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Get along little dogies It's your misfortune and none of my own Whoopee-tee-yi-yo Get along little dogies For you know New York Will be your new home Whoopee-tee-yi-yo Get along little dogies It's your misfortune and none of my own - Where's that Joe Buck? - Where's that Joe Buck? Where's Joe Buck? Get along little dogies Where is our Joe Buck? Look at this crap! Yeah, where's that Joe Buck? - Where's that Joe Buck? - Where's that Joe Buck? You're due here at 4:00. You know what you can do with them dishes. And if you ain't man enough to do it for yourself... I'd be happy to oblige. I really would. How ya doin', Ralph? Four to midnight, that's when you're due here. Mr. Evers, I wonder if you can have a word with me? What are you doin' in that getup? Grab an apron and clean up that crap. He knows what he can do with that crap. - Ain't you come to work? - I guess not. I come to collect my pay, tell you all I'm headin' up East. You're headin' up East? Yeah, I thought I'd say good-bye to you. Just come to look around a little bit. Cups! Well... good-bye. Good-bye. What are you gonna do back East? Lot of rich women back there... beggin' for it. Payin' for it too. - Yeah? - Hell, yeah. The men are mostly tutti-fruttis. I'll bet it's a mess back there. I'm gonna cash in on some of that. I don't know nothin' about it. What do I got to stay around here for? I got places to go. Oh, that's nice. Oh, lower. That's real... nice, honey. Sure is a powerful mother, ain't it? Yeah, sure is a powerful mother. This is the shooting season. It's time to go to Lloyd's Discount Store... for all of your gun supplies. Listen to these values. Remington shotgun for only-- You look real nice, lover boy. Make your old grandma proud. You're gonna be the best-lookin' cowboy in the whole parade. You'll be the best-lookin' one there. Bye, honey. I'll leave a TV dinner in the fridge. Your old grandma got herself a new beau. Bye now. Excuse me, mister. Do you have another piece of gum for her? Oh, yes, ma'am, I do. Here. Take one for yourself too. Thank you, no. It's just 'til the Dramamine works. She gets carsick. I only get carsick on boats. But it seems to me that's more the fish smell than the bouncin'. How far you headed? - To Dallas. - Up Dallas, are ya? Where you goin'? I'm headin' on up New York City, ma'am. Do you love me, Joe? Do you love me? Do you love me? You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one. You're better than the rest of them. You're better than any of them. You love me, Joe? You're better than all of them. You're the best. Love me, Joe. Joe! Joe? Joe. Do you love me, Joe? Do you love me? Love me. You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one. You're the best, Joe. You're the best. ...broadcast of 'The Sunshine Hour.' ...broadcast of 'The Sunshine Hour.' Oh, yes, sweet Jesus, I tell you, faith healer. I got a letter here from a sister enclosing ten dollars... and two malignant tumors she coughed up during last week's prayer meeting. Praise Jesus! Now, before we join in prayer for this poor sister... Jesus wants to know how many sent in five dollars for their home worship kit. You want a cigarette? No, thanks. Chew tobacco. Sing along with Sister Rosella. You throw in Sister Rosella, you got a deal, right, old-timer? You ever run into a cowhand by the name of Woodsy Niles? Woodsy Niles, sir? Not to my knowledge. Friend of my grandma, Sally Buck. I want it on. 77 Radio in New York. This is Ron Lundy. This is W-A-B-C. That's New York talkin' there, ma'am. - Hear that? - What is your ideal in a man? My ideal is Gary Cooper, but he's dead. Thank you. Ma'am, what is your ideal in a man? A man who takes pride in his appearance. - Consideration. - Definitely tall. Someone I can talk to in bed. - A good sense of humor. - Not afraid of sex. - A Texas oilman. - Aggressiveness. - Outdoor type. - A rebel. - Young. - You. Excuse me, ma'am. Thank you. Shit! ...grand time talking to Mrs. Drevin... who's going to give us her remedy for insomnia. Gosh, I sure will. It's pretty unusual, but anyway... I move furniture around. Everything but the sofa, you know? And that's my remedy for insomnia. My remedy is you just dial the hotel here. Ask for Joe Buck. - I iron my husband's shirts. - Joe Buck. On the American Exchange, brought to you by Morgan Vandercook. Up your income with sound-- Up your income, lady. Azimir Oil: 20 and 7/8ths, up 1 and 5/8ths. Commonwealth United: 22 and 1/2, up 1 and 3/8ths. Mohawk Data Science is 64 and 5/8ths, down 1 and 1/8th. Beg your pardon, ma'am. I'm new here in town. Just in from Texas. I'm lookin' for the Statue of Liberty. Ma'am? Were you serious? About the Statue of Liberty? Oh, yes, ma'am. I mean business. I'm sorry. I-- Well, the Statue of Liberty. I think you take the Seventh Avenue subway. - No, wait a minute now. - You sure are a pretty lady. You're not looking for the Statue of Liberty at all. No, ma'am, I ain't. Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Come on, Baby. Do it for mama. Come on, Baby. Mama's tired. Baby, come on. Do it for mama. Hey, you little old dog. How you doin' there, scutter? They got you all gussied up for some damn thing, ain't they? Pardon me, ma'am. I'm brand-spankin'-new in town... and I was hopin' to get a look at the Statue of Liberty. Hopin' to get a look at what? Statue of Liberty. It's up in Central Park taking a leak. If you'll hurry up, you'll catch the supper show. He's picking something up for me. Hi. I just got your message. How do you feel? Oh, I had such a head. I loved your friend Mr. Needleman... the last of the great King Midases. Go, go, go. My God, it was exhausting. It was beautiful-- Oh, God! Stop! - I die from that! - Who's there? - Who you talkin' to? - I was just talkin' to Baby. I was talking to the dog, Morey. Please, you're annoying me. Don't start up again. Why don't you say hello to Baby? Baby wants to say hello to you. I don't wanna say hello to the dog. Cass! Daddy wants to say hello to you, Baby. Hello, Baby. Hello, you goddamn dog! Bow-wow-wow, Baby. Am I gonna see you tonight? - Where do you wanna eat? - Wherever you say. - Just you and me. - Hey, that's great. Catch an early supper at Lindy's. - What time? - Like 5:30. We don't have to rush. My wife's away. Beautiful, baby. I can stay all night, Cass. How 'bout a little kiss? You got it. A big wet one 'til I see ya. Save some of that for tonight. Love you. Love you. In our isolation booths-- - Is it because I'm a stable hand? - One, two. One, two. And rest. Do you think God is dead? Suppose we just don't talk about it anymore. One-- What if I want to take my mother along? - Oh, my God! - It even makes black whiter. - Bring your knees up. - Come on out. Hey, Cass. You know what you got here? You got yourself a damn penthouse. Real damn penthouse, Cass. Don't look, baby. Knock off a couple of pounds and I'd really be a gorgeous chick. Don't touch. I'm late already. What time is it? Oh, my God! Straighten out the bed for me, Tex. Say, Cass. I sure have enjoyed bein' here. It's as fine a time as I've ever had in my life. Me too, lover. That's good 'cause... the way you make me feel at home here... I almost hate to bring up business. Yeah, it's murder, isn't it? What line are you in, sweetie? Zip me up, will ya, Tex? Morey's always complaining about his ulcers. I don't know what line Morey's in... but myself, now, I'm kind of a hustler. A person's gotta make a living. Pardon me, ma'am. I said, 'A person's gotta make a living.' Are you sure you heard what I said? Sorry, Tex. My mind isn't all here. I don't wanna be late for my date with Morey. Listen, sweetie. Why don't you run along... and take the number, and we'll get in touch with each other real soon. I forgot to get to the bank, and now it's too late. I have to take a taxi. I need a few bucks. Hate to ask you, but you're such a doll. You know, Cass, that's a funny thing, you mentioning money... 'cause I was just about to ask you for some. You were gonna ask me for money? Hell, why do you think I come all the way up here from Texas for? You were gonna ask me for money. Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? Some old slut on 42nd Street? In case you didn't happen to notice it... you big Texas longhorn bull... I'm one hell of a gorgeous chick! Take it easy. I'm 28 years old. You think you can come up here and pull this kind of crap? - You're out of your mind! - Come on. I could kill you with my bare hands! Will you get outta here? Will you get outta here? Oh, Cass, honey. Cass, come on now. Cass, you think I meant that? Would I be after you for money with a wad like I've got ridin' on my hip? Stop your cryin'. You are one gorgeous chick. Guy gets horny just lookin' at you. How much you want for that taxi? How much you want now? Five? You want ten? Twenty? There you go, girl. Terrific shirt. Are you speakin' to me? I was admirin' that colossal shirt. That is one hell of a shirt. I'll bet you paid a pretty price for it. I ain't cheap. Yeah. Birds. It's an all right shirt. I like birds. I don't like to have cheap stuff on my back. - Sure. - Hi, cowboy. Got a cigarette? Hey, sweetheart. More goddamn faggots in this town. - Oh, kiss it, Ratso! - Up yours. You gotta watch out for that. You know the ropes. I wish I'd bumped into you before. I'm Joe Buck from Texas. Enrico Rizzo, from the Bronx. I'm gonna buy you a drink. Don't mind if I do. Bartender, drinks all around... and one for my friend here too. I know when l give her satisfaction. You see what I'm getting at? She got a penthouse up there... with a color TV and more goddamn diamonds than an archbishop. And she busts out bawlin' when I asked for money. For what? For money. Money for what? Hell, I'm a hustler. You didn't know that? How should I know that? You gotta tell a person things. I'm a hustler. All right. You're a hustler. But your pickin' up trade on the street like that-- That's nowhere. You gotta get yourself some kind of management. You put your finger on it. You know what you need? You need my friend O'Daniel. He operates the biggest stable in town. In fact, in the whole goddamn metropolitan area. It's stupid, a stud like you paying. You don't wanna be stupid. I mean, I understand. A dame starts cryin', I'd cut my heart out for her. I'd call that a very minor operation. In fact, you just sit comfy... and I'll cut it out with my fingernail file, Ratso. The name's Rizzo. That's what I said. Ratso. You heard him. That's all right. I mean, I'm used to these types... that get their kicks pickin' on cripples. - The sewer's full of them. - I wanna ask you one question, cowboy. If you're sittin' here, and he's sittin' over there... how's he gonna get his hand into your pocket? - Let me work-- - I guess he's got that figured out. Good night, sweets. - Faggot. - Provolone. With these gals that wanna buy it... With these gals that wanna buy it... most of them are old and dignified. Social register types, you know what I mean? They can't be trottin' down to Times Square to pick out the merchandise. They gotta