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Martin Lawrence Live Runteldat

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Listen, you're in a privileged position to learn a thing or two.
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.
I been through so much, you know, in my life, so...
I kind of wanted to get back out and tell my own story.
Maryland, DC, is my hometown, so I grew up here.
I'm a little man, so you kind of get the 'little man"complex sometimes.
You feel like you gotta fight for everything.
You even gotta fight for when the french fries have been taken from you.
First of all. We would like to thank God...
who just helping us to see another day to get up to bring you comedy.
Can you hear what the fuck I'm saying?
I'm not saying that all people in the media are bad.
Some of them do theirjob. Some of them do the research...
and they report the truth.
Actor and comedian Martin Lawrence...
was apprehended by Los Angeles police offiicers yesterday...
after he was discovered in the middle of one of LA 's most congested streets...
hurling obscenities at passing cars.
The popular television personality was admitted to a nearby hospital...
by LAPD offiicers after they subdued him by force.
No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.
No one. We all have ups, and we all have downs.
I mean, that's just life.
Martin Lawrence's current scrape with the law...
could be evidence of Martin's mania.
Something's obviously gone wrong in this man's head.
I mean, hejust settled a case out of court...
because he attacked somebody with a bottle who was making a toast.
Why? Well, apparently, he didn't like the phrasing.
Martin's acting like a madman, and people don't think it's funny.
But other people in the media, some reporters...
and some tabloids, they ain't interested in the truth.
All right? They like to sensationalize bullshit.
You do the math.
From bad boy on the big screen...
to a menace in real life...
how far will Martin's fans go to stand behind their tarnished hero?
It's easy to fade into obscurity in Hollywood. Martin better watch out.
If Martin doesn't clean up his act, he's not gonna be acting anywhere.
- I'm not perfect. I'm only human. - Important words to live by.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em. Girl. Fuck 'em.
We're all one 'cause we're all human, you know.
We experience a lot of the same things. Just as we wake, we sleep.
Just as we live, we die.
That's just life, human nature.
He had a body temperature registering...
at slightly over 107 degrees Fahrenheit.
He was, at that time, in a coma and unresponsive.
Fuck dying. Fuck dying.
Mama said. "The world is yours. Don't sleep."
Fuck dying.
After spending three days in a coma...
Martin Lawrence's condition is improving.
His eyes will focus on a person.
He can't talk just yet because we do have a tube down his throat.
But he is alert, and he is improving.
One of the achievements I'm most proud of is...
to be where I'm at in this business today...
after everything that I've been through.
You know, I can honestly say I'm blessed.
There's all kind of folks that was just negative...
when it came to Marty.
- I remember that shit. - Right.
Well. We still here. and they can run tell that.
Runteldat. Nigger.
We've been mashing city to city for six months...
putting this tour together.
I think doing stand-up comedy...
is one of the hardest things that somebody could do, you know?
You know, when you get on stage and you got the microphone...
and thousands of people, you know...
waiting for you to make 'em laugh, you got to bring it.
That's why I love it. You know, it's a challenge.
It's who I am.
Yeah, it's game time.
Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Lawrence!
Come on!
DC. I love you.
DC. I love you.
I'm home. I'm home.
I love you so much. Thank you.
That was... Hey. What can I say?
You make it all worth it.
What can I say. You know? This is what it's about.
Thank you.
Oh. Man. And y'all look good. Everybody's dressed tonight.
Came out. "Fuck it. We going to see that nigger. Fuck it.
Show him some love." Well. I had to come out tonight.
I don't know if you just saw the film... the tape and everything.
I said. "Fuck it. I got to come out and tell my own story."
I ain't waitin' for the E! True Hollywood Story to tell my shit.
You know what I mean?
Fuck that. I got to tell my own shit.
I see you. Baby. Hey. How you doin'?
Yeah. Hello. The ladies just screamin' like a motherfucker.
Yeah. Thank you. I know.
But if you want to scream. please send your panties up here. Okay?
Just put your number on your panties...
and I'll get back according to the smell.
Before I left the hotel. I was watching something on TV... this lady.
I'm gonna say. If you smoke. please be careful...
'cause I saw this lady on TV had a hole in her neck.
It was real bad. Anybody see that shit?
She was smoking the cigarette with her neck. And she's. Like...
And blowing the O's and shit with her neck.
Did anybody see that? Please be careful if you smoke.
'Cause that lady had a hole in her neck. You could see food falling.
When she eat. You could see string beans and pudding and all that shit.
You know? I bet her breath don't stink.
Her neck probably fuckin' stink. huh. Man?
You just put a fuckin' Altoid in her neck and shit.
If she choke on something. You ain't gotta worry about the Heimlich.
You just go right in the neck. Got that.
Yeah. A piece of gristle. Baby. That's all that was. A piece of gristle.
You got to love a woman with a hole in her neck. Fellas. You do.
Take her out to eat and shit. Got a hole in her fuckin' neck.
But you get mad. "Look. Goddamn it. Look at your neck.
What have you got to fuckin' come to the restaurant with your neck all out?
Got the fuckin' maître d' looking at ya. Shit. Goddamn.
Oh. You couldn't put on a turtleneck or nothin' tonight?
Couldn't put no mock neck on? None of that shit?"
They say this lady got a man. I know they be doing some freaky shit.
I know he come home. "Baby...
I want to do something a little different tonight.
Let me put my dick in your neck.
Oh. That's some good neck there. That's some good neck there.
Fuck head. I said neck. I like neck."
Her ass straight to here and shit.
And I'd like to say...
if there's any critics here tonight...
fuck you and kiss my ass.
I don't give a shit about you.
They're like the scum of the earth to me. Fuck them.
I can't stand a critic.
My mother don't like me to say that I hate. But I can't stand 'em.
What the fuck is a critic anyway? That's somebody that can't do what you can do...
so they want to criticize your shit.
You know what I mean? Think they authority on some shit.
You want to criticize somethin'. criticize these nuts.
Fuck you.
I don't see you talkin' about my balls on the news.
"One of Martin's balls is bigger than the other.
I give that a two star." Get the fuck out of here. Man.
But you know what? When I think about everything that's going on...
Critics are so unimportant to what's going on with the USA attacks...
everything that happened here. The Pentagon and New York. All that stuff.
My heart goes out to families that have went through all this and lost people.
I feel for 'em.
And it's a sad thing. It really is a sad thing because...
I'm glad to be an American. This is the best country in the world.
I can say that. You know.
I wouldn't want to be nowhere else. but when I seen this shit happen...
I think any of us could've been on them planes and anything that happened...
been in one of them buildings that they crashed into.
Any-fuckin'-body in here. Know what I mean?
If it affects one person. it affects us all.
And now my nerves are bad. y'all. After this shit.
I got to drink Milk of Magnesia and shit.
Every time before I board a plane. I don't know what the fuck's going on.
But out of all this. This is one of the first times in a long time...
since I don't know when... This is one of the first times...
I seen black and white people together on something. Standing for a cause.
It wasn't about race. It's just about life.
You know what I mean? Nothin' else but life.
Together on somethin'.
We will get together and fuck you up today...
on this USA attacks. you know what I mean?
I ain't seen black and white people together since...
Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney did "Ebony and Ivory."
So now. If I go to board a plane. if you like me...
you get nervous as a motherfucker. you see somebody boardin'.
You sit there talking to your white friend.
"What's up. White boy. I don't know you...
but we getting on this plane together and shit. Might as well be together.
Who's that motherfucker getting on the plane right there?
You don't know that motherfucker? Oh. Shit.
You about to get on this motherfuckin' plane. Man?
Don't start no motherfuckin' shit when we get on this plane. All right?
I'll punch you in your motherfuckin' mouth. Nigger.
Nigger. Don't go for your hands. Don't move your hands. Hold on.
What you got in your shoes. Nigger? What the fuck you got in your shoes?
I'm-a tell you. Don't start no shit when we get on this plane. Nigger.
I will knock your motherfuckin' ass the fuck out. I ain't playin'.
We ain't done shit. Don't start nothin'.
'Cause the white boy can wrestle. and I can box. Motherfucker.
He'll tackle your ass. and I'll punch the fuck out you.
Don't start no shit."
But your nerves is bad with these USA attacks and shit.
You don't know what's going on. They lookin' for bin Laden.
They ain't found his ass yet.
How you not find... You blew up all that shit. And you ain't found bin Laden yet?
That motherfucker at a club right now.
