Nothing Hill Collectors Edition
So stay with us[br]because laterthis afternoon,
we're lucky enough[br]to be talking toAnna Scott,
Hollywood's biggeststarby far.
Miss Scott's latest film[br]is once again topping the charts.
Ofcourse l've seen herfilms...
Ofcourse l've seen herfilms...
andalways thought[br]she was, well, fabulous.
But, you know, a million, million miles[br]from the worldllive in...
which is here, Notting Hill,[br]my favorite bit ofLondon.
There's the market on weekdays selling[br]everyfruit and vegetable known to man.
Rock-hard bananas,[br]five for a pound !
The tattooparlor[br]with aguy outside whogot drunk...
andnowcan't remember[br]why he chose "l love Ken. "
where everyone comes out[br]looking like the Cookie Monster,
whetherthey want to ornot.
Andthen, suddenly,[br]it's the weekend,
andfrom break ofday hundreds[br]ofstalls appearout ofnowhere,
filling Portobello Road,[br]right up to Notting Hill Gate.
And whereveryou look thousands of[br]people are buying millions ofantiques,
somegenuine andsome...[br]not quitesogenuine.
And what'sgreat is that lots offriends[br]have endedup in thispart ofLondon.
That's Tony, forexample,[br]architect turnedchef,
who recently investedall the money[br]he everearnedin a newrestaurant.
Andso, this is where[br]lspendmy days andyears...
in this small village in the middle of[br]the city in a house with a blue door...
that my wife andlbought together[br]before she left me fora man...
who lookedexactly like Harrison Ford.
And where lleada strange half-life[br]with a lodgercalled--
You couldn't help me with an incredibly[br]important decision, could you ?
Important compared to, let's say,[br]whether they cancel Third World debt ?
That's right. I am at last going out[br]on a date with the greatJanine,
and I just wanna be sure[br]I've picked the right T-shirt.
- What are the choices ?[br]- Well, wait for it.
First there's this one.[br]Cool, huh ?
Yeah, it might make it hard[br]to strike a really romantic note.
Point taken.[br]Don't despair.
If it's romance we're looking for,[br]I believe I havejust the thing.
Yeah, well, there again, she might not[br]thinkyou had true love on your mind.
Right.[br]Just one more.
True love here lcome.
Well, yeah. Yeah, that's--[br]that's, um, perfect.
- Wish me luck.[br]- Good luck.
Andso it was[br]just anotherhopeless Wednesday,
asl walkedthe thousandyards[br]through the market to work,
neversuspecting that this was the day[br]that wasgonna change my life forever.
This is work, by the way,[br]my little travelbookshop,
- Morning, Martin.[br]- Morning, Monsignor.
which, um, well, sells travelbooks,
and, to be frank withyou,[br]doesn 't always sellmany ofthose.
Classic.[br]Profit from major sales push,
Shall I, uh,[br]go and get you a cappuccino ?
- You know, ease the pain a bit.[br]- Yeah, yeah.
Better make it a half.[br]All I can afford.
Get your logic.[br]Demi-cappu coming right up.
Um, can I help you at all ?
No, thanks.[br]I'll just... look around.
Uh, that book's really not great.
Just in case, you know, browsing turned[br]to buying. You'd be wasting your money.
But if it's Turkey[br]you're interested in,
um, this one, on the other hand,[br]is very good.
Um, I think the man who wrote it has[br]actually been to Turkey, which helps.
Um, there's also[br]a very amusing incident with a kebab,
um, which is one[br]of many amusing incidents.
Thanks.[br]I'll think about it.
Or, in the biggerhardback variety,[br]there's--
l'm sorry.[br]Canyoujustgive me a second?
- Yes ?[br]- Bad news.
We've got a security camera[br]in this bit ofthe shop.
So I saw you put that book[br]down your trousers.
- What book ?[br]- The one down your trousers.
I don't have a book[br]down my trousers.
ltellyou what.[br]Um, l'll call thepolice, and, um,
if I'm wrong about the whole[br]"book down the trousers" scenario,
I really apologize.
Okay. What if... I did[br]have a book down my trousers ?
Well, ideally,[br]when l went back to the desk,
you'd remove the Cadogan Guide[br]to Bali from your trousers...
and either wipe it[br]and put it back or buy it.
I'll see you in a sec.
I'm sorry about that.
No, it's fi ne.
I was gonna steal one,[br]but now I've changed my mind.
Oh, signed by the author,[br]I see.
Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.
Ifyou can fi nd an unsigned one,[br]it's worth an absolute fortune.
- Yes ?[br]- Can I have your autograph ?
- What's your name ?[br]- Rufus.
What does it say ?
That's my signature. And above it, it[br]says, "Dear Rufus, you belong in jail."
- Do you want my phone number ?[br]- Tempting.
I will take this one.
Oh, right, right.[br]So, uh--
Well, on second thoughts,[br]um, maybe it's not that bad after all.
Actually, it's a sort[br]ofa classic, really.
None ofthose childish kebab stories[br]you fi nd in so many books these days.
And, um, I tell you what.
I'll throw in[br]one ofthose for free.
Useful for, uh, lighting fi res,
wrapping fish,[br]that sort ofthing.
- Thanks.[br]- Pleasure.
Cappuccino, as ordered.
I don't thinkyou'll believe[br]who wasjust in here.
Who ?[br]Was it someone famous ?
Would be exciting, though,[br]wouldn't it,
ifsomeone famous[br]came into the shop ? Hmm ?
Do you know--[br]and this is pretty amazing, actually--
but I once saw Ringo Starr.
- Where was that ?[br]- Kensington High Street.
At least I think it was Ringo.
It might have been that man[br]from Fiddleron the Roof.
- You know, Toppy.[br]- Topol.
Yes, that's right.[br]Topol.
Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't--[br]doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.
Yeah, but he was--[br]he was quite a long way away from me.
So actually it could've[br]been neither ofthem.
Yes, I suppose so, yes.
- It's not a classic anecdote, is it ?[br]- Not a classic, no. No.
- Another one ?[br]- Yes. No.
Let's go crazy.[br]I'll have an orangejuice.
- Oh, my God ![br]- Bugger ! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Here. Let me--[br]- Get your hands off !
l'm reallysorry.[br]l-- llivejust overthestreet.
I have, um, water and soap.[br]You can get cleaned up.
No, thankyou.[br]I just need to get my car back.
I also have a phone.[br]I'm confident that in five minutes...
we could have you spick-and-span[br]and back on the street again.
In the non-prostitute sense,[br]obviously.
All right. Well-- What do you mean,[br]"just over the street" ?
- Give it to me in yards.[br]- Uh, 1 8 yards.
- Give it to me in yards.[br]- Uh, 1 8 yards.
That's my house there[br]with the blue front door.
Come on in.[br]I'll just-- I'll just--
Um, right. Right.[br]Come in.
It's, um, not quite as tidy[br]as it normally is, I fear.
But, um--[br]The bathroom's on the top floor.
And the telephone'sjust--[br]just up here.
Here.[br]Let-- Let me, um--
Um, round the corner.[br]Straight on-- straight on up.
Would you like a cup oftea[br]before you go ?
- No.[br]- Coffee ?
- No.[br]- Orangejuice ?
Probably not.[br]Um, something else cold.
Coke ? Water ?
Some disgusting sugary drink...
pretending to have something to do[br]with fruits ofthe forest ?
