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We skippedthe light fandango Turnedcartwheels 'cross the floor I wasfeeling kindofseasick But the crowdcalledout formore The room washummingharder As the ceiling flewaway How's it going? Had your lunch yet? I heard these two kids in a restaurant yesterday. One said, "What's chocolate pudding?" The other said, "It's good. It's a lot like chocolate mousse." Why do I get this feeling I'm not seeing any work today? There's nothin' to see. It's "The Emperor's New Clothes." I'm gonna get slaughtered, man. - Yeah, well, let me see what you got. I'm sure it's a lot-- -Just trust me on this. It's shit. I'm in here, all I want to do is lay down. I'm takin' a dive. Well, ifyou can't work, at least you can eat. Come out with me. I can't. I have to pick up my assistant at the airport. I don't know why she can't take a cab like everybody else. - But, you know-- - Whatever. So, uh, when would think would be a good time for me to come back? The show's in three weeks, you know. Oh, Lionel, Lionel, you go through this before every show. I'm talking 20 years ofthis! Now get to know yourself a little better! You can pull it off, Lionel. You always do! Andso it was That later As the millertoldhis tale That herface at firstjustghostly Turneda whitershade ofpale Shit! - Hi. - What are you doing here? I thought I'd pickyou up so you don't have to hassle with cabs. - Didn't you get my message? - What? I left it on the machine. I said I'm not coming back. What do you mean, you're not comin' back? You're right here. I'd call that comin' back. - You should listen to your machine now and then. - "Listen to your machine"? Doesn't that have a horrifying ring to it, that expression, to listen to your machine? Look, l-- I didn't go to Florida with a girlfriend like I told you. Oh, yeah? I went with somebody else. A guy? - So? So what? Who's the guy? Did he come offthe plane with you? - Why? You want to give him a lift home? Well, I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't curious to see what kind of man rings your bell. - Look, he's not here. - What do you mean, he's not here? What'd he do? Take a goddam Greyhound? We had a fiîght. He left me. I spent most ofthe time down there by myself, okay? - He left me, okay? - He left you? He left you? Who is he? I mean, who in their right mind would leave you? Who is this guy? I know him, right? Gregory Stark. That kid? The comedian? - A performance artist. - Performance artist. What the hell is a performance artist? A person's an actor, a singer, a dancer. I mean, do you call the guy that picks up your garbage a sanitary engineer? A performance artist. And he left you? - Now, you see through that, right? - I don't care. It's over. That's all. Look, I'm moving out. That's what "I'm not coming back" means. Where you gonna go? What can you afford? You gonna move into a dormitory? You don't want to sleep with me any more? Hey, I'm a big boy. You don't have to go out on the street. You had a fling. Big deal. Welcome to the world. I mean, we're still employer and employee, right? I'm leaving New York. I wanna go home. Ah, yeah, well... that's a whole 'nother ball o' wax. You want to split? Fine. Come back, pack up and go. Ifyou drag it out, I'll die. You know that. Come on. Let's get it over with. Shesaidthere isno reason Andthe truth isplain to see But I wanderedthrough myplaying cards And wouldnot let herbe One of16 vestal virgins Who were leaving forthe coast Andalthough my eyes were open Theymightjust as well have been closed Andso it was That later - You know, I can't believe I've never noticed that in here. -Jesus! Has this always been in here? Incredibly handsome kid. Beautiful boy. I can understand the attraction. Did you ever see him perform? - Yeah. - Yeah. How in the hell can you let somebody like that drive you out of New York? -I thought you had more spine than that. -He'sjust some guy. He's not driving me out. It's not him. - It's me? - It's nobody. It's things. - Things? What things? - Don't you reason with me! What about your painting? Huh? You gonna make a little studio in your parents' garage... with rusty hedge clippers hanging on a nail... and pool stuff laying in the corner... and a broken sled and mice? You work for Lionel Dobie. You work for the lion, baby. You stretch canvases. You run a few errands. You got your own room, studio, life lessons that are priceless... plus a salary. And ifyou act now, you'll also receive a handsome sterling service for 24. Look, I'm not kidding. This kills me, you leaving. It's a suicide. This is a time and a place. At your age, you're right in the heart ofthe heart, Paulette. I swear, you walk now, you'll curse yourselfthe rest ofyour days. I don't have to sleep with you any more? Baby, I'm your ally against horse dung and fraud. That's as far as it goes from now on. We skippedthe light fandango Turnedcartwheels 'cross the floor I wasfeeling kindofseasick - But the crowdcalledout formore - God! - The room washummingharder - Ow! Lionel, for God's sakes! Sorry. As the ceiling flewaway When we calledout foranotherdrink The waiterbrought a tray Andso it was That later Is the music too loud? - Uh-uh. -As the millertoldhis tale - You should get some sleep. - That herface at firstjustghostly - I'm working on it. Turneda whitershade ofpale You're gonna sleep like that, you should shut this. Otherwise, come 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning, you'll be freezing. Sorry. Can l, uh, get you anything? - Soup? - "Soup"? Who are you talking to? I don't care. He's driving me crazy. Heythere, now, baby Get into mybigblack car Heynow, baby Get into mybigblack car I wannajustshowyou What mypoliticsare - Don't you knock? - I did. I thought you said, "Come in." I'm sorry, l-- I think I left my sable brush in here. - Did you see it? - What are you doing? - I could've sworn that I left it-- - I'm not sleeping with you. You promised. What? Jesus, you know what? This is crazy. I just had this impulse. I wanted to kiss your foot. - You're nuts. - No, no, no. I'm just working too hard. I'm just getting weird. I'm under a lot of pressure, you know. Phillip's is hanging over my head every day. "The show's in three weeks. Show's in three weeks. Show's in three weeks." Like a goddam mockingbird in my ear! I just wanted to kiss your foot. I'm sorry. It's nothin' personal. You want me to get you anything? That herface at firstjustghostly Turneda whitershade ofpale So... do you love me? Love you? I said I did, yes. What would you do if I left? What would I do? I'd go up on the roof and howl like a gut-shot dog. Well, I don't love you. So what? - Needme - Night andday - Needme - Night andday - Needme - Night andday - Oh, needme - Night andday - Oh, baby - Night andday - Take myhand - Night andday - Don't need - Night andday - No otherman - Night andday - Isaid, baby - Night andday - Baby - Night andday - Baby - Night andday - Whoa, baby, now - Night andday - Oh, come on, baby - Night andday - You knowl wantyou by myside - Night andday - I wantyou to keep - Night andday - Oh, keep mesatisfied, now - Night andday - Isaythe night time, now - Night andday - Whoa, Lord, is the right time - Night andday - Yeah, lookat the oneyou love now - Night andday Well, it'sso nice It's amazing how much more interesting it's getting. - What do you mean, "interesting"? - It's not boring. You know, you got a nice little irony working foryou. - Irony? - Yeah. Nice irony. - How's the tension? Last time-- - It's nice. - Nice? - Yeah, nice. -You're full ofshit, you know that? -You know, you're the only person in the world who could say that to me and live. Look, could you just tell me ifyou think I'm any good? How 'bout that? Just tell me if-if-if... I have any talent or ifyou think I'm wasting my time. Because sometimes I feel I should just quit. Because-- Just tell me what you think. Come on. What the hell difference does it matter what I think? It's yours. I mean, you make art because you have to. 