have some kind of middleman. That's where O'Daniel comes in. Hey, I'm walkin' here! Up yours, you son of a bitch! Don't talk to me that way! Get outta here! Don't worry about that. Actually, that ain't a bad way to pick up insurance. It's crazy, a stud like you payin' that dame that you told me about. With proper management... you could be takin' home $50, maybe $100 a day, easy. Hey, Brucey. Hang in there, baby. What's that? Him I placed with O'Daniel about two weeks ago. He ain't much of a stud either, from what I hear. All right. Hey, horse. How about you take me to meet this Mr. O'Daniel right now? You're a nice guy, and actually I'd be doin' both of you a favor... but for what? What am I draggin' my bum leg around town for? Tomorrow, some piece like that might be scratching your back at the Plaza... and where am I gonna be? Hold on. You think I'm that kind of a son of a bitch? Just name your cut. Whatever you want, you got it now. It's all right. What you want? Five? Ten? Are you kidding me? You know what I'd ask somebody else? - There's ten right there. - All right. Forget it. I'll take the ten. But when I take you over to see Mr. O'Daniel... I'm gonna have to have another ten just to cover expenses, all right? Come on. I'll buy you coffee. On me. Get outta here. Bunch of creeps. Go to work. He needs you tonight. I got his tongue hangin' out. His name is Joe Buck. He's a cowboy. Just came in from Texas. He's new to the city. He don't know the ropes... but he's promising material, if you know what I mean. Fabulous. Right away. What's your room number there again, sir? Right. Okay. 901. You got it? Hold it a second. Let's see how you look. Fine. You look fine. Think I could have that other ten now? Where can I reach you? I'll make this thing right with you once I get set up. - Forget it. - Where do you live? The Chevy-Netherlands Hotel. Chevy-Netherlands Hotel. Get your ass in there now. He's waitin'. Go ahead. Come on. Are you on vacation? You must be Joe Buck. Yes, sir, I am. Come in. Let's look at you. Turn around. Turn around. Good strong back. You're gonna need it. So you want help? Sit down. Relax. Cowboy, eh? Well, sir, I ain't a for-real cowboy... but I am one hell of a stud! Take it easy, boy. Seems to me you're different from most of the boys that come to me. Most of those boys are troubled and confused. I'd say you know exactly what you want. You bet I do, sir. But I'll bet you got one thing in common with those other boys. I'll bet you're lonesome. Well, not too. A little. Lonesome! 'I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk.' - 'I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope fiend.' - Shut up! 'I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief.' 'I'm lonesome, so I'm a fornicator, a whoremonger!' - You phony! - Poop, I say, poop! I've heard it all, and I'm sick to death of it! I can see that. Lonesomeness. Lonesomeness is something you take, you hear? Damn it, you take it and you go on with your work. I'm rarin' to go, sir. Yes, I believe you are. Cowboy, eh? - Yes, sir. - Yeah. - Ready for hard work? - I'm ready for anything. I reckon it's gonna be easier for you than for most others. It's gonna be like money from home. Money from home! There's your strength, son, see? You've got the way of putting things earthy so anybody can understand them. I warn you, Joe Buck. I'm gonna use you. I'm gonna run you ragged! You're wonderful, boy. We're gonna have fun together. It don't have to be joyless. Hell, no. Why don't you and me... get down on our knees right now? How's that strike you? - Where? - Right here! Right now! Why not? I've prayed on the streets. I've prayed in the saloons. I've prayed on the toilets. It don't matter where, so long as He gets that prayer! See Him! That's the ticket. Just open your heart-- Don't be frightened, son! I baptize thee, my brother, in the name of the Father... You shall be heard! the Son and the Holy Spirit. Don't run from Jesus! Hey, you know that runty little bastard I was with? I don't know nothing. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! What's that monstrosity down there? That's a toupee for dogs. This is Fifi's wig. That's for that dog? I don't believe this dog. There's something going on here. Now, really, seriously... isn't this really a case of conning a lot of lonely people? Yes. Who else would do it? A woman with children wouldn't have time. When they have no children, a woman who is alone-- There's a TV dinner in the fridge. Expect me when you see me. I'll leave you movie money. I think that's sick. Dressing up a dog to look like a child? In case she meets another-- That's terrible! She looks terrible. If I can find the hole-- Gold and silver and candlelight. Wine and skyrockets... and butterfly thoughts that glitter in your mind. You're special. Give yourself special treatment. Need money? We love to lend it to you. Why worry about your future? What do you want more than anything in the world? Take it easy, but take it. Key to room 514, please, sir. Key to room 514, please, sir. Looks like you've been locked out of your room, buddy... 