- No.[br]- Would you like something to eat ?
Uh, something to nibble ?
Um, apricots soaked in honey ?
Quite why, no one knows, because[br]it stops them tasting ofapricots...
and makes them taste like honey,
and ifyou wanted honey, you'd just[br]buy honey instead of... apricots.
Um, but nevertheless,[br]there we go there.
They're yours ifyou want them.
Do you always say "no"[br]to everything ?
I'd better be going.
Thanks foryour, uh, help.
And, uh, may I also say,[br]um, heavenly.
I'll just take[br]my one chance to say it.
Afteryou've read[br]that terrible book,
you're certainly not going[br]to be coming back to the shop.
Yeah.[br]Well, my pleasure.
it was nice to meet you.
Surreal but, um-- but nice.
"Surreal but nice" ?[br]What was I thinking ?
- I forgot my other bag.[br]- Oh, right. Right.
I'm very sorry about[br]the "surreal but nice" comment.
- Disaster.[br]- That's okay.
I thought the apricot and honey thing[br]was the real low point.
Oh, my God.[br]My flatmate.
I'm sorry.[br]There's no excuse for him.
I'm just going into the kitchen[br]to get some food.
Then I'll tell you a story[br]that will make your balls shrink[br]to the size of raisins.
Probably best[br]not to tell anyone about this.
Right. Right.[br]No one.
I mean, I'll tell myselfsometimes.
But don't worry.[br]I won't believe it.
There's something wrong[br]with this yogurt.
It's not yogurt.[br]It's mayonnaise.
Oh, right.[br]There we are then.
On fora videofest tonight ?
I got some absolute classics.
- Smile.[br]- No.
- Smile.[br]- I've got nothing to smile about.
In about seven seconds,
I'm going to askyou[br]to marry me.
Somewhere in the world[br]there's a man who's allowedto kiss her.
Yes, she is, uh,
- Do you have any books by Dickens ?[br]- No.
No, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop.[br]We only sell travel books.
Oh, right. How about[br]the newJohn Grisham thriller ?
Well, no, 'cause that's, uh--[br]that's a novel too, isn't it ?
Have you got Winnie the Pooh ?
Martin, your customer.
Uh, can I help you ?
Just, um, incidentally,
uh, why...[br]are you wearing that ?
Combination offactors really.[br]Uh, no clean clothes.
There never willbe, you know,[br]unlessyou actually cleanyourclothes.
And I was, like,[br]rooting around in your things...
and I found this,[br]and I thought "cool."
There's something wrong[br]with the goggles, though.
No, they were, um, prescription.
-Groovy.[br]-So I could see all the fishes properly.
You should do more[br]ofthis stuff.
- So, look, any messages today ?[br]- Yeah, I wrote a couple down.
So there were two.[br]There were two messages ? Right ?
You want me to write down[br]all your messages ?
Okay, who are the ones[br]that you didn't write down from ?
No. Gone completely.
Oh, no.[br]There was one from your mum.
She said don't forget lunch,[br]and her leg's hurting again.
- No one else ?[br]-Absolutely no one else.
Though ifwe're going for this obsessive[br]writing down all the message thing,
some American girl called Anna[br]called a few days ago.
- What did she say ?[br]- Well, it was genuinely bizarre.
She said, "Hi. It's Anna."[br]Then she said, "Call me at The Ritz"...
and then gave herself[br]a completely different name.
- Which was ?[br]- Absolutely no idea.
Remembering one name's hard enough.
No, I-- I know that.[br]She-- She said that.
Um, I know she's using another name.
The problem is[br]she left the message with my flatmate...
which was a very serious mistake.
Um, I don't know. Imagine, ifyou will,[br]the stupidest person you've ever met.
- Are you doing that ?[br]- Yes, sir, I have him in my mind.
And now double it.[br]And that is the, um-- what can I say--
the git that I am living with.
And he can't remember--
- Try Flintstone.[br]- I'm sorry, what ?
I think she said[br]her name was Flintstone.
I don't-- I don't suppose, um,[br]Flintstone rings any bells, does it ?
- Oh, I'll put you right through, sir.[br]- Oh, my God.
- Hi there.[br]- Hello ?
- Sorry. It's William... Thacker.[br]- Yes ?
Um, we-- I work in a bookshop.
Oh, no, I promise you I've never played[br]anything cool in my entire life.
My flatmate, who'll I'll stab to death[br]later, never gave me the message.
I don't know.[br]Perhaps, um,
I could drop round[br]for tea later or something.
Right. Right. Great.
- Which floor ?[br]- Three, please.
Uh, are you sure this is--
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Hi. Hi. I'm Karen.[br]- Hi.
I'm sorry.[br]Things are running a little bit late.
Here's the, uh, thing.[br]Do you wanna come this way ?
So what did you[br]think ofthe fi lm ?
Yeah, I thought it was fantastic.[br]I thought it was, uh,
Close Encounters[br]meetsJean de Florette.
I'm sorry. I didn't get down[br]what magazines you're from.
- Time Out.[br]- Great.
And you're from ?
Horse & Hound.
The name's William Thacker. I think,[br]actually, she might be expecting me.
Oh, okay.[br]Take a seat and I'll go check.
I see you've, uh--[br]I see you've brought her some flowers.
These are for my,[br]um, grandmother.
She's in a hospital[br]just down the road.
Thought I'd kill two birds[br]with one stone, you know.
Sure, right.[br]Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Which hospital's that ?
Do you mind me not saying ?[br]It's a rather distressing disease.
Name ofthe hospital[br]kind of gives it away.
Right, uh, Mr. Thacker.[br]Will you come this way.
You've got five minutes.
- Hi.[br]- Hello.
Uh, I brought these, but clearly--
No, they're great.[br]They're great.
Ah, listen,[br]I'm sorry about not ringing back.
The whole "two-names concept"...
was totally too much for my flatmate's[br]pea-sized intellect.
No, it's a stupid privacy thing.[br]I always pick a... cartoon character.
Last time I was Mrs. Bambi.
- Everything all right ?[br]- Yes, thankyou.
And you're from, uh,[br]Horse & Hound.
Is that so ? Well.
Uh, I'll just... fi re away then,[br]shall I ?
The fi lm's great, and, um,
I just was wondering whether...
you ever thought of having, um,
more, uh, horses in it.
Uh, well, we would have liked to,
but it was, um, difficult,[br]obviously, being set in space.
Space, right, yeah.[br]Yeah, obviously very difficult.
I'm so sorry.[br]I arrived outside.
They thrust this thing[br]into my hand--
No, it's my fault.[br]I thought this would all be over by now.
I just wanted to sort ofapologize[br]for the kissing thing.
I seriously don't know[br]what came over me.
And I just wanted to make sure[br]that you were fi ne about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fi ne.
Do rememberthat Miss Scott is also[br]keen to talk about hernextproject...
which is, um, shooting[br]later in the summer.
Ah, yes, excellent.[br]Excellent.
Any horses in that one ?
Or hounds for that matter. Our readers[br]are equally intrigued by both species.
It takes place on a submarine.
Oh. Well, bad luck.
ifthere were horses in it,
would you be riding them...
or would you be getting, a--[br]a stunt-horse-double-man-thing ?
I-I'm a complete moron.[br]I apologize. I--
This is very weird. It's the sort[br]ofthing that happens in dreams,
not in reallife.
I mean, good dreams.[br]It's a--
It's a dream, in fact,[br]uh, to see you again.