What the fuck is that shit about?
Ain't found no bin Laden. You know why?
'Cause a lot of motherfuckers look like bin Laden.
There's a nigger in McDonald's right now look just like bin Laden.
Got a high-top fade and every-fuckin'-thing.
You walk in that motherfucker to get a cheeseburger...
"Bin Laden! That's bin Laden!
Call the government. That's motherfuckin' bin Laden.
I know a motherfuckin' bin Laden when I see...
Call the Taliban. Nigger. That's him."
'Cause they looked. Man. You can't even find his ass.
I almost fucked an Indian up on the way in here.
He said. "No. I Indian. I Indian." I said. "Pull your turban up. Nigger.
Let me see a dot or somethin'. motherfucker.
I'll fuck your ass up. Don't start no shit.
I'll crack that fuckin' dot. Don't start it."
It's just all crazy. What's this shit about you can't open up mail?
What the fuck is that shit? You can't open up fuckin' mail?
You open up mail. you all fucked up.
What the fuck is that shit?
Can't open mail.
That's probably a good thing for the bill collectors though.
You know. They call your house. "Hi. Mr. Lawrence. Yeah.
I sent out a bill about three weeks ago...
and I haven't received payment on that.
I was wondering if... Was there a problem?
Well. Is there a reason that that's not paid?"
"Ain't you been watching the news. Nigga?
I can't open it. Motherfucker.
They got powder and shit in there...
that makes you lose your eyebrows in 4.2 seconds. Motherfucker.
You're welcome to bring your ass over here and open it yourself...
Mr. Bill Man."
It's fucking crazy. Man. Anthrax. This shit just don't make no sense.
Now. I'll tell you. life is so short. Y'all.
You know. Please. just realize that.
You're not promised tomorrow. you know.
You really ain't. You're not.
Every day you get a chance to wake up. you gotta really be grateful.
Most importantly. Be grateful...
and ride this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.
Live your life.
Ride this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.
When it's time to go. You're gone. Fuck it. You don't owe nobody. Fuck it.
If you do owe 'em. You're gone. They can't get it.
So now with all that... You know. that gets you down every now and then.
'Cause you see it every time you turn on the news and all that.
It's something that's gonna be with us a long time.
You know. That's just... for the rest of our lives.
I'm trying to do things that make me feel good.
Like. I'm watching Cops.
Black people. Come on. Y'all know we on Cops every fuckin' week.
Every motherfuckin' week. Cops. Black people. Starring black people.
We runnin' through the motherfucker with helicopters chasing us and shit.
Go to commercial. Come back. We still runnin' and shit.
Runnin' like a motherfucker.
You know. Just runnin' in the fuckin' street. Man.
But one thing I noticed on Cops... Is it me?
But white people get away with a lot of shit with the cops.
They talk to the cop. They talk back like a motherfucker.
They cuss their ass out. "What the fuck did you pull me over for?
I don't give a shit. I want to know what did you pull me over for.
I didn't fuckin' do nothin'. Asshole. You fuckin' asshole. You're an asshole.
You're an asshole. and you're a dick. Yes.
Fuck that. Man. You don't pull me over for nothin'.
Yeah. I know I was speeding. ya fuck. I'm in a rush.
What the fuck is wrong with you? You're an asshole.
And fuck you. You're an asshole.
And you're a dick. You know what. why don't you put your dick in your ass?
Fuck you. Fuck you. My dad's gonna have your ass.
There goes your $5 million donation. You fuck.
See your ass in court. Buddy."
They cuss the cops out like a motherfucker.
Black people. We don't do that shit no more.
Ever since that Rodney King ass-whupping. We shut the fuck up.
'Cause you never know if that shit's gonna be us on TV tomorrow on tape.
They pull us over. We... "What's the problem. Officer?
Yes. Was I what? I was speedin'? Damn.
Where's the light? I didn't even see me go through the light. Damn it.
Look here. Would you give me a ticket?
Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause I got to learn.
I got to fuckin' learn. You know.
Let me give you my full name. my middle name.
Let me spell that for you and stuff."
We only that nice 'cause we know we got some shit under the seat.
Who knows what that is? But...
Latinos. They act like they ain't from this country.
They don't speak their English when they get pulled over...
till they see that ticket price.
They get pulled over. "No. No. What I do? I don't know.
I don't know what I do.
Speedy Gonzalez? Was I caught speeding?
Don't know."
They see that ticket. "Motherfucker. This is bullshit!"
But I talk about watching positive programs. You know.
I joke about the cop shit. 'cause ain't nothin' positive about that...
gettin' arrested. I'll tell you that.
But a program that is positive. if you ever get a chance to see it...
it's called Eye on the Prize.
This program will make you cry. you know. I'm serious.
If you ever seen it. You've seen that. It's a beautiful thing.
I'll tell you. I love America.
This is the best country in the world. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
But I'm a black man. and I ain't forgot...
what the fuck we. As black people. have been through in America.
You know what I mean?
We ain't gonna just act like shit is all right...
but we gonna work towards change. to make it better.
That's what people... in this Eye on the Prize... have done for us.
They put their lives out there so that we can be in the forefront...
so that we can better ourselves.
Isn't that beautiful. When you look at Eye on the Prize...
when you think of segregation and civil rights and all those things?
When I was watching Eye on the Prize, you had Martin Luther King...
you know. great man in history...
Malcolm X... great man in history... standing up for us...
so that we could sit together. blacks and whites.
Work together. Freedom! Grow together. That's beautiful.
Martin said...
"Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
We shall overcome. I've been to the mountaintop.
Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
Malcolm said. "Yeah. but by any means necessary."
Martin said. "Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
"By any means necessary."
Martin and Malcolm were saying the same thing.
They just had different opinions and different approaches to it.
I thought that was beautiful. I said. "That's all right."
But then one day I was watchin'. and Martin Luther King...
And I'm named after Martin. I was proud. Martin!
I watched him go through Birmingham. Alabama.
And this racist white boy picked up a rock...
you know. Like a half a boulder or some shit.
He pitched that motherfucker like he was pitchin' for the Orioles...
and hit Martin in his head.
And all Martin did was say. "Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
Don't nobody do nothin'. Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
My head's bleeding right now.
Don't nobody do nothin'. We shall overcome.
I've been to the mountaintop. I'm having a dream right now. Nonviolent.
Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
I was proud. I said. "Damn.
That takes a strong man to get hit in the head...
with a half a boulder and still say 'nonviolent. ' Damn!"
But if you're like me...
then one time you would have loved to hear Martin say...
"Another one of you motherfuckers hit me with a rock...
I'll beat your bitch ass. you motherfucker.
Fuck that. Coretta. These niggers think I'm soft.
Let me show you how Martin get down. Motherfucker.
This is how Martin get down."
I know he got on his boys. I know he was here and said. "Jesse.
Damn it. Jesse. You seen who threw that fuckin' rock. Jesse.
Get off your ass and go handle that.
Stop chasing them ho's. Jesse."
Can I get a little water?
I gotta ask y'all.
There's predominantly black people in here.
They don't want you to pause in no show.
"Come on. Hurry up."
Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper's stuck. Y'all.
I warned you. Watch your mouth now.
Don't forget who the original DefJam host was. Motherfucker.
I know I'm gettin' old. Thirty-six. Man.
You know. Gettin' older. Yeah.
You don't do the same things you do when you get older.
I want to grow old gracefully. Gettin' old ain't no joke.
It's. Like. You know. When you see older people... old people...
you gotta really show 'em some respect and love...
'cause there's a lot of wisdom there.
They're livin' their life. They got seniority here in this life.
You gotta show 'em some love. Man.
I know when I get old... That's why I said until that point...
I'm gonna ride this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.
Live your life. I'm sure that's what an old person will tell you.
You think about it. You look around. This is just a body of life right here.
You got some young. You got some old and everything.
Just look around. That's what it is. It goes in a cycle.
You go young. Old. Old. Young. Young. Old. And that's it.
That's about fuckin' it. Think about it.
The shit just recycles itself. Like. The same things happen.
When you're a baby. you got one tooth.
When you get old...
you got one motherfuckin' tooth just hanging on. Just...
And that motherfucker fragiler than a motherfucker.
You gotta cut the apple to eat the shit. You know.
When you're a baby...
you know what I mean. you wear diapers.
When you get old. You got motherfuckin' adult Pampers on.
When you're a baby. you're in that little walker...
trying to strengthen your legs. tryin' to walk.
