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Who are you?|We are three wise men. What?|We are three wise men. Well, what are you doing creeping around|a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning? That doesn't sound|very wise to me. We are astrologers.|We have come from the east. Is this some kind of joke? We wish to praise the infant. We must pay homage to him. Homage? You're drunk!|It's disgusting! Out the door! Out! Bashing me with|tales about Oriental fortunetellers. Come on, out!|No, no. We must see him. Go and praise someone else's brat.|We were led by a star. Led by a bottle,|more like. Go on out. We must see him.|We have brought presents. Out!|Gold, frankincense, myrrh. Well, why didn't you say?|He's over there. Sorry the place|is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?|It is a valuable balm. A balm? What are you giving him|a balm for? It might bite him. What?|That's a dangerous animal. No, it isn't.|Yes, it is. It's great big and|No, it is an ointment. Well, there is an animal|called a balm... or did I dream it? So you're astrologers, are you?|Well, what is he, then? Hmm?|What star sign is he? Well, Capricorn.|Capricorn, eh? What are they like? He is the Son of God,|our Messiah. King of the Jews! That's Capricorn, is it?|No, that's just him. Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise|there would be a lot of them. By what name are you calling him?|Uh, Brian. We worship you, O Brian,|who are lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and|to the Lord, our Father. Amen. You do a lot of this, then?|What? This praising.|No, no, no, no. Well, if you're|dropping by again, do pop in. And thanks a lot for|the gold and frankincense. But don't worry too much|about the myrrh next time, all right? Thank you.|Goodbye. Well, weren't they nice? Out of their bloody minds,|but still... Iook at that! Here! Here! That That's mine!|Hey, he's a baby! Oh! Shut up! " Brian " " The babe they called Brian " " He grew " " Grew, grew and grew " " Grew up to be " " Grew up to be " " A boy called Brian " " A boy called Brian " " He had arms and legs " " And hands and feet " " This boy " " Whose name was Brian " " And he grew " " Grew, grew and grew " " Grew up to be " " Yes, he grew up to be " " A teenager called Brian " " A teenager called Brian " " And his face became spotty " " Yes, his face became spotty " " And his voice|dropped down low " " And things started to grow " " On young Brian and show " " He was certainly no " " No girl named Brian " " Not a girl named Brian " " And he started to shave " " And have one off the wrist " " And want to see girls " " And go out and get pissed " " A man called Brian " " This man called Brian " " The man they called Brian " " This man called " " Bri " Aah! How blessed are those who know|that He's a god. How blessed are the sorrowful.|They shall find consolation. How blessed are those|of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth|for their possession. How blessed are those|who hunger and thirst... to see right prevail. They shall be satisfied. How blessed are those|whose hearts are pure. They shall see God. Speak up!|Shhh. Quiet, Mum. Well, I can't hear a thing.|Let's go to the stoning. Shhh!|We can go to a stoning anytime. Oh, come on, Brian.|Will you be quiet? Don't pick your nose. I wasn't picking my nose.|I was scratching. You was picking it|while you was talking to that lady. I wasn't.|Leave it alone. Give it a rest. Do you mind?|I can't hear a word he's saying. Don't you "do you mind" me!|I was talking to my husband. Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.|I can't hear a bloody thing. Don't you swear at my wife. I was only asking her to shut up so|we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose. Don't you call my husband "Big Nose".|Well, he has got a big nose. Could you be quiet, please?|What was that? I was too busy|talking to Big Nose. I think it was,|"Blessed are the cheese makers". What's so special|about the cheese makers? Well, obviously, it's not meant|to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers|of dairy products. See, if you hadn't been going on,|we'd have heard that, Big Nose. Hey! Say that once more,|I'll smash your bloody face in. Better keep listening. Might be a bit|about, "Blessed are the Big Noses". Oh, lay off him. Oh, you're not so bad|yourself, Conch Face. Where are you two from,|Nose City? One more time, mate, I'll|take you to fuckin' cleaners! Language!|And don't pick your nose. I wasn't gonna pick my nose.|I was gonna thump him! Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek".|The Greek? Well, apparently|he's going to inherit the earth. Did anyone catch his name?|You're not gonna thump anybody. I'll thump him|if he calls me "Big Nose" again. Oh, shut up, Big Nose.|Oh! Right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard|Oh, it's the meek! "Blessed are the meek"!|Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something,|'cause they have a hell of a time. Listen, I'm only telling the truth.|You have got a very big nose. Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide|across your face when I'm finished! Shhh!|Who hit yours, then?|Goliath's big brother? Oh. Right.|That's your last warning. Oh, do pipe down. Silly bitch.|Get in the way on me. Oh, come on.|Let's go to the stoning. All right. Blessed is just about anyone with|a vested interest in the status quo. Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate|is it's the meek who are the problem. Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.|Yes, I see. Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna|stone him before we get there. All right. That's disgusting. It's the chap with a big nose's fault.|He started it all. Oh, I hate wearing these beards. Why aren't women allowed|to go to stonings, Mum? It's written, that's why. Beard, madame? Oh, look, I haven't got time|to go to no stonings. He's not well again. Stone, sir? No, they got them up there,|lying around on the ground. Oh, not like these, sir.|Look at this. Feel the quality of that.|That's craftsmanship, sir. Well, all right. We'll have two|with points and a big, flat one. Can I have a flat one, Mum?|Shhh! Sorry. Dad.|All right. Two points, two flats|and a packet of gravel. Packet of gravel. Should be|a good one this afternoon. Who?|Local boy. Oh, good.|Enjoy yourselves. Matthias, son|of Deuteronomy of Gath? Do I say yes? Yes.|Yes. You have been found guilty|by the elders of the town... of uttering|the name of our Lord. And so as a blasphemer... you are to be stoned to death. Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut|was good enough for Jehovah". Blasphemy! He said it again! Did you hear him? Really! Are there any women|here today? Very well. By virtue|of the authority vested in me Ow! Lay off!