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Married With Children 1x01 - Pilot

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* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!
Die, commie bimbo.
Now, Bud, I thought we talked about this before.
What's that, Mom?
Sneaking up behind your sister,
pulling her hair, pretending to kill her.
Remember the effect it had on Grandma?
Nobody likes it, nobody thinks it's funny.
So cut it out, okay?
Sure, Mom.
Now go to school.
[HORN HONKS]
I hate you.
Good.
Hey, hon. Anything going on?
Nope.
Sweetie, is this your little cactus?
Uh-huh.
Any particular reason
you put it where the alarm clock used to be?
I thought it would dress up the room a little bit.
Gee, I meant to tell you to be careful
before you slammed your hand on the alarm this morning.
Well, you didn't.
Sorry.
That's okay.
I stopped the bleeding with your slip.
Where are the kids?
They've left.
By the way, Bud has show and tell at school today.
The subject is, "What does daddy do?"
So when you come home tonight,
if there's a can of beer missing,
and you can't find the remote control,
that's where they are.
I hope he brings that stuff back tonight.
The Bulls are playing on TV.
Oh, my God. You're kidding.
It's not as exciting as your Cookin' with Clyde the Cajun,
but at least it gives me a reason to come home.
Al, do you have to leave the refrigerator door open?
I'm getting a draft.
I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dishwasher.
We have no juice.
I didn't buy any. I didn't have time.
That happens. I understand.
You don't have a job or anything, do you?
Well, I do sandpaper the stains out of your shirts
and battle your socks and underwear
into the washing machine,
but I guess that is more of an adventure than a job.
What has that got to do with juice?
Al, there's a store on your way home from work.
I'm sorry. Why didn't I think of that?
Sure. I don't mind doing the shopping too.
Anything else I can do to make your life easier?
You could shave your back.
Hey, that hair is there for a reason.
It keeps you off of me at night.
Al, let's not start.
We were having such a nice morning.
Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.
It's just that I got a hard day ahead of me
and nothing to eat to get me going.
I'm sorry, honey. It's my fault.
Tonight, I promise, there will be food in the house.
And juice.
Right.
Those kids.
I hate wasting food.
Yes, my little baby.
Have a nice day, honey.
There better be juice when I get home.
I don't care what your little ruler says.
I've been a 7 since I graduated from high school.
Well, these are 7s.
The box says 9 because, well, uh...
Look, lady. You're a 9.
I can accept it. Why can't you?
You're very fresh!
No, ma'am, that's impossible,
because for the last hour,
I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe,
when I really should have been easing them into the box.
I'd say I'm anything but fresh.
By the way, you want to tell John Henry there
to give the $100 pumps a rest?
Your ad says "Courteous service."
That's not my ad, ma'am.
That's the former owner's.
He was killed, tragically, on this very spot
when a size 9 exploded in his face.
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
I want a balloon.
You've already got one.
Hey, Al. You mind if I go to lunch?
You just came from lunch.
Yeah, technically.
Biologically, I was in bed with some broad.
Luke, how can you be happy
sleeping with every woman you meet?
I don't know, but I am.
I'll tell you, as your friend,
I can't wait till you get married.
Yeah. A wife and kids who adore you.
A wife...
Kids...
The list goes on and on.
It's just seeing their faces light up in the morning
when they see you.
They can't do enough for you.
It's heaven on earth.
No, Al. That is.
Luke Ventura, at your feet.
Do you work here,
or are you just loitering?
I'm sorry. Can I help you?
I'd like to see some shoes, please.
Uh, let me guess.
Uh...size 7s.
Yes. How did you know?
All women are 7s.
I know you've been told this before,
but you have the instep of a movie star.
Really?
Hey, Al. Meet Tawny.
Al's married.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Listen, Al, I forgot to tell you.
I got an extra ticket to the Bulls/Lakers game tonight.
Court level. Want to go?
Hell, yeah!
Sure your wife will let you?
Let me tell you something.
No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Hey, you. Get my shoes.
Yes, ma'am.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: We're here today with our staff anthropologist,
Dr. Jim, who discovered a tribe of women in the Amazon
who, like the praying mantis,
devour their males after mating season.
Oh, my God. Ladies?
[APPLAUSE]
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
[TURNS VACUUM ON]
Hi, honey.
Hi. Working hard?
Oh, yeah.
You know I like to keep the house clean.
Whew! Hard day?
Yeah. You?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it must have been. Even the TV's sweating.
