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Man Who Would Be King The

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l've come back.
Give me a drink, Brother Kipling.
Don't you know me?
No. l don't know you.
Who are you?
What can l do for you?
l told you. Give me a drink.
lt was all settled. Right here, in this office.
Danny and me signed the contract and you witnessed it.
...stood over there.
l stood there.
And Daniel stood here.
Peachy Taliaferro Carnehan.
Of course.
Keep looking at me. lt helps to keep my soul f rom flying off.
The same, and not the same, who sat beside you... a first-class carriage on the train to Marwar Junction...
...three summers and a thousand years ago.
Jodhpur, please.
All aboard!
May l?
Riding in this ashcart is like being kicked by a mule every 10 minutes!
Mr. Clutterbury Das.
Failed entrance examination, Calcutta University, 1863.
Writer of correspondence for the illiterate general public.
Shut up!
Thank you, sir.
-Out of the window, Babu! -Thank you, sir.
Outside, you inky-fingered thief!
-l hope you break your neck! -Thank you, sir.
-You might have killed him! -Serves him right if l had!
-We're not making five miles an hour. -But why?
-l caught him stealing your watch. -My watch?
l say, it is my watch!
l'm very much obliged to you, Mr...?
Carnehan. Former gunnery sergeant in Her Majesty's Forces.
Mine's Kipling.
-May l offer you a drink? -l don't mind if l do.
You've knocked about lndia a bit, l take it.
You can say that twice! On foot, on horseback and on camel.
-You don't look green, either. -l was born in lndia.
Great country, or was till bureaucrats took over and ruined everything.
-l hope you're not one of them! -No.
l didn't think so.
They usually have long noses for looking down at you.
And l've yet to have one of them offer me a drink!
-Glenlivet, 12 years old. -You've an educated taste.
l have an educated taste in whiskey, women, waistcoats and bills of fare.
But l've had few chances to ex ercise it.
Because them that governs make up laws... stop men like us f rom getting anywhere.
Whose loss is it? England's, of course!
lf we were unrestrained, she wouldn't get 70 millions in revenue... would be 700 millions! Right? -l quite agree, yes.
-Where are you heading for? -Jodhpur.
-Will you return on this line? -ln 10 days.
Can you make it eight? l have a message for a man...
...travelling through Marwar Junction on the 24th.
He expects to meet but l have urgent business.
l'm sorry, l can't help you there.
Supposing l was to ask you... a stranger going to the West to seek for that which was lost.
What would you say then?
l should answer, where do you come f rom?
From the East.
l am hoping that you will give my message on the square...
...for the sake of the widow's son.
-Which lodge do you hail f rom? -Travelling Lodge 3276, Fore and Fit.
The Queen's Own Royal Loyal Light lnfantry, Regimental District 329A.
-To whom is the message? -Daniel Dravot.
-Dravot. -A big man with long gray sideboards.
A great swell.
You'll find him in a first-class compartment.
Don't be af raid.
Slip the window down and say, '' Peachy's gone south for the week.''
-'' Peachy's gone south for the week.'' -Yes, and he'll tumble.
Well, l'll be getting off now before we reach the station.
By the way, Brother Carnehan....
l missed my watch in the station at Lahore...
...before boarding the train.
How was l to know you were a Mason?
What's this?
God's holy trousers! Tickets again?
ls your name Dravot, sir?
l'm to say that Peachy has gone south for the week.
He's gone south for the week.
Did he say l'd give anything for this? l won't.
-No, he didn't. -Then why did you do it?
For the sake of the widow's son.
-He said south, did he? -Yes.
Then that'll be Degumber.
Since you're Peachy's pal, l'll tell you.
We're gonna put the screw on the rajah for what he did to his mother-in-law.
Filled her with peppers and flogged her to death.
You mean you intend to blackmail him?
You wouldn't get out alive! lf they don't cut your throat, they'll poison you.
Both's been tried. Peachy and me don't kill easy!
The rajah's an independent ruler. He answers to nobody.
How will you put the screw on him?
By telling him we're correspondents for The Northern Star.
You can't! You can't do that!
Because l am the correspondent of The Northern Star!
-You what? -l'm the correspondent!
Eh? What did you say, brother?
As you know, we took them at the Degumber border... there's a question of jurisdiction.
But a charge of conspiracy to blackmail might be brought.
l didn't lay this information before you as a criminal prosecution.
Only to save their lives.
May l ask what particular interest you have in these scoundrels?
Well, they happen to be...
...Freemasons. Like myself.
Freemasons? Them? l'd think you'd strike them off your roll!
Oh, once a Mason, always a Mason.
Never could understand how pukka chaps like you can go about...
...wearing aprons and sashes and shaking hands with strangers.
What is Masonry, Kipling?
lt's an ancient order...
...dedicated to the brotherhood of man, under the eye of God.
We should have left that behind in England. lt can never work here.