When you get old. You're in that metal motherfuckin' walker.
You got one patch of hair when you're a baby.
You got a patch of fuckin' hair when you're old.
You try to cornrow that motherfucker.
Tryin' to hang on to what little hip-hop you got left.
It's just a cycle that goes like that. That's all it is. A cycle.
When I get old... I don't give a fuck... don't do me no favors.
Leave me at home. Let me watch the birds. Like I said.
Don't be taking me to no motherfucking game.
"Martin would want to go to the basketball game."
They'd take me to the game and then announce me.
"Ladies and gentlemen. We got Martin Lawrence in the house."
I'm older than a motherfucker.
All they do is sit you up front and exploit the fuck out you.
Got the camera all in your face and shit.
You sittin' there. Can't even follow the basketball game and shit.
You down here. They playin' down this motherfucker.
Catch you falling asleep and shit.
Don't put me at no motherfuckin' game and sit me up front...
puttin' an old-ass Washington Wizard hat on me.
With Jordan's signature on the motherfucker.
Talk about... "How's he like the game?"
"He says it's wonderful." I ain't said shit.
I said. "Get my ass home. I don't want to do shit. I'm chillin'."
I'll tell you. The beauty of getting old is that you do things differently.
Know what I mean? Even your dancin' changes when you get older.
Young people. They go do all the wild stuff.
Old people don't do that. They keep it in one place. "All right. Now.
That's what I'm talking about right there.
Yeah. Ain't gonna do too much more than this here tonight.
That's right. Ain't gonna have me winded out this motherfucker all night.
I got about two more dips in me now.
One dip. All right.
That's it. That's it. One more dip. I'm done.
Shit. I'm tired. I ain't gonna be doin' that shit all night.
You tryin' to kill a motherfucker."
There's a dance out right now. A lot of people like this dance.
It's like the... What is it?
It's like the Electric Slide...
but it's not quite the Electric Slide.
The cha-cha?
Yeah. I can't stand that fuckin' dance.
That's a easy fuckin' dance. Y'all. You know that dance is easy as shit.
Come on. "Two to the right. One to the left.
Stop. Think about it."
Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
"Take your leg like this here.
Do your arm like this.
Stop. Think about it."
That bullshit.
I know the fuckin' ghetto Hokey Pokey when I hear that shit.
You know what I mean? "Do your hip like this one time.
Now keep doing your hip like this."
Get the fuck outta here.
I respect a brother's hustle. but that's bullshit. Man.
That shit easy.
You know. The thing about gettin' old. I'll tell you. Gettin' older is like...
If you have good kids and you raise good kids...
your children will take care of you when you're older.
Yeah. That's true.
That's a beautiful thing. That's what you want.
You want to raise good kids. I have two beautiful daughters.
And I'm proud of them. I love them. Thank you.
But you get... Kids will take... Good kids will take care of you.
But you know them badass kids like the motherfuckin' Menendez brothers...
you gotta whup their ass. Man. them little badass kids.
If you don't get them bad kids when they're young. They will fuck you up.
That's how them brothers did that shit to their mother and father.
They ought to have their ass kicked.
I don't like them badass kids. I tell you.
You gotta get 'em early. 'cause if you don't...
them motherfuckers will put you in time-out.
They will say. "Get your ass in time-out. Dad.
Get your fucking time-out. Dad!"
"Goddamn. What did I do there. Dave?
I don't know what the fuck I did wrong. What did I do?"
"Just shut the fuck up and get a time-out!"
You know what I mean? Telling you shit like...
"Don't touch my Twinkies in the fridge. Motherfucker.
I'll be home about 9:00."
'Cause they get all tall and lanky. and they bigger than you and shit.
Then they think they run you.
They try to run the phone that you pay the bill on.
"Hang the motherfuckin' phone up. Dad!
Hang the motherfuckin' phone up. Dad!
I'm on the phone talkin' to my homies. Nigger!"
Shit! You gotta get their little ass. Man.
You gotta let them know. You gotta put fear in their heart.
"I'm the parent. You ever raise up on me... I don't play that shit."
They gotta fear you for the rest of their life...
if they don't fear no-fucking-body else.
That is yours.
You gotta make 'em know. You gotta make 'em understand.
Don't play with Daddy. Don't play with Mama.
But you know what started some of that shit is that time-out.
White people. Y'all started that. I ain't pickin' on you.
But that time-out shit? Uh-uh! Ain't gonna work.
You know. I seen this white kid tell his mother...
"Fuck you. Mommy. You ho. You bitch. You ho. You bitch."
All she said was. "Bobby. Go to time-out.
Go to time-out. Bobby.
You have some emotional issues that you need to deal with.
Go to time-out."
And all the way to time-out. he sang this shit.
You ho, you bitch You bitch, you ho
Putting mixes on it.
Bitch, bitch ho
All my bitches Say ho
Shit! You don't tell no black parent that shit.
Fuck you, you ho You bi...
Take time-out. Pick up your teeth.
Take time-out. Pick up your wisdoms.
Take time and get my foot up out your ass.
Fuck the time-out. That shit don't work.
I know what happens is you're scared to discipline your child...
'cause now there's a law that says you can get arrested...
if you whup your child's ass.
Hey. Whup your child's ass...
if they act up.
If they're showing off...
If they're showing off. that's when you whup their ass.
Hey. Iook. I got a lot of ass-whuppings. and look at me now.
But you gotta... If they're showing off. you gotta tear their ass up.
You can't even be trippin' on that.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
I understand what the law's saying.
You can't be in the street fighting them like you're in a real fight.
Talkin' about. "Come on. Fuck that.
You're gonna eat your Rice Krispies.
You're gonna eat your Rice Krispies."
I understand that shit. But you know what you gotta do?
You gotta learn how to hit 'em quick and then walk 'em to the car.
You gotta...
Then walk 'em to the car.
"Hi. Officer. Yeah.
Oh. No. Just out taking a stroll. That's all.
Yeah. Okeydokey.
Get your ass in there!"
You're driving and shit. hit him with the seat buckle.
"Shut up! Never fuckin' embarrass me in public.
You like to got my ass arrested. I'll fuck you up!"
Shit. That's why you gotta get 'em.
You gotta scare them.
They could be babies.
Little infants. Little newborns.
You gotta let 'em know. Instill that fear that you the parent.
You gotta instill that shit in them!
You go to their motherfucking crib and wake their ass up.
"What's up. You little motherfucker? What's up?
Wake your little ass up. little nigger.
Let me tell you something. This Daddy here. Motherfucker.
You ever raise up on me. I will knock your motherfucking ass the fuck out!
Don't play with me! This Daddy. Nigger!"
You gotta catch 'em when they're coming out the pussy.
"What up. you little motherfucker?
This Daddy. Nigger! This Da...
Get your little ass here! Get off...
Get off the umbilical cord! Get the fuck off!
Let me tell you something. I will knock your motherfucking ass out!
Don't play with me!
Don't come here. start no shit!
Don't come here. start no shit!"
Best believe. That's the gift that keeps on giving.
When they 18. 19. go to them clubs and shit...
partying with their friends. forgetting everything.
They don't know nothing. Send a prerecorded tape to the DJ.
"Get your little motherfucking ass home! Nigger. Get home now!"
"Oh. Shit! I gotta go!
Oh. God! My dad's in here!
Who mixed him with Tupac? Who mixed him with Tupac?
Oh. Shit!"
Get 'em!
Like I said. That's the gift that just keeps on giving.
But that's what it's about. Man.
And those are the bad kids.
But you got good kids.
It starts even in the... in the delivery room...
like when. You know. the ladies are giving birth.
And I commend you. Ladies. That's a wonderful thing. Woman. That you do.
I commend you.
To be able to do that is... It's beautiful.
'Cause I know. Men. we couldn't do it.
If we had to have babies. there'd be one motherfucker in here.
But ladies go through that. and the strength of a woman. Man. Wow!
It's a wonderful thing. It's beautiful when you see that.
You're getting ready to have the baby. and the baby's in there.
You gotta be strong. Secure and know everything's gonna be all right.
'Cause if it's not. it'll fuck you up.
You stand there with the nurse and shit looking.
She in the hospital about to deliver that thing.
You're with the nurse. "Is she gonna be all right?
'Cause she seems like she in a lot of pain."
The nurse calming you down. You got the doctor over there.
Then all of a sudden. The baby start coming out. And you go...