|We haven't started yet! Come on!|Who threw that? Who threw that stone?|Come on. She did! She did! He did! He did! Sorry. I thought|we'd started. Go to the back. Always one, isn't there?|Now, where were we? Look, I don't think it ought to be|blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah". You're only making it|worse for yourself. Making it worse?|How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! I'm warning you, if you say|"Jehovah" once more Right.|Who threw that? Come on.|Who threw that? Him, him, him. Was it you?|Yes. Right|Well, you did say "Jehovah". Stop! Will you stop that? Stop it! Now, look!|No one is to stone anyone... until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even and I want|to make this absolutely clear Even if they do say "Jehovah". Good shot! Bravo! Have I got a big nose, Mum?|Oh, stop thinking about sex. I wasn't!|You're always on about it,|morning, noon and night. "Will the girls like this?|Will the girls like that? Is it too big?|ls it too small?" Here you are, mate. Bless you, sir.|Alms for the poor. Alms for a leper.|Alms for an exleper. Bloody donkey owners.|All the same, ain't they? Never have any change.|Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old exleper?|Buzz off! Spare a talent|for an old exleper? A talent?|That's more than he earns in a month! Half a talent, then.|Now, go away! Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.|What? You open at one shekel.|I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800. No.|1,750? Go away!|1,740? Leave him alone!|All right, two shekels.|Isn't this fun, eh? Look, he's not giving you|any money, so piss off! All right. Half a shekel|for an old exleper?|Did you say "exleper"? Sixteen years behind the bell,|and proud of it, sir. Well, what happened?|I were cured, sir. Cured?|Yes, a bloody miracle, sir. Well, who cured you?|Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along,|minding my own business. All of a sudden,|up he comes, cures me! One minute,|I'm a leper with a trade; next minute,|my livelihood's gone. "You're cured, mate".|Bloody dogooder. Well, why don't you go and tell him|that you want to be a leper again? I could do that, sir.|Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. I was gonna ask him if he'd|make me a bit lame in one leg|during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable but not|leprosy, which is a pain in the ass. Brian! Come and clean|your room out! There you are.|Thank you, sir. Thank Half a denary?|Me bloody life story. There's no pleasing|some people. That's just|what Jesus said, sir. Oh!|Good afternoon. Oh, uh, hello, officer. I'll be with you in a few|moments, all right, dear? What's he doing here?|Don't start that, Brian.|Go and clean your room out. Bloody Romans!|Now look, Brian. If it wasn't for him,|we wouldn't have all this. And don't you forget it.|We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum. Well, that's not entirely true.|What do you mean? Well, you know you were|asking me about your|My nose? Yes. Well, there's a reason|it's like it is, Brian. What is it? Well, I suppose I should've|told you a long time ago What?|Well, Brian... your father|isn't Mr. Cohen. Well, I never thought he was.|None of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion|in the Roman army. You mean you were raped?|Well, at first, yes. Who was it?|Naughtius Maximus, his name was. Promised me|the known world, he did. I was to be taken to Rome,|housed by the Forum slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way|with me, he had Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!|The bastard! Yeah, so next time you go on|about the bloody Romans, don't forget|you're one of 'em! I'm not a Roman, Mum!|And I never will be! I'm a kike, a Yid,|a hebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea|pedestrian, and proud of it! Sex, sex, sex. That's all|they think about, huh? Well, how are you,|then, officer? Ladies and gentlemen,|the next contest... is between... Frank Goliath,|the Macedonian babycrusher, and Boris Mineburg. Larks' tongues.|Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains.|Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em|while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.|Tuscany fried bats. I do feel, Reg, that any|antilmperialist group like ours... must reflect such a divergence|of interest within its power base. Oh, great. Francis?|Yeah, I think Judith's point|of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement|never forgets... that it is the inalienable|right of every man|Or woman. or woman|to rid himself Or herself.|or herself Agreed.|Thank you, brother. Or sister.|Or sister. Where was I? I think you finished.|Oh, right. Furthermore, it is|the birthright of every man Or woman.|Why don't you shut up about women? Women have a perfect right|to play a part in our movement. Why are you always on|about women, Stan? I want to be one. What?|I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all|to call me "Loretta". What?|It's my right as a man. Well, why do you want|to be Loretta, Stan? I want to have babies. You want to have babies? It's every man's right|to have babies if he wants them. But you can't have babies.|Don't you oppress me. I'm not oppressing you.|You haven't got a womb. Where is the fetus|gonna gestate? You're gonna keep it|in a box? Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that|he can't actually have babies, not having a womb which is|nobody's fault, not even the Romans' but that he can have|the right to have babies? Good idea, Judith.|We shall fight the oppressors... for your right to have|babies, brother Sister. Sorry.|What's the point? What?|What's the point of fighting|for his right to have babies... when he can't have babies? It is symbolic of our|struggle against oppression. Symbolic of his struggle|against reality. It's dangerous out there. Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.|Ocelot spleens. Got any nuts?|Haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers,|badger spleens|No, no, no. Otters' noses?|I don't want that Roman rubbish! Why don't you sell proper food?|Proper food? Yeah, and not those rich,|lmperialist tidbits. Well, don't blame me.|I didn't ask to sell this stuff. All right.|Bag of otters' noses, then. Make it two. Thanks, Reg.|Two. Are you the Judean People's Front?|Fuck off! What?|Judean People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front!|Wankers. Can I join your group?|No. Piss off. I didn't want to sell|this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody!|Shhh. Shhh! Are you sure?|Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans. Listen, if you wanted|to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really|hate the Romans. I do.|Oh, yeah? How much? A lot. Right. You're in. Listen. The only people|we hate more than the Romans... are the fuckin'|Judean People's Front. Yeah!|Splitters! And the Judean Popular People's Front.|Oh, yeah! Splitters! And the People's Front of Judea.|Splitters! What?|The People's Front of Judea. We're the People's Front of Judea! Oh. I thought we were|the Popular Front. People's Front! What happened to the Popular Front?|He's over there. Splitter! Oh! I think I'm about|to have a cardiac arrest. Absolutely dreadful. Brother! Haha!|What's your name? Brian. Brian Cohen. We may have a little job|for you, Brian. What's this, then?|"Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes,|they go the house"? Ilt says "Romans, go home". No, it doesn't.|What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!|"Romanes"? Goes like?|"Annus"? Vocative plural of "annus" is?|"Anni"? "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?|"Go". Conjugate the verb "to go". "lre, eo, is, it,|imus, itis, eunt". So "eunt" is? Third person plural,|present indicative. "They go". But "Romans, go home" is|an order, so you must use the The imperative.|Which is? Um, oh, oh, "i". How many Romans?|Aah! Plural, plural. "Ite".|"Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion|towards, isn't it, Brian? Dative! No, not dative! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".|Except when "domus" takes the Locative, sir.|Which is? "Domum".|"Domum". "Um". Understand?|Yes, sir. Now, write it out 100 times. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.|Hail Caesar, sir. Hail Caesar. If it's not done|by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.|Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Finished! Right. Now,|don't do it again. Hey, bloody Romans! We're gettin' in through the|underground heating system here, up through into the main|audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform|Pilate that she is in our custody... and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?|What exactly are the demands? We're giving Pilate|two days to dismantle... the entire apparatus of|the Roman lmperialist State, and if he doesn't agree|immediately, we execute her. Cut her head off?|Cut all her bits off. Send them back|on the hour, every hour. And, of course, we point out|that they bear... full responsibility|when we chop her up... and that we shall not submit|to blackmail. No blackmail! They bled us white, the bastards.|They've taken everything we had. And not just from us. From our fathers|and from our fathers' fathers. And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.|Yeah. And from our fathers'|fathers' fathers' fathers.|Don't labor the point. And what have they ever|given us in return? The aqueduct.|What? The aqueduct. Oh, yeah, yeah.|They did give us that. And the sanitation. Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.|Remember what the city used to be like. Yeah, I'll grant you,|the aqueduct and sanitation are|two things the Romans have done. And the roads.|Well, obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go|without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation,|the aqueduct and the roads lrrigation.|Medicine. Education.|Yeah, all right. Fair enough. And the wine. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,|Reg, if the Romans left. Public baths.|And it's safe to walk|in the streets at night. Yeah, they certainly keep order.|They're the only ones who could|in a place like this. All right, but apart from|the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order,|irrigation, roads, the fresh water system|and public health, what have the Romans|ever done for us? Brought peace.|Oh, peace! Shut up! I'm a poor man.|My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent. It's all right, Matthias. It's all clear. Well, where's Reg? Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith. What went wrong?|The first blow has been struck. Did he finish the slogan?|A hundred times, in letters ten foot high,|all the way around the palace. Oh, great. Great. We We need doers|in our movement, Brian, but before you join us, know this: There is not one of us who|would not gladly suffer death... to rid this country of|the Romans once and for all. Oh, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.|Are you with us? Yes. From now on you shall be called|"Brian that is called Brian". Tell him about the raid|on Pilate's palace, Francis. Right.|This is the plan. Now, this is the palace|on Caesar's Square. Our commando unit will approach|from Fish Street under cover of night... and make our way|to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers|on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader|and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant|at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking|part in any terrorist action... as he has a bad back. Aren't you going to come with us?|Solidarity, brother. Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg. Once in the sewer,|timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later|in the evening, so you must move fast. And don't wear|your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the|CaesarAugustus memorial sewer, and from there proceed|directly to the hypocaust. This has just been retiled. So,|terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath|Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk|to get out his prong. Shhh. Shhh. Campaign for Free Galilee. Oh, uh, People's Front|of Judea. Officials. Oh.|What's your group doing here? We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,|take her back, issue demands. So are we. That's our plan.|What? We were here first.|What do you mean? We thought of it first.|We did! Yes, a couple of years ago.|We did! Come on. You got all your demands|worked out, then? Of course we have.|What are they? Well, I'm not telling you.|Oh, come on! That's not the point.|We thought of it before you. Did not!|We did! You bastards, we've been|planning this for months. Well, tough pity for you,|Fish Face. Oh! Brothers, we should|be struggling together. We mustn't fight each other. Surely, we should be united|against the common enemy. The Judean People's Front! No, no, the Romans! Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's right. Right. Where were we?|You were gonna punch me. Brothers! What You lucky bastard. Who's that? You lucky, lucky bastard. What?|Quite the little jailer's pet, are we? What do you mean?|You must've slipped him a few shekels. Slipped him a few shekels?|You saw him spit in my face. Oh, what wouldn't I give|to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night|dreaming of being spat at in the face. Well, it's not exactly friendly.