There are tales that it did work here, before we came.
Some audacious scholars can trace it... the builders of Solomon's Temple.
-Old wives' tales, l suspect. -Yes, in all likelihood, sir.
Well, let's have a look at your lodge brothers.
Right turn.
Hats off!
You men are not under arrest...
...thanks to Mr. Kipling, who's a real correspondent for The Northern Star.
But both of you richly deserve to be in jail.
l have your records before me.
There's everything f rom smuggling to swindling...
...receiving stolen goods and barefaced blackmail!
l resent the accusation.
lt is blackmail to threaten to publish information.
What blackmail is there in accepting a retainer to keep it out?
How did you propose to do that?
Telling the editor what l know about his sister...
...and a certain government official.
Let him put that in his paper if he has need of news!
You should have gone home after your army service.
To what? A porter's uniform outside a restaurant?
Tips for closing cab doors on civilians and their blowzy women?
Not for us, after watching Af ghans take command...
-...when the officers had copped it! -Well said!
There may be no criminal charges, but l'll see these files reach Calcutta...
...with the advice you be deported as political undesirables.
Detriments to the empire and the raj.
Detriments you call us? Detriments?
Detriments like us built this bloody empire and the izzat of the raj!
Hats on!
About turn!
By the left, quick march!
Left turn!
There's no need to let any of this get into the Star, l take it, Kipling?
No, no, no.
My God! You two! What do you want this time?
-We want to ask you a favour. -Another favour?
Calm down, we've never taken advantage of a fellow in the craft.
We don't want money, just a little time...
...a look at a book or two, a study of your maps.
We'll take a drink, but if not, we won't mind.
Peachy is as sober as l am. lt's important you have no doubts.
So we'll take one of your cigars apiece, and you shall watch us...
...light up.
And now, sir...
...let me introduce you to Brother Peachy Carnehan, which is him...
...and Brother Daniel Dravot, which is l.
The less said about our jobs, the better. We've been most things.
We've been all over lndia. We know her cities, jungles, jails and passes.
We have decided she isn't big enough for us.
The commissioner said that.
We're going to another place...
...where a man isn't crowded and can come into his own.
We're not little men, so we're going away to be kings.
-Kings of Kafiristan. -Oh, Kafiristan.
We hear they have two and 30 idols there. So we'll be the 33rd and 34th.
lt's a place of warring tribes, meaning a land of opportunity...
...for such who can train and lead men in battle.
We'll go there and say to any chief we find:
''Want to vanquish your foes?'' He'll say, ''Of course, do it.''
We'll fight for him, make him king and then subvert him.
We'll seize his royal throne and loot the country.
How's that for a plan?
You're both out of your minds!
To start with...
...the only way to get there is through Af ghanistan.
Kafiristan? No, no, no.
Two white men would be cut to pieces five miles into the Khyber Pass.
Just suppose we managed it. Just suppose.
And suppose we got across the Af ghan plains, then what?
There's the Hindu Kush, a f rozen sea of peaks and glaciers.
A party of geographers tried several years ago and vanished into thin air.
No white man has ever been there and come out since Alexander.
Alexander who?
Alexander the Great, king of Greece. 300 years before Christ.
lf a Greek can do it, we can do it.
l can only repeat, you're a pair of lunatics!
Would a pair of lunatics draw up a contract like this?
''This contract between us, pursuing and witnesseth in the name of God.
One: We will settle this together, i.e., to be kings of Kafiristan.
Two: We will not, while this is being settled, look at liquor...
...or any woman, so as to get mix ed up with one or the other harmf ul.
Three: We act with dignity and discretion.
lf one is in trouble, the other stays by him. Signed by us this day.''
There's no need for the last article, but it's got a ring to it.
Now, you witness it and it's legal.
Well, gentlemen, it's 4 in the morning.
Don't stand on politeness. lf you want to go to bed, we won't steal anything.
Thank you.
We'll send word when we're ready to go, if you want to say goodbye.
Yes. Well, try not to burn the place down.
Here we are.
'' Kafiristan. 10, 000 square miles. Mountainous terrain.
Religion unknown. Population unknown.
Conquered by Alexander in 328 B.C.
According to Herodotus, he defeated King Oxyartes...
...whose daughter Roxanne he subsequently took to wife.''
You buy f rom me, l give you good price.
Very cheap, very nice things for you, especially for you, sir.
Our forward continuance is impeded by this fellow, who is begging... will accompany him that he may show you a rare and wonderf ul thing.
-What thing? -He would not say what thing.
Therefore, l suspect his bad intentions... entice you into a house of disreputation...
...where he will take you, kill you, murder you...
...cut your throat and rob the money f rom your pockets also.
-Wait at the office! -Sir, please!
Myself, l will take you to a loving house.
You will be very happy and delightf ul....
Morning to you, brother.