"Oh. Shit! Oh. God! Oh!
Look at the head on that little motherfucker! Oh. Man!
Look at the fuckin' circumference on his head!
Oh. Shit!
He's tearing up the pussy!
That was my fit! That was my fit!
Oh. Fuck! Now look at that shit!
All these years I look for that woman...
I found her. And now the fit is all fucked up!
I don't know! Talk to the doctor.
Nothing. Baby. You're doing good. You're doing real good.
We're just talking about how. just how well you're doing.
Damn it. Iook how big that fucking hole is.
Well. You tell me. Nurse. what am I supposed... Look at that hole!
I can't follow that.
What the fuck am I supposed to do. fuck her with my knee?
Huh? Do some shit like this here?
What is that shit?
Oh. Shit.
What the fuck is that big-ass. Twisty. tied-up baby hanging on?
Oh. God. It looks like a...
Oh. That's the umbilical... Okay.
Oh. God. Oh. Shit!
I'm nauseous.
Oh. God. Oh. My God.
What is that fuckin' chitlin bag hanging out the pussy?
That's a big-ass chitlin bag.
Looks like a fuckin' gizzard bag.
Hold up. Now I'm confused.
Is she a woman. or is she a fucking turkey?
What the hell is that?"
And then...
And the baby's born.
And then you ain't as nauseous no more...
'cause you just saw the strength of a woman. And it turned you on.
You walk up to her. and the doctor clears out and stuff.
Takes off all his surgical stuff. You pass him. Damn near passing out.
Talking about. "I don't know how you do it."
And you come up to her and say. "Damn. Girl.
You did it. Baby. Yeah. You did it. You know.
You somethin'. Yeah. I'll get you some ice chips.
Hold on. Here's some ice chips. Okay. Yeah. You did it.
I appreciate you. Girl. Yeah."
And you're lookin' at her and stuff. and you look at the baby.
And you're lookin' at her and stuff. and you look at the baby.
You say. "Yeah. That's us. We did that.
It's hard to believe that the night I had your legs on the chandelier...
that's what we got.
Yeah. Wow. Wow. Baby.
I'm gonna let you get some rest. all right? I love you.
I'm gonna let you get some rest. I'll be back.
Okay. All right."
So you start walking out. and it hits you.
The strength of woman. that's a sexy fuckin' thing.
You look back at her.
She's so sexy to you now. You're ready to make another one again.
Your dick start gettin' hard. and you're looking at her.
You say. "That shit turned me on like a motherfucker."
But you can't get no pussy for six weeks.
So now you walking around. walking around.
You're in the house by yourself. You gotta go back to the hospital to check on her...
or you stay in the hospital in another room.
Keep holding your meat in your hand. You don't wanna beat your meat.
Then you go back down there. And you check on her a little bit and stuff.
You say. "Hey. You all right?
Yeah. So it's been a couple of weeks now. Girl.
Yeah. The doctor say he put the dissolve stitches in.
He said that there is a chance they could dissolve before six weeks is up.
Okay. Well. Let me take a look there. Let me take a look.
Open up. Open your legs.
Does it hurt when I do like that there?
So you don't feel this at all right here. Like that there?
You don't feel that? You don't feel that at all?
I'll wait. Shit!"
Then you can't get titty for. Like. A year.
Ayear you can't get titty?
How long. Ladies. Is it exactly that you can breast-feed?
- Five years! - Somebody say five years?
Five years? Oh. Shit.
That ain't breast-feeding. That's incest.
You're walking around with a grown person on your titty.
"He's just a little big for his age."
That motherfucker draggin' his feet. sucking titty.
Fuck that.
Man. You can't get no titty for that long. A year. Whatever. Man?
That's hard. 'cause I'm a titty man.
Ooh. I love the titty.
Mm-hmm. It's all right to applaud the titties. It's all right.
I don't give a fuck what size the titties are.
They could be big titties. Just give me a day to work on them.
'Cause I like to detail a titty real nice.
You know what I mean? Oh. I like titties.
Big titties. Small titties...
big nipple titties or small nipple titties.
You know. it can't just be a nipple.
Okay? Cause I don't want to feel like I'm kissing on Earl or shit like that.
But there gotta be a little cushion up under that nip.
Just a little cushion up under the nip. then we be all right.
I don't give a damn. They could be saggy titties...
titties that hang to this side...
titties that hang to that side...
titties that hang over the fucking back.
The ones that get smushy when you put your finger in 'em...
and you take your hand off. They still got fingerprints in the motherfucker.
Stretch mark titties. I don't give a damn.
I lick between the lines.
Like a stamp.
I likes a titty.
And when you can't get that titty. you miss it...
'cause the baby got the titty on lockdown.
Baby at home...
And you see your wife or your lady laying in the bed.
You see the baby on one titty and you... "Damn. Why can't I get some of the tit?"
You know there's an extra titty.
You're like. "I want some. I want some."
You try to ease over there. Get a little lick of the titty that's open.
"No. Don't do that!" "Shit. It's a free titty."
"Don't do that! It's for the baby.
I gotta switch the baby over."
You're looking. Like. "Damn!" You try to make up excuses.
"Shit. I got stronger jaws. I'm trying to help suck the milk up for the baby."
"You've been drinking. haven't you?
Don't do that. You'll get alcohol on the titty.
You're gonna get the baby drunk. Don't do that."
And the baby make the titty look good. Don't they?
Babies show you what titty's all about.
And they look at you and roll their eyes.
They will fuckin' show you what a titty is all about. Man.
Those are some of the things you go through. Man. In this here life.
Round of applause. all the couples that are married.
Well. Congratulations to all four of you.
Now. I used to... I used to be married.
I'm not married no more. We got a divorce. It just didn't work out.
But it's hard... You know. When you...
When you say. "I will marry you" or "Will you marry me?"
that's like saying. "Oh. Shit!"
That's why they line you up like fighters and shit.
And guys be looking at each other. Going...
"You know. When I finish announcing these vows...
come out swingin' like a motherfucker...
'cause it's gonna be a barn burner."
But all this shit happens at first. getting ready for the ceremony.
And then you gotta fill out paperwork...
like if you feel as though you have something...
that you want to be exclusively yours. you gotta fill out IOU's.
I'm sorry. I meant "prenuptials."
That's some hard shit. To tell somebody that you love 'em...
and then the prenuptial comes into play. but I guess it is what it is.
But a person will do that. "You know. I love you.
"We about to do this thing. Girl.
Yeah. Yeah. We about to get married.
I'm so proud of you. So glad we can make this happen.
Yeah. You know. What excites me about this...
is that. For the rest of our lives. we're gonna be together.
And. You know. That can't be changed. You know.
And your world. You know. is gonna be joined with my world.
My world joined with your world.
And that's a beautiful thing. We're gonna have one big world.
That's right. That's right.
That's right. I love you too. Yeah.
I need you to fill out this paper that say...
Yeah. I just need you to sign this here.
It say if your world fuck up my world. Okay...
you don't get shit out of my world. Okay?
You just go the fuck on back to your world."
That's a hard thing to do with them prenups and stuff.
Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the prenuptials?
Okay. Wow! Y'all believe in that.
Wow. Who don't believe in it?
Overruled. Overruled!
I see you say. "Uh-uh." You don't believe in that.
That's cool. That's cool 'cause you believe that if it's love...
let it be pure and just roll with that...
and let the heart take over and see what happens.
That's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing.
So let me ask you... This is hypothetically speaking here.
Let's say we was getting married or some shit. Right?
This is hypothetical. Okay?
And coming into the marriage. going in...
I got 400 million. let's say.
And that's what I'm coming in with...
and... you comin' in with a bag.
You still think you should get some of that 400 mil?
- Half and half. - Yeah. You be leaving.
"Damn. That's fucked up.
You could put something in this bag."
I guess I can't answer that. I guess to each his own.
Fellas. I don't know. I ain't no doctor.
I ain't no psychologist. But I'm gonna tell you like this.
If a woman tell you she a virgin and you gettin' ready to marry her...
test that pussy out before you marry her.
That's just the way it goes. Don't do it.
Don't get into it. and then it ain't what you want.
You never know. You gotta test that pussy out.
'Cause if you marry 'em and then get it...
and wind up falling in the pussy. you'd be. "Oh. Shit!"
You'd be in the land of Oz out that motherfucker.
"Where the fuck am I? Is this fallopian? Is this fallopian?"
