are we set or what? - Good to go. [ Grunts ]
Oh, a sailboat.
[ Screaming ]
I think it's safe to say we've made our match.
These two lucky people will soon be winging their way to beautiful, sunny Florida...
for a week of theme parks, beaches, and a lot more from the look of it.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up for--
Not just yet, Pat Sajak. All right?
You. I believe you have something that belongs to me.
Yeah, what's that?
Not you, asshole.
The girl. You have my heart.
What can I say? I love the retard.
Well, wait a minute. I thought tonight, we're supposed to--
Hey, Hamilton.
Let's try to wrap this up. I promised her breakfast.
That's it. You're dead, mallrat.
I am gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
[ Crying ] Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.
Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way...
is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me today of a nefarious plan of his...
- to screw my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place. - [ Gill ] What?
Like the back of a Volkswagen?
And as he comes up here to--
Holy shit.
Well, without further ado, I'd like to present you with an accurate portrayal...
of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.
Now, Silent Bob.
I said now, Silent Bob!
[ Willam ] When, Lord?
When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?
Now! Now, now, now!
[ Screaming ]
Who's your favorite New Kid? [ Groaning ] Call me Joey.
Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose. That's it.
Ah, yeah, call me Donny. Come on.
Ah, girl. Yeah, please don't go, girl.
Goddamn, this is one wacky game show.
Hey, that girl's only 15.
Oh, 15? I thought she was 36.
Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
[ Creaking ]
[ Crash ]
Hey, you know, where you're going, they screw people in a very uncomfortable place.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Hey, hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody. - Come on. Just once?
- All right, but make it fast. - [ Groans ]
Would you have gone on vacation with the winner?
Well, what do you think?
I don't know. I think you would have.
But I would have sent you a postcard. [ Giggles ]
[ Crying ] What the hell is wrong with me?
So, if the tape was out of your reach, how the hell did you get it?
The Jedi mind trick. Holy shit! Motherfuckin' Yoda and shit.
Adventure. Excitement.
A Jedi craves not these things.
# I know where you hide #
# I drive by there often #
# I spy on the surface #
# And make with your friends #
# Heaven is harsh #
# Fire unfaithful ##
[ Sighs ] Did you see that shit? Do you call that romance?
I call that illegal.
- So what? - Well, I was just wondering if you're not busy tomorrow night--
[ Sighs ] Would you like to come over to my house for dinner and meet my mother?
I can't guarantee you she's gonna like you--
It was just a warm-up. Aw, please, please, come on.
- The show would always go smoother and be less racy. - The show was a piece of shit.
Unoriginal, uninspired. The only thing that saved it was this guy here.
Hi. I'm Bentley Garrison with the network. Me and Mason thought you were hysterical.
Hilarious. You got great presence, kid.
- Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show? - Yeah.
[ Gasps, Shrieks ] Him?
# Susanne #
# You're all that I've wanted of a girl #
# You're all that I need in the world #
# I'm your child Make me blush #
# Drive me wild, Susanne Ooo-ooo #
# You're all that I wanted #
# When I met you I was all alone #
# Cold and hungry crying on the phone #
## [ Continues ]
# You gave me the coat off your back, Susanne #
# You're all that I've wanted of a girl #
# You're all that I need in the world #
# I'm your child Make me blush #
# Drive me wild, Susanne Ooo-ooo #
- # You're all that I wanted # - Yeah?