Glad you caught the performance. What do you think?
lt's convincing, but what are you rascals up to now?
Last week it was kings you were to be, of Kafiristan.
-We've gotta get there first. -Madness is a trick.
Who'd hurt some poor crazy priest and his servant?
Peachy worked this out. We've used it before.
He talks, while l act dumb.
l can clown pretty good now.
l can twitch to put the fear into any good Muslim.
l can f roth at the mouth. Want to see?
-l can imagine. -All right, some other time perhaps.
Come over here.
Give it a touch-up down here.
-Rifles? -Twenty Martinis, and ammunition.
Cost us every sou we got out of the rajah of Degumber.
Good heavens! You mean you went back there?
Of course, Brother Kipling.
God help you if you're caught with those!
Gunrunning isn't exactly new to us.
Well, Brother Kipling, goodbye and many thanks.
Man, don't do it!
The odds are too great.
Wish us luck. We met upon the level.
And we're parting on the square.
Good luck, indeed.
Come along, you ugly beast.
Here. Take this.
Last time Danny and me came through the Khyber Pass, we fought our way...
...yard by bloody yard...
...and General Bobbs called us heroes afterwards.
But that was years ago. Times have changed.
-Blast! Look who's on sentry! -Mulvaney!
That loudmouthed mick f rom the Black Tyrone!
Private Mulvaney! Come to attention when l am addressing you!
Slope arms!
Present! March!
Mark time!
At the double!
Corporal of the guard!
Take three men and put Private Mulvaney under arrest!
Bloody man's drunk again!
We came through the Khyber with that caravan...
...doing all sorts of antics to amuse the people.
At night, he told them their fortunes in a tongue of his own...
...and I translated.
And all concerned were happy...
...because I promised them all their wishes would come true.
Then at Jaedallak we turned off towards Kafiristan.
They were sad to see us leave the caravan. We'd brought it good luck.
Two she-camels had foaled and there was no sniping at us from the hills.
They waved goodbye to the mad priest and his servant.
And Danny danced them out of sight.
The country was deserty. The inhabitants were dispersed, solitary.
We travelled by night and kept away from villages.
We didn't want to waste ammunition in idle fighting with Afghans.
The Pushtukan.
A wavy blue line on the map, but we couldn't hope to get camels across.
So Peachy says, ''It doesn't matter what they cost...
...we'll trade them for goats. We're playing for high stakes. ''
Major McCrimmon bet me 10 bob he could blow up a goat skin in one breath.
He did. Though he'd sat down on an anthill in his kilt unknowing.
Ten shillings was ten shillings to McCrimmon!
Now, the problem is... to divide five Af ghans f rom three mules...
-...and have two Englishmen left over. -Shoot them.
No. The mules would bolt.
Sit over there, Danny.
So we starts forward into those bitter cold mountainous parts...
...and never a path broader than the back of your hand.
The mountains was tall and white... wild rams, they was always fighting... you couldn't sleep for the din of their fighting.
For God's sake, Danny, pipe down.
-Why? Who's going to hear us? -These mountains, that's who.
-You wanna start an avalanche? -You don't believe that, l hope.
lf a king can't sing, it ain't worth being king.
The country was mountainous...
...and the mules was most contrary. They all died but one.
And she died later on.
Danny went snow-blind and clung to jenny's tail.
Up and up we went, and down and down.
Through defiles and over snowy saddles till all at once...
... two giants stood in our way.
God's holy trousers.
What's the matter?
Blokes twice our size standing guarding the snow, like. Two of them.
Give them a round apiece.
Not a move out of them.
Stay put.
l'll reconnoitre.
They're not real, thank God.
They're horrible.
Put there by the Kafiris to f righten the neighbours.
Peachy, that means we're in Kafiristan. Or almost.
So it does.
-What was that? -Our bridges have been burned.
What do you mean?
The bridge we crossed by ain't there no longer.
Now what?
-Tell me. -A crevasse.
We've had it, Danny. Coming and going!
-Wide? -Wide enough!
lt drops into nothing below, straight as a beggar can spit!
That's the last of them, Peachy. No more gods to burn.
lt looks like last post, Danny.
l don't fancy dying by inches. Feeling the cold creeping up my limbs.
-Getting all numb. -l'll do the necessary...
-...when the fire goes out. -Fair enough.
Bloody shame.
Getting this close and not making it.
A stone's throw away, our kingdom.
l'd have liked to seen you, Danny, with a gold crown on your head.
lf you could've found one that fitted it.
Peachy, in your opinion...
...have our lives been misspent?
Well, that depends on how you look at it.
The world's not a better place because of us.
No, hardly that.
-Nobody's gonna weep at our demise. -And who'd want them to?
And we haven't many good deeds to our credit.
None. None to brag about.
But how many have been where we've been...
-...and seen what we've seen? -Bloody few. And that's a fact.
Even now, l wouldn't change places with the viceroy himself...