What happens next in the dream ?
I suppose in the, uh, dream--
dream scenario--[br]I just, uh,
change my personality...
because you can do that[br]in dreams and, um,
walk overand, uh, kiss thegirl.
Time's up, l'm afraid.[br]Didyouget whatyou wanted?
- Um, nearly, nearly.[br]- Well, maybejust one last question.
- Um, nearly, nearly.[br]- Well, maybejust one last question.
- Sure.[br]- Right, right.
Are you... busy tonight ?
- Yes.[br]- Right. Right.
- Come in.[br]- Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yes, and you.
Surreal... but nice.
Thankyou. You are Horse & Hound's[br]favorite actress.
You and Black Beauty...
How was she ?
Oh, um, fabulous.
Excellent. Wait a minute.[br]She tookyour grandmother's flowers.
Uh, yeah, yeah.[br]That's right.
- Bitch.[br]- Oh, Mr. Thacker.
Mr. Thacker, ifyou'd like to come with[br]me, we can rush you through the others.
The others ?
Mr. Thacker is from Horse & Hound.
- How's it going ?[br]- Very well, thankyou.
Have a seat.
Well, did you enjoy the fi lm ?
- Well, fi re away.[br]- Right.
Did you enjoy making the fi lm ?
- Yes, I did.[br]- Good.
Any bit in particular ?
You tell me what bit[br]you enjoyed the most,
and I'll tell you[br]if I enjoyed making that bit.
liked the bit in space...
Didyou identify with the character[br]you'replaying ?
Oh. Why not ?
Because he's playing[br]a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.
is this your fi rst fi lm ?
No. It's my 22nd.
Ofcourse it is.[br]Any favorites among the 22 ?
Working with Leonardo.
- Da Vinci ?[br]- DiCaprio.
And is-- is he your favorite[br]Italian director ?
- Mr. Thacker.[br]- Oh, no.
- Have you got a minute ?[br]- No.
Um-- Yeah, so the, um--
the-- the thing I was doing tonight,[br]I'm not doing anymore.
I told them I had[br]to spend the evening...
with Britain's premier[br]equestrian journalist.
Oh. Well, great.
Oh. Shittity brickitty.
It's my sister's birthday. Shit.[br]We're meant to be having dinner.
- Okay, that's fi ne.[br]- No. I'm sure I can get out of it.
No, I mean, if it's fi ne with you,[br]I'll be your date.
You--[br]You'll be my date...
to my little sister's[br]birthday party ?
- If it's all right.[br]- Well, yeah, l'm sure it's allright.
My friend Max is cooking,
and he is generally acknowledged[br]to be the worst cook in the world.
But, um, you know, you could hide[br]the food in your handbag or something.
- Okay.[br]- Okay.
- He's bringing a girl ?[br]- Miracles do happen.
- Does the girl have a name ?[br]- Don't know. Wouldn't say.
Oh, Christ ![br]What is going on in there ?
Oh, God !
Hi. Come on in.[br]Vague food crisis.
Hiya ! Sorry.
Theguinea fowlisproving[br]more complicatedthan expected.
- He's cooking guinea-fowl ?[br]- Don't even ask.
Good Lord,[br]you're the spitting image of--
Bella, this is Anna.
- Right.[br]- Okay, crisis over.
Max, this is Anna.
- Hi.[br]- Hello, Anna--
Scott.[br]Have some wine.
I'll get it.
Red or white ?
- Oh. Hey.[br]- Hi.
- Oh, yes, happy birthday.[br]- Thankyou.
Look, your brother's[br]brought this girl.
Oh, holy fuck !
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey.[br]She's my baby sister.
Oh, God. This is one[br]ofthose key moments in life...
when it's possible[br]you can be really genuinely cool...
and I-- I'm going to fail[br]just a hundred percent.
I-- I absolutely,[br]totally and utterly adore you.
And I just think... you are[br]the most beautiful woman in the world.
And, more importantly,[br]I genuinely believe,
and I've believed for some time now,[br]that we could be best friends.
So what do you think ?
Uh, lucky me.
Well, happy birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present.[br]We're best friends already then.
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy.[br]Then we can be sisters.
Well, I'll think about it.
That'll be Bernie.
- Hi.[br]- Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Bollocksed up at work again, I fear.
- Millions down the drain.[br]- Well done.
- Bernie, this is Anna.[br]- Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
-And you.[br]-Honey bunny, Happy birthday toyou
- Hi, Bella.[br]- Hi.
Um, it-- it-- it's a hat.[br]You don't have to wear it or anything.
- Hi, Will.[br]- Hi.
- Hi.[br]- What ?
- Wine, Bernie ?[br]- Mm.
You haven't slept with her, have you ?
That is a cheap question, and[br]the answer is, or course, no comment.
- No comment means "yes."[br]- No, it doesn't.
- Do you ever masturbate ?[br]- Defi nitely no comment.
- You see, it means "yes."[br]- Oh, my God !
So, uh, tell me,[br]um, Anna, what do you do ?
- I'm an actress.[br]- Oh, splendid.
What do you do ?
I'm actually in the stock market myself,[br]so, uh, not really similar fields.
Though, um-- um, I have done[br]the odd bit ofamateur stuff.
Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse.[br]Farce, all that, you know.
"Careful there, Vicar."
Always imagined it's a pretty tough job,[br]though, acting.
- The wages are a scandal, aren't they ?[br]- They can be.
I see friends from university--[br]clever chaps.
Been in the business longer than you.
They're scraping by on seven,[br]eight thousand a year.
You know, it's no life.
- What sort ofacting do you do ?[br]- Films, mainly.
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done.[br]How's the pay in movies ?
I mean, last fi lm you did,[br]what did you get paid ?
Fifteen million dollars.
So that's, well, fairly good.
Right, lthink we're ready.
Bella, can you tell me[br]where I can fi nd--
Oh, sorry.[br]It's down the corridor on the right.
I'll show you.
Quickly, quickly.[br]Talk very, very quickly.
What are you doing here[br]with Anna Scott ?
- Anna Scott ?[br]- Yes. Shut up !
- What, the fi lm star ?[br]- Shh !
- Oh, God ![br]- What ?
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God.[br]- What did you say to her ?
I don't believe it.[br]I actually walked into the loo with her.
I was still chatting[br]when she started unbuttoning herjeans.
- She had to ask me to leave.[br]- Oh, God.
So you knew who she was ?
Ofcourse I did, but he didn't.
Well, not instantly, but I-- I--[br]I got away with it.
- What do you think ofthe guinea-fowl ?[br]- I'm a vegetarian.
So, how's the guinea-fowl ?
Best guinea-fowl[br]I've ever tasted.
Havingyou here, Anna, firmly[br]establishes what l've long suspected--
that we really are the most[br]desperate lot of underachievers.
- Shame.[br]- I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
ln fact, lthinkit's something[br]we should takepride in.
I'm gonna give the last brownie[br]as a prize...
to the saddest act here.
- Uh-oh.[br]- Bern.
Yeah, allright.[br]Well, obviously, it's me, isn 't it ?
I mean, I work in the city in a job[br]I don't understand,
and everyone keeps[br]getting promoted above me.
I haven't had a girlfriend since--[br]well, since puberty.
And... nobody fancies me.
And ifthese cheeks get any chubbier,[br]they never will.
- Nonsense. I fancy you.[br]- Really ?