Hey, get me some juice, okay?
Oh, that's what I forgot to do.
That's okay. Juice isn't important.
Listen, honey, I know you've been busy
around the house all day.
so you don't have to bother making me dinner tonight.
I got a little surprise for you.
I'm going to the ball game tonight.
Al. Hm?
You're not going to the game tonight.
Sure, I am.
See, let me explain something to you.
I work all day.
And when somebody works all day, they need to have fun at night.
I don't actually expect you to understand,
but trust me. I'm your husband. I know best.
Isn't staying home with me fun?
Don't wait up.
Al, you're not going to the game tonight.
I see you misunderstood me.
You must have thought I said,
"Is it okay with you if I go to the game?"
You know, like a question.
There's no question about this.
No, there isn't.
You cannot go to the game tonight.
Why not?
Because I invited company over.
Company?!
Who the hell would want to come over here?
You know that honeymoon couple that moved next door?
No.
I invited them over. I thought I told you.
You didn't.
Look, I worked hard all day.
The last thing I want to do
is spend the evening with people I don't know.
Now, look. They are new in the neighborhood.
They have lived here for two months,
and they have no friends.
We have lived here for 15 years,
and we have no friends.
Al, I want to have some friends.
Are you implying
that it's my fault you have no friends?
Oh, no. It's me who sits in front of the TV set burping,
with my hand thrust down my pants.
You keep it cold in this house, Peg.
Al, every night when the kids go out,
it's just you and me.
Can't you see how boring that is for me, honey?
Look, all I am asking
is that we have some people over for one night
and for you to be nice.
Oh, I'm gonna be nice.
How's this for nice? I'm not even gonna be here.
I'm going to the game.
All right, Al. Fine. But before you go,
I would just like to say three things.
The bank book is in both our names,
the credit cards are in both our names,
and the stores are still open.
Why didn't you get me juice?
Kids gone?
Yeah. But they'll be back.
I can't believe you invited these people over tonight.
I hate company.
Would you for once think about me?
I am at home all day, alone.
You're out there around people all the time.
You know, I need some fun too.
Too? Oh, sure, on the surface
selling women's shoes is fun.
But once you cut through
all the hype, the myths, the glamour,
it's really very much like any minimum-wage-paying slow death.
Hi, Mom.
Dad, can I have $5.00?
When I was a kid, I had to earn my money.
Did you ever once think about trying to earn your money?
Okay, Dad.
Do you want to know
who Kelly was with this afternoon?
Who?
You know the kid they call Cobra,
the kid with the sore on his mouth?
Good job, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Where are you going?
Joey's dad's waiting for me outside.
We're going to the basketball game tonight.
Mom said it was okay. Bye.
The Lakers are in town.
He really wanted to go.
Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have $10?
Who were you with today?
Nobody.
Does nobody have a name?
You know, Tom, Dick, Cobra with a sore on his mouth?
Oh, Dad. It's not that kind of a sore.
He just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.
What?
You gave some to Bud, you have to give to Kelly too.
Remember, Al. No favoritism.
Peg, she's going out with a guy
named after a reptile.
His real name is Stanley.
They only call him Cobra because he has one painted on his van.
And you find this acceptable?
I've met him, and he's a very nice boy.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[HORN PLAYING] * Dum de dum dum *
That's his horn. Isn't it great?
I guess that's why I fell in love with him.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, honey.
You know, we must have done something right.
We raised two great kids.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you.
I was just thinking of killing myself.
Not tonight, honey.
We have company coming over.
Look, it's time for the pre-game show.
Oh, no, you don't. Every time we have company,
you turn on this TV
and immediately separate yourself.
Not tonight. You can always watch a basketball game.
Oh, but I couldn't always meet our next-door neighbors.
Now I see.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Steve and Marcie from next door.
Steve and Marcie? I'm gonna miss a game
for people named Steve and Marcie?
What's their last name, Gorme?
And that is another thing, Al.
When they're in here, I do not want you making snide comments.
That is why we have no friends.
Excuse me, Peg. I thought we had no friends
because I put my hands down my pants.
[Doorbell rings]
Now, that's them.
Another thing. Do not eat or drink anything.
One of them may have to use the bathroom after you.
I'm gonna hate these people.
You will not hate them They are very nice.
If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.
Get the door. Get my juice.
Hello. I'm Marcie.
I'm Steve.
You have a beautiful home.
Yeah, so do you. Come on in.