So you gotta test it out.
It's just like you test-drive a car or something.
You take a car around the corner. bring it back to the dealer...
"Naw. I ain't gonna be able to get this. Cuz.
Yeah. Naw. Naw. Naw. Naw. Fuck that. Dude.
The wheels. They don't rotate right on this motherfucker."
Test it out. If you don't check before you get married. Fuck around...
wind up marrying a hermaphrodite.
That's right. You thought that was a big-ass clit.
Turned out to be a dick.
Now you fucked up. You're..."Oh. Shit."
Can't talk to your boys and shit. "What's up. Dog?"
"I married somebody with a fuckin' dick I thought was a clit."
You don't want to do that.
Clit so big. it looked like a thumb.
So check it out. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.
Ladies. The same with you.
Don't marry no man that you don't know what you gettin'.
Yeah. You gotta marry that man. you gonna know what you gettin'.
'Cause if not. you marry him and don't know...
you gonna be a bitter housewife on the phone with your girlfriend. Crying...
"You ain't gonna believe this shit. Girl.
Damn it. You ain't gonna believe this shit. Girl!
This motherfucker can't do nothin'. Girl.
The best thing about it was the ceremony. Girl.
Ah. Shit! He noodle dick. Girl."
You don't want to go through that.
That's why what you do...
you tell the man... You grab him. Iook at it.
Look at the dick. Grab it in your hand. Look at it.
You know what I mean? Hold it. Become the dick.
And look at it. Look on the head.
Look on the sides. Look up under the balls.
Look at it and ask questions.
"What's those two bumps right there?
What's those two bumps on your helmet?
Well. Have you tried putting Mercurochrome on that?
No. You haven't. Huh? Okay.
Why you got a boil up under your balls?
That is a boil. Okay?
That is not a hair bump. That is a boil.
Uh-huh. Okay. Hold up. Wait.
Fuck this. Hold on. Wait.
Okay. Now you got a boil...
two balls and two bumps?
Uh-uh. I ain't gonna be able to do it.
No. I ain't gonna be able to do it.
I am not marrying no Nutty Buddy.
I'm not gonna be able to do it.
That is too many bumps on one dick. Uh-uh.
Dick look like a Crunch Bar. I'm sorry. I just...
I can't do it. I won't do it. I just won't."
Talk and communicate... so you know these things.
And so you check... You know what you're getting and you can be happy.
Make him get butt naked. Tell your man. "Butt naked."
Tell him to line up right. Look at him.
Make sure the dick is in line right.
Make sure it's straight. Make sure. Okay?
If you don't do that. You'll wind up marrying a motherfucker...
with a hook in his dick.
Gotta fuck you like this.
You don't want that. You don't need that pressure.
You should not have to go around the corner every time he wants to fuck.
"It's just better for my balance. I got you. You feel me now?
You feel me now. Don't you? You feel me?"
Chasing you around the room and shit.
So please. Check all those things.
And then when you're ready to get married. You get married.
And you're ready for the ceremony.
Ladies love them ceremonies. Don't you. Ladies?
You love to invite people you love and people you hate.
And look at them women that's looking at you going. "Look at me. Bitch.
Look how I float. Bitch."
And ladies love to wear that white.
With the veil and wear that white.
'Cause white stands for pure.
White. Pure. White. Come on!
Some of y'all need to be wearing dark black.
Tease 'em taupe.
Sneaky salmon.
Money green. All that shit.
Talkin' about wearing white...
knowing they done fucked the usher last week.
Come on. Now. Wear your color.
That's all I ask. Wear your color.
Marriage. Man. It's hard. It ain't easy.
I'll tell you. One thing I did come to learn.
A lot of people that are married. you know. Either...
Someone in the marriage either smokes herb or drinks.
"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." That's some true shit. Ain't it?
I got some partners. "Yeah. Yeah. I got to go home to the wife. Yo.
She get on my nerves every time I go in that motherfuckin' door.
Yeah. Yeah. Roll me one of them blunts. Joe.
Roll me one of them motherfuckers. Yeah. Make that a fat one. Man.
When I smoke that shit. Man. That bitch look like Janet Jackson. Nigger."
Or they drink. If you check all the bars. They're mostly married men.
Just look at it. They're mostly married. and they in there dreading going home.
They in the bar. "Oh. Shit.
Make me another drink. Earl. Oh. God. I got to go home to the wife.
Yeah. I don't know. Earl. You know what? Make it a double.
She wants to fuck tonight. Oh. God. Well. Here's to her. Oh. God."
They go in the house. "Honey. I'm home." They start drinking some more.
The in-house drunk is a motherfuck...
'cause he says things when he gets drinkin'...
and once that alcohol hits his system...
that he probably is just out of order for sayin'.
But he don't realize it 'cause he's so drunk. And now...
that liquor taps into his emotions. and he starts tellin' this woman...
everything he's been wantin' to say when he was sober.
But he don't have the courage to say it when he's sober...
and he says it when he's drunk.
"Darlin'. Do me a favor. will you? Mm-hmm.
Yes. Baby. It's so good. I'm glad I'm home. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I think about you all day. Mm-hmm. I'm glad.
Do me a favor. Never mind all that. Would you make me a drink. Darlin'?
Yeah. Uh-huh. Just a little Courvoisier.
Put a little something in that glass for me right there. Darlin'.
Thank you so much. Baby.
Yeah. That's good Courvoisier.
Make you say yea.
Darlin'. Put a couple of cubes of ice in there. Cut that warmth off for me.
Thank you. Baby. Mm-hmm.
That is a good drink there!
That is a good drink there!
That's my drink there.
That is my drink.
Can I ask you something?
When the fuck you gonna grow your hair back?
I'm tired. Yes. I said. Yes. Tired.
Uh-huh. You're a bald-headed little motherfucker.
You told me you was gettin' the...
the Halle Berry look.
Halle Berry don't look like that.
I feel like you set me up.
I don't give a shit.
Darlin'. Put one more cube of ice in there for me.
Cut that warmth. Thank you. Doll.
That was good.
Can I ask you something?
How is it you got more motherfuckin' shavin' bumps than me?
How you got more?
How is it you got more?
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
Every week. You tellin' me...
you gonna get your lip waxed.
You might as well just let 'em take the whole lip.
'Cause that shit sitting out there like Sasquatch.
Fuck that. Fuck that.
If I wanted to marry Scottie from the Whisper Bitch...
I would've married him.
Motherfucker. Fuck that. Fuck that. I said it. Huh?
That's because I feel bad about it. Girl. Okay?
I said. 'Okay? '
Okay? You didn't talk to me about it.
When you first gained five pounds...
that was cute.
I'm-a admit. I'm-a admit that. Okay? That was cute.
But 75 pounds? Goddamn!
What kind of fuckin' fool you take me for?
My motherfuckin' ankles is still swollen...
from the last time we toyed around.
Look at you. Oh. God. Look at you.
That is a good drink there.
I remember when I met you.
You was a 115 tender bone.
Yes. You was.
You was the finest thing my eyes ever seen.
You was a round-the-way girl.
Now you just a big bitch from up the street.
Goddamn! Huh?
I don't give a damn.
Don't give a damn.
And I don't like your mother and your family.
I don't like none of you motherfuckers.
Every year... Every year we gotta do the family thing.
Everybody brings potluck.
Fuck that! None of you motherfuckers can cook.
And your mother... Tell her to stay the fuck out of my face.
Always in my face.
'How was my macaroni and cheese? '
It's fucked up. Bitch!
Don't nobody put pasteurized cheese in macaroni and cheese.
You got to use cheddar.
Cheddar's what you use.
My mama taught me that.
I don't care!
I'm looking at you. and I can't imagine it.
There should be a clause in my contract that says...
if your ass gets bigger than what you weighed in when we married...
I don't have to fuck with you.
Fuck it. Be a man.
You was... When I first met you... Darlin'. I'm gonna say this.
You were looking good from afar.
Now you're just far from looking good.
I don't like you...
and you don't like me. Okay?
I'm taking karate every day!
I'm taking kung fu.
I'm taking jujitsu.
I'm taking all the martial arts.
I'm trying to master that shit...
so I can figure out how to choke the fucking life out your ass...
without them tracing it back to forensics...
you big bitch. You.
You know what?
Let me put this drink down before I say some shit I shouldn't say."
Wow. But you know the ladies ain't gonna let you get away with that shit.
You gonna pay the price for that. You know what I mean?