|They have me in manacles. Manacles? My idea of heaven is to be|allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines|out of your ass, son. Oh, lay off me!|I've had a hard time! You've had a hard time?|I've been here five years. They only hung me the right way|up yesterday, so don't you All right, all right. They must think|you're Lord God Almighty. What will they do to me?|Oh, you'll probably|get away with crucifixion. Crucifixion?|Yeah, first offense. Get away with crucifixion?|It's Best thing the Romans ever did for us.|What? Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,|this country'd be in a bloody mess. Guard!|Nail him up, I say! Guard!|Nail some sense into him! What do you want? I want you to move me to another cell. Aah!|Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism. Shut up, you!|Sorry. Now take my case.|They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for|20 minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair|in view of what I've done. And if nothing else, it's|taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll|never get anywhere in this life... unless you're prepared to do|a fair day's work for a fair day's Oh, shut up! Here.|Pilate wants to see you. Me?|Come on! Pilate? What's he want|to see me for? I think he wants to know which way up|you want to be crucified. Nice one, centurion. Like it. Shut up!|Right, right. Terrific race, the Romans.|Terrific! Hail Caesar.|Hail. Only one survivor, sir.|Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor. What's that?|Throw him to the floor. Oh. Now, what is|your name, Jew? Brian, sir.|"Bwian", eh? No, no. Brian. Aah! The little rascal|has "spiwit". Has what, sir?|"Spiwit". Yes, he did, sir. No, no. "Spiwit", "bwavado",|a touch of "dewwingdo". Oh, uh, about 11, sir. So, you dare to "waid" us? To what, sir? "Stwike" him, centurion,|very "woughly". Aah!|And "thwow" him to the floor, sir? What?|"Thwow" him to the floor again, sir? Oh, yes, "thwow" him|to the floor, please. Aah!|Now, Jewish "wapscallion" I'm not Jewish.|I'm a Roman. A "Woman"?|No, no. Roman. Aah! So, your father was|a "Woman". Who was he? He was a centurion|in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. Really?|What was his name? "Naughtius Maximus". Centurion, do you have|anyone of that name in the garrison? Well, no, sir. Well, you sound very sure.|Have you checked? Well, no, sir.|I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"|or "Biggus Dickus", sir. What's funny|about "Biggus Dickus"? Well, it's a joke name, sir. I have a very great|friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus. Silence!|What is all this insolence? You will find yourself|in gladiator school "vewy" quickly... with "wotten" behavior like that. Can I go now, sir?|Aaah! Wait till Biggus Dickus|hears of this. "Wight"! Take him away! Oh, sir, he|I want him fighting wild,|"wabid" animals within a week. Yes, sir.|Come on, you. I will not have my friends|"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy". Anyone else feel like|a little giggle... when I mention my "fwiend", Biggus... Dickus? What about you?|Do you find it "wisible"... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? He has a wife, you know? You know what she's called? She's called "lncontinentia". "lncontinentia Buttocks". Shut up!|What is all this? I've had enough of this|"wowdy", "webel" behavior! Silence! Quiet!|"Pwaetowian" guards! Seize him! Seize him!|Blow your noses and seize him! Hmm? Hmm. Oh, you lucky bastard. And the bezan|shall be huge and black... And the eyes thereof red with|the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon... shall ride forth|on a threeheaded serpent! And throughout the lands|there'll be a great rubbing of parts. The demon shall bear|a ninebladed sword. Ninebladed not two|or five or seven, but nine which he will wield on all wretched|sinners, just like you, sir, there. And the whoring shall be|on the head of Addius. There shall in that time|be rumors of things going astray, um, and there shall be a great confusion|as to where things really are. And nobody will really know|where lieth... those little things... with the sort of raffia work|base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend|shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know|where lieth... the things possessed|by their fathers... that their fathers put there|only just the night before about 8:00. Yea, it is written|in the Book of Cyril... in that time How much, quick?|It's for the wife. Oh, uh, 20 shekels.|Right. What?|There you are. Wait a minute.|What? We're supposed to haggle.|No, no, no. I've got to get What do you mean, no?|I haven't got time. Well, give it back, then.|No, no. I just paid you. Burt, this bloke won't haggle.|Won't haggle? All right.|Do we have to? I want 20 for that.|I just gave you 20. Are you telling me|that's not worth 20 shekels?|No. Feel the quality.|That's none of your goat.|I'll give you 19, then. No, no, no. Do it properly.|What? Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.|You just said it was worth 20. Oh, dear, oh, dear.|Come on, haggle. All right, I'll give you ten.|That's more like it. Ten? Are you|trying to insult me? Me with a poor, dying|grandmother? Ten? All right, I'll give you 11.|Now you're gettin' it. Did I hear you right? Eleven?|This cost me 12. You want to ruin me? Seventeen?|No, no, no, no. Seventeen. Eighteen.|No, no. You go to 14 now. All right, I'll give you 14.|Fourteen? Are you joking? That's what you told me to say!|Oh, dear. Oh, tell me|what to say, please! Offer me 14.|I'll give you 14. He's offering me 14 for this!|Fifteen! Seventeen. My last word. I won't take|a penny less, or strike me dead. Sixteen.|Done. Nice to do business with you. I'll throw you in this as well.|I don't want it, but thanks. Burt.|All right, all right. Now, where's the 16 you owe me?|I just gave you 20. Right. That's four I owe you, then.|That's right. That's fine. I've got it here somewhere.|That's four for the gourd. Four? For this gourd? Look at it! It's worth ten|if it's worth a shekel. You gave it to me for nothing.|Yes, but it's worth ten. All right, all right. No, no, no, no.|It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue.|"Ten for that? You must be mad". Oh, well.|One born every minute. Daniel.|Daniel. Job.|Job. Joshua.|Joshua. Judges.|Judges. And Brian.|And Brian. I now propose that all seven|of these exbrothers... be now entered in the minutes|as probationary martyrs to the cause. I second that, Reg.|Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings, let us not|be down on it. One total catastrophe like this... is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths|shall unite us all in Look out! Hello? Matthias? Reg?