'til you pick up the tab. What about all my things? We keep them nice and safe, 'til you get this thing settled. You can keep all the rest of the goddamn junk... if you just let me have the suitcase. It means a lot to me. We keep everything. House rules. You gonna eat them crackers? I spilled some on my pants. Can you tell me how I get to Grand Central? Surely. You follow the green lights. Officer. How do I get to Grand Central? You know what you gotta do, cowboy? Spacecraft to Earth Control. Check trajectory. We have a malfunction of our instruments. Captain Grace is investigating. Orbital module has failed to separate from upper stage booster as planned. Earth Control to spacecraft. You have 30 seconds before you are ejected into lunar trajectory. Only 30 seconds. Do you read me? Spacecraft to Earth Control. I read you. Chuck! I've lost you! Spacecraft to Earth Control. We've lost contact with Captain Grace. - Can you track him? - Kiss me, Joe. Earth Control to spacecraft. He's in free fall. You're the only one, Joe. Kissin' Crazy Annie. You better drink a whole damn drugstore. Kiss me, Joe. Oh! You're the only one! I'm awful sorry you're sick... but you have to give me that money. I was lying. I don't have it. What are you gonna do to me? - You ain't got no $25 on you? - No. - What are you gonna do to me? - What do you think? What do you want me to do to you? - You wanna get beat on? - No. - How much you got in your pockets? - Nothing. Empty your pockets out right over there. - Take my books. - I don't want your damn books! How much is that worth? Don't take my watch. Please. Don't take it. It's only a cheap watch. It's not worth anything. I can't go home without it. My mother would die. Don't take it. I can't go home. She'd die. She would die. Please. I don't want your damn watch. Preparing for this brief moment of glory at halftime. A basic training as rigorous as the star football players themselves. Long hours of precision choreography... that would put the Rockettes to shame. Musical arrangements, rehearsals, costume fittings. A production in Hollywood's finest tradition. You can spot the invaders easily if they're by themselves. They're dark, heavy and have noticeable accents. Every day they're working themselves into more homes. What can you do about these invaders? Enjoy them. November, 'Better Homes and Gardens'... tells you about the invasion of the stylish furniture from Spain. Don't hit me. I'm a cripple! I ain't gonna hit you. I'm gonna strangle you to death! - Wait. - First, I'm gonna shake you out. Where's my money? Put it right there. All right. Here. That's all I got. That's all you got? - What you got in your socks? - Nothin'. I swear to God. I swear on my mother's eyes. Here, 64 cents. Go ahead. I want you to have it. It's sticky. Did you slobber on it? Here. Have a cigarette. Come on. Come on. Sit down. How do you like that O'Daniel, flippin' out like that? I tried to get in touch with you when I heard... but I was laid up with this cold. You want some free medical advice? You just keep your damn mouth shut about that night. Right. Fine. Okay. Fine. Okay. Another subject. Where you livin' at? You still at the hotel? Why am I talkin' to you, damn it? Hey, come on! - Wait up! - Keep away from me! Come near me again, I'll snatch you bald-headed. I'm invitin' you. If you're not located, I got a place. - I'm invitin' you, goddammit! - You're invitin'! Shit! The 'X' on the windows means the landlord can't collect rent... which is a convenience on account of it's condemned. Front door. I don't care. Actually, I prefer it that way. Keeps the punks and the creeps outta here. Got my own private entrance. You're the only one who knows about it. Watch the plank. Break your goddamn skull. No way to collect insurance. There's glass there. I've been meaning to take that fridge up. Get it, will you? - Need any help? - Not from you. You okay? It's not far. It's just one more up. All the electric's off. I don't mess with Con Edison. Just another convenience. The icebox will keep the roaches from gettin' in the perishables. Where did you steal this thing? It's been sittin' down there for weeks. I don't mean now. I mean before then. Don't get a hernia. Go ahead. Just drop it anywhere. It's not bad, huh? There's no heat, but by the time winter comes... I'll be in Florida. You wanna stretch out here? Make yourself comfortable? Go ahead. Why don't you take a nap? Would you like a cup of coffee? Do you love me, Joe? You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one. I said stop that! He's the one. He's the only one. He's the one. He's the only one. ...says there have been 429 American casualties. 429 on the death list. This as opposed to 643 South Vietnamese soldiers on the death list. Wait a minute. What's the mat-- What's the matter? Where's my damn boots? Over there. How'd they get off me? I took 'em off. What for? So you could sleep. I mean, Christ. I should haul my ass outta here. What's wrong now? You want me to stay here. What are you after? You don't look like no fag. What's that supposed to mean? Don't you want me to stay here tonight? I'm not forcin' you. Who's forcin' you? Oh, I'm sorry. I truly am. I must've got the wrong impression then. Okay. Okay, boy. I want you to stay, all right? I goddamn invited you, didn't l? I hope you know what you're in for. I'm a truly dangerous person, I am. If someone does me bad like you-- If I'd have found you that night, there would have been one dead Ratso. You understand me? You hear? I'm impressed. You're a killer. If I'm gonna stay here a couple days, I just thought you should know. 