-...if it meant giving up my memories. -Me neither.
Remember the time the Highlanders was retreating down the hill... Ali Masjit and Pipe Major McCrimmon got his sporran shot off?
Half a crown was in it, right?
So he goes after it without checking to see if that was all he'd lost!
And then he got the Victoria Cross...
...because the Highlanders followed him up the hill!
Danny, we can get on!
The promised land.
Must be their Halloween.
Upsadaisy, lad.
Brass band and all. Hail the conquering heroes.
Bloody cheek. Where's their gratitude?
l say! l say there!
Are you Englishmen, please?
Stone the bleeding crows! Yes, mate.
-And who might you be? -You just wait one jiffy.
Peachy, it's a Gurkha.
Rifleman Machendra Gurung. Known to my regiment as Billy Fish.
ls that right? Well, report, rifleman.
What are you doing here? Wherever here is.
-l come with Colonel Robertson, sir. -The geographer?
Oh, dear me, alas, by Jove.
Party not reaching Er-Heb for very misfortunate reasons.
Large mountain is falling on everyone.
Everybody buried alive ex cept your servant.
What about them up there banging drums...
...and then shooting arrows at us?
Big noise to scare away devils!
-Many devils here these days. -They thought we was devils?
Kafiristan peoples very ignorant.
l say to head man Ootah, l say, ''Oh, no, by Jove, they're not devils...
...they're Gorasahibs. British soldiers.''
Good man, Billy Fish.
And now, if you'll take us to this Ootah bloke...
...we will begin his education.
People of Er-Heb, do not fear.
They are our f riends, not our enemies.
Do you understand? Do not fear.
There is no need to fear. They're our f riends.
Why are you so af raid? People of Er-Heb, do not fear!
They're f rom England! British soldiers!
White men. Do not be af raid.
Come on down.
No need to be af raid. They're white men. Ootah!
Come down!
Don't be af raid.
Tell him we won't hurt him, not to worry.
He wants to know where you come f rom.
Tell him we tumbled f rom the skies.
He wants to know, are you gods?
Not gods, Englishmen, which is the next best thing.
l ofttimes tell Ootah about Englishmans.
How they name dogs, take off hats to womans...
...and march left, right with rifles on their shoulders.
Bringing enlightenment to the darker regions of the earth.
He wants to know how rifle works.
Show him, Peachy.
We are not gods, exactly, but we are heaven-sent... deliver you f rom your enemies.
Enemies all around.
The Bashkai are the worst.
All town comes out and pisses downstream when we go bathing.
They are always stealing our womans.
Putting on masks.
And so our head chap is thinking them devils...
-...and running like bloody hell away. -War! Red war we'll give them.
He give you two goats for each Bashkai man you're killing.
One goat for each womans and childs.
Rather than knock them over one at a time...
...we'd like to do it in one fell swoop.
Serve him up a proper victory. Storm Bashkai, take the city.
He says, '' How much?''
Only the honour of leading the brave men of Er-Heb into battle.
And what we fancy in souvenirs.
-A bauble here and a bangle there. -Bashkai is only the beginning.
We hope to go on f rom victory to victory until he runs out of enemies.
And a monarch of all you survey.
-All he surveys? -From the highest place in the valley.
The mountains will echo your name.
Ootah the Great!
Oh, he says he prefers ''Ootah the Terrible.''
Then Ootah the Terrible it shall be.
And take him in token of our earnest.
And now the womans of Er-Heb will cut his bollocks off!
Couldn't happen in a better cause.
-Contract. -Contract.
Ootah say, ''You, you no like?''
Tell him we've given up strong drink until we've conquered all his enemies.
Boil them once or twice in hot water...
...and they'll come out like chicken and ham.
You wouldn't know them f rom the Gaiety Chorus.
-Ootah says, ''Take your pick.'' -He does?
Oh, tell His Majesty one's prettier than another. l couldn't choose.
Take as many as you like. There are more where they came f rom.
He has 27 daughters.
They're his daughters? His own daughters?
-Dirty old brute! -Different countries, different customs.
Mustn't be prejudiced, Peachy.
Tell His Majesty we've also taken a vow not to dally with females...
...till all his enemies are vanquished.
He has 32 sons if you're liking boys.
Tell him he makes my gorge rise!
Hold on, Peachy, he's only being hospitable according to his likes.
Everything's the same. The ball's bigger.
-ls the ball always that big? -Depends on size of head.
Big head, big ball. This here Bashkai man. Big damn head.
The bloody heathens.
Different countries, different customs. Mustn't be prejudiced.
Now, listen to me, you benighted muckers.
We're gonna teach you soldiering, the noblest profession.
When we're done, you'll be able to slaughter enemies like civilized men!
But first, you'll have to learn to march in step... the manual of arms without having to think.
Good soldiers don't think, they just obey.
You think if a man thought twice, he'd die for his country?