Yeah. Orldid[br]beforeyougotso fat.
Yousee.[br]Andunless l'm much mistaken,
yourjob still pays you[br]rather a lot of money...
whilst Honey here[br]earns 20 pence a week...
flogging her guts out[br]in London's worst record store.
Yes ! And I haven't got hair.[br]I've got feathers.
And I've got funny goggly eyes.[br]And I'm attracted to cruel men.
And, actually,[br]no one willmarry me...
because, um, my boosies[br]have actually started shrinking.
- Yousee, it's incrediblysad.[br]- But on the otherhand,
her best friend is Anna Scott.
That's true. I can't deny it.[br]She needs me. What can I say ?
And most of her limbs work, whereas[br]I'm stuck in this thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult[br]to serious injury,
I've totally given up smoking,[br]my favorite thing.
And, um, well, the truth is,
we can't have a baby.
C'est la vie.
Still, um, we're lucky in lots ofways.
But surely that's worth a brownie.
Well, I don't know.[br]Look at William.
- Veryunsuccessfulprofessionally.[br]- That's true.
Divorced. Used to be handsome,[br]now kind ofsquidgy round the edges.
Andabsolutely certain never[br]to hearfromAnna again...
- onceshe's heard that his[br]nickname atschool was--[br]- Floppy.
You did.[br]I can't believe it, you did.
Thanks very much. Thankyou.[br]Well, at least I get the last brownie.
Well, wait.[br]What about me ?
I'm sorry ?[br]You thinkyou deserve the brownie ?
Well, a shot at it at least, huh ?
You'll have to prove it.[br]This is a very, very good brownie.
I'm gonna fi ght for it.
I've been on a diet[br]every day since I was 1 9,
which basically means[br]I've been hungry for a decade.
I've had a series of not-nice[br]boyfriends, one ofwhom hit me.
Uh, andeverytime[br]lget my heart broken,
the newspapers splash it about[br]as though it's entertainment.
And... it's taken two rather painful,[br]um, operations...
to get me looking like this.
- Really ?[br]- Really.
Andone day not long from now,[br]my looks willgo,
they will discover I can't act,
and I will become[br]some sad, middle-aged woman...
who... looks a bit like someone[br]who was famous for a while.
No, nice try, gorgeous,[br]but you don't fool anyone.
Pathetic effort[br]to hog the brownie.
- Thankyou for such a terrific time.[br]- I'm delighted.
- That's a great tie.[br]- Now you're lying.
Okay, it's true.[br]I told you I was bad at acting.
- It was lovely to meet you.[br]- Yeah, and you. And you.
I'll wait until you've gone[br]before I tell him you're a vegetarian.
- Good night.[br]- I'm so sorry about the loo thing.
I meant to leave.[br]I just--
Ring me ifyou want someone[br]to go shopping with.
I know lots of nice, cheap places,[br]not that money is necessarily--
It wasjust so nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday. You're my style guru.[br]- Thankyou.
- Sorry. Can I just--[br]- Oh.
- Thanks.[br]- Leave her.
- Good night, everyone.[br]- Bye.
Max, Belle,[br]we'll see you in a couple ofdays.
- Thankyou, everybody. Call us.[br]- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Anna.[br]- Love your work.
Sorry. They always do that[br]when I leave the house.
It's a stupid thing.[br]I hate it.
- "Floppy," huh ?[br]- It's the hair.
- Mm-hmm.[br]- It's to do with the hair.
Why is she in a wheelchair ?
Uh, because she had an accident[br]about 1 8 months ago.
And the pregnancy thing,[br]is that to do with the accident ?
You know, I'm not sure.
I don't think they tried for kids[br]before, as fate would have it.
Do you want to, um--
My place isjust, um--
That's fi ne.
Busy tomorrow ?
- I thought you were leaving tomorrow.[br]- I was.
All these streets round here have...
these mysterious communal gardens[br]in the middle ofthem.
- They're like little villages.[br]- Let's go in.
Ah, no, that's the point.[br]They're private villages.
Only the people who live round the edges[br]are allowed in.
Oh. You abide by rules like that ?
I don't. No, no.[br]But others do.
I just do what I want.
What did you say ?
- Nothing.[br]- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.[br]- You said, "Whoopsidaisies."
No one says, "Whoopsidaisies," do they ?[br]I mean, unless they're--
There is no "unless." Because no one[br]has said "Whoopsidaisies" for 50 years.
And even then it was-- it wasjust[br]little girls with blonde ringlets.
Exactly. Right.[br]So here we go again.
Oh ! Oh ! Whoopsidaisies.
Yeah, well, it's a disease.[br]It's a clinical thing.
I'm taking pills and having injections.[br]And I'm told it won't last long.
- Okay, stand aside.[br]- I don't think that's a good idea.
Really, it's quite, um, tricky.[br]Anna.
Anna, don't. It's harder than it--[br]No, it's not. It's easy.
Come on, Flopsy.
Oh, God,[br]this could be very unpleasant.
Ay ![br]Bugger, bugger.
Now what in the world in this garden[br]could make that ordeal worthwhile ?
"ForJune who loved this garden.
FromJoseph who always sat beside her."
Some people do spend[br]their whole lives together.
Come and sit with me.
Bollocks ! Bollocks !
- Have you seen my glasses ?[br]- No, afraid not.
Big, big bollocks ![br]Average day, my glasses are everywhere.
Everywhere I look[br]there's a pair of glasses.
But when I want to go to the cinema,[br]they've vanished.
It's one of life's real cruelties.
That's compared to, like,[br]earthquakes in the Far East[br]or testicular cancer, is it ?
Oh, shit.[br]Is that the time ?
Thanks for all your help[br]on the glasses thing.
Oh, you're welcome.[br]Did you fi nd them ?
- Sort of.[br]- Great.
So who left who ?
- Uh, she left me.[br]- Why ?
- She saw through me.[br]- Uh-oh.
That's not good.
That's not good.
You can give me[br]Anna Scott any day.
I didn't like her last fi lm. Fell asleep[br]as soon as the lights went down.
I don't really care[br]what the fi lm's like.
Any fi lm with her in,[br]it's fi ne by me.
She's not my type at all.[br]lpreferthe otherone.
You know, blonde, sweet-looking.
You know, what's-her-name.
Has an orgasm every time[br]you take her out for a cup ofcoffee.
No, she's too wholesome.[br]Thepoint about Miss Scott is...
she's got that twinkle in her eyes.
Probably drug-induced.[br]Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Well, whatever.[br]She's so clearly up forit.
Yousee, mostgirls, they're alllike,[br]"Stay away, chum. "
ButAnna,[br]she is absolutelygagging forit.
Doyou knowthat in over50.%[br]ofthe languages,
the wordfor "actress"is[br]thesame as the wordfor "prostitute" ?
Where didyouget that from ?
AndAnna isyourdefinitive actress,
someone really filthy[br]you canjust flip overandstart again.
- Right, that's it. Sorry.[br]- No, no. There's really no point.
Um, sorry--[br]sorry to disturb you guys.
- But, um--[br]- Can I help ?
Well, yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard[br]your conversation, but I did.
And, um, I just think, you know,
thepersonyou're talking about[br]is a realperson.
And I think she probably deserves[br]a little bit more consideration...
rather than havingjerks like you[br]drooling over her.
Oh, sod off, mate.[br]What are you, her dad ?