'Cause she will wake your ass up. cuss you out..."Fuck you! Get your ass up!"
You wake up and you don't even know why you're up or what happened.
"What's the problem?" "You know what the problem is. You dirty bastard!
I got big 'cause I don't want your ass. Motherfucker.
You're so ugly. you look like we got a dog.
That's what the neighbors think. you bastard."
They get angry.
They will take it in. And they will be quiet and let you talk shit and all that...
but they getting you back.
If you ever wake up sore... I mean. Really fucked up. Hurtin'...
nine times out of ten you got your ass whupped in your sleep.
And the only reason why you didn't wake up is 'cause you was out.
That liquor had your ass out.
They running through the motherfuckin' house...
You wake up the next day...
"My neck!
My motherfucking neck!
I don't know what's wrong with me!
I don't know what's wrong... This morning...
What's wrong with me?"
She just gonna look at you...
"Maybe you should stop drinking Courvoisier."
Be careful. Man. That shit can happen.
I don't know if you guys saw the film.
It kind of highlighted my life.
You know. Through it all...
I come to learn what I got to do in my life...
What we all gotta do in our life is ride this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.
We gotta live. Ride it till the wheels fall off.
You might have looked at the tape. It said one day I was...
I was out in the street.
This is some shit they said about... They had it highlighted.
They said I was out in the street...
and I was yelling stuff out in the street and doing stuff.
Listen. Y'all. I was married at the time.
Now. I'm not blaming that for that. Okay?
But. Okay. At the time... I'm gonna tell you what happened.
'Cause that's how they put their story down. Okay?
I'm gonna tell it. But that's how they do theirs.
But. See. L...
The day that all that went down...
I'm gonna tell it.
The day that all that went down...
I was married. And the wife asked me to go to the store to get something to eat.
And being the good husband that I am. I said. "Sure. I'll go."
Now that I think about it. I don't know why I was out there...
getting something to eat at McDonald's...
when. As hard as I work. I should've had a home-cooked fuckin' meal.
You know?
But then again...
I should've asked that question that day.
So I go out in the street...
and I go to run across the street... I was trying to catch the light.
I go to run across the street and...
because how the light changed. I got caught in the middle of the street.
Next thing I know. they got firemen. They got ambulance...
they got the police. Everybody out there with guns... all of'em had guns...
just because I tried to run across the street.
No. I'm fucking with you. I was higher than a motherfucker. Y'all.
I was high as shit!
Oh. My fuckin' goodness!
I was smokin' that ooh-wee!
That shit done had me all lunch-box.
I should have known something was wrong.
I start blazin' that shit. and I knew I started seeing blue smoke...
but the shit didn't hit me till I'm walking in the street.
Some shit said. "Run real fast right now."
Fuckin' runnin' in the street!
Fuckin' with the ooh-wee!
I'm running like crazy.
What kind of shit has the dope man sold me?
I'm in that motherfucker just ducking cars. Fucking with the cars...
jumping out the way. fucking with the cars and shit.
Next thing you know. the motherfucking...
police and firemen and the ambulance...
"Mr. Lawrence. Son. What's wrong? Calm down!"
And I'm up there looking at them. all crazy.
They looking at me. I'm looking at them.
I start singing... How come I feel like
Somebody's watching me
I start singing Rockwell up in that motherfucker.
I said. "That dope man done sold me the ooh-wee."
Oh. Shit.
I seen all of them. And I thought my audience had changed...
so I start performing for 'em. dancing and shit.
Fuckin' with that ooh-wee. Man.
My damn...
My arm hit my jacket...
and my jacket flew open.
And they gonna say I had a gun 'cause my jacket...
I did have a gun.
That's true. I did.
But I ain't have it to hurt nobody.
I just have it 'cause I'm by myself. I didn't know if somebody would jump me.
Bang-bang-bang-bang. Trigger tai chi.
I didn't know. You know.
But I wasn't trying to hurt nobody.
Next thing you know...
when they saw that gun. these motherfuckers loaded up.
Every one of them... the firemen. ambulance. Everybody pulled out guns.
Yes. Sir. And I heard somebody yell. "Nigger with gun! Nigger with gun!"
They got ready to fire.
I passed out like a motherfucker.
Somebody done fucked around and sold me the ooh-wee.
I passed the fuck out. Y'all.
And I'm on the motherfuckin'...
I wake up. I don't know. ten minutes. Fifteen...
I wasn't countin' time.
And they had me on a gurney...
with cameramen and everybody in my fuckin' face...
flashing pictures for y'all to see on the news.
Then they put me in a... in a paddy wagon...
They want to show that they cared...
but I'm lunchin'. So they're gonna take me to jail or some shit.
So they're ready to take me to jail. but I'm in there talking shit...
singing on the bed. Or the gurney. laying there singing shit.
That just didn't sound right..."We're gonna have to take you to the precinct."
And I'm lunchin' and shit. and I say...
"Monkeys like to play volleyball."
I'm laying there...
"Pit bulls like to wear Jordans."
That's when they realized I was sicker than they thought.
They said. "He's got something in his system that got him sick-witted.
Fuck taking him to jail. Let's take him to the hospital."
Them motherfuckers rushed me to the hospital...
put me in a padded room with just a big-ass mirror...
where you could kind of see through... You knew they was on the other side.
And I didn't help. 'cause I'm still in there lunchin' and shit.
Working on moves and shit.
Two to the right.
One to the left.
Think about it.
Fuckin' lunchin'.
Then a doctor came in. Y'all.
He was a fan of the show. And he really wanted to see me get out of there.
He said. "Listen. Son. I'm a doctor. I'm not here to hurt you."
I'm moving. Can't stay still. and he's a little nervous.
He said. "I don't know what happened. but you almost got yourself killed.
You were carrying a firearm. and I don't know what you were thinking.
But listen. We ran tests. We checked your blood. Son.
And we can't find anything in your blood."
For a second I was sober... "What the dope man done sold me?"
You know. When they can't find it in your blood?
So he said. "I wanna help you get the fuck home.
I wanna get you out of here and back to your family.
But you're gonna have to help me to help you. That's what you can do.
I need to know what you were smoking...
and who sold it to you."
I sobered up for about 30 seconds.
"I can't tell you that. Doc.
That's a street code. We never tell. What the fuck you talking about?"
That's what I told him.
"You trying to get me fucked up by the dope man?"
Then it was time for me to go. 'cause I was together.
The ooh-wee had got out of my system.
I couldn't believe I was out on the street lunchin'.
I had the hottest show on. I couldn't believe these things was happening.
Marriage was on the brink. All kind of shit after that.
But before I left the hospital...
I got your love. And I felt your love and support for me.
You know?
And it was a beautiful thing. and I thank each and every one of you.
That meant a lot to me.
It truly meant a lot to me. so I'm forever grateful.
And I tell you...
celebrities came up to see me when I was in the hospital.
It was kinda wild. They came to see me.
Magic Johnson came to see me when I was in the hospital.
When I was going through one of my hardest times. He came and said...
"Martin. What are you doin'. Boy?
What are you doing out on the street. doing that crazy stuff like that. Man?
You gotta take care of yourself. You got a hot show. Don't blow it. Man.
You got to be like 'Show time!"'
That was a beautiful thing for Magic to give me that advice.
So since I had him there. I took the opportunity to ask him...
to get me on the Lakers.
And he said. "Sure. Mar. I'll see what I can do. Mar."
I know he went home and told Cookie. "Yeah. That motherfucker in bad shape.
He wanted to take Derek Fisher's job. I don't know what the fuck he's thinking."
So finally I got out of the hospital.
That was one thing I went through. I couldn't believe it. Fucked up.
I said. "Now I got the embarrassment hanging over me."
I never really wanted to go down that way.
But I had to move on. So...
I'm trying to get it together.
Couldn't really go home. 'cause it wasn't really going so well at home.
So I did what we all do when we're trying to get our life together...
I went to a club.
I'm out that motherfucker. Man...
I'm at the club dancing. Minding my business. Doing the ladies dance.
I'm a little off. Though. I ain't on the right dances yet.
I'm still on some old shit.
And some. You know... I don't know what this motherfucker was.
He bumped into me. And I said. "Watch yourself. Partner."
Then he go and push me.
I punched that boy in his mouth.
We rumblin' in there.
Then everybody clears out.
I'm rumblin'. Everybody clears out. Even he cleared out.