'Cause you got no choice. It's not about talent. It's about no choice but to do it. Now, are you any good? Well, you're 22, so who knows? Who cares? You wanna to give it up? You give it up, you weren't a real artist to begin with. Christ's sake. "You give it up, you weren't a real artist to begin with." What a stupid thing to say. Stupid! Hi, Ma. Not so good. I'm not. I can't. I want to go back to school. I don't know. Can I come home for a little while? No. I just hate it here. - Nowhowdoes it feel - Hey, Lionel. - Lionel! - Howdoes it feel Turn the music down! - To be without a home - Lionel. With no direction home Like a complete unknown Just like a rollingstone Princess on thesteeple andalltheprettypeople They're alldrinkin ' thinkin'that theygot it made Exchangingall preciousgiftsandthings Butyou'dbettertake yourdiamondring down Andpawn it, babe You usedto beso amused At Napoleon in rags andthe language that he used Go to him now, he callsya Ya can't refuse Whenyou ain 'tgot nothin ' yougot nothin'to lose You're invisible Yougot no secrets To conceal Howdoes it feel Howdoes it feel To be without a home With no direction home Like a complete unknown Just like a rollingstone I appreciate you coming with me tonight. I hate these things with a passion. You know this guy Wagner, the party giver... he's in real estate, right? Uh, he come down to my studio one time. He puts his arm around my shoulder and he says... "Lionel, do you understand the importance ofJackson Pollock?" Then he points out all the condos and loft co-op conversions out the window... and he says, "If it wasn't forJackson, none ofthis would be happening." Jackson, right? His old pal. His pal. You know, I haven't had any knock-around friends since 1 968. I've associates, admirers, detractors... ex-wives, rivals-- - I have lots offriends. - That's a very mean thing to say to me. You have a string in your hair. You see right through me, don't you? I was in the army. Army intelligence. You see, they had me draw Russian couples screwing. See, they fiîgured this way, come the next war... they'd drop thousands ofthese drawings behind enemy lines with the message... "Hey, lvan, while you're out here fiîghtin' democracy... ol' Boris is back home doing your wife." - How could you tell the couples were Russians? - Oh, I had 'em wearin' fur hats. I mean, what's the difference? The next war was Vietnam anyhow. - Paulette what? -Just Paulette. So, what's it like to live with the big man? -I don't live with him. I work for him. -She's an artist in her own right, right? - Ah, Pete, this is Paulette. - Paulette what? -Just Paulette. - Oh, yeah, you live with Lionel Dobie. - She works for him. She's an artist. - Yeah, I think it goes back, like, to the lncas and the Aztecs, right? - Really? Do you have visiting... - in your studio? - Don't you feel that? - Uh, well, um-- I, l, uh, collect mainly '50s stuff-- uh, Rothko, Kline, you know. - But I like to keep an ear to the rail. - Excuse me a second. Oh, l-l don't have anything in the studio right now. I-- - Do you have a show up somewhere? - Uh, no, l-- I'm sort of in between galleries. - Where did you show? - Excuse me. Um, may I speak to you a moment? I'll bring her right back, gentlemen. I promise. I got real good at it, all these different sexual positions... and the expressions ofecstasy, and the-- This captain gave me a hundred bucks for a set ofsix. Said it was an anniversary present for his wife. It's the fiîrst stuff I ever sold. - I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Are you an artist? - Yes. Guys who were in my unit who were in combat used to say... "Any day above ground's a good day." Do you think that's true? -Who's that short kid with the earring? -Oh, the ladykiller? That's Reuben Toro. He shows at Bendix. He's not bad. Nice kid too. - Hey, excuse me. Can I talk to you? - Mr Lionel Dobie. - You know, you, sir, are like my Willie Mays. It's a pleasure... - Thankyou. Can I talk to you? - Excuse me. - ...to meet you. - What? - Shut up. Now, look now. I-l don't know how to say this. I mean, I'm not your shepherd or anything. - But people are laughin' at ya out there. - Why? Well, you know that greasy-haired kid you're dancing with? Well, he's here to score and split. I mean, he does this everywhere he's invited. He likes to fiînd some innocent kid, and then he preys upon them. I mean-- I mean, hey, you're a free agent. It's your life. But I'm tellin' ya, ifthat low-rent hound does anything to hurt you or humiliate you, I'll-- I thought you were gonna tell me that they were laughing at me because of my work. Well, this is kinda worse, don't you think? No. No, no, no, no. Let me go out fiîrst. You stay in here a minute. Because if people see us go out together, then their minds make these leaps, you know. - So stay here. - Creep! - Lionel, there you are. Lionel, I want you to meet Kurt Bloom. Hejust bought the Rommel Gallery in Berlin. Lionel Dobie. Lionel Dobie, nice to see you. - Open the door! - It is a great pleasure for me. - Open! - Is there a problem there? - Lionel! - No, just a couple of kids. - Oh. - Uh, Rommel Gallery? - Yes, Rommel Gallery in Berlin. - West Berlin? - West Berlin, yes. - Yes. Nice. - Lionel! - Kurt Bloom? - Kurt Bloom, yes. - I hate you! - I'm really admiring your work. - It's very great to see you here. - Lionel! Happybirthdaytoyou Happybirthdaytoyou Happybirthday, dearGeorge Happybirthdaytoyou Conquistador, there isno time Imustpay my respect Andthough lcame tojeeratyou Ileave now with regret Andas thegloom begins to fall Isee there isno, onlyall Andthoughyou came with swordheldhigh You didnot conquer, only die Andthough lhopedfor something to find Ican see no maze to unwind Andthough lhopedfor something to find Ican see no maze to unwind Oh, man, could I get a cup ofthat? I'm dead and buried. Are you a graffiîti artist, Toro? No, I wouldn't say that. It's for theJapan House tonight. Listen, I'm sorry what I said to you at the party. I-- I just get crazy. It's beautiful. Look, I can't go with you tonight. I made other plans. - Oh, yeah? - I'm going to the Blind Alley with some girlfriends. Oh, yeah? Who's, uh, at the Blind Alley? I just want to show him that I don't give a damn any more, you know? I can go see him, see his stuff-- his stuff, like anybody else. Does that sound like total horseshit, or what? No, absolutely not. I think, uh-- I think we should. I think we should show him that life goes on, that he's not even worth avoiding. I-- I thinkyou have to go right up in his face tonight. - I mean, right up in his face. - I think I'd rather work. No, don't use work as an excuse. Your work's sacred. - Yeah, well, maybe yours is. - No, yours too. Yours too. Now, look, you go with your girlfriends, you go with them... that's like a bunch of high school girls with a crush on some boy. But ify-you walk in with me, you make an entrance with fiîrepower, with dignity. - What aboutJapan House? - Now, fiîrst comes our house. I don't know. I think-- I think you should go right up in his face. See, I don't look for trouble. I mean, but some people do, right? You know, they-- they, like, walk around, you know? They-They-They--They're, like, lookin' for a-- for a fiîght. Like, okay, I had this one guy one time. He's walkin' down the street, and he steps on my foot. All right, it was an accident. He didn't mean it, right? But he doesn't say anything. You know, so I said, "Excuse me." Yeah? He turns around, he says, "Yeah, what?" So okay, never mind. Forget about it. Wha-- I mea-- Am l-- Am I supposed to get into a fiîght with the guy because he steps on my foot? All right. What if l-- What if I do fiîght with the guy... and I get lucky and I kill him? All right? Then, uh, the cops come by and they say, "Well, how come you killed this guy?" I say, "Well-- Well, he, uh, stepped on my foot." They're gonna think I overreacted. See, I don't know what it is. I woke up today. I mean, I wake up every day. Today-- Today, I woke up and, uh, I felt-- I felt really strange. You know? I mean, really weird, because I wasn't depressed. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. On the other hand, I mean, I wasn't happy or good-natured. I just sort offelt... I-l-l don't know, kind ofeven. Don't get me wrong, okay? I'm not content. I hate that. You know, when you say to somebody, "Well, how are you?" and they go, "Well, I'm content." I feel like saying, "Yeah, what would you be if I smacked ya?" You know? I'd rather feel one way or the other. But today, l-l-l just felt even. And, uh, I don't like it. - Sex kick - Ah! Lionel Dobie. - Sex kick - Yeah, wow. - Iknow whatyou're thinking lknow whatyou're wanting Sex kick, sex kick Sex kick, sex kick Se-- Oww Hey, hey Hey - Go over and talk to him. - No, I changed my mind. I'm tired. - I just wanna go home. - No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go on over and talk to him. Just tell him you liked the show. I mean, now's the time. Yeah. - Gregory, hi. - Hey, Paulette. - Listen, l-- I just wanted to tell you, you know, it wasjust-- wow. - Greg, hi. Excuse me. - Peter! God. - Yeah, wejust missed the show. - You know, traffiîc. - Aw, man. - But I have a friend here. - I'd like you to meet Hank. - How you doin'? - Hey. - Love your stuff. - Creep. - Paulette, don't worry about it. The guy is a jerk. - Did you see Lionel Dobie? - Where? ls he here? He's right there. He's got a blue shirt on. - Hey! You feel better, right? - Why'd you make me do that? - He's a bastard! - Look, you're the bastard! I didn't want to do that. Why'd you make me do that? Me? I love you. I'll do anything foryou. You want me to go back in that tunnel and pull him out by his hair? Just say it! Listen, you don't want to sleep with me or let me touch ya, I'll live with that. I will live with that, because I love you. But you just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it. I'll-l'll kill him in front of everybody! What?Just say it! - Stop it! Stop! You're such a fool! - No-- Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. I love you. I love you. I'll do anything foryou. I'll stretch canvas foryou. Do you love me? I said I did, yes. You'd do anything for me? What?Just name it. See them? Kiss the driver on the mouth. Then we'll talk. What? Come on. Show me how much you love me. - What if I do, huh? - Then I'll know your love is true. And ifyou don't, your name is King Bullshit, and I pack. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Check out Grizzly Adams here. Has he got anything? I don't think so. Just looks like he lost his llama. What's up? Hey. Hey-Hey, oh-ho-ho-ho. Back away from the car, pal. You better back away from the car. Why do I get these all the time? I love you too. Come on. Take a walk, will ya? Is that for me? Is what foryou? You walk around like that in front of me... what's to stop me from losing control, from just taking you? Taking me? I could do anything. You know why? Because I'm nothin' to you, so who cares? I could rape you. I could kill you. - I could kill myself. - Or rape yourselfeven. I could do anything, because I'm nothing. I'm the invisible man with you. Night. Anything. Anything. - Hey, hear Heidi got a show? - Her own show? - Well, it's a group show. - Where? In EI Paso. Is that Donald Dowd? Yep. - You see his show? - I saw it with you. Yeah, l-- Sorry. Boy, I'm glad I make such a strong impression. Shit! - Great. - I heard he won some arts grant. - Yeah, from his parents. - Yeah! - Hey. - Hey. - How you doing? - I'm great. How are you? - Good. - Good. Oh, you know, I'm uh-- Got this new piece running over at the Blind Alley. - You should come see it. - She did see it, you self-absorbed, no-talent son ofa bitch! - Shut up, Lionel. - What's your problem, man? Who in the hell told you you were a human being? What the hell do you know about the human heart? - You don't even know her. You don't even see her. - Lionel! - Right. - What was shejust she, just some piece ofass to you? - Okay, stop it! - Shut your mouth, man! Honey, don't do that. Hey! What are you doing? What are you doing? Are you punishing me? Punishing you? Listen, uh-- I got carried away. I'm sorry. - I-l love you. - Look, my brother's driving in to pick me up. He'll be here in two hours. Stay out of my face till then! Wha-- Who-- Wai-- What're you doing? I'm going home. Stay out of my face! Home? This is New York. It's here foryou. I'll-l'll do anything foryou. All right, to hell with me. To hell with me, okay? What about your painting? Tell me what's here. Don't give me the shit about "real artists have no choice." What's here? Am I good? Will I ever be good? Come on. Right now! Come on! I'm going home. You're young yet. I love you. Love me? You just need me around to-- Sometimes I feel like a human sacrifiîce. I don't know. Maybe if I was as good as you, I wouldn't care about anybody else either. But I'm not, so goodbye. So I'm the monster, right? Well, just what's so hell great about you? - I don't know. Nothing. - You know, you gotta start learnin' to like yourselfa little more. - Yeah, okay. I'll try. - But, see, you don't think I love you, because you don't love yourself. I'll keep that in mind. Okay, look, maybe it's me. It's-- No, it's me. You know, I indulge. I indulge in love. I indulge in making my stuff, and they feed offeach other, you know? And they come together at times, but this-- this is bad. This is selfiîsh. So maybe l-- I-l should try and be a nice person forya. Maybe the key to that is to try and stop. You know, just, uh, sh-- stop painting. And, uh, maybe I sh-- Yeah, and I should stop-- stop painting and just be a nice person foryou. Now, is-- is that what you want me to do? Huh? I don't give a damn what you do. My brother's a United States Marine, and I can't take this any more! Get out of here. Get outta here! I can't take this any more! Get out of my room! Your room? I own the damn building! A complete unknown Just like a rollingstone You'vegone to the finestschool Allright, MissLonely - Butyou knowyou only usedtogetjuicedin it - You know something? Ifjust once you came by my room and said, "Gee, Paulette, you're a terrible painter. - Why don't you get a job and enjoy it?" - Let me tell you something. You think I just use people, just grind 'em up. Well, you don't know anything about me. You don't know how involved I get or how far down I go. Hell, I was married four times since before you were even born. - So don't you tell me! - He'snotsellin'anyalibis Asyoustare into the vacuum ofhis eyes -Andsays toyou wouldyou like to - So don't tell me. Make a deal Howdoes it feel Howdoes it feel - To be without a home - Chippies. You know why they call 'em that? Because they like to chip away at you, man. Take a little chip. That's your art form. That's your talent. Just like a rollingstone Oh, God. Excuse me, Mr Dobie, uh, l-l just wanna tell ya, man, like, I'm kinda like an artist myself. When I look at your stuff, I just wanna divorce my wife. - I mean, like, thankyou. - Thankyou. - Thankyou. - Can I have a white wine, please? - Sure. - There you go. - Thankyou. - What was that? - I wanted to touch you for good luck. - For me? - No, for me. Maybe some of it'll rub off, um-- Are you an artist? You're an artist. I'm a painter. I mean, I'm trying to-- - I'm not saying this right. - Listen, are you making ends meet? Um, it's an expensive city. Oh, it's the only city. What's Fowler pay you? Peanuts, right? Yeah. I need an assistant. I pay room and board, give life lessons that are priceless, plus a salary. You wouldn't know anybody who needs a job, would ya? Oh, God! - What's your name? I'm Lionel Dobie. - Hi. We skippedthe light fandango Did you know that flute playing was once banned by law? Once upon a time it was. It was banned because it was so beautiful... that all the virgins fell in love and got themselves seduced. My father told me that story. He's Claudio Montez... and he's the greatest flute player in the world. My mother is Charlotte Montez... and she's usually travelling in lndia or somewhere... taking photographs or maybe writing a book. Her beautiful face was the fiîrst sight I ever saw. When I was born, Claudio used to play the baby music for me... on his silver flute. It was the fiîrst sound I ever heard. They named me Zoe, because Zoe means "Iife" in Greek. Zoe, considerher Zoe, deliverher She'sso offbeat So bittersweet Zoe, considerher Zoe, deliverher Life wouldbe nothing without her She'sgot thatsomethingabout her Makesme weak Zoe, considerher Since Claudio and Charlotte are rarely home... I live alone in the Sherry Netherlands Hotel... where the old ladies in the elevator wear too much perfume. Hector is our family butler and my guardian angel. He takes care of me when my parents are travelling... which is most ofthe time. - I'm not in. - Good morning, Miss Montez! Come on. Get up. You don't wanna be late for school again. - Hi, Vegas. - Smell that hot chocolate. Come on. It'sjust like you like it-- sugar and Sweet'N Low. - One and one. - Yeah. Don't wanna go to school. - I don't feel good. - You don't what? You know, maybe you have the flu. It's going around. Let me-- Ooh! I burned my hand! Quick, get the salve. Ooh, please help! Please! Tell you what. We'll look at your horoscope, okay? See what that says about going to school. "Miss Zoe Montez, Aries. Have a nice continental breakfast... then get up real quick and get dressed for school. Don't dilly-dally." What's that mean, "dilly-dally"? It means you made it up. How 'bout you wear this today? This is nice. My father gets the most unusual mail. Brooklyn Academy of Music-- - Yes or no? Wanna wear this? - No. - No? -Julio lglesias tickets? How 'bout this? You could put this on real quick. - Mm, okay. - Okay. You know, maybe you should open the rest ofthe mail... when you get home from school tonight. You'll have more time then. Hmm, the minister ofSharez is having a big bash. - Sharez. Do you know where is? - Mm, no. We could look it up in the atlas tonight. But now you can't be late. - You know what your mother said. - Oh, my mother. Her life is always such a mess. And before you know it, she tries to organize mine long-distance. - Listen, you're gonna miss the bus again. You know what time-- - It's not right. - Look, it's 8:06, 8:07. - It'sjust not fair. - Right in that area. Hurry. - Hot to trot. Hey, you see? Your favourite. Look, farm fresh. And it's donejust like you like it. Seven-and-a-half minutes. I put a little salt on it, no pepper. Okay, now, chew it 20 times like I showed you. One-- Oh. Okay, just yolk? I'll give you some ofthe white stuff later. Remember her trying to teach me about my