- I'm sorry.[br]- No, I love that you tried.
Time was I'd have done the same thing.[br]In fact--
Oh, my God.
I just wanted to apologize for[br]my friend. He's very sensitive.
Uh, look, I'm sorr--
No, no, leave it. It's, you know--[br]I'm sure you didn't mean any harm.
I'm sure it wasjust friendly banter.
I'm sure you guys have dicks[br]the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.
The tuna's really good.
I shouldn't have done that.[br]I shouldn't have done that.
- No, you were brilliant.[br]- I'm rash and I'm stupid.
What am I doing with you ?
Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid.
I don't either.
Here we are.
- Well, look--[br]- Do you wanna come up ?
Well, there seems to be...[br]lots of reasons why I shouldn't, so--
There are lots of reasons.
Do you wanna come up ?
Give me five minutes ?
To be able to do that[br]is such a wonderful thing.
- You've got to go.[br]- Why ?
Because my boyfriend who was in America[br]is, in fact, now in the next room.
- Boyfriend ?[br]- Yes.
- Baby, who is it ?[br]- Uh, it's, uh--
- Uh--[br]- Uh, room service.
Oh. How you doing ? I thought you guys[br]always wore those, uh, penguin coats.
Usually we do.
But I wasjust, uh--[br]just changed to go home.
And, um, then I thought[br]I'd take this fi nal call.
Oh, great. Ifyou don't mind,[br]I would like something too.
Could you bring me up some[br]really, really cold water ?
I'll see what I can do.
- Still, not sparkling.[br]- Absolutely. Ice-cold still water.
Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve[br]beverages below room temperature.
I wouldn't want you going tojail[br]just to satisfy my whim, now.
- No, I'm sure it's fi ne.[br]- Thankyou.
Hey, one more thing.
Could you adios these dirty dishes[br]and take out that trash too ?
- Uh--[br]- Right.
No. No. Um, don't-- don't--[br]don't do that.
I don't think[br]it's hisjob to clear.
Oh, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.[br]What'syourname, man ?
Oh, listen, Bernie.
Thankyou.[br]I really appreciate it.
So, tell me. Tell me, tell me.[br]Good surprise or nasty surprise ?
- Good surprise.[br]- Oh, you're such a liar.
She hates surprises.[br]Hey, what areyougonna order?
- Huh ?[br]- From him. What are you gonna order ?
Um, I haven't decided yet.
Oh, well, don't overdo it.
I don't want people saying,[br]"There goes that famous actor[br]with the big, fat girlfriend."
I should leave.
This is a fairly strange reality[br]to be faced with.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know...
what to say.
I think, um,
"good-bye" is traditional.
This is me.[br]Spikey.
This is me.[br]Spikey.
I'm in contact with some quite[br]important spiritual vibrations.
Come on.[br]Hit me with it.
- There's this girl--[br]- Aha.
See, I been gettin' a female vibe.[br]Good.
Speak on, dear friend.
She's someone who...
can't be mine, and, uh,
it's as if I've taken love heroin,[br]and now I can't ever have it again.
I've opened Pandora's box[br]and there's trouble inside.
I knew a girl at school[br]called Pandora.
Never got to see her box or--
Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.
You didn't know[br]she had a boyfriend ?
Why ? Did you ?
Oh, bloody hell.[br]ldon't believe it.
My whole life ruinedbecause[br]ldon't read Hello magazine.
Let's face facts.[br]This was always a no-win situation.
Anna's... a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals[br]who get involved with the gods.
- Buggered, is it ?[br]- Every time.
But don't despair. lthinklhave[br]thesolution toyourproblems.
- Really ?[br]- Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa.
She works in the Contracts Department.
The hair, I admit,[br]is unfashionably frizzy,
but she's bright as a button and kisses[br]like a nymphomaniac on death row.
lgot completely lost.
lt's verydifficult, isn 't it ?[br]Everything'sgot the word[br]"Kensington"in it.
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden.[br]Kensington bloody Park Garden.
- Tessa, this is Bella, my wife.[br]- Hello.
- You're in a wheelchair.[br]- That's right.
And this is William.
- Hello, William.[br]- Hi.
- Max has told me everything about you.[br]- Has he ?
Oh, yes.[br]You are a naughty boy.
- Wine ?[br]- Oh, yes, please.
Come on, Willie.[br]Let's get sloshed.
- Red or white ?[br]- Red.
- Some woodcock ?[br]- No, thankyou. I'm a fruitarian.
What is a fruitarian, exactly ?
We believe that[br]fruits and vegetables have feelings,
so we think cooking is cruel.
We only eat things that have actually[br]fallen from the tree or bush,
that are, in fact, dead already.
Ah. Oh, right.
So, um, these carrots ?
- Have been murdered, yes.[br]- Murdered.
Poor old carrots.[br]That's--
I'm sorry about the lamb.
No. I thought it was...[br]really, you know, interesting.
Interesting means inedible.
Really inedible. Yes, you're right.
Well, maybe we'll meet again.
Yeah, yeah.[br]That would be, uh--
I thinkyou've forgotten[br]what an unusual situation you two have.
To fi nd someone you actually... love,[br]who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule.
Look at me.
Apart from the American, I've only[br]loved two girls, both total disasters.
- That's not fair.[br]- One ofthem marries me,[br]then leaves me...
fasterthanyou can say[br]"lndianaJones. "
And the other-- who seriously[br]ought to have known better--
casually marries my best friend.
- She still loves you, though.[br]- In a depressingly asexual way.
I never fancied you much, actually.
I loved you.[br]You were terribly funny, but...
all that kissing my ears.
ldon't believe it.[br]This isjustgetting worse.
I shall fi nd myself 30 years from now[br]still sitting on this sofa.
- Do you wanna stay ?[br]- Yeah. Why not ?
All that awaits me at home[br]is a masturbating Welshman.
Here we go.
- Good night.[br]- Night.
- See you.[br]- Right.
Guilty.[br]Very, very guilty.
So it seems.
Can I come in ?
They were taken years ago.
I know it was--
But I was poor and--[br]It happens a lot.
That's not an excuse.[br]I just--
But to make matters worse,
it now appears as though...
someone was fi lming me as well.
So what was a stupid[br]photo shoot...
now looks like a porn fi lm.
The pictures have been sold[br]and they'rejust...
I didn't know where to go.
The hotel's surrounded.
I know it's been months, but--
This is the place.
I'm just in London...
for two days,[br]but what with your papers,
it's the worst place to be.
These pictures arejust so horrible,[br]and they're so grainy.
It makes me look like--
Don't think about it.
We'll sort it out.
What would you like ?[br]Tea ?
A bath would be great.
Oh, Christ alive !
You must be Spike.
I'm really sorry about last time.
- Oh--[br]- Hejust flew in.
- I had no idea.[br]- All right.
In fact, I had no idea[br]if he was ever gonna fly in again.
It's not often one[br]has the opportunity to adios...
the plates of[br]a major Hollywood fi lm star.
It was, um--[br]It was thrilling for me.
So how is he ?
I don't know.
Itjust got to the point...
where I couldn't remember[br]any ofthe reasons why we were together.
And you and love ?
Oh, well, there's a question, um,
without an interesting answer.
I have thought about you.
- Oh.[br]- lt'sjust that...
any time I've tried to keep...
anything normal[br]with a person that was...
normal,[br]it'sjust been a disaster.
Listen, I appreciate that.[br]Absolutely.