I said. "Damn. I know I can rumble. but hot damn!
Shouldn't have started it if you wasn't gonna finish."
So he runs out. And then all these damn cops come in...
about 30 fucking cops with shotguns and shit...
all for little-ass Martin.
Thirty cops. You'd have thought I was bin Laden.
They came in that motherfucker... "Mr. Lawrence!"
I fainted again.
How come I feel like somebody's watching me?
Next thing you know. They put me in jail. This time I didn't get off easy.
They said. "Fuck it.
On Ventura we didn't take you to jail. but now we're taking your ass to jail."
When I woke up. they had me ready to go.
I knew I was getting ready to go fuck around with them hardheads up in there.
I wasn't trying to get them to come at me right here...
so I jumped down and did some pushups.
I said. "Wait. Officer. let me do a few of these."
And I got real "deezed" on 'em.
My arms was hawked up a little bit...
so I could go up in that motherfucker and bang with these niggers.
"What? What. Nigger. What?"
So they take me to the precinct and throw me in the cell by myself.
So I'm sittin' in that motherfucker with the arms all swolled...
chest all "deezed."
Nobody to rumble out that motherfucker.
They said. "The best way to get back at Martin... let him stay by hisself."
The next thing you know. An hour go by. my "deez" drops a little bit.
Another hour go by. and they drop a little more.
About four hours go by. I'm holding my arms. Going. "Oh. Bitch.
I'm sorry!
He hit me first!
I'm not an animal!
I'm not an animal."
Finally they let me up out the motherfucker.
I'm getting ready to get outta there. thinking I'm going home and shit...
and they hand me a paper to go to court.
I go to court.
The judge I had was this. You know... he was a cool. Young white dude.
Didn't take no shit. But straight to the point. Tell you how it is.
He said. "Martin. What the fuck are you doing in my courtroom?
I wanna know why the fuck are you in my courtroom.
I don't understand that.
Whoa. Whoa. You mean I go to have my bagel and coffee this morning...
I look at the paperwork. And your fucking name is on my fucking desk?
What are you thinking? You know what you're doing?
You're making an ass out of yourself and you're blowing it. Kid.
You're blowing it.
You're in a position to do what a lot of people would love to do...
and you're throwing it away.
You're becoming a menace to society. and it doesn't even make sense.
Why don't you use all this exposure and shit to do something positive. Martin?
'Cause you're in my courtroom. I will lock your fucking ass up.
I don't give a shit. I will lock you up.
Yes. I'm down with the brothers and the homies. I will lock your ass up.
I put someone away about a year ago. His name was Tank.
He thought he was bad. Now his name is Tina.
And Tina's wearing little tankies. Martin.
You need to get your shit together or leave it alone. I'll lock your ass up.
Okay? Ask Gary Coleman."
I said. "Oh. Shit!
You're right. I'll get it together. You're right.
I'll get it together."
And he said. "Not without probation."
And I said. "Never again. Never again."
I said. "Martin..." I asked myself. I said...
"How did you go through all that? How... That's stupid.
What you have gotten to do in your lifetime...
a lot of people would love to do.
Fortunately. God has blessed you with a gift to make people laugh...
and to do some very special things in life.
And you come that far to throw it away?"
Then it hit me. I said. "Nah."
I didn't want to keep jumping on myself and keep feeling down about myself.
I said. "Nah." But then it hit me. You know what?
I said. "I'm only human."
If I'm crucified for being a human. then so be it.
Because no one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.
No one.
No matter what you do. you are not immune...
to the trials and tribulations of life.
As I got out...
and tried to get myself together...
I stopped fuckin' with the ooh-wee 'cause it wasn't for me.
That's a start.
So I got it together. I kept movin'.
I said. "Let me get my life together." and as I'm getting my life together...
I'm dealing with the motherfuckers writing bullshit about me...
saying negative things about me.
All these devils that just wanna take God's child out.
Here goes all these rumors.
Here goes all these rumors writin' about me.
I see on the paper. one of'em says...
"Martin tries to jump out of a plane...
using his jacket as a parachute."
As I'm trying to get my life together. they're gonna write that bullshit.
I know damn well you can't jump out no plane...
using your jacket as a parachute.
Shit. I know you got to use your pants.
They don't think I know this shit.
So I said. "Fuck that."
Then I was trying to get my dating scene on. Find a lady in my life.
Then I was trying to get my dating scene on. Find a lady in my life.
'Cause I wasn't married no more. so I'm running around. You know...
"What's up. Miss lady? How you doin'?" And they was believing that shit.
I'd say. "Hello." They'd say. "Ah. You crazy. Ain't you?"
Girl. Don't fuck with him. He crazy.
That motherfucker probably got a Glock on him. Don't fuck with him."
I couldn't believe it. So then I said. "Fuck the rumors.
Fuck what they say. Fuck what they write. 'cause I'm gonna be all right."
And that's what I did. I went running.
I went jogging.
I went running.
I was trying to get my mind together.
I'm out there. I'm running. and I'm jogging...
and I'm thinking. "Somewhere there's got to be a love for me."
I'm doing my jogging. listening to the headphones...
but I happen to go jogging...
on the fuckin' hottest day...
of the fuckin' summer!
And a nigger pass out!
I passed the fuck out.
Lyin' in shit on the lawn.
Can't believe that. As if I didn't have enough shit going on in my life.
Now I'm back on the motherfucking scene passed out by shit on a lawn.
Neighbors walking by. seeing me laying there.
My white neighbors didn't wanna bother me.
"Isn't that Martin laying on his lawn?
Why doesn't he go in the house?"
"I don't know. But that's that nigger's house. Let him lay there."
But my lady found me. She called the ambulance.
And I'm forever grateful to her. My family. All of them.
They was instrumental in being a part of saving my life.
But they didn't think I was here. Y'all...
'cause I was laying on the ground. and that sun was frying my head...
in a skull cap. in a fuckin' wool-ass hat.
It was fryin' my shit.
So they think. "Oh. Man!" They checked my pulse. They couldn't find no pulse.
My temperature was 10 7.
So the ambulance drivers leaned over. couldn't feel the pulse.
They said. "Fuck it. This nigger gone.
You wanna stop at the liquor store?"
"Yeah. Pick up some Courvoisier. Fuck that."
But they get me to the hospital on time.
I'm thankful to all of them... the doctors and nurses. The ambulance.
But one thing they gonna do... I'm 10 7. They needed to put me on ice.
They put me on nothing but ice. They put ice all over my body.
Butt naked.
Damn it!
Now. I don't mind that.
I'm hot? Cool me off.
But I was butt-naked. And I didn't have the weight in my meat I usually have.
So I'm out there like this on ice.
And they around me taking pictures and shit...
laughing at me!
I'm gonna fight that in court. I'm gonna deal with that.
'Cause somebody could've put an ice cube under my balls...
and swolled it up a little or something.
Come on. Now. I'm a black man. Y'all.
But they didn't do that.
My family was there.
The doctors tried to tell them to go home. They said. You know...
And I love them and thank them so much for never giving up on me...
because. Had they gone home. I probably wouldn't even be here. You know.
My brother...
Yeah. Thank you. I applaud 'em. All of'em.
My whole family. I love 'em.
Yeah. It was rough.
My brother scared the doctor. 'cause he didn't wanna hear that. He's military.
"What the fuck you talking about? What?
Nigger. I'm gonna walk down the street.
When I get back. Keep talking that shit you talking. Doc.
Better pull out a stethoscope. motherfucker. Or something."
That's when they started working on me. Them doctors did all they could.
And I thank them for that.
But as much as I thanked them. I gave God the glory...
for bringing me back.
I give him the glory. No question.
I thank him. You know...
for putting his children out there around me to help me.
So I woke up three days later.
Being out for three days was some of the best sleep I ever got.
I woke up. Everybody was happy to see me..."We love you! We love you!"
"Ain't nothin' wrong with my hearing."
I had a tube in my mouth. I had a catheter in my dick.
I thought my dick had grew.
Shit. It was a damn catheter.
I didn't know how they got that catheter in there.
They couldn't have got that shit in there if I was woke. I'll tell you that.
So I had to learn to talk again.
I had to learn to walk again.
I had to learn to do all these things we generally take for granted.
It come not so easy. I had to learn to do that shit again.
My show was running on the air. I got movies out...
but I can't go to premieres and shit because I can't walk.
Can't do all this shit.
So I said. "Fuck it. I gotta work hard to get better."