|Go away. Reg, it's me, Brian. Get off!|Get off out of it! Stan!|Piss off. Yeah, piss off.|Bugger off. Oh, shit! Coming. Yea, verily at that time it is|written in the book of Obadiah, a man shall strike his donkey|and his nephew's donkey. My eyes are dim.|I cannot see. Are you Matthias?|Yes. We have reason to believe|you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organization,|the People's Front of Judea. Me? No.|I'm just a poor old man. I have no time|for lawbreakers. My legs are grey.|My ears are nulled. My eyes are old and bent. Quiet!|Silly person. Guards, search the house. You know the penalty|laid down by Roman law... for harboring|a known criminal? No.|Crucifixion. Oh. Nasty, eh?|Could be worse. What do you mean,|"Could be worse"? Well, you could be stabbed. Stabbed? Takes a second.|Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Well, at least it gets you|out in the open air. You're weird. No, sir.|Couldn't find anything, sir. Well, don't worry.|You've not seen the last of us, weirdo. Big Nose.|Watch it! Whew, that was lucky. I'm sorry, Reg. Oh, it's all right.|He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion|straight to our headquarters. Well, that's all right,|then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone.|Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, birdbrained,|flatheaded My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes? There's one place|we didn't look. Guards! I'm just a poor old man. My nose is knackered. Have you ever seen|anyone crucified? Crucifixion's a doddle. Don't keep saying that. Found this spoon, sir. Well done, sergeant. We'll be back, oddball. Open up! You haven't given us|time to hide. ln that time|The serpent, he shall strike you Holes from every bitch|you got germs from|Jumbo jets Don't pass judgement|on other people... or you might|get judged yourself. What?|I said, don't pass|judgement on other people... or else you might|get judged too. Who, me?|Yes. Thank you very much.|Not just you. All of you. That's a nice gourd.|What? How much do you want for the gourd?|You can have it. Have it?|Yes. Consider the lilies. Don't you want to haggle?|No. In the field. What's wrong with it?|Nothing. Take it. Consider the lilies?|Well, the birds, then. What birds?|Any birds. Why?|Well, have they got jobs? Who?|The birds. Have the birds got jobs? What's the matter with him?|Says the birds are scrounging. The point is, the birds,|they do all right, don't they? Well, good luck to 'em.|Yeah, they're very pretty. Okay. And you're much more|important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about?|There you are. See? I'm worrying about what|you've got against birds. I haven't got anything|against the birds. Consider the lilies.|He's having a go at the flowers now! Give the flowers a chance.|I'll give you one for it. It's yours.|Two, then. Look, there was this man,|and he had two servants. What were they called?|What were their names? I don't know.|And he gave them some talents. You don't know?|Well, it doesn't matter. He doesn't know|what they were called! They were called Simon and Adrian.|You said you didn't know! It really doesn't matter. The point is,|there were these two servants. He's making it up as he goes along.|No, I'm not! And he gave them|Wait, were there three? Oh, he's terrible. There were two or three.|Oh, get off! Now hear this!|Blessed are they... Three.|who convert their neighbor's asses. For they shall inhibit their girth.|Rubbish! And to them only shall be given to them only... shall be given What?|Hmm? Shall be given what?|Oh, nothing. What were you going to say?|Nothing. Yes, you were going to say something.|No, I finished. Tell us before you go.|I'm finished. No, you don't.|Why won't he tell? Won't say!|It ain't a secret, is it? Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.|Tell us. Leave me alone.|What is the secret? ls it the secret of eternal life?|He won't say. If I knew the secret|of eternal life, I wouldn't say. Leave me alone!|Just tell me, please. We were here first. Go away!|Tell us, master. ls that his gourd?|Yeah, but it's under offer. This is his gourd. Ten!|It is his gourd! We will carry it|for you, master. Master?|He's gone! He's been taken up. He's been taken up! Nineteen!|No, there he is. Over there. Look! Oh! Oh! He has given us a sign. He has given us his shoe! The shoe is the sign.|Let us follow his example. What?|Let us, like him, hold up one shoe! For this is his sign that all|who follow him shall do likewise! Yes!|No, no. The shoe is a sign... that we must gather shoes|together in abundance. Cast off the shoes.|Follow the gourd! No, let us gather shoes|together! Let me! No, it is a sign that, like him, we must|think not of the things of the body... but of the face and head. Give me your shoe!|Get off! Follow the gourd,|the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem! The gourd!|Hold up the sandal,|as he has commanded us. It is a shoe!|It's a sandal! No, it isn't!|Cast it away! Put it on!|Clear off! Take the shoes|and follow him! Come back! Stop! Let us Let us pray. Yea, he cometh to us... Iike the seeds of the grain. Master! Master! Hey! ls there|another way down? Is there another path|down to the river? Please, please help me.|I've got to get Oh, my foot! Oh Shhh.|Oh, damn, damn, damn! I'm sorry.|Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it! I'm sorry. Shhh.|Don't you "shhh" me. Eighteen years of total silence,|and you "shhh" me! What?|I've kept my vow for 18 years... Not a single, recognizable,|articulate sound has passed my lips. Could you be quiet|for another five minutes? It doesn't matter now.|I might as well enjoy myself. For the last 18 years,|I've wanted to shout... and sing and scream|my name out! Shhh. Shhh.|Oh, I'm alive! " Hava nagila, hava nagila " " Hava nagila " Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!|Hello, birds. Hello, trees. I'm alive! I'm alive! " Hava nagila|Hava n'ra, n'ra " Master! Master! Master! Master!|The master! He is here! His shoe led us to him! Speak! Speak to us, master.|Speak to us! Go away! A blessing! A blessing! How shall we go away, master? Oh, just go away|and leave me alone! Give us a sign! He has given us a sign!|He has brought us to this place! I didn't bring you here.|You just followed me. Oh, it's still a good sign|by any standard. Master, your people|have walked many miles to be with you! They are weary|and have not eaten. It's not my fault|they haven't eaten. There is no food|in this high mountain! What about the juniper|bushes over there? A miracle! A miracle! He has made the bush|fruitful by his words! They've brought forth|juniper berries. Of course! They're juniper bushes!