Not bloody likely! He wouldn't go near the battlefield!
One look at your foolish faces...
...tells me you're going to be crack troops.
Him there with a 51I2 hat size has the makings of a bloody hero.
Timing in the British Army has always been: ''One, two, three.''
One, two, three.
Say after me, ''One, two, three.''
Wait. Ready, steady, go.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Say it at the same time as the others. Tell him to say it at the same time!
Right. Go!
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Billy, tell him to say it with the others!
One, two, three. Right. Now ready, steady, go.
One, two, three.
No! He's saying it before the others, Billy.
Not before them, not after them, with them!
Right. Attention!
No. You, look....
That one goes to there! Say that one goes to there! That's it!
Down there, like that.
There. There we are. Okay? Right.
Come on, smarten up, you horrible lot!
That's better.
Troops, march!
By the left. Quick. March!
Left. Left. Left, right, left.
Wait. You're a handsome piece, that l don't deny...
...but the contract states the party of the first part, Danny...
...and the party of the second part, which is me...
...shall nowise compromise ourselves...
...with parties of the third part, which is you.
All binding, properly sworn to...
...witnessed and attested.
-Danny! -So!
Thank God you arrived.
Let's go seek safety in battle.
Trumpeter, sound your trumpet!
Billy Fish.
Blood is what we want. The bloodier, the better.
So it shall be!
Like old times, Peachy. Reminds me of Ali Majid.
lt's a good job the odds are only 10 to 1 .
Line up in a straight line here.
Who are they?
What's happening?
Very holy men.
They walk through Kafiristan collecting offerings for Holy City.
Battle is postponed until priests have passed.
-Why are their eyes closed? -They don't wish to see any badness... keep eyes closed until they return to beauties of Sikandergul.
Aim! Fire!
Charge! Come on.
Oh, that great bloody showoff!
Rifle section, form line! Fix bayonets!
Volley fire! Commence!
What did you think you were playing at charging single-handed?
-l got carried away. Blood was up. -Acting like a green lieutenant...
...hoping to be mentioned in dispatches!
-You ought to be ashamed! -Sorry.
Supposing you got killed. Where would l be at?
-Won't happen again. -See it don't!
-Why are you carrying that arrow? -No particular reason.
Hold on!
What's he up to?
He say he win this big battle. According to custom...
-...he lop off their heads. -Great warrior?
l never saw him in the thick of the f ray.
There's no prisoner ex ecutions in this army.
Tell him to put that sword away.
He says once sword unsheathed, it must taste blood.
Just as l thought. He hasn't had it out until now!
He says watch out or he get very angry and lop your head off.
All right. Up you get. Off your hunkers.
No more grovelling.
We aren't gonna torch your city...
...or hang you in chains, nor rape your daughters.
Tell them to divide their goods in half and we will choose which half we want.
Henceforth, let the men of Er-Heb and the men of Bashkai be as brothers.
Brothers in arms.
Let them march under one banner and share in the victories to come.
Have the Bashkai any enemies to speak of?
Oh, enemies all around!
Bhardoks, Ghundaras, Shus, Khawaks.
The Bhardoks piss downstream on Bashkai people when they bathe.
We'll strike them and grind them into dust!
Silver bracelet, 10 shillings.
A good heavy necklace of the same, worth a fiver at least.
Earring with bangles.
One pig sticker with plain handle.
A gold coin worn pretty thin.
A rosy red ring and a few other ones, plain.
All this should fetch 10 or 15 quid in a London shop.
Not too bad for the back of beyond.
They're calling for you.
For me?
Sikander. Sikander.
What does Sikander mean, Billy?
Sikander a god. Come here long ago f rom the West.
That's the bloke Kipling told us about.
Alexander. Sikander.
-Alexander. -He builded great city.
Sikandergul, high in mountains. Sit on throne.
All people worship him.
Then one day, time comes, he say he must go to East.
People pull their hair out, tear clothes.
So Sikander promised to send back son.
328 B.C., encyclopaedia said.
They saw arrow go into Danny's chest, him pluck it out, and not bleeding.
So, son of Sikander.
They think l'm a god?
A god! Put your foot out that l may kiss your big toe.
-You may kiss my royal arse. -Not royal, holy!
-You're a deity, remember? -Peachy.
-Yes, Billy? -ls Danny not son of Sikander?
No, he's a man like us. He can break wind at both ends simultaneous.
Which l bet is more than any god can do!
But the arrow.
The arrow stuck in the bandolier. No miracle.
You better tell them. And my dad's name was Herbert Dravot, Esquire...
...and he was a bar steward in Durham!
Hang on, Danny.
-Maybe we're missing a bet. -What do you mean?
Supposing you was an ignorant Kafiri...
...who would you rather follow, a god or a man?
Now, we're here to conquer this country, ain't we?
Well, with you as a god, it would take half the time and half the trouble.