So they put me in a room and gave me a bell.
They said. "If you need help. Hit this bell and we'll come in and help you.
The nurse will come help you."
This catheter was attached to a tank that had...
It's where your piss goes.
One day I tried to get up and forgot I couldn't walk...
and the whole piss tank fell.
I ring the bell.
"I dropped my piss!"
So the nurse came in. and the nurse was fine.
She was so fine. you'd go. "Goddamn!"
She cleaned up the piss.
This fine. Professional woman started cleaning up the piss.
She talked to me and said. "Don't be embarrassed. This is gonna happen.
But if you think you have to go to the bathroom or want to try to get up...
ring your bell and I'll help you.
But don't try to get up. all right?"
I said. "Thank you."
But I forgot.
Tried it. Piss everywhere.
"I dropped my piss."
"Mr. Lawrence. Don't try to get up. Just ring your bell.
That's what I'm here for."
Then one day I was looking at something on TV. And I laughed.
And I shitted on myself.
It was that borderline...
It was just really all soft shit...
because I only had liquids in me.
It just smeared all around my fuckin' thigh...
and it was stinkin' like a motherfucker.
I was gonna ring the bell. And I said. "I can't call that fine motherfucker.
I can't tell that fine motherfucker that I done shitted on myself.
I can't tell her. I know she got a fine friend...
that know a fine friend.
All the fine ones gonna know I shitted."
I couldn't do it. I'm holding my nose. I couldn't take it no more.
It was cuttin' through my passages.
"I shitted on myself."
And this fine woman...
came in...
and cleaned up the shit.
She was so patient with me.
"Mr. Lawrence. I know you're a little embarrassed. But these things happen.
Now. I told you. Your bowels... your muscles are not strong.
So don't worry about it.
There's no need to be embarrassed. These things happen.
This is the hospital. Don't worry about it."
And then she started cleaning me.
And she cleaned. And she wiped.
I looked at her.
This woman was cleaning doo-doo...
off me.
And I said...
I started falling in love.
Now. Man...
that was a beautiful thing for them to do... for her to do.
After that. I shitted maybe seven more times. I would say.
Went from hard shit to doodle balls. all kinds of shit.
Shit with corn in it.
And she cleaned it up.
About the tenth doo-doo. she was madder than a motherfucker.
All that professional went out the window.
"All right. Mr. Lawrence!
Now. This shit don't make no sense!
You too grown for this shit!
You been in this hospital all this time. And you ain't worked your fuckin' muscles yet?
Shittin' all over the place. That's just not cute.
And you gonna act like you wanna get with me. I don't want no shitty man.
Talkin' about 'Martin! Martin! ' Should be Shitty Martin."
Scared me so bad. I just stopped shittin' for a while.
Didn't do nothin'.
I think she quit after that. They said she was gone. Couldn't find her nowhere.
Said she couldn't take the shit off Martin no more. She was tired of it.
I think I shitted one more time. and I just sat in that.
"I will not tell nobody."
And the whole room was funky.
It was so stinky. "Fuck it. My pride won't let me tell nobody.
'Cause I don't want them to get angry with me no more."
I tied a pillowcase around my head and around my nose...
and cut out the eyes.
I was in there looking like a shitty superhero.
And then they motherfuckin' came in the room and shit.
You know. They could smell. 'cause it was messing up the hospital.
They thought they was gonna have to quarantine the hospital.
They found it was me sittin' in shit. and I started blaming people.
I was in denial.
"There's a serial shitter going around.
He broke in and put the drawers on me.
He went that-a-way."
But one thing I can say...
honestly. Truly from the heart that I learned...
from. You know. Ventura...
the gun. Assault. Whatever... fights and coma and all that.
One thing I truly learned...
is that we fall down...
but we get up.
Thank you.
Will all the people who like sex...
All the people who like safe sex.
Sex is good. I love sex.
That's a good thing. Isn't it? I love sex.
I love everything about it.
Just not all the crazy stuff.
Ladies. I love that oral sex.
I love when you do me. I really do. I really do.
You gotta soak. You know.
If I'm gonna do that. you gotta clean it well.
Because. Guys. If you ever caught a bad one. That shit will scar you...
for the rest of your fucking life.
You ever go down and it smell like...
you will be fucked up.
Shit smell like. "Oh. No."
So if you clean it right. we don't have to go through that.
'Cause. Ladies. You don't like a man with a stinky dick. Am I correct?
You would let a man know in a minute.
"Your balls stink.
Your balls stink!"
I got a woman right now suing me.
No. Not 'cause of stinky dick.
She gonna say I gave her high blood pressure...
'cause I had salt on my balls.
I said. "I thought you liked your meat seasoned. Baby. What's the problem?"
But sex is good. Sex is good.
Do it when you get the chance to do it. Have fun.
Make love. Let it blossom. but do it right.
That weird sex shit? Who is out here doing that weird sex shit?
Who's doing that?
Stop that shit. You know who you are.
Pissing on people?
That is not lovemaking. Stop getting that...
"You like that?
Let me drink two more cups of water. and I got a little more for you."
Cut it out!
Cut out doing that weird sex shit.
And whoever is doing that S&M. Stop it.
Listen. If you wanna do a little something. You just gotta be gentle.
Is it called S&M... S&M?
I don't do it. so I don't know.
Listen. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little pop on the ass.
I'm a pop-on-the-ass man. I know how to do it though.
I been trained for that and everything.
They show you how you're supposed to do that.
One leg here. the other leg here.
When you pop. you come up off it like that.
See? That means you're not actually trying to hurt 'em.
You're just trying to make them feel that sting.
But when you pop and plow 'em into the fucking wall...
then it's starting to get brutal.
You don't want that. That's brutal sex.
You don't wanna pull your dick out...
and then drop your foot on the back of their neck.
You don't wanna take hot curlers and burn their stomach.
Talkin' about. "You love me? You love me?"
That's just not what you wanna do.
I seen some white boy tell his lady. "Kick me in my balls real hard.
Right now."
"Fuck. Yeah! Yeah!"
I seen a lady have her nipples clamped to the door...
and have somebody slam the door.
"Oh. Yeah! Yeah!
Now take 'em off the hinges and throw the doors.
Yeah! Yeah!"
So please...
be gentle with that.
And who is puttin' gerbils in their ass?
Stop it!
Them gerbils ain't done nothin' to nobody.
Them little rodents ride that wheel. you snatch 'em. Put 'em in your ass.
Stop that. I hope they scratch your ass out.
Hope you wind up in a hospital sounding like a Chinese movie.
"Doctor! Doctor!
The rodent's up in my ass!"
Scratch his ass out. Little rodent. Scratch his ass out.
You know the doctor gonna tell you. "I can get him out.
But first you're gonna have to fill out some paperwork."
"Hurry up. Doctor! Hurry up. Doctor!"
So please...
be cautious with your sex. be gentle with your sex.
Be gentle with your lovemaking. Love one another.
Another thing. Fellas.
Have you ever...
been doing it so good...
so wonderful...
The mood is right.
The lights are dim.
It's probably dark...
but not quite dark. 'cause your bodies. They silhouette.
You can see each other.
The music is going. It seems to be going with your emotion and your flow.
Everything's working that night.
"Ooh. Girl.
Why you do this to me. Girl?
Oh. That is so nice.
It's so moist. So wet.
Wow. It's so hot."
And you're going. "My goodness. Girl.
You just so wet.
What. You gettin' extra wet for me tonight?
Extra. Extra. Extra?"
All over you. You can feel it all over your thighs. Everywhere.
Then you get up and you cut on the lights.
Blood every-fucking-where.
It looks like a fucking massacre.
You look at your dick like it's a knife. "Why? Why?"
You look at the bed. It looks like a crime scene.
"Why? Why. Why. Why?"
You look at her.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Ladies got the perfect answer.
"You must have brought it down!"
God bless.
Ride this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.
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My Beautiful Laundrette
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
My Boss My Hero
My Bosss Daughter 2003
My Girlfriends Boyfriend (Eric Rohmer 1987)
My Life as a Dog 1985
My Life to Live
My Neighbors the Yamadas (Isao Takahata 1999) CD1
My Neighbors the Yamadas (Isao Takahata 1999) CD2
My Son the Fanatic
My Tutor Friend (2003) CD1
My Tutor Friend (2003) CD2
My Wife Is A Gangster 2
My Wife Is Gangster
Mystery Of Rampo