Howdy, neighbor!
Yeah, yeah. I hate these people.
Why don't we sit down.
Gee, you know, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I have nothing to serve you.
Listen, if you're hungry,
there's a store a few blocks away.
If you're going, get me some juice, okay?
Al's only kidding.
He's just upset because
I didn't have time to do the shopping.
You know, Steve and I
decided to share the household chores.
Gee, that's great.
You see, Al. Steve helps around the house.
Way to go, Steve.
Say, listen, who do you like
to win the NBA championship this year?
Well, Al... to tell you the truth,
since we got married,
I don't watch much sports.
Marcie doesn't like it,
and we decided we'll only do things we both like.
I feel that sports glorify violence and competition,
and I don't think it's psychologically healthy.
When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up
with that "winning is the only thing" attitude.
A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
You gonna neuter him too?
Do you two have any kids?
Two.
Where are they?
I don't know.
So, Steve...
looks like life is really shaping up for you two.
How long you two crazy kids been married?
Two months, Al.
Well, Marcie, looks like you got
a heck of a piece of clay to work with.
We've been married 15 years.
Well, what's your secret?
Oh, no secret, really.
Just to be considerate, accept each other for what you are,
don't point out the fact
that the hair he's losing on his head
is now growing out of his nose.
And his ears.
And accepting the fact that nowadays
it's harder to figure out where her chest ends
and her stomach begins.
I'll get us some coffee, Marcie.
I'll help.
Me too.
Hey. You know another thing
that makes women such a blessing to us?
It's like when you're sitting somewhere,
and they come over and they say to you,
"What are you thinking?"
And you start thinking...
"You know, if I wanted you to know,
I'd be talking."
Isn't that an awful lot of coffee
you're putting in there?
Yes.
That's for them.
Ours will be good.
You see, if they enjoy
eating and drinking at home too much,
they never take you anywhere.
With men, if you ask them for something,
you are never gonna get it.
But if you do some damage
to their internal organs,
you got a shot.
And if it doesn't work...
what have you lost?
Could you fill this with tap water, please.
Well, I have to be honest.
So far, Steve has been the ideal husband.
Oh, really?
I bet the first couple of weeks you were married,
you went to bed at the same time.
Oh, yes.
Have you noticed how in the last month or so,
he seems to be going to bed a little later and later?
Why, yes.
How did you know?
You're letting him slip away, Marcie.
You've got a good thing going.
Don't start letting him have a good time alone.
But we still have a good time together.
Then why is he staying up?
I'm telling you, your son is gonna be a sissy
if you let that woman
take away your sports.
I used to love sports.
Of course you did.
You're a man.
But, Steve...
you can love it again.
Start with me right now, Steve.
Turn on that TV.
I can't do it for you.
Turn it on...
Settle back...
Relax...
and watch sports.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You know, lately...
he's been getting up earlier than me too.
Mm-mm-mm. That's not good.
Do you have PMS?
No.
Get it.
Steve!
Shh! Hey!
I thought we agreed:
No sports.
Nice shot.
[COUGHS]
I demand to know what you do late at night
after I've gone to bed.
Are you having fun alone, Steve?
No. I just like to stay up and think.
What are you thinking?
Well, if I wanted you to know, I'd...
Oh, just about...
how much I love you.
I'm going to the game next week with Al.
My mother's coming over next week.
Oh, yeah? She gonna teach you how to bury me
like she buried her three husbands?
Steve!
Are you implying that their suicides
had something to do with Mother?
Oh.
Well, if that's your attitude,
then maybe I should just pack my bags and move in with her.
Great. Then I could go to bed at a normal hour.
All right, Steve Rhoades, let's go.
We're going home.
It's time to redefine our relationship.
Okay.
Al, I'll see you next week at the game.
Peggy, I think we'll be spending a lot of time together.
Come on, Steve.
We've got to talk.
Make it quick. I'm gonna watch boxing.
You'll watch nothing!
Yeah!
It's gonna be rough for them.
Yeah. Well, it was rough for us, and we made it.
Hey, you know what?
Bud got an A in school today.
No kidding? Yeah.
Hey, let's go out Saturday night.
You know, to eat. Just me and you.
Sure, if you want to.
We haven't been
to The Captain's Table in a long time.
We always like it there.
They have such a nice menu.
Yeah.
You want to go upstairs?
I thought you wanted to watch the game.
Nah!
Who cares?
You know, I like the coffee there too.
[***]