'Property of the YMCA.' Sometimes you make me wanna puke, Ratso. Joe, do me one favor, huh? This is my place. Am I wrong? No, you ain't wrong. In my own place... my name ain't Ratso. It just so happens that in my own place... my name is Enrico Salvatore Rizzo. I can't say all that. Rico, then. At least call me Rico in my own goddamn place. Okay, Rico. Rico. Rico. That enough for you? That's fine. Give me a pillow. Give me one of those pillows. Keep your meat hooks off my radio. Rico. Rico. Are you here again? Didn't I tell you once before to keep away from here? Every time you take stuff from me! Get out of here! - That ain't nice, pickin' on a cripple! - Cripple or not, I don't care! Who the hell do you think you are? The two basic items necessary to sustain life... are sunshine and coconut milk. Did you know that? That's a fact. In Florida, you got a terrific amount of coconut trees there. I think they even got 'em in the gas stations over there. And ladies. You know that in Miami you got-- Are you listenin' to me? You got more ladies in Miami... than in any resort area in the country there. I think per capita, on a given day, there's probably... three hundred of 'em on the beach. In fact, you can't even scratch yourself... without getting a belly button up the old kazoo there. It's hot. Let's go. Come on! Smells worse hot than it did cold. All right, startin' tomorrow you cook your own goddamn dinner... or you get one of your rich Park Avenue ladies to cook for you. - I'm eatin' it, see? - In her penthouse. Look, I'm eatin' this shit, Ratso. Mmm, good! - It's good. - I gotta get outta here. I gotta get outta here. Miami Beach, that's where you could score. Anybody can score there, even you. In New York, no rich lady with any class at all buys that cowboy crap anymore. They're laughin' at you on the street. - Ain't nobody laughin' at me. - I seen 'em laughin' at you, fella. What the hell do you know about women? When's the last time you scored, boy? I only talk about that at confession. -We're not talkin' about me now. -Well, when'd you last go to confession? That's between me and my confessor. And I'll tell you another thing. Frankly, you're beginning to smell. And for a stud in New York, that's a handicap. Don't talk to me about clean. I ain't seen you change your underwear the whole time I've been in New York. - That's peculiar behavior. - I don't have to do that in public. - I ain't got no need to expose myself. - No, I'll bet you don't! I bet you ain't never even been laid! How about that? And you're gonna tell me what appeals to women. I know enough to know that that great big dumb cowboy crap of yours... don't appeal to nobody except every Jacky on 42nd Street! That's faggot stuff! If you wanna call it by its name, that's strictly for fags! John Wayne! Are you gonna tell me he's a fag? I like the way I look. It makes me feel good. It does. And women like me, goddammit! Hell, the only one thing I ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me. That's a really true fact. Crazy Annie, they had to send her away. Then how come you ain't scored once the whole time you've been in New York? 'Cause I need management, goddammit! 'Cause you stole $20 off of me! That's why you're gonna stop crappin' around about Florida... and get your skinny butt movin', earn $20 worth of management... which you owe me! Signora, a woman in your condition shouldn't have to do all this. Boy, you have a lot of laundry here. It just ain't right cheatin' from a pregnant lady. - What did it cost her? - What do you mean? Get outta here. The laundry syndicate lost a couple of coins. I'm cryin'. - That's it, sir. - All right. Sir, where's mine? The black homburg. - I brought it in at the same time. - Well, I tell you, I don't know. You no have a hat here, mister. You gotta bring me the ticket-- What about that black homburg right up there? Up in there. Is that it right there? A ticket? Here's my ticket. It's right there on the corner. - You wanna get it, right over there? - I'll look 'em over. Keep goin'. Up to the top. Right in the corner there. The top one. No, it not belong to yours. It belong somebody else. Hey, you're pretty damn good at that. I bet you could make a livin' at it. And end up a hunchback like my old man? If you think I'm crippled, you should've caught him at the end of the day. My old man spent 14 hours a day down in that subway. He'd come home, two, three dollars' worth of change... stained with shoe polish. Stupid bastard coughed his lungs out from breathin' in that wax all day. Even the faggot undertaker couldn't get his nails clean. They had to bury him with gloves on. Okay, go ahead. Come on. Take a look. Don't rush me, boy. Gotta take your time here. Get myself primed up, like I was turnin' on the charm... for some pretty little blonde lady, you know? Then when I'm feelin' cool and good... I spin around! And there you are, you handsome devil you. Not bad. Not bad. For a cowboy. You're okay. You're okay. The lady will meet you in the lobby. Taxi! Yes, sir. Oh, I think you got somethin' on your shoulder there. There, you got it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Say, you haven't got a quarter, have you? Just a quarter? - How do you like that cheap bastard? - Let's see what the hell you got here. I think we struck gold. This is one high-class chick. 