|What do you expect! Show us another miracle. Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of|the juniper bushes enough? I say, those|are my juniper bushes! They are a gift from God.|They're all I've got to eat. I say, get off those bushes.|Go on. Clear off. Lord, I am affected|by a bald patch. I'm healed!|The master has healed me! I didn't touch him! I was blind,|and now I can see! A miracle! A miracle! Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word|for 18 years till he came along. A miracle!|He is the Messiah! He hurt my foot! Hurt my foot!|Hurt mine! Hail Messiah!|I'm not the Messiah. I say you are, Lord, and I should know.|I've followed a few. Hail Messiah! I'm not the Messiah!|Will you please listen? I'm not the Messiah!|Do you understand? Honestly! Only the true Messiah|denies his divinity. What? Well, what sort of chance|does that give me? All right,|I am the Messiah! He is!|He is the Messiah! Now, fuck off! How shall we|fuck off, O Lord? Just leave me alone! You told these people|to eat my juniper berries! You break my bloody foot,|you break my vow of silence... and then you try to clean up|on my juniper bushes! Lay off!|This is the Messiah, the Chosen One! No, he's not.|An unbeliever! An unbeliever!|Persecute. Kill the heretic! Seize him!|Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Let him go! Please! Brian?|Judith? Cockadoodledoo! Look! There he is!|The Chosen One has woken! Brian! Brian!|Hang on, Mother! Shhh. Hello, Mother.|Don't you "Hello, Mother" me! What are all those people|doing out there? Well, I|Come on. What have you been up to? I think they must have|popped by for something. Popped by?|Swarmed by, more like. There's a multitude out there! They started following me yesterday. Well, they can stop|following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be|ashamed of yourselves. The Messiah! The Messiah!|Show us the Messiah! The who?|The Messiah! There's no messiah in here. There's a mess, all right,|but no messiah. Now, go away. Brian! Brian! Right, my lad.|What have you been up to? Nothing, Mum.|Come on, out with it. Well, they think|I'm the Messiah, Mum. What have you|been telling them? Nothing. I only|You're only making it|worse for yourself. I can explain.|Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him|because they believe in him. They believe he can give them hope|hope of a new life, a new world,|a better future! Who's that? That's Judith, Mum.|Judith, Mother. Hmm. Aaah! Ohhh!|Messiah! Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!|Show us the Messiah! Now, you listen here.|He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy.|Now, go away! Who are you?|I'm his mother, that's who. Behold his mother!|Behold his mother! Hail to thee,|mother of Brian! Blessed art thou!|Hosanna! All praise to thee,|now and always! Well, now don't think|you can get around me like that. He's not coming out,|and that's my final word. Now, shove off!|No! Did you hear what I said?|Yes! Oh, I see.|It's like that, is it? Yes!|Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute,|but not one second more! Do you understand?|Yes. Promise?|Well... all right. All right, here he is, then.|Come on, Brian. Come and talk. But, Mum, Judith.|Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone. I don't really want to. Brian! Brian!|Brian! Brian! Good morning.|A blessing! A blessing! No, no. Please.|Please, please listen. I've got one or two|things to say. Tell us!|Tell us both of them! Look, you've|got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need|to follow anybody. You've got to think|for yourselves. You're all individuals. Yes, we're all individuals! You're all different. Yes, we're all different! I'm not.|Shhh. You've all got to work it|out for yourselves. Yes, we've got to work it|out for ourselves! Exactly. Tell us more! No! That's the point!|Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise Ow! That's enough.|That's enough. Ooh, that wasn't a minute! Oh, yes it was!|Oh, no it wasn't! Now, stop that!|And go away! Excuse me?|Yes? Are you a virgin?|I beg your pardon! Well, if it's not a personal|question, are you a virgin? If it's not|a personal question? How much more personal|can you get? Now, piss off! She is.|Yeah, definitely. Morning, Savior. Lay your hands|on me, quick! Now, don't jostle|the Chosen One, please. Don't push that baby|in the Savior's face. I say, could you just|see my wife? You'll have to wait,|I'm afraid. We've got|a luncheon appointment. The lepers are queuing. My brotheronlaw|is the exmayor of Gath! Brian, can I introduce|the gentleman who's letting us|have the Mounts on Sunday? Don't push!|And keep the noise down! Those possessed by devils,|try and keep them under control. Incurables, you'll just|have to wait for a few minutes. Um, women taken in sin, line up|against that wall, will you? Brian? Brian,|you were fantastic. You weren't so bad yourself. No. What you said just now.|It was quite extraordinary. What?|All that, was it? We don't any leaders.|You're so right. Reg has been dominating us|for too long.|Well, yes. It needed saying,|and you said it, Brian.|You're very attractive. It's our revolution.|We can all do it together. I think. I think|We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands!|What? No, that's not|what I meant at all! You're fuckin' nicked,|me old beauty. Right. Stop it. Well, "Bwian", you've given us|a good "wun" for our money, what? But this time, I "guawantee"|you will not escape. Guard, do we have any|"cwucifixions" today? 139, sir. Special celebration.|Passover, sir. Right. Now we have 140.|Nice, round number, eh, Biggus? Hail Caesar! Hail.|The crowd outside getting restless. Permission|to disperse them, please. Disperse them?|I haven't addressed them yet. I know, sir, but My "addwess" is one of|the high points of the Passover. My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has|come all the way from "Wome". Hail Caesar.|Hail "Thaesar", You're not Are you not thinking of giving it|a miss this year, then, sir? Give it a miss? Well, it's just that they're in|a rather funny mood today, sir. "Weally", "centuwion", I'm "surpwised"|to hear a man like you... "wattled" by|a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels". Uh, a bit thundery, sir.|Take him away. I'm a Roman!|Il can prove it! Honestly! And "cwucify" him well.|Yes. Biggus. Il really wouldn't, sir.|Out of the way, "centuwion". Let me come with you,|Pontius. I may be of "thome" "athistance"|if there is a "thudden" "crithis". Right. Now item four:|Attainment of world supremacy|within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been|doing some work on this?|Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings,|I think five years is optimistic... unless we can smash the Roman Empire|within the next 12 months. Twelve months, yeah?|Twelve months. And let's face it, as empires|go, this is the big one, so we gotta get up off our asses|and stop just talkin' about it. Hear! Hear!|It's action that counts, not words. And we need action now!|Hear! Hear! You're right. We could|sit around here all day, talkin', passin' resolutions,|makin' clever speeches. It's not gonna shift|one Roman soldier! So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.|It's completely pointless. And it's gettin' us nowhere.|Right! I agree. This is a complete|waste of time. They've arrested Brian!|What? What? They dragged him off!|They want to crucify him! Right! This calls|for immediate discussion! What?|lmmediate! Right.|New motion? Completely new motion.|Uh, that, uh, that there be|immediate action Once the vote has been taken.|Obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act on a resolution|till you've voted on it.|Reg, let's go now, please! Right! ln the light of fresh|information from Sibling Judith.|Not so fast, Reg. Reg, for God's sake!|It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do|is to go out of that door now... and try to stop the Romans|nailing him up! It's happening, Reg!|Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand? Oh! Ooh. Ooh. Yup. A little ego trip|from the feminists? What?|Oh, sorry, Loretta? Uh, read that back,|would you? Next? Crucifixion? Yes.|Good. Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each. Next? Crucifixion? Yes.|Good. Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each. Next? Crucifixion? Uh, no, freedom.|Mmm? What? Uh, freedom for me.|They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free|and live on an island somewhere. Oh. Well, that's jolly good.|Well, off you go then. No, I'm only pulling your leg.|It's crucifixion, really. Oh, I see.|Very good, very good. Well, out of the door|Yeah, I know the way. Out the door, one cross each,|line on the left. Line on the left. Yes, thank you. Crucifixion? Good.|Yes. People of "Jewusalem", "Wome" is your "fwiend". To "pwove" our "fwiendship",|it is "customawy" at this time... to "welease" a "wandewer"|"fwom" our "pwisons". Whom would you|have me "welease"? "Welease" "Woger"! "Welease" "Woger"!|"Welease" "Woger"! "Vewy" well,|I shall "welease" "Woger"! Sir, uh, we don't|have a Roger, sir. What?|Uh, we don't have anyone|of that name, sir. Ah. We have no "Woger". Well, what about|"Wodewick", then? Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!|Release "Wodewick"! "Centuwion",|why do they titter so? Just some,|uh, Jewish joke, sir. Are they... "wagging" me? Oh, no, sir. "Vewy" well.|I shall "welease" "Wodewick"! Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either. No "Woger", no "Wodewick".|Sorry, sir. Who is this "Wog" Who is|this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"? He's a "wobber"! And a "wapist"! And a pickpocket! Yeah Shh! Shh!|Shut up! He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal".|We haven't got him, sir. Do we have anyone|in our "pwisons" at all? Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.|Samson? Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.|Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin. Uh, several seditious scribes|from Caesarea. Uh, 67|Let me "thpeak" to them. Oh, no|Yes, good idea, Biggus. Citizens, we have|Samson the Sadducee Strangler, Silus the Assyrian Assassin Several seditious scribes|from Caesarea. Next. Crucifixion?|Yes. Good. Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each. Jailer|Excuse me. There's been|some sort of mistake. Just a moment, would you?|Jailer, how many have come through? What? Uh, how many|have come through? What?|YYYYou'll have to... spespspespspspspeak up|a bit, sir. He'sHe'sHe's He's de|Ah. He's deaf He's deaf|He's deaf as a pppost, sir. Oh, yes. Uh, how many|have come through? Oh, dear.|I make it ninetyf ninetyf ninetyf ninetysix, sir. It's such a senseless waste|of human life, isn't it? NNNNo, sir. NNot with these bbastards, sir. CC N CCCru CCrucifixion's|too good 'em, sir. I don't think you can say it's|too good for them. It's very nasty. Oh, it's not as nnnana not as nasty as something|I just thought up, sir. Yeah. Now, crucifixion?|ls there someone I can speak to? Well|I know where to get it, if you want it. What?|DDon't worry about hihim, sir. HHe's de He's de|He's dedede He's deaf and mad, sir.|Well, how did he get the job? BBloody Pilate's pet, sir. Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people|waitin' to be crucified out here. Could I see a lawyer or someone? Um, do, do you have a lawyer?|No, but I'm a Roman. How about a retrial?|We got plenty of time. Shut up, you!|Miserable Romans. No sense of humor. I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out?|Line on the left, one cross each. Now Was it something I said? Silence! This man commands|a "cwack" legion! He "wanks" as high|as any in "Wome". Crucifixion party. Morning. Now, we will be on|a show as we go through the town, so let's not|let the side down. Keep in a straight line, three lengths|between you and the man in front... and a good, steady pace. Crosses over|your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs|hard up against the cross beam, you'll be there in no time. All right, centurion. Crucifixion party|Wait for it! Crucifixion party,|by the left, forward! You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards! Let me shoulder|your burden, brother. Oh, thank you. HHey! Hey!|Hey, what do you think you're doing? Uh, it's not my cross.|Shut up and get on with it! He had you there, mate, didn't he?|That'll teach you a lesson. All right. I'm gonna give you|one more chance. This time I want to hear|no "Weubens", no "Weginalds", no "Wudolph|the Wednosed Weindeers". No Spencer Tracys!|Or we shall release no one! Release Brian!|Oh, yeah. That's a good one. "Welease" "Bwian"!|"Welease" "Bwian"! "Vewy" well. That's it. Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.|What? Uh, you just sent him|for crucifixion, sir. Wait, wait.|We do have a "Bwian". Well, go and "wepwieve" him,|"stwaight" away.|Yes, sir. Yes, sir. "Vewy" well. I shall... "welease" "Bwian"! Get a move on, there!|Or what? Or you'll be in trouble.|Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up|being crucified in the afternoons? Shut up!|That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do.|Oh, thank you. Are they gone? WWe've got lumps of it|round the back. What?|Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's ma|He's m He's ma He's mm|He's mm He's mad, sir.|Are they gone? Oh, ye N I n Uh, I n NNNN NNNN|Oh, come on! Yes, sir. Anyway, get on with the story.