# Even lzzy, Slash and Axl Rose #
# When I call You put 'em all on hold #
# And say to me that you'd do anything #
# And all I can do is say #
- # That I haven't much I can give you in return # - # ln return #
- # Only my heart and a promise not to turn # - # Never turn #
# I'll stick to you every day and every night #
- # Susanne # - # Susanne #
# I'm your man #
# Susanne #
# You're all that I wanted of a girl #
- # Oh, yeah # - # You're all that I need in the world #
# I'm your child Make me blush #
# Drive me wild, Susanne Whoo-ooo #
# You're all that I wanted #
# Of a girl #
# Yeah ##
# ln the company of morons #
# I swear they're unstoppable #
# You can't push They're pushin' back #
# Watchin' the shoppers race this track #
# And they got places to go so fast #
# First connect and then they pass #
# Never need to get up #
# Just sit and watch and laugh and dream #
# Don't walk, walk walk too fast #
# Like a trap you trap it all in your bags #
# Damaged goods and no, no receipt #
# No receipt #
# Lots of books and credit slips #
# Day-Glo patterns and old man trips #
# Sight of fall and inconvenience #
# Patience runs out of stock #
# Get time to oneself to make it right #
# To make it right #
# Don't walk, walk walk too fast #
# Try to trap you trap it all in your bags #
# Damaged goods and no, no receipt #
# No receipt #
# Don't walk, walk walk too fast #
# Try to trap you trap it all in your bags #
# Damaged goods and no, no receipt #
# No receipt #
# Don't walk, walk walk too fast #
# Try to trap you trap it all in your bags #
# Damaged goods and no, no receipt #
# No receipt #
# Lots of books and credit slips #
# Day-Glo patterns and old man trips #
# Sight of fall and inconvenience #
# Patience runs out of stock #
# Get time to oneself to make it right #
# To make it right #
# Don't walk, walk walk too fast #
# Try to trap you trap it all in your bags #
# Damaged goods and no, no receipt #
# No receipt ##
MASH 1970 CD1
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Marrying Kind The (George Cukor 1952)
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Martian Chronicles The 1980 CD1
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Marx Brothers - Horse Feathers (1932)
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Mask of Zorro
Masque of the Red Death The
Masques (Masks)
Massacre 1989
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Matango (Attack of the Mushroom People 1963)
Matchstick Men
Matrix Reloaded (2)
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Matrix Revolutions The CD1
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Matrix The
Maurice 1987
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May (Lucky McKee 2002)
McKenzie Break The 1970
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Me Myself I
Me Myself and Irene
Mean Creek 2004
Mean Girls
Meaning Of Life The (Monty Pythons) CD1
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Meet Joe Black
Meet The Parents
Mekhong Full Moon Party (2002)
Melody Time
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Men Behind the Sun
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Men in Tights
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Mentale La
Mentale La (The Code)
Mephisto CD1
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Mercury Rising
Message in a Bottle
Metroland 1997
Metropolis (anime)
Miami Tail A 2003
Michael Collins CD1
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Michael Jackson Moonwalker 1988
Michael Jordan To The Max 2000
Michel Vaillant CD1
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Michelangelo Antonioni - Blow up
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Middle of the Moment
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Midnight Clear A
Midnight Cowboy (1969)
Midnight Express 1978
Midnight Mass 2002
Midnight Run CD1
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Mighty Wind A
Milagro De P Tinto El
Milieu du monde Le (Alain Tanner 1974)
Millers Crossing 1990
Million Dollar Baby CD1
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Million Le 1931
Mimic 2
Minimal Stories 2002
Minority Report 2002
Miracle On 34th Street
Miracle Worker The
Mirror The 1997
Mishima A Life In Four Chapters DVDRip 1985 CD1
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Mission Cleopatra
Mission Impossible (1996)
Mission Impossible 2
Mission Mumbai
Mission The CD1
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Mission en Marbella
Mississippi Burning CD1
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Mississippi Mermaid 1969
Missouri Breaks The 1976
Mogambo CD1
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Mohabbatein CD1
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Mokey Business
Mole The CD1
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Molly Maguires The CD1
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Mommie Dearest (1981)
Mona Lisa Smile CD1
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Monanieba CD1
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Monella CD1
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Money Money Money (Claude Lelouch 1972) CD1
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Monkeybone - Special Edition
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Monthy Python - Life Of Brian
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Moonfleet 1955
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Moscow Does Not Believe In Tears CD1
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Mosquito Coast The CD1
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Most Terrible Time In My Life The (1994)
Mostly Martha
Mother India 1957 CD1
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Mother Kusters Goes To Heaven 1975
Mother Night 1996
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Mouse Hunt
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Muhammad - Legacy Of A Prophet CD1 2002
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Mujer mas fea del mundo La
Mummy Returns The - Collectors Edition (Widescreen)
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Murder In The First 1995
Murder Most Foul (1964)
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Muriels Wedding
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My Boss My Hero
My Bosss Daughter 2003
My Girlfriends Boyfriend (Eric Rohmer 1987)
My Life as a Dog 1985
My Life to Live
My Neighbors the Yamadas (Isao Takahata 1999) CD1
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My Son the Fanatic
My Tutor Friend (2003) CD1
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My Wife Is A Gangster 2
My Wife Is Gangster
Mystery Of Rampo