'Barclay Hotel For Women.' Women. Is this the Gentleman's Escort Service? I'm calling for Miss Beecham... at the Barclay Hotel. Right. She changed her mind. She won't need nobody tonight. That's right. Thank you very much. Bye. Would you believe a whole goddamn hotel with nothin' but lonely ladies? Score once in a setup like that... and the way they talk, I could open up an office in there. Come on. Go ahead. Get the money. Listen, get the cash. Remember that lady in the penthouse. Get the cash. Those rich ladies write out a check, and then call the bank and stop payment. Go ahead. Watch the car! Go on. Rico! Rico, up here! Up here! Rico! A-6. G-49. G-49. I-24. I-24. And the next one is... O-62, ladies and gentlemen. O-62! Are there any bingos? - And the next one is B-13. - How dare you, in this public place! Wait a second, lady! Goddammit, you keep your hands off me! The temperature right now is 28 degrees, and the weatherman says it's going down. It's cloudy now, and we can expect a few snow flurries later on. I'll give you $5 for it. I got a telephone call from Jesus I got him on the line I'm gonna call him up Ring him up Then the sun will shine I got a telephone call from Jesus I got him on the line Oh, for Christ's sake! Hey, Ratso. Hey, get your ass out here. I wanna show you something. There you go, boy. There's money for you. That's $9 right there, plus assorted change. Minus 26¢ for milk. Plus 5¢ for Dentyne... gum. Oh, that's smart. Light a cigarette. Why not take that and buy a carton? Do the job right. Where'd you get it? I got it. Where you been? 42nd Street? That's where you been. Movies, that's where you've been. - I ain't been nowhere. - Yeah, movies. That's where you got that thing on your back. What, this? 'What, this?' A friend I did a favor for give it to me. - A friend? - Yeah. You'd just let some poor bastard freeze to death, wouldn't you? You stole the damn thing, didn't you? I stole it for you! The goddamn thing's ten sizes too big for me. Wear it yourself! I wouldn't have it on my back. I'll be goddamned if I'll wear it. Here. Buy yourself some medicine before you die on my damn hands. - I hate boneyards. - So split. He ain't your goddamn father! He was even dumber than you. He couldn't even write his own name. 'X,' that's what it oughta say on that goddamn headstone. One big, lousy 'X'! Just like our dump: condemned by order of city hall. My grandma, Sally Buck... she died without lettin' me know. Oh, Hitler's storm troopers! Oh, Hitler's storm troopers! Just because I happened to get out of a car! It all depends on what you believe in. Like sometimes your spirit goes up, sometimes it goes-- It goes other places. How long did I hold up traffic just to get out? I ask you. Give some people a little power, and they gotta supersede their authority. This whole kind of thing is spiritual-- spiritual matters. Oh, now you're talkin' priest talk. You're talkin' priest talk now. I ain't talkin' priest talk, I'm talkin' about what people believe in. Some people believe you can come back in another body. Well, I hope I don't come back in your body. I ain't asking you to come back in my body, but you can come back as anything. You could come back as a-- a dog or a president. If I had my choice, I'd come back as a president. I ain't that dumb. What do you think? Maybe you gotta think about those things for a while. I'm usually not like this. I'm usually a very calm and collected person. Really, forgive me. I'm awfully sorry. I think I'm gonna write a letter to the mayor. I don't believe in any of that crap. You're entitled to think what you want. - Maybe I do think what I want. - Him. Maybe I do believe all that damn stuff, and l-- and l-- - Do some thinkin' about it, that's all. - Here. What was that all about? Hey, lookie here. I've been chosen for some damn thing. - It's a come-on. - You know what this is? - This is a come-on to a party. - It's a couple of wackos advertising. Where does it say to go? Klein's Bargain Basement? You go and get a ten-year subscription to the Encyclopedia Britannica. It says 'Broadway and Harmony Lane, Hansel and Gretel McAlbertson.' - That's perfectly clear, ain't it? - Get outta here. What do a couple of fruity wackos want with characters like you and me? It don't say nothin' about you. It don't say nothin' about you. It don't say nothin' about you, either. They took my picture, didn't they? So, you want me to get lost so you can go to your fancy-ass party? I didn't say nothin' about that. Did I say that? Did l? I'll just tell 'em... 'You want me, I don't go nowhere without my buddy here.' I ain't dressed for a party. There you go. Right here. Hey, dog. Hey, you all right? You okay? Hell, damn, you're sweating all over the damn place. Come here. You got a comb on ya? - I don't need a comb. - Here. Few dozen cooties ain't gonna kill me, I don't guess. - Okay? - Yeah. - I look okay? - Yeah. Okay, come on. Come on. They're takin' my picture. Now just one more close-up with her. I love everything in the theater. I would like to die on the stage. And my hair is fur, you know... its tendrils reaching out into space sometimes. I've watched it touch many stars. Wackos. They're all wackos. I think we better find somebody and tell 'em that I'm here. Uh, well, I made it. This is my friend, Ratso Rizzo, and l. - Rico. Rico Rizzo. - Hello. If you need anything, there's beer and stuff behind me. Anything you want. Oh, Jesus. If you want the word on that brother-and-sister act... Hansel's a fag and Gretel's got the hots for herself, so who cares, right? Load up on the salami. It's like what? It's like heroin. Death is like heroin. - Have you tried heroin? - Yeah, I've tried heroin. It's like nothing. It's like death. It's just nothing. - Why are you here? - I don't know. Who brought you? I don't know. Thank you, ma'am. Hey, sonny, what you doin' there? She gave it to me, boy. Give me the goddamn thing. Hey, what do you want? Up or down? Up or down? Here, why don't you take an upper. Why are you stealing food? I was just noticin' that you're outta salami. I think you oughta have