The idea is a bit blasphemous like.
No, Danny...
...blaspheming is when you take his name in vain...
...God Almighty's.
What if they found out we was having them on?
Why should they?
We won't tell them.
-You won't tell them, will you, Billy? -Oh, no. lndeed, by Jove, no.
Er-Heb and Bashkai celebrate new brotherhood.
-With whose head? -Ootah's.
We marched and fought and took more villages. Our ranks swelled.
They were well trained, but with Danny at their head, Sikander the Second...
... they were also inspired.
Sikander! Sikander!
After half a dozen victories, his fame was such...
... that the fighting stopped. We was met with gifts...
...and bevies of maidens who danced and threw flowers.
Venus de Milo in the flesh, if flesh it is...
...and not Guinness and champagne. Billy...
...tell her to stand up and turn around.
Just gazing, Peachy. Just gazing.
Just enjoying beauty for its own sake.
Being only human, one thing leads to another.
Give her a hat with a feather, and no girl in Brighton on bank holiday...
...could hold a candle to her.
l must admit...
...she really is an eyef ul.
What's your name, girl?
-Roxanne. -Roxanne.
Wasn't that the name of the princess Alexander married?
lt was that.
Hold your head up.
-Girl af raid. -Of what?
lf god takes a girl, she catches fire and go up in smoke.
-They do what? -God's heart, a burning torch.
His veins run fire, not blood. lf god makes love to girl she goes:
ln one flash.
Not even ashes left.
l bet a jealous goddess made that up.
They come f rom Sikandergul...
...with a message for son of Sikander.
They're looking at him, if they opened their eyes.
-The message's f rom Kaf u Selim. -Who?
Kaf u Selim, high priest of Kafiristan.
What's the message?
Kaf u Selim says come.
-ls that all? -That's all, just come.
Doesn't waste words, does he?
Tell him we appreciate the invitation. We'll avail ourselves of it... of these days. -No. Come means '' now.''
What does he want to see us about?
He just says come.
l see.
All right, tell him to stand by and the army will be ready by first light.
He says, '' No! You come alone, him and you.''
Without the army?
Tell him Peachy and me don't go anywhere without the army goes with us.
Shut up, Danny.
We have to go.
Have you gone starky?
Keep your voice down and put a smile on your face, we've got an audience.
We'd be stone bonkers to walk into a strange city by our lonesomes.
Either we do what they say or pull stumps and run.
Make a beeline for the mountains and never look back.
Run? Not bloody likely. Run f rom them?
...f rom our blokes. We're over a barrel, Danny.
lf we back away f rom a meeting with old Kaf u Selim, we'll lose face...
...and that is the one thing a god cannot afford.
What to do?
Bluff it out.
Polish our buttons, stuff ramrods up our jacksies and look bold.
Like we did when we were on charges for drunk and resisting the guard.
-Sikandergul. -God's holy trousers!
No weapons allowed in Holy City.
All right... got us here.
Now what?
Where's your high panjandrum?
Afternoon, Your Reverence. You wanted to see me?
Tell him he can keep it. l'm making him a present of it.
-What did he say? -He say, '' Now we shall see.''
You mortals wait down there.
Tell them to take their paws off me double quick...
...or l'll have their guts for garters! l'll pluck your livers...
...and feed them to the kites!
How dare you lay your hands on me, Daniel Dravot, Esquire!
Now what the bleeding hell?
One minute he's about to cut my heart out... minute he's flat on his face!
He saw that...
-...and dropped like he was poleax ed! -What do you make of it?
He says that is mark of Sikander.
They're Masons!
By the square, level, plumb rule, compasses, the all-seeing eye!
The craft, Danny!
-That's what saved us. -Blimey.
Only highest priest knows about this sign...
...put in stone long ago by Sikander.
Now, Kaf u Selim rejoicing at the coming of his son.
lt ain't brass, Danny.
-Sikander? -Belonged to him, now son of Sikander's.
These here...
...make jewels in the Tower of London look like cheap family heirlooms.
God's holy trousers!
Look at the size of that ruby!
There's a bigger one.
Why, Danny...
...we only have to fill our pockets and walk out of here to be millionaires.
And all of it, all...
...would make us the two richest men in England!
-The empire. -The world.
But will they let us take it?
Take it away, l mean.
Ask him, Billy.
He says, belong to son of Sikander. Can do with it what he likes.
Leave it here, take away, no matter.
His will be done.
We've mules enough, and riflemen to guard them when the time comes.
What month is it?
January, l make it...
...or maybe February. March, April, May, June...
...four months of winter monsoon, then....
Four long months!
What'll we do with the time?
Add up our blessings here...
...divide them by two...
...not forgetting you, Billy.
And multiply that by the years we got left.
Tell His Reverence...
...he has my thanks for discharging his trust so correctly...
...and delivering to me what is mine.
And tell him l'm also gratef ul to all them other holy men...