credit cards and my damn bank balance? Watch your language. Don't say "bank balance." Once I was in debt, I was in debt so much... that with all the deductions she took out of my allowance... I didn't even have enough money to pay for taxis. Thanks, Hector.Just don't let my mom long-distance harass you. Whatever's right. Whatever's right. - Oh, good. Thanks, Vegas. - The bus is leaving. It does not wait. - It'll wait! - Don't miss the B-U-S! - Don't worry. Calm down. Go, Zoe, go! Hustle, Zoe. Good morning, Mr Lilly. What's new? I suppose you want cash, Zoe. I wasjust saying hello. Please, a twenty, two tens, a fiîve and fiîve singles. Charge it to my account, please. Just in case I miss my bus. And they're off! Oh! Here comes Zoe, running tired. Running tired. Zoe's gonna be late for school again. She's gonna be late, folks. She's running slow. She's running tired. She's not gonna make it! Come on, Zoe. Run. Run, Zoe! Shit! Cab, cab, cab, cab! Taxi! - You know, I have yet to see you be on time. - Thanks foryour concern. - Who is that? - Oh, that's the new kid. - Oh, that's the new boy. - New boy? - Oh, my Lord, look! - That's a very, very nice suit. Look at that thing on that guy's head. It's a turban. Haven't you ever seen one before? Let's get an interview with that new boy! Yeah! Andrea Melcher says he's one ofthe richest boys in the world. - Oh, my God. - Andrea said that? - She knows him already? - She works fast. - The richest boy. - Excuse me. - Zoe, how are we gonna get an interview with him? - He has bodyguards. - Yeah. - Big bodyguards. Rich people like to be in the press. Yeah, but what are you gonna say to him? We have champagne and caviar, baby. I show you my new BMW and my red Ferarri. We make beautiful music together. He's got a silver Maserati with a 24-hour-a-day driver. - Can you believe that? - My Maseratigoes 185 Girls. Girls, girls. Now, we need to get back to work. - Sorry, Mrs Mendez. - We have a magazine to put out. - Who has his number? How can we get his number? - Andrea. - Andrea'sjust like-- - Andrea! - Are you talking to me? - Can we have Abu's phone number? He'll be on the cover of Dingbat News. I enjoy taking long walks. He enjoys long walks. I get really bored with spending money. Bored spending money. I intend to inherit my father's wealth... and after that, create many times more... so that I will be the richest man in the world... by the time I am 24. Lately, people have been offering me drugs, but I am not interested. - I can satisfy myself with a chocolate bar. - Really? I like going to parties. Sometimes the Hewitt girls... - invite me to their parties... - Thankyou. - at the Carlyle or the Concorde. Last year, I was a straight guy. I was very preppy-- into computers, video games and a dirt bike. - Now, I am into clothes and music and art. - Wow. This is the Dingbat News, not People magazine. Well, we are supposed to wear socks, but I do not. Oh, good. Doesn't wear socks. I have talked to Morgan Fairchild on the telephone for an hour in my room. Oh, I suppose you see right through me, popular girls like you. - See through you? - Yes. Right through me, I think. - Why? - I have no friends, hardly. Not any kids of my own age. But I have plenty ofadult friends... but they're easy to get when you're rich. - No friends at all? - Not one. - Really? - Gee, that's too bad. - Abu, I was a very lonely kid. I used to travel with my father, so I had no friends. You? No friends? Really? Then my mom told me the story ofthe bunny rabbit. "Bunny rabbit"? What is bunny rabbit? Once upon a time there was a bunny rabbit, a lonely one. He had no friends at all. So his mother put him in his backyard with all his toys and carrots... and vegetables and said, "You play here with all your stuff." - And what do you think happened? - What happened? Soon, lots of bunny rabbits were peeking over the fence, saying... "Can I play too?" My mom told me that story. Whenever I'm lonely and have no friends... I just have a lot offun by myself. And people always peek over the fence and say, "Can we play too?" I see. So be it. Can I play too? - Let's go shopping. - Okay. Thankyou, Abu. I had a wonderful time. - So have l. - But it's extremely late. - Will you be in trouble? - I don't think so. Bye-bye! I'm sorry. We don't have a "Carter" on here. Right here. Come on. Pull it. - Come on. Move! Hey! - Hey, I'm cool, buddy. I'm not a real security guard. - I'm just an out-of-work actor tryin' to pay the rent. - Quiet! Quiet, fat man. - We do this all the time. - Leave me alone!Jimmy, please! - Now you got something to tell your grandchildren. -Don't hurt her! -Lie down there. On your hands! Come on! It's all right. Come on. Do what they say. It's a robbery. - Quiet! And don't look! - I'm scared. - Be still and don't look at them. Stay here and don't look. Don't look! - Keep your eyes down. - I don't want to. - Shut up, kid! - Comfy? - Leave her alone. Kick me. Don't kick her. What do you have there? - Pop it, pop it. Come on! - Hey, that's my father's. Number 77! - Clam up, kid, or I'll make ya howl! - They've got his security box! I was gonna inherit his cuff links someday. - Will you keep quiet? - Zoe, this is serious. Look at my eye. - I've got an audition tomorrow. -Just the big stuff. - Blot that out with a little Chanel Soft Bisque number three. - Really? - Hey, how you kids doin' there, huh? You need anything? - All right. - You comfy? - Yeah. - No. - You want anything? A blanket? Uh, how about a lobster roll, or, uh, maybe a club sandwich? How would you like that? Ask me. Anything you want. You just ask me. I'm your man, okay? Come on, fellas. Let's go! Move it! Come on! Let's go. Don't make any fuss for a while. We might be right back. Good foryou. Big deal. Boy, Zoe, if I could remember this sense memory, I'd be the hit of my acting class. - Bravo,Jimmy. - Thankyou, Mr Lilly. - Are you all right, Zoe? - Yeah. You were very brave. Lately, all these high-class New York hotels have been getting robbed. I'm glad the crook dropped the package he stole from my father's... safe deposit box, and I got it back. Wow. Those crooks sure didn't know what they had. I'd better tell Hector. Hector! Hector, wake up! Hector! - What? - There was a robbery downstairs! - What? - Yeah. - Are you all right? - Yes. Here, look. Theyjust took it out of my father's safety deposit box. Look, it's a diamond, and there's a note. "A Tear ofSharez for my tears when I heard your flute. Princess Soroya." - Sharez? Where's that invitation we opened this morning? - In the garbage. - What? - Threw it in the garbage. - Oh, gosh. Come on. Come on, Hector. - How'd you get that thing? - Those crooks dropped it. - Vegas, drop-- Ahh! - Ahh! - Open your mouth. - Drop it! - Zoe, just-- - I am! - Pull it, pull it, pull it. - Wait! Got it! - Got it? Okay. I hope we have all the pieces. I don't know. - Yeah. - You think so? - Yeah. Yeah, we-we got it all. It's all here. - "Sheik Omar requests--" - "Sheek" Omar. - It's pronounced "shake". - "Sheek" Omar. Okay. "Sheik Omar requests the pleasure ofthe company of Mr Claudio Montez... at dinner and a party to follow. Princess Soroya will wear the famed Tears ofSharez earrings. Black tie." Well, black tie's no problem, but the earrings-- one earring, anyway, is gonna be a problem. - How can she wear it if it's here? - I know. Claudio's in big trouble, and it's not his fault. I know what happened. She probably heard him play the flute, and then she took it off her ear and gave it to him. - It happens all the time. - And the sheik must think... that he's falling in love with his wife. - Oh, no. - We gotta fiînd this Princess Soroya. Give her back the diamond. That's all. Sheik Omar. Maybe Abu's heard of him. Abu? Who's Abu? Abu who? Abu's my new friend. Hi, Abu? It's Zoe. Fine. And you? I hope it's not too late. Say, Abu, do you know Sheik Omar? "Shake" Omar. Oh, he's your uncle. Oh, he's the king! So Princess Soroya is your aunt. Abu? How would you like to have a party? - Play with all your carrots and vegetables. - Vegetables? - Sorry, Hector. - Hit me in the head with the hat. Abu? - Yeah, like the bunny rabbit. - Rabbits? What's goin' on? Oh! Your parents are out oftown. Perfect! Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! It's Tom Cruise, and I'm wearing a tank top. - Howdy,Jimmy. How's tricks? - Eh. Hey, Zoe, you think next time your mom hasJoe Papp over for dinner... she could use these for place mats? - I think the plates might break. - Ohh. - Say,Jimmy, I like you in that colour. - Thanks,Jimmy. - Something about a man in uniform. Oh, and, ladies, these pinky drinkies are on Raoul. - All right. - Strawberry daiquiris. - Who's coming to Abu's party? Hey, the butler did it. Zoe, I gotta talk to you for a minute. - Zoe, your mother called and said-- - Yeah, I know. My mother called to tell me that she's working on a new photojournal of lndia, and my mother is home. - My mother is home. - Hello, Zoe darling. So, is this what your father calls "sophisticated"? Twelve-year-old girls drinking strawberry daiquiris and reading Paris Vogue. - Mom, what are you doing here? - Oh, my God, we gotta go. That's a warm welcome, and I'm your mother... this is my bedroom, and these are my earrings. - I'm sorry, Mrs Montez. - Sorry. - Bye, Zoe. - That's my hat. - Watch that. - Sorry. - Bye, Mrs Montez. - I'm sorry, girls. I was not intending to be a snob. It was-- - So long, Zoe. - You will forgive me, won't you, girls? - Bye, Zoe. - Bye, Mrs Montez. - Bye, girls. - Move it, move it. Let's go. Move it. - Hello. - Aw. One, two, three-- Come on, Lundy. Hurry up. Let's go. - Bye, Zoe. - See you later, Bridget. Uh, sorry, Mom, but what's going on? Zoe, I know this is-- this is diffiîcult, but... your father and I are trying a reconciliation. What? Oh, Zoe. Oh, sweetheart. Most kids would be happy to hear that. Oh, whatever's right. - It's your clothes, I think. - My clothes? Something's wrong with my clothes? The shoulders are really big. Oh, Zoe, would yo-- Please don't start on my shoulders. A woman shouldn't have bigger shoulders than a man. Besides, they slide around. Face it, Mom, they're passé. We should have given me a fair warning you were coming... so I could have reserved a room at the Plaza. She's a nut. See? And you're smoking again. I tell you, Charlotte, you shouldn't be hanging out with those art friends ofyours. Lucy Montana and Aggie Zenobia? You're better than that, Mom. You have real talent, and you'd see it ifyou'd quit competing with Claudio. I'm the daughter, and you're the mother! Oh. I'm the mother, and you're the daughter. Right. Daddy, oh, Daddy! - I was worried about you. - How's my principessa? I love your scarf. Can I wear it? Ofcourse. Can I have it? Just kidding. Look. You can use it for a poster. Ah. Wonderful. Good idea. It's a-- It's a work ofart. Look. I could use it for an album cover. - What do you think? - Yeah. Sit down. Relax. You must be tired. - Can I get you a drink? - Ah, sure. Hey, Vegas. How are you, Vegas? Thankyou. - My bambina. - How's everything? Well... in life there are always a few problems. But, uh, things are not too bad. We were all surprised you interrupted your tour. - Well, you know how it is. - How is it? Uh, I'm a little bit in hot water. - You know what that means? - I can fiîgure it out. But nothing foryou to worry about, my little signorina. That's for me, Vegas. Hello? Yes. Still? - What is it? - Oh, my little charmer. Did you know Mom was coming home too? Yes, your mother. Zoe, did I ever tell you how once playing the flute was banned by law? A million times. It was banned because the sound was so beautiful... so seductive. - It oughta be against the law. - It's true. Since when did you start smoking again? Mm. Occasional cigarette. A flautist shouldn't smoke. I can help, Pops. Believe me, Zoe, there is no problem, though. It wasjust a-- - Well, you see-- - Yes? A very beautiful, mysterious woman. - A princess, in fact. - She heard you play the flute. And she was so moved that she gave me a jewel-- an earring. She plucked from her ear and said... "A Tear ofSharez for my tears... when I heard your flute." I put it in my pocket. - It's nice, isn't it? - But-- But-- How? I thought it was stolen. Her husband isj-- You see, Zoe, he doesn't know it was all an innocent misunderstanding. - Neither will Mom. - Exactly. And this is the wrong time for something to go wrong. -Just give it back. - He has a man watching me. Maybe I can help, Pops. Maybe. Claudio, you're so charming. - Taxi! Get us a taxi. - Taxi! It's raining out. Will you please hail a taxi? - I'm trying. - I don't want to get wet. - Oh, there they are. - Hi. - Hi, guys. - My dress. - It's raining. - Zoe, I love your hair. - Got anything to eat? Youse got any candy bars, peanuts... - Zoe, Zoe, give it to me. - Margit, relax. - or anything, huh? - Zoe, oh, my God. - I don't know. - I'm hungry. Here's chocolate kisses. I'll bring you more tomorrow ifyou let me go! - Promise? - I promise! Okay. You better come back, 'cause I'm hungry. Oh, my gosh! Taxi! - Zoe, what tookyou so long? - We couldn't get here. It was raining so hard, we could not get a cab. - All these people came. Come see. - Really? Hey, come on. Let's look. One forthe money Two fortheshow Three toget ready andgo, cat, go Welcome to my house, girls. Come, let us go. Let's party! One more thing to say Beinghere at home Sittingallalone In andout one world I'm dreamin'back on Earth Looking out in space Iseejust one race We're giving in to fate We're giving in to hate I've foughtyou manytimesbefore Andlam reallytiredofwar Hey, Andrea, Andrea, is that your boyfriend? Thinking 'bout oldtimes onlymakesmesad 'Cause ljust lost the best friend that leverhad Now winter'snear September'shere Andl wish I wasgoingback - Oh, thankyou, Zoe. Now I am really living. - Me too. Abu, are we gonna meet the princess? This is my friend, Aunt Soroya. Zoe Montez, Your Highness. It's a pleasure to meet you. You are a jewel... Zoe Montez. Takin'a holiday Ineedone, like, right away I'm takin'a holiday right now Da da da da da da Takin'a holiday Ineedone, like, right away I'm takinga holiday right now Charlotte, darling... why is it so impossible for us to be in love, hmm? It is impossible to be married to the man... whose flute playing intoxicates every woman who hears it. Zoe says a woman must never bejealous ofa man. - Zoe is 1 2 years old. - All the more you should listen to her. Cut! Let's all go to dinner. You can clean your room later. - Where should we go? - The RTR. Yeah, the Russian Tea Room. NotJapanese food or Thai food. - Okay. - Yea! That's no fair. It's nice to walk home together. Bravo. Do you know the difference between a flutist and a flautist? - I don't know. - Fifty bucks a week more. Oh, Pops, the baby music. The baby music. - Goodbye, Zoe. - Goodbye? I just got a telegram. They need me to play in Athens, Greece. Then Rome and Vienna. It's a sudden engagement. But... when you're a big girl, you'll come with me. I promise. You'll make the travel arrangements. Paint a pretty picture of me. Order the caviar. Oh, Pops, can't I go with you? I'm afraid not. I don't know ifyou can hear me, but here they are, just like I promised. She's why I love New York. Have a nice day. See ya soon, I hope. - Look, Mom. Look at her. - She's wonderful. - She's so beautiful and graceful. - She is fabulous. She's what I call the ideal woman. Zoe, I've really been a fool all these years, looking in all the wrong places for something. I'm always a fool. Oh, God. How lucky. Right in front of my nearsighted face the whole time... my own daughter, and you're the most fun I've ever had. Mom, I just happen to have two fiîrst-class tickets to Paris... Ieaving at 8:00 a.m.,JFK. A few days in Paris with you? Sounds good to me. Some shopping, catch the Chanel show. - Oh. - Why not? It doesn't cost all that much more. Not really. It would be a sin not to keep going. - And wejust have to go to Greece. - Oh, yes, Greece. That would be wonderful. To see Claudio, hear him play. And cast my shadow along the Acropolis. - Bravo! - Go, Dad! - Yea! - Bravo! And so you could say, we all lived-- on tour-- happily ever after. I'm 50 years old, I'm a partner in a big law fiîrm. You know, I'm very successful... and I still haven't resolved my relationship with my mother, you know. I had a dream the other night that she died. Make a left on the next corner. You're going the long way. Mom, I know how to drive to the cemetery. Yeah, you know. And slow up. - You have to speed? - I'm doing 30 miles. Listen, ifyou're gonna be nasty, I'm not going. You really want her out ofyour life, don't you? You know, I don't know what to say. Tonight I'm gonna take Lisa home to meet my mother for the fiîrst time... and I've been nervous about it all day, you know. Because my mother always humiliates me. She always fiînds some way. Even when I was a kid, you know, and I would go out with her shopping, to the store... she would speak so loudly. You know, she always speaks at the top of her lungs, and l... you know, and l-l-l-- it always made me self-conscious, you know. I-l-l'm just not looking forward to a good evening. You still react to her like a small boy. You really have to have some sense of humour about it. I can't. I try, but I can't, you know? I-l-l-- Shejust gives me a hard time. She-- She-- She's always telling me that I look terrible... and she's critical, you know? Listen. What can I say? l-l love her, but I wish she would disappear. - Hi, Mom, l-l hope we're not late. - Hello. - Hello, hello. - Hi. How are you? Gee, you look terrible. - Oh, this is very nice. - Thankyou. - It's so cheerful. - He doesn't like it. - What do you mean I don't like it? It's fiîne. - Huh. - He thinks it's tooJewish. - What