|Well, I knew she never|really liked him, so I just Right. That's the motion to get on with it,|passed with one abstention. I propose we go without further ado.|May I have a seconder for Let's just go.|Yeah. Oh, no! Bloody Romans!|Watch it! There's still|a few crosses left. Up you go, Big Nose. I'll get you for this, you bastard.|Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Don't worry.|I never forget a face.|No? I warn you, I'm gonna punch you|so hard, you Roman git! Shut up, you Jewish turd! Who are you calling Jewish?|I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!|A Samaritan? This is supposed|to be a Jewish section. It doesn't matter.|You're all gonna die in a day or two! It may not matter to you, Roman,|but it certainly matters to us,|doesn't it, darling? Oh, rather!|Under the terms|of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified|in a purely Jewish area. Pharisees separate|from Sadducees. And Swedish separate from Welsh! All right, all right, all right.|We'll soon settle this. Hands up all those who don't|want to be crucified here. Right. Next! Uh, look. It's not my cross.|What? Um, it's not my cross.|I was, um, holding it for someone. Just lie down.|I haven't got all day. No, of course. Look.|I hate to make a fuss Look. We've had a busy day.|There's 140 of you lot to get up. ls he Jewish?|Will you be quiet? We don't want any more|Samaritans around here. Belt up!|Will you let me down if he comes back? Yeah, yeah,|we'll let you down. Next! You don't have to do this.|You don't have to take orders. I like orders. See? Not so bad,|once you're up. You being rescued, then,|are you? It's a bit late for that now,|isn't it? Oh, now, now. We've got|a couple of days up here. Plenty of time.|Lots of people get rescued. Oh?|Yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail|for more than 20 minutes. Oh?|Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. Hello.|Your family arrived, then? Reg! Hello, Sibling Brian.|Thank God you've come, Reg. Well, I think I should point out|first, Brian, in all fairness,|we are not the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read|the following prepared statement... on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea|brackets, officials, end brackets "do hereby convey our sincere|fraternal and sisterly greetings... to you, Brian, on this,|the occasion of your martyrdom". What?|"Your death will stand as a landmark... "in the continuing struggle|to liberate the parent land... "from the hands of the Roman|imperialist aggressors, "excluding those concerned with|drainage, medicine, roads, housing, "education, viniculture and any|other Romans contributing... "to the welfare of Jews of|both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf|of the P.F.J., etc". And I'd just like to add,|on a personal note, my own admiration... for what you're doing|for us, Brian, and what must be, after all,|for you a very difficult time. Reg, wwhat are you going to|Goodbye, Brian, and thanks. Well done, Brian.|Keep it up, lad. Terrific work, Brian. Right. And " For he's a jolly good fellow " " For he's a jolly good fellow " " For he's a jolly good fellow " " And so say all of us " " And so say all of " You bastards! You bastards!|You sanctimonious bastards!|Where is Brian of Nazareth? I have an order for his release.|You stupid bastards! Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.|What? Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.|Take him down. I'm Brian of Nazareth!|I'm Brian! I'm Brian!|I'm Brian! I'm Brian!|I'm Brian, and so's my wife! I'm Brian!|I'm Brian! Take him away|and release him. No, I'm only joking. I'm not|really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only It was a joke.|I'm only pulling your leg. It's a joke! I'm not him!|I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans.|Can't take a joke. The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front! Forward all! Come on!|The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front! We are the Judean People's Front|Crack Suicide Squad. Suicide Squad, attack! That showed them. You silly sods. Brian! Brian! Brian! Judith!|Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me.|I think it's great, what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll, I'll never forget you. So there you are! I might have known|it would end up like this. To think of all the love and|affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat|your poor old mother... in the autumn years|of her life, all I can say is,|go ahead, be crucified! See if I care.|I might have known Mum! Mum!|I don't know|what the world's coming to. Cheer up, Brian.|You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just|make you swear and curse. " When you're chewing|on life's gristle " " Don't grumble|Give a whistle " " And this'll help things|turn out for the best " " And " " Always look|on the bright side of life " " Always look|on the light side of life " " lf life seems jolly rotten|there's something you've forgotten " " And that's to laugh and smile|and dance and sing " " When you're feeling in the dumps " " Don't be silly chumps " " Just purse your lips and|whistle, that's the thing " " And always look|on the bright side of life " " Always look|on the bright side of life " " For life is quite absurd " " And death's the final word " " You must always face|the curtain with a bow " " Forget about your sin " " Give the audience a grin " " Enjoy it, it's|your last chance anyhow " " So always look|on the bright side of death " " Just before you draw|your terminal breath " " Life's a piece of shit|when you look at it " " Life's a laugh and|death's a joke, it's true " " You'll see it's all a show|People laughing as you go " " Just remember that|the last laugh is on you " " And always look|on the bright side of life " " Always look|on the right side of life " Come on, Brian. Cheer up. " Always look|on the bright side of life " " Always look|on the right side of life " Worse things happen|at sea, you know? " Always look|on the bright side of life " What have you got to lose?|You come from nothing. You go back to nothing.|What have you lost? Nothing!|" Always look|on the right side of life " Nothing will come from nothing.|You know what they say? " Always look on "|Cheer up, you old bugger. " The bright side of life "|Give us a grin. There you are. See? It's the end of the film.|Incidentally, this record's|available in the foyer. " Always look|on the right side of life " Who do you think pays for all|this rubbish? " Always look|on the bright side of life " I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,|there'll never make their money back". " Always look|on the right side of life " |
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