somebody go over to the delicatessen and bring some more. Well, you know, it's free. You don't have to steal it. If it's free, then I ain't stealin'. - How did you get crippled? - I slipped on a banana peel. - I gotta sit down. I feel crummy. - What's the matter? - Take your hands off of me! - Why don't you use my shower? Take a walk! Just take your hands off of me! Don't touch me! - Just take a walk! - Take a shave! - I'm going to lick the sweat off. - Keep your hands off of me! Well, you look hot! - Guess who I am. - Who? It's me! How you doin'? You're gettin' your picture took, huh? Let's, uh... Ieave now. Your place... or mine? - She's hooked. - Like why a cowboy? - She's hooked. - Like why a cowboy? I'd say she was good for 10 bucks, but I'll ask for 20. Why a cowboy whore? Did you know we were gonna make it? So, you really wanna do business? Who is he? Don't tell me you two are a couple. Why are you laughing, Joe? - Are you really a cowboy? - I'll tell you the truth now. I ain't a for-real cowboy, but I am one hell of a stud. A very expensive stud, and I happen to be his manager. - How much is this gonna cost me? - Twenty bucks. - Okay. - And taxi fare for me. Oh, get lost, will ya? I agree, but for that service I charge one buck taxi fare. - Okay? - Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Oh, boy. Here. - Go ahead. - Give me a break. I don't even know what your name is. I wanna know your name. What is it? My name's Joe! Fabulous! Joe could be anyone. I like that. Move over, Joe. Come here, Joe. Kiss me, Joe. That's a very good idea. Why don't you kiss me, Joe? Oh, my-- Wow! Too much. He fell. Hey, fella, you fell. Is he all right? Yeah, he's fine. Well, if you're all right, why you hangin' on the banister? - Can't you walk or not? - Naturally, I can walk. He's got taxi fare. - Come on. - Are you sure you're all right? Hey, Ratso! Well, it happens. - Don't worry about it. - It ain't never happened to me before. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. Where's the matches, ma'am? Over there behind that thing. Maybe if you didn't call me 'ma'am'... things might work out better. That's the first goddamn time the thing ever quit on me. That's a fact. You think I'm lyin' to you? No. No, I don't think you're lying. I just had this funny image. I had this image of a... policeman without his stick... and a bugler without his horn... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Well, I think I'm making it worse. Maybe we oughta take a little nap... and see what happens. I ain't sleepy. I know. Scribbage. Shit! Look at this here. See? There's an 'e' in 'money.' I mean, if that's your word. M-O-N-Y. That's just exactly how you spell it on that big building up there. M-O-N-Y, money. 'Y.' What in the hell starts with 'Y'? Well, it can end in 'Y'... Iike, uh, 'say,' 'pay'... 'lay.' Hey, pay... Iay. Okay, cut it out now. That's enough. You're cheating-- teasin' me so I can't think. 'Gay' ends in 'Y.' - Do you like that? - Cut that out. Gay, fay. Is that your problem, baby? I'm gonna show you my darn problem! I'm not. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not. I'm not exaggerating. Listen, Marjorie, you should try it. It might be terrific for you. Oh, for God's sake. Well, what night is Phil's poker night? Well, think. Yeah, all right. Joe, are you available Thursday night? What time? Yeah, around 8:30? Uh, well, let me think now. Thursday, 8:30. Uh, well, I guess I can be available. Hell, yes! Hello? Marjorie, it's all set for Thursday night at 8:30. Yes, it's-- No, I can't talk to you now, so call me at the office later. Yeah, okay. Bye-bye. Ma'am, Shirley, I sure hate to trouble you, but-- Sure. - Twenty, wasn't it? - Yes'm. Bye. Hey, boy, look right in there! What do ya see? Look in there, boy! Some of that stuff's for you too! Look. Try that on for size for ya. I got some of that stuff you like to swill too. Aspirin, Mentholatum, all that crap. - What's the matter? They wrong? - They're okay. Only why'd you buy 'em? While you were gettin' the aspirin, I could've lifted this. - Is that hot? - Yeah. You want some soup? - Yeah. - I'll get you some soup, then. We ain't gonna have to steal no more, is what I'm tryin' to tell ya. I got eight bucks in my damn pockets. Twenty more come Thursday, boy. -We're gonna be ridin' easy before long. -Give me some soup. - Give me some soup. - I'm gettin' ya some soup. Look at that there. That's good, healthy stuff for you. Lookie there. Lookie there. Soup. - Thanks. - It's hot. Watch out. How was she? She went crazy, if you want to know the damn truth of it. Yeah. She turned into a damn alley cat. - Thanks for the stuff. - Don't mention it. It's good. Hey, listen, don't get sore or anything, okay? I ain't sore. I don't think I can walk anymore. I mean, I've been fallin' down a lot. I'm scared. What are you scared of? You know what they do to you when they know you can't-- When they find out that you can't wa-- walk. Oh, Christ! I gotta lay down. - Okay, okay. - I gotta lay down. You're gonna lay down now. Just take it easy. I'm gonna lay you down. I'm gonna lay you down. There you go. I'm gonna put this thing over ya. Now you stay here. Where you goin'? - I gotta get a doctor. - What? - I gotta get a doctor. - You ain't gettin' me no doctor. You're sick, boy. You need a damn doctor. No doctors, no cops. Don't be so stupid. - What the hell you want me to do? - You get me to Florida. - Hell, I can't go to Florida now. - Just put me on a bus. Just put me on a bus. I don't need you. You got the damn