So what is that,[br]a filmyou're doing ?
Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday.
Would you like me to[br]take you through your lines ?
Would you ?[br]'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk.
Hand it over.
Right.[br]Um, basic plot ?
I'm a difficult but brilliant[br]junior officer...
who in about 20 minutes is gonna[br]save the world from nuclear disaster.
Mm-hmm. Okay.[br]Well done, you.
"Message from Command. Would you[br]like them to send in the H.K.'s ?"
No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s[br]and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.'s return at 1 900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need[br]Black Star cover from 1 000 through 1 2 1 5.
Andifyousay one wordabout howmany[br]mistakes lmade in thatspeech,[br]l'llpeltyou with olives.
- Very well, Captain.[br]I'll pass that on straightaway.[br]- Thankyou.
- How many mistakes did I make ?[br]- Eleven.
- Damn it. And Wainwright--[br]- Cartwright.
Cartwright, Wainwright,[br]whateveryour name is,
I promised littleJimmy[br]I'd be home for his birthday,
so could you get a message to him[br]that I may be late.
Certainly.[br]And, uh, littleJohnny ?
- My son's name isJohnny ?[br]- Yep.
- Then get a message to him too.[br]- l'lldo what lcan, Captain,
but lcan'tpromise anything.
And Cartwright goes.
- What do you think ?[br]- Gripping. lt's notJaneAusten.
It's not HenryJames,[br]but it's... gripping.
- Think I should do HenryJames instead?[br]- You would be brilliant.
But this writer-- writers--[br]they'repretty damngoodtoo.
You never get anyone[br]on Wings ofthe Dove saying,
"Inform the Pentagon[br]we need Black Star cover."
For me the book is the poorer for it.
I can't believe you have that picture.
You like Chagall ?
I do. It feels like[br]how love should be--
floating through a dark blue sky.
With agoat, playing a violin.
Happiness isn't happiness[br]without a violin-playing goat.
You have big feet.
Yes.[br]Yes, always have had.
You know what they say[br]about men with big feet.
No.[br]What's that ?
Uh, big feet,
The thing that is so irritating...
is that now I'm so fierce[br]when it comes to nudity clauses.
You actually have... clauses[br]in your contract about nudity ?
"You may show the dent ofthe top ofthe[br]artist's buttocks, but neither cheek."
Orifthere's[br]a stunt bottom being used...
"artist must have full consultation."
- You have a stunt bottom ?[br]- I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
Are people tempted to go[br]for better bottoms than their own?
Yeah. I would.[br]This is important stuff.
It's one hell ofa job, isn't it ?[br]What do you put on your passport ?
"Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom."
Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
- Right.[br]- Why wouldn't he ?
- Absolutely.[br]- It's delicious.
What, the ice cream[br]or Mel Gibson's bottom ?
But you wouldn't necessarily lick both ?
Well, this is tart.
Bedroom.[br]There's clean sheets.
Today's been a good day,
which in the circumstances is...
time for bed.
Or sofa bed.
Oh, my God.
-Spike.[br]-I wonder if I could have a little word.
- Right.[br]- I don't want to interfere or anything,
but she'sjust split up[br]from her boyfriend, right ?
- Maybe.[br]- And she's in your house.
- Yes.[br]- And you get on very well.
- Yes.[br]- Well, isn't this, perhaps,
a nice opportunity to...
slip her one.
Spike, for God's sakes.[br]She's in trouble. Get a grip.
You think it's the wrong moment.[br]Fair enough.
- Do you mind if I have a go ?[br]- Spike !
- Okay.[br]- I'll talk to you in the morning.
Okay.[br]Might be too late, but okay.
Please, sod off.
- Okay. All right.[br]- No. No, no !
Wait ! I thought you were,[br]um, someone else.
I thought you were Spike.[br]I'm thrilled that you're not.
lt does strike me as,
well, surreal that I'm allowed[br]to see you naked.
- You and every person in this country.[br]- I'm sorry.
What is it about men and nudity, huh ?
- Howcanyou beso interestedin them ?[br]- Well--
But, seriously,[br]they'rejust breasts.
Every second person[br]in the world has them.
More than that, when you think about it.[br]Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
But they're odd-looking.
They're for milk.[br]Your mother has them.
You've seen a thousand ofthem.[br]What's all the fuss about ?
Actually, I can't think[br]what it is, really.
Let mejust have a quick look.
Nope, nope. Beats me.
Rita Hayworth used to say,
"They go to bed with Gilda,[br]they wake up with me."
- Who was Gilda ?[br]- Her most famous part.
Men went to bed with the dream,
and they didn't like it[br]when they woke up with the reality.
Do you feel that way ?
You are lovelier this morning[br]than you have ever been.
I'll be right back.
Breakfast in bed.
- Oh.[br]- Or it's brunch or lunch or something.
Can I stay a bit longer ?
Okay.[br]Oh. Forgot thejam.
I'll get thejam,[br]you get the door.
What is it ?
- Nothing, really.[br]- You're up to something.
Anna, no, please!
My God. And they got a picture ofyou[br]dressed like that.
Undressed like this, yeah.
- Morning, darling ones.[br]- It's me. The press are here.
No, there are hundreds ofthem.
My brilliant plan[br]was not so brilliant. I know.
I know. I know.[br]Just get over here.
- Um, I wouldn't go outside.[br]- Why not ?
-Just take my word for it.[br]- Oh.
How did I look ?[br]Not bad.
Not at all bad.[br]Well-chosen briefs, I'd say.
Chicks love grey.
Nice fi rm buttocks.
How are you doing ?
How do you think I'm doing ?
- I don't know what happened.[br]- I do.
Your furry friend thought he'd make[br]a buck telling the papers where I was.
- That's not true.[br]- Really ?
The entire British press[br]got up this morning and thought,[br]"I know where Anna Scott is.
She's in that house with the blue door[br]in Notting Hill."
Then you go out[br]in your goddamn underwear !
-I went out in my goddamn underwear too.[br]-Get out !
- I'm so sorry.[br]- This is such an unbelievable mess.
I come to you to protect myself[br]against more crappy gossip,
and now I've landed in it[br]all over again.
For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend !
- You have ?[br]- As far as they're concerned I do.
And now, tomorrow there'll be[br]pictures ofyou in every newspaper[br]from here to Timbuktu !
I know that, but...[br]just let's stay calm.
You stay calm ! This is a perfect[br]situation foryou, isn't it?
Minimum input, maximum publicity.
Everywhere you go, people will say,[br]"Well done, you.
You slept with that actress.[br]We saw the pictures."
- That is spectacularly unfair.[br]- That's yours.
Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt[br]from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
Stop ! Stop ! I beg you !
Calm down.[br]How about a cup oftea ?
I don't want[br]a goddamn cup oftea.
I just wanna go home.
Spike, see who that is,[br]andputsome clothes on, forGod's sake.
Looks like a chauffeur to me.
Spike owes you[br]an expensive dinner or holiday,
depending who's got the brains[br]to get the going rate on betrayal.
That is not true.[br]Wait a minute.
This is crazy behaviour.
Can't wejust[br]laugh about all this ?
Seriously. In the huge sweep ofthings,[br]this stuff doesn't matter.
What he's gonna say next is[br]there's people starving in the Sudan.
Well, there are, and we don't[br]have to go anywhere near that far.
My best friend slipped down stairs,[br]cracked her back...
and she's in a wheelchair[br]for the rest of her life.