...who waited for me, f rom one generation to another...
...down the centuries to this present day and fortuitous occasion.
My lord, these people are f rom village of Kamdesh.
This man owns 60 cows. All cows in the village.
-Very enterprising of him. -Enterprise is not his, it is hers.
She's his wife. Every time he catches her with other man...
...other man has to pay six cows. Kafiri custom.
Use other man's wife, pay him six cows.
He's piled up a fortune of 60 cows...
-...out of her infidelities? -And 32 goats.
She ain't a wife. She's a going concern!
And these are the unfaithf ul husbands and these the wives?
Those four, wives of one man. These three, wives of another.
This ain't no laughing matter!
No cattle, there ain't meat nor hides. No milk, there ain't...
...butter or cheese and the children's bowls go empty.
Outrageous, it is!
For encouraging his wife to comport herself like Jezebel... cow shall be paid each of the other wives.
For using a good law for a bad purpose, another.
For causing the young to go without, a third.
For thinking he can get away with it, a fourth.
He shall pay 22 cases of compensation of four cows to each wife.
Which means, she's got...
-Fourteen and two-thirds. -...more infidelities to commit... come out even.
Let's see how he likes it when she earns cows for others. Next case.
-What's the charge? -No charge.
This chief f rom Agatsi which village have fire...
...and supply of grains go up in smoke. He want permission... raid another village for to steal grain.
They don't have to raid and they won't starve. Make a proclamation.
-What number is it? -Thirty-one, my lord.
Each village will bring one-tenth of its crop here... my royal city of Sikandergul where same will be stored.
Henceforth, any village suffering f rom privation...
...shall have grain issued in accordance with its needs.
l now pronounce this law enacted. Selah.
l pronounce a recess in this durbar.
-Yes, my lord. -Peachy.
lf we're gonna make it stick that l'm a god... ought to bow when you pass in f ront of me like everybody else.
-All right, Danny. -Understand?
-For appearances' sake. -Yeah.
-No offense? -No, no, of course not, Danny.
You have to take your hat off to Daniel Dravot.
He dealt out justice as though he wrote the book.
Peachy was general of his armies, but there was no more battles to fight.
Danny had him build a bridge that would span the chasm below the Holy City.
It'd help keep Peachy occupied until the spring came.
Look, Danny, the geese. Skeins of them flying north.
A fortnight and the pass will open. What we ought to do is make camp...
...high up on the mountain and wait on the weather.
-l ain't going, Peachy. -What?
-You heard me. -Not going?
Have you gone barmy?
No, l ain't been drinking neither.
l see things clear.
lt's like bandages have been removed f rom my eyes.
Have you ever walked into a strange room...
...and it's like you've been there before?
-l know what you mean. -Let me tell you something.
This isn't the first time l've worn a crown.
There's more to this than meets the eye.
lt all adds up.
What does?
Everything that's happened f rom the time we decided to come here.
No, before that...
...beginning with your taking Brother Kipling's watch.
More than chance has been at work here. More than mere chance.
Why his watch and not somebody else's?
And what made him give me the emblem?
One thing after the other.
The avalanche, the arrow...
...the mark on the stone...
-...not to mention another Roxanne. -Roxanne? The Venus de Milo?
The same.
One more thing is needf ul for my destiny to be f ulfilled.
-l take her to wife. -Leave the women alone.
Who's talking women? l said wife.
-A queen to breed a king's son. -And the contract?
The contract lasted until we was kings, and king l've been for months!
The first king since Alexander, the first to wear his crown in 2200 and...
-14. -...14 years!
...and now me!
They call me his son and l am... spirit anyway.
lt's a hugeous responsibility.
The bridge is the first of many. They'll tie the country together.
A nation l shall make of it with an anthem and a flag.
l shall treat on equal terms the viceroy and other kings and princes.
When l've accomplished what l set out to do, l'll stand before the queen...
...not kneel, mind you, but stand like an equal and she'll say:
'' Please accept the Order of the Garter as a mark of my esteem, cousin.''
She'll pin it on me herself. lt's big. l tell you, it's big!
And l tell you, you need a physic!
l'm fair disappointed in you.
You, who followed me and helped make me what l am.
Followed you, me? Who had hold of the mule's tail, tell me that?
The jenny also done her bit.
Danny! We've had this rare streak of luck. Let's quit winners for once.
-Cut and run while the running's good. -You call it luck. l call it destiny.
Ha, ha! Pardon me while l fall down laughing.
Whatever you may think and however you may feel, l'm a king and you're a subject!
So don't you provoke me, Peachy Carnehan!
Or you'll do what?
You've got me trembling in my boots here! What'll you do?
-You have permission to bugger off! -l will, with or without your...
...bleeding permission!
And may you rot in hell, Daniel Dravot!
From Sikander the First to the Second was a long time between kings...
...and a country needs a king like a king needs a crown.