fever. How the hell you gonna get to Florida? Just get me on a bus. You ain't sendin' me to Bellevue. All right. What are you doin' that for? It's hot. You're sick. I'm keepin' it on you. I'm too hot now. Dumb. Boy, you're really dumb. I don't need you. You're dumb. - Shut up! Just shut up! - Dumb cowboy, boy. Damn it! Shut up! Just when things are goin' right for me, you gotta pull a damn stunt like this. Hi, Shirley. How you doin', girl? Miss who? Well, when will Mrs. Gardner be home? This is a friend of hers. This is a goddamn good friend of hers. Well, hell, I can't wait that long. Too bad. Well, we all have our off days. I'm Townsend P. Locke, from Chicago. Call me Towny. I'm here on a paper manufacturer's convention and, frankly... to have a little fun, damn it. It's my first night here, and I'd feel privileged if you'd have dinner with me. There's a little French restaurant not too far from here. Italian restaurant? Does that appeal to you? Don't worry about how you're dressed. They know me. Besides, I'll tell 'em you're with the rodeo. There's always a rodeo in town, damn it. Besides, you look very elegant. Oh, but damn it all, we can't do that. I'm expecting a phone call at the hotel. Mama? A coincidence. Guess who was being discussed? Have you got that thing turned up? Well, why aren't you wearing it? Oh, really, Mama, this is just impossible. I mean, why go to all the expense? Listen, Towny. Did I tell you I got me a sick kid on my hands? Well, he's sick on chill, and I gotta get him south quick as I can. I got me a sick boy... and I'm gonna get him south. Do you understand me, Towny? I'm gonna get him south. What you want? What you got me up here for? Oh, Joe, it's-- It's so difficult. You're a nice person, Joe. I should never have asked you up here. You're a lovely person, really. Oh, God, I loathe life. I loathe it. Please go. - Please. - You want me to leave? I mean, yes, yes. Please go. Come back tomorrow. - Promise? - I'm goin' to Florida tomorrow. That's terrible. You meet someone, you think-- Yeah. I want to give you a present... for your trip. Please take it. I want you to have it. You don't have to be a Catholic. St. Christopher's the patron saint of all travellers. I want you to take it. It's for helping me be good. I gotta have money. Yes, of course. Wait here. I said wait. Here. Don't even thank me. I gotta have more than 10. I gotta have $57. - I simply don't have it, Joe. - I got family, goddammit! - There's nothing in here. - Get outta my way, please, sir. Get outta my way! Let go of that table, please, sir. - Please, sir? - No, please! No, don't, don't. I deserved that. I brought this on myself, I know I did. My nose is bleeding, isn't it? Now, you gonna let go of that table? Now, are you gonna let go of that table, or you want a busted skull? Oh, Joe, thank you. Operator. Number, please. - Number, please. - Hello. - No, no, I wasn't calling anyone. - Hello? I wasn't calling anyone. I wasn't calling anyone. No, I wasn't calling anyone. Oh, Joe. Thirty-one hours. 11:30 in the morning we get there. Not this morning... but the next at 11:30. These guys are good drivers, boy. They gotta be. You didn't kill him, did ya? Got blood on your jacket. I don't wanna talk about it. If you're gonna shiver, put your blankets up more. I've been thinkin'. I hope we're not gonna have trouble about my name down there. I mean, what's the whole point of this trip, anyway? You know? Keep your blankets on you. I mean, can you see this guy, running around the beach all suntanned... and he's goin' swimmin', like... and somebody yells, 'Hey, Ratso.' What's that sound like to you? Sounds like I knew ya. Sounds like crap. Admit it. I'm Rico all the time, okay? We're gonna tell all these new people my name's Rico. Okay? Okay. - Hey, what's the matter? - I'm wet. You're-- You're what? I wet my pants. The seat's all wet. Well, hell, there ain't no use cryin' over the damn thing. Here I am goin' to Florida, my leg hurts... my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts... and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself. That's funny? I'm fallin' apart here. You just-- You know what happened? You just took a little rest stop that wasn't on the schedule. Let me put you up here. Hey, what size pants you wear? Thank you, ma'am. - Where you from? - New York. You ever been here before? No, ma'am, I ain't. This is my first time. Well, I hope you have a good time in Florida. Thank you. Hey, what're you doin'? I'm zippin' your fly. What the hell you think I'm doin'? Thanks, Joe. These shirts are comfortable, ain't they? Yours was the only one left with a palm tree on it. Clothes are damn cheap here too, you know that? Everything we got only set us back ten some. Hey, you know, Ratso-- Rico, I mean-- I got this damn thing all figured out. When we get to Miami, what I'm gonna do is... get some sort of job, you know? 'Cause, hell, I ain't no kind of hustler. I mean, there must be an easier way of makin' a livin' than that. Some sort of outdoors work. What do you think? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Okay, Rico? Okay, folks, everything's all right. Nothin' to worry about. Is he kin to you? - Wanna close his eyes? - What? Just reach over and close his eyes. We'll just drive on in, all right? Nothin' else we can do. Okay, folks, just a little illness. We'll be in Miami in a few minutes. Okay, folks, nothin' to worry about. Just a little illness. We'll be in Miami in just a few minutes. |
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