All I'm asking for is[br]a normal amount of perspective.
You're right.[br]Ofcourse, you're right.
It'sjust that I've dealt[br]with this garbage for ten years.
You've had it for ten minutes.
Our perspectives are very different.
Today's newspapers will be lining[br]tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
- Excuse me ?[br]- You know.
It'sjust one day.
Tomorrow, today's papers[br]will all have been thrown out.
You really don't get it.
This story will be fi led.
Every time anyone writes anything[br]about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever.
I'll regret this forever.
I will feel the opposite,
ifthat's okay by you, and, uh,
always be glad that you...[br]came to stay.
But, um, you're probably right.
You better go.
Was it you ?
I may have told a few people[br]down at the pub.
Have I got something foryou. Something[br]which will make you love me so much,
Have I got something foryou. Something[br]which will make you love me so much,
you will want to hug me every day[br]for the rest of my life.
Blimey. What is it ?
Phone number ofAnna Scott's agent[br]in London...
and her agent in New York.
Listen, you think about her all[br]the time. Now you can ring her.
Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.
I'll see you tonight.[br]Hey, Marty. Ooh ! Sexy cardi.
Shh ! Hello ![br]I have a little speech to make.
I won't stand up because[br]I can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here[br]started the fi nest restaurant in London.
- Hear, hear.[br]- Thankyou very much.
Unfortunately,[br]no one ever came to eat here.
It's a tiny hiccup.
And so we have to face the fact[br]that from next week,
we must fi nd somewhere new to eat.
I just want to say to Tony...[br]don't take it personally.
The more I think about things, the more[br]I see no rhyme or reason in life.
No one knows why some things work out[br]and some things don't.
Whysome ofusget lucky...
- andsome ofus--[br]- Get fi red.
- What ?[br]- No !
Yeah, well, it seems[br]they're shifting the whole outfit...
much more towards[br]the emerging markets.
And, ofcourse, well,[br]l was totalcrap, so--
A toast to Bernie-- the worst[br]stockbroker in the whole world.
I thankyou.[br]And Tony, the worst restaurateur.
- Tony and Bernie. Both crap...[br]- The terrible two.
in their own special ways.
Since it's an evening[br]ofannouncements,
uh, I've also got one.
Um, I've decided to get engaged.
l've foundmyselfa nice,[br]slightly odd-looking bloke...
who I know is gonna make me happy[br]for the rest of my life.
Wait a sec. I mean, I--
I'm your brother. I don't know[br]anything about this. Is he--
Is he fi nancially viable ?
He's an artist...[br]with brilliant prospects.
This is a secret[br]you've been keeping from me.
By the way, it's you.
- Me ?[br]- What do you think ?
Excuse me.[br]Are there any more announcements ?
Well, actually, yes.
lfeellshould[br]apologize to everyone...
for my behaviour[br]over the last six months.
I have, as you know,[br]been somewhat down in the mouth.
There's an understatement.[br]There are dead people on better form.
But I just wish to make it clear[br]that I've turned a corner,
and, um, henceforward intend[br]to be impressively happy.
Without a love ofmy own
-Blue moon[br]-Ba-boom, ba-boom
You knewjust what l was there for
Oh, God. I'm horribly drunk.
You heardmesaying aprayerfor
- Come here.[br]-Ba-boom, ba-boom
Someone lreally could care for
So you've laid the ghost ?
I believe I have.
Don't give a damn[br]about the famous girl?
No, I don't think I do.
Which means you won't be distracted[br]by the fact that she's back in London...
grasping her Oscar...
and currently to be found fi lming,[br]most days, on Hampstead Heath.
Oh, God, no.
So not overher, in fact.
- Can I help you ?[br]- Yeah, I'm, um--
- I'm looking for Anna Scott.[br]- Does she know you're coming ?
No. No, uh, she doesn't.
- I'm afraid I can't let you through.[br]- Right.
I mean, I am actually a friend.[br]I'm not a lunatic, but--
- No, you basically, er--[br]- Can't let you through, sir.
Well, this is, uh--
I only found out[br]you were here yesterday.
- I was going to call, but I--[br]- Uh, Anna.
Things aren't going very well,[br]and it's our last day.
Absolutely, yeah.[br]You're clearly very busy.
But if-- ifyou could wait,
there are... things to say.
Drink tea.[br]There's lots oftea.
Come and have a look.
Are you a fan of HenryJames ?
- This is a HenryJames fi lm ?[br]- Yeah.
This is, uh, Harry.
He'll give you a pair of headphones[br]so you can hear the dialogue.
- Thankyou very much.[br]- Noproblem.
- Hi.[br]- Hi. Here we go.
- Volume's on the side. Have a seat.[br]- Thankyou.
We are living in cloud cuckoo land.[br]We'll never get this done today.
We've got to.[br]I have to be in New York on Thursday.
Oh, stop showing off.[br]God, that's an enormous ass.
- I'm not listening.[br]- But seriously, it's not fair.
So many tragic young teenagers[br]with anorexia...
and that girl has an ass[br]she could perfectly well share around...
with at least ten other women[br]and still be big-bottomed.
I would think, looking at[br]something nice like that,
you andyour...[br]bony little excuse foran arse...
would be well advised to keep quiet.
Nowdown to business.[br]The endofthescene.
Um, I askyou when you're[br]telling everyone, and you say--
Um, tomorrow will be soon enough.
And then I-- Right. Okay.
Say, who was that rather diffident chap[br]I saw you talking to round the back ?
Just some guy from the past. I--
It's a bit ofan awkward situation.[br]I don't know what he's doing here.
Thanks. I've got to, um--
Ladies andgentlemen,[br]can we haveyou onyourfirst marks ?
Onyourfirst marks !
Uh, I-I do hate to disturb you[br]whilst you're cooking the books,
but, uh, there's a delivery foryou.
Martin, really.[br]Can't you just do it yourself?
But you see, this is not for the shop.[br]This is foryou.
Tell me, if I employ a wet rag, would I[br]have to pay it as much as I pay you ?
Yeah. Yeah. Um--
I had to leave.[br]I didn't want to disturb.
- How have you been ?[br]- Fine, fi ne. Everything much the same.
When they change the law,[br]Spike and I will marry immediately.
Whereas you, I've watched in wonder.
- Awards, glory.[br]- Oh, no.
It's-- It's all nonsense, believe me.
I'd no idea how much nonsense[br]it was, but...
nonsense it all is.
Yesterday was our last day offi lming,[br]so... I'm leaving.
I brought this foryou from home,
so I thought I'd give it to you.
Oh, no, don't open it now.[br]I'll be embarrassed.
Well, thankyou. I don't know[br]what it's for, but thanks anyway.
Actually, I had it in my apartment,[br]and I thought you'd--
But when it came to it,[br]I didn't know how to call,
having behaved so badly.
So it'sjust been[br]sitting in the hotel.
Then you came and... I fi gured--
The thing is--
The thing is--
What ? What is the thing ?
Don't even think about it.[br]Go away immediately.
- Go away.[br]- Right.
You were saying ?
I have to go away today, but I...
wondered if I didn't...
whetheryou might[br]let me see you a little,
or... a lot, maybe.
See ifyou could like me again.
But yesterday[br]that actor asked you who I was,
and you just[br]dismissed me out of hand.
You hada microphone.[br]lhadheadphones.