One is the glory of the other.
Therefore, l shall leave a son behind who will in turn beget other sons... the succession will be unbroken and kings will be guaranteed forever.
To which end...
...l have chosen a wife.
Roxanne of Khawak.
Let her be brought here attended by her family.
l want flowers strewed along her way.
The wedding ceremony will be surrounded by pomp and circumstance!
Let messengers be sent forth and summon my people f rom near and far.
What are they saying?
How can daughters of men marry gods or devils?
-A god can do anything. -But it is not proper.
-Who says it isn't? -All the priests.
Would they put their word against that of a god?
They say let lmbra decide.
lmbra is highest god of all.
And what if lmbra should hold against me?
What'll they do about it?
Am l a dog or a god?
Haven't l put the shadow of my hand over this country?
Do as l say! Send for the girl!
Tell them that's an order!
-Well, Billy, what's going on? -Signs very bad, Peachy.
Priests open up birds, green inside and stinking horrid. lmbra very angry.
They probably cut the spleen. The green's only bile.
Don't worry, Billy, the girl won't go up in smoke. l'll guarantee you that.
Girl don't matter. Many girls here, no difference.
Few girls more or less...
...but cows now, they dry up and goats throw babies too soon.
And corn do not ripen.
Everybody go hungry.
Now, Billy, you know as well as l do that Dravot's no god.
He told you about the arrow.
But then, priests must be mistaken about lmbra.
He not angry because...
...god marrying a mortal but because son of man...
...pretend to be a god.
Roxanne, don't be af raid...
...l wouldn't harm you.
When the time comes, you'll catch fire, l warrant.
All women should when their husbands hold them.
But you won't perish, girl, l promise you that.
Well, Danny...
...the time has come, as the saying goes.
When do you leave?
At first light.
l thought you might look in the box es before l nail them shut.
-See what l'm taking. -Take what you like.
l weighed the gold out, pound for pound. The gems, ounce for ounce.
l'll only need half the mules we planned.
l'd like to take 20 riflemen to be safe through the Khyber Pass.
Take them. Take them.
God's holy trousers!
What is that?
They're savages here, one and all.
Leave them to slaughtering babies, playing stick-and-ball with heads...
...and pissing on their neighbours.
Please, Danny...
...for the last time of asking...
...come back with me.
For the last time of answering, l won't.
l know you've got my best interest at heart...
...but the choice has been made.
Well, l'll be seeing you, then?
ln London maybe...
...when the queen gives you the Order of the Garter.
-Peachy. -Yes, Danny?
l'll be married midmorning.
Could you not wait and leave afterwards?
See me up the aisle for old times' sake?
lf you like.
Peachy, the ring.
l, Sikander the Second, hereby take thee...
...Roxanne, to be my lawf ul wedded wife...
...and queen of Kafiristan. Selah.
She bit me!
The slut bit me!
What's he saying?
Danny's bleeding, they know! He says, '' Not god, not devil, but man!''
They've twigged it, Danny. You've had it!
The jig's up!
-l, Sikander-- -For God's sake!
We've got to brass it out, Danny. Danny, brass it out!
Bags of swank.
We'll get your riflemen and come back and slaughter the dogs!
A drenching in their own blood we'll give them! Prepare to advance!
Too many for that, Danny. Retire in sections.
Retire? Retire be damned!
We've gotta make a run for it!
Front section...!
Front rank, fire!
Break ranks!
Mount the mule and ride! There's a chance you'll make it.
Gurkha foot soldier, not cavalry.
Rifleman Machendra Bahadur Gurung wishing you many good lucks.
Out of bloody ammo!
Me too!
l'm heartily ashamed for getting you killed...
...instead of going home rich...
...on account of me being so bleeding high and bloody mighty!
Can you forgive me?
That l can, and that l do, Danny.
Free and f ull and without let or hindrance.
Everything's all right, then.
Cut, you buggers, cut!
And old Danny fell round and round and round and round... a penny whirligig. Twenty thousand miles!
lt took him half an hour to fall before he struck the rocks.
And do you know what they did to Peachy?
They crucified him, sir...
...between two pine trees... Peachy's hands will show.
Poor Peachy, who'd never done them any harm.
He just hung there and he screamed, but he didn't die.
The next day they came and took him down...
...and said it's a miracle he wasn't dead and they let him go.
And Peachy come home in about a year...
...and the mountains they tried to fall on old Peachy...
...but he was quite safe because Daniel walked before him.
And Daniel never let go of Peachy's hand.
And Peachy never let go of Daniel's head.
His head?
You knew Danny, sir.
Oh, yes.
You knew most worshipf ul Brother...
...Daniel Dravot, Esquire.
...he became the king of Kafiristan...
...with a crown on his head.
And that's all there is to tell. l'll be on my way now, sir.
l've got urgent business in the South.
l have to meet a man at Marwar Junction.
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