does that mean? You know, his name is not Sheldon Mills. - It's Millstein. - Yes, I know. - She knows, Mom. - She knows. I told her. - Be quiet. I'm talking to her. You're losing your hair. He had such beautiful red hair when he was a boy. He was always ashamed of it. They used to call him Red. He hated it. Take some bread and butter. You know, his father, may he rest in peace... was completely bald too. - I'm not completely bald. - You will be. What do you do, Lisa? I work in an advertising fiîrm, part-time. It's the perfectjob for me, 'cause it leaves me plenty oftime to be with the kids. - How many? - Three. - By a previous marriage. - Eat your dessert. - Here he is. - Oh. - Nineteen months old. - Oh, he's adorable. - And look at that little behind. - Mom, please! Enough already. Everything embarrasses him. He's always shushing me. He says I talk too loud when we go out, you know, like in restaurants? It'sjust too bad. What do I care if people listen? He was always ashamed. Hmph. - He used to wet the bed. - Oh, God. Excuse me. I'll be right back. - Mom, we're gonna have to go. Really. - Oh-- 'Cause I gotta get a cab back. And dinner was-- dinner was terrifiîc. Look, look. Listen, Sheldon. Don't get married. Mom, I don't wanna discuss it. I wanna discuss it. What do you know about that? After all, where do you come to a blond with three children? What are you, an astronaut? - Are you okay? - My mother did it again. Oh. Dinner with your fiîancée? No, that was last week's trauma. Today, I'm at work... and I'm in the middle ofan important conference. You know, I work for a very conservative fiîrm. Everything is always very formal. - Excuse me, Mr Mills. - I think they're a pretty good group of people in general. - Your mother's here. - What? -Joe and Annabel are working on communications with them. - Your mother's here to see you. Now, we've explored a few different issues. I've outlined a few different ones here. - Mother. - Say hello to Aunt Ceil. - What are you doing here? - Wejust saw Cats. - Katz? Mr Katz? - Cats. Cats, the show. Remember? You gave me two tickets? Oh, Cats. Cats, ofcourse. So I thought I'd take Aunt Ceil to see your offiîce. Isn't it beautiful? She doesn't hear a thing. - Sheldon, we're a little behind schedule. - Oh, yes. Yes, sir. Uh, I'm-- S-See, I'm all tied up. This is Bates, the one with the mistress. Hello, Mrs Millstein? Hi, it's Lisa. I-l'm calling to invite you to come out... on Sunday with Sheldon and me. I'd like you to meet the children. Oh, please come. Uh-huh. W-We can have lunch and hopefully have a wonderful time. I don't know why we have to sit out here. - It's a nice table. - It's-- It's cold out here. And why-- And why do we have to go all the way back like this? - Right this way. It's a nice table. - Oh, I don't like when it's outside like this. - After all, the weather-- - There you go. - You know how it is. And, oh, well. All right, all right. Thankyou. Thankyou. - I don't know why we have to be out here. - Here, I'll give you this wine list. You can look at that. - You tell me, why? - Thankyou. - I don't-- I don't particularly care for an outdoor table. - And this. - Thankyou. I don't know what you brought me here for... because-- I'm not crazy about magic. It's for the kids. It's for the kids. - The kids, but I'm no kid. - Quiet.Just watch. All right, all right. I'll take it easy. I won't do anything else. That's a trick? I don't know. This I never saw before. It's a nothing. Hi, my name is Shandu the Great, but you mayjust call me "Great." Today we're gonna do some magnifiîcent magic foryou... and for our fiîrst illusion, a most startling illusion... I need somebody special, I need somebody brave, I need a princess. How 'bout, uh, somebody, uh, over there. No, not you, sir. A princess. Um, how about-- Yes. There's a lady right over there. The lady right there in the third or fourth row. Right over there. Rita. - Me? - That's it. Give her a little encouragement. - How are you? - Not so good. - You're not nervous. - What are you, Chinese? Uh, I'll tell you. We're gonna put a few swords right through the middle ofyou. - It's gonna be a delight. You'll be tickled. - I'll be tickled? You'll be tickled to death. That'sjust a joke. - What did you say your name was again? - Sadie Millstein. - Stein. - Stein. S-T-E-l-N. I got a son. He's a lawyer. He's sitting over there. He changed his name to "Mills." - How old are you, Sadie? - Old enough. -Old enough. -Old enough to do our Chinese box trick, one ofthe greatest tricks I do? -That's a box trick? Come on over this way, Sadie. You're gonna see a miracle right before your very eyes. - Uh, what? It looks like a storage-- - Have you ever seen me before in your life? - No. - How do you know it's me? - I don't even wanna. - Trust me. - I don't even wanna. - Trust me. - I don't wanna trust you. - Very simple, Sadie. Into the box. All you do is step into the box. Takes a minute. Let's go. I'm not gonna go into the box. Are you crazy or something? It's my trick, Sadie. Into the box. L-Let me take this pocketbook. - No, no, no, no. - Come on. I keep myjewellery and my papers in the box. - Look, look. - Okay. Say goodbye, Sadie. - Down in the box, Sadie. Watch how we do it. It's gonna be a lot offun. - She's doing great. Relax. -Jump on down. - All right, I'm jumping. - She'sjumping into the box, fiînally. - Oh, I'm jumping. - Watch your nose, Sadie. - It's dark in here! Here we go with the great Chinese box illusion. Sword, please. Thankyou so much. Two solid steel swords, coated with aluminum to protect the fiînish. Sword number one. Okay, Sadie, watch your nose. Here it comes. One, two and three. Ouch! Sword number two. Sadie, heads up. Here we come. One, two and right through the middle. Sword number three. You okay in there, Sadie? Okay, Sadie, last one comin' down. Deep breaths. One, two-- And now, the miracle. No place to hide. Nothing there. Nothing there. Okay, Sadie, things are gonna get better. That's one. Two. That's three. Here we come. Okay, Sadie, time to come out. One, two-- Where is she? Where is she? Where'd she go? She's not in the front, is she? Did you look on the bottom? It's impossible. She can't get out. There's nobody-- - Where's my mother? - I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? What are you talking about? She vanished. - "Vanished"? What do you-- - Disappeared. Vanished. - How is that possible? - I have no idea. It never happened to me before. - Did it, Rita? - No, it's, it's, it's like a miracle. That's exactly what I thought when it happened. -Just like a miracle. - How does this trick work? There's a secret compartment, but she's not in it. It's empty. Okay, we've searched every inch ofthe theatre. She's gone. What do you mean, "She's gone"? How can she be gone? Look what they're tellin' me here. How is it possible that she's gone? Wh-Where did you get this trick? I don't understand. Wh-Where did you buy this thing? I got it in Pittsburgh 20 years ago. The place is out of business now. Maybe-- Maybe it has got to do with molecules. What do you mean, "molecules"? You take a littleJewish lady... you stuff her in a box and she disappears, and she's telling me molecules? -You know what, the theatre's not taking any responsibility for this either. -Don't worry about a thing. Anything happens to your mother, I'll get you two free tickets to any show we do. - Who wants tickets? What are you talking about? - Okay, l-l-l'm gonna call the police. No, no, I don't want any publicity on this. It's too strange. You know, "Attorney's mother vanishes during magic trick." - It's bizarre. - I don't want publicity on this either. - Nobody would ever volunteer again. - Look what he's worried about. - You're worried that no one's gonna volunteer? - All right, look. There's gotta be some kind of rational explanation for this thing. 900 people were watching the box. She never got out, she's not in there, there's no trapdoors or mirrors. Even the magician over here, he doesn't-- he doesn't know how it happened. We've got a problem here. - Mom. Did you see Mom? - What? My mother. She's not upstairs. We werejust in her apartment. Di-- Have you spoken with her at all? - Mother. - I think I have one. For how long do you wanna borrow it? My moth-- Did my mother call you at all? Did mother call? What brings you here? - Mother. I'm looking for Mother. - His mother. Oh, oh. I think I spoke to her this morning. - Uh-huh. - She borrowed a scarf. - She never returned it. - Hello? Yes, I called before. I-l called to inquire... uh, ifan elderly lady had-- had shown up, uh... i-in missing persons or th-the morgue or the hospital or-- Y-Yes, yes, I spoke with you. Nothing at all? Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, thankyou. Sheldon, how's your mother? - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. I'm fiîne. Hello? Any word? Well-- Yeah, no, l-l-l've heard nothing. I-l put a private detective on it. You know, I don't know, maybe she got hit in the head with a sword... and she's got amnesia or something, you-- Oh, God. Right. I'll-- I'll call you back. I'll call you back. Come on. You can't go on like this. She'll-- She'll turn up. Jesus, it's been three days already. I know. I know. You look pretty. That was great. You never made love to me like that before. And you didn't even have alcohol. I don't know. I just felt so loose, you know. I-- I wasjust relaxed completely. I guess what I needed was-- was a release from all that tension. I feel like a new man, you know? l-- A-At fiîrst-- When it fiîrst happened, I was crushed with, with panic. Then, after a week passed... you know, it was like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I-l-l fiînd that I smile more easily... and l-l-- I'm more energetic at work, you know. And, and, and my sex life has never been better. I mean, Lisa says that, uh, l-l've-- she's never seen me so relaxed and uninhibited in bed. What do you think? Well, obviously, it's because she's gone, right? I mean, what else could it be except that she's-- she's not around any more, and-- and it's astonishing, isn't it... how, how, how, how much, you know, she's-- A-And nothing terrible happened. It wasn't brutal. No-- No ugly thing happened. She didn't die or no-- You know, shejust sort of mysteriously and peacefully vanished, you know? You don't think that she's gonna come back, do you? Mr Flynn? Oh, Mr Mills. Look, Mr Mills, I'm really sorry to report there's no progress on locating that missing woman. It's okay, it's okay. Don't-- I-l came by to say that I located her myself. I found her, and she's back, and she-- What happened was she had, um, like a-- sort ofa mini-stroke, and she-- she didn't remember anything. She didn't who she was, and she was wandering around. But she's okay now, and l-- and so I'll take care of it. She's-- You can-- You can drop the case. Just drop the case? Yeah. Don't-- Don't fiînd her. Don't look for her any more. - You're sure you're okay? - Mm. I'm great. And I've never been better. Never been better. - Hi. - How are you today, Mr Mills? - Good. I'm very good. - You look wonderful. - Do l? Thankyou. I'll take this. - Is there anything else? - No, just-just that'll do. - Two dollars, sir. - Okay. Okay. - Everything okay with you? - Yes, sir. - Good. - Wonderful to see you, sir. - Thankyou. Thankyou very much. - Hope to see you again soon. Thankyou. What is all that confusion outside? I don't know. There's always noise, sir. Oh, I never saw anything like it! Sheldon, where have you been? I've been looking all over foryou. I wasjust discussing your problem with these nice people. - Where are you? - Do I know? Look, Sheldon, I've had plenty oftime to think about it. Don't get married. - Not here. - Why should you rush in? This is not the place to discuss it. Where should I go? I'm here. You think a man his age should get married? They only met six months ago. It depends. Ifshe's a nice girl, why not? She's nice, but why do they have to rush in? He's still paying alimony. - Mother, stop! - Let them lead their own lives! I have the same problem with my daughter. They grow up and they think they have all the answers. - How old is your daughter? - Twenty-six. - You got any pictures? - Home. - Home? I always carry Sheldon around wherever I go. - Oh, God, this can't be happening. - See? Here he is... - I need air. I need oxygen. - two years old... - I mean, I gotta get out in the fresh air. - and I'm not ashamed to show pictures... - but my son always says, "You can't show pictures." - I need cyanide. Oh. And isn't he a darling? Look at him. - This is my granddaughter. - My daughter's wedding. - There's my daughter, her husband... - This is my friend! - Here I am! - and me. He's bright. He was always bright, and in school he was a star. I can't believe my eyes! What are you doing up there? Hey, are you hungry, lady? Hello, Dorothy? This is Mr Mills. I can't come in today. Tell Mr-- Tell Mr Bates that I'm feeling sick... No, no, it's-- - It's okay. - Sheldon's a lucky man! He's a lucky man! It's okay. Sadie, you want a bagel? The woman, Mrs Sadie Millstein, isa widow... andthe motherofSheldon Mills, an attorney with the New York firm ofBates, Phillips, TunnyandMills. Little is knowofSheldon Mills, except forthe fact that he changedhisname and wasa bed-wetter. -Apparently, Mrs-- - Mrs Millstein, doyou have any idea howthishappenedtoyou? Myson tookme to a magic show to meet his fiancée's children. - Doeshe needchildren? - Doyou thinkSheldon shouldget married? Idefinitelybelieve heshouldlisten to hismother. Oh, God, the pain! The humiliation! Honey, remember, others don't see her the way you do. That's not so. You're rationalizing. You know, this is a nightmare. To be perfectly frank, it is-- it is humiliating. Oh, I'm gonna kill that magician. I'm gonna fiînd that guy and I'm gonna dismember him. - You know, and then I'm gonna sue him. - To tell you the truth, it is a little embarrassing. Oh, God. I'm gonna kill myself. I'll kill myself. I guess we could always move to another state. She'll float over. For God's sakes, look at her. She's the type that will float. I'm telling you, we're gonna have to live in the subway. And I made him a sailor suit, and he looked just like a doll! God, she-- Look, she's telling everybody in the city how cute I was at ten years old. This morning she told the entire borough of Queens that I had a hiatus hernia. What does he need with marriage, for goodness sakes? - And besides all that-- - She's also saying things about me. She's-- At least she's your mother. You grew up with this kind ofthing. I'm not used to it. So then I said, "Sheldon... why do you have to suck that blanket in bed, huh?" And he cried and he said, "Oh, please. Please, don't take it away." Well, all through his childhood... he sucked that blanket... and drove me crazy. It hasbeen two weeksnow since Mrs Sadie Millstein... hasbeen in herstrangepredicament... and, typically, New Yorkers have come to accept it... asjust anotherfact oflife in the city. Look, Mrs Millstein 's rights, hercivilliberties have to beprotected. She has everyright to be there, she'shelpedus spot crime... andlforone wouldbe, uh, veryhappy ifshe continuedto staythere. - Sheldon, where are you going? - Hey, there he is! - Mr Mills, we need to talk to you! - Sheldon, just one question! Sheldon! How long is she gonna be up there? - Sheldon! - Mr Mills, just give us one second! Sheldon, what are you ashamed of? They wanna askyou some questions. Hey, Shelly boy, how's the mama's boy? - Hey, Sheldon, how's the little boy? - Hey, Shelly! What's the matter? Mama forgot to tell you where to go this morning? - What are you doing? - I can't take it any more. - Well, that's no solution. - Oh, Christ. It didn't work. - God. I-- What do you want me to do? It's a nightmare. Well, how do you suppose I feel, with her out there calling me all those strange foreign names? - What's a courva, anyway? - Oh, it'sJewish. - For what? - Noth-- You know, it's a whore. Oh, great. And the worst is that Lisa and I keep fiîghting. You know, shejumps at me, and I snap at her all the time. And, you know, it'sjust awf-- I-l gotta commit suicide. It's the only way. Mr Millstein, uh, Mills... I'm gonna make an unusual suggestion... but I feel the situation calls for imaginative action. Yeah? I know a clairvoyant, um, a psychic. A woman who deals in the occult. Unexplained phenomena. Mysteries that science can't fathom. I'm sorry. I don't believe in that. It may be time to begin. Are you Treva Marx? Come in, Sheldon. Come in, come in. You look terrible. - Do you want something to eat? - No, no, thankyou. - Look, let me level with you. - Mm-hmm. I don't really believe in this. I was sent here by someone, but I'm sort ofdesperate. You look so thin. She's right. - You sure you don't want something to eat. - No, no, thankyou. - I have no appetite, you know what I mean? - All right, all right, all right. - I've had a very rough couple ofweeks. -Just calm down. Come with me through here. Try and relax. Gee, it's a nice place you got here. What time's the cobra come out? Ifyou'll excuse me forjust one minute, I wanna fiînish something I started before you got here. - What are you doing? - I'm speaking with a dead friend of mine. Well, would you rather talk privately? 'Cause I could wait in the other room. No, no, no, no. That's not necessary. We're not discussing anything personal. Jeffrey, I have to go. We'll speak again on Thursday. But remember, you baste the bird with the butter and the seasonings fiîrst... and then you put it into the oven. Mm-hmm. Yes, that's right. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's it. - Right. Right. - Could you call him back, because I've gotta get outta here. Jeffrey, I really have to go. It's business. - Look-- - Oh-oom. This is crazy. I-- You know, l-l think these kind ofthing are fraudulent. I'm-- I'm really being honest with you. I-l just don't believe in it. You know what I mean? I'm a person who believes in science and logic and rational thought. Right. Meanwhile, your mother is hovering over the Chrysler Building. I would like to order one large pie with pepperoni, anchovies and mushrooms... and one regular pie with just extra cheese. Would you hurry up, please, 'cause I don't like being in my mother's house when she's not here. Yeah, right. What is that stuff you're spreading around? - This is crushed pig bones. - Oh, God, save me. - Oh, do you play piano? - No. Do you? Yes, I do. That's very, very pretty. You must have studied. No, no, I never studied. I was a pianist in a former life. Actually, I've had three former lives. One was a pianist. The second I was a ballerina. And the third, I did all the laundry for Genghis Khan. It was a tough job. The man was picky. He hated starch. - He wanted everything just soft, soft. The river-- - Out ofthe house. Out ofthe house. Hey la la la Heyhey la la la heyheyhey Hey-yah hey-yah Hey la la la heyhey Hey, Sheldon. Are you sure you're dressed warm enough? Hey, hey, Sheldon. Don't forget to wearyour muffler. Leave him alone! Stop picking on my son! He's very sensitive. Darling, are they bothering you? - Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm not gonna go through this any more! - It's a tough problem! It's crazy! We've been doing it for three weeks. We're going in circles! I told you we should try sacrifiîcing a she-goat. - I'm not gonna kill an animal! - Well, we don't have to kill it! You won't even fondle it! You're a fraud. I said it the fiîrst day that I came here, and I know it. You don't know what the hell you're doing. Okay. Okay, l-l-l guess you're right. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate it, you're not nice or something... - but l, you know. - You're right. - Y-You know, I appreciate your giving me a half price on this. - You don't have to pay. What are you crying about? She's crying? What are you crying? - I let you down! - You didn't let me down. - You know, I never expected anything, so-- - Still, I did. You counted on me, and I failed. How do you expect this stupidity to work? You know, you should move out to California. You know, by now, you would have a swimming pool and your own church. I always have hopes. I always think that there's more to the world than meets your eye-- hidden meanings, special mysteries. Nothing ever works, ever! Look, maybe you're right. Don't get so upset. You know, after all, my mother is floating around up there. But have you ever done anything extrasensory in your life? No, you were right from the beginning. I'm nothing. Itjust beats being a waitress. Is that what you were, a waitress? Well, I wanted to be an actress, but... I could never fiînd any work. So I had to wait on tables. It's drudgery. Then I met some astrologer... and, uh, he told me that there's a lot of money to be made in psychic phenomena-- that people flock to it because their lives are so empty. So I tried to learn it, I read up, l-- I guess it's like acting. You have to be born with it. Will you stop crying? Relax. I'll bet you're a wonderful actress. You know, you have a very-- a particularly sweet personality. - Oh, thankyou. - You know? You-- I-- You're probably fiîne. You know, 'cause, 'cause-- Because a thing doesn't succeed immediately... - doesn't mean that you have to give it up right away. - My life is a bust! - Nothing I do comes out right. - Okay, relax, relax, relax. Take it easy. Let me-- Let me buy you dinner. You'll feel better. Let me-- You know, Lisa's coming back late tonight. She's had-- She had to work. I'll take you to dinner. - You'll feel-- You've been a-- You've been terrible all week. - No, l-l can't. Thankyou very much. - Thankyou anyway. - Come on. I'll take you to-- Actually, l-l probably shouldn't go out, because my mother will see me. Look, you-- You want me to make you dinner? Huh? - No, forget it, l-- - Oh, come on, please. Look, it's the least I can do. Come on. Huh? Can you cook, or, oryou just stand over the stove and chant or something? - I'll boil you some chicken. - Great. My favourite. Boiled chicken. It's my mother's specialty. Ofcourse, she manages to render the bird completely devoid ofany flavour. It's a culinary miracle. Have some more. You only had a drumstick. Huh? - No, I'm full. I've eaten-- - You didn't have any potato pancakes at all. I had two ofthose and I had two, three pieces ofchicken. - You still look thin to me. - No, I'm fiîne. You know what? Take some ofthis home with you. I'll wrap it up. That way you won't have to leave your apartment. I know how that embarrasses you. Yeah, but how-- You know, how much can I eat? It's-- It's-- It was very good. It was really delicious. This was-- This was a very good idea to, to eat in. - That was-- - Yeah. - I had a wonderful time. Really. I mean, l-- You know, you-- Y-You're a terrifiîc storyteller. It was very-- It was-- You know. I really had a nice time, and l-- I-l was very-- You know, thankyou for everything. Mm. I had a nice time too. So, um, I should go, right? Because now I've-- I've eaten and, and, uh-- You know, I should-- I have to be home anyhow, because it's probably-- - Here. - Thankyou again. - Okay. - What is this? Here you go. This is the chicken and just a little pancake to go. - Thankyou very much. - You're welcome. - No, really, it was-- - I'm glad you stayed. - No, thankyou. A-A-As I said, I was-- You know, I had a very relaxed time, and it was-- I liked all the food, and it was-- it was wonderful. - Yeah. - You know? - So, so... - Good. we should do this again sometime actually, ifthis-- - Yeah. - If, you know-- Well, I guess you'd better go, huh? I mean, Lisa'll be expecting you. Right. Right. - So, okay. So, thankyou. - Okay. - So, good night. - Good night. - Good night. Dinner was wonderful. You know. Oop. Sorry. - Thankyou very much. That was very good. - You're welcome. It was a nice idea to floss between every course. Never done that before. Oh. Dear Sheldon: I've taken the kids and gone to my sister's in Vermont. I think it's best we end things quickly and quietly. Lately, all we do is fiîght. Maybe your mother's right. Maybe you shouldn't rush into anything. Anyhow, I can't handle it any more. It's funny. You wake up one day, and suddenly you're out of love. Life is odd. All the best to you. Lisa. Sheldon? Sheldon? Wake up. It's morning. Mother! Mother! Mom! Mom! I want you to meet my new fiîancée. - What happened to the other one? - She's gone. Treva, you never offiîcially met my mother. No. Hello! Hi. I love your son! Ofcourse, he could use a little fattening, but otherwise, he's a doll. Uh-huh. See? Now her I like. - Me too. - Good! Now I'll come down. Where did she go? I don't know. Shejust disappeared. - That's funny. - Here I am. Here, son. Here I am. Here I am. Yoo-hoo! - Mom. - What? - Are you okay? Am I okay? Ofcourse. When am I not okay? Hello, Mrs Millstein. I'm Treva. Nice to meet you. Thankyou, thankyou. I'm glad, I'm glad. Oh, you picked such a lovely lady. So, do you have any pictures of him when he was a boy? - Do I have pictures? - Yeah. Look. Here. Right from the beginning. He's six months old. See his mouth? - Yeah, he's crying. - It was always open. - Yeah? - Always yelling. - He looks upset. - He was a pain in the neck. - Really? - Oh, sure, for a little thing. When he got a little older, well, it was a little better. Here I am. We were on the beach here. See? People willtalk Especiallythe fools People willtalk Oh, when there'snothing left to do People willtalk Regardless ofthe rules People willtalk, talk, talk Talk too much Oola says that Carla says That Connie says that Oopa isa stooge Jesanna says that Coffeykeeps an alligatorin hisswimmingpool People willtalk Especiallythe fools People willtalk Oh, when there'snothing else to do People willtalk Regardless ofthe rules People willtalk, talk, talk Talk too much Sophie says thatStacy'sgotpsoriasis from imitationpearls AndMoogie says the Coleman brothers like to dress up andpretendthey're girls People willtalk Especiallythe fools People willtalk - When there'snothing else to do - When there'snothing left to do - People willtalk -Andthey'lltalk toyousome more Regardless ofthe rules - People willtalk, talk, talk - Talky, talky, talk Talk too much We skippedthe light fandango Turnedcartwheels 'cross the floor I wasfeeling kindofseasick The crowdcalledout formore The room washummingharder As the ceiling flewaway When we calledout foranotherdrink The waiterbrought a tray Andso it was that later As the millertoldhis tale That herface at firstjustghostly Turneda whitershade ofpale |
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