You expect me[br]to tell the truth about my life...
to the most indiscreet man[br]in England ?
Uh, excuse me.
It's your mother on the phone.
Will you tell her[br]I'll ring her back ?
I've actually tried that tack, but[br]she said you've said that once before,
and it's now been about 24 hours...
and the foot that was purple[br]is now sort of blackish in colour and--
Right, right. Yeah.[br]Perfect timing, as ever.
Martin, hold the fort a second.
Uh, yes. Allright.
I thought Ghost[br]was the most wonderful fi lm.
- Is that right ?[br]- Oh, yes.
Um, I've always wondered...
what Patrick Swayze's like[br]in-- in-- in real life.
I can't say that I know Patrick[br]all that well.
He wasn't that friendly during fi lming ?
Well, l'm sure he wasfriendly to[br]DemiMoore who acted with him in Ghost.
Oh. Oh, right.
Always been a bit ofan ass.
Um, anyway-- Um--
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
I'm a huge, huge fan ofyours.
That's fi ne.
There's always a pause when thejury[br]goes out to consider their verdict.
Anna, look, um--
I'm a fairly levelheaded bloke,
not often in and out of love.
Can I just say no to your...
kind request and, uh, leave it at that ?
Fine. Ofcourse. I--
I'll just be going, then.[br]It was nice to see you.
The thing is,
with you I'm in real... danger.
It seems like a... perfect situation,
apart from that[br]foul temper ofyours, but...
my relatively inexperienced heart[br]would, I fear, not...
recover, uh, if I was...
once again cast aside,[br]as I would absolutely expect to be.
There arejust too many pictures ofyou,[br]too many fi lms.
You'd go and I'd be, uh,
well, buggered, basically.
That really is a real no, isn't it ?
I live in Notting Hill.[br]You live in... Beverly Hills.
Everyone in the world[br]knows who you are.
My mother has trouble[br]remembering my name.
Fine. Good decision.[br]Good decision.
The fame thing isn't really real,[br]you know ?
And don't forget I'm--
I'm alsojust a girl...
standing in front ofa boy...
asking him to love her.
So what do you think ?[br]Good move ?
Yeah, good move.
I mean, when all's said and done,[br]she's nothing special.
I saw her taking her trousers down,
and I defi nitely glimpsed[br]some cellulite down there.
Good decision, yeah.
All actresses are as mad as snakes.
- Tones, what do you reckon ?[br]- Never met her, never want to.
- Brilliant. Max ?[br]- Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
I was called and I came. What's up ?
William'sjust turned down Anna Scott.
You daft prick.
No, no.[br]No, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Thatpainting[br]isn 't the original, is it ?
Um, you know,[br]lthinkit might be, yeah.
But she said[br]she wanted to go out with you.
- Yeah.[br]- Well, that's nice.
Well, you know,
anyone saying they wanna go out with you[br]is pretty great, isn't it ?
sort of... sweet, actually.
Um, I mean,[br]I know she's an actress and all that...
so she can... deliver a line, but, um,
she said she might be[br]as famous as she can be,
but also that she was...
just a girl...
standing in front ofa boy...
asking him... to love her.
Oh, sod a dog. I've made[br]the wrong decision, haven't I ?
Max, how fast is your car ?
Max, how fast is your car ?
- Good luck ![br]- Ifanyone gets in our way,[br]we have small nuclear devices.
- Where to ?[br]- All I can think is The Ritz.
- Where's Bella ?[br]- She's not coming.
- Oh, sod that. Bernie, in the back.[br]- What ?
Max, I'm okay.
Come on, babe.
Which way are you going ?
Down Kensington Church Street, then[br]Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
- No, crazy. Go along Bayswater.[br]- That's right. Then Park Lane.
No, straight down to the Cromwell Road,[br]then left.
Stop right there ![br]I will decide the route. All right ?
James Bond never has to put up[br]with this sort ofshit.
Turn right !
- I can't. It's one way.[br]- Do a U-turn.
Oh, sod it. Hold on.
Bloody hell, this is fun !
Hi.[br]Is Miss Scott staying here ?
- No, sir.[br]- How 'bout Miss Flintstone ?
- No, sir.[br]- Uh, Bambi ?
- No, sir.[br]- Or, um--
I don't know.[br]Beavis or Butthead ?
There was a Miss Pocahontas,
but she checked out[br]about an hour ago.
I believe she's holding[br]a press conference at the Savoy...
before flying to America.
We have liftoff.
You have message for Takiama ?
I'll just check, sir.
Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
Stop ! Stop ! Stop ![br]Stay there ! Go ! Go !
Whoa, whoa, whoa !Hang on !
Come on ! No ! Wait ! Wait there !
Come on ! Come on ! Wait !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Go on ![br]Through, through !
You're my hero !
Whoa ! Down, boy.
- Yes ?[br]- Where's the press conference, please ?
- Yes ?[br]- Where's the press conference, please ?
- Are you an accredited[br]member ofthe press ?[br]- Yep.
- There you go.[br]- That's a Blockbuster Video[br]membership card, sir.
That's right.[br]I work for their in-house magazine.
- MoviesAre OurBusiness.[br]- I'm sorry, sir.
- He's with me.[br]- And you are ?
Writing an article on how London hotels[br]treat people in wheelchairs.
Yes, ofcourse, madam.[br]It's in the Lancaster Room.
Though I'm afraid you're rather late.
Does this mean that Miss Scott[br]willnot bepublicizing hernext film ?
No, it absolutely[br]does not mean that.
She'llbe abiding by[br]allherpresent commitments.
Shejust won't be making[br]any more forthe nextyear.
When will the film be released?
At the moment,[br]theplan is to release in America...
towards the endofthe autumn,
and over here around Christmas[br]or early in the new year.
and over here around Christmas[br]or early in the new year.
Anna, how much longer are you[br]staying in the U.K., then ?
No time at all.[br]I leave tonight.
Which is why we have to roundthings[br]up now, so finalquestions, please.
Yes. Lady there.
lsyourdecision to take[br]ayearoffanything to do...
with the rumors aboutJeff[br]and his present leading lady ?
- Absolutely not.[br]- Do you believe the rumors ?
Well, it's really[br]not my business anymore.
Though l willsay, from my experience,[br]rumors aboutJeffdo tendto be true.
Yeah. The last time you were here, there[br]were some fairly graphic photographs...
taken ofyou[br]with a young English guy.
So, uh, what happenedthere ?
He wasjust a friend.[br]We're still friends, I think.
Yes. Gentleman in the pink shirt.
Yes. Miss Scott,
are there any circumstances in which...
the two ofyou...
might be more than just good friends ?
I hoped there would be, but no,[br]I'm... assured there aren't.
- But what would you say if--[br]- Sorry.Just the one question, please.
No, it's all right.[br]You were saying ?
I wasjust wondering if, uh,
it turnedout that thisperson, uh--
Thacker. His name was Thacker.
I just wondered whether if...
Mr. Thacker realized he'd been[br]a daft prick...
and got down on his knees and...[br]begged you to reconsider,
whetheryou would, in fact, then...
Yes, I believe I would.
That's very good news.[br]Um--
The readers of Horse & Hound[br]will be absolutely delighted.
Right. Uh, Dominic, ifyou'd[br]like to askyour question again ?
Yeah ? Anna, howlong areyou[br]intending to stay here in Britain ?
- What happened ?